Cookies World of Lol

When your cooker hood breaks down

2024-09-20T11:20:00.001+01:00

From Wanda

Unix Joke

2021-07-13T14:32:00.000+01:00

A crontab, an fstab, gettytab and a hosts file walk into a bar. 'What'll it be?' asks the bartender. "I'll have something later," the crontab says. The fstab ignores him and hits the dance floor, looking for someone it can mount. "Just a beer," the gettytab says, "but this is the last one. You could say… it's my _terminal_ beer." The hosts file rolls his its at the bad pun, but doesn't order a drink. It just realized that it's got the wrong address…

From Bruce

6 Phases of Working – which one are you in?

2021-07-13T14:15:00.007+01:00

Phase 1

You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great.
Your co-workers are wonderful, your office is cute,
you love your boss, and your administrative director is the best!

Phase 2

You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are
so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.

Phase 3

You are listening to heavy metal --
This is what happens after about SIX Months!

Phase 4

You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress,
you're gaining weight due to lack of exercise because you are so
tired and have so much work to do and when you get home you have more work to do.
You feel sluggish and suffer from constipation.
Your fellow co-workers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in.

Phase 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP --
After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch,
you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you
just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6

You are listening to the voices in your head --
You have locked the office door to keep people out,
You wonder WHY you are even here in the first
place and WHY did I come to work today!

PASS THIS ON TO FELLOW CO-WORKERS WHO NEED A GOOD LAUGH.............

Many thanks to Phil for this one

A Quick medical check

2014-03-23T10:57:00.002+00:00

Because I care about you, I want you to

get healthy and be around longer!

So here is a brief Medical Test

Look into this cat's eyes for 5 seconds

Now look into this Labrador puppy’s eyes for 5 seconds

Scroll Down

Your CAT SCAN and
LAB TESTS are now
Complete.

...have a GREAT Day!!!

Life is short!
Forgive quickly!
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile!

How to get a six pack in 5 mins? / Jak w pięć minut wyćwiczyć kaloryfer na brzuchu?

2014-03-22T09:50:00.003+00:00

From Kath

Power Cut

2014-03-22T09:50:00.002+00:00

From Mike W

Power Cut

We had a power cut last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately,

it was raining so I couldn't play golf so I had to talk to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Polish problems

2013-05-02T09:40:00.002+01:00

From Kath

2011-10-22T10:51:00.001+01:00

Subject: Passport Application Dear Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through. How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government? How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand? You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die! I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap. Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off! I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN... Yours sincerely, An Irate British Citizen.

DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.

2011-01-16T13:59:00.000+00:00

From http://forum.bodybuilding.com sent to me by Bruce

Don't even ****ing say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the ****.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont ****ing tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a ****ing electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes ****ting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the ****?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You ****ing Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ****ing roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so ****ing foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You ****ing Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the ****ing grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that **** again.

****ing Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. **** Pringles.

this is in or around ANAL LEAKAGE, ANYBODY?

Choose your domain name carefully ;)

2011-01-16T12:28:00.000+00:00

Mother & Daughter Banned From Disney World--for Life

2010-10-26T14:15:00.000+01:00

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BANNED FOR LIFE FROM DISNEYLAND
this has got to be one of the funniest things going around the Computer.......wonder where they got the NERVE?

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BANNED FOR LIFE FROM DISNEYLAND
YEP - Those Are their real boobs!

"Gazza" - An Airline With a Sense of Humour

2010-08-31T10:52:00.000+01:00

See also the comments of flight attendants and crew listed below.


Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Check out their new livery!
            WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

--------------------------------------------------------------------

                  On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where

                  you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

                  flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

                  furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

           ---o0o---

                  On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

                  said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

                  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

                  the appearance of your flight attendants."

                  ----o0o---

                  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

                  belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

                  something we'd like to have."

                  ----o0o---

                  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

                  of this airplane."

                  ---o0o---

                  "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business

                  as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

                  ---o0o---

                  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone

                  voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

                  ---o0o---

                  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a

                  flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening

                  the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as

                  hell everything has shifted."

                  ---o0o---

                  From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth.

                  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

                  pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

                  know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

                  unsupervised."

                  ---o0o---

                  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

                  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

                  face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

                  before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one

                  small child, pick your favourite."

                  ---o0o---

                  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

                  we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

                  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

                  ----o0o---

                  "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

                  emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

                  compliments."

                  ---o0o---

                  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

                  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

                  attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

                  ---o0o---

                  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is

                  pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in

                  the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

                  ---o0o---

                  Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The

                  flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump

                  and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

                  airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

                  attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

                  ---o0o---

                  Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and

                  bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight

                  it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies

                  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats

                  with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

                  airplane to the gate!"

                  ---o0o---

                  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

                  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

                  the terminal."

                  ---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline.
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
  Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
                  "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

                  ---o0o---

                  After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on

                  with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain

                  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

                  against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning

                  bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way

                  through the wreckage to the terminal.."

                  ---o0o---

                  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

                  you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the

                  insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

                  tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

                  ---o0o---

                  Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,

                  the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light

                  'em, you can smoke 'em."

                  ---o0o---

                  A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a

                  comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

                  intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

                  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town, The

                  weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and

                  uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence

                  followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom

                  and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

                  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a

                  cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A

                  passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of

                  mine!"

From Kath

Radio Phone In -- Australia.

2010-08-31T10:51:00.000+01:00

1) Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing the
following transmission. Many Sydney folks "did" hear this on the FOX FM
morning show in Sydney.

2) Apparently, the DJs play a game where they award winners great
prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match" whereby the DJs call someone at work and
ask
if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

3) The person being interviewd is first asked to divulge the name of
their
partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner
subsequently
answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

4) One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big
Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
thing
you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went
down:-

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you
win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian".

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married".

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please".

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me.

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Attaboy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question number 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that,
if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for a
couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Attaboy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times
I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
number and call her up. You listen to this."

........[ 3minutes of commercials follow.]...........

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've
been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
'Mate
Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely
honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If
your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the
Gold
Coast for 5 days on us."

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have s*x, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian .....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away
from a
trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the @rse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

And 312 drivers of Sydney crashed their cars laughing!

From Phil

Computer Question

2010-08-12T13:20:00.000+01:00

Computer Question:

Now here is a challenge!

For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
Try this!
So, you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are ...

*WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN?

123490=\qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm

GIVE UP? SEE THE ANSWER IN THE BELOW!

How to keep the duvet

2010-07-10T20:39:00.003+01:00

Men / Women translations

2010-07-10T20:38:00.000+01:00

How to name an abortion clinic

2010-06-15T12:43:00.003+01:00

From Kath

NO its not long weekend YET!

2010-04-14T15:58:00.002+01:00

From Kath

His and her day

2010-02-25T14:58:00.000+00:00

Just goes to show how differently men and women look at things...

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant
and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

United lost. But at least I got laid.

How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist

2010-02-25T14:48:00.000+00:00

How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist

His name is: YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN

Camel toe - the sequel

2010-01-04T22:25:00.000+00:00

From Nick

JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN'T FEELING TOO OLD TODAY

2009-11-12T09:43:00.000+00:00

THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STARTING UNI THIS YEAR WERE BORN IN 1991.

THEY ARE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THE SPACE SHUTTLE BLOWING UP.
THEIR LIFETIME HAS ALWAYS INCLUDED AIDS.
THE CD WAS INTRODUCED EIGHT YEARS BEFORE THEY WERE BORN.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN ANSWERING MACHINE.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD EMAIL.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD CELL PHONES.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE INTERNET.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD VCRS, AND VIDEO CAMERAS.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD CABLE.
POPCORN HAS ALWAYS BEEN MICRO-WAVED.
THEY NEVER TOOK A SWIM AND THOUGHT ABOUT JAWS.
MCDONALD'S NEVER CAME IN STYROFOAM CONTAINERS.
THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE HOW TO USE A TYPEWRITER.

PASS THIS ON TO THE OTHER OLD FOGIES ON YOUR LIST.
NOTICE THE LARGER TYPE?
THAT'S FOR THOSE OF US WHO HAVE TROUBLE READING .....
P.S.... SAVE THE EARTH. IT'S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE.

From Bruce

It's a mushroom.

2009-11-04T22:24:00.000+00:00

From Kath

There... I fixed it! Mechanical engineering!

2009-10-29T12:02:00.000+00:00

From Kath

I'm moving to france :( i love u xoxo)

2009-10-19T15:35:00.000+01:00

HAHAHAHAHA LOL!!!
SCARED YOU!!!!!!!!!

ITS PRETTY FUNNY THAT YOU OPENED THIS BECAUSE...

in the next seven days you will:

1. Have someone fall in love with you

2. Find a $20.00 bill on the ground

3. Go out with the person you like

4. Your best friend will get you a really nice gift

BUT...

first you will have to repost this with this title:

IM moving to (a random place)!

TAG UR IT!!

*Repost this and see how many people you scare!

* No Send Backs!

* Send this to 10 people in the next 143 min.

When you are done press F6 and your crushes
name will appear on the screen in big letters.

This is so scary cuz it works!!

if you break the chain you will have problems with...

~ relationships
~your job/school
~Your family

...for the next 5 years

JUST COPY AND PASTE

From Steve