I went to my therapist today and was really shocked at myself.  All I had to tell her really was good things.  For the past couple of weeks, things have really been good.  I do not know what has gotten into me, but I have been chipper and more active than I have in over a year.  I even played some basketball yesterday for about 30 minutes and am not that sore today.

My spirits have been much better too!  My pain is still there, but since I am feeling better emotionally, I am not dwelling on the pain as much.  I have known the whole time, that it was one big vicious cycle, but just getting over the hump is the hardest thing.

Now, I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but for today, I am feeling blessed.  I have started praying again and writing again, which helps tremendously.  Hope that everyone reading this, has a very blessed pain free day.

Double for my trouble!!!  I love that statement!!!  A wonderful, beautiful friend and sister in Christ told me that today, and it has just really sunk into my thick head.  I have seen it before in my life and cannot believe that I actually didn’t believe it for myself now.  When I lost my my first child, God later gave me two beautiful, healthy children for my trouble.  Double for my trouble.  I just love that!

My friend also told me today, that she is believing for me to be healed.  I am now going to make it a point, in my heart and in my house, NOT to say “I am sick”, but to say, “I am being tested and I WILL be healed!”  By His stripes, I am healed.  I am very excited to see what God has in store for me, after He has healed me.  When He does give me double for this trouble (my illnesses), WOW, can you imagine what I will be receiving one day?  God is Good and He is Amazing!  I am so glad He is my Father and my Great Physician.

I pray today, that if you are struggling with any disease or illness in your life, God will heal you too!  I know it to be what He wants for us.  God bless!!!

I do not know why I picked today to start writing in my blog again.  It has been months, I guess.  I have been depressed, feeling lonely, being angry at God again and just keeping to myself.  I know someday, sometime God will reveal His Will for me, but sometimes the wait is just unbearable.  For the past few months, I’ve been wondering why the heck all of my surgeries have failed, and why I am on so many high doses of -pain meds., and STILL in so much pain.  There is a reason, I know, but what is it????? 

Another reason I am so depressed is something I have worked through before, but once again am struggling with.  I am experiencing so much anxiety, guilt and emotional pain for what I am putting my family through.  Although I finally got my SSD, and things are better financially, we are still struggling so much in other areas.  We are ALL angry about the cards we have been dealt, and some of us handle it better than others.  There is a lot of tension in our home. 

Spiritually, is where we are struggling the absolute most.  My 13 yr. old is now going to church and doing missions with a friend, but is gone constantly.  She is really wrapped up in what she is doing for others, and to be honest, has avoided doing for her own family.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very proud of her and very excited about the person she is becoming, but she is really disrespecting me, daily.  Just tonight, I got out of her, that it is because she is still so angry that I am sick and her whole life has been turned upside down because of it.  I asked her why she takes it out on me, especially since it is not my fault or nothing that I can control, but she doesn’t really know why.  The whole situation is very difficult for me, but I know  the only thing I can do is pray about it.  Since I still have NO pain relief and cannot sit through a church service, all I can do right now is pray constantly from home, for my teenager and the rest of my family.

I am not going to promise to write everyday, but I will do my best.  I do still have good days and bad days, but I am going to give every effort to get back to sharing my experiences.

I went to the Surgeon yesterday thinking that I was going to schedule Spinal Fusion, but he talked me right out of it.

He said I am way too young for such a harsh permanent surgery.  Instead he is going to do a Microdiscectomy.  In other words, he is going to go in and shave off the part of the disc that is pushing on my nerve and decompress the nerve. 

The only problem with this is that it will only take care of my right leg pain, not the left leg or the low back pain.  So to help that pain, they are going to put in another Spinal Cord Stimulator.  I know, I know, I just recovered from a Staph Infection from the first stimulator and they said, at that time, they would never put in another one, but there really is no other choice except to live with the pain.  I cannot do that!!!!!

This time, they will bring in the Infectious Disease doctor, I will be off of my RA meds for over 6 months, and they are going to do it in a specialty facility instead of the hospital (where all the bugs are).  I should be safe from Staph this time.

So basically, I am facing at least two more surgeries, but they are very minor compared to what the Fusion would have been.  The third surgery would be to put a stimulator in my neck like they had originally said they would do.  We will see.  I am hoping that once my lower half is out of pain, I won’t even realize the upper half hurts.

God is good, I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  On top of all that info. yesterday, I got my first SSDI check and and it was the B-Day of the baby I lost 14 yrs. ago.  So, needless to say, it was a very emotional day for me, but today is much better, except for pain of course.

My first surgery is (the microdiscectomy), is scheduled for next Friday, February 6th at 10 a.m.

Went the Rheumatologist yesterday and reviewed my x-rays and blood work from last week.

Just as I suspected, since I have been off of the meds. since August, there have been some change in my hands and feet.  After I got home last night, I was thinking….”did this change happen over the past 5 years or over the past 7 months?’  I didn’t think to ask that question when I was at the doctors office, so I don’t know for sure.

What do you think?

My blood work, of course was all out of whack.  My red blood cells were low, c-reactive protien was high, sed rate was high, and my liver enzymes were high.  I know it is all because of not being on the meds., but it is scary to know this.

I cannot start the meds again until May, because of my upcoming spinal fusion surgery, so I wonder what damage will be done between now and then.

I go to the surgeon tomorrow to schedule surgery and get all the details of my life for the next several months.  I will keep you updated.

Have a great pain free day,

Kim