Communication Skills PPT Communication Videos Communication Skills Articles

Body Language: Gestures & their Meaning

2012-02-10T05:55:00.000-08:00

Gesture: Brisk, erect walk
Meaning: Confidence

Gesture: Standing with hands on hips
Meaning: Readiness, aggression

Gesture: Sitting with legs crossed, foot kicking slightly
Meaning: Boredom

Gesture: Sitting, legs apart
Meaning: Open, relaxed

Gesture: Arms crossed on chest
Meaning: Defensiveness

Gesture: Walking with hands in pockets, shoulders hunched
Meaning: Dejection

Gesture: Hand to cheek
Meaning: Evaluation, thinking

Gesture: Touching, slightly rubbing nose
Meaning: Rejection, doubt, lying

Gesture: Rubbing the eye
Meaning: Doubt, disbelief

Gesture: Hands clasped behind back
Meaning: Anger, frustration, apprehension

Gesture: Locked ankles
Meaning: Apprehension

Gesture: Head resting in hand, eyes downcast
Meaning: Boredom

Gesture: Rubbing hands
Meaning: Anticipation

Gesture: Sitting with hands clasped behind head, legs crossed
Meaning: Confidence, superiority

Gesture: Open palm
Meaning: Sincerity, openness, innocence

esture: Pinching bridge of nose, eyes closed
Meaning: Negative evaluation

Gesture: Tapping or drumming fingers
Meaning: Impatience

Gesture: Steepling fingers
Meaning: Authoritative

Gesture: Patting/fondling hair
Meaning: Lack of self-confidence; insecurity

Gesture: Quickly tilted head
Meaning: Interest

Gesture: Stroking chin
Meaning: Trying to make a decision

Gesture: Looking down, face turned away
Meaning: Disbelief

Gesture: Biting nails
Meaning: Insecurity, nervousness

Gesture: Pulling or tugging at ear
Meaning: Indecision

Gesture: Prolonged tilted head
Meaning: Boredom

Communication and Interpersonal Skills

2011-12-12T03:03:00.000-08:00

Further to building Self Esteem and Assertiveness to boost your Self Confidence, you also need to be equipped with competencies and skills to develop communication strategies to pursue short and long term goals. It is important to understand the impact your communication skills have on other people and how improving these skills can make it easier for you to get along in different walks of life.

Confidence in your ability to express yourself well and keep your composure in difficult situations can be a crucial asset. If you are frequently anxious about making mistakes, or looking foolish, you limit your own strength to succeed.

Do you brim with self-confidence or do you fear appearing incompetent in front of friends and seniors?

Have you ever wondered why it seems so difficult to talk with some people and so easy to talk with others?

Can you recall an occasion where you met someone for the first time and immediately liked that person?

Something about the individual made you feel comfortable. Enhancing your communication and interpersonal skills will need you to:

Identify common communication problems that may be holding you back
Develop skills in asking questions that give you information you need
Learn what your non-verbal messages are telling others
Develop skills in listening actively and empathetically to others
Enhance your ability to handle difficult situations
Deal with situations assertively

According to research done by Prof. Shirley Winslow of the University of Alberta, humans have four fears. These are:

Fear of failure
Fear of humiliation or embarrassment
Fear of losing power
Fear of rejection

Usually one of these fears is the strongest. This is the one that influences your behavior most often, the one that quite likely shows up when you communicate and so you need to try and overcome it. It is in you to decide whether you would like to use self-defeating words or uplifting words and lend a positive attitude to those around you, as success is a poor teacher and it is realization of failure that enables us to learn.
There is need for today’s scholar to develop relationships by effective communication for which there is need to:

Speak to people: there is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting
Smile at people: it takes 72 muscles to frown, only 14 to smile
Call people by name: the sweetest music to anyone’s ears is the sound of their own name
Be friendly and helpful: to make a friend, you have to be a friend
Be cordial: speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure
Be genuinely interested in people: you can like almost anybody if you try
Be generous with praise and cautious with criticism
Be considerate with the feelings of others. There are usually three sides to a controversy: yours, the other fellow’s and the right side
Be alert to give service: what counts most in life is what we do for others
Add to this a good sense of humor, a big dose of patience and a dash of humility and you will be rewarded many-fold

You also need very active listening skills to be a good communicator. One reason listening is so important is that we do so much of it every day. According to research, listening occupies about 80 percent of our waking hours. Studies confirm that good listeners make good managers. Members of the Academy of Certified Administrative Managers selected active listening as the most crucial management skill.
The problem is that listening and hearing is not the same thing. Most of us were fortunate to be born with hearing, but listening is a skill that must be learned, practiced and perfected before it can be used successfully.

Listen Actively
Listen with interest
Get rid of thinking, feeling and assuming
Listen for what isn’t said, the non-verbal cues

Listening is hard work. When other people are listening to us, they have the same difficulties we do. Always be clear to the what’s in it for me?

More Body Language: gestures and their common meanings

2011-07-04T06:03:00.001-07:00

Head nod – I understand
Rolling eyes – I do not believe you
Rubbing something – suspicion or rejection
Stroking the chin – evaluating, I am thinking of what you said
Clearing throat – nervous
Pushing forward – serious
Hands open and palms up – helplessness
One hand above head – emphasize point
Both hands clasped above head – triumph
Hand in front of mouth – telling half a story or embarrassment
Sitting back – I’ve got you now, confidence
Wagging a finger – you are wrong
Pointing at someone – aggressive
Sitting on fingers – confidence
Hands clasped behind back – I am in charge
Chewing pencil – nervous or uncertain
Crossed arms over chest - resistance, I do not agree
Deep sigh – bored
Be careful of mixed signals. Nonverbal is more believable than words.

Tips for Body Language - Non Verbal Communication

2011-05-31T10:37:00.001-07:00

NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

Our Non-Verbal Communication generates many signals and ‘sends’ them to the other party. Every internal thought that we have is transferred externally through our non-verbal communication and behaviour.

When we speak we can say anything we want to. We can tell the truth, lie, be vague, be forthright. Our body language, on the other hand, does not lie. There are hundreds of messages that our body gives away and the meaning of them taken by the audience in most cases takes priority over what we say.

When negotiating, we must be aware of our body language and voice tone and how we should use it and control it. We should also be observant and understand what the customer’s body language is telling us (refer to calibration). When we are negotiating and communicating, we should be aware of the signs that are being shown by the other party, for example, agreement, uncertainty, indecision etc. This is also important when we receive questions and/or objections; for example, if the objection is valid it is unlikely that deceit will be shown.

THE MEANING OF OUR COMMUNICATION TO OTHERS

VOICE - 38%

WORDS - 7%

PHYSIOLOGY - 55%

The table above clearly illustrates how our voice tone and body language shows itself when compared with verbal communication.

It’s not so much what we say, it’s more how we say it and the image we create while saying it. Of course, what we say must be accurate and true, however, if our voice sounds hesitant and our movement and physiology suggest that we are unsure or nervous, the party will be influenced by the meaning attached to them.

NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION OBSERVING PATTERNS

DECEIT: Mouth covering and nose covering may increase. Fidgeting or shifting on the seat may increase. Eye contact will be poor, probably looking down towards their feet or the floor. Generally there will be little or no animation.

SUGGESTION: This pattern may be common during false complaints, accusations or objections that are not real.

INSECURITY/NERVES: Fidgeting and nail biting increase; ‘self stroking’ and rubbing of the hands increase. Stroking or playing with rings/jewellery on the hand may increase. Clearing the throat, hands covering mouth when speaking and rubbing/tugging at the ear.

SUGGESTION: Do not offer new ideas or untried products to anyone showing these signs. Offer reassurance, guarantees, and peace of mind.

BOREDOM: Finger tapping, fidgeting and looking at watch or clock may increase. If sitting, the person may ‘turn away’, sit towards the edge of the chair and/or hold on to the chair arms or the edge of the table. The eyes will wander and eye contact will be poor.

SUGGESTION: Either bring them back into the conversation by asking an opinion based open question or wind up the conversation and leave.

INDECISION: Shifting on seat or fidgeting may increase. Scratching, rubbing the head or ‘pinching’ the nose may be shown. Looking upwards indicates that they are thinking or reflecting.

SUGGESTION: When presenting new ideas, solutions or offering alternative options, this pattern is normal. Reassurance statements maybe necessary, e.g. guarantees, refunds, etc.

RELAXATION/OPENNESS: Relaxed posture and breathing naturally accompanied with a natural smile. Nodding

of the head and good eye contact. A lack of body stiffness or tightness. Open hands, uncrossed legs and moving towards the edge of the chair if seated.

SUGGESTION: This is a key pattern to look for or work towards. Try and aim for this when solving problems/handling complaints or dealing with objections.

EVALUATION: Sitting forward in the chair, head slightly tilted and supported by one hand with elbow resting on the desk adopting the ‘Thinker’ posture. Head slightly tilted and stroking the chin is also common.

SUGGESTION: This pattern may show when presenting ideas, discussing options. If this pattern is shown but the person is reclined in their chair, it may indicate negative evaluation.

DEFENSIVENESS/DISAGREEMENT: Arms crossed on chest, fists clenched under the arms or hands groping biceps. Legs crossed either one over the other or in a ‘figure four’ position. The body may lean away from you when this pattern occurs.

SUGGESTION: In a sales or negotiation presentation, if we observe this pattern we must try and bring this person into a positive frame. Trading concessions or offering benefits may be difficult when this pattern is shown.

UNCERTAINTY/UNSURE: Closed hands and rubbing thumbs against each other. Sticking pen or pencil in the

mouth to chew/suck. Pinching the fleshy part of the other hand and/or picking cuticles may also be observed.

SUGGESTION: Offer solutions that have no or low risk attached to them. Give assurance; show evidence of success and/or safety.

CO-OPERATION: Sitting forward on edge of chair with good eye contact. Hand supporting head and head slightly tilted indicates that they are listening and showing interest. The unbuttoning of a coat or jacket is also a positive sign.

SUGGESTION: Try and encourage these signs when looking for a commitment or negotiating.

CONFIDENCE: When standing the stance will be erect and ‘proud’. Less hand to face movements when talking and the eyes will blink less. When seated the hands may form a ‘steeple’ shape. The higher this position is shown; for example, up to eye level, may indicate the more confident the other person is feeling. Indicators of personal space and ‘power’ are: Leaning back while sitting with both hands clasped behind the head and legs crossed in a ‘figure four’ position. Leg over the arm of a chair or foot placed on the edge of a desk/drawer.

SUGGESTION: This pattern may indicate that the person is very relaxed and listening to you. It may also indicate that this person feels superior to you and therefore may try and dictate and/or take control.

ACCEPTANCE/AGREEMENT: Nodding the head, good eye contact and warmer facial expressions. Physical

contact, for example, touching our arm or shoulder may increase or be noticed. Moving closer towards us when standing or when seated, pulling the chair closer to the table or us.

SUGGESTION: We should look for this pattern when reaching agreement, closing the deal or requesting concessions.

“The meaning of the communication is the response that you get”

OUR PERSONAL STYLE

Non Verbal Communication BEHAVIOURS TO AVOID

We may be in the habit of using some non-verbal patterns that run the risk of creating a poor impression of us.

Set out below is some common ‘negative’ patterns that we should seek to avoid.

DEFENSIVE

FACE AND HEAD

· Not looking at the other person(s)

· Avoiding eye contact or looking away immediately when eye contact is made

HANDS AND ARMS

· Clenching of fists

· Crossing arms

· Constantly rubbing an eye, nose or ear

BODY

· Leaning or turning away from the other person(s)

· Crossing of legs

· Swivelling feet towards the door when seated

ANXIOUS

FACE AND HEAD

· Blinking eyes frequently

· Licking lips frequently

· Clearing the throat

HANDS AND ARMS

· Opening and closing hands frequently or ‘rubbing’ hands

· Covering mouth with hands while speaking

· Tugging or rubbing an ear

BODY

· Fidgeting when sitting in chair

· ‘Swinging’ feet up and down

· Over use of ‘pacing the floor’

OVERBEARING/AGGRESSIVE/DOMINANT

FACE AND HEAD

· Staring at the other person

· Having a wry “I’ve heard it all before” type smile

· Raising eyebrows in exaggerated way

· Looking over the top of spectacles

· Taut mouth/narrowing of lips

HANDS AND ARMS

· Pointing finger at the other person

· Thumping fist on table

· Rubbing the back of the neck

BODY

· Standing while the other person sits

· Striding/pacing around

Tips for Oral Communication

2011-05-30T04:01:00.000-07:00

Consider carefully the purpose of the communication.
Make sure the choice of communication method is appropriate to the purpose. Don’t send a sms if an email is required or telephone call is required.
Be consistent. Every communication should reinforce your desired image and convey coherent messages. Conflicting messages erode customers’ confidence and lose you business.
Know your audience and make sure your communication is appropriate to their interests/needs/wants.
Consider different perspectives and think about how your communication might be interpreted by those receiving it.
Be clear and concise, avoiding ambiguity.
Think before you speak.
In any conversation, listen at least as much as you speak.
Make sure your body language is saying the same as your words. If there is a discrepancy between the two, people will tend to believe the messages they pick up from your body language rather than your words.

The Hidden Language of Leaders

2011-05-09T19:58:00.001-07:00

The Hidden Language of Leaders
by Natalie Morera | Talent Management

When it comes to business interactions and leading a team, you'd think simple body language - such as eye contact or the crossing of arms - bears little significance, but the truth is these gestures can send a positive or negative message to employees.

There are two sets of signals a person gives off, said Carol Kinsey Goman, author of The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help - or Hurt - How You Lead. The first sets status and authority; the next gives off warmth and empathy.

The air of status and authority is given off by how people carry themselves, Kinsey Goman said. Details, such as a person's height, may make them look more powerful. Leaders can typically convey warmth and empathy by using open hand signals, tilting their heads, nodding and making eye contact.

"There's no good or bad body language signal; it depends on what your message is," Kinsey Goman said. "Is your body language supporting or sabotaging that message?"

Kinsey Goman cited an instance of a presenter who she said had the crowd mesmerized. At the conclusion of his speech, he said, "And now I'm open for questions," then crossed his arms and stared at the crowd. Not one person asked a question.

"No one in that audience said, 'Oh my gosh, he's crossed his arms, therefore I cannot think of a question,'" Kinsey Goman said. However, there must have been complete confusion in the audience's brains.

If the speaker's message was to invite questions, he needed to realize that crossing his arms sabotaged that message; however, he was oblivious to this contradictory movement.

Aileen Pincus, principal and CEO of the Pincus Group, a communications consulting firm, explained that her company is usually asked to help with delivery issues - seldom content issues - even though the two are intertwined.

"For instance, if you're hesitant about something because you're not sure what you're saying is 100 percent accurate or whether you're behind what you're saying 100 percent, it's going to show," Pincus said. There are times when people who come in for training are put in positions where they must deliver information they don't believe or are not confident about.

In order to appear confident, leaders have to believe in what they're saying. "We have to work through those delivery issues," she said.

They also have to take into account one-on-one time with employees. If a difficult message has to be delivered to an employee, such as needing to let them go, it's OK for the leader to show his or her true feelings.

"If it's painful for you to have this conversation, it's fine to show it," Pincus said. "Why do you need to hide that? It'll make you appear more human, more empathetic."

By showing that emotion, leaders won't come across like they're acting.

"We don't want to act our way out of a bad situation," she said. One way to avoid acting is by taking time to prepare and anticipate reactions and questions before delivering a message to employees.

"Executives often misunderstand how much communication is going on nonverbally," Pincus said. This could include tone of voice, eye contact and other body language indicators.

We tend to trust what we see more than what we hear. If the two don't match, communication becomes difficult.

Consider public speaking as a forum of conversations, said Matt Eventoff, partner with Princeton Public Speaking.

"You're conversing whether people are responding to you verbally or not," he said. "Individuals in an audience give you a reaction."

Whether the audience members nod, shake their heads in agreement or disagreement - or even text - it's all a part of the conversation.

When it comes to communication, there's no good or bad, only what's appropriate for the situation.

That said, there are things leaders can do to make sure they're sending a positive message. Kinsey Goman offers the following body language tips for a successful collaboration:

1. Check Your Expectations.
"Pygmalion in the Classroom" was a study where children were chosen at random and identified to their teacher as high-achievers. Because the teacher expected more of them, the students, who were never told of their high-achieving status, had sharp increases on their IQ test scores at the end of the year. The positive expectation was delivered nonverbally and Dov Eden, a Tel Aviv University professor, found that if supervisors or managers hold positive expectations about the performance of the people they lead, that performance will improve.

2. Activate Your Smile Power.
A smile can stimulate one's sense of well-being. It can also tell others how approachable, cooperative and trustworthy a person is.

3. Use Your Head.
Kinsey Goman has found that people will speak more if the listener nods in clusters of three at regular intervals. Tilting your head is also a signal of being involved and interested.

4. Look at People When They Speak.
People will feel like they have your attention as long as you're making eye contact. Avoid checking text messages, glancing at your watch or looking at others' reactions.

5. Use the "Ultimate Connective Gesture."
When making an uplifting statement - for example, "This is a wonderful opportunity" - Kinsey Goman suggests gesturing toward the listener with an upward open palm and bringing the hands back to the body. According to her example, you would start your gesture at the word "wonderful" and bring the gesture in at "opportunity." A nonverbal, positive connection can be made this way.

6. Remove Barriers.
Face people you are speaking with directly. Remove barriers by closing your laptop, turning off a cellphone or putting a briefcase to the side.

[About the Author: Natalie Morera is an associate editor for Talent Management magazine.]

In-House Training Program on Effective Business Communication Skills

2010-10-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

In-House Training Program on

Effective Business Communication Skills

Communicating with Confidence for Commitment and Listening to Understand

Communicating Effectively in Business is perhaps the most basic critical skill for an individual’s successes in the organization as well as personal life. The biggest factors in Communication are Misunderstanding, Miscommunication, Reactions, Perceptions, Generalization, Assumptions and Distortions which can have disastrous consequences in Business and people.

Imagine the cost involved when ideas in organization don’t get across colleagues, superiors and subordinates? Or simply people do not understand the expectations from other individuals and teams?

Effective Communication in Business is not just about speaking well. It is what you speak and how you speak that needs to be worked on. It is also about what you don’t speak, since your Body Language speaks louder than your words.

Well, Effective Business Communication is all about connecting with people, its about understanding and being understood. The strongest influence on the outcome of all communications is the ability to Listen effectively.

Objectives of the Workshop

Ø To Communicate with Confidence and Commitment

Ø To overcome Misunderstanding and Dysfunctional Communication

Ø To overcome Communication Barriers

Ø To Listen and Respond with purpose

Ø To express thoughts and feelings openly, directly, clearly and effectively

Major Topics of the Workshop

Ø Communicating using the 3E’s

Ø Dynamics of Communication Process

Ø Elements of Communication – the 3V’s

Ø The major Barriers

Ø Building Gateways to Communication

Ø Listening - the most neglected in communication

Ø Giving and Receiving Feedback

Ø The Power of Non-Verbal Communication

Ø Styles of Communication

Ø Communicating Assertively

Ø Conflict Resolution Strategies

Ø Communicating with difficult person

Training Methodology

Ice-breakers, Energizers, Case Study, Parables, Paradox, communication exercises and games, personal feedback on the communication style and improvements required.

Duration

2 days 9:30am to 5pm

Faculty

Shabbar Suterwala

A Corporate Soft Skills Trainer, Coach and NLP Practitioner

Contact: Shabbar Suterwala’s Leaders Workshop

Email: ShabbarSuterwala@hotmail.com , Mb: +91-989 222 5864

www.shabbarsuterwala.com

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
email: shabbarsuterwala@hotmail.com,
Mb: +91-989 222 5864
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Linkedin: http://in.linkedin.com/in/shabbarsuterwala
Twitter: http://twitter.com/shabbarsuterwal
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/shabbarsuterwala
YahooGroups: http://finance.groups.yahoo.com/group/LeadersWorkshop/
Blog: http://leaders-workshop.blogspot.com/
Website: http://shabbarsuterwala.com
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Observing the Body Language and find out when someone is lying

2010-09-30T21:23:00.001-07:00

Watching body language in addition to what is spoken might just save you from being a victim of fraud, or it could help you figure out when somebodyâ€™s being genuine. The police do this during an interrogation.

You have to learn the little facial and body expressions that can help you distinguish a lie from the truth. Here are some steps and tips to do so.

1. Learn to recognize deflections.

Usually when people are lying, they will tell stories that are true but are deliberately aimed at not answering the question you asked. If a person responds to the question â€œDid you ever hit your wife?â€ with an answer such as â€œI love my wife, why would I do that?â€, the suspect is technically telling a truth, but they are avoiding answering your original question, which usually means theyâ€™re lying.

2. Mind exaggerated details.

See if they are telling you too much, like â€œMy mom is living in France, isnâ€™t it nice there? Donâ€™t you like the Eiffel tower? Itâ€™s so clean there.â€ Too many details may tip you off to their desperation to get you to believe them.

3. We have illustrators, and manipulators.

Illustrators are a sign of telling the truth, this is when you are using your hand gestures to talk. Moving your hands while you are talking is a sign of telling the truth. We also have manipulators. These, are the opposite of illustrators. An example of a manipulator can be playing with your wrist-watch, your jewelry, pulling on your ear lobe, etc. People who behave this way tend to be hiding something. The last, commonly unknown sign of hiding something is reptile tissue, most people have a reptile tissue in their nose, and it itches when youâ€™re hiding something. But, before you assume that the person is hiding something, please establish a base line.

4. Base Line:

A base line is what someone acts like when they are not lying. You have to get a base line before you proceed with anything. Imagine you have a itch on your nose ever since you got out of bed. And someone thinks you are hiding something because you scratch your nose when answering a questionâ€¦oops. What the person should have done is establish a baseline. To establish a baseline, you need to see the person when they arenâ€™t lying. Try asking what their name is, and what they do for a living.

5. Look out for micro-expressions.

Micro-expressions are split second facial expressions that flash on a personâ€™s face for a less than a 25th of a second and reveal the personâ€™s true emotion underneath their facade. Some people may be naturally sensitive to them, but almost anybody can easily train to be able to detect microexpressions. Put focus to the upper and lower eyelids, the corner of the eyes, the mouth and the muscles surrounding the mouth, the eyebrows and forehead.

6. Shaking handsâ€¦

When you meet the person who you think is deceiving you, shake their hand. Take note of the temperature. When you are sure they are lying to you, pretend to be leaving and quickly grab their hand for a â€œGood-Byeâ€ Handshake. If the temperature is colder, they are fearful.

7. Notice the personâ€™s eye movements.

Contrary to popular belief, a liar does not always avoid eye contact. Humans naturally break eye contact and look at non-moving objects to help them focus and remember. Liars may deliberately make eye contact to seem more sincere. You can usually tell if a person is remembering something or making something up based on their eyeâ€™s movements. When someone is remembering details, their eyes move to the right (your right). When someone is making something up, their eyes move to the left. Itâ€™s usually reversed for lefties. (although not always true.)

8. Be aware of their emotional responses

Timing and duration tends to be off when someone is lying. If you ask someone a question and they respond directly after the question, there is a chance that the person is lying. This can be because they have rehearsed the answer, or theyâ€™re already thinking about the answer just to get it over with and move forward. A delayed answer can be a sign of lying. To tell the truth takes 2 parts of your brain at most, however to lie takes 6 parts of your brain. If the person has a long story then you can ask them to tell it backwards. Liars have trouble telling stories backwards, because in their mind they have rehearsed it forwards, but not backwards. And, as with smiling, facial expressions of a poor liar will be limited to the mouth area.

Pay close attention to the personâ€™s reaction to your questions.

A liar will often feel uncomfortable and turn their head or body away, or even subconsciously put an object between the two of you. Also, while an innocent person would go on the offensive (usually responding with anger, which will usually be revealed in a microexpression directly after you say you donâ€™t believe them), a guilty person will often go immediately on the defensive (usually by saying something to reassure their facts, such as deflections).

9. Listen for a subtle delay in responses to questions.

An honest answer comes quickly from memory. Lies require a quick mental review of what they have told others to avoid inconsistency and to make up new details as needed. However, when people look up to remember things, it does not necessarily mean that they are lying.

10 .Be conscious of their usage of words.

Verbal expression can give many clues as to whether a person is lying, such as:
Using/repeating your own exact words when answering a question
Not using contractions
Avoiding direct statements or answers (deflections)
Speaking excessively in an effort to convince
Speaking in a monotonous tone
Speaking in muddled sentences
Vocal pitch rising
Using classic qualifiers such as â€œIâ€™m only going to say this onceâ€¦â€
Using humor and sarcasm to avoid the subject
Using Deflections (beating around the bush, not answering the question.)

11. Allow silence to enter the conversation.
If theyâ€™re lying, they will become uncomfortable if you stare at them for a while with a look of disbelief. If theyâ€™re telling the truth, they will usually become angry or just frustrated (lips pressed together, brows down, upper eyelid tensed and pulled down to glare).

12 .Change the subject quickly.

While an innocent person would be confused by the sudden shift in the conversation and may try to return to the previous subject, a liar will be relieved and welcome the change. You may see the person become more relaxed and less defensive.

13. Watch his or her throat.

A person may constantly be either trying to lubricate their throat when he/she lies by swallowing or clearing their throat to relieve the tension built up. A personâ€™s voice can also be a good lie indicator; they may suddenly start talking faster or slower than normal, or their tension may result in a higher-pitched speaking tone. See baseline info

14 .Check the facts.

If you have the means, check the validity of what the liar is saying. A skilled liar might give some reason why you shouldnâ€™t talk to the person who could confirm or deny a story. Perhaps the liar will infer that the person is particularly favourable towards the liar, or that the person would have little time for you. These are probably lies themselves, so might be worthwhile overcoming your reluctance and to check with the person youâ€™ve been warned against.

15. Judge the character.

Most people tell the truth most of the time, and

will cherish their reputation. Liars will â€™sail close to the windâ€™ â€“ theyâ€™ll artificially bolster their reputation so that they seem more credible or desirable than they actually are.
If you overhear a version of an anecdote that seems wrong, listen to those alarm bells â€“ it might be a liar.
If someone takes the time out to ingratiate themselves with you out of the blue, itâ€™s very flattering, but you have to ask, why are they doing that?
If John rubbishes or smears people more than normal, John is possibly putting in the groundwork so the audience are more receptive to John, and less receptive to the people who John has lied to â€“ theyâ€™re discredited before they can say â€˜John is a liarâ€™.

Note -

Some people are extremely experienced or even professional liars. He or she has told their made up story so many times that they are actually believable, getting all their days, dates and times down perfectly! Sometimes, you may need to simply accept that you canâ€™t catch every lie all the time.
If you do catch a lie, donâ€™t reveal it to the liar; they will just adjust their story. Once you know one thing that is not true, you can use it to find more of the net of lies, and other nets of lies. Then decide which points you reveal and to whom.

The Power of Body Language

2010-09-30T10:52:00.001-07:00

You've probably heard these expressions before. "Chin up, shoulders back," "Keep your distance," "Feet on the ground," "Pain in the neck." But have you ever wondered how they came about? It all has to do with Body Language.

Simply put, body language is the unspoken communication we all use in every face-to-face encounter with other human beings. You could say it's more powerful than anything said aloud.

Ninety-three per cent of our everyday communications is non-verbal. Only 7% has to do with words at all. You could be telling that other person much more with your body language than you would ever say in words.

Determining and regulating your own body language could well mean the difference when it comes to job interviews, networking meetings, banquets and business dinners, or even a social occasion such as a date. Even trickier is learning to read and understand the other person's body language.

So, you're probably asking yourself, "How do I regulate my body language to give a true representation of how I feel when I interact with others?"

Start with the distance between you and the person with whom you're speaking.

If you get too close, people feel you're in their face, or too pushy. Too far away, and you could be seen as standoffish.

The angle of your body is a dead giveaway to others. We tend to angle our body towards those people we find friendly or interesting, and angle away from those we feel are cold or unfriendly. Crossing your arms over your chest shows defensiveness. This posture says, "I'm closed off and keeping you out."

Eye Contact is one of the most important ways to communicate with others.
Looking them in the eye shows respect and interest. We've all experienced the person who looks constantly at their watch, or seems to be far away and not listening to us. Their body language says, "I have other places to be and other more interesting people to talk to than you." Or the person that you know is not listening to what you're saying, but instead is busy deciding what he/she will say next. Someone whose eyes are downcast, not looking you in the eye could be exhibiting signs of shyness, or it could be deceit. Someone who is lying to you will not look you in the eye.

The head position also says a lot. To show confidence or authority, simply keep your head level. This says, "Take me seriously, my words are important." To show friendliness and interest in what the other person is saying, tilt your head slightly to one side or the other.

Mouth movements are easy clues to what the other person may be feeling. If they purse their lips or twist them, they could be thinking carefully about what you just said, or disagreeing with you, but holding back comment. You can certainly tell when someone is not pleased.

The handshake is extremely important in the communication with others. No one wants to shake a hand like a wet noodle; at the same time, a handshake needn't be a contest of strength. It's a handshake, not arm wrestling. Many people also don't quite know what to do with their hands after the handshake, especially when meeting someone new. They tend to clasp their hands together, nervously, or fiddle with their jewelry.

Since we're constantly sending out these powerful messages, it's clear we should make an effort to learn more about what our bodies say to others. And learning what others are really saying to us is of paramount importance in our day-to-day communications.

So, chin up, shoulders back, keep your distance, head up, eyes sharp, don't be pushy or standoffish, smile and shake that hand. You too can learn to speak fluent body language.

How to do deal and resolve Workplace Conflicts

2010-09-24T17:44:00.001-07:00

How to deal with workplace conflict

View more presentations from Shabbar Suterwala.

Communication Skills - Open Ended Questions

2010-05-07T00:31:00.001-07:00

If you're a Parent or a Manager you'll find this article to be good, practical, usable tips that you can apply right away with your kids or your subordinates and I encourage you to practice it out and see the difference.

"Ask Questions that are Open-Ended rather than Closed-Ended."

For example at home your ask your child a very simple question: "Are you having a good time?" or "Did you have a good day?" "Did you like the food?" are close-ended questions. They only require a "yes" or "no" answer. "What things did you enjoy doing?" is open-ended; As is "What was good about your day?" or "Tell me about your favorite food."

Open-ended questions invites your children to engage in a dialogue with you. They allow your kids to give more thoughtful responses.The more we can allow our children to do things for themselves, the more strongly we communicate the message that, "I believe in your ability and growing skills."

As you get in the habit of using the language of responsibility, you'll be able to see tangible evidence of your children's growing sense of independence. When we ask our children for their ideas and suggestions

we are often surprised by the creative practical solutions they present. Our kids are more likely to follow through with the solutions when they have helped create them.

Friends, isn't the same true for Organizations also?

For example, You as a Boss / Manager instead of asking close ended questions to which the down line is indifferent, ask open-ended questions like "What do you think we can do on customer service issue? " or "Tell me your views about the improvement in the product". By doing so you would start being a Leader and your team would get a feeling of ownership.

"Yes", asking open-ended question will require your conscious effort and a lot of alertness.

So the next time you are dealing with your child or your subordinate/employee/down line just take a PAUSE and ask the right OPEN ENDED QUESTION, and you will find your RELATIONSHIP IMPROVES tremendously.

Pls. share your feedback on the same.

Communication Challenge - Small Misunderstanding can lead to...

2010-03-23T07:48:00.001-07:00

Small Misunderstandings May Result in a Lifetime of Regrets....

Communication Challenge

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that
she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother".

Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it". Mother stopped saying anything.

But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.

I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is,
right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.

During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting
up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am
pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there.

It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.

At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.

He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work.. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed
to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop,
apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarrelled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes.
I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me.

I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way
to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.

"LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I
can't.

In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not
repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet... This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.

He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.

He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.

Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling.

I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now.... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be.

But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey.

To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me m most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you
for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is
finally revealed at a price, everything became too late.".........

This is a true story. from LD

LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

Words from the readers:

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read
through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly
showed the devastating power of grudges and anger!

Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the
problems in that story, as well as patience....

This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has
stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very
refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a
life free of grudge.

People please let's live a life devoid of grudge.

Communication is the key.

Take greatest care and live on.
It was a bit long to read, but will experience a gentle change in your
communication & approach.
================================================
5 Key Learnings :

1. Do not jump to immediate conclusion.

2. Just ask & clarify; minium 3 times to the concerned person before forming a final rigid opinion.

3. Patience is another name of Love. Have patience.

4. Never miss the opportunity to take initiative and get closer.

5. Do not worry about winning arguments.. think about winning people.

P.S. : The orginal Author of this article is not yet identified.

Assumption in Communication - Drinking Problem

2010-02-23T04:35:00.001-08:00

What is Effective Communication?

2010-02-23T04:05:00.000-08:00

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Many of the problems that occur in an organization are the direct result of people failing to communicate. Faulty communication causes the most problems. It leads to confusion and can cause a good plan to fail.

Communication is the exchange and flow of information and ideas from one person to another. It involves a sender transmitting an idea to a receiver. Effective communication occurs only if the receiver understands the exact information or idea that the sender intended to transmit.

Studying the communication process is important because you coach, coordinate, counsel, evaluate, and supervise through this process. It is the chain of understanding that integrates the members of an organization from top to bottom, bottom to top, and side to side.

The Communication Process Communication

Thought: First, information exists in the mind of the sender. This can be a concept, idea, information, or feelings.

Encoding: Next, a message is sent to a receiver in words or other symbols.

Decoding: lastly, the receiver translates the words or symbols into a concept or information that he or she can understand.

During the transmitting of the message, two elements will be received: content and context. Content is the actual words or symbols of the message which is known as language - the spoken and written words combined into phrases that make grammatical and semantic sense. We all use and interpret the meanings of words differently, so even simple messages can be misunderstood. And many words have different meanings to confuse the issue even more.

Context is the way the message is delivered and is known as paralanguage - it is the non verbal elements in speech such as the tone of voice, the look in the sender's eyes, body language, hand gestures, and state of emotions (anger, fear, uncertainty, confidence, etc.) that can be detected. Although paralanguage or context often cause messages to be misunderstood as we believe what we see more than what we hear; they are powerful communicators that help us to understand each other. Indeed, we often trust the accuracy of nonverbal behaviors more than verbal behaviors.

Some leaders think they have communicated once they told someone to do something, "I don't know why it did not get done. I told Tom to it." More than likely, Tom misunderstood the message. A message has NOT been communicated unless it is understood by the receiver (decoded). How do you know it has been properly received? By two-way communication or feedback.

This feedback tells the sender that the receiver understood the message, its level of importance, and what must be done with it. Communication is an exchange, not just a give, as all parties must participate to complete the information exchange.

Barriers to Communication

Anything that prevents understanding of the message is a barrier to communication. Many physical and psychological barriers exist:

Culture, background, and bias - We allow our past experiences to change the meaning of the message. Our culture, background, and bias can be good as they allow us to use our past experiences to understand something new, it is when they change the meaning of the message that they interfere with the communication process.

Noise - Equipment or environmental noise impedes clear communication. The sender and the receiver must both be able to concentrate on the messages being sent to each other.

Ourselves - Focusing on ourselves, rather than the other person can lead to confusion and conflict. The "Me Generation" is out when it comes to effective communication. Some of the factors that cause this are defensiveness (we feel someone is attacking us), superiority (we feel we know more that the other), and ego (we feel we are the center of the activity).

Perception - If we feel the person is talking too fast, not fluently, does not articulate clearly, etc., we may dismiss the person. Also our preconceived attitudes affect our ability to listen. We listen uncritically to persons of high status and dismiss those of low status.

Message - Distractions happen when we focus on the facts rather than the idea. Our educational institutions reinforce this with tests and questions. Semantic distractions occur when a word is used differently than you prefer. For example, the word chairman instead of chairperson, may cause you to focus on the word and not the message.

Environmental - Bright lights, an attractive person, unusual sights, or any other stimulus provides a potential distraction.

Smothering - We take it for granted that the impulse to send useful information is automatic. Not true! Too often we believe that certain information has no value to others or they are already aware of the facts.

Stress - People do not see things the same way when under stress. What we see and believe at a given moment is influenced by our psychological frames of references - our beliefs, values, knowledge, experiences, and goals.

These barriers can be thought of as filters, that is, the message leaves the sender, goes through the above filters, and is then heard by the receiver. These filters muffle the message. And the way to overcome filters is through active listening and feedback.

Active Listening

Hearing and listening are not the same thing. Hearing is the act of perceiving sound. It is involuntary and simply refers to the reception of aural stimuli. Listening is a selective activity which involves the reception and the interpretation of aural stimuli. It involves decoding the sound into meaning.

Listening is divided into two main categories: passive and active. Passive listening is little more that hearing. It occurs when the receiver of the message has little motivation to listen carefully, such as when listening to music, story telling, television, or when being polite.

People speak at 100 to 175 words per minute (WPM), but they can listen intelligently at 600 to 800 WPM. Since only a part of our mind is paying attention, it is easy to go into mind drift - thinking about other things while listening to someone.

The cure for this is active listening - which involves listening with a purpose. It may be to gain information, obtain directions, understand others, solve problems, share interest, see how another person feels, show support, etc. It requires that the listener attends to the words and the feelings of the sender for understanding. It takes the same amount or more energy than speaking. It requires the receiver to hear the various messages, understand the meaning, and then verify the meaning by offering feedback.

The following are a few traits of active listeners:

Spend more time listening than talking.
Do not finish the sentences of others.
Do not answer questions with questions.
Are aware of biases. We all have them. We need to control them.
Never daydreams or become preoccupied with their own thoughts when others talk.
Let the other speakers talk. Do not dominate the conversations.
Plan responses after the others have finished speaking, NOT while they are speaking.
Provide feedback, but do not interrupt incessantly.
Analyze by looking at all the relevant factors and asking open-ended questions. Walk others through by summarizing.
Keep conversations on what others say, NOT on what interests them.
Take brief notes. This forces them to concentrate on what is being said.

Feedback

When you know something, say what you know. When you don't know something, say that you don't know. That is knowledge. - Kung Fu Tzu (Confucius)

The purpose of feedback is to alter messages so the intention of the original communicator is understood by the second communicator. It includes verbal and nonverbal responses to another person's message.

Providing feedback is accomplished by paraphrasing the words of the sender. Restate the sender's feelings or ideas in your own words, rather than repeating their words. Your words should be saying, "This is what I understand your feelings to be, am I correct?" It not only includes verbal responses, but also nonverbal ones. Nodding your head or squeezing their hand to show agreement, dipping your eyebrows shows you don't quite understand the meaning of their last phrase, or sucking air in deeply and blowing it hard shows that you are also exasperated with the situation.

Carl Rogers listed five main categories of feedback. They are listed in the order in which they occur most frequently in daily conversations. Notice that we make judgments more often than we try to understand:

Evaluative: Making a judgment about the worth, goodness, or appropriateness of the other person's statement.

Interpretive: Paraphrasing - attempting to explain what the other person's statement means.

Supportive: Attempting to assist or bolster the other communicator.

Probing: Attempting to gain additional information, continue the discussion, or clarify a point.

Understanding: Attempting to discover completely what the other communicator means by her statements.

Imagine how much better daily communications would be if listeners tried to understand first, before they tried to evaluate what someone is saying.