All I wanted to say is, Frances, I would really like to talk to you. I’ve no clue why, but email me if you read this. You’re the first person I’ve “encountered” to hit the nail on the head. jdarlin1@emich.edu

Based on the symptoms I can retroactively diagnose myself with this. Throughout middle school and high school I was extremely self-conscious, always afraid of what people would think. I talked to a few people at school but was too afraid to ever ask to do things. I went places with friends out of school only 3 times before my senior year. One time I didnt have keys to my house chatted with this girl who walked by and she invited me to go to her house. Never saw her again. One time I was just curious about trying something and asked a guy on the bus who had a lot of it if I could try it. Another time I was invited to a party by someone who actually noticed I was really nervous and anxious and wanted to show me how to relax. Then my senior year when I told a friend of mine I had been doing basically nothing he made sure I hung out more with him and this other guy I met who then became my friend. I quickly got my license my senior year and pretty soon I was hanging out with people a lot more often. I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. There was hope. I stopped being avoidant.

The problem is its been 2 years since then and I sometimes get depressed over the years I missed. I also feel like I have an inadequate social life sometimes but at the moment things seem to be taking off fast. I often get jealous when I hear of other people hanging out or doing things, especially doing things I’ve never done in my life. Most of the time now I want to socialize. There is nothing I like better, it’s just that if I’m away from friends for too long, sometimes even a day I will get depressed. I feel strong regret whenever I think of those years because I feel I shouldn’t have been sacred. If I could go back knowing what I know now and do it over differently I would, but I can’t. I feel almost like I have “post-avoidant personality disorder” if that even exists.

I know what caused it. I had Tourettes and was afraid of people noticing my tics or what people would think if they knew(and I actually did let a few people know and there were no negative responses but that didnt shake my fear) even though the Tourettes was very mild, and because I was beginning to realize I was bisexual. I also don’t know how it happened but the beginning of middle school or a couple years before even my relationship with my sister started falling apart. We became and still are to an extent very bitter towards each other. I think the reason I reacted to these things the way I did is because my parents were too sheltering already so it made it easier for me to shelter myself up or maybe I felt rejection to some friend or family member earlier. I remember I did not really feel the way I did as strongly until about 4th grade. All my teachers before 4th grade were great. My 4th grade teacher was cold and distant. Also I was always the smartest student and was always getting praise before that but she didnt care I was the smartest student at all (and I still was in her class). All I got was criticism. Also the year before my best friend had to go to another school.

But maybe this goes back further. Maybe it was because of liking Barney up until I think 2nd grade and the teasing from that that kind of built up. In fact I remember wanting to do things at least in 2nd grade but not getting up the nerve.

Back further I was a very shy boy at preschool, even hid under desks. Why? I don’t remember. Was somebody mean to me? Anyways I remember this one girl became my friend even to the point where we considered ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend but we broke up before the end. Strange thing is my parents remember me hiding under desks. I don’t.

Forward a little I remember at this one day care place there were these really mean schoolage kids and when I became schoolage it was a shock (of course at the time I didnt connect “schoolage” with “school” and “age”). I was even upset over it. Then my best friend from before at that place left me.

Go back further. I would talk to random people if my parents took me places. Would play with other random kids at places like Chuck E. Cheese or Discovery Zone. Go back further I remember I wanted to be moved from a crib into a bed. I remember insisting to mom and dad that they do this. Does this behavior sound avoidant?

This means I hadn’t always been like that. It did stem from something, but just what? Built up over time?

Miscellaneously stuff, when I was I dont know how old I accidentally slammed my little brother’s finger in the door. My dad thought I did it on purpose, came into my room, and started slamming me against the wall. He apologized after that but my family was able to talk me down and get me to think it wasnt bad enough to call the police(which I actually said I was considering). They even said it would be unlikely that the police would do anything about it. My dad has always been arrogant, demanding, and was often mean as far as I can remember.

I can kind of put together why I became more social my senior year. 1. Maturity, I no longer cared much about what other people thought. 2. Tics mostly went away, in fact I thought I didnt have it anymore until I started getting this clicking tic but thats so mild nobody notices(unlike back in middle school where it was mild but still bad enough that people would sometimes ask “why do you do that(not necessarily click, thats a new one didnt have that one back then)?” 3. More comfortable with my sexuality & realized most people accepted bisexuality.

Sorry if this seemed choppy.

It sounds like what you’re experiencing is really painful. I’d say contacting a doctor and looking to get help is a really positive step. You might look around and see if there are any support groups for people going through the same thing.

For myself, dealing with SAD, I found the two most helpful things to be having a meditation practice (it helped me grow more comfortable and accpeting of my anxious thoughts) and EEG Biofeedback — as I talked about in this post: http://www.anxiousliving.com/2008/08/14/the-reason-for-renewed-posting/

The EEG Biofeedback has been amazingly helpful. You can find my email in the comments if you’d like to follow up and get some more info on it. I can’t think of anything better to reccommend.

Hope things are looking up.

moodgym.anu.edu.au

Sorry if I am off topic but I came accross this blog while googling