Congo Bill's Jungle Love

Congo Chronicle 23: The Red Khan!

2011-03-05T09:33:00.000-05:00

We join Congo Bill and Janet Logan as they return from an adventure in the interior. I guess by "adventure" they mean Congo Bill being indirectly responsible for Janet's father being eaten alive by crocodiles. But then.....

Dang, those natives are good shots!

Incidentally, Bill seems to have done something with Janet's hair, just as I predicted he would.

Lookin' good, girlfriend!

But what's an adventure story without a little tension? The miscreants attack the little boat head on!

Bill is bloodied and bandaged!

I'll be damned if I can figure out where this story is taking place. The publication date is April, 1942, which would have been after the Axis forces were routed from East Africa. But there was no British outpost called "Benzima", as you probably know if you've skimmed Wikipedia as carefully as I have. There is a Fench soccer player named Karim BenzEma, however.

I suppose we could be talking about Benghazi, Libya, site of so much unpleasantness lately. Which would be a long way from any kind of navigable river leading from the interior. To complicate matters further...

..."Khan" is a term pretty much reserved for Mongolian tribal leaders. Or genetically-modified Supermen of the future.

But look - there's a note!

Strange lot, these megalomaniacal criminals. Why bother writing out a letter in English - with lovely penmanship, I might add - and then include a few scribblings of his indecipherable heathen language at the top? Is that his return address? If so, it should be easy work for Bill to disregard his own life-threatening injuries, hop on a horse, and go rescue Janet!

As planned, Bill is captured and brought into the heart of the Red Khan's lair!

I don't know who the Bula character is, but he doesn't stand a chance against our boy Bill!

ka-POW!

Unfortunately, due to his earlier injuries, Bula gets the jump on Bill and trusses him up like a Christmas goose. Looks like it's time for some good ol' Yankee psychological warfare!

The tribesmen see the error of their ways and let Bill loose to deliver some JUNGLE JUSTICE!

KA-POWIEEEE!

Until next time, Congo Billions!

Congo Chronicle 22: The Death of Congo Bill!

2011-03-02T08:03:00.001-05:00

Yikes! This adventure presents us with quite a different visage from Congo Bill's handsome mug! We can tell from his baggy eyes, five-o'clock shadow, crazily-waxed mustache and bad grammar that he's up to NO GOOD!

Seems Mr. Logan has been swapping whiskey for ivory, and the - wait, just what are those natives wearing on their heads...clown wigs?

At any rate, it seems Bill's stay in Syria was short-lived, and the joyous thump-thump-thump of the jungle drums announce his return to the dark continent!

No bad deed goes unnoticed by our boy Bill, and he confronts the miscreant!!

The law says - ka-POW!

Of course, like all jungle scientists and/or bootleggers, Logan has a tagalong daughter. You can tell she's the daughter of a villain by her stringy hair!

Janet's her name, and clearing her father's good name is her game! That is, until her father proves his guilt by escaping from the hoosegow

Louie lures Congo Bill into the jungle, where he has set up a spike-bottomed pit to trap and kill our hero. And...what's this? It seems actually to have worked?

As you kids would say, : (

That might be the end of the story with one of these modern fly-by-night jungle heroes with ambiguous sexual orientation, like Dave Salmoni, but this is CONGO BILL. Of COURSE he was two steps ahead of Louie the whole time. He returns, seemingly from the dead - for as you know, criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot - and...well, let's let Bill finish up the story, shall we?

"The witch doctor that alerted me to Louie's escape was in on the crooked ivory trade from the get-go, so I tricked him into the death pit and plotted my revenge on Louie. I confronted him on the deck of the riverboat and, errrr, accidentally knocked him into the river where he was eaten by crocodiles. Totally accidental, I swear! Now I think I'll keep his tagalong daughter Janet around for one more adventure, do something with her hair, after which she'll never be heard from again! And don't forget our Congo Creed, kids - THE WAYS OF JUSTICE ARE OFTEN STRANGE!"

Congo Chronicle 21: The Haunted Castle!

2011-03-01T15:23:00.002-05:00

Gosh, that's a beautiful slash panel, huh? Fred Ray (1920-2001), writer and illustrator of our current adventures, spent lots of time copying out Sunday comic strips to improve his technique. I imagine we're seeing the influence of Hal Foster.

Fred Ray also lived with his mother until her death and died a bachelor. Not that that signifies anything one way or the other.

Anyway, since we left him last month, Congo Bill (still delirious with grief over the departure of Professor Kent, one has to imagine) has traveled from Freetown to Syria, a mere 3500 miles as the crow flies, give or take. We join him as he explores an old Crusader castle, along with another scientist father/ tagalong daughter pair.

Ann wants to go exploring - what do the men-folk have to say about that?!?

Hmmmph, the unmitigated gall of you men!

In an unrelated note, seeing Ann astride her horse reminds me of my grandmother, who in 1916 wore a pair of her brother's pants and rode the family horse to town on an errand. The mayor arrested her for wearing pants in public. Her brother had to go to town and punch the mayor in the nose to get her out of jail. She went on to become a rich lawyer's wife and society maven. True story.

By the way, I'm pretty sure that Ann's a lesbian.

She soon finds out the error of her headstrong ways - -

Bill and Dr. Standish can't go looking for her til morning, because of the torrential rainstorm that Bill "felt".

Next day....

Yikes! Good deduction, Bill!

Bill proceeds to traipse through the castle, talking aloud to himself...

...eventually running afoul of a Crusader Knight in the flesh!

Bill bobs and weaves with the dexterity of a savage jungle cat, and...watch that first step, brother, it's a DOOZY!

Lots of uninteresting exposition involving a hidden treasure and a pair of swindling gold thieves disguised as crusader knights and - wait, what, did you say hidden treasure?!? Could this be the answer to Bill's troubles? Why, with an endless supply of gold coin Bill could be with Professor Kent AND still have his little adventures in Africa, right? RIGHT?!?

Aww, gee, what a letdown! Why didn't they just say "Buy War Bonds" and be done with it?

Congo Chronicle 20: The Vanishing Airplanes!

2011-02-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

After weeks of travelling, our intrepid trio finally arrives at the coast - the west coast, to be specific. (Of Africa, if you haven't been paying attention.) Freetown, Sierra Leone, to be more specific, which as you probably already know was a British Crown Colony during World War II, as well as the largest port on Africa's west coast. At any rate, seems word has spread quickly that Congo Bill and company have reached civilization quickly!

But before he can solve another mystery, Bill has one more task to complete, as he and - GAAAAH, what?!?

Yes, gentle readers, the sad tale that I've been foreshadowing for the past three years has finally come to pass, in panel THREE of the story for crissakes. With a heartfelt "Well, there they go," Congo Bill says goodbye to his bachelor companion, noted botanist and archaeologist Professor Joe (or maybe James) Kent. Look at how forlorn Joe (or maybe James) looks at Bill's shoulder. Things have been rough between them for several months now, what with the friction between Joe's (or maybe James') academic pursuits, and Bill's thirst for action and fisticuffs - the constant girlish chattering of Sheila probably only made things worse. I'm betting Joe (or maybe James) is hoping Bill will tearfully come after him, beg him to stay in Africa looking for rare plants and/or lost civilizations, and never leave his side. Maybe a little something like this:

But, times and paper rationing being what they were during WWII (The Big One), I'm sure the editors chose to gloss over such sentimentality for the sake of getting on with the he-man adventuring. Though Professor Kent (and, thankfully, Sheila Hanlen) will never be heard from again in the Jungle Annals, you'll discover that Congo Bill will fill the void in his heart with a steady succession of fit young British Airmen, bearded lost scientists, and eventually, a loincloth-clad jungle boy. But more on that later, on with adventure. Seems a steady stream of British planes have been taking off from Freetown headed for Cairo - and disappearing mid-flight! Let's hear from the first of Congo Bill's new friends, Dick (tee hee) McCarthy!

Congo Bill lands when he spots what he believes to be a downed British plane. But what's this - a trick? Nice try, Uncle Adolf....now how about a little five-finger Jungle Justice?

Ka-POWIE!

But then - -

Bill, like the RAF boys before him, is taken as a prisoner of war. Luckily, the Krauts realize what a prize they've taken!

Don't panic, Congoids, we all know that our boy Bill would never sell out to the Huns! But he plays along just long enough for Big Dick McCarthy to come looking for him!

(Why Major Joyce didn't just send a squadron out instead of calling on Congo Bill in the first place may have crossed your mind as it did mine, dear reader, but - - oh, wait, look over there!)

Yes! Bill's longshot scheme of igniting gasoline with a lit cigarette - crazy, RIGHT? - works, against all odds! The captured airmen are saved! But - what about the Nazi horde, surely they won't escape the law of the Jungle, will they? Ha, not if Bill and his tommy gun have anything to say about it. AND THEY DO!

Wow, look at the size of it!

That's all for now, stay tuned for more of Congo Bill's post-Professor Kent overcompensation!

Congo Chronicle 19: The Golden Idol!

2011-02-28T10:49:00.001-05:00

In the striking establishing shot above, fashion conscious readers will notice that Congo Bill has swapped his usual ecru jersey for one of Superman's-hair blue. Never fear, the change is only superficial - he's still up to his inexplicable-yet-macho tricks, like shooting a cup out of a thirsty man's hand!

Bill drives the point home with a good right hook! You'll drink when Congo Bill sez so and like it, see?

Well, I guess he had good cause. Seems all the pools in the vicinity are poisoned. Not only that, but there's a Golden Idol in the middle of the jungle with Emerald Eyes, and any man who tries to steal the gems is killed instantly! Isn't that right, Lester Drake?

Say, I see Sheila Hanlen is still hanging around tossing off pointless bon mots, but where's Professor Kent been during all the excitement?

Sigh. As often as I've warned Professor Kent that his obsession with rare plants was driving a wedge between he and Congo Bill, and now Sheila seems to be driving the point home for her own selfish reasons.

The intrepid party finally finds the mysterious Idol and it's oddly phallic staircase! Strange, but...not too strange for Africa!

But it seems THIS trail is none too happy, as...

A gold prospector turns up and a thrilling round of introductions ensues!

But all isn't kosher with Herr Fortescue!

Suspect?! Yankee Dog??! CLEARLY you don't know with whom you're dealing, Ratzi! Congo Bill is on to your villainous scheme!

Fortescue makes his escape. But evildoers can never escape the the pull of JUNGLE JUSTICE

With a canteen of normal water, maybe. BUT NOT WITH A CANTEEN OF THE POISONED WATER THAT CONGO BILL COLLECTED FOR TESTING! Take THAT, Kraut! A victim of your own depraved medicine!

Well, everything REALLY tied up nicely this time, hmmm? Then why does Professor Kent look so glum? Find out NEXT TIME!

Congo Chronicle 5: The Monkey Men!

2011-02-25T10:14:00.001-05:00

A brief hop back in time, readers, to the once-missing Chronicle 5, found at last!

It turns out that Bill and the Professor's pre-Sheila nosey tagalong, Gloria Desmond, didn't disappear into thin air after all...at least not yet.

Well, sister, if it's thrills and adventure you're after, you found it and how!

Bill leads the way across a treacherous ravine, where he is ambushed by a ferocious "monkey-man", with a mighty "EE-EE-YA!"

Professor Kent, after all their recent squabbles, is reassuringly wild with rage and grief at the capture of his adventuring companion!

Bill, meanwhile, is surprised to find that the leader of the monkey-men is a white man - who has been fooled into thinking he himself is a monkey-man because of his long beard.

The law of the Jungle has no time for misdirection, so naturally it's quickly determined that the strange bearded gentleman is Gloria's father...but what's this?

Bill's field medic training (he was a World War I Air Ace, as you recall) leads him to a quick diagnosis!

Heh heh heh. "Unbuckle my cartridge belt." Smooth, Bill!

But careful - your cavalier flirtation with Gloria Desmond has prompted Professor Kent to start shooting up the place!

Now that Professor Kent has slaughtered the last traces of a previously-unknown-to-science bipedal hominid species, we can wrap up the story and get back to adventuring. Turns out that Mr. Desmond's survival is all on account of his luxurious beard!

And speaking of beards, get a load of that last panel. Ick, girls are gross, and have no place in he-man adventuring! Thankfully Gloria Desmond is never seen or heard from again. But, you'll see the sad result of Bill's flirtatious ways in the very next installment.....

Congo Chronicle 18: The Jungle Film!

2011-02-24T09:21:00.000-05:00

Still on his way to the coast with "good friend" Professor Kent and professional harpy Sheila Hanlen, Congo Bill comes across a strange sight!

Bill's careful choice of words seem to indicate that other ethnicities being buried up to their necks might not be such a big problem. Also, for you in-the-know hepcats out there, the red sky in the background places this adventure squarely during the Crisis on Infinite Earths!

But - what's this? Looks like that crazy fool Bill has stumbled onto the only 1940's-era jungle film to actually film in a real jungle!

The effects of the inter-dimensional crisis have already taken hold, changing history so that Professor Kent's first name is now James, not Joe as previously recounted. Is this the only change to affect our heroes? Stay tuned, Jungle Bunnies!

Well, fantastic. Not only has Sheila insinuated herself into Bill's boys-only he-man adventure club, now she's an actress all of a sudden? Miss Hanlen, I know Maureen O'Sullivan, and you're no Maureen O'Sullivan. I hope the script calls for her to be buried up to her neck. Or even better - mauled by a ferocious lion!

Oh, but...damn, seems like the lion wasn't really supposed to attack. There's a saboteur on the loose!

Hmmmph, those sissy Hollywood types, always giving up so easy. Don't worry, mama's boy, Bill has a plan!

Ah, the old plant-a-fake-clue-to-draw-the-killer-out scheme, eh? Well played, CB!

Seems the local natives have a cave stocked full of precious elephant tusks, which the assistant gaffer wants all to himself. Will he succeed? Well - the film's working title isn't Jungle Justice for nothing...

It sure is, Bill. That's not all that's over, as we find out in the next adventure, as you reach - The Coast!

Congo Chronicle 17: Jungle Drums!

2008-12-23T09:59:00.008-05:00

Sorry to have been away so long, Jungle Bunnies; but a fella has to make a living and, well, chronicling the adventures of a globetrotting man-of-action pays about as well as crawling through the jungle looking for rare plants.

So, where were we? Ah, yes, Action Comics #41 finds Bill, Prof, and nosy tag-along Sheila "headed for the coast". Along the way, they stop at a British military post, where...

Who could be whipping the blacks into a frenzy? A huge white man, naturally!
Bill is going to get to the bottom of this in no time, and loyal Professor Kent will brook no argument, he's going with him! But, next morning, as on so many mornings before, a groggy Joe Kent rolls over to find a tear-stained note....

Well, Bill, suit yourself. But mark my words, your action-hungry ways might just cost you the security of a life on the fringes of academia if you're not careful!

The "huge white man" hears of Congo Bill's coming, and we find out his underlying motives for stirring up the natives...he's a dirty kraut!

When Bill arrives at the native village, Scheller dishes out the hospitality but our man of action ain't buying!

Bill challenges the Ratzi swine to hand-to-hand combat, in order to prove to the natives that no force is stronger than good ol' American brawn!

What follows are several scenes reminiscent of the fevered late-night dreams of yours truly, usually involving gladiators and/or at least three of the Baldwin brothers; suffice it to say the German sweinhund, though larger and stronger, is no match for the lithe American athleticism of Congo Bill!

Everyone knows the only way a Nazi can subdue one of our American boys is via teutonic trickery, and in a sneak attack Bill is pinned to the ground!

Just then, Professor Kent arrives by plane and rushes toward Bill's prostate...oh wait, no, I read that wrong....

Bill is safe, thanks to the sudden burst of manhood from Professor Kent, but what of Herr Scheller? Auf wiedersehn, Ratzi! Say 'guten tag' to a little something we like to call Jungle JUSTICE!

What's next for our heroes, will they ever make it to the "coast"? STAY TUNED!

Congo Chronicle 16: The Prehistoric Valley!

2008-11-02T10:04:00.014-05:00

Welcome back, Congophiles! This week, from Action Comics #40, Congo Bill braves the dangers of The Prehistoric Valley!

The adventure starts, as such adventures often do, with the thrilling quest for rare fl...aw, Jeezus, Kent, I warned you once...you'd best mind yourself or Bill's going to find a rare flower of his own. Yes, that's foreshadowing.

Next morning, Prof seems to have dyed his hair and mustache and lost about thirty pounds...too little, too late Kent, to keep Congo Bill from adventuring!
"Lay" of the land indeed. How about a little mammarian symbolism? Careful, Bill....once you pass the mounds of Venus, things can get hairy!

Oh, my friend, your nightmare's just beginning. How about a little more of that symbolism we discussed earlier, hmmm?

You're in it now, buddy. But where was I? Oh, yes, inside the cave, Bill finds a mad scientist and his neice, reminiscent of Chronicle 8's Scientist/Step-daughter duo.

Seems Dr. Hanlen is keen on getting back to civilization and claiming credit for discovering the Prehistoric Valley, but Sheila thinks he's lost his marbles! She pulls Bill aside to plot their takeover of the cave when:

Bill tries to disarm the crazed scientist but as everyone knows, the strength of the insane is not to be underestimated!

Enjoy the embrace of a man, Bill, it may be the last one you get for a while. Oh, look, more foreshadowing!

The Professor darts out of the cave, not having the benefit of knowing, as all true Congophiles do, that THE WAYS OF JUSTICE ARE OFTEN STRANGE.

Wow, that's an amazing story, don't you think so Professor Kent?

I warned you Kent, and now look - all you can think about is your damn plants, and CONGO BILL IS MAKING EYES AT LITTLE MISS SHEILA HANLEN, AND TOSSING OFF SEXIST 1940'S "COMPLIMENTS" TO BOOT!

What could this possibly mean, dear readers? Has the blonde minx Sheila Hanlen finally accomplished what others before her have failed to do, destroy the fabled "companionship" of Congo Bill and Professor Kent?!?!? STAY TUNED!

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Action Comics #40....

Clark Kent reveals the secret of his success!

Zatara goes someplace together with his boys!

The Black Pirate leaves his poopdeck unguarded!

Pep Morgan makes his mark with a quick "job"!

Mr. America sneaks out of a hotel!

And the Three Aces confirm all my suspicions!

Congo Chronicle 15: The Secret U-Boat Base!

2008-10-19T20:51:00.012-04:00

August 1941, and Action Comics #39 lets us know that even the Jungle isn't safe from the machinations of those Nazi swine! Bill is summoned to Cairo and a meeting with the British Army!

Ha ha, you tell 'em, Bill! But first, a sad farewell!

Bill makes his way across the Mediterranean towards Gibraltar, but then......!

Bill survives the crash, as if there was any doubt, and he makes quick work of the Nazi patrol!
That's what she said!

But what's this....?

Bill breaks into the wireless shack and notifies the RAF!

Unfortunately, Bill is captured by the Ratzis and before long.....

Never fear, Congo Billions - for the third time in as many adventures, Bill is saved in the nick of time by an Explosion! This time, courtesy of His Majesty's Daring Doughboys!

You can say that again, CB!

Elsewhere in Action this month...
Superman gets ready for some cosplay!

Mr. America returns a favor!

Pep Morgan, Athletic Ace, spends a
nervous night in the pokey!

...and Zatara pays a visit to a queen!

Congo Chronicle 14: The Mines of Ophir!

2008-10-16T19:26:00.013-04:00

We join Congo Bill and Professor Joe Kent in Action Comics #38 (July 1941) on a quest for rare plants!
Jesus, Kent, enough with the plants. No wonder Bill's itching to cut bait and run. Here's a tip - if you want to find rare tropical plants that no one's seen before, you might want to try someplace besides the middle of the African savannah.
Ah, but if it's men you're after....

Bill shows his tender, caring side as he cradles the dying man and pumps him for information!

Seems the unfortunate chap was on an expedition with his brother, in search of the fabled mines of Ophir. But the brother went crazy, shot his brother, and stole the map! Once Bill hears the whole story...
The very soul of compassion. You should volunteer for Hospice, CB!

Now, why doesn't someone who's good at expostulation tell us about these mines of Ophir?

Thanks, Prof! I'll just add that Ophir is mentioned in the Bible as the source of much of King Solomon's wealth, and has been theorized to be located in Zimbabwe, as well as Pakistan, India, and even Australia. Adventure writer H. Rider Haggard, in King Solomon's Mines, placed it in South Africa, scene of many of Congo Bill's own adventures!
Following clues given them by the dead man, Bill and Prof go in search of the Red Cliffs!
Just then, they are ambushed by some vicious savages! Luckily....

(Of course, being a savage, he doesn't know that the proper spelling is B'Wana. Ha ha stupid savages!)
I can think of no explanation for Professor Kent having "lost ten pounds" other than that he shit his pants.
Bill tracks the evil brother to the edge of the cliffs, where the brother opens fire! But Bill is saved by the jungle tracker's best friend, the lucky break!

Unfortunately, Bill is unable to exact personal revenge, as the brother suddenly explodes. Yes, that's right, I said explodes. What's the explanation for this mysterious explosion?

Well, thank goodness that's settled. And look - - next month we have an unusual adventure to look forward to!

Elsewhere in Action Comics this month...

Mr. America lures a man into an alley!

The Black Pirate is invited to a ball!

The Three Aces wonder what to do with a girl!

Pep Morgan, athletic ace, cruises the park!

Zatara is surpised by a premature ejection!

And Superman discovers the secret behind Lois Lane's moxy!

Congo Chronicle 13: The Italian Officer!

2008-10-12T18:57:00.017-04:00

As mentioned last time, June 1941 sees Congo Bill's move to Action Comics, with #37. Action was (and is) the home of America's favorite champion, Superman. But of course you knew that.

Astute readers will notice a subtle change in the artwork this month. Til now we've been treated to to the work of George Papp, a DC Comics workhorse who slaved away on such features as Superboy, Green Arrow, and The Legion of Super-Heroes. With the move to Action, we welcome artist Fred Ray, best known for his tireless work on Congo Bill's fellow he-man adventurer, Tomahawk.

We join up with Bill and Prof as they travel to Tabur, to meet Kent's old pal Major Stirling. In addition to confirmation that Kent is indeed an old bugger...oh, er, sorry, I mean beggar...we learn his first name...Joe. Hmmmph. I thought at the very least he'd have some kind of high-falutin' egghead name like Reginald or Archibald. Unfortunately, his jolly "I want you to meet Congo Bill" gives us no clue to Bill's surname, if indeed he even has one, and isn't legally named "Congo Bill".

Which wouldn't be unheard of, I suppose. Shortly before the birth of an acquaintance of mine, his mother asked his older brothers what they'd like to name the new baby. They said "Buffalo Bill". And that's what they named him. True story.

I also think it safe to assume that "Tabur" is a made-up name, and that the action hasn't all-of-a-sudden shifted to Malaysia.

Of course, Major Stirling has to introduce a girl into the procedings to foul everything up:

Syble. Think it rhymes with bible?

Stirling explains his predicament:

"Askari", as you probably already know, was a generic term for East African natives that were pressed into military service by various colonial powers.

A renegade Askari escapes the compound to warn the enemy, followed closely by Syble, followed even more closely by Congo Bill, who knows the trouble that a nosey dame can cause! Bill confronts the Askari, who struggles with him at the edge of a steep cliff! Fortunately, the next few panels give Bill a chance to show off many of his masculine skills!

Swimming!!

Tracking!

Pole Vaulting!
Fisticuffs, not to mention witty repartee!

Marksmanship!!

Bossing around uppity dames!!!

Also in Action Comics this month......

Superman tackles "a couple of hard guys"!

Pep Morgan, Athletic Ace,

sneaks into a male dormitory!

The Three Aces are startled
by a giant phallic symbol!

Mr. America gets some boys talking!

And Zatara The Magician
bets on the Beavers!

Join us next time for more testosterone-charged adventures with
Congo Bill and his friends!

Congo Chronicle 11: The Moon Orchid!

2008-10-11T10:21:00.013-04:00

As promised, More Fun #66 (April 1941) brings us the harrowing tale of "The Moon Orchid"! This is Congo Bill's next-to last appearance in More Fun Comics, but since that tale is one of the two that I don't possess, I'm just going to bring it up now and then never mention it again, much like Chuck Cunningham on Happy Days.

We find Bill and Prof in a steamy jungle, on another one of Prof's crazy plant-hunts! This time, it's the maybe-imaginary moon orchid....
How prescient of you, Congo Bill! No sooner said than done!
Is it just me, or does Prof's silent gasp of terror/Broadway kickline dance step remind you of someone? Let's see, who was it....? Oh, yes;
Anyway, no sooner does CB realize Prof is missing than he, too, is attacked. But the scrappy Bill fights back with a barrage of racist taunts!
"Black devils". Wow. Sounds like a McCain-Palin campaign stop!

As explained in the text, CB and Prof have been nabbed by the bloodthirsty Mesabi tribe, guardians of the aforementioned Moon Orchid. The Mesabi apparently take their name from a mountain range....in Minnesota.

CONGO BILL FUN FACT: The Mesabi Iron Range, discovered in 1866, is the chief deposit of iron ore in the United States!

CB awakens next to Bill in one of their standard Physique Pictorial fantasy set-ups:

They're soon joined by a lusty young female!

"Entoo tali wambi sasu, walli" translates roughly as "I'm going to take this knife and wear it out on you!" But CB is saved by the timely arrival of a peg-leg white man!

In junior high school, I had a math teacher named Mister Marriot. Rumor had it that he had a wooden leg. Also, his flaming homosexuality meter rating fell somewhere between Charles Nelson Reilly and Little Richard. When my big sister and her prom date, both awkward and misfits, decided to blow off the prom they went to Mr. Marriot's house and drank scotch with him.
One time he cornered me in the boys' room so that he could offer my mother and I tickets to the symphony.
When my little sister was in his class, she and a friend were passing a note that said "Mr. Marriot is a peg-leg fag". Mr. Marriot saw them passing it, snatched it up, and read aloud: "Mr. Marriot is a peg-leg fag. OH IS HE??!??" He then tacked the note to the board and left it there the rest of the year.
True story.
But you really have to hear my sister's imitation to get the full effect.

"She just likes to kill, it's an inborn trait." Er, I.....yeah, I got nothin'.
Peg-Leg explains how he came to be a "guest" of the Mesabi:

CB, Prof and Peg-Leg organize their escape plan and make it to the edge of the village, where they happen to stumble upon (cue chorus of angelic voices)...

Prof can barely contain his excitement, and does perhaps the most manly act he's performed thus far in the chronicles - giving us some DILF beefcake while he's at it!

To cover their escape, Bill unleashes a barrel of nitroglycerin that Peg-Leg has just happened to have lying around since his capture, because nitroglycerin is a well-known tool of geologic expeditions. But....has Bill's enthusiasm for action finally done him in? Say it ain't so, Bill!

After a few harrowing seconds of worry, Bill proves that he's not only man enough to survive an explosion, but also had time to whip himself up a manly kilt of acacia leaves. The tailoring is impeccable!

I DO find it a bit suspicious that Peg-Leg is on his knees and Prof looks like he's been caught in the act of fastening up his britches, but whatever. C'est la vie, as they say in the jungle.
Next time, we follow Bill and Prof to the pages of Action Comics, which will be Bill's permanent home for the next several years...don't miss it!

Congo Chronicle 10: The Diamond Curse!

2008-10-02T21:31:00.007-04:00

Fear not, gentle reader, thanks to the insistent card and/or letter from my loyal FAN, I'm back, and will endeavor to be more regular!

Now, then, where were we? Ah, yes, More Fun # 65 (March 1941) and The Diamond Curse!

And what's this? Bill and Prof sharing a room?

Sure you have Bill! Winston Darrow, famous collector of unusual stones! (These were the days before television, kids, when collectors of unusual stones could be world famous)
Prof and Bill head to the docks to meet Darrow. Perhaps Darrow is deaf and/or blind, as Prof feels compelled to scream at the top of his lungs even though Darrow is the only person on the docks, and is looking directly at him.
Seems Darrow is after a particular diamond which has recently come up for sale, a diamond that is associated with a tragic curse!
Naturally, being a man of science, plus a greedy son of a bitch, Darrow is after the diamond for his collection...as well as a certain brawny bodyguard!
So, once again, Bill leaves Prof behind in his thirst for adventure and/or hanging out with other men! Signs of trouble to come....?
Well, that didn't take long. The criminals do away with Darrow and replace him with an exact lookalike....a crooked lookalike!
Unlike Bill, show-biz doesn't seem to be second nature for our hapless jewel thief! Luckily for him, the diamond broker doesn't pick up on his nervous laughter - because, really, what would a diamond broker ever have to be nervous about, anyway?
The fake Darrow makes good his escape, with Bodyguard Bill in tow - but....can he escape the curse?
The answer is NO!
But no sooner has "Darrow" keeled over dead when...
The taxi driver absconds with the diamond, but he can't escape the expert tracking skills of Congo Bill! (Yes, I know we're not technically in the Congo for this adventure, but rather in a city large enough to support regular cab service. Nontheless....) Bill tracks the taxi driver to the headquarters of the Smartest Diamond Thief in the World!

Oh, and also, besides being the smartest diamond thief in the world, he's afraid of nothing!
Oh, Randu? Not even centuries-old diamond curses?

Well, all's well that ends well, I say. Oh, except for freeing the real Darrow and explaining the curse of the diamond.
Bill, I love ya man, but you really didn't see that revelation coming? I'm starting to understand your hostility to Prof's scientific leanings!
So, there you go. Next time....The Moon Orchid!

Congo Chronicle 9: The Thing!

2008-09-19T19:33:00.007-04:00

Here comes trouble indeed, CB! More Fun #64 sees Bill and Prof headed for a "friend's" plantation. Based on its size, the attacking beast seems to be a white rhinoceros, native to South and Central Africa. Congo Bill Fun Fact: All five species of Rhinoceros (White, Black, Indian, Javan, and Sumatran) are endangered, but White Rhinocerii are the least vulnerable, with roughly 14,500 remaining in the wild.

Lucky thing, as Congo Bill's trusty rifle puts this one down for good!

But then........
Attacked by a chimp! Ring a bell, readers? That's right, it's no ordinary chimp, it's our old pal!
Bill, Prof and O'Toole head for the plantation where the trouble of the month is revealed. The Plantation owner is eager to sell his land, but a mysterious bulletproof evildoer has been systematically murdering the native plantation owners in the dead of night, leaving only a threatening note behind:
The Thing??!? Surely not......
....bears a striking resemblance, that's all I'm sayin'.

Bill manages to force a confrontation with the mysterious Thing (and it's still only page 4!) but finds that the rumours of his bulletproofness are not overblown!
Next day, the threat the Thing poses become all-too clear! Looks like Bill faces a leveredged buy-outch!

Not to fear, Bill has a plan. We knew he had a lovely singing voice, but who knew he had theatrical skills as well....?
Bill chases the hooded hoodlum through the underbrush, and gives us a shot of his rippling ebony torso!
Bill is determined to stop the Thing, despite his injuries - but in the nick of time, (as he had done so capably in Chronicle 2), O'Toole saves the day!
Once captured, The Thing turns out to be the prospective buyer (I can now reveal, dear reader, that I suspected this all along!)
Mr. Tate, after a lengthy prison stay, went on to become a partner in a prestigious ad agency!

Next time - more hard-fisted action with Congo Bill!

Congo Chronicle 8: The Jungle Scientist!

2008-09-14T13:49:00.004-04:00

More Fun #63 (January 1941) gets the new year off to a rousing start as "close friends" Bill and Prof are "engaged" in "research":

Few animal behaviorists either, I guess, else someone might have known that it's the female lion that does the hunting, not the male....
Bill dispatches the hungry beast easily enough with his trusty sidearm, but just then, a...um....well, an old man wearing a turban and some type of Mormon holy garment emerges from the jungle!
What th- indeed, Professor!
What's that you say, Congo Bill?
Hmmm. Thought so.
The Mormon disappears and Bill and Prof forget all about him....that is, until.....
As you may have surmised by now, the Mormon Jungle Scientist is controlling the trees with the "weird perfume" that Congo Bill sniffed out earlier. The Scientist returns and leads the captives to his Jungle Laboratory which is shickoingly full of apparatus!
My friend Sue once told me about a friend of hers, an ex-Marine, who upon returning from the Vietnam War was hitchhiking cross-country with a fellow vet. A man picked them up and, at gunpoint, led them back to the basement of his house, which was also full of apparatus. The man then proceeded to strip naked and, again at gunpoint, forced the Marines to throw apples at him as forcefully as they could. True story.

Anyway, Bill and Prof find a girl locked up in the laboratory, who happens to be the Mormon Jungle Scientist's step-daughter. Why is she locked up, you ask?
Luckily, the gal has moxy, and has picked up just enough science to reproduce the tree-controlling weird perfume!
The trio escapes, the Mormon Jungle Scientist succumbs to an ironic demise at the limbs of his flesh-eating trees, and all is well with the world. And not a single apple had to be lobbed! We even dispose of little miss what's-her-name, leaving her in a village of top hat-wearing savages.
Oh, yeah - it took the Marines about three throws to knock the gun out of the guy's hand and kick his sorry ass. True story. Leading me to
CONGO BILL'S LIFE LESSON FOR TODAY: Don't hitchhike!

Congo Chronicle 7: Treachery at Utangi Gap!

2008-09-05T21:07:00.008-04:00

With More Fun #62 (December 1940), we finally get to the gist of Congo Bill and Professor Kent's recent tensions - as with so many couples - er, I mean, bachelor friends - the problem is money! Apparently, Daddy's botanical treks aren't bringing in the green for Baby!
So Bill's not too keen on pulling his own weight, it seems! Don't panic, he comes to his senses and starts pouring over the want ads.
Also worth noting is, at last, a specific geographic location for our stalwart adventurers - South Africa! Quite a ways from the Congo, but as we'll see in future installments, Bill has a way of getting around!
Bill spies a classified ad for a guide that suits his fancy, and as it happens the employer is staying in the very same hotel! "Condon" (if that IS his name) wants Bill to lead he and his "deaf-mute" traveling companion to Utangi Gap (which as near as I can tell is NOT in South Africa, nor anywhere on planet Earth. Perhaps it's some obscure reference to author and faith pioneer Channappa Uttangi?)
Bill doesn't like what he hears, but bruthah need some scratch!
Once at the gap, Bill's suspicions prove well-founded! Instead of the expected payment he gets a Mickey Finn!
Bill, having ripped a pocket off of Condon's jacket, manages to save himself of course and finds a tattered clipping in the purloined pocket!
Bill tracks Condon to a deserted plantation house, where the "deaf-mute" turns out to be....aged billionaire Cecil Vander!
But, as we found out last time, The Ways Of Justice Are Often Strange! Cecil's drug-induced stupor wears off and he goes temorarily insane!
Bill arrives just in time to prevent a jungle bloodbath!
Bill leads Vander back to civilization, still expecting to show up in Prof's suite with empty pockets - but Bill forgets that The Ways Of Justice Often Work To The Betterment Of Poor Jungle Trackers!
Well, I'll ignore the obvious questions like "how did Vander get a checkbook when he's been kidnapped in the jungle for God knows how long", and "how does Congo Bill know whether a check is real or not, unless maybe he's not looking at the check and gaaaah what would he be looking at then" and simply rejoice in the fact that Bill and Kent are financed free and clear to Jungle Track and botanize another day!

Congo Chronicle 6: The Madman of the Jungle

2008-09-04T21:03:00.014-04:00

The astute among you will have noticed that today's post, #6, follows immediately on the heels of #4. The truly gifted will of course surmise that I am retarded and don't know that 5 comes after 4. Not so!
Bill's fifth adventure, "The Monkey Men" (More Fun Comics 60, October 1940) is lost to the ravages of time. The same holds true for Chronicle 12, coming in a week or so....so no angry letters when 11 jumps to 13!
That being said, if anyone has a copy of More Fun #s 60 or 67 lying about gathering dust, drop me a line and my appreciation will know no limit.
Now, then, on to More Fun #61 and "The Madman of the Jungle". There is, despite the Professor's invitation for her to stick around, no sign of the odious Gloria Desmond. Presumably her silk blouse didn't hold up too well to the steamy jungle heat, or maybe her Chanel scarf caught on a branch and strangled her. Good riddance!
We join Bill as he guides Professor Kent through the jungle. At last, we can put to rest the furious debate about whether Professor Kent is an archaeologist, as seen in Chronicle 1, or a botanist, as inferred here. He's both - and, apparently, NOTED in both disciplines!

Unfortunately, Bill still hasn't resolved his underlying resentment about Prof's methodical passion for plants!
Before a full-on argument can develop, Bill and Kent are approached by some native policemen (referred to later in the story as "stupid" - apparently a common enough problem in Africa). The police are after a dangerous escaped convict and need the help of an expert jungle tracker like Congo Bill!
As luck would have it, the pair have hardly said goodbye to the stupid police when...
Jungle tracker meets shirtless convict....reminds me of an issue of Physique Pictorial I read once!
Anyway....seems poor Allen was convicted of the murder of a former client, Jean Villon, who went crazy after crash-landing in the jungle and faked his own death, so that Allen would be framed for his murder and Villon could have the diamonds he found all to himself. Except, turns out, since Villon is crazy, the things he thinks are diamonds are actually worthless pebbles. I know, right? All that careful planning for nothing!

I should also mention that Villon is French. You can tell because a) his name is Jean, b) he's crazy, and c) he's unwashed and has beady eyes.
Villon lures our trio into into his cabin, locks them in, and sets the place on fire - giving Convict Colby an opportune moment to flex his prison-toned muscles. Welcome to the gun show, ladies!
Not to be outdone, Bill flexes his mental muscles with an ingenious escape plan!
The police are drawn by the noise of the explosion and prepare to capture Villon, but....
Villon is mauled to death and everyone lives happily ever after.
I bet you "welcomed the excitement", you sly dog! It doesn't hurt that you and shirtless aviator convict Colby have a love of flying in common, does it now?

That's it for now, be back soon. But I leave you with our first CONGO BILL FUN FACT!
CONGO BILL FUN FACT #1: "The Ways of Justice are often strange!" Amen, brother!

Congo Chronicle 4: Gloria Desmond's Quest!

2008-09-03T20:20:00.013-04:00

Well, we knew their African paradise couldn't last. Along comes little miss Gloria Desmond in More Fun Comics #59 to foul things up - just like a girl.

"Yes, missy, we are, and don't you forget it! Meanwhile, why don't you give us some endless exposition about you and your problems?"

Bill, ever itching for action as usual, has to be reminded - quite snippily, I must assume - that he's part of a partnership!

One good thing this adventure has to offer - more information on Bill's mysterious background!
Assuming he was 16 or 17 when he flew in World War I (a manly man of action like our Bill would have certainly lied about his age!) that would make Bill....gadzooks! Pushing 40 and still fit as a fiddle!

The plane lands and is soon spotted by a group of savage "Horned Tondurs".
For the record, I can find no evidence that a tribe called the "Horned-Tondurs" ever really existed. The foolish natives, completely oblivious to the marvels of the modern world, makes a fatal - - gaaaaaah! This was a comic book?!? For KIDS???!!!?
Oh, well, it was just a savage. And despite the injury to their chief the filthy moon-worshippers capture Gloria and spirit her away!
Again for the record - several moon-worshipping tribes do inhabit Central Africa, in particular the Baganda tribe - but I can't vouch for the sacrifice business.

Nonetheless, Congo Bill knows there is only one way to rescue Gloria - impersonate their Moon-God by wearing nothing but an aviator's helmet and his underwear!
Well, unless he's a very good actor, he must appear old enough to be her father - so maybe 40's not so off the mark? Bill solidifies his act with an 11 o'clock number, his "Hymn to the Moon God".......
...I don't make this stuff up, folks.

The episode ends with Gloria being brutally murdered by the sava....oh, wait, no, that didn't happen. The episode ends with Gloria flying off in triumph with Congo Bill and Professor Kent, vowing to pester them some more - but what's this? It actually seems to be Professor Kent's idea? Perhaps their separate vacation was more of a warning sign than we guessed!

Now, let's take a moment to recap what we've learned about the manly and mysterious Congo Bill:
He was an air ace in World War I;
He can sing (I imagine a rich, masculine baritone timbre, don't you?);
He wears briefs;
He could be Irish;
He's a picky eater;
He has a fear of captivity.
Stay tuned as we continue to explore the myth and mystery of CONGO BILL!

Congo Chronicle 3: Attack of the Leopard Men!

2008-09-01T19:45:00.021-04:00

In More Fun Comics #58 (August 1940) we find Congo Bill and Professor Kent having a leisurely rest in a "peaceful native village" where Professor Kent is "absorbed in the study of African plant life" - so Kent is a botanist, then? The hapless henchmen of the Skull in More Fun #56 seemed to have taken him for an archaeologist - perhaps, in the heady, adventurous days of the early 1940's, any advanced degree would do!

Bill and his new aide-de-camp, O'Toole, are itching for action, as all manly men do! Prof intuitively senses Bill's unease...a crack in the thus-far seamless veneer of their May-December bachelor friendship....?

The peace is disturbed by news that a pack of vicious Leopard Men have been attacking peaceful natives, following the bidding of our old nemesis THE SKULL!

Bill is ready to spring into action and rid the Dark Continent of the threat of The Skull once and for all, when he is interrupted by a dapper and polite newcomer!

An interesting exchange ensues - Bill introduces himself....as CONGO BILL!

Could this be his given name??!? What's more, Inspector Slade of Scotland Yard has heard of him...and doesn't flinch at not being offered a traditional surname!

Bill prepares to set sail with the Inspector....but what's this? Could it be- seperate vacations for our gentlemen companions?

Tracking The Skull - - the Leopard Men attack!

The Leopard Men are no match for Inspector Slade's sub-machine gun (de rigeur for all Scotland Yard Inspectors!) and scatter into the jungle. For the first time in the chronicles, we discover a not-so-impressive fact about our pal Bill...he's sold himself to the inspector as an experienced jungle tracker, BUT....

....um, wouldn't the ability to track someone through tangled underbrush be kind of a vital skill for a JUNGLE TRACKER?

Never mind, Bill, you're still our man. Besides, O'Toole is along to ferret out the Skull's hideout - and Bill is right behind to exhibit his real gift - FISTICUFFS!

As well as quick on-the-job problem solving!

Yeah! Take THAT, Savages!

With every foe defeated, THE SKULL faces the nightmare criminals everywhere - the terrible swift sword of the BRITISH JUDICIAL SYSTEM!

I hope, dear reader, that you haven't grown fond of O'Toole, Inspector Slade, OR The Skull - because none of them will ever appear again. Professor Kent, though - will he be able to reconcile his love of botany with Bill's itch for action? STAY TUNED!

Congo Chronicle 2: The Return of the Skull!

2008-08-31T19:34:00.010-04:00

In More Fun Comics #57 (July, 1940) we rejoin Congo Bill and Professor Kent on their river cruise, after they have beaten The Skull and made away with the priceless treasure from the lost city. And it makes for pretty hungry work, let me tell you! Er, at least...I think that's what Congo Bill means when he declares his intention to "dig up some fresh meat"....

Never one to shy away from trouble, Bill rescues a chimp from the clutches of a boa constrictor (which are native to Central and South America, not Africa, but facts never get in the way of a man-of-action like Congo Bill!) and the chimp returns the favor by saving Congo Bill from a hungry lioness by...um...biting it on the tail:

Bill rewards the chimp with an Irish name (a possible clue to Bill's own ethnic heritage...?) but - what's this - the Professor's in trouble?!?

Bill finds that Kent has been captured by the enemy they should have killed last issue - The Skull! Bill and O'Toole sneak aboard the captive boat, but Bill is overtaken by the fiendish Skull! Not to worry, for as often happens when Congo Bill's around.....

...the pair of hairy legs that come to Congo Bill's rescue, in case you were wondering, belong to O'Toole, not Professor Kent.

Spunky O'Toole secures the boat for Congo Bill and deposits The Skull on the shore, leaving open the thrilling possibility that he might make a third appearance next issue!

Congo Chronicle 1: Meet Congo Bill!

2008-08-31T16:21:00.006-04:00

Yes, boys and girls, you are witness to an internet first - a blow-by-blow indexing of the heroic exploits of that dashing daredevil of the Dark Continent, CONGO BILL!

Congo Bill (real name: unknown!), a "two-fisted globetrotter" who is half Indiana Jones, half MacGuyver, and all-MAN, has endured as a beloved character since his 1940 debut, and yet has not one single website devoted to his thrilling exploits. I plan to rectify that gross oversight, and along the way explore what made the man himself - a handsome, confident "confirmed bachelor" who had a penchant for associating with older bearded men and/or athletic loinclothed teenagers, isolating himself from normal society in pursuit of fame and excitement - tick!

Congo Bill first appeared in More Fun Comics #56 (June, 1940) sailing down an unnamed African river (The Congo?)with his older mustachioed male friend, Professor Kent (no relation, presumably, to milquetoast American newspaper reporter Clark Kent, himself the subject of several adventurous tales of the same period) seeking a rumored lost city.

The boat is attacked from the shore (sadly, killing the pair's native guide, "Toto" -one hopes this is his actual African name, and not derived from a famous fictional dog)

Bill and "Prof" (Bill's pet name for Kent) are overtaken by a native attacker, or as the omniscient narrator likes to say, "a huge black".

Bill and Kent are taken by the natives to the very lost city they had been seeking, where they meet the mastermind of the operation, that terrifying purveyor of evil, THE SKULL!

Wow, Skull, that's a lot of information for a panel!
And what's up with The Skull's face? Is that a mask? A deformity? It's one effed-up grill, whatever the cause.

The Skull apparently wants Kent to find the city's hidden treasure, but Kent refuses and he and Bill are locked up. Note Bill's concern about what might happen to the two of them - perhaps he's spent time in the pokey before? - and Kent's tender concern for his bachelor friend....

The pair find a secret passage leading from their cell directly to the treasure, defeat The Skull and his henchmen, "One-Eye" and "Slats", and escape with the loot back to their boat - but not before The Skull makes a spine-tingling promise:

Will The Skull deliver on his ominous threat? Will Congo Bill conquer his fear of lock-up? Will Professor Kent take the treasure to a museum, as he says he will, or keep it for himself and his young companion Congo Bill? STAY TUNED!