Confessions of a Free Mind

A new Publication

2023-01-02T01:49:00.001-08:00

My New poetry Chapbook is now available on Kindle ... Verses for the Underdog. Check it out : https://a.co/d/3gjiKN8

Bastard Tongues

2022-12-06T04:24:00.000-08:00

You can buy in digital format our illustrated poetry collection On Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/dp/B07JZVCL8L here is also a sneak peek for you poetry lovers : https://www.instagram.com/reel/Clb7WWcDKsn/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Wild horses don’t cry

2022-09-30T05:54:00.002-07:00

Wild horses don’t get sad

Wild horses are broken

Untamed the heart is tired

Of fighting soulless demons

The past that sticks to your back

Screeches like an evil witch drowning in holy water

She thrusts her dirty sharp nails into your lungs

You gasp for breath but can keep none in.

This is not sadness

This is what all warriors feel

When they finally understand that the enemy will never lose

Life in itself is a lost battle.

النساء بين المنظومة الذكورية و الخطاب الديني

2022-05-25T06:24:00.000-07:00

النساء بين المنظومة الذكورية و الخطاب الديني: بين الماضي والحاضر: كتبت مها حسن الكاتبة والناشطة السورية تقول تحت عنوان ثورات النساء في ظل الربيع العربي: هل حان الوقت؟: النساء نفسها خاسرة في السلم…

Announcement for alternative platforms. لمتابعتنا على منصات أخرى

2022-03-17T05:34:00.005-07:00

For Humanitarian related pieces follow our Ensanya blog

For a more interactive content you can find us on the following platforms:

Facebook , Instagram , Music , YouTube

ّر يفشل

No Need

2020-03-02T01:04:00.001-08:00

There is so much peace in Love,

in the reassurance that your heart beats in tune

with another's

not the rush of sugar,
but the slow dripping of honey

The eyes, it's all in the eyes

I know you like the lines

of my hand, you know me...

intimacy becomes a dull exercise

can we get any closer

without being glued ...

what a treat, we live apart and we meet

like the night and the day

like June starts with may...

May...

clean like the tears that you spill

when you think I don't see

you're my sea.

away from their lies

I grow strong

with you by my side

even my strides become long

what a treat when we meet

Those who'll never know this fire

scream desire, but in hell

ours makes the heavens sweat

they will never know

that you haven't touched me yet...

yet I know... how it feels

can we wait longer still

can we love and stand still

only Love brings you peace.

what did I do to deserve you

battling armies of snakes

and reptiles
head held high
you my gentleman gentle man

you know I don't need you, I can't

but how I want you... no one can understand
the warmth we spread when we stand hand in hand
you make me want to tell stories...
you make me sing...
you laugh and say I am a queen
a haughty one,
I know that one, the ice that can cover my eyes
just like I know you are my king
you are my king ...

Dima EL SAYED

At the Arab Art Fair

2019-07-28T14:58:00.001-07:00

Last 12-13-14 July 019

I participated in the first Arab Art Fair in Beirut.

I was represented by three of my paintings.

These acrylics on canvas were selected from my collection :

Disobedience

Musa, Disobedience and Rise of the Fallen

Easy by Dima EL SAYED

2019-06-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

2019-04-08T02:50:00.002-07:00

Our single with the great Bansuri player and composer Sameer Inamdar

How soft is the heart...

Blind

2019-03-27T04:25:00.006-07:00

If you have to be envious
be so of the rain
it remains nearly straight in its fall
close to silent in its whispers
as if invisible yet seen
a sum of drops that act like one
...barely touching

a lonely bird cruises the sky
you think it seems lost and pitiful
the only one you're really seeing
is your shadow on a dirty glass

Dima EL SAYED

Rat Life

2018-10-12T11:30:00.002-07:00

Lust for money, power, sex, food or drugs ...

run little rat run in your big little wheel 

run until your joints hurt

your back breaks 

your sobs fill in that tiny space 

but God forbid you take the moment 

to stop running and look beyond

behind the bars of your fake cell 

squeaking under your stiffened weight...

There is abundance everywhere

free sunlight and kisses 

children that are missing your hug 

music the trees play just for you 

challenges that can be 

overcome only by two 

The joy you seek is what you kill 

confusing fear with your free will 

O Obedient rat... it's too late now 

I know you cannot hear me 

I pray that when your wheel stops turning 

your heart does not break .

Shrink it

2018-09-29T01:09:00.002-07:00

In sleep, I often allow my brain to pick up on some theories that I was slow to understand , an explanation to why people act the way they act that eludes me... the need to know the why of things  comes to you in your sleep when you let go. 

Today I woke up to this very simple thought that I was trying for so long to get a hold of: Emotional pain/hurt  spreads- You can actually catch a pain that was not yours, you can transmit it and infect others. A woman who allows emotional pain to get hold of her will inflict it on people around her- her man , her kids... and so on. A Man, who allows pain to control his actions often inflicts it on all his relationships too , for example we all have heard of the theory that women suffer at the hands of a man who was actually hurt by one sick woman - usually his first . Be that as it may, this is no fatality. A man, or a woman, choses everyday to carry on their pain and spread it around. If someone hurt you, you have the choice to recognize the hurt, feel it, discuss it, get over it slowly but steadily, or to let it control you, affect the way you see the other sex and replicate it ad nauseam ad infinitum. You have the choice to see in all your partners the one partner that hurt you and miss the chance to really see them for all they are and they can be and all the beautiful things you can create and achieve together. Many years ago a male friend of mine was having an issue with the woman he was falling for, he asked me if I thought he should cheat... don't ask me why he thought it would be the way to deal with the issue - that's another story. But I remember telling him that he was stupid and that he simply needs to talk and deal with the pain his woman was experiencing without allowing it to spread to him. I often tell this story to myself because it has a happy ending the guy has a beautiful family now and his kids are thriving. Had my friend chosen the react to the hurt the easy way, he would have lost the chance to build a family and experience life as it should be experienced, in lightness and joy.

 It is up to you to control the way a person's negative actions affect your feelings. It is up to you to deal with people who try to inflict pain on you by being direct and honest with yourself and with your surrounding. By accepting the pain of the first blow knowing that your ego is made of sterner stuff and that you can stop the hurt there simply by not inflicting this pain on others- the unaware, who came into your life with a low emotional immunity and their own set of vulnerabilities. 

Sadly, people who are deeply affected by hurt are the most sensitive. This is why when they spread the pain they not only keep on carrying it, they also open themselves to another pain they will have to deal with, when they wake up from their revenge trips: Guilt- the guilt of hurting someone who did not ask for it or deserve it. 

It is your choice to face your past and admit that you made mistakes and that some people managed to get under your skin and hurt you, it is your choice to give new people the chance to see you for who you really are and give yourself the chance to open your heart to all possibilities. Including the one to be hurt... after all it is only by fire that your real metal shows. 

Dima EL SAYED

the Secret Ocean

2018-06-30T13:20:00.002-07:00

Do not trust the wave that pulls you down
Nore the one that lifts you up
Breath deeply through the water
That roars in your ears
Breathe

even when the very wind
is knocked out of your lazy corpse
Move your arms in forceful dance
Let painful joints scream
At your long imposed transe
The ocean you fear you hold within
The shore is close under your feet
You will touch it when you stand up
Breathe

DS

Warm snow

2018-06-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

-->

- Woman, Go to bed!!!!

yawning she rubbed her eyes. Whatever was left of her mascara and eyeliner made her look like a panda. she raised her head and said to his shadow : "a couch is better than a bed. Everybody knows that. "

She looked a mess he thought to himself, sighing. The problem is he liked it when she looked like a mess.

-a couch is made for sitting, a bed is made for sleeping… oh ! no no no you are not going to google « couch » and « bed » we have had this discussion before!

- But, but … bedrooms are boring. They are so …final. So closed. And the dressings remind me of coffins… Also i hate mirrors…

- Great, he slapped his thigh, is there anything you like about our bedroom ?

She looked at him and smiled : « you ». and before he could smile back she said : « but I like you better here, you look cuter in the yellow light . »

- fine …suit yourself I am going to bed

- now ???? it’s still early !

- i am tired and have a long day tomororow .

- Are we having sex ?

He rolled his eyes …

- So no sex and no couch… I think we need to discuss our future together , she joked.

She took her blanket fished for her slippers and as usual could not find them and then hopped behind him towards the bedroom. she didnt like beds… but she loved sleeping next to him. Oh crap she still had to wash her face and change her bra… she wanted to be there when he started drifting away she enjoyed the battle he waged against his very busy mind and his tired body … he rarely relaxed. He was waiting for her. She hurried she wanted to have a fight about keeping the lights on… He got her a collection of poems for her birthday. he said he liked that she liked cheap gifts. but she knew he asked her friends about her favorite writers...

-are you happy ?

his question was so sudden it felt like a punch.

- hein ?

- are you happy ? with our life together are you happy ?

she knew this look… he was serious. he looked at her like this when she hurt him for the first time. It nearly broke her heart.

All lightness left her tired body and she searched his eyes alert.

- What is wrong, papi…( she made fun of the way he walked like old men sometimes and started calling him papi) something is wrong.

- I just want to know if you are happy

- Why ? Are you not happy ?

- I am. but … you … you never seem …settled. I want to know if you are happy

- You want to know how I feel ?

- Yes

Long silence. This was her papi and he clearly was troubled. Was she happy ? sometimes yes…

- No, I don’t feel happy all the time.

He looked upset. She nearly cried.

- But I don’t want to feel happy all the time. I want to feel challenged, and needed and needy and upset and happy and hopeful and sad and creative most of all…

- But, are you satisfied with our life together ?

- What do you think ?

-…

Oh my God, this was a disaster. He really did not know …

She smiled : « papi… I chose you » palm on her chest she added : « I am content. »

He kept looking at her face… she was too afraid to touch him at this point…

- I mean you are a selfish pompous ass but then I let you be my selfish pompous ass and Stop looking at me like this… I dont want to cry. then my nose will drip and you will think am a mess…

At that He laughed : you are a mess…

- Shut up

- You shut up

- I’’ keep the lights on all night

- I’ ll kick you out of bed

- I’ll sleep on the couch

- I’ll burn the couch

- Ha !You won’t its expensive…

- You crazy woman I can see this twinkle in your eye, you want me to burn the couch

- no I want you to be sometimes as crazy as I am… it’s like holding a warm snowball in my hand

- you are crazy

- Yep but you Love me

- Do I ?

- Papi … bonne nuit.

The Offer

2018-06-18T09:13:00.003-07:00

She texted him.

He answered.

They met for coffee.

She had her red sweater on and a double hair bun. He looked the same. A bit plumper maybe

-“We have known each other for 10 years today”, He said pulling a chair for himself, smilingly raising his hand as the waiter approached.

- Really? Ten years?

He seemed disappointed that she did not remember. So he feigned confusion:

- I think… yes.

She had trouble caring about time and distance. He did not know that.

He had gotten her gifts, like he used to. She brought him nothing. She thought about it but decided against the gesture.

She said so. He said it was fine gave her a MontBlanc stylo. She refused

- I can’t. This is too much

- You can. I am making good money now, let us enjoy.

- Thank you but no. The book is great though.

- “We look good together”, he said looking at people around them as if seeing through their eyes. “You have changed. you are calmer, it suits you and red suits you.”

- Thank you. I am just tired.

- Calmer, more mature. Why tired?

- Tell me about your book.

- Finished (his joy was palpable) It took me ages and I put on so much weight as you can see but I did it.

She smiled, remembering how often he used to talk about his book.

- Really happy for you …and I confess a bit jealous. I haven’t written in ages”

- You will get back to it. I can help you.

She stopped listening to him, the smoke of his cigarette was weaving flowers between the branches of the tree they were sitting under. She had stopped smoking and sometimes she missed the magic of it, an excuse for public heavy breathing.

- I am looking for a wife now.

That brought her back to reality and she laughed: “a wife and a car?”

- yes, he said ,and a car!

She laughed again.

- I am not being funny- he was smiling though- I wonder how would people in here react if I went ahead and kissed you in the middle of this silly café.

- …

- You know no one gets you like I do. You want books, I have all the books you need. You want space to paint… you can have your own space in my house, What else would you need.

- …

- Don’t tell me you still expect Love. It does not exist. At my age I know believe me. No one is irreplaceable. Love lasts up to 1000 copulations. And then boredom… fini

- You always thought you had all the answers, yet here you are … alone. People have been writing about, trying to understand, dreaming of, praying for Love for millennia yet you still think you can say it’s just a thousand shags.

she thought of saying more but chose to laugh instead. That’s when she missed cigarettes most… filling awkward silences.

He sipped his coffee. “What are you reading these days?”

-Clouds mainly… I am painting and some philosophy (the change of topic was welcomed)

- You are beautiful… you hide it well though

- Thank you… I guess. what brought the topic of my beauty or lack thereof up? Marriage ?

- no just an observation, the light on your face… Marry me

- No thank you. I am looking for more.

- There is nothing more.

-Then I am looking for nothing… or everything. Also you do not deserve me.

- Damn it. Who said I should deserve you.

- I did. I do. You don’t deserve me.

- is it because I left or the affair ?... you were not there you know… you were never there.

- It is because you are asking this question and blaming me

- You changed

- Not really… but by the time I recovered my voice you had left, so you never got to hear what I had to say.

She shrugged.

- You know in this country you will not find a lot of people you can talk to. No one likes a woman who writes and reads and if they forgive you this they will never forgive your lack of interest in appearances and your excessive pride. You will not even find anyone to talk to.

- Then I shall learn to keep silent.

He sighed…

-Finding Love and Silence, you against the world

- Finding Love in Silence, The World and I .

Bon Appetit

2018-06-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

-->

She could not see him.
She knew he was in the room she could hear laughter, fake polite laughter reverberating through the walls of the lightless room.

A couple of women purring in heat and stretching in a clear sign of the hunt to come… the smell of nothing, a concerning lack of fresh air and she could not see him anymore.

She knew his eyes would be searching for her. He would be flirting lightly to get her attention his shoulders would have drooped by now waiting for a reaction that wouldn’t come.

she knew he would frown if she told him how she hated the furniture in this room and how her skin crawled when these women in heat bombarded her with questions about her personal life and touched her arm… she was aware that people thought her cold but she had a hiyena-dar that she trusted and this was not going to change…

He thought she didn ‘t want to look at him the truth was she could not see him… not anymore.

The noise was so low in that room it was deafening and she could not see …

This was not the first time her eyes fail her. They have been betraying her for months now, on unexpected occasions. Suddenly things seemed to melt into the background and became no-things, but he was always the last to fade away. Maybe because when she looked at him all of her senses were engaged…eyesight was secondary in the process. His Spleen engulfed her as if it was her own, and his silly joys made her giggle. His mistakes upset her fiercely and she would lash at him like an angry lioness... He would feel bad, but not fast enough or deep enough.

Last week at the doctor’s, she waited alone. She usually told her friends of her troubles, not him. He got angry when she did not share, forgetting that he did the same. It’s hard to care for people deeply. Your vulnerabilities are multiplied your skin gets thinner as it stretches to encompass the world… and it takes you ages to learn the supra human strength that hides under this vulnerability.

She waited. The doctor was nice enough. She complimented her on her glasses and they discussed frames and face shapes. Her eyes were deeply probed and then there were questions about her life, her work her stress… she answered automatically looking at the blinking light of her phone. They were still en froid but she had to leave the house early … so He must have wondered, she was thinking when the doctor asked :

-Can you please describe to me your episodes ? you said that sometimes you cannot see ?

-Ah yes, sorry ….I was thinking.(she picked her glasses to put them on, a thinking prerequisite)

-Sometimes yes I cannot see, well it feels like I still can but I don’t … there is this sudden darkness… like some kind of a cloak a black cloak.

I don’t feel like it’s in my eyes or in front of them, if you see what I mean… it feels like dark curtains going down in my head … inside it … as in literally. I can feel their thickness… and I can’t see anything else.

-I understand that your previous doctor was not concerned by this as your tests were all clear.

-"Yes, Doctor George said that it must be stress but this is getting worse… yesterday It lasted for more than fifteen minutes, on and off… we had visitors... I broke a glass...Not that people noticed," she giggled , "you see I am very clumsy usually my husband makes fun of me for it. So I googled another doctor and here I am

- - you googled me ? the Doctor sounded pleasantly horrified

- - I did … the patient smiled. I want someone out of our network … someone who doesn’t know me but will want to know my eyes

- - I see

- - Yes… so Doctor what do you think ?

- -You must have googled your problem before you visited me then… what do you think you have ?

- - Ha ha ha, I did … and I think I have a NOVL

- - A non organic vision loss… probable for now.

- - You think it could be stress doctor ?

- - Do you think it’s stress ?

- - I don’t know… every-time doctors do not know what to say they tell you it’s stress… I mean I am sorry but really I do not know anyone who is not stressed now. Do you?

- - I agree that our ways of living are stressful but not all people react the same way. And most people have a wide array of coping mechanisms…

- - I hate the word coping

- - Maybe we should start from here. Would you go see a psychiatrist if I told you to.

- - No I would not. I studied psychology and my mind works well. I just want you to confirm that the problem is in my mind

- - I cannot do this, and you just said that you have a problem in your mind… and you are smart enough to know you are right .

- -Doctor...

- - Ok let’s agree on meeting again in 2 weeks … I ll give you as subscription for an eye drop and some vitamins… and ask you to rest this week and take it easy. If any other episode happens I want you to write down when it does, where and what are the circumstances…agreed ?

- - Agreed

- - And please do not drive… also avoid being alone where it’s risky,

- - That one is hard doctor. I will not drive but I will be alone…

- - Ok then please can we agree on you not playing ballerina on the roof !

- How did you…

- I googled you too! your facebook page is public and your videos are fun to watch.

- Hah aha ah … that is good to know. I will be careful.

Her phone started blinking again and the smiled got wiped off her face…

-I have to go

-Who is driving you

-I will grab a taxi

The doctor nodded

He was in the kitchen. It smelled nice. She knew they were supposed to kiss and make up but he was mean yesterday. When she broke the glass. He was coldly mean. He was never before coldly mean…

His back was to the kitchen door but he turned swiftly when she came in… his smile eating up all of his face before he hid it behind a frown.

-I have invited Sasha to come eat with us, he said matter of factly… I am cooking lasagne

She hated Sasha. A cheap social climber who alternated between two sick strategies playing the victim to get the attention of caring men and complimenting every male in sight with the right amount of touching. Needless to say most men fell for her tricks and most thought her nice!

Sasha constantly checked herself in the mirror like a clown afraid the mask would fall and her face would be seen for what it is: harsh and sad.

Every move of hers was a studied act. Nothing was spontaneous. In short, she was a sliding lie and she was invited for dinner.

When she did not reply, he turned her way and repeated we are having lasagne and Sasha …

- yes, yes and Sasha is coming for dinner, I heard you. But I don’t want her here. She makes me sick.

- What do you mean you don’t want her here. I invited her here and I am cooking. You do not have to eat if you do not want to

She looked at him in silence… this cold face again. She didn’t recognize him. His eyes were drowning his rictus faded in his chin… she closed her eyes … it was happening again.

- he was still shouting, when the curtain fell and she said :

I cannot see you.

What? he shouted

She felt her tears on her chin and throat and looked in his direction … took a deep breath and said calmly:

I cannot see you ... I cannot see you anymore. Bon Appetit.

Dima EL SAYED

A Place

2018-04-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have a place where I can see the sky
and flowers that will never die
I have the chance to read and write
and paint and dance under the Light
A square meter to free my heart
my piece of heaven set apart ...

DS

2018-03-11T03:57:00.004-07:00

شيل

صمت دجلة

2018-02-05T12:34:00.002-08:00

Eclipses

2018-01-25T10:05:00.004-08:00

I have missed writing because I was busy compromising
I have missed painting because my hands were involved in typing
I have missed dancing because I put myself in a chair
I have missed my inner peace because I was involved in other people's petty wars

As the moon eclipses not once but twice I receive a wake up call.
All those who received one know of their heavy burden... the weight of Truth can make your bed shake and your stomach revolt ...the weight of Truth breaks you into dust ... and only then can you say you have been reborn

Where are we running to, who are we trying to please, what are we missing?
and if everything we do is to obliterate our fatal moment of Death, How come I enjoy the darks wings of this Angel because it is preparing me for It.

Faith is this... Faith is this knowledge that lights up your being and makes your tears pave the way to your answers.
Faith is the heart that keeps on stretching to engulf the whole world and patience until the soul you are meant to meet is awaiting you...
Faith is the Light of Lights and Love shines in it... So many books say it more beautifully but I feel privileged sharing it in random words that escape the jail of this body and the expectations of the world.
What to expect from Love, the same you expect from God: Bliss, utter bliss...
if not, then your Faith is feeble , your Heart is sick and your Body does not deserve the joys it can receive...
Clean up ... and pray .
DS

ماء يحترق

2018-01-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

تسألني ان كنت أحب رجلا...

و انا أتعثر بحذائي كل يوم

لأني أطيل النظر لوجه القمر

لا خوف مني سيدتي

أنا لا أنافس في الحب و لا في الحرب

وعندما أحب أحب من يحب حبيبي

لا يختار الضوء أين يقع

و لا الشعاع دربا أمامه

و عندما احزن أحزن ككسوف لا يكتمل

و عندما أفرح أشرق

...

أنا اعرف ان العمر غيم

و أن القرب استغفال الموت

و ان البعد جرح البقاء لا جرح غيره

أنا كلما رأيت زهرة ظننتها لعيني

و اقبلت على عطرها كاشتياقي الى سيجارة في البرد

لا زلت أبكي حلب و انا لم أرها

ويؤرقني اني نسيت ملامح طفل يبيع ماء في قيظ الطريق الى كركوك

سيدتي لا تسأل السماء عن أثر الطير فيها

ولا المحيطات عن ثنايا الموج

أنا لا امارس صمت النساء و لا احاديث الطريق

أشعل ناري في دلو ماء لا قعر له

و اتركه يحترق

ديما السيد

كل عام و انتم بخير

2018-01-05T02:35:00.005-08:00

سأكون هذا العام حبة مطر على صليب النافذة

وورقة مطوية في كتاب قديم وضعته الخادمة في خزانة المطبخ

فانتسى

سأكون نملة أرهقها ثقل السكر

فنامت حيث لا يدري أحد

سأكون ريشة مزقها نسر ليكبر

فوقعت في العش وحيدة

سأكون غيما لا لون له

ضاع بين ثنايا السماء و أنف الجبل

و قمرا داكنا كأنما انزلت عليه الشمس...

فاحترق

سأكون سلحفاة كبر رأسها في القوقعة ...

فاستحال خروجه

سأكون صوتا لفحه البرد

فصار رملا فوق زجاج

سأكون حبا لا دفء فيه و لمسة من ثلج

سأكون عسلا في كوب شاي حار

و صفعة صامتة لا تترك أثرا يرى

سأكون رضيعا لا يبكي

و ضحكة من غير ثغر

سأكون القدس في قلوب الملوك

سأكون الغوطة في الاعلام

واتفاقات السلام

سأكون أي شيء

أي شيء ... الاي

كل عام و أنتم بخير

2018-01-04T22:11:00.001-08:00

كأن تكون

Le Noir, le Rouge et le Blanc

2017-09-04T11:51:00.002-07:00

Just as ink started slipping into her bloodstream

And grey clouds gathered around her chest , making it harder to breath

Just as her mouth and cheeks melted under the heavy shadows of dark circles

When it became too hard to talk and impossible to think… silence was so noisy it made no sense

He looked at her powerless in the face of her winter, angry at the elements that hid her smile

Lost like a child he searched her eyes deeply, waving a wooden sword at her venomous dragons

Unaware of their presence, he waved with such passion, that his fire licked at her icy lips

A ghost of a smile tried to appear, a window has just opened …

Her Don Quixotte has found his home...

Dima El Sayed

dancing feet

2017-08-09T02:05:00.003-07:00

I lay there thinking of happiness...

Questioning tears that gather behind the fading green in my eyes...

Where are you coming from...Where are you going to ?

What is the fire that you wish to put out ?

And why are my wings bleeding on my white bed sheets

Soaking cotton... soaking my feet ?

Elusive verses that I seek  

hide from the person I've become 

I try to listen when they speak 

I hear them scream my name and then: 

"you cannot keep standing in line,

 you're not another everyone

and why the hell you choose to stand...

look at your feet they're made to run?''

Look at my feet, they're made to run ...

DS