ctrl, alternative, del

Style Icon: Malik Akerman as Laurie Juspeczyk in "The Watchmen"

2012-10-04T14:15:00.001-07:00

The graphic novel world is rich with visual muses, especially when translated to screen. Often the fashion industry dismisses the super heroine style realm as kitschy rather than couture. However, what is rarely understood is that beyond the mask these superwomen are super human women who own wardrobes that don't cater to these male-originated, oversexualized fantasies of beauty. In fact, these wardrobes just might make Carrie Bradshaw wish she didn't have Mr. Big as her life crusader, so that he isn't the one who builds her walk-in closet. (Sex in the City: The Movie, anyone?) While "The Watchmen's" costume designer Michael Wilkinson succeeded in replicating more oversexualized aesthetic in Silk Spectre II's costume (for the sake of authenticity, I'm sure), he dresses her human alter ego, Laurie Juspeczyk, as a style icon of the ages.

Laurie Juspeczyk is harnessing the powerful style presence of her predecessor, Audrey Hepburn á la Breakfast at Tiffany's with her raincoat and LBD, but converting these classic pieces into looks with a steel edge. Laurie's look converts bondage from the Bond Girl aesthetic by creating mystery and danger with wayfarers and a military beret. The raincoat not only protects from the elements, but defends with a metallic brown sheen on a more modern leather texture.

The softer side to Laurie's super wardrobe can be seen through her interpretation of the LBD--the "Little Black Dress." While these screenshots are not at all sufficient to displaying Miss Juspeczyk's various outfits (apparently, comic book fans online are not particularly interested in costume and wardrobe), it is more than apparent that art deco is the style god that Michael Wilkinson worships at the altar of. There is no other god more worthy for this fall season. Pamela Love and her new art-deco inspired fall line of jewelry also agree about this nostalgic return to an architectural giant (see: http://www.vogue.com/vogue-daily/article/heart-of-steel-pamela-loves-new-industrial-art-decoinspired-fall-2012-collection/#1). How can superwomen not find beauty in the skyscrapers of our past? These goddesses must sit around their penthouse offices, wondering when in their careers did men become ants and touching the sky was more attainable. These matte gold pieces decorate Laurie with these lofty ideas in a way that is both empowering and softly sentimental.

Inspired by a new fall wonder woman aesthetic, I just might be prepared to face any national disaster, the Mayan end-of-the-world debacle, and the outcome of this year's elections.

Love,
Heidi

How to Fall in Love in Silicon Valley: Date #1

2012-10-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

As the self-proclaimed president of the Forever Alone Society, I have had my fair share of kissing my mom at midnight on New Year’s and organizing singles-only Valentine’s Day sleepover parties, where I wake up alone with obscene things drawn on my face and the menu screen of “Bring It On” playing in the background. So when a sexy Scottish fitness trainer (let’s call him “Braveheart”) asked me out for coffee, I took full advantage and planned a date that was unlike any he’d ever been on, which sparked this new summer dating series.

I decided to take on the new journalistic project of experimenting with various date ideas and chronicling these misadventures in an article. It is my fondest hope that you ditch your drab movie-and-dinner date plans and opt for an outing that has a second-date guarantee.

As a brave dater myself, and with my previous amateur competitive eating experience, I decided to take Braveheart to watch me tackle the Hellfire Challenge at the SmokeEaters wing bar in Cupertino: 12 hot wings coated in black inferno hot sauce in 10 minutes without water or napkins. You do need to sign a waiver releasing all your legal rights to sue the restaurant for any unexpected bleeding of orifices or accidental contamination of your eyes with the sauce, but it is definitely worth it for an extra-large victory T-shirt.

Unfortunately, after a wing and a bite of Hellfire, I started bawling in a restaurant full of spectators who laughed at my defeat and then resumed watching La Liga on the high-definition TVs. However, this is the perfect opportunity for brave date-goers to lick hot sauce off each other’s fingers and experience a hot summer night unknown to the likes of Northern California. Braveheart received extra points for bringing me a lifetime’s supply of Pepto Bismol and running to the nearest convenience store for milk.

The perfect follow-up to the hot-and-heavy Hellfire Challenge is a cool-down nighttime swim at Half Moon Bay. The journey, a mere 45-minute drive from Cupertino, provides a romantic interlude for a million conversations to unfold. Listen to Frank Ocean’s sweet crooning on his new album “channel ORANGE” and let the serenade set an atmosphere for the late night. On the walk down to the beach, it is essential that you guide your date down the rocky pathway and take the opportunity to hold her hand. I offered Braveheart a piggyback ride and won him over with my bravado. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, go skinny-dipping and reenact that honeymoon scene in “Breaking Dawn.” Afterward, keep each other warm on the beach with proximity and conversation. Be kind to each other; the NorCal summer nights are Siberia brutal.

It’s the formula for a winning first date and a guaranteed second. Braveheart is already planning our next outing.

For some sadistic fun, watch Man vs. Food's Adam Richman take on the Hellfire Challenge.

Love,
Heidi

"Blonde Hair, Don't Care:" A Review on Marina and the Diamonds' "Electra Heart"

2012-10-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in every post-breakup ritual when a girl gets angry, changes her hair color and becomes vocal about vengeance. During an era of Adele withdrawals, Marina and the Diamonds’ second album, “Electra Heart,” and I met at this particular intersection. Together, we’ve survived botched pixie cuts, peroxide-blonde dye jobs, the transition from student to unemployment and a bevy of Mr. Not-So-Rights. The concept album “Electra Heart” summons Marina’s alter ego–a shadow sister called Electra Heart–who has chopped and screwed her long dark locks for a Madonna-like hairstyle and sound. No longer the quirky alterna-girl who asked, “Why would you want to be a Hollywood wife?” in her 2010 single “Hollywood,” the new Marina has assumed the caricature of “housewife, beauty queen, home-wrecker, idle teen,” but she does so as a sacrificial model to the wreckage of male expectations.

In her opening track, “Bubblegum Bitch,” Marina welcomes you to the life of Electra Heart in true power-punk fashion, with an upbeat tempo and diabetic-sweet lyrics like “Candy vest, sweetie pie, wanna be adored / I’m the girl you die for.” However, her lemonade lyrics aren’t without bite, as she follows that stanza with lyrics on the reality of an unhealthy love: “I chew you up and I spit you out / ‘Cause that’s what your love is all about.”

The insatiable lead single “Primadonna” follows with an orchestra of the disco-house beat and synth that overpopulates radio today, but she revamps it to create a more original, operatic sound á la Florence Welch. Essentially, this homage to high-maintenance diva status doesn’t make me want to duct-tape my ears shut like Lana del Rey does with her melancholy belting. For those unable to translate my hyperboles, “Primadonna” is pretty great as far as generic catchy singles go.

“Radioactive” has a similar synth and house vibe, but with a more powerful urgency to remove pleasantries and approach darker sentiments without the satirical guise. She confronts her ex-lover’s duplicity with an accusatory directness: “In the night your heart is full / And by the morning empty / Well baby, I’m the one who left you, you’re not the one who left me.” If that isn’t a scorned woman’s anthem, then Alanis Morissette has always been lucky in love. (Two-word-disaster: Dave Coulier.)

Both self-destructive and fiercely honest, “Electra Heart” is a dialogue of the post-breakup rage and “man-sanity” that has inspired testaments of talent throughout music history (Joan Jett, the godmother of punk, would not approve of this kind of blasphemy). If this hyperbole seems overwrought with fan-girl worship, Marina and the Diamond’s “Electra Heart” can at least be designated as a great soundtrack for ex-boyfriend effigy burning, mixed martial arts training and target practice. Save your internship money from Katy Perry’s watered-down electro-pop on the big screen and download “Electra Heart” instead.

Love,
Heidi

Thanks, Quirky Girls.

2012-06-07T02:23:00.001-07:00

Look, Ma! They like me, they really like me!

A fellow quirky girl--my twin and future schoolteacher, Jack--pointed this little phenomenon out after google searching "snl pixie girl."

A mighty quirky thanks to all those whose readership has placed my blog entry on Manic Pixie Dream Girls on the top four search items on Google for "snl pixie girl" or perhaps even other searches.

Despite being the most inconsistent blogger on the interwebs, your support has given me the motivation to continue writing. As I approach graduation day, I can only imagine all the free time I have for blogs. So keep faith, readers. Lady Alt will return for the summer time!

Love,
Heidi

Uncommon Application

2012-05-11T10:59:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of Mumbo

O hai, readers.

As a Stanford student and a participant in the Silicone Valley tech industry, technology in the social sphere is something unavoidable. Everyone and their mother believe that they can create the next great app, and with accessibility of DIY app interfaces, everyone and their mother--maybe their grandmother, too--can wade in the digital tide.

With the multitude of apps in the Mac App Store and Android Market, how do we find the apps that have the most nuanced concepts and the best user interface? It's a mad, mad, mad world out there, and I'm here to lighten your burden and start you off with my top 5 uptrending apps from different categories, ranging from social sharing to eReaders.

1. Social Sharing: Mumbo--Think Instagram, but with more personality and less gratuitous self portraits.
This free social sharing app allows you to to share and edit your photos with filters and stamps, generate memes, share your location, and start interactive polls on multiple social networks, customizable friend groups, or one-on-one. Available for iOS, Android, and the Web.

2. Fashion: Poshmark--Your neighborhood swap meet in the palm of your hands.This free fashion shopping app allows you to sell and buy used and new clothes á la eBay's auction model and set up swap meet parties called Posh Partys with your neighborhood Poshmark community. The posting process is seamless and easy-to-use with picture filters to posh up the look of your old wardrobe. Available for iOS.

3. Restaurant & Food Guides: Foodspotting--Find and recommend dishes, not just restaurants.
This free and delicious restaurant guide allows you to visually taste dishes and menus from your local neighborhoods with user-uploaded pictures of favorite dishes to accompany restaurant reviews. Another perk to the app is that you can read views of local restaurants from food critics like Anthony Bourdain. Available for iOS, Android, Blackberry, and the Web.

4. Games: The Oregon Trail: American Settler--Because dying of dysentery is just as fun now as it was when you were in third grade.This free gaming app allows you to relive the floppy disk days of your childhood and play a resource-gathering and village-building simulation of the Oregon Trail adventure with your own customizable crew and wagon. The mini games have expanded to more than just squirrel and bison hunting. The lucky pioneer in you can now fish for trout and create your own frontier village. Available for iOS and Android.

5. eReader: Comics--An ideal app for The Avengers bandwagoner.This free eReader app allows you to read your favorite comic books--excuse me, graphic novels--with their patent Guided View technology that presents each page on a panel-to-panel sequence. Their library includes 500 free comics, along with a library of over 20,000 graphic novels from famous publishers like Marvel and DC. Available for iOS and Android.

In the future, there might just be an app for every and any functional process, from brushing your teeth to regularly monitoring your flatulence. One day, we might even succumb to full integration with our iPhones (trust me, there are some middle school girls out there who are oh-so-close to a civil union with their smartphones).

As someone ethically devoted to the ye olde convention of paper, pen, and literature and an employee of a tech startup, I am quite content on being a fully functioning and independent human being with the convenient ability to find the best burrito in the Mission with the drop of a pin.

Love,
Heidi.

La Donna Sees the Light: A Music Review

2012-03-16T16:58:00.009-07:00

  On an intimate stage in San Francisco, Amazonian redhead and indie music sweetheart Katy Goodman crooned the words “waiting to tell you I can’t ever be with you so run back to her, love, because it’s over now” in her deceptively sweet surf pop, inspiring the crowd of the hip and young to show fervor in their swaying. Later in the set, she uses the same siren voice to introduce a song about death, coating her new breakup album, La Sera Sees the Light, with enough granules of dream pop sugar to rot your ex’s teeth. Last Wednesday, Stanford’s own KZSU sponsored a show with indie band La Sera at San Francisco’s Rickshaw Stop, a dimly lit music venue and bar that resembled a barnyard distillery in Portland, complete with bearded patrons and their tattooed maidens.
            Since I was punctual and uniformed with the etiquette of shows, I had the pleasure of being greeted by the lead singer Katy Goodman at the merchandise table, as she charmed me into purchasing her new album and the obligatory t-shirt. She talked about the benefits of living in sprawling Los Angeles, and I handed her half of my paycheck for a few minutes of her down-to-earth monologue about gentrification. Then, I spent the first hour listening to the audio filth of local band, Swiftumz, and the second hour with Los Angeles band, Cold Showers, whose 1970s post-punk sound succeeded in washing away the resentment I felt from the previous band.
            At 11pm, La Sera assumed their rightful place on stage. My feet miraculously forgave me for standing for two hours because my ears were reliving the bittersweet highs and lows of the breakup experience for all twentysomethings. Her show featured the music of her new album along with a few tracks from her self-titled “La Sera”, weaving the new work’s grittier and more aggressive sound with the dreamy landscape of old favorites like “Never Come Around” and “Devils Hearts Grow Gold.” The highlight of the night was when Katy stepped down from the platform to perform a guitar solo among her fans and then allowed an inebriated audience member to dance alongside her on stage. The same inebriated girl succeeded in elbowing me in the face, which would have ended in a back alley brawl if I didn’t consider the prospect of being kicked out in the middle of the set. When La Sera performed her newest single off the album, the crowd was suffocating in movement, feeding off the barrage of the drums and Katy’s voice hovering above the instrumentals. At that very moment, I—as a witness to La Sera’s great musical power—was seized by the intoxicating sentiment that breakups should feel this empowering.
            After the show and the high, I asked her what she thought of San Francisco. She smiled earnestly and said, “In my opinion, San Francisco is one of the greatest cities in our country.” After last Wednesday, I think San Francisco thinks you’re pretty great, too, Katy Goodman.

For those who haven't listened to La Sera before, follow this link to her new spaz-dance, time-lapse frenzy of a music video for "Please Be My Third Eye."

La Sera's "Please Be My Third Eye" on YouTube

Love,
Heidi.

On Trying to be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl in the Real World

2012-02-13T14:56:00.001-08:00

Natalie Portman, the Poster Girl for MPDG

Bonjour, readers!

It's been a long time since I've compiled a decent few words together in some semblance of an entry, but wrangling together the last few months of college has taken up a decent amount of my time. But lo and behold, I've been recently inspired by Valentine's Day, the recent Zooey Deschanel SNL skit, and my new pixie cut to write a piece on the dreaded MPDG (Manic Pixie Dream Girl) disease that has plagued me for the last four years in college.

Let's go backwards in time, shall we?

While committing to my usual plan for procrastination on Monday (eat cafeteria Greek food illegally at the tech library while watching the most recent SNL episode at a time when I should be in class), I stumbled upon Zooey Deschanel's satirical skit on Manic Pixie Dream Girls, titled "Bein' Quirky with Zooey Deschanel."

For those who want to watch it before continuing on with the article, please click on this link: http://www.hulu.com/watch/328553/saturday-night-live-bein-quirky-with-zooey-deschanel

The highlight of the entire skit was when Kristen Whig as Bjork presents the knitted sweater she made from the labor of her loins (quite literally, her labia might have been operating that needlepoint) and says "I made a sweater for an octopus, plus I left one extra hole for its dreams and ideas!" While I laughed at that (and the on-point Michael Cera-Mickey Mouse impersonation), I soon realized that in another life I could have said that exact same thing without any pretense. The only difference between Bjork and me is that I would have no excuse for the lunacy because I don't live inside an SNL skit (thank God) and I'm not Icelandic.

But before we can even ruminate the dilemma of living as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl in the real world, let's define what MPDG is:

1. She probably smells like cookies and a patch of wildflowers.
2. Her soul was born in the 1950's. Or at least her wardrobe is.
3. If you're a boy with emotional hangups, I would stay far away from her. She'll try to make you a better man with her spontaneity and free spirit and her impulsive disrespect for corporate life.
4. Film critic Nathan Rabin coined the term after seeing actress Kirsten Dunst in the 2005 movie Elizabethtown. The Manic Pixie is "that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."

In film, she's a stock character that implements change and external force upon the more complexly portrayed, human male lead while never really changing herself. Why should she change? The Manic Pixie Dream Girl is essentially perfect, right? Her bodily gases are the burps of butterflies or infant teddy bears, and her eyes are bigger than the eye of Sauron framed in between eyelashes made out bridge cable wire.

In high school, as a studious and socially-disabled misfit, I watched Audrey Hepburn flutter about with mobsters in Breakfast, Barbra Steisand commit a chain of illegal accidents that lead to love in What's Up, Doc?, and Natalie Portman compulsively lie her away into a romance with Zach Braff (not worth it) in Garden State. While any sane man would not dignified their "free-spirited" behaviors in the real world, every leading man in film found something utterly and beautifully profound about a woman whose doe-eyed spontaneity was above the law.

As a 14-year-old girl with a thicker mustache than her Hispanic male peers, I dreamed of a day when I could change a tall, brooding, and swarthy leading man (eye-patch and billion-dollar estate in one package) as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. The idea of MPDG allowed me to retain all the same strange quirks that labeled me as an outcast in society (my crocheting, love for grammar and literature, and knowledge of popular culture from the 40's on) while deeming me an aesthetically pleasing gem of society. What's not to love?

The very definition is what makes the reality of an MPDG improbable and unsustainable: she is an "idea," a modern siren. She embodies in many ways all the qualities we love about ourselves and all the qualities we aim to become; in many other ways, she is everything that we don't want to become. She is lovable and funny and quirky, but the idea of MPDG doesn't account for when she's having a bad day, when she wants to be quiet, when she has nothing to say and wants to feel utterly boring and average, when she's having her heartbroken and she just loses the guy (period, without a sequel or a redeeming ending). Girls in the real world can embody the MPDG ideal of cinema to the best of their ability, but that doesn't protect them from being dumped in college and having the leading man marry the woman he met online when he's 30.

To all the Manic Pixie Dream Girls in the real world, embrace your quirky: knit that Christmas sweater for your teacup pig, bake apple pies in the shape of celebrity faces, date only bearded redheads so that you can pretend that you're a baby bird living in his nest of hair, have woodland animals dress you up in the morning, pray at your alter of worship to Natalie Portaman, poster goddess of MPDG. But, keep in mind that you're a microcosm of other emotions and opinions and that life is perpetually a series of good and bad endings: it's okay to be boring or generic if you have nothing to say, it's okay that you look like you're constantly menstruating for a month, it's okay to wear black, it's okay that you like trashy reality television, it's okay to not shave your armpits, it's okay if you want to be the brooding, emotional, and cynical leading man of your own story.

Love,
Heidi.

P.S. -- As promised, a picture of my new manic pixie haircut.

A Momentary Lapse in Judgement: A Movie Review of "In Time"

2011-11-01T04:18:00.000-07:00

The new Smirnoff campaign?

There comes a time in every woman's life (at least the ones born in the 90's) when she can no longer live with the blind celebrity worship of Justin Timberlake and finally admit that he has the acting ability of a lawn chair--albeit a sexy, flexible one. Surprisingly, for me, it wasn't during his cameo performance in The Social Network or even during that farce of a romantic comedy with Mila "Raccoon Face" Kunis. My right of passage happened after watching his latest movie, In Time, a science-fiction film set in a world where the problem of overpopulation is solved by allotting time as currency. While human beings in this alternate world stop aging at 25, they only have another year left to live--unless they work for additional time or were born in temporal wealth. Justin Timberlake stars as the underprivileged protagonist, Will Salas, hell-bent on destroying the system while winning the heart of the heiress Sylvia Weis (Amanda Seyfried) who is ironically born to benefit the system.

For those experiencing Inception withdrawals, "In Time" might seem like a remedy to those epic psychological-drama blues, but it's not. If you're experiencing "romantic-comedy with actors of no comedic timing" withdrawals, then I do suggest you pay $10 to watch a mediocre script with elementary dialogue as interpreted by middle school talent.

However, I do give writer-director Andrew Niccol, the same talent who wrote Gattaca and The Truman Show, some credit for his tantalizing rumination on the concept of remaining forever young. His film had every potential to be an intelligent dialogue on capitalism and its relationship with biological advances, but its interpretation on screen was too much Hollywood, as if the value of entertainment exceeded the need for character development or motivation. The characters were based on caricatures of a Hollywood cliche in an alternative universe, and to make matters worse, these characters were played by a young cast with little chemistry. However, the performance of Cillian Murphy as the antagonizing Timekeeper was on par with his acting on the Inception set. Murphy provided momentary relief between Justin Timberlake's poorly-delivered lines and the gratuitous display of Amanda Seyfried's hoisted breasts.

Despite what seems like an unfavorable review, I would recommend this movie for those interested in an entertaining and unintentional action-comedy based on a promising, but unfulfilling sci-fi concept. I laughed... when I wasn't supposed to. I cried... over the Chipotle burrito that I couldn't buy because I spent the money on a movie ticket. Overall, the film "In Time" could potentially change your life, like it changed mine. Now, I know that even I am equipped to write a million-dollar Hollywood screenplay, starring red-carpet studs like Justin Timberlake, and potentially Channing Tatum, because I haz able to read and write English good.

Love,
Heidi

Mixed Tape: Twin Sister

2011-09-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of the Twin Sister website

There comes a time in any audiophile's life when a particular band inspires an euphoric, un-hip feeling of falling in love for the first time, where every song feels like spending two hours getting ready for your first date and every lyric feels like that moment when you realize that the object in his pocket pressing against you isn't his wallet. The New York-based band Twin Sister inspires all the giddy feelings of your teenage years without the acne on Prom night and the makeout sessions with braces.

If Long Island Iced Tea was the only thing you liked about Long Island, Twin Sister will convert you throughly with their disco-inspired indie pop.

I am more of a "let the music speak for itself" type of audiophile. Therefore, I am going to bombard this entry with my favorite Twin Sister songs, and you can just bask in the glow of music that doesn't try too hard to impress, but ends up winning you over at the end of your encounter.

Twin Sister's
"All Around and Away We Go"

Twin Sister's
"Lady Daydream"

Twin Sister's
"Phenomenons"

If you are completely won over and spend a gratuitous amount of money on live shows, concerts, and music festivals, Twin Sister is finishing up their summer U.S. tour and starting their European tour. In fact, they are performing at The Rickshaw Shop tonight in my home turf of San Francisco. Yes, I am slapping myself upside the head with a raw fish because I am bitter and batty about missing Outside Lands, Best Coast, and Twin Sister frolic in my native Bay Area. Nothing this cool ever happens when I'm in town. I think I'm magnetically attracting boredom.

If you're interested in stalking them across the continent United States and then the more glamorous parts of Europe, check out their show schedule: Twin Sister Official Website - Tour Dates.

Go forth and spend your paycheck from working part-time at Urban Outfitters on something not ironic.

Love,
Heidi

The “Morgan Freeman’s Bucket List Pails in Comparison” Bucket List

2011-09-03T01:08:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson

I am an avid fan of lists. It's like a security blanket for a messy pretentious person who wants some illusion that he or she is capable of organization. I make so many of them that they work better as origami paper than anything else.

I am also an avid fan of life. Since it's laundry day, I can't do much else but make bucket lists and watch Korean soap operas. Therefore, today, I present to you my "Morgan Freeman's Bucket List Pails in Comparison" bucket list. I am posting it online because I have every intention of finishing this list and sharing every achievement with you, my readers. Currently, I've accomplished only one of the things on my list: get a tattoo. However, because I am an anomaly in my female species and don't have a camera attached to my hand 24/7, I don't have any pictures of that epic adventure. I do intend on going back to that tattoo parlor and re-enacting the whole experience so that I can have a picture (minus the pain, the blood, and the $159 charge to my credit card).

Why am I doing this? Is this some ploy to wrangle in readership?

Yes. Maybe. No.

I do believe in the incredible power of a list to motivate an individual into living out a beautiful, full life. There are so many experiences in this world that color and enrich a life. I think we just need to be reminded to carpe diem before we fall into a lackluster routine of the things we need to do and forget about the things we want and love.

Hopefully, this list will motivate you to make your own and live a good life. Don't get anchored to a mediocre life. Dream impossibly. I come from a single-parent household which taught me many things about ambition, discipline, hard work, and struggle. My mother once said, "Dream big and dream often. Your dreams are free, so have as many of them as you can."

I live by this every day. This type of thinking led me to a prestigious university, the greatest opportunities in life, my Euro travels, my study abroad experiences, a not-so-wonderful guy, a wonderful man, the inner confidence to be the woman I am today, my career opportunities, my future. I never limited myself to my hometown, my race, my gender, my appearance, my height, my ethnicity, my economic background. Limitations are how unsuccessful people measure their failures. That could possibly be a quote by someone more important out there, but since I'm not aware of its ownership and I just made it up on the spot, it's mine. Copyrighted, patented, and such. Feel free to post it on your Facebook status.

With no further ado, I give you:

The “Morgan Freeman’s Bucket List Pails in Comparison” Bucket List
1. Attend Burning Man.
~~2. Attend Coachella Music Festival.~~
~~3. Attend Treasure Island Music Festival.~~
4. Attend Outside Lands Music Festival.
5. Attend Austin City Limits Music Festival.
6. Attend Glastonbury Music Festival.
7. Attend a World Cup.
8. Attend a Summer Olympics.
9. Attend one of the games of the NBA Finals (hopefully the one that counts).
10. Attend a Super Bowl.
11. Attend a MLS Final.
12. See the Northern Lights.
13. See the Grand Canyon.
14. Swim in the Great Barrier Reef.
15. See the pyramids in Egypt.
16. Kiss in a gondola at sunset underneath the Bridge of Sighs in Italy.
17. Attend the Carnival of Brazil in a flashy costume.
18. Attend gay pride parades all over the world.
19. See the Amazon Jungle.
20. See the Mayan and Incan ancient ruins.
21. Attend the annual Valentine’s Day pillow fight in San Francisco.
22. Spend New Years in Times Square.
23. Go to a comic book store on the first Saturday in May and get a free comic book on Free Comic Book Day.
24. Visit Italy.
25. Visit Greece.
26. Visit Thailand.
27. Visit Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
28. Visit Paris, France.
29. Visit Berlin, Germany.
30. Visit, Hawaii, USA.
31. Visit Seattle, USA.
32. Visit Portland, USA.
33. Visit Vancouver, Canada.
34. Visit Chicago, USA.
35. Visit Barcelona, Spain.
36. Visit New Orleans, USA.
37. Visit Miami, USA.
38. Visit Japan.
39. Visit the twin cities in Minnesota.
40. Visit Cape Town, South Africa.
41. Go to Vegas with reckless people.
42. Excel at snowboarding.
43. Excel at surfing.
44. Excel at kickboxing/Muay Thai.
45. Learn how to play guitar.
46. Learn how to cook.
47. Learn how to make bread.
48. Go skydiving.
49. Go bungee jumping.
50. Be an extra in a (zombie/post-apocalyptic) movie.
51. Revisit New York for all my old haunts.
52. Be lifelong healthy and lean.
53. Get a tattoo.
54. Be a lifelong water drinker.
55. Stop coloring my hair.
56. Grow my hair to my ribcage.
57. Run a marathon, half-marathon, or charity walk/jog.
58. Run Bay to Breakers.
59. Attend Lovefest in San Francisco.
60. Participate in a beauty pageant.
61. Get rid of my acne scars.
62. Have my book published.
~~63. Graduate from Stanford University.~~
64. Adopt an animal from the pet shelter.
~~65. Rent my first apartment.~~ 66. Frame the first paycheck of my first full-time job.
67. Save half of every paycheck in my savings.
68. Own a house with a backyard.
~~69. See Warpaint perform.~~
70. Marry my soulmate, or the very least, be with him for as long as forever.
71. Get a prenup.
72. Have beautiful babies with my soulmate.
73. Design my dream home.
74. Own a BMW.
75. Start a scholarship fund named after my grandmother.
76. Pay my mother back for all her efforts in raising me.
77. Crowd surf.
~~78. Go to every Big Game (Cal vs. Stanford college game) as an undergrad.~~
79. Start a scholarship for Stanford undergrads.
~~80. Join the marching band in college.~~
~~81. Get hired for my first full-time job.~~
82. Get promoted.
83. Be an extra in a (zombie/post-apocalyptic) movie.

84. See Jenny Lewis in concert.
~~85. Attend a showing of Austin City Limits.~~
86. Get money from street performing and then buy a homeless man a meal with it.
87. Get a fashion editorial job.
88. Dance in a flash mob.
89. Experience the big gesture.
90. Own a hammock.
91. Own a rocking chair.
92. Own a bar.
93. Retire early.
94. Live in San Francisco.
95. Cook Thanksgiving dinner without food poisoning anyone.
96. Participate in an amateur boxing competition.
97. See a Cirque du Soleil show.
98. Recreate historical, movie, and iconic photographs with my best friend.
99. Age gracefully.
100. Live a life that meets and surpasses movie expectations and clichés.
101. Give a fake tour on campus.
102. Be fake tourists on a campus tour.

The list continues to expand.

Love,
Heidi

Revenge of the Nerds: Why Marvel Should Make "Civil War" Into a Movie

2011-08-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Marvel.com

During my internship in London a summer ago, I was equipped with a library card that allowed me full access to the best supply of comic books outside of Comi-Con. The greatest thing about the situation was that it was free to read them. Since I'm not and will never be a collector (unless I somehow win the lottery), I just need a quick and simple entertainment fix for my long rides on the double decker. The problem with being a lone single female reading a comic book in a bus is that you're approached by a number of the city's finest men: prepubescents, the homeless, and the divorced. Regardless of the constant bother, being able to read comic books on the bus was worth it because I had the opportunity to final finish Marvel's "Civil War" series.

And this unnecessary anecdote leads me to the point of today's entry.

Marvel, you should make the "Civil War" series into a movie. Let's admit it: it hasn't been a good year for superheroes in the big screen. No matter how much weight Seth Rogen loses, he can't legitimize his title as a hero of any sort, not even a vigilante. "The Green Hornet" was the dumb man's Batman whose Asian, crime-fighting Albert can't fight his way into his own movie deal. The CGI in "Green Lantern" was so horrifyingly distracting that even the prospect of Ryan Reynolds in a superhero movie couldn't reel me in. Green is just not a good color for superheroes.

Courtesy of Green Lantern

I must admit that I watched "X-Men: First Class" because I have a soft spot for the entire franchise and James McAvoy, but my grandmother could have written better dialogue. She doesn't speak much English beyond "Go, Usher" and "I'm tired." The dazzling Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique distracted me enough from the settling feeling that I was giving money to watch a middle school play reenacted by paid professionals.

Basically, it was like buying an issue of Penthouse for the articles.

Gratuitous metaphors aside, Marvel should take up my suggestion to make "Civil War" into a movie.

For those who don't know what "Civil War" is about, here is the extended Twitter version.

Villain Nitro killed a majority of the New Warriors and a few school children in an explosion, which prompted da Government to exact some socialist, anti-terrorism act that says all superheroes are considered weapons of mass destruction and must give themselves over to Uncle Sam as objects to be used at will. Chaos unfolds. The Human Torch gets torched. When S.H.I.E.L.D. demanded Cap'n America's loyalty, he was like "No, you didn't just say that, gurlfriend" and escapes. Iron Man and S.H.I.E.L.D. lead the fight for government control while Cap'n America and a number of other popular super heroes (now, super terrorists) plan a counterstrike underground.

Readers, I won't spoil it all for you. Then again, considering the incoherent way I summarized it, I would be surprised if you still had no idea what "Civil War" was about.

Here are the reasons why Marvel should make this a movie:

1. Has there been a Marvel movie with a pantheon of such Super Greats? Technically, no, but I am aware that "The Avengers" is in progress. Currently, however, there isn't a movie out there with Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Spider-Man, Daredevil, X-Men, Falcon, and the Young Adventures. I didn't even list Hercules or Goliath in that mix because the sheer size of their namesake might physically break this blog's server. Yes, Marvel might have to contract nearly all of Hollywood to accomplish this feat, but this movie would be the Mount Olympus of all superhero gatherings.

2. Any war (especially a civil war) is a great premise for an action movie. Add the Government and an underground terrorist group, and BAM, finally, a war where everybody wins because:

A. It's not a real war
B. Therefore, as a viewer, it's okay to want senseless mass destruction and endless fighting between the two sides. It's even okay to go home after the movie and throw a lego block at your cat because you're in a belligerent mood.

3. It's not just a kid's comic book that fat nerds spend too much money on. "Civil War" is about real issues concerning the civil war that occurs between civil rights and liberty (Captain America) and government control and capitalism (Iron Man), the little guy and the big guy. "Civil War" questions issues of citizenship and identity and the establishment of civil rights among sectors of people. If you're not convinced by the number of nouns I'm spewing out, then it is a kid's comic book that fat nerds spend too much money on.

Courtesy of NBC

4. It would be one of the first superhero films where the audience has a hard time picking a definite side to root for. In most superhero movies, good and evil are clearly marked out, and we have a predictable sense of outcome. Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight trilogy is an exception to this rule because we are all aware that Nolan has a cybertronic brain that utilizes its full capacity and everything he touches is instantly marked by genius.

5. It's good advertising for the industry. Kids of this generation will be exposed to lesser known superheroes, which could peak an interest in reading Marvel's and DC's fine literature. They might even branch out to Dark Horse. Or lo and behold, they could even start reading the obscure graphic novel.

Go forth, my readers, and pick up a comic book from your local library. Endorse the Force. For all those Jedis out there, there are Star Wars comics that occupy entire shelves. Embrace your inner nerd/nerd/loser/eternal virgin because it is now the Era of the Underdog.

Love,
Heidi

Hope-Ra's Favorite Things: Urban Outfitters Apartment Items + GIVEAWAY

2011-08-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Urban Outfitters

As a bargain shopper, Urban Outfitters seems like the type of store that I would protest outside of, throwing paint on fur coats and mooning patrons in the name of big business. However, as a lifelong collector of pretty things, I can't help but dream of the day that I can afford their insanely overpriced satin slips and boyfriend cardigans.

In the mean time, I head straight to the sales rack, fist bump the sales associate before she can say "Welcome to Urban Outfitters," and rummage through the rubble like a three-legged rat. The men's sales are utterly breathtaking with trendy tanks and shirts going for under $15. The women's sales are like looking for a soulmate in a prison full of business men and sex offenders: it's hard, painful, and full of deceit. The cheapest item goes for $9.99, and it's a bra with no padding to lift the ladies.

But the best arena for bargains is apartment items and miscellaneous. In one week alone, I bought four dish ware items. Then again, I might have an addiction for things that contain liquid. For years, my mom convinced me that the only drinking dish ware I needed was a mug because it was all-purpose. It took me years of having white friends to realize that you shouldn't drink champagne out of a mug unless you're hiding alcohol at work.

Now that I am a functioning member of normative society, I must own a variety of drinking ware.

So, here's what I bought:

1. Two pint-sized glasses: one that looks like you have a mustache when you drink out of it and the other is decorated with a Some e-Cards quote ("I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios") and old timesy picture of two British people having tea.

Sale price: 2 ironic glasses for $10

2. A "The Onion" coffee mug that I ironically bought when I became an intern because it says "Fill this, intern" and I am the only one filling my mugs with coffee.

Sale price: $4.99

3. The coffee mug that must not be named because I bought it for a friend as a gift and to place it on the internet would spoil the surprise.

Sale price: $4.99

While I am aware that those prices are more than any sane person would pay for dish ware, it's at a reasonable price for Urban Outfitters and your social life. Who can put a price on being trendy and hydrated?

URBAN OUTFITTERS GIVEAWAY
One lucky reader will win both pint glasses and a secret, swanky free gift from Urban Outfitters for a contest that will last until OCTOBER 13, 2011. You can do one of two things:

1. Tweet (on Twitter) a link to one of my posts with the hash tag #ladyalt. You can twitter as many times as you like, which only increases your chances of winning.

2. Go on Facebook, "like" Control, Alternative, Delete's fan page, and share one of the blog links on the page on your wall.
I will randomly pick a name and send you the goodies.

Here's a gratuitous picture of me with a nonchalant hipster smile. You can't tell from the picture, but I am stoked to be giving away free stuff.

Love,
Heidi

The Emma Stoned of the Day: Babelgum's "Hipster News" Series

2011-08-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Emma Stone and InStyle

We all love making fun of hipsters. It's an undeniable law of nature. Even hipsters themselves think it's hip to make fun of other members of their species.

In England, they've rebranded the hipster as a "dickhead." Here is the infamous video that immortalized the rebrand:

I play synth, we all play synth! But here in America, the land of cherry pies and the acquittal of OJ Simpson, we're more forgiving with our animals. We find them amusing, lovable even, with their strange, unattractive facial hair and their dinosaur-shaped brains. I think it's more than hilarious that their hipster t-shirts come in Child medium, but they call that size an Adult small. Being a person of below average height and penis size (thanks, Mongolian ancestors), I struggle finding American sizes that fit me, but I am never disappointed when I enter an Urban Outfitters.

We even honor our hipsters by making a comic webseries featuring Adolf Hitler as a hipster. For all those who are looking to sue a small, bleeding blog like mine for anti-semitic comments, just know that the internet is not good at portraying sarcasm. If you are interested in rocking out to Arcade Fuhrer, click on this link: Hipster Hitler--You must not like juice.

Online funny people Babelgum created a comic video series called "Hipster News" that makes fun of hipsters in a witty way that glorifies them. It's not an episode of Gilmore Girls, but Gilmore Girls is so four years ago. The video series discuss important issues to hipsters like the environment and the Tea Party political group.

And because Blogger doesn't allow me to stream outside of YouTube, you have to click on an external link to the Babelgum website.

Courtesy of Babelgum

To watch the McGuinness Group discuss the Tea Party political party, click on this link: Hipster News--Because you think Sarah Palin is the next Jesus Christ.

To watch the McGuinness Group discuss environmental issues, click on this link: Hipster News--Because we can't throw away our earth like yesterday's cardigan.

You're welcome, normal people.

Love,
Heidi

Mixed Tape: Handsome Boy Modeling School's "I've Been Thinking" and "The World's Gone Mad"

2011-08-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Elektra Records via Last.fm

When I first listened to Handsome Boy Modeling School's second album "White People," I was participating in a psych study that required an hour and a half of differentiating between shapes that almost look identical. I was just sitting there, doing the same repetitive motion until my vision began to blur. I felt like a human cubicle. Apparently, my boredom affected my test results. The psych instructor decided to entrust me with his iPod rather than allow me to fail a test made for a monkey.

I selected on Handsome Boy Modeling School, half expecting the love child of MGMT and the Ukrainian dance group, Kazaky. If you're wondering who Kazaky is, you would just need to imagine four Lady Gagas on steroids and with bigger breasts. I'll include a video for evidence because you're not going to believe me without visual proof.

Lo and behold, readers, Handsome Boy Modeling School was not Kazaky in any way, shape, or form. I wish I can say that they transcended Kazaky, but Kazaky is pure sex. But, Handsome Boy Modeling School is the next best thing. The conceptual hip hop duo is composed of hip hop producers Dan the Automator (Gorillaz, Dr. Octagon, Delatron 3030) and Prince Paul (De La Soul, Gravediggaz, A Prince Among Thieves). Readers, you're probably thinking "OMGZ, HOW DOES SHE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THEM? IS SHE AN IPOD?" Well, in this day and age, idiots can fake musical know-how with something called the internet. My teachers warned me against trusting Wikipedia, but it practically does my homework for me. I'm doing your homework for you.

Because of the schizophrenic collaboration with such a variety of artists, from Kat Power to Del the Funky Homosapien, the album doesn't necessary feel like the songs hail from the same creative genius. But the album's satirical commentary on consumerist upper class society unites the schizophrenia. So we can forgive them.

Blah blah blah blah ... blah.

Here's what you want to know:

For the perfect striptease song, listen to

Handsome Boy Modeling School's "I've Been Thinking" feat. Cat Power

For impressing your friends, listen to

Handsome Boy Modeling School's "The World's Gone Mad" feat. Del the Funky Homosapien, Barrington Levy, & Alex Kapranos

I leave with famous words from Kazaky, "You want me, you love me, you hate me, I don't care."

Love,
Heidi

The Emma Stoned of the Day: College Humor's "Very Mary Kate" Webseries

2011-08-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Emma Stone

I've posted another gratuitous Emma Stone homage picture for another installment of "The Emma Stoned of the Day."

When I was a slave to Oxford University's tutorial system a few months ago, there was one thing on the internet that preserved what little sanity/humanity was left in my tiny little body: College Humor's "Very Mary Kate." I mean, let's face it, British education system, the Cruciatus curse and the Avada Kedavra were invented with you in mind.

In the webseries, comedienne Elaine Carroll portrays Mary Kate Olsen in her everyday shenanigans. While it seems blasphemous to the Almighty MK Olsen, the honorable half of the Olsen tyranny that has ruled over minions of middle school girls since the 90's, the wit and genius comedic timing make up for the treason. Basically, MK fans and non-fans, it's okay to laugh because if you didn't, it would be evidence that you lack a soul or a sense of humor (which in many cultures like mine are one in the same).

I know you want me to just shut up, so I'm going to post some of my favorite Very Mary Kate episodes. But if I were you, I would just store enough food for a few hours, lock myself in my room, and start watching them from the first episode.

Very Mary Kate: Photoshoot

Very Mary Kate: Presentation 3

And remember, readers, instead of being like Fat Professor, you can be lean like Mr. Potato Head. Which is Mary Kate's way of telling you, bring a lot of potato chips to your quarantined room when you have the Very Mary Kate marathon. Trust me, you'll get hungry because she talks about not eating food a whole lot, which ironically makes you want to eat food.

Love,
Heidi

The Emma Stoned of the Day: the Hipster Pizza Joke

2011-08-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Emma Stone via theblackboxoffice.com

Human beings love to laugh. It's human nature to distract ourselves from the misery of pushing that proverbial stone wheel called Career by putting ourselves through happy little seizures called Laughter. It's the whole reason why Internet was invented, aside from Revenge of the Cyber Nerd conspiracy that has made guys like Zuckerberg the new Homecoming king of high school reunions.

While I am a big fan of toilet humor and slapstick, I think for the sake of this blog's alternative vibe I am going to start a series of entries asking my readers for the funniest, quirkiest jokes/videos/pictures/artwork they can find on the internet. It has to be funny enough for a hipster to nonchalantly grimace in amusement. I'm calling it "The Emma Stoned of the Day" because like Emma Stone, these jokes are equal parts attractive, quirky, and funny. Plus, I will take any excuse to put Emma Stone on my blog, regardless of its relevance.

I found this joke in my Facebook newsfeed, so you know it's gold.

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his pizza before it was cool.

Yes, sixteen-year-old boys, you can pocket that for your next awkward date with the girl who won't even let you go to second base. If she's the right girl, she'll forgive you for telling her that joke.

Send your entries in via the comment box!

Love,
Heidi

Mixed Tape: Best Coast's "Our Deal"

2011-08-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Mexican Summer and Best Coast via Rickey.org

I am sorry to my two readers out there (shout out to the lovely Ms. Shakti and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Rimmed) for my one-day lull in updates. I am honestly too lazy to write my entry on the 5 Hollywood actresses I'd like to make my sister wives if I were a Mormon bride. Instead, I am going to post another music video for my growing playlist.

Today's entry is Best Coast's homage to West Side Story. Out of their debut album, "Crazy for You," the song "Our Deal" sounds like sharing a peach cobbler milkshake with a real swell guy in an American diner during the 50's. No one can take the genre of surf pop and transform it into equal parts sad nostalgia and hopeful naiveté like Best Coast can. However, readers, I know that you don't want to hear pretentious critique about music because normal people don't

1. listen to music like they have English degrees
2. actually listen to English majors talk about music (which I am and I do frequently).

But in all seriousness, Best Coast's "Our Deal" is a complete package: a Charlie's Angel as a director (Drew Barrymore strikes again!), the nymphette Chloe Moretz, Maeby Funke as a bad-ass gang leader, and the undeniable Donald Glover, a Shakespearean plot twist, and a choreographed gang battle. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT, AMERICAN PUBLIC?

A cameo by Joseph Gordon-Levitt and a love triangle involving him, Chloe Moretz, and Tyler Posey would have been nice.

If you were at Outside Lands Music Festival in San Francisco this year, you were lucky enough to be in the same premises as Best Coast. If you were like me at an internship in the middle of nowhere Texas, you were trying to lick your elbow for three hours and memorize Kreayshawn's "Gucci Gucci" lyrics.

If you're interested in attending a show, Best Coast is performing with a pantheon of musical greats at the RVA Music Festival in Richmond, VA in September. If this music video has made you an automatic Best Coast fan drone and you need to see them at this very second, you might have to fly to an obscure city in Sweden to the Malmofestivalenkafkajfka (gibberish for some music festival in Sweden).

For fan stalking:
Best Coast Tour Dates

Alas, I present to you:

Best Coast's "Our Deal," from their debut album "Crazy for You"

Love,
Heidi

Mixed Tape: Slum Village's "Selfish" feat. Kanye West and John Legend

2011-08-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

According to the Boyfriend, I am pretty good in the "mixed tape" department. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself an audiophile because only self-indulgent douches call themselves that. So, readers, whenever I am moved by a song, I am going to post the music video and/or a YouTube cover that moves my ears and fingers to action.

So, I present to you today's musical entry:

Slum Village's "Selfish" feat. Kanye West and John Legend
From their fourth album, Detroit Deli (A Taste of Detroit)

Courtesy of Capitol Records/YouTube

As for my favorite YouTube cover of this song, I choose DavidSoMusic's charming rendition. His rapping could use a little work, but he's Asian. Sorry, Far East Movement, you're pretty fly for a yellow guy (yellow guys, actually, but the plural doesn't rhyme with "fly"), but your flow doesn't have to be Dr. Seuss to perform with LMFAO.

Courtesy of DavidSoMusic

Sorry for the sparse entry (sans wit or substantial commentary) and for all Far East Movement fans that don't think I'm very funny. It's almost midnight, and even I don't think I'm very funny. The fatigue is making me cranky. I would go to bed but I am washing my whites (no, not the naked Caucasian sex slaves that I keep as pets) and there's nothing I hate more than wrinkled laundry.

Love,
Heidi

Hope-Ra's Favorite Things: Ryan Gosling

2011-08-20T16:34:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Oprah Winfrey

Do your remember back in the day when Oprah had that television show called "The Oprah Winfrey Show" and all these housewives would compete (on a level of a gladiator's to-the-death) in an insanely improbably lottery so they could watch her show live? Well, one of the main reasons that it was every housewives' dream was because Oprah would have random surprise episodes titled "Oprah's Favorite Things" where she gives away her favorite things (Bentleys, trips to Paris, small monkeys, the such) to every audience member.

I have my own version of this little scheme, but I'm not giving away anything except for my precious time writing this entry and it's more like a plea to receive these things. Readers, I present you "Hope-Ra's Favorite Things." Ever-so-often (emphasis on the "often"), I will be posting a few of my favorite things because I love sharing my obsessions. Also, I have some small glimmer of hope that if this small little blog reaches the companies/agents of my favorite things that they will be moved to pity and send me some swag/surprise dates with handsome, well-hung actors.

Hence, "Hope-Ra?" Get it? How does the "-Ra" factor into the equation? Aside from allowing the name to rhyme with "Oprah" and I've had some fascination with ancient Egypt since history class in fifth grade, it factors in very, very little.

Courtesy of GQ and Ryan Gosling

One of my favorite things is Ryan Gosling, which makes me less alternative and more like the majority of female and homosexual society. Oh, Canada, indeed! As Americans, we've always been secretly jealous of Canada for their universal healthcare and for happy-go-lucky attitude about being extremely non-confrontational. So, we call them our "hat" and we make fun of them on "How I Met Your Mother," but we've always been loud about our obsession over Ryan Gosling.

I have fond, awkward memories of being in high school and watching "The Notebook" for the first time. I think that's when I first realized that I liked the two "M's" that seem to dominate society: men (not boys) and masturbating. However, at that point, I had always considered him a non-serious actor of "chick-flicks" (an unfair term because I know more men who love those movies than women who do, but then again, I live in a gay co-op).

Then, this year, I went on a Ryan Gosling film binge. I watched the psychological thriller "Stay," and you would never think that underneath all that Canadian bacon was a formidable actor. I watched "Blue Valentine" in an independent movie theatre. In fact, his performance was so convincing that the Boyfriend and I almost broke up after watching it on our date night. Advice, ladies: Don't watch "Blue Valentine" with someone special because Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams deliver a performance that is TOO real.

Courtesy of Warner Brothers and our very generous God

And then, I watched "Crazy Stupid Love" with my sister one fine summer day and knew that I could never go back to mediocre men, which dooms me for life as a spinster. In the immortal words of Emma Stone, "Seriously, it's like you're Photoshopped," Ryan Gosling. Sometimes, I wonder, "Is Ryan Gosling a bioengineered cyborg made with Canada's homeland security funds to destroy all men for female society?" The answer is MOST LIKELY, YES.

It's not just ladies that are under Ryan's spell. I'm not naming names, but I know a few very heterosexual men out there who swear that they would go "companion-gay" for Ryan Gosling: no sexual stuff, but a lifelong partnership in companionship, bros for life, united in hanging out in sickness and in health.

Now with that, I will conclude this rant on Ryan Gosling with an answer to a question that will exist in the near future. Yes, Ryan Gosling, I will marry you in the alternative reality that exists in my imagination.

For fun, I've included the following links to start your own Ryan Gosling obsession:

For his Esquire magazine interview:
Welcome to Goslingland, Esquire Magazine

For a trailer of "Crazy Stupid Love" (now in theatres):

For some vintage Ryan Gosling (á la Mickey Mouse Club):

You're welcome, readers.

And Ryan, call me.

Love,
Heidi

Encantada, Enchilada.

2011-08-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

Meet me.

I officially go by the name of Heidi, but at some point in my very short life span, I was named after a yoga pose by my neo-hippie, new age parents in the 90's. At some more awkward point in high school, I was named Heidi Ho during my slutty pirate phase. At some point in my food-comatosed imagination, I made up that I was called the "one who got away" by all my exes. But for accuracy's sake, my exes probably just call me the counter word for the B-word "babe." Let me give you a hint, it's not Beyoncé, or as my dad likes to call her, "Beyawnce."

After an entire paragraph on the origins of my name, you're probably wondering: "WHY SHOULD I READ ANYTHING THIS OVERLY VERBOSE PERSON WRITES?" To be honest, you don't have to read this. You can leave your desktop right now, leave your house, and throw the old pigskin around. But let's face it. Athleticism tires you out. Even Sportscenter makes you palpitate a little. You haven't showered since you've woken up at noon. Eating a Hot Pocket without the internet brings the reality of your sedentary lifestyle to the surface, and you'd rather live in its gooey, cheesy center than shave your legs/other body parts/face. Why not waste your life with me? Even for a few minutes in your day.

So you ask: "Fellow overweight American, what are you trying to achieve with your blog?" I could go on and on about how I am reclaiming popular culture/fashion/beauty/film blogs from the trendy skeleton hipsters who live in New York or Los Angeles, but that would make me a hipster. For as long as I can remember, I've always been alternative, the "Other" in questions about ethnicity, the girl with the unibrow and the roller backpack who didn't watch MTV until sophomore year in high school. I've been alternative since 1990 in a way that has never been trendy, but one day, the superhuman archeologists in the future are going to unearth this blog in the ruins of the third World War and put me in a museum. So, it's all for the exposure, readers. Exposure for the thoughts of every alternative person on the face of this earth who could potentially die in their Hot Pocket without being known.

I promise you that it won't be pretty, but I promise to make your sedentary lifestyle worth it.

Love,
Heidi

P.S.--If you expect me to be the ugly girl's version of Zooey Deschanel, you should expect to be disappointed. I am like the ugly girl's Tina Fey's Liz Lemon and that's saying something.