Oh, how vividly I remember the wars of 2075 - the Sandwich Wars, we called them in the years that followed, five tumultuous and horrid stretches of days that saw mother turned against husband, father against son, teacher against student. It was the ugliest of wars, made uglier still by the new tools we had invented, tools that allowed us to stay home and lob our weaponry at the other man without even showing up. All that remained, when the dust and our hearts settled, was one smoking ruin after another.

How much greater the tragedy that it was all waged over this very sandwich, one made with damned generic white bread no less!

This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right! Unfortunately, the yard was shortly thereafter overrun by screaming children, somewhere between 40 and 50 of them, all punching and kicking and flailing. The milkshake was spilled some time later.

Impossible to tell from this angle what kind of animal that is, but I’m guessing a bull. Like one of those Merrill Lynch bulls. You know, the one in the Bugs Bunny cartoon about the bull fighter, where he swallows the rifle and then can shoot bullets out his horn by swinging his tail? That one. That’s what I bet this animal looks like.

Also: A warm welcome to the latest batch of pervs arriving via Google!

Oh yes, now we’re getting somewhere. I know we just came through Valentine’s Day, and we’ve all eaten more of this stuff than we ever thought possible …

But COME ON. Look at this thing! Isn’t this the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? It’s like a giant teardrop, freshly fallen from the eyes of God, if God were made of chocolate.

And come to think of it, how do we know he isn’t? HMM? I challenge you to prove, scientifically, that God is not made of chocolate. You can’t prove it! Science wins again!

Mmmm … this one is romantic. We’ve all read our fair share of apocalyptic science fiction in which the aliens land for some far-from-benign purpose. Think about “V,” for instance, where the pretty leader Diana was actually a lizard who was here to harvest human beings for food.

But this giant lady … I don’t know! I don’t get that kind of vibe from here. She’s got such a sweet look about her, I’ve got to believe she’s just looking for some companionship. It can’t be easy being that much larger than your significant other, now can it? Maybe all she wants is a soft, tender kiss.

Or, contrariwise, perhaps she truly is about to bite this guy’s face off. Still unclear at this point.

Here, for instance, we have three perfectly lovely young ladies, enjoying life (as they should) in a chair of just plain stupid proportions. Chairs like this make no sense. Is our obesity problem really that bad, that we need triple-wide seating?

At any rate, no, we don’t, the chair is just plain silly. Even sillier is the fact that we don’t know where this picture was taken! Please, people, document your adventures with comically large things! Make a note of the city and state, or at the very least get a website of the business where you saw it!

Also: Helllloooo ladies! You already know!

Not that it isn’t already interesting! I mean, think about all of the people you get to meet. Plumbing problems know no race, gender or socioeconomic boundaries. Why, were I a plumber, I imagine I would get to meet all kinds of fascinating folks! People from all walks of life! Astronauts, chefs, masseuses, sommeliers, musicians, snack machine restocker guys, men who wear monocles, cat groomers, fire hydrant painters, carpet de-lousers, the list boggles the mind!

And such interesting tools. Did you know that plumbers use something called a reamer? I had no idea. Then, at other times, they need the servics of a deburrer. No idea what that does, either, but it sounds quite nice.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

Who’s a good boy? Who is? This giant bulldog is, that’s who! YES HE IS! YES HE IS! And look at the size of that hat!

Dogs love wearing hats. It’s probably their second-favorite thing in the world, second only to playing poker. Oh wait, they also love knitting. Well, scotties do, anyway. But this fella, he’s so big, and his paws are so huge, I doubt he could hold knitting needles. Or playing cards, for that matter. It ain’t easy being large.

Sing along with me now, the good ole’ Sunday morning spiritual: “Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / let it overflow with OH GOD IT’S OVERFLOWING WITH SOME BEARDED GUY WEARING A HAT.”

I have what some people might call an “office supply fetish.” I love pens, mechanical pencils, notebooks, blotters, paperweights. Oh crap, I left my new paper weight at home today! This awesome on I got for Christmas, totally left it on the stereo.

ANYWAY. Yeah, so I love pens. Fountain pens are awesome! Have you ever used a fountain pen? It makes you feel like you’re a Dickens character. Totally kicks arse. But this pen here, I don’t think I’d get so much enjoyment out of writing with it. I’d more likely get back ache, I think.