Conflict Zen

Your perspective and the truth: not the same

Tammy Lenski — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 21:06:31 +0000

In a mediation recently, each side was quite sure their memory of the original conflict situation was the right one, the correct one, The Truth.

I was reminded of the problem created by confusing perspective with Truth, with absolute rightness.

The Other Side, a traditional Zen story

One day a young man reached the edge of a wide and fast-moving river during his travel to another town. He sat on the banks for hours, pondering how to cross safely and get to his destination. Just as he was about to return to the village from which he’d started, he saw a well-respect Zen teacher on the other side of the river.

The young man called over, “Wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?”

The teacher thought quietly for a moment, then called over, “”My son, you are on the other side.”

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Relationship frustration: The “not my problem” problem

Tammy Lenski — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:21:21 +0000

Back in the days when I was a college dean I ran into a gatekeeping problem with the executive assistant of a vice president I worked with frequently. Donna was a zealous gatekeeper and the first response was a routine “no” anytime I asked if the VP was available for a few minutes.

One day, I decided to talk about the problem with Donna. I’m finding it frustrating that every time I come in here, the first response is always no. I’d like to talk about this, since I so frequently need to see Paula (the VP) for troubleshooting on the fly.

That’s not my problem, said Donna with a tone of finality. Good luck with it. She turned back to her computer.

The “not my problem” problem comes up a lot in conflict situations. And when I asked readers in May, what frustrates you most in conflict situations?, a lot of you named this one. As one of you put it, It drives me crazy when someone says, “If this is important to you, then you deal with it.”

What “It’s Not My Problem” Really Means

It’s easy to conclude that the “not my problem” person is dismissing you out of hand because they don’t care, but that’s only scratching the surface. When someone tells you to deal with the problem yourself, the subtext could be…

I truly don’t care because I see this as your problem, not mine.
I care but don’t have the desire to have this difficult conversation with you.
I don’t think this will get resolved and don’t want to waste my time on it.
This scares me so I’m going to avoid it at all costs.
You’re better positioned to resolve this than me, but I’ll never say that out loud.
I’m overwhelmed right now and don’t have extra bandwidth for this one too.

So be careful of your assumptions.

3 Strategies for the “Not My Problem” Problem

I’ve found that three general strategies address virtually all the possible scenarios. And since I know some of you reading Conflict Zen are fellow mediators and conflict coaches looking for conflict resolution tips to use with your own clients, I particularly draw your attention to #1 and #3 because they can be highly effective approaches for third-party folks like us.

Strategy 1: Help them understand it is their problem as long as it’s your problem. While every problem you have isn’t shared by others, some problems create a chasm between you even if only one of you really cares about the issue. One way to say this so the other person understands is, As long as I’m frustrated by this there’s going to be tension between us, and over time that tension will create a bigger problem. I’d like your help in nipping this in the bud, even if you don’t feel like it’s particularly important to you yet.

Strategy 2: Make sure you’re not framing the problem as theirs alone to fix. When you put the resolution of a dispute on the other’s shoulders, they’re very likely to shrug it off as a defense mechanism. Framing it as a joint problem to solve might sound like this invitation: It is important to me, yes, and I do want to deal with it. I think the outcome will be better if your thinking is included than if I do it alone.

Strategy 3: Make sure they’re not right. Are you absolutely sure that you need their help to resolve the problem? Have you handed some of your power away by making it about them when it might actually be in your own power to change the situation? Remember that old Spanish proverb, It takes two to quarrel but only one to end it.

I vividly recall staring down at Donna, who was studiously focused on her computer monitor. I bit my tongue to prevent the curt reply my New Yorker self so much wanted to deliver. Then I took path #1: Help her understand this was indeed her problem as well as mine.

Donna, it seems to me that if we don’t talk about this I’m going to get more and more ticked off about this until I finally raise it with Paula. I know others have. I’d rather sort this out with you directly. And we did.

What other “not my problem” situations would you like some ideas about addressing?

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

What if you could reboot your marriage?

Tammy Lenski — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 17:23:44 +0000

If you could reboot your marriage, would you do it? Would you clean out the memory leaks, glitches and bugs so that the joyful stuff could shine even more brightly?

Rod and I are in our 20th year together and we’ve decided to do just that, looking ahead to the next twenty.

And after much thought and discussion, we’ve agreed I’ll blog about this personal “lab of life” experiment. So I introduce The Year 20 Reboot, my chronicle of our year-long experiment in having more joy and cleaning out the gunk. Here’s an excerpt from the About page:

I’m a professional mediator and conflict resolution consultant, he’s a college professor. I’m from New York, he’s from the Midwest. I’m given to gesticulating wildly, he keeps his body fairly still (sometimes I say, hello, anyone alive in there?). I tend toward the overstated, he toward the under. We both love animals, hiking, the outdoors. We’re politically left of center but independent at heart. He’s happier where concrete is visible, I where I can’t see neighbors at all.

2009 marks 20 years together. Twenty joyful years of compatibility and incompatibility, laughter (much, much laughter) and tears, good news and sorrowful moments, many changes in our lives. And 20 years of a bit of garbage that’s crept in, inevitably.

After a disagreement one night, I sat in the living room, and thought to myself, That argument happened because I’m carrying around all sorts of judgments and beliefs about him, and he’s doing the same about me. Our own certainty got in the way.

And I began to wonder. Wonder if it’s possible to make the decision to let go of a bunch of beliefs and start some things over after 20 years.

I’ll continue to write here at Conflict Zen, which focuses mostly on workplace conflict resolution. But if you’re interested in the challenge and joy of resolving differences in your marriage or with your lifelong partner, I hope you’ll subscribe to The Year 20 Reboot. I’ve got five posts up so far:

Gosh, hope I’m not either completely mad or a narcissist. Or a masochist, come to think of it, since I’m leaving comments open over there.

If you’re a blogger or active on any of the social media sites, I’d sure appreciate you helping me get the word out about the Reboot project. If I’m going to do this, I might as well get a bunch of smart people reading along and sharing your insights.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Unclutter your negotiations and focus on what really matters

Tammy Lenski — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 13:15:40 +0000

Today I’m presenting two negotiation and conflict resolution workshops for the Women’s Leadership Summit taking place in Manchester, NH. If you’re arriving here at Conflict Zen for the first time because of the workshop, a special welcome to you!

For those of you who weren’t at the workshops, there were three big take-aways: How to recognize what is really important in any negotiation, how to keep the conversation on track, and how to set aside the garbage and prevent it from polluting the negotiation. Here are some of the ideas and stories I shared, plus a few bonus resources:

If you enjoy the above articles, I hope you’ll consider subscribing to receive new articles automatically (it’s free). And if you’re interested in inviting me into your own organization or meeting to do this workshop, I’d welcome your call.

Thanks, my Women’s Leadership Summit friends, for helping make the workshops a totally enjoyable gig,

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Simple gifts from judy ringer

Tammy Lenski — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 19:54:51 +0000

‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free,
‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

– Shaker hymn, Simple Gifts

I was delighted to find Judy Ringer’s new CD, Simple Gifts: Making the Most of Life’s Ki Moments waiting for me when I got back from client travel, an unexpected gift from Judy. And when I popped it in my car’s CD player on the way to work the next morning, my delight increased. Judy’s sweet voice started my day right with her rendition of Simple Gifts, one of my favorite songs. I’ve been humming it as I’ve gardened all weekend.

Simple Gifts, the CD, is a mixture of Judy’s stories, singing and wisdom for re-centering and finding joy in life. It’s the kind of CD you want to listen to again and again, an uplifting reminder of what’s good and right in our lives and a gentle lesson in keeping balance even in difficult moments.

If you’re a fan of Conflict Zen, I think you’ll appreciate and enjoy Simple Gifts.

Thank you, Judy, for the lovely gift.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

A visualization for letting go of things you can’t change

Tammy Lenski — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 11:16:37 +0000

My mother died during an asthma attack when I was in my mid-twenties. I grieved and grieved for the loss of both my mother and my best friend. And when I was diagnosed with adult-onset asthma a few years later, I took it very seriously.

That’s when I discovered visualizations and their power to change my reactions. Since several of you who took my poll mentioned the desire to learn letting go, I’m going to share with you a powerful visualization for letting go of something your brain wants to keep chewing on, even when it’s past the time you can do anything about it.

Use it for letting go of things you can’t change. For letting go of things you can change but aren’t things you’ll really care about when you’re 100 and looking back on your life. For letting go of the daily little hassles that you don’t want crowding out your joy. For letting go of the things that annoy you in your relationship with your partner or spouse, those things that create whining and debris but you know down deep don’t really matter.

I created this visualization for my own need to let go of things my brain wouldn’t shut up about. If you’re scared of bridges, this one may not work for you. This visualization works best if you can find a quiet spot for a couple of minutes, someplace you won’t be interrupted or disturbed and is a spot in which you can close your eyes.

Ready?

Picture this in your mind’s eye: It’s a sunny, beautiful day, just the perfect temperature. You’re walking on a gravel path with the warmth of the sun on your face, a light breeze moving across your cheek. You hear the birds chirping. You smell the fragrance of spring flowers. All your senses are alive.

You reach a low footbridge extending over a small river. You walk up on the bridge, which curves upward to an apex over the moving water. Picture the sound your footsteps make on the wooden bridge, the feel of your body moving up a slight hill to the point where the bridge is the highest, about 10 feet above the water. You stand near the waist-high railing at the apex and gaze downstream, watching the water move and curl and recede into the distance. Hear the birds chirping and feel the breeze again.

Cup your hands as though you’re about to receive a gift in them. But today you’re not receiving, you’re giving. In your cupped hands is the memory, the trouble, the problem, the thing you want to let go of. Look down and see it there. You say good-bye to it, not with venom or sadness, just with clarity. Good-bye.

You toss the thing from your cupped hands into the water below. It lands with a slight splash and begins to move away from you in the current. You watch it. It bumps for a moment against a submerged rock, then continues downstream. You never take your eyes off of it. You watch it until it reaches the point where the river water also disappears from your sight. Good-bye for good, you say.

You raise up your arms and stretch slowly, luxuriatingly, feeling what it’s like to have a weight off your shoulders. Then you turn, not looking again at the water, and continue off the far side of bridge, into your future.

For a particularly bothersome problem you want to let go, you may have to do this visualization a few times (though I recommend not in a row).

Have a great visualization for letting things go? Please share it in the comments. By the way, I’m going to record the above visualization and make it available here as soon as I have the chance.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Working with your spouse without harming your marriage

Tammy Lenski — Thu, 28 May 2009 16:23:25 +0000

I love my husband and we’re celebrating 20 years together next month by re-creating our first four dates in Burlington, VT (his idea, still the romantic!). But I doubt very much I could work with him every day – or he with me. Some marriages are better when those in them find their vocational joy separately.

If you’re someone who does work with your spouse or partner, or thinks you might like to, then I recommend the good advice available over at Inc.com.

How to work with your spouse – and not kill each other is a brief slideshow with seven tips, including:

Work together before launching a business
“Collaboration on something as simple as a home remodeling project can offer some insight into whether a couple can coexist in the business world. If you can’t get through that, you might want to rethink launching a company side-by-side. ‘If one person was away on business often and worked late and the other person had their own career, although they may be married and live together, when you haven’t interacted on projects together you can only hope for the best,’ says Max Beckwith, co-founder of The Little Author.”

Oh, and those first four dates of ours? Hiking Mt. Hunger, picnicking at the Burlington Boathouse, canoeing to Burton Island, and dinner followed by a theatre production at St. Mike’s Playhouse.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.