It is scary to examine why you like something and if it is a healthy thing if there are horrors in the past that contributed to the development of say, humiliation related fantasies.
If genuine trauma related reasons are made conscious I can see that leading to massive self attack in an individual around what their intentions were and what this means about them as a person.
Perhaps the BDSM-activist is scared that they will be shamed rather than understood by themselves and others if they dig deeper. If I were not scared of shame, or worse ’something just being terribly wrong with me’ I would be curious to dig deeper into any likely sounding train of thought that might explain me to myself.
I might be wrong, but perhaps the fear is both ‘my sexuality will not be legitimate’ and also ‘what if I never wanted humiliation (psychological&physical) to be part of how I developed sexually and interact with others.’

The conversation usually starts with ‘that’s their job’, but ends up boiling down to ‘I’d be terrified of being rejected’. If guys actually had a realistic sense of how many/which girls were actually into them, then they’d probably have a lot fewer issues with confidence/over-compensation.

Great article as always!

I think you are right, there is a gray area in consent. I know this from my personal relationships as well. In one relationship I had with a very submissive woman, she allowed me to push her limits quite a bit. I had to be very careful, as I don’t think there was really anything she would not allow me to do, and it was often not until after the scene that I would be aware of how far we were pushing things. These were mainly psychological aspects of the scene, but still can be damaging.

That is pretty scary. Thankfully, I’m not insane, and was conscientious of her safety and had to constantly pull myself back as she would never use her safe word. If I felt she was falling too hard into a role I would gradually lighten then end the scene. I often had her in tears, which was something she liked, even though it was a bit upsetting for me, as I didn’t want to cause her “real” harm.

In one way I think she needed me to make safe boundaries for her, and I know after we broke up she did some things that were definitely unsafe for her in other relationships. And, while it is definitely the Top’s responsibility to make sure the bottom is safe during play, I think it is also important, and the bottom’s responsibility to let the Top know when things are going to far, and to know their limits and use their safe word when they need to. But it is a fine line, as many bottoms in sub-space can’t sometimes tell if/when they are crossing those boundaries.

Interesting points you brought up. Thanks for sharing your review.

Loving your posts here

As far as your assertion that relationships as a whole are not broken, I still disagree. I believe that you have seen monogamy and polyamory work but I am not talking about the outliers, or even those that are just “working.”

My view is that without being totally intentional and digging into out patterns and unconscious psychological reasons why we are in the relationships we are in, we won’t have fulfilling relationships. They might still “work” however.

I don’t think that in the case of our broken models that the sexual aspect has much to do with it. We are hurt by not allowing ourselves to truly communicate with ourselves or one and other, and the expectation that the relationship is going to fix us.

I think that you are right that poly can add an even more difficult element on top of that!

I have eight years experience with the same woman, and an open, poly relationship, as reference to knowing what I am saying.

I don’t think that being sex positive means that you _should_ be having a lot of sex; it’s not a justification for making bad descisions. Of course, there’s no reason not to be having a lot of sex, but being pro sex (and trying to prove it) shouldn’t be the motivation.

As a mid-forties dad who’s passively poly (wife is very poly, I’m more “open relationship”-ish), I disagree with that. I’ve seen monogamy work. I’ve always believed that the issue is that, at least in our culture, we have no Role Models of anything other than the traditional monogamous relationship.

Monogamy is “easy” because both partners walk into it having been taught both the stated and unstated rules. When they aren’t taught by their parents, they are taught by popluar culture (the Huxtables, the Cleavers, and any other tv family).

What we don’t have is a cross culture common understanding of what being poly, or open, or any other non-standard model means in the way of the relationship rules. It’s hard to verbalize everything, and to find agreements.

I’m also going to comment on this:

“But for me, the biggest intrigue about non-monogamy is that it can eliminate cheating.”

Being non-monogamous doesn’t elimate cheating. It makes it possible to sleep with / have relationships with other people without having to lie or destroy your primary relationship, though. Even in an open relationship, many people find it easier to simply do what they want to do and then lie about it. The price of that freedom is a hell of a lot of work.

Anyway, interesting essay, I just thought I’d drop my thoughts on it because the fact that poly has no role models has gone through my head for years now. In fact, my college age daughter (who’s known that we’re poly for years) has tried poly, and had it blow up. On the other hand, she seems to have a much better grasp on the communications, honesty, and work required to have a healthy relationship, even if she ignores that knowledge from time to time.