Yeah.

So what happened these two weeks.

1. I have graduated from OSU.
2. I took a trip to New York and watched a bunch of Broadway shows.
3. I fought with my dad for 3 nights in a row, and I think our relationship has changed.
4. My paternal grandmother has developed cataracts and had a stroke, now she cannot walk or speak.
5. My maternal grandfather is now suffering from delusions and physically abusing my grandmother.
6. A friend who was about to graduate with her phD found out she has cancer in her leg and it has metastasized to her liver. Now she cannot walk, is refusing treatment and has gone home to be with her family.

All this while I still have no idea if I should stay or leave the US, wondering what kind of job I should get, looking for schools to get my M.A or phD, scurrying for letters of recommendation while trying to figure out how and when to sublet this apartment. This shit is just too depressing.

If you need me, whisper me. I’m not staying in that fucking channel anymore.

They did not fit Too small - my boobs were threatening to spill out of them, which was odd, since I did the calculations and I was supposed to be a C cup, and when I was measured I was also told I was a C cup. Should’ve followed my instincts and bought Ds.

Anyway, I wound up returning them, because I’ve already incurred a loss of 30 bucks in shipping and taxes, and exchanging them would wind up incurring another 30 bucks in shipping and taxes, coupled with the extra 30 bucks that the D bras cost. I find it would be a lot easier and cheaper if I just waited until my exams were over and just go to a store, so I can… y’know, TRY ON THE THING BEFORE I BUY IT. (Sigh, big mistake).

Also, they deduct 5.99 from your refund because of the returns slip they have to pay. aflkj;askj

Actually, never mind. I’m just going to borrow a pair of pliers and wedge the damn clasps back into place.

And today I find out the clasp has been bent over backwards. I have no idea how that happened.

So I’ve ordered like 4 bras from Victoria’s Secret, because apparently they are the only bra ever to exist in the USA (Sloggi I love you :() I hope the cup size fits me, otherwise I have only 1 bra to last me the next 3 weeks.

Also, I find those girls on the front page of their website to be so… artificialized I wonder how anyone can aspire to be such people.

I’ve been so preoccupied with the material (and uh, romantic? heh) aspects of life that I haven’t had any time for reflection, or perhaps my brain capacity is so small that I cannot do more than one task at a time. I suspect the antidepressants have made it slightly easier to not feel overwhelmed by everything, but at the same time I hardly have time to think anymore. I think Beary mentioned that it made her feel emotionally numb… I would say I feel empty, although I’m not sure if I can attribute it to the drug.

I wonder as to the future of this blog. Entries have become increasingly set on private, and there is little point in continuing a public blog (whose hosting fees certainly cannot be justified) that I have little use for. It is unfortunate that I do adore my domain name, and Julia enjoys her subdomain as well, and it is slightly difficult for me to find alternatives, even if I did have the time to do so.

Back to work.

Edit: Ugh, I need to stop looking at briefing myself for the GRE. I can’t deal with this right now.

To which I should mention: Jae, I’m really sorry for that conversation we had. I was so tired and emotionally strung out, I don’t think I was really able to point and headdesk in exasperation at all.

2. I’m feeling the side effects of Wellbutrin for the past few days - which may have been one of the few reasons I suddenly got so emotional - headaches, dizziness, dry mouth and sleeplessness. I seem to have extremely vivid dreams, where I was convinced my aunt called me on Saturday when she didn’t. My functioning right now feels like when I suffer from sleep deprivation - I feel dissociated from my body, I don’t feel like I’m processing everything I’m seeing. It feels like my brain has dulled, essentially.

3. I feel okay now, albeit a little emotional… where I seem to tear up at the slightest thing I see. We spent time talking on vent a lot last night about really random stuff like how mushrooms are similar to humans, and something about LittleBigPlanet, and it really feels like the little things add up to feeling better. We did a quick Sethekk and ZG, still no mount d’oh. I never try to dump things on anyone, but for some reason he’s able to understand my babbling and always makes me feel better. I love him.

Something recently happened that made me realize my insecurity is innate and has little to do with my conscious feelings - perhaps even less to do with unconscious ones. It is simply there, and when I feel it I shouldn’t be interpreting it in the wrong context. It is sad to say my feelings of self-worth are determined by people who I care little about, and it makes me question the validity of my self-awareness. Perhaps I should not even take my own consciousness seriously at all.

He does make me a better person - I think my daily goals seem to be better achieved with him pushing me. Perhaps it speaks to the severe lack of support I’ve had, or perhaps it speaks to love (and perhaps I was not wrong after all), but I truly appreciate him and his company.