I was in a health food shop today chatting with the owner and as many conversations go we ended up talking about relationships! He had recently, but reluctantly, split up from a 12 year relationship. His description of his ex and the power behind his words spelt out a very raw man still in pain.

Many of us try to rationalise and logically put the past in a neat little box labelled “oh well they weren’t right for me anyway” but in reality that person, even though others tell you are better off without them, made you feel alive and despite the troubles, was the one who held the promise of your healing and wholeness.

He then said something that struck me. He described how he had become someone he didn’t really feel good about when in the relationship and a friend had told him to remember the “him” before he met his ex.

So I got to thinking just how many of us morph and mould ourselves ever so subtly to be with an intimate other and how we gradually become someone we are not happy with, which irks and erodes our relationship eventually, while the underlying “us”ness insists on pushing through.

Do you resonate with this? I certainly do and oh boy I did it many times!

One of the common ailments among us girls is the sacrificing of friendships to be ever increasingly at our man’s beck and call, only to find when he dumps us (which often happens because we are not being true to ourselves!), that we have lost alot of our support network, once so precious.

But this is not exclusive to women. A mate of mine became alienated, begrudgingly from his college mates when he married his first wife, because she found subtle but powerful fault in nearly everyone of his friends over the years which made it difficult to see them. Today he really notices the lack of “man time” he has in his life. Thankfully his current girlfriend is all for him meeting new friends and so he’s back out there being the real him again.

Many people give up families, friends, hobbies and literally themselves to be with their partner, thinking it’s really ok when really it’s SO not!

We also take on their stuff and in a way become them as the relationship space blends. But the one with more emotional toxicity can control the direction and quality of the relationship. Control can be exerted in the form of explosive and tricky emotions or no words and lots of closing down. Both create the impetus in the other towards happiness even if vast compromise on authenticity occurs. But at some point balance WILL be addressed naturally. Your authenticity is essential and will push you to make changes to re-address any unhealthy balance. This may come in the form of more conflict, which is ever increasing sign to DO SOMETHING.

When does it start?

The timing of when we start to lose our sense of self in an unhealthy relationship, I feel, depends on the length of time it takes to fall in love.

I notice a distinct change in many once confident, outgoing people who literally become a gooey mess with their partner as they wake up one morning and realise they are in love. As well as the great things, we feel a sense of rising anxiety because our stuff wants to come up and we feel almost at the mercy of love. Are you saying yes to this?

I had a 3 month “pre collapse” timeline. I was this amazing, sassy thing with a great career, lots of good friends and just a vibrant sense of “me”ness, until I fell in love. Then pow! Overnight, I was insecure, reactionary and worried about whether this or that signal from my man meant that he still loved me. I dated some shallow guys. Ones who thought waxing this or shaving that, was best. I dyed my hair to match my man’s one time and yes I even considered plastic surgery to look younger for the young thing I was dating, after only 6 months!

Why do we lose sight of who we are?

1)  Loss of Love – In my own experience and in observation, when we fall head over heels, we feel the vulnerability of being in love and we kind of lose ourselves in the Universal fear of loss of love and will do almost anything to keep from feeling it. In fact I think this is the primary driver on the whole, but what we fear we ultimately create!

2)  Believing the other person to be perfect – Being in love can bring about the madness of thinking the other person is better than us and what they say goes. People are clever. When we want something we can use very clever relating tactics to rationalise why things “should” be a certain way. Mark Twain made the point that we are all selfish creatures with “me” being number one always and all actions are for personal good feeling, no matter how much we might shout “No, not me guv!”

What Can You Do?

1)  Listen to people around you – the truth of where you are is most often reflected in those that care about you. My dear mum has always been such a truth sayer in my relationship life. She would, annoyingly, always tell me, what I knew to be deep down not right with “current man.” Acknowledge others views (with gentle caution) and see if there is a distinct opinion. You know if they are right because they merely reflect what we already know. Your choice in how long you leave taking action on getting back to you.

2)  Sit with yourself – if something just doesn’t feel right deep down. Don’t ignore it. Find the time to fully explore what feelings are coming up. The urge inside to say “no that’s not me and that doesn’t feel good” NEVER goes away. Head ruling will muller you eventually.

3)  Remember who you were before – think of you when you were happy and content with your life. What was happening then and how did you feel? Freedom is the greatest elixir in being who we are. It is an essential ingredient in healthy conscious relationships.

4)  Have the “I feel….” “I need….” chat – call a conversation with your beau and explain how you feel and what you need to achieve to get back to being who you are. Get them to reminisce about the time you met and how good you felt. You may find your honey missing those bits of you too!

5)  Take some time out of the relationship – this is tricky but can work wonders. Needing space from your honey can really rock the boat, but being away from them for a couple of weeks will help you land into yourself. Don’t threaten the end. This is time out not game over! Do this only if you feel totally owned/controlled by your partner. Set the boundary with them. Be firm. Have that conversation and be kind with your words.

However you choose to approach your relationship to attempt to get back your true self, remember that the purpose of your life is to be who you are and share in the celebration of that every day with someone who really wants that for you too!

Love and blessings

Hedy Schleifer, a genius in the world of helping intimate relationships thrive, talks about each person being an “island.” This analogy works really well with clients, who say that thinking of themselves an island work really well when it comes to knowing how to understand themselves and their honey better.

Hedy says, for us to communicate effectively, we need to visit each other’s island, not shout from our island expecting the other person to have the same view. Or indeed make their island the same as ours, so we can be happy!

Our beliefs, perspectives and inner landscape is unique and as many have said before, another person is built on beliefs and perspectives of how we choose to view them. Any wonder then, that relating is so tricky when we view life through a huge amount of filters rather like different coloured lenses inside a kaleidoscope.

Your island, which is who you are right now, has boundaries (hopefully intact!), it’s own thoughts, feelings, happy places and more tricky ones. It is hopefully full of love and happiness most of the time but maybe has one or two less than palatable areas which could do with cleaning out every now and then! We are all and always will be, work in progress.

Being who you are will always be about the highs and lows and ebbs and flows because the nature of life is impermanent. Being part of the Universe and on a planet within a solar system, we can never be separate from, or on an island independent of others, but in our co-existence we have to do our part in communicating more healthily and not shoot from the hip with any old words to help us get by. That’s fast becoming out- dated. It’s head not heart lead and has caused world wars in the past.

Island to island communicating must be an unfolding art in your life and one you can choose to practise every day. It is absolutely possible to be who you are through expressing healthily in a way that is heard and felt by others.

Here’s 3 useful ways you can communicate with your beloved and others to achieve a good feeling outcome.

1) Give it space and time - Assuming you are discussing something important for a moment, to what extent do you fill the conversation with a whole heap of words? Many people’s relationships hit troubled waters despite them complaining that they “talk for hours.” This is often a symptom of talking “at” rather than talking “with” their partner and trying to get their needs met first. Transmitting into the relationship rather than a healthy dance of transmitting and receiving is eventually erosive, if left to carry on.

a. Stay completely silent and LISTEN if they are talking. Be the first to adopt this way and encourage your partner to offer you the same. You will be surprised how much more can be said and allowed with time

b. Give words the space to land into you so you can fully receive them and vice versa. More space and time, makes for a deeper and more satisfying connection because you are both honouring each other’s right to speak and be heard.

2) Come from the heart as much as you can – When you are giving your view on issues or a certain situation, as much as you can say “I feel….” rather than “ I think…” feeling is heart, thinking is head. What you feel is your business and it’s actually your feelings about an issue that help you to “feel felt” by another. There is a kind of detachment in making thoughts logical. True connection comes in the feeling place every time and is delicate.

3) What others do or say is not for you to change – This one is definitely “work in progress” for us all and one we can aim for in every conversation, but don’t beat yourself up if it goes Pete Tong from time to time!  

Others have perfect right to do or say whatever they like, but we can, using the comments above, learn to respond effectively. You are wasting your time if you retaliate with words that blame and judge.

Couples use alot of time and energy on their partners islands telling them that they “shouldn’t” or “should” have which is rife with expectation. Learn to say:

“Honey, when you said/did that I felt…….” Not “You always do that to annoy me” or “Why do you insist on doing/saying that?” The latter merely puts you, them and the relationship into resistance. Defences build and things get a whole lot harder.

Relating is much more simple that we give credit but we do complicate matters by either, as I have said, reacting or just not saying, because we fear the response or the outcome.

In the future when you communicate, honour yourself and stay on your island but be willing to visit other islands, for they are rich in diversity and contrast which makes life inspiring, healing and is ultimately necessary for your growth.

Namaste

Happy 2012 friends and conscious relationship fans! Are you ready for this pivotal year? So much has been written and predicted about this year. Did you run into 1st Jan shouting “bring it on!”, or did you tip toe in, wondering what the heck is going to happen this year?

I am a mixture of both, with fingers crossed up my back that we all have the best year we could hope for, because that’s what has been promised in some texts. We have been digging the spiritual tunnel for years and now we’ve done all the hard work and prep we “should” be starting to ride the wave of abundance this year….right!?

So what’s happening in your love life right now?

If you are deliriously happy either single, dating or married then you probably won’t feel compelled to read any further.

If you aren’t, then here are a few movie scenes your love life may be following that make you feel like shouting “cut!”

1) You are a 40 something single gal or guy and feel that love is starting to pass you by because a. Girls, the body clock maybe literally be screaming by now and is propelling you, like supermarket sweep, around various drinking establishments with a “man” trolley and in the vain hopes of bagging that special baby making machine. b. Guys you have not discussed it with your mates, because it’s not on the Friday night agenda, but find yourself shedding a forbidden tear at the latest chick flick over your takeaway. You chat endlessly over dinners with friends about love and finding someone and analyse about “should I have done that much partying?” or “should I have travelled for that long?” because I am 40+ and still on my own.

2) You may be in a relationship that has all the hallmarks of “not going anywhere”, because you have been round the conflict ferris wheel too many times and things are just not changing. You want to spend more and more time away from the house and randomly find yourself at an 8 week tiddly wink course at the local FE college because that’s more fun!

3) You may have young children and are finding your relationship less and less connected and pleasurable because you are ploughing all your energy and efforts into parenting and never seem to have the drive to find qt (quality time) because sleep deprivation is your number one relationship achilles heel.

4) You are in a relationship that is abusive and controlling and have been experiencing pain and emotional upheaval for too long now but don’t quite know what to do, so you rode it out through Christmas. The nagging doubts and friends advice is calling you to action.

5) You are single. Your last relationship was tough and emotional and took a long time to resolve and move on from in your mind and heart. You want to love but are scared to.

6) You are single, you want to be with someone. Dating sites next for me, is your January mantra!

I am sure there are more of you out there with other things going on but you get the picture. So you are where you are, but conscious love evades your life.

Well, first off it starts with a game of choices. Change things or not. It’s up to you. People will observe you in love and give advice when they think you want it but the point of change is finite and unique. My beloved is a therapist and will ask his clients “have you suffered enough?” A great question to initiate the choice to change, but we do suffer until we don’t want to any more. That seems to be the way people are.

2012 is your love year and you want it to be different. You make a choice to say a huge YES to changing the way things are, but then what?

Here’s my take on some things you could look at, in order to proceed with whatever situation and resolution you decide to put into action.

1) He/she won’t change. If you are in a relationship make sure your resolution doesn’t rely on expecting your honey to change. You can only change yourself. Oldie but a goodie. If your partner is abusive you can choose to walk away or try and find a way of communicating your boundaries and desires. Telling them they need to “see someone” or pushing them to sort themselves out is their business as Byron Katie would say.

2) Spiritual / self development work. If you are a self developer, have sought some form of therapy over the years or have done a shed load of workshops, good for you! I believe all the self help stuff is great as long as you don’t just wear the “done that” badge, but embrace fully what you have learned. Know that all that stuff doesn’t make relationships chug along smoothly towards happily ever after. Self development and spirituality don’t equal perfect intimate relationships even if both of you are “tooled” up from seminars etc. I have observed lots of people in the last year who assume that self healing means “job done” in their relationship. Sadly it is not the case. The conditions for healing and growth from childhood into full mature adulthood can only be done with two and must be consciously entered into by both people.

3) Self awareness is crucial. Unless you know and own what is coming from you and accept what you are doing to create your part in your reality then you can’t see what and where to change. Obvious really. Then leading on from this, you must take responsibility for yourself and your actions if you are going to change the way your relationships operate.

4) Be discerning. If you are single and want the “real deal” conscious relationship and are starting to venture out there into the relationship sweet shop then find a chunk of discernment…..pleaseeeee! Hold back if you meet someone new and find out about them. If, like me, you are the type of person who falls in lust easily and are physically motivated, fine. You will, however, do that thing so many times before you need to look at it and be more discerning. What do you really want? Don’t bargain for love. Offering sex to get love, for example, is not gonna cut it ladies. Trust me I have been there. Go out, meet people, but know and speak of the things you want. It is not a game of “please love me I’ll do whatever it takes”. It is “this is who I am and these are the things that feel good for me in a relationship”. Many people, I was one of them, jump blindly in and get hurt because all the ingredients that make up what they want in a partner are sadly lacking because in essence they are desperate to be loved. Open your eyes early on! 

I know this might sound like Mother Hen talk but, people!…..we can usually see within the first few dates, the full picture of someone new with their baggage and life situations. Sadly we choose to ignore the obvious stuff and then complain later on when they don’t match up to what we want, when they never fulfilled our relationship “must have’s” in the first place.

5 ) Self truth. Own up to your own truth. Do it right now……what is the truth about your love life? Many people say they are “ok” single or in a dysfunctional relationship, but aren’t. Kidding others may be acceptable but kidding yourself is ultimately depriving you only. If you are putting up with a relationship that is unhealthy but you feel you should stay for the sake of their feelings or are scared of them, then ask yourself this. If God said “you have a week to live, I want you to go get what I always wanted for you, happiness and joy”, would you stay in that relationship as it is or make changes in a second? Live like everyday happiness is your birthright. Do what feels good for you and within your own integrity. As you gradually become more truthful with you and others, life has more meaning and happiness appears as if by magic.

6) Relationship Education. If your love goal is about finding out more about what you are doing to create your love dilemmas, good for you! We are taught about sex ed in school but not how to have a relationship, from which it results. Madness! I am all about education and knowledge every time now. You wouldn’t drive a car with knowing how to right? Relationship dynamics are fascinating.

3 years ago I discovered than even after 25 years of being in one relationship or another, I had no real idea what was going on and why, for example, I was attracting the men I was. Go on courses, read books about relationships, get the knowledge. This is my life work. Get in touch to see how Conscious Union can help you. You can choose from, books, calls, 1:1s and more. You don’t have to spend 25 years blindly trying to work it out like I did!

7) Communication. Your goal may be to try and talk things out with your honey if the scene is less than rosy right now. Being in a relationship is a never ending process of flexibility and movement on a daily basis. It’s all movement of energy. You work together to make a better world and create your part in the global love jigsaw, but things change so quickly , get tough and stagnate sometimes overnight, if this constant state of relational movement is not kept going.

Nearly every relationship that fails, does so because of disconnection and failure to hear and understand each other’s needs and desires. From childhood we learn a bag of communication tools which in adulthood we deploy to get through life, because that’s all we know. Divinely, men and women rock up together with complimentary opposite ways of communicating. All well and good, but when the conflict hits which can last donkeys years, learning a new way is essential before it’s too late.

For me, it’s all in the words and body language you use that either makes a success of or mullers you in relationships. I teach healthy ways to language your relationship and teach a dialogue technique that firstly creates a platform of safety for you both to fully express, then sets the scene for reconnection and lastly helps you enjoy really hearing and getting what each other is really trying to say.

We all want our relationships to last so we must own our part in making the changes. Get in touch if you would love to learn this valuable way to re-communicate your love.

Well I could go on for hours more, but I feel a gentle closure coming. So my friends, whatever your 2012 love goals, I wish you well.

Simply setting the intent to have the love you so deserve will set the energy shifting and moving in the right direction. The Law of Attraction is ever at play. Be brave, grab courage by the throat and know that only your good is trying to happen every day of your life. It is a choice to let it in or keep it out.

Blessings and love for a wonderful January!

Have you noticed as Christmas approaches a certain energy descends on us? Like a mist it silently drifts into our minds and hearts urging us to, connect deeper and appreciate those we love more or act on things we don’t like in our lives, or reflect on times gone by with those who are not around us any more.

Each year as the decorations go on sale, the weather gets colder and the days shorter, I notice people acting slightly differently including myself, almost in response to a mysterious force that moves through us.

I call it an energy because it’s not touchable but “feelable.” How do you feel as Christmas approaches? Is it a time of happiness and joy or not?

Christmas energy kicks in for me around early December as the Christmas lights start to appear in and around people’s houses and TV ads for the latest gadgets and pressies entice us to get our credit cards out.

It feels like a love energy that searches out all the feelings in conflict with it, pushing them to the edges of our unconscious mind, so our conscious mind recognises them in all their good or bad glory.

Christmas, depending on your experiences from the past, can bring up all sorts of feelings from the “fab can’t wait to decorate the tree and shop” to “arghhhhh, not another Christmas!”

Some people switch onto autopilot “I must write cards, I must buy presents, I must make that Christmas cake” and just do “what’s right” with little or no real joy because deep down it feels like a chore and “it’s for the kids anyway.”

Some people totally love the whole Christmas experience and sail through with a huge smile and crooked cracker hat dangling from their wine glass. Big respect to those who maintain the true essence of enjoyment of this festive time!

I am a some and some Christmaser. I love Christmas trees and lights but most of all, feeling connected to those I love. I am a real foodie and love Christmas dinner and chatting around the dinner table. I loathe shopping among stressed out people, spending ages in the car park queues and Christmas card writing is not a fave either.

Christmas is totally relational. It’s about being with people who mean the world to us. It’s a heart centred time. It shines a light on each and every relationship, present or past, bringing to our awareness, probably more than any other time of year, the quality of our relational world and attitude to love.

We are still in times of huge and furiously fast transition. Like it or lump it, the truth of how we relate to love is being shown to us every day and no time more apparent than Christmas.

What doesn’t feel right in our relationships, can’t be ignored anymore as we are facing old and deep internal rubbish that is manifesting as un-ignorable health and other challenges.

Sadly love is still angst ridden, certainly in intimate relationships, as we strive to get over our fear of the apparent loss of love. It’s a human miasm of the mind and one that is very much work in progress among us all.

Problematic relationships can blow a fuse during the festive season. Statistically it’s the greatest time of the year to fall in love or lose love, as the energy drives to the surface any emotional scum in the way of the purity of love.

Christmas movies are packed with happily ever after stories to stir the heart from it’s slumber. People who are still grieving from a lost relationship or one that is limping along will often have more bad days as the Christmas snowball gathers pace. Not surprising if being single is a scary or hopeless place to be.

An invitation to pep up any ailing relationships this Yuletide 

Whatever your view of Christmas let it show you the way to greater love this year, perhaps with those relationships that could do with a little more of you.

1) If one or two of your relationships need an extra dollop of love this year, go give it. Don’t stop to think “why should I make the first move?” You will be surprised how a little love without any condition or irrational thought can create a new path probably much easier than you could have imagined.

2) Forgiveness – wherever you are at with anyone right now, forgive. It’s not about forgetting but draining any toxicity from your emotional life with an olive branch called forgiveness. It’s power is immense and number one, YOU will feel better. You are a loving being, don’t stifle your own loving heart with grudges and stories about who is right or wrong.

3) Go and have a conversation with anyone where things have gone wrong this year. A colleague, a friend, a family member. If there is anyone who you feel needs a chat. Be brave and courageous, call them up and invite them for a Christmas coffee. If you are nervous of how to approach them then give me a call. I can help you find the right words to relate in a healthier way.

So my conscious relationship pioneers, I wish you a love filled Christmas right to the brim! Enjoy relating and being in the energy of this wonderful time and let’s look ahead to 2012 with an open heart and a willingness to go with the flow whatever it may bring.

Huge love and blessings

Do we get more mellow as we age making our relationships easier without the need for trips to Relate or more years of self introspection or does the amount of experiences we have mellow our view towards each other?

As much as I loathe to talk numbers, I am 46 next birthday and notice over the years how much life has changed and grown into a really amazing place, quite naturally on some levels just because I have got older.

I am very happy and settled with Joel, my conscious partner in life. We have a beautiful home on a quiet hill in Surrey, UK. I do what I love for a living and work from home and can coffee at Costa whenever I like. I love being around my good friends and having dinners and a glass of wine locally and I love spending quality time with my mum and dog who live nearby. It’s a slower life but way more satisfying on SO many levels.

Way gone (generally) are the days of 5am finishes after a night out, train thundering hangovers and feeling crap when the man I was dating did something I didn’t like.

I feel so content now, to look back and reminisce with my BF Jules over a glass or two. It’s such a rich experience to reflect fondly and crack up laughing at some of things we have done.

I have done so much partying, seeing the world, careering, dating, getting to know the real me and then spending years self developing through a journey of healing modalities, yoga and topping it off nicely with life changing relationship AHAs! So I guess in my inner contentment, I am automatically more content to be with Joel and just be.

I have a heap more things I want to do in life, none more than REALLY getting out there in the relationship arena, so I am not doing a rocking chair reflection just yet, but in this article I want to say one or two things from experience about age and relationships.

 Ageing, as many people have said to me over the years, really lies in the body not in the mind so I rather think that relationships, in the main, are better as we get older for these reasons:

1)  We have “been there, seen it, done it, and now can’t be arsed” about those things that used to bother us. We can’t be bothered to get upset about things and be picky about stuff as we realise it just doesn’t matter really!

2) Ageing bodies are at play and the thoughts that life is too short pull us into a reality check so we don’t find the passion to sweat the small stuff anymore.

3) We become easier in our own skin because life has taught us alot and the many layers of experience bring wisdom and the natural ability to become choosey about what not to get involved in because in the past we know where those choices lead us.

4) Our many relationship experiences have healed past “wounds” and so things just don’t fire the negative reactions like they used to (that’s me!).

When I observe people as I love to do over a latte in Costa, many older people in relationships just seem happier. Now that could be for a plethora of reasons, like one is just putting up with the other and has sunk into the potting shed mentality for the sake of compromise. But maybe we feel more companionable towards each other because our reasons for couple hood change into a cruise rather than a high speed chase.

Whatever the reason, I have to say I love this time of my life and echo the following words with relish.

“Growing old is a mandatory process. For women, for a period of time, we might even resist ageing as we try our hardest to fight off wrinkles and hang on to the physical beauty of our faces. Yet, getting old is a natural process where things are slowing down, and you’ll begin to see that the sparkle in your heart and the twinkle in your eyes make you beautiful in a way that’s not achievable in youth.”

Blessings & Love

When you think of the word survival what picture comes to mind? Mine looks like a lone battle against something that brings me pain, where I am just existing and managing to get by each day and I am certainly far from happiness and peace. 

In relationships (and the clue is in the word!), relating through words and body language is our only means of staying connected to our tribe, community and indeed those close to us. We have to be able to relate to belong and feel felt by others. 

The problem, particularly in our love relationships, is that many of us in our delicate inner world fear loss of love from our honey so we constantly patrol the boundary around our heart with behaviours that don’t feel good to us or others, when we are upset, in the name of protection.

Imago Relationships International calls our reactive, protective and defensive behaviours our Survival Strategy and between couples it can easily be termed a survival dance as they try to stay safe in the bad times.

Many couples I work with arrive for the first session sat at opposite ends of the couch and a frosty energetic wall as high as the sky, lies between them. Their survival behaviours have created emotional trench warfare and ain’t neither of them budging until the other one makes the effort to go it alone on the long road back to connection and love.

The number one outcome of a relationship survival strategy? Loneliness for both people. It’s a stuck and often really uncomfortable place because you know your behaviour and theirs is less than perfect and the outcome is not connected. It’s isolating and scary. 

How does a survival strategy show up?

To define what I mean by a survival strategy first off; it’s any reactive behaviour that initiates words or body language that is defensive, blocking or attacking to your honey in order to make yourself feel better.

Often when we get upset we have no idea where the real tender issue lies but it’s often in some deeply ingrained limiting belief such as “I’m not loveable enough” or “I can’t be myself with anyone.” 

We tend to habitualise that it’s our partners fault for doing or saying something that pains us but EVERY time it is only about 10% of what is happening in the moment and 90% about the past experiences that have harmed or hurt us.

Survival mode starts with the sensation in your body. Where in your body do you feel it when something goes wrong in your relationship? Mine was often a gut wrenching feeling, usually out of fear that the relationship would end after every row and sometimes I would feel physically sick.

In response to the inner sting, the perceived threat puts into action our need to survive this or that row/spat, at our fundamental core. Words and behaviours often rocket to the surface with eruptive force and before we know it we have deployed our defensive behaviour.

What style does a reactive strategy look like? 

1) Tit for tatting and not dealing with what’s happening in you or them first and batting off any perceived criticism.

2) Shutting down by heading for the door or just not responding and going quiet.

3) Blocking out bad experiences so you don’t feel them and pretending everything is fine when it’s not.

4) Clinging and being needy. Trying to drag your partner into a deep conversation when they are not ready.

5) Use of extreme behaviour such as physical attacks and violent words, with an intent to control your partner.

Survival strategies are normally pattern driven. 

My old survival strategy

To help you understand the pattern of your push pull survival, here’s how mine played out.

I would hear or see something that I didn’t like in a previous relationship and I would immediately feel a sense of dread arise from the pit of my stomach. I would react by going quiet for a while and being less available on the phone to let them know something was up. The response from them would be either to try and find out what was wrong or not. 

My two reactions: 

1) Pull - If they backed off I would tell myself the story that they didn’t care, which would flick a tender place in me that said, “men won’t ever love you.” I would eventually get more afraid that they weren’t going to bother contacting me ever again and so I would send a text to initiate some response. My text would often be threatening the end of the relationship, depending on the severity of my inner angst. I was afraid they would think me odd or mad for getting upset and so I would hope to gain control by controlling the outcome so I wasn’t dumped. Doh!

2) Push - If they came to try and find out what was wrong, I would not give in easily but rather let them fall all over me with gestures and words before my defence would come down and even then a few days would pass before I let them think everything was “normal” again. 

Does any of this sound familiar? It feels like utter inner madness but I know all too well, trying to curb or stop the ingrained behaviours of survival is no easy task.

Looking back down your love relationship road I am sure you know exactly how your survival strategy operates. You learned it in childhood quite rightly to self preserve when you felt unsafe. You had to survive in parental energy until you left home and that wasn’t always easy for alot of my clients.

It’s hard to say how and where in our lifetime we have had impactful and significant experiences that make us flip into survival mode but the “old brain” or brain stem is the place where the reaction to “flight or fight” comes from. 

The brain stem’s number one aim is to keep us safe and therefore we are just responding to it. All well and good but over reactive brain stems can be a nuisance in later life in our relationships. 

Where does your relationship live?

If you are in a relationship now or if you can recall a recent one, how much of it is/was spent defending, protecting and reacting? 

The sad thing is survival behaviour can go on for months or even years and I come back to my main point every time. If you have children what example of love are you giving them?

The conscious relationship as a healer

I am a total convert to the fact that relationships are a ripe bed for healing from the past. I have said it many times in previous blogs because it feels true certainly for Joel and I. 

Changing old ways takes courage and whole lot of self control and a willingness to find another way. Don’t wait for your partner to make the changes because that’s an outdated way to behave as we head into a new conscious world. It’s down to you!

You - First of all, stop and feel it first. When your honey says or does something that you feel in your body, get curious and find out where it lies. Breathe, take some time out and give it space and before you actually say what’s happening inside of you.

Notice that you feel like reacting and instead feel it fully in a place that you feel safe like in your room, out for a walk. Honour yourself by not reacting until you have calmed down. Only then will you be in a better space to talk about what you feel. Explore what you are feeling WITH your partner. 

I have many previous blogs on communication to assist you in how you approach communication during tricky patches, but always try and stay open to what is happening in you. In your openness you let you partner into this emotionally walled garden and with them you can start to work in togetherness to release you from the chains that have created your survival strategy.

Your relationship will be able to expand to new heights. I promise you! Trust doesn’t come over night but opening into this global human miasm of the fear of loss of love will render it less and less powerful.

Your partner - If your beloved kicks off with reactive behaviour first, stop, take a step back and notice that whatever you said or did has kicked them into survival mode. We all know when our honey is peed off right? We feel it and sense it right away, even in silence.

Try not to judge or even utter a word of response because chances are they not in a place to be able to respond effectively. Give them space or asking “What do you need from me honey?” can be very effective. See my last blog on this very question.

Knowing your partner is about to deploy his or her survival behaviour is your indicator to stay present and open and NOT to be dragged into their reactions. Some people complain “Woah, what did I say or do just then?” because in their world they can’t see why such an impact is happening in their partner. This is pretty common but try not to look surprised because each person’s inner world is exquisitely unique and we must honour that difference, not criticise the hell out of it! Allow your honey to own their stuff but gently and with the offer of exploring the “whys” when they are ready.

So my little conscious relationship enthusiasts, that’s enough for today. Always know that I’m here if you want some help with languaging your relationship better or even if you just want to make sense of a current situation. The love you want to experience is only a choice away.

Blessings and love

Have you ever been asked this question by a partner, past or current when you were feeling upset about something? And did you know what you needed in the moment?

I am noticing lately “what do you need from me?” is carrying more and more significance in my work with couples. It appears to be the principal healer and brain “re-wirer” from the past to a present and future that is more wholesome, fulfilled and connected.

Learning to re-language relationships is fast becoming the essence of my work with couples and what I believe is the practical key to transforming relationships from conventional to conscious. 

This question in its very nature says “I hear you, you are important to me and you have a place in this world.”

The story of us all, our personality constructs and the essence of who we have become starts from day zero with our primary influence being our parents/caregivers, who often think they know what’s best for us, but often don’t take the time to attune properly and consistently and ask US what we need. 

As children we believe that mum and dad, despite their packaging are our best and most perfect examples of what grownups should be, so we accept whatever they think we need.

As mentioned in previous blogs on couple communication, our conflict style develops from what makes us feel safe around our parents. We will either retreat or cling and become needy in varying degrees in response to perceived threats to our physical or emotional safety. 

In intimate relationships we seem to pitch up together with perfectly opposite conflict styles in order to, as Esther Hicks would say, experience the contrast of life. But instead of appreciate the “otherness”, we often criticise. In general women frequently complain that they do all the work to keep the relationship together and “he won’t talk” and “he doesn’t care.” When really it’s just a response by the brain stem or “old brain” to keep us safe from a perceived threat and so one wants to talk to feel safe and the other person feels better mulling it over in the privacy of their own world.

Ok so we know that and if we become curious enough together we learn that conflict is a gift and directional indicator to what we need to look at within. 

Relating consciously rather than conventionally means being able to manage your own feelings, words and actions when you get upset and being able to authentically express yourself to your honey, without making your pain their “fault”. However, we need a bridge or connector to help us really GET feeling connected. 

But here’s where I want to focus you attention. I have said many times that we are together in intimacy to fire the healing process from the past (and we ALL are looking for healing, even though you many not express it that way!) but the key to “feeling felt” is in the receiving of what you need. In other words you get your needs met which in simple terms boils down to feeling, better, safer, more approved of and more loved. Simple but powerful.

Joel and I call our more difficult moments our “stinky” moments! We hit stinky moments often at different times and I remember when he first said to me “honey what do you need from me?” when I was at a loss to feel better about something that was going on at the time. It felt like a revelation and what I thought was funny now, when I look back, was that I didn’t actually know! But being asked felt like he was offering me a life line out of the pain I was in. He felt me and wanted to help. 

We use this question often in our relationship and what we notice is that it’s not each other’s job to know what the other person needs. It’s a way of showing up saying “hey I see you are feeling blue or in pain, how can I help?” It’s awesome and so bonding.

I recently worked with a couple where the wife asked her hubby the question, whereupon he with a look of great surprise he said “well, I actually have no idea!” and they both laughed out loud for the first time in the whole 6 sessions they had been coming. An important connecting moment.

I wonder then that for many of us, there is a long one way street where, being given what others think we need as kids, doesn’t cut it inside and we are left for donkeys years unable to fully express or feel we are not worthy of having our inner needs fully satisfied. 

Just as a matter of point, I am not talking about asking for food or a glass of water or even material things because they don’t fulfil the soft underbelly of our deepest wishes and hopes for true connection. 

Try it!

I believe anything we intellectualise only becomes real when we experience it for ourselves, so, when you next find yourself in a tricky conflab with your honey or anyone for that matter and you see them suffering over a particular situation, ask them (and with inviting and soft body language too!) “What is it you need from me right now?” Obviously body language is key too. Saying it with a grimace and a harsh tone won’t help the other person feel felt!

I would say here that if you are the one being asked, then be mindful not to take it as a way to further irritate your partner by saying “I’d like you swim the deepest ocean and climb the highest mountain and only THEN will I feel happier!” NOooooooo! In asking, your partner is vulnerable and open to being present with you. You may feel a hug, or just being listened to, is enough. You will know, every time and you can be reached here. It’s an opportunity to let love in so take it.

If you are asking the question to your beloved, try to remove your temptation to suggest something they may need, otherwise you just adopt parent style and lord knows that’s old and ingrained. 

Being fully with your partner on their “island” (i.e. with them with 100% of your focus) when the winds of inner trouble are blowing requires you to hold a still and calm space. Listen to the answer and where possible step into fulfilling the need that is being asked of you. It’s often simple and requires you to show up with a bundle of love and words. Discuss what it feels like to ask and be asked and to show up giving what is required.

Exploration with relating is a wonderful way to discover the rich depths of your relationships. In the unfolding story of us, Joel and I wanted to share this with you because we know it works and we hope it will be of great benefit to you in hugely rewarding ways.

Healthy relating is a way to strengthen your mind in the knowing that you are amazing and beautifully unique in this world. In order to survive and thrive in connection you each have perfectly designed needs to keep you feeling connected. It’s OK to ask!

Happy practising!

Love and Blessings

What does freedom in a relationship mean to you? And what does giving freedom to your partner feel like? 

The second question pushes some of my buttons because I desire for Joel to be ultimately free to be himself and ‘separately connected’ to me (in Imago language), but it also brings up fears around “but if I allow him be that free, what if he leaves me eventually?” Do you recognise this feeling?

We all want freedom but, in truth, don’t want to allow our partners the same freedom, even if we intend it. We want to set the scene in the relationship around what is acceptable to us and not. Eek! As I write this I know I have done this and look for places that perhaps I still do!

Ask yourself. “Am I free?” and “Is my partner free to be with me?” Critical questions on the road to nurturing the right relationship.

I often see couples battling their relationship out on my couch but watch the battle of ownership too. Think of our ownership labels “My wife.. my boyfriend.” Not alot we can do to change that but the words are loaded with actions of ownership in the process. No-one is yours. We journey with people that’s all.

The paradox is, we are not in control of anything, ever and certainly not of someone else. Best get that one embedded right now.

A shock, but life, the Universe, God (whatever!) is our puppeteer and we are divinely guided in every moment. If your time with someone is meant to end, it will in whatever way it is designed to happen. I believe that inherently we know this but in the fearing of it, we created the word and energy of ‘control’ to try and cope and keep ourselves protected. 

Most of us are control freaks on some level and it really shows up in relationships where the greatest fear seems to be the loss of love which is often driving our every movement with our partner, sometimes to the point where the relationship is not at all enjoyable to either person.

Some of us hold love out because we fear losing it, so why let it in, in the first place. Or we let it in every time, and then constantly watch for signs of it leaving. Utter madness, but sadly we all do it at some point.  And what is the price? Relational freedom.

Relationships suffer many forms of lack of freedom which all stem from our own. If I am not free the relationship suffers and my partner.

Some of the signs of lack of freedom within your relationship

1) Conversations turn into angst ridden battles of the wills. Who is right and who is not! This is often born out of trying to get your needs met and not focusing on what the relationship needs from you in the moment.

2) You come and go as you like on nights out but if your partner threatens a night out, you find ways to persuade them to stay at home or vice versa.

3) Your relationship is symbiotic and one sided. You both get something out of it, but it’s an unhealthy balance of one person keeping the other happy and pretending they are happy too.

4) When you are out in company you find yourself worrying about who your partner is talking to and where they are during the evening.

5) You/they feel needy for attention and keep wanting demonstrations of love to feed the lack of self love.

6) You or they create rules in the relationship in an attempt to assuage the inner fear of loss.

7) You are always trying to change each other.

You or your partner avoid deep and meaningful conversations in case some ugly truths surface.

9) Reactive behaviour rather than active behaviour.

10) You or they are always trying to keep the relationship happy and rarely allow the experience of bad or off days. This can be common among spiritually or self developed people who think that alot of negative emotions should have been worked through “by now” and so one or both partners are worried about being really authentic.

Freedom equates to authenticity and is about allowing yourself to be authentic first and foremost and this in turn offers the same to your partner. You were put here to be you! It’s your birthright, your divine prize, your absolute ‘must do’ while here in this body. EVERYBODY SAY YAY!

Life is about the good AND the bad, the nice and nasty, the ups and downs and the expansion and contraction. It’s natural and just the way it is. 

Freedom comes in the allowing and the allowing is not a doing but a state of being!

I offer you no tips in this blog because freedom is here for you right now. It is a choice and you don’t need a “how to” on this, trust yourself! Just intend freedom to be with you right now.

As Mali and Joe say in my latest must read book, The Soulmate Experience, in their chapter entitled Creating a Context, set a higher possibility in your current or future relationship, that freedom to be authentically connected is your goal and what you will both live by.

Freedom will melt your heart and the fear and will dissolve many of the daily problems in your relationships. I know from experience that, with a little practise and a whole lot of intention, you will manifest freedom in abundance.

‘Til next time

Blessings and love

Have you ever suffered the emotional knifing of a relationship breakup? Why does it hurt so damn much? Why don’t we say “NEXT!” and smile joyfully as we trip down the road to the Plenty More Fish shop?

The sudden and aching void that forms when your honey, who you thought was your only soul mate, best friend, lover and life companion, gives you the news that “it’s over” can send you down a very dark road. 

It can be a period of deep analysis tinged with daily oscillation from loving them to hating them and yourself, to try and gain some control and get to a better feeling place within. Despair sets in which triggers wanting them so badly you’ll even get in your car and go find them at some ungodly hour. Been there a few times.

The agony of a painful breakup is almost intellectually indescribable. Your heart and soul feel like they are being ripped from their foundations. The flash flood and continuous waves of feelings that you will never find someone like that again and what will life be like alone again? Will life ever return to a happy place?

Your mind sends your bodily functions into overdrive as thoughts tumble forth like a river of terrifying rapids…losing them means emotionally dying….it’s too scary…..why?…how?…are they seeing someone else?…I thought we were ok!

Loss and attachment

Breakups feel like a huge loss, a detachment from the attachment of loving and needing love from another. 

Your attachment causes the pain, not the person breaking up with you. This is fact numero uno. It’s never about the person who has left you, so chasing them to explain why or to get closure is often futile. 

It’s about you! They merely represent where you are at in your own self love stakes. If you depend on someone for love, it will likely be the death of the relationship eventually. 

Perceived loss of love and pain seem to be two inseparable requirements to get the life badge “Welcome to being fully alive and human.”

I believe we come to Earth to experience the full portfolio of situations along with their matching and contrasting emotional braids and there’s nothing we can do to avoid it. In fact we ask for it, willingly strap ourselves in for the ride and experience the inevitable train crash. 

Why? Because as human beings we seek wholeness through a complete range of experiences. As you get to experience every side of the coin within a given situation you become more in touch with who you are. Your own truth without any illusions. Are you getting then, that really you are simply not in control of anything, let alone relationships starting and ending? How do I know? I don’t but my love life path shows me this phenomenon every day.

For example, people who have been unfaithful will often get to experience what it feels like when another partner comes along and cheats on them. I have worked with couples where this has happened and being able to see life from both perspectives, boots them into choosing not to do it again because they understand the pain that their choices inflicted last time. This in built wisdom is very powerful and sobering and educating for a healthier future.

So the big question is. How do we love without attachment?

My theory is that we can’t because we are not there yet on our evolutionary path.

Losing love IS an illusion we are told time and again by gurus. From my viewing platform, breakups and people seeking inner happiness, the major drive for relationship changes, is a universal thing right now. Seeking is rife as are relationshipwreaks. 

I believe we are collectively been asked to look at this pandemic dilemma through the eyes of how we deal with it internally. Think for a moment how many people you know who have or are suffering from relationship nightmares lately? Lots!

I believe that we are at a human growth edge. Our stage of evolution thus far renders us in pain when we feel loss. When someone dies, we grieve and when we breakup from our beloved, it hurts and often more than someone dying. That’s just the way it is. 

It’s simply not in our current DNA to deal with things any other way. So give yourself a break for melting down and feeling totally destroyed, it’s NORMAL! People who get through quicker are either covering up for what’s really going on inside or they run from the growth that is trying to happen within them, via drink and drugs etc. or they have learned a new way through. Suffering is strength.

What’s happening to me?

So what is happening to you when you breakup with someone you really love? 

I can only offer intellectual perspectives here within my own experiential stream. The following is designed to help you balm some wounds with an educational overtone. Take from this what feels true and bin the rest.

So you have broken up and whether you ended it but didn’t want to, or they did, you are hurting big time. Although I hate to use the word process, breaking up seems just that, with stages.

1) The raw stage – this is the gut wrenching early days when the pain feels at its greatest. Being here often means life stops for days or weeks. You can’t eat, or you overeat, you can’t work or do any of the normal things. Nothing in life seems motivating or interesting. You feel lost when you are out with friends but feel despairing when within your four walls. It feels like there’s no resting place. Everything good that life was, is now up in the air and you can’t come into land.

Understanding it – Imago Relationship theory states that we attract and have relationships with people that represent mainly the negative traits of our parents. We are programmed unconsciously to seek healing and growth from our childhood experiences within our adult intimate relationships. A totally fascinating theory and one I see playing out in every couple I have worked with. Mum and Dad are in our partners, to a greater or lesser degree and we are drawn to them because of this deep need to heal from whatever negative situations arose in childhood. 

So if we are seeking healing and then our partner leaves us, no wonder at the pain? A second wounding in the same places that were not healed from before. The promise of healing turns up with everyone you meet but if it’s not met it can feel like double agony.

A theory perhaps, but this really resonates with me. One of my top two painful breakups of all time was with a man SO like my father it was uncanny. He didn’t get this stuff and nor did I at the time. Like my father, I didn’t actually like this man on many levels, but I was hooked and floundering for months when we broke up. It is often way deeper than what appears on the surface to you and others around you.

Please read Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix. He is one of Imago’s founders. This book and the other three in the series are gold. So much educational information in a small book!

This stage as with any other has no time frame so be kind to you and do what you need to do to rest. Live it fully is my advice. It eventually passes as does everything, I promise you.

2) The oscillation stage – I observe this as the story telling stage where you create stories in your mind about him/her and about how it is/was when you were together. It’s a very analytical stage where you try and find the truth of everything that has happened. This stage often manifests as daily and even hourly story changes in an effort to get to a better feeling place. A place of self balming and often ego strutting. 

You convince yourself one day that your now ex is in the wrong and how, in the relationship, they fell well short of what a boyfriend/girlfriend should be. This is usually an awakening as well when you see what others have been saying for months and even years, but were never willing to see. Now you can join your friends and slag them off! Feels good right? Yep and again it’s an attempt to get to a better feeling place. Why not! It’s part of the process. 

The next day/week you may collapse back into despair and feel like running to them. You tell your friends that maybe they were the perfect ones and you were the evil witch/wizard. No wonder they left and didn’t want to love you. All manner of sense is thrown out again as once more you feel the pain of detachment. And oh boy feelings here can be hellishly intense. I know people who have driven to find their exes, written them letters etc. 

I remember leaving weekly tape recordings for my ex husband begging him to rethink. Go with it, but keep in mind you. You are who you need during those times. Talk it through with others. Always helps to bounce your thoughts off them. Be open, be vulnerable, feel it all!

One of the most tender places I have shared and agreed on with friends is the story that says “but how can you not love me, when I am all these things?” The ego has a very hard time getting through this. Often it fuels more oscillation as you won’t allow your ex to let go. You scheme endless ways to connect with them. I spent 5 months after ending a six month relationship not letting my ex go because I just wasn’t in the business of believing he wanted to end it and not try any more. My story was that if he loved me he would swim the deepest ocean…blah blah! A whopper of a story eh! Very painful though. Egos never want to lose! 

Understanding it – this stage, to me, is intrinsic in trying to work it all out so you can self heal (for now!) and start to put a measure of it all to bed. We are programmed to move forward and expand into the next thing, hence the effort to intellectualise it all. Many people who breakup don’t have access to or see their ex and therefore have absolutely no idea what’s going on with them, hence the stories that form to fill gaps between the apparent facts. 

A word of caution here. Try not to make up stories! Go with the oscillation until it slows, because it will! Talk it out with friends or do whatever brings you into a better place. Time is indeed a healer. 

When someone leaves you, it is never about you but the stories they tell themselves about you and about whether they are prepared to do their own healing in relationship with you. Many people get to a growth edge and suddenly decide it’s over because they don’t wanna work on their stuff that you have brought up. It’s not personal. We are all mirrors to each other remember!

I order you to go read I Need Your Love Is That True? and do The Work of Byron Katie. Her message is simple. Stories keep you chained to suffering. Believe it and watch your thoughts.

3) No Man’s Land Stage – this is often marked by the feeling of a hurricane having blown through and you are emotionally laid out to dry. You may feel numb or spent and this stage can be marked by a huge wave of tiredness formed by all the nights awake fretting and worrying in previous stages. 

The stories have worn thin because at some level you can’t be tricked into believing them and you are done talking to everyone and yourself. A small glimmer of light appears at the end of the tunnel. You don’t think about your ex 24/7 and when you do you get angry. How dare they! You are slowly finding pleasure in food and life but with a hangover feeling throughout your whole being.

Understanding it – again it is never about the ex. “How dare they!” roughly translates to “How dare I let myself go through all of that!” How very dare you indeed! But when you love someone and you break up while still very much in love, you have to learn to kill off/numb/put to bed that love hence the long winded process. 

Awakening huge love for someone is often overpowering and out of body, so when people break up we believe we are never going to feel it again. It feels like they have taken away love. But love isn’t something to obtain. See my previous blog on this subject.

4) A new day dawns stage – much time has passed, rivers of tears have been shed and analysing is complete. Anger is spent and balance dawns like the sun rising. Welcome to the final phase of breaking up. Well done! You have lived it fully like the longest roller coaster and got to know yourself deeply through it all. You may not have all the answers or any closure, but something in you, not describable with words, settles. It just happens. One morning the angst is gone. If you feel a natural completion, rather than a feeling it’s all been swept under an enormous carpet, you are done.

You notice yourself going to the hairdressers and coming out with a new look. You have renewed drive to visit the gym and get back in shape. You wax, tweeze and buff your way (male groomers own up!) back to the old you! You clear out old clothes and things and buy new. A rebirth happens. The chrysalis flourishes to a butterfly in more ways than one. 

Understanding it – You have let go of the attachment to your ex. Surrender has happened. You can never be the same internally but often you are unaware. It will take the next relationship to show you how far you have come but have no fear you won’t attract another partner like your ex. Trust me. As you experience each breakup you move into a place of knowing more of what you will and won’t allow next time. 

Each relationship puts you to the test to help you find your authentic self who is totally worthy of every bit of love and approval because you have given it to yourself via your greatest gift. The learning.

And so my dear conscious relationship seekers I offer you finally some profound words from Mark Twain. 

“The impulse of any person towards anything is the impulse to content his own spirit- the necessity of contenting his own spirit and winning its approval. The unselfish man may think he is doing something solely for the other person’s sake, but it is not so; he is contenting his own spirit first and the other person’s benefit has to ALWAYS take second place.”

‘Til Next time

Inspired by having coffee at the beach with my beloved’s sister today I felt urged to share my thoughts on where I feel “we are at” in life, the Universe, the here and now, or whatever you choose to call it, in terms of our relationships. This mini blog is an instigator and prodder of inner and outer movement. Don’t continue to read if you are feeling sensitive!

Let me start by asking a few questions about your relationship right now.

Feel the answers that come and don’t rationalise them away because that’s all blah blah! Let your intuition (gut) guide your immediate answer.

1) Does your relationship feel good to you?

2) Are you free to be you?

3) Is there more fear based and reactive behaviour than love?

4) Is there more criticism than appreciation?

5) Is your relationship vibrant, alive, colourful?

6) Does your partner control the relationship with not talking about stuff that has meaning?

7) Are you a grower and mover and is your partner pulling at your balloon’s guy ropes?

Are you with the right person?

If your guidance system is screaming right now because you know a different way is calling, then I’d like to ask you a few more questions. Again feel the answers, because they are your TRUTH. There is no escaping anymore no matter how much more you try to kid yourself!

1) Are you committed to your growth, spiritually or otherwise?

2) Have you been self developing with a passion for a short or very long time and are breaking away from the old life (corporate or other long standing job) into a new life?

3) Do you have a sense of great inner excitement that is sometimes overpowering about the future and yet you have no idea what it really looks like?

4) Do you find that being around certain people in your life is showing you where you would rather be and not be?

5) Are you being guided by what feels good to do some or most of the time and are you giving up the “trying” to achieve or succeed?

Ok, so you are a FLYER if you have answered “YES!” to the last 5 questions. It can and will create mini or maxi forms of havoc in your life if you are denying yourself in any way.

“Havoc” is a navigation aide designed by the Universe to push and prod you towards, love, joy and bliss and towards what you do want, away from what you don’t want….simples!

How much and to what degree are you denying your calling?

It’s time to fly my dear flyers and stop allowing your relationships to hold you back. I see friends experiencing so many opportunities open up when they say “YES!” to life and love when they let go of stale relationships.

We are here to experience, expand, create and be and our intimate relationships, if they are conscious, will want that for us too, without question. Unconditional love is imbued with all of these qualities. Anything that falls short of this is going to feel off, make you feel stunted and held back if you are a flyer.

But how can we flyer together?

As Bette Midler sings, we must be the wind beneath our partner’s wings, but if it’s not happening, I offer these morsels of advice.

1) Don’t wait for tomorrow to fly, even for one more minute. The time is NOW!

2) Discern if your relationship needs to shift.

3) If it does, invite a conversation with your beloved about what you feel as a flyer and where you’d like to be in the future together. See what comes back.

4) If you both decide you need some help to develop a conscious relationship which is fit and secure for the future, then give me a buzz. I am absolutely ready to help you both live your birthright in a healthy, happy, free and authentic relationship.

5) If after your chat your honey feels they would rather be where they are, please allow them the space to be there and know that is their business. Unconditional love comes in the allowing of their “otherness.” Too many times we think that they need to change and we try in vain to make them.

6) If they don’t want to fly with you then you have choices to cut loose the ropes that tie you. I am here to help you with that place and space. We all fear reacting to whatever comes in the moment, so if you need some grounded advice laced with honesty and safety to express your hearts desires, either together or alone, then call me. We’ll find a way to clarity together so you can both feel sure of the best outcome.

7) Sometimes you can’t fly together because it’s time for you to fly with someone more matched to you in these changing times. Not letting go is like flogging a dead relational horse.

You may feel compelled to write the answers to the above questions or simply feel what is true for you.

Whatever you do, don’t waste your own time making excuses for your relationship if it is anything other than diamonds. Don’t paper over well worn cracks to present an image of what it should be. When it isn’t right, it just isn’t.

I live in a conscious relationship with Joel every day and every day he and it changes, surprises and excites me with how much richness we have. This is my happily ever after and I simply want that for you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Blessings and love