Conflictable Composition

Deicide

2010-04-20T00:34:00.005-05:00

So.. I just spent the last hour of my life preventing 3 guys from my dorm floor from committing suicide. I found this experience quite.. different, for lack of a more qualified term. A year ago, I wouldn't have had cared. I was dealing witht he same situation all 3 of these guys were talking about. A broken heart.

Why is it, that even if everything else in life is going well, we force ourselves to focus on specific, negative parts of our lives? These guys have plenty of great things going for them: college, intellect, friends, and the kind of guys I'd be jealous of just from their physiques. Yet, still, convinced that the loves they had just lost were the last they'd ever have, they were ready to just give it up. I don't know.. Here was my struggle---

I didn't know what to say to them. How was I to justify that they could love again? I'd been in their very places, further even. I attempted suicide multiple times, was committed, and still found it difficult to move on with life. I does one change the mind of someone so set that they will never find someone meant for them? Well, if it helps anyone, I didn't have an answer.

I didn't change their minds about suicide. I just stopped them from doing it. I took their keys, I broke the only will they had left; the will to actually stop everything. I don't have an answer on how to save a life. I'm not a hero or anything.. If anything, I feel like a coward. A coward for not stepping in and telling them to live life.

Love, in life, is one of the greatest gifts I've ever recieved. I've had a privelege to form relationships with many people, to love them, to be loved in return. To find my special someone. But I can't relate my life to others. Everyone has to go through rough spots at some point. Was I lucky, or unlucky, enough to have had my time earlier than some? It's not as if my life's a breeze now that I've discovered something meaningful in life. I don't even know what I'm trying to say at this point..

I sit here and see that my life has changed. It's constantly changing. The same is true for everyone in this world. No one truly knows what will happen next, but how we deal with it, that's what makes us who we are. That's what builds us up, or breaks us down. So, when the time comes, how will you deal with life?

The Revenger's High

2010-03-24T00:34:00.000-05:00

Hey, Soul Sister

by: Train

Hey.

Heeeeey.

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains.

I knew I wouldn't forget ya', and so I went and let you blow my mind.

Your sweet moonbeam.

The smell of you in every single dream I dream.

I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind.

Hey, Soul Sister.

Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo.

The way you move ain't far ya' know.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Hey.

Heeeey.

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me.

You gave my life direction.

A game show love connection we can't denyyyyyy.

I'm so obsessed.

My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.

I believe in you.

Like a virgin, you're Madonna.

And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind.

Hey, Soul Sister.

Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo.

The way you move ain't fair ya' know.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Way you can cut a rug.

Watching you's the only drug I need.

So gansta', I'm so thug.

You're the only one I'm dreamin' of, you see.

I can be myself now, finally.

In fact, there's nothing I can't be.

I want the world to see you be with me.

Hey, Soul Sister.

Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo.

The way you move ain't fair ya' know.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Hey.

Heeeey.

Tonight.

Hey.

Heeeey.

Tonight.

Empty Dialogue

2010-02-19T00:34:00.002-06:00

The Blazing Glaciers

2010-02-05T12:34:00.004-06:00

I've come to a moment of revelation. It occured last night.. I'm not quite sure exactly what's caused this amazing epiphany, but it's the greatest feeling I've ever felt!! :D Allow me to attempt to explain...

This is how my heart started out after I was hurt.. Shattered. Incapable of being repaired. So what was I do? It's not easy going from this feeling to anything humane. So...

It became this. Frozen. I became cold-hearted. In a sense.. I'm sure plenty of people would testify this. Anyone who did deal with this.. I'm sorry ]: This was probably the single worst time period of my life.. I didn't know who I was, who anyone was. I felt nothing but resentment to the entire world. There was nothing I could do to make this feeling go away.. My heart was totally shut off to the world.. Until... [;

.
.

.

I met my Shelbi Lynne! :D And suddenly the shell around my heart began to break apart. My defenses against feelings and emotion had been completely torn down.. I started feeling human again.. Of course, I started feeling remorse and regret for the way I'd treated everyone I cared about.. But there really wasn't anything I could do to take all that back was there? No.. /: Of course, I wasn't whole.. Underneath that barrier, my heart hadn't been given room to heal..

But then it slowly began to [: My heart had been pieced back together and was slowly but most certainly becoming whole again. It was a difficult process... I experienced all those old, paranoid issues; jealousy, selfishness, etc. All the things I'd done in the past to mess up good, stable relationships. I doubted, disbelieved: I didn't deserve what I was receiving, thus, I questioned it... But, before I knew it....

.

My heart was burning with love!!! I was utter happiness, more than I'd ever truly experienced before. Shelbi showed me love I'd never been given before in my life. She genuinely liked me and everything I was. She loved all my problems, never got upset when I'd lose control and freak out like in my past.. She put up with alot of paranoia and I finally realized.. I'm not losing this girl. She's mine. All mine [: So where to you go from such a burning love?? What more is there? Love is supposed to be the strongest emotion.. So where do you go from there? Something felt to simple about it just being love.. I had to figure it out.

Piper and Leo.

Romeo and Juliet.

Zack and Aeris.

Sora and Kairi.

Shawn and Juliet [;

Emil and Malia ;D

All of those couples seemed to have something more than just love. Something that couldn't truly be only expressed as love. Even more than what some would consider 'true love.' And I knew I'd suddenly found this. It's as if.. My soul was never really with me.. As if Shelbi was the one in possession of my soul, so as long as I didn't have her, I was fully incapable of being complete. Now that we're together, my soul is complete. Side note: Elias has like a copy of my soul. The kind of thing when you realize that someone can truly understand everything about you no matter how different you may seem. That's how I am with both Shelbi and Elias.. It's so strange!! So what is it I found I have with Shelbi??

My answer:

Transcension!

My heart cannot contain what I'm experiencing. The simple emotion of love doesn't come to close to what I've found. Ever since I talked long ago with Emil, I've searched for this. And somehow I was lucky enough to stumble across this. Everything has fallen into place and I've obtained a higher understanding of everything in my life! All the questions I've had about myself, my relationships, my problems; all solved in the moment of bliss I discovered I was living in. I understand how people can pass away when they're 'one' leaves them in this life. They can't go on without this person because, in an essence, they're one soul existing in two bodies. That's a revelation that not even I am sure of how I just went about explaining. It was a journey through my life and my 'loves' and everything I've gone through.. I remembered everything in an everlasting instant, and finally; Epiphany!!! :D Anyone understand?? Someday I'm sure people can find this in their own time.. Perhaps their time won't even be within their actual lifetime, but at some point in their existence, everyone may find this [:

DKWI.

Shelbi!

2010-01-29T17:27:00.001-06:00

i love muh shelbi and i is bloggin just fer her bc she likes wen i blog!!!!! :D E>

Tell Your Children The Truth

2010-01-17T12:34:00.004-06:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So! After about a month and 4 incomplete/un-published posts later.. I've finally been hit. With the inspiration. The inspiration I seek to actually commit to one of these posts! It'd been missing for a while.. What with a month long Christmas break, stress of college, and other such pleasures, I've finally come to a revelation. So. Alas, we begin.

I am a dreamer.

I dream of being something great.

I imagine, I wish..

Mostly, I like to imagine I'm super sometimes..

Like, I'm a hero..

You see.. I live my life in fantasy.

I play games, watch shows, all these things that revolve around...

Heroes.

Final Fantasy,

Dragon Ball Z,

Batman,

Superman,

Outlaw Star,

Lots lots more.

~~~~~~~~~

And, I like to combine these, in my mnid, and become something greater than I could ever possibly become. And, I grow sad and weary at times because I know that I will never reach my dreams... My dreams are beyond the stars.. Beyond the far reaches of space and imagination...

~~~~~~~~

Well...

Most of them.

~~~~~~

I also dream of Love.

~~~~~~~

With most of the heroes I watch, there is ALWAYS, at least 99.9% of the time, Love. Complete. Undying. Far surpassing the abilities held by the heroes themselves. And that is where I find myself dreaming most vividly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I'll never fly through the skies.

I'll never be strong enough to right the wrongs in the world.

I'll never possess supernatural, superhuman, any kind of super abilities.

Except One.

I love like there's no tomorrow. I put my whole entire heart into love. That's one thing I can be proud of. The dream I'm sure of. The dream I know I've already reached.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Shelbi is gone.. Enjoying her time at disney world [: And I lay back watching Superman Returns.. I was suddenly struck with my realizations... I became sullen about never being able to have powers such as his.. But, then I realized.. Most of these heroes experience tragic romance. But I;ve surpassed evn the heroes of legend and lore and fantasy. I have a stupendous love!!! And I'm so thasnkful for it [: I'm exuberant about having my dearest Shelbi. Many a time I thought I'd found what I'd been searching for... I was experiencing tragic romances that of what the heroes had. But, the dreams weren't to settle for that of heroes. What I've found now is a true, real dream. Except my dream is reality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In all honesty, I've put an immeasurable amount of thought into marriage. Yes, I know. That's a huge deal. Tremendous, in fact. But, even though Shelbi and I have only dated 6 months, I've realized countless times that Shelbi is infalliable. At least, in respect, to our relationship. We simply coincide so well together [: I've never had a relationship as lasting as this one.. She's officially my longest relationship.. [: As well as my most stable relationship.. Right from the beginning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She had me at. "Hello.."

Or rather, "I like your shoes.."

^-^

And thus, I know, Shelbi is the girl I wish to be with for all eternity, although I've come to relaize eternity itself shall never be mine to roam [:

I Hate Loneliness, But It Loves Me

2009-12-03T00:34:00.000-06:00

That's how I feel..

I find myself extremely alone... The people I've made as friends are leaving.. And the people I try and be friends with are already safe enough in their own group of friends that I've no space to fit in.. I mean, no ones really unkind to me or anything, but.. I just don't fit in.. Becky's leaving.. Mike's leaving.. Elias already left me... Shelbi.. Shelbi's leaving... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'd prefer for eeryone to just hate me everywhere. At least that way, I wouldn't have to struggle to try and make relationships. I'm just gonna give up on everything...

The Shooting Star Project

2009-11-18T00:34:00.003-06:00

I remember. The first time I truly realized that Shelbi was the one for me.. [:

It was a Saturday night.. Her and I had just been at the social gathering for Olde Towne DT, and she still had a while until she had to head back home. So, instead of stopping at her car, we simply passed it and went straight to Worthing. And just for the realization; we'd barely even kissed by this point... That was the most we'd ever done.. Little kisses on the lips and rubbin' our noses together.... ^.^

So, we get to Worthing, and we head over to the school park, where other kids happened to be hanging out at as well, at 10:30 at night. We just kinda ignored them until they went away.. Then we explored the rest of the park.. Eventually, we layed down on top of one of the pieces of playground equipment.. As we were lying there, we both saw a shooting star go by..

She'd never seen a shooting star in real life before...

And they they all went flying by.. [:

We just so happened to have ssettled down just in time for a meteor shower.. And that's when I was hit with the realization. It was the 'Sleep-Watch' moment I said I wanted before... The feeling at least.. But, I have had plenty of actual moments like that since just to further verify my beliefs..

And, in turn, we are today happily together for 4 months [: We've barely ever argued, and typically, when we do, it's completely jovial [: I absolutely love my Shelbi Lynne...

:D E>

Nice To Meet You. [I Will Beat You.]

2009-11-14T12:34:00.001-06:00

Dissidia: Final Fantasy

Soooooooooooo. I've decided to nerd it up for a bit [: I'm gonna play through the entire Final Fantasy series! So far, I'm only missing VIII, XI, and Tactics. I've been playing Dissidia and Crisis Core like crazy lately.. But!! I've made slight progression on FFI. So!! Whenever I finish these games, I'll clue ya' in!! :D

Peace!

Right Of My Heart

2009-11-13T12:34:00.002-06:00

According To You

According to you:

I'm stupid,

I'm useless,

I can't do anything right.

According to you:

I'm difficult,

Hard to please,

Forever changing my mind.

I'm a mess in a dress,

Can't show up on time,

Even if it would save my life.

According to you.

But according to him:

I'm Beautiful,

Incredible,

He can't get me out of his head.

According to him:

I'm funny,

Irresestible,

Everything he ever wanted.

Everything is opposite,

I don't feel like stopping it,

So baby tell me what I got to lose.

He's into me for everything I'm not;

According to you.

According to you:

I'm boring,

I'm moody,

You can't take me any place.

According to you:

I suck at telling jokes 'cuz I always give it away.

I'm the girl with the worst attention span,

You're the boy who puts up with it.

According to you.

But according to him:

I'm beautiful,

Incredible,

He can't get me out of his head.

According to him:

I'm funny,

Irresistible,

Everything he ever wanted.

Everything is opposite,

I don't feel like stopping it,

So baby tell me what I got to lose.

He's into me for everything I'm not;

According to you.

I need to feel appreciated,

Like I'm not hated.

Oh, no.

Why can't you see me through his eyes?

It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay.

According to me:

You're stupid.

You're useless.

You can't do anything right.

But according to him:

I'm beautiful,

Incredible,

He can't get me out of his head.

According to him:

I'm funny,

Irresistible,

Everything he ever wanted.

Everything is opposite,

I don't feel like stopping it,

Baby tell me what I got to lose.

He's into me for everything I'm not;

According to you. {You, you}

According to you:

I'm stupid.

I'm useless.

I can't do anything right.

This song made me think about stuff.. And kinda made me feel really good [: I just interchange out he/him/his/etc. for she/her/hers/etc.... ;P

Monster And A Transfer Pt. 2 [The Deathberry]

2009-10-29T00:34:00.010-05:00

It's A Happy BLEACH HALLOWEEN!!!!

Turn Back The Pendulum 10

2009-10-28T12:34:00.005-05:00

Psyduck--That one's for Mike [:

So. I wrote a note on facebook, and decided to somewhat copy Natasha and post it here [: Along with my usual random pics/ vids/ whatever ;P

TEN things I wish I could say to 10 different people:

1. Hi [: I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.. I don't know how I ever found you.. When we first met, I would've given anything just to be your friend. You're just soooo perfect for me. You're an actress, you're a drummer, you wear converse.. I don't even know what else to say about you... I can't express these feelings well enough [: I love you E>

2. Fuck you. I can't stand you, brah. 'Cept for the fact that I absolutely love you, man. You're my best friend. We're exactly the same. Except, of course, for that one small difference, that, although I always give you shit for it, I can't quite remember it [; We both know I gotta problem, dude. But, even when you ditch me for months at a time, I know that if I really needed your help, I got it. You're my brother from no other mother. We're bound to have the same birthday, and we can say that 'cuz you don't know when yours is ;P You and I are one and the same. I love you, bro. Come back ]:

3. I LOVE YOU, SISSY!!! :D You're always there for me, more than any other girl ever has been. Through all the crazy girls I've gone through, you've stood there and watched my back, helped me keep my heart mostly in tact. I know there was only so much you could do from the other side of the country, but you still managed to do every bit of it. I don't know how I could ever repay you for remaining my bestest friend since 3rd grade. We know that we're both crazy, just for puttin' up with one another :D I love ya!

4. You're probably one of my newest best friends. Just met ya this summer, and now we hang out all the time. Or.. At least as much as both our incomes allow.. :P We've had a bunch of good times, dealing with each other less-than-intelligent moments, 'Leaving Iowa,' strkie for 'Fuddy Meers.' Plenty of other times. I envy you a lot. I think you're really talented in acting, really sociable and good at making friends, I sometimes wish I was more like you. You kick ass, and 'I love you, Man' [; (Even if I still haven't seen that movie, as much as you insist :P )

5. We used to be really close. Then, shit happened. I know what people said, I know what everyone said. I know all the assumptions and accusations amde about me, but I don't care. I know how I felt and I didn't just use you. I really liked you. Really. You helped me become unbroken. You were my best friend for the longest time. I'm glad we're able to fix some shit up now. Makes my life easier, not having to deal with so much drama; or at least makes it so I don't have drama to ignore ;P (Hopefully, that didn't sound mean..?)

6. Ahhhh!!! You owe me sex! You pinkie-promised! JK............ For now [; I know you're BF would get upset if you had sex with, supposedly, a 'gay' guy. Maybe Brian and I should feel special he worries ;P though he probably does about all guys, so we're not that special... But!! You're probably my best friend at the school. More than Brian, 'cuz we hate him [; Not really, but it's a nice thought! You and I hang out more than he and I do. Plus, we don't have many more friends than outside that little loop, and I think he knows like.. Everybody! God! We talked about it the other day, you always have more fun with me [: I make things an adventure ;D Or at least try.. :P Obviously, I love, even when I try and say I hate you and you call me on it :l

Ex's I've decided to leave 'Un-Tagged'

7. You. My God. I fucking hate you. I thought you were my world. For nearly a year, you were. You cheated on me. Once with my best friend. And however many times after that? I don't even know. We tried, over and over. I kept trying to get you're affection back. But, you were way too interested in all the other guys. Even this summer. We had a really good relationship. We even made these extensive plans into trying again, but even when we tried committing to each other, you still couldn't keep your mind set on me. You had to go to all these other guys, and then, like it mattered, tried to make me think it was only me. But I knew. I'm not an idiot. You made it clear on your MySpace. Which, by the way, I don't feel creepy about lurking on, because, technically, we were a thing. Whatever. You're doomed to live a loveless life. You just want a quick fix. You don't know how to commit.

8. I'm really only mentioning you for one reason. It's because I have one thing to say to you, something I feel you deserve an explanation for. It's probably the shittiest thing I've ever done as a human being. I stopped liking you, wayyyy before I made those dumb promises, which, another guilt, I made because I thought I could find some stability if I'd run away. And the reason for that is--- You're the single most illiterate girl I've ever met, let alone dated. Don't get me wrong You're really nice, and you're fairly cute..? I never thought you were as gorgeous as everyone else seemed to rave about. But, I don't know.. It was just the biggest thing that has ever made me become unattracted to a girl.. And I feel you just deserve to know that. Which is why I'm saying it here, where you'll never read it. 'Cuz I'm pretty sure you don't even have Facebook. Thanks for ratting me out, by the way, when I ran away. If you hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am. I'd be in the shit hole called Fallon, NV.

9.You. Girl. You had me. Real good. I don't know how I fell for you so hard. You were just so different from any girl I'd ever met. It was one of the most appealing traits I've ever known in a person. I really miss hanging out with you, talking to you. I was totally into you, cihickie. I kinda felt like a pedophile, being that you were 3 years or so younger than me, but you never seemed that young. You're a lot older than your age says. I don't know how else to say anything to you. You intimidated me. I was actually worried about messing things up all the time. We had too little time together. That was both our faults. We both made mistakes. You'll always have a good place in my heart, though. You're one of the few to hold a lasting effect on me. A positive one, at least. I love you for that [:

10. Fuck... What am I supposed to say at this juncture? What is there to say about you? I love you, I hate you.. Everything in between I have felt about you. You're the girl I was with longer than any other.. We shared so much with each other.. I know I don't really matter in your life anymore.. And, for the most part, you don't matter in mine. But, lately.. I don't know.. I've just felt some kind of empty pit hollowing through my insides everytime I think about you. I don't know what's going on. I can't tell what we have going on here. It's like, half-friendship, half-nothing. I suppose that fits though, after being out of one anothers lives for so long.. I kinda wish we could've ended things better.. No.. I really wish we could have. I feel like I want you in my life. I want you there, even if it's just as a good friend. I find myself really wanting to talk to you lately. My heart went out to you the other night. At work.. When you came in and we talked as I BS'd in dining for about half an hour just so you could talk to me. I'm always here. I just wish you took advantage of that sometimes.. /: I don't know how I feel about you at this point, but i know now that I do love you. In one way, or another.

NINE things about myself:

1. I keep a lot of things bottled up; feelings, secrets, etc.
2. I'm scared of having no friends..
3. I'm scared of not being liked.. I just want to be a likable person.
4. I'm scared of growing old and getting feeble and becoming unable to do things I can now...
5. Typically, the harder I try not to fall in love, the faster I do.
6. Final Fantasy is my favorite game series, ever. Anything tied to it, as well. Such as other Square Soft/Enix games
7. The only manga/anime I enjoy anymore is Bleach, and it's the shit.
8. I love to eat 'Just Bunches' ; It's the best cereal in all of existence
9. I take pride in recognizing a large majority of actors/ actresses, musicians, etc.

EIGHT ways to win my heart:

1. Food [:
2. Be funny
3. Wear Converse
4. Like my music, or something I could like as well
5. Act
6. Drum
7. Be outgoing in a relationship
8. Keep my heart from tearing apart....

SEVEN things that cross my mind a lot:

1. Shelbi [:
2. Love.
3. My desperate money-need..
4. Texting, wishing people talked to me more :P
5. .... /:
6. Fitting in..
7. My physical appearance

SIX things I do before I fall asleep:

1. Plug in my phone, constantly checking it.
2. Plug in anything else that needs to be charged.
3.Check the internet; Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, Etc.
4. Make sure my homework is done.
5. Strip down 'til I'm comfortable :P
6. Get comfortable in my bed, or wherever I'm sleeping, and relax.

FIVE people [or groups of people] who mean a lot.

1. Shelbi
2. Elias
3. Caitlin
4. Family
5. Yea...

FOUR things you're wearing right now.

1. Dark-blue Aeropostle shirt I've had for a couple years..
2. 'Express Jeans' jeans that have a huge rip on my thigh
3. Tights I wear for Fundamentals, so my legs don't freeze from the rip
4. Two different socks and some brand of underwear

THREE songs that you listen to often. [Currently]

1. Replay by Iyaz
2. The Curse of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For
3. Down by Jay Sean, ft. Lil' Wayne

TWO things you want to do before you die.

1) Have my own family
2) Live life extremely

ONE confession.

1. I'm terrified of not knowing what I want, which sometimes leads me to think I want things i don't... /:

And that's that [: Not much more to add to this particular blog.. I'll post again when I've got something more interesting or whatever :P

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------Eevee-------------------------Scyther-------------------------------

2009-10-26T09:00:00.001-05:00

I said I was super content. That's a lie. I'm way beyond content [:

The Last Of A Void War

2009-10-26T00:34:00.003-05:00

I just keep practicing,

saying goodbye to you

So... It seems like this may be it.. The end of a backless fight that has lasted the past 9-10 months... Between me and Zoey.

Zoey. What else am I supposed to say about Zoey? Since we broke up.. There's just been a tremendous and endless amount of tension between us. Harsh tension. But, within this past week or so, we've kinda been talking. When it started, I was kinda upset, irritated, wondering how we could just move on from everything that has happened, and just attempting to be the best of friends. But now, I don't know.. It feels kinda.. Nice..? Honestly. We're not BEST friends, but it's like we're good friends.. After all the arguments and animosity, I actually feel myself enjoying friendship, with the girl I once believed I'd spend my whole life with.

"I miss talking to you.." -Zoey
"Then.. Talk to me..." -Me

It's probably the last thing I expected her to say to me. But, it kinda put a pit inside my stomach. It was just.. Different. In a very familiar way. I'm a contradictory person, if any of you haven't noticed by now. So, basically, for the past couple days, we've been tryin to catch each other on Facebook and stuff.. She came into Culver's the other day while I was working, so I sat in the dining room for a while, 'cleaning' tables and floors and such.. We had a nice chat.. Good laughs.. She told me some serious stuff, and those things, I believe, are what finally got me. I felt that old sympathy for her.. The kind I used to feel when we used to talk about problems going on in each others lives.. Make no mistake! I'm not going to go down that whole road of falling for her again; her and I aren't a pair. I've got my Shelbi now. I'm super content [: But, I just felt for her. I didn't pity her, I sympathized.

Anyway.. Thought I'd just get that out there.. Felt like it was a pretty major, new thing going on.. Other than that.. Not too much lately.. Hoping to find a new job down here so I don't have to travel an hour to work and an hour back everytime, spending 90% of my money on gas.. -_- I'm so in debt at this present juncture... ]: Mreh. Hopefully, I'll get to see Shelbi tomorrow, she was up in Alexandria all weekend so I barely got to even talk to her... /: Bah. Dumb Alexandria school...... :P Anywho.

Time for cool pics!! Commentssss!!! :D On any of this! [:

Making Good Relations, OK?

2009-10-15T00:34:00.005-05:00

This is quite possibly

one of the cutest

things ever

So [: Relationships have been strengthened. It's really nice. These people used to be major parts of my life. When they hated me, I simply stopped caring, so it was if they weren't there in my life anymore. But now that BOTH of them have become friends of mine once again, I realize how nice it is to care about them again. Just as friends.. But still.. [:

Natasha--- She really helped me through a bunch of stuff with Zoey. I really, REALLY liked her. But, everyone thinks I used her, that I was just playing her. Sometimes I think that if maybe that IS what I had done... Then maybe life would've been easier. Idk.. That way, I wouldn't have actually cared, and I wouldn't have been so hurt when people actually started making those accusations.. But whatevs.. It's in the past now [:
Zoey--- Here's the kicker. Never thought her and I were ever going to talk civilly again. I'm pretty sure her parents still don't even want her talking to me. Understandable. I put her through a bunch of shit before everything blew up. But, we've had our highs and lows since then, and I think everything is finally good again, civility, that is :P

So. I really just want to point out that I'm glad ammends could be made between these two [: That's all... -.-

I really enjoy that ugly duckling.. Idk quite why. It's just incredibly adorable :D I wish I had an actual ugly duckling JUST LIKE that one that I could take care of and raise into a beautiful swan ^.^ Maybe that's how some relationships are. Like these for example. For a while they were really, EXTREMELY ugly-duckling-relationships. But maybe now they can grow and become something beautiful again. Friendship is indeed a beautiful thing [: It makes me happy to have friends. Really happy.

Life just seems to be going really well right now, in general. Friendships being rekindled. Cathcin' up in school. 'Bout to start looking for a job in town so I can actually make decent profit from working. And, as always, Shelbi.

Shelbi.

Shelbi Lynne :D I'm so in love with her.. She's got, as stated earlier in a conversation, my thump-thump completely and wholly in her possession now [: It's not even my own anymore. It BELONGS to her [: Everything between us is amazing. No fights, iiiiiincredible physicality, ability to flirt or not flirt and still be completely caught up in one another... ^.^ I honestly couldn't ask for anything, or anyone, better in my life, now or ever.

Anywho. I'm gonna go find a nice movie to enjoy [: Unfortunately, I went to watch my Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End movie, and my DVD wasn't in the case D: Maybe I'll watch Mike's The Number 23 movie.. [: Never seen all of it need something exciting.

Well! Until again!!!

{PEACE}

P.S. - I'd like to re-iterate the point I first made when creating this blog; I would REALLY appreciate feedback, comments, or just a 'I still read your blog' so I know I'm not hopelessly talking [: I just love seeing that I have comments.. Thanks! And now I shall leave you with an interesting thing [:

{{{}{PEACE}{}}}

Again... :P

A video from my favorite podcast; Radio Lab

[Psst... We're watchin' 300 :P]

A Curse Named Love

2009-10-12T12:34:00.003-05:00

Curse of Curves

I've got the gift of one liners

And you've got the curse of curves

And with this gift I compose words

And the question that comes forward

Are you perspiring from the irony

Or sweating to these lyrics

And this just in

You're a dead fit

But my wit won't allow it

The inside lingo had me at hello

And we go where the money goes

The inside lingo had me at hello

And we go where the money goes

I want someone provocative and talkative

But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower

And from what I've heard with skin you'll win

Her bone structure screams

"Touch her! Touch her!"

And she's got the curse of curves

So with the combination of my gift with one liners

And my way

My way with words

It seems I'm too hip to keep tight lipped

And you're on the gossip team

You're making something out of nothing

And jealousy's the cousin, the cousin of greed

The inside lingo had me at hello

And we go where the money goes

The inside lingo had me at hello

And we go where the money goes

I want someone provocative and talkative

But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower

And from what I've heard with skin you'll win

Her bone structure screams

"Touch her! Touch her!"

And she's got the curse, the curse of:

From what I've heard with skin you'll win

We all have teeth that can bite underneath

To where the reality grows

Yeah, that's where mine go

That's where mine go

We all have teeth that can bite underneath

To where the reality grows

Yeah that's where mine go

Where the reality grows

From what I've heard with skin you'll win

And from what I've heard with skin you'll win

I want someone provocative and talkative

But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower

And from what I've heard with skin you'll win

Her bone structure screams

"Touch her! Touch her!"

And she's got the curse, the curse of:

From what I've heard with skin you'll win

With skin you'll win

Skin you'll win

They Died for Vengeance | | | For the Sake of Revenge, Lead Us to Death

2009-10-10T12:34:00.004-05:00

Through the Back.

Sometimes things never change. Sometimes everything changes. Sometimes it's all the same, changing and the same all at once. I find this hindering to a life. Whatevs.

I was led to believe that I was friends with certain people. So, when one of these people told me of a dilemma, I sympathized. Against the better judgement I'd had for the past few months. But then they decided to go and blame me for their incident because, apparantly, I'm an 'asshole and a stoner.' Hahah! Wow... Obviously that person is the asshole and stoner, 'cuz they're blatantly being a fucker, and obviously very misled in what they believe. Whatever. This is why I drop these kinds of people from my life. Anyone with 'em--- Don't need it. I'm not a part of this ridiculous drama anymore. It's nice to see you people from time to time; I have no part of your lives. You don't want me in them, I don't want to be in them, we're all good.

In other news--- I'm having a spectacualr life! :D I've got alot of cool friends down here at college! I've been gettin' some good hours in for work, regardless of the bullshit that happens in that department of my life. I'm gettin' back up there with my homework.. :P Aaaaand.... Of course---

Shelbi [: Idk... She's just so... wonderful. She's so perfect for me. She's a normal person. She's just like everyone else, except that she's just like me ^.^ More than anyone I've ever met.. Even Elias!! :o I know, right?? But yes. Her and I get closer EXPONENTIALLY everyday. We talk about everything on our minds.. Even when I don't wanna talk about things.. When Zoey and I dated, she would always ask me what was wrong and I would NEVER tell her, but... I dunno.. I feel like I can just trust Shelbi not to get upset or think I'm stupid or anything like that!!! Everything between her and I is absolutely incredible. I've never felt so right with someone in my life before [: Coincidentally--- Since I first met Shelbi, I've never felt like I belonged with someone more than her. Which!!! Brings me to a nice revelation!

--->

-->

Zoey Groman. As most know, I was completely caught up in her. In honesty, though, alot of things happened during that relationship. Things that no one knows about. 'Cept for me and Elias. And other people involved. Just 'cuz Elias is the only person I ever told. Not to sound like I went around and just cheated on Zoey or somethin' all over the place. Just. Stuff that truly showed how fuckin' unstable that relationship was. Now, even through all the shit that happened with that chick, I still felt as if I was MEANT to be with her. And, now, I realize I was. Just not meant to be with her INDEFINITELY. If it wasn't for Zoey, I would've never been so perfectly fit for Shelbi [: Zoey got me into alot of things that fit me so well to my darling. Converse, bands, stuff like that. In fact, every MAJOR relationship I've been in, I've felt as if I was MEANT to be with those people. Zoey. Chantelle. Steph. Cassie. Ashley. But, I WAS meant to be with them. I was meant to be with them so they could help me become the person that could fit so well in the end with Shelbi.

^.^

So!! I must say that I am extremely thankful to those people that helped me become who I am!!! Even if one of them absolutely hates me :D Ah well!

Anywho... I've gotta get at least ONE essay out today :P Plus I got my SI for the Soc. Prob. Exam #1 tonight!!!!!!! Gotta be ready for that thing tomorrow!!!

*Peace*

'I'll wait for you there, like a stone. I'll wait for you there alone.'

Heat In Trust

2009-09-26T12:34:00.002-05:00

First Time by: Life House

We're both looking for something

We've been afraid to find

It's easier to be broken

It's easier to hide

Looking at you, holding my breath,

For once in my life, I'm scared to death,

I'm taking a chance, letting you inside.

Feeling alive all over again,

As deep as the sky, under my skin

Like being in love, she says

For the first time

Maybe I'm wrong,

But I'm feeling right where I belong

With you tonight

Like being in love

To feel for the first time

The world that I see inside you

Waiting to come to life

Waking me up to dreaming

Reality in your eyes

Looking at you,

Holding my breath,

For once in my life

I'm scared to death,

I'm taking a chance,

Letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again

As deep as the sky that's under my skin

Like being in love, she says, for the first time

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right

Where I belong with you tonight

Like being in love to feel for the first time

We're crashing

Into the unknown

We're lost in this

But it feels like home

I'm feeling alive all over again

As deep as the sky that's under my skin

Like being in love, she says, for the first time

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right

Where I belong with you tonight

Like being in love to feel for the first time

**************

****More later [; ****

****PEACE!****

************

Grey Wolves, Red Blood, Black Clothes, White Bones

2009-09-21T00:34:00.004-05:00

SO! Been a little while, but just a little [: I'm gonna start this off with sayin' "What the helll?!" Look at that frickin' Rubik's 360!!!!! I just got that this weekend, courtesy of my father!!! [: It's insaneeeee!!! In addition, I finally got a 4x4 cube and can now solve cubes that are 2x2, 3x3, 4x4, AND 5x5. Plus 3x3's with faces.. ;P Anywho.. I've had amazing days lately... ^.^ Some off putting ones.. But days that are good, today for example, make it all worth it [: Not much details to talk about out loud, but, stilll veryyyyyyy incredible :D

Well! Right now, I SHOULD be workin' on the essays/journals I didn't have time to work on this weekend, all of which I need to turn in tomorrow/ this morning.. -_- BUT! Thanks to my need to stay up to do this, I purchased 5-hour energy in an attempt to see if it worked, as everyone else so claims. And it hella did!!! Practically instantly! And, with that, I was inspired! My inspiration involved me deciding to get tattoos and a piercing/s!!!!! Here we go!!!!

I plan for this to go on prolly the back of one of my shoulders ^.^ It's basically a tattoo to memorialize Shelbi, but at the same time, if something happens between us [I certainly hope not], it's not like I got her name tattooed on my body... -_- Not sure what size I want quite yet... :P I got some time though [: Moving on----

I want this on like, an ankle or something [: Not too big or anything, just enough to be able to tell that it's a rubik's cube, and that it looks really bad ass [; Basically, I want the tattoos so that they're not blatantly in the open, for my future theater career. [: Tattoos can be a hindrance in landing roles if they're limiting to a role, etc. But these ones are really cool and can easily be concealed ^.^ Otay! Onto the piercing! ;D

Bam! This is what I want [: A lip piercing :D I'm currently debating on just gettin' my right side pierced, or getting the snakebite look, like in this photo ^.^ Much thanks to one of my besties, Heather Todd [: , for aiding me in my piercing connundrum {: So!!! Time for some interaction [; I need some input on what I should do for the piercing. Right side? Snakebite? What do you guys think???? Lemme know!! :D

Well! There's my little update [: BTW- I'm planning on doing a 3-step process. Meaning--- 1 of these every 2 weeks, AKA-- Each paycheck [: Which means!!! Step 1 willl be this weekend!!! Well... Hopefully :P Furthermore, Step 1 is the piercing [; So!!! Please comment soooooon!!!!! ^-^ Welll, time to finally go do that work!!!!

Peace!!!!!

PS--- I'm now about 65% ready for what's comin'... [: Before I was about 30% ready, than 70% nervous. Now it's practically flipped completely! :D Plus, I now know how soon it'll be upon me. About one week, a little less... -_- But, now I have so much more confidence [: A'ight.

Peace!!! Finally, Again. [:

Drowsy, Bloody, Crazy

2009-09-14T00:34:00.002-05:00

Welp. Looks like I'll be off to bed soon. Did some of that work I had to do.. Then lookin' over my stuff, I see that it looks like I forgot to get something turned in on Friday that was due... -_- I don't even know at this point.. Honestly. English is giving me more trouble than any other class. I typicaly enjoy English, but I really can't wait to be done with that class...

So.. I'm tryin' to finish puttin' some music from CD's into my iTunes... Once I'm done with that I'll be off to bed.. To get about 4 hrs of sleep.. -_- BUT!! I can totally sleep once I'm all done with classes tomorrow if I need... [: 'Cuz if I do get to see Shelbi, I could also nap with her! Which would just make me sleep that much better ^-^

BTW-- I just finished off an energy drinks I'd had from earlier... So I'm anticipating crazy dreams. Typically, when I sleep after drinking energy drinks, I have the STRANGEST dreams!!! So! If I do dream, and remember my dreams, I may let you in on these little adventures of my sleep... [:

One last thing... -_- I'm really worried about this thing that I've been thinkin' about... I've talked about it plenty of times with plenty of people in my life.. But now that it's so close... And available... I'm kinda nervous, worried, maybe even scared a litte..? /: But.. On the other hand... I'm over-joyed.. And anxious.. Excited... It's a big flurry of emotions... And I'm not really sure how I'll handle it when my time runs out... }: Oh well.... Guess there's no real way to prepare for this... I'll deal with it...

Alright my friends. This is my farewell. My eyes are kinda bleeding.... I wanna sleep... [What??????] Yep.. It's true... :P

Peace.. -_-

Leave The Chocolate Here

2009-09-14T00:34:00.000-05:00

Finally!!! The time has come for my promise to be carried out!! I shall finally let out the pics of my Labor Day Weekend!! Well, the ones I took with my phone at least.... More may be coming in the near future... [;

Here's the water... :P Plain and simple.. It looked ishy :l

Here's more water... And part of the dock I was standing

when I took these day photos!!! :D It like... Had turns and

Stuff.... Tehe.. [:

I thought this looked really nice.. Just lookin'

out across the water.. c:

I liked that cloud.. ;P It seemed pretty secluded
from the other larger clouds.. /:

And this was just another really nice view of another cloud

I happened to see.. [:

:o This made me think of the 1st HP movie when I saw how it

turned out after takin' the pic.. :D

That's a cobweb [: Outside of the bathrooms.. It was a

huge web!! But you can't really tell from the pic.. ]:

Here's some pictures of the fire

Heh.. [; This is where we sat at night when it was REALLY cold.. I slept outside one of those nights, and after the fire went out I had to wrap up in like... 3 blankets ;P lol

This is one of the candles we lit... :P

I liked it.. Not really. But I wanted

to see how it would look on camera

These are some flowers we had on our

picnic table.. I used a flash light so I could

take the picture.. Heheh [:

A rock!!! It looks pretty small actually..

In the picture..? But it was actually like..

my size almost :o I hid behind and scared

my little sister.. Shhh! [:

Aaaaand that was the speed limit through
the camp grounds [: I broke the law whenever

I would run through 'cuz 5 miles an hour is

REALLY slow -_-

This is the sign, outside the bathrooms ;P

I thought it was funny that they had to put

that outside the area with toilets and showers.

I spose they weren't so much worried about a

fire as the smell lingerin'... There were NO windows

in those restrooms. So all the steam built up and stuff...

This is the playset at the McDonald's we ate at

before leaving the town where the camp was by [:

The playset didn't have the normal rules restricting

older people from running around inside. Sooo...

I relived some childhood memories [:

Another view.. From INSIDE the playset

And again... :P

And me, creepin' on my little sister goin' down

the slide.. :P Then I chased her down and stole her

toy [; Just kiddin'... [:

And that's part of my Labor Day Weekend for you!! :D Once I get those other pics, I can put them up and tell you all 'bout my kayakin' adventures!!! :D

Welp. Homework time :P I need to start doin' this crap sooner.. -_- Ah well... I got to be with Shelbi all day.. [: And Elias (: And I'm gonna get to see Shelbi tomorrow too!! :D Hopefully she actually comes down here... Then we could actually get some decent time alone together... [; A'ight...

Peace out friends [:

Night Side Of Abduction

2009-09-11T00:34:00.003-05:00

I have class in... about 4 hours. And I still have to do the incredibly stupid essay for it... -_- Luckily!! I've got coffee, some new energy drink, and prolly a few other techniques I can imply in order to stay awake to write it, go to my classes, go to work, AND hang out with Shelbi.. That last won't won't be very difficult.. ^.^ Anywho.. Essays, right? Duuumb. It made no sense what we're supposed to do...

---Make a timeline. A literacy timeline, wtf that means, of 6 events and turn them into a 450 word story. Ummm.. OK..?

1] How the hell am I supposed to tie 6 'random' events from my life into a story about the evolution of my literary process..?

2] How the hell am I supposed to get said-6-random-events into a mere 450 word story?? OK, OK. The minimum is 450, but honestly, I'm not that dedicated to this class A.T.M. :l

Ugh.

On a happier note... I am hanging out with Shelbi tomorrow! Err.. Today..? :D Which meanss.... Jordynn will prolly get to meet her when we go to FPF [: And I'll be with her! ^-^

On a less happy note... I have to work from 12-9 on Saturday.. -_- Goddddd, kill me.

.........Actually, it'd be fine if you didn't...? [: ?

Welp. Time to synch up my iPod, listen to some music, down my energy sources, and get to workin' on that piece of bull!! P: Blech.

Peace Out.

P.S. - I finally learned how to solve a 2x2x2 Rubik's [Ice] Cube.. Actually, this thing is harder than it looks.. {Heh.. That's what she said... [; or was it what he said..? Hmmm.... }

PEACE. For real this time.... P:

2009-09-10T09:23:00.001-05:00

Note to Self : Anti-Depressants do WONDERS! :D

Starter

2009-09-09T12:34:00.000-05:00

P.S. - - It's been a month and a half with Shelbi, today. ;D

Tehe...

Peaccccce!

Monster And A Transfer [Struck Down]

2009-09-09T00:34:00.001-05:00

Well. Here it is. The new blog [: Feels like a new home, or a new friend. I find this particularly fitting considering I've moved on to so many new things in my life. College, friends, lifestyles, Shelbi... [: Ahh.. This feels fresh. It feels good. Great.. Spectacular :D

I find moving on always must include moving AWAY from things as well. This is a secondary reason of why I had chose to put in a new blog. I've done so in order to move away from stupid bitches and whores that were deciding to read my blog, somewhat religiously in an extremely creepy and annoying way, and then proceeding to blog about me themselves, making uneducated biases of me, or trying to interpret my blog as applying to them, though none of them were any concern to me. These people used to be people I cared for; old friends. But they all changed. Whatevs. I've got so many new people now ^.^

Shelbi; Teheh... [:

Brian; He's a real rad guy I have in a couple of my theater classes, a fellow Theater Major

Mike; A real bad-ass guy of a roommate

Aannd plenty of other new people! ^.^

Anywho... As promised (how many times now?) my NEXT post shall consist of my labor day weekend and other fun things [:

BTW--- I'd really, really, REALLY appreciate it if people would comment on my posts.. [: I won't be all drastic and stuff and demand people like, comment on EVERYTHING, but it's just really nice getting input and other such things from people, letting me know what they think of things [: So, if any of you ever feel like commenting.. PLEASE do! :D

A'ight. Nazi Zombie time [;

Peaceeee