connect to lead

I HAVE GIFTS TO GIVE

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 16:38:00 +0000

givemore_purpleonwhite-declaration-digital.pdf Download this file

Patience

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 17:00:00 +0000

"It is only after we kindle the light in the words that we are able to behold the riches they contain. It is only after we arrive within a word that we become aware of the riches our own souls contain."

A.J. Heschel in Man's Quest for God

I am on my own quest to learn how to do this. My experiment so far...

I am taking the word PATIENCE and have started to light the word with the candle of my attention. When am I patient? When am I impatient? When do I give in to my impatience? What relationships help me cultivate patience? How am I patient with myself? When does that serve me?

I am learning that PATIENCE is indeed laden with riches. And there are links to other words. Permission. Allow. Need. Love.

I arrive within PATIENCE by giving it form and substance. By practicing patience with my full awareness. I notice an urge to get up for a snack. I wait. I feel no hunger. Only a growing awareness of wanting to be distracted. I allow the need for distraction to percolate. There are emotions bubbling up. There is fear there. There is longing. There is even laughter.

And so it goes. A slow dawning awareness of what is real and sacred within me

If this quote holds you in its hands and looks deeply into your eyes then please, tell me what you see?

Slow & Small

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:02:00 +0000

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I was part of a conversation with Peter Block yesterday with my system coaching colleagues from CRR Global. I was already a huge fan. I became a bigger one. He doesn't just walk his talk he lives and breathes it.

"The world is committed to speed and scale. But we go slow and small and are committed to relationship...we create sacred space in secular settings."

There were many more profound things spoken in this conversation. But these words lodged in my heart. It speaks to why I do what I do. And why it can feel like a struggle sometimes. In the part of the world I inhabit, the workplace is shaking from exhaustion and nervous energy. Human relationships are a means to an end. People are valued for what they produce. Meetings are a waste if they don't result in a result I can use to perform better.

In all my team coaching sessions, there is always a moment when humanity breaks through. When eyes lock or hearts are moved. Suddenly there is silence born of awe. It is so rare.

And it changes everything.

My Journals Are Trash

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:31:00 +0000

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"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"I threw out all my work journals from the past 6 years."

"ARE YOU FEELING OKAY? ARE YOU HAVING SOME KIND OF ATTACK?"

"I am feeling wonderful, thank you. Light headed and light hearted. Really."

--------

So began a conversation with YDKASHOTE [aka "You Don't Know Anything So Hold On To Everything".] I call her KASH for short. KASH was hyperventilating as she watched me flip through these journals and toss them in the trash. KASH wanted to make me feel small and kept pressing me to reread these journals so that I wouldn't forget what I needed to know. She watched me sadly as I started my coaching calls thinking that of course I would fail my clients because I hadn't read the journals!

I, on the other hand, was surprisingly calm. Oh I knew where she was coming from. She and I go back a long way. Probably to my high school days. And yet, as I turned the pages and read my notes, I became increasingly convinced that I had integrated what I needed to know and the rest was filler.

I was reminded of the word for "stuff" or material things in Hebrew: Chomer. [חומר] It is also the same root as the word for donkey: Chamor. A beast of burden. And that is what these journals had become for me. A burden.

Somewhere along the way, I had developed a mistaken idea. I thought the journals were a product, a necessary commodity for my professional development. Instead, what I now understand is that they were important for the process they enabled. They helped me clarify my thoughts, organize what I was learning. Slow down.

My journals are a pathway from where I am now to where I am going. Old journals are like outdated maps. They no longer serve to orient me.

I will continue to keep journals, as I will continue to forge new paths. And I will ease my burden along the way.

How do you use your journals?

PLAY

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 01:50:00 +0000

Seriously..

<p>Trailer - SERIOUSLY! The Future depends on play from Gwen Gordon on Vimeo.</p>

FLOW

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 23:26:00 +0000

Sometimes all you need is a small opening....

Is Advise a Vice?

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:13:00 +0000

ad·vice/ədˈvīs/

Noun:

Guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative.
Information; news.

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I had three recent experiences that sensitized me again to how cautious we need to be about advice.

On a team call whose purpose was to help resolve one member's dilemma, advice is given ("you really shouldn't....") and the response is defensive. ("yes but....)

You might think the only issue here is that the response was defensive since the call was designed to help the person with the dilemma. But what is helpful? I find that asking questions that help clarify the issues is far more effective in the long run than offering a solution. Even if it is a solution that comes from years of your experience. Even if it is a solution that is wise. It is not always going to be easy for me to hear it, let alone implement it. Powerful questions and examples of your own experience (minus the directive) can go a long way.

In a team coaching context teammates are acknowledging each other for commitments honored. (You are... and you should keep on..")

The feeling in the room was positive and appreciative. And as requested, the acknowledgements were specific. But what struck me is the way that second-person speech, "you are delegating more often now..." sounds like the speaker is standing in judgment from a few rungs up the ladder of accomplishment. Contrast that with speaking in the first person about the impact on me when you honored your commitment. ("I was able to accomplish so much more when I knew you were going to be accountable for your tasks."

A coach (yes-me!) gets overly passionate about a topic she knows a lot about and tells her client what he should do...

If you have worked with a coach, you might be sensitized to the fact that a coach doesn't usually tell her client what to do. This holds true for managers and leaders who want to coach with their employees, too. Usually I ask permission. I might tell a client I have some experience with a topic, and to let me know if and when s/he wants to me to share what I know. Anything else is a not only a self-management issue for the coach it is a power grab that takes attention away from the person trying to make sense of an issue for themselves. It builds dependency and undermines what we want- a professional who is building the problem solving muscle for themselves.

It [excellent advice] is a good deal like giving a child a dictionary to learn a language with —Henry James

I guess I was wrong...

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:51:00 +0000

I hired you and I am your boss.

I assume you have all the skills I attributed to you during the hiring process.

I assume you will watch me like a hawk and approach issues similarly.

I assume you will know what to do when a task falls within your purview.

I assume that you will deliver results in a timely fashion regardless of external circumstances or delays which emanate from my office.

I assume you will always be honest with me.

I assume that if you don't know something you will ask and you will learn.

I assume you care about making me and the team look good.

I assume that the stellar performance I expect of you is unrelated to my leadership or comunication style.

I assume you will accept changes I put into place and resist changes which I oppose.

I assume you do not need regular acknowledgement or mawkish expressions of appreciation.

oops...my bad.

I don't know.

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:35:00 +0000

I'm going to take a radical stance on this expression.

It is evil.

It is insidious.

It is passive agressive.

It is false.

(Except when it isn't. Of course there are things you don't know. Like where the black holes are and why they even matter. Wait, you know? Can you call me?)

I watched an interaction between a manager and her direct report. The employee was angry. He cut her off numerous times. He asked sarcastic questions. He attacked and blamed. And when he was asked, "What do you need?" He said...."I don't know".

I was incredulous. Really? What is that about? And where can this relationship go if the angry party can't ask for what he needs?

It drives my son crazy when I ask him a question about what he wants or what he needs and he says, "I don't know" and I respond, "Pretend you know. What would you say?"

It might drive you crazy too.

And yet, most of the time when we say, "I don't know" in response to a question about our own feelings or needs- we are lying. We do know. But we don't feel comfrotable saying it. Maybe it is hard even to admit to ourselves. Maybe we are worried about repercussions. Maybe we like the power that comes from witholding.

Are you struggling with this? Well you can call me too.

Promise leads to Partnership

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:09:00 +0000

A work team is in trouble. They are under a lot of pressure to "get it right". Getting it right in this case means, accuracy, efficiency and most difficult- getting the rest of the organization to change the way certain processes have always been done.

They don't agree on much. Trust has eroded. Competing priorities are wreaking havoc on results. And no one is very happy to come to work every morning.

My work with this team began by helping the group to articulate some agreement for how they will work together. They were asked to make a verbal committment to each other to honor these agreements.

At the end of our first session- they each looked each other in the eye to seal the agreement. It was both solemn and joyful. It was the moment when they turned a corner. They took their first steps toward repair.

It's Painstaking Work

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:57:00 +0000

Have you ever watched a programmer coding?

On a recent 6 hour flight I watched a woman coding a website. (At least, I think that is what she was doing.) She would type a few keystrokes into a window that had lines and lines of text, then check another window with what looked like a website and see the impact. Back and forth. Back and forth. For hours.

That is what programmers and designers do, right? Somehow we expect certain kinds of work to require patience and repetition and revision. Architects come to mind, and engineers. Accountants?

And yet when it comes to working with people- our peers, our bosses, our employees...we just want them to "get it". We don't want to repeat ourselves. We don't want to have to work through slow change efforts and revised approaches.

Who are we kidding? People are infinitely more complex than numbers and code. And far more unpredictable.

And far more valuable.

So keep in mind: Patience my dear friends, patience.

Are you "sort of" hedging?

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:24:00 +0000

I have just listened to the recordings of three calls I facilitated. I was mortified to discover that I use the expression, "sort of" almost as much as my teen-aged boys say, "like" or "so...yeah".

And then I noticed I wasn't the only one.

Now I hear it everywhere.

This phrase weakens what I am saying. It makes me sound tentative. And sort of weak...so yeah.

The definition is "to some extent". How is that for equivocating? Is it or isn't it What do you think? What do I think?

I could substitute the expression for the adverb: rather. "It is rather obnoxious, wouldn't you say?" It sounds more elegant- begs a British accent, in fact. But really, it is still paltering. (Now there is a word I have to use more!)

I am putting a stake in the ground for clear and confident speech. I will say what I think and what I feel. I will say it respectfully. I will say it transparently.

And I can be wrong. (Let's face it, I will be wrong a lot of the time.) I can apologize. I can take it back. I can re-think. I can be influenced by you.

Are you with me? Sort of?

Hard Truths

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:39:00 +0000

In the past month I have encountered a school, a healthcare company and a large non-profit all experiencing communication breakdown. By which I mean, people at all levels of the organization are not having direct conversations with each other. And when they are, they are being less than honest. They are talking about each other, not to each other.

“Can you believe s/he...”
“I am so frustrated with...”
“How could s/he have been promoted?”

They are seeking out managers and supervisors.

“You really need to do something about...”
“S/he is ruining the morale in...”

There are many reasons why this could be happening. Let me mention two. Your people might be thinking...

If I take my issue up with the person directly, I might have to change too. I might have to be part of the solution.
If I speak directly, I might face an angry response or even retaliation. We would find ourselves in conflict and things would get worse not better.
Can you hear the sense of defeat and the fear underlying these? There is also powerlessness and a lack of trust.

If you are a leader in your organization, noticing this same behavior, you probably already know that you can’t mandate it out of existence. Simply telling everyone to stop back channel conversations and work things out with each other directly is pretty useless. What you really need to do is tackle the underlying obstacles.

1. It goes without saying that the first place to look is in the mirror. What are you modeling? What are you afraid of? What do you need to learn how to do? Having trouble being honest with yourself? Get a coach!

2. You may need to help your people develop better communication and conflict resolution skills? First name the problem to your people. Come right out and say what you are seeing and why you feel it is tearing at the fabric of your organization. Then bring in some outside expertise to jump-start the process and continue to provide group opportunities to practice. Here are some resources to explore:

Fierceinc.: Susan Scott’s organization gives your people a no nonsense approach to developing the skills that build powerful organizations.
The Center for Non Violent Communication: A deeply respectful approach to communication. You can request a certified trainer to come to your organization.

3. Read Five Dysfunctions of a Team together. Use the self-assessment in the back of the book. Work through each level of the model beginning with trust.

There is no quick fix on this issue and there is no way around—only through. There will be discomfort and there will be growth. And when there is growth, there is a healthy organization.

PATCHWORK

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:37:00 +0000

: something composed of miscellaneous or incongruous parts :

I prefer the antonym. I am thinking of words like integrity, cohesion, blended.

I am looking at this beautiful art work of Cheryl Sorg's. (She inspires me --that is for another post.) I actually own a small piece of patchwork collage made by Cheryl that is hanging in my office. And right now PATCHWORK feels like a generative way of thinking about my life.

My career life's work, over time and in present day has been a juxtaposition of different roles, different contexts, different ways of contributing and collaborating.

Any given day is a patchwork of people, places and activities.

My brain is a patchwork of texts, melodies, new thoughts and memories.

My heart is a patchwork of emotions.

This is important to me because patchwork (as so beautifully illustrated by Cheryl Sorg) is thoughtful and coherent. There is reason and meaning.

Each element is important in its own right. And together it is a creation- in the divine sense of that word.

It is a thing of beauty.

Does the metaphor work for you? If not, what would you suggest?

FEAR.LESS

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 13:42:00 +0000

Dear Friends,

If you are not yet familiar with fearlessstories.com and the work of Ishita Gupta et al then this is a great time to learn. I have been following the creation and growth of this online magazine since its inception. Their content is powerful, and I never fail to learn something that has lasting value for my life.

Today I am proud to be featured on their site. The piece is based on an interview I did with Ishita Gupta last year. I talk very personally about fear, survival strategies that have lost their power for me and how the lessons I have learned as a coach sustain me through the tough times..

I hope you find it valuable. Please take a moment to leave a comment or reaction or even share your own story. And thank you too for sharing it widely in your own networks.

And don’t forget to peruse the archives. You will like what you find.

Hello Anger My Old Friend.

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 17:22:00 +0000

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I have been studying anger. My anger. Mine.

In the world of what it means to be Pearl, it has been highly inappropriate to be angry. My Border Patrol were so effective that the mechanism for catching and refusing entry to anger was practically automatic. This means, anger took a detour and turned into ‘something else’ before I could even recognize that I was angry.

By something else I mean- resentment, impatience, sadness, frustration, powerlessness… I reacted to anger without even knowing that was what I was doing. People felt the brunt of my anger

So my new practice is to open up the borders. No checkpoints. Anger gets to show up right my front door. And I open it and say, “Hi. What brings you here? How long are you staying? What do you need?”

The best part of this practice has been about ownership. Owning my anger. Owning the need that propels that anger. It is my anger. (This has been good news for the people in my life too-- believe me!)

And I am not my anger.

As I welcome her into my space, I see that she has a message for me. There is information in my anger. And she is not trying to take over. She will give me the time and space to read the message. I get to decide how to respond. She just wants to be acknowledged. Who knew—anger can be patient.

And she still shows up.

Oh yes, she does. And sometimes, my border police get antsy and head her off at the pass like in the old days. I clearly need to give them a new job.

s.l.o.w.i.n.g d.o.w.n

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:54:00 +0000

I have had some wonderful days recently.
Days filled with meaningful activity….

I have been privileged to talk with people I care about.

I have been included in conversations with people who care.

I have read some novels that kept me turning pages late into the night.

I have planned experiences for people to become more aware of what is happening to them in their workplace.

I am constructing opportunities for transformative change.

I have laughed with my family.

I have exercised my heart out.

I have walked outside in the brisk cold air.

I have kicked up the leaves with my shoes.

And I just realized something.

I have been moving too fast.

I am too busy.

It is now time for me to s.l.o.w d.o.w.n.

It is now time for me to breathe.

It is now time for me to return.

It is now time for me to connect with myself.

It is now time for presence.

waratte imasu ka? (Are you laughing?)

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 22:46:00 +0000

We missed the Warai festival in Japan on October 10th.

Legend has it that the deity of this shrine, Niutsuhime no Mikoto, overslept and was late for the conference of 8 million deities held in Izumo in Kanna-zuki (October). As she was deeply depressed, the villagers encouraged her by laughing.

It's never to late to laugh...

Will you join me?

The River of Your Life

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 11:14:00 +0000

Don't just peek at it...jump in and start navigating.

Lingering in the Longing

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 15:13:00 +0000

I think I have been making a study of longing.
Not intentionally- not at first.

For years I have been living in the longing for a life I intend to have in Israel. I experience it as a deep gash in my chest. A place opened up, raw ...impossible to stitch neatly back. The longing periodically goes into hiding when I have the chance to spend time in Israel. I come alive then in a new way. Like when my screen brightens as I plug the power source back in. And then the longing returns. It comes in waves. I actually feel a little off balance when it recedes even a bit. I depend on it. It defines me.

When my sister died last year, a new longing came to sit beside a more familiar one. I knew the longing for a BFF relationship with my sister. I wanted easy and 'oh by the way...' and 'oops- gotta go TTYL'. And then she was truly gone. And then longing became a roiling in my gut and a tingling in my brain. A hug remembered. Hopes dashed. Missed opportunities. I fed the longing by writing letters that would never be read. Dreams. Oh the dreams.

And now I set my intention on indulging in more time outside in nature. And more time engaged with texts that give my life meaning. And I watch. I see that these activities are not far from me. And my feet get stuck in the carpet. I don't move even as I feel the urge...the longing. I am literally standing still and I am getting to know a new longing. I welcome this one too. Not sure yet where it will lodge in my body. Not sure I want us to become too familiar.

What comes after the longing?

Waking up to YES

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 21:32:00 +0000

"I'm waked again to yes, waked to those hopes that are a pull forward, whatever it is that gets dawned upon us-some kind of betterment or remaking we come to believe in, what it might be that makes us try."

Old Border Road by Susan Froderberg

What are we protecting?

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 17:01:00 +0000

Too often

You are in your armour; I am in mine

We keep our distance or

We bang against each other

The reverberations painful

Our speech is muffled

We misunderstand

Sometimes

We look

each other in they eye

we are protected only by a thin film

of bubble

Hands reaching out

the bubbles burst.

Leaders Build Houses

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 09:52:00 +0000

Once upon a time Josh, a high performing manager in his organization, learned that he was to have a new boss, Pete. He made an effort to get to know him. Josh tried to bring him up to date on all aspects of his area of responsibility. He knew that ongoing communication would be important and asked for a regular meeting with Pete. When they did meet, Josh often felt that Pete was distracted; Josh frequently had to repeat information. Sometimes Pete used the meeting to talk through his own priorities. Josh tried to be a useful sounding board. Over time, Josh’s frustration grew. As his boss’ role grew and his sense of overwhelm increased Pete piled more on Josh’s plate. He never thanked or acknowledged Josh for the results he continued to achieve. Pete made many promises to Josh that he failed to follow through on. Josh would raise concerns and Pete responded by rebuffing these and talking about his own pressures. After a few years- Josh’s frustration leaked into his communication with Pete. Pete came to think he had a problem employee on his hands

John Gottman, PhD. may be best known for his decade’s long research on marriage relationships. He developed a theory called the Sound Relationship House Theory. It has become clear over time, however, that many of the principles which emerge out of Gottman’s research apply to all human relationships. In particular the first 3 elements of the sound relationship house seem critical to this story and to relationships in the workplace. I have taken the liberty of adapting Gottman’s language to fit an organization context:

Build and Maintain a Road Map: You might assume you already know what your employees world is like or feel you simply don’t need to know too much detail. And yet a foundation stone to your relationship is your interest in what s/he is doing. Do you know how s/he sees the goals? Do you understand the pressures at their level? Above and beyond accountability is a need for compassionate curiosity and understanding. Their world should be familiar to you—this comes with asking the right questions and listening.

Scan for Success and Express Appreciation: Pressure to deliver outstanding results usually means we are quick to notice what isn’t working. It requires discipline to take the time to notice that which we respect in our people. For this principle to function effectively it matters most that we thank and appreciate consistently. Don’t wait for the flash. Seek out the seemingly small but valuable ways in which your people are there for you and the organization on a daily basis.

Be Responsive: When people spend time together they make what Gottman calls, bids for connection. Sometimes the bids are overt as in asking a question, or making a comment. Sometimes they are more subtle, as in making eye contact or smiling as you both listen to a speaker. When we turn toward these bids by offering a response we are building relationship. When we ignore them or even turn against them by responding with a gruff annoyance we damage the relationship.

When you work on these 3 principles, you building a solid relationship house from the ground up. One that will be far better able to withstand the inevitable moments of conflict.

Have an opinion about this? Start a conversation with me and others right here...

Embracing Passion

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 23:14:00 +0000

I have always been a little skeptical about the word: PASSION. I always hear it as if it is written in capital letters. Can it be trusted? Do we find our passion? Discover it? Tap into it? And what is it anyway?

I just started a class with Lucid Living on this very topic.

Here is some of what I am chewing on...

We talked about 4 components of passion. I will share two of them:

1. Boundless Love.

It is the stuff about which you say, "OMG I LOVE this!!!!!"

2. Unbridled Enthusiasm

Those moments when you are moved to let out a yelp and push past any fears of embarrassment.

Think about the things you do that take you to this place. I think for me the list might include laughing with my closest friends and family, deep human connection when the veil drops and we surprise even ourselves. Singing or listening to my family singing. These moments, these activities, are not passion.

These are the portals into passion. As we grow and evolve the doorways change.

How often do I let these portals transport me to my passion?

How consciously do I take myself to the door and turn the knob?

I don't mind

noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 12:58:00 +0000

Note to self:

The next time I am inclined to answer with a mindless rendition of "I don't mind":

1. Take a deep breath

2. Ask myself, "What do I want?"

3. Make eye contact

4. Speak from my heart