Counter Parental Alienation

Swallowtail - A Butterfly Kiss

2014-12-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

Swallowtail - A Butterfly Kiss Swallowtail - A Butterfly Kiss
By Sam Vigil
"You're mean to him," I said to my mother as she slammed the phone onto its cradle; her last words to my father were, "I'll call the cops on you for harassment if you phone again!"
"I want to talk to Daddy," I said. "Call him back. I want to talk to him."
"He's not suppose to call here."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want him to."
"Why?" My voice rose a notch.
"Because I said so."
"But... "
"No buts. You'll see him in a few days for Spring break," my mother said through tight lips.
"But... "
"Enough, Roberta, end of discussion."
The doorbell chimed and she waved me off as she answered the door to welcome Auntie Karen who was visiting from Arizona and had our mail in hand. They exchanged greetings and she put the mail on the Mission writing-table. "Looks like there's one from the ex," she said.
"Hopefully it's child-support," Mia said.
Karen bent down to give me a hug and kiss,"What's with the long face, honey?"
"My mom won't let me talk to my daddy," I said with a quivering lip and chin.
Catching her sister's eye roll, Karen kissed the top of my head and said, "I tell you what; I'll take you out for lunch this weekend."
"I'm going to see my dad this weekend," I said.
"Then we'll do it next weekend. Just the two of us girls," she said. "We'll have fun, I promise, okay."
"Okay."
"Now go play outside with your dog while your mom and I do some catching up."
"Okay."
Instead of going outside I went to my bedroom until I heard their voices fade into the den. Then I made a beeline for the phone and dialed my dad's number. Afraid of being caught, I misdialed a couple of times with a trembling hand. I am not allowed to use the phone without permission and also have been forbidden from calling him.
"Hello." I heard his tender voice on the other end.
"Daddy," I answered. Suddenly the phone is snatched once again from my clammy hand.
My mother said, "What are you doing!" Infuriated, she hung up on my father.
"I was just... "
"Don't lie to me." She cut me off, intensity of anger rose with each word she spewed out. "You blew it, you're not going to see your father anymore. Go to your room and don't come out till I call you out. Do you understand?"
I swatted the mail from the writing-table onto the brown Mexican tiled floor. I ran outside into the backyard.
Stubbing my toe on a patch of crabgrass, I fell and skinned my knees on the unforgiving abrasive ground. My tears flowed unrestricted. They are not from the sting of sand granules embedded in my flesh but, from a torn heart.
Wallowing on my hands and knees, Monarch, my black Labrador retriever, nuzzled me with a wet nose of empathy. He watched the tears free-fall off the cleft of my sunburn checks, bombarding the forsaken ground.
"I miss him," I said into his uplifted ear. He whimpered and nuzzled me again.
I Sat cross-legged wearing a faded green tee-shirt with my elbows rested on skinned knees; which protrude through freshly torn jeans and my head perched upon my hands. I spotted a blue Adonis bush I planted with my father last year at the corner of the coyote fenced yard. Its bud are breaking through the shells of hibernation and will soon attract a verity of butterflies.
It's amazing how my dad turned the desert ground into a paradise of lustrous rich green foliage splashed with red, blue and purple flowers where the hummingbirds and butterflies would quench their thirst with the sweet nectar from the hollows of the blossoms.
I remembered swinging on the porch swing with my father's arm around me and asking him, "Daddy, how come there are no yellow flowers? You know it's my favorite color."
"Because, when the Swallowtails show up their yellow wings will pop-out from the other colors. You'll appreciate the color yellow that much more, you'll see."
A few days latter we were weeding the garden when a bright yellow spot catches my eye on the Adonis.
"Look, Daddy, look!" I said pointing to the fanning wings.
My dad inched up next to me and whispered, "Did you know that when you see a Yellow swallowtail it means that someone is thinking of you and has sent you a butterfly kiss."
"How do you know who sent it?" I asked.
"Who ever you think of first when you see one."
"Even if it's Monarch?"
"Even if it's Monarch."
I soliloquized, "I'm sending my dad a butterfly kiss." I ran inside to the mail scattered on the tile floor and picked out the envelope with my dad's return address. I snagged a sheet of paper, stamp, and envelope from the writing-table drawer and went to my room.
In my bedroom I drew yellow butterflies on the paper with great care and signed it Butterfly kisses, Love Roberta. After I Went to the mailbox to send it out I'm was met by Karen at the front door.
"I've got good news, pumpkin," she said, "your mom is letting me take you to see your dad for lunch this weekend."
A few days later at the City Limits Bistro I saw my dad sitting in the patio, and I ran to his open arms yelling, "Daddy, Daddy!"
He pulled me up onto his lap, kissed me and with a tear in his eye, he said, "I've missed you so much."
"Did you get my letter?" I asked.
"I've got it pinned up on my wall. I've got something for you," he said, presenting me with a beautifully wrapped gift.
I ripped open the wrapping and unveiled a most wonderful surprise. Framed in a shadow box was a Yellow Swallowtail with wings spread to its fullest. The brass plate engraved at the bottom read, Kisses, Love Dad. This choked me up with tears of joy.
He enfolded me in his arms, and said, "When you look at it hanging on your wall, it will remind you that I'm always thinking of you with love."
Two Swallowtails danced above our heads. "This is the best day ever," I said, and kissed him goodbye.

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Chef Ralph

2013-04-26T22:33:00.000-06:00

By Sam Vigil

Going from a short hall into the kitchen of the Compound, which sits over a cellar from the era when this antiquated building belonged to an apple orchard and not so recently has been converted into a fine dining restaurant, with a chuckle, I'm greeted by the king of the arena Chef Ralph.
Through a squeaky voice he says. "Hey, Sam Do the Watusi."
The chef resembles a bearded chipmunk wearing a hat that looks like a kernel of corn popped into a puffy cloud.
While the chef is whisking translucent egg whites into peaks of snow, the major-demo walks in wearing a tan three piece suit. He asks the chef. "What"s on today's menu?"
"A little bit of chicken, a little bit of beef, and a little bit of pork," the chef answers. He is short and round and wears black and white pants. Then he repeats, "A little bit of chicken, A little bit of beef, and a little pork," as he folds the fluffed egg white into some melted shimmering chocolate. The smug dining room coordinator walks out mumbling under his breath.
"Maybe, I should have mentioned fish," said the chef with a chuckle.
As I am chopping parsley into green confetti, the international cuisine master preps tarragon, shallots, dry white wine, and vinegar for a Bearnaise sauce. He heats up the potion in an aluminum pot, which will be added to a creamy egg yolk and butter base.
When the concoction is done brewing, the chef shuffles over to the food processor to where I am popping open oysters with a shucking knife.
Standing next to me he takes a sniff of the mixture and crinkles his pudgy nose. A concerned look crosses his rosy-cheeked face.
"Hey, Sam, smell this. Does it smell right?"
I take a whiff of the steaming contents of the pot. Whoa! The pungent vinegar and tarragon hit my nostrils with a burning sensation, causing my eyes to water like a broken cistern. They could use this for smelling salts. It is amazing that something that smells terrible is made into a sauce which raptures ones palate to life, to compliment a savory roasted tenderloin beef.
Recovering from the rancid nasal assault and clearing away the tears from my eyes, I see a chipmunk wearing a double breasted cook's jacket and a chef's hat chuckling.
"Hey, Sam, it smell right?" His eyes crease into crows feet as he breaks into laughter.
Finishing the Creamy Bearnaise sauce he whistles a Kinks' tune bobbing his head to the beat as he schemes up an antic for his next victim. This is my culinary arts mentor Chef Ralph a thirty-something adolescent prankster,

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2012-06-22T20:43:00.001-06:00

Overlooked Details When Hiring a Family Law Attorney
By Sam Vigil

The Attorney
Find a family law attorney who specializes in high conflict custody cases, preferably with knowledge of Parental Alienation
Parental Alienation - when a parent encourages the child to reject the other parent and discourages their relationship.
Verify the attorney you are considering is licensed to practice law, a good track record and reputation. Interested in resolving conflict amiably and not prolonging it with adverse tactics. A good indication is a preference for collaboration law as opposed to litigation.
Collaborative law: Both parties and their attorneys agree to use a binding contract to use cooperative strategies to come to an agreement. When an agreement cannot be reached and it goes to litigation the attorneys agree to withdraw from the case and not assist either party any further.
Judges dislike tactics that promote adversity instead of resolution. and it can hinder your involvement with your children by influencing their ruling. What they want is finality of the case.
Working with Attorney
Be honest with the attorney you hire. This includes divulging what reflects negatively on you. Remember he is not there to judge you, but to represent you to the best of his ability. Failing to fully tell him will hinder him from representing you effectively. When the opposition brings up the negatives he will have to defending you instead of pro-actively retaining your involvement with your children Do not let your pride or shame get in the way of being with your children.
Minor Detail often Overlooked
Ask potential attorneys for their license to practice law in you jurisdiction. I got side swiped overlooking this costly detail.
Anxiously waiting for my attorney while sitting in the gallery the Judge announced my docket number. I had desperately tried to phone him from the lobby earlier when he failed to show up to meet me before the hearing to go over my case.
As I'm standing at the respondent's table my ex-wife's attorney state her representing for my ex and her presence for the record. They smirk at me. Feeling vulnerable I tell the Judge that my attorney is not present, but expect that he will be here shortly.
"Do you know why he is late?" He asked.
"I called and left him a message, but have not heard back from him." I replied.
"Do you know if he is aware that there is a hearing today?"
"Yes, yesterday we made arrangement to meet in the lobby before the hearing."
My ex's attorney cut in and asks the Judge to order me to produce contact information for my lawyer and he orders me to do as requested.
I start to panic, my mind whirls with unanswered questions. What is going on? Where the hell is he? What do... ?
At the same time I'm bombarded with unanswerable questions of theirs. Why is he not present? How did you come about obtaining his services?
Before I can my equilibrium back my ex's attorney addresses the court. "Your Honor, I looked up the respondent's attorney in the registry at the State Bar Association and found no record of him. I also believe that the respondent hired him knowing that he was not licensed to practice law. Therefore, we ask that he be held in contempt of court and serve time in jail to the fullest extent of the law."
"Request denied and ordered a continuance."
Thankfully, the Judge saw through her ploy and recognized that I was swindled.
Hiring this scam artist could have landed me in jail. In addition, cost me money, time, and delayed involvement with my children. If I would have asked for his license to practice law I would have saved myself from this ordeal. Pay attention to the small details.
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Be a Proactive Parent Against Parental Alienation

2012-05-21T14:48:00.000-06:00

By Sam Vigil

First things First

Contending with the complexities of Parental Alienation is frustrating. To help reduce frustration you need to acquire the tools and prepare yourself to combat this form of emotional abuse. But, before you get started on increasing the chances of maintaining a relationship with your children there is one thing you must understand. Which is the only thing you have control of are the choices you make. Getting a respectable judgment on a parenting plan will depend greatly on making beat choices that will influence the outcome you seek.

This takes being honest with yourself and the question you need to ask yourself before you pursue a parenting plan, " What is your true motive for seeking a plan?"

Seeking custody to retaliate against your ex for leaving and keeping the children away from you is a normal impulse, but those are wrong reasons to go to court. Getting even only adds fuel to the fire; perpetuating a vicious cycle of conflict where no one wins. The victory you feel for avenging your anger will only be temporary.

The right reason for seeking involvement with your children is to fulfill your responsibility of being a parent. If your purpose is to even the score; stop, do not read any further. You are doing it for the wrong reason. But, if you are in it to help your children's wellbeing continue on, They deserve to have the love of a responsible parent.

Knowledge is Power

Understanding Parental Alienation, the family laws of your case, and yourself is where you will gain power. This knowledge will give you the wisdom of where to apply your energy to optimize good results.

A resource I found extremely helpful in understanding the nut and bolts of Parental Alienation is Amy J. L. Baker's book "Adult Children of Parental Alienation; Breaking the Ties that Bind." She explains what it is, how it's implemented, and gives the in-depth makeup of whom engages in alienating their children from the target parent.

Identifying the tactics and strategies enables you to respond to the provocations from your ex in a proactive way. This can reduce the negative effects it may have on the parent-child relationship. You will also be better equipped to educate court officers and your attorney to the alienation that is occurring which is hindering you from having a real relationship with your children.

Along with identifying the strategies look from your ex's prospective to gain an understanding why she is alienating you. Is it because of a narcissistic personality, insecurity, pain, or a combination of them? Understanding the reason(s) can give you a way to moderate the conflict.

You also need to identify the triggers that cause you to react negatively. This will keep you from falling into the trap of getting even, which will take focus away from having involvement with your children.

The next thing to do is find an attorney in family law who specializes in high conflict custody cases with a good track record and reputation.

As you become educated with Parental Alienation, family law, and work with an attorney tend to your wellbeing. Get proper rest, eat a healthy diet, and do activities you enjoy. This will rejuvenate you and keep you from bogging down. Be either proactive or reactive the choice is yours.

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Article Source: EzineArticles.com Be a Proactive Parent Against Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation Syndrome and How to Counter Its Three Levels of Parental Alienation

2012-05-06T23:20:00.000-06:00

By Sam Vigil Parental Alienation; the programming of a child by a parent to turn the child against the other parent has three levels of alienation mild, moderate, and severe. As the alienation increases the negative behavior of the children towards the targeted parent also increases. The percentage of children having access and parenting time (visitation) with the alienated parent decreases.

In a case study of thirty highly conflicted divorce and custody cases, submitted by the courts involving fifty nine children was evaluated to determine the existence of Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is when the child aligns with the alienating parent, adopts their views, joins in the defaming of the target parent and rejects that parent citing frivolous and irrational reasoning. Countering Parental Alienation Syndrome will take the knowledge of Parental Alienation and finesse.

This must be confronted to increase the chances for the target parent in reuniting and maintaining a meaningful relationship with their children. Janelle Burrill compiled, analyzed and evaluated the data for one year (2000-2001) from the cases that were submitted from a two year period (1998-2000). In the study twenty two children were listed under the mild alienation category, seventeen in the moderate category, and twenty in the severe.

The children listed under the mild alienation category show that eighty two percent of them expressed affection for the targeted parent. None of them had any anger towards or denigrated (disrespect and reject) the parent. Ninety five percent had parenting-time with the target. With mild alienation there is some cynicism of the target parent. This generally arises from a persons lack of restraint in making negative remarks about the target. They tend to react in this manner when they are hurt, angry, and feel personally attacked. For example, when parents first separate mom is feeling anxious and will implicitly convey to the children that their father is a bad person suggesting that it is not safe to be with him. She may say something to the effect of, "If you get scared or are not having fun call me right away and I will come and get you and bring you home."

Dad may say something like, "Remember to tell your mother that you want to spend more time with me," Suggesting that their mom is trying to separate them from each other. Generally, this behavior from the parents is done so they can look like they are the better parent to be with and that something is wrong with the other one.

In the scenario with mom the children start to question if they are safe to be with their father. With dad they can start to believe their mother is trying to estrange them from their dad. Usually when you point out the alienation to the alienating parent they feel ashamed that their behavior is negatively affecting the children and that they did not have enough self-control to refrain from distributing alienation.

Parents and children in this category normally have a good relationship. The parents who hands out the alienation usually are unaware they are doing it. It is a behavior that has not been addressed so it can be corrected. These parents are usually willing to modify their behavior to benefit the children. The recognizable denigration traits in mild alienation are sighing in disapproval, rolling the eyes in contempt, ignoring, disrespect, snide or sarcastic remarks, and defaming the target parent. To defuse the alienation explain to the children why people will make those kinds of gestures and bad-mouth another person. Let them know it comes from when they feel disrespected, rejected, hurt by a person, and that they lack self-control and respond in undesirable ways to validate themselves.

In the moderate alienation category the percentage of children who had parenting-time with the target parent drops significantly from ninety five percent down to sixty five percent. The same percentage of children also expressed affection for the target parent with fifty nine percent of them expressing anger towards the target and joining in the denigration of that parent.

With moderate alienation the alienating parents have difficulty keeping their composer when thing do not go their way or feel threatened. Like the belief their counterpart is trying to take the children away from them. They will increase the alienation when their anxiety escalates in an effort to keep what they perceive is rightfully theirs. When they lose control they go ballistic disregarding appropriate boundaries, including the fear their behavior produces in the children.

When, they calm down the alienating parent has a hard time taking responsibility for their actions. But, there is hope. Some of these parents in this category can be persuaded to develop their self-control with anger management, therapy, and parenting classes. These parents love their children and want to be a good parent and be viewed as one. But rarely will they volunteer to get help. They blame the other parent for their problems and believe the other parent is the problem.

If they do not modify their behavior then the only remedy is to get a court order for therapy and treatment. With moderately alienated children are hesitant to spend time with the target parent. They have some fear of the target parent due to the alienating parents repeatedly defaming the target in an effort to get the children to get to accept their views about the target parent and to align with them.

To remedy this level of alienation with the children there needs to be an environment where they feel safe and comfortable with the target parent. A therapist can arrange to provide for this. The parent then need to listen to the children without being judgmental, empathize with their feeling, acknowledge their concerns, and let them know the conflict is between the parents and they do not have to choose either parents side. They should not have to reject one parent to please the other parent. They should be able to love both without having a loyalty conflict.

Bring to the attention of the alienating parent the harmful effects the alienation is having on the children because they are conflicted on how to please both parents without displeasing either one of them. Moderate alienation ascends from emotional charged events. The parent feels they have been wronged and react destructively. Afterwards they are embarrassed of their behavior and might be willing to work on not involving the children to even the score for the wrong they believe was done to them. If there is unsatisfactory improvement and willingness on the part of the alienating parent in correcting their behavior, which is often the case, the target will need to get a court order for family counseling and treatment.

In the severe alienation category forty five percent of the children expressed affection for the target parent, ninety percent had anger towards the target, and sixty percent join in the denigration of the parent. Only fifteen percent of the children had any parenting-time with the target parent. With severe alienation there are no-holds-barred attacks on the targets character and the alienator is obsessed with destroying the relationship the children has with the target parent to inflict emotional pain on the target. Because they have deep-rooted distorted beliefs about the target parent and operate from a delusional system of thinking they are hindered from listening to reason.

There is no effective way for treating severe alienation. To minimize the influence of the alienating parent and harm the alienation causes the children is to reduce or remove them from the care of the alienating parent which will take legal intervention. At this level of alienation the children aligns with the alienating parent, adopt their distorted views about the target, and join in the campaign to severe the relationship they have with the target parent. This is where Parental Alienation is transformed into Parental Alienation Syndrome.

A couple of signs of severe alienation are the children's refusal to participate in parenting-time with the target parent even if it is court order, an automatic alliance with the alienating parent when conflict arises between the parents, and they join in rejecting and defaming the target parent. They back up their claims with weak, frivolous and illogical explanations, and insist that their views are their own and are not influenced by the alienating parent.

The way to counter severe alienation is to obtain a court order for a parenting plan, therapy, and participation in treatment. It is necessary to get the order so the therapist can work with the family to resolve, reduce, or at the very least stymie the alienation. At this level of alienation the alienating parent objective is to hurt the target parent by any means including using the children.

The children need to be shown that they have been exposed to the alienation, participated in the denigration, and how it negatively affects the relationship they have with the target parent. Once the cause of the children's alienation from a parent is identified then an expert mental health professional can provide an appropriate treatment plan to reunite the parent and children.

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For the Love of Children

2012-01-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

What makes a good parent?

The 10 Warning Signs of Parental Alienation

2011-04-29T17:58:00.000-06:00

By Grace Watkins

Parental alienation is a somewhat controversial phenomenon characterized by one parent denigrating the other parent, while brainwashing the child to join in the effort. It is a tactic often used to tip the custody scales in a divorce and can mushroom into a situation where the kids are completely turned against the other parent unjustly.

Is your ex-spouse alienating your kids against you and undermining your role as their parent? Learn the 10 warning signs.

1. Are you being prevented or conveniently left out of school functions and decision regarding your child's activities and even health care? Restricting your access to information about your child serves to create a physical and temporal divide.

2. Does your spouse openly blame you for financial or relationship problems or other stressors in the marriage? Sharing personal marital problems with kids is inappropriate and blaming it on the other spouse is a tactic to get the kids to side with the other spouse who is portrayed as the victim.

3. Does your spouse listen in on your phone calls with the kids? Often an act of jealousy, this shows insecurity and mistrust.

4. Does he or she use the child to spy on you? Are the kids being used to report your words, behaviors and other details about your personal life back to your ex-spouse or so they can be used in the divorce or custody hearing?

5. Has a movement been made for your child to be adopted by the step parent? This may include changing the child's name as the ultimate severance of parental ties.

6. Are the kids given a choice of visiting you? Are they being encouraged to pull away and move you out of the picture for reasons not shared with you?

7. Is your child being overbooked with activities such that there is no time left for you to be with them?

8. Is your child acting fearful of you, as if they have been told you are capable of violence or abuse?

9. Does you child act angry toward you, but has no real reason?

10. Does your spouse arrange more pleasant activities that conflict with your visit so that they child has to decide whether to see you or not?

Once children are enlisted as participants to influence custody in a divorce or to change family dynamics, they are active, empowered pawns in the game. By doing as the alienating parent says, they can tear the family apart and forever change their relationship with a parent.

Facing divorce and a custody battle? Get the facts for how to win the fight http://www.child-custody-for-fathers.com

Article Source: The 10 Warning Signs of Parental Alienation

If Emotional Abuse is a Form of Child Abuse Then Parental Alienation is Child Abuse

2011-04-19T00:31:00.001-06:00

By Sam Vigil

Mental health experts agree the attempt to sever a child's bond with a parent is emotionally abusive. If you are being denied visitation and access to your children without cause you may be dealing with a form of child abuse coined as Parental Alienation by Dr. Richard A. Gardner. This is when a parent manipulates the child to turn against the other parent. So if severing the bond is emotionally abusive then Parental Alienation is child abuse and must be recognized to effectively counter it.

At a minimum the Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act defines child abuse and neglect as any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caregiver which results in death, serious physical injury or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.

In the context of the relationship between the child and an alienating parent we will use a further definition of the act defining abuse as a repetitive patter of the parent's behavior or extreme incidences that convey to the children that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value in meeting the needs of others.

There are many behaviors in Parental Alienation that are emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually abusive towards children who are exposed to a parent who wants to turn them against the other parent.

Amy J.L.Baker who has over eighteen years experience in researching parent-child relationships and children's wellbeing list seven observable tactics used in Parental Alienation that are forms of abuse. They are verbal assault, isolation, corruption, rejection, terrorizing, ignoring, and over pressurizing. These tactics are used for persuading the children to complying with the alienating parent's wishes.

The parent's dominating desires are to hurt the target by getting the children to reject him, and for them to demonstrate their absolute loyalty to her by rejecting the target parent. When there is no compliance with their wishes the alienating parent feels disrespected and will often increases the intensity of the alienation.

In the process of denying the target parent's involvement with their children the alienating parent disregards the needs of the children to have the target in their lives and the emotional pain it causes them not to receive their love. The giving and receiving of love between a parent and child is a vital component in developing and maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship and the development of the child's self-esteem.

For example when Vincent separated from his wife, Lynn because of her constant accusation of him having an affair and their inability to resolve the dispute; he decides it is best to move out leaving their daughters, Elisabeth and Kate with their mother to minimize disruption in their lives and the anxiety the fighting is causing them.

Lynn's suspicions arose from a comment she overheard by a coworker of his, Andrea made on how attractive he is. Though there is no evidence to support her claim she equates the comment as proof that they are having an affair. As she thinks on the distorted view she accepts it as true. This causes her pain and she vows that he will pay for hurting her.

After moving out Vincent dropped by on a daily bases to spend time with his daughters and made a habit of calling them at bedtime to tell them that he loves them and wish them a good night.

Lynn became jealous of Elisabeth, Kate, and their father relationship as she watched the affection they have for each other. Cultivating resentment she rationalized her feelings that his involvement in their lives is a ploy to win them over, and turn them against her to make it will be easier for him to gain custody. Under the surface she fears loosing her identity as a parent if she looses custody.

Because of her insecurities, Lynn continually bad-mouthed their father in front of Elisabeth and Kate, repeatedly telling them their father moved out because he does not want to be with you or love you. He only cares about himself and only comes around so he can look good in front of his family and friends. She would follow-up with, "If he really cared and loved you he would not have left you."

Believing that Vincent deserves to be punished for his infidelity Lynn also denied him access to the children as a consequence for cheating on her.

This angered Vincent causing him to be argumentative, demanding of Lynn that she respect his parental rights and not to deny him the right to be involved with the children and their right to be a part of his. With each progressive argument Lynn's resolve strengthened to keep the girls away from him.

Because of Vincent's insistence on having access to his daughters Lynn obtained a restraining order of protection from court, legally forcing him to stay away or face jail time for contempt of court. This strategy effectively isolated Elisabeth and Kate from their father. The lack of access to his children prevented Vincent from correcting any misconceptions they may have about the separation, how he feels about them, and why he moved.

Successfully isolating the girls from their father, Lynn also influenced them to emotionally distance themselves from him by repetitiously telling them that he abandoned them because he does not care or love you, conveniently leaves out the restraining order for the reason of his absents. The underline message is he is not worthy of their love because of his rejection of them. In addition to hurting Vincent, Lynn emotionally abused her children to cover up her jealousy of the attention they receive from him and the fear of loosing custody of them and never seeing them again.

The tactics of Parental Alienation are psychologically and emotionally painful for children to deal with. Seeing themselves as not loved, valued, wanted and cared for. This effects their self-esteem because they often feel that the parent's absents is their fault.

They can be tormented by the thought that the alienating parent hates the parts of them which resemble the target parent. They feel in order to receive love and be of value to the alienating parent they must bury any affection they have for the target parent and reject that parent. They fear if they do not satisfy the alienating parent's emotional needs they will be treated like a traitor and be mistreated like the target parent.

Accepting these views can also cause them the destructive beliefs that something is wrong with them to be denied the affection of love from a parent. Feeling rejected by a parent hurts them and diminishes their perception on how they are valued by others causing emotional havoc as they mature.

Under the ploy of needing protection from their father, Lynn causes unnecessary anxiety for Elisabeth and Kate while dissolving the bond they have with their father so she could hurt him for his cheating on her.

Parental Alienation is child abuse because it breaks down healthy parent-child boundaries which give children the framework to discover who they are and are not. The boundaries are vital for children to develop a solid self-esteem. They are the foundation to protect self-worth, experience empowerment, freedom to choose, and encourage them to take responsibility and ownership of their lives as they grow up.

Final note: Helping children to cope with Parental Alienation and resist the tactics should be done with the assistance of a qualified mental health professional this will help them make sense of why the alienating parent wants to sever the bond they have with the other parent.

It is important to obtain a therapist who is familiar with Parental Alienation, high conflict custody disputes, and court procedures. This will significantly expedite court hearings and treatment and a component of therapy should be to have a discussion of the different types of abuse there is to determine which ones apply. Once a determination is made then a treatment plan can be implicated so the healing can begin.
Article Source: EzineArticles If Emotional Abuse is a Form of Child Abuse Then Parental Alienation is Child Abuse

Parental Alienation - Does Symbiotic Fusion Have a Role?

2011-03-27T21:58:00.000-06:00

By Sam Vigil

When parents have a deficiency in their perception of there child as a separate individual from themselves it is called Symbiotic Fusion. By not distinguishing the separateness of identity, the parent has a distorted view of the parent-child relationship. She maintains in her mind that they are one in the same with their children in thought, beliefs, feelings, and behaviors. With symbiotic fusion parents have difficulty distinguishing where they end and the child begins.

The ambiguity gives the fused parent a belief that the child's needs and wants are the same as hers. The consequence to the child is when she expresses her needs to the parent they go unheard, which can hamper the child's self-esteem, development, and lead to feelings of unworthiness. The child thinks to herself, "This must be why my needs aren't met, no one cares about me. I'm only here to make my parents happy." What kind of value do you think a child that believes this has of themselves?

Although, we know that there is a connection to our children genetically and emotionally, we must acknowledge that they are individuals and appreciate their separate identities. This is accomplished with intentional dialogue, tending to their needs and having appropriate boundaries in the parent-child relationship in place.

Developing a healthy bond with our children takes intentional dialogue, which consists of mirroring, validating, and empathizing with them. This will give us a relatively good perspective of their needs and help you identify any of your needs that may be interfering with your child's development and can be work on with the help of a good support network.

Though our children are a blessing in many ways and provide us with a sense of acceptance, it is our role to support our children not the other way around, we are the parents. Being unaware of our children's needs can blind us to the psychological consequences it can have on them and keeps both the parent and child in a distorted view of what a healthy relationship is, at best and at worst, estranged.

Signs of a Symbiotically Fused Parent

Views their child as an extension of themselves.
Believes their reality is the only one that is legitimate.
When conflict arises with their child they believe their response is to the child's behavior when in reality they are actually reacting to their own childhood needs, which were not meet.
Believes what their child experiences are only valid when it is congruent with what they are feeling.
Does not recognize that children develop in stags and believe all children are the same when developing.

The symbiotic fused parent cannot see their part in conflicts that arise with their children. They believe it is because of something they did wrong and are the cause of the problem.Parents that are symbiotically fused to their children are self-absorbed in projecting their own childhood needs; which were not fundamentally meet by their parents when they were a child, onto their own children. They react to their children in a way as so to heal their own wounds and with the illusion of being able live the way they wished they would have when they were children, through their children; instead of, interacting with them to meet their child's needs.

Based on the premise of this article it seem that there are similar parallels with parental alienation and parental symbiotic fusion; such as, the parent's beliefs, attitudes, behaviors, and the anxiety it produces in the children. With this premise I have a two-part question for mental health professionals. Does Parental Symbiotic Fusion play a role in Parental Alienation and how? Your response is appreciated.

http://visionspublishing.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-is-difference-between-parental.html
Article Source: Parental Alienation - Does Symbiotic Fusion Have a Role?

Parental Alienation Syndrome in South Africa | Divorce Attorney South Africa (Abrahams & Gross) - JDSupra

2011-03-27T17:48:00.000-06:00

This a accurate definition Of parental alienation Parental Alienation Syndrome in South Africa Divorce Attorney South Africa (Abrahams & Gross) - JDSupra

Hugs & Kisses Every Day

2011-02-19T23:52:00.001-07:00

Court ruling may reunite twin boys now in Singapor with father in Las Angles.
Will mother comply?

http://www.ocregister.com/news/wang-290764-singapore-boys.html?pic=1

I feel that this post may be hard for those whom are dealing with parental alienation. I've been there and concede the pain is great at times. But, this article reminds me why we are willing to rack our back over the blistering fire coals for ," Them.'

Hugs & Kisses Every Day

Parental Alienation in Celebrity Custody Battles

2011-02-19T02:04:00.001-07:00

Mothers Agianst Parental Alienation

2011-02-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

What is the Difference Between Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome?

2011-01-20T14:42:00.001-07:00

By Sam Vigil

Are you being denied your right to be involved in your child's life without justification?

Is your child treated negatively by the other parent when he or she shows any affection towards you or expresses a desire to spend time with you?

Does your child disrespect, reject, and avoid you without good reason?

If the answer is yes to any of the questions, you may be dealing with Parental Alienation and probably Parental Alienation Syndrome if you answered yes to the last question. If the answer is yes to all three you are most likely right in the middle of it.

You need to know the differences between the two and how they relate to each other so you can know what you are dealing with. This will help you on what best course of action to take to combat the alienation and get back into your child's life.

It is important to know and understand what you are dealing with so you can have a clear picture of what is going on. Once you have this understanding you will be better equipped to deal with it. This will help you to make the decision on what is the best course of action to combat alienation and get back into your child's life. Do you know the difference between the two and how they relate to each other?

To get a better understanding we need to first define Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome to know what they are, what the differences are, and how they relate to each other. Keep in mind that both men and women are capable of P.A. and it occurs in intact families as well as in broken families .

o Parental Alienation (P.A.) is the alienating parent's negative behaviors toward the child and targeted parent. These constellations of behaviors whether conscious or unconscious disrupt the relationship between the child and the target parent.

o Parental Alienation Syndrome (P.A.S.) occurs when a parent engages and successfully manipulates a child to turn against the other parent. This causes a disturbance in which the child is preoccupied with denigrating the targeted parent. The depreciation and criticism toward the targeted parent is seldom justified and often exaggerated.

Once the child adopts the distorted views of the alienating parent about the target parent and actively participates in defaming him Parental Alienation is transformed into Parental Alienation Syndrome.

This is the point when it becomes tribal warfare; them against the common enemy, the target parent.

The primary manifestations of the campaign to denigrate the target parent results from a combination of the alienating parent's indoctrination and programming the child to denigrate the target and the child's own contributions in denigrating that parent.

It needs to be noted that P.A.S is not applicable for any animosity the child has towards a parent from the result of abuse and/or neglect. The hostilities the child has are then justified. P.A.S. is only valid when a child rejects a parent without the justification of abuse, neglect or both and is under the influence of the alienator who encourages the alienation.

With P.A. you need to address the alienator's behavior and with P.A.S. you have to reprove and correct the child's bad behavior. You will find that both usually have to be addressed simultaneously.

Though Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome are related to each other it is important to distinguish the difference between them and how they relate to each other. It will set the course of action you need to take to reunite and remain in your child's life.

P.A is when a parent manipulates and programs the child to turn against the target parent. It transforms into P.A.S. when a child adopts the distorted reality of the alienating parent, rejects the target and actively participates in denigrating him.

Knowing the differences will give you better insight on what course of action to take to increase your chances to be involved in your child's life.
http://www.visionsx1.wordpress.com/
Article Source:
What is the Difference Between Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome?

’Parental Abductions’ on Dr. Phil - National Dr. Phil | Examiner.com

2011-01-08T00:02:00.000-07:00

’Parental Abductions’ on Dr. Phil - National Dr. Phil Examiner.com

Brazil Outlaws Parental Alienation | Men's Divorce Law Blog

2011-01-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

Brazil Outlaws Parental Alienation Men's Divorce Law Blog

Top 10 Divorce Issues Of The Decade: A Divorce Attorney's Perspective

2010-12-31T15:09:00.001-07:00

The positive I see from your observations is that shared parenting and joint custody is being more adoptive in the divorec arena. Good presentation.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Think Before You Speak: Parental Alienation-One Woman’s View

2010-12-26T00:38:00.000-07:00

Think Before You Speak: Parental Alienation-One Woman’s View

Parental Alienation – A Real Threat in Child Custody Disputes!

2010-12-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Parental Alienation – A Real Threat in Child Custody Disputes!

Help Your Child Through Anxiety

2010-12-08T14:38:00.002-07:00

Help Your Child Through Anxiety

By Sam Vigil

When your child's behavior changes and is interfering with her development she may be struggling with anxiety. The behaviors that are interfering with her development and singles that she is having difficulty coping are clinginess, over-dependence, shyness, withdrawing, fearfulness, recklessly fearless, and uneasiness in social situations. Anxiety can affect them negatively in a number of areas, such as, academically because it makes it difficult to focus, socially a child does not conduct herself in a manner congruent with situations, and over or under reacts to social issues. Anxiety can physically affect them with abdominal pains and irregular bowel movements, chest pains and irregular respiratory and heart rate, and headaches and dizziness. Psychologically it can cause fearfulness, hopelessness, loneliness, and nightmares.

Anxiety is perceived fear of danger triggered by traumatic events, consistent stressors, and distorted beliefs. The fear stems from is feeling alone because a friend moved away, someone close has died, uncertainty of wellbeing due to divorce, and pressure from parental alienation. If you are going through a divorce, custody battle, or parental alienation is present evaluate your motives for helping your child through anxiety. Your cause should be to help her and not to align her to your side of the battle or to hurt your ex-partner. Resist the temptation of criticizing or blaming her for the difficulty your child is going through. Keep the conflict between you and your ex.

Use sound reasoning, discernment, and be equipped with are an understanding of her temperament and the developmental stage she is in. This will help you determine the best approach in helping her. Do not be judgmental of the way your child is feeling. This will only exasperate her anxiety and will stymie your effort. Remember her feelings are real. Once you have determined that your motive is to help her through anxiety you need to be prepared to put in the time and effort with patients.

Start by providing an environment where she feels safe to express herself freely. Then listen to her carefully without interruptions to her statement for fears and concern that may be under the surface; unless you need clarification, and then acknowledge her feelings with empathy. This will indicate that you care and build her trust to confidently approach you for support. In addition, help her with critical thinking to come up with solutions in handling anxiety in the future. If she perceives that you are not truly there for her she may become resentful and withdraw from you making it harder to help. While helping your child through her anxiety, developmental stage, and critical thinking allow her to go through the process at her own pace. Give her the time to cope. Rushing her will just add anxiety to her concerns and hinder her development.

https://visionsx1.wordpress.com/

Article Source: http://ezinearticles.com/ezinepublisher/?id=5455751Help Your Child Through Anxiety

Signs of Parental Alienation: Us vs Me

2010-11-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

Signs of Parental Alienation: Us vs Me: "A good sign of someone who is emeshed in their thinking with the children is a parent who constantly uses 'us'.. instead of me/I. For exampl..."

Ten Steps for Anyone to Consider Before Filing for Divorce

2010-11-24T19:41:00.001-07:00

Sound advice.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Are You a Target of Emotional Blackmail?

2010-11-24T03:47:00.002-07:00

By Sam Vigil

When people manipulate you to get their way at the expense of your wants, needs, well being, and disregard the boundaries of the relationship between the two of you is a strong indicator of Emotional Blackmail.

There are six stages in the cycle that comprises the extortion:

1. The demand
2. Resistance
3. Pressure
4. Threats
5. Compliance
6. Repetition

In a quest for satisfying their desires, the blackmailer puts the process in motion with a demand which defrauds and compromises yours or another person's self-respect, integrity, well being, and boundaries.

Because complying with the demand violates the target's integrity there is usually resistance to maintain and keep their self-esteem in tact.

With the show of resistance the blackmailer will put the pressure on the target by making them feel fearful, obligated, and guilty for noncompliance and continue the aggravation until they submit. They will use the fact that they did such and such for you implying that you owe them for the favor. They will also play the; if you love me, you would do this for me, card. When you honor your integrity and do not submit to their demands they will often increase the pressure with threats; such as, if you do not do this for me I will leave you and take the kids with me and you will never see them again. Or, they may make tantalizing promises to coerce you into submitting. Like a job promotion and in the context of divorce the custodial parent promises the non-custodial parent extra time with the children often in conjunction with threats to keep them from the target. After they get what they want they normally do not keep their promises. Regardless of which tactic is used you are being emotionally attacked in an attempt to coerce you into giving in and satisfying their desires.

Because the fears of the imposed or implied consequences are too overpowering for them, the tantalizing promises made will be withdrawn, or the blackmailer will ignores them causing them to feel rejected and unloved. The target, often finds themselves giving in to the pressure.
Complying is the exchange the target makes to suppress the anxiety, keep the peace, be in good standings with the blackmailer, and have the hope that their needs might be respected. The reason they compromise their values is to obtain a sense of self-worth though distorted and a false sense of security. By capitulating the target is able to temporally quiet down their anxiety only to find themselves in the same position the next time they resist.

Recognizing the traits of emotional blackmail and the components of the manipulation cycle are important to effectively deal with the compromising demands and the extortionist. Failing to correct the exploitation will only encourage the perpetrator to repeat the tactics, until you put a stop to it.

You are a target of emotional blackmail if any of the following apply to get your compliance.

1. The blackmailer threatens to harm or make your life difficult.
2. Threatens to end the relationship with you.
3. Implies it will be your fault if they become depressed and warn you that they will neglect and harm themselves if they do not get what they want.
4. Believe you will submit.
5. When you meet their demands they always want more.
6. Consistently discount your personal boundaries, wants, needs, and feelings.
7. Sway you with promises that are dependent on your subordination which are rarely kept.
8. Constantly bad-mouth and label you as self-centered, unappreciative, uncaring, and greedy.
9. Ignore you with silent contempt until you satisfy their wants.
10. Shower you with affection when you give in and deny it when you resist.
11. Use money to gain compliance with bribes or by restricting you access to the cash.
12. In my opinion the worst perpetuator of emotional blackmail are those who use children as an emotional weapon in parental alienation and highly conflicted custody battles to get their counter part to react negatively and use the targets behavior to turn the children against them and increase their chances of gaining custody. They will spotlight the behavior in court to persuade the Judge to rule in their favor. Not only do they disrespect you they also disregard the children's well being.

We all use manipulation to get desired results and negotiate life. It becomes Emotional Blackmail when your sense of fear, obligation, and guilt are used in coercion with the demand in order to get you to concede.

You need to identify if the demand makes you experience fear, obligation, and/or guilt. If so, be aware of why it makes you feel anxious.

1. Is it because it goes against your values and self-respect?
2. Is your well being disregarded when they want their needs meet?
3. Do you give in order to keep the peace or to feed your own insecurities?

The key to alleviate the anxiety is realizing what emotions the demands triggers in you, identifying why it causes you to feel the way you do, and recognizing that your well being is being disregarded.

Understanding why you give in to the manipulation and why it causes you to compromise yourself will give you direction in correcting how you respond in limiting the extortion and setting healthy boundaries with the blackmailer by stating your needs, wants, and boundaries without threats if they are violated, even if there is conflict with the request.

A request in its-self does not constitute emotional blackmail. It transitions into extortion when pressure is put forth to the sense of fear, obligation, and guilt to get compliance from another person. The question is whether they will respect the wants and needs of the person, and honor the boundaries of the relationship or not.

You must acknowledge the traits of being exploited and the anxiety it is causing you in order to set boundaries that will put the relationship on a more solid foundation or sever the dysfunctional relationship from the person who disrespect and emotionally abuses you to get their way.
Maintain your integrity Keep your self-respect. Be true to yourself. visionsx1.wordpress.com

Article Source:EzineArticles.com

Stop Divorce Posion

2010-11-12T14:31:00.000-07:00