Consuming Parenthood

A Birthday Party to Celebrate a Year of Firsts!

2014-03-29T16:32:00.002-04:00

After much debate about where to throw Emilia's first birthday party, we wound up hosting it at home. By the time I began planning all affordable venues were rented and the only ones that remained were astronomically priced (in my opinion). So at home, it was! Our house is pretty small and the layout isn't super conducive to a kid party but it was a house crowded with love which is the best kind of "problem."

The preparation for the party was also a labor of love and all the grandparents lent their help. My mom and sister were especially busy with decorations, crafting and putting their amazingly creative energy to use. They made all the personalized decorations, photo banners, and collages, and they came over to help me clean, decorate, and set up. It wouldn't have happened without them! We're lucky to have so much help nearby. A lot of our decorating ideas came from Pinterest but they still needed to be executed which I could have never done by myself. My mom also made the high chair skirt above and a baby-friendly party game with party animal favors all of which were big hits.

The weight is off a bit since her 1 yr. appt. was later that week. She was just over 19lbs.

My mom also made cookies and my parents brought a huge amount of food. Chris's mom and stepdad bought the cake and also brought food. And Chris's dad and stepmom rounded out the buffet with additional dishes. And of course Chris cooked too. As you can imagine there was a lot to eat!

Emilia wore a striped Ralph Lauren dress that I picked out for her a month or so prior. It wound up being a bit too long but thankfully, my mother-in-law was kind enough to hem the lowest stripe with a quick stitch that was easily pulled out afterwards so that she can wear the dress as she grows. She had a second outfit in which to smash her cake that consisted of a tutu and a shirt with a "1" on it that I found at Gymboree. We cleaned her up and changed her back for opening gifts (which I realize many people today don't do in front of guests but our families insist that it would be inappropriate not to... I guess it depends on the region and the families involved. I've been to parties both where people do and don't...). She received many lovely gifts from our very generous family and friends that we continue to enjoy every day.

It was a great day and it commemorated an even more wonderful year! Our time with Emilia has flown by and she is already sixteen months old. We're so grateful for the love in our lives and for our family and friends who helped celebrate this time. Suffice to say that work and life have managed to get in the way of blogging so this update is long overdue. For that I apologize and I thank you for checking back in here, despite the hiatus!

When you try to stage a family photo...

2013-12-03T10:01:00.002-05:00

... on your baby's first birthday, the evening before your husband defends his dissertation, you wind up with shots like this:

I love that Emilia and Speck are in agreement about this exercise in futility and are making the same faces in the second photo to express their annoyance.

I don't have a lot of time for an update (which is why this being posted a week past her birthday) but to summarize, Chris is now Dr. Chris. Emilia is now a one-year-old. Speck and Emilia exchange kisses and snuggle up during naps which makes my heart grow three sizes. I think they've bonded over the thrill of Emilia dropping/purposely feeding Speck from her high chair. Emilia loves the gifts we gave her (Wheely Bug, Schoenhut Piano, and Sevi Xylophone) as well as the gifts she was given at her big party.

Thanksgiving remains my favorite holiday because (removed from its colonialist origins) it is about food, family, and gratitude but this year really tested that devotion. We spent too many hours of the day in the car with a cranky baby and a carsick mama, trying to see all three families. It was draining enough to do so before we had a child. Now it seems impossible. I don't think I can handle a Christmas Day like this year's Thanksgiving Day. Don't get me wrong. I want to see everyone and be together. We're lucky to have so many loved ones who are close enough to visit. But it feels so wasteful of Emilia's pleasant wake time to coop her up (and make her very grumpy) while driving three hours to and fro. It was so taxing that 50% of us had meltdowns. I'll let you guess which ones...

Over the weekend, somehow Chris finished his final dissertation edits AND helped me throw a ridiculous, over-the-top first birthday party for Emilia on Sunday. My mom and sister are creative giants and decorated the house so beautifully! And all the grandmas brought food in addition to what Chris made so we ate well. An update about that will follow soon. In the meanwhile, I am waist deep in papers to grade with no Thanksgiving break left to use. I can't believe she is already one! I can't believe Chris and I both managed to finish! Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I have a lot to be thankful for this year and hope that despite my occasional feelings of overwhelm (and corresponding meltdowns) I never lose sight of that.

What a difference a year makes!

2013-11-19T12:01:00.002-05:00

I almost can't believe that this time last year, I was days away from meeting my daughter! It feels at once incredibly recent and impossibly distant. As her first birthday approaches a flurry of mixed emotions circulate in my head. I obviously continue to struggle with processing my fear and sadness surrounding her birth. I actually never finished recording her birth story because of it. It's telling, though perhaps unsurprising that I wrote everything that occurred up until I was in triage at the hospital, where my blood pressure results indicated to the midwife (following recommendations from my cardiologist and the risk OB in maternal fetal medicine) that I would need an epidural immediately. It marked the turning point in my agency and control. But I accept that I cannot change the past and parenting has offered many lessons in relinquishing my desire for (and ability to) control.

Frankly, the process of writing my birth story always felt more about me than her. And although I still believe that I matter and will honor that idea by refusing to erase the hard feelings from my memories of her birth, at this point in time, I also relish in focusing on her. Of course I wish my hazy recollection of her birthday (and the time I spent laboring over the course of the days prior) wasn't clouded with pain, confusion, and sadness. But as we come upon one year of time together, I am trying my best to cling to the few bits I recall and am told about her earliest hours. After all, from that day forward it really no longer got to be just about me.

Although I don't remember, I am told that I was wheeled from the post-op area back to my labor and delivery room holding her in my arms. Although I don't have memories of the logistics of getting her positioned in a way that allowed all my wires and monitors to stay in place, I have a photo of her latched onto me as we breastfed for the first time. I see all the wires attached in the photo so I know they were still on me. I remember thinking while breastfeeding her that we got this and that her latch was strong and that breastfeeding felt weird but right. I don't remember doing skin to skin contact and that remains one of my bigger regrets but I felt like an alien in my post-surgical body so I am going to cut myself some slack. As our families cycled through to meet her, I remember being too out of it and too focused on breastfeeding to stop and let my parents and sister hold her. Although I was oblivious, my mom told me that my dad felt awkward about my breastfeeding because I was uncovered while feeding her. At that point I don't think all the riches in the world would have motivated me to feel an ounce of modesty or concern about anyone seeing any part of my body. The only thing that mattered was her.

I remember that my parents came through first, followed by Chris's parents. Although I forget their order of visits I think his mom and stepdad may have been next, followed by his dad, stepmom, and sister. I remember that I held her as we were wheeled into the postpartum recovery area and I remember feeling hungry but was not permitted or able to eat anything. I think at some point Chris left Emilia and me to find something to eat for himself as everything in the hospital was closed. I remember wanting to be awake to hold and nurse her but feeling too exhausted to keep her in bed with me without falling asleep (sleeping while bed-sharing was not permitted in the hospital but even if it wasn't, it would have been unsafe for me to do so with all the medication that remained in my system). I pulled her little bassinet as close to my bed as possible because I was unable to get out of bed at that point. I tried my best to soothe her with my voice. I remember thinking in amazement that she was easily soothed by this which made me realize she recognized my voice from hearing it in the womb. In retrospect this was also a good glimpse into her easy going personality.

Eventually I was able to get out of bed and practiced swaddling her. She would cry during diaper changes because she was cold. She would fall asleep fairly quickly while feeding. She seemed so small and so sweet. She smelled so good. She hated her sponge bath. She rooted at everything and I recognized it from one of our ultrasounds where it appeared as though she was shaking her head "no" furiously.

I remembered thinking vividly that even though she didn't come into the world in the way I had hoped or anticipated, she clearly knew that I was her mom. I remember feeling overwhelmed with love and concern for her. And now my baby is about to turn 1!!!

Work // Life

2013-10-22T00:54:00.001-04:00

I've settled into the semester and although I am spent, things are mostly good. I am so proud to share that Chris has submitted his dissertation draft! In all likelihood, we will have both finished our doctoral degrees before Emilia turns 1. I almost can't believe it! I realize we should have done so before her birth but we didn't (and there's nothing we can do about that now). I try not to beat myself or Chris up about it. And frankly, it's amazing that becoming parents didn't derail us irreparably. If anything, having a baby forced us to become better time managers and lit a fire under us to take care of business. So, thank you Emilia!

Speaking of, Emilia is having a blast with "Aunt Katie" on my teaching days. I am so grateful that my sister comes to my home to be with her when I can't be. Baby girl lights up as soon as she sees Katie's face and although there are days when I wish I didn't have to go, I never leave with worries or fears about her care.

My teaching days are l.o.n.g. It's hard on everyone for me to be away for 12 plus hours (on some days when I have meetings for example). But it's necessary and it's not every day. Chris is forging his way with bedtime routines. He got a raise this week. He's working on a publication for submission. He's teaching a class in the spring and will likely take some research trips abroad. I'm working on my book proposal and a few small grants. I try to finish my course preparation and grading on campus but that isn't always possible. I have my big three year review this December (delayed by one year due to maternity leave stopping my tenure clock) so I am gearing up for that. Things are busy!

Emilia and I are still happily breastfeeding and on my working days I almost always manage to out-produce the volume of milk she consumes. I've found that (depending on how my schedule shakes out), it is easier to pump either right before I leave or right when I get to work, and then always as soon as I get home. I was pumping in between classes and before I left campus but that made for really harried afternoons and later arrivals home which seemed silly. I'm no longer anxiously squeezing in pumping sessions during short breaks between back to back classes so I can focus on course prep or grading during that time instead. I do run the risk of engorgement with my current pumping schedule and break things up more on the occasional 12 hour day. But so far it has been manageable.

I will say that I am tired. Maybe that is to be expected? Emilia's teething, separation anxiety, and night waking are hard on my sleep. I just bring her into bed when she wakes up rather than attempt the more frustrating process of staying up until she's back down so that I can put her back into her crib. Bringing her into bed and going back to sleep myself (as much as I can while nursing) makes everything a bit easier, albeit crowded. Truth be told, I long for the wake-ups after the on-campus workdays when we're apart. And I'm sure there will be a time once she's older that I'll long for all of it; the harried days of working and pumping, scooping my teary and bleary-eyed baby up from her crib, and bringing her into bed with me. Her first (almost) 11 months have flown by. It's difficult to fathom.

When I'm having a rough day or week, I remind myself how fortunate we all are for our health, our extended families, our jobs, and our circumstances. Life is a perpetual balancing act at the moment so maintaining our senses of gratitude is really important. Chris and I still haven't properly gone out for our anniversary (the "10 years coupled" mark that we hit in August or the "3 years married" mark that we hit just a few weeks ago) for example. But we're finding our way. We're figuring out how to be productive, how to continue forging our careers, how to be some version of our pre-parent selves, and most of all I suppose, how to be a family.

Great deal on a fancy nursing bra!

2013-10-16T11:29:00.001-04:00

Hey breastfeeding mamas and mamas-to-be, Saks Fifth Avenue's Friends and Family event is on and you can score this Le Mystere nursing bra (note that it includes underwire which is a positive or a negative depending on your preference) for $15 with coupon code FRNFAM now through October 20th. They have a lot of sizes not typically available in big box stores and although it was originally $50+ at retail, I am excited to score this bra for a big box store price. I hope I like it!

Note that the photo was one I assembled for Consume or Consumed because I didn't want to post a woman in a bra for those who read from work.

Three to six month favorites

2013-10-05T13:46:00.001-04:00

By the time Emilia was three months old, she was sleeping happily in her crib (much to my own unfounded concern and worry... I worried for no reason frequently as I adapted to new motherhood). Over the next three months as her motor skills developed even more, she would put everything in her mouth, chew on anything she could, and roll and scoot as means of mobility. She started sitting up and liked being held in a standing position. Accordingly, a lot of the consumer goods we came to appreciate during this time were those that ensured continued safety, comfort, and stimulation.

She had developed enough head and neck control to sit safely in her Bumbo seat. And with the play tray, this seat became her first eating chair. I am reluctant to call it a high chair since we kept it on the ground but it gave her a nice spot where she could sit up, play, and eventually try new tastes. We waited til she was six months old to actually start solid foods but the seat was helpful long before that as a way to keep her propped up and able to be in the mix, socially.

Although it wasn't perfect, we liked our breathable bumper.

As I said above, Emilia began scooting and rolling all over between three and six months. With increasing mobility, our beloved swaddle was no longer safe. We transitioned her from the swaddle when we were in New York right after her four month birthday. As a crib sleeping baby, her risk of limbs getting caught between bars cause some worry. We used a breathable bumper to guard against suffocating. Of course and as demonstrated above, this bumper was not a perfect solution. Still, we were so glad to have it during this period of her growth.

At night she typically slept in a sleep sack layered with a footed sleeper because it was still quite cold in Pittsburgh. We loved the Halo Sleep Sack Swaddle because she had plenty of kicking room plus the optional swaddle wings (since we were still swaddling her at three months). She had all kinds of footed sleepers but because our house is somewhat drafty, I preferred fleece or thicker cotton with a zip closure rather than buttons like this one from Carters. This way changing her could be done swiftly. We would still typically layer onesies underneath most of her outfits.

When it came to bundling up before leaving the house, we learned our best bet was to move swiftly. She came to get frustrated when we would put her in warm clothing while still in the warm house so the faster we could make the process, the better. We were handed down an adorable, thick Gap Baby bunting that had two very easy zippers for closures. This one is quite similar albeit for fall and early winter rather than the coldest of the cold days.

Whenever we wore her, we began using the Ergo more often because she was big enough to fit in it (since we didn't have the infant insert). My only beef with the Ergo is that the thick shoulder straps are a bit bulky under narrower coats. A lot of my more tailored outerwear options look ridiculous under the Ergo. But over doesn't feel secure enough to me.

We still prefer the Ergo to our other carriers. I love the big zip pocket in the front. I regularly wear her around the neighborhood sans purse because I can fit my phone, keys, and money in there with no problem.

Her favorite toy during this time became the Winkle. Its rattling sounds, bright colors, and highly grab-able/chew-able tubes were the perfect design for her grabby hands. She loved gumming it and shaking it and does to this day! We accumulated a cache of teethers but her favorite one for on the go was her "car keys." We kept them tethered to her car seat via these "lots of links." The links themselves are fun to play with and chew. And we still keep her keys handy for trips.

Because she enjoyed a supported standing position so much and seemed fairly stable, we also began using the Exersaucer. Yes, it looks hideous. But one of the compromises of this new life is to accept the practical over the aesthetic. We needed a spot to put her into that wasn't her bouncey seat (which she basically outgrew/became bored with) or her swing (which she would only tolerate when already tired).

We still used her sound machines and video monitor religiously. We still loved her hooded towels and many blankets. She still played with her baby gym and some other things from my Newborn to Three Month Favorites post. But all of the above became our most helpful items as she continued to grow and change.

Baby bookworm

2013-09-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

When I was newly postpartum and post-surgery, feeling groggy, sad, and insecure in my new mom role, I turned to books. Not books on parenting mind you, but children's books. I decided that even if Emilia was very newly born, something we could do together that didn't require a lot of special talents or knowledge or even physical mobility was reading. Books were my comfort zone. And Emilia was lucky to have a lot of books gifted to her before she was even born!

Growing up, I was a voracious reader. My schoolteacher mom encouraged it and some of my earliest memories are of reading with her and my grandmother. My gram taught me how to read via the classic "Fun with Dick and Jane" series. It had lots of rhyming and illustrative pictures that enabled me to work with contexts to make sense of letters on a page. That was when I was about 3. Still, when I was pregnant I didn't anticipate that I'd turn to reading with my own baby to bond with her when she was barely a week old.

The first book we read was Charlie Harper's Colors. The vivid contrasts allowed Emilia's blurry newborn vision to still be stimulated and follow along. The second book we read was The Going to Bed Book by Sandra Boynton. She was mesmerized by the page where all the animals exercise. It remains her favorite to this day! All the Boynton books are favorites of Emilia's because of the fun rhyming and cartoon animals. And reading The Going to Bed Book remains integral to her bedtime routine, along with Goodnight Moon.

After attempting to read, If I Could Keep You Little when Emilia was only a few days old, I found myself crying my way through the words. I put it down to save for another less fragile time. Its message truly captures the bittersweetness of how swiftly time passes along with the excitement of seeing them grow and change.

Another book we read very early on that remains a favorite was The Mommy Book by Todd Parr. When my own mom (who bought the book for us) read it to her, she marveled at how engaged Emilia already seemed by the pictures and the process of advancing a page. The page depicting the mommy with the long blue hair wearing jeans caused Emilia's face to light up with enthusiasm which was amazing to see.

Now when we read books, it's fun to notice what will stand out the most for Emilia. Often she will put her hand on a page and try to get us to turn back so she can linger on a visual from before. She loves to point to the babies in Everywhere Babies. I was really lucky to be given the bulk of her library as shower gifts from loved ones. And I've also bought some of my favorites like Virginia Lee Burton's The Little House.

My mom and sister created centerpieces for the tables at my baby shower with children's books they picked for us. Through working with children my mom in particular was familiar with many series and titles that are new to me and fantastic. The above book, Llama Llama Misses Mama is one such newer volume about separation anxiety with a mama who drops off the little llama at school/daycare when she goes to work. We're reading it a lot lately because the message about separation anxiety fits our current situation.

Regardless of whether my mom chose old favorites or new classics, she inscribed every book with a message for me and my then baby-to-be. When I read to Emilia, I include the inscriptions, though she's sometimes eager to advance the pages to find their more exciting visual offerings. I had no idea I would get so much joy out of reading with her. I had no idea she would respond so strongly to pages and colors and the sounds of words in patterns and rhymes. Reading remains among my favorite moments of our early days together. And it's one of my favorite things to do with her to this day.

Newborn to Three Month Favorites

2013-08-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

Hanging at the Skip Hop Tree Friends gym

One of the fun parts of prepping for baby was researching items to add to our wish lists and registry. As a genre of consumer goods, I was about as unfamiliar as I could be with baby items. At different points, I asked the "been there, done that" moms I knew, I searched for blog posts, I read reviews, and I went with my gut. We wound up being showered generously by many loved ones who were so excited to welcome Emilia and help make our family transition as smooth as possible.

Now that she is nearly nine months old (!!), I figured I would share some of the most useful and lovingly used items among the baby gear. Because she is such a different tiny human with new and changing needs, I am breaking it into two posts. This one covers the "fourth trimester," aka the period from birth to three months. The next will be from 3-6 months.

As shown above, the Skip Hop baby gym has been a favorite around these parts from week one. It is great for tummy time as well as kick time. Emilia still plays with it so its usefulness extends well beyond the fourth trimester. And it is adorably gender neutral making it a wise buy for people contemplating more than one baby.

I realized when I was putting together my list, most of the items for 0-3 months are about facilitating sleep. This makes sense because so much newborn time is spent sleeping. So the following items are about sleeping and soothing.

Summer Infant Co-sleeper, Soothie, Swaddle Blanket by Aden + Anais, and Sleep Sheep

Although we knew we wanted to co-sleep to make nighttime breastfeeding easy on everyone, our bed didn't seem very conducive to doing so, safely. Our bedroom isn't set up in a way that would accommodate the Arms Reach Cosleeper loved by so many. And I didn't want her to be across the room in a pack'n'play. So we went with this Summer Infant Side by Side Co-sleeper. It is essentially a padded metal frame with mesh sides and a cushy oval bed. The stock photo on the box depicts the bassinet set between the two doting parents. We tried this the first night we were home from the hospital and it was too big to be comfortable in our queen size bed. Thankfully, we have a foot board so we put it at our feet so that we could just sit up and soothe her in those early days.

It was great that she had her own space while being so close. Some nights Chris and I would take turns laying at the foot of the bed with her, allowing us to get close without fear of falling too deep into sleep. Especially when I was still taking prescription pain medication after surgery, it seemed important to keep her close albeit in her own safe spot.

Perched nearby at the top left of the photo is the mini Sleep Sheep. Wow was this thing clutch! We brought it everywhere because it was so useful to have white noise to calm her and allow her to nap. Sometimes we still bring the sound machine part when we travel in case we're in a louder hotel or something.

My favorite sound machine option is the Homedics Sound Spa Lullaby that has many songs and sounds, a timer function, a plug in option so you don't need to worry about batteries, and best of all, it has the option to project a light show onto the ceiling or wall. She still loves this light show! And when she was really small, she was MESMERIZED! This was an off registry gift from my aunt and it is probably the most useful, helpful sleep related thing that goes well beyond the 0-3 month period. We have brought it with us on every overnight trip because the white noise options are versatile and you can use the timer or just let it play all night. It muffles city noises and dog barks fantastically!

In the early days, Emilia slept best when she was swaddled and we had apparatuses for this. Summer Infant Sleep Swaddlers, Halo Sleep Sack Swaddles, Aden and Anais muslin blankets, etc. Although I liked the muslin blankets that were recommended highly everywhere, in the early days I preferred the Pottery Barn Kids receiving blankets in flannel. They were warmer and seemed to stay in place better than the muslin. Since she was born in November, she spent a lot of time adjusting to the coolness of our drafty house. We increased the base temperature of our thermostat but having warm swaddle blankets also made a difference. After she grew a bit, I came to really love the Halo Sleep Sack Swaddle because she had plenty of kick room and the versatility of the swaddle wings that could just wrap around her waist or help snuggle her arms.

in the moby

They don't always sleep though! They like to look around and explore. On the coldest days we didn't really take Emilia on many walks but we still tried to get her out and about. For walks while babywearing, we used the Moby Wrap and the Baby K'tan. She was too little for the Ergo then and these felt more snuggly. We also liked our Britax Chaperone car seat which snapped into the Britax B-Agile stroller. The stroller is lightweight and folds in a snap. It also fits into my trunk much better than the Chicco Cortina travel system I also considered.

Laying on the newborn napper pillow

It's helpful to have a spot to put your baby while you're hanging out together so we loved the Boppy Newborn pillow. We would put it between us while we ate dinner on our coffee table. That said, it looks just like a dog bed so we had to be pretty vigilant in putting it up and away from Speck.

Speaking of pillows, I continued to use my pregnancy pillow as an in-bed nursing support pillow. Although I had a regular boppy that lived downstairs, if I was only buying one to last through pregnancy and postpartum, I'd re-buy this.

Other hits: wipes warmer (winter babies in old drafty houses need them), nosefrida, hooded towels, books, toys, a nursing cover, burp cloths, socks that look like shoes, buntings from baby gap (that zip instead of button!), a video monitor, hats... so many hats. I could go on... but I'll stop there for now.

4 trips in 8 months

2013-08-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

In NYC after our first flight with baby

Chris and I have always loved to take trips and travel. Before we were ready to start trying to conceive, we went to St. Lucia. Right after I found out I was pregnant, we went to San Diego and New York. And we had planned to go to New Orleans but had to cancel due to inclement weather. Being pregnant and having a baby slowed down our travels but didn't halt things entirely. Over the course of Emilia's 8 (soon to be 9!) months of life, we've taken four trips. They were each relatively short and only one involved flying. The rest were drives. And now that we've had a few chances to try it out, I am eager to attempt bigger distances.

Our first trip was to DC, for Chris's work. Emilia was almost two months old. We drove and scheduled our departure to occur around her bedtime. She slept through the entire car ride! We even stopped to eat a late dinner and she managed to stay asleep for the entire rest stop. I over packed because 1. I'm a first time mom 2. we had a car which meant no checked luggage fees/limitations and 3. I am a first time mom!! I was a nervous Nellie so I brought everything but the kitchen sink. My electric pump. My manual pump. Emilia's bassinet. Her stroller and carriers. Her white noise machine. Books. Toys. A Boppy pillow. I could go on. It helped ease my worries to know that we would have all the comforts of home with us. We didn't use half the stuff I packed.

Our second trip was to NYC and we were flying. Emilia was just over four months old. Out of nervousness, and to avoid paying for checked bags, I upgraded our tickets to first class. It sounds indulgent but it really wasn't. The upgrade that was offered when I did our online check in was only $10 more than checking a bag. And without her stroller (since we planned to wear her everywhere) it seemed like we'd need our hands for baby wrangling more so than luggage maneuvering. I was glad we did it because not only did we get to check bags (included with first class tickets), but we got to board early. We did get a few sideways looks having a baby in first class, but I valued the extra space. And she didn't make a peep during the flight, save for the few seconds I tried to force the "nurse during take off" rule so many seasoned mama travelers suggested to me. She just wanted to look around and I was still covering up/she was still willing to nurse under a cover. I relaxed and let her take the lead during landing as well as our return flight's take off/landing. The white noise of an airplane is akin to baby Unisom.*

Our third trip was to Cleveland and we drove. It was a nice short drive and an otherwise uneventful experience. She slept there and back. I probably overpacked a tiny bit because I had a car I could fill but felt way more relaxed than when flying or when driving to DC.

Our most recent trip was back to NYC again to meet our friends' new baby over the 4th of July. We decided to drive because our flight home on the last trip was delayed for so long at LGA that it would have been faster to drive. And we saved some money by doing so. It was super easy though Emilia was old enough that she was no longer a guaranteed car sleeper. She was more wakeful on our drive home than on the way there. I think this was due to the fact that she hadn't gotten to nurse much prior to our departure and the timing corresponded with when she typically goes to sleep (so she tanks up on milk prior). I didn't over pack. And she did sleep for a good portion of the drive. Because the drive was longer than any others it makes sense that she was up (and sometimes upset) during it.

Overall, my main lessons (more so for myself than for anyone else, since every baby and every family are different) are to be flexible. Realize that cities have things you can purchase once you arrive so don't feel like you need to bring everything. A lot of the stuff you think you need, you won't. Don't be a slave to the schedule (if you are following any schedule). Our "schedule" has always been pretty baby-centered so she lets me know when she needs to nap, etc. When things are different and there are new people and stimulation everywhere, she will likely skip a nap or fight sleep if you try to time out trips back to the hotel for napping. I learned that this is ok. I came to accept that regardless of whether she napped, our trips back to the hotels were useful opportunities to relax and regroup. Sometimes she'd nap. Sometime she wouldn't.

The most useful consumer goods for us have been the Ergo, our stocked diaper bag (more on diaper bags soon), baby wipes (is there anything they can't clean?), a few key teethers/toys, light layers (for everyone but especially for Emilia), and a bottle of pumped milk. The last one is probably the most important. If we're driving and she's upset but we can't easily or safely pull over, a bottle allows me to hop in the back seat and feed her without the dangers of the "boob dangle."

My most harried moments all entailed taking her to restaurants when I knew she was overtired or when she let me know she was overheated. Her only public travel meltdowns have corresponded neatly with our reservations-required, linen napkin, fine dining plans. We try to make one plan like this per trip, so as to still get to do what we normally do during travels, but in a limited manner. We have typically booked lunches or early dinners to accommodate everyone, but especially Emilia. And we go into things willing to bail, requesting that our food be packed up while one of us takes her outside, so as to not cause too much a scene if she does get upset. We've only had to follow through on that willingness once. Every other time, if there was an issue, we resolved it and carried on as usual.

As she gets older, more independent, and more communicative, I hope that we won't lose our willingness to keep traveling. I certainly haven't lost my travel bug and every new experience is that much more joyful when processed alongside this small, curious, and brave tiny person.

*I realize this won't always be the case. And eventually it will be really stressful to fly with her because she will want to be able to run around. But while she's small enough that she can't, we are enjoying the ease of short travels.

I took a brief hiatus but Emilia didn't stop growing!

2013-08-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

Out of necessity, my blogging slowed down while I defended my dissertation and finished my doctorate. But Emilia has been busy with her own serious projects such as crawling, getting into a sitting position on her own, pulling up to stand, eating many solid foods (both purees and whole), cruising while standing, clapping, waving, pointing, hugging, kissing, paddy caking, and more!

I cannot get over how swiftly she's changing. It is remarkable and fun but of course bittersweet. Joy pours off her and she smiles with her whole body. Her laughs and purposeful snuggles are so affirming and wonderful. I had no idea that parenting would be so amazing! But it's a labor of love with challenges also.

She's teething (she has three teeth so far with more to come) and more mobile so both bring their own sets of issues. We need to baby proof. And we need to lower the crib. Again. But she has handled her tooth pain like a champ (more wakeful but not necessarily more fussy). And although she has been a little anxious if I'm not nearby when she encounters a new group of unfamiliar faces, she settles back into her usual social self upon confirmation that I'm indeed still there.

Baby Shopping

2013-06-22T13:44:00.000-04:00

Since becoming a parent, I've come to enjoy shopping for baby things more so than shopping for anything else! Here are some items I've been eying for Emilia as well as my new parent and parent-to-be friends.

Row 1: Dress, Doll, One Piece, Book
Row 2: Dress, Mobile, Doll, Blanket with Hat
Row 3: Dress, Leggings, Manhattan Toys, Crib Shoes, Book

Father's Day

2013-06-17T08:30:00.000-04:00

Chris and his dad snuggle Emilia

I've already written about dads in this space and have loved seeing Chris become a dad over the last few months (I've also loved seeing my dad and his dad and stepdad be granddads!) but I wanted to commemorate that this time last year, I gave Chris a little dad-to-be baby gift. And this year our little baby got to wear it to celebrate her dad's first Father's Day!

Thank you to the great dads (and granddads) for all that they do for their families!!

Six Months Postpartum

2013-06-05T14:24:00.000-04:00

We both always look this happy! Except for when we aren't.

At six months, postpartum I feel pretty good. Some days are better than others. I start back in the classroom for a condensed summer course soon. So that will be interesting! I've been juggling working at home (on research, writing, revisions, and various service commitments) while taking care of Emilia for a few months now. And I have a defense date set for my dissertation (finally!!). On the whole, things are going really well when I think about what I've been able to accomplish with regard to a work-life balance. I really hustle during her naps out of necessity. I also try to use the time when she is in bed for the night. Sometimes I stay up later than I should but it's the only way to still be as productive as I need to be. I'm sure all of this will shift again when I have to be apart from her to teach for several hours, a few days a week.

(all photos taken by my friend Sarah with my camera)

I feel more confident in my ability to mother Emilia. She's so fun and lovable. I'd shout from the rooftops that this girl hung the moon if I could! I have more experience under my belt and have been told by many parents more seasoned than me that she seems extremely pleasant and "easy" in demeanor. As the person who spends the most time with her, I would agree with that assessment but include that even "easy" babies have their moments. And that is ok! Growing up and developing are hard work. It is necessary for me to remain empathetic to and respectful of her needs, while being flexible overall.

Breastfeeding has become such a joy and I feel so fortunate to be able to do it after struggling. Snuggling while nourishing her brings me so much happiness! We have both learned so much and are really good at it now. My milk supply is going through some sort of renaissance where I am again dealing with overproduction. I pump and stash the extras on those days when I have the good sense to do so before I go to bed. She goes to bed between 7-8pm and often sleeps until 6-7am. Sometimes she'll wake once in there to eat. And if I have an inkling that she might wake, I don't pump. But she's unpredictable and when she doesn't wake and I don't pump, I wake up engorged and uncomfortable. I hate having to wake the baby to nurse her if she's slept in, but I do so when I'm otherwise ready to be up for the day. On the nights when she wakes up right after I pump... Ugh. It's usually the start of a long and rough night for me. I'd much rather get engorged!

I still need to go back to the gym (I say with some embarrassment). Physically, I still feel sensitive and tender. I have lingering soreness at my incision and occasional pain on the side that has nagged me most from the beginning. My body is softer and bigger all over. I have definitely lost a lot of muscle tone which explains why the scale says one thing but my mirror says another. My hair is still falling out but in smaller volume than it was during the peak of my losses. I'm trying to be kind but at six months postpartum I honestly thought I would be closer to my previous self. My body is hanging onto the winter weight I gained in advance of pregnancy that I normally have shed by now. I've heard that many women experience this until they wean their babies. I'm in no rush to do that so I really need to adjust my expectations.

Because the weather has been nice, I have been walking a lot more which is good. Most of my summer clothes fit oddly and I'm going through some renewed struggles with body image, in part because summer is a season in which bodies are more visible. When we were in Cleveland, I wore a (technically non-maternity) bathing suit that I had bought last summer to serve as my maternity suit. It felt awkward because that suit is too large while my pre-pregnancy suits remain too small. Every year during the transition from tights season, I feel exposed and uncomfortable. But right now I feel doubly uncomfortable. And dressing to breastfeed continues to present constraints.

Regarding my overall mood, it varies. There are good days and less good days. I wonder in retrospect if I should have really pursued placenta encapsulation to help mitigate the chances for postpartum emotional swings? I tried but after a few initial emails I never heard back from the person I found. I definitely should have pursued counseling after my birth but there didn't ever seem to be enough time (not to mention the logistics of leaving Emilia when she was so little). It's difficult to know if the hard adjustments were due to my recovery from surgery, my emotional state after a traumatic birth, or just a "normal" processing of this new role?

Some long-winded stuff about birth, under a cut...

I was talking with the women in my moms' group about our challenges with birth, breastfeeding, and learning to parent, in general. It occurred to me over our most recent dinner, during which one of the moms said with a heavy heart that she was no longer breastfeeding (after struggling for a long time with supply and latch, eventually pumping exclusively, being a general superwoman at work and home, etc. Needless to say, she is someone I admire deeply!), that it feels especially challenging to relinquish so much control every day.

We are a group of accomplished women who waited longer than many to become mothers. We pursued careers first and became accustomed to doing things well in that sphere of life. We like being good at things! Who doesn't?! We immerse ourselves in research and work with the expectation that when we try hard, we will meet if not exceed our goals. And we approached pregnancy and birth and eventually motherhood with the same enthusiastic attitudes.

All of us are used to being in relative control over our lives. And we come from a reality in which our hard work typically yields a/the result we desire. So when we feel that we have fallen short of our own high expectations; when we feel like we tried our hardest and that was not good enough; when we're reminded that we don't actually have as much control in this arena as we would like... we're hit. Hard. It's a reality check that there might be no narrow paths to "good" mothering. And no certain or universal answers. Whether it be in confronting the unanticipated parts of our birth stories, breastfeeding struggles, sleep issues, internal debates (and external judgments) about parenting decisions, or some other "problem" that doesn't have a singular "answer," we are hit hard. The lessons in surrender are plentiful.

My own albatross remains: birth. I still feel a lot of disappointment in how I "performed," as though birth is a task for which I will have an annual review by my supervisors, with corresponding merit increases or something?! That is so ridiculous. I realize how absurd it sounds! I understand that I did "my best." It's just really difficult to accept that this time "my best" was simply inadequate. And/or that some things are simply beyond my control. If I was on the outside of this, I'd never think a c-section birth was a result of an "inadequate performance." It's so silly that the notion is even remotely one I've been indulging.

As a friend to many women who have given birth since me, in ways closer to what I envisioned for myself, I have struggled privately. I have envied and even self-loathed. Of course, I am so happy for all of them to have met their babies in the most ideal of circumstances! I am so glad everyone is healthy and safe! I would never want to wish the awful that was my birth onto any women and I am so grateful that I am relatively healthy and that Emilia is thriving! But it can feel alienating to be a cautionary tale. It can feel alienating to have lived what for many ranks among their "worst case scenarios" (at least among those examples that involve healthy babies and relatively healthy moms in the end).

I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling pangs of regret and inadequacy when I hear about others' ideal/more ideal birth stories. No matter how you birth, as long as you and baby emerge healthy you get the same prize at the end! But I feel such disappointment that I was never able to do it myself. I wonder about the outcome if I had stayed home longer, getting from 8 to 10 cm without any (unwanted!) interventions to stall me out. I find myself wishing I had done x, y, or z instead of a, b, and c. I worry that it won't be worth the emotional and physical energy in attempting a vaginal birth after c-section (vbac) only to wind up potentially with the same scenario. I feel like my hard work and efforts at growing and laboring her are dwarfed by a c-section birth. I want to get to a place where I can appreciate the active roles I played in pregnancy, labor, and birth. But I'm struggling to acknowledge my agency in a birth that rendered me out of control and passive. A scenario in which I have total lapses in memory due to the amount of medication I received. And the parts I do remember are fuzzy, at best, and haunting, at worst.

I am sure I will get there, someday. At least I hope I will get there. And maybe after I've defended my dissertation I will feel more able to take the time to pursue this struggle with the help of a counselor?

Six Months!

2013-06-03T12:04:00.000-04:00

I am amazed by how quickly Emilia develops and changes. For the sake of documenting, I wanted to share some of her current skills.

She has much more refined motor skills than ever before. She grabs, passes, and reaches for things now. It's especially fun to watch her maneuver a food spear (since we've just started trying Baby Led Weaning).

She enjoys bath time and really loved when we took her swimming. She was splashing and grabbing and laughing with delight.

She loves when we sing and read to her. Sometimes if she is fussing in the car, I will sing "It's You I Like" and she'll calm right down. I've been singing that one to her since she was a week old and we started reading to her around then too. I'm working on a post about our favorite books which will be up soon.

She likes Itsy Bitsy Spider and Paddy Cake. She seems less enamored with peek-a-boo but I don't do that one as often as I should.

She gives baby kisses where she basically leans into you, mouth wide open and you're left with a very slobbery cheek. But you don't care 'cause it is the cutest!

Although when especially hungry, she presumes that every part of my body might "produce" if latched, she has become very adept at tugging on the necklines of my dresses and tops. It's so interesting to see her develop a firmer understanding of where to find her food. Although rooting is a reflex that communicates the same drive, this tugging seems so purposeful. And she's been tugging at my necklines for a while now.

She has so many sounds. Consonant sounds, vowel sounds, growls, squeals, laughs, giggles, little loving grunts, and more. She babbles as though she's really giving us a piece of her mind. This melts my heart and cracks me up.

She knows her name, she knows where to look when I say "puppy," she seems to know daddy and mommy. I try to sign all of these when I say them with the hopes that she will be able to communicate back, soon. Signs I do consistently: milk, more, eat, all done, baby, puppy, and one of the most important ones: ceiling fan! From what I've read, you want to introduce signs that are helpful as well as ones that "matter" to the baby. And ceiling fan has always loomed large in Emilia's hierarchy of favorites.

She is such a roly-poly. Changing her has become challenging because as soon as I take something off, she's flipped over and is scooting away from me. When I watch her on the video monitor, I see her go back and forth and back and forth.

She prefers to sleep on her belly now and no longer gets stuck there which is good.

She loves being supported to stand. When she's standing I recite this little happy rhyme about how tall she is and she smiles and squeals. "Emilia's tall! She's not small. She's so so strong and tall!"

She does full push ups with her arms (if you are familiar with yoga, it's basically the cobra pose) rather than resting on her elbows.

She loves to sit up and can do so by herself if she starts at an angle. She can't get there from laying flat yet. But she's way less wobbly than she was even a week ago.

She kicks like a maniac, while on her back. She loves her feet. She loves to kick around while nursing which can get a little harried because... that's attached to me!!

She's just so fascinating and fun! I love getting to know her personality and feel so lucky to get to witness her develop and grow.

Baby Style

2013-05-30T09:30:00.000-04:00

Barn Organics peplum onesie; Children's Place tutu pants; Trumpette socks

Baby Gap one-piece

Gap bear sweatshirt bunting

Baby Gap dress; Gymboree tights- Trumpette socks

Now that Emilia is six months old, I've had a few opportunities to go through her clothing to sort things that no longer fit. Because she grows so quickly some of my favorite ensembles are only worn a few times.

Tea Collection print I loved so much that I got it in a tunic and one-piece.

My approach to clothes shopping for myself centers on maximizing the "cost per wear." But with baby clothes, that theory holds no water. You just dress them in what you think is cute. And there is a whole lot of cute out there!

Beautiful handmade sweater from my Aunt Sylvia (that I hope will still fit come fall!)

Gymboree onesie and corduroy dress

Old Navy jacket, Etsy wool pants

Marimekko onesie with jeggings

Still, it makes little sense to overspend. I have had good luck finding cute things at Gabriel Brothers, on Ebay, and in the generous hand-me-downs from mom friends. Not to mention the gifts! Oh my goodness, this is a lucky little girl that inspires so much gift-giving in her loved ones (especially the grandmas)! Above are some of my favorite outfits that I was smart enough to photograph with my real (non-phone) camera.

The days are long...

2013-05-16T11:19:00.000-04:00

Our family on Mother's Day at Phipps Conservatory. Photo by my sister.

A few weeks ago, I read an apparently popular description of parenting: "The days are long but the years are short." I'm not sure from where the quote originated. I just know that although I had heard it prior to becoming a parent, I never really got it until now.

I've been a mom for nearly six months. I blinked and suddenly five months elapsed. But it also sometimes feels like I've known Emilia my whole life. While I am still myself and I maintain many of the same interests, desires, and goals, my life is so so different from who I was before her. My priorities are changing. The ways I use and divide my time have shifted. My body is different. My sleep schedule is different. My brain seems a little different. And of course, my days are very different.

To be sure, some of my days are difficult. Some days I long for the mundane ease of so many things I took for granted. But most days I don't have many opportunities to dwell on that subject. When I talk to seasoned moms about how I've adjusted, I say that motherhood is both much harder and thankfully much better than I ever imagined.

The days are long but the months/years are short.

Daughters and Mothers and Grandmothers

2013-05-11T09:30:00.000-04:00

I am my parents' first born child. So I see the reflection of my parents (and my mother, especially) in my own adjustment to being a mom. I think about how my mom (and my dad) must have felt about me the way I feel about Emilia. And I tear up because I just had no idea that anyone could love someone so much. I've always been a sensitive soul but the breastfeeding hormones have made me especially prone to happy and sad tears. And I have a lot of happy ones these days.

Even though I've never doubted or questioned either of my parents' love for their children ... I just didn't know it could feel like this. I didn't know we were loved so much. This nagging, primal, constant love. I love my parents and siblings unconditionally and I love my spouse passionately but I love my daughter with a depth and longing and urge that I can't even adequately describe. When I try to make sense of it I wind up sounding so dorky. "I just think she is the coolest." Or worse, I gush and make people uncomfortable cause I inevitably start getting misty. In an effort to make clear how I feel for her in a relatively concise (and non-tear-inducing) manner, I've taken to telling folks that, "I think she hung the moon." Pretty much.

When I envision my mom in my early days of life, I feel more bonded and connected to her. I feel like I am in on her secret. And she knows that I (now) know. It also makes me have a new perspective of grief over the loss of my maternal grandmother (who's birthday was May 1st and who's own mother inspired Emilia's name). Although she died when I was young, I was very close with my gram. And I've always felt empathy and longing whenever my mom chokes up because x, y, or z made her think of her mom. I've imagined for years what my life would have been like if my gram had lived longer. But now, as I see how wonderful it is to be a mom and how much joy my mom derives from being a gram, I feel as though I understand another aspect of our family's shared loss.

It is always awful to lose a parent, at any age. But my mom was pretty close to my age when she lost hers. And in feeling my heart melt over seeing how my immediate family loves my baby, I am reminded of how devastating it must have been to be deprived of that. My gram was my last living grandparent, and my parents were only parents for a few years while she was alive. I think about how hard it must have been not to have them to call or lean on during tough times. I think about how hard it must have been to never again get to see your baby snuggled and loved on by your parent. I think about how lucky I am to have my mom (and mothers-in-law) around to witness and be sources of support during these special and quickly-moving newborn times.

My mom laments the fact that I am not religious and despite my wonderment over Emilia, I remain fairly agnostic. But something about a baby does bring out my suspended disbelief over some (carefully selected) elements of spirituality. I've never felt more connected to the women in my family, both living and passed.

One of the things my mother has always said to both reassure her children and perhaps herself was that no matter what the circumstance, "your mother is always with you." In doing so, she referred both to the metaphor of enduring parental influence as well as a spiritual afterlife. Now that I too am a mother, I want more than ever for both of those meanings to be true. Regardless, I know my gram would/must think that Emilia hung the moon. Happy Mother's Day to you and yours!

On my first (furry) baby...

2013-05-09T10:30:00.000-04:00

When I went into labor at home, one of things I remember noticing was the concern and confusion it provoked in Speck the dog. She has such an expressive face and the fur above her eyes contrasts just enough that she seems to have eyebrows. So I often interpret a great deal of emotion from her appearance. She's a very sensitive, loving dog. And at this point we have spent many years together as a family. I have said countless times to Chris (and to Speck) that it was Speck that made us a family. I fell in love with her big personality/small package combo. And I've loved caring for her and negotiating pet parenting responsibilities with Chris. Since we adopted her, she's brought us so much joy. She is the first pet for which I bear significant care-giving responsibility so in many ways, she has also deepened my sense of what it means to love. And it was adorable to see how she became protective of me, especially over the course of my pregnancy.

It could have been the cooling temperatures but I prefer to believe that last fall, Speck sensed that changes were afoot. For her, there were even a few logistical ones, such as the lengths of her walks and the size of my lap once my third trimester belly really popped. Although she is a perceptive dog, she didn't seem to notice the change in my belly. As usual, Speck would request a seat in my lap by gently pawing at my leg and I'd oblige, picking her up. Although I couldn't hold her for as long as before, I still held her and joked with Chris that it was good practice for when I'd be filling my lap with two small creatures soon enough.

Since Emilia's birth I've yet to hold them simultaneously, but I have really loved witnessing their process of mutual familiarization. Speck stayed at my parents' house while Chris and I were in the hospital and then getting settled with the baby at home. On the day she met Emilia, our house was full of extended family and crowded with props for our newborn photo shoot. Eventually everyone left and we got to be alone as a family for the first time.

I was still so sore and swollen and overwhelmed by new mom anxieties. I anticipated that Speck would be fine with the baby but I also wanted her to keep some distance from my fragile newborn. Since we slept with Emilia in an in-bed bassinet, Speck could no longer be up with us. And because I went into labor 10 days early (and because I am a procrastinator), I hadn't begun the process of transitioning her out of the bed. For Speck this was all incredibly abrupt and upsetting. That first night, as she paced back and forth from our bedsides, requesting to be lifted onto our/her bed, I sobbed. I felt so guilty.

Now she happily goes to her bed when we retire every evening. And she drops toys at Emilia's feet, expecting fully that her newest pack member will be able to play tug or fetch. It will be so wonderful to see my furry baby playing with my baby baby, once Emilia gets older. I just love them both so much. And I love seeing increasingly how captivated Emilia is by Speck. Watching her walk around and play is one of her favorite things to do right now.

I'm so glad that the integration of my two babies has been successful! I'm leaving for a walk with both of them right now.

Postpartum Favorites

2013-05-02T02:16:00.000-04:00

I already posted about my hospital-related must-haves for postpartum times. But as a savvy shopper, I didn't just raid the freebies in order to make my transition from pregnancy to motherhood go smoothly. I researched and acquired a number of things that became really important.

Within a week of discharging from the hospital, I realized that I absolutely needed nursing gear. Tanks. Bras. Covers. Tops. Dresses. Ointment. Pads (reusable, waterproof, leakproof, disposable, wool/cashmere... every kind I could find). All of it. I was eager to breastfeed but learning how to do so along with my newborn was challenging. Without the support of my loved ones, my lactation consultants, and my stash of nursing-facilitating goodies, I might not have stuck with it.

Bras:
I really need to find the time to go back to A Mother's Boutique in Wexford. The proprietor, Judy has a huge selection of nursing clothing and underpinnings and she is a fit expert! In the meanwhile I bought some cheap and less cheap bras from Target, La Leche League, and Anita.

Tanks:
For sleep, I like Gillian O'Malley from Target. I wore Bravado during the day early on. They are surprisingly supportive for tank tops. I like the additional coverage of the tank and the fact that they make regular tops nursing friendly without exposing one's stomach. But my favorite are the Rumina Hands Free Pump and Nurse Tanks. They are softer than Bravado but as supportive. They have two options for coverage (full and regular which both serve their own useful functions). And they haven't faded the way that my dark colored Bravado tanks have with wash and wear. I will be doing a full review and giveaway on Consume or Consumed very soon so stay tuned!

Breastpads:
My favorite breast pads were the Lansinoh disposables. Although they aren't as environmentally friendly as reusable, they are absorbent, relatively thin, and affordable. They have two sticky tabs per pad so they tend to stay put better than those with just one. They are breathable so the risk of thrush is decreased. They come in bulk quantities. Of the reusable ones, I liked bamboobies. Soft, heart-shaped, discrete. I just worried about their waterproof layer. For night time (since E is a winter baby) the wool pads were helpful in keeping me warm enough. I also have Lilypads (which prevent leaking) but don't plan to use them until I'm back in the classroom.

Breastmilk storage bags:
I tried a few kinds. The Medela ones attached right to my pump. But I prefer the Lansinoh bags because they freeze so nice and flat, making for easy storage and organization of one's stash!

Hands free pump bustier:
So you can pump and work!

High-waisted underwear:
They're not the prettiest panties in the world but the Hanes multipack cotton hipsters in a size up from my pre-pregnancy size were great in that once I was out of the mesh hospital underwear, these were comfy, cheap, and sat above my surgical scar.

A good binder:
At the recommendation of another c-section mom, I went with a Squeem. Although I wasn't crazy about the rubbery smell, it definitely held me in well and it provided the counter pressure I so desperately needed when sneezing or coughing in those early postpartum days. Many women regardless of their birth stories swear by binding to promote the return of their pre-pregnancy shape. Although I didn't get this specific binder until I was about two weeks postpartum, I began binding my stomach while I was still in the hospital. Other than the hospital binder, I used this. I don't know if it made a difference because I have no basis for comparison and my waist remains larger than it was pre-pregnancy but it didn't hurt. The counter pressure was really the most important element for me personally. I do wish I had sized down because although it fit at first, it quickly seemed too large to make a difference shape-wise.

Vitamin E and Lanolin:
To moisturize all over!

A water bottle:
To hydrate. Drink "to thirst" as Kellymom says but "to thirst" when you're breastfeeding is more water than you can imagine. My rule of thumb was to have a glass every time I fed her.

I'm going to do an entire post on diaper bags soon but I want to include my favorite diaper bag. I love that it has stroller straps. More favorites: nursing cover, lightweight scarves (to act as a cover), drapey cardigans, v-neck dresses and tops, layers layers layers, burp clothes.

My Postpartum Saviors: AKA the Moms' Group

2013-04-18T23:05:00.000-04:00

Photo by Sarah from my group

Things are usually very busy with my work in March and April and my social calendar suffers for it, but this time last year I was in total hibernation mode. I had just discovered that I was pregnant and I didn't want to tell anyone this news for fear of jinxing things. But how to find social support during and following pregnancy was a subject that dominated my thoughts even back then. Early into pregnancy I quietly lamented the fact that none of the people in my immediate (i.e. local) social sphere were planning to be (or already were) in the family way. It was a selfish gripe, for sure. But I was dying to confide and commiserate.

Thanks to the brave new world in which we live, I found some camaraderie via semi-private, semi-anonymous online messageboards. They provided an outlet to discuss pregnancy in a seemingly low-risk manner. Should things go south for any reason my secret was still largely safe. Even so, I longed for local buddies.

Pregnancy made me feel alienated in a lot of ways because it is so individual. I felt like I was the only person embodying this specific experience, since pregnancies vary so widely. Viscerally and emotionally, the transitions and anticipation and worry and symptoms were mine to manage. Sure, I could describe them to others but I was the only person living them, 24 hours a day. Meeting other pregnant women "in real life" was difficult but my desire to do so made me overly eager. Whenever possible, I would make eye contact and smile at any other obviously pregnant women (so long as they appeared with hand on the belly, aka the "tell") I spotted. But transitioning from casual "so, when are you due?" chit chat to a fully fledged "lets meet up and be FRIENDS!" request felt impossible! Even getting to the casual chit chat stage was hard.

I wrote in this space about how much I enjoyed my Lamaze class but regretted that the condensed format decreased our chances of making friends with other parents-to-be. And although a few of my girlfriends became pregnant over the course of my own pregnancy, all of them lived far away from Pittsburgh. By late November, I had accepted that I'd likely have to hunt for local preggo comrades via meetup.com or Babycenter's Pittsburgh community. But when I began digging, it was hard to find a group where I thought I'd have more than just "motherhood" in common with the members.*

It was important to me to seek camaraderie with women who I could relate to, that were politically progressive (and hopefully feminist), perhaps a little crunchy, non-judgmental, open-minded, supportive (rather than competitive), and (at least some who were going to be) working. It was a tall order. And with every passing day I was beginning to lose hope.

By the time E was born (10 days early) I felt like my opportunities for commiseration and venting with new moms would be relegated to online communities. It wasn't until my incision check (which occurred on my December 5th due date) that I caught a glimmer of hope.

December 5th was a heavy day for me. It was the day I was due. It was to be my last day of classes for the term. I was dealing with end of term stress, as I tried to administer final assignments and evaluations remotely. All while recovering from major surgery and taking care of my newborn daughter. My upset over Emilia's birth and the treatment I received by one midwife in particular were weighing on me. I knew I had to bring it up to feel a sense of closure about the situation. Knowing that I needed extra support that day, both Chris and my mom came along. My mom watched the baby while Chris accompanied me to the exam room. I wanted to be strong but I sobbed as I voiced my disappointment. I was a mess but it felt good to get it off my chest.

By the time it was over I was emotionally spent and felt physically nauseous. I can't even imagine how I must have looked. As I was leaving the office, I had to go back through the waiting area to schedule my 6 week check up. After I did, a woman named Sarah approached me and introduced herself. She said recognized me from my personal style blog and wanted to say congratulations. She was waiting for her own appointment but for prenatal care. And she was adorably pregnant with her second child. A boy! She was due in a few weeks. She said she first recognized my dress (thank goodness I wore that dress to the appointment) and then realized it was me.

I was frazzled as hell but so eager to meet someone who 1. reads my blog and 2. is a mom with baby number 2 on the way. Just as I was on the cusp of making my very first mom friend since becoming a mom myself, she was called into her appointment. I pleaded that she email me and probably sounded a little unhinged in the context of my frazzled state. Thank goodness she did anyway! That night she said she was thinking about organizing a moms' group. She said she had done it the first time around and found it to be really helpful. I told her I would LOVE to be included. And now five of us meet weekly with our babies. I feel as though I am a better mom and a better partner on the days when I hang with these moms and babies.

We sometimes cry a little. We always laugh. We often find ourselves offering advice and usually commiseration. It is a sympathetic, fun, funny, candid, intelligent, and accomplished bunch. I feel so grateful to know these women. I learn so much from them! I can honestly say that I not only love our group, but I truly have needed these meetings. I lean on these women when I have darker days and I think about them and their babies during the week, wondering how things are going. Pittsburgh is a big small town but I was still surprised by how connected we already were once we got to know one another. It was so serendipitous to have met Sarah that day!

For all of these reasons, I cannot recommend enough that new-moms-to-be seek support, commiseration, friendship, and venting opportunities with others. Although the advice I've received from moms at all stages has been invaluable to me, speaking with new (and also mostly first time) moms who are in the newborn trenches is so so so validating. So legitimizing. So calming. So ... wonderful! I have grown so fond of these women and their babies. I love seeing how the babies change with every week. And I love that I've found friendship and empathy with a group of such smart, thoughtful, kind, and inspiring ladies.

*Having thought this initially, Sarah recently and wisely pointed out that motherhood encompasses so much on its own. It can be so all-consuming. Even if we hadn't found a group of women with whom we share many other commonalities beyond motherhood, I am sure we'd have plenty to discuss. In other words, don't get hung up on finding the perfect group! The most important variable is being able to discuss your experiences in being moms.

My "Mane" Postpartum Complaint

2013-03-25T15:59:00.002-04:00

In January... a fuller time

I know it is spring time so I'd expect this from Speck the dog, but I too am shedding. My hair is everywhere! On my sleeves, in my car, on Emilia's clothes, in otherwise neglected corners of rooms, pooling in my shower drain. Everywhere. It's alarming how much of it I seem to be losing though I am told this is normal. I knew to expect it and also knew that women with longer hair tend to notice the loss more so. That doesn't make it any easier to touch parts of it that I thought were still attached to my head, only to find them instead filling my hands. :(

As mine falls out, E's comes in!

The first time I read about postpartum hair loss from a personal perspective was actually on a style blog. Fellow Pittsburgher, Terra of Stylish White Female wrote candidly about her own postpartum hair and how it effected her sense of self. I guess this is a common experience for women who have had children.

Heightened estrogen levels during pregnancy cause you to retain hair you would typically lose on a day-to-day basis. But the process of regaining equilibrium in the maternal body means that in the months following birth you lose that hair. And practically en masse. I usually really appreciate my hair for its waves and general health but right now I find myself pulling it back into a bun so that I don't have to confront the losses constantly. I am also concerned about the potential for my hair to create a baby tourniquet (i.e. thank you Babycenter, for giving me something else about which to worry!).

Now the dilemma is: to cut or not to cut? I love my long hair in theory but if it is shedding like this and decreasing in volume maybe it is time for something short and sweet?

P.S. Apologies for the title pun but I am trying my best to make light of a frustrating situation.

Consuming Parenthood Featured on PG Playground

2013-03-14T18:00:00.003-04:00

I was so excited to be contacted by reporter, Anya Sostek about being featured on the Post Gazette's staff parenting blog. And the first feature is up today! You can check it out alongside posts from many other Pittsburgh parenting bloggers by visiting the PG Playground.

Also, on Consume or Consumed you can enter to win a gallery wrap canvas print from Signazon, to commemorate a favorite photo of your family, pets, little ones, or anything you like! Check it out here.

Sleep (or lackthereof)...

2013-03-11T23:29:00.001-04:00

"Is she sleeping through the night yet?" "How are you sleeping?" "What's her sleep like?" And so on. And so forth...

The topic of baby sleep inspires countless books, theories, methods, products, and "experts." It stirs controversies and divides opposing factions of parents. It is interesting though unsurprising that many theories and bits of advice about infant sleep run contradictory to one another. "Put the baby down awake." Put the baby down after she's been in your arms for 20 minutes." "Don't put the baby down at all." "Nurse to sleep." "Don't nurse to sleep." The list goes on...

Perhaps that is why sleep is a subject that dominates nearly every conversation about how Chris and I are adapting to our new lives as parents. Friends and family with and without children are eager to hear about our familial sleep habits. And I am a little reluctant to admit that the answer is that things are going surprisingly well. I don't want to jinx us or sound like a braggart. Sure, we have outlier nights when Emilia wakes and wakes and wakes (usually corresponding with a growth spurt) but on the whole, we are all sleeping. Getting her down for the count is the hardest part. But once she is down she's out. She sleeps for a long stretch (between 6.5 and 8.5 hours) that is typically bookended with a few hours on either side. I should say that it was not always like this and I don't anticipate that it will always be like this (especially with the infamous four month sleep regression around the corner). But our current pattern has endured for weeks. Because I'm worried about maintaining my breast milk supply (particularly after I return to work officially), I try to pump at least once during her long stretch.

For me, as an anxious new mom it is an easily interrupted sleep. It is a painfully light sleep. I was a light sleeper before pregnancy and birth. I have trouble winding down when I go to bed. And I have trouble getting back down after I wake. As long as I can remember I have had bouts of sleeplessness that border on insomnia. I identify as a night owl. So even when I'm sleeping while the baby sleeps, mine is not the most restful. That said, it is more plentiful than I anticipated.

People ask me why that is? Why wouldn't I collapse with exhaustion whenever I get the chance? It isn't that I'm not tired. Sometimes I wonder if I am in fact "overtired?" My mind races, contemplating all the things I have to get done and the little time in which I can do them. I am lucky to have a decent chunk of maternity leave from teaching but I still have responsibilities, projects, and research to complete. I have a house to keep up. I have an elderly dog to care for. I have family and friends who are local and understandably want time with the baby as well as us. I have a husband that I want to spend time with. And I stay up thinking about how there are too few hours in a day. Sometimes (in classic new mom fashion) I stay up just making sure my baby is breathing.

I guess I am still adjusting to my new normal but when the stars align and my anxiety clouds part I finally get to sleep ... provided that the baby still is too.

*** Edited to add on May, 16, 2013: Soon after publishing this post, Emilia began the four month sleep regression. So I indeed managed to jinx things by writing about how well everything was going. But the good (and bittersweet) part about babies is that they change so quickly that we emerged once again with a new pattern. Then she figured out how to roll on her stomach from her back and would cry when she would wake up "stuck." Now she's a rolypoly all night long, back and forth, and loves sleeping on her belly. Those have become the "new normals" over the course of the last two months. Who knows how long our current situation will last (She sleeps from around 7:30-1, eats and is down again until 7. Though last night she slept from 8:30-6am)? She is on the cusp of her six month birthday and I sense that teething is around the corner...

Postpartum Favorites: Hospital Edition

2013-02-26T10:30:00.000-05:00

In the lobby of the hospital on check-out day!

Today, Emilia is three months old! That also means I am three months postpartum and I finally can say that I feel like myself (albeit breastfeeding, albeit softer everywhere except my arms, albeit now I am a mom!!!). I am still working on my consumer hits of pregnancy post but I wanted to share some favorites of the postpartum period.

First of all, I should acknowledge that my advice and postpartum experience are unique to my own circumstances. A c-section delivery after a vaginal birth attempt (with hours of unsuccessful pushing) has its own unique ramifications that may differ from an exclusive vaginal or surgical birth. And a vaginal birth with episiotomy or tearing will have other unique postpartum recovery needs with which I am unfamiliar.

Before I talk about the things I've bought (in a future post), I want to suggest something that might sound a little tacky on its surface. I am recommending it anyway. If you are planning a hospital birth, I highly endorse raiding the hospital's supply goodies to set yourself up for postpartum times. Most hospitals will give new moms some key things for baby (diapers, wipes, a nasal aspirator, swaddling blankets, formula if applicable, etc.) and you should obviously take that stuff. It is encouraged! But there are plenty of goodies to help ease mom's recovery and transition to home, also. And at least in my experience, that stuff was ok to take too!

First a word about the hospital stay itself -- As a person fortunate enough to be insured for medical care, I knew I was paying my inpatient hospital deductible whether I stayed one night or three. When they offered early discharge I declined it. Some people want to be at home asap. I was not among them. If you remove the pain, discomfort, and emotions, my hospital stay felt not entirely unlike staying in a hotel. I had a private room, a pull out chair/bed for Chris (who stayed with me), helpful and experienced nurses, a lactation consultant, (surprisingly delicious) meals, and a lot of emotional support. Maybe I would have felt differently without the surgery? Or if the rooms were shared? But staying allowed both of us to ease into this new life. Although I still have hard feelings about my birth, I have fond memories of my inpatient hospital stay.

Favorite hospital goodies:
-Human-sized washable, waterproof "puppy pads" -- to save your sheets at home during your recovery and/or to use as baby changing pads on the fly.
-Large sanitary napkins -- regardless of the type of birth, these are useful.
-Mesh underwear -- soft, disposable, comfortable as hell, practical.
-Icepack pads -- to ease swelling.
-Squeezable cleansing bottle -- to help keep everything clean and sterile, gently.
-Pain relief -- this wasn't free but as a person who never had major surgery before I was not about to martyr myself by refusing to fill the prescriptions I was given.
-Belly binder -- c-section moms can request this but I also know vaginal birth moms who swear by it. Some say it helps nudge your shape back to what it was before pregnancy. I know I needed it for counter-pressure against my incision. When the swelling went down and my hospital binder was too big, I even bought a smaller one so I could keep binding. It made a huge difference in my ability to cough, laugh, sneeze, and get up and down stairs with less pain. I am not sure if hospitals will green light these for everyone but I liked theirs better than the one I brought with me.
-Warm non-slip socks -- The ones I brought were too fuzzy and thick. The hospital-provided pair was just right.
-Lansinoh Lanolin -- To help soothe your nipples if you are breastfeeding.
-Medela spare pump parts kit -- The lactation consultant brought a giant pack of sterile parts to me when I began pumping (with the amazing hospital grade pump) to stimulate supply. Almost everything is compatible with my pump at home. The kit also came with a hand pump that I am glad to have for trips when I don't want to bring my electric one.

Although (other than the pumps) none of the above costs a ton of money, it was so convenient to bring all of the above comfort materials home with me. I didn't have to track anything down. I didn't have to wait for shipping or get someone to run errands for me. I came home feeling really set up for postpartum recovery. And recovery was still difficult and uncomfortable. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been without my hospital stash!

Inheritance and the future

2013-02-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

Once I knew I wanted to have a family with Chris, I began daydreaming about it... what it would be like, how our hypothetical children would look, who they would take after, etc. And when I was pregnant and this family was becoming a reality, we spoke and joked frequently about the various qualities that we hoped the little one would inherit. I said I wanted her to have my thick wavy hair and Chris's long legs. I hoped she would have Chris's work ethic and sense of optimism alongside my capacity for empathy.

Now that she is here and beginning to show more personality with every day, it is so amazing. I feel like she's a little chameleon with a face that shifts in resemblance among the faces of people I love most. I see Chris's and my mother-in-law's eyes. I see my mom's and my sister's mouths. I see my hands, my face shape, and my long nail beds.

I love seeing Emilia change and grow but it happens so rapidly. Sometimes it feels like it is happening too rapidly. For me, early motherhood has entailed this mixed bag of constant anticipation coupled with a nagging desire to slow down time. I want to savor every moment of her littleness and breathe her in each day. But I also want her to thrive. It's complicated I guess.

I asked my dad about this the other day because I was feeling especially protective of right now. I asked him if it is hard to watch your little ones grow and grow... to a point where you can no longer sweep them up and cuddle and snuggle them? The thought that she won't always fit in my arms... The idea that our physical closeness won't last forever... I anticipate the longing I will someday feel in missing those things. I imagine the longing my parents (and especially my mom) must feel for the close intimate moments with their babies. Just like one of Emilia's books articulates, you almost want to "keep them little." I knew I couldn't talk to my mom about this without sobbing like the sap that I am so I steeled myself as much as possible and said to my dad, "Is it hard to watch your children grow? In a way, don't you just want them (i.e. us) to be little forever?"

At first he joked that by the time they grow up, you as their parent badly need a break. He's right because so many aspects of this time are exhausting, no doubt. But then he paused for a moment and said reassuringly that as parents you grow with your children and whatever it is that they do in that moment becomes the best, most exciting, and sweet thing. That makes sense to me too. It has been my (albeit brief) parental experience that the stuff that I treasure absolutely corresponds with time as it elapses. But those new happy feelings don't diminish or supplant the joy felt for everything that has occurred thus far. It just makes the transitions of her growth less bitter and more sweet.

I may feel like I want to slow down time but no part of me would ever dream of holding Emilia back. I guess I am trying to say that I can and I cannot wait to see who she will be tomorrow and the next day and the next.