Confused not Obsessed

“Don't poke your nose into other’s problems”

2009-06-21T10:18:00.002+05:30

This is usually my constant affirmation. I have this urge to fix things, people or anything depending on my OCD. I leave the plates in the sink even in a stranger’s house (I thank my aunt for instilling this into me). Sometimes I even offer to help cleaning depending on how well I know them. Now that is a good habit. My other poking habit is i listen to conversations. Not that I am this creepy stalker (which I was once anyway), but i have this tendency to absorb reality. People and the way they talk. Their accents, behavior and other funny details. I am an artist and its my excuse for research. I do know when to draw the line. I don't press my ears to a closed door or wall. Sometimes i even miss the conversation my friend is having sitting right next to me. It needs to have quality to catch my attention.

Yesterday i was sitting and waiting for few friends in a Chinese restaurant. Waiting is the annoying thing I happen to do very often since I am always ahead of time. So now my friends are partially to be blamed for my habit. I end up catching a conversation between a 40 something year old man and a 12 to 14 year old boy. The book I was trying to read was bad anyway. I heard the dad asking his son about school and friends. That grabbed my attention. The son patiently answered like he really wanted to share. How many teenagers do that? (Not like i am the 40 year old dad) Then the topic turned to women. Father asked if the son liked anyone in school. The son just giggled. I wanted to pull that kid’s cheeks. Now lets just focus on non creepy side of me.

The father rehearsed something in his head and said “You know just because me and your mom didn't work out it doesn't mean marriages never work" The kid just kept listening (surprisingly he looked comfortable having this conversation) “I really loved your mom and tried but its unfortunate that it didn't work. We even tried for you but it just dint” I really respected this man. Not bothered about my opinion he continued “Now you must be happy to have two dads” The boy smiled and nodded. Father asked very cautiously “He takes good care of you right?” The son gobbled down a wanton in one go nodding yes. “I am sure he will take good care of you. Anytime you feel low and want to talk to somebody, will you call me?” One more wanton disappeared in agreement.

After the plate was empty the boy asked “Are you not going to find anyone?” Father said “I am looking desperately. I need to find a woman faster before you do” The kid laughed his ass glad to hear that. Then he started teasing his dad about some colleague. Father went red for once. It was a moment. “I will move on son. I promise. I needed my time. Now I am over her. And yeah that girl is beginning to look good these days” The son squealed in excitement and started singing songs. It was chaos. It was like boys night only in a Chinese restaurant and with assorted age groups. That's when I realized that I wasn't actually part of this conversation and before I could hide my blushing face it was too late. The father just looked and I shrugged. “I’m sorry I dint mean to” He said “No issues. You can join us if you want” I was helpless but still said “I wish I could. Your table seems more fun for now. I am just waiting to have conversations about swine flu and gym workouts”

He smiled and went back bonding with his son. The son had later surprised his dad with a cake for father’s day. :) I am not a sucker for a Hallmark moment but I love to see honest affection. It better than seeing Father’s day discount ADs from a heath clinic (Why would someone gift a voucher from a clinic to their dads?)or a watch store. Leave it to us to put a price tag on this too.

Being a father takes so much from a man. But all the effort seems so worthwhile. There is this new breed or generation of fathers who seem to be so damn good. My brother, brother in laws, friends. I am glad its not the same old anymore.

Here’s a happy fathers days to all the Fathers who are good and also to fathers that try. Happy Father’s day to me too since I am sure I would make a good dad one day.

As for Times of India’s astrology about “Don't poke your nose into other’s problems”, Take a hike TOI.

Where do I belong?

2009-04-22T23:55:00.010+05:30

I walked the crowded Ranganathan street.
Vegetable vendors pushing me aside as they pulled their carts.
Me unsuccessfully trying to tread around the slimy mud.
Tuition books in hand, I promised not to come back here ever again.

I walked the lonely dark roads of Jubilee Hills.
Occasionally hiding my cigarette from the passing cars and people.
Listening to my rhythmic footsteps from time to time.
I wished someone were walking with me and holding my hand.

I walked almost the entire stretch of Marine drive.
Holding her hand and saying nothing during the entire walk.
People going about their own business like an army of ants.
I just kept looking at the sunset, lost deep in thought.

I walked through the bustling Orchard road.
Trying hard to find a Starbucks at this late hour.
People spraying foam all over, spreading the Christmas cheer.
I tried hard not to participate, but the inner child gave in.

I walked through the unknown roads of Seattle.
Walking down to the mall, to kill time.
My breath haunted me like it was the only sound I could hear.
Walking slowly, letting the rain take over the silence in my head.

I walked through MG road in the wee hours.
Happy high from a long night of drinking.
Singing songs loudly, walking with no sense of direction.
Just happy that life is good, at least for this moment.

I walked through the road near the temple in Shirdi.
Feeling like I was being followed by this invisible person.
I dint have to turn to see a bearded man behind me.
I could hear him calling out to me even though he wasn't there.

I walked the platforms of Pondicherry.
Thinking this is where I wanted to end up eventually.
Walking slowly just to buy my daily bread.
Saying 'Hello' to all my fellow walkers with a toothless smile.

I walked many roads that I can't remember.
Some roads only once and others over and over again.
Every time a new memory - because of the company, not the place.
The destination never mattered but the trip always did.

Leave it to fate

2009-03-09T18:08:00.008+05:30

He reached the end of the road.

The sign clearly said "End of route"
Not knowing what else to do he decided to jump the wall.
When he was about to, he heard the phone ring.

He looked both ways.

No one at sight.

The phone rang loudly.

He went into the phone booth.

"Hello?"

A strong voice spoke

"Don’t jump"
"Who is this?"
"The astrologer who is going to save your life"
He was surprised.

"What are you saying?"
"You have been depressed for a long time. You run a lot but you can’t reach where you want to be. Everything seems to be an illusion now"

He keeps quiet.
"Don’t worry my son. You will reach there but just not today"
He starts crying.

"You are a precious child. This is a battle you must fight"
He wipes his tears happy he has been understood.
"Even god has been tested through bad times. One always comes out a winner in every war. Even the loser. He has lost something as a trade for clarity. You too will shine"
He smiles and says "Thank you for your kind words"

"We may never talk again but remember you are already a winner. You feel it and you know it, but the time hasn’t come yet for the world to know. Let them be lost. All that is lost has to be found one day"

Normally the last person he would believe is an astrologer.

"Sir your name?"
Line disconnects.

Maybe he is just a re enforcer of his own faith.

He walks back from where he came,
only to realize that he was already there.

.........................

2008-09-30T09:35:00.002+05:30

When was the last time you sat across a person alone in a room for four hours desperately thinking of things to say, when all you had to say was "Sorry"?

Picking up the pieces!

2006-12-22T21:11:00.000+05:30

Those times when I stood in a crowded road,
Million people walking past me not noticing me
And I drowned in my loneliness,
I was looking for you.

Maybe you were the girl walking the dog.
Or the old man who walked amazed by the lights.
The girl jumping in her new red shoes,
Or the guy hugging his girl proudly.
People and colors blinding me.

Never saw you hiding behind the glass door smiling.
Wish you ran up to me, and hugged me.
Instead of letting me feel miserable.
It took a lot of lonely walks,
Through million streets till I found you.

In long deserted road with lights.
I thought it was my shadow.
Never realized it was the missing me.
I wanted everything and everyone to see you.
But it’s meant to be this late and this way

You will be my secret.
Who lifts me up at times of need.
Making me feel like my pure self.
Courageous, lovely and beautiful.

Will you walk with me till the end of this road?
And then decide about taking a left or the right

(It is for you......thank you very much!)

Take that run

2006-11-12T11:13:00.000+05:30

You wake up to an empty bed and wish you never opened your eyes. Pile of clothes unattended in the corner, the papers and books opened everywhere. Your computer beeps with a list of infected files, the DVDs in due you never watched pilled up, and then the clock says 2.07 am.

You gotta take that run.

You want to make coffee, you wash the kettle, pour the water, add the coffee powder and you run out of sugar. You still go on boiling the kettle and stare waiting for the coffee to settle running over the list of things you need to do. Your mom comes up and says she needs you to run all her errands which are overdue for weeks.

You gotta take that run.

Riding your bike to get to work in ten minutes, it starts to rain so you speed up not wanting nature to take control of your day. Traffic jam, so you take a detour not letting the annoying co riders and their frustration get to you but a speeding car splashes water on your face.

You gotta take that run.

You ran your errands and got to work. Your boss is pissed because someone screwed up and you dint double check. You end up doing their work and loose time on your tasks, and somehow manage to do them by the end of the day and get more work to realize that your minor screw up is highlighted and rest is buried.

You gotta take that run.

You are hungry but you have no time. You smoke to feel better but it does no good to your empty stomach. Instant black coffees for a temporary fix and you do everything to distract yourself with lots of work. And finally when you found the time you sit down to eat but realize that someone has already relished your boon and there’s nothing left.

You gotta take that run.

You get back home late at night not feeling a muscle. You fall flat on the bed too tired to change or wash up. Stare at your ceiling and find the cracks and realize your life is just like that ceiling. Exists somewhere in that room and you need someone to fix that because you are brain dead and tired to move but you know deep down that someone never would.

You really gotta take that run.

Peoples of Mumbai...(Uncut)

2006-04-22T12:45:00.000+05:30

I catch a train at Santa Cruz to get to Marine lines. There is an empty seat for me to sit but I lean on the partition next to the door which had a graffiti piece “Strike love with Pranay and call har haftha” with a mobile number underneath. Perfect spot next to the entrance and also a perfect view of the compartment interiors. Many people come and go and I sneakily watch and observe invading their space.

First stop - Ville Parle: Two elderly men get on the train. One clearly is a lawyer and the other is a troubled man. They sit right behind me. The lawyer constantly reassures his client. “Arre mujkho kuch samaj main nahi aa raha hai bhaisaab” complaints the troubled. “Aap khamaka soch rahen hai. Hamara property humare haath mein zaroor aa jayega bhai saab”. The troubled gets deep in thought. It's his grandfather’s property and it’s all he has. He has three daughters and that’s the only back up he has for their marriages. Some builder and society people have taken over to build a commercial complex and agree to pay him very little for compensation. He is becoming old and weak to fight anymore. His forehead is wrinkled in thought. This case is so important to him. If he does not win it he even looses the respect in his family. I think what bothers him the most is not that. The need to see his daughters settle happy is what dominates. He has lived most of his years anyways, at least his daughters deserve much better. For that he will keep fighting whatever it takes.

Next stop - Khar road: A Marathi lady with typical costume and hairdo walks in with her young son who is dressed up in his school uniform with a powdered face. She is all serious and talking non stop like the Chinese and the son is all innocent & thinking about the most important thing to him, “will I get to have the ice golla at least today?”. His mom is talking about how he needs to not be like his father. He should not let his dad affect him. All he has done to this family is drink and waste all their savings. So how chottu must study hard and become a “daktar” and earn bada building, gaadi etc. the kid is lost and confused. He is thinking and is not so confident and sure like his mom but what’s wrong in making her happy for the moment. So from deep thought he smiles and says loudly to his mom “Jab main bada hokar Dakatar banoonga na? Thab main tere liye har din ek bada golla kareedhoonga”. His mom blushes and laughs at her son’s expression of thought. She is happy that at least her son is pure at heart. And he is happy he has made her mom happy at least for the moment.

Next – Bandra: A huge fat man who is wearing shorts and a t-shirt that does not hide his huge belly gets on to the compartment. He is sweating and is beat by the time he gets on to the train. He is so out of place. Looks like he just got back from his jog and is heading home. What is he doing on a train? He should be rather taking the taxi to get home to get ready and leave for work. But he has the work on his ear. His headset and communicator that connects him to his world. “Hell-oh? Naina? Ha sun main abhi train main hoon. Dus minute main wahan pahunchoonga sab thaiyar rakhna. Acha? Ravi aaya kya?” and on and on. Then “hell-oh Naina? Main tumhe baadh mein phone karoonga ok?”, he disconnects & switches to the incoming second call. “Arre Malik kaha ho tum yaar?....Kithna bar tera number try kiya main. Acha sun Ravi ka shaadi pakki ho gaya….Haan!....ladki Lucknow ki hai…haan haan….arre who tho gayi bhad main….kya Karen humara haath main sab nahi hain na?...sab bhagvan ka khel hai…” There is an expression on the gentleman’s face. He is very bothered by the other guy’s reaction. He has said something nasty or embarrassing. Maybe the other guy seems to know a secret he doesn’t want to be let out. Maybe it’s about his son and his previous affairs. He hates to be nice to this man but maybe that’s the price he must pay now.

Adhuku apram - Matunga road: Imagine Nadaswaram n Mridangam playing in your head as a background because we have just stopped at mini Chennai. Where the rest of Mumbai come down to eat the idlis, vadas n dowsas with samber (trust me that’s how they call it). So let me call upon Mr. Chinnasami and Kamala who enter the compartment and rush to catch a seat with million plastic covers and paiys. They call out to each other huffing and puffing to get the desired seat. I begin to miss Chennai already. Mama and mami set out to explore Mumbai on their own. They are very lost and anxious to get to Marine lines. They have come to the city to spend time with their daughter and son in law, who have left for work. They keep talking animatedly contemplating what the next station would be. Mami opens her flask to drink ice water to tone down the anxiety and then hand it to Mama “Yen Na?”. He is more worried to read the station board names.

And – Dadar: A dark thin man walks in between the compartment and positions himself. Then suddenly in a loud voice catches attention of his co passengers. He starts of very professionally and interesting about how he is not here to cheat anybody or sell anything that is ordinary. He then draws his weapon out. It’s a transparent glowing pen. All of them are gaping with mouths wide open. He's successful in catching everyone’s attention. Even the man who was snoring in the window seat next to the wall further down. He then continues to reveal its secrets. He writes to show that its contents cannot be seen. One guy tries to make fun saying “Arre pen nahi likh raha hai yaar. Aapka pen badhlo”. Everyone laughs in agreement. This does not shake our man one bit he continues professionally saying “Yeh hai bhaisab yeh pen ka chamathkari. Aap soch rahe hain ki yeh pen nahi likh saktha. Magar main tho saaf saaf apko ullu bana raha hoon”. The happily smiling at his own joke man is not anymore. Our guy continues to convince that its contents can be seen only by the writer or anybody else who knows the secret. The secret is just to light the paper just for a second and all the contents become visible. When he demonstrates everyone are amused. He is an instant hit with his expressions, linguistic skills & demonstration. He then christens the pen “Iska naam hai James bond pen”. Everyone agrees. “Aur iska dham hai sirf bees rupaiya”. None of them agree. The fat man goes back to snoring. Everyone wants entertainment free of cost. Is liye tho ghar pe dho sow channel sirf dho sow rupaiya main aatha hai.

Afterwards – Lower Parel: The place of all factory outlets resembling in all the chicknas that get on board. There is one under age chikna wearing copper sulfate blue shirt with gold chain and glasses. He keeps staring at me. I’m confused if that’s a good or bad thing. He gets a call on his multi colored phone and still has the deadpan expression looking at me say “Ha! Hoon train ma choo”. I look away at the other chikna who is a total sleek piece wearing a bright orange “Sound of India” T-shirt, “Life suck……enjoy life” written on his timberland fashion street bag, socks with floaters and crew cut with piercing and all the works. Man I’m ashamed of my wardrobe sense. A Fab India kurta and lee jeans. I need a Linkin road make over so badly “just now”.

Aage - Mumbai Central: A group of well dressed guys in striped shirts, black belts, clean trousers and shoes get in. They could be working in the Mumbai stock exchange or marketing guys from Eureka Forbes. Each sits on the other’s lap due to congestion. Their conversations consist of all the things they desire. From ladkis to Salman khan’s striptease after getting out of jail. They even show each other off their biceps. The nayi pickture and “Arre watt math laga yaar” on the menu too. They are the ultimate examples wanting and actually partially living the “Mumbai dream”. One guy even boasts how he saw a filmishtar have a bodyguard outside his car waiting and guarding so no one sees the Ishtar doing it with a heroine inside the car.

Phir – Mahalakshmi: Enters our Cooleshwar. He sees a bag left abandoned near the entrance. So he yells “yeh bag kiska hai” and another yells back from the other corner “meraaaaaaa” “Bag idhar…aadmi udhar…kya baap” He has blonde colored hair in streaks and silver bracelet with a faded jean and cool yellow shirt. He keeps mowing his hair with his hands so they stay put and not fall on his face. He is the kind of guy who will rush to your defense on time and you can trust and ask for favors. He will give you directions without a smug expression if asked and is the typical Bhai Saab. He doesn’t need a bunch of other losers to entertain him during the ride. He entertains himself. He sings the latesht himesh bhai’s song. The whole train goes quite and all we hear is his amazing voice and tracks rattling. It was like a fusion of music. A break from the chaos.

Later - Charni road: An underage good-looking girl gets on to the compartment. It’s so crowded that in the confusion she gets into the general compartment. She is the desi Britney Spears who is dressed in low hip jeans and a Jhatak red top and lipstick. You could scoop out pancake with a spoon of her face and her kajal and hair is laid out in perfection. All guys gape at her like she is the only goddess Ramba left in this world filled of frustrated men. You could be caught up with the fine details that it takes time for you to register that there is something wrong…sorry different about her. Then she gets a call on her glittery phone like her. “Hai! Kya haal hai. Haan dhandha sab teekh hai. Tera kithna hua re?” Yes you still have your mouth open. But this time it’s of realization.

At Last - Marine lines: I walk out thinking of all these people I met today. Hope they find whatever they are looking for. After all they are our fellow citizens.

Its only words….

2006-04-12T14:36:00.000+05:30

Sorry not about any sweet gay boy band’s song.
I get mails quoting “word for the day” to improve my vocab.
Here are some and how they help.

Sui generis \ soo-eye-JEN-uh-ris\ adjective
: Constituting a class alone: unique, peculiar
- Hindustan guys with super thick Indian accents & pop eyes for the opposite sex.

Largess \lar-ZHES; lar-JES; LAR-jes\, noun:
1. Generous giving (as of gifts or money), often accompanied by condescension.
2. Gifts, money, or other valuables so given.
3. Generosity; liberality.
- 1. I miss my generous grandma who is no more.
2. I wish I was a north Indian only for this, cos they give money every time you touch elder’s feet for blessings.
3. To get paid every click on your Orkut profile or Blog page.

Fictioneer \fik-shuh-NEER\ noun
One who writes fiction especially in quantity and without high standard
- Shobha De.

Grift \GRIFT\ verb
: To obtain (money) illicitly (as in a confidence game)
- My juniors or secret dates paying for my Super size food.

Expropriate \ek-SPROH-pree-ayt\, transitive verb:
1. To deprive of possession.
2. To transfer (the property of another) to oneself.
- 1. Men obsessing over breasts while women just see them everyday.
2. Taking over slums and making commercial complexes.

Parvenu \PAR-vuh-noo; -nyoo\, noun:
One that has recently or suddenly risen to a higher social or economic class but has not gained social acceptance of others in that class; an upstart.
- Abhijeeth Sawanth.

Perambulate \puh-RAM-byuh-layt\, intransitive verb:
1. To walk about; to roam; to stroll; as, "he perambulated in the park."
Transitive verb:
1. To walk through or over.
2. To travel over for the purpose of surveying or inspecting.
- 1. Crazy Bhakthas walking over burning flames claiming to be religious.
2. What reporters like Suderman do making chronicles of the Captain.

Ululate \UL-yuh-layt; YOOL-\, intransitive:
To howl, as a dog or a wolf; to wail; as, ululating jackals.
- College guys greeting thalaivars or roadside sundaris.

Chouse \CHOWSS ("OW" as in "cow")\ verb :
Cheat, trick
- Mahesh bhatt’s sleazy movies promising ultimate sex.

Scurrilous \SKUR-uh-lus\ adjective
1 a: using or given to coarse language, b: vulgar and evil
2 : containing obscenities, abuse, or slander
- 1. a: Machiiiiiiiiiii, b: Vothaaaaaaaaa.
2. Myirrrrrrrrrrrrru.

Megalomania \meg-uh-lo-MAY-nee-ah; -nyuh\, noun:
1. A mania for grandiose or extravagant things or actions.
2. A mental disorder characterized by delusions of grandeur.
- 1. Paying for lady wanting secretly in return.
2. Cars, mobiles & works for Chick radar.

Doch-an-dorris \dahkh-un-DOR-is\ noun
Scottish & Irish: a parting drink: stirrup cup
- Irish coffee…the coffee with a kick.

Interpolate \in-TER-puh-layt\ verb
transitive senses
1 a: to alter or corrupt (as a text) by inserting new or foreign matter,
b: to insert (words) into a text or into a conversation
2: to insert between other things or parts: intercalate
3: to estimate values of (data or a function) between two known values
Intransitive sense: to make insertions (as of estimated values)
- 1. Censorship.
2. Gossip Magazines.
3. Bargaining.

Paragon \PAIR-uh-gon; -guhn\, noun:
A model of excellence or perfection; as, "a paragon of beauty; a paragon of eloquence."
- Ipod & anything Sony minus Erricson.

Stolid \STOL-id\, adjective:
Having or revealing little emotion or sensibility; not easily excited.
- Dave Gowda or Narasimha Rao smiling.

Aubade \oh-BAHD\, noun:
A song or poem greeting the dawn; also, a composition suggestive of morning.
- “Idhu oru Ponn Malai Pozhudhu”

Succor \SUH-kuhr\, noun:
1. Aid; help; assistance; especially, assistance that relieves and delivers from difficulty, want, or distress.
2. The person or thing that brings relief.
Transitive verb:
1. To help or relieve when in difficulty, want, or distress; to assist and deliver from suffering; to relieve.
- 1. Friend who bails you by paying the bill when you forgot your wallet on a date.
2. Reshamiya ji crooning “Aaja Aaja” when you on a potty.
3. Websites replacing long queues. But the queue in Sathyam never dies.

Pernicious \per-NISH-us\ adjective :
Highly injurious or destructive: deadly
- Davidoff lights and million cups or Nescafe classic black.

Maverick \MAV-rik\ noun
1: an unbranded range animal; especially: a motherless calf
2: an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party
- 1. Me (make that senseless calf).
2. Me in a rave party. Doesn’t mean I can’t look.

Defenestrate \dee-FEN-uh-strayt\, transitive verb:
To throw out of a window.
- Pirated stuff.

Redux \ree-DUKS\ adjective :
Brought back
- Krisss, Kya kool hai hum, Sarkar, Sholay sequels.

Martinet \mar-t'n-ET\, noun:
1. A strict disciplinarian.
2. One who lays stress on a rigid adherence to the details of forms and methods.
- 1. Maneka Gandhi.
2. Bank Cash tellers….Grrrrr!

Devious \DEE-vee-us\ adjective
1: deviating from a straight line: roundabout
2: behaving wrongly: errant
3: tricky, cunning; also: deceptive
- 1. Cyclists & auto guys.
2. Cyclists & auto guys.
3. Cyclists & auto guys.

Cum \KUM; KUHM\, preposition:
With; along with; combined with; - often used in combination.
- Sex with love.

Orchidaceous \or-kuh-DAY-shus\ adjective
1: of, relating to, or resembling the orchids
2: showy, ostentatious
- 1. Everyone wanting to get a tattoo or piercing.
2. Salman Khan & Upen Patel.

Catchpole \KATCH-poal\ noun :
a sheriff's deputy; especially: one who makes arrests for failure to pay a debt
- Citibank collector boys. They catch you even half naked.

Benedict \BEN-uh-diet\ noun
: A newly married man who has long been a bachelor
- Fardeen Khan – but then film stars never loose their bachelorhood.

Stripling \STRIP-ling\, noun:
A youth in the state of adolescence, or just passing from boyhood to manhood; a lad.
- Acne or pimples filled lanky guy pumping iron who obviously masturbates a lot.

Hobbledehoy \HOB-uhl-dee-hoy\, noun:
An awkward, gawky young fellow.
- Simboooooooooooo (Darna Zaroori Hai.....lolz).

Slugabed \SLUG-uh-bed\ noun :
a person who stays in bed after the usual or proper time to get up; broadly: sluggard
- Call center owls.

Toothsome \TOOTH-suhm\, adjective:
1. Pleasing to the taste; delicious; as, "a toothsome pie."
2. Agreeable; attractive; as, "a toothsome offer."
3. Sexually attractive.
- 1. Bombay duck fish…. awesome!
2. Shakira…who cares what she’s saying?
3. Carmen Electra drenched in milk.

Insomnia

2006-03-31T23:56:00.000+05:30

Exhale
Tracks rattle beneath fast & loud
deafening everything or anykind
I feel nothing
including my mind...

Inhale
Heart beating against each other's
your eyes clearly seen
feeling your breath
no space in between...

Exhale
I wonder what you're doing
searching my mind
even if you think about me
as much time I find...

Inhale
You promised you will stay
as you have always been
never leave my side
for me to lean...

Exhale
Heavy breeze hits my face
lets my head do the grind
and is part of my misery
hinting me to wind...

Inhale
Our lips meet reassuring
we are too keen
everything fits perfect
all wounds clean...

Exhale
How different from my last journey
as my memories lined
I wonder & try to answer
all the questions I find...

Time for me to shut the door with a mild sense of regret
leaving everything behind, i chuck out my cigarette...

What is 25?

2006-03-18T01:37:00.000+05:30

Square number
Centered octagonal number
Automorphic number
Friedman number
Cullen number
Somer-Lucas pseudoprime
Atomic number of manganese
Messier object
A magnitude 4.9 open cluster in the constellation Sagittarius
The Saros number of the solar eclipse
Silver wedding anniversary
Minimum age of candidates for election to the United States House of Representatives
The usual TCP port for SMTP
The name of the national card game of Ireland, mostly played in pubs
XXV
Veinte cinco
Binary: 11001, octal: 31, hexadecimal: 19
One quarter
The hour which a new day starts
Christmas day
Name of Mozart’s musical piece
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial – position of the best movie in the world
The Chances of getting the number two or three in hundred times
Average European child of age eight’s clothing size
Largest integer
Total number of Kilika kings
Total number of dynasties in Egypt
A stick of eels
Most common voltages used for railway electrification
Caliber of a standard size of heavy machine gun
Paired color code used to identify individual conductors in electronics
Door number of The Citigroup Centre located in London Docklands
Considered unlucky number in West Africa
The percentage restricted for municipality's annual budget
Name of a radio program focusing on science fiction
Standard of Battalion the Royal Queensland Regiment in Australian Army
Silver anniversary academy awards which was first telecasted
Total major injuries in Jackie Chan’s life
Marks I once got in math
Currency note that flopped even before its release
Price of a chicken sandwich in Quickys
Bullets inside a 10 year old Kashmiri millitant
Varieties of Deo of my favorite brand AXE
Kilometers I run when I’m angry on the treadmill
Model of a Louis Vuitton speedy bag
Minutes of a MLTR song
Hours which is name of a luxury hotel in Germany
Original price of the auto ride from office to home
Number of Ferrero Rochers in a box
Percentage of hair growth in a month
Total colors in Benetton clothing
Ways to win a solitaire game
Hours, a branded watch
Thousands as a grand prize in a reality TV show "Pyramid"
Reasons to use Nivea cream
Lighters. a song feat Lil' Keke and Fat Pat
Scheduled weeks of pregnancy
Calories express workouts
Model of a Savage RTR Powerful trucks
Percentage of extra Jojoba in St.Ives shampoo
Total water softeners in the world
And years I’d be old from tomorrow

Women & Men are very much from earth

2006-02-28T11:28:00.000+05:30

Yup. Out there mingling again with the female species and the worst is when you have lost so much time you end up catching up a lot. Lots to ask and lots more to answer. When you in a relationship you know other girls but then there is a thick line between you and them. Now the line disappears. Even if not for you somehow for them it does. But then it’s vice versa both sides. Like how being straight doesn’t even matter anymore, even the committed status is becoming a “No Bar”. Well that’s been my last couple of days. Met up my female friends and had some funny, nice, weird conversations about men, women and sexuality. Trust me it’s better than reading “men are from mars…” I feel it’s just that all of us are form earth equally screwed up so we need to understand ourselves than the other sex. So here are some uncut conversations, chats and sms, over coffee, salad, sandwiches, cigarettes, movies and walks.

All the following conversations are an individual’s opinion and don’t take it too personally. Viewer’s discretion is advised.

“You know what? I’ve decided I’m not going to be this serious person anymore. I’m just going to have fun with random guys”
“At last. Good for you”

“You have to kiss all the frogs. And you have to have that pain before you can value the prince or princess as the case may be”
“That’s a very good way of saying ‘fine I kissed frogs....so what?’"
“You should be able to bring much more than an intact hymen into a relationship”

“Why do guys always want something so obsessively?”
“Meaning?”
“They want a girl. They go out right and try everything to get her”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“I'm saying that all those things are secondary. A relationship is about companionship and sex and love. And trust. And respect”
“Sex comes before love? :)”
“Can there be sex without love? Unless you're paying for it”
“Yes. No even without paying”
“Love to me is an ever changing thing”
“Never or ever?”

“Me and drooling?”
“Weren’t you drooling that day?”
“Was I that obvious?”
“Well you were sitting right in front of me”
“Shit! I am so obvious. I wish my friends dint call so you couldn’t see me blush”
“Huh? I was talking about you drooling over the ice cream. What are you talking about?”

“I'm not looking actively. I prefer to be found”
“Like without a sign?”
“Explain”
“‘to-let’ ‘vacant’ ‘available’....all these help. Otherwise people just don’t have the time to wait and read the Signals”

“So how do you get involved and not have feelings for him?”
“Just think that he’s your bitch”
“What if I start falling for him?”
“Start seeing another guy simultaneously”

“I would never get turned on by a guy’s face or other body parts. The brain is the only turn on”
“I would. Not guy’s obviously. Well that comes later for me, if I’m looking for more”
“I know. Guys go for the appearance. Not your fault. It’s a deep rooted desire to mate. So I've heard”
“I’m not talking about appearances but about carrying themselves”
“Wow that’s a change”
“There needs to be a certain feminine quality in them that’s attractive”

“He’s a bad kisser”
“Maybe he was nervous”
“Yeah I guess”
“Or he could be pretending to be”
“What? Guys can do that?”
“Yeah right. You thought only women could fake orgasm?”

“I believe that if a guy wants me badly enough, he will ask if he doesn’t simply means that it wasn’t meant to be”
“You just stay put. I show the biscuit and make the dog run behind me. Lolz. Bad example but still can’t think better than this now”
“Yup. I have no biscuits to offer. And won’t”
“You make your own”

“How is that a good thing?”
“See Guys are thick headed. They want beer, they want beer. It doesn’t matter who’s sitting next to them unless it’s more exciting than the beer”
“Like a topless women”
“No even a women with a skimpy top would actually do”

“I'm content most of the time”
“It’s not about being content or not. Don’t sound like Dr.Phil. It’s about spicing up your juice”

“Why the hell do men show off their body in the gym?”
“Well because they don’t have boobs to show off like women do”

“I don't want men chasing me. Just one man. And he should be so good, so good that I should love him like crazy all my life. Sans reason, sans sanity. If one guy can do that to me, then I'll be ecstatic”
“Okies. If he is so good don’t you think he's already taken, married or dead? Because there is too much competition these days. The moment they are available, its grab & run. Then when will this awesome person have time and find you?”
“If it doesn't happen, it's ok”
“But then you’re still dreaming. This somewhere is a minute expectation”

“How can you not feel guilty about yourself after sex with a stranger?”
“Think about it. You’re a virgin and get married to a guy soon. Twenty tears later you wake up to the same guy. You have that asshole’s kids and leading his life and wondered why the hell you dint have all the fun before. Well that’s the fun you just had so how can you feel guilty?”

“I will always have a secret dream. Someday my Prince will come”
“Wow. You sound like a young girl waiting for her prince on a unicorn”
“Lol. Why do you think that most 21 year old find me so hot? To them I seem about 12”
“Nah the actually reason is they are dumb. They need growing up, and so that you’ll help them ;)”
“I know. All they want is to be in my pants! But they usually give up and then feel protective towards me. It’s a dance the steps of which I know”

“So what do you look in a relationship now?”
“Well it’s hard to find anyone like this. But I wanna be seeing someone for a long time, date them and spend loads of time with them or move in together and explore all the corners without saying the “L” word. And then one day when I feel like only this person can put up with me or if that person still keeps me exciting after few years, then probably pop the “L” word.”
“WHAT?”
“That’s what I meant. I’m not looking for a relationship now or for quiet sometime unless I find this screwed up person like me”

“Aha. You danced a lot dint u?”
“I flirt a lot, if that's what you’re asking”
“No. You seem to know the drill. Their reasons & what would happen later”
“Yes I do. I've been fielding this since I was 15 or so”
“You are smarter than I thought you were”
“It's impossible to do something bad to me. Guys who want to end up wanting to protect me. I think I bring out a brotherly urge even in men that wanna sleep with me”

“Don’t you hate her?”
“No I hate me to put myself there even though it was just my choice”

“But don’t you think that’s sad? Women always what something more”
“I know just when you think you gonna walk with her romantically for once and then she wants to buy the hot red pants on sale”
“Yeah we constantly want something else”
“Like constantly wanting someone else?”

“Don’t you feel like protecting me?”
“No”
“No brotherly urges?”
“Nah”
“Too bad!!!! But then, we haven’t even begun dancing yet”
“I tango. So that’s a different style. ;)”

“Yeah if a guy doesn’t understand me, then obviously I’m looking for someone else”
“See. Then don’t you think guys are better. When they want something they want only that”.

“See I told you that you weren’t over her”
“You don’t get it. After a relationship and lots of days it’s not that you’re not over the person. The person goes first but the quality, reasons, or questions is what stays. There is something within you that you are not over. You are constantly settling that.”

“It's takes two to tango”
“I like to no what u think. It’s nice to no someone like you. But stops there. I won’t get into serious stuff like protecting & all cos that’s like real responsibility and understanding. I’m having the weirdest day in my life & I call to talk to you. We have memorable conversations & when I come there we meet up to have dinner. More conversations. So I see it as thoughts exchange time. I don’t get too serious about anything unless there's a dramatic need. I'm filmy. What do u expect? And No. Tango has even switching partners”

“I like it for a fact that you have the balls to admit unlike other guys”
“Really?”
“I can only think of one guy who can literally say ‘I fucked up’”

“Cool that you don't feel protective. And you're the first guy I've met so far whom I'm interacting with open and equal platform. New for me”
“I think protective is a bad word. At least for you and me. They are for fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands and grandfathers. Like pick up a fight for you or hit up somebody. No. But make sure I take you out n treat you like a lady. Yes”

“Why are men so physical?”
“Because we get enough emotional from the women, someone needs to take that part up”

“But most guys are protective. They look at me like a kid. Even 21 year olds. Think I’m too innocent. I need their big shoulders to hide behind”
“I am not. I need a reason to be. The reason being you very close to me. Otherwise each one to themselves. Should know how to handle it by themselves. For me a woman who can handle mostly any situation is a turn on”

“But don’t people start calling you a slut?”
“Who is not one including guys?”

“I see you sometime as a dreamer & I like it. Maybe don’t agree but like the fact that you’re a dreamer. I won’t change that or try talking you out of it. I'd let you be”
“Don't. I like you exactly this way. Very refreshing from run of the mill. Hey give me a min. someone wants me....”
“We share a lot of thoughts n what makes you & me cool is no expectations or definitions. You can dump your garbage on me & so can I on u. No judgments passed. Aha....somebody wants you? At last”

“Why? Poor thing. You could have made her back off sweetly”
“Sweetie. Back off is not a sweet term. It’s an alternate to fuck off”

“I love talking to you too. It's like being with a man and talking to a woman. Awesome combo”
“I’m straight & no cross dresser”
“I noticed. As to straight, I won't comment on things I don't know nothing about. Do you like Cryan Adams? Bryan Adams*”
“I don’t swing both ways. But wanna know what pleasure some get in doing the same sex... Yeah I do like Cryan Adams but not Cher. Which proves I’m not gay”
“Any plans to experiment?”
“Nah! No objections in watching though”

“He is so firang. He flirts out rightly and it’s kinda weird”
“It’s better than other guys who impress you with bullshit lies and get you to bed”

“But guys change a lot”
“So do women. Only difference a woman hides and men are stupidly obvious”
“I agree”
“You must. Women always get away not because they are weaker sex, but because of their sexuality. When was the last time you saw a guy get into a bar because he had a %$#@?”

“Ok. Teacher teach me how to be a Casanova”
“Rule 1: Compassion is only for thyself”

“You're a man and you think as intelligently and out of the box as a woman. See! I told you I wasn't being totally a dreamer. Men like that do exist!”
“Yes they do...but they are just smart men...not out of the box women”
“I know... the species exists. So I’m not relinquishing reality when I am looking for one of them. It’s not like I'm saying I'll only date dinosaurs”

“Rule 2: They want you not vice versa. So play it that way”

“I was moved...I think Johnny cash is like me ;)”
“Is he?”
“Well not musically...but as a person"
"In what sense?"
"He is serious about relationships. If they don’t work. He gets affected. I understand his obsession of wanting someone...and trying hard”
“Is that how you feel?”
“He wants to take care of this girl...because he knows he can take better care of her than anybody. Nah....the previous line, Yes”

“Rule 3: Guilt free sex. There is no cheating. He wants some that’s why he is doing it. So no reason for him to want more later. He gets only because you let him. So he has no right to ask for more”

“Guys never take relationships seriously”
“Yeah?”
“But then even some women don’t or give guys the reason not to be”
“Good you rationalized”

“Hey I made out”

“Do you want someone or did you try hard to keep her when you found someone you wanted?”
“I tried hard”
“Do you still want someone?”
“Nopes...”

“Hey I made out again. Madly”

“Obviously the guy and the girl get together in the end”
“Why do girls expect fairy tale endings?”
“It’s just because we want happy endings”
“Well do you get one always in bed?”

You get back what you give

2006-02-20T13:29:00.000+05:30

This is one famous quote I’ve always known but never deeply thought about. Maybe dint have the time or need unless now.
Its like acknowledging god only in hard times, Or bursting out emotions after bottling them up for a long time, Or following traffic rules after an accident (at least for the first few days). It happens to all of us.

Its life’s way of telling us “Stop! You need a break”, “Stop! You need to think” or “Stop! You deserve this shit”. This speed braking moment is strategically placed and always comes at the most unexpected moment. It can be your wedding day in an open garden and you are about to say “I do” but the crow takes a dump on you, the girl you had an eye for a long time comes over to you in a supermarket to let you know that your fly is open, you are in high spirits for wearing your best clothes but you slip and fall in a puddle of dirty water, you are zooming in your bike and your friend is way behind but he still manages to beat you because you were picking up your speeding ticket on the way.

Think about it. It happens to all of us.
We might have laughed it off out of embarrassment when it happened to us but always managed to torture others when it happened to them.
I laughed my head off when my friend got chased by a mad cow.
I laughed when another friend tripped while getting off a moving bus.
I have laughed a lot when my friend walked around the city wearing a brand new top and a price tag behind. I still make fun of my cousin the way she stammered when a cop caught her. I could go on but what happens in the end? I obviously get my dues back.

It was a perfect day. A Sunday and I had the best lunch and fun conversation over coffee with friends. I was scaring my friend’s fiancé with our college stories on how we made other’s life miserable. She was shocked to know lots of things that stayed silent behind the sweet guy exterior. And after seeing her expression with huge popping out eyes and non settling eyebrows I felt like a King. Inside I thought “Wow, I actually pulled a lot of stuff and got away?”. Little did I know that life was working full speed for a comeback on that thought?

I was driving back home after coffee at a safe 40 km/h speed enjoying the evening light, breeze, empty roads without signals. There was a point I had to stop because there was a procession of a funeral. Times like these you think about death and loss. At this point of silent mourning out of nowhere came a flying thud on my helmet that almost broke my neck off and then hit my left shoulder and spattered all over my shirt and bike. A bright red tomato. The first thing you do is look around to see who had don it but you see only different expressions of the passerby’s. The road was clear again and I drove away. The rest of the ride I hardly remember which route I took but remember every single thought of mine.

Who the fuck throws a fucking tomato during a fucking funeral?
Aren’t we paying fucking homage to the fucking dead?
Oh fuck I’m “The weather man”. Dave (Nicholas Cage) is pretty much a fucking loser. His job is a sham (he doesn’t even know anything about the weather) and people throw food at him from cars. They throw chicken breast, soft taco, pop, Mc nuggets, the big gulp, frosty and all kinds of fast food. He thinks “Always fast food. Fast food. Things that people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy, it tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment. I'm fast food”.

But then he has no clue how better off he is because he gets hit with hip fast food. The appropriate situations for me to get hit by a tomato were, my goofed up vote of thanks speech in college, the play we college mates did in IIT Sarang, when I had to speak poetic Tamil, the times we had shoots on road, when I was barking at my juniors during a debate, when I escorted a girl to keep her away from hooligans, and many.
But why today?

But that is an answer I would never get. Such is life. It has weird ways to teach you your faults. I got dressed up in blue because it was the favorite color of the girl I wanted to impress but ended up being the laughing stock, I skid and fell off my bike after teasing my friend about her bike riding skills, I had to baby sit two young girls after asking their mother out for dinner without a clue that she was elder to me, I had to buy lots of coffees for a friend to shut him up about whom he had seen me with and lots of other scars I had been through.

That is how it has been for me and I am okay with it. As David’s father says “In this shit life, you have to chuck some things”. The initial anger and questioning on why life does this to you fades away slowly. And then you just move on with a mark of it. I drove my bike proudly with splattered tomato on it after a distance. Some of them wondered if it was blood and I was still tough to keep riding after the incident.

I am like that. Very difficult to embarrass. I might not understand and begin to wonder but never get embarrassed so easily. I guess there is something wrong with me mentally. I think, reason it, accept it and walk proudly thinking “That was refreshing. I'm refreshed. I'm refreshing”. And I walk like the weather man’s confidant line “People don't throw things at me any more. Maybe because I carry a bow around”.

But there is no better explanation than,
“You get back what you give” (Mathew 5:7).
And what the fuck, for the things I did I jus got a fucking tomato.