Confessions of a Pretty Fat Girl

Nice Cuts

2010-06-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

In a previous post, I admitted that I was a self proclaimed hairstylist. Mostly because I'm too cheap to spend a lot of money on something I'm pretty sure I can do myself. Afterall, cutting hair isn't rocket science, right? It's really just an art. And since I'm in touch with my artsy self, all signs point to the obvious: I'm probably a really good hair artist.

I've actually been cutting my own hair since kindergarten. Thanks to my Mom who was (is) a bonafide hairdresser, there was always professional hair cutting scissors around the house. If you combine the in-house salon with a cheeky child, you've got yourself a kindergartner hairstylist! Speaking of a cheeky child in my Mom's salon, there was this one time I told one of her best clients that if she didn't stop smoking, she would go to hell. Turns out the lady never smoked a cigarette again! True story!! But I digress. I shoulda just stuck to the evangelism and left the hairdressing to the experts. Anyhow, sometimes my hair turns out nice...and well...sometimes, not so much. Today was one of those days.

I woke up this morning and decided I needed to cut my hair. Long story short, I started hacking, and eventually it looked like a relatively nice cut, with little choppy hack marks throughout. The more I tried "blending" in the hack marks with my dollar store thinning shears, the worse it got! I really don't know what I did wrong, as I've been cutting my own hair for over 30 years now! But whatever I did, it looked terrible! I mean, can't-go-out-in-public kind of terrible!!

I grabbed Little P, threw him in the truck and started driving up and down the streets of my city looking for a ~~cheap~~ decent place that might take walk-ins. Finally, I saw it. (Cue cheesy music and butterflies). "NICE CUTS," read the big homemade sandwich board. It felt like I was home! NICE CUTS. Beats the heck outta "UGLY TERRIBLE CUTS." What I liked even more was what was written on the sign:

     Adult Cuts (Including style): $12
     Child Cuts:                          $9
     Beard Perms:                      $20
     Eyebrow Threading:             $2.99
     Henna:                               $5 and up

The old men in turbans sitting on the bench inside the salon should have been my first clue that perhaps I wasn't in your "typical" salon. My next clue should have been the Indian bollywood music blaring out of the speakers. And if that didn't do it, the strong smell of curry and incense should have spoken to my inner self that Chatters was just a block away.

But I just couldn't get past that $12 sign! Typically a bit more than I like to pay for a good haircut, I thought I'd treat myself and splurge. So I walked in and sat down between 2 older gentlemen in turbans who were speaking a language I couldn't understand. A tall Indian man with a beard (perhaps it was permed, see above) approached me.

Tall Indian Man: Hi. I'm Rog.
Me: Oh, like Roger?
Tall Indian Man: No, like Rajinder.
Me: Okay. I'm N, like N.
Tall Indian Man: So I'm seeing that you've been cutting your own hair.*clicking his tongue in a shameful tone*
Me (thinking fast): What? Nah. Nope. I went to Chatters last time, and someone over there did a terrible job! Can you believe it? I'm never going there again! *clicking my tongue in a shameful tone*
Tall Indian Man: Perhaps you'd be liking your moustache threaded today as well?

I pretended I didn't hear him and proceeded to sit down in a salon chair, setting Little P down on the floor beside me. Well, what happened next was shear genius! (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun!) I don't know where Raj when to hairdressing school, and frankly I don't care! He's my new favourite! Honestly, I have to say: BEST. HAIRCUT. EVER. And he's not even gay!! I know, right? I'm so excited about my new haircut that I'm ~~never~~ possibly never going to cut it myself again!! Raj kicks hair butt!! I took his business card, and I'm pretty sure we're going to be facebook friends now.

Yeah, they didn't call it NICE CUTS for nothing!
Oh, I almost forgot my Confession of the day: once when I was 18, poor, and in college, I saved a McDonald's cup in my purse and used it for a month to get free refills. That is all.

Drive In Movie Adventures

2010-06-19T04:28:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering why I'm posting this at 4:25am. (I can't remember if the times of posts are shown to the reader). Well, just take my word for it. It's 4:25, oops, 4:26am, and I just got home. Oh yeah, I was living it up tonight. Woot woot! I can't remember the last time I stayed out past 10 pm, never mind 4 am!

I had planned to spend this evening doing what I do most evenings. What's that, you ask? Well, I usually sit in my bedroom with Little P watching re-runs. Since tonight was Friday, obviously it was Criminal Minds night. I had everything ready for the evening on my nightstand, so that I wouldn't have to get up for anything:

Diapers for Little P? Check.
Portable urinal for N? Check. (Hey, you don't think I'm gonna set up camp only to have to walk down the hallway to the bathroom in a few hours, do you?!!)
Wipes? Check. (not saying who these are for.) (just saying.)
Great Value Mint chocolate buds? Check and Double check!
Great Value Peanut Butter rolls? Check.
Coke? Duh! No checking required.
Laptop for facebooking when bored? Check.
Cell phone? Check.
Little P's Wubbanub? Check.
Nail polish for self pedicure during commercials? Check.

Okay, then. It was all beautifully set. Cue Criminal Minds.

Wrong. My night was about to take a turn for the exciting! T decided she wanted to go to the Drive-In Movie theatre. I had been promising her for months that I would take her there once decent movies were playing. Well, tonight the movies were: Toy Story 3, Prince of Persia (which I had been dying to see), and Alice in Wonderland (I could take it or leave it). Since I had no good reason not to take her on a Mom/Daughter/Little P date, off we went.

But first....a stop at the dollar store for movie treats. (You didn't think I was going to pay $7 for a coke when I could get 2/$1, did you?) After we chose our snacks of choice, we headed out to the drive-in. It was now 9 pm. The first movie didn't start till 10 pm, which gave us ample time to set up the back of the SUV with our giant fluffy pillows and blankets. Now apparently there is a whole underground cult drive in movie following that I had been previously unaware of. There is actually protocol, procedure, and just certain ways to "do" a drive in movie. The people in the pick up truck beside us had a couch in the back. To which I thought, "Redneck much?" But they had the last laugh, since they were obviously way more comfy than T, Little P and I crammed into the back trunk space of my SUV with only a few lousy pillows and a couple blankets. The people in the truck even had on their PJ's and housecoats. But they weren't the only ones! At least 1/3 of the people I saw were in their jammies. Who knew this was the thing to do?

Anyhow, here's a summary of what I learned about Drive-Ins tonight:

1. Instead of laughing, you're supposed to honk at the funny parts.
2. Couches, sleeping bags, lawn chairs and pajamas. Not only optional, but recommended.
3. Marijuana. Not just for house parties anymore.
4. They tend to frown on you when you don't turn off your headlights. People can be SO grumpy. But here's the thing, my 2004 Yukon Denali doesn't have a manual off control for the lights. Even if the vehicle is turned off but the radio is on, the lights stay on as well.

So in light of #4, we had to open the back hatch and roll down all the windows so we could pick up the radio from the other vehicles around us.

T - "Mom, I can't hear."
N - "T, just be grateful you got to come to the Drive-In. Millions of children in Africa would give anything to get to be at a Drive-In tonight."
T - "But Mom, I can't hear what they're saying."
N - "T! It's Toy Story 3. Just look at the pictures. It's pretty much like the first two, but different. Anyhow, we know it's gonna have a happy ending."
T - "Mom, can we close the hatch? It's freezing."
N - "But then we won't be able to hear."
And so the evening went...........

I fell asleep sometime after Buzz and Woody had their first fight. At least I think it was a fight. I dunno, since I couldn't hear. Little P was a champion (as always), and went to sleep long before the movie started. Anyhow, when I woke up, the end credits were rolling for Prince of Persia! Bah! I had asked T to wake me up when Toy Story ended. When I sat up and started to reem her out for not waking me up...you guessed it....she was passed out sound asleep. (And I'm hoping it was from sheer tiredness, and not the 2nd hand weed smoke wafting into our open hatch thanks to the patrons from the vehicle in front of us!!)

So that was our big night out at the movies. Despite the fact that we couldn't hear a thing, only caught 1/2 of the first movie and missed the other 2, nearly froze to death, and got high, a good time was had by all!!

Incidentally, there are only 61 Drive In Movie theatres in all of Canada. (24 of which are in Ontario). It really has potential to be a fun family evening out. (I was surprised to see all the kids, toddlers, and even babies there!)....so go out and support your local Drive-In. (and don't forget your couch!)

I'm LOSING IT with Jillian Michaels!

2010-06-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

I watched "Losing it with Jillian Michaels" on NBC tonight. I hate her. No, really, I do. She wears tank tops and has arm muscles and spandex shorts and perfectly coiffed long brown hair and shiny pink lipstick. She phones up people and tells them she's answering their call and will be moving in to spend a week with them. The way these people act, you'd think they won the lottery with her phone call. Bah.

So, Jillain (yes, I know I spelled it wrong...spelled this way, it rhymes with villain) moves in with a family, and the first thing she does is go through their cupboards and remove what she calls "bad food" or "crap." To me, it's the staples of life: chips, pop, chocolate, frozen pizza, ice cream... You know, basically the major food groups! Then she sends them shopping for ~~stupid~~ ~~gross~~ healthy stuff like: spinach, collard greens, and extra lean turkey meat or something. I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention to that part.

Anyhow, she spends a week, puts them on a strict exercise regime, screams at them till she's hoarse, and then they basically all live happily ever after. Tonight's episode was a single mom and her 3 teenagers. All, except the son, were grossly overweight in Jillain's eyes. It made me mad that Jillain kept going on relentlessly about how unhealthy, and overweight they were. She kept asking them why they were settling for second best. I looked at those 2 teenage girls with jealousy. I thought they looked great! They were a normal, healthy size. I could only dream to look so good. But I guess since they weren't a size negative 0, and didn't look like anorexic pre-pubescent boys, in her eyes, they were disgusting. Meh.

As Jillain turns into Dr. Phil and decides she's a professional psychologist, the family opens up to her about why they're so darned fat. You guessed it: the parents' divorce several years earlier affected them all terribly. Years later, and they're all still messed up. This just adds to my sadness about J wanting to push our divorce through as quickly as he can. I know that MY mistakes definitely messed our precious kids up. But J could hold the keys to making our kids less messed up by not pushing for divorce. Divorce is a terrible thing. I actually hate that word and can barely type it, let alone say it! But I digress. Back to my Jillain story.....

Well, Jillain leaves the family with words of encouragement and promises to be back in 8 short weeks to see how they've progressed. The Mom vowed to lose 20 lbs. Jillain said that wasn't good enough and told her to lose 40 lbs in 8 weeks. What the ___??

Long story short, when Jillain comes back 8 weeks later for the big reveal of the "new" family, each of the girls has lost 30 lbs and the Mom has lost.....74 lbs. Seventy-Four Pounds. Who DOES that? 74 lbs in 8 weeks? Is that even really physically possible? I'm CLEARLY on the WRONG diet. Oh wait..I'm not ON a ~~freaking~~ ~~starvation~~ diet. Heh heh, my bad.

The thing is, I didn't even want to watch "Losing it with Jillian." I was just waiting for "America's Got Talent" on NBC. I get all confused with the commercials that advertise what time shows start. I don't get the whole 9/8 Central/6:30 in Newfoundland thing. I started camping out after supper waiting for "America's Got Talent." And since I was too ~~lazy~~ tired to get up and grab the remote, I really didn't have a choice but to watch the Jillain show. I was pretty much tricked into it. Confession of the day: I don't really have much of a life when my entire evening AND blog are devoted to and consumed by a TV show I watched in full, but don't even like, while I was waiting for my favourite show to come on, because I was too lazy to get up and find the remote.

So you're probably asking yourself if my story has a point. And the answer is: No. Not really. Nope. Not so much.

ps-Jillian, if you're reading this, I secretly heart you! (But don't tell the rest of my readers. I have a reputation to maintain). Couldja Puh-Leaze come to my house and yell at me. I wanna lose 74 lbs, too!

Things You Might Not Know About Me - Part 1

2010-06-15T00:43:00.000-07:00

In my quest for self discovery, I think it's important to share various facets of my life which may or may not be directly or indirectly related to the person I've become or hope to become. (How's that for committment?) Anyhow, this is Part 1.
I'd love your comments. If I know someone is actually reading my ramblings, I may be more inclined to continue with this online journey...which leads me to point #1.....read on...

#1. I have had tendencies in my life to not finish what I start. I get really excited about a new hobby, spend a lot of money on ebay purchasing sundries for my new hobby, only for it to end up in a rubbermaid box in a corner in the basement when I get bored. ie: scrapbooking, card making, craft making, song writing....

2. I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to ebay.

3. I get bored and distracted easily.

Hey, did anyone else watch the Bachelorette tonight? Oh, wait...see what I mean about the previous point and being easily distracted?! Okay, moving on.......where was I?

4. When I find something I LOVE, I buy it in every colour. ie: turtlenecks, t-shirts, watches, nail polish, eyeglasses

5. I'm also addicted to eyeglasses. I don't view them as necessary for seeing. I view them as necessary for looking good! I mostly buy online without even trying on the frames first. I've become so good at ordering glasses online, I seriously could teach lessons on the subject.

6. I was very insecure and an absolute nerd throughout my school years. While I don't necessarily blame people for making fun of me, I have to say that I can still hear the taunts in my head from a bully named Richard Blenkinsop. He wasn't even in my class. He was a few years older, but for some reason he hated me! We never even really spoke to each other. He just hated the sight of me.

7. I struggle with being pigeon-toed. I have to work very carefully to make sure my feet are pointing straight when I walk. I think it's seriously some weird deformation in my knees or something because they just refuse to make my feet point straight without definite effort and concentration.

8. At my grade 12 graduation, I was named "Female Athlete of the Year." No. Really, I was!

9. I'm scared of red-headed men. Like, really, truly frightened. I think this stems back to a recurring childhood ~~dream~~ nightmare of a red-headed guy with a guitar chasing me and trying to kidnap me.

10. In conjunction with #1, I can't seem to finish a book. I'm currently reading about 8 different books. I just counted them on my nightstand. I get really into them for a few days, and then weeks can go by without cracking a cover. Consequently, I get characters and story lines confused between the various books.

11. I read my Bible every day. It gives me peace and hope.

12. I like ketchup on the following foods: french fries, french toast, eggs, mashed potatoes, kraft dinner, roast beef, KFC chicken.

13. I pretty much only wear the following colours: black, white, gray, brown, lime green. Sometimes red. Yup. That's about it.

14. I've never been drunk and don't intend to ever be.

15. I was married to my husband for 14 years, and the thought of being married to anyone else makes me sick to my stomach. Despite our problems, I'm certain he was my soul mate. I am pretty sure I will never marry again.

16. Despite my musical abilities, I can't dance. But in my head, I am an excellent dancer.

17. Being outside in the cold makes me have to pee. At least once a week on my long 20 minute walk to elementary school in the cold Saskatchewan winters, I used to pee my pants. To "hide" the fact, before I got to school I would sit in the snow and wiggle around so it would melt to my butt, thereby making it look like I was wet from the snow, not pee.

18. I'm not a big fan of children. (Except for my 3, of course!)

19. I don't have very good patience for dumb people.

20. I'm scared to be alone.

21. I buy most of my shoes from Value Village or Goodwill stores. And I have GREAT shoes!

22. The most money I've ever spent on a pair of jeans for myself is $25.

23. Confession of the day: I usually drink about 2-4 cans of ~~Diet~~ Coke per day. Ergo, the title of my blog.

24. I don't currently have someone I could call my best friend. A few people who I thought were my best friends turned out to let me down during the past year, which has been the most difficult year of my life.

25. I DO have lots of good, strong friends. If you're reading this, and you're one of them, THANK YOU. Thank you for your love, support, forgiveness, grace, and kindness shown to me "for better or worse."

26. I love Reality TV shows.

27. When I play volleyball, I'm slightly obsessive-compulsive. I have to dribble the ball 6, 12, or 18 times before serving. If I accidentally dribble any other number, I have to let the ball drop before serving, and start over again.

28. I'm currently in a state of sad, and wonder if I will ever be happy again.

29. When I'm stressed out, I pull my hair out in clumps and pick or chew my bottom lip till it bleeds.

30. When I'm feeling good, I think I can be one of the funniest people I know.

31. I never met a chocolate bar I didn't love.

32. I think "time-outs" are stupid.

33. I can't whistle. Not even a little bit.

34. I don't make my bed every day. What's the point? It's just gonna get messed up again in a few hours.

35. I could eat at Golden Corral every day of the week. True story.

36. I'm an accomplished pianist and was accepted into University on full scholarship. But sadly, dropped out after 3 weeks of homesickness. (See #1.)

37. I feel as though God is asking me to be a "stander" and continue praying for my family's restoration, even though my husband is intent on pushing the divorce through. I believe God hates divorce and can do the impossible.

38. I hate skinny jeans. Even on skinny people. ~~Especially on skinny people.~~

39. I'm accepted into Nursing College this fall, even though I'm scared of needles.

40. I'm terrified of never being truly loved again by my soul mate.

41. I don't shave my legs in the winter. (And not sure this fact will help me with #40.)

42. I'm a self acclaimed hairdresser, but you really shouldn't trust me in this area because I don't actually know what I'm doing. Don't say you weren't warned.

Anyhow, that's enough random facts about me for now. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Bed Bugs?

2010-06-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

So I woke up at 3 am the other morning to that very unpleasant feeling of something alive and foreign being on my body. In my sleepy haze, I looked at my arm and saw a bug. A disgusting small black some sort of Bug! I held myself together so as not to wake Little P, and I squashed that bug DEAD!
Then, I did what anyone would do. I went straight to GOOGLE. And I googled. I googled "common household bugs." The problem was, since I had killed the bug and it was squished in a piece of kleenex on the floor of my garbage can, I couldn't remember what it looked like.
By 4 am, I was still poring over my google articles and pictures all bug related, and by this time, was starting to feel itchy all over. I wondered where the calamine lotion was. Went to the bathroom to look for calamine lotion and couldn't find any. Back to my beloved GOOGLE to open a new window on how to make homemade calamine lotion. Who knew?!!
So, by 5 am, I had convinced myself it was bedbugs. Yes, people, bedbugs! They really do exist..and not just in a bedtime cliche. If you don't believe me, GOOGLE for yourself. Apparently bedbugs are even rampant in upscale hotels all over North America. I even found one article that said prior to the Vancouver 2010 Olympics, the downtown area of Vancouver was over run with bedbugs, and it was warning visitors to stay away. I didn't find one google article that bore any semblance of encouraging news when it came to bedbugs.
Among the worst news to my newfound bedbug dilemna was that only the best exterminator would allow you to even stand a chance against these pests. And even then, if you were lucky, and even then, only after spending thousands of dollars! I wondered if Billy The Exterminator would make house calls to Canada.
Anywho, by 6 am, while I was praying for it to be lice, scabies, German cockroaches, or anything but bedbugs, I had stripped the sheets off my bed and thrown them into the washing machine..set on "hot" and "extra cycle" with three times the amount of laundry detergent. By 7 am, I was curled up in the fetal position on my bedroom floor singing "The Crying Game," convinced that my life would soon be taken over by bedbugs...

Okay, are you wondering where this is going? Are you crossing your fingers for me in the hopes that it wasn't bedbugs? GOOD NEWS!!! It wasn't! I'm pretty sure it wasn't. I mean, I didn't discover bugs living between my mattresses, and since that fateful night, I haven't seen any more bugs on my bed. It was just the one little bug, and I really don't even know what kind it was. Just your average household bug, I guess. Which leads my to my Confession of the day: sometimes I tend to over-react in a negative way. There. I said it. I think I see the glass as half empty, y'know? One little bug, and suddenly I'm selling a kidney to afford Billy The Exterminator, and moving to a new house to escape being overrun by bedbugs. Maybe this has to do with the fact that over the past year of my life, nothing has gone right. Nothing. Well, one thing (Little P). But other than that, I can't catch a break. I wonder how long this wilderness will last?

I didn't mean for this Bed Bug post to turn sad or solemn. I'm sorry about that. But I've decided that I'm going to just be honest and transparent in this blog, with the hopes that I can find healing. So sometimes I may be humourous (or not), and sometimes I might break down and blog-cry. But I will always write what I am feeling at that moment in time. And tonight was one of those times. So with that, I will close by saying "Good night dear reader, and don't let the bedbugs bite!"

About Me

2010-06-12T01:14:00.000-07:00

Hi! Welcome to my first blog post. This is me. And this is my shameless plug for eyebuydirect. If you wear glasses and love an AMAZING deal, you've gotta check them out!

Anyhow, where was I? Oh yeah. So...this is me. I'm a pretty fat girl. I don't know if the word "pretty" is an adjective or a noun. I guess that's up to the reader. I'd like to think it's a noun, but we'll have to see.
I'm not a true blonde, by the way. Just so you know. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on...

This past week, my husband of 14 years filed for divorce. I'm not ready to talk about it, but it made me realize that I don't really know who I am anymore. For 14 years it's been "J & N," y'know?

"J&N are coming to dinner."

"J&N like to do that."
"J&N are going on vacation."
"J&N are really good at this."
"J&N are fun to hang around."
"J&N drive that kind of car."
"J&N live over there."
.....You get the idea. So now, at the age of 37, it's suddenly "N." Just "N." And frankly, I don't really know much about "N" anymore. I'm hoping that blogging will help me rediscover my likes, dislikes, interests, talents, hobbies etc. etc. etc.
I never thought I'd be divorced. Never in a quadzillion years. Not I. Nope. There's a country song that says, "I come from a long line of love..." And I do. My parents have been married for 44 years. Both sets of my grandparents were married for 60 years. I only made it to 14. It makes me sad. Anyhow, I said I didn't want to talk about it...geez!!! Okay, so moving on..................

Let's talk about my fatness. (I think it's pretty obvious about the pretty part. If confused, see picture above). I've only been fat for about 13 years. After my son, big P, was born, I never lost the baby fat. Then my daughter, T, was born 16 months later, and more fat was piled on. Rome wasn't built in a day, so how could anyone possibly expect me to lose all that weight in just 11 short years? Sheesh, gimme a break! And then I just had a baby, little P, 3 months ago. So you know THAT fat hasn't gone yet!
Maybe people will post rude comments on here that will make me cry and motivate me to wanna lose weight. I'm not really motivated by tough love, but I'm running out of options. The whole I-can-do-it-in-my-time thing kinda came and went a decade or so ago.
Or maybe Oprah will read my blog when she's net surfing late at night and feel sorry for me and invite me on her show, and hire a personal trainer and chef for me. Of course, this will happen after she's had me on her Christmas giveaway show where we'll all get cars, jars of thousand dollar moisturizer, and fluffy bathrobes. Or not.
But the point is, I'm at an unexpected, frankly, unwanted crossroads in my life. And I can lay down and die. Or I can rise up and live life to the fullest. I think I choose the latter, but it's gonna take time. And I don't even know how to start.
Oh, since this blog is called "Confessions," I should probably post my Confession of the day. Here it is: I parked in a handicapped stall at Wal-Mart, and pretended to have a bad limp. There were no other spots, people! I mean, no other spots that close, anyhow. Okay, sure, there were spots further away. But #1: I was in a hurry. And #2: there were all kinds of handicap spots available. And #3: it doesn't even make sense for the handicap spots to be closest to the store. And #4: I really did have a little bit of a sore leg today.