I have tried avoidance, not making eye contact, and keeping any necessary conversations brief. I do not linger when I see him at events and have stood or sat close to my husband on several occasions – even putting my arm around him. That has not worked. The other man is still interested. I do not make the playdates – he does. Thanks for you comments. I have talked to my girlfriends about this. Elaine

A little bit of a testimony from my side… God has blessed me so much. In one week (which was 2 weeks ago), He gave me a new job with a very good salary, and someone just GAVE me a car. We know that things like these, are all blessings from God, when we walk in His path and do His will. I do trust that God also gave me this job, to keep my mind busy from pondering on the past and the OM. It has been three months now, of absolute no contact whatsoever. And my marriage is just growing stronger and stronger.

My prayers are that things would be the same for you and your husband. Yes, things are not going to be easy the fist couple of weeks back together, and still there will be many doubts from his side. I have been there… I know. Satan is now going to attack him more than ever, because now he has given a full step in God’s direction. Keep praying for him, and declare a hedge around him, around his heart, and especially around his MIND! Cause this will be his worst enemy now… the mind.

Once again I feel so humbled that there are people like you and my husband, who are willing to forgive the unfaithful spouse and to keep on loving your partner. You remind me very much of my dear husband, and I must say, your husband would soon realise how special you are by being such a good example… in always seeking God’s will, even you were at the worst end of the stick. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers, and especially your husband, cause I know, the first month back together, will be very very hard from his side. Not just will doubt sometimes overshadow him, but so will guilt… and “what if’s”… and he will probably also think a lot that you would be better of without him. But these are all thoughts from the Satan, and I pray that he would guard against them, and not give into them.

I am rejoicing with you that he has come home. And my prayers and thoughts are with you. This will probably also not be an easy time for you, but the fact that you are God-fearing woman, that you are striving to live in God’s will… is something that I know God honors and will bless you with.

Nothing is impossible with God… what a powerful statement, and so many marriages, including mine, testifies of that great and define power. Stay strong, stay focused in God’s Word. and please keep me updated. With love… and God bless. Sad–>Happy

It is not good to date while separated. You must refrain from that because of your vulnerability. I must admit at time it gets hard within our marriage but God is good and with Him all things are possible. I want to share a scripture with you. The scripture is 1 Corinthians 7:10. Please read it and understand what God is saying in regards to marriage and separation. It helped me a lot and God blessed me with that to share with you… Be blessed

In addition there are a lot of articles posted on this website that you and your hubby can read. They can be of great assistance to you. I hope ypu come right. Many blessings.

I believe you can be creative and try to avoid him even though you live in a small town and even though your sons are friends. You can go with your husband to your son’s matches for one; you can sit/stand far from this man, avoid eye contact, let your husband take your son to the golf trips and not take him yourself so that you can avoid the “firecrackers” and “sparks”. Also you can make sure you talk about your husband –especially when he is around, only talk about his good characteristics and about how much you just adore him to make this other man loose interest in you.

If you want to be drastic to save you marriage, which by the way, is the most important relationship you have in the world, you can even move to another town or even to another state. Please do anything you can do to save your family and this man’s family from grief and agony.

Please remove your husband and this man’s wife from this misery that they do not deserve. I know that it is difficult for you to stop and you might even be enjoying this man’s attention as I suspect, but trust me, your poor husband and this man’s wife are not having fun at all. Please, please, please leave this situation before it destroys innocent lives.

If there is someone else reading this post who’s got a problem with porn I would like to urge you to stop immediately. I don’t think you will ever understand the consequences of your actions fully. The place at which I am now in my life, feels like it must be a glimpse of hell. It’s really no fun at all. But do know, that only the Lord can be your Saviour.

Please go to the website called http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. They are a ministry that can help you to be free from the bondage of ponography and they have a course for spouses of the people who are involved in pornography.

Encourage your wife to do the spouse’s course as well, but you have to take the first step. Trust in the Lord with your whole heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Your family is in my prayers.

My emotional affair has been very difficult with Paul. We have had lots of contact as we are on the same soccer team this year and our sons’ friendship has continued. My feelings of affection have only grown stronger – I have been very careful how I behave, relate to him and even how I place my body when he stands near me. Sometimes his wife is there and she really dislikes me. My friend Lynda has noticed his feelings/behavior towards me as her son plays soccer too. It is a difficult situation, I’ve prayed about it and cannot break free. I’d like to hear from you. Elaine

Thank you so much for your words of encounragement and prayers. To all those seeking trust God. Do not give up. God does restore dead marriages I am a witness. Praise the Lord and God Bless!!

I got involved with pornography from the age of 12 when I’ve found some magazines in my fathers cupboard. I am sure of one thing and that is that I don’t want my kids to go through the same things I am going through at the moment –the feelings of guilt for my actions and what it did to my wife. I know that I am the only one responsible for my actions and for the way my wife is feeling.

I have started to read my Bible again and I’m constantly in prayer. I asked the Lord to help me overcome this addiction and to teach me how to be a man again to my wife and a father to my kids.

If someone can please remember our family in your prayers. The last thing that I want is a divorce. I love my wife too much. The only thing she wants to talk about at the moment is how to reach a divorce settlement. I can understand that. I have decided that the devil had done enough damage in our relationship and no more. From now on it’s only the Lord who must show the way.

I am a professional woman and would not even think in my wildest dreams I would want to do laundry, cook, clean the house etc, and still work outside home full time. But the Lord delivered me from self- centredness and laziness when I asked Him to. It was so difficult to admit that I was lazy and selfish and then pray about it, but it worked. Jesus is still at work. All the credit and the glory belongs to Jesus.

I dug a little deeper online and discovered he was on several dating sites, each with a different story. In one he was not married, in another he was newly divorced. The sexually explicit things he said to these women were things that humiliated me. Some of the things he said I had heard him say to me in the past. He told other women they were beautiful. It made me sick. When I confronted him about it, he denied it for two weeks until I actually printed out proof and he couldn’t deny it any more. We ended up separating and we cancelled our party one week before it was supposed to happen. His whole family found out about the issue. It was the worst time of my entire life.

Through God’s grace, we were able to get to a counselor and save our marriage. It was so hard! I had to face my family and friends. Many of them lost respect for me because I was trying to work out my relationship. I still don’t get invited to many get togethers and some of my family won’t speak to me. Sexual addictions are so hard for people to understand. They think you are weak or have low self esteem if you stay with your husband. In reality it takes a very strong person to stick it out and support a spouse with this issue.

We had a little girl five months ago, and everything seems to be going fine. Then I get this feeling that I need to go online and check again, and for sure he is on a motorcycle dating site. He isn’t as explicit on this one, but to me it is still the same old stuff coming up again! He doesn’t know I have found this yet. He doesn’t do this stuff at home, he does it from work on his laptop. It is so frustrating. He is deployed right now so everything has to be on hold. I don’t want to bring this up while he is far away and going through the stress of a deployment. I am trying not to cry. I have to be strong for my baby girl. I pray each of you has peace and healing comes swiftly. God Bless.

As for your situation, I think the only thing you can do is break contact if you feel that your marriage is important to you. This is very difficult – I’ve tried a couple of times and have failed. The emotional affair is like an addiction and it’s so difficult to stop it. I think in the long run it would be devastating to lose your husband, children and life as you know it. These strong feelings of affection may not be lasting. As Christians we know this is morally wrong and that it goes against what the Bible teaches us. Pray about it and I’ll pray for you. You have to really want to end it. I sympathize – it’s not an easy road. Elaine

First of all, God loves us no matter what we do or will do, that never changes. You can pray to him anytime or about anything. He wants to hear from you and wants you to tell him what’s on your heart. He already knows anyway. Also girl, there is no easy way out, never. I have struggled and tried to end things and so has my other man. We are both Christians and have tried to make it ok, but God continues to pull at our hearts and won’t let us enjoy the love and closeness we have developed, and he never will.

It is an emotional roller coaster that at times I want off so bad and at other times I just want him! You will hear many things about what to do, but there is only one way. Sooner or later we have to face the pain. We can put it off and continue as is, but the day will come when we face the pain. Once we do that and go through it we reach the other side where the freedom and our inner selves are waiting. You will have to end both friendships. Don’t know how you will do that but only you know what kind of reason you can come up with that removes both of them from your life. Maybe move.

I have the same feelings as you about never seeing my love again. I want to be able to keep him as a friend and stop the physical, and I almost think I could do that, but men have that drive for the physical and he wouldn’t be able to live up to that and then I get hurt more.

I began to pray months ago for God to change our hearts so we can live the life he has planned for us, and I believe he is answering my prayers because the guilt has increased for us both. It is so difficult to break free Isa, but I know that with God all things are possible and we just can’t see what our lives are going to be like on the other side of this mess we’ve made. That’s where the trust comes in. We are to trust God with our lives. I am not free yet, but I believe in my Lord and he will deliver me from this and someday I will wonder what took me so long. I want a happy ending. Taylor

If you were to know my full background you would never ever doubt your God. That’s why I am appreciating the work that you guys are doing because young couples like us need all the guidance there is to walk on the right path and to listen to God… Thank you once again. God Bless.

I got a chance to talk on radio on partner violence two months ago and gave listeners my email and telephone number. I receive hundreds of messages on email daily and my phone has not stopped ringing.

In my talk, I defined partner violence and addressed the reasons why BOTH men and women choose to remain in abusive relationships. The fact that I objectively addressed forms of violence perpetrated by wives against their husbands and vice versa drew the attention of many people who have been living in abusive marriages.

The topic of my Master degree in Gender and Development was “Partner Violence among women who live in abusive marriages”. I was shocked by the findings, which indicated that more men than women in may area of study are victims of vice.

Keep praying for God to do His work you. You do it well. God bless.

The thing about “not feeling” is a defense mechanism. You must understand that right now it is very dangerous for him to feel emotions. If he lets his emotions overwhelm him, he could be hurt or killed in the line of duty. His comrades are depending on him to hold it together. An easy way for our minds to deal with constant stress of potentially dangerous situations is to switch emotion off. My boyfriend told me that while he “knew” in his intellectual mind that he still loved me, he could not “feel” this to be true in his heart. When he returned home from that deployment it did take a little time for readjustment, but you just have to be patient. His feelings of love fully returned in time.

I would suggest taking full advantage of any resources you have at your disposal. FRG (Family Readiness Group) is a great way to get things off of your chest and talk to other women who are married to people in your husband’s unit about common stresses that you all face. It is imperative that you understand that you are not alone in this. As an “Army Girlfriend” I wasn’t awarded FRG privileges the first time around, but now I am a member of this FRG. Being kept “in the loop” is a load off my mind, and can help you, as well. FRG usually plans homecoming parties, so the women of these units really start to get each other excited about the homecoming (planning parties is fun, right?). =)

As for the issues with communication. I know this sounds really weird, but give him a chance to miss you. Yes, yes, I know, you’re thousands of miles away, doesn’t he miss you already? Well… if you’re constantly trying to communicate with him, then maybe not. Let “him” come to “you”. It sounds like you’re playing games, but trust me, when he’s ready to come to you, he will. This doesn’t mean that you should cease all communication with him. Just make sure that the communication that you DO choose to pursue is meaningful. Don’t text or e-mail your complaints to him. He has enough on his plate. It would help to give him one less thing to worry about by reassuring him that you are here faithfully waiting for him and that he has nothing to worry about. I do this, and it seems to help my boyfriend not worry so much about what happens here with me.

I would also suggest to you is to keep a diary (whether it be online or a physical diary). Make it your own. I suggest the site http://www.opendiary.com. Just start an account and go to town venting your frustrations! It’s pretty cathartic and will really help you not to be so stressed out. The site I mentioned above allows other people to read your diary and make helpful suggestions anonymously, which is a nice feature, as well.

And one last thing: Work out! Working out relieves so much tension and stress. You will feel so much better once you’re done, not to mention you’ll be looking quite nice by the time he returns. (4 months is just enough time to get in tip-top shape!)

I have a video blog about how to better deal with deployments–it has little tips and tricks that I use, as well as some generalized complains. =). I update it pretty regularly. http://www.youtube.com/AmiraJericho

I hope this helped you (and anyone else reading). Remember, everything will be fine. Don’t watch the news… and don’t stress out too much!

~Amira

Can God act? Sure He can. However, God doesn’t force Himself on anyone else. His offer of salvation through grace is that, an offer. If it’s not accepted, then you are not saved. Doesn’t mean God can’t save you. It means you won’t accept salvation and God respects your decision.

The same is true with respect to the saving of a marriage. The betrayed spouse can have the greatest faith in God’s ability to act and prevail. Yet God will not force the unfaithful spouse to change, to drop their divorce, to end their affair, etc.

Romans 1:18-32 “The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.”

So apparently, even if something is the will of God and you or anyone has faith God can act, folks can reject God and God will give them up to their own desires. So is the lack of faith some are citing the lack of faith by the betrayed spouse or the lack of faith demonstrated by the unfaithful spouse.

I believe it is a lack of faith. However, to blame the betrayed spouse is to be out of touch with reality. It is the lack of faith demonstrated by the unfaithful spouse that is the problem.

No amount of faith displayed by the betrayed spouse can make up for the faithlessness of the unfaithful spouse. As long as the unfaithful spouse fails to put her faith in God, God’s powers really don’t matter with respect to saving the marriage.

The unfaithful spouse has to allow God to save her marriage. If she doesn’t, God will respect her choice and as we read in Romans, will give her over to her sinful desires to end the marriage.

My observation has been that, for many people, it’s a one sided relationship and so, they pray asking that their desires be answered and when they do not receive an immediate answer, they are a witness that God’s word isn’t true which, in essence, is calling God a liar. I consider that to be a serious sin. As it is written, “it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God without faith.” And, in the book of James we know that a double-minded person can accept nothing from the Lord. Well, I was SO encouraged by your words, Kris, and deeply touched by your faith. -Suzi

The man I started seeing was also about to get married to one of my closest friends. I met him before I met my husband or my friend. He was my boss a long time ago. There was always a lot of chemistry between us and one night we were at a party together and kissed. We both agreed that it was wrong and should never happen again. But it didn’t end and the relationship continued and still continues. We have had a physical relationship as well as emotional.

I have to end it but can’t find the strength to do so. I feel so small an ashamed. I have confided in another friend who has advised me to pray to God for help but I feel that I don’t have the right to ask him for help. I’m not happy with what I have done to my husband or my friend. I have read that no contact is the only way to end things but I can’t imagine never seeing him again and not sure it will work unless I also end my friendship with a wonderful friend. Sorry for rambling. Please help.