Confessions of an Infertile? Drama Queen

Almost 4 years old

2016-09-10T10:10:00.001-06:00

It has been a long time since I posted to this blog which I am not happy with myself about. Since my last post we had a healthy pregnancy that brought us two amazing children. Life has been crazy (understatement) since then but it has been a good crazy. Deciding to do ivf was one of the best decisions My husband and I have ever made and I know how lucky I am to have the children I was blessed with. I will work on posting more often but did want to send out a note to tell all of you who want so badly to become mothers that it is possible. Don't let anyone tell you, you wont be mother or father. If you can't carry, there are surrogates which I have the great pleasure of knowing some amazing who have carried for multiple families. If you can't use your eggs, you can use donor eggs with your husbands sperm, anything is possible. Don't give up!!!

Coming December 2012........

2012-04-04T09:20:00.000-06:00

Today is Tuesday, April 3 and we received very good news! My beta HCG test last Saturday was around 240, they like to see the number double between the first and second reading. Today's reading was 1,348 which is way more then double. When the nurse called, I was out to lunch with my mom and my grandmother and I had stepped away to take my progesterone and asked them to answer my phone if it rang. Somehow they managed to miss the call which I was not happy about but I anxiously called Conceptions back and waiting for the nurse to get on the phone. As she identified herself I took a deep breath and waiting to hear my results. She sounded happy...so that was good and I didnt know how to react as she told me my number was very high. I waited until she was done talking and then asked if the high number meant that it was twins. She hesitated for a minute and then giggled and said that she has seen one baby have high readings and two have low readings so she couldnt say for sure. She did say that she wouldnt be surprised if it was twins. I then asked if it was normal to have cramping and spotting still and she said that was perfectly normal and that with my high reading she would shocked if I wasnt having cramping and bleeding. That made me feel better because I had stopped spotting on Monday and all day today have been spotting. We scheduled blood tests once a week to make sure things were staying on track and scheduled the ultrasound where we will see how many babies we are having on April 23rd!!! I was so excited and overwhelmed with emotion that I forgot to ask her if I was allowed to travel which my boss needs to know so I will have to call back tomorrow. I am 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant and my due date is December 9th. It is official I am pregnant!!! I have known for 5 days and it still hasnt sunk in...hopefully it will soon.

Three more days until the waiting is over

2012-03-30T13:38:00.001-06:00

Today is Friday, March 30th and I am about to go crazy!!! My IVF transfer was one week ago today and I have three more days until I find out if it worked. The transfer went well, we had a total of 6 eggs that fertilized and they already had the two picked out for the transfer when they took me back to the acupuncture room. One had already started to hatch which means that most likely, if it hatched and implanted, it happened on Saturday or Sunday. We decided not to do genetic testing or have the embryologist determine the sex of the embryos....so we at least have that surprise just like we would in a normal pregnancy. I received acupuncture before and after the transfer which surprisingly enough, I fell asleep after the transfer. Before the transfer, I had to drink 32 oz of water and hold it!!! On my test run, I almost didnt make it! The doctor was running late and I had to release half of my bladder and then hold the rest, it was very uncomfortable!!! The day of the actual transfer, my acupuncturist helped me drink the water as I tried to relax....it also helped I got to take a valium for the as well. I only felt like I was going to burst for about 30 minutes which wasnt bad. They had me change into a gown and lead me to the transfer room. As I walked in I saw a big screen tv and another room connected to the transfer room, this was the embryology lab. Our two embryos were up on the screen when we walked in. The nurse helped me lay down on the transfer table and checked my uterus to see if everything looked good. The full bladder helps make the transfer easier. It helps the tube with the embryos in it, guide in more easily. We got to watch the embryos get sucked into the tube, watch them be released into my uterus and then watched on the screen as the embryologist checked to make sure the embryos were no longer in the tube. ...and then it was done. The embryos were floating around in my uterus...and then the waiting started. I had to lay on the transfer table for 10 minutes after the transfer, I made it to 7.5 and then my stomach got really upset and my husband had to grab the nurse so I could make a mad dash to the bathroom. I am not sure what happened....I think it must have been the drug they had me take to relax. I pray that didnt mess anything up....but when you gotta go...you gotta go. I changed me clothes and laid down to receive my second acupuncture treatment. An hour later my husband woke me up and helped me to his car. As we drove home we just listened to sports radio and I just enjoyed the feeling of the sun hitting my face. The only thing said about the transfer was "well we finally did it!" Since then I have been trying to relax and not read into anything I feel, not get my hopes up, and try to not online shop to much....I was not successful with the last one...might have gotten some things on ebay...oops! It has been a nice 7 days, lots of time with friends and family and sitting outside in the sun with the hubby and the chihuahuas. I played music on my stomach every morning and talked to the embryos, for some reason I thought maybe stimulating them might help with the implantation process....we shall see. I didnt start getting really nervous until today. I just gobbled up some of my anxiety with a yummy wrap but I can't get rid of that thought in the back of my brain...what if it didnt work? What if the embryos werent able to completely hatch and implant? What if we paid $15,567.00 plus medication for nothing??? How can I possibly drive to the doctor tomorrow and tuesday mornings without wrecking my car and/or having an anxiety attack. Such a big thing the blood tests will determine. Will my husband and I be able to move on and start growing our family? or will we stay in this trying to get pregnant phase. I would feel a little better had I gotten pain from implantation or implantation bleeding but other then cramps on last Tuesday and Weds I havent gotten any other symptoms. According to my accupuncturist that doesnt necessarily mean I am pregnant could just be the hormones. Tomorrow morning we have our first beta test at 7:00 AM. From what I have been told we will not be given results after this test but will have to wait until next Tuesday to see if I am pregnant. Since I am starting to freak out, I am going to ask if they will let me know what tomorrows test looks like. I am aware that the hcg number captured tomorrow will need to double by Tuesday in order to there to be a pregnancy however I would like to know how we are looking in the morning. I left a message with an IVF nurse this morning asking if it were possible for me to get the results tomorrow and not wait until Tuesday. My grandmother is coming to visit and arrives here in Denver on Monday. I pray that I will have good news to share with our families and enjoy my visit with her. I am not sure how good of a mood I will be in if we get bad news on Tuesday. Its weird though, I am fairly confident I have at least one baby cooking. Seems like everything that has happened in the past three years has led me to this moment so I am forced to embrace it. It's not like I havent been waiting for results on pins and needles before ....just a bit different this time. The thing is I can't control what happened after that transfer. All I can do is drive to appointments, give blood and drive around until I am called with the results. If it didnt work, we have four other embryos frozen at the clinic, we will try again. We will keep trying until we become presents. I will keep everyone updated, please keep us in your prayers.

Picture of the two embryos

Picture of actual transfer - tube on the right, embryos on the left

Day 3

2012-03-21T04:37:00.000-06:00

Today is day 3 for the embryos and I am officially done taking lurpon injections!!! So happy about that. That stuff keeps me awake all night so I was forced to let the millions of thoughts running through my mind at this point circle around and around and around until finally I got up at 3:45 to go through my instructions from the fertility clinic this week. Low and behold I have a blood draw this morning at 7:45 which I will not be able to make since I am teaching a training class at 8!!! I will have to reschedule for this afternoon....hopefully that will work. It's going to have to. I am starting to freak out a bit and get very nervous. I am happy I have arranged for acupuncture treatments before and after the IVF transfer. hopefully it will help me relax a bit....not sure that is possible though. I have so many feelings running through me right now but the one I most want to feel is relief which I will finally get when we have a positive pregnancy test in a few weeks. I will never be able to express how good that moment will feel. Not that blogging about my fertility shortcomings hasnt been a blast but I have got to move on this chapter of my life ya'll. I will be calling today to check on the status of the embryos sometime today and I pray they have progressed to a healthy looking day 3. I will keep everyone updated. I read this morning (even though I have promised both my IVF nurse and my acupuncturist I wouldnt do research online) that IVF day 5 transfers have higher success rates and that sometimes embryos transferred together can encourage each other to hatch and implant....crazy huh?

day 1

2012-03-19T18:23:00.000-06:00

Ok so I have not posted in awhile and I promise I will post all my entries since September sometime soon. I wanted to share will ya'll that today is Day 1 of my future children's lives. My husband and I are in the middle of our first IVF cycle. Yesterday was egg retrieval and the sperm collection. We were able to get 20 eggs and very good sperm. This morning I got the phone call from the embryology department at the fertility clinic and....14 of the 20 fertilized!!! We are so excited. This takes the pressure off in case the first round doesnt work and makes me able to be more at ease. We are pretty confident that this will work though. The embryologist told us that with my age and transferring two embryos (which is what we have chosen to do) we have over 85% chance of conceiving one child and 65% chance of having twins. I know it sounds crazy but we are very excited as the possibility of having twins. It would be the opposite of what we have been dealing with for the past three years. I am so excited and dont know how I will get through this week. Our transfer is this Friday, March 23rd and we will find out about 9 days later if it took.

here is what the embryos look like today on day 1. Crazy to see what usually happens naturally in the body isnt it? The second photo is what a healthy embryo should look like on day two.

We are very excited for Friday. This could be the end of our quest to become parents. It is finally going to happen!!!

An Update and a Cry For Help

2011-09-09T14:42:00.000-06:00

I am feeling a bit better today, well at least on the baby thing. I woke up with cramps so perhaps my upping the dosage of DHEA is doing something??? I started my savings account today for IVF. It will be a slow building savings but at least it is something and will give me piece of mind that as I build the account up, my chance at becoming a mother gets closer and closer. I am little upset that all my bills seem to have hit me all at once and I feel like I did when I was in college again. I have a very little amount of liquid funds until payday this Friday. I don’t have any reason to spend money but like most people, I don’t need a reason, I can very easily find a reason. This lack of funds is my fault, while on my trip at the mall with my friend, I did some retail therapy. I have no regrets and I want to point that out, I just wish I would win the lottery already! Well my plan to up my DHEA dosage seemed to be working yesterday. I had cramps yesterday morning and was planning on going home and attacking my husband. I made a nice Italian meal, lit some candles, turned on some Dago hits and sat and watched the Real Housewives while I waited for him to get home. As I waited, I felt a cold coming on. By the time he got home, I was congested with a sore throat. He wanted nothing to do with me and I can understand why. Nothing says “I’m sexy” like snot and dirty Kleenexes. I had to chuckle though when he got up in the middle of the night and made sure I was covered up. Makes you feel good to know someone is watching out for you like that. I know I said I was taking a blogging break but I just have so much going on in my head right now. I have been doing a bunch of research on DHEA and I really believe this is going to be the magic pill...literally. I just have to take it for a bit longer. I don’t care about the acne, I have actually gotten used to covering it up and the hubby told me last week during one of my “I’m ugly with acne” moments that he loved me and was never going to leave me so to man up and stop complaining. If a little acne is all I had to put up with to have the child we are longing for then we would take it. I hate when he is right but he was…sigh. I had a frustrating conversation with some coworkers this morning on our way to coffee. I was discussing how frustrated I was that everyone I knew that had fertility issues have gotten pregnant…..everyone that is except me. They said that I just had to stop thinking about it and I was telling them that it is simply not possible to do that. They told me to let it be in gods hands. I have already done that, but I am only human and cant not think about it. How do I do that??? I mean I went off the hormones to help me not think about it as much and stopped acupuncture for awhile to but I am going to start back up next week. I need to relax once in awhile and it forces me to do so. I am going to save a few paychecks and get hypnotized in July. Perhaps my body just needs to be told under hypnosis to take a chill pill and start working correctly. I know that sounds crazy but I am going to try everything. Like I said before, I am the human fertility guinea pig and will stop at nothing to get what I want. Dang it my whole has been that way!! Fight for what I want and I will eventually get it. This will be the same way…..even if it is with someone elses eggs.

Well this weekend my husband had another long and emotional talk about the baby thing and how he simply can’t handle it ruling our lives anymore. He told me to just go in and do IVF with donor eggs, use the insurance and see if it works. If for some reason it didn’t work, then we would save for treatments without insurance. I started crying and told him I simply wasn’t ready to give up on my body quite yet. After the conversation was over and after some shopping with my mother, I sat down and did some research on hypnotherapy and infertility. There is a woman who specializes in this who was recently interview on the balancing act on lifetime tv. Her name is Lynzi Eastburn and in the interview she discusses that most of her patients are given less then a 1% chance of conceiving when they come to her. She also states that she believes the anyone who truly wants a child should be able to have one. I have left a message to make an appointment and am currently waiting for a call back. I am going to try this before I make anymore decisions. Also during the weekend I saw on a few gossip magazines that Catherine Middleton may not be able to have children due to a childhood illness and also saw on the tv that Khloe Khardashian may also not be able to. In some of the research I read through this weekend, the fact that infertility in women seems to be continually rising was discussed. Do you think it could be our nutrition or lack of proper nutrition and the fact that 90% of us have used birth control at some point during our lives? I mean they have proven that hormones given during menopause can be harmful to our bodies so I am a bit confused as to why they haven’t come out and said the hormones in BC are just as harmful. Doesn’t it seem obvious?

Ok, so today started off badly. I got up late and was rushing into work. I was about half way to my office when I squirrel ran out in front of my car. I am one of those types of people that doesn’t really want to kill any of God’s creatures if I can help it so I swerved and missed the clueless animal but almost hit the person next to me and got a honk and the finger for my good deed. Why is it that when someone honks at you, you automatically get defensive and pissed off? I just don’t understand why, but that is one of the quickest ways to get me going….and not in a good way. I pull myself together and was feeling pretty good about the fact that I didn’t wave the same gesture back at the driver next to me and was relaxed and ready to start my day as I pulled into the parking garage. As I was getting my things ready to get out of the car, I looked down and realized my husband’s keys (car, house, garage,etc) where in my purse. Of course! I had to drive all the way home to give him his keys, so he could get into our detached garage and drive to work. You see, he has an extra car and house key but unfortunately we didn’t think to make an extra key for the door leading to the garage!! Don’t worry, I will be taking care of that this weekend. So here I sit trying to shake off the morning and relax. I decided to make an appointment for hypnosis in July. I am extending it out that far because it is $300 for the first session and I am going to break that up between a few paychecks. I am after all, saving for IVF and want to be practical.

I have been doing some research…ok I admit it, I haven’t stopped focusing on it…but at least my husband thinks I have :0)

Visualization

Doctors willing to work with high fsh’ers

http://thefertilesoul.com/chinese_medicine/?p=15

trying to decide if I should go back on my hormones

getting hit on by someone clearly over the hill instead of the hot buy in line at the grocery store

need to take adrenal supplement

reduce sugar intake

need to balance endocrine system

1) Nutritional status – the reproductive system, like the rest of our body, has certain nutritional requirements. Most of my patients are asked to avoid sugar, wheat, and dairy. They take nutritional supplements specific to their TCM pattern of imbalance. Most women with high FSH or poor ovarian reserve take supergreens like wheatgrass, royal jelly, and Co-Enzyme Q-10, to name a few.

2) Blood flow – a woman of age 40 typically has five times less blood flow to her ovaries than a woman of age 20. This dramatically impedes the attention that the ovary requires during the follicles’ all important growth phase, the 90 day process before ovulation in which the quality of the egg is determined. The follicles insist upon adequate oxygenation and circulation to function efficiently (i.e., with a healthy egg, capable of fertilization and implantation.) I teach women exercises which redirect the circulation to the ovaries. And, as always, their bodies respond.

3) Hormonal balance – the endocrine system is a delicate interplay of the reproductive hormones, stress hormones, and emotions, in symphony with each other. This system operates via feedback, which means that anytime you introduce an outside hormone into its influence, it shuts that system down. Synthetic hormones can’t cure hormonal imbalances, they can only override them. The endocrine system is the most sensitive bodily system which requires the perfect balancing act of multiple factors, inside and out. Like all other mammals, our bodies do not want us pregnant when our endocrine systems are stressed. At our retreats, we employ natural techniques to rebalance the hormones. These methods gently encourage the reproductive system to operate efficiently, while reducing the internal stress response. When we abide by nature’s own directives, an internal order awakens inside, and automatically knows the rules.

http://greenglasslove.blogs.com/out_damned_egg_out_i_say/2005/03/_high_fshthe_be.html

There is a fertile soul retreat in July here in denver. Really want to go but it is 1500 dollars!!!

ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE, POOR OVARIAN RESPONSE, POOR EGG QUALITY DIAGNOSIS

Femoral massage to increase blood flow to the ovaries and uterus

Supplement the diet with wheat grass juice

Royal jelly

Co-Enzyme Q-10

Supplements to boost the essence – dong chong xia cao, tu si zi, fu pen zi, gou qi zi, che qian zi, wu wei zi, lu jiao jiao,

DHEA and L-Arginine can be used for Kidney yang vacuity without heat signs.

RECIPE: Fertile Soul Cookies

July 10th, 2010

The sweet healing properties of these cookies help soothe symptoms of PMS. Oats calm the heart, while coconut nourishes yin fluids like semen and cervical mucus.

Yields 12-15 cookies

Cooking time: 15 minutes

1 cup brown rice flour

½ cup tapioca flour

½ cup shredded unsweetened coconut

¾ cup rolled oats

½ tsp xantham gum

¼ cup melted clarified butter/ghee

1 teaspoon vanilla

½ cup agave nectar

¼ cup dark chocolate chips

¼ cup pumpkin seeds, crushed

1/8 cup goji berries

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine flours and oat, coconut and xantham in a bowl. Next add melted butter, vanilla and agave nectar mixing until thoroughly combined. Finally add chocolate chips, goji berries and pumpkin seeds and chill in the refrigerator about one hour. Drop spoonfuls of dough unto lightly greased cookie sheets. Bake for 15 minutes, remove from oven, and leave on pan for an additional 5 minutes.

Tags: cookbook, Cooking for Fertility, Dr Lewis, Kathryn Flynn, Rande Lewis, recipes, The Fertile Soul

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Chocolate Mousse with Tofu and Avocado

Dark chocolate has numerous health benefits, including it’s arginine content, which encourages blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Tofu is a healthful alternative to whip cream and eggs, and it preserves the creamy texture of this delicious mousse (along with the avocado). Using a low glycemic sweetener is important to stabilize blood sugar levels, and it is important for energy level, metabolism and balanced reproductive hormones.

Preparation time: 5 to 10 minutes

Serves 4 to 6

10 ounces dark chocolate, melted

1 package silken tofu

(optional: 1/2 an avocado)

2 to 4 tablespoons agave syrup

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

2 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a blender or food processor, puree the tofu (and optional avocado), along with the agave, vanilla and cinnamon until perfectly smooth. Add the melted chocolate and mix until fully combined.

Pour mixture in a bowl, and let sit in the fridge for at least 4 hours.

To YOUR health!

I would just like to say that I am giving into this diagnosis. I am tired of dealing with hit. I am going to focus on the positives, I don’t have to worry about purchasing tampons and pads every month, I don’t have to worry about when I can and cannot wear white and my hormones are always the same (good for the hubby). I have scheduled a consultation with a doctor in St. Louis to speak with him about IVF with high FSHers. I am curious to see if he has worked with someone who has POF. He was on the list of specialist who are willing to work with high FSHers. I am also going to make an appointment with a new fertility specialist here in Denver is July to see what they have to say about working with someone who has a high FSH. I think it might be different if you have POF but it is worth giving it a try. I am going to leave out everything that has happened and see what they come up with. I am going to see if they give me the same POF diagnosis or if they will give me a different diagnosis. I have chosen July for a few reasons, 1. I started the visualization and meditation exercises recommended by The fertile soul website by Dr. Randine Lewis, started the fertility diet in cooking for fertility (ok fine I cheat a little each day but it has got to be a little better then it was before) and my family is coming the last week in June. I figure having a month of positive thinking and eating might better my results…might sound silly but the mind can be a powerful thing.

I found this incredible website fertileheart.com where women discuss what they are going through in trying to conceive. The site has forums, call circles and advice from Julia, author of invonceivable.

• Notice the language you use. Your body is listening to every word you say. Are you infertile or do you have difficulty conceiving? Words can function as powerful fertility drugs htat increase fertility and they can also diminish the life force coursing through you. Consider deleting damaging fertility related diagnostic terms such as "poor responder," incompetent cervix, advanced maternal age especially when used by the Fertility Authorities you encounter on the road toward motherhood.

• Take note of any painful beliefs and images you may have about motherhood. The Fertile Heart Imagery Practice is aimed at repairing beliefs and images that no longer serve you.

So I have been a busy little bee lately. I have been doing a lot of research on hypnotherapy/meditation and fertility. I purchased two CD’s and downloaded them to my ipod and make sure to take 30 minutes each work day to do listen to a 20 minute meditation. It makes me feel better and I am also working on keeping my thoughts positive. I have been doing the meditations for a little over two weeks now and I am amazed at how much more relaxed I feel. I think stress is a big part of my problem right now. I also ordered cooking for fertility and am trying to follow it as closely as I can with my hectic schedule but basically it just tells you to follow a typical Japanese diet. Cooked veggies with grains, some wheatgrass and some green tea. I switched my workouts from running (which didn’t seem to be doing much) to dancing (wii zuma and just dance) and kick boxing. The cooking for fertility books listed dancing as a better exercise to do in order to get the blood flowing. I am also doing the abnominal messages every night before I go to sleep. This is to help the ovaries get the blood they need to be healthy. I have an appointment with Eastburn hypnotherapy in July and ready their book “it’s conceivable”. I have a good feeling about this. They will help me to relax and picture my life the way I would like it to be and to let go of all the crap I am holding in. I am also going to go to the chiropractor. They, like all the other doctors I have worked with, claim they can heal anything wrong with your body….and of course I have read some stories from medical journals regarding women who were unable to conceive, had their bodies realigned and then poof they were pregnant. I mean why not? Seems like I have tried everything else and I would like to go anyway. After years of dance classes I am sure I could use a good crack.

Well I just got back from my follow up appointment with the new fertility specialist. We started out with an ultrasound, which I have learned can be the worst part. Having had problems locating my left ovary in the past due to my bowels covering it up, I made the appointment in the morning and chose not to have anything but a tall pumpkin spice latte this morning before my appointment. The technician and my doctor were able to find my left ovary. Although it was very small, it had two standing follicles in it as did my right. My uterine lining looked healthy and so did my cervix. I was told to get dressed and meet the doctor in his office. I got dressed and my mom (I asked my mom to attend with me for emotional back up) started our walk down the hall to the office. We sat down and the doctor started working through all of my medical history I had dropped off for him a few days before. To summarize, my FSH seems to be steadily increasing and although I have eggs/follicules, he is reluctant to try and stimulate my eggs because he doesn’t think we would get any fertilizeable eggs. The reason he thinks this is because my eggs seem to be responding enough to start the whole ovulation process but seem to stop responding somewhere in the middle of my cycle, leaving the follicules to sit in my ovaries and this could be a sign of poor egg health. Not having ever heard this information, my mom seemed to get emotional and really upset and asked “how did this happen to my daughter?” My doctor then explained that it is either genetic or spontaneous/random and judging by my lab work which has tested for literally every chromosomal defect or desease I could have, in my case, it is random. The good news is that my body seems to be just fine other then this one small defect and at age 30, I consider that to be very good news. I went into my speech on how I would like to get a doctor to just give me a chance to try and stimulate my ovaries to try and get my eggs out and the doctor explained that I had already been doing that with the DHEA and hormones I have been taking. DHEA is supposed to take the most healthy eggs a woman has and put them at the top of the pool to use first, and it didn’t seem like any of my eggs were floating to the top of the pool and that maybe that was for a reason…..point taken..dang it. Then he told me to contact a doctor who had been the one who started with all the studies and IVF treatments with POFers and see if he would try and stimulate or if he thought it would be to risky. If that doctor gave me the go ahead, then my doctor said he would have no problem with it. I was given a summary of my information to send to this other doctor and then we discussed donor egg facts. My biggest fear in going to this appointment today, was that I would be told I wouldn’t be able to carry a child at all, whether it be with my eggs or with donor eggs and that didn’t happen. I can most definitely carry a child and the donor egg program at conceptions is $10,000 less than the other clinics in Colorado and they can almost guarantee you will carry to full term. They check for genetic defects and can insert certain sexes (male female) when it is time to insert the fertilized eggs. That is crazy to me!!! They will also keep the eggs from the donor for you so that you can use them to have another child, should you choose to do that. To me, this seems like a pretty great option. I am going to contact the other doctor next Monday and see what he has to say. Regardless, I am not upset at all. I think this has become strictly clinical with me and I am just ready to start my family. After having gone through all of this with my mom and I, the doctor looked at me and asked “how are you feeling with all of this?” I just looked at my mom who had tears in her eyes and said, “I am fine. I am just ready to move on from this stage in my life and become a mother.” The doctor replied with “yes you have just been through so much.” Then he looked at my mom and said “you have a really great girl here. She is strong and truly incredible.” That is the only thing that was said to me today that almost made me cry. I have managed to come out of this bull shit….excuse the language but I am expressing myself here people….strong and confident and ready to take on the world!!! Take that POF, put that in your non responding pipe and smoke it why don’t you!!!! Sorry, got off on a small tangent. My mom then asked if the fact that I had a bunch of xrays when I was a baby could have caused my ovaries to be nonresponders and the doctor then looked at me and asked if we had discussed that. I just nodded and looked at her and said, mom if that were the case then I never would have started my period as a young girl. My mom breathed a sigh of relief and sat back in her chair. I am glad I could do that for her. I hate that she would blame herself for this after being such a great parent. Next I explained that I had $15,000 with my insurance to use and that I would have to come up with the other $10,000 for the procedure. He said to take my time and discuss things with my husband and let him know what the other doctor responded with. They took my vitals and I was out the door without a negative thought or tear. I had managed to walk out of an appointment with a fertility specialist without wanting to go binge shopping or hide under a blanket for a week. This tells me that I am truly ready for the next step and whether that is IVF with my eggs or someone elses I am officially ready!!! I just have to come up with $10,000 for the procedure. If you have been following me and/or having used my blog to try and get pregnant, please consider donating $1.00 for all the research I have done. I have spent over $30,000 to try and heal my ovaries and during this time I have encountered at least 12 other women who like me couldn’t get pregnant but with my help were able to conceive. I am very happy I was able to help but now, I hope that you can help me.

My First Appointment with the Hynotist

2011-07-31T14:59:00.002-06:00

The hypnotist was a really great experience. Although I couldn’t tell you much that she said to me during the actual hypnosis, I can tell you I already feel better. It’s like the past has been erased from my brain. I can still remember things if I want but I don’t have this overwhelming sense of sadness anymore. The session started with us reviewing my past anything that had been traumatic/affected me in any certain way. My family, my husbands family, my marriage. Then we discussed my diagnosis and my hopes for the future then she went over facts about hypnosis, why it works and some success stories from her practice. She said that most people were broken by the time they came to see her most having already gone through several failed IVF treatments and having nothing else to try. She also told me about a women who had been in menopause for almost four years who came to see her and said she wanted to have a period. They did a few sessions and the woman had a period. I mean come on if she can, I can. I explained my desire to have my own children and to restore my periods and she said she could help me. Then we went over a method she discusses in her book called the cancellation technique. Basically anytime someone starts saying negative things towards you/your health or anything in your life. You can simply state you are going to cancel them out either in your head or out loud not allowing you to store the unpleasant thoughts and beliefs in your subconscious. You simply choose to not believe or accept what you are hearing. Hypnosis helps us because we as humans tend to hold on to things. She explained that when a cat has a traumatic experience, like encountering a dog in the yard, they get all fired up and hide until the dog leaves then forget about the whole incident and when the dog is gone, lay in the sun just as they were before like nothing happened. We humans are not like that. When we have a traumatic experience, like a car accident, we are immediately on our phones telling our loved ones, then the next day at work we tell our coworkers and emailing friends we haven’t gotten a chance to talk to and then that next weekend we are at dinner and retell the story. Our conscious mind doesn’t know the difference between the incident happening and talking about it. Every time we even think about the incident, our bodies can think it is reoccurring which can keep us in a constant state of fight or flight which can shut down systems in our bodies and never allow us to rest. Hypnosis allows you to get into your subconscious and release any of the events that keep reoccurring in our minds, kind of like hitting the reset button. We started out the session with her guiding me through my whole body and relaxing literally every muscle. She lost me about relax your arms and I rejoined the somewhat conscious world and heard “you are a menstruating woman”, fell asleep some more then came to and heard “when you get upset picture yourself having a period or holding your baby” fell asleep again and didn’t wake up again until I heard her counting. She said that when she told me that when she was talking about me complaining with my friends about cramps I smirked and that other then that it had gone well. I was told I needed to follow up with an appointment within the next two weeks and then we could expand them out to once a month so I made another appointment for August 5^th and she gave me a guided relaxation cd to use three times a week and I was on my way. I was kind of in a funk the whole rest of the day and I noticed that throughout the weekend, I didn’t feel sad once and as I sit here at work, I haven’t been tempted to do any medical research at all!!! I am excited to see what the next month brings to see if the reset button worked. I have also decided the in order to keep doing the research I have been sharing with all of you wonderful readers, I am going to start asking for a $1.00 donation. I will use the donations to help fund the research. Hypnosis, chiropractics, acupuncture, herbs, IVF, yoga and any of the new fertility breakthroughs that come about. None of it’s cheap or covered by insurance so I am going to have to ask for an optional donation. It doesn’t mean I don’t love sharing, it just means I need help to fund the research.

A Few Extra Pounds to Carry Around and Our First Dr. Willing to Work with Us

2011-07-31T14:58:00.001-06:00

So I think, rather I know I am having one of those “I’m feeling sorry for myself “ days. I have started to notice (and so had my husband) that I seem to be gaining weight at a very abnormal pace and although I could eat a bit healthier on the weekends, this weight gain cannot possibly from what I am eating/drinking. As we talked about it this morning I came to the realization that is most likely hormones…or lack of… in my body. It is very sad. I used to have a great body that worked for me both inside and out and now it seems that it is failing me in every way. I went from being a confident woman to not even wanting to go out in public. I just don’t know how I got here. It seems I either need to stop taking the estrogen and progesterone or start taking more. DHEA is actually given to people to help them loose weight so it can’t be that. I cried on the phone to my husband this morning and told him I am ready to be done with all of this. I want my body back completely hormones and all and if that means going back on birth control or taking more hormones so be it. I will not live this way hating the way I look. I have an appointment with my doctor next Tuesday morning and you better bet I will be asking for some blood tests and some answers. On a more positive note, I had a consultation with one of three doctors that work with high FSHers. This one is located in St. Louis and came very highly recommended off of one of the message boards I have been reading through. He was very friendly and has worked with many women in my position. There was one point in the conversation where he compared my fertility to the ups and downs of the stock market. I thought I might have to hang up but he recovered quickly. He stated that I needed to plan on 3-4 ivf cycles in case the first doesn’t work. Being that the under lying problem with my body right now is that my ovaries don’t respond, he can’t be sure how long or even if we could get them to respond with the treatments. We discussed the hormones I was currently on and he said he thought I just needed to be on higher doses in order to stimulate the follicles that what I was on right now just wasn’t enough to do anything. I would have a period of 10 days where I would need to be in town for each treatment which isn’t a bid deal with my family living there but I don’t know how I would get that much time off of work. The doctor said it could work the first time or it could take a few cycles or it might not work but at least then I would know and be comfortable with using donor eggs. I thanked him for his time and he said he would be sending me some information on some of his patients like me who had success with IVF and said they would be contacting me soon. I am just terrified to try this and don’t think I am ready to spend the big bucks on it quite yet. I still have some time to decide as I am meeting with two doctors here in Colorado before I make any decisions. It is good to know there are doctors out there who are willing to help me…at least with the baby thing. I go to see the hypnotist today which I am really excited about. Not really sure what to expect but I figure if she was interviewed on lifetime and has written a book full of success stories that she has probably worked with people in my situation. We will see. I just pray that I can loose the extra weight I am carrying around, I feel miserable right now.

Chiropracter Appointment and Birth Control Info

2011-07-31T14:57:00.000-06:00

My appointment with the natural chiropractor is today at 4:00 PM. I went in a few days ago for an evaluation and xrays. The doctor said I was tight all over (is that another way of saying I am uptight?) and that when laying down on my stomach, my left leg was longer then my right so my hips are off. At the evaluation, I expressed my main interest in getting myself aligned and that I had done some research on chiropractics and fertility. The doctor went on to explain that the body is made up of nerves that deliver messages to all organs and tissues in our bodies. If the nerves are not able to deliver the messages as quickly or if their path is altered, it can affect different systems in our bodies, like the reproductive system. He also said that hormones can be affected by your body not being aligned which definitely will change how your reproductive system functions. We went over any symptoms I was having and I told him my lower back sometimes had some pain and that when I worked out on elliptical machines that my toes go numb after about 20 minutes. Also, I felt it necessary to mention that I my hip occasionally pops in and out and that I believe it is because my hip wasn’t formed all the way when I was born. I had to wear a hip brace the first six months of my life. I watched the nurse scribe all of this down and then we discussed how the lower back and hips are the area of chiropractics that is linked to the reproductive system. As I left the doctor shook my hand and told me he thought he could help me but didn’t know to what extent and then told me about an ex coworker who had worked the front desk for years and was trying to get pregnant but never got adjusted. She had to leave when her husband was transferred but by chance decided to go to a chiropractor in the city she just moved to and she had just called to tell him she had become pregnant about a month about starting to get adjusted. Although I appreciate the hopeful and encouraging story I had to wonder as I walked out of the office…..is it the actual adjusting that helps fertility or is it the relaxing time the men/women are taking to get adjusted away from their hectic daily schedule that could be making the difference? I have continued to do my daily meditations with the DVD’s I purchased. I find it so much easier not to think about wanting a child and can feel happy for others, attend showers and birthday parties without even getting upset…it is really nice to feel normal again and the visualization exercises keep me hopeful without having to think about it all the time. I am able to live my life to the fullest while I wait for my turn and motherhood. I have to say that I continue to have my point proven about birth control and what it does to women’s reproductive systems. Just this week I have received two messages, one from a follower of my blog and one from a friend both women are having problems getting their cycles to return after getting on the pill once they gave birth to their first children. If the pill is harmless as the doctors and pharmaceutical companies have been saying for years then why do so many women have problems getting their bodies to cycle normally when going off contraception? That is a load of crap! It messes up with our cycles, tells our bodies not to cycle as it should and then when we are no longer on the pill, our bodies still think they don’t need to cycle. Mix this in with the every day and ever rising stress of today’s woman and what do we have ladies and gentlemen? A whole generation of women who suffer from fertility issues. Don’t you think it is a little weird you never heard about so many women having fertility issues when our parents were our age? I used to think it was because it wasn’t acceptable to discuss things like cervical mucus and sex patterns in day to day conversations but I now believe it is because women are going through more in our day to day lives, our nutrition is much different and most of us have taken some sort of birth control at some point in our lives.

Giving a Fertility Specialist a Second Change?

2011-07-31T14:56:00.000-06:00

Ok so more on the chiropractor front. I was doing a search this morning on activities in the metro area this weekend and ran into an ad for the place where I go for fertility yoga, Belly Bliss in Cherry Creek. They are now offering a hole list of services other then yoga that include, Nutrition Therapy, Acupuncture, Massage, Chiropractic, and Rolfing (not not ralfing, rolfing). I was very surprised to see chiropractic listed on their website below is what was written under the heading “Recent studies indicate that chiropractic care can help women struggling with infertility. This is especially true for women diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”. The nerves that supply our reproductive organs are located in the lower portion of our back and sacrum. When biomechanical and structural stresses apply pressure to these nerves, they may no longer function at 100%. Interference with these nerve impulses can result in reduced function or over stimulation of the associated organs and tissues, resulting in symptoms. These symptoms can vary from pain, to spasm, to dysfunction of an organ or organ system. Many chiropractic patients have sought care for a low back or pelvic condition and found themselves pregnant! The average patient seeking care for infertility can expect to see positive changes in 3-4 months. This includes improvement in hormone levels, endometrial thickening, and normalization of luteal phases. Chiropractic care can be safely added to any existing fertility treatments” . I had already made an appointment with a natural chiropractor this coming Monday before reading this on the Belly Bliss website but perhaps I will have to make an appointment there too? Oh and in case you are wondering Rolfing is “a process of soft tissue manipulation designed to balance your body by releasing tension and strain. Rolfing moves beyond symptomatic relief, focusing on whole body alignment for sustainable change. Structural work is an opportunity to prepare yourself and your body for a comfortable and aligned pregnancy.” Yeah I know, I still don’t really get what it is either just thought I would give you the definition. Also in recent news, I have been referred to CCRM by multiple people based on people recently becoming pregnant after trying for a really long time. The doctor in charge of these successful pregnancies is Dr. Schoolcraft. Now for those of you who are just joining this blog, CCRM is where this whole thing started for me. I saw a different doctor but in the 2 hour visit in May of 2008 my whole world came crashing down at my feet when I was told I had no eggs and no chance of conceiving on my own…both of which are not true. The first time I was referred back to CCRM by a family friend I just shook it off immediately going back to the awful day but now that I have had two people suggest this doctor, I am thinking it might be worth a shot. On one of the message boards, I also read some encouraging posts from women with high FSH stating that this doctor is willing to work with high FSH’ers. If my appointment at Conceptions doesn’t go as I would like, I will make an appointment with CCRM and try again, I mean maybe I just saw the wrong doctor before??? But I have to say I have read so many great things about Conceptions and Dr. Bush and have read a lot of negative things about CCRM….so I guess we will just have to see.

Not Giving Up and More Research

2011-07-31T14:54:00.002-06:00

I would just like to say that I am giving into this diagnosis. I am tired of dealing with hit. I am going to focus on the positives, I don’t have to worry about purchasing tampons and pads every month, I don’t have to worry about when I can and cannot wear white and my hormones are always the same (good for the hubby). I have scheduled a consultation with a doctor in St. Louis to speak with him about IVF with high FSHers. I am curious to see if he has worked with someone who has POF. He was on the list of specialist who are willing to work with high FSHers. I am also going to make an appointment with a new fertility specialist here in Denver in July to see what they have to say about working with someone who has a high FSH. I think it might be different if you have POF but it is worth giving it a try. I am going to leave out everything that has happened and see what they come up with. I am going to see if they give me the same POF diagnosis or if they will give me a different diagnosis. I have chosen July for a few reasons, 1. I started the visualization and meditation exercises recommended by The fertile soul website by Dr. Randine Lewis, started the fertility diet in cooking for fertility (ok fine I cheat a little each day but it has got to be a little better then it was before) and my family is coming the last week in June. I figure having a month of positive thinking and eating might better my results…might sound silly but the mind can be a powerful thing.

I found this incredible website fertileheart.com where women discuss what they are going through in trying to conceive. The site has forums, call circles and advice from Julia, author of invonceivable.

• Notice the language you use. Your body is listening to every word you say. Are you infertile or do you have difficulty conceiving? Words can function as powerful fertility drugs htat increase fertility and they can also diminish the life force coursing through you. Consider deleting damaging fertility related diagnostic terms such as "poor responder," incompetent cervix, advanced maternal age especially when used by the Fertility Authorities you encounter on the road toward motherhood.

• Take note of any painful beliefs and images you may have about motherhood. The Fertile Heart Imagery Practice is aimed at repairing beliefs and images that no longer serve you.

So I have been a busy little bee lately. I have been doing a lot of research on hypnotherapy/meditation and fertility. I purchased two CD’s and downloaded them to my ipod and make sure to take 30 minutes each work day to do listen to a 20 minute meditation. It makes me feel better and I am also working on keeping my thoughts positive. I have been doing the meditations for a little over two weeks now and I am amazed at how much more relaxed I feel. I think stress is a big part of my problem right now. I also ordered cooking for fertility and am trying to follow it as closely as I can with my hectic schedule but basically it just tells you to follow a typical Japanese diet. Cooked veggies with grains, some wheatgrass and some green tea. I switched my workouts from running (which didn’t seem to be doing much) to dancing (wii zuma and just dance) and kick boxing. The cooking for fertility books listed dancing as a better exercise to do in order to get the blood flowing. I am also doing the abnominal messages every night before I go to sleep. This is to help the ovaries get the blood they need to be healthy. I have an appointment with Eastburn hypnotherapy in July and ready their book “it’s conceivable”. I have a good feeling about this. They will help me to relax and picture my life the way I would like it to be and to let go of all the crap I am holding in. I am also going to go to the chiropractor. They, like all the other doctors I have worked with, claim they can heal anything wrong with your body….and of course I have read some stories from medical journals regarding women who were unable to conceive, had their bodies realigned and then poof they were pregnant. I mean why not? Seems like I have tried everything else and I would like to go anyway. After years of dance classes I am sure I could use a good crack.

A Very Unlucky Squirrel and Some Research

2011-07-31T14:53:00.000-06:00

Ok, so today started off badly. I got up late and was rushing into work. I was about half way to my office when I squirrel ran out in front of my car. I am one of those types of people that doesn’t really want to kill any of God’s creatures if I can help it so I swerved and missed the clueless animal but almost hit the person next to me and got a honk and the finger for my good deed. Why is it that when someone honks at you, you automatically get defensive and pissed off? I just don’t understand why, but that is one of the quickest ways to get me going….and not in a good way. I pull myself together and was feeling pretty good about the fact that I didn’t wave the same gesture back at the driver next to me and was relaxed and ready to start my day as I pulled into the parking garage. As I was getting my things ready to get out of the car, I looked down and realized my husband’s keys (car, house, garage,etc) where in my purse. Of course! I had to drive all the way home to give him his keys, so he could get into our detached garage and drive to work. You see, he has an extra car and house key but unfortunately we didn’t think to make an extra key for the door leading to the garage!! Don’t worry, I will be taking care of that this weekend. So here I sit trying to shake off the morning and relax. I decided to make an appointment for hypnosis in July. I am extending it out that far because it is $300 for the first session and I am going to break that up between a few paychecks. I am after all, saving for IVF and want to be practical.

I have been doing some research…ok I admit it, I haven’t stopped focusing on it…but at least my husband thinks I have :0)

Visualization

Doctors willing to work with high fsh’ers

http://thefertilesoul.com/chinese_medicine/?p=15

trying to decide if I should go back on my hormones

getting hit on by someone clearly over the hill instead of the hot buy in line at the grocery store

need to take adrenal supplement

reduce sugar intake

need to balance endocrine system

1) Nutritional status – the reproductive system, like the rest of our body, has certain nutritional requirements. Most of my patients are asked to avoid sugar, wheat, and dairy. They take nutritional supplements specific to their TCM pattern of imbalance. Most women with high FSH or poor ovarian reserve take supergreens like wheatgrass, royal jelly, and Co-Enzyme Q-10, to name a few.

2) Blood flow – a woman of age 40 typically has five times less blood flow to her ovaries than a woman of age 20. This dramatically impedes the attention that the ovary requires during the follicles’ all important growth phase, the 90 day process before ovulation in which the quality of the egg is determined. The follicles insist upon adequate oxygenation and circulation to function efficiently (i.e., with a healthy egg, capable of fertilization and implantation.) I teach women exercises which redirect the circulation to the ovaries. And, as always, their bodies respond.

3) Hormonal balance – the endocrine system is a delicate interplay of the reproductive hormones, stress hormones, and emotions, in symphony with each other. This system operates via feedback, which means that anytime you introduce an outside hormone into its influence, it shuts that system down. Synthetic hormones can’t cure hormonal imbalances, they can only override them. The endocrine system is the most sensitive bodily system which requires the perfect balancing act of multiple factors, inside and out. Like all other mammals, our bodies do not want us pregnant when our endocrine systems are stressed. At our retreats, we employ natural techniques to rebalance the hormones. These methods gently encourage the reproductive system to operate efficiently, while reducing the internal stress response. When we abide by nature’s own directives, an internal order awakens inside, and automatically knows the rules.

http://greenglasslove.blogs.com/out_damned_egg_out_i_say/2005/03/_high_fshthe_be.html

ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE, POOR OVARIAN RESPONSE, POOR EGG QUALITY DIAGNOSIS

Femoral massage to increase blood flow to the ovaries and uterus

Supplement the diet with wheat grass juice

Royal jelly

Co-Enzyme Q-10

Supplements to boost the essence – dong chong xia cao, tu si zi, fu pen zi, gou qi zi, che qian zi, wu wei zi, lu jiao jiao,

DHEA and L-Arginine can be used for Kidney yang vacuity without heat signs.

RECIPE: Fertile Soul Cookies

July 10th, 2010

The sweet healing properties of these cookies help soothe symptoms of PMS. Oats calm the heart, while coconut nourishes yin fluids like semen and cervical mucus.

Yields 12-15 cookies

Cooking time: 15 minutes

1 cup brown rice flour

½ cup tapioca flour

½ cup shredded unsweetened coconut

¾ cup rolled oats

½ tsp xantham gum

¼ cup melted clarified butter/ghee

1 teaspoon vanilla

½ cup agave nectar

¼ cup dark chocolate chips

¼ cup pumpkin seeds, crushed

1/8 cup goji berries

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine flours and oat, coconut and xantham in a bowl. Next add melted butter, vanilla and agave nectar mixing until thoroughly combined. Finally add chocolate chips, goji berries and pumpkin seeds and chill in the refrigerator about one hour. Drop spoonfuls of dough unto lightly greased cookie sheets. Bake for 15 minutes, remove from oven, and leave on pan for an additional 5 minutes.

Tags: cookbook, Cooking for Fertility, Dr Lewis, Kathryn Flynn, Rande Lewis, recipes, The Fertile Soul

Posted in Uncategorized
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Chocolate Mousse with Tofu and Avocado

Dark chocolate has numerous health benefits, including it’s arginine content, which encourages blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Tofu is a healthful alternative to whip cream and eggs, and it preserves the creamy texture of this delicious mousse (along with the avocado). Using a low glycemic sweetener is important to stabilize blood sugar levels, and it is important for energy level, metabolism and balanced reproductive hormones.

Preparation time: 5 to 10 minutes

Serves 4 to 6

10 ounces dark chocolate, melted

1 package silken tofu

(optional: 1/2 an avocado)

2 to 4 tablespoons agave syrup

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

2 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a blender or food processor, puree the tofu (and optional avocado), along with the agave, vanilla and cinnamon until perfectly smooth. Add the melted chocolate and mix until fully combined.

Pour mixture in a bowl, and let sit in the fridge for at least 4 hours.

Hynotist Information

2011-07-31T14:51:00.002-06:00

Well this weekend my husband had another long and emotional talk about the baby thing and how he simply can’t handle it ruling our lives anymore. He told me to just go in and do IVF with donor eggs, use the insurance and see if it works. If for some reason it didn’t work, then we would save for treatments without insurance. I started crying and told him I simply wasn’t ready to give up on my body quite yet. After the conversation was over and after some shopping with my mother, I sat down and did some research on hypnotherapy and infertility. There is a woman who specializes in this who was recently interview on the balancing act on lifetime tv. Her name is Lynzi Eastburn and in the interview she discusses that most of her patients are given less then a 1% chance of conceiving when they come to her. She also states that she believes the anyone who truly wants a child should be able to have one. I have left a message to make an appointment and am currently waiting for a call back. I am going to try this before I make anymore decisions. Also during the weekend I saw on a few gossip magazines that Catherine Middleton may not be able to have children due to a childhood illness and also saw on the tv that Khloe Khardashian may also not be able to. In some of the research I read through this weekend, the fact that infertility in women seems to be continually rising was discussed. Do you think it could be our nutrition or lack of proper nutrition and the fact that 90% of us have used birth control at some point during our lives? I mean they have proven that hormones given during menopause can be harmful to our bodies so I am a bit confused as to why they haven’t come out and said the hormones in BC are just as harmful. Doesn’t it seem obvious?

Keep on Going

2011-07-31T14:50:00.000-06:00

A Hard Weekend.......and Some More Decisions...I Think

2011-05-15T20:30:00.000-06:00

This weekend was a hard one to get through. Although I had many fun things planned with friends and family, I hit some unexpected road blocks on the drive towards the entrance to my infertility free summer. I had my hair done for the first time since November, yes I said November. Although I am no longer feeling ghetto fabulous with my roots fixed and my layers freshened up, I left the salon a little sad. My hair dresser who I love is 5 1/2 months pregnant with a baby she conceived by accident after trying for two years and loosing a baby. I am extremely happy for her but so jealous that I havent been able to conceive after trying for two years now. I feel selfish as I type that I left feeling sad for myself instead of excited for her. Why is it that it seems that I am the only woman I know that has trouble conceiving that still hasnt been able to get pregnant. I helped two close friends who were given 0% chance, watched my cousin's girlfriend who was told she couldnt conceive do so, I mean not to sound selfish but Lord when will it be my turn??? I managed to shake off the 30 minute cry fest I had in my car and join my husband and his family at the Rockies baseball game where I thought I was perfectly fine until my husband got up to use the restroom and didnt ask me if I needed to go so I could go with him. As ridiculous as it sounds, I proceeded to start a fight with him because he didnt ask me. I feel like lately nothing he does, no matter how hard he tries makes me happy. It didnt hit me until the next day while I was driving to meet a friend for lunch that it must be something hormonal. I remember when I would be on the same birth control for awhile and it was time to switch, everything he did annoyed me and I know some of my friends who had the same thing happen. That is how I have been feeling lately so although it sounds horrible....maybe hating on my husband is a good thing?? Perhaps it means my hormones are kicking in (obvisouly not at normal levels)...or its the steroid DHEA kicking in. I am on roids so .... The best part of the night at the rockies game was that I have never in my life been shown on the jumbo tron or televsion while at a professional sporting event. On Friday night it got chilly and I didnt have a coat being that it is mid May so my mother in law had her CU snuggie she had packed just in case. I took it when she offered and had been wearing it for about 30 minutes when the kid in the row behind us started dancing in between innings and before I knew it there were my husband and I on the jumbo screen snuggie and all. I was mortified!!!! Of course no one could see my cute outfit underneath....just the snuggie which I even had my arms through the sleeves of. The next day I got up with my husband and helped him get ready for a golfing trip, did my Zumba work out on the Wii (which I love if any of you are thinking about purchasing it) and text a friend to see if she wanted to do lunch and walk around the mall. On my drive to the mall, along with recognizing my hormonal issues, I also had a chat with God and asked him to please not forget me because it feels like everyone elses prayers have been answered while my husband and I continue to hurt. I reassured him for like the millionth time that we would be amazing parents and wouldnt take one second for granted. I was feeling really good as I walked into th restaruant to meet my friend who had her almost one year old with her. We had a nice lunch and were about to pay when she told me she had struggled with whether or not she should tell me but that she thought she might have accidentally gotten pregnant again. I smiled and asked how she felt about it. I truly was happy for her but I felt my heart start to sink back into my stomach and felt like I was having to fight my pizza I had just eaten from coming back up. At that moment I felt like looking up at the sky towards God and say "Really?" I mean I know you shouldnt expect anything from God, that it isnt the way it works but I feel that I have literally watched everyone around me, even though who were told they had 0% chance, conceive. I had just gotten back to a place where I felt I could move past the day before and then this. I shook it off again and we started walking around the mall. We were making our way to the elevator so we could get to the second floor when out walks a family of 5 with three children below the age of three and one more on the way. I ignored it and didnt make a single comment. I ended up having a really good time, I had shaken it off again. My husband and I had a party at one of his best friend's house that night so I purchased a new top at bebe and a new pair of shoes and some new perfume, I was ready to go out on the town. I knew that one of the women who had been given 0% chance to conceive and had conceived after going to my acupuncturist for a few months was going to be there with her adorable baby bump but I got all gussied up, had a few glasses of wine and walked into the party like I was the amazing woman I am. I didnt expect for there to be four other very pregnant women at the party as well as my friend. Let's just say there wasnt enough beer or wine at the party to help me shake that one completely off. It was either booze or food that I would have to bury myself into so I choose the booze. It worked, I hung out on the patio playing beer games for most of the night and visited with my friend and gave her a little gift I had purchased a while ago for her baby. I woke up this morning feeling ok. I had a clothing swap brunch at another friends house. I thought the idea was so great and I was very excited to go and take the clothing I have had in the back of my car to go to the resale shop and have a few mimosas. There were a total of 6 women including myself and as I walked in, I recognized one of them. She used to live in the same apartment complex as me the year I met my husband. I hadnt seen her in almost 4 years. She looked great, we started talked and she shared with me that she was four months pregnant. One, she was so skinny you couldnt even tell and two they had concieved on their first month of trying. I smiled, gave her a congratulations hug and went in the other room to make myself another strong mimosa, walked back in choose my items, thanked the hostess for the invitation and politely exused myself. This has been a very emotionnally draining weekend fo rme. For some reason along with the hormonal mood swings, which I need to get in control of before I drive my husband away, I have also been exhausted when I have no reason to be. So tired that my eyes are hurting. I dont know if this could be a side effect from upping my DHEA dosage??? I read online this morning about a bunch of POF cases where they were told to only take 25 mg of DHEA which did nothing until they upped their dosage to 75mg. I had been taking 50mg until last week when I upped it myself. I am going to do it for a month and see what happens. Well I think I am going to end this day, I am tired and have a long week of work ahead of me.

Trying to Make Up My Mind on the Next Step

2011-05-15T19:53:00.000-06:00

As I laid on my coach last Thursday (3/31), I had a hard reality check as I watched Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy cry in the elevator as she admitted she was jealous of another character on the show for getting pregnant without even trying. For those of you who don’t watch the show, Meredith is the main character. Her and her husband conceived and lost the baby due to a miscarriage and since then have not been able to conceive again due to her having a “hostile uterus”. In the elevator scene last week, she is hysterically crying in her husband’s arms stating that she is the one who is taking her temps, tilting her pelvis up after intercourse, eating healthy and their coworker has a one night stand and gets preggers just like that. I had to change the channel for a minute to make sure that Meredith’s fake breakdown on tv wouldn’t cause a very real life breakdown for me. Although in some sick way, that made me feel better, I didn’t want to think about my fertility issues. Just wanted to be a couch potato and enjoy my Thursday night. This episode was after the previous week’s episode of Private Practice ( a spin off of Grey’s Anatomy) where that main character, who has been told she can’t have children, thought she was pregnant and found out at the end that it was just the flu. Can’t a girl just eat fattening food and watch her programs without being brought back to reality? I mean isn’t that the point of watching tv? To take a break from life? That is the whole reason why the Jersey Shore is so popular!! Last week I was experiencing some interesting symptoms. I was not wanting to take a test but after four straight days of having breast tenderness and feeling nauseated around dinner time, my hubby came home with a test and made me take it. I know what you are thinking and no I wasn’t imagining it. To tell you the truth I was so busy last week I didn’t even have time to think about the whole baby thing. The test was negative and I just decided to move on quickly before the sad feelings had a chance to sink in. I just don’t understand why I keep having different things happen and then NOTHING! So frustrating. While sitting at a Rockies baseball game on Saturday night, I was sitting there enjoying a beer (yes, beer, I gave up the gluten free thing) when I starting getting a twinging feeling on my lower left side. It lasted for about 20 minutes and then I had it again on Sunday morning. Kind of weird. Back to the gluten thing. I am not exactly sure I have celiac. When I had allergies tested in 2003, I was told it appeared I had a sensity to it but not that I had celiac. When I called that office back, they wouldn’t give me my actual blood test reading so after not having wheat for over two years and watching everyone around me eat all the yummy treats in front of me, I have had enough. I have been eating gluten for about three weeks now and nothing had happened as far as side effects. I have noticed that as previously diagnosed, I cannot eat dairy. I get a hive on my face no less than 20 minutes after ingesting dairy. I am going to get everything retested this month, April 2011. I pray that celiac is not diagnosed but until then, I am going to enjoy life and eat whatever I want as long as it doesn’t have large amounts of dairy in it. Life has recently started to change for me. I have had a few opportunities come my way and I am currently weighing the options and trying to make a decision. One would be just life altering for my husband and I. So much more money and would allow us to save for IVF or donor eggs whichever we end up having to do. The other would be a very good learning opportunity but not much more money. Decisions, decisions. Perhaps I needed to make this change before being ready to have a child??? After all God knows best right?

I woke up about an hour before my alarm clock went off this morning so I just laid in bed thinking about the year that my house was built, 1950. How different life was back then. Only 35% of women were in the workforce back then and most women were housekeepers and mothers. What the heck would I have done back then? I have to think that no man would have considered marrying me back then once they found out having children is more difficult with me. I am willing to bet though that without all the stressors of life in 2011, my fertility would be completely normal. I laid there looking out the window down my street and pictured all the women in the neighborhood walking around in their full skirts, wiggle dresses or pencil skirts. I followed this daydream with some research on the mafia in Denver. According to my husband “there is no such thing as the mafia” but according to google and historical sites it was full blown in the 50’s. The head family in Denver ran a local restaurant/lounge that is still very popular today, and is in my neighborhood. I pass it everyday on my way to work picturing what it must have been like to eat there around the time our house was built. It is almost like I feel as if I lived back then or something?? I know what you are thinking “ok weirdo” but I seriously love the 1950’s. Just such a great time in history to me.

So the past week has been very interesting. I turned 30 on Monday, so sad. It appears that since turning 30 on Monday, I continue to do stupid things in the morning while getting ready for work. On Monday during a mad search for a missing cardi, I went to look behind a shelf in my closet and caught my chin on the side of the cabinet leaving a nice cut on my face. On Tuesday I seriously tried to leave the house twice wearing my house shoes and wore a skirt all day long that had the price tag still on it and hanging out for all the world to see I got a sale at banana republic. Wednesday, I went to put my robe on top of the closed toilet lid and didn’t notice my husband had left the lid open so I dunked my robe in the toilet water. This morning, Thursday, I went to turn the water warmer in the shower making it to hot. I quickly tried to turn the faucet handle to get some colder water and it fell off leaving the scalding water on. I had to try and position myself against the wall to where the water couldn’t get me and then screw the handle back on. I am seriously afraid for what tomorrow morning might bring. Perhaps I should wear a helmet or at least a chin guard. I have allergy testing in the morning so I will be taking off work. Time to finally find out what I can and can not eat. Lord, please don’t make me be celiac. I can take the dairy allergy but please I need gluten in my life! I have been taking mental notes of all my friends and coworkers stories this week. After hearing a very horrible story during a lunch meeting on Tuesday, I decided to log onto the Conceptions website and do some research. Conceptions has a discounted IVF program that includes donor eggs, if needed. They also have a program where if the IVF doesn’t take the first time, you can try again two more times. I took the estimated cost on the website and times it by 20% which would be what my husband and I would have to pay and it calculated to a little over $4,000. Right then and there I made the decision that if we haven’t conceived by next Feb 2012,I will be making an appointment at Conceptions. As soon as my bonus hits my account I will be starting that IVF/donor egg process and will ending this awful place my hubby and I have fallen into. I have also decided to try and convince my doctor to put me back on birth control for a few months to see if perhaps getting back on it and then going off it might restart things for me??? If that doesn’t work I am going to try and get a prescription for prometrium which is used to try and jump start things when people first get off of birth control. I took it for two days before being told it was useless for me to take it. I believe that if I had kept taking it and hadn’t gotten a blood test done that day in May 2008, everything would have been fine. Instead, the blood test came back, followed by an upsetting phone call, a series of even more upsetting doctors appointments and my body goes into shock/shutdown mode. Yep, there are definitely a few things I would have done differently….but then again then I wouldn’t have started this blog and learned my love for writing….so I guess there is one good thing about this. I have also decided to take myself off of the estrogen and progesterone. It has not done anything to help me cycle and this way I will know that any change, no matter how small, is happening because of me and not because I have just put on a new estrogen patch. I will continue to take the DHEA and thyroid supplement I am on but that is it. This woman is done spending $50 on hormones a month. Another decision I have made is that I am just going to plan on having to do IVF with donor eggs and try not to focus on the no baby thing until next Feb. That means I have a little less than a year to save some money, take some trips and prepare myself for pregnancy.

So it has been a few weeks since I have opened this folder and felt like dumping in my deep thoughts. I have been dealing with being 30, planning an Easter Party, switching jobs and dealing with the day to day stuff. So much has happened in the past few weeks, I just don’t know where to start…..here it goes. After not receiving any answers from the doctor’s office who originally did my allergy testing, I decided to take matters into my own hands (scary I know) and get retested. I contacted Colorado Allergy Associates and went in for the needle test and had blood drawn to test for the big G…Gluten. Like an answer to my Italian husband’s prayers, it came back negative. This meant that I had past the first test. Apparently there are two blood tests done for Celiacs testing and Labcorp forgot to test for the other one so I am currently waiting to hear back on that along with some thyroid and immune system testing. I have started eating flour and dairy (which also came back negative, not one sign of a hive from the needle) and have been enjoying it. Can I say that jumping back into the pool of doughnuts, cookies and pizza a few weeks before vacation was probably not the best thing I could do while trying to get bikini ready? Well it has been worth it! I haven’t felt bad at all! I am so happy and feel so liberated like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Before you start sending me messages yelling at me, I am aware that a diet with low amounts of white flour and dairy are better for fertility. I am simply taking a break from it all right now. I have taken myself off the hormones (estrogen and progesterone) and am just working on living my life right now. I am so tired of taking medications, going to acupuncture and everything else I was doing before. You know what, if it is meant to be then it will be. I am exhausted and am taking a break. I have been working out, going to happy hours and taking trips. I only get one chance to be in my, dare I say it again….thirties and I don’t want to spend all ten years in doctor’s offices and Walgreens. The hubby and I have decided to just take this summer and have fun and then once fall is here we will talk about our options. Sounds good to me!!!! A friend of mine at work told me she had a dream and that she believes I am going to get pregnant soon because of this dream. She, like my husband, is Italian and they believe that if you dream about fish, then someone is going to conceive. Well in her dream, a group of us were at dinner and I was the only one who ate fish. During the same dream the whole group went to the aquarium…..that is a lot of fish to be in a dream. I hope that it is true!!! Could be for her though, you never know. I have been doing a lot of reading trying to decide what my next step is going to be and I am going to ask to go back on birth control for a few months. I have read over a handful of cases where this actually helped stimulate ovulation in cases like mine and have also read that you are most fertile when you first go off the pill so…..while we are on our summer break, I figure this would be the perfect time to take the pill and see if it works. It is really a win, win for me. The hormones in the birth control pill will make me feel good and could eventually make my hormones come back :0) Only time will tell but I am excited to see if it will work. I am sad as this weekend approaches. Mother’s Day, May 8th, will be the two year anniversary date of the dreadful doctors appointment I had with the fertility specialist when they told me I had only a 10% of conceiving naturally. Two years! And I am still trying to prove them wrong. I wont let it get me down though. In that time I have watched as two couples my husband and I are friends with who were given 0% chance of conceiving got pregnant. It may be a low percentage but it is better then 0.

So Mother’s Day aka 2 year anniversary since my infertility diagnosis went pretty well. I got up, went on a jog, planted my vegetable garden and then spent the afternoon with my family and our dogs in Golden, CO. I wasn’t upset for one second of the day which was nice because I was expected to be emotional the entire day. I just can’t believe it has been at least a year and a half since I had a bleed from a period and two years since being diagnosed with POF. I still refuse to believe the diagnosis is true and continue on my three month break from taking hormones, going to acupuncture and the fertility diet. I am just enjoying life which is pretty easy to do when you aren’t worried that the nacho cheese you are eating might affect your fertility. I feel so liberated right now. Between taking this break and reintroducing gluten into my diet, I am a new woman!!! Now all I need is to get my cycle back and I will be ready to take on the world!!!

I have been feeling really great this week. My skin is flowing, no new breakouts, I am energetic and a little skinnier (thanks to Zumba on the Wii), all in all I am feeling pretty amazing. I don’t even care that the temperature outside dropped from 80 to 36 and it is raining. I put together a more then fabulous outfit, pulled out my favorite Coach umbrella and walked out the door this morning. It’s cold rainy days like today that bring me back to the days when the weather was like this and I had bad cramps so I would stay home curled up in my sweats and watch lifetime movies or Jerry Springer. I just long for that again…not the Jerry Springer….the cramps. I know that they will eventually come back to me but I am an impatient person and I have already waited for two years, I can’t stand it much longer. I was doing some research yesterday on stimulating ovulation after the pill and came across yet another story about a woman diagnosed with POF who had three children conceived naturally. I am beginning to believe my theory on POF. It is simply a diagnosis for those whom doctors have no idea what is going on with their bodies. It’s not that we don’t have eggs, hormones etc, it’s that the temporary lapse in cycles is being cause to flag something else going on in our bodies. Those that get pregnant do so because they have fixed the underlying problem by accident. I mean by now I have had so many deep thoughts recorded on this blog but don’t you think this makes sense??? I mean why would I have one doctor tell me I have no eggs to have that statement stomped on by my current doctor telling me I do have eggs??? Which is it? Plain and simple….I had normal periods, took birth control for almost 11 years during that time my body shut down that process realizing that the drugs had taken over and now it doesn’t want to start back up again. I really think the solution is to go back on birth control for a few months and see what happens.

I have decided that I am a bit bored with this whole thing now. I am just plain sick of it, in summary I am boring myself. That is why I haven’t been writing as much. I am freakin tired of dealing with this infertility crap, I just want it to disappear so I am going to make it go away for the next couple of months. I am going to be a drinking, tanning, shopping and all around relaxing type of girl this summer. Once August has arrived, I will consider what I want to do regarding IVF and/or birth control. I just want a break. I will still of course share my deep thought with you (when I have them) but can’t promise there will be many as you tend to not think that much when you are drunk…just kidding I wont be drunk…at least not the entire summer. The point of this entry is just to let you guys and gals know that my posts might not be as common this summer. Please try not to cry, it makes thing awkward for both parties. Ok now that I have that off my mind, who saw the Private Practice last night. It broke my heart watching Addison (who desperately wants a child and can’t conceive) perform a late term abortion and also watching the poor little girl who was adopted loose her adoptive family because her brother was beating her due to jealousy. So hard!!!

A Prediction From the Eight Ball.....

2011-03-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

Today, Tuesday 2/22 I am feeling the twinges on my lower left side. Perhaps it is just my stomach muscles but why have I never felt this before?

Today, Thursday 2/24, I have really bad cramps and over slept by 30 minutes. I have learned to accept mornings like this and just roll with things. I have no idea what the heck I am wearing definitely not something I would have chosen had I had longer than 15 minutes to pull myself together and for some reason I have the hiccups?? After receiving frustrating news at my ultrasound appointment last week, Jeff is on a mission to get things moving. He started me on a series of very close together line treatments yesterday afternoon. The treatments involve acupuncture points on my back that are meant to stimulate my uterine lining to thicken. I will go 5 times in the next week and then go in for an ultrasound next Thursday. Jeff also changed the herb formula I am taking and asked me to be sure and do my footbaths and eat plenty of pineapple. I have a good feeling about this, especially since I have bad cramps this morning. That my friends is a good sign! Any sign of life is something to celebrate. My next treatment is on Saturday, then one on Monday, Tuesday and Weds. I know this is going to be the winner. I can feel it in my bones. The hubby thinks I am crazy most of the time doing all of these treatments but to tell you the truth I feel like I am helping out so many other women in my position by trying all of the so called “crazy things.” I like to think that my experiences are helping other women to decide which treatments to try. I mean fertility issues are becoming way to common in this day and age. Don’t you think that is a little strange? Back in the good old days, you very rarely heard about fertility problems happening in young women. Why do you think that is? Do you think it is because that was a subject no one felt was okay to discuss publicly? Or do you think that the added stress of working and raising a family and the typical American diet going downhill have contributed to this fertility downfall? I think it is probably a little of both but still refuse to this day to believe that my body, and so many other women’s bodies, are not able to do one of the primary things we were made to do, conceive. I have spoken with over a handful of people who were either given 0-5% chance of conceiving on their own and now have at least one child which they conceived naturally. I really wish today’s doctors would be more concerned with fixing the problem instead of hiding things with medicine or choosing an alternative since the first choice isn’t working at the exact time their patients need a fix. If we all continue to take the easy fix with everything in our lives, don’t you think that one day everything will come crashing down and be right back in our faces to fix? Sorry, I believe I have gotten off on a tangent…..I apologize. Anyway as the day progressed the cramps got a little better, I had a good workout and was very energized all through the day even in the afternoon. I did notice that I could feel CM practically dripping out like water in the latter part of the day. Sorry for this over share but it is an important detail. It was very clear too. Both very good signs. I had my pineapple for dessert after dinner and was hoping for some alone time with the hubby but he has a bad cold and wasn’t in the mood so I settled for a good book and my foot bath. I laid down in bed and took a few deep breaths and told myself to release any stress I was carrying around. Then I pictured my ovaries sending a message to my brain to stop producing FSH, and an egg popping out of my ovary allowing me to get pregnant. Practice makes perfect right?

Friday, 2/25. I have cramps this morning and am optimistic that my CM will continue on the path to full blown fertile CM. So Saturday was a jammed packed day of moving and my second acupuncture treatment in the series of 5. I had so much CM on Saturday, it was kind of uncomfortable. Sunday was kind of dry and today it is back. I have treatments the next three days and then go in for an ultrasound on Thursday. I just know this is going to work, I can feel it.

Tuesday, 3/1. Oh my spring is on its way. I could feel it today as I drove to my doctor’s appointment with my sunroof open. Feels so good, get that vitamin D in girls and boys it’s important. As I sat in the waiting room waiting to be called back, I glanced at the stack of flyers that are always sitting there at the check in desk. They have the information about the infertility support group meeting information. Prior to last week, I have been against attending sessions for groups like this. My mom attended her weekly bible study with some of our very close family friends. They made my mom promise to relay a message regarding a story that had been on the news about one of the anchors and her struggle to get pregnant. She discussed how going to a support group really helped her cope and get through the bad days. She also reviewed statistics that show you are 50% more likely to successfully conceive if you are a member of a support group. Something about getting your feelings out and not feeling alone?? I have always considered this blog as my support group but I grabbed the flyer and after I get back from a much needed trip next week, I am going to start attending on Thursdays. I think it would be good for me to get out and actually talk to someone who will understand instead of typing onto a blank word document…no offense. Not feeling motivated at work today, I started googling trying to find the story on the local Denver news anchor. So far I have been unable to locate it however, I did find this http://www.kdvr.com/kdvr-pregnancy-pill-051309,0,2240572.story. An article about Fertiliblend or should I say “pregnancy in a pill.” The article discusses a study at Stanford University that followed 93 women, 32% of them who took this supplement got pregnant, which was three times more then the placebo group. Hmmmm, I printed it out and am going to take it to Jeff my acupuncturist today. Oh yeah sorry, my appointment went well. My doctor had two students sit in our meeting. She asked if I had seen any changes since starting my medications 4 months ago and I went through the list of items I had noticed. She went on to tell me that I needed to give the medications at least 8 months. The gentlemen who led the study on DHEA and fertility states that a patient needs to be on DHEA for 4 months or longer. My doctor also stated that I seemed to be doing all the things I can to make this happen so just keep the faith and keep on trucking. She supported and seemed very interested in all of the natural things I was doing and said that anytime I need to come in and do an ultrasound she was fine with that. She made me promise to not get frustrated if they saw eggs and then nothing happened that was unfortunately the nature of the POI beast. I smiled and told her that nothing I could hear or go through from now on could be worse then those first few weeks after being diagnosed and being told I had 0% chance of conceiving and that I would stay positive. As we were leaving we were discussing me attending the support group and she backed the study I had told her about saying that she had done studies on women who were more pushy and neurotic. Seems that they get pregnant more easy then laid back women. Well at least I have that working for me, knew that would turn up to be a good quality for some reason sooner or later.

Weds, 3/2. Today I had my fifth and final treatment in the series and am experiencing some pretty heavy cramping today. It was hard to get through Pliates at lunch and even harder to sit at work and concentrate right now. I am confident there will be a chance at the ultrasound appointment tomorrow morning. Very excited to go!! By the way, Jeff said the fertiliblend stuff didn’t have any ingredients listed on the ad so he wasn’t sure if it would be helpful or not but that the important thing was to get my cycles going before I started taking things like that.

Thurs, 3/3 – I am sitting here at work waiting for 7:15 to roll around so I can head off to my dr. apt and have another ultrasound. I am not sure how I feel about it. Not expecting much so I don’t get my hopes up but I have had almost unbearable cramps for the past 24 hours so that has to mean something right? Perhaps I have just plain pissed off my ovaries now and they are screaming at me? Well the ultrasound will tell the truth. I am not going to eat anything until I get back from the appointment to try and avoid one of my ovaries from hiding behind my bowels are other organs. Well I am back from the appointment. It isn’t great news but isn’t horrible news either. My lining is tri-linear which means I have a healthy looking lining, it just isn’t any thicker then it was two weeks ago. My right ovary had a few tiny follicules in it but nothing that looked like much activity this month. My left ovary was hiding behind my uterine wall and no matter how hard they tried, they were unable to get a good picture of it, even without breakfast in my tummy. So my uterus looks good but no action this week. I guess it could be worse right? I wasn’t sad as I walked out of the office but as I drove closer to work I started to get kind of sad. As I passed the corner where homeless people usually hang out during the day, I watched as one young man, who had his shirt off, did a hand stand against a building go up and high fived the guy standing next to him. It amazed me that although this person appeared to have nothing, he at that moment was enjoying life more then I was….then I got even sadder. It makes me sad that I have such a beautiful life that the only thing that is missing (other than my periods of course) is having my own child. It makes me sad that I have this wonderful life yet I was sitting there in my car thinking “guess it could be worse”. What the F is wrong with me? Why am I allowing the homeless guy to enjoy his life more than I am currently enjoying mine? This is plain and simple a lesson on patience. My body is not simply going to do something just because I want it to at this very minute. It will ovulate and start all reproductive operations when it is good and ready. It’s not that I don’t have healthy eggs, it’s that my body doesn’t use them every month so as much as I hate the thought of waiting (kills me to think about it) I am going to have to. It is simply not time right now and I have to wait until it is time….darn it. I am considering taking a break from acupuncture and not take my hormones for awhile. Just want to be free to not have to worry about taking prescriptions or making appointments. I still don’t see how my body will produce its hormones if I keep feeding them to it. Doesn’t seem much different then birth control.

Around 2:00 PM I have in and called Jeff to tell him that my lining wasn’t any thicker and that our latest experiment hadn’t worked the way we would have liked it to. Although my lining looked healthy, which was a chance, it wasn’t any thicker and there didn’t appear to be any follicules working to mature only tiny ones from the last time they attempted to be mature. He sighed , asked me a bunch of question, told me he needed time to think about our next step while he was on vacation and asked me to take my heating pad with me on my trip to Dallas this weekend. He said not to be frustrated and that we would figure it out. He also explained the the five treatments we had done in the past week were done based on a study he had ready about while getting his medical license. He schedule my next appointment for Monday, 3/14 and said he would talk to me then unless I needed something while he was gone. I hung up the phone feeling much better and after an intense work out at lunch, I had almost forgotten about the whole thing. I decided to ask a coworkers magic eight ball if I was going to get pregnant this month, March 2011, and it said outlook good. I asked again just to be safe and it said “all signs point to yes.” If the magic eight ball said it twice then it has got to be true right???

A trip, some research, a new house and some bad news

2011-02-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

So I have been very distracted lately…which is a good thing. I have been very busy at work and trying to figure out how I am going to decorate the new house. We and I should probably just say I, am used to lots of closet and storage space. The new house was built in 1950 and the closets are much smaller then in our last home. My husband doesn’t know it yet, but I have big plans for expanding our master closet. Unfortunately I have champagne taste and I am now on a beer budget. My new motto is “save”. I am trying to save half of every paycheck. Having said that, a friend just turned me on to a website called shoedazzle. You answer questions based on your personal fashion style and then once a month you are sent jewlry, a purse or a pair of shoes for $40.00 including shipping. You get to pick from a group of items everyone month and can skip a month if you don’t like your choices. I love that idea, it’s like the CD club but better. Who ever thought that up is seriously a genius!!! Although I am very tempted to join this accessory of the month club, my husband would not appreciate it as I am trying to pay of my credit card before we make our first payment on our new house. This give me exactly three months to do this. God grant me the power to not hear all the wonderful bargains calling my name.

Yesterday (Thurs) after a trip to the restroom (number 1 not number 2..just in case you were wondering…you never know what I will share with you), I had some really bad cramping in my uterus that hasn’t really stopped since. I noticed yesterday evening that I can a sharp pain on my left lower side and today I woke up with cramps and still have them at 3:00 PM MST. I pray that this is a sign of something good on the way be it a period or a pregnancy. Will take either of those P words. So the next day, Saturday, I woke up with what I call a helmet headache. The kind that starts at the back of your skull and goes all the way to your forehead, thus forming a helmet on the head. I recognized it as soon as I felt it! Prior to starting this pill, my helmet headache, accompanied one monsterous zit were what I welcomed my monthly gift with. There were my signs of the thing to come. A warning if you will. Funny how it used to be a warning but the moment I woke up and felt it on Saturday I wanted to throw a party. Anyway, all day Saturday the cramps remained along with my helmet headache. I was very ancy to see what would happen in the next couple of days. Other then cramps, nothing really happened on Sunday. I did have some breast tenderness and what felt like fluttering in my lower abdomen, one sharp pain on my lower right side that seemed to last for about an hour and vanish. On Monday morning I woke up and drove to work and I noticed as I drove to work that the cramps were still there. Nothing like cramps on a Monday morning to get you in a great mood!!! This is sick but anytime I feel anything happening in my woman parts, I get excited now. So cramps do put me in a good mood. About halfway through the morning I rushed into the restroom and noticed that as I whipped there was some stretchy cervical mucus. So I whipped again. More mucus and a spot of light red blood. Shocked, I whipped again. Another spot of light red blood. And again the same. And again, not more, the blood was gone. What the heck is that about? I wondered as I walked back to my desk. Of course the entire rest of my day was done as far as work was concerned. All I could think about was the mucus and blood I had seen. I found myself drinking more liquids then normal trying to get an excuse to go and check to see if there was anymore stretchy mucus or blood. Each time I pushed open to the door to the hallway disappointed. It was a one time thing. I was so glad I had an appointment with Jeff that afternoon. Maybe he could help me make sense of things.

Jeff was happy to hear I had some changes going on, however he took my pulse and said that I didn’t seem to be pregnant. He said it was probably ovulation or just some blood from my uterus. He said I might see some more bleeding within the next couple of days but if not, not to worry. This was something new and that was something to celebrate. Well Tuesday morning was a snow day so the hubby and I practiced making a baby , ate some really yummy warming food and watched some bad tv. I took a test that morning and it was negative. Just wanted to check since I will be traveling this week. I continued to have cramps and feel little twinges here and there all through Tuesday and even on Weds. I even noticed some pains coming from my pelvic bone. Wasn’t sure what that was about. On Weds. I was supposed to be in St. Louis but due to the weather my flight was delayed. So even though I was scheduled to have the day off, I got up at 4:30 AM, and went into work. I was in a really good mood and noticed as the day progressed at how great I felt. This is a sign of ovulation or a time of being fertile. A feeling of oasis if you will. I found myself really enjoying the day even though I was supposed to be on vacation. I also noticed that like last month around this time, I had little red bumps where the acupuncture needles had been on Monday. I am thinking it must be something to do with my hormones around the end of the month. Proof that there is in fact life in my ovaries. Funny how it happens around the same time of every month. I get the cramps, twinges, face breakouts, cervical mucus and little red bumps of acupuncture. Monday also marked 3 full months of being on DHEA, Estrogen and Progesterone. According to most studies I have read, it takes approximately 4 months for DHEA to do its thing. Who knows maybe next month I will have a complete cycle. My latest plan (I know it changes a lot) it to continue working out, eating somewhat healthy and taking my DHEA until the end of April. Then I will make an appointment with a new fertility specialist for the first week in May and see if they will help me extract my eggs and then perform IVF on me. That is all I have to do. Get my FSH low enough to convince them to perform egg retrieval and then IVF. Please God, I pray that you help my body heal to the point that we are able to make this happen. May 2011 will mark 2 years being off the pill and 2 years of riding this roller coaster of infertility. I still to this day do not believe my body will not bounce back. Silly I know but women’s bodies were created for procreation. My body just went on a siesta probably thinking I would never find someone who would actually want to have a baby with me. Well guess what I did!!! I shocked my parents too who had given up on the thought of me settling down. To me it isn’t a matter of is my body going to start working, it’s a matter of when it will start working. My 30th birthday is in April, that is a huge birthday. I plan to party like its 1999 and then go in for the start of the process of getting my family started.

It’s Thursday and even though I am still in a great mood, the cramps are gone. No more bleeding has occurred and I don’t have much cervical mucus today. As I sit here on the plane I am wondering what the heck is going on in there (my uterus).

Well my trip visiting family flew by and I had so much fun. I am very blessed to have such a great family on both my mom and dad’s side. My recent visit was on my mom’s side for my grandmother’s 80th birthday party. I always laugh, eat and shop way to much while I am there but it is worth it. We ate some bbq, went to the mall ( a few times), went sledding, drank margaritas and went and saw a movie. If I ever had any doubts as to why I seem to overhsare and never get embarrassed, a quick to visit my family would explain it to me. Most of my family are very opinionated, sarcastic and lover to call you out on things. Family get togethers could be a script for an SNL skit. Dinner conversations involving digestion, smell of diapers and snot. Extended family members making awkward comments about you sitting on their laps and trying to get a large group photo in the middle of a restaurant while other people are trying to eat are just a few things that went on during my trip. Sledding day would also make a good skit as well. On super bowl Sunday I was sitting there holding my cousin’s adorable little boy and had a sharp pain on my lower left side. Passing it off as gas (since I had eaten what felt like the entire world during my visit) I didn’t think much of it but I woke up yesterday (Monday) with the same thing and all day had a large amount of very sticky, goey white mucus. Not sure what that means but there was a lot of it and I could feel little twinges around the area where my ovaries are on both sides??? Kind of hurt at some points throughout the day. Trying to relax and take time for myself, I put some laundry in the washer and flipped on a lifetime movie. I laid down and watched lifetime movies all afternoon with my two Chihuahuas and shopped on my IPad. I was sure to have some alone time with the hubby just in case the twinges were a sign of ovulation approaching…and of course because I hadn’t seen him in 5 days. This morning (Tuesday) I have the twinges on my left side again. I am thinking it can’t be from gas since it has been happening for three days in a row now. Jeff had asked me at my last appointment if I felt any twinges. So I am guessing they are a good thing?? In other news, We still don’t know if we are going to get the house we put an offer on and closing is supposed to be a week from tomorrow. Wish we could find out how appraisal number two went so we could know if we will be moving next week. Not that I am a planner, I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants (they are cute pants though). I would just like to know if the search for a home is over or if we will be starting to look all over again!

As luck would have it…..and I have to say I have had some good luck lately..Jeff called to reschedule my appt on Friday and I was able to discuss some of my symptoms with him. He asked about mucus, smell of mucus, color, vision issues. He said it sounded like things were trying to work but it is like starting an antique engine that has been sitting in the garage for quite awhile. I picture myself to be a fancy antique car and not a fixer upper…anyway he said they were all good signs. He told me to have lemon with everything I eat today. To roll a tennis ball along the bottom of my feet and be sure to do a footbath tonight. He said all signs are pointing to things with my liver. Come on ovaries make me proud. We can do it put a little ass in to it (hehe) love that song. A little Ice T for you. Something funny that came up while my mom and I were waiting to board our plane yesterday. I was joking with her saying that maybe my ovaries preferred humidity and stopped working when I moved to the dry climate in Denver. She giggled and said that you never know but that she had actually heard that altitude could make a difference. That she had actually heard that more women in the state of Colorado have MS then the read of the US. That is kind of crazy.

From an article on altitude

"Menstruation and Contraception

Menstruation (periods) may be upset during the acclimatization process, and while this seems unlikely to cause harm, it could be inconvenient. Lady climbers may wish to take additional "requisites" or make medicinal arrangements beforehand. Oral contraceptives may be less effective at high altitude, and there may also be an increased risk of thrombosis, as with any oestrogen-based medicine. These matters should be discussed with one's doctor."

http://www.deepdyve.com/lp/mary-ann-liebert/does-hypoxia-impair-ovarian-function-in-bolivian-women-indigenous-to-VNsgfqTf2f This article discusses some questions that have been brought up regarding fertility reduction in populations at high altitudes. This is due to them not getting as much oxygen or Hypoxia. Also mentioned in the article is that cold weather state populations tend to have some dietary insufficiencies like Vitamin C. This can also affect fertility. Also discussed in my research was that moving can cause stress which affects fertility. Well it has been 10 years since I moved from the Dallas area but I have to say that I still think about everyone there all the time and am sad I can’t be with them. I haven’t really embraced my life here in Denver. Perhaps it is time to enjoy Denver!! Do I smell a ski trip coming on???? I hope I don’t break anything, I am so accident prone.

This week has brought on some more twinging over both ovaries. Thursday night as I was driving to meet my husband for dinner, I got a sharp pain on my lower left side and had the exact same thing as we were finishing dinner. Then today (Friday) during my acupuncture treatment, I had a dull pain on my lower right side. Jeff said these are good signs that there is some life in there. I told him about the book I have been reading that discusses how things in our subconscious can cause illness or organs to not work properly. I have really been trying to take a few minutes throughout each day and repeat a few positive statements in my head like “my FSH is low and my ovaries are perfectly round and full of healthy eggs”. My favorite one is “I will start my period this month and be pregnant by my birthday in April.” I am playing Jetta mind tricks on myself…anyway Jeff suggested I see a hypnotist. He explained his experience with one in the fertility field and gave me her number. It could very well be my mind causing some of my problems. The very minute I caught wind that something was not working correctly with my reproductive system, I went into shock. I f I felt it, I can only imagine what my body felt. It is worth a try. Jeff suggested just giving the woman a call and talking with her first. I can do that.

I called the hypnotist and scheduled a free consultation. I am not sure if I will be able to get an actual treatment though, it is $150.00 a session and for fertility they said they like to see patients for three months straight. That is not in my budget. After all the money I have already spent since being diagnosed, that is just to much. I am interested in speaking with her about receiving one treatment and learning how to distress on my own. Perhaps that would be a better solution? I have continued to repeat my positive thinking exercises a few times each day and am feeling really good lately. I know this sounds funny but I have noticed more people being friendly and helpful towards me when I am out in public. I wonder if being positive allows us to project a more approachable vibe? Yesterday, Valentines Day, I had a twinge on my lower left side which is still there this morning. I am sure that I am about to ovulate, I just hope everything goes ok. I am sitting here wishing it to be 3:30 so I can be off to the gym and just received an email from a good friend from college. She is going to a baby shower for a friend of hers that tried for 6 years to get pregnant and was given a 5% chance of conceiving. We were given a 10% chance which I don’t believe. We will be just fine but it is good to hear stories like that. I would like to talk to her and see what she did to be successful.

Today, Weds, I have had some weird pains in my lower abdomen but this time it was in the middle more like by my belly button. During pilates, I also got a strange pain along the side by my ovaries. Not sure what is going on??? The strange pain stayed with me throughout the afternoon. As my husband and I were walking out of our closing on our house I noticed that I had the pain on my lower right side. Then this morning, Thursday, 2/17, I have what feel like menstrual cramps and I feel like I am bloated. I need to call and cancel my acupuncture appt. for tomorrow so I can take the day off and move but am thinking maybe I should see if I can get in today. I would like him to take my pulse see what is going on. I decided to take Friday off and help my husband with the move so I have to cancel my appointment with Jeff. While speaking with him, I mentioned some of the things I had been feeling and he suggested getting an ultrasound to see what is going on. I gulped when I thought about all of the horrible experiences I had already encountered getting those things but reluctantly agreed to call my doctor and schedule one. They were able to get me in the next morning. I was so scared when I got up the next morning. So afraid I would feel stupid if no positive changes showed up on the ultrasound. Since my doctor was busy that morning, I saw another doctor. He went through my chart, made me repeat at least twice that my body doesn’t cycle all the way and made me promise I wouldn’t get discouraged if I didn’t see what I wanted to on the screen. I told him I couldn’t promise that, that being a mom is something I have always wanted. He threatened to not perform the ultrasound if I was going to get discouraged so I promised him (lying) that I wouldn’t get upset. I laid down and waited for some good news. My uterine lining was not very thick which meant my estrogen wasn’t high. My right ovary although not collapsed and no lesions (as suggested on other ultrasounds) didn’t have any foliicules . He said something about two acf’s not sure what that meant. My left ovary (the side I have been feeling most of the twinges) was not visible because it was hiding under something. Every ultrasound I have gotten, one of my ovaries has been hiding. I feel like they are scared just like me. So as the doctor pulled out the tool he looked at me and said “So unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is your month, but please don’t get upset because you could get pregnant at any time, just takes one month of your body going full cycle”. I acted the part and smiled and said yes I know but 10% chance isn’t very high and I am turning 30 this month so we may have to look into other options like donor eggs. The doctor discussed donor eggs and how expensive they can be. I told him we had insurance that covered that and he came back with most insurance programs cover IVF but do not cover egg retrieval or donor eggs. Two blows to my heart in the same appointment. I told him I had read so many cases where women who couldn’t get pregnant naturally explored other options to have a baby then as soon as they had one, their bodies started working again. He agreed that there did seem to be a correlation there but wasn’t sure what it was. He said he hoped I felt better soon and walked out of the room. Felt better? It’s not like I have the flu or strep throat!!! As I left I sprinted out of that office and I heard my nurse say “see you later Melissa”. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Didn’t want anyone else to see me crying. This was going to be a mad cry and I wasn’t sure what I was capable of as I let the tears fall. I got to my car and let it out, slammed my steering wheel a few times, told God I wasn’t sure if I could forgive him for this and started the drive home. I really do feel that way though. Here I am helping everyone I can from documenting everything. I have helped friends and loved ones work through their fertility problems and get pregnant so when is it going to be my turn? Why give me a period at all if you are going to take it away from me? I truly feel that what is going on is happening from a higher power then me and I don’t think I can forgive him for taking the one thing I have always wanted. My entire life, I have always felt that need to be a mother. I have had to sit here and watch everyone around my age cousins, friends, coworkers get pregnant with little or no problems and having beautiful babies. Some of them are even about to start round two when I can’t even get tickets to the event!!! I pray that God will forgive me for whatever it is I did to have my reproductive system to shut down. I am sorry for the under age drinking, the diet pills to stay awake, the sex before marriage, spending money on myself when I could have given more to charity. I would give everything I own away at the chance to conceive naturally. So right now, three days after the ultrasound, I am feeling very sad and down and am having to push through and act happy since we are moving into a new house and I don’t want to ruin this moment for my husband. All I need is one month of my body doing what it should, just one!!!!

Bad Habbits Die Hard

2011-01-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

So my giving up Caffeine is not happening as easliy as I had thought it would. I find myself craving a diet dr. pepper or ddp as our office calls them. I crave that cold, refreshing taste of the stuff. It would be differnt if I felt that cutting out caffiene from diet had helped when I did it before but it didnt help so why should I suffer when clearlt one caffienated beverage a day obviously wasnt the answer to my fertility problems. I have got to stop working and start living. Tomorrow is Weds, I swear I am not going to have an ounce of caffiene tomorrow....well wait a minute does chocolate count? When I woke up this morning from a deep sleep I quickly realized two things. One, I had overslept by an hour and two, I had really bad menstrual cramps. They lasted until about lunch time and then dissapeared. I also noticed my digestion was very on top of things today. Not sure if those two things could be related??? I have a feeling that when I go to see Jeff, my acupuncturist this week, he is going to get even more frustrated. He expressed his frustration last time I was in. He doesnt understand why I am not responding but was optimistic. He is currently taking a class on follicule stimulation...lucky me I guess. I will have to be the guinea pig on all the new techniques he is learning. I know it is all going to be all right and that this will all be worth it. Just wish it could happen already. I am not asking for a pregnancy right now, just a visit from mother nature with that nicely wrapped package. Oh who am I kidding, I would take the monthly gift unwrapped, in fact she can just throw at me and I will try and catch it.

Catch Up Post....Sorry for the delay.

2011-01-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

As I started up my computer this morning, a reminder from my calendar popped up….it read “one month of taking DHEA”. I smiled and thought to myself what a blessing this medication has been to me. I feel like myself again. I can laugh and have a good time without having to force myself to do so. I know this sounds weird but I have feeling back in my skin. I get excited to see my husband and my skin even has a new glow to it. I have hormones again people!! I was so glad to see Jeff yesterday after work that I got my appointment time mixed up with last weeks and arrived an hour early to find he was on break. I was forced to ride the elevator down two floors to our family jeweler to get my ring cleaned and checked and search for some Christmas gifts. As I was standing there talking to our jeweler, my stomach started to feel a bit queasy. So that would make three days in a row of reeling queasy at random times of the day, but knowing me it is probably the flu. After talking for about 30 minutes, I went back up to the 4th floor and walked into Jeff’s office. He had a room available so we started my treatment. I told him about all the things that had happened since I had last seen him. The runny CM, the back aches, the queasiness , the breast tenderness and the headaches. He said they were all very good signs but they didn’t necessarily mean I was pregnant. He said that even if I wasn’t pregnant that these were all very good signs and that eastern medicine doesn’t work overnight. I had only been on my medications for a little over a month and seeing as many changes as I have already seen this month should be celebrated. He said that although he doesn’t jump and do little jigs in front of his patients, the symptoms I have been reporting to him in my past couple of visits have made him very happy….and to hear him say that made me happy. I was only able to fall asleep for small increments of time during the treatment. I was having a hard time relaxing my mind with the baby wishes, unpurchased Christmas gift ideas, work issues and everything else swimming around in my head. I did feel relaxed when I left. Jeff said to wait and test on Friday and that we wouldn’t make an appointment for Friday just for me to call him on Weds to see how I am feeling. I have been considering buying a test and taking it tomorrow. This is just killing me ….You know the saying “the curiosity killed the cat?” Well it killed my baby buzz. Against the advice of my acupuncturist Jeff, I stopped on the way back from lunch and got a test and immediately took it when I got back to the office. Of course as I sat there waiting I had so many mixed emotions but mostly didn’t want to have made all of this up in my head……well it said “not pregnant” plain as day. So I will be saving the second test and will wait until Saturday morning, one day past when Jeff calculated was time for me to take it. I know what I felt. I know I felt myself ovulate, I know I had cramps after and I know I have had the runny CM. Those things I didn’t create in my head. Now could I be making myself sick probably but I don’t think I could create a low back pain with my jeta mind tricks?? Oh well, til Saturday it is. Regardless of the results, I know what I have been seeing and felt, just so frustrated right now but I guess that is what I get.

Ok so last night I went home and did a cardio blast class on fit tv. It was very high impact (even though Jeff said only low impact right now) and I felt like I had accomplished something once I finished. My husband and I went and grabbed dinner and then I jumped in the shower to rinse off and get ready for my Weds. When I was in the shower I just happened to look down and notice that my left nipple looked kind of swollen and was pretty much twice the size of the my right…..which is not normal for me. Then I noticed that on my lower abdomen where the acupuncture needles were placed on Monday, I had little red marks and where the one that had been placed in between my eyes on my face, there was a little bump that hurt. I thought this was really weird but figured I might be having some sort of allergic reaction….story of my life. When I got to work this morning, I opted for the more healthy breakfast choice of pineapple and banana. I sliced the pineapple in little pieces and then cut up the banana and put it all in a bowl. As I started to eat I noticed that the pineapple tasted different and for the third day in a row, the banana tasted like dirt. Wondering what was going on, I walked into a coworkers office and asked her to try and banana and tell me if it tasted normal. She looked at me like I was crazy but tried it and said it was fine. I recently started using crest 3d white toothpaste and am wondering if it would change my tastebuds? The thing is that Monday and Tuesday when I had a banana, I had already washed away the newly brushed feeling off my teeth with two glasses of green tea and a pumpkin spice latte so I am really not sure what the heck is going on. I am going to stop on my way home from the gym this afternoon and buy another pineapple and some new bananas to see if they taste different later in the day.

I didn’t stop on my way home to get more bananas but I did try to eat another one when I got home and it still tasted like feet. I also noticed that after my job, I had some cramping on my left side and felt extremely bloated the rest of the evening. I have also noticed that there seems to be a bad smell constantly following me around these days. Last night at the gym the woman to my right had a large amount of scented something on which was almost choking me and the lady to my left seemed to be burping up her garlic lunch so we could all enjoy it. Both of these smells seemed to be overpowering. Now as I sit here at my desk this morning, I keep getting a whiff of a strange scent but can’t figure out what it is. I have checked myself not me, bottom of my shoes…nothing, no spoiled food in the snack drawer so what the heck is it???? I also found myself almost breaking down into tears for no reason during a meeting this morning. What the heck is that about??? Who knows, I started taking the progesterone as instructed yesterday. I have been hoping that I wouldn’t need to take it because I would be expecting but since I appear to not be preggers it’s goodbye baby dreams and hello progesterone. I was thinking about it the other day. I just don’t know what I could have possibly done to take a perfectly healthy functioning reproductive system and turn it into this. I mean, I had a lot of clotting when I was younger which is a sign of hormone imbalance but shouldn’t almost two years of taking extremely good care of myself be enough to help restore things??? I am getting to the point where I am so pissed off about this whole thing that I don’t even care about having a baby or getting my periods. I mean heck, with the DHEA and the hormone supplements I feel great so guess what Aunt flo, since you have ignored my open invitation to come visit, you are now disinvited! If you do decide to show up you can sleep in the basement. Just like the butt I work with that is mean to me for absolutely no reason, I have done nothing to you either. You just leaving and not even giving me another chance just shows that you are no monthly friend I need around anyway. You have been replaced with some very effective drugs. If you want to be my monthly friend again, you will have to prove you can live up to your end of the bargain.

So on Friday afternoon, I bit the bullet and took the second test and got….a big fat “NO”. This sent me into a downward spiral of despair that I had to act my way out of since I had plans with my husband’s family to go to the Denver Parade of Lights and dinner at the Hard Rock Café. My nephew is adorable so with him around it was a little easy to act happy. My husband and I were miserable the entire evening and fell asleep on opposite ends of the bed. Still upset about the day before, I woke up on Saturday mad at the world and proceeded to take it out on my husband starting a huge fight over nothing. We made up, and decided to spend the entire day alone with just the two of us. We did some Christmas shopping, went to dinner and even went out for drinks. We felt normal again like when we were dating. During dinner he put his arm around me and said “you know, the doctor said it is 10% chance not 0%. We can’t give up but we can’t keep focusing on only this because it is making us miserable.” I agreed and we didn’t mention it the rest of the night. I haven’t actually even thought about it while sitting at work this week. Granted it is only Tuesday, but I find myself trying to get back into the swing of things. I noticed that there are pictures of events my friends have recently been at that I haven’t been invited to. I have a feeling it is because they don’t want to have to hear about my issues. I feel awful that I have made it that way and want so badly to make it up to my friends. So if you are reading this, I am sorry for any birthday parties, girls night out or any other event I have skipped in the past year and a half. I disappeared and this pathetic person has been standing in as me. Well I booted her out and I am ready to enjoy my life again. Please forgive me, I promise if I go to lunch with you or attend a party you are at we will not have to discuss whether I have ovulated or what crazy new holistic procedure I am currently trying.

I had Monday acupuncture appointment yesterday. I was feeling really confused and frustrated after the negative tests and wanted to talk about it with Jeff. He was very helpful and explained that what I felt was most likely ovulation and three things could have happened…One, I could still be pregnant and just not know it. Two, I was pregnant and wasn’t able to sustain a pregnancy because my body wasn’t ready or three, my body did release an egg but my hormones weren’t in line for the whole process to run it’s course. He also explained that just because I ovulated doesn’t mean I will get a period. There are a lot of women who go months in-between periods. He said that “we will get things working again and I promise you that once you are holding your baby/babies, you will realize going through this hard time was so worth it.” I don’t care if he was just trying to make me feel better because I really believe it is going to happen. There is a reason my ultrasound picture displayed a change last March and there is a reason I ovulated last month. My body is eventually going to start working again, patience….

I am sorry for keeping you hanging for this long. You have probably guessed from my lack of posting that I am not pregnant. I am still confused on what exactly happened in November. I know what I felt, I felt an egg release, I had back aches and cramps and my boobs were sore. Jeff said that my body might not have gone through the complete ovulation process or had been pregnant for a short time. He assured me that things would work out and to not get frustrated and to remember positive changes (even if they had not resulted in a pregnancy yet) are something to be thankful. He asked me to take a test once a week and has felt something going on in my pulse for a few weeks now. He said he couldn’t quite make out what it was, that it definitely wasn’t a pregnancy pulse but there was definitely something going on. Although I am very happy to have had these positive changes, getting in the Christmas spirit just wasn’t very easy this year. This made me even more sad because the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is usually my most favorite time of year and this year I wished I could blink and make it be over. On December 19th, I met my mother to do some Christmas shopping. I felt like I had pretty much wet myself and was worried that maybe I had started my period so I ran to the restroom just to check things out. I didn’t find any blood but I did find a large, thick, glob of mucus. Not sure what it meant I stretched it between my fingers for a minute then whipped it off my hands, flushed and ran to meet my mother for lunch. The glob of mucus stretched really far and had a dark tinge to it. I was so glad that I had an appointment with Jeff the next day. I just had to know what this glob meant. I decided to do some research on my own to make the time go by. Basically what I found online was that the glob could either be a mucus plug or fertile CM. What Jeff told me the next day is that it could mean what I read or that it could also be semen and my mucus mixed together, that sometimes that happened. He took my pulse again and said that there was definitely something still going on and gave me some new pills to start taking as soon as I got my period. Not sure if this is a mind trick he is trying to get my body to have a period by being optimistic and giving me the pills….I hope it works :0). I was able to get into the Christmas spirit just a few days before the actual day but I am grateful I was able to enjoy it instead of hiding my head under a pillow the whole day. I had another appointment with Jeff a few days after Christmas and was excited to report that I had been having a lot of clear CM. While the needles were in, I had a few twinges on my left side and was able to relax and enjoy the treatment. That is where I sit now. Waiting to see if I get a period by the 5th of January. I pray that something changes but if not, I always have next month. I am working from home today which is a good thing because the weather is just plain freezing right now and I am feeling to lazy to scrape the snow off my car. A friend of mine who I referred to Jeff just a month ago called to tell me she is pregnant. She said that a few days before she got a positive result on a HPT, Jeff was taking her pulse and said that she was either about to get her period or that she had the pregnancy pulse. Her getting pregnant makes me more confident that Jeff is the person to help make this happen for my husband and I and that there is definitely something going on in my body..since my pulse said so! I am so happy for my friend. Congrats, you guys have earned this!

It is not the end of January, the 21st to be exact. Although I have seen a few changes in cervical mucus, I am frustrated to report that there are still no signs of a period and according to the last test I took about 3 weeks ago, I am not pregnant. January 31st will be 2 months on DHEA and my estrodiol and progesterone. It feels like it has been a lifetime waiting for them to kick in. About once a week, I venture to the website describing the success of a 43 year old with POF who took DHEA after four months. It keeps me thinking positive and helps me move on to think about something else. Jeff is getting frustrated too. I am currently taking 6 menotral pills, three times a day to try and bring on a period. He even brought out the big guns at my last two visits. I am very confident and at ease at the fact that the DHEA will bring things back around. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, so I am going to type it out and see if it makes sense to anyone else. I accept that something has caused my reproductive system to go array however I believe that all the craziness that occurred when I was diagnosed could have caused my body to go into some kind of shock causing things to completely stop working. I believe my subconscious could be partly to blame for all of this. Since starting the DHEA and hormones in December, I have been very at ease. I honestly believe that will be what brings things back to good working condition. According to studies I have read, I need to take the DHEA for at least 4 months before I will see an improvement. My plan is this, my hubby and I just put an offer on a new house. We will close the 15th of Feb and once we get settled in, I will be going to see another fertility specialist. I want to try and harvest some of my eggs and after 4 months of taking DHEA, things should be ready to go. I have really been slacking on the whole fertility diet thing and to be honest the gluten free diet as well. I just want live and enjoy my food without first questioning how it might affect my cervical mucus or cause my body to attack itself. I have not been eating tons of gluten, just products that are questionably gluten free and I have felt fine. My goal is to start on a good fertility diet on Feb. 1st. I read while doing some research today that women with POF can ovulate more then once a year but that most do at least once a year, that is where the 10% comes from that my doctor told my husband and I at our last appointment. So basically they are going off statistics and guessing at what is wrong with me....well exuse me if I dont put all my "eggs" in that basket. So to sum this up, my doctors still dont know what is going on, are basing what could or might happen based on statistics and I have continued to improve as I proceed with my acupuncture and eastern medicine treatments. I just know that this is going to be over soon. Feb 1st I will get back on a good fertility diet and move on as if my diagnosis never happened.

Still Waiting....

2010-11-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

As I sit here preparing to go back to work after a long 6 days off, I am still waiting to find out what exactly it was that I felt two weeks ago today. My acupuncturist and I both believe it was me ovulating but after many let downs during this entire process I am afraid to get my hopes up. Since last Tuesday, I have had runny almost water like CM and a dull cramp on my right side. I have had some breast tenderness and for the past two days have felt sick after eating my first meal of the day. Could I be pregnant? Or is this just me messing with my own head again? I was told to wait another full week to take a test but am going to report these symtoms to Jeff tomorrow and see what he thinks. I have read that a lot of CM like I have been experiencing could be early pregnancy symptoms, I pray that this is what is happening with my body. Only 7 more days until I find out....I can wait 7 more days....can't I?

Counting My Eggs Before They Have Hatched??

2010-11-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

The weekend was filled with surprises. During my acupuncture on Friday, I had twitches all over the place which is a good thing because it shows activity. The CU Buffaloes & Denver Broncos actually won a game and I had some activity in what felt like both of my ovaries on Saturday and again on Sunday. On Saturday, I was standing at the CU tailgate munching on my breakfast when both my ovaries started to hurt. It was almost like a dull pain kind of like a pinching sensation on both sides. This went on for most of the afternoon and evening. I was talking about it with my mother in law and she smiled and said “maybe you are about to release an egg”. I laughed it off thinking in my head “yeah right” and went on to the football game. When we got home, I put a heating pad over my lower belly while doing my nightly foot soak and fell asleep not really thinking much of it. The last time I was on progesterone supplements, I had cramping just about everyday. This was a bit different then the cramping I had before but I just figured it was yet another side effect. I woke up pretty early on Sunday morning to go and spend the day with my family. I got ready and made it to their house in under an hour. We ate breakfast (yummy gluten free bisquick pancakes) and as my mom and I were cleaning the dishes, I all of a sudden got an explosive pain on my lower right side where I believe my right ovary to be. It wasn’t extremely painful, almost felt like something had burst and followed by a dull pain that lasted for about an hour. I sat down at the kitchen table and drank some warm green tea while I waited for the pain to go away and sent my husband this text “Something just happened but I’m not sure what. Got an intense pain on my right side of my uterus that lasted for about an hour.” Not a wife’s typical text to a husband but I guess we are not the typical couple. Sadly, these types of texts have become normal with us. I update him on all changes I feel in my body….I know what you are thinking...lucky him. As I sat there waiting for the pain to go away, my mind started racing. “What if the was implantation? No silly that couldn’t be, you haven’t been ovulating, this is your first month on the hormones. What could it be then??? Could it actually be ovulation? Or what if it was a cyst? No, I couldn’t have that bad of luck, could I?” Since this happened, I have really been trying hard to keep my promise to the hubby and focus on something else but I am failing miserably. I came in to work this morning and immediately starting doing research. According to what I read, I either ovulated or have ovarian cysts. I am going with the first one….something to celebrate! It is so great because my husband and I had “time together” on Saturday night right before Mr. or Mrs. Egg (I don’t discriminate) popped out. Now the race is on to catch the egg. I am picturing a fun game of little sperm racing with the egg. I should call the next couple of days “As the Sperm Swim”. Couldn’t have timed it better if I were actually using all of the ovulation devices I have in my bathroom drawer. I feel like I could be jinxing things by talking about it like counting my eggs before they are hatched only in my case before they are fertilized. Oh well, the fact that I am feeling any changes at all is truly a blessing with the already amazing changes I have felt since starting the hormones and DHEA. Anything else on top of feeling like I am supposed to will just be an added bonus. I have an appointment with Jeff this week and I am very excited to tell him what has happened since our last meeting on Friday and see what he has to say.

So just got back from my appointment with Jeff and “Houston we have received confirmation.” It is in his expert opinion (not just mine) that I ovulated on Sunday!!! As soon as he said it I immediately started crying and thinking in my head “Holy Shit”. Excuse my French but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think any of the things I am doing would work. I mean I have always had hope but man I never thought this would happen the first cycle on the hormones and only after seeing Jeff for a month!!!! I have officially experienced a miracle! I have gone from being told in May of 2009 that I had flat ovaries with no eggs, to a year later March 2010 being told I had round ovaries with standing follicles to this week being told that I have officially ovulated. Say it with me now Holy Sh_t!!!!! Jeff did say to not get my hopes up. That my body is still adjusting to trying to work properly again and that although a pregnancy is possible this month, we should concentrate on being happy with what I have already gotten out of my body this month. I told him I had no problem with that and that I wouldn’t be devasted if a pregnancy didn’t happen this month. Jeff told me no heavy working out, to cancel an allergy testing appointment I had scheduled for this Friday and to continue to be religious about doing my nightly footbaths. As I laid there during my treatment, I picture an egg with arms, legs and a smiley face walking through a fallopian tube with a flash light who is met by a new swimming friend. The two of them join up and navigate through the tube and into the uterus together and then find a permanent home to put stakes in and start building their new temporary home. Silly I know but I fell asleep halfway through this ridiculous story building. When I woke up I was ready to face the rest of my work day and wait on my husband to call with results from his doctor’s appointment. The holiday season can’t possibly get any better! I already have my Christmas miracle. Thank you Lord for blessing me with this new beginning, I pray that it eventually leads to another miracle but it waits on you :0) Just wanted to welcome little Julia into the world. She was born last week but this is my first post since then. Congrats S & D on a beautiful baby girl!

A Double Hit From the Stun Gun

2010-11-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

I was still feeling really good as I drove into work today. I have been considering making some professional changes to my life but am worried I might get pregnant in the midst of the changes. During our daily morning phone call, I expressed this concern with my mother who then replied “well remember you are talking about one to ten percent that may even be an option”. That comment just hit me like a stun gun and I didn’t talk for a full minute while I let the sting wear off. I rejoined the conversation as my mother called my name for the fifth time to see if I was still there. I then replied with “did you just say that to me?” I absolutely love my mother and I could not have gotten through this whole ordeal without her but it is statements like that which show me that she just plain does not understand what I am going through. Statements like “1 in 10% chance” or “there are other options” or “you are not dying” are statements that people in my situation really can’t stand to hear. I believe that being positive and not making statements that make the other person want to shrink into a ball and roll off into the distance is better for everyone. People who make statements like those I just mentioned are able to say those things because they have not had to deal with a fertility issue. It’s not their fault, it’s not the fertility patient’s fault either but it really does suck. Another thing I have recently learned is that my loved ones have been keeping pregnancies of people around us a secret from me. That is extra fun when I find out because then I get a dose of “I feel stupid that people have to keep things from me” mixed with “what the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I get pregnant.” I know people think they are doing the right thing not telling me but it makes it so much worse finding out through a third party. Ok, enough depressing talk. I am still feeling so happy and encouraged. We continue to be on the two year plan which has allowed me to be able to think about something else throughout the work days and actually become productive at work again.

And Finally Some Good News

2010-11-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in at my desk and watch the first snow flakes of the season start to fall, I am still amazed at how great I have been feeling. The newly added hormones and DHEA have been such a great addition to my daily routine. I just had lunch with a friend of mine who suffered the horrible tragedy of loosing her full term baby about two years ago. She is now 10 weeks along and I am so happy for her...probably would have cried when she told me if my new drugs didn’t make me so darn happy all the time….not complaining at all. I was feeling pretty good after our lunch. Got back to work, stole a reeses pieces out of a coworkers snack drawer and was working along. A visit to the restroom brought on more good news. It appears that I have a large amount of clear, stretchy CM. I noticed it a bit this morning but thought nothing of it but this afternoon it is very obvious what is going on ….the estrogen is causing me to have a cycle!!!! I of course got out of the bathroom as fast as I could and called my mother and husband to which I got the response “um that’s great, you have good mucus?” They just don’t understand what a breakthrough this is. I know mucus is not that great of a conversation topic but I’ve got it and I don’t care who knows.

I was so glad that I had an acupuncture appointment; I knew Jeff would share in my mucus excitement. He was indeed very excited to hear of the changes I have been seeing and we discussed things I needed to be sure and do (besides my husband) the next few days. As soon as the needles were placed over my ovaries, I felt a sharp twitch on the right side. Right about that time, Jeff asked if I felt any twitches and when I told him yes, he smiled and said that’s good. Dying to know why that was “good,” I asked what it meant and he told me that it meant there was activity where ever the twitch was occurring. I replied with “it’s about time”. Jeff then responded with “it’s been a long time, so it may take awhile to wake your ovaries up.” I was sure to let him know I had been talking to my ovaries and not him when I had said “it’s about time”, didn’t want to piss the person off with the needles. As I was left to doze off for my 45 minute treatment, it took a minute for my mind to relax with all of the good news I had received throughout the day. My friend had gotten pregnant, I seemed to be responding to my new medicine pretty early in the process and the first snow was falling. I was just too happy to sleep….but I did it anyway. Jeff woke me up, went over the game plan (intercourse at least twice in the next couple of days and foot baths) and I was sent on my way to fight the traffic caused by the first signs of winter. I didn’t care about the traffic though, I just sat in traffic listening to my Beth Moore bible study..nothing, not even the butt who cut me off because he didn’t want to wait in line, could ruin my day.

Love Thy Hormones

2010-11-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

If one more person asks me if I am feeling ok, I am going to scream!! Everyone at my office & at home seems to think I am not feeling well because I seem relaxed and have been really laid back. Come to think of it, I feel really relaxed and laid back (am I that big of a stress case that people immediately notice when I start to relax???....I even know that answer to that question, after all stress is my middle name. I am proud to say that I now know what it feels like to not be stressed out throughout each and every work day. I don’t know if it is my new jasmine dispensing air freshener in my office, the new heating pad I have brought to work (to keep my uterus warm…I didn’t say it wasn’t weird but I have read it works), the DHEA supplements or the low dose hormones but I have to say I feel fantastic. Until recently I always seemed to have a tiny headache all the time, and I just noticed yesterday that it is gone. I feel like my head is clear and I am able to remember things more easily. My skin also seems to have a new glow to it… I am basically in a constant state of euphoria :0) I noticed the change in my mood on Monday night and have already decided that the low dose hormones were exactly what I needed and even if they don’t eventually help me conceive naturally, it was the right decision to start taking them. My hormones were hanging on to healthy levels by a tiny hair like thread and the new addition has knocked them into what feels like fully functioning doses. I am hopeful I will continue to feel even better as the months pass. I am really interested to see if the DHEA will have any amazing effects on me as it did for the woman in the article I shared with you in my last post. If it made the patient in the article’s 46 year old ovaries behave like they were 20, will it make my 29 year old ovaries behave like they are 14? Let’s hope so but let’s shoot for after the onset of menses because pre-puberty would be no period and I already know what that feels like :0) I have a new strategy for every time I start to think about my fertility. I start taking deep breathes and concentrate on my breathing. When you do that not only does it relax your body but trying to focus on taking deep breaths helps clear your mind as well. Hopefully after awhile I will program myself to not think about it. After all, I don’t have to worry until November 2012 so let the fun begin :0)