Coming2Terms

45 Years After Rossi, Mommies Propagate Prejudice

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-11-09T02:55:00Z

It's been a very long time since I sat in the Frieze Building on the University of Michigan campus taking notes in a women's studies course. While I registered mainly for administrative reasons (the session fulfilled a requirement for my English Literature major), the class had the added benefit of being thought-provoking. One of the assigned books, Strong-Minded Women, remains on my bookshelf today. I trust my prof would have been pleased to see an essay I wrote today about sociologist and feminist scholar, Alice S. Rossi (pictured here), made the cut as an "editor's pick" on Open Salon. You can read the piece, "45 Years After Rossi, Mommies Propagate Prejudice," here. While I don't take any formal classes today, I remain a student of sorts, observing how women's attitudes and behaviors impact society. ...

The Ultimate Test

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-11-02T04:58:00Z

Amadeus... That's a clue for my answer to some complex questions that came this weekend from Silent Sorority readers. The ideas and emotions contained in their questions were remarkably familiar -- so much so they could have come straight out of my own head a few years ago. I guess, by now, I shouldn't be startled by the depth of the shared infertility experience. I'm sure they'll evoke some deja vu for you, too. The questions pose the ultimate test for infertiles who don't succeed with treatment -- overcoming anger and finding peace. First came this email:"I've been having a rough go of it lately and have been pretty messed up.It's kind of the kick off of the fun family/kid centric holiday season and I know it's always really hard for me. Something you wrote about in your book and talk about at times is an issue that I'm dealing with. How did you move beyond the resentment of people who do have children? I absolutely hate feeling this way. I'm even starting to resent my dr. and therapist, not good. I just see everyone with kids as having something I can't, won't. On some level, I understand it is the way it is supposed to be. On the other hand, I just want to isolate myself from all those with kids. So frustrating,and impossible too! Does it just fade away?" This query was followed soon after by this one:"I attended my first Resolve support group meeting for life after IVF(childfree) and just finished your book. My hardest struggle has been my Faith. I was raised in the ole time religion (southern baptist environment) then into Pentacostal all before the age 10... but since going through this ordeal, I find myself asking if there really is a God because all the things I was taught, like if you do this, righteous, the Lord will bless you...blah blah blah. If you can speak a little on this I would appreciate it. Am I the only person who is so angry with God, that I lost faith? Have any of the other infertile women ever shared anything similar with you?"I mulled over how to respond. This wouldn't be easy, especially since I'm far from an expert on the whole God thing. I could pull out the usual cliches (cue the "we each have our cross to bear" statement), but these burning questions require more than existential rationalizing (you're free ...

Fertility Clinic Funnies

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-10-23T23:35:00Z

You know you are pretty far along the acceptance curve when you can laugh about things that once made you want to: a) scream b) cry c) commit Hari-Kiri or d) all of the above. I offer as evidence the Open Salon piece I wrote about the fertility industry, which led to the following online exchange with that oh so rare creature -- a man who openly discusses infertility. Here's how it went:Him: As far as I could tell, the main function of a fertility clinic is to transfer money from infertile couples to the fertility clinic. They are remarkably effective at that. A fairly rare side effect of the money transfer is that every once in a while a baby is born. For my wife and me it got to be kind of a joke. We couldn't walk into the clinic without dropping at least $120 on something. We never knew what it would be, but we knew that our wallets would be at least $120 lighter when we left. And those were the cheap days. Other days we'd drop a grand, two grand, three grand, for the procedures and medications that can only be described as cruel and unusual punishment. And at the end? Nothing, except an empty bank account, and the offer that we could "try again." Thanks, but no thanks. Me: Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Your comment gave me a laugh -- my husband and I also felt like human ATM machines. It's refreshing and reassuring to know we're not the only ones who see the fertility industry as dangerously close to predatoryHim: And they get you coming and going. We ended up with a few embryos in a petri dish. These, of course, have to be frozen. The first year the freezer cost was $200. The following year it was $300. Then $400. Then $500. I felt like asking if the embryos were in a freezer or living in an apartment. I half expected to get a bill for cable TV for the embryos. But I have to give credit where credit is due. The "sperm sample" room did have the best collection of Penthouse magazines that I've seen in recent years. I'm just not sure that viewing it was worth $12,000.Me: LOL! My husband and I are convinced our embryos took at least one trip to Hawaii (and ...

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Womb Scorned

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-10-19T14:38:00Z

It's been quite a while since I felt compelled to include a blog post in the "Memo to the Fertile Community" category, but what comes next fit like a glove and then some. BTW: credit for the blog post title goes to my guy. There I was last week innocently starting my Sunday morning, feeling all it's Sunday! I was about to pour a large mug of coffee and dive into The New York Times when ... BAM. You can read what happened next at Open Salon along with some interesting comments.I also encourage you to check out Loribeth's post, The Dark Side of Positive Thinking, which highlights Barbara Ehrenreich's new book: Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. I, too, saw Barbara interviewed by Jon Stewart and loved her characterization of the "empathy deficit" that exists in today's society. Take it from one who knows, the right response when someone is going through a particularly rough patch is to acknowledge it, not try to minimize it. Minimizing bad experiences with a thinly-veiled redirect or worse, a partronizing pep talk about staying positive, only serves to make the person feeling bad feel worse. Now go on and have whatever kind of day you need... ...

Tough Talk: Living Without Children After Infertility

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-10-07T19:30:00Z

Infertile folk will never quite measure up on the yardstick of life used by "fertile" folk -- what with such things as pregnancies, baby firsts, kid kibbitzing, and parental back slaps among the many markings. So what's an infertile to do? Get a new measurement system! That's only one of the "ah has" I've learned in reconciling infertility. It's also just one of the many discussion topics you'll hear in the radio segment: "Deciding to Live Involuntarily Childfree" (Note to the childfree by choice tribe: I know you get downright hot under the collar when infertiles co-opt your childfree label, but I didn't name the segment).Get comfy. Grab a cup of coffee or better yet, a glass of wine -- chances are pretty good if you're reading my blog you won't be supervising homework tonight! Addressed in the hour-long segment: When should you stop infertility treatment. At what point do you decide to simply stop trying for the miracle? What are the life long ramifications with making the decision to live childfree? Joining me on the show, hosted by Dawn Davenport of Creating a Family.org, was Stephanie Baffone, a therapist who made the decision to live child free after years in infertility treatment and has counseled with many others facing this decision. ...

How Big Is the Elephant in Your Room?

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-10-02T14:00:00Z

Constance? Earnest? Stalwart? Fred? I haven’t named my elephant yet, but I really should since it’s been with me in whatever room I seem to occupy for quite some time now. Yes,infertility comes with its very own elephant – as if we need things to be any more crowded in the places we occupy, or worse yet, in doctor office waiting rooms (Can you just picture it? A room full of couples and their elephants??!)Editor's Note: You can read more of my latest Barren Not Beaten column at Fertility Authority. ...

A Conversation Starter for Moms and Dads*

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-09-05T16:52:00Z

*Who have never stepped foot in a doctor's office to discuss why they are having trouble conceivingIt's not easy to explain why the question, "do you have children?," can cut like a knife. With that in mind, I wrote a guest column, Infertility: Amid the Silent Sorority. It first ran on a site called CurrentMom. Perhaps this perspective can provide a starting point ... ...

Barren Doesn't Mean Empty

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-07-03T18:37:00Z

Come on in. We've got room in front. Okay, everyone settled? Can you hear me in back? Good. Okay, I've got a few confessions to make. First, I haven't been completely silent these past six weeks. Those of you who follow me on Facebook or Twitter know I've been writing for other sites during my Coming2Terms sabbatical. That's right. I've been testing the waters and getting comfortable writing for a wider audience. For instance:There's my ongoing work to raise awareness about my book Silent Sorority (new reviews arriving regularly)There are my offbeat pieces like, "How Did I Get So Chesty," which can be found on MORE magazine's website My commentary on living without children in an era of helicopter parents, "No Kids? Heap the Scorn, We're Ready" lives on Open Salon My Barren Not Beaten column on Fertility Authority covers a range of topics like my review of the movie Up As those of you who have been with me from the beginning well know I started this blog feeling broken, empty, isolated -- in a word: LOST. I'd been living with infertility for more than a decade and, at 43, found myself confronted with the unthinkable. Infertility treatment of all sorts had proven futile. Time was running out on a spontaneous, miraculous pregnancy and that stark realization flattened me. I was angry, bitter, despairing, prickly. I felt my body had betrayed me. I felt massively misunderstood and, not surprisingly, I didn't like the world very much.A spin through my earliest posts reveals that I channeled my blackest ire at women who conceived easily. There were even days when I felt positively hateful toward once infertile women who succeeded where I didn't. At times their comments felt disingenuous. Their glowing posts were a stake in my fragile heart. "Look at me, I'm so very pregnant now! Here's my belly (which you'll never have....) to prove it!"Yes, I confess that I never came right out and said it then, but those posts cut deeper in some ways than hearing about pregnancies from women who had never visited a reproductive endocrinologist. In my angry world, infertile women who posted baby pictures and raved about their newborns were the equivalent of women who unabashedly brought their children into fertility clinics. Have you no decency, no compassion? I screamed more than once at my computer screen. What riled me up the worst? When women in treatment who did go ...

Growing Pains

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-05-27T14:50:00Z

Uh, oh. I detect some growing pains. The signs are all there. You know, when you wake up and get the sense of being torn in different directions? It's not simply a question of bagel or Cheerios, but am I feeling settled? Unsettled? Seems I'm a goofy teenager all over again only with better clothes and different skin care issues. Sure, we're always undergoing some form of growing pains, whether it's adjusting to a new routine, a disappointment or a success for that matter, but some transitions are bigger than others and, for me, they always seem gigantic when I'm on the cusp of a birthday. (Note to those visiting here for the first time: Have no fear. You're not too late. The highlights from the first stage of my life and my experience overcoming the worst of infertility can be found in my book, Silent Sorority. You can get all caught up with me and even find some of the best of my Coming2Terms blog in Silent Sorority, available on Amazon.com. If you like it, please leave a review on Amazon -- you'll be helping other women find fellowship. Meanwhile, have a look around the previous posts and comments -- there is still lots of active sharing going on so please make yourself at home and take part in the conversation.)Now, I'm not sure what's awaiting me in the next chapter of life, but I'm ready to make the leap nonetheless. I've taken a sabbatical from this blog before, and while I seriously doubt that I can stop writing altogether, I do know that I need a change. I'm going out of town with my guy on a trip that will culminate in a birthday celebration on June 12. During that time I'll mull over whether it's time I preserve this blog in its current form -- a journey through the unpredictable sometimes oppressive, sometimes absurd, sometimes liberating experiences that come in the wake of unsuccessful infertility treatments -- or perhaps start another blog. Of course, I'd need a new name, a new look, a new charter. To be continued... Ta-ta for now my dear Internets. ...

Going Up!

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-05-19T02:16:00Z

An an infertile (that's right, all you "as a moms," ... we infertiles can invoke superiority, too!), I'm happy to report that there's finally a movie coming to theater near you that contains a story line that portrays infertiles as endearing, not selfish ... sweet, not reviled or pitied. Time magazine says the movie, Up, will prove to be one of the most satisfying movie experiences of the year. Hallelujah! It's about freakin' time. Hollywood has some serious making up to do for consistently negative story lines about my people. Time's Richard Corliss writes:"Spanning two continents and seven decades, Up begins in a 1930s movie theater. A newsreel tells us that famous explorer Charles Muntz (voiced by Christopher Plummer) is just back from South America's remote Paradise Falls with the bones of a prehistoric bird. Denounced as a fraud by archaeologists, Muntz vows to retrieve a member of the species and bring it back alive. In the audience, wearing aviator goggles atop his thick-rimmed specs, is young Carl Fredricksen, who is enthralled by Muntz's motto, 'There's adventure out there!'"On the way home, Carl finds a kindred spirit: a girl named Ellie, as vivacious as he is stolid, who harbors the same dream of visiting Paradise Falls. It's love at first sight, and in a tender montage, Up shows us their life together: the wedding, the fixing up of their home, the quiet walks, their respective jobs at the local zoo (she tending the animals, he selling balloons), their eager preparations for a child they later learn they can't have, their need to defer the big trip to pay for home improvements, then her slowing pace and death. This series of vignettes is played without dialogue and underscored by Michael Giacchino's wistful waltz. It's the sweetest, saddest 4 1⁄2 minutes you'll ever see on film."Of course, I haven't seen the movie yet as it hasn't opened, but I know the story line well. We infertile couples today live a parallel, updated version not in animated form. We experience love at first sight and fix up our homes, take quiet walks, work at respective jobs, and ... make eager preparations for a child we learn we can't have ...It's sad and it's sweet, and yes, like Ellie and Carl we are devoted to each other. Fortunately, for me and my guy, we aren't in our 70s yet. We're now at the point in our lives when we treasure our time ...

Envy and Equanimity

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-05-13T14:06:00Z

Some remarkable milestones to report:1) I was pea green with envy yesterday, but not for the usual reason (that's right folks, pregnancy was not involved!) ....2) A new work acquaintance asked me if I had children and my first instinct was not to throw something at him. I think both episodes show signs of progress, yes? Okay, the details. I've been working a few days a week at a really interesting startup where the only downside is that it requires 60-90 minutes of drive time each way. Since I abhor long, slow commutes I try to distract myself with NPR stories. Yesterday's feature had me wrestling with the ugly green monster. Why? The guest was a new author talking about her book chronicling her experience, at 37, to freeze her eggs. Ah, you say, you envy her the access to a new, promising reproductive technology? No actually, I envied her the slot she scored on NPR's Talk of the Nation discussing her new book.I laughed at the realization that I'd graduated from pregnancy envy to book envy. In each case I have had to work harder to get fewer results. You've got to admit the parallels are ironic. First, I couldn't get pregnant while doing everything required and then some while everyone around me was getting knocked up right and left. And, now, at a time when I finally delivered my book about the hidden tolls of living in an era of designer babies and clinics marketing fertility for all, I'm reminded again that mainstream media has a fascination with making babies, but they're less interested in what happens when all the whiz bang technology doesn't deliver on its promise. Ah well, I'm getting very comfortable being the Rodney Dangerfield of reproductive technology outcomes (and books about them). Now, for item numero dos. For years I avoided any and all social and work situations that might land me in the middle of small talk with new people. I was expert at the handshake and run. It was my way of self protection and a sure fire means of avoiding the evitable question about whether I had children. Yesterday I not only got the question, I answered it without my usual indignation at getting the query; it was completely in context (we were discussing dosing of medications from a pediatrician's point of view). I answered it without feeling any malice whatsoever toward the man and continued with the conversation ...

Mother's Day: From Meh to Arrghh!

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-05-10T02:04:00Z

Newsflash: Non-moms do not represent a unified voting block, as evidenced by the 46 responses to my recent request for non-mom perspectives about Mother's Day on HARO. Much of the differences in opinion stemmed from the circumstances that led to being a non-mom (e.g. those who chose not to have children vs. those who wanted children but weren't able to). Sure there are some -- yours truly being one -- who find the over-the-top mommy marketing palooza hard to stomach, but other non-moms take a more zen-like approach. Where we can all agree, though, is around the idea that all women -- not just mothers -- deserve a nod for all they do for their families, communities and the world at large. Here, in their own words, are more thoughts from non-moms on Mother's Day. Thank you!! It is nice to see someone willing to acknowledge that there are woman not called 'mother' out here. Gritting my teeth is exactly the way I get through it. Every commercial for mother's day has me running for the remote control. Any other channel will do. I feel anger at the assumption that all women must be or will become a mother. My mantra becomes soon another 'holiday' will be here and they'll forget all about this mother's day business.But it is all around you. In the magazines, on the TV talk shows, 'news' shows, entertainment; talk about who is pregnant, how awful it would be to not experience the wonderfulness of pregnancy and having children. It seems when the childless woman is mentioned it is as the butt of jokes or with a sad shake of the head, if she gets thought about at all. I wish there was a better way to get through it than Haagen Daas, Hershey's and trying to close it out of your hearing and your mind. --Lee I am a married woman who has chosen not to have children. I become irritable during Mothers Day season. I do agree that women who have children have a lot on their plate. However, women who do not have children are also doing great things. We also balance home and work responsibilities, give back to the community in many ways and like to feel appreciated. Why is it that only mothers get cheered on for what they do? Wouldn't it be nice to have a "Woman's Day" where all women get to be pampered and ...

Just Five More Days...

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-05-06T13:42:00Z

Well, heeeellllllooooo! Had enough, yet, of the Mother's Day marketing? Just a few more days, ladies, and then we can look forward to the distractions caused the barrage of email marketing associated with May 18 -- International Museum Day (I kid you not!). So we have a winner in a very close contest for the Mother's Day/Infertiles spoof (belated because my guy was out of town). Annacyclopedia hooked him with waffles -- influenced, no doubt, by his morning coffee. - At the best brunch joints in town: "Free brunch for all infertiles, past and present. Because nothing says I love you like all-you-can-eat waffles."(Thanks to all of our participants and congrats, Annacyclopedia! Please email the address where I can send you the More magazine subscription.)So I've been accumulating quite a few interesting responses to a query I submitted last week to HARO (Help a Reporter Out). I'll have a longer post for this Sunday. In the meantime, I welcome your answers to this same query: As marketers rev up their Mother's Day campaigns, a contingent of women get the cold shoulder or are made to feel like second class citizens (e.g. women who wanted children but couldn't have them or single women/aunts, etc.). Would like to hear from non-moms. How do you cope/manage through the mom-palooza and mother deification? Do you indulge yourself? Head for hills? Grit your teeth? * * * * * *And, if you haven't heard yet, the newest edition of Exhale is now out. My column explores the woman I'd like to become. I've come a long way, but still so much to do, so little time...(Finally, a happy anniversary to my parents! 48 years of wedded bliss. Seriously these two are like teenagers with their first puppy love, still!) ...

This Scary Thing, That Scary Thing

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-05-01T07:01:00Z

M E M O R A N D U MTo: The Month MayFrom: Pamela JeanneSubject: Go Easy On the Life Stuff, 'Kay?cc: Coming2Terms ReadersWe all know that I'm just now finding my sea legs with this whole "getting on with my life all barren and beautiful" so bear with me if I get a little wobbly now and then. You've been warned. This blog is likely to go through some growing pains (more on that and other non-mom stuff coming soon). Truth be told, the "I am a published author" thing hasn't really sunk in yet. I still wake up with goofy bed hair, wonder if my next 40-something years will be as weird as the first 40-something years, and, you know, generally get on with the business of living ... commute to work, grocery shop, take out the trash and do the laundry, etc., etc.Also distracting me from the culmination of five years of editorial effort, there were the brutal reality checks that came flying at me in April. If you've been following my Tweets you know that I had a breast cancer scare. (Yeah, I needed that like I needed a hole in the head!) One fine day in April I showed up for my annual mammogram. Two days later on a bad cellphone connection, just ahead of Easter, I heard a voice fading in and out from the imaging center saying, "Drs. so and so don't like what they see" -- can I come back the Tuesday after Easter for an ultrasound of my mysterious mammaries. WTF? Yeah, it felt not so great to be consumed with the big "C" while, tra la, the rest of the (Christian) world gorged on chocolate bunnies and spiral sliced hams. Monday in the office felt like a month of Mondays and Tuesday morning after 90 minutes of getting my girls slammed, scanned and prodded by three different people wearing white coats (nasty flashbacks of IVF clinics all the while dancing in my head while I prepared for the bad news), I learned that unlike IVF I flunked all the tests but passed the final.Then, there's this whole virus thing. Nothing like a little cancer scare and pandemic threat to grab you by the throat and remind you that life is actually quite fragile, and we humans who think we are large and in charge -- not so much. Here's the strange thing. As an infertile, I was eerily calm ...

"Birth" Announcement: Silent Sorority

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-04-25T07:01:00Z

We welcome with relief ....Silent SororityApril 25, 20096 inches x 9 inches 13.6 ounces205 pagesJoins proud "mother" Pamela M. Tsigdinos and "father" A. TsigdinosI think I did that correctly (name, date, size and weight)...I dunno. As anyone who has been here before knows I've never actually written a birth announcement. I think I'm supposed to talk about how long the labor lasted (try five years -- elephants have nothing on me). And, consider yourself lucky because even though we live in the YouTube era, we didn't videotape the delivery. Suffice to say there was plenty of grimacing, screaming and hyperventilating throughout the labor. My next book will be about rainbows and butterflies, something Disney would embrace. Why? Well, I've learned the hard way a story pitch that shorthands to "How a (Barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found" just doesn't fit the traditional publishing world's narrow view of a sale-able book. Here's the way the past two years played out on the pitch front ...Me: But there's humor, a love story, some cattiness here and there and plenty of sexual references. Certainly that's got to be good for something, no? Publishing world: Well that helps, of course, but ... you know what the problem here is?Me: It's the use of the "I" word, isn't it? But I changed it to "barren" -- that's biblical ... totally retro, right?Publishing world: DOES NOT MATTER! If it concerns the "I" of any kind ... we are totally allergic, find it all very tedious...Me: Hang on now, there's drama, suspense, tears and laughter. Publishing world: Read my lips ... infertility stories of any kind = Kryptonite. And, there's no baby in your book, right? Well that's not gonna work. It's got to end with a BABY! Me: But you're missing the point! It's got an "Indie" film-like ending. Did you know that last book about life after infertility without babies or kids came out in 1989!? That was 20 years ago. A few things have changed. Let's see, there's the Internet (that was pretty big), and then the "mommy movement" took shape, fertility clinics popped up on just about every corner...Publishing world: Oh, so you're saying the environment, society has changed?Me: Uh, yeah. Conventional wisdom is all screwed up today. Everyone thinks science will get any infertile couple out of a jam (heard about OctoMom or those 40+ moms on the cover of People -- like they didn't ...

Greeting Cards, Ads You'll Never See

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-04-21T14:17:00Z

I like the way RESOLVE thinks. They see an opportunity and seize it. They get right out ahead of the Hallmarkized juggernaut, a certain "M" day, by highlighting the other side of the coin: National Infertility Awareness Week. That's right, mark your calendars. It starts this weekend, April 25, and runs through May 2. You can take part here in a number of ways. Funny thing, though. We're practically on top of it and I haven't gotten one measly email from a merchant offering discounts on flowers, spa treatments, brunch, dinner, jewelry, clothing and the like. I don't expect to receive sappy cards and I certainly am not likely to get every Tom, Dick and Harriet wishing me a hearty Happy Infertility Awareness Week! But I know, as in years past, that if I'm out and about the second Sunday in May, I'll get more than one person wishing me a Happy Mothers Day. It's quite surreal. They always catch me off guard. I can't help but look for the hidden camera. Have I been Punk'd? Is it like St. Patrick's Day. Is every woman suddenly a "mom" on Mother's Day? The casual "now have a happy M day" cheerfully delivered once tore me apart. The "M" didn't stand for Mother. It stood for Mourning. How many tears have I wept on that day? More than enough to fill a Great Lake ... for lost children, lost chances, loss of innocence, loss of my future as a grandmother (you can't say I don't have range when it comes to mourning). The weeks just before, when the marketing machine was going full tilt, served up torturous, painful reminders that took a few weeks to get over. I've come a long way since those sad and angry days. This year I am not going to let it get the upper hand or flatten me. I'm not going to hit delete as fast as the "M" subject header shows up in my inbox. It's time to teach "M" Day providers a little lesson. I'm going to forward the ads to the customer service department and ask what sort of specials they offer for infertile women. I can be as cheeky as the people serving up the unwanted emails.Meanwhile who wants to join me for a little laughter is the best medicine? Tap into your creative side. You know you want to ... and there's a reward. A free one-year ...

Kind Mom Trumps Mean Mom

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-04-16T22:29:00Z

First, I'd like to thank Shaz and Loribeth for their shout outs and the Sisterhood Award. In turn, I'd like recognize those who take the time to participate in a meaningful conversation here on Coming2Terms. The comments on the last post are a great example of sisterhood at its finest.Infertile women living in a fertile world know well the meaning of "death by a thousand cuts." That's because repro-challenged women are too often blindsided, stung or sucker-punched by careless comments, gestures or oversights. So when I hear from mothers who genuinely want to be better friends to my peeps I'm happy to recognize them with my own Act of Kindness commendation. One day I hope such kind behaviors are so freakin' commonplace they no longer need to be called out. (Now there's some irony in that the same day I received an email from a kind mom, a mean mom flamed me. Guess my last two posts struck a little too close to home. Seems some mommies can dish it out but they can't take it. Flamer girl clearly would have sucked at dealing with infertility and the barrage of weird stuff we have to tolerate. If a momzilla reference torqued her, can you imagine how she'd have managed if the tables were turned? Fortunately, kind mom "C," made mean mom look even more puny). "C" writes: I try to be mindful in conversations how incredibly painful and vacant infertility must be.I wish so desperately I could help in some way. I am not sure what route I would have taken. You just want joy for those you care about and each person's joy meter pegs to different scenarios. It is frustrating as "the friend" not being able to spring into action with a plan. Many times we offer space as it seems required or desired not due to lack of caring. We have no cues or clues as to the best response at times so perhaps we disappoint with our quiet mode. We also want to weave the fabric of our lives into the correspondence but are sensitive to the fact that our joy may be coming at the exact moment your old friend sadness decides to move back in.A dear friend of mine who lost a child at a young age bristled when people called on the holidays or her daughter's birthday to check in because this day must be particularly painful. She quietly ...

What Does Choice Have to Do With It? Plenty

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-04-13T01:35:00Z

Warning: A longer and more complicated than usual post here. Hat tips to Liana and to Christina, two smart and sassy online pals who exercise my brain and challenge my thinking in a good way. Each pointed me to articles in the past week or so that formed the foundation for this post.Humans. We're such predictable and simple beings when it comes right down to it. We're social by nature, competitive on a whole bunch of levels, and we crave validation. We're also primal and spontaneous but feel at our best when we're in total control of our destiny -- often two ideas at odds with each other. These striking characteristics of humankind have become quite apparent to me in my seemingly never-ending quest to make sense of my life (and my often conflicted feelings about infertility). Bear with me, but this entry is a break with past posts, where I've drawn a line in the sand between fertiles and infertiles. Recently, I have been mulling over two distinctly dissimilar groups of adults who curiously share one very important and life-defining element in common.In the first group, consider those who had "oops" pregnancies and reluctantly went on to become parents, and those who couldn't conceive at all and reluctantly accepted that pregnancy was just not in the cards. In both cases, conscious choice did not play a central role, biology did.These seemingly distinct fertile and infertile types are remarkably similar and 180 out from their opposites. The second group includes those for whom conscious choice trumped biology, and I mean kicked biology's ass.I'm talking about those who consciously and wholeheartedly dominated the primal thing, set a timetable and, voila, conceived and delivered whatever number of babies they felt they could comfortably raise. Their equivalent are those who consciously and without reservation decided they did not want to have kids, no way no how, and carefully controlled their reproductive tendencies to ensure no babies arrived on the scene. (Within these groups there are various subgroups. In particular, there are those who couldn't conceive and went on to adopt and those who conceived but didn't see parenthood as a viable option and gave up their children for adoption, accordingly. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to leave it there. With adoption comes a much deeper set of issues that I'm not equipped to discuss with any authority. In the main, these two subgroups do, however, share on big thing ...

A Study in Contrast: Non-Mom and Mom

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-04-06T13:56:00Z

Where's the freelance documentary crew when you need one? This weekend offered up some good material, a mini study in contrast: "Non-Mom and Mom." The protagonists are two great friends who have known each other 20 years. They had plans way back when to be pregnancy pals and comrades in motherhood. One friend had four pregnancies and three children, the other had three "alpha" pregnancies but no children. (I'm guessing you know which one was me). Role tape ...The scene opens with non-mom placing a call from her car after dropping her guy at the airport's white curb -- you know the one for loading and unloading only? It's been more than six months since non-mom and mom last saw each other (mostly due to non-mom's "unavailability" -- screaming toddlers not being high on a non-mom's "must-see" list ). Mom is home and happily invites non-mom over. The rendezvous arranged, non-mom sings along to tunes on the car radio. She's riding a high from endorphins delivered that morning during a robust workout at the gym. Still humming, she approaches an unusually still house. Shhh...mom tells her when she opens the door, the kids are just down for a nap. Mom apologizes for not yet making it into the shower and picks up children's socks, toys and sippy cups as they make their way into a kitchen that looks like it's been hit by a tornado. Non-mom catches a glimpse of herself in a mirror. With freshly washed hair and a complexion accented by a dewy coral blush and a complementing crisp, coral colored top, non-mom appears to glow. Mom, meanwhile, brushes some oatmeal off of her top and invites non-mom to sit down on a patio chair after removing kid's toys from the seat. What comes next is a delightful uninterrupted visit where the old friends talk about everything and nothing. They laugh and reminisce. They ride the same wavelength seemingly finishing each other's sentences as they did routinely a few years ago. There are no role barriers separating them, just two pals sharing an afternoon in the sun. In time a door slides open and a little one happily yells out: "mommy!" A second toddler starts crying because she's hungry. Mom needs to pack the family gear for a trip and there's a pile of laundry that needs to be done. A dog starts barking. Amid the confusion and demands for mom's attention, non-mom sees that it's ...

Wanted: Carefree Gal Pals

Pamela Tsigdinos — 2009-04-03T14:54:00Z

Wanted: Carefree, witty, fun-loving females available this weekend (or next) to engage in laid-back goofing around. Cosmos, gin and tonics or wine likely involved. Requirements: Absolutely no discussions allowed about kids, infertility and the like.For the first time in like, forever, I have no book writing or editing, my house remodel is finito and the freshly painted, cleaned place is ready for entertaining and I'm a bachelorette. Yes, my DH is heading overseas on a business trip (and a surprise visit to my Irish nephew and niece --- shhhhhh!!!!). Yes, I know I'm suggesting light-hearted fun on Palm Sunday and Easter weekends (certainly blasphemy or something close to it for those practicing Catholics and other religious types in the crowd), but there you have it. I have fashion and gossip magazines, an iPod full of great tunes, a lovely patio with chaise lounge chairs in the sun, chick flicks ready for viewing if the weather goes South, and a map to the best spas and shopping in the area. Who's in? ...