Common Themes

2012-12-17T11:17:00.001-05:00

December 17, 2012

Morning Joe:

This was a really emotional weekend. I went through every stage of grief in 48 hours so I was an emotional mess by the time I picked my kids up on Sunday. The tragedy in Newtown CT, made me look at them differently, made me talk to them differently and made me love them with a ferocity I don’t often express.

I want to take this second to offer something to all the parents out there. If you are trying to make sense of the atrocity, then imagine what your 7 year old is going through, or your 11 year old for that matter. Hug them more. Not just for today but for every day. Explain to them that they are safe and loved no matter what. Make certain they know that you are there for them, regardless of circumstance.

This morning when my 11 year old walked out of the door I hugged her so hard she said she could not breathe. Dropping my 7 year old off at the school was a lingering event. I stayed and watched her class safely inside. Then asked myself how safe is inside?

We moved to our town because we desired a safe diverse community familiar with the uniqueness of our family. This town is a place you can leave your doors open, leave the windows rolled down in your car, and allow your kids outside to play. But then again so was Newtown.

The senselessness of this tragedy comes coupled with the fact that there is no closure. The young gunman was able to take his life making his death on his terms. I pray to God every day that this is something I never have to experience.

But what I wish to address is the debate over legal AND illegal guns, and the hesitation of the Federal government to definitively provide concrete leadership, guidance and resolve to this ongoing issue. Barak Obama has addressed the country 4 times so far during his presidency regarding gun tragedies taking the lives of Americans in mass. The real discussions here are three fold. First, there is the need for concrete discussion and focused solution to the issue of gun control. Secondly is need for parents to cease living in denial about the possibility if their child suffering a true organic mental illness, and thirdly for the mental health community to be involved, in school and community outreach.

First, I believe a true part of Barak Obama’s domestic involvement in his second term is to take on the conservative agenda of The NRA and lobbyist. Yes, I know what the second amendment of the constitution of the United States says. However, I am not sure that needs to translate to the availability of 15 shot clips and automatic weapons.

“A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” I agree whole heartedly, within reason of course. How many people, besides military and police need an M16 as part of their home arsenal? Do you really think when this was authored the very concept of a handgun and the ability for it to fire 15 shots in rapid succession to bring down a squirrel for dinner?

Let’s face it. This is not about preservation of one’s constitutional rights. Just because gun makers can make them legally, doesn’t mean it is prudent to possess.

I hope we the people, in order to form a more perfect union……. Contact our President, and congressional members never letting them forget or again sweep under the rug the need for clear definitive, leadership and decisive resolution to the issue at hand.

Morning Joe

2012-11-26T10:57:00.001-05:00

11/26/12

Morning Joe:

A year or so ago I woke up in the most unbelievable pain. My legs were heavy and on fire, my back tight and strained. This was something I have never felt before. Based on the intensity of the pain, literally a pain in the ass, I asked my then partner to drive me to the hospital. We procured a babysitter and off we went. My legs were so heavy I could barely move them. It was difficult to get down the steps and to the car. After a short painful drive where every pothole of Jersey streets caused searing pain, we arrived at St. Barnabas Hospital in Livingston. Seeing my struggle hospital personnel put me on a stretcher and wheeled me to the acute emergency area. The doctor, a grey haired man of about 50, came over and immediately ordered pain medicine. Nurses drew blood administering blood tests and inserted a heplock before the grey haired man prescribed IV injections of Dilaudid. The nurse inserted the needle and I was out instantly, the pain stopped. I dozed off and on for a few minutes in a haze when the doctor returned saying he wanted to do an ultra sound on my legs. I have a history of chronic blood clots but had been on a subcutaneous blood thinner I personally administered twice a day so I was certain clots weren’t the answer. However I agreed and had the tests performed.

The test which I have had done many times was quick and painless. The technician was a young lady from our town who I had seen many times and she had often tested me before. I watched her, as she administered the test scanning both legs. When she got to my right leg her eyes glazed over and her face turned ashen. At the end of the test she said “feel better” and smiled how she hoped to see me coaching the kids on the softball field come spring. We proceeded back to emergency and were ushered to a private room. The doctor came in almost immediately and said I had blood clots in my left leg from my ankle to about my knee and my right leg was clotted from ankle to pelvis. I was rushed to ICU where I stayed for 5 days. Apparently, I wasn’t expected to leave.

A series of family members visited over the next 5 days as I lay virtually immobile. I received heavy doses of blood thinners and saline, a private nurse in isolation, and a grim prognosis. After 5 days and much to the surprise of the doctors in ICU I had regained enough strength and the level of blood thinner was high enough in my blood that they decided they could move me to a regular ward. Question became now, which one. They had no idea what caused the clotting, the localization of, or why the IV thinner I had been on wasn’t working, even though there were significant amounts in my system. First the cardiac ward where a nuclear stress test showed my heart beat strong. Secondly renal ward where blood and urine testing showed my kidney function was perfect. Thirdly, hemo-oncology, but even there all testing showed no sign of cancer or anything else that would cause the clotting or even more importantly why I had developed a resistance to the blood thinner. All my high priced medical muscle were stumped. I retained amazing amounts of fluid, almost 90 pounds worth at the height of the hospitalization. Finally in the 4^th week of hospitalization they put me on what I like to call a “damned if I know ward.” The traditional blood thinner wasn’t working, so they went to a recently approved blood thinner because the only thing they were sure of is I had developed some sort of resistance to the traditional thinner and they needed to try something to melt the intense amount of clot. I couldn’t walk for 4 weeks. They put me on a recently approved FDA thinner. I can only explain this like draino for your blood. Each dose delivered intravenously had to be mixed individually at a cost of $3000.00 dollars per dosage 4 times a day. The medication although it worked, burned from the time it was injected into the heplock until it was discontinued. The pain in my legs so severe that for 4 weeks I was give, oxycotin twice a day, IV Dilaudid twice a day, and oxycodone every 4 hours. I was a zombie. All I could think about when I was lucid was my daughters. The first couple weeks they didn’t come see me. I would not have wanted them to see me like that.

After the four weeks I was moved to a rehab center, given a wheelchair and was wrapped in ace bandages from my toes to my groin in an attempt to contain the swelling. I still had 70 pounds of fluid in my lower extremities and the most painful part is no one knew why. I arrived by ambulance late at night and was in such an emotional state from the drugs that the next morning when I met with the physical therapist I almost cried. Thankfully she was a woman who had become a friend and both our daughters attended preschool and kindergarten together. She was surprised and sympathetic and pushed the hell out of me. My eldest swears even now I wear a big “S” on my chest. They pushed me 4 hours a day in PT and two weeks later, albeit slowly I walked out of rehab. I was still wrapped and went through an extended period of physical therapy and am still not quite myself. For the past 6 months I have worked with a pulmonologist and respiratory therapist in an effort to increase my lung function. The decrease is a side effect of lying in the bed with 70 pounds of fluid on your body. Within that period of time there have been many changes. My partner and I have separated. I live alone for the first time in 23 years, well almost alone. I got the dog in the divorce. I am getting used to sharing time with my kids, and believe me it has been an adjustment for them also. I have changed the way I eat, think and live basically. More importantly, I carry no stress or anxiety. I am happier than I have been in quite a long time. I can only explain it as coming out of a fog that had settled in my brain.

I got a call from my pulmonologist office this morning in regard to some tests I had performed. My lung function is 99%. My O2 has been consistently 100%. I had to learn to breathe again and exercise my lungs much in the same way one would exercise their muscles. Actually that is what the lungs are right? The respiratory therapist I worked with literally not only taught me to breathe again but help me change my thinking about how to breathe. Being hypoxic can make you scared to try. I was given the authorization to do something I have not done in any significant amount since my hospitalization….. Work out. I walked my youngest daughter to school this morning and then headed to the park where I walked slowly and worked out some with some local parents who gather each morning. I was surprised at my stamina and actually quite proud of my accomplishment.

All this wasn’t written for the reason you might think. When I talked to Dr. Greene, he actually expressed surprise that after examining all my tests results, they resembled that of a relatively healthy 30 year old. He admitted that he was sure since this hospitalization and its severity, that there would have been some residual scarring or long term effect. Well there was. I have come to embrace something that has always been part of me but it seemed I had forgotten, my faith. I never had to wear my faith on my sleeve, because I know in my heart that my ancestors who have gone to meet my Creator, were looking over me. I know that the Southern Christian Baptist influence I received has sustained me all my life. GOD, recognizing the hard headed child he created, decided to give me a time out in the form of this illness, so that I would take the time to do what we want our children to do when we give them a time out . Think. I have been given the opportunity to start over. Giving lots of thought to the position I found myself, I have come to recognize the catalyst for what occurred was stress. Intense stress and the internalization of toxicity in the form of relationships and people. All that has been alleviated, and so has the haze, medically induced or otherwise. The lesson learned for me is this. God teaches by placing things in your path. None of what he places is too big for us to overcome, but the obstacles exist for a reason. The lesson God was trying to teach me was that I needed to look around. I needed to examine the persons, places and things that surrounded me and minimize my exposure to toxicity. These things caused me intense stress that even if my thoughts could not recognize, my body surely felt. Things are changing rapidly. I am happier, stronger and for the first time in quite a long time my obligation in life is to nothing but myself and my girls. The feeling of physical freedom is sometimes lost. However it is the loss of mental freedom and enrichment that stagnates us. If you heed the lessons as they are taught the reacquiring of those freedoms, whether physical or mental, can and has brought what for so long I personally have not felt.........PEACE!

Morning Joe.

2012-10-25T09:54:00.000-04:00

Morning Joe: The morning is one of my favorite times. It is the time when there is little stress for the three of us and we exist in harmony. That is except for the complaints of a pubescent preteen and an antagonizing 7 year old. But my reason for it being my favorite is I get to spend some individual time with both girls. The eldest gets up first so she and I will enjoy some morning quiet time over a cup of cocoa or warmed spiced cider. Of course when my youngest gets up that concept of peace and serenity is shot to hell and we start our day. This morning, like no other my youngest and I dropped off the eldest to school. After, we headed over to the elementary my school, so she could begin her day. In route we passed a bank that has a row of fire red bushes outside alining it's property. When I was a kid we had one of the same bushes in our yard. So, I go through the explanation my parents gave me for the name. "Well honey it is called a burning bush," where I then proceeded to explain the biblical implications of the name. She sat in the back of the car and listened with an intensity that gave me the indication my words of sage wisdom fell upon listening ears. After I finished I awaited my resounding applause. My cherub looks at me with a very intense gaze and refuted my claim by simply saying, "Mom the bushes are red because of the absence of chlorophyll in the fall. We learned that last year." I couldn’t help but laugh and thank God once again first for her intellect, and secondly for it being fostered by the South Orange Maplewood School district’s curriculum promoting math and science. I will however say it saddened me a bit. Between that and her no longer believing in the Easter bunny, can disillusion of Santa be far behind?............ BUMMED!

The Legacy of a President!

2011-08-01T23:48:00.001-04:00

It's been easy to get caught up in the drama involving the raising of the debit limit. The theatrics played out by the Republicans, the Democrats, and whether we like it or not, the influential Tea Party has kept us on the edge of our seats for weeks now. I took a break from the news coverage this weekend and let the political parties fight it out without me screaming at the television every time the President's or House Speaker's face appeared.

I reflected back to the Reagan years and how he invoked his 14^th amendment rights, raising the debit limit some 17 times in his 8 year reign, and wondered on numerous occasions why Obama hadn't taken the same executive swipe of the pen and stopped all the infighting, back biting and power hungry political personal agendas in drafting a bill. Then it hit me! Barak Obama ran on a platform of change. His campaign was designed to and promised that a vote for him would give government back to the people. President Obama ran on a platform of bi-partisanship, compromise and inclusion. The position he took in the negotiations reflected just that.

Instead of one man taking control, the control was returned to the representatives of the people, as well it should be. If we are upset at the outcome of the bill then we should be looking to our representatives for answers. The Republican and Democratic parties were forced to negotiate a bill that was reflective of compromise. I listened tot he news reports of who won here and who lost here. Some say the Democrats took it on the chin, some say the Republicans got more concessions or the Tea party influence was pivotal in drafting and ultimately the signing of this monumental bill. But who really won here? We all did. The people we elected and sent to Washington were forced to do their jobs. They were forced to compromise and, include the will of the people in negotiations.

Now I want to be real here. The commission to be convened in November, as outlined in the bill before the President, shall be charged with identifying another 1.5 trillion in cuts. If they fail to find that, an automatic cutting process will take place on discretionary funding. We all know that means programs for the poor and things like Medicare and Defense spending. But, it must be acknowledged that this won't be possible by any means without the dreaded tax increases. The tax increases that the Republican Party overwhelmingly, resoundingly refused to concede on in this round of negotiations. When the House speaker and the Republican party goes home after a hard fought battle they should understand like the rest of us do, to pay down debit we need an increase in revenue. Revenue increases come from a new and fresh influx of cash. In government that results in, yes you guessed it, tax increases. The balanced budget amendment cannot occur without increased revenue.

I acknowledge it will be difficult negotiations come November, and I cannot imagine any of the Republican negotiators cutting Medicare, Social Security, or Medicaid for that fact, 30 days before Christmas, with next year being an election year. Hmmm, so what could that mean. Wait I know let's re-institute the tax on the wealthiest Americans making more than 400,000 a year, or let's rescind 10 year property tax credit on million dollar apartments given by some developers as an influx of cash or this one is even more popular, let's stop funding medicaid and develop a universal health plan ….. wait where have I heard that before?

Santa Claus is a Black man!

2011-07-25T17:25:00.002-04:00

Sunday is my favorite day of the week. It is the day when I pour over the papers and watch all the editorial programming, where learned Americans, pontificate their seemingly knowledgeable opinions on the pressing political issues facing our country. The one looming issue this week, of course is the debit ceiling. Or is it!

Since Barak Obama took office his every action has been up for scrutiny. His decisions have been openly challenged by his adversaries in the military, as well as congress. Let us not forget the Senator from South Carolina who felt it his unalienable right to shout "liar" during the President's address to congress. How about the General who decided he would openly criticize the Commander and Chief's decisions regarding military deployment. Let's recently remember House Speaker John Boehner walking out of negotiations on Saturday, obviously because he isn't concerned about his Social Security benefits being paid on time. Or lest not forget the birth certificate debate, as if sometime during his campaign for the highest office in this land Obama did not have to show his birth certificate to someone!

But, even through all of that some of us have deluded ourselves into believing race relations in the country are getting better. Some even offer that Barak Obama has bought a level of respect to the African American community, and has forced whites to take us more seriously. I say that people go out of their way to ensure they watch what they say in open, but behind closed doors what is said may be a totally different thing.

So there I sit Sunday morning, second cup of steaming hazelnut coffee in hand, settled in to watch the Mclaughlin Group on CBS. One of the group participants, Mort Zuckerman, himself a writer for Newsweek responded to this statement offered by the group moderator John Mclaughlin, "The congressional democratic committee is running an ad featuring Ronald Regan as prototypical of what (Barak) Obama is doing. Do you think that is legitimate?" Of course we should remember that Regan, with the cooperation of a Democratic House as well as Senate, raised the debit ceiling 17 times during his 8 years in office and the reference was regarding the current debit ceiling debate as it rages uncontrolled in Washington. Zuckerman almost jumped out of his seat to offer the following, "Sure! Anything that would work, to any party is going to be legitimate. But let me read something to you, and you tell me who said it," he continues reading a quote, "The fact that we are here to debate raising America's debit limit is a sign of leadership failure. Leadership means that the black.... the buck stops here!" Quickly recovering from his obvious Freudian slip the discussion goes on the reveal the orator of the above statement, all except the black inclusion, was none other than Barak Obama in 2006.

I rewound the footage maybe 5 times to be sure what I heard was correct. Does his blackness still resonate in everyones thoughts? Is his Presidency being polarized the way it has in the past because of bad decision making, or because he is a black man? Or as an amazingly funny lady said "What are they now afraid of ...... since a black man is in power the bills won't get paid?"

The romance period is over people! The long battle with the speaker of the house and the Republicans regarding raising the debit ceiling is just another, albeit more publicized unnecessary fight in Washington. This isn't about a 4 trillion dollar spending reduction, or tax relief for the wealthiest Americans. This isn't about, a 6 month raise of the debit ceiling, as proposed by the Republicans or the 15 month raise asked for by the White House. This is about John Coltrane playing in the oval office and Common being invited to perform. It's about having to openly accept a black man sleeping where George Washington slept. It is about watching his public display of affection for his wife and expressing his delight in the fact she thinks he is still cute, which has been seemingly taboo in the past. It's about the President being a black man and desire to still show control over the actions of blacks as a populous. There, I said it. Let's stop pretending that racism and cultural control still does not run rampant in this country and relize this ....... Barak Obama was the best candidate for the job. He is doing a decent job as President of this country. But regardless of how the media has surpressed anything relating to his ethnicity he is still overwhelmingly thought of as the first Black President and less as the 44th President of these United States.

With that being said, I am having an overwhelming desire for some barbeque and collard greens!

Marriage season is upon us!

2011-07-22T11:48:00.000-04:00

June 24th 2011 was not only our eldest daughters birthday, but it was the day that NY senate voted 33-29 to pass the marriage equality act. This has been a long time in coming but I also think many only look at the legal victory and not what is actually involved in a "marriage".

I have had many couples, primarily lesbian, express a desire to legalize their 3 month old union by applying for a marriage license. I applaud the desire to legalize their commitment, but it must be understood not only the legal ramifications but the important social as well as socioeconomic issues that arise from marriage, regardless of whether hetero or homosexual participants are involved.

Now, the step forward is monumental indeed. Marriage, or the legal ability to do so, does not validate your love. Keep in mind it is a legal contract that two people engage. In August of 2001, my family participated in a round table discussion regarding family and marriage as a part of a Black Pride Celebration. Involved, were very spirited young men from the Human Rights Campaign Fund as well as GMAD who through their dilligence and continued perserverance have paved the way for the legal victory we share today. I can honestly say, I didn't believe the legalization of same sex marriage would come to fruition within my lifetime. But now that it has, ask yourself actually what does it mean?

Fortunately, you have me hear to lay it all out for you. First off there are those who want to enlist traditional heterosexual rituals in preparation for marriage. There is the ring, the proposal, the planning, preparation, then finally the ceremony, each playing a very important and specific part to a couple beginning their lives together.

Let's explore those shall we? Begin first with a relatively independent woman of a certain age who has captured your heart in the past 90 days, and your intention is to make her your wife. Well, let me say the bauble that you will be placing on the third finger of her left hand won't be a half carat S class from Zales my friend. She can buy that for herself and is more than likely wearing twice that in each of her ears. Face it some women have been waiting all their lives to find the "one" and dream those dreams they did as little girls except insert one of the same gender for that cute little boy they had a crush on in 2nd grade. So when you buy the ring, come correct. Even if you are clueless Tiffany will always bring out a smile.

Secondly, the proposal. Think for a moment that the legalization of marriage in New York State will, even if not admitted, does bring forth a wealth of emotions regardless whatever one's fantasy of marriage might be. So, how will you formulate those words that in New York State will now allow 50% of anything you accumulate as a married couple to become community property? In Massachusetts a lesbian couple dating for 9 months decided to marry. The couple lived together in a beautiful suburban house they purchased while married for two years. Alas, the love affair over they filed for divorce and are currently fighting in court over a Hermes scarf, and designer handbag collection. These are some serious issues to contemplate before you man up get down on that one knee and ask her to be your wife. I mean who will actually end up with the Prada sneakers and the totally useless 300 dollar belt.

If you have decided to go further then let us address the planning and preparation for your special day. This is where the impact upon the socioeconimic status of the lesbian community becomes more openly involved. I have noticed more advertisements for wedding planners, popping up in the community papers. A smiple wedding can easily cost $20,000.00. When I say simple I mean bare bones at the V.F.W. on DeKalb Avenue. We have to factor in the dress, flowers, transportation and minimally, food. But I wish to address the one item that has given me the most distress when attending lesbian weddings .................. the tux. Going to a men's store and renting an off the rack tux that will not be altered properly to take into your account upperbody female anatomy for any occasion is a no no. Also, wrapping a cumberbun around a 48 inch waist should be seriously reconsidered.

Lastly, the big day arrives. You have weathered all the financial and emotional stress to get you here. You are prepared to take that step to committ to "until death do you part." This is the most important line in any exchange of vows. It has been said that lesbians have a series of long term relationships. As I look around the community I see it true. Understand that the vows, those you wish to scream from the highest mountain having planned so methodically to get you to this point, upon this perfect chosen day, are FOREVER! Make sure she is the one you could not consider ever being without. Make sure she is the one that "through sickness and health" it will always remain "until death do you part," not just a step taken because the state senate has decided to finally honor your constitutional rights. Also, make sure that she would be the one even if you were not granted the legal ability to marry in the state of New York or anywhere else for that matter. If you are not certain about any of the above, make sure you have the number of a good divorce attorney because if same sex marriages even just match the number of divorce filings of hetero couples the lawyers have just been granted an entirely new income stream.

Father's defined.

2010-06-21T07:05:00.000-04:00

In our home, Father's Day isn't usually celebrated for two reasons. First, in my opinion a man who has been blessed with the privilege to procreate is a father everyday and shouldn't need a day to commemorate such. Same with Mother's Day actually. Can anyone as a mother say, I think I'll take Thursday off? NOOOOO! Your that mother everyday no matter how often you want to close your eyes for just a few minutes and be whisked away to the youthful times when your only responsibility was to make it to class on time. Anyway, the second reason is we are a two Mom family. WE are a proud American Lesbian family living in the suburbs with 2 kids and dog. Working like the heterosexual families next door to get our kids a good education, pay our bills and maintain in this difficult economic environment.

So I found it really interesting when my 4 year old came to me last night before bed and took my hand and said, "Happy Father's Day Mei-Mei, thanks for being my Dad." I was so surprised by her exuberant sentiment that after putting her and her sister to bed, both who coincidentally have begun sleeping in our room, I took some time to sit and think about what all that really meant. She knows that a father is a title designated for a man. She is well aware that I am a woman, albeit more masculine in appearance than some. So what did she mean? It is not my intention to suggest that we can create a Sapphic existence, but it is my intention to suggest that we can and do as lesbian parents find ourselves placed in traditionally heterosexual roles when parenting.

I cook for my kids, drive them to school, attend softball and capoiera practice, drop off for play dates and often are charged with soothing the bruised knee, or ego for that matter. When it thunders I am charged with cuddling until sleep comes and it is my responsibility to check for all things monster under the bed. Each of us find roles in our kids lives and sometimes "traditional" responsibilities become blurred when we define our place and role in the nurturing of our kids. But no matter who you are, butch or femme, mom, mommy or in my case Mei-Mei. We all need community with a broad spectrum of inclusion. When it comes to our children globally we share a common thread.