Coming Clean: Confessions of an Imperfect Parent

I'm Back -- With An Announcement!

2012-05-13T18:06:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've confessed here. Believe me, it hasn't been for lack of material! My absence here was spurred by burnout -- not only on blogging, but in other areas of my life as well.

Over the past year since I've been gone, God has done some amazing work in my own life and in my family's life. I've seen Him answer prayers that I had nearly given up on ever seeing fulfilled. Life is still far from perfect. And I'm still a very imperfect parent. But I have a deeper understanding of the character of my Creator and His infinite trustworthiness despite my many flaws. He can handle them -- and me. And my children. And we're no low-maintenance crew.

Another thing that has emerged over the last year is that I've started a new blog! And I'm not doing it alone, which is such a blessing. Isn't it so much easier to do anything when you have someone supportive by your side? We launched today -- on Mother's Day.

My blogging partner, Kathy, is my best friend and one of the most genuine, transparent and loving people I know. It has been such a blast to create this project together.

Our new blog is called Mothering from Scratch: Where Mentoring Moms Is Our Main Dish. So many of us moms weren't handed down a healthy mothering legacy. But regardless of the quality of mothering we received, we all have to figure out what works for our unique personalities and children's temperments. We're all Mothering from Scratch. And we'd like to help give moms the resources they need to create their own recipe.

I'm not sure if God is done with my Coming Clean blog, yet, but for now you can find me at Mothering from Scratch. I hope that you will come by and visit me there!

I must confess ... I've missed you!

Officially Taking a Break

2011-06-06T20:03:00.005-04:00

I'm finally making it official. I need a break.

If you haven't noticed, I've been on an "unofficial" break from blogging for a while now.

I didn't really intend to abandon you. I'm quite fond of you, my fine blogging buddies. And I love sharing my life and experiences with you.

And yet I've been mysteriously sucked into the blogosphere vortex. Drafted for an episode of "Without a Trace." Rendered more elusive than a good-paying job in this sad-sack economy.

Well, I can't go into complete detail, but I think I owe you an explanation:

1.) I'm in a dry spell. Normally, I'd think of that as a negative, but I'm seeing it as a positive right now. I'm taking this time to get closer to God and He's revealing to me some weak spiritual areas in my life and is exposing some lies I believe -- about myself and about Him. I'm actually enjoying taking this break from writing and just concentrating on deepening my relationship with Jesus.

2.) I'm concentrating on family. I just feel like I'm in a period where my kids need some extra attention, so I've cut my activity level over the past five or six months. Again, I'm enjoying this. I'm seeing fruit from this.

I am confident I will be back. I'm not sure when, but I think it will be sooner rather than later. But instead of limping along like I have been lately, I've decided to just take the pressure off myself, enjoy a break and, God-willing, come back renewed and stronger.

In the meantime, I will miss you.

Winning Wisdom Wednesday: The Simple Life!

2011-05-04T11:13:00.008-04:00

I cringe when I think back on it.

My daughter Molly was two years old. It was a busy, stressful morning (as usual). My house was a disaster. The refrigerator was bare and dirty. And I was rushing to put her in the car and running late for a women's group I was leading at my church. Which I was unprepared for because of the 500 other commitments I'd made.

And then I just lost it. I began ranting and raving (to no one in particular) about how overwhelmed I was and how I was late everywhere I went. On and on I went ... I was sobbing. And poor Molly looked at me as if to say, "Pull it together, you crazy woman!"

The fact of the matter is that it took a couple more years of insanity before I hit rock bottom and realized that I had to make some big changes. And that the world would indeed continue to spin on its axis if I wasn't in charge of everything.

One of the books that supernaturally landed in my hands around this time period was called, Simplify Your Life with Kids by Elaine St. James.

Every mama can benefit from reading this book. And the sooner the better.

It gives wonderful, practical wisdom on just about every area of family life from teaching your little ones household chores to limiting the "stuff" to conflict resolution.

It's not a "to do" list for moms. We all need another one of those like we need a hole in the head. It's more like having a really sweet, wise, but firm mother handing down some hard-won wisdom. She convinces you that life really can be slower, sweeter and less complicated -- and gives you the inspiration and tools to make it happen.

The chapters are super short, to the point and easy to apply.

Here's an excerpt from the book:

One of the reasons we end up doing too many things at one time is that we're trying to do it all. Not long ago I met a single mom with three sons, ages nine, thirteen and sixteen. Her kids are polite and well behaved. She works full-time, her house is reasonably orderly, and she appears to have her life together.

I asked her how she did it all.

She said, quite frankly, "I don't do it all. I don't even try. I work full-time, and I spend the rest of the time with my kids. Period. I don't bake for anyone but the boys. I don't accept social invitations unless the kids are invited too and we all really want to go. My kids are my top priority right now; everything else has to wait. And I'm okay with that." ...

Whether you're a single working parent, part of a working couple, or a work-from-home or stay-at-home parent, the pressure to do it all is enormous. One basic way to simplify your life is learning to discriminate between the essential and the nonessential.

So figure out what your top two or three priorities are, spend your time and energy on them, and let the rest go. Simply accept that it's not possible to do it all and that it's all right if you don't -- in fact, it's immeasurably better if you don't. You can have a happy and fulfilling life while doing only part of it. People have done that successfully for years.

Your Chance to Win Some Wisdom:

How do you enter? Simply leave me a comment on my Wednesday "Winning Wisdom" posts during the month. I will choose a monthly winner from all those who have commented. The next winner will be chosen on June 1st.

Winning Wisdom Wednesday Winner!

2011-04-27T21:36:00.003-04:00

The winner of this month's Winning Wisdom Wednesday is .... Graywolfie! Congratulations!

She'll get to choose from the three parenting books that I featured over the last month:

Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

Revolutionary Parenting by George Barna

All three are excellent, so you can't go wrong whatever you choose, Graywolfie!

Do YOU want to win some wisdom next month? Here's how:

Each Wednesday, I post a thought-provoking, interesting or encouraging quote from a parenting book I've read. On the last Wednesday of the month, I will give away one of the books (winner's choice) that I've quoted from throughout the month.

Simply leave me a comment on my Wednesday "Winning Wisdom" posts during the month. I will choose a monthly winner from all those who have commented.

What's the Big, Honkin' Deal?

2011-04-26T10:22:00.009-04:00

I am so excited to have my very good friend Dina guest posting today. Dina is not a blogger, but she should be. And I think she's about thisclose to taking the plunge. Dina and I met about 9 years ago and have spent many hours solving the world's problems in our kids' school parking lot. Which, by the way, is the setting of a funny, entirely all-too-relatable experience she's sharing with us today:

My anger can be an ugly thing. Especially when it’s on display in my children’s Christian school parking lot. At least it wasn’t directed at any family members this time (I’m hoping that’s a step in the right direction). Perhaps I’m just in a bit of denial.

Okay, let me explain. On a recent morning, after dropping my kids off at school, I was exiting the parking lot. You can only turn right or left out of the parking lot into a 15mph school zone. There was quite a bit of traffic coming both directions so I knew – okay , I thought - I had a minute to look down and dial a number on my phone. (Talking while driving is a topic to be discussed at another time.) Well, apparently I missed a prime opportunity to pull out because the person in line behind me gave me a nice long honk. Point taken. Phone down. Begin exit from parking lot.

But wait, I can’t pull out – too much traffic is still coming. Not to mention I’m totally distracted now because the honking has continued very obnoxiously and as I look in the rear-view mirror I see that this man’s lips are moving violently. He's alone in the car, so I realize that he is honking and yelling at me. My first instinct was to throw the car in park, make him wait even longer and go back there and give him a piece of my mind. I didn’t want to be rude to the other people behind him though. Instead, I waited until I had a nice long break in traffic, pulled out ever so slowly, rolled down my window, craned my neck, made full eye contact, and proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs, “THIS IS A CHRISTIAN SCHOOL – YOU COULD ACT LIKE IT!!!”

At least I didn’t swear.

Fast forward to the next day. God must have wanted to test me because as I was coming to school guess who pulled out right in front of me? You guessed it - Mr. Horn Honker! I could feel the anger rising up in me again. I indulged my impulse to ride up on his tail for a minute, until my level-headed daughter reminded me that "I am a Christian and should probably act like one." Ahem.

I know that I should have ignored this man to begin with. I know it was wrong to yell out the window at him. But this type of thing gets to me. I was burning with rage and continued to stew over it for at least an hour. I could have made a list: “40 Ways to Torture the Honking Hellian”.

However, I decided to spend a little time with God, ask forgiveness, and get my head back on straight. Proverbs 29:11 reminded me “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control”. I might tape this to my visor. Maybe the next time I’m confronted by another hostile honker, I won’t act like a fool.

Winning Wisdom Wednesday!

2011-04-20T10:07:00.005-04:00

We all want to raise revolutionary offspring.

Unfortunately, if you're like me, getting them to school in the morning sometimes feels like your only parental accomplishment in an average day.

So how do we rise above the chaos and mundane aspects of parenting so we can raise children who actively live out their Christian faith in their workplaces, friendships and communities? Who bring their spiritual commitment and character into everything they do?

Renowned researcher George Barna was on a mission to find out the secret to raising kids with "life-impacting faith." To that end, he spent years talking to parents who had raised children who were making a measurable difference in their churches and communities. He looked for common themes in how these parents raised their children. His book Revolutionary Parenting is the product of that research.

Be prepared. This book will no doubt change your ideas about how you teach (he prefers the term "coach") your children. And you may be surprised that the things we focus on with our children aren't always the most important things.

Here's a rather lengthy, but very insightful quote from the book:

Spiritual champions have the advantage of being raised by parents who are more concerned about the love they show fellow students than whether they outperform them. They are raised to tell the truth, even if it means they might lose some opportunities....

"Oh my gosh," said a mother, laughing as she recalled the behavior of her son, who was always trying to impress his folks with his grades and his sports feats. "We kept coming back to how he treated people and what he did with his money and what kind of stories he'd tell his friends. We tried to affirm his accomplishments, but we worked at keeping those things in their proper place.

"He was sick of hearing me tell him that I'd rather have an honest boy than a smart one, and that God was more excited about a servant than a superstar. It took him a long time to get that message. None of his friends were being given the message, his teachers did not give him that message, his coaches did not give him that message; it was only dorky Mom and Dad who kept harping on that them But as he grew older and began to see, and sometimes suffer from the absence of character among this friends, he latched onto the idea that character matters more than achievements."

Your Chance to Win Some Wisdom:
Each Wednesday, I post a thought-provoking, interesting or encouraging quote from a parenting book I've read. On the last Wednesday of the month, I will give away one of the books (winner's choice) that I've quoted from throughout the month.

How do you enter? Simply leave me a comment on my Wednesday "Winning Wisdom" posts during the month. I will choose a monthly winner from all those who have commented. The first winner will be chosen on April 27th.

* I apologize for not posting last Wednesday. Last week's Winning Wisdom Wednesday was the casualty of Melinda's Migraine. :(

5 Things To Know Before They Start Middle School

2011-04-19T11:53:00.004-04:00

It’s been a wild ride.

Yes, middle school has been all that and more – hormonal ups and downs, angry tirades and impatient ranting. Poor Molly.

It’s true. Adolescence has sometimes brought out the best and worst in me -- bringing me to my knees (literally) in ways I never thought possible. It has ruthlessly challenged my rigid, perfectionistic tendencies. It has relentlessly stretched my capacity for love, humility, courage and forgiveness.

I feel pity for the mom of a 5th grader that I was three years ago. She was so naïve and woefully unprepared. So, as an act of service for other mothers who may soon be entering the middle school years, I offer my Top Five Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Molly Started Middle School:

1. Your child is now too cool for you. Think you got it goin’ on, mama? Well, think again. You see, it’s embarrassing to be seen with your parents, because, well, no one else has parents. Your child is the only one. So you can see how your existence is a tad bit humiliating – at least until they need money.

2. All your brain cells suddenly evaporate. Your decades of wisdom and life experience just can’t compete with their friends’ 12 years of knowledge and expertise. (Actually, in hindsight, I think they’re listening to us more than we give them credit for.)

3. Every promise you make is written in stone. Pre-teens and teens tend to see things in black and white. Circumstances don’t change. YOU are the one who changed things. Which makes you a big, fat liar.

4. You suddenly become a candidate for “What Not to Wear.” I have gotten enough fashion critiques in the last three years to last me a lifetime. (The plus side? I must admit, I’m no Heidi Klum, but she’s made me more hip.)

And best of all...

5. You’ll learn to love your child in a whole new way. The really valuable things in life are worth fighting for. Don’t believe everything they tell you – good or bad. And keep loving them and praying for them no matter what. After all, you’ll need all the prayers you can get, mama. They’ll be driving soon.

Winning Wisdom Wednesday!

2011-04-06T15:54:00.006-04:00

Ignorance is bliss.

Okay, I don't really believe that, but sometimes I would like to stay in the dark about my own shortcomings. Because when my eyes are opened to my own unhealthy patterns and selfishness, I know I'm going to have to make a change. In a word: Yuck. I generally don't embrace change -- especially change that causes me and my children pain (at least in the short-term).

So Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend was a tough book for me to read. It hit my control-freak, people-pleasing self right between the eyes. In truth, I wish I would have read it years earlier. Change wouldn't have been as painful then. So my advice? Don't wait to read this!

Here's a quote from the book:

"Help your child accept the limits of his power by accepting yours. Admit your failure, weakness and limitations. But, in addition, own what power you do have. In doing this, give your child as much freedom as possible and control him as little as possible. 'I'll make you stop' is sometimes necessary for very young children or for emergencies. However, it's much better to say, 'I can't make you stop, but I can tell you what will happen if you don't.' Then don't make empty threats. Follow up on promised consequences. That's where your true power resides. You can't make a child behave, but you can structure choices and consequences that help the child choose rightly."

Your Chance to Win Some Wisdom:

Each Wednesday, I post a thought-provoking, interesting or encouraging quote from a parenting book I've read. On the last Wednesday of the month, I will give away one of the books (winner's choice) that I've quoted from throughout the month.

How do you enter? Simply leave me a comment on my Wednesday "Winning Wisdom" posts during the month. I will choose a monthly winner from all those who have commented. The first winner will be chosen on April 27th.

A Sink-ing Feeling

2011-04-04T11:36:00.011-04:00

Some things you just don’t want to know.

For example, I really don’t want to understand how the plumbing operates in my house. When I turn the water on, I just want it to work.

But now and then, it doesn’t. Last week, I turned on the sink to do dishes and the water just kept rising. I naively thought a simple plunging would do the trick. (Okay, deep down I knew it wouldn’t, but I was in denial.)

This only served to pump the dirty water into the other side of the sink. Beautiful.

The last time this happened was the morning we were leaving for a two-week vacation. We called the plumber (thanks to an aging house, he's practically on speed dial) and arranged for him to fix it while we were gone.

But he didn’t show. You don’t want to know what our house smelled like after a backed-up sink sat for two weeks in an unairconditioned house in the middle of July. Enough said.

That memory fresh in my mind, I had a crazy, terrifying thought: I could learn to fix this myself.

Honestly, this had never occurred to me before. At first, I dismissed this as a moment of pure insanity, but then I remembered how much a visit from the plumber costs. And that it sometimes takes two weeks for him to arrive.

In an act of sheer courage, I drove to Lowe’s to buy the appropriate tools. Two employees greeted me as I made my way to the plumbing department.

Employee #1: How are you today, ma’am?
Me: Just great. How are you?
Employee #2: Oh, we're just livin’ the dream. How can we help you?
Me: Well, I’m looking for a pipe wrench and a sink auger.
Employee #1: Oh. You have big problems.
Me: Yea. I’m the one livin’ the dream.

Employee #2 takes me to the plumbing aisle and shows me what I’ll need. He asks me skeptically, You’re fixing this yourself? And then he smirks. Smirks, I tell you!

Armed with tools I had no idea what to do with, I left Lowe’s on a mission. After a thorough education from ehow.com, I was ready to subdue my sink.

After several failed attempts, I finally was able to remove the pipe from under my sink. A major victory until I realized the bowl I had under it was far too small for all the water pouring into it, which then flooded my kitchen.

I was undeterred. I had found the clog! After removing it from the pipe, I reassembled the sink and, to my shock and amazement, it worked!

I wasn’t the only one in shock. Husband: You fixed the sink? You did? You did? When the reality of the situation hit him, I then think I spotted a glint of new respect in his eyes.

You must be thinking: Great story, Melinda, but how does that relate to parenting? Be patient. I'm getting there.

Like plumbing, parenting requires me to stretch my abilities like never before. Over and over again, especially since my daughter became a teen, I’ve had to act in ways that took courage, that pushed me way out of my comfort zone and that, frankly, I didn’t think I was capable of. But every time, I did it, I became more confident. And I noticed I was slowly gaining new levels of respect from my children.

And if I gain more confidence by being pushed out of my comfort zone, at the ripe old age of 41, don’t I owe it to my children to push them out of their comfort zones, even if they approach these new demands and responsibilities with the same enthusiasm that I approached my sink? When I do, they gain confidence and learn things about themselves that they won't if I don't push them to get their hands a little dirty along the way.

All those realizations from a broken sink. Imagine what I could learn if my roof caved in. Perhaps that’s another thing I’d rather not know.

New Monthly Book Club Giveaway!

2011-03-30T07:34:00.024-04:00

I may blog about parenting, but that doesn't make me an expert. This mama needs all the parenting wisdom she can get.

So, in addition to gleaning great tips and encouragement from my fellow mom bloggers, I also read books. Alot. In fact, recently, my teenage daughter picked up a parenting book from my desk, rolled her eyes and said, "You're obsessed. Is parenting really that hard?"

Ummm... I'm not even going to go there.

Anyway, maybe my "obsession" is a good thing, because you, my lovely readers, are going to be the beneficiaries. Here's how:

Each Wednesday, I will post a thought-provoking, interesting or encouraging quote from a parenting book I've read. On the last Wednesday of the month, I will give away one of the books (winner's choice) that I've quoted from throughout the month.

How do you enter?Simply leave me a comment on my Wednesday "Winning Wisdom" posts during the month. I will choose a monthly winner from all those who have commented.

So, to kick things off, I'm sharing a quote from Sacred Parenting by Gary L. Thomas. In a nutshell, the theme of this book is how parenting our children forces us to confront our fears, selfishness and expectations, while drawing us closer to God. It is an awesome read, but be sure to wear good shoes. You'll get your toes stepped on. At least I did.

Here's a great quote from the book: "We need to use the most wearisome aspects of parenting as the occasion for thanking God for putting up with us. When we look through this lens, we find that raising a demanding child can actually become motivation for worshiping and adoring God. No spiritually aware parent can at the same time become self-righteous. Only the most forgetful and the most blind among us can act arrogantly before God, as though he had given us a heavier burden than we had given him. Sacred parenting reminds us that no matter how difficult a child may be, we still play in the minor leagues compared to God's great sacrifice."

If you'd like to enter for a chance to win Sacred Parenting or the other books I quote on "Winning Wisdom Wednesday" during the month of April, just leave me a comment! The first winner will be chosen on April 27th.

Minor League Blunder

2011-03-21T11:47:00.005-04:00

Mom, don't forget to sew on my Little League patch, okay?

How could I forget?! This was only the 423rd time my son Micah had reminded me. And it was the 423rd time I'd put it off. Sewing ranks right up there with cleaning the toilet in my book. Betsy Ross I am not.

Me: Yes, I will sew on your patch!!

Micah: But you said you'd do it last night and here it is. (He thrusts it in front of my face).

Me: Well, I'll do it tonight.

Micah: American Idol's on tonight. (Sort of an obsession in my family.)

Me: Okay, well your game isn't until Tuesday. I'll do it before Tuesday.

Micah (sighs): All I know is that one season you didn't sew it on until right before my last game and then you sewed it on the wrong sleeve.

Okay, that was three years ago! And he's still holding that against me? If that's my worst motherly offense, I must not be doing too horrible of a job, right?

But, later, I thought about it. He remembered it because it was important to him. It might have seemed like a little thing to me, but to him, it meant alot.

Sometimes all the responsibilities of parenting seem so overwhelming. But maybe it's not always as complicated as we make it. Maybe a big part of being a good parent is just focusing on the things that they value. Because when we do, it makes them feel valued.

I think of how many times God has answered prayers and concerns of mine that I think He must find small and insignificant. And when He does, I'm reminded of how much I mean to Him. He cares because I care.

I want to give my children those same kind of reminders.

Still, I must say it was a little comforting to see more than half of Micah's teammates with bare sleeves at his last ballgame. Perhaps I'm not the only mother who doesn't always keep her eye on the ball.

A side note: I've been mostly absent from the blogging world this past month as I've been focusing on getting two sick kids well and working on another project that I can't wait to tell you guys about when I get closer to launch. I've missed you guys! I'll be making the rounds and catching up on visiting everyone this week!

The Party's Over

2011-03-01T09:32:00.004-05:00

It had been going so well.

In fact, I was ready to declare Micah's party one of my children's most successful birthday extravaganzas.

The boys got their energy levels revved up on the Go-Karts. From there, they went into the rowdy, overstimulating world of Laser Tag. Finally, the evening ended in a sea of sensory overload on the glow-in-the-dark minigolf course.

Pure birthday boy bliss. Everyone was having a fabulous time.

And that's when the party should have ended.

Experienced moms know that the amount of time between kid merriment and complete meltdown is about 30 seconds. The fun meter shoots up high until you reach a tipping point and it quickly goes all downhill from there.

The trick is letting it go on long enough where everyone has had fun, but to cut it off before birthday party Armageddon occurs.

Let's just say I need to work on my timing.

One moment laughter and squeals of delight filled the air. The next I turned around to see my son and one of his friends in a brawl on the floor. Fists were drawn, but fortunately, thanks to my husband's speedy intervention, no blood.

From the sketchy information I was able to obtain from my son and other reliable 11-year-old sources, both boys just sort of lost it. For no rational reason.

Except later, the reason was very apparent -- to me, at least: Go-karts. Laser Tag. Pizza. Glow-in-the-dark minigolf.

What sane mother puts lasers and golf clubs into the hands of a group of rowdy, 11-year-old boys?!

In truth, it was just too much. Go-karts and laser tag would have been plenty. But Micah wanted minigolf, too, and I didn't draw the line. Even though my gut was telling me I should.
(Although, after the birthday boy beatdown, I did have the good sense to say no to pleas for ice cream.)

It's a lesson God has been opening my eyes to in other areas of my life as well. My kids' schedules have been moving at a breakneck pace lately. They've been having a great time.

Until a month ago, when they both got sick -- really sick. Like the kind of sick that you don't get completely over in a week -- or even a month.

It's been a brutal, humbling reminder to me that I have to do a better job of knowing when and where to draw the line. Kids are always going to do more than they can handle. They think they're invincible.

But, amazingly, our children quickly become irritable, ill and lose perspective when they're too busy and overwhelmed -- just like us "old" people.

Until my kids gain the experience and maturity to regulate their own schedules, I have to have the courage and wisdom to know when to announce that the party's over.

Five Ways To Love Yourself

2011-02-14T11:01:00.007-05:00

Are you tantruming more than your two-year-old?

More annoyed than your adolescent?

Pouting more than your preschooler?

Well, then, my miserable mama, your love bank is running a serious deficit.

Our children and spouses make deposits in our accounts. However, we have to be intentional about making some regular investments in our own well-being. It's only when our love bank is healthy that we can spread the wealth to others.

So, on this Valentine's Day, I'd like to share five ways that might help keep your love account out of the red:

1. Feed your soul. Last night, my husband complained that our household has had a "serious survival vibe" lately. Amen, brother. With back-to-back rounds of the flu attacking multiple family members, two birthdays, and spring sports starting, I felt mere "survival" had been a major victory.

Until I surveyed the battle aftermath this morning. Not only is my house trashed, but so am I.

And I know it's because I've been running on fumes instead of making the time to spend time with God daily and draw my strength from Him. I need that daily to gain perspective, grace and to order my priorities. He always gives me peace amidst the craziness -- if I let Him.

2. Build up your body. When mama's sick and tired, the whole house implodes. It is NOT selfish or indulgent to make the time to exercise, eat right and get proper rest.

3. Give yourself some grace. Life is busy. And certain seasons of parenting can feel like a tsunami. Don't lower your standards where they count. But do lower your expectations. You are not supermom. It's okay. None of us are.

4. Giggle with a girlfriend -- daily. The last few years of parenting have been particularly stressful for me (raising a teenager -- hello??). I am so thankful that God has given me a friend who is wise, funny and non-judgmental. She has helped keep me sane -- and laughing at the insanity of my life.

5. Splurge a little now and then. A few weeks ago, I got a French manicure with a gift card given to me by aforementioned friend. It was worth every penny she spent. I felt like a new woman. (Sorry, hubby, but I think this is going to become a habit.)

Your whole family will reap the dividends of your regular "extreme self-care." Not only will it improve your outlook and attitude, but you will be setting a good example for your children. (Because we all know our kids never do enough for themselves... :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God. For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. So let us do our best to enter that rest. Hebrews 4:9-11a

Last Moment

2011-02-02T10:32:00.006-05:00

"Last" isn't always a bad thing.

I wouldn't mind the last load of laundry, for example (providing that actually existed).

And you see no tears from me when I put away the last dish after dinner.

I definitely like getting the last laugh.

But today -- exactly 11 years after the first time I held him -- I did something for my son for the last time. And I didn't like it. Not one bit.

Micah turned 11 today. Next year he'll be in middle school. So it's a safe bet that this is the last year it'll be "cool" for mom to bring in cupcakes.

It's the last time, 20 plus adorable children will cheer, "Yea! Mrs. Means is here!" when I walk through the door with birthday treats.

And I almost missed this "last."

I had tons to do today and I simply dropped off the cupcakes with the lunch lady this morning.

I was halfway home when I realized this would be the last time I would do this.

So I turned the car around and spent the afternoon eating lunch with a table of mischevious, rowdy fifth grade boys and watched with a smile as they quickly devoured a couple dozen red velvet cupcakes.

I even got a huge hug from my son without a hint of embarrassment.

And I savored every last moment.

Battle Fatigue

2011-01-26T09:38:00.006-05:00

I had planned to write a cute and funny post today. But I don't feel very cute or funny.

I mostly feel battle-weary. And sad. And angry.

Raising a teenage girl in today's rot-gut culture is the hardest war I have ever waged.

As prepared as I try to be, I often feel, as a parent, completely ambushed by a barrage of gut-wrenching challenges and dilemmas.

I try to protect her, but the onslaught feels crushing at times. Under fire from all sides, I wonder how she'll emerge from the teen years without being a casualty. More than that, my heart's desire is for her not just to survive, but to emerge victorious!

Of course, I know that prayer and God's intervention is what I have to continue to rely on. I know He is the best Warrior I could ever imagine.

But that doesn't mean that I don't feel very small and alone in this at times. That I feel like my ammunition has run dry. That I fear I'm not courageous and wise enough to wage the war that I'm engaged in daily.

I love my daughter so much. I know that He loves her more. I just don't want to fail her or Him.

But the battleplan isn't always clear. And I know I've already made many tactical errors. I'm ashamed of the times that I haven't been brave.

No matter how old your daughter is, pray for her today. The culture has made our girls a target in a way that is downright frightening. (Case in point: When I was looking for a photo to go with this post, I had a terrible time finding a woman soldier who was fully clothed.)

I know He is stronger. But today this soldier is feeling a little weak.

I'm linking up again this week to Shell's Pour Your Heart Out meme. Apparently, I'm a gusher lately. :)

Waiting to Be Ready

2011-01-20T18:53:00.007-05:00

Moms do a lot of waiting. It’s an occupational hazard.

Waiting in the parent pick-up line. Waiting for soccer practice to end. Waiting for kids to get ready for school. Waiting for our offsprings’ undying gratitude … cough, cough.

So you’d think after 14 years of the waiting game, I’d be good at it. Or at least used to it.

But waiting still makes me anxious. Restless. Jumpy. Discontent.

And right now I find myself in a very big season of waiting in my life.

God put in my heart to write for Him about 11 years ago. I had very little idea of what I was to write, who I was to be writing for or when that might happen. At the time, I had a toddler and soon I would be pregnant with my son Micah. Who had time to write? Or finish a thought, for that matter. What I did write was for healthcare companies (which I still do to some extent). We needed the money.

The writing God had called me to do seemed elusive, but it was always in the back of my mind. Then, four years ago, I believe He opened the door for me to go to a Christian writing conference. It was life-changing. It was how I began writing for Focus on the Family and some other publications. And I've gone every year since. This summer, I also went to the She Speaks conference in North Carolina.

Throughout these past four years, God has refined me and told me who I am to write for: struggling, imperfect mamas like me who need to experience and feel God's grace. Still, I feel my efforts are clumsy and feeble at times. Am I even following the right path? Considering the struggles I have with my own children, am I worthy or qualified for this calling? (The answer is NO, but He is.)

Right now, I have the opposite problem that I did 11 years ago. I have so many thoughts and ideas about things I want to speak and write about. But God has brought me to a realization in recent weeks: I’m not ready. I’m still in process. I still have too much to learn to write the book that’s been burning inside me for the past decade. I need more wisdom and the gift of experience and perspective.

So, in the meantime, I’m taking notes. I’m trying to be obedient by seizing the opportunities He’s giving me now to use the limited wisdom and experience I have. Someday, the wait will be over. And, by the grace of God, I will be ready.

What are you waiting on in your life right now?

Today I'm linking up to Shell's Pour Your Heart Out meme. Go check her out!

A New Sheriff in Town

2011-01-05T10:24:00.009-05:00

The long arm of the law had finally reached them.

But they didn’t believe it.

Who could blame them? Too often, they’d been allowed to commit infractions without penalty. At times, my parental inconsistency was borderline criminal.

About a month ago, a new day dawned around here. Through a series of events and simply being sick and tired of doing things my own (ineffective) people pleasing way, God opened my eyes to the damage I was doing by seeking my children’s approval and comfort and doing things for them that they should be doing themselves.

So shortly after Thanksgiving, armed with new insight and resolve, I told my children:

Things are going to be different around here. You’re going to be assigned regular chores. I’ve been doing too much for you and I’m not doing you any favors in the long run. I’m going to quit nagging and reminding, too. You’ll make your own choices about your behavior, but then you’ll have to own the consequences. (See my Cracking the Chore Code and Morning Glory posts for more about my new approach.)

Molly: Um, not to be rude, Mom, but we’ve heard this before.

Micah: Yea, I hate to say it, but she’s kind of right, Mom.

Knowing that this time WAS different, I simply said: Just give it time. There’s a new sheriff in town.

They both thought this was very funny.

Until the sheriff started enforcing the “laws.” And then you could see the panic set in. Crap! She’s serious.

Yesterday, a month after my epiphany, both kids asked me to do something for them that they were too lazy to do themselves (this is happening less and less often, though.)

When I refused, each of them responded: Oh, yea, there’s a new sheriff in town.

But this time, the disbelief was gone. Along with a good deal of my stress.

Three parenting laws that I started obeying in late 2010 are helping me stay on track. With God's help there will be (minimal) law-breaking in 2011:

Law #1: Consistent Enforcement. This has always been a weak area for me as a parent. I tend to go in cycles. I’m great about keeping the kids on track with chores and behavior, but then get busy or burned out and let things get out of control.

I know it’s only been a month, but this time IS different. Instead of doing it on my own strength, I’m relying on God like never before. And I have a couple of people who I check in with to keep me accountable and encouraged in this area.

Law #2: No Nagging or Reminding. I don’t think anything chips away at a relationship more than nagging. I’m learning to just let my kids suffer the consequences. I say it once and give them a deadline. If it’s not done, there’s a price to pay. Period.

Law #3: No Tunnel Vision. I can get very caught up in the moment and want to give in to my children’s pleas or demands. But I’m doing a much better job of keeping the big picture in mind. I ask myself, “If I give in to this, am I moving them closer to being a responsible, caring adult?” This also helps me not break Law #1.

Whenever God opens me eyes to unhealthy patterns, it’s wonderful but difficult. Changes have to be made. I look back with grief and regret over the damage I’ve done.

One day recently when I was feeling rotten about the past, I read this in the Bible Study I’m doing: “God is always big enough to work inside of our mistakes. No matter what the size of the problem we have gotten ourselves into, His ability to rescue us is bigger still.” (from Living with Unmet Desires by Shawn Lantz)

Thanks to God’s grace, my mistakes don’t mean a life sentence – for me or my children.

The Twelve Confessions of 2010

2010-12-30T10:13:00.008-05:00

Happy New Year! I’ve been taking a bit of a holiday hiatus and just enjoying relaxing and spending time with family. Except when my kids are fighting. Or my teenage daughter is giving me attitude. Or when my husband and I are bickering about home improvement projects. Yes, it's a real season of bliss over here at the Means house.

But if there’s anything I’ve been learning to accept over this past year, it’s that the imperfection makes life much more interesting – and it’s in the messiness that God teaches me the best lessons. Like humility. And anger management.

I always find it cathartic to look back and process what I’ve learned before I move forward. So, in that spirit, and inspired by similar posts at ThetaMom and Mommyfriend, I am listing The Twelve Confessions of 2010 -- some of my favorite parenting lessons (blog posts) inspired by my parenting failures. Feel free to read 'em and laugh. Go ahead. Mock my pain.

January ... in the first month of 2010 ... I have a split personality.

February ... in the second month of 2010 ... I'm tone deaf.

March ... in the third month of 2010 ... I miss opportunities.

April ... in the fourth month of 2010 ... I practice "image control."

May ... in the fifth month of 2010 ... My control freak tendencies are "hair-raising."

June ... in the sixth month of 2010 ... I'm not a "Do-It-Yourself" Mom.

July ... in the seventh month of 2010 ... I won't be the next reality show star.

August ... in the eighth month of 2010 ... I'm my mother's daughter.

September ... in the ninth month of 2010 ... I need a wake-up call.

October ... in the tenth month of 2010 ... I'm Teflon Mom.

November ... in the eleventh month of 2010 ... I overreact -- and it's messy.

December ... in the twelfth month of 2010 ... God's helping me find Morning Glory.

Wow. I feel much better now. Thanks for being such a supportive group of moms to "confess," to! I appreciate you so much! And I look forward to "coming clean" some more in 2011!

Cracking the Chore Code

2010-12-17T10:34:00.006-05:00

I don't need any Christmas presents this year.

Santa came to visit early this year and he already gave me just what I needed and more than I could ask for: A chore system for my children that actually works.

Come to think of it, this is a more of a miracle than a gift, so my gratitude definitely belongs with the good Lord and not Saint Nick.

Over the summer, I blogged about a new system I was trying with my kids. For the record, that was the 213,475th system I've tried over the past 10 years. I may not be smart, but at least I'm persistent.

Well, that system, like all the others, did work -- for a while. That's always the problem. I couldn't find a system with staying power. And that I could be consistent in implementing.

Until now.

About a month ago, I had an epiphany, ignited by a book I read recently called Have A New Kid by Friday by Dr. James Lehman. (Don't let the title fool you -- the book is much more about changing parental behavior than changing your kids. I learned a ton.)

Anyway, Dr. Lehman suggests this brilliant strategy:

1.) Assign your kids chores on specific days.

2.) Don't nag or remind. (This about killed me.)

3.) If the chore isn't done on the assigned day, offer one of the siblings the opportunity to do the chore and earn a portion of their brother's or sister's allowance.

Finally, an upside to sibling rivalry!

This has been a keen motivator in my house. I've never seen my son so eager to wash towels.

I've added my own spin to this -- because sometimes even earning their sibling's allowance isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.

And then guess who ends up doing the chores? Yep, you guessed it. M-O-M.

To avoid that and to teach my kids responsibility, they simply don't get privileges until the chores are done. Isn't that how real life works?

For example, last night, my daughter wanted me to take her to the mall to spend some of her birthday money. But she hadn't cleaned the bathroom yet (her Monday chore). And Micah apparently decided it wasn't a "manly" job. So, we simply didn't go to the mall until the bathroom was clean.

You know why this works? It's easy to implement. There are no stickers or magnets to keep track of. And the choice is left up to them. If they don't want to do the chores, they don't have to. But choices have consequences. So if they choose not to help around the house, they won't have any money and they won't be going anywhere. I'm not the nagging motivator anymore. The consequences are the motivator.

It sounds so dang simple and obvious as I write it that I don't know why I didn't do this years ago.

Yes, this is making my stress level go down and is making my job easier around the house. But I'm most excited about the responsibility, life lessons and sense of accomplishment I believe this new approach is already giving my children.

Someday their college roommates and spouses will thank me.

Sibling Savagery

2010-12-15T11:07:00.007-05:00

A war is always waging at my house.

Sometimes my warriors use subtle weapons that inflict superficial wounds. Other times, the combatants whip out their swords and eagerly draw blood.

Sibling rivalry. It’s a battle that’s been brewing since Cain and Abel.

It has driven me to the brink of insanity and at times broken my heart. Sometime, long, long ago, I actually believed siblings were naturally inclined to show love to each other. Poor, sad, silly naïve parent that I was, I foolishly believed that it would somehow be programmed into their DNA.

After 10 years of watching my very own family version of Celebrity Boxing, I believe I just might be on the verge of the turning the tide in the sibling rivalry battle – or at least making significant advances.

Here’s an epiphany I had recently: Behaviors only continue when they’re rewarded.

Now I certainly have had that head knowledge for years. But I haven't always put it into action.

Melissa from Confessions of a Dr. Mom wrote about this subject recently and it inspired me to be even more deliberate about robbing my kids of the thrill of their sibling battles.

Why do our kids battle in the first place? Well, there are probably many reasons, but here are a few reasons I believe kids go for the jugular:

1.) To get our attention. Negative attention is better than no attention, right? If it works, they're going to give us repeat performances.

2.) To answer the question, “Do you love me?” How many times do you hear, “You love him more! You always take his side!”

3.) To make them feel better about themselves. Isn't it human nature to put someone else down to elevate yourself?

I don’t have all the answers (please!), but after a decade of watching the verbal bullets fly, I’ve certainly learned what doesn’t work. And I’m trying some new strategies to achieve a ceasefire:

1.) Focus on their positives. I’ve been more concious of building up each kid and complementing their unique strengths, talents and character qualities.

2.) I’ve quit engaging. For years, I’ve listened to both kids explain why they “didn’t do anything” and how “He started it!” or “She started it!” What was I thinking? Big mistake. I’m often not in the room when it starts. And I don't have the wisdom of Solomon. So, my new strategy is: "If you’re fighting and unable to resolve it, you both lose privileges. And I don’t want to hear you plead your case. Queen Mom has issued her ruling. It is not up for appeal.”

3.) I’ve been trying to be more consistent. Our kids will probably never believe we're being completely fair. A part of them will always believe that the other sibling or siblings always gets away with more. The fact is, our children have different personalities, so we’re not going to always treat them or discipline them exactly the same. And we shouldn't. However, I’ve found that when I’m consistent and reasonable in how I parent them -- even if they don't always like it or agree -- they're generally more cooperative and it does diffuse some of the sibling friction.

Believe it or not, this battle-weary mama is actually beginning to have hope that perhaps the war won't wage on forever.

How do you handle sibling rivalry in your family?

Tweet Me Tuesday: Taking a Twitter Holiday

2010-12-14T09:48:00.003-05:00

We all know it. Twitter is incredibly addictive. You can sit down for "five minutes" and emerge blurry-eyed (but giddy) five hours later.

And, if you're like me, the extra tasks and busyness of the holiday season have begun to pile up, leaving me with very little time to spare these days.

For that reason, I've decided to take a "Twitter holiday" both from Twitter and Tweet Me Tuesday until after Christmas. (I'll still be blogging.) I try to do that periodically anyway and NOW seems like the perfect time to give tweeting a rest and focus on my to-do list so I can enjoy my family and the true meaning of the Christmas season.

I encourage you to take a break at some point over the holiday season as well and come back refreshed and ready for some great conversation in 2011!

Good Clean Fun: Living Power

2010-12-10T08:25:00.006-05:00

When parenting gets tough, wouldn't it be nice to have your own personal coach to support you, give great advice and reassure you that you will survive?

That's why I absolutely love Laurie Wallen of Living Power! A life coach with special needs children, Laurie understands the demands and complexities of parenting in today's world. And she provides real-life, hard-won tips and advice to help parents meet the challenges we face every day.

Here's a little bit of what Laurie says in her bio:

Are you a mom who's determined to thrive no matter what life brings? Do you have children with special needs or other circumstances that really make that tough? As a mom with 4 kids - 2 with bipolar and developmental delays - I get it. Like you, I've had to find resources to help me do this parenting thing and not fall apart doing it.

In my own journey to thrive, I discovered I love to help others do the same. So I became a life coach who helps women live with purpose and joy in the midst of challenges. I also speak for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups. I'm excited to share this journey with you too!

When you read my blog, you'll find parenting tips, stress-management tips, encouraging stories, and ideas that bring perspective to life as moms and life as caregivers to our special kids. My hope is that each time you stop by and join the conversation, supportive friendships will form with other moms who get it too.

Here's a post Laurie would like to share with you ... I know you'll love her as much as I do!

What’s Your Theme Song?

People can be really creative. That’s usually a great thing!

Except when it’s your four year old pretending to play a CD she made (out of cardboard). In your minivan’s CD player.

Yep.

Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of the music I’m not listening to. My favorites, the songs that I resonate with. The kind of music that pulls my soul to the surface and gives me permission to feel things beyond my usual daily experience.

I have a few that you could consider my “theme songs” in life.

More than any other song I’ve heard in my life, Blessed Be Your Name (Matt Redmond, 2002) is the one I want on my epitaph. It captures the longing of my heart to take life by the horns, the good and the bad, and lift it with all my might to heaven, and to thrive. These are the lyrics:

“Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name”

Of course, on a bad day (like, perhaps, today, when my oldest came home with moods off-kilter, asked for something I couldn’t give her, and when I said no, proceeded to bang her head in to the wall until she dented it and broke a light switch). Well, on a day like that, my theme song might be more along the lines of R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” or Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic.”

Just like in my car (when the CD player is actually functioning...) I can choose what stations I listen to, in my own mind I have that choice too.

I can choose to have a posture of gratitude and desire to bless His name, even on the “road marked with suffering,” or “when I’m found in a desert place.” Or I can choose to freak out and list in dizzying chaoticness all the things that are going wrong like R.E.M. in their song.

For a few minutes today, I chose R.E.M.’s version. And the music in my spirit sapped me of all my strength and joy. Then I changed my mental radio station (and took a short walk outside!) and voila! It’s like being that cute actress in a movie who has her own great theme song whenever she enters the scene.

What music do you choose for your life? If you had a theme song, what would it be?

Go check Laurie's blog out today and leave her some comment love!

Play Now, Pay Later

2010-12-09T10:24:00.005-05:00

My heart went out to her. Really, it did.

My teenage daughter Molly sat at the kitchen table, looking completely miserable.

Molly: Mom, I don’t feel like doing my homework. I’m tired. I don’t feel good. And oh, yea, I HATE math!

(Hmmm… wonder how the family would react if I applied that logic to laundry or making dinner or cleaning… but I digress…)

Me: I understand. But you have to do it.

Molly: You don’t understand anything! If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t make me do this! Wow. Thanks a lot, Mom.

As she was ranting, I looked over at her 10-year-old brother Micah who was doing his nightly cystic fibrosis treatments. They include wearing a vest that inflates and vibrates to keep his lung mucus flowing, along with inhaling three separate nebulized medications.

Me: Micah doesn’t want to do what he’s doing right now either. And I love him. I don’t want him to have to do that every night. But because I love him, I know he has to do it, or he will pay the price later. It may be a while, but there will be serious consequences for his health.

That’s why I’m telling you to do your math. I want to let you off the hook. But I have to encourage you to stick with it because you will pay a price if you don’t. It’s your choice, but there are always consequences.

Molly: Sigh. I know.

After some further dramatics and cries of being subjected to inhumane treatment, she finished her homework.

Now before you say, "Melinda, my what incredible patience and amazing insight you have!" please know two things: 1.) That was totally God who enabled me to make that connection and explain it calmly. 2.) My kids often want the easy way out. And over the years, I’ve been far too willing to open the door for them. We’ve all paid the price to some degree.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been taking positive steps to turn that around. I’m not allowing things to slide. I’m giving them more responsibility. I’m allowing them to suffer the consequences when necessary. I’ve stopped rescuing. And I’ve prayed every step of the way.

Change isn’t easy. It feels very uncomfortable to my recovering perfectionist, people-pleasing self. And believe me, the kids haven’t been too crazy about this new “Do it yourself” mom either.

But it's already been reaping dividends. My kids are already more self-sufficient, hardworking and respectful.

And isn’t that what we ultimately want? To raise adults who are responsible, self-motivated and attentive to the needs and feelings of others?

So lately, whenever I feel myself going weak in the knees when I know I should stand firm, or when I’m tempted to give in to my control freak tendencies and do something for them that they can do themselves, I remember what I’m working toward and ask myself, "Is what I’m doing going to shape them into the people God wants them to be?" And I feel my backbone getting stronger.

We all have a ways to go, but if I stick to my guns, they’ll respect that Mom’s not playing around. And one day we'll all reap the rewards.

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Galatians 6:9 NLT

Tweet Me Tuesday: Twitter Holiday-Style

2010-12-07T09:47:00.008-05:00

Your home is festive, your tree is up ... why not bring some of that holiday cheer to Twitter?

Here's a couple fun ways to add a little Christmas spirit:

1.) Sociable Blog has such great Christmas Twitter buttons that you can add to your blog. Check them out:

2.) Wishafriend has some adorable holiday Twitter backgrounds.

3.) Twixenate allows you to add snowflakes and Santa hats to your Twitter avatar. It's a cinch!

Hope you're enjoying the season with your friends and family and remembering Who it's all about!

Okay, now on to Tweet Me Tuesday! It's as easy as 1, 2, 3, uhhh, 4...

1.) Tweet this post! Be sure to visit Kristen at MamaBytes, too! She is my wonderful co-host in this Blog Hop!

2.) Link up a post you’d like Tweeted using Linky Tools below. It can either be your most recent post or an older, favorite post you'd like to share with a new audience.

3.) Follow me and Kristen on Twitter! (if you’re not already)

4.) Visit the links below and Tweet as many posts as you'd like (linked below).

You can follow as many of these bloggers as you’d like on Twitter. (You can follow their blogs, too.)

When you Tweet a blogger’s post, it's nice to leave a comment telling them you tweeted it as part of Tweet Me Tuesday. Not required, but leaving comments is always good!

If you tweet at us/about us/for Tweet Me Tuesday please use the hashtag #TMT. It makes it easier for us to find your tweets! Not sure about hashtags? See Kristen's post.

Please remember that Tweet Me Tuesday is about Linky Love! Please don't just leave you link and fly off! Visit as many of the others listed as you can. The more you interact with others, the more benefit to everyone.

Alright -- get to tweeting!

Morning Glory

2010-12-02T06:00:00.002-05:00

He refused to budge.

I expected the first morning after Thanksgiving break to be a little rough. So when my son Micah groaned and rolled over after the alarm clock went off, I wasn’t surprised.

But I also wasn’t going to nag. That has been my MO for years – badger, beg and/or plead and, if all else fails, yell. It’s been working brilliantly for the past eight-and-half years. Everyone leaves the house frustrated and late. Yep. It’s been working like a dream.

Despite its fabulous success, I decided this morning I was going to take a new approach. Instead of turning into Cruella de Vil, I did nothing.

When breakfast was ready, I went in and calmly told him. He didn’t move.

I heard the snooze button go off several times, but I didn’t react. I did laundry, unloaded the dishwasher and kept my cool.

When 7:40 a.m. rolled around (the time we’re supposed to leave), I went into his room and informed him that it was time to leave.

Micah: What?! Why didn’t you wake me?! I’ve gotta eat breakfast!

Me: Nope. I threw away your breakfast away about 15 minutes ago. There’s no time to eat.

Micah: What?! I want breakfast!

Me: Sorry.

Micah gets up, gets dressed, but the scowl never leaves his sleepy face.

He then flops on the couch.

Me: Okay, let’s go.

Micah: I’m not going to school.

Me: Yes, you are. We’re leaving.

Micah: Grunts.

Me: Is there anything wrong? Is someone at school picking on you?

Micah: No. I’m just not going.

Now, this particular scenario (refusing to go) doesn’t happen often. But in the past, I would have come a little unglued. Threatened and lectured.

But this is New Melinda. That’s not the way I roll anymore.

Me: Well, Micah, I’m actually glad you’re not going to school today. By the end of the day, I’m going to have the cleanest house on the block!

Micah: What do you mean?!

Me: If you’re going to stay home, you’ll have lots of time to help me out around here. I’ll make quite a list for you. We’ll start with weeding … (the most hated job in the Means house).

Micah: Nooooooooooooooooo!

But, still, he wouldn’t budge.

Me: And all the work you’ll be missing at school? I’ll just tell your teacher she can just give you zeros for the day.

Micah: You’d really do that?

Me: I really would.

Micah: Okay. Sigh. I’ll go to school.

Before we left, I gave him a note to give to the office staff that explained why he was late: ("Micah would not get up this morning. Whatever consequences you think are necessary are fine by me.")

Micah: Please don’t make me give the note!

Me: You’re giving the note.

When I dropped him off, I left him with these words: “Tomorrow is a new day. I know you will make wiser choices tomorrow.” (Which he did by the way … the last two mornings have been heavenly!)

I am so glad that God’s mercies are new to me every morning. That no matter what parenting mistakes that I’ve made in the past (see “badgering, begging, pleading and yelling” above), that God always gives me the grace and opportunity to change. No condemnation. No "You should have known better."

And, more than that, I can trust that when I’m willing to change He can turn even something as miserable as my mornings into something glorious.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:22-23 (NLT)