Thank you so much for your reply. Sorry to hear about your friend, hope you feel stronger with every day that your friend is in heaven xxx

I appreciate your response so much as I suppose I am still blaming myself, feeling like I deserved the way he treated me and when I saw this thread I thought “Oh no! Was that me? Maybe he was right to avoid me!”

But now I see emotionally as well as
intellectually that I was not the same as the horrid woman who hurt dpsling. That I am as loving as I ever was and I did not deserve his contempt, it was indeed a blessing that he walked away! Thank you!

I just watched the Dr Charisse Nixon Phd clip on Learned Helplessness over on Youtube. I recognise myself in that. Though it has been a year, his behaviour has caused me to shut down from the world almost altogether. I was already recovering from female RA/being bullied at work while he and I were together and was slowly trying to build up trust in others, especially other women.
Since then I have become almost agoraphobic and have sabotaged myself socially and professionally. My entire outlook has changed and I now recognise this as a form of learned helplessness. I can relate to people superficially but any more than that and I withdraw. I was supposed to work on setting up a business last winter and was attending a local womens organisation who help with planning and funding. One day I just didnt go back and now I realise it was because I was getting close to them all – I was feeling vulnerable. Same with not attending tutorials (I study via distance learning)
it’s like something has snapped inside me and I’ve stopped trying to go out there and engage with the world, even though I was always very sociable and am very well liked by others – much moreso than him lol! I have lots of women wanting to be my friend and quite a few men have approached me over the last year but I am so afraid.
What he did was RA, it was the silent treatment, sending me to coventry. I see that now, that men can do it too.
I am going to have a look on amazon to see if there are any books on overcoming learned helplessness.
Thank you for your reassurance that I had a moment of anger, that I am not like dpsling’s aggressor and that I did not deserve my ex’s treatment of me!
With love and light to you, dpsling and your friend in heaven xxxxxxxxx

How long a violation occurs is, also, irrelevant as to how wrong it is. And that one person may handle that better than another doesn’t absolve the attacker of anything. Perhaps those seconds didn’t change your life in a negative way forever, but for another it might have.

I’m glad you were able to remain more centered and empowered in your life, truly. But I know there are others who with one wrong slip of the hand can walk away with a devastating sense of shame and guilt that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

I, quite frankly, don’t care what society has to say about how we should feel, except to the extent that it determines what kind of care and support will be offered those who need it. I do, however, care very much about how a victim may fee, because that is how precious each and every one of us is.

Demian,
~DreamSinger

As you can see it’s been a while since I posted here. Life happens, and most of my time has been taken up this year caring for a dear, dear friend, who finally passed away this past June. I am being gentle on myself while I grieve this loss, before I jump back into maintaining this site again.

I want to welcome you Gaia. I hope to have this blog active again soon.

I did want to say that in dpsling’s case, it wasn’t just someone losing their temper and hanging up on them. People can act badly in heated moments, and communication is for healing those mistakes and understanding.

I do believe there were signs, but nothing prepared dpsling for the direct attack, for which her attacker had never taken responsibility.

So it was the combination of other inappropriate behavior and the absolute refusal to address the hurt she had caused, or any hurt, that dpsling chose to distance herself from this person.

People are allowed to make mistakes. They are not entitled to blow them off at another person’s expense.

It sounds like, in your case, as painful as it may be, if he was as unfeeling as you say he was toward your feelings and what you were experiencing, his choice to not have anything to do with you might have been a blessing in disguise.

I’ve been in similar situations, and always regretted trying to reconnect with someone who I would have been better off leaving alone!

Demian,
~DreamSinger