Becky

glad to have read this last sentence- seems very wise- you really have to manage the doctors and make your own decisions being as informed as you can, and trusting your own inner voice, as I know you know far better than me

And the irony of it all was my husband was the one who chose divorce, again to prove to me that he was strong, invincible & did not need me anymore.

He died a few weeks after our divorce got finalized.

So sad, the games people carelessly play w/o much introspection & w/o regard to the lives at stake, even if it might be their own.

Thanks for sharing your own journey, Becky. I find solace reading your blog, even if it must be painful to chronicle it. I always read it with a lot of compassion & I try to glean the light that you are trying to bring forth thru your stories.

With much affection.
-Angie

Very well stated and I agree with it all. It is better to be visible in our weakness and vulnerability and accept the support and love of others.

“So let me be weak, if it comes to that. But let me live life with meaningful connections.” Amen to that!!!

Love to you-
Becky

You talk about people not comfortable about showing their pain & vulnerability. And I agree. But it can be such a travesty, can it not, to pretend that we can work thru it all, that we are strong and invincible and that we don’t need anyone else but ourselves, to work thru a lot of emotional pain.

Probably it is the programming that happens as we journey thru life. The messages we get from our parents, our family, from the media, from school, from our friends, etc., that make us that way. They drill into our heads that it is not okay to show vulnerability or any signs of weakness; and that somehow, if we do, than we are less than perfect human beings.

And who wants to be singled out as less normal, as a substandard member of the human race?
And so we cower in fear, hide our insecurities because we want to be “normal,” to be part of the mainstream that we all aspire to belong to.

God forbid that we are ever singled out, isolated from the herd~!

Yet this fear of standing out, in isolation, actually leads to isolation. Does it not? It is such a paradox of our human existence, a self-made emotional prison where we languish & eventually die, only to be grieved and then exalted by the people who encouraged that behavior.

I have come to realize that this strength is not one that I want to glorify anymore. If it is a weakness to show my weakness, and people label me so, then I’ll let it be. I’d rather tell my story and expose myself to the world and enjoy the warmth and company of other less-than perfect mortals. I want the connections, even if I become “weak” in the process. I don’t want to be so strong such that I suffer the agony in silence, alone. I don’t care to bring my dignity with me, if I must recoil at a solitary death.

So let me be weak, if it comes to that. But let me live life with meaningful connections.

Last year, my husband died a lonely death shortly after our divorce. He was strong, he was invincible, he did not need anyone. He died alone, with no one to even hold his hand, to tell him how much he was really loved, despite his imperfections.

I, the living, the one left behind, still suffer at how a wrong choice at perfection led to his painful solitary death.

Who wants strength, who wants perfection at that price?

With much affection,
-Angie (twitter.com/angels510)