Confessions of a Closet Pagan

Don't Spell Angry

2012-02-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

If the name doesn't make sense, it soon will. I'm pretty sure just about everyone loses their temper sometimes. We all get mad, get hurt, and when that happens, some of us just want to get even. The unfortunate side effect of these feelings is that usually someone gets hurt when people seek vengeance, and the vengeful person usually ends up regretting their actions.

For those of us who are part of the magical community, this gets even more dangerous (and it becomes even more important to calm yourself down). Really, what's the worst that could happen? So many things, especially if you think the best course of action is revenge and you are proficient with spells. Take into consideration that, when someone is angry or hurt, they "Harm None" thing tends to fly out the window.

From personal experience, I know that there are two options when a person is extremely angry, hurt, or upset when attempting spell-work. The first option is that you will be unable to focus properly; in this circumstance, the intent of the spell can be skewed. Even if you attempting to heal the emotional pain you are suffering, the energy can go wild, instead harming yourself or someone close to you. The second option is that you will be able to focus intently. So what? So you may believe you are thinking clearly and that you really do want to (insert malevolent action here) to whomever hurt you or belittled you or wronged you, but when you are calm again, you will realize that what you did was wrong. And when you realize that it is better to forgive people who are jerks sometimes, it will be too late, because by then the damage will have been done (and at this point, YOU will be the bigger jerk).

No matter how right it may feel at the time, you should never attempt a ritual or spell while you are mad. Take the time to cool off and calm down. And even when you are calm, make sure that your spell-work is focused on letting go and healing instead of harming those who have harmed you.

Life In General

2012-02-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

I finally figured out what I need in this life...or maybe it's what I want...or maybe it's both. I don't really know. Here's what I do know: I have spent my life trying to take care of others - the people I've worked with and for, friends, family, lovers. I've taken care of all of them. I have done everything I could to help those I care about have a good life (or a better life, at least). But now I find myself in an awkward position; there's really nothing I can do for anyone...not that they've told me, anyway. Everyone has someone else who is taking care of them, and I find myself needed less and less every day. And with no one needing my care, I can finally look after myself...finally do things that I want to do...but it's bittersweet, because there is no one who wants to hear about it. No one wants to hear about my successes and there is no one to turn to when I am upset about my failures.

So what is it that I need? I need someone to care.

Day Twenty-nine

2012-01-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

“Self-reflection is more than just the means and the end of self-examination and self-rectification; it is the path which leads to the consecration of self-realization.”

With my schedule a little more limited this week, I have decided to cut back to every-other day until I can work out the proper balance of time each day for all I have to accomplish. Hopefully I will be back to daily meditations once I can get my schedule under control.

I’ve been working on this project for around a month now, and the daily reflection has helped me to better understand my true nature. It’s funny, I was thinking about it before I even opened my laptop to find out today’s reflection; I have to say that at this point, I’m not terribly impressed. As much as I would like to say that I am doing so much for others since I began, I have truly just become more selfish than ever before.

Don’t get me wrong, I am doing more each day that benefits others, but I am not doing it solely for the benefit of those others. I am really doing it for me; I do nice things so that people will acknowledge me and tell me how wonderful I am. And when I don’t get my way…well, let’s just say I’m not a very nice person when I don’t get my way. That’s not to say that I throw a fit or beat the crap out of people; I’m more subtle than that.

This project was supposed to help me find balance, and I suppose it’s working grandly, as I am far more accepting of who I am compared to how accepting I was a month ago when this all began.

I can’t say whether or not I will truly become a better person when this is all said and done, but I do know that I will know exactly who I am and what I am capable of.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Six

2012-01-10T22:12:00.000-08:00

“True happiness comes with the realization of one’s true nature and identity.”

I needed a few days off to reflect on where I truly am in my life right now. Things have been up and down (mostly down) this year, and I needed to take a step back and get some perspective. I realized that part of the reason I’m unhappy is because I’m holding onto old ideas and dreams that aren’t my own. Some are from my family, others from past failures in an attempt to find love, and others still are from friends. My eyes are more open now than ever before, and with that comes the ability to see that some things either need to be put on the back-burner for a while, or thrown out altogether.

Some projects that were precious to me are getting tossed out. It’s time to start anew. The reason I’m starting over now is because I’m finding out what I enjoy. I am accepting things that – in the past – I didn’t like about myself. But the reason I didn’t like these things is because someone else said it was wrong for me to be a certain way, or like certain things, or think certain thoughts. Well guess what? It’s my life, and no one can dictate what I can and cannot do except me. I’m not talking about breaking laws here; I’m just talking about being myself and being ok with who I am.

Part of this process is breaking down the barriers that I’ve worked so hard to put up around myself. Unfortunately, the raw emotions those barriers used to keep out is flooding into my soul at a rather alarming rate. The emotions are completely overwhelming part of the time, and I find myself only able to cry. As I learn the driving force behind each emotion, I am able to gain a bit of control over it. Slowly, I am opening myself up as well as discovering who I am. And so far I have discovered that I may not be the person everyone wants me to be, but I am the best me I can be (and getting better by the day)…which is something I am happy with.

Finding your true self is not something that just happens. It takes time and effort; but it is worth everything you put into it and more.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Five

2012-01-06T22:05:00.001-08:00

“Peace that arises from compassion pacifies fear just as water puts out fire.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: we’re back on compassion AGAIN? Of course we are. I know I realized it long before today, but all of the lessons eventually tie back into each other. I’m a bit on the sick side tonight, so I’m going to make it as brief as I can (so I can crawl into bed and go to sleep).

Compassion is a wonderful thing. It’s magical in its own right, really. So it makes sense to say that peace that is brought about by an act of compassion will help negate a person’s fears (or the fears of many people). Let’s take a random selfless act: my daughter’s Girl Scout troop collects food donations for a local family who isn’t able to make the ends meet. That is a great act of compassion, and the fears of that family will be silenced – at least for a time – which will bring about a less stressful time for the parents (which will, in turn, bring about a sense of peace).

If you’re not following, it may be because my logic isn’t entirely sound when I have the flu. That is the best way I could describe it at the moment, and even if you don’t know what I mean, at least I know. That’s it for now, as I’m being overcome by sleep.

Goodnight and Blessed Be.

Day Twenty-Four

2012-01-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

“Innocence is a state of holiness which comes with the clarity of inner peace. Without the presence of inner peace, there can be no reality. Thus love without innocence is not real. It is just another hybrid fear imbued with the emotional colouring of fantasy.”

This explains why none of my relationships have worked out. I haven’t really felt the sense of inner peace while in a relationship since I was a teenager. There was a time I saw love with the purity and innocence of youth. After several failed attempts at relationships, the inner peace and innocence abandoned me…or perhaps I abandoned them.

Either way, it’s been a while. I’m not sure if innocence and inner peace determine whether or not love is real. Perhaps the word ‘innocence’ here does not necessarily mean the innocence of childhood; it could mean a spiritual innocence. What do I mean by ‘spiritual innocence’? Think of it as a purification of the soul. Again, this is not as sudden as a light coming on when you flip a switch; spiritual innocence is like spring cleaning (it takes a while, but when you finish there is a sense of accomplishment, healthier living, and a feeling of freshness).

I am in the middle of such a cleansing. This cleansing will take months (if not years), and I am looking forward to the final purification. I know that it will take longer than this project, and I can also feel that something wonderful will happen when I’m done. Of course, it is more than just this self-improvement project, and it is more than the purification. This is something that I will continue until the day I die – like anything else in life that’s worth having, it will take a lot of work and be well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Three

2012-01-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

“Following the goodness of your inner self will ultimately reward you with more lasting joys and satisfaction than any amount of compensation from external sources through mundane means.”

We’ve all heard this one before: money doesn’t buy happiness. It sure can make life a little less stressful, though. No, I’m not about to start ranting about the economy or any of that crap. I’m not here for that. The economy has nothing to do with my personal spiritual journey.

So, back to what I was saying. Money can’t buy happiness. Know what can? Following your heart and doing your best. If you don’t do those things, yet you have money, you will have an empty existence that you are constantly trying to fill with material goods which mean nothing.

Not everyone can see this simple thing. My daughter can see it. She likes material possessions just fine, but she knows that there are more important things. For example, for the last three years, she has asked Santa to make sure everyone is happy. Not just her family and friends; she wants E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E to be happy. That’s what it’s all about (that’s right, it’s not about the Hokey Pokey anymore!).

It’s a slow process to change your mind set to one which is more optimistic and happier, but it is well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Two

2012-01-03T22:57:00.000-08:00

“Peace is the holy communion of Man and Universe.”

I’m pretty sure we’re not talking about global peace here. Inner peace can be such a wonderful thing. It’s not particularly easy to find, but it can be found.

I have problems meditating, so I didn’t really believe it was possible for me to find inner peace. I do remember being at peace several times during my life, however. One time while I was in the Navy, my ship was at sea; it was late, close to midnight, and I went topside for some fresh air. All I could hear were the waves sloshing against the ship; I could feel the gentle breeze through my hair and on my face; there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and I have never seen so many stars in the sky. It was just me at the rail, it was beautiful. The most amazing thing, though, was that I stood on the deck of a warship, feeling more at peace than I ever had before (or since).

I guess peace can sneak up on you when you least expect it. It recently snuck up on me in a very unexpected place – at the gym. I decided to start training for a marathon last week; while I was jogging on the treadmill and listening to my music, I just kinda lost myself in it. And while I was jogging, my mind cleared. All the crap that had been accumulating was pushed aside; all of my worries and my fears and my cares were gone. In their place was a sense of serenity and peace. It was amazing.

When that peace washes over me, I feel like everything will be alright. I feel as if I’m more than a tiny speck in the universe…it makes me feel like I belong here and that I’m part of it all. I hope you can all find something that brings you peace and tranquility.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty One

2012-01-02T23:07:00.000-08:00

“Without first taking note from the way how we respond to the world around us through repeated listening, repeated contemplation and repeated meditation, there can be no advancement in our spiritual growth, and without spiritual evolution, there can never be true happiness or peace of mind.”

Sometimes change seems easy and effortless. Other times, it can be the most difficult thing in the world. One of the ways I have changed lately is to really take in what people tell me, to listen more than I talk, and to show more respect to those around me. That was actually one of the easier things I’ve done.

This project is one of the more difficult tasks; things that create real change in your life always will be. I spend a little more time each day in meditation, reflecting not only on the day’s lesson, but also on the events of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that time; such as how many things have gone awry and how often everything seems to just fall apart at the most inconvenient times. However, I don’t regret anything that’s gone wrong in my life. Every step has led me to this moment, and with the changes that are happening, I can’t be upset about any of the bad things that’ve happened.

It’s slow progress, but I can feel the peace settling over me with each passing day. My mind is opening and so is my heart, and with those two things comes a happiness I haven’t known in a very long time.

Blessed Be.

Days Nineteen & Twenty

2012-01-01T21:46:00.000-08:00

“Keeping an open mind and open heart, replacing all judgment with compassion, and peace will surely follow.”

“Don’t under-estimate the power of cause and effect. We are solely responsible for the direction in which we wish to lead our lives.”

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s been a very eventful 48 hours. Some of it was good, some not so good, but very eventful. Since I was so busy with NYE festivities, I neglected my blog last night, so I’m including today’s lesson as well as yesterday’s lesson. Let me be perfectly clear on this point: I did not reflect on the lesson at all yesterday. I don’t feel bad about it, however, as I do not feel it has negatively impacted my overall progress.

Everyone can be judgmental sometimes. It’s just a fact of life. Because of some of my personal quirks and beliefs, I really do try to keep an open. Why? Because if I am open-minded and respect the ideas, beliefs, and lifestyle choices of others, there is a greater chance that they will extend the same courtesies to me.

As far as the open heart goes….I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit on the jaded side. It is difficult for me to open up to people because I am afraid of being hurt. Unfortunately, this thinking has led me to build a wall around my heart that will not allow anyone in. I’m working on slowly taking down my wall, since I know that it will cause more pain for me to remain distant than to allow people into my life. Not as easy a task as some may think, but I am working on it. I know some of you reading this may have done the same as me, and you feel safe with your hear barricaded from the world, but there is a flaw in the design. Your heart may be “safe” all blocked in, but it is also a lonely prison. The only person with the key is you, and it may be difficult and you may get hurt, but the alternative is to exist in an empty life; because that’s what a life without love – whether the love of friends and family, or that of a lover – cannot truly be lived.

Cause and effect is an interesting thing to watch. I have watched myself and others both reap the benefits of choices made, and suffer the consequences. Every action we make, every decision, everything we do; it all has an effect on the world around us. Don’t believe me? Try watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” sometime. I know that I sometimes think of what my life would be like if only one decision had been different. One pivotal moment, that one time something horrifyingly awful happens; what would life be like if I had made a decision that prevented that event instead of allowing it? My life would be drastically different right now, but I would have missed out on the greatest gift in my life – my daughter – as well as some of the best friends I’ve ever known.

Even the most insignificant actions have an effect. But it really is more than just my life that is effected by my decisions, my family and friends, my coworkers and customers, even complete strangers are effected daily by things I do. I’ve made mistakes in my life – we all have – but my mistakes have led me to this exact moment, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Know what they real key to peace and happiness? Don’t dwell on the past. Take responsibility for your actions, let go of your mistakes, forgive yourself, and move on with your life.

Blessed Be.

Day Eightteen

2011-12-30T22:36:00.001-08:00

“Peace comes about through the changes of our perspective of the worldview.”

Peace. It’s such a lovely ideal. I used to dream of a word in which peace was more common than war. I suppose I still do, but my mind no longer entertains the idea like it used to.

My perspective of peace changed a bit recently. When I was younger, I thought of peace on global terms, as if that was the only thing that mattered. World peace; it’s a little naive, and a lot impossible. There will always be someone who wants more, and that desire for more will escalate to ridiculous levels if people allow it to.

But peace can exist. Peace can exist within families and neighbors, community groups and local clubs. Through this peace, we learn acceptance, love, and respect for those around us. This mutual respect will breed a desire to help in whatever ways we are able, which will lead to cooperation, which leads to peace.

It’s too late for me to have deeper thoughts than this at the moment.

Blessed be.

Day Seventeen

2011-12-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

“Those who desire happiness by means of wayward abandonment will never find happiness.”

As much as I wish it were otherwise, my depression has wrapped its tentacles around my neck and is currently strangling all of the happiness, hope, and love out of me. I am fighting it as best I can, but since I refuse to be put on anti-depressants (the possible side-effects are worse than the depression) it is not a particularly easy task. So if today’s blog seems a little more down than usual, that is why.

Honestly, I don’t have the energy to figure out exactly what today’s lesson means. My mind is not in the mood to decipher. Instead, I will again relate what I have learned through personal experience. I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for things to get better. In spite of my depression, I consider myself a bit of an optimist. But I am always waiting for things to get better. As if I will just wake up one morning and all my trouble will be diminished; no more debt, no more depression, no more car trouble or relationship trouble or money problems. I will wake up one morning – without actually putting effort into my life – and I will have tons of friends and the perfect house and everything that goes along with it.

Obviously, that’s a big load of crap. I sit on my butt and hope things will ‘get better’, but I never do anything to actually make things better for myself (or anyone else). So many people are like that these days. We would all rather just wait for things to happen instead of taking chances to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. No one will ever be happy if we all just sit back and wait for ‘it’ to ‘happen’…because it never will.

People in my generation (and those younger than mine) are becoming lazy; perhaps not all of us, but a damn decent portion. Guess what people? If you want to be happy, you need to get off your ass and go make it happen. Take chances, take initiative, do more with your life than play video games and gossip about people. There’s a lot more to life than those things.

I don’t know about happiness, but I did manage to find a moment of peace recently. I went to one of the local parks and went for a walk. I watched the squirrels as they raced around the trees and listened to the ducks and the geese call to each other. It didn’t last long, but it was long enough for me to remember what’s really important in life; and what’s important is not my computer; or catching up with the latest episode of some TV show, or gossiping about celebrities.

Figure out what peace and happiness are, my friends. They may not be what you were expecting, but nothing ever is.

Blessed Be.

Day Sixteen

2011-12-28T21:46:00.000-08:00

“Inner peace does not come about through retreating from the world, but by functioning in the world without being shackled by the confines of self-centered desires.”

If this is true, I’m never finding inner peace. In all fairness, I’m not self-centered all the time, but it does take up a decent portion of my day. I have been a little less lately. Not really saying I’ve become a saint or anything like that, just little things. Like many others, I have a touch of OCD; a side effect of this is that I love numbers. I find math and number puzzles very soothing. So when I am feeling anxious or bored, I find a way to play with numbers. One of my favorite things to do along these lines is “What If” scenarios, in which I look at the lottery jackpot and plan what I would do with the money if I were to win.

Yesterday was one such day. I spent hours working on my spreadsheet. There are many things on the list that are just for me - such as a trip to England – but there are also things for others. I’ve always had listed to pay off my parents’ house and buy my sis one, but now I’m thinking bigger. I have specific dollar amounts listed to donate to local and international charities each month (should I someday win); I want to open a horse-therapy organization in my area (where people can come to learn self-confidence and independence); helping my friends realize their dreams. The list goes on, and (had I actually won last night) I am barely scratching the surface of what I could accomplish.

Yes, I know writing things like this down doesn’t prove I’m less self-centered, but the fact that I’m thinking of more than just myself and my immediate family shows me that I am making progress. It may not seem like much to those reading my blog, but it is a huge step to me.

Still haven’t quite made it to the “inner peace” level yet; I’m still pretty far off that mark. But it is nice to know someone as selfish as me can be changed by a little reflection.

That about wraps it up for tonight. Goodnight, and Blessed Be.

Day Fifteen

2011-12-27T22:55:00.000-08:00

“True happiness comes from within and has little bearing on the affectation of indifference to external sources.”

T’was another long, uneventful day. Don’t get me wrong, I was able to get a few things accomplished (like going to the gym and doing some cleaning around the house), but nothing really extraordinary happened today.

Today’s lesson almost sounds like it’s telling us that happiness comes from within and has nothing to do with the world around us. While I wholeheartedly agree with the first part, I cannot agree with the second. All of us are affected daily by the world around us and the actions of those who reside there.

As much as I would love to tell you that the only opinion that really matters to me is my own; that would be a lie. The opinions of others matter a great deal to me, which is why I dress the way I do, listen to the music I listen to, and make many of my daily decisions. What other people say and do affect us all; and one of the ways it can affect us is by altering our happiness. When a person insults me, it has a negative effect on my attitude. I could be on cloud nine, but I hear one bad comment and I’m suddenly so angry I could scream.

While the basis of happiness comes from within, outside influences can (and will) change one’s outlook. Don’t fret, however; we all choose what we do with the energy other people send our way. While I may not handle the negativity well, that doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. The world is what you make of it, and I guess that’s what really matters with today’s lesson.

I would continue my thoughts, but I’m suddenly overcome by a wave of sleepiness.

Goodnight, everyone. Blessed be.

Day Fourteen

2011-12-26T23:05:00.000-08:00

“All healthy relationships reflect the true nature of the universe - mutually supportive, yet entirely co-independent of any energy transgression.”

One of these days I’ll actually post this during the daytime. Until then, I will continue to procrastinate with my postings until it’s almost time for bed.

Today’s reflection is one that I prefer to practice. Unfortunately, none of my relationships have been healthy for long. There is a noticeable difference, however. It is such an amazing thing to be in a mutually supportive relationship – to get back what you give out is rare for many of the people I know. The trick is finding someone who is willing to put as much effort and love into the relationship as you do. Doesn’t sound too hard, does it? Should be easy, but it isn’t. Of course, I also believe there is a reason for the unhealthy relationships. Much like days where everything seems to go wrong, bad relationships serve an important purpose in our lives.

If everything in my life was good all the time, I would take the good for granted. I have bad days; days when I feel worthless and pathetic, but those days help me appreciate how wonderful the good days really are. Relationships are the same. If there aren’t bad relationships in my life, how would I really know how good I have it when I am finally in a healthy relationship? When I was younger, I was presented an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship – a wonderful man presented his heart to me on a silver platter. In my stupid vanity, I believed I could do better; my life would be drastically different today if I had not let him pass out of my life.

Enough of regrets. It’s too late to change the past, and I would not be who I am today – I would not have made a difference in so many lives – if I had chosen different. I know now what unhealthy relationships can be like, and I look forward to the day when I am in a healthy relationship for the long haul. Even in a healthy relationship, there are bad days, but the number of wonderful days will be that much more special.

Blessed Be.

Day Thirteen

2011-12-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

“In all relationships, avoid the embroilment of power struggle and hidden agenda which involves, either manipulating our partner into submission, or compromising yourself for the sake of sustaining a state of dependency.”

Merry Christmas (for those who celebrate)! For those who don’t, I still hope you had a wonderful day. Today was a long day for me, but not in a bad way.

As with yesterday, I haven’t had a lot of time to contemplate the lesson today. Though, I don’t know that ‘lesson’ is the right word. In a way it is a lesson I have already learned, but one I never really had words for. Today it’s more of a drop of wisdom.

Today’s drop of wisdom describes at least my last five relationships. I’ve been on both sides of the dial on this one, but all of them were the same power struggle. All ended the same way: with hearts (and sometimes spirits) broken. Granted, not every relationship is “meant to be”, but when a power struggle exists between two people, things rarely end well for both parties.

Of course, this is true for all relationships, not just romantic ones. I am usually on the ‘dependency’ side when it comes to friendships. For any relationship to last, both people need to be willing to give sometimes; to make sacrifices; there must be compromise between all involved. If these things do not exist, the relationship is not a healthy one.

When I say ‘healthy’, that doesn’t mean that things are rainbows and butterflies every day – if it is, one (or both) of you is living in a world of pure delusion. Family, friends, and lovers – all argue sometimes. Everyone has disagreements, sometimes you may even go extended periods of time before talking to each other again, but that’s all part of having relationships. We learn and grow through adversity and being pushed to our limits, not by sitting back and letting life pass us by.

I just realized that I don’t write much about my spiritual experiences and practices. With the title of my blog, most people would presume it had something to do with Witchcraft or Paganism. While that is my intention, I do not feel that is possible at the moment. I am not in a great place personally, and I feel the need for some growth and reflection before I am able to move forward spiritually. Please bear with my through this process, you may learn something about yourself as well.

Blessed be.

Day Twelve

2011-12-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

“By extending our love to the nurturing of someone else other than ourselves without any condition of strings, our capacity to love as a human being expands further and elevates us to a higher level of infinite consciousness.”

It has been an utterly exhausting day. It is currently 11:30pm; I’ve been awake since 8:15am, and have been running errands, cooking, cleaning, attempting to socialize, being forced to endure the preaching at my parents’ church, and so many other things that I haven’t had a chance to breath today. I’m all ready for bed, but I wanted to make sure I finished today’s reflection before I pass out.

At this point in my life, strings are just part of the package. If I am going to love and nurture someone, I at least expect a little gratitude. At least. I prefer to be repaid in loving kindness. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Sometimes people take advantage of those who love unconditionally and without expectation (I know, as I’m usually the one doing the loving), and those people are just out to use those who will love them and care for them.

Even though I’m a bit jaded at this point, it is still possible for me to be a little less selfish. Take tonight, for example. I had absolutely no desire to go to church with my family and be preached at and forced to sing songs about a savior I do not believe in. However, there is more to life than just me, and it meant a lot to my parents that I went with them (and the rest of the family). I didn’t expect anything as payment, I went to make my parents smile.

Sometimes that’s all we really need in life, just a reason to smile. So today, I hope everyone can find a reason to smile; but even if you can’t, it would be nice if you could be someone’s reason to smile.

Day Eleven

2011-12-23T23:12:00.000-08:00

“It is not because relationships are trying that we do not dare to love; it is because we do not dare to love with an open heart and pure intent that relationships are trying.”

There is a very unfair catch to this particular lesson. If I love with an open heart and have pure intent, the relationship may still be trying. Do you know why? Because the person I’m in love with isn’t necessarily doing the same. If one person is giving all they have to a relationship and they are being open and honest, but the other person isn’t; the relationship will likely fail.

I was speaking to my sister today about this. She had this to say, “Unconditional love is something I give to my family and friends. And pets. My love is not freely given.”

At first, this seemed harsh, but then I realized that there are reasons for that. The first of which is that she’s never been in love. The second is that she has watched me through the years; she has seen me love unconditionally many times and each time she has seen me hurt by the one who claimed to love me in return.

I, on the other hand, believe unconditional love is possible. But no one is perfect. We all screw up sometimes, so we must be able to forgive those we love for doing stupid things that hurt us, and they must be able to forgive us as well. Relationships (of all kinds) take work. Romantic relationships, families, friendships, and even our personal relationship with our deities; they all take work, and they can all be trying.

Our lives are like a garden; we must protect the plants (relationships) when they are new, nurture them as they grow; we must be able to see which plants are not going to make it, and which ones should not have been allowed in the garden in the first place. The weeds must be removed to allow the rest of the garden a chance to thrive. But there is more to it than that. There are some plants that mean the world to us, but that will not last long, such as seasonal flowers. These plants cannot remain in our garden forever (no matter how much we wish they could), and they will eventually die and need to be removed. If you do not remove these dead plants (relationships) to make room your garden will not flourish; you will miss the one plant so much that you neglect the others, and soon they will all die.

Cheers to those of you who tend your gardens well. I have neglected mine for too many years, but I am working on making it beautiful again.

Day Ten

2011-12-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

“Openness attracts openness. Sincerity and truthfulness are the foundations of authentic relationship; whereas fear, the sign of obscuration, is its biggest foe.”

As much as I would love to say that I’m open with everyone, I’m really not; which is something I found out today even before I read the day’s lesson. I overheard my parents having a conversation about me this morning. I won’t go into detail, but they’re getting irritated with me, and will talk to each other about it, but not to me. In all fairness, I had plenty of opportunities today to bring up the subject, but I didn’t. It was just easier to let things go unsaid.

Needless to say, I don’t really have a good relationship with my parents at this point in my life. It’s a work in progress. There is a reason I’m not open with my parents. I have done a lot over my lifetime which my parents were not pleased with (sometimes even to the point of being a major disappointment), and since I’m currently stuck living with them, I really don’t want to do anything to offend them or disappoint them more than I have. Instead, I go through life quiet as a mouse, hoping to sneak by without a squeak so as not to upset the delicate balance of life in the house.

Obviously, this fear I have of upsetting my parents is killing the relationship, but I’m too afraid to tell them what’s really been going on…at least, not yet. I don’t want to ruin the holidays (and what little freedom I have). I will wait until next year to talk to them about the situation that’s been upsetting them.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Now that I’ve given an example of a bad relationship based on fear, let’s balance it out with an open relationship. My best friend (who happens to be male) and I can talk about anything. I’m not just saying that, we really can, and do, talk about everything. I talk to him about my cycle and the terrible cramps which accompany it; he tells me about his sexual escapades. There are no borders and no rules (except honesty and an open mind). Though we are different religions, we even help each other develop spiritually. It is wonderful to have this type of connection with someone that is based on truth, love, and trust, and to know that there is no judgment between us.

My soul is happy with what I’ve learned today. Everyone has had at least one relationship which is based on fear instead of love and truth. At this point, I am going to try to fix my broken relationship with my parents. It’s going to take a fair amount of work, but I’m more than willing to pit in the time and effort. My parents are worth it. I will go at it one relationship at a time, and I won’t stop until I’ve fixed them all.

Blessed Yule, and goodnight.

Day Nine

2011-12-21T22:15:00.000-08:00

“Without the true interaction of sincerity and loving kindness, no relationship can be deemed authentic.”

I’m not feeling myself tonight, so I’m going to make this one short. This is not exclusive to romantic relationships. Sincerity and kindness are essential to any relationship, but they are not the only essentials. Truth is another big one. I would rather have someone be truthful and it hurt my feelings a bit than lie to me and spare me the pain. Why? Because the truth will eventually come out, and the pain will be at least two-fold (the pain of truth, and the pain of someone who was trusted lying to me).

This is beginning to feel like more of a rant than a spiritual journey (which is what I had intended it to be). As will all true progress, this is going at a snail’s pace. I can feel a slight difference now from when I began, but I can’t feel the difference day-to-day. Every day I feel myself caring more and helping more. There are times (already) when I just want to trash to project and keep going the way I have been for years, but I know that there is a purpose for the project. And I get this feeling – a slight twitching in my intuition – something I’ve been looking forward to for years (something I’ve REALLY wanted) will happen if I finish. It may sound selfish, but I am doing this for me and not for everyone else. While it’s true that others will benefit from my being a better person, I am doing this for my, first and foremost.

Enough for tonight, I need to get to bed before I fall asleep on my laptop. Goodnight, all. Have a lovely day.

Day Eight

2011-12-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

“We could not begin to love another person unless we are capable of loving ourselves.”

I know today’s lesson all too well. Not only have I been in relationships where the other person does not love himself (and, therefore, cannot truly love me), I have also been in relationships in which I was the one who did not love myself.

A lot of people get this one wrong. With all of the ads today showing off how beautiful everyone should be; it is no wonder that loving myself is such a problem. Do I love myself? Sometimes I think I do, other times, not so much. Books, television, movies, magazines; there are countless things in the world telling me to look younger, or be thinner, or to have bigger boobs. But you know what? I don’t want to look younger; there is nothing wrong with the age I’m at now. I don’t want to look like a super model; they all look like they could use some real food in their diets. I’m happy with my figure, and I know that I am beautiful – not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. And on the inside is where the beautiful truly matters.

It took me a long time to get to this point. I realized as I was writing this that I do love myself. That doesn’t mean I think I am perfect, I know there is room for improvement, but I also know that I am fine just the way I am at this very moment.

When I was younger, I didn’t really love myself. I was vain and shallow and selfish. I suppose I still am all of those things, just in smaller quantities. Many experiences in the past 13 years have taught me that there is more to life than looks and money. It is greater to love than anything else. With this thought in mind, I would like to point out a flip side to today’s lesson: No one can truly love you who does not love himself.

That’s right; if you’re in a relationship with someone who does not love him (or her) self, that person cannot truly love you. And I do not mean someone who is so taken by his reflection that all he cares about is looks (and that’s all he will care about in the end), I’m talking about someone who has a good heart and can accept his personal flaws; that person will not see you for your looks. That person will see all there is to see about you – both the good and the bad – and love you for all of it. Someone who does not love himself will see his flaws in you and secretly (or openly) resent you for them.

Got off on a bit of a rant there, but at least I know I have thoroughly soaked in today’s lesson. I am able to truly love others because I can truly love myself. Anyone who says they can love, but whom does not love himself, is not really capable of that love you so desire.

Day Seven

2011-12-19T22:34:00.000-08:00

“One’s compassion for others is feeble until one has mastered compassion through the discipline of harmonizing one’s body, speech and mind.”

It has become apparent to me that my project is having an effect on other people, as well as myself. How do I know? If the events of today had happened two weeks ago, they would have been handled in a very different manner. I had someone from my past contact me today because he wants to talk. Two weeks ago I would have told him to piss off and leave me alone, but as I am trying to be more compassionate when it comes to the suffering of others, I will be contacting him tomorrow.

So, onto today’s lesson; well, I’m working on it. I have had a sharp tongue for well over a decade, and I am a little jaded from several events which have transpired over the course of my adult life. With that in mind, I’m sure my loyal readers can understand that it is difficult to keep the first words out of my mouth from being snarky and sarcastic, but I am working on it.

To answer a concern addressed a couple days ago; I am not trying to make myself perfect. I have no desire to be the type of person who make everyone else look bad by being so absolutely wonderful all the time. What I am trying to do is become the person I have always wanted to be. I want to be someone who takes time out of my day to help others (whether by helping to change a flat tire or buying someone food who doesn’t have any, or helping a friend with a project that can change her life for the better). I want to be that person, and it is going to take a lot of work for me to get there, but I am willing to put in the necessary hours.

I would write more about my journey tonight, but I have a friend who is about to hit a rough patch and I will be sending him all of the loving energy I can spare to help him get through as smoothly as possible. Goodnight, all.

Day Six

2011-12-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

“To extend loving kindness and compassion without condition is the definitive action of benevolence.”

Today was a crash day. That’s what I call it when all of the negative emotions I have been suppressing come crashing through my barriers and overwhelm me all at once. I woke up far earlier than I should have, completely convinced that I was the most hated human on the planet. Of course, I know this isn’t true and after a few hours of tears and reflection I was able to convince myself of this.

I was not alone in my endeavor. I had a few dear friends share some encouraging thoughts and words, and even though I was still crying, it was good to know that I ~~was~~ am loved and that I have good friends who are there for me when I need them. To my, these friends embody today’s lesson. One friend in particular – yes, I know you’re reading this and you know exactly who you are – has shown such kindness and compassion that nothing I do will ever be enough to thank her. Yet she expects nothing in return (aside from my friendship, which I willingly give).

Unconditional love is a funny thing. I have loved unconditionally before; recently, in fact. Do you know what I got from giving this unconditional love? Five years of lies, deceit, and being used. I believe that extending love, kindness, and compassion is a wonderful thing, and people who are able to do so have an amazing gift. However, it has been pointed out to me that while it is important to show others love and compassion, it is equally important to show yourself some as well.

This confused me a bit at first, but then as I thought on it, it really set in. If I were to use all of my energy in one single day being kind to others and being completely selfless, I’m sure people would think I was a great person. But if I did that, I would have no energy left for myself and could end up very sick (I have had it happen on several occasions). From personal experience, the average cold will last 2-3 days. So if I give my all to others for one day, I will have to be selfish for 2-3 in order to recover, but if I save a little love and kindness for myself (translation – if I take care of others AND take care of myself), I will be giving a little less each day, but I will be able to share more of the love that I have to give because I will not be spending so much of my time trying to recover.

What I gleaned from today’s lesson is this: showing compassion and kindness to others, without expecting payment for your deeds, is one of the most noble things you can do for others and yourself.

Day Five

2011-12-17T22:17:00.000-08:00

“True compassion comes about as the result of the awakening of our true nature that is accompanied by the lucidity of pure consciousness and the direct experiences of emptiness as the nature of reality.”

To be honest, I haven’t really had time today to do anything other than shop and wrap presents. It is only now, as I am getting ready to go to bed, that I have even had time to look at today’s lesson. But since I have committed myself to this project, I refuse to let one day pass that I do not take at least a little time to contemplate the daily lesson, and write about my thoughts and experiences.

I have never been a big fan of reality. Reality is cold and harsh and filled with unhappiness and sorrow. The good thing about reality is that it only takes a slight shift to bring a little light into someone’s world. When it comes to showing compassion, I have always favored the innocent as more deserving; not that I believe adults should be allowed to suffer, just that I believed children to be more in need of the compassion. With that train of thought in mind, my friend and I picked a child from a local angel tree to buy gifts for this year. It wasn’t much, some clothes and a few toys, but it makes us smile knowing that that one little girl will have a happier Christmas morning because we were able to donate a little thought, a little time, and a little money.

As a generalization, most people feel more willing to give and show compassion during the holidays. Almost everyone I know is willing to donate food, blankets, warm clothes, toys, and many other things. But what of the rest of the year? There are people who suffer and are sad every day of the year. Most of us, though, would rather not think about such things all year long. The people who are truly compassionate, however, coordinate food donations and help out is so many other ways all year long.

If I am to become a truly compassionate person, I need to open my eyes to the world around me; to see the bad along with the good, and I need to care enough to do something about it. If one in twenty people were to wake up tomorrow and decide that they want to make a positive difference in the world, we could start a powerful movement of caring, compassion, and peace. Maybe it won’t happen today, but I for one would be happy to see it happen sometime during my lifetime.

Day Four

2011-12-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

“Love is the motive, the will, and the power source that propels every single human desire into fruition. So be mindful to maintain pure intent in all things we undertake.”

When I told a friend today about this project, he told me he was worried about me and made me promise not to overextend myself. With the holidays so close, work has slowed down, I just finished finals for my classes, and all of the groups I belong to are taking a break until at least a week after the New Year; I didn’t understand where he thought I would be overextending anything. He explained that self-improvement is a big project, bigger than most realize. I love my friends, but this one in particular, he is my best friend.

Family and friends are very important to me. I was lucky enough to be raised by wonderful parents, and be part of a loving and supportive family. Because of that, I sometimes forget that not everyone has been so fortunate. Not everyone is from a loving family, and not everyone can count on their friends for help when things get rough. It is not only me who is able to rely on my family and friends; they can rely on me as well. I can’t always help as much as I would like to, but I help in any way I can.

What motivates me to help these people (and them me)? Love. Love is the driving force behind my actions when it comes to my family and friends. It is one of the most powerful forces in the world, and yet it is also one of the most fragile (as well as the one most taken for granted). Most people I know love their family and friends; not all, but most. We are all pre-programed to love those who are closest to us. But what of those we do not know? Those people we see every day, but do not know. So many of us just ignore these people and go on with our day. I see many people every day who are suffering. I can see it in their eyes, their posture, and their movements.

While I was out today running errands, I did an experiment. As I walked through the grocery store or the Post Office, I smiled; such a simple thing to do. I smiled at the clerks who helped me and every person I passed. Almost everyone smiled back. Why did I do this? Because this morning I realized that I wanted to do something nice for everyone I saw today. For once there was no ulterior motive, I just wanted to brighten someone’s day, I while not all of the smiles were genuine, I could tell that at least a few people were glad to see a smiling face.

In today’s lesson and reflection, I learned that love, kindness, and happiness are infectious, and that doing kindness for others is also doing kindness for me. I didn’t get anything monetarily from my smile experiment, but every smile that was returned warmed my heart, as I’m sure my smile warmed the hearts of others.