Cool Ass Cinema

Portrait In Crystal (1983) review

2026-01-23T17:15:00.000-08:00

PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL 1983 (Chinese title: CRYSTAL MAN)

Jason Pai Piao (Lung Fei), Liu Yu Po (Crystal), Wang Jung (Prince Jin Tian Di), Chen Szu Chia (Du Sha), Chin Huang (Fatty), Teng Wei Hao (Poison Yama), Lin Hsiu Chun (Jade), Hsiao Yu Ming (Poison Yama's Son), Wu Yu Fen (Zi Juan), Hon Lai Fan (Pearl)

Directed by Hua Shan

The Short Version: Director Hua Shan returned to Swordplay Horror immediately after completing THE BLOODY PARROT (1981) with the exploitation-heavy PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL—a film that went through a lot of changes in its storyline and the tone of the film. Based on a novel by horror writer Huang Ying, it’s a confusing, mess of a movie but one that thrives on atmosphere, gore and splashy special effects. If popcorn flicks are your thing, get ready to overdose on garishly decorated, cramped sets; flying skulls; laser light shows; a Phantom of the Opera-style villain; deadly traps; exploding bodies; ghosts; and lots of frantic sword action that easily overpower the uninspired plot that flatlines the movie the handful of times things aren't being blown up, set on fire, or engulfed in fog. Simply put, this is a Portrait in Excess.

In Ancient China, alchemic manuscripts portend that 10,000 year old crystals, aside from being valuable jewels, possessed magical properties. If blood came into contact with them, the crystal would take on whatever form it was carved in. Long Fei, a well-known sculptor living in seclusion on an isolated mountain, tests the myth, smearing his five-year crystalline masterpiece with his own blood. Unknown to Long, a vengeful spirit begins attacking members of the Poison Yama Clan. Discovering his crystal statue has disappeared from his vault, Long and his apprentice, Fatty, head out to retrieve it while the masked Poison Yama seeks revenge against him and the spirit entity wiping them out. Long and Fatty meet a mysterious woman on the way, who turns out to be Crystal, presumed to be the female embodiment of Long's statue. She's injured by Poison Yama's Seven-Step Soul-Chasing Needle and is separated from Long and Fatty. The two carry on to find the injured Crystal.

They end up on Phantom Island, arriving at the spooky residence of Du Sha, the wife of the equally mysterious Heavenly Emperor. She's a powerful fighter who creates crystal killers in a hidden torture dungeon for assassination plots. Those who fail to endure the sadistic training become her zombie servants. Poison Yama, his clan eradicated, arrives at Du Sha's trap-filled mansion and learns who is behind the assassinations of his family and clan members. After a bloody fight, Long Fei learns who the actual owner of the Du Mansion is and where both he and his crystal creation fit into the real mastermind's evil plan.

Director Hua Shan made films of various genres although he was closely associated with modern crime thrillers such as BROTHERHOOD (1976), various segments in a few of the five-film THE CRIMINALS (1976-1977) series and THE BROTHERS (1979), a precursor to John Woo's A BETTER TOMORROW (1986). In the early 80s, Hua Shan got on a bit of a martial arts horror kick, helming three back to back. BLOODY PARROT (1981) sourced from novelist Huang Ying's original work was first, and as soon as it wrapped, Director Hua dove into another horror swordplay adaptation. Based on another Huang Ying novel, PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL (1983) is a typical Martial World tale, but one that's told with a horror movie ambiance. If you're expecting a coherent story, you'll probably have to watch the movie a few times to cobble it all together since the delirious visuals and rapid-fire action scenes sabotage any attempt at following along.

It might be short on logic but there's lots of bloody violence such as a man having his arm cut off, only for his severed arm holding his sword gets planted into the top of his head; another poor sap is impaled through the mouth with dozens of chopsticks; faces are burned off, bodies are blown up, stomachs erupt in geysers of blood, and on and on. ALIEN (1979) had been a major hit in Hong Kong; so much so that the Shaw Brothers, as well as some of their filmmakers, wanted to do a movie like it. Science Fiction films weren't big moneymakers in Hong Kong, but horror was; so likely the famous chest-bursting scene inspired PORTRAIT's exploding intestines.

Possibly the most gruesome spectacle is a crucified naked woman with netting tied tightly to her body that rips through her flesh. The Shaw's always managed to find the best bosomy actresses so if that isn't Jenny Liang (whom the Shaw's heavily promoted for her nude scenes in BLOODY PARROT) standing in for Lin Hsiu Chun, then Lin is giving the then exploitation Queen a run for her money. Elsewhere, there's the magical lute whose strings deliver ear-destroying sonic attacks; and a sword that sets things on fire including the air!

‘Crystal Man’ was written by horror novelist Huang Ying. It was part of a horror-themed hexalogy titled ‘Six Tales of Horror’ started in 1974. These supernatural swordplay thrillers were outlined by author Ku Lung (or Gu Long) in what was intended to be a break from his usual Wuxia literature. In the mid 70s when he began working on the series, Ku stated “true terror comes from the depths of the soul”. Horror was an unusual avenue for Ku Lung to take, and different from his prominence writing about heroic and villainous swordsmen of the Martial World. Huang was known for his spooky writings, so the subject matter was ideal for him.

The stories in the series are ‘Blood Parrot’ (the film version adds the letter 'y'), ‘The Vampire Moth’, ‘Crystal Man’, ‘The Black Lizard’, ‘Rakshasa Woman’ (a Rakshasa being a shapeshifting, flesh-eating demon) and ‘The Wingless Bat’. Ku wrote the first four of thirty chapters of ‘Blood Parrot’, and wrote outlines of the other stories; but due to deadlines with other novels, he left this series to be completed by Huang Ying, Hong Kong’s version of Stephen King. Huang’s writing style was similar to Ku Lung so it was a good fit to have him take over the series.

The film’s English title was originally the same as the title of the novel, that being ‘Crystal Man’. With the film’s plot changing early into production this necessitated a new export title. Presumably, CRYSTAL MAN was deemed confusing to non-Chinese speakers—most of whom would be unfamiliar with the novel it’s adapted from; so the English title was changed to PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL. That there's no Crystal Man depicted, but a Crystal Woman, that would've only added to the confusion. Even so, the Chinese title remains CRYSTAL MAN. In the novel, as it is in the movie, it was a female assassin that called itself a "Crystal Spirit".

The description of the Crystal Man in the novel was a key element for director Hua Shan to bring to the screen. The visual of swarms of green fireflies flying out of the spirits face is realized as multi-colored bugs flickering around the crystal assassin. These fireflies are even used as a lethal weapon that fries the flesh on a targeted victim.

Additionally, whenever the character is referenced on-screen, it’s called “Shuijing Ren”, which means ‘Crystal Man’ and sounds like “Shay-jing Yen”. On various releases, subtitles translate it as “Crystal Portrait” or “Crystal Being”. Moreover, a little passed the 50 minute mark there's a plot dump of details that reveals, among other things, an actual Crystal Man is in the making.

When it came to adapting the novel for the screen, Huang Ying wrote the script that, aside from the main character, seemed to be faithful to his original work. Changes were made over the course of the near year and a half the film was in production. Early plot descriptions before the entire cast was set read as follows:

“The story of CRYSTAL MAN revolves around the legendary swordsman, Shen Sheng Yi, who is drawn into a pre-planned battle within the Martial World. After several perilous twists and escaping his enemies’ pursuit, Shen and the wounded Gong Sun Bai arrive at the mysterious Du family mansion; a large, secluded manor nestled in the middle of a vast lake. Amid these strange events, Shen Sheng Yi encounters the deadly assassin, the Crystal Man, who hasn’t been seen in many years. A fearsome and enigmatic killer, several renowned martial arts masters have fallen to the sword of the Crystal Man. Shen Sheng Yi is shocked by the assassins sudden reappearance, sensing an extraordinary event is about to unfold”.

If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll notice a few major differences in the direction the film was originally going. The character of Shen Sheng Yi is a swordsman in a series of novels by Huang Ying. Director Chu Yuan adapted one of them, ‘Silver Sword Shen Sheng Yi’ as THE ROVING SWORDSMAN (1983) starring Ti Lung as Shen. The character was changed from a swordsman to a sculptor named Long Fei who also happens to be a master of the blade.

Long Fei is actually the name of the main character in the novel, described as a wandering swordsman. In the novel, Gong Sun Bai is a wounded swordsman Long met on the road who had been gravely injured by Poison Yama's venomous arsenal. Poison Yama was chasing Swordsman Gong because he believed he knew the Crystal killer's whereabouts and reasons for targeting Yama and his Tang Clan of fighters. The search for an antidote to Yama's poison leads the two men to Phantom Island and the Du Mansion where celestial beings are said to reside.

As the film version plays out, Long is a hermetic sculptor and Fatty is his doting assistant. They initially set out to find Long's stolen crystal portrait and discover Long has been framed by unknown parties leading to Poison Yama being after him. Fatty is indeed injured prior to their arrival at Du Mansion to attain an antidote; although Fatty's injuries aren't due to a fight with Poison Yama but members of Yama's clan referred to as the Tang Clan in the book.

Due to the downward trend of Swordplay pictures at the time, it was decided to likewise swap out Gong Sun Bai with a comedic sidekick, the above-mentioned Fatty. This new character, played by the rotund Chin Huang, originally had an actual name, that being Li Siao Tian.

When asked in a 1982 interview what he thought was the key to reviving Swordplay films, director Hua said there needed to be something new on top of innovations in storytelling. PORTRAIT is overzealous in horror-fused motifs but nothing original in how the story unfolds. As convoluted as it is, the premise is the basic Martial World scenario: one clan uses magical assassins to wipe out members of another; numerous instances of subterfuge and deception follows. It's really that simple.

As it turned out, Huang's novel wasn't considered one of his highly regarded works, nor was this film version any better a representation of it--from a narrative perspective, that is.

The cast were the usual quality performers even though the material given them wasn’t. The most seasoned thespian among them was Taiwanese actor Wang Jung. He’d been in the industry for 20 years at this point. A big name in Taiwan, Wang started out at Taiwan’s major studio Central Motion Pictures. He and director Ting Shan Si (800 HEROES), along with their friend, actor Jimmy Wang Yu (THE CHINESE BOXER), founded Giant Films in 1971. A gambling problem and a divorce in 1973 led Wang Jung out of the industry and out of Taiwan and Hong Kong altogether. He moved to America and remained there for four years, returning to Hong Kong in 1977 upon completion of a movie he shot in the US. He stated in interviews at the time that for this second phase of his film career he was simply having fun.

Pai Piao was enjoying a career resurgence of his own. He began his career as a stuntman, and was in line for a major role in Chang Cheh's THE WATER MARGIN series. It didn't work out so he found plenty of films as a leading man at Yang Tze Films, an independent studio born out of the remnants of major company, Cathay. Unfortunately, none of the films Pai made for Yang Tze made money in Hong Kong. He then moved to television in the latter part of the 70s where his star soared. He ended up back at Shaw Brothers where he got numerous major roles like this one, although this film isn't indicative of his best work. As with everything else, the performers in PORTRAIT are only there to accentuate the visuals.

Actress Tai Liang Chun was originally cast as Du Sha, but the role went to Taiwanese model Chen Szu Chia (above and insert) when Tai quit the industry approximately two years into her five year contract to enter into what quickly became a volatile marriage to action superstar Tony Liu Yung (Law Wing). Barely a year into the relationship, it spiraled out of control, leading to him disfiguring Tai's face. She co-starred with Liu Yung (the evil eunuch in SECRET SERVICE OF THE IMPERIAL COURT) in 1982s PASSING FLICKERS and was the leading actress in the troubled horror production, CURSE OF EVIL (1982). To expound further, Tai’s awful luck didn’t end there. Her second marriage to a doctor ended in divorce and her third husband, a Japanese doctor, ended when her violent second husband tracked her down and killed the third husband.

As for Chen Szu Chia, this was one of, if not the meatiest, role she ever had, and possibly her best. She shines as one of the main antagonists.

Director Hua occasionally made movies outside of Movietown. As long as an independent picture didn’t interfere with filming at Shaw’s he could shoot what he wanted. This is where that third martial arts horror movie comes in. During downtime on CRYSTAL, Hua Shan took a crew on location to shoot the cult favorite KUNG FU ZOMBIE for the Eternal Film Company; that film starring Billy Chong, Kwan Young Moon and Chiang Tao. This was another Huang Ying story, and some of his CRYSTAL crew worked on it like martial arts choreographer Teng Te Hsiang and Hua’s regular assistant director Tsai Nai Pin.

Like many filmmakers on the Movietown payroll, the vast resources of the company offered a congenial atmosphere for making movies that differed from the unstable nature of working for an independent company. Hua Shan was one such director who had gotten comfortable working within this gated filmmaking community. He viewed Shaw Studio as his home, and whenever he filmed outside, he referred to it as a vacation.

The irony was that Director Hua preferred making modern day films versus the period pieces he was doing in the 1980s. He was also highly critical of the label given a select group of young filmmakers at the start of the 1980s, “the New Wave”. Hua helmed period movies till 1985, returning to the industry six years later for one last picture—a modern day actioner starring moon Lee—ANGEL FORCE (1991).

PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL was completed in September of 1982. The test screening at the studio was reportedly a positive one—leading the studio executives to spend some more money on it. Hua Shan did some additional post-production in October and November of ‘82, adding some special effects shots. Director Hua was also critical of Chinese filming methods of the time period. Prior to PORTRAIT’s release, he pointed out that Hollywood was properly equipped to pull off special effects; Hong Kong was only capable of what he called “special shots”.

By 1983, Shaw Brothers were well aware that, domestically, their production style was viewed as largely outdated. Faced with stiff competition from rival studios, they changed their methods of having directors shoot 3-4 films at one time and had them focus primarily on a single feature before moving on to the next one.

In turn, this affected the number of productions made per year. The company went from 40+ films a year in the 70s to approximately two dozen by 1983; the numbers dropped even further over the next two years they were in operation. The export of their martial arts pictures on the international market was what was keeping them open for the next two years. In Hong Kong, the Shaw's would have at least one or two films in the top ten, but they'd be dramas or romantic comedies which were now big box office along with the modern day action stunt comedies that the company were hesitant to get on board with. And when they made them, there simply wasn't enough of them to reclaim audience interest in their films that, in Hong Kong at least, were viewed as old-fashioned filmmaking.

Swordplay films were losing steam in 1983 versus the gaining momentum of modern day action. To use one example, the heavily hyped ZU: WARRIORS FROM THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN (1983) was a bomb that year, making only HK$1.5 million. PORTRAIT made HK$1.3 million in comparison. There was so much similar product on television, that to get people into theaters, it had to be something unique. PORTRAIT was certainly different, only local audiences weren't interested.

Director Hua’s next film was another wild swordplay movie, the gloomy USURPERS OF THE EMPEROR’S POWER (1983) starring Tony Liu Yung, Chao Kuo, Liu Hsieh Hua, and Lung Tien Sheng. Part historical epic and another part gory supernatural fantasy, it’s in the class of Hua’s co-directed THE FLYING GUILLOTINE 2 (1978) and WHAT PRICE HONESTY (1979) as the darkest Shaw Brothers pictures ever made. It was a bigger failure at the box office than PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL was.

Interestingly, Hua Shan didn’t like making violent movies. You’d never know that by looking at his resume like the vicious Shaw Brothers Triad actioner BROTHERHOOD (1976); and THE GORY MURDER (1978), whose Chinese title translates to BRUTAL DISMEMBERMENT. This was an independent film Hua made for Eternal Films, founded in 1973 and one of the more prosperous Indy film companies. Their success was largely due to Ng See Yuen, an ambitious film director who later founded Seasonal Film Corporation.

Hua Shan’s movies tend to have very little fat on them—moving at a frenetic pace. PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL is an example of this. Aside from the comedic scenes that slow things down in the middle act, the visual barrage seldom lets up—holding the viewers attention when the flimsy storyline cannot. Unfortunately, the film's trim running time doesn't allow for characterization. The voluminous plot details unloaded on the viewer in the last half, along with a few twists, do nothing to enhance the proceedings because you don't care about anyone on-screen. As a movie, PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL is poor; but as an entertainment, it's an assortment of colors splashed across a canvas of craziness--an amusement park ride that becomes more wild and exhaustively bizarre right up till it abruptly hits the brakes for a noticeably hasty ending.

This review is representative of the Imprint bluray from Australia (all region) limited to 1,500 units. Specs and extras: 1080p HD 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen; audio commentary with Justin Decloux; Portrait in Plasma: interview with James Mudge; running time: 01:20:51

The Naughty and Nice List: The 12 Slays of Christmas Part 2

2025-12-25T19:29:00.000-08:00

Down the chimney Santa came late one night,

Not for gifts or cookies, but horror film fright

A yearly tradition this was, a title I would pick,

To watch a horror movie with Jolly Old St. Nick

It was BLACK CHRISTMAS we watched in the dark,

The original from '74, the one directed by Bob Clark

Soon as we got to the shocking reveal, you know the part,

Santa's eyes grew big as he put his hand over his heart

While outside waited his reindeer and sleigh full of presents he forgot,

Wanting to watch one more, Santa looked at me and said, "Hey kid, what else you got?"

The original 12 Slays of Christmas article from December of 2016 documented the best examples of holiday horror with a handful of Bad Santa's mixed in for good cheer (you can read it HERE). This time around, we're looking at ten years of twelve lesser known films ranging in quality, and all featuring killer Claus's, feuding families with murder on their minds, or both. Not everything can be as magnificently chilling as the original BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) or as shockingly controversial as the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984). The former has had two remakes--one riotously gruesome and the Grandest of Guinol, and the other isn't worth opening at Christmas or any other time during the year; the latter has had four sequels and a just-released remake to illustrate the power and influence of the two films.

From 2015 to 2025, it's a Naughty and Nice List, a Christmas Deadly Dozen; so gather around and let's see if there's something for you under the Cool Ass Cinema Christmas tree.

1. A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY (2015)

Vengeful and malevolent spirits, Krampus and a zombie elf outbreak at the North Pole make up four holiday horror tales that are connected to a deadly incident in the town of Bailey Downs.

Starting things off on the Nice List is a film that is bound to become a Kringle Kult Klassic. William Shatner plays a radio DJ who bookends four horror tales that are actually one complete story, segmented into an anthology in the style of 2005s TRICK R’ TREAT. As with most films done in the omnibus style, quality of stories varies, yet all of them have some level of creep factor. The best one is the last tale, and this is suitable considering the unique twist in the tale that ties them all together into one surprisingly satisfying present you may find yourself opening again and again over the holidays.

2. BETTER WATCH OUT (2017)

On Christmas Eve, a babysitter and the 12 year-old boy she’s watching believe they’re being targeted by intruders trying to get inside the house… but the truth is far more sinister.

BETTER WATCH OUT is a film that the less you know going in the better. A dark version of HOME ALONE (1990), the film becomes more shockingly vicious to the point where you're unsure whether to laugh at the onscreen depravity or be repulsed at the contents of this blackly superb Christmas gift. The typical horror movie conventions of the babysitter stalked by a killer trying to get inside the house are turned inside out in this unexpectedly taut holiday shocker. Inarguably the most creative Christmas horror film on this list, there are no killers in Santa suits or a seasonal slasher with a vendetta, but something far more evil. BETTER WATCH this movie. And stick around for a mid-end credits scene.

3. ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (2017)

Starting on December 14th, two Santa-dressed serial killers, Nicholas Conway and Michelle Weaver, use the 12 Days of Christmas as the basis for a wild killing spree in the town of Woodridge, New York.

There’s a lot of bad festive horror out there; ONCE UPON A TIME isn’t one of them. Director Paul Tanter gets more mileage out of his low budget than the usual independent horror feature. The film’s wild card are the performances of the two lead maniacs, Mr. and Mrs. Claus played by Irish actor Simon Philips and British actress Sayla de Goede. Both are righteously over the top comic book personas; so much so that one wonders if the mental facility they've escaped from wasn't Gotham's own Arkham Asylum. This was a nice surprise and would make a great stocking stuffer for its place on the Nice List.

The Terrible Two returned to slaughter anew in THE NIGHTS OF CHRISTMAS (2020). That title suits the first film better since the events cover twelve nights leading up to Christmas Day. A third film was announced for production in 2021. Christened ONE CHRISTMAS NIGHT IN A TOY STORE, the concluding chapter was to find Mr. and Mrs. crazy Claus spilling more blood and taking hostages inside a toy store while the FBI try to get them out alive. Sadly, the film has stalled.

4. MRS. CLAUS (2018)

Sorority members at a Christmas party are targeted by a killer wearing a Mrs. Claus outfit. The deaths are connected to a hazing prank that resulted in a murder-suicide years earlier.

An ugly, mean-spirited movie, MRS. CLAUS feels more like a DTV horror flick from 1988 than 2018. The gore is nowhere near Savini superlativeness but effective nonetheless; the camera lingers on the gory finality making this mediocre movie a grimier experience. A by the numbers slasher, the film’s main inspiration is apparently BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974), the greatest holiday horror of all time.

Set mostly inside a sorority house (or someone's apartment), the plot of MS. CLAUS (formerly STIRRING) follows Bob Clark’s creepy classic minus the obscene phone calls along with the polish and chilling atmosphere. Former Scream Queen Brinke Stevens is top-billed even though she pops in and out of the movie as a local police officer. There’s a double twist at the end and a third, downbeat cliffhanger in the final shot that, for such a low budget effort, shows that the filmmakers definitely had the holiday spirit.

5. SECRET SANTA (2018)

An annual family gathering for one wealthy, and heavily malfunctioning family, descends into a bloodbath on Christmas Eve.

SECRET SANTA is an hilarious movie. The pacing is perfect in building the outburst of violence that escalates to bloodthirsty murder. The film then devolves into a more serious tone, leading to a final scene that suggests what afflicted this family was about to spread like a virus. Director Adam Marcus was behind the most daringly creative Jason Voorhees adventure with JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY (1994). He does the same for Christmas with this insanely wacky holiday horror about a family that redefines dysfunction. There's a great homage to THE THING (1982) via one of that film's funniest lines. And as divisive as this film will likely be (much like Marcus's FRIDAY flick), any movie that goes from a festive slaughter-thon to zombie outbreak via contaminated Christmas punch deserves your attention at least once. SECRET SANTA is Naughty and Nice in the best possible way.

6. THE NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2020)

Three years after the Woodridge massacre, serial killers Nicholas Conway and Michelle Weaver, alias Santa and Mrs. Claus, track down the remaining victims on their Naughty List while evading the FBI who are in hot pursuit.

This is the bigger, more ambitious sequel to 2017s impressive holiday fright-fest ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (at one point, going by the title of TWICE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS). Think SILENCE OF THE LAMBS Clarice Starling versus the NATURAL BORN KILLERS in Santa Claus outfits.

The plot is more convoluted due to the increased number of characters; although most of them are eventually killed off by the deliciously overacting pair of scene-stealing seasonal slashers. NIGHTS is bigger in scope and even more polished than its already slickly made predecessor. The movie ends on a cliffhanger so hopefully we’ll get that intended third chapter--ONE CHRISTMAS NIGHT IN A TOY STORE--to give this impressive series proper closure.

7. SILENT NIGHT (2021)

A family and their close friends gather for a final Christmas dinner before an impending apocalypse wipes out all of humanity.

Not to be confused with the awful John Woo movie SILENT NIGHT (2023) also set at Christmas, this is the bigger budgeted version of SECRET SANTA (2018); only instead of the family killing each other, they come to grips with the possible reality they will all be dead by the next day whether by the forthcoming apocalypse or via suicide pills the government urges citizens to take. Camille Griffin’s film starts off with this off-kilter, kooky and comical atmosphere but halfway through, the tone changes to THE MIST without the monsters. There’s lots to digest at this last supper, so if you’re expecting blood and guts flying everywhere, you’re probably better off partaking anywhere else besides the most depressing film on this list.

8. CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022)

A young record store owner must battle a malfunctioning robo-Santa delivering death on Christmas Night.

Likely inspired by recent robotic killers seen in the CHILD’S PLAY remake and then M3GAN (2022) that came shortly thereafter, we have here a robot killer Santa Claus. Unfortunately, aside from the ROBOCOP footfalls, it never moves like anything more than an actor wearing a Santa Claus suit. The practical gore is refreshing and it's occasionally entertaining, but that's as far as the gift-giving for this movie is going to go. CBC is never as hip as it wants to be with the Tarantino-like dialog written for grandly unlikable characters generously peppered with annoyingly excessive use of the word 'fuck'. It's used so much, you expect Rob Zombie to be seeking legal action.

9. SANTA ISN’T REAL (2023)

Nikki awakens from a year-long coma after nearly being killed by what she described as Santa Claus. The following Christmas, her friends take her to a secluded, snow-bound cabin to relax. The vacation turns to a night of horror when Jolly Old Saint Nick returns.

There are several movies of varying genres featuring Santa Claus as the main character, but this is the first to feature Old St. Nick as a purported slasher killer. SANTA ISN’T REAL revels in holiday ambiance, even going so far as to write new Christmas songs for it by a band called The Imaginaries. One of the best things director Zac Locke (executive producer of the second and laughably anti-male, feminazi-fueled BLACK CHRISTMAS remake from 2019) does with his movie is the sense of dread he creates; this isn’t always wrangled visually but audibly—such as the sound of blowing wind pounding the house from the outside.

The lead actress Kaya Coleman is a standout and a huge plus for this under-seen independent horror. The depiction of Santa as Slayer is genuinely creepy with his almost waxen facial image, reminiscent of the electronic Santa seen in the toy store stalk and kill sequence of the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984). Watch out for a mid-end credits scene where a pizza delivery man is greeted by Old St. Nick.

10. SLAY RIDE (2024)

The Kris Kringle Killer has slain 11 women and plans for one more to complete his 12 Days of Christmas killing spree. His last potential victim ends up being a woman who lives in the house the killer grew up in.

Starring, produced and directed by Olivia Dunkley (she also contributed to the music), the rambunctious SLAY RIDE is definitely on the Naughty List (as the psycho Kringle killer keeps saying) but has more than a few Nice things going for it. A film with a main character named Holly Woods (played by Dunkley) is clearly in on its own joke; and Holly isn’t having a jolly Christmas… at all. It’s like an 80 minute Texas Death Match—no disqualification, falls count anywhere. Anything goes. Did everyone do their own stunts?

Mitchel Gene Shira as the crazed Santa slasher is hilarious; and the most enjoyably over the top krazed Kringle performance since Eric Freeman in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 (1987). This RIDE operates on the same level of lunacy as FREEWAY (1996). It’s a gift that keeps on giving, totally unwrapping itself during an unexpectedly outrageous finale. SLAY RIDE could've used a much better advertising campaign, but it's the thought that counts; a lot of that went into this goofy, blackly humorous, Yuletide surprise.

11. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST CHRISTMAS (2025)

A group of friends meet at an isolated cabin for a Christmas reunion only to discover they're being set up for the kill over a deadly holiday prank a year earlier.

Just by the title alone, this barely feature-length flick (72 minutes including end credits), is the biggest rip-off on the Naughty List. It takes the plot of the popular slasher franchise (heavily influenced by the recent 2025 sequel) and turns into a lazily plotted holiday horror. Never leaving the confines of the vacation home it's set in, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST CHRISTMAS feels much longer than its scant running time. Easily forgotten once it's over, watching this movie is akin to receiving a last minute gift with the feeling that little to no thought went into it.

12. HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING (2025)

As a small boy, Chester witnessed his parents slaughtered by a maniac in a Santa suit. 17 years later, he returns to his childhood estate where conniving and vindictive members of his family plot to steal his inheritance from him. Meanwhile, an axe-wielding madman wearing a Santa suit begins a new murder spree.

One of the better Christmas horror films about bickering, back-stabbing (literally) families is this nifty thriller mixing CLUE-style theatrics with familiar holiday tropes and an occasional nod to merry scary horrors of Christmas past. The crazy old man warning the young Chester about Santa Claus recalls the similar sequence in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984) where Grandpa scares the absolute hell out of Billy about what Santa Claus does to little kids who haven't been good all year.

Caroline Williams (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2; THE STEPFATHER 2), one of the best Scream Queens still working in the horror genre, headlines the show, and resoundingly steals it in the films last half. The most recent example of the maladjusted, and quite demented, holiday family gathering features a killer Santa Claus, too; and looks back to the similar and underrated seasonal slasher, ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (2015). HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING is worth staying awake for.

On this 25th Day of December,

In the year 2025,

A Christmas you'll always remember,

If you're lucky to still be alive,

Till next year's season of Yuletide,

When Santa stalks anew,

For the Naughty with nowhere to hide...

The Crippled Masters (1980) review

2025-12-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

THE CRIPPLED MASTERS 1980 aka THE CRIPPLED HEAVEN (Chinese title: HEAVENLY CRIPPLE, EARTHLY DISABLED)

Shun Chung Chuen (Li Ho), Hong Chiu Ming (Tang Su Ting), Lin Chang Kueng (Li Chung Chien), Chen Mu Chuan (Ah Po)

Directed by Joe Law (Lo Chi, Luo Chi)

The Short Version: One of Kung Fu cinema's strangest motion pictures is this uniquely shocking, independently made martial arts movie about people with deformities beating the hell out of one another. Arguably the most exploitative Kung Fu flick of the 1970s is little more than an armless and legless man being trained by a contortionist to defeat a disfigured madman with a humpback of death. The plot is basic, but you're coming for the sideshow atmosphere.

Lin Chang Kuen runs an escort business transporting goods. He has a top reputation around town but is actually a villainous person who robs his clients. Anyone who disobeys him is killed. One of his workers, Li Ho, has his arms cut off. Later, the man who ordered Li's double-arm amputation has his legs destroyed with acid. Lin, himself a disfigured man, eventually takes over the town and forces all the businesses to pay him protection money. Meanwhile, the two cripples learn to fight in spite of their deficiencies. They eventually meet an undercover officer looking to reclaim eight jade horses stolen by Lin, and together, they all take on Lin Chang Kuen and his lethal humpback style of Kung Fu.

Hong Kong martial arts movies went through multiple changes throughout the 1970s. Swordplay pictures were exceedingly popular from the mid 1960s till they were replaced by empty-handed, Karate-style action in 1972. Action films about actual Chinese Kung Fu styles, particularly those of the Shaolin Temple, took center stage in 1974, and excelled rapidly by 1976. Wuxia cinema came back in a big way in 1976, popularizing novelists Ku Lung and Jin Yong. Movies with actors pretending to be Bruce Lee surfaced in 1974 and hit a peak in 1976. These Bruce flicks were mostly poorly received in Hong Kong, but were made primarily for export where they were hugely successful.

Then in 1978, the most budget-deprived trend yet, the Kung Fu comedy or, 'Bumpkin Kung Fu', took the genre by storm for roughly two years before being replaced theatrically by modern day crime films, gambling pictures and stunt-action comedies.

In the middle of that two-year period in 1979, filmmakers were seeking new ways to make the cheaply made, impoverished independent productions fresh again. The last gasp trend was Kung Fu flicks about fighters who were cripples, mentally ill, or had physical deformities. Virtually all of these were normal actors and martial artists who were made up to look disabled or were playing characters who were physically encumbered in some way. Joe Law's THE CRIPPLED MASTERS (1980) set itself apart by featuring real life cripples as its leading actors.

The following is both a review of THE CRIPPLED MASTERS and an article about its making; and its place in the genre during a period where these outdoor style of Kung Fu movies made for peanuts were about to lose their theatrical vitality.

THE CRIPPLED MASTERS touches all the bases of the Bumpkin Kung Fu movie template of the late 1970s while arguably being the most unorthodox film of its day. It was a risky endeavor for producer Shuai Yue Feng who had only been in the business for a little over a year and had already produced five films when this unusual picture was nearing completion.

Director Law Chi wasn't a stranger to tackling new ideas; such as in MONKEY KUNG FU (1980), aka MONKEY FIST, FLOATING SNAKE. In that one, it's the villain who must go and train to defeat the hero. The CRIPPLED co-star, Chen Mu Chuan, was the headliner, channeling Jackie Chan's bumpkin kid from SNAKE IN THE EAGLE'S SHADOW (1978); that being the film that birthed the final phase of the Kung Fu film before they became home video staples. They were replaced theatrically by romantic comedies and modern day crime pictures in the early 80s. Law Chi isn't a widely known filmmaker, but he was certainly not afraid to alter genre conventions to varying degrees.

The plot of THE CRIPPLED MASTERS is the standard revenge narrative. As is often the case in many of the indy KF features, there are major holes in the storyline. For example, we never know exactly what it is that Li Ho has done to have his arms severed from his body; it just happens. We also never know what problem Tang Su Ting had with Li Ho to gleefully order Li's maiming; it just happens. This is the nature of Hong Kong and Taiwan action cinema, and especially the lower budgeted, independent variety.

The film's Chinese title, HEAVENLY CRIPPLE, EARTHLY DISABLED, is a reference to the two main leads. Li Ho is the Heavenly Cripple with Tang being the Earthly Disabled.

Director Joe Law (who is sometimes listed as Lo Chi), and whose real name is Lo Zu, came from a filmmaking family. One of his younger cousins, Law Kei, or Luo Qi, or Lo Chi Shi, was also a director. He helmed a handful of movies with bizarre characters and peculiar subject matter that--adding to the similarities in their names--could easily give one the impression both men were the same person. Joe Law directed films primarily in Taiwan whereas Law Kei did a lot of acting and directing work in Hong Kong. Law the younger appeared in numerous Shaw Brothers productions as an extra like THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN (1967) and GOLDEN SWALLOW (1968). His work as an extra extended to his older cousin's films like THE KILLER SWORD (1968) and the troubled THUNDERBOLT (1973) for Golden Harvest.

Moreover, both men were friends with actor and martial artist Chen Kuan Tai, going back as far as Joe Law's WONG FEI HUNG: BRAVELY CRUSHING THE FIRE FORMATION (1970). Adding to the confusion, Law Kei was invited by Chen Kuan Tai and actor and comedian James Yi Lei, to direct the first film for their independent company, Tai Shen, founded in 1974; that film being THE CRAZY INSTRUCTOR (1974). The following year, Law Kei's THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE was released; not to be confused with the other THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE (1975), a Hong Kong-Thailand co-production starring Lo Lieh.

To further distinguish the two relatives, Law Kei, Joe Law's younger cousin, was behind one of the wackiest and most creative Bruce Lee clone movies, THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN (1977). Then there was BRUCE LEE THE INVINCIBLE (1978) that had nothing to do with Bruce Lee, but did have kung fu fighting gorillas. Law the younger then went back to Shaw Brothers to be a director on the bizarre, and outright terrible kung fu comedy, THE TIGRESS OF SHAOLIN (1979); or, as it's known in Chinese, THE LEPROSY FIST. This film, that starred Hui Ying Hung, Liu Chia Yung and Liu Chia Liang's sister, Liu Jui Yi, was one of a handful of deformity-cripple kung fu flicks that were in-production between 1978-1979; THE CRIPPLED MASTERS, directed by Joe Law, being among them.

Going back over a decade, Chang Cheh's THE ONE ARMED-SWORDSMAN (1967) initiated and popularized the disabled action hero wherein Jimmy Wang Yu lost an arm, had to overcome his handicap, avenge himself, and rescue his master's school from destruction by a rival gang of fighters. It was the first action film in Hong Kong to gross HK$1 million at the box office. Additional, similar pictures followed, like the 1969 South Korean imitation THE ARMLESS SWORDSMAN, and 1972s THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSWOMAN.

Throughout the 70s, Jimmy Wang Yu was the sole proprietor of this style of action picture, playing single-digit swordsmen and boxers battling an assortment of bad guys. After 1975s THE ONE-ARMED BOXER VS. THE FLYING GUILLOTINE, audiences were tired of Wang Yu waving his arm around against a slew of opponents. After a few more of them, Wang Yu himself either got tired of tying one arm behind his back, or the continuing bad box office.

When Chang Cheh returned to Grand Guignol Kung Fu cinema with the 1978 hit, CRIPPLED AVENGERS, more cripple-fests followed like THE FOUR INVINCIBLES (1979) and SIX KUNG FU HEROES (1980). Director Chang Cheh began the amputee trend in 1967; no sooner had Chang revisited stories of heroes with disabilities in 1978, enterprising film producers took notice and ran with it. A year into its new Jackie Chan-influenced platform, the Kung Fu flick was already suffering from over-saturation and needed a new look.

The reason for the volume of mangled martial artists was only partially due to filmmakers jumping on a bandwagon; it was also the changing mood of the HK viewing audience--a side effect due to the exhaustive number of movies being produced in Hong Kong; there were so many of them.

1978s SNAKE IN THE EAGLE'S SHADOW and especially DRUNKEN MASTER, rejuvenated the Kung Fu genre, but wore it out again several months later. Filmmakers had to once more find some new angle to spark interest and produce a new hit trendsetter. Coming up with weird fighting styles was no longer enough. Jackie Chan had captivated audiences with his comedy Kung Fu action that resulted in record-breaking box office. This also led to his health-endangering obsession with topping himself each time.

CRIPPLED AVENGERS was one of 48 Hong Kong films to gross over HK$1 million in 1978, becoming a top 20 hit. A group of disabled martial artists taking revenge was a novel concept, so why not mix that with the Kung Fu comedy?

1979 was the year bodily disfigurements became a major selling point in Kung Fu movies. In DRUNKEN ARTS AND CRIPPLED FISTS, Simon Yuen Siu Tien played a hunchbacked Kung Fu master teaching Li Yi Min what is essentially Arthritis Fist to defeat one his students gone rogue played by Lung Tien Sheng (FLAG OF IRON). Then there's CRIPPLED KUNG FU BOXER that showcased a hunchbacked main villain and a deformed kung fu style; there's even a swordsman with one arm. Back to Shaw Brothers again, there was the aforementioned LEPROSY FIST, aka TIGRESS OF SHAOLIN; and ROTTEN HEAD HO, aka DIRTY HO (1979); both films featuring disease-ridden, sideshow style characterizations.

One of the most bizarre, but entertainingly so, was 1979s KUNG FU VS YOGA. This one featured Dunpar Singh, an Indian contortionist possessing almost inhuman abilities to bend and stretch his body in the most jaw-dropping ways imaginable. This was produced by former Shaw Brothers superstar Paul Chang Chung for his indy production company, Chang Brothers. Much like Joe Law with THE CRIPPLED MASTERS, Paul Chang wanted to do a movie unlike the typical Kung Fu feature that had become so prominent; the only thing differentiating one from another was the new face leading the acting roster.

One ambitious producer was taking movies about fighters with physical ailments or deformities a step further...

In old magazine articles of the time period, Taiwanese Producer Shuai Yue Feng was being hailed as a hot new film producer, noting his founding of Golden Tower Film Company in August of 1978 (SNAKE came out in March of '78). He was a savvy, and moderately successful movie producer in an industry where it was commonplace for an indy company to go out of business after a single feature. Another young producer, Cheng Lan Rong (Chen Lang Jung), co-produced the cripple cult classic with Shuai Yue Feng alongside Li Ying Jan.

The idea of making a Kung Fu picture starring real life cripples was the brainchild of producer Shuai. For his main protagonists, Shuai wanted to cast non-actors. Chang Cheh had success with this industry model when he formed his 4th Generation of film stars, known outside HK as The Five Venoms. Director Sun Chung tried the same thing with TO KILL A MASTERMIND (1979). But instead of expending resources finding a multitude of new faces, Shuai Yue Feng settled on three.

The two leading actors chosen had never been in front of a camera before. Shun Chung Chuen (Shen Song Cun) was born without his arms while his co-star, Hong Chiu Ming (Kang Zhao Ming) was born with a bone disease that made him incapable of walking. The two men knew each other and, despite their disabilities, taught themselves Kung Fu. Both men ran the Han Ming Martial Arts Academy in Taiwan. At the time they were recruited to star in THE CRIPPLED MASTERS, they reportedly had 40 students.

Starring as the Kung Fu master of the two cripples was a well known contortionist named He Jiu (also billed as Ho Chiu); a 75 year old martial artist whose performance at the Japan World Expo was part of the film's promotion. Nicknamed 'King of Soft Bones', this was the only film appearance of He Jiu.

According to articles from 1979, producer Shuai "spared no expense" on this production. Indy Kung Fu films seldom had much money behind them; few if any actual sets, meager film crews, and sometimes there was no money to pay a scriptwriter. THE CRIPPLED MASTERS didn't have one. In cases like this, an outline is written with pages of dialog that are oftentimes written on the set each day. What script there was contained elements of Chang Cheh's CRIPPLED AVENGERS (1978) and THE MAGNIFICENT RUFFIANS (1979).

For this production, producer Shuai allowed director Joe Law to shoot a lot of footage over the course of 80 working days, which was a long time for a film with little to no actual production values. A reported 80,000 feet of film was amassed, amounting to over 14 hours of footage.

With so much random footage, the filmmakers still couldn't decide how to end the movie. As things play out, the two cripples and Ah Po (played by one of the choreographers Chen Mu Chuan) march to Li Chung Chien's home to take revenge. Po arrives with two coffins in tow with Li and Tang hidden inside of them. Po, wearing a blue jacket, engages Li Chung first. The cripples emerge from the coffins and begin fighting Li so Po runs off after Li's subordinate who earlier had tortured him; only now, Po isn't wearing the blue jacket and the scene plays out like it was meant for earlier in the movie. Then suddenly, the fight between the humpbacked villain and the crippled avengers has switched to their master's training ground out in the woods.

This continuity error is noticeable but not detrimental to the flow of the film; just that both the old master and Chen's character aren't seen again.

Chen Mu Chuan was a monkey Kung Fu specialist and had the same monkey master as Chen Kuan Tai. When Chen Kuan Tai broke his contract with Shaw Brothers to make IRON MONKEY (1977), Liu Chia Liang was supposed to have designed the action for what was to have been the inaugural film for their newly founded independent company. When Liu bailed, Chen Mu Chuan stepped in to choreograph the action sequences.

Filming for CRIPPLED MASTERS ended in November of 1979. The director and producer assembled what was described as an "uncut version" for a test screening. A distributor who ran one of the biggest theater chains in Taiwan liked what he saw and bought the license for that territory. Taiwanese filmgoers got to see this strange new curio in January of 1980.

Critics in Hong Kong weren't kind to this style of Kung Fu flick, referring to them as the "Terminal Disease Kung Fu films". They found them to be in almost as poor taste as the Bruce Lee clone pictures. They blamed Shaw Brothers for birthing the short-lived movement, going so far as to mock them by stating films like 'Hemorrhoid Girl vs Syphilis Hero', 'Butt Punch', and 'Abortion Fist Against Athletes Foot' would surely be the next big moneymakers. THE CRIPPLED MASTERS must've been a moderate success at least in Taiwan considering the few, unrelated sequels that followed.

New Line Cinema acquired US rights, and released it in America as THE CRIPPLED MASTERS. As often happened in those days, the two leads were given Americanized names. Shun Chung Chuen was called Frankie Shum while his co-star, Hong Chiu Ming, was renamed as Jack Conn.

Producer Shuai Yue Feng felt he had something special; so he immediately began preparations for a sequel titled 'The Three Crippled Wanderers'. This followup was to have added a blind Kung Fu fighter to the mix. The actual sequel didn't surface till a year later and was titled FIGHTING LIFE (1981) wherein Shun Chung Chuen and Hong Chiu Ming take off to find a job in the big city. Shuai Yue Feng co-directed this unrelated sequel, but had no involvement in the next two films starring Shun and Hong.

Their time in the industry was brief, but they did two more movies together; starring again in TWO CRIPPLED HEROES (1982), which was another story-centered movie for the two men. Here, they protect a blind girl from a gang of local thugs. This film was released on VHS in the late 80s by Video Treasures, so it was the introduction to these crippled masters for a number of fans.

They appeared one final time in 24 SHAOLIN MOVES (1983), aka RAIDERS OF SHAOLIN TEMPLE and in Chinese as 24 SHAOLIN HORSEMEN. Shun Chung Chuen (who passed away in 2014) and Hong Chiu Ming are no longer the leads, but in cameo appearances as the teachers to Sonny Yu, a real life martial arts master who still possesses an amazing degree of agility in his old age. RAIDERS was a First Films Production.

As for the Two Crippled Heroes, their debut outing is the best of the quartet. It's a novelty film with a high degree of exploitation and entertainment value. To the Drive-in and 42nd Street crowd, it delivers plenty of cheap, even grotesque thrills. Sometimes you'll see so-called academics read things into these films that aren't there. Most of these movies were never intending for anything other than to grab an audiences attention and their money in the process. The filmmakers responsible for THE CRIPPLED MASTERS were aiming for something uniquely different, and succeeded, despite any technical handicaps.

This review is representative of the Film Masters blu-ray. Specs and extras: new 2K HD scan, 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen; English and mandarin language tracks; Kings of Kung Fu: Releasing the Legends documentary; commentary track; Kung Fu movie trailers; original 1982 trailer; new, re-cut trailer; before/after restoration; booklet; running time: 01:31:28

Memories of Mummies in Cairo: An Interview with Actor Barry Sattels

2025-11-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

"This was actually my second time being in Egypt. When I was into construction, mixing concrete and things I wound up traveling for a year all over Europe and the Middle East... Our hotel was opposite the pyramids, the major pyramids, and another 10 kilometers away was Saqqara... It's a strange place that's especially peculiar shooting nights there. I loved it there, a wonderful experience".

Barry Sattels is one of many Hollywood actors who never became a major name, but is a remarkably good and versatile performer still active in the entertainment industry. In the following interview, Mr. Sattels discusses in detail working on one of the 1980s most underrated and under-appreciated horror movies, the US-Egyptian co-production, DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981). He also delves into his early theater work that molded his television and motion picture roles, as well as some of the other films he worked on. He also discusses his other interests and endeavors that reveal Mr. Sattels to be more than an actor, but a multi-talented man whose aptitude and skill level has built much more than a career in film and television. (Insert: Barry and company on MISFITS OF SCIENCE in 1986)

VENOMS5: What started your career as an actor?

BARRY SATTELS: I was in Philadelphia, which is where I'm from. I was in and out of college for about six years. I kept stopping at certain points and decided not to go back. After that I wound up meeting a guy who did landscaping; a real eccentric character. Oddly enough, he had a C-plane parked in front of his house by the Schuykill River that runs through Philadelphia. He did these really wild things with gardens. I worked with him, and simultaneously I was also working with a childhood friend of mine at the neighborhood Playhouse. He just came back from the Playhouse and he said he wanted to create something so that the actors have a common technique. He came from the same style of acting that Meisner teaches at the Playhouse in New York. So I said great. We'd actually done a few things before that. We'd done a play at the University of Pennsylvania and some other things. I got together with him and over the course of the next eight years, I was doing carpentry and various other types of construction; and in that time, I ended up being a teacher, the lead in practically all the plays we did, and from there I moved to New York where I worked on a soap opera. (Insert: Barry on SIMON & SIMON in 1983)

And after that, I ended up in California. A friend of mine from North Carolina, he moved out to Hollywood for years. He had a series on TV called CODE OF VENGEANCE (1986) and he brought me in to be on it. We shot in New Orleans. We did what they normally don't do which is a Roadshow; in other words, they picked up from New Orleans and went to shoot at some other location. They don't normally do that because it gets expensive for the studios to haul everybody and all the equipment here and there. It was a cool series, but it was canceled as the costs were too high... and DAWN OF THE MUMMY fits in between there, that movie was one of the first things I did out of New York. And when I came out here to California, I've been here ever since. (Top: Barry with Kate Jackson on SCARECROW AND MRS. KING in 1987; Insert: Rod Taylor, Barry and William Lucking on OUTLAWS in 1987)

V5: Were there any film actors that drove you to enter the film and television industry?

BS: At that moment, no. For me, it was about creating a common technique with the actors, it was about trying to create the greatest theater there ever was. I had my head set on that, and that had to do with my childhood friend, a man named Joe Alfred. We shared writing together, for many years, many artistic endeavors. It was a great union, it really was. And from there, my first on-camera work was on television doing a soap in New York, and guest starred on 40 different television shows out in California. I did do one film in Philadelphia, which was kind of interesting. I did some more theater, but once I started doing film work, I really got into it. It's a whole different experience because everything is new every time--the cast is new, the director is new, and so on. (Insert: Barry playing a stage actor on an episode of MASQUERADE in 1984)

V5: How did DAWN OF THE MUMMY come your way?

BS: I was cast for it in New York. It was a casting call. My agent told me about it and I went over and read for it. I was looking at the names connected with it, and I believe Mr. Agrama and his wife wrote the script. They gave me the role and told me, "You're about to go to Egypt" (laughs). I met the rest of the cast at the Hilton. We took a shuttle to the airport and off we went to Cairo. The first thing we did when we got there being the crazy actors we were, was go out and get some horses and we rode up to the pyramids (laughs)... which means we were out of it for two days at that point (laughs).

V5: Before you went to Cairo, what was your audition like?

BS: Sometimes you get a full script and sometimes you just get the sides. I think I only had the sides (script excerpts). The reason I got cast in it, which I reflect on once in a while... in the Repetition Technique, which is what they teach at the Playhouse, is that you just run with what you have. The guy who was working opposite me, he was up for the same part, but we were reading two different parts so they could watch us to choose who got the role. He kind of fumbled a bit, almost like he wasn't present. And I worked on that and ran with it, because that was the type of character I ended up playing; this photographer who's in charge of all these models so I did the audition like I was in charge and I got the part.

So then, while I'm in New York, I called up three famous photographers. I said, "I'd love to come by and watch you shoot. I'm about to play a photographer shooting in Egypt", and they said for me to come on by. So I went to three different studios that night. All three were totally different. Some were really studious. One of them would play loud rock music the whole time. When he was finished shooting, when his camera was out of film, he would throw the camera up in the air and someone behind him would catch it and then hand him a camera loaded with film and he'd continue... (laughs), it was really wild (laughs)! So I tried to bring in some of the characteristics of all of them, although I'm not sure how much of it I was able to get in.

I remember the first day of filming was the three Bedouin's who enter the tomb. The cinematographer was Italian, Sergio Rubini and Frank Agrama, the director, was Egyptian. He ran Agrama Films, it was a big translating house. The Egyptians, they learned to speak English for business, French for entertainment, and they speak Farsi. They are intensely educated. This was actually my second time being in Egypt. When I was into construction, mixing concrete and things I wound up traveling for a year all over Europe and the Middle East. So I wound up in Cairo. I was in Luxor and Aswan and ended up there again filming DAWN OF THE MUMMY. It's a beautiful country and can be wonderfully exotic.

So Rubini, who supposedly worked with Fellini, is speaking Italian on the set; Frank Agrama is speaking Egyptian and English, and everybody else is speaking either English or Farsi. On the set, you'd hear two words a lot. One is just before you're about to shoot, you'd hear "Makesh", the Arabic word for "Makeup"; the same thing you'd hear on films in America when they call "Makeup", for the final touches they do before turning the camera on. And then as you're about to start filming, instead of saying "Shooting", they'd say "Sakoot", which is the Arabic equivalent. It's also the Arabic word for "Shut up".

We shot in Saqqara. Our hotel was opposite the pyramids, the major pyramids, and another 10 kilometers away was Saqqara. You had to walk across the desert to get there. We did night shoots there for a week. In Saqqara they have what's called the Step Pyramids. It's a strange place that's especially peculiar shooting nights there. I loved it there, a wonderful experience. It's one of the great things about film, shooting on location. They treated you different there, too. They respected you because you were an American and they had great respect for American cinema. They took care of us over there. Shooting in Egypt has an ethereal quality about it, especially shooting at night. It was a great experience and a terrific film to work on over there.

V5: What was your impression of director Frank Agrama?

BS: Frank was great. He handled everything. A brilliant guy, he really was. I'd mentioned to you earlier about the husband and wife writing team. We had a different director in the beginning, a man named Armand Weston. After a day and a half of shooting we're told there's a delay over a contract dispute. I forget how long it lasted, but all of the actors are waiting at the hotel and we're told there's a contract dispute with the director. I don't know if things weren't happening the way he wanted, or what was agreed to, but he left the production; so Frank took over as director, and Sergio's behind the camera with him. After every shot, Sergio would say, "Good for me, good for you" (laughs).

V5: Were there any difficulties during the filming?

BS: Just the logistics of shooting at night in certain places. I had to learn to drive a jeep sideways on a hillside. We had a lot of extras there, some of whom got hurt; production safety isn't that strong over there. Other than that it was great, it really was. I had a great time making it.

V5: The actor who played the Mummy remains the scariest mummy I've seen in these films. What are your memories of him?

BS: He was wonderful to work with. He had a disease that made him over seven feet tall. I don't think he lived very long. I had a great time working with him. For my death scene I had a prosthetic stomach made for me. It opened up and inside they put a bunch of rabbit guts and covered it with wax and put makeup on it. The mummy puts his hands on my throat, burning it before reaching into the stomach and pulling my guts out. They put a heating coil on his hand. So when he reached in it melted the wax and then he pulled out the rabbit guts.

V5: So you weren't buried partially in the sand at all? The appliance was attached to you?

BS: Yes, the only one that got hurt in the scene was the actor playing the Mummy. They didn't separate the coil from his hand, so it burnt the shit out of his hand. That was one of those stunts that got somebody hurt. He was a sweetheart of a guy. He'd been a freak all his life, so he had a quality about that. He was a very interesting guy.

V5: How long did it take to set up your death scene?

BS: It took a while. This was a night shoot. I was lying on the ground waiting while they were wrapping his hand with the coil in it. I laid there for about an hour. They eventually had to cover me with a blanket because it gets cold in the desert at night.

V5: Do you know if DAWN OF THE MUMMY played anywhere in America? It played everywhere else around the world.

BS: It played in New York, I believe on 42nd Street. I didn't go to see it when it was shown. I can't recall why I didn't go, or possibly I heard about it after it had played. The producers want their films to be shown so they can enter it in things. Kind of like how in some theaters they'll show a 15 minute short; that's to help somebody out so they can submit it for awards consideration, and to do so it has to have had a public viewing. Also, it's great press to say your film opened in New York.

V5: So after you finished DAWN OF THE MUMMY, you moved out to California and that's how you got back into television?

BS: I can't recall the name of the first series I did, but I worked on CAGNEY AND LACEY for two years. Having a character to regularly work with was great. We shot in a studio on 26th Street. We didn't shoot on a lot. Many TV programs are shot on a lot, and some location shots as well. CAGNEY AND LACEY shot a lot of their episodes at one studio in particular and they were the only program that shot there. It was this great old studio and they had it all to themselves, which was really cool. (Top: Barry with Sharon Gless and Stephen Macht on CAGNEY & LACEY in 1987; Insert: Barry as Tony Stantinopolis on C&L)

Another thing that was interesting about shooting there was working around the train schedule. The train was within 400 yards where the studio was. So they'd look at the schedule and say, "Okay, we've got the 11;05 coming in so we're gonna hold the shot... we're gonna hold". So you'd stand there and then you'd hear this "Woo Wooo Woooo" coming (laughs)... it passes and you'd hear "Okay, it's gone, let's go, let's go" (laughs). That was always fun. (Top and insert: Barry Sattels and Sharon Gless on C&L)

Also, we had a table reading each week. Everyone would sit around and read the script. The two girls, Sharon Gless and Tyne Daley would be there, the producer would be there, the director, and we'd all read it. It was like a family. And I was like an outsider in a way since you'd have all the cops there all the time and I was only there every four shoots, or whatever it was. I had a terrific time working on the show. (Top and insert: Barry as Tony Stantinopolis on CAGNEY & LACEY)

V5: What was the difference in shooting movies versus television?

BS: They're both wonderful. You're shooting the same way, basically. Sometimes when I was in a scene, talking out, or I was thinking, I'd look at someone out there and get this look back... (laughs) it was a good way to make you concentrate. So like I said, it's a lot of the same thing. Like a lot of films, you get back into a studio working on a set. Sometimes there's money crunches where you have to short-shrift things. (Top: Billy Drago and Barry in the racing thriller BANZAI RUNNER from 1987; Insert: Barry and Connie Sellecca in an episode of HOTEL from 1984)

I remember on one TV job... usually you come in and shoot a wide shot of a scene; and then get a close up on me and the other actors. You do a scene a few times, I'm giving him my lines, the other actor giving me their lines; they have all these close up shots they can cut to if they want to. I remember this one time they got so boxed in on time they shot everything that was on that side of the room, then turned the camera around and shot everything on the opposite side of the room, so they intermixed all the scenes (laughs). You're shooting your half of scenes 5,7, and 9; then all of a sudden it switches around and you're giving your lines to somebody else who's shooting the other side of 5,7, and 9. I can't recall the show, but I killed my father in that one, who played a Don... a famous actor. (Top: Barry and Randi Brooks in an AIRWOLF episode from 1985; Insert: Barry and Belinda Montgomery in an episode of FINDER OF LOST LOVES in 1985)

V5: Speaking of Don's, you played the main villain, a gangster character in a Cannon movie called NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET (1987). What was it like working for Cannon at that time?

BS: Those guys were terrific. The director of that movie, Jack Smight... you remember I told you earlier about the friend of mine from North Carolina who was working on the CODE OF VENGEANCE (1986) series in New Orleans? Jack Smight was directing it. Jack was a great director, he liked me and he hired me to do the part in NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET, working with Robert Carradine and Billy Dee Wiliams. I just saw Robert recently at a party about three weeks ago.

V5: You were working with a lot of big names including Peter Graves and others in the main cast. Did you get to hang out much together?

BS: Peter Graves, no. Unless you bump into somebody having lunch or something, or you are doing a scene together, you don't always get time to mingle with them. Billy Dee was great. I was having trouble with a girlfriend at the time. I was down in the dumps one day. Billy Dee and I hadn't really spoken much and he comes by and says, "hey, what's up?" I told him I had this going on and he listened to everything I said and gave his opinion on it... he's just a fantastic guy. A wonderful, big-hearted guy. I loved him.

We set up twice for my death scene and they wound up scrapping it for some reason, I can't remember what happened. I was supposed to be thrown from a building. It wasn't matching up due to bad weather so they had to re-shoot it. They didn't get the weather right the next night either because they were shooting from one side to the other side. At one point I was supposed to be taken out by a sniper. I do wish I had more scenes in the film. You needed to see my character doing things, more interaction with Billy Dee and Robert to make it more provocative. I remember they lost the film at one point, which may have been why they needed to do re-shoots and change things.

V5: You did a handful of erotic thrillers in the 1990s like THE PRICE OF DESIRE (1997). Did you have any apprehensions making films like that or was it like any other acting job?

BS: Like any other acting job. The director on that one, Paul Thomas, was connected with the biggest porn house in America located in Los Angeles. He made a lot of porn, Once a year he'd shoot a straight film, one that didn't have any hardcore sex in it. There were a lot of girls with their tits out, but no explicit sex; they'd get as close as they could, so that was the differentiation. Most everybody who worked on those films were all from the porn industry. A very interesting group of characters, they are. (Top: Barry in THE PRICE OF DESIRE [197]; Insert: Barry in LOVER'S LEAP [1995])

V5: You're married to actress Lisa London. You've worked together a few times. How did you two meet?

BS: We actually met through an actor named David Proval, who costarred with Robert De Niro in MEAN STREETS (1973). He was a teacher as well and is still acting today. We were both in the same class and that's how we met, initially. We married in 2001. (Top: De Niro and David Proval in MEAN STREETS; insert: Actress and Casting Director, Lisa London)

V5: Going back to DAWN OF THE MUMMY, have you seen it recently, and if so, how do you feel about it all these years later?

BS: The last time I saw it was a couple years ago. There are a few scenes I think to myself, "Hmmmm, I'm not sure if that worked or not" (laughs). Some of it I thought was pretty cool. It's interesting to go back to the day and remember a particular moment what I was thinking at that instance in time. You think about what could've worked differently, about what was happening around you.

I met a guy once, I'd gone to his theater and was telling him I couldn't do a part because I had an audition for a TV show and he said he'd done 35 of them up to that time. At that point, I hadn't done many and I went "Wow", and he says, "Yeah... I never saw any of them" (laughs). How interesting is that? And I think of that because it's not about being critical of yourself, he just made a decision to not watch himself. It's common to not watch yourself on screen. When I'd first left Philadelphia I still had a lot of friends there who were interested in when I'd be on a show. What was great about that was because when I'd went back to Philadelphia and they'd seen me on TV last week they'd think I was around. It wasn't like 'here comes the guy from California who I haven't seen for 8 months'. That's one aspect of it, so I like revisiting for that reason.

V5: Have you seen any of your co-stars since you made DAWN OF THE MUMMY?

BS: John Salvo, I haven't seen for a while. We were great friends for a long time... I've not heard from John in quite a while. I've seen no one else in the cast in the years since so I don't know what they're doing now. Brenda... we got along great. George Peck... he was a bus driver in New York. They got all pissed off at him at one point, he wouldn't let people on the bus; he'd say "No you're not, no fare today". He was picking up people who were kind of destitute and letting them ride around the city for free... they got really pissed at him over that (laughs). Tough New Yorker, man... George. (Ahmed Rateb, Barry and John Salvo; Insert: Ellen Faison and George Peck)

V5: Do you have any other memories you'd like to share about making DAWN OF THE MUMMY?

BS: One memory was, I was talking about the three Bedouin's earlier, the ones who were coughing inside the tomb. I got to talking to one of them and found him to be an interesting personality. I discovered he was a stage actor who had just done King Lear on Broadway in Cairo. One evening he invited me to go with him into Cairo. Nobody else would go with me. So I went to Cairo to a cafe, watched people go by, and had a conversation with this guy who was a brilliant stage actor who'd made many Egyptian films who was now working on this American film playing a small part as a Bedouin coughing in a tomb.

V5: That was something of a happy accident--you being a theater actor and he being a theater actor having a conversation.

BS: It was interesting because I was there and nobody would come with me. Something else about working over there was you always had censors watching you in Cairo the entire time. They don't do it for their own films, just for foreigners shooting in Cairo. They were always around saying, "No, you can't do that". They make some really violent films in Egypt, but they approached nudity differently.

Another memory was we were invited to dinner by one of the major Egyptian cast members, an actor of note in Egypt. We were invited to his house, it was a traditional dinner; it might've been around 20 people there from the cast, and his friends were there. It was a lovely house in a large, wonderful room. At one point, the women got up and did their belly dancing. I think he already had some belly dancers there, but there were couples whose wives also danced. So when the wives got up and did their scarf dancing and things like that, which were very sexual movements, they then owned the entire room... they owned all the men. And when they went back to sit down they then went back to being a wife. You look at something like that--watching people having a handle on their culture. They know what their culture is and they respect its boundaries. And you suddenly feel like you're in this wonderful novel. In comparison, we get so confused in America about this and that.

V5: Are you still acting today?

BS: Yes, I am. I did a film about a month ago. They're doing a sequel so I'll be doing that one as well. I'm playing the same character. It's about this bunch of crazies who try to spook these people into not buying a house. It's a strange film and was a gas making it.

V5: I see you have another business, Los Angeles Landscapes?

BS: Yes, Los Angeles Landscapes. I design gardens. When I was doing construction for a while I was doing vertical concrete. Talk about dramatic, I loved doing that. I went back to doing landscaping. I also do CAD programs and work as a licensed landscape contractor and I also do architecture. I recently designed a house down at the beach. To build a house you have to know what it's going to look like. The style comes out of your choices, and your artistic temperament and all that. Aside from all the spaces and all the windows I specced out, there was this glass folding door that's ten feet across. It folds in on itself so you can open up the entire deck to the kitchen. I designed everything in the house. (Top: Barry with Linda Gray on DALLAS in 1985; Insert: Barry and Tom Selleck on MAGNUM, P.I. in 1987)

What else I do, the other aspect of that is you have to make sure the house will stand up and doesn't fall down; so I then take the design to an engineer who takes my drawings to the building department. They get the permits to start construction and that's how you build a house. (Top: Barry in his second AIRWOLF appearance in 1985, pictured with Art Hindle)

V5: Last question, how do you feel about horror cinema these days and do they appeal to you at all?

BS: I do like some horror films, but it was never a genre I followed very much. I'm not into the grisly style of horror so much. I'd written a script, which was sort of a horror film. I co-wrote it with a friend of mine who writes screenplays all the time. I'd taken a course in screenwriting at UCLA. You'd write a script by the time you got out. I had all the fundamentals down and I brought him in because he writes scripts all the time and he re-fashioned it. At one point we had somebody optioning it and then something happened with a similar film in the industry and he dropped it so we never resumed... that's the way it goes sometimes. (Insert: Barry as The Watcher, in the short-lived HBO thriller series, THE EDGE in 1989)

V5: Mr. Sattels, it's been a sincere pleasure discussing your life and career with you.

BS: Thank you. I haven't talked about these things, specific things, so it's been interesting looking back and thinking about what I was doing, putting it all into words and reminiscing of those moments.

An enormous Thank You to Mr. Sattels for taking time out of his schedule to do this interview. If you'd like to check out his Los Angeles Landscapes website, you can do so HERE.

If you've never seen DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981) before, and you want to read a review, we have a newer, December 2024 write-up that you can read HERE.

Ranking the Horror: Franchises of Fear Part 3

2025-10-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

The Ranking the Horror series returns for the third go-round (you can read Part 1 HERE and Part 2 HERE), containing an assortment of franchises with varying sequels ranging from the late 70s to today. In the first there was six... then there twelve... now, there is a terrifying ten titles plus one bonus franchise ranked from Best to Least, and sometimes Worst. Of the series's featured, you'll find a variety of ghosts, supernatural creatures, aliens and slashers.

Ranking the PHANTASM series: 5 entries (1979-2016)

1. PHANTASM II (1988)

It took almost ten years, but as the tagline says, “The ball is back”. PII does a sequel the right way—staying the course plotted by its predecessor and adding things along the way. Picking up where part 1 ended, Reggie rescues Mike from the Tall Man only to end up in an institution for 8 years. He gets out and he and Reggie find out alien caretaker of Morningside Cemetery has been busy robbing every local grave and in the towns beyond. They go on the road to track him down and what follows is a series of makeup effects-filled horror sequences that, even with studio interference, retains the originals nightmarish flavor. Funded by Universal for $3 million dollars, PII has the biggest budget of the series and it shows. You’re in for lots of explosions, splashy gore, even deadlier golden spheres, a chainsaw battle and ghoulish set design. As distinctive as the first movie is, PII narrowly takes the #1 spot for this series.

2. PHANTASM (1979)

PHANTASM is possibly the most fiercely imaginative and visually impressive horror film of the 1970s. Built around a nightmare director Don Coscarelli had, where else but in a nightmare could a story be dreamt up about two brothers and a friend taking on an alien in human guise who transforms corpses into midget monsters to be used as slaves on his home planet. Probably part of what makes this series popular with fans is that horror appeals to young boys and teens. Coscarelli makes strong, identifiable use of them in the main roles. Unlike other franchises where the later sequels tend to stray far from their series boundaries, PHANTASM is thoroughly bizarre from the start and becomes even more so with each sequel. Both Angus Scrimm as The Tall Man and those flying spheres that burrow into people’s heads became iconic in horror film history. All five films in this franchise have something unique to offer.

3. PHANTASM V: RAVAGER (2016)

With each sequel, series creator Coscarelli managed to design fascinatingly original stories. He only co-wrote RAVAGER, the wildest and most ambitious PHANTASM of the series, but also the one with the lowest budget. For a film made for even less money than P4, it’s incredible what the filmmakers were able to pull off. There’s a level of passion in RAVAGER you won’t find in low budget movies made for a few million… millions Coscarelli and the rest of the crew didn’t have. If the film feels episodic, that’s due to it being shot in secret over the course of a few years; made in the same way the first movie was made. The storyline is as surrealistic as prior entries but in different ways. There’s flurries of ideas swirling constantly for the duration of the film’s 85 minutes.

The main theme this time seems to be the sorrow of getting old and dying. Reggie wanders a post-apocalyptic America, battling numerous Spheres, seeking to destroy the Tall Man; then periodically waking up in a nursing home, sharing a room with a decrepit Tall Man and being visited by Mike in scenes that give the impression these bizarre adventures have been in Reggie’s head all along. The ending is unusually touching as Reggie, Mike and Jody reunite one final time. As for highlights, there’s car chases, lots of guns, the return of the Lady in Lavender, giant Spheres napalming the Earth, a spectacular finish to the Tall Man, and if you stick around midway into the end credits, you’ll see a lengthy sequence depicting the return of Rocky joining the boys in Reggie’s weapons-laden ‘71 Plymouth Barracuda. Some fans dislike it, but RAVAGER is a grand love letter to both the series and its cast and crew that came together for the series since it began back in 1979. Years from now, RAVAGER will be viewed in a far better light, as the incredibly resilient passion project it is.

4. PHANTASM III: LORD OF THE DEAD (1994)

PIII picks up at the end of the previous movie before jumping ahead two years. Reggie, Mike and his deceased brother Jody are together again. The Spheres return with new body possessing and mind-melding abilities. There’s more on the Spheres origins too. Two new characters are introduced, a resourceful little boy named Tim whose family was taken by the Tall Man. The other is a Kung Fu fighting chick named Rocky. The road movie aesthetic of PII is carried over but adds humor to the mix. There’s an impressive car stunt, zombies, lots of action, and The Tall Man has more dialog than he did previously. The final scene combines the series’ traditional shock ending with a cliffhanger. PIII missed the #3 spot by a hair, landing at #4.

5. PHANTASM IV: OBLIVION (1998)

The PHANTASM series finally enters into full-blown THE ROAD WARRIOR (1981) territory as Reggie, Mike and Jody battle the Tall Man across an American wasteland. The slender man from another dimension has largely been a mystery till this entry. Like the previous sequels, OBLIVION picks up where PIII left off. Mike has left Reggie behind after discovering he has a Sphere embedded in his head. Jody convinces Reggie to go after him so we’re back in road trip mode. Meanwhile, The Tall Man tries to bring Mike to the Dark Side; in turn, Mike tries to go back to the past to kill the Tall Man before he becomes evil in the future. With far less money available, P4 is primarily a character-driven sequel with elements of STAR WARS, THE TERMINATOR, and lots of outtakes from the first PHANTASM to further the story. P4's strong point is the amount of dialog and character development the Tall Man is given. Highlights are a swarm of Spheres like bees; one of the Tall Man’s minions disguised as a cop; a hot chick with balls in her breasts; and Reggie using a four-barrel shotgun. Director Coscarelli wasn’t able to do what he wanted with this sequel, but what he pulls off is a textbook example of ingenuity with scant resources. OBLIVION, the talkiest film in the series, ends with another cliffhanger. It’s not a bad film by any means; OBLIVION sets a different tone from the rest, burrowing into the #5 spot.

Ranking the SLEEPAWAY CAMP series: 3 entries (1983-1989) *Note: RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP (2008) was unavailable for viewing*

1. SLEEPAWAY CAMP II: UNHAPPY CAMPERS (1988)

By 1988, slasher movies had long given up being scary, settling on lighter tones. In the case of SCII, it pokes fun at the genre with dark humor that can be aptly described as an R-rated MEATBALLS meets FRIDAY THE 13th. The deaths are plentiful and varied in spite of the low budget. Pamela Springsteen (Bruce’s sister) is Angela Baker, formerly Peter Baker, the Angel of Death, after a sex change operation. She’s now a counselor at Camp Rolling Hills who kills the horn-dog campers in a variety of ways including burnings, battery acid, and one is drowned in a shit-filled, leech-infested outhouse. Loaded with cheap gore and sophomoric humor, SCII is tops in this trilogy.

2. SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983)

1983 was the last truly good year for the slasher movie. It was also showing signs of fatigue, eventually losing both its ability to scare and showcase good makeup effects when the films began landing on video store shelves instead of movie theaters. SC is a mid-grade slasher with bad performances but gets by on its sleaziness and an unusually queasy atmosphere slasher movies rarely got; it's of a similar class to something like Romano Scavolini's NIGHTMARE (1981). SLEEPAWAY CAMP is best remembered for an insane ending you won’t see coming.

3. SLEEPAWAY CAMP III: TEENAGE WASTELAND (1989)

Paycho killer Angela returns to the scene of her crimes at Camp Rolling Hills, now renamed Camp New Horizons. Masquerading as a camper she killed at the beginning, Angela wastes no time executing the campers part of a social status integration project. The cop who arrested Angela, and the father of Shawn, the guy who was decapitated in part 2, is a counselor who has a fatal run-in with Angela. It’s one of the few good moments in an otherwise lousy sequel that has lots of potential. Shot back to back with part 2, there wasn’t much remaining of the budget to properly complete the feature. SCIII ranks #3, the least and weakest of the trilogy.

Ranking the FRIGHT NIGHT series: 4 entries (1985-2013)

1. FRIGHT NIGHT (1985)

This series is one of two that's ranked chronologically. Teenager Charlie Brewster finds out his new next-door neighbor is a vampire. Nobody believes him, even after he becomes the bloodsucker's next target. Brewster seeks out his favorite late night horror host, Peter Vincent, to help him destroy his undead neighbor. FRIGHT NIGHT is one of the best movies of the 1980s, and one of the finest examples of the horror-comedy. Humor infiltrated the genre in the mid 80s and could be an unwelcome guest in the genre house; here though, it works wonderfully. The soundtrack is catchy, there's some genuine scares, a bucketful of memorable moments, and superb practical effects that would be bled dry by CGI ten years later.

2. FRIGHT NIGHT PART II (1988)

William Ragsdale and Roddy McDowall return to their popular roles of Charlie Brewster and Peter Vincent, vampire killers. This time, they’re confronted by Regine, the sister to Jerry Dandridge who is out to avenge her brother’s destruction. There’s also a werewolf and a bug-munching butler. FN2 tries hard to attain that same quirky ambiance of the first movie. For the most part, director Tommy Lee Wallace succeeds. Some of the funny business doesn’t work well at all, but the look of the film, the music and makeup effects match its predecessor. Everyone involved is clearly a huge fan of the original movie. FN2 is an underrated and under-seen sequel.

3. FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)

The remake of the 80s mega-classic is surprisingly good, even if Colin Farrell seems an odd choice for the Jerry Dandridge role. It's also fairly faithful to the original; making minor changes to the characters, and moving events around while changing how they play out. The lack of hands-on makeup effects in favor of computer generated imagery shows just how woeful software technology really is. When you see Farrell transform into vampire form, it looks flat, like a videogame compared to Sarandon's complicated makeup applications that look live and in the moment.

4. FRIGHT NIGHT 2: NEW BLOOD (2013)

This sequel to the remake is just another remake—resetting the entire premise with the same characters in an entirely different story. Charlie, Amy and Evil Ed are exchange students in Romania. Peter Vincent is a reality TV personality starring in a paranormal horror series called Fright Night. The film is similar to the sequel to the 1985 original in that the vampire is female. She has the same name, only hers is spelled Gerri Dandridge. We later learn this cunning vampiress is actually Elizabeth Báthory. The characters aren’t engaging at all, but the movie is certainly worth seeing for curiosity value. It tries to maintain that hip tone of the original if only the opulent horror metal style would stop getting in the way. FN2 would be a better film if it was called something else.

Ranking the I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER series: 4 entries (1997-2025)

1. I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1998)

I STILL KNOW brings back Hewitt and Prinze in a sequel that’s inventive enough to keep you guessing till the final reveal. Whereas the original is a straightforward slasher, the makers of part 2 were wise enough to play with viewers expectations; making it slightly better than its predecessor. Hewitt oozes sexuality, going from being a vulnerable woman to a strong one—looking gorgeous the entire time. A year after the first movie’s events, Julie and three friends win a trip to the Bahamas and once again encounters a hook-handed killer. The participation of Jeffrey Combs, Dr. Herbert West, himself, as the resort manager, was a nice surprise that pushes this sequel slightly ahead of its originator.

2. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1997)

SCREAM came out in 1996, mocking 80s slasher movies while reinvigorating the horror genre and leading the charge for the blandest horror poster designs ever conceived. LAST SUMMER came out the following year and was a truer rendition of serious slashers before comedy ruined them towards the end of the 1980s. Some scenes defy logic, but regardless, this slasher throwback was a sizable success, paving the way for the likes of three URBAN LEGEND films, VALENTINE (2001) and the FINAL DESTINATION series. There are no creative kills that are the bread n’ butter of these films, but the mystery surrounding the deaths is written and shot well enough that you don’t need them. Shot in california and the real Southport, NC.

3. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2025)

Apparently the filmmakers didn’t want to slap a ‘4’ on their movie nor find a new adverb so they recycled the first film’s title; so if you’re expecting a remake, it’s actually a sequel to the second movie (the third didn’t continue the storyline). Jennifer Love Hewitt reprises her role from the first two films, as does Freddie Prinze, Jr. There’s a slew of potential suspects that provide numerous twists, although the big reveal is kind of nonsensical and nearly ruins the entire picture. The moments where the generation of the first movie is compared to the one 28 years later is a nice touch. Australia subs for North Carolina. Stick around for the end credits as there’s an additional sequence halfway into them between Hewitt and Brandy.

4. I’LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2006)

The setup is lazy in this dumb, DTV sequel with the most ridiculous connection to the previous films starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. The setting switches from a coastal North Carolina town to a small one in Colorado. A prank involving a killer fisherman goes wrong, leading to the most boringly directed death scenes imaginable. The rapid-fire editing style and epileptic camerawork are distracting; and the film’s lifeless characters do nothing to increase viewer engagement. The big reveal is as lame as Tina summoning her dead dad’s corpse to drag Jason to the bottom of the lake in FRIDAY THE 13th 7: THE NEW BLOOD (1987). Instead of coming up with plot twists as to the killer’s identity, it’s a zombie-fied Ben Willis (the killer from the first movie) who has returned from the dead and somehow traveled from NC to Colorado for reasons that are never explained. This is one summer secret not worth telling.

Ranking the FINAL DESTINATION series: 6 entries (2000-2025)

1. FINAL DESTINATION 2 (2003)

Topping the list is a rare sequel that equals, even surpasses, its predecessor. The storyline is the same, but finds our desperate to stay alive cast seeking to cheat Death with the help of the previous film’s Sole Survivor (the title of a horror movie with a similar plot). Tony Todd returns as William John Bludworth, the eccentric mortician who knows more about Death than merely embalming the dead. Additionally, FD2 has the distinction of the best mass death sequence of the series so far. It’s ranked #1 on the Death List due to so much of it being real stunts as opposed to CG. It did for lumber trucks what JAWS did for going in the ocean. FD2 is cruel, frequently intense, and packs a wallop as to the gross-out potential this series possesses.

2. FINAL DESTINATION (2000)

Coming in at #2 is the series’ debut picture. A young college student has a premonition his plane will crash. He and several others exit the flight only to watch the plane explode in midair. The survivors mysteriously die one by one in gruesome ways—thus beginning one of the most popular horror franchises of the new millennium. The script is well written with an unusually good balance of exposition and spectacular death scenes. The FD series is essentially the FRIDAY THE 13th series without the amorous teens—people go to see them for the kills; and instead of a masked killer, it’s Death itself. The harrowing airplane disaster won’t be convincing anyone afraid to fly to take a flight anytime soon. Due to the proliferation of aerophobia, this disaster likewise hits #2 on the Death List. The plot revolving around a premonition heralding an imminent plane crash was in the season 2 TWILIGHT ZONE episode, ‘22’, back in 1961.

3. FINAL DESTINATION: BLOODLINES (2025)

The series built on spectacular disasters returns after a 13 year hiatus; lucky number, that one. The catastrophe that sets the events in motion is the biggest and most elaborate yet. It doesn’t top the visceral impact felt from the mass car mashup of FD2, but instead, it revels in CG excess. FD6 deviates from the formula by having Death set its sights on an entire family instead of a group of friends. In addition to that, another difference is that the Sky View disaster is prevented from occurring at all, leading to Death collecting a 55 year old debt; the expanse of time also being a new plot device. In this one, the granddaughter of the woman who averted the massive death toll from happening begins having nightmares about the Sky View cataclysm with no prior knowledge of it. She seeks out her grandmother who’s been living in an isolated, and heavily weaponized, cabin in the mountains—in what amounts to a nod to Ali Larter’s character from the first two FD’s. With her hiding out in seclusion, it has kept her family safe. This time, Death doesn’t just take the survivors, but their descendants too. Arguably, the most intricately plotted of the series so far, with multiple false alarms to throw audiences off. Tony Todd returns for the final time as William Bludworth, without any of the menace he exhibited in his previous appearances. We learn he was the little boy in the Sky View who survived. The ending harkens back the blackly humorous coda of FD2, as well as that film’s most famous moment. FD6 lands safely in the #3 spot, as does its fiery, free-falling, human wipeout sequence on this series’s Death List.

4. FINAL DESTINATION 3 (2006)

Whereas the first film focused on people’s fear of flying, this second sequel plays on people’s fear of rollercoasters. There’s a good buildup to the calamity, made especially ominous by the giant Devil prop at the entrance of the ride. Voiced by Tony Todd, the eerie mortician of FD’s 1,2,5 and 6, the resonance of his sinister Bludworth character is even more profound without him even appearing. FD3 takes place six years after the first movie. Those events involving Flight 180 figure into the plot a few times, including the film’s shock ending that closes with a second, casualty-heavy disaster. It’s the darkest ending of the series thus far. There’s some nasty death scenes, particularly the double tanning bed death. The movie ranks 4th; while its rollercoaster derailment on the Death List isn’t as elaborate as others in this series, it lands fifth there.

5. FINAL DESTINATION 5 (2011)

FD5 feels different from its predecessors. Director Steven Quale was new to horror having previously been James Cameron’s 2nd unit director. Quale being new to the genre means an entirely new tone. What hasn’t changed is a script that resists creating likable characters. However, this script is designed for it, exploring the theory if you kill someone else, your appointment with Death is canceled. Tony Todd returns and gets a bit more screen time than he has before. There’s a fantastic final shock sequence that’s the best surprise of the series so far. FD5 ranks #5th best film in the series and its opening bridge cataclysm places #4 on the series Death List.

6. THE FINAL DESTINATION (2009)

Just how THE FINAL CHAPTER wasn’t the end of Jason’s rampage, THE FINAL DESTINATION wasn't the last time Death came calling. Intended as The End, the success of TFD meant this series wasn’t dying anytime soon. This is the gimmick entry of the series wherein Death takes you in 3D, but not in any new directions. In this go-round, it’s a group of individuals who escape a gruesome demise during a race car event. Aside from an extra dose of black humor and characters more obnoxious than usual, there’s nothing new here. Apparently seeing body parts and Death commandeering an assortment of everyday implements in three dimensions was enough to make this largely lackadaisical entry the highest grosser of the series at that time. Even so, it takes the lowest spot on this list at #6. The racing massacre holds that sixth place Death List distinction as well.

Ranking the JEEPERS CREEPERS series: 4 entries (2001-2022)

1. JEEPERS CREEPERS (2001)

This is the second franchise that’s ranked best to least chronologically. JEEPERS CREEPERS is steeped in atmosphere and striking visuals. Rural America hadn't looked this spooky in years. It’s almost two movies in one with its mysterious, supernatural villain driving a hell-sent truck to terrorize victims on the highway. The second half is a monster movie where it’s revealed this trenchcoat wearing serial killer is actually a winged demon who comes out of hibernation every 23 years for 23 days to eat people… or parts of them that it needs. The film looks great; the first 45 minutes are intense as hell; and a new, frightfully original monster is born.

2. JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 (2003)

Director Salva’s sequel is just as good as the first movie, only the feeling of unease is less profound. It’s day 23 of the Creeper’s near month-long feasting on humans. Its primary victims this time around are a bus load of high school kids. Ray Wise plays a farmer whose son was killed by the monster. He pursues it with a harpoon mounted on his truck leading to some major stunts; action sequences being the focus in JPII. After the first 20 minutes, the Creeper is exclusively an airborne threat—depicted as something of a demonic vulture, swooping down to snatch its prey. The budget was almost double the amount afforded the first movie and it shows. The opening sequence in the cornfield—shot in the daytime—is as effective as any of its many nighttime scenes. Unfortunately, the series takes a nosedive from here.

3. JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 (2017)

The first 15 minutes of JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 are excellent. From there, it’s a slow descent into mediocrity the film never recovers from. It’s not a terrible movie, just the intermittent moments where the film comes to life again never sustain themselves for long. And unlike JP2, the scenes with the Creeper during the daytime are glaringly silly. There’s no real plot other than the Creeper infrequently stalks and kills people living in a Louisiana farming community. JP3 was on again and off again for over a decade. There were reports it would take place in the Old West and at one point, it was to be an origin story. Instead, it takes place the day after the end of the first movie and finishes where the first sequel begins. Had it not been for the drastically smaller budget, the whole of JP3 might’ve been greater than a handful of bits and pieces.

4. JEEPERS CREEPERS: REBORN (2022)

The narrative of the rural South and Midwest besieged by an ancient demonic creature is prime territory for mining tension and ghoulish atmosphere. Unfortunately, JP4 destroys any such potential. There are a few good moments but these feel like accidents compared to the stunningly awful CGI and inferior Creeper design that makes him look like a homeless leper. As proven by the first two films, even with minimal plot development, you can still make a good horror movie on the element of fear alone. JP4 develops nothing. The Creeper killing people at an outdoor horror festival has enormous potential. The self-referential script contends that the three previous entries were what they are—movies. Here, the real Creeper is an urban legend who is not only after the main actress, but so are the members of a Creeper cult. That this demonic creature would need followers to help him gather victims is a senselessly stupid addition. Then halfway through, the setting switches to a haunted mansion with an adjoining, fog-enshrouded graveyard. And the film can’t do anything but fall further apart, like the horrible makeup job on the Creeper.

Ranking the WRONG TURN series: 7 entries (2003-2021)

1. WRONG TURN (2003)

In many instances, the first film of a series is the best one; that applies to WRONG TURN. The plot is simple—stranded travelers in the West Virginia wilderness are attacked by cannibalistic hillbilly inbreds. Director Rob Schmidt fashioned a surprisingly adventurous hillbilly horror throwback to films like JUST BEFORE DAWN (1980) and THE FINAL TERROR (1983); themselves taking a cue from DELIVERANCE (1972) and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974). Even though it’s shot in Canada, it looks and feels like West Virginia more so than most of the sequels that were shot overseas. There’s a palpable feeling of impending doom and some tense moments, particularly when the cast are trapped inside the cannibals shack. For slasher fans, the first TURN is a welcome and respectable homage to its 80s counterparts. The most visually appealing of the series and Stan Winston’s makeup effects are the best too. You appreciate Winston’s designs and makeup effects with each sequel. Stick around shortly into the end credits for one last shock sequence.

2. WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END (2007)

WT2 lightens the mood but goes wildly over the top with gore and potential offensiveness. It’s so outrageous you can’t help but laugh at it. Not that the first movie needed one, the sequel has a substantive plot beyond people being trapped, chased, killed and eaten by mutant cannibal inbreds. Here, it’s a SURVIVOR-style reality program being filmed in the West Virginia woods where the performers must survive in real life against a whole passel of flesh-hungry cannibals. The gruesome, blackly comical opening sets the tone for the rest of the movie; so don’t expect the serious tone of the original. Some fans like this first sequel the best, but for my ranking, it maintains the #2 spot of its numeric title.

3. WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT (2014)

Five sequels in and, astonishingly, the series gets back to the seriousness of the first film. The storyline is the most dense of the series as well as the darkest next to the simplicity of the original. Sex plays as big a role in the film’s plot as the gore so expect plenty of nudity to go with the blood and guts. The plot itself is reminiscent of the underrated Australian cannibal movie, DYING BREED (2008). A young man inherits an isolated spa in the West Virginia wilderness where he, along with a group of friends, uncovers dark secrets about his family. WT6 found itself submerged in controversy when it was released due to a scene where a real missing person was featured on a board with other missing individuals. All re-released copies of WT6 have these shots blurred out.

4. WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS (2011)

Coming in at #4 is WRONG TURN 4. Instead of keeping things simple, that there’s a family of cannibalistic inbreds in the mountains of West Virginia, director Declan O’Brien thought complicating a basic horror movie premise was the way to go. The Beginnings have no depth to them, much less any purpose; but they are definitely Bloody. This time, it’s college students on a winter vacation in the West Virginia wilderness. They get lost in a snowstorm and take shelter inside an abandoned asylum inhabited by the Hillicker brothers who escaped their cell in 1974 and killed everyone inside. It’s a jarring storyline but has a strange charm that makes for excessively gruesome entertainment. Astonishingly, WT4 is a massive improvement over WT3 and the best made of the three helmed by director Declan. Unlike the third picture, part 4 was shot in Canada.

5. WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD (2009)

For whatever reason, too many horror movies these days are reliant on populating their plot lines with people you couldn’t care less about; whether they’re purely obnoxious or, in the case of WT3, they’re mostly convicts on a prison bus that crashes in the West Virginia wilderness en route to another location. Three Finger, the sole hillbilly hungry for humans, hunts them and a woman that survived an attack at the film’s opening. There’s a brief appearance by another cannibalistic relative, Three Toes, who gets killed early on. It’s a major downgrade from part 2, but has a few good sequences, including an instance of poetic justice in the final moments reminiscent of all your finer EC Comics tales. Bulgaria subs for West Virginia the first of three times.

6. WRONG TURN 5 (2012)

Director Declan O’Brien returns to Bulgaria, once again substituting for West Virginia in the series’ most mercilessly vicious and relentlessly moronic sequel yet. The movie supposedly takes place on Halloween, but the holiday is as believable as the film’s location. Nobody’s wearing costumes; and for a town celebrating a Mountain Man Festival, the place is deserted save for the main cast and the cannibal inbreds who now are essentially cartoon characters. With each sequel, the makeup jobs get more rubbery looking—making Stan Winston and his crews makeups from part 1 look so much better. WT5’s script is so irrefutably stupid the only reason to watch this is for the creative gore scenes and HELLRAISER’s Doug Bradley as a cross between CHAINSAW’s Drayton Sawyer and LAMB’s Hannibal Lecter.

7. WRONG TURN (2021)

The producers thought it would be a fantastic idea to remake 2003s WRONG TURN as an entirely different movie. The only thing this 2021 version has in common with its 18 year old antecedent is a wilderness setting. A group of hikers venture into the Appalachian Trail and encounter The Foundation, an isolated society living outside the modern world. The original movie gave us likable characters whereas this one has the obnoxious and confrontational sort who think a degree in dancing makes one smarter than the average mid-westerner. The film is awash in anti-rural sentiments; like the filmmakers have total disdain for anyone outside a crime-ridden city, or who doesn't have some useless college degree. In its favor, this neo-Wrong Turn is shot well, contains a few tense moments, and has a curve-ball finale that makes you wish the rest of the movie had been as suspenseful. WRONG TURN 2021 is just the WRONG MOVIE.

Ranking the SAW series: 10 entries (2004-2023)

1. SAW III (2006)

Seizing the #1 spot in this long-running series is SAW III. The SAW’s should’ve stopped with this one. It was a superlative finish, killing off all the main characters of the previous films, ending it all with grim finality. Even so, clues were scattered throughout this picture that form the basis for the plot lines of additional movies. It’s the darkest (and the longest at two hours) of the entire series and has some truly nauseating traps, particularly the rotting pig carcasses turned into maggot-filled mush in a meat-grinder that fills a vat where a potential victim is tied down. The character of Mark Hoffman, who will become the most transformative figure of the series, makes his first, albeit brief, appearance in SAW III.

2. SAW (2004)

The most convoluted horror franchise in history began here... the only horror series whose main villain is dead in nearly half of its sequels, appearing in flashbacks or in photographs. SAW has that SEVEN (1995) look about it. The early works of Dario Argento and Italian Giallo’s appear to have been influences. It’s an unsettling, frequently disturbing movie with a shocking, blindsiding ending. The way SAW plays out is different from the rest of the films. The main focus is on two characters who are trapped inside a bathroom with a dead body in the middle of the room. There are lots of flashbacks as well as Danny Glover playing a cop in pursuit of the mysterious, and totally deranged, Jigsaw Killer. The rest of the series focused lots of attention on the traps, which tended to become more gruesome with each sequel. The jaw trap is one of the most fearsome weapons of death to ever be seen onscreen.

3. SAW II (2005)

The most eagerly awaited part 2 in many a year was a simpler sequel that accentuated action over suspense. The famous series line, "I want to play a game", is a proper application for this first sequel in which these unwitting "contestants" must traverse a deadly obstacle course to survive. A corrupt cop’s son is kidnapped by Jigsaw and locked in a trap-filled house along with several convicts the policeman put in prison. A mainstay of the SAW movies is there must be traps and there needs to be some major twist or doom-laden cliffhanger at the end. SAW II satisfies both, and comes in at #3 on this series ranking.

4. SAW VI (2009)

This time, detective Hoffman, the heir to Jigsaw’s twisted games, goes after real estate scammers and health care providers. The series got back on track with SAW VI, feeling more like a horror movie than its predecessor. The flashbacks are kept to a minimum and tension returns to the scripted page in that Hoffman’s plan to frame the now dead agent Strahm is falling apart and others within the FBI are close to exposing him; it’s just a matter of when and what will happen. The traps are back to being creative although they’re more absurd considering the large number of people Hoffman has to kidnap to use in them. The gorgeous Betsy Russell puts in her biggest portrayal so far and closes the film out with a Grand Guignol cliffhanger. SAW VI is the best of the Hoffman angle which wraps up in SAW 3D.

5. SAW X (2023)

Tobin Bell returns as John Kramer, alias Jigsaw, in another prequel; this one being set between SAW’s II and III. This time, the story revolves entirely around Kramer, as he’s diagnosed with terminal cancer and learns of a miraculous, experimental surgery in Mexico. It turns out the practice is a fraud so Kramer goes after everyone involved in the medical scheme, leading to a series of deadly, life-ending traps. Of all the films in this series that pad their running times with endless flashbacks, SAW X feels the most natural since the entire movie is set in one specific place and time. There's a remarkable balance of exposition and gore, and a good way to end the long-running series... at least till the next sequel. It may rate higher for some, but here, SAW X settles into the number V spot.

6. SAW 3D (2010)

The seventh SAW is among the most outlandish of the series. In some instances, the traps are so cartoonishly over the top, the film borders on parody. Several of the kills have no connection to the narrative. This sequel was originally conceived as the last so possibly the writers figured they’d go for broke with some bonus blood and guts. The main plot is a man named Bobby Dagen who’s making money off being a fake Jigsaw survivor. Hoffman kidnaps him and puts him through a death game involving a number of Bobby’s associates. At the same time, authorities are after Hoffman while he’s after Jill Tuck. Hoffman’s swan song sees him in TERMINATOR mode, wiping out numerous agents just so we can see a major character die from the jaw trap we’ve been teased with since the first movie way back in 2004.

7. SAW IV (2007)

There’s not much of a plot in SAW IV nor is there coherence in this flashback-packed entry that plays out like a gore-drenched forensics thriller television program. Officer Rigg was featured in SAW's 2 and 3, and gets the top spot in SAW IV as he is forced to clear his name by participating in Jigsaw's ghoulish games; and that's pretty much the plot. The plethora of new characters makes it difficult to keep up with; especially how the film repeatedly jumps back and forth from past to present. The rapid paced editing only adds to the confusion. This entry begins the Hoffman storyline that spans SAW 4-7, and is a departure from the deep horror tonality of SAW 1-3 to an excessively bloody police thriller one.

8. SAW V (2008)

Unlike its predecessor, SAW V has more meat on its hook; only it feels less like a horror movie and more like a police procedural. In it, agent Strahm survives death at the hands of Hoffman a second time, eventually learning he’s Jigsaw’s successor. Meanwhile, five people who are connected in some way are forced to play one of Jigsaw’s games. The traps are missing that creative touch and feel like an afterthought while the film spends more time detailing how John “Jigsaw” Kramer met Mark Hoffman. Through a series of flashbacks, we find out that Hoffman has been Kramer’s apprentice since the first movie. The most fascinating thing about the SAW films is how many details they continuously come up with the further back the writers have to go.

9. JIGSAW (2017)

It took seven years for the eighth SAW picture to surface. The series had been losing steam for a while with each new release and still doesn’t get chugging again with this one. The repetitive flashbacks with Tobin Bell were growing tiresome and Costas Mandylor’s ruthless Mark Hoffman had become a cross between The Terminator and Jason Voorhees. JIGSAW is still the same movie over again but visualized without the beyond irritating music video editing that had been a series staple from the beginning. There’s no acknowledgment to the previous films, just that John Kramer has been dead for a decade. For his flashback scenes, we learn of his first game, as well as the creation of the dreaded jaw trap. The filmmakers are successful in creating mystery with a big reveal at the end, only it doesn’t feel new or even fresh; it’s the same SAW and dance.

10. SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK OF SAW (2021)

Nine SAW’s in and we’ve got a return to the dark tone of the first movie with the addition of comedic touches from lead actor and comedian Chris Rock. Comedy and extreme torture isn't exactly a happy marriage. SPIRAL is the most SEVENish of the series; it’s an ugly, mean-spirited movie. Nobody’s likable and everybody’s angry all the time, yelling their lines. The comedy bits from Rock are funny even though they feel out of place—like the filmmakers wanted to make a disturbing Buddy Cop flick with death traps and gore. The nature of the killer is predictable on top of a shockingly weak ending. The traps themselves are basic but grotesquely effective. SPIRAL is a curio and the most experimental of the series; unfortunately, a failed one, spiraling down to the #10 spot.

Ranking the DON’T BREATHE series: 2 entries (2016-2021)

1. DON’T BREATHE 2 (2021)

The first DON’T BREATHE was a surprise hit movie with a unique concept that concluded with a cliffhanger ending. Instead of picking up there, Part 2 ignores the first film's finale and tells an entirely new story that’s far darker and grim than anything part 1 had to offer. It’s a better film, but unfortunately, it only did around a quarter of the first film’s business. Uncompromising and nihilistic, it possibly turned a lot of viewers off. The villains all have visually defining characteristics like a comic book: but are among the most sadistic ever brought to the screen. There's some tinkering with the blind man's character that at least turns him into a conflicted man who is an internally and externally tortured soul. The original took the cheap way out in an effort to turn its three criminals into sympathetic individuals. The sequel works for it. Dreary from the first frame to the last, DON'T BREATHE 2 deviates heavily from its origin story, and still manages to showcase an even more compelling narrative the second time around. Don't hold your breath, but here's hoping for a third movie.

2. DON’T BREATHE (2016)

Three young criminals who break into peoples homes to steal their belongings rob the wrong man; a blind Vietnam war veteran. It’s a grueling movie that decides to make its protagonist a villain too. A popular trend in movies is to make the victims as unsympathetic as possible—diluting any genuine impact upon dispatching them. DON’T BREATHE sidesteps this to a degree using the motif of a blind man using heightened senses to find those who’ve broken into his house as a means of creating terror. And when the script turns the tables on the war vet, making him an antagonist, it then irritatingly justifies these crooks literally robbing him blind.

Ranking the REC franchise: 6 entries (2007-2014)

1. REC (2007)

Simply put, REC is one of the most terrifying horror films ever made. It’s also one of the creepiest Found Footage films you’ll ever see. Two directors, Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza, bring you one of the most frightening zombie films since George Romero redefined the genre. And there’s more than just a zombie plague at work here, something potentially demonic. A reporter, her crew and a group of people are trapped inside an apartment complex when a mysterious plague breaks out in the building that turns its victims into raving zombies. The dwindling survivors learn the secret to this night of horror resides in the buildings penthouse at the top of the building. What they find in the final ten minutes will scare the hell out of you.

2. REC 2 (2009)

REC is a superb horror movie and it got an equally gratifying sequel that could easily share the #1 spot with its predecessor. Picking up where the first movie ended, REC 2 is the action horror sequel in the vein of ALIENS (1986). It doesn’t waste any time getting to the horror and it’s just as scary the second time around. The first person sequences are intense as hell; notably one lengthy scene where one of the SWAT team is cut off from the group and must face these horrifying creatures alone in a hallway till he’s trapped in a bathroom. The first movie hinted at the plague having a satanic origin; the sequel explores that in greater detail, explaining this zombie outbreak is widespread demonic possession. If you’re a zombie fan, the first two RECs should be at the top of your list.

3. REC 4: APOCALYPSE (2014)

The third and final sequel opens during the finale of REC 2. The dark humor, hip-tainment style of REC 3 is gone; the film returns to the gloomy horror of the first two films. The character of Angela Vidal (once again played by Manuela Velasco) is back, finding herself bound to an operating table aboard a ship at sea. This movie has lots going for it: a fast pace, an infected monkey running wild, lots of gunplay, and a demon parasite that likes to play “guess which host I’m hiding in”. The ending concludes with a bang; it looks expensive and it’s far better than you’d expect a “part 4” to be.

4. REC 3 (2012)

REC 3 takes place at the same time as the first movie, referencing details that are mentioned in that movie. The third chapter in the Spanish horror quartet is about two newlyweds who are separated at their wedding and attempt to find one another during the deadly zombie-demonic possession outbreak. The film abandons its Found Footage gimmick after the first half hour, playing out like a normal movie. The intensity and the scares of the previous two films is mostly missing here. REC 3 is an enjoyable zombie movie, becoming an EVIL DEAD style gore fest when the bride gets her chainsaw, but a notch down from its predecessors. The fear isn’t there, nor the peril; only black comedy and lots of gore.

5. QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL (2011)

Q2 is the first movie again, but on a plane. This had already been done in 2007 with FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and airborne flesh-eaters fly again this year in 2025s ZOMBIE PLANE. This sequel to the remake of a vastly superior Spanish zombie horror picture takes forever to get off the ground and, just like the rat-carrying contagion aboard the plane, doesn’t stay in the air very long. It’s a bland, frequently boring sequel that’s only ahead of QUARANTINE due to it not being a shameless lift of REC 2.

6. QUARANTINE (2008)

An utterly useless remake; the only reason to watch is if you aren’t interested in watching the original Spanish language picture with subtitles. It’s done in the same fashion as the PSYCHO (1998) remake, where no attempt at originality has been taken. It’s a veritable shot for shot do-over, lacking the intensity and pure horror of its source. If you’ve never seen REC before, you may enjoy this one more than if you had.

Ranking the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY franchise: 7 entries (2009–2021)

1. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES (2012)

After the repetitiveness of PA4, the series went in a different direction with a fresh approach that also breathed new life into the series’ familiar scare staples. PA5 is back in California but settles into an Hispanic neighborhood. The use of CGI became abundant with this entry, but it's mostly used to enhance rather than take control of a sequence. The unusually strong characterizations and plentiful “boo” moments balance everything out perfectly. The skin-crawling finale ties itself to the first movie in a wonderfully creepy way.

2. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 (2010)

Essentially the same movie as before, PA2 doubles up on the scare factor with a bigger family, their dog and a superstitious Hispanic maid who knows a demonic force when she hears one. Set 60 days before, and ending right after, the first movie’s events, the prequel concerns a deadly haunting in the house of Katie’s sister, Kristi and her family. Certainly a darker, more terrifying film, PA2 is a rare sequel that surpasses its predecessor due to doing more of the same, but doing it in new ways.

3. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 (2011)

The third time’s the charm in the biggest hit of the entire series. It’s three times as intense witnessing how it all began. Briefly beginning in March of 2005 when Katie drops off a box of videotapes; then a quick stop in 2006 shortly before the first movie when the tapes mysteriously disappear. The story then jumps further back to September of 1988 when sisters Katie and Kristi were little girls. Too much backstory tends to ruin a sequel but PA3 pulls it off beautifully, ending with the most frightening conclusion of the entire series. The final 15 fear-filled minutes will send shivers to your core.

4. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2009)

There’s something evil in the house. Influenced by the unexpected success of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999), Oren Peli’s spooktacular tale of a malevolent spirit terrorizing a San Diego couple started the most successful ‘Found Footage’ series' of all time. What this film does extremely well is how it uses sound effects and lighting to create a genuine sense of terror and impending doom. New details emerge as the series progresses, but each sequel largely follows the same formula. The budget is small, the premise simple, and the unsettling moments plentiful…. And it still holds up.

5. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: NEXT OF KIN (2021)

This final film of the series is a standalone horror show. The setting is no longer Golden State suburbia but an isolated, snow-bound Amish community in upstate New York. It concerns a young woman named Margot and her two videographer friends who want to make a documentary on her Amish family background and what happened to her mother. What Margot and her friends uncover is a sinister secret the commune doesn’t want to get out. There are a few moments that feel like previous PA pictures but overall, part 7 is a uniquely terrifying movie. NEXT OF KIN is basically a Found Footage version of DEADLY BLESSING (1981). It occasionally reverts to looking like a movie, but mostly it’s from the perspective of whoever is holding the camera. Changing the setting works wonders for this entry--a vast improvement over the previous two films.

6. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION (2015)

Intended as the last film in the series, it instead was the final film dealing with Katie and Kristi, the two little girls who have been connected to the previous films, providing the narrative thrust for the horrifying, and seemingly far-reaching, witch cult. Virtually the same movie as parts 1-4 with minor deviations, the biggest change is a lot of CGI. The excuse for that is the discovery of a camera that captures the Paranormal Activity so we can now see it. Unfortunately, showing us the Paranormal does nothing but remind viewers how effective seeing very little Activity really was. Filming in 3D didn’t help the box office either. Six movies in and the spooks aren’t running wild, they’re just tired.

7. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4 (2012)

The first bland entry has some spooky moments but they’re retreads from the three previous movies. PA4 is a direct sequel to PA2, moving the setting from California to Nevada, picking up five years after the demonically possessed Katie walked off into the night with her one year old nephew Hunter. You get the feeling the filmmakers may have backed themselves into a corner considering there's nothing new in this third sequel, nor anything overly compelling to make it stand out in ways the predecessors did. PA4 is basically a Greatest Hits Collection, only you're disappointed upon discovering what you've got are inferior cover versions instead of the original cuts.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Monster: The Ed Gein Story (2025) review

2025-10-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

MONSTER: THE ED GEIN STORY 2025

Charlie Hunnam (Ed Gein), Suzanna Son (Adeline Watkins), Laurie Metcalf (Augusta Gein), Hudson Oz (Henry Gein), Tom Hollander (Alfred Hitchcock), Olivia Williams (Alma Reville), Vicky Krieps (Ilsa Koch), Joey Pollari (Anthony Perkins), Lesley Manville (Bernice Worden), Rondi Reed (Mary Hogan), Ethan Sandler (Robert Bloch), Jackie Kay (Tab Hunter), Will Brill (Tobe Hooper), Brock Power (Gunnar Hansen), Elliott Gould (Weegee), Golden Garnick (Ted Levine), Tobias Jelinek (Richard Speck), Happy Anderson (Jerry Brudos), John T. O'Brien (Ted Bundy), Darin Cooper (George Philip Gein)

The Short Version: MONSTER is a massively fictionalized, ADHD account of American history’s most infamous serial killer, Ed Gein—a title he barely qualifies for. Directors Max Winkler and Ian Brennan show little interest in crafting a legitimate documentation of the madman—instead they go for as much sizzle on eight episodes of human steak as possible. There’s a greater emphasis on the pop culture and films influenced by Gein that too often takes you out of the experience. The man only actually killed two people, so expect an 8 hour catalog of carnality and carnage with as little grounding in reality as possible. Things get progressively worse and out of hand, like Rob Zombie took over the production halfway through, turning this MONSTER misfire into another redundant, TEXAS CHAINSAW shit-show. The first four episodes are occasionally frustrating, but worth delving into; the remaining four aren't worth digging into.

Episode 1: MOTHER!

Directed by Max Winkler

The first episode of this insanely inaccurate mini-series is certainly unsettling in its atmosphere. Just the feel of it is revolting in a way that’s only ever been captured in Alan Ormsby’s DERANGED, the 1974 film that remains the best presentation on Ed Gein. Charlie Hunnam looks a lot like the real life Gein, who was an eccentric kook with peculiarities that the locals had accepted for years. The one modestly annoying thing about Hunnam's performance is the vocalization of Gein, sounding like Hugo the Abominable Snowman who wants to hug and squeeze his friend and call him George... which also happened to be the name of Gein's father.

The episode does wander away from the factual Ed Gein at times, particularly when we see Adeline Watkins for the first time at a diner. Adeline was a girlfriend of Gein's, but where this show first detours onto an off-ramp is when she gives Ed a present containing assorted photographs of Jewish corpses in concentration camps. Then there's the comic book titled 'Ilsa Koch, The Bitch of Butchenwald'; and Ilsa is depicted on the cover in the exact same pose as Dyanne Thorne was on the poster for the 1974 exploitation shocker ILSA, SHE-WOLF OF THE SS.

Not long after, the story is told from the perspective of Ilsa and other Nazis, in what amounts to the filmmakers attempting to make a parallel between Ed's relationship with his mother and Ilsa with her daughter; such as a scene where she's showing her daughter how to shave a Jewish child's head while stating, "They are subhuman. They all bring lice". We then see other SS officers talking about how, "A Jew is a bacillus... you just exterminate them". Then a dinner scene follows where Nazis and their cohorts slovenly scarf down food as Ilsa humiliates and tortures Jewish prisoners in the same room. This feels more like an extended homage to Don Edmond's infamous movie, spending around ten minutes with the Bitch of Butchenwald, makes you forget this is supposed to be a film on the Butcher of Plainfield, Diverting into other topics is a recurring problem with THE ED GEIN STORY. Another problem is there's no evidence that Gein was influenced by Ilsa Koch, if he even knew who she was; although he was allegedly fascinated by stories of Nazi atrocites.

What Episode 1 does get right is the relationship between Gein and his mother. These scenes are well shot; particularly the graveyard sequence that ends the episode. Gein is depicted here as having killed his brother, Henry. There was never any evidence that Gein had killed him, however it seems likely he did considering there were reports of bumps on the back of his head. Per the record, Henry Gein died from asphyxiation due to a brush fire. Henry's dislike of their mother Augusta was accurate, as was his attempts to get Ed to pull himself away from her.

Augusta's views on women, her late husband and her two boys were accurately summed up in this exchange: "Let [Henry] run off with that whore, he's not my son. All I wanted was a girl. I prayed and prayed to the good Lord, but it wasn't His will; so I must abide by that. No matter how much it pained me to lay with your father. And I only let him defile me twice, I told you that. He stank like a farm animal. And what did that shiftless drunkard ever give me? First, an evil son who humiliates his mother and is determined to drag us all to hell and then I got you, a son so prone to all manner of weakness who seems set on breaking his mother's heart.. don't break my heart, Eddie... only a mother could love you".

If only this series stayed focused, MONSTER: THE ED GEIN STORY could've been a superlative companion feature to the major motion pictures the Wisconsin madman influenced in the 60s, 70s and 90s. However, we've got a few more episodes to go before MONSTER drives itself off a cliff--when this series becomes everything else but an Ed Gein Story.

Running time: 53:47

Episode 2: SICK AS YOUR SECRETS

Directed by Max Winkler

This episode opens with Ed having a hallucination that hundreds of Jews straight from the concentration camps are attacking his farmhouse and trying to get in like something out of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968); only here, Ed’s afraid they’re going to tell what he’s been doing on the farm. So there’s lots more alternate history that Ed was influenced by the Nazis to kill. Such is a scene where he imagines himself in a brothel and interrupts Ilsa Koch talking with her husband. Encoring from episode 1, Ilsa turns up a few more times in this series' multitude of time-traveling forward or backward in history.

Then there’s the second instance of time-period jumping, this time to 1959 where Alfred Hitchcock has dinner with Robert Bloch to discuss the life of Ed Gein and his obsession with Ilsa Koch he never had. We also get a few scenes of Gein as a little boy in school. Had this series explored more about the title Monster in his childhood, his father and mother, it wouldn't need to go into these areas that have little to nothing to do with the man.

Episode 2 depicts the death of Gein's first known victim, Mary Hogan. This sequence plays with the facts, insinuating she was the madam of a whorehouse. In reality, Gein reportedly killed her because she reminded him of his mother.

Afterward, we inexplicably jump to Hollywood where we find a dragged up Anthony Perkins with his boyfriend, fellow actor Tab Hunter, discussing how he's getting into character as Norman Bates in the upcoming film PSYCHO (1960). Tab isn't interested, becomes mildly disturbed, gets dressed and leaves the room, leaving Anthony more than a little disappointed. This is followed by Alfred Hitchcock showing off some of Gein’s revolting habits to Perkins as if it’s a sideshow attraction. Hitchcock then draws a parallel to Perkins's own secret he’s hiding (that being his homosexuality) to the secrets Gein himself kept.

We then spend a length of the running time on Anthony Perkins and his inner struggle with being attracted to men and trying conversion therapy. What exactly this intrusive addition has to do with the subject matter is anyone’s guess. It’s another instance where the filmmakers are more interested in Tarantino-ing fact and fiction—blending both into a new cinematic world where the latter is the primary ingredient and the former is little more than a garnish. This hits the height of absurdity when we witness audience reaction to PSYCHO's famous shower scene; only here, it's visualized with graphic gore and nudity showing Ed dressed as Mother stabbing Adeline to death.

Tom Hollander does a fantastic job imitating Hitchcock even if the filmmakers depict him as a peeping Tom and overall creepy man. In the first episode, Ed is shown as a peeping Tom, so this is another example of the film drawing bizarre comparisons--this time between a serial killer and a famous Hollywood filmmaker.

There is, however, a fantastic sequence where Ed brings Adeline home to meet mother after they've been out on a date. Everything about this dimly-lit sequence at the Gein farmhouse is horror cinema perfection. If only the entire series had harnessed this level of spook-show excellence instead of wandering off into realms of fantasy and other genre iconography.

Running time: 59:58

Episode 3: THE BABYSITTER

Directed by Max Winkler

Episode 3 opens by going back further in Gein's life, opening with Ed’s mother having an argument with his father before proclaiming to Ed that she should castrate him to stop him from having sex with those Jezebels she repeatedly tells him about. This is what this series should've been entirely about. There was plenty of material for it as opposed to this sensationalist nonsense. Some of it is cool to see, but at the same time, it destroys the mood created for the sequences that are actually taken from reality.

The story then jumps ahead as the police visit Ed to inquire about the missing Mary Hogan, the owner of a local tavern Ed frequented in real life and a woman whom we saw Ed murder in episode 2. Ed is then seen dancing around the house in women's clothing wearing Mary Hogan's face in one of episode 3's few disturbing moments. As mentioned earlier, Hogan was one of only two people Gein was known to have killed. Her skinned face was among the ghoulish remains found within the Gein farmhouse when it was raided by authorities in 1957.

Scenes of Gein digging up corpses to steal from are well shot and add a grim ambiance you want more of. Even though his relationship with Adeline Watkins as it's depicted in MONSTER is speculative, becoming much crazier as the series progresses (the real Adeline spoke openly about her relationship with Gein after his arrest in 1957, but curiously retracted everything a few weeks later), it fits within the story more than these wild tangents the series finds itself taking. They have sex on a grave before Adeline gets Ed a job as a babysitter... yes, a babysitter. But more on that later....

One of the many other tangents THE ED GEIN STORY goes off on begins here when Adeline meets Ed at a diner and shows him a picture of Christine Jorgensen, the first person to have a sex-change operation in the 1950s. Jorgensen was a real person, but the later connections the series makes between Gein and Jorgensen are devised for this series as opposed to anything taken from Gein's life.

What follows is the best sequence of episode 3--the “magic show” Ed puts on for two terrified kids. This blackly humorous segment may have been influenced by a real life incident where some local kids had been in Gein's house and saw shrunken heads in his bedroom. When questioned about this, Ed claimed they were souvenirs he'd gotten from a cousin who'd been in the South Seas during WWII. Since the residents of Plainfield thought Ed was a harmless eccentric, it was just shrugged off. In this scene, Ed plays hide the finger using three skull halves; the kids then have to guess where the finger is. He then says he can turn into a woman and pull his head off. The kids are not amused till he removes his coat, showing off a human face he's wearing that looks exactly like something Leatherface would wear.

Forty minutes in, the episode jumps to 1964, going back to Anthony Perkins again. He takes a male lover to see a re-release of PSYCHO paired with BURN, WITCH, BURN, before taking his boyfriend back to his home to divulge he’s seeing a woman. The excuse for veering into a Perkins/Hitchcock subplot is Perkins speaking on the popularity of his Norman Bates persona as “I’m Ed Gein for the rest of my life”. We then see Hitchcock in a meeting where studio executives want him to do a film like, of all things, THE BLOODY PIT OF HORROR (1965). It’s followed by Alfred reluctantly going to see the Italian horror flick with his wife Alma after noticing that the “bloody line is all the way around the bloody block”.

Afterward, we’re back to Gein again, to remind us this series is supposed to be about him since his name is in the title. And since the title of the episode is “The Babysitter”, and we’re near the end, the filmmakers need to remind themselves as well. With minutes remaining, Ed has the babysitter he kidnapped tied up in her underwear; much like Ezra Cobb did in DERANGED (1974). He shrieks at her about how she took his babysitting job from him (yes, seriously), then brings in the decaying corpse of his mother and holds a sledgehammer in her bony hand to beat the helpless woman over the head.

The scene segues into the finale of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) where Marilyn Burns nearly suffers the same fate. We hear a director yell “cut” and we see lookalikes acting out the scene from the iconic horror movie that’s as loosely based on Ed Gein as this mini-series is. The episode concludes with the easy country croonin' tune from '77, 'If I Die, Just Let Me Go To Texas' by Ed Bruce. Things have already started to go wildly off the rails, and that continues in episode 4...

running time: 58:48

Episode 4: GREEN

Directed by Ian Brennan

We open episode 4 with the sight of Ed preparing the body of the babysitter he executed at the end of episode 3; presumably to remove her skin. In this episode, sex becomes more prominent, playing a larger role as the series goes on. We spend more time watching the morbid, Tim Burton-style relationship between Ed and Adeline bloom despite her discovering Gein’s rotted corpse of his mother in her upstairs room.

The previous episode depicted this, but ended it with Gein himself in the chair wearing a human mask, leaving viewers thinking he's killed or subdued Adeline. But in episode 4, she discovers a corpse in the rocking chair instead. She runs out of the house and displays hate towards Ed for what he's done. Moments later, she's attracted to his ghoulish practices of robbing corpses, defiling them and making furniture out of their parts. She says, "There's something real dark about you, Eddie Gein!" Eventually, Adeline will become something of an antagonist in the series; cold as ice, if you will.

Then later, the filmmakers radically revise history by visualizing Ed enjoying the company of Bernice Worden, the hardware store owner he eventually has sex with. She seduces him by playing on his emotions till she catches him staring at her cleavage. Ed imagines Ilsa appearing in the room to tell him Worden would make a good couch. Back at her house, Worden tells him, “If you ball me good, Eddie Gein, I’ll let you wear my panties!” She likes it so much, she suggests Ed move in with her. None of this ever happened.

Suffice to say, this episode is heavily fabricated, not just in its continuation of presenting Gein as some sort of quirky ladies man, but his sexual dalliance with Worden. She was Gein’s second and last murder victim; at least the ones Gein himself admitted to killing. She had a truly gruesome demise. The reality was that Worden was found hanging upside down in his barn for all the world to see—naked, decapitated and eviscerated. Two hunters saw the gory sight and alerted the authorities who then arrested Gein. Unlike its nighttime discovery here, Worden's mutilated body was discovered during the daytime in real life. In another instance of fantasy, Ed shows off his kill to Adeline who appears noticeably taken with this gory centerpiece in Ed's barn.

In another instance where this series loses its focus, we jump on over to Texas in 1959 for about a minute inside the Hooper household before rocketing ahead to 1968 where a grownup Tobe Hooper sees a chainsaw in a department store at Christmas time and fantasizes he kills everyone in the place for no other reason than to throw some viscera at the screen. The same goes for the scenes of Gein chasing the two hunters that find the dismembered Worden in his barn and killing them with a chainsaw. The first time we see him exit the barn with the chainsaw, he's not wearing a human mask. When the sequence picks up again, he's looking like Leatherface when he slaughters the two hunters. In real life, Ed never used a chainsaw on anyone nor did he kill the two hunters.

Much of the episode’s finale is about the making of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Hooper shouts about how Gein was transformed into a maniac and necrophiliac by WWII atrocities, which wasn't true. The incredible Stretch Armstrong-ing of facts this episode does to connect Ed to CHAINSAW reaches its zenith here. Aside from the depiction of Bernice Worden’s dead body, a brief glimpse of Ed wearing his human skin suit, the most accurate thing in episode 4 is seeing Tobe Hooper drinking a can of Dr. Pepper.

Running time: 57:14

Episode 5: ICE

Directed by Ian Brennan

With all of Gein’s real life murders disposed of, the remaining episodes pad his life with even more events that never happened. In between, it’s furthering the still disturbing, and now dwindling, relationship between Adeline and Ed Gein; depicting their interactions as some sort of Wisconsin version of Nebraskan killers Charles Starkweather and Caril Ann Fugate. At the opener, Adeline is having sex with a guy named Randy, echoing post-coital disinterest towards Ed and a growing passion for her own manipulative ambitions. In Gein’s company, she continues her morbid attentiveness to corpses and loses any desire for Ed’s living body. She coerces him into satisfying his libidinous desires with necrophilia, something that was rumored but never proven.

This episode is heavy on the Adeline and how devious and evil she's becoming. It also draws yet another comparison--this time between Adeline and her mother who has a similar level of disdain towards her daughter as Augusta did towards Gein. The story occasionally goes back to Gein romancing the corpse of Eleanor Adams, the head of the homemaker classes Adeline was forced to attend by her mother. What makes this especially sickening is Adeline goes with Ed to the cemetery to pick out the corpse herself.

She runs off to New York City to try and work for a famous photographer named Weegee (played by Elliott Gould), but he humiliates her. Enraged, she then nearly kills her landlord, robs her, and then heads back to Wisconsin.

When the ideas run dry, this episode’s drunken script stumbles back to Ilsa Koch again. By this point, she’s arrested for turning Jews into furniture, jailed and later, having sex with an MP in her cell that acts as a fantasy of Ed’s while he enjoys intercourse with his dead lover. Adeline tries to rekindle her and Ed's wacko relationship. But Ed doesn’t love her anymore; he loves his corpse, telling Adeline “you’re too warm”. This brief moment, recalling the disgusting excess of Jorg Buttgereit’s NEKROMANTIK (1988), is a good, if disturbing, cliffhanger to end on. Curiously, none of the remaining episodes explore this further, falsified though it is.

This episode also has a few moments that makes you wonder if Rob Zombie ghost-wrote the script--lines about pig fuckin' and shitting in people's faces. It's all downhill from here.

Running time: 47:56

Episode 6: BUXOM BIRD

At the outset of episode six, Bernice Worden is having a conversation with her son about Thanksgiving while caressing her leg while he is distracted at her actions. Worden then sits atop her son giving of a not too subtle, but not too explicit, incestuous vibe. In the next scene, her son and the sheriff find both her and the cash register missing from her hardware store. Thus begins another factually inebriated episode of MONSTER: THE ED GEIN STORY, and the beginning of this series flushing its title psycho down the toilet.

The search of Gein’s farmhouse reveals its grim contents, but this accounts for a few minutes of fact and 40 more of pulp fiction. Of all the made up nonsense in MONSTER, the one area the series doesn’t showcase as fact is the question of whether or not Ed cannibalized the corpses he dug up. This episode is ambiguous in its assertion, but considering how inaccurate so much of the series is, it’s astonishing we don’t see Ed consuming human guts by the bucketful. When authorities searched his house, they found a human heart in a pot of boiling water on the stove, so likely the legend of him being a cannibal stems from that.

When Bernice Worden was found hanging upside down in Ed's barn, they searched for her head and found it under a mattress in the house. You don't see this in the episode, but a shot of a severed head at the morgue is presumably that of Worden. In real life, Ed had intended to hang her head on the wall like a picture frame. When the police found her decapitated head, it had wire going from one ear to the other like on the back of a frame.

The last time we saw Adeline, she was being doused in ice and cold water so Ed could have sex with her. Here, she shows up to take questions from reporters with a prepared statement lying about her involvement with Ed. This is apparently the filmmakers mangling of Adeline Watkins's statements at the time of Gein's arrest about their relationship and her later changing her story.

This episode doesn’t go anywhere and does contain a few factual moments such as the police search of Gein’s house, his arrest and his passing a polygraph test. Otherwise, Worden’s son trying to enjoy Thanksgiving while imagining Gein carving up his mother as everyone consumes the bird that acts as a metaphor for the grotesque way Gein trussed up his mother is as provocative as episode 6 gets.

Running time: 45:20

Episode 7: HAM RADIO

We open in 1958 with Bernice Worden’s son suing the Gein estate to lay claim to the property. The contents of the hellish home are auctioned off, leading to the burning of the farmhouse. Meanwhile, Ed becomes the hit of the insane asylum he’s now residing in. On the outside, he’s fast becoming an infamous local celebrity. Turning Gein into some sort of sympathetic simpleton is ridiculous in the extreme, but from here to the end, THE ED GEIN STORY becomes more pointless and derisible in the remaining episodes.

The Ilsa Koch storyline that feels like it wandered in from another series, and has absolutely zero to do with Ed Gein, wraps itself up in the stupidest fashion possible. That doesn’t mean the fairy tales are over. Ed hallucinates having a conversation with Ilsa on a ham radio. He's sitting there in a bra conveying he's a big fan of hers. She returns the compliment by stating she knows who he is.

A running theme is the matriarchal tendencies of mothers. Ilsa is included in this arc of sympathy even though she isn’t deserving of any. It’s as incongruous as so much of MONSTER’s fantasy world that’s constantly at odds with factual reality. Gein’s mother isn’t afforded any positive attributes; she’s depicted as purely vicious and evil. To contrast, Ilsa Koch, who has no business being included here, was a cold-blooded killer who had no mercy towards her victims, those being the Jews; she harbored only hatred for them. The filmmakers even find a way to wedge the legend of The Golem into this story. The real Ilsa hanged herself in her jail cell in 1967, so that's one of the few accurate things in this episode.

In episode 3, Adeline introduced Ed to photographs of Christine Jorgensen, the first man to have a sex change operation. Ed talks to her on a ham radio, much like he did with Ilsa earlier in the episode, professing his admiration for her and how he wants to be a woman.

This is something else that never happened. A common factor in serial killers—Henry Lee Lucas being one example—is their mother’s forced them to dress as little girls; Ed Gein wasn’t one of them. Instead, he harbored a deep hatred for women due to his mother’s intense domination of his mental well being and instilling in him that women were evil and that sexual intercourse was immoral and a disease-ridden act.

The filmmakers persist in labeling Ed as a cross-dresser when the reality is he wore woman’s skin; but not out of any desire to be a female, but out of a twisted urge to hate them as he was taught to do from the woman he both loved and loathed, his mother. This is a useless episode that offers nothing else than fantasy (such as Ed killing a nurse with a chainsaw) and using its cross-dressing device to wedge in another pop culture reference, this time with Buffalo Bill in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991).

Running time: 58:07

Episode 8: THE GODFATHER

This is the last episode, thank Christ. The fallacies only increase in the series finale. The filmmakers ran out of gas several episodes back, so they cram additional psychopaths in what is a serial killer melee episode. We begin with Ted Bundy claiming two new victims before having sex with their corpses. Post opening credits, cops are interviewing an imprisoned serial killer Jerry Brudos in a sequence that plays out like a dark comedy; such as when he tells the cops he has to jerk off and doesn't mind if they watch.

Bizarrely, Ed Gein is turned into some saintly figure with the music of chanting nuns accompanying his entrance a few times during this mercilessly awful final episode. He becomes a benefactor of the police in their pursuit of Ted Bundy, which never happened. Ironically, Bundy’s killing spree is treated more honestly than Gein’s story.

Next up in the lunatic parade is Richard Speck. The episode alleges Speck admired Gein and sent him many letters which, according to history, was about as true as most everything else in MONSTER. And you’d swear Rob Zombie did some script revisions on this episode--having Speck delivering dialog to Gein like “Choke your chicken to these titties!” Speck killed 8 student nurses in July of 1966 in their home. A ninth potential victim evaded certain death by hiding underneath a bed. His bloodbath was dramatized in the 1983 quasi-horror, cop thriller 10 TO MIDNIGHT.

Ed Kemper and Charles Manson make brief appearances letting Ed know they're huge fans as if their weren’t other, even more deranged maniacs before Ed Gein like H.H. Holmes and Albert Fish. Manson says Rob Zombie style lines with gusto, "I killed a whole bunch of motherfuckers! You caught Ted Bundy, fucker!" Manson never killed anyone, just commanded his followers to. The whole humanizing of Gein, the nurse telling Ed he needs to set the record straight by telling his own story is hilarious in light of the rampant mendacity of this series.

It all comes to a head in the last 15 minutes when Adeline shows up at the asylum and confesses to Ed she has a list of people she intends to kill. The ultimate in stupidity is Ed watching MTV, then hallucinating he’s in the music video for Yes’s ‘Owner of a Lonely Heart’,--parading around in a wheelchair as various serial killers, inmates and asylum staff celebrate him. Visited by his dead mother, she thanks him for getting the Gein name out there.

Moments later Ed dies in bed from the stage 4 lung cancer he was diagnosed with. After his death July 26th, 1984, we see his headstone being stolen from his gravesite. For reasons not made clear, Leatherface appears and chases the robbers away who we then see as Gein doing the chainsaw dance Gunnar Hansen does at the end of TCM. Refusing to end, there’s one last scene, presumably in the afterlife, of Ed and his mother on the porch of their home; she saying to him “only a mother could love you”.

It's curious that the filmmakers chose to go down this road to tell this story. There's no reason this couldn't have been told accurately and still be a compelling piece of dark horror drama. If you want to see a much better version of Ed Gein's twisted life, there's 1974s DERANGED and 2000s ED GEIN starring Steve Railsback (who became famous for playing Charles Manson in 1976s HELTER SKELTER) as Gein.

Running time: 1:05:24

For some, this torturously overlong series may hold curiosity value if you're aren’t the least bit interested in the history of Plainfield’s resident butcher. For the rest, the first four episodes are enough. The remainder have fleeting moments in reality that rapidly dissipate, leaving nothing else other than the screenwriters bewildering spin on Gein’s life.

Death Roll: The Best & Worst of Crocodylia Cinema

2025-10-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

Other than sharks, horror movies about alligators and crocodiles are the second most prolific among the killer animal kingdom. In the last few years, these films have begun to run neck and neck, if not outpace, their man-eating competition. This flood of alligators and crocodile menaces means that for every single decent entry, you're all but guaranteed four or five worthless ones. The following is a year-ranked list of twenty of the best and a few of the worst this reptilian sub-genre has to offer.

1. THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979)

Kruna, the giant alligator God of the Kuma tribe, wrecks havoc at a tropical resort. A photographer and anthropologist try to stop the demonic reptile God, but also face danger at the hands of the giant alligator's tribal worshipers. JAWS (1975) took a big bite out of box offices around the world. It took a few imitations like a giant octopus and then an alligator before the Italians flagrantly ripped off the Spielberg blockbuster with a shark of their own. This is the last of a trio of jungle adventure films from Italian director Sergio Martino; the other two being the gruesome MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD (1978) and the kid-friendly ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN (1979). The cast of THE GREAT ALLIGATOR {IL FIUME DEL GRANDE CAIMANO [THE RIVER OF THE GREAT ALLIGATOR] in its original Italian) is superb, starring Claudio Cassinelli, Barbara Bach, Richard Johnson and Mel Ferrer. It’s a little slow in places, but the catchy music by Stelvio Cipriani is an energetic mix of jungle and horror cues; the Sri Lankan locations are incredible; and the alligator action is shot well even if it looks like a toy in a pool at times. The finale, combining live-action and miniatures, is far more creative than the desk-top special effects of many more recent rampaging reptile movies with zero creativity in concocting interesting attack sequences and satisfying finishes. For an Italian picture, TGA was an unusually expensive production for its time and still an adventurous good time today.

2. CROCODILE (1977/1979)

One of the absolute worst films ever made, but was a big hit in its native Thailand. CROCODILE spurred on a slew of other giant croc flicks made for domestic audiences. This one got international exposure and was the Thai answer to JAWS. Hong Kong had a minor investment in the film. Erotica actress Tanny Tien Ni has a supporting role as a woman who is killed at a resort and her husband and some friends take to the sea to kill the giant, God-like saltwater crocodile. The big croc dizzingly changes size from any number of shots; and it has the ability to turn itself into a cyclone, leaping out of the water and flying over boats. Tobe Hooper must've watched this for inspiration for his own shitty version also called CROCODILE (2000). The poster artwork for the film's American release is one of the most stunning pieces of horror film art you'll ever see. It's a perfect description of the film, but makes it look like a million bucks when the movie looks more like a buck fifty.

3. ALLIGATOR (1980)

The World Champion of Crocodylia cinema is still Lewis Teague’s 1980 monster on the loose classic. It started life in 1976 as a more straightforward, 50s style monster movie instead of the humorous, if bloody horror favorite it became. ALLIGATOR is a perfect blend of horror and humor you rarely ever see that's actually scary and funny at regular intervals. The kid being gobbled up in the swimming pool is still frightening as hell. The attack sequences and mightily spectacular finale are a testament to practical effects--a superior showcase compared to the CG-centric monsters that proliferate this genre. Performances are magnificent across the board, especially Robert Forster's superbly naturalistic delivery. Lewis Teague's bonafide cult classic is a benchmark of killer animal cinema, and for the purposes of this list, there's no topping it.

ALLIGATOR was a massive success on television for the ABC Network. Funnily enough, there’s a scene where a reporter for rival network NBC is interviewing Henry Silva who plays Brock, the big game hunter. It took over a decade, but the anxiously awaited sequel finally surfaced in 1991; only what emerged in ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION wasn’t what fans wanted. Basically the same movie as the first but minus the horror, humor and action, it’s toxic waste instead of a growth hormone that supersizes the title reptile. It has Richard Lynch in the gator hunter role, but less of the gator and nothing of what made the 1980 original so much fun.

4. DARK AGE (1987)

In the last 20 years, Australians have held a large market share of Croc flicks and this one from the 80s takes a different approach to the material. If you're expecting the typical 'nature strikes back' model, Arch Nicholson's movie takes things beyond the standard monster movie cliches. The deadly saltwater croc featured here has a mythical status built around it, placing it in the same camp as others like THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979); and like that film, there are human villains as well. John Jarratt, the Australian actor who terrified audiences in the two WOLF CREEK movies and a two-season television series, co-stars as as a park ranger trying to keep the enormous croc from being destroyed. If you’re looking for a different kind of killer gator movie, venture into the DARK AGE.

5. KILLER CROCODILE (1989)

After a decade of ripping off American blockbusters like JAWS (1975), the Italians swapped out finned man-eaters for reptilian ones in KILLER CROCODILE and its 1990 sequel. The minimal plot has environmentalists finding not only toxic waste being dumped in a swamp, but an enormous crocodile with an even bigger appetite. Fabrizio De Angelis's monster picture doesn't have the photographic beauty of Sergio Martino's THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979), but it has an even more energetic creature built by makeup effects master Giannetto De Rossi. Among many other films, he worked on PIRANHA 2: THE SPAWNING (1981), the underrated creature feature directed by James Cameron. De Rossi's juiced up crocodile is a wild design, and one of the best you'll ever see in these movies; and the Italians never shy away from showing it to you.

KILLER CROCODILE and KILLER CROCODILE 2 are a package deal--shot back to back using the same monster model in both films. De Rossi got behind the camera to direct the sequel that, ironically, and coming from a makeup effects artist, is inferior to its predecessor. The time wasn't there for De Rossi, nor was the money. However, he did manage a few cool attack scenes on top of there being a lot more of them. Curiously, the sequel draws inspiration from the plot of JAWS, with a jungle resort being built by a gangster after all the toxic chemicals have allegedly been accounted for. A journalist goes missing and Richard Crenna's son, Anthony, encoring from the first movie, sets out into the swamps to find her. Even with its noticeable lack of money, Director De Rossi uses his ingenuity to keep the production afloat.

6. LAKE PLACID (1999)

This story of a giant crocodile living below the depths of a lake in Maine was heavily hyped and expected to clean up at the box office. Key to this was a foul-mouthed Betty White in a role unlike any she’d done before. LAKE PLACID under-performed but still managed to be a hit on video and got a handful of mostly worthless sequels. There’s no real plot to speak of, but the photography both above and below the water is superb. The film doesn’t feel as big as it should and when it ends, you’re expecting a little more out of it. Even so, like what DEEP BLUE SEA (1999) did for Shark movies, PLACID did the same for their reptilian colleagues. Stan Winston’s effects are top notch and blend well with the CG shots that put the Walmart software effects of most of these movies to shame.

7. CROCODILE (2000)

Tobe Hooper’s five year filming hiatus ended with arguably the most generic movie on his resume and one of the worst. At the time it was shooting, Hooper said he wanted to capture the same atmosphere of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974). At no time does CROCODILE even remotely come close to that. His earlier slasher-croc flick, EATEN ALIVE (1977), certainly did. Despite the atrocious CG shots, CROCODILE has a few good “boo” moments and a bizarre backstory for its 40ft croc named Flat Dog. Plot-wise, it’s just FRIDAY THE 13th with a giant crocodile eating college kids lost and adrift on a houseboat. It becomes jaw-droppingly stupid at the end when, in an apparent nod to the Thai CROCODILE mess, the monster leaps out of the water, twists like a cyclone, and flies over the boat; then eats a guy before throwing him up again… and he survives! Possibly Hooper drank too many Dr. Pepper's during the shoot, as CROCODILE becomes an insane sugar rush that never resembles the hands that guided not just TCM, but SALEM'S LOT (1979) and THE FUNHOUSE (1981).

The sequel, CROCODILE II: DEATH ROLL or CROCODILE II: DEATH SWAMP (2002), is slightly better in that it plays it straight from start to finish. Gary Jones of MOSQUITO (1994) fame, took the director seat for this one—about bank robbers who hijack a plane that ends up crashing in a swamp during a storm. A crocodile attacks and they kill it, leading to the much bigger mother going after them. The hydraulic croc gets lots of screen time although the cast is killed off virtually the same way in every attack scene. Martin Kove (THE KARATE KID; STEELE JUSTICE) is the hero of the piece; if only he had more screen time this one would possibly rate higher.

8. BLOOD SURF (2001)

The dumbest movie on this list is, ironically, one of the most entertaining due to how exceedingly terrible it gets the longer you stick with it. There’s a surprising amount of sex, nudity, and bad special effects of both the desktop and practical variety. The plot is as incredibly stupid as the movie itself. A group of surfers cut themselves and catch waves while avoiding being eaten by sharks; but doing this attracts a giant saltwater crocodile. It’s an outrageous movie but a strangely entertaining one. The monster is killed in an original way so that’s a plus. Duncan Regehr (like Ree-ger) plays the croc hunter role that most of these movies demand. The film was originally titled KROCODYLUS, and was in production around the same time as Hooper's CROCODILE crap-fest. BLOOD SURF is directed by James D.R. Hickox (CHILDREN OF THE CORN III), the brother of Anthony Hickox (WAXWORK; HELLRAISER III; WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON), and son of Douglas Hickox, director of the absolute classic THEATER OF BLOOD (1973).

9. BLACK WATER (2007)

Director Andrew Traucki’s killer animal career began with this tension-filled horror movie about a hungry crocodile stalking three people trapped in an Australian swamp. The use of a real crocodile composited into shots with the actors is a strikingly effective visual that director Traucki would replicate a few years later, putting it to even better, more horrifying use in his superior shark shocker THE REEF (2010). And just like that hit shark flick, BLACK WATER is based on true events. Back in 2003, three friends were riding ATV's through the Australian swamps near the Finniss River. They stopped for a breather and were attacked by a crocodile that took one of the group into the swamp. Two of the friends managed to climb a tree where they remained for 22 hours before being rescued. The body of the third was never recovered. BLACK WATER is one of three gator movies on this list with some true-to-life elements in them.

10. ROGUE (2007)

The year 2007 was a banner year for these movies. ROGUE is quite simply the best of its kind since its release and the closest you'll get to matching ALLIGATOR (1980). Greg McLean is a masterful suspense builder. He did wonders for his grueling slasher movie WOLF CREEK (2005), and does the same with giant crocodiles. Here, an American journalist goes on an Australian river cruise with various other tourists. Upon answering a distress signal in a remote area they shouldn’t be in, the group are trapped and preyed upon by an enormous crocodile. Originally intended for a wide release, when it didn’t do well in Australia, and PRIMEVAL, another croc flick that bombed in American theaters, McLean’s film made its nest on home video instead. The special effects, a combination of CG and animatronics, are some of the best this sub-genre has seen. One key to the success of the FX is the CG croc moves like a real one would move instead of the warp speed mobility given them in so many of the poorly rendered genre offerings. Occasionally tense as hell, ROGUE deserved better than it got and is as close to JAWS as this sub-genre has gotten in 15 years.

11. PRIMEVAL (2007)

Of all the titles on this list, PRIMEVAL is the most mean-spirited, and brutally violent. The attack sequences are surprisingly vicious and varied compared to most every movie in this sub-genre. Based on the man-eating exploits of Burundi, Africa's infamous Gustave, the 20ft long Nile Crocodile alleged to have consumed upwards of 300 people, it isn't the only plot element taken from real life; the other being brutal civil war in Africa. A group of reporters join up with Jurgen Prochnow as a big game hunter to capture the headline-making, sprint running crocodile. They encounter another danger, this of the human kind, in a barbaric local gangster referred to as Little Gustave. Similar to THE RELIC (1997) a decade earlier, PRIMEVAL was initially marketed as a serial killer thriller. Regardless, it was ignored during its original theatrical run. It's a dark, sadistic film that deserves a second look since so many killer croc flicks have been made since 2007. Gustave bests a great many of them.

12. CROC (2007)

CROC is one of many SyFy Channel killer animal movies populated with plentiful desktop special effects imagery. This one’s a co-production with Thailand and stars Michael Madsen who is on-camera for approximately 10-15 minutes. This is a rare flick of this style that’s a clear clone of JAWS (1975). Most of these movies stopped imitating Spielberg's iconic horror film years ago, so this one has a retro feel to it. It even gives a nod to JAWS 2 (1978) when the croc is electrocuted (but doesn’t die). The threadbare plot is about a Thai resort besieged by a 20ft saltwater crocodile.

It being shot in Thailand, there’s lots of real croc footage as well as cultural staples like sideshow performers placing their heads inside the mouths of real crocodiles. It also means the size of the monster changes from one scene to the next. Aside from JAWS and the more well known but no less awful Thai croc movie from 1979, the flick even rips off the most famous scene from ALLIGATOR (1980) where a guy jumps into his pool and never seems to notice there’s a huge reptile in it with him. Not to be confused with CROC! from 2022 (see insert pic), a British crap-odile flick about a wedding party at a mansion where a crocodile lives in the basement that's far worse than this one.

13. FRESHWATER (2016)

One of the most unique killer gator flicks is this no-budget curio executive produced by, and starring, Australian stuntwoman Zoe Bell. It's a cross between Agathie Christie's 1939 novel 'And Then There Were None' and Tobe Hooper's TEXAS CHAINSAW styled slasher-killer croc flick EATEN ALIVE (1977). If that description sounds intriguing to you, prepare for a massive level of disappointment. The film is largely a failure on all levels, but definitely worth seeing once to see a good idea go to waste. The film's first mistake is killing off that gorgeous actress at the beginning. There's a few bad editing choices, and the albino alligator that infrequently crunches the cast is possibly the worst rendering of a CG gator put to film. In its favor, there's a curve-ball at the end you won't see coming, and the final moments close the film with a downbeat touch. FRESHWATER is a fresh idea lousily executed.

14. LAKE PLACID: LEGACY (2018)

Where the previous three sequels to 1999's LAKE PLACID were better described as LAKE FLACCID, this fifth film is a nice surprise. The last and best of the sequels, LEGACY stands out due to it taking the material seriously. After LP2 (2007), LP3 (2010), LP-FINAL CHAPTER (2012), and LP VS ANACONDA (2015), few probably had faith in another one being any good, much less deviating from the excessive campiness of its predecessors. It’s a talkative script and features an all-CG, 50ft prehistoric crocodile. Moreover, the filmmakers make a genuine effort in creating some modest tension that, up to this film, was an alien concept. The finale is different from what you usually get and recalls vintage cult flicks like THE CRATER LAKE MONSTER (1977) and CARNOSAUR (1993). This would’ve gotten more attention had it been titled ALLIGATOR III, or a new title altogether than associating itself with the jokey nature of the LP series.

15. CRAWL (2019)

The last wide release for swamp-roaming, rampaging reptiles, this one coming from French horror specialist Alexandre Aja. This one's the alligator version of the exceptional Aussie shark flick, BAIT 3D (2012). A hurricane traps a woman and her injured father in a storm. The town is flooded, letting in several hungry alligators that feast on several locals before turning their appetite towards those trapped inside the house. It's a fun film, with some inventive attack sequences and CG alligators that move realistically. What isn't believable is the amount of punishment the leading actress takes, making it appear her skin is made of metal as she's able to survive multiple bites about her body. If you can suspend disbelief in that area, you'll have a good time with this one; only don't expect any humor like in Aja's 3D PIRANHA remake from 2010. CRAWL isn't slow in the horror department, and easily the best of its kind to slither onto the screen in the last ten years.

16. BLACK WATER: ABYSS (2020)

Andrew Traucki sequelizes his earlier BLACK WATER (much like he did with his shark sequel, THE REEF: STALKED) with a follow-up crocodile terror flick. The concept is rife with scares aplenty, but only a few genuine shocks are delivered. This is THE DESCENT (2005) with crocodiles. A group of friends descend into a cave system before a storm floods the place with reptilian predators. Needless to say, not everyone makes it out alive. Compared to the first BLACK WATER, this sequel is lacking in thrills; which is ironic considering the tension Traucki created with just a few cast members whereas he has many more potential victims the second time around. There are too many stretches where the film slows down when it should be building tension. If Traucki weren't the director, this could be overlooked, but he's much better than what he turns in here. ABYSS is definitely recommended, just don't expect it to surpass its predecessor. Even so, there are a few intense sequences that many of the filmmakers behind some of these other titles could learn a great deal about building horror from.

17. THE FLOOD (2023)

This Aussie guns n' gator flick isn’t a patch on its Ozian antecedents like BLACK WATER or ROGUE, but it’s marginally better than your average SyFy drivel. Think ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1977) mixed with 2019s CRAWL and you have this water-logged thriller starring Casper Van Dien, everybody’s favorite Starship Trooper. An assortment of cops and convicts try to escape a Louisiana jail during a hurricane that’s flooding the place with both water and hungry alligators. The premise is good and populated with colorful characters, but the lack of suspense and the laughable, bulletproof alligators brought to life with drunken CGI prevent THE FLOOD from being anything more than a natural disaster.

18. METH GATOR (2024)

A new trend (and hopefully a brief one) in horror is the drug-addicted killer animal movie. First there was COCAINE BEAR (2023), then CRACKCOON (2024) and now there's a giant, galloping gator hooked on methamphetamine that goes on a rampage. And that’s the plot. Consuming bags of hard drugs apparently makes an alligator invulnerable to bullets, too; and it doesn’t stop people from firing endless rounds at it. It’s a surprisingly decent movie with occasionally better CG shots than usual. Director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray is the son of the famous Fred Olen Ray, purveyor of Drive-in style horror, action, SciFi and DTV soft core sex flicks. METH GATOR is mildly enjoyable and certainly better than some of the lesser entries on this list.

19. LAKE JESUP: BONECRUSHER’S REVENGE (2024)

Marketed as being based on true events, Lake Jesup in Florida is the most heavily populated alligator oasis on the planet, home to over 13,000 of them. This also makes it the most dangerous body of water in the world and a place where a number of deaths have occurred. As for the movie, which now goes by the more generic title of GATOR LAKE, is the JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987) of killer gator movies. Both the giant reptile named Bonecrusher and ex-convict bodybuilder Bubba have personal agendas. The movie badly wants to be hip with its colorful Florida locales and rock and roll music; if only it wasn't so indecisive about which genre it wants to be since it's sloppy as hell trying to be comedy-horror with cult film aspirations. It needed more gator action and a better, punchier ending. However, Derek Russo is shockingly good in this, outshining his scaly co-star in every scene. Actually, you don't see much of Bonecrusher, and when you do, it's mostly the top of his head or closeups of his teeth as he rips and tears into the people on his hit list that are dumb enough to go into the water.

20. THE BAYOU (2025)

This is the deadly serious version of the campy METH GATOR (2024). A plane goes down in the Louisiana swamp lands and the survivors must fend off becoming the next meal for meth-infused alligators. The photography creates the right amount of mood and the film takes itself seriously. There are a few effective “boo” moments and the mix of CG and practical effects is welcome. The film was originally marketed as GATOR CREEK, but probably due to the similarly titled GATOR LAKE that came out around the same time, the filmmakers wisely changed the title of their film to the more suitable THE BAYOU. But unlike that picture's Florida locations, the Philippines stands in for Louisiana. Also in its favor, there's practical gore effects and a well done finale. THE BAYOU isn't bad.

With CRAWL 2 reportedly set to begin shooting soon, more scaly reptiles are bound to continue stalking danger-filled rivers, murky lakes and dense, isolated swamp lands... and maybe a flooded city or two, for a good while longer.

Kung Fu Craze Hits USA! An Interview With These Fists Break Bricks Co-author, Grady Hendrix

2025-08-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

Originally, this interview with THESE FISTS BREAK BRICKS co-author Grady Hendrix was intended to be part of the recent review of the book's new expanded edition (which you can read HERE). It's presented here as a stand-alone interview, but will eventually be added to the book review for the revised, expanded edition--complementing the book review of the first edition that featured an interview with co-author, Chris Poggiali (which you can read HERE).

The new, revised edition contains even more of the history of the genre's place in American pop culture in the 1970s and 1980s. It was a unique time for the Hong Kong Cinema exports (and those from Taiwan as well). Those films were unlike anything Occidental eyes had seen before. This interview is how co-author Grady Hendrix came to appreciate this wild genre and, along with co-author Chris Poggiali, sought to tell the story of how Kung Fu Fighting came to America.

VENOMS5: What was the first Kung Fu movie you saw and what was that experience like for you?

GRADY HENDRIX: I remember catching dubbed kung fu flicks on Saturday afternoon, but I never paid them much attention. To me they were threadbare punchlines that we made fun of, talking in bad dubbing on the playground. I saw KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE’s “A Fistful of Yen” parody of ENTER THE DRAGON years before I actually saw ENTER THE DRAGON itself. When I moved to New York for college I started going to the Music Palace and catching first run Hong Kong features, renting VHS tapes of Hong Kong flicks from Kim’s Video, seeing screenings of prime Jackie Chan and Jet Li at Peter Chan’s retro screenings, but Shaw still had their library locked up tight and, anyways, the old school stuff looked cheap and out-of-date to me.

Then I bought a bootleg of CRIPPLED AVENGERS (1978) sight unseen for reasons I don’t remember. It was letterboxed and dubbed and I was surprised at how much I liked it. That was around the time me and some other guys formed Subway Cinema and we had our first Old School Kung Fu Fest and seeing CRIPPLED AVENGERS (1978) and Angela Mao’s SCORCHING SUN, FIERCE WINDS, WILD FIRE (1980) on a big screen with a packed audience finally made me a convert. But it took that long for the penny to drop and for me to really understand that these movies were weaponized entertainment machines, designed to mercilessly destroy audiences.

V5: Did any of your family and friends share your interest in these films?

GH: Not a one. Subway Cinema was the first time I found freaks like me.

V5: What was it that led to your interest in writing books?

GH: I had written a book called Paperbacks from Hell about the horror paperback boom of the ‘70s and ‘80s and it’d done really well. Chris liked it and he approached me and asked if I thought we could do something similar with his collection of ad materials and posters for martial arts movies. So we talked. And we talked. And we talked. We talked for a long time. My big concern was making sure there was a story here with a beginning, a middle, and an end, but the deeper we dug the more it became apparent that not only was there a story here but, to our surprise, no one had told it before.

V5: You are a NYT best selling author and have had your work optioned for both film and television. How has that experience been for you?

GH: It’s fun, but to be honest, I don’t feel like Mr. New York Times Bestselling Author. By the time a book comes out, it’s a year in my rear view mirror and I’m working on the next book, terrified that THIS time I’m screwing it up, THIS time I’m getting it wrong, THIS time it’s all just going to fall apart into a big pile of garbage.

V5: What story in THESE FISTS BREAK BRICKS do you think would make a good movie?

GH: I love writing novels, but I’m the most proud of my nonfiction books, Paperbacks from Hell and These Fists Break Bricks. So many writers have had their work brought back
into print because of Paperbacks and so many readers have rediscovered unfairly forgotten writers like Ken Greenhall, and Elizabeth Engstrom, and Michael McDowell from it. I’m hoping something like that happens for These Fists, not just with the movies but with the history of the people who brought martial arts to America. The friendship between Charles Bonet, the Puerto Rican Panther, and Ron Van Clief, the Black Dragon; the Japanese judo masters like Professor Ito and Sego Murakami whose schools were gutted by the World War II internment camps; and badass stuntmen like Kim Kahana,
who hitchhiked to LA at 13, became a paratrooper in the Korean War where he was unsuccessfully executed by a North Korean firing squad, dug himself out of a mass grave, spent two years completely blind after a hand grenade went off in his face, and survived a plane crash that killed 35 other passengers. I want people to know all of them! (Insert: Kim Kahana)

V5: What’s your favorite Kung Fu movie and KF movie actor and why?

GH: In terms of old school kung fu, I developed a deep love for SOUL BROTHERS OF KUNG FU (1977) starring Carl Scott and Bruce Li. Scott was 15 years old at the time and he’d studied with Sijo Steve Muhammad at the Black Karate Federation, but he was discovered by Pau Ming while working as an extra on Ng See-yuen’s BRUCE LEE: THE MAN, THE MYTH (1976). He was a kung fu guy, not a karate guy, which made him fast and agile, and in a movie like SOUL BROTHERS OF KUNG FU he’s a baby-faced badass with great control, good rhythm, dropping low and popping high. He’s having a blast in the movie, breaking into a grin in the middle of fights, and he essentially takes over the film, playing possum in the big finale, head butting the bad guy, throwing rocks. He only made a handful of movies but I wish he’d stayed in the business. He would’ve made a great opponent for Jackie Chan.

V5: How did you and Chris meet and is it possible there will be a third edition in the future?

GH: I don’t know how I met Chris, honestly. He’s always been around at Exhumed Screenings and Subway Cinema screenings. I think the first time we worked together was when at the last minute we were both asked to host an action movie marathon at an Alamo Drafthouse in upstate New York. As to a third edition, I’d love to but non-fiction takes a long time and is a ton of work so it might be a while.

V5: What’s projects are you working on now?

GH: Right this minute I’m finishing my next novel, then I’ve got a novella I need to finish for a British publisher, I’ve got to finish the scripts for the new season of my podcast about the
history of horror, Super Scary Haunted Home School, and I’m writing a ton of introductions for these amazing 4K restorations Shout is putting out of classic Hong Kong flicks from the ‘80s.

I would like to thank Mr. Hendrix for participating in this interview. If you'd like to purchase a copy of THESE FISTS BREAK BRICKS, you can do so at Amazon HERE.

Shark Summer: Man-eater Cinema of the Last 15 Years

2025-08-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

Killer fish movies, especially those featuring undersea apex predators, have proliferated ever since Spielberg made millions of people around the world think twice before going into the water, any body of water. Having written articles here about the greatness of JAWS (1975) and its superlative sequel JAWS 2 (1978), few shark movies have come close to matching either of those two films in the areas of characterization, intensity, terror, a John Williams-level musical score, and just all-around entertainment value.

The following is a 15-year sampling—2010-2025—of shark flicks big and small, 15 of the best and or most interesting, and 5 of the worst, and ranked by year. You’ll find actors like Richard Dreyfuss, Dolph Lundgren and Nicholas Cage among the titles covered. There are also many other titles mentioned in some of the selections that may be worth your time, if not outright worthless.

1. THE REEF (2010)

Five friends plan to sail from Australia to Indonesia to deliver a yacht to a buyer there. Shortly into their trip, the boat hits a coral reef and capsizes. A current is pulling them further out to sea so the decision is made to try and swim to Turtle Island, which is 12 miles away. One of the group refuses to get into the water so four attempt the arduous trek to the nearest shore. What they learn to late is, a Great White has been following them since they entered the water.

The one consistently terrifying man-eater movie on the list comes from Andrew Traucki, the director of the killer crocodile pictures, BLACK WATER (2007) and BLACK WATER: ABYSS (2020). Additionally, THE REEF is based on a true shark attack story that occurred in Australia in July of 1983 wherein a shrimp trawler capsized, sending its three occupants into the water 60 miles from shore. It isn't long before they discover, to their horror, they're being followed by a Tiger Shark. Only one of the three managed to survive. THE REEF is also the only film on this list that comes the closest to capturing, and maintaining, the horror Spielberg wrangled for the iconic JAWS (1975). So if you’re looking for a similar harrowing experience, you'll find it in THE REEF. What sets it apart from so many others is in how the filmmakers mix real Great White footage with the characters to create the most visceral audience reaction possible. For example, the shark's slow glide into frame from a distance mirrors the same effect John Carpenter incorporated for Michael Myers in HALLOWEEN (1978).

Another true story involving a seafaring mishap came from the Discovery Channel during their 2019 season of SHARK WEEK. Titled, CAPSIZED: BLOOD IN THE WATER (2019), the film was an account of a horrifying ordeal in 1982 when a yacht originally sailing from Maryland to Florida, overturned and the five survivors traversed the open sea in a small lifeboat without food or water for five days. Two were killed and eaten by sharks; one died from blood poisoning and was nearly eaten by the remaining two survivors till they decided to feed the corpse to the flesh-hungry fish surrounding them. They were eventually rescued by a Russian ship after a week out in the ocean.

A much anticipated sequel to THE REEF broke the surface in 2022 called THE REEF: STALKED. Once again directed by Traucki, the second time around isn’t as good even though it's essentially the same movie again. What made the first REEF worthwhile is largely missing—replacing certain scenes of real sharks with computer generated ones that move ridiculously fast. It’s a comparatively disappointing sequel about friends on a kayaking trip who are besieged by a relentless shark as they try to make it back to shore alive. It does have some tense moments spread throughout the movie, just don’t expect STALKED to maintain the fear-generating momentum of THE REEF.

2. SHARK NIGHT 3D (2011)

College students enjoying a lakeside weekend vacation discover SHARK WEEK lovin' local lunatics have dumped a variety of man-eating sharks in the Louisiana saltwater lake they’re swimming and skiing in.

This PG-13 killer fish flick is better and trashier than you’d think; although it could’ve done with a snappier title. SHARK NIGHT feels like a 70s Drive-in movie with a bigger budget behind it. Made by stuntman turned director David R. Ellis (2003s FINAL DESTINATION 2), this was his last feature film as a director before his mysterious death in 2013 while preparing his next movie in South Africa. There’s animatronic sharks, too, which is always a plus. Director Ellis also helmed the Drive-in genre mash-up SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006). SHARK NIGHT with its mix of crazed hillbillies and man-eating sharks operates within the same parameters.

3. BAIT 3D (2012)

A criminal, a cop, and a variety of other people become trapped inside an Australian grocery store after a tsunami destroys their seaside town, leaving much of it underwater. Getting out alive is compounded when it’s learned the flood has brought two Great White Sharks into the submerged store with them. Some are trapped inside their cars while those in the flooded grocery store must stay atop the shelves to avoid finding themselves inside the shark's jaws.

BAIT, an Australia-Singapore co-production, is a vastly underrated Shark movie that originally featured Tiger Sharks that were exchanged for the usual toothy threats, those being Carcharodon Carcharias, alias Great Whites. BAIT's preference towards practical effects is refreshing when most of these films are happy to be swimming around in CG Shark infested waters. There are computer generated sharks in the film, but BAIT doesn't take the lazy way out with an over-reliance on them. If there was one hidden gem on this list, it's BAIT. You can read our review HERE.

4. THE SHALLOWS (2016)

After her mother dies from cancer, a medical student takes a vacation in Mexico. While surfing, she’s bitten by a Great White and ends up trapped on a rock a few hundred feet from shore. Anyone else that goes into the water to try and help ends up eaten by the stalking apex predator. With the tide coming in soon, she must use her wits to escape the jaws of the shark.

THE SHALLOWS is possibly the most influential shark movie of the last ten years. It continues to influence considering a Chinese remake came out this year. The premise is as simplistic as it gets with a single protagonist trapped on a rock with a shark circling her for 90 minutes. The script finds a lot to do in that time. It wasn't long before a feeding frenzy of shark flicks with the same setup surfaced; some of which are on this list.

SHALLOWS single-setting set-up was likely inspired--as THE REEF was--by the still frightening OPEN WATER (2003). Based on a true story, it's about a couple who are on a scuba diving trip and end up left behind and lost at sea miles away from shore. Sharks make their presence known and dinner is served. Much like the true story, their bodies were never found. OPEN WATER didn't use any computer rendered nor animatronic sharks, but real ones in scenes that are still intense to watch. It falls outside of our 15-year time-frame, but its influence on the genre, and the ingenious and dangerous way it was shot, cannot be denied.

5. USS INDIANAPOLIS: MEN OF COURAGE (2016)

On July 16th, 1945 the USS Indianapolis, led by commander Charles McVay, sets out for Tinian on a highly classified mission to deliver components for one of the atomic bombs. With no escorts and the nature of the mission unknown to its crew, the Indiapolis delivers its cargo but is sunk by a Japanese submarine on its journey home. There were 1,195 sailors aboard. Approximately 300 went down with the ship. Approximately 900 went into the water. Only 316 survived five days of terror at sea in shark infested waters.

Actor Mario Van Peebles directed this $40 million independently financed disaster movie about the doomed heavy cruiser sank by the Japanese during the closing months of WWII. The story became famous by Robert Shaw's terrifying recounting of the tragedy in JAWS (1975). A film about this historical occurrence was in development for many years, beginning as early as 2011. A competing film from Warner Brothers was also in the works but never made. When Peebles’ movie was finally made, its box office chances sank quickly. INDIANAPOLIS was an ambitious production that included the Navy's involvement and accounts from some of the remaining survivors. Sadly, $40 million simply isn’t enough for a production of this size. Special effects run the gamut of good, to average to stunningly poor. Even so, the dramatics are occasionally strong with a handful of poignant and powerful moments—particularly the final, powerful sequence between commander McVay and commander Hashimoto.

As for its shark content, the finned terrors make their first appearances 49 minutes into the 130 minute movie and finish up at the 94 minute mark. Considering this is an account of the biggest naval disaster in history, the majority of the shark sequences are surprisingly effective; those being the animatronic kind. As for its cast, Nicholas Cage stars with support from Tom Sizemore, James Remar and Thomas Jane. During the end credits, you’ll see brief testimony by two of the survivors followed by real footage of the 1945 rescue. The budget isn’t big enough to carry the weight of such a story, but the effort behind it to make a respectable tribute is admirable just the same.

6. OPEN WATER 3: CAGE DIVE (2017)

Three friends from California travel to Australia to do a cage dive with sharks in the hopes of getting on an extreme reality TV program. While submerged inside the cage, a freak wave capsizes their boat stranding everyone in the water. Some are rescued later but the three Americans are separated from the group and become lost at sea as hungry Great Whites circle around them.

The first, and so far only, ‘Found Footage’ killer shark movie. It’s BLAIR WITCH with dorsal fins... and a final shot straight out of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. Originally, director Gerald Rascionato's film was an independent picture titled CAGE DIVE. When Lionsgate picked it up, they changed it to OPEN WATER 3: CAGE DIVE. Under either title, it's a welcome change from the glut of schlock shark horror where mediocre to bloody awful CGI kills any chance at generating terror in the viewer. OW3 has more than a few intense moments and is certainly better made than many others in this sub-genre. It’s as good as the first OPEN WATER (2003) and well above the Shark-less travesty that is OPEN WATER 2:ADRIFT (2006).

7. 47 METERS DOWN (2017)

Two sisters go cage diving in Mexico. Their vacation turns to horror when the wince holding the cage breaks, sending them over 150 feet to the bottom of the sea. They try to leave the cage but nearly become lost in the darkened depths or narrowly escape being eaten by Great White Sharks that prevent them from getting too far away from their underwater prison. After two failed rescue attempts, it becomes clear to the trapped divers they may indeed die 47 METERS DOWN.

Director Johannes Roberts has a good eye for shark horror. In both his 47 METERS movies he displays a professional grasp of the jump scare. He does this very well in the first film. Even when nothing remotely horrifying is happening, the look of the underwater shots is like being inside a sunken haunted house. One scene may have been inspired by Ben Gardner's corpse giving Richard Dreyfuss the shock of his life when one of the girls encounters a half-eaten body. This is effective PG-13 horror that doesn't need a lot of gore to keep viewers riveted.

2019s 47 METERS DOWN: UNCAGED descended into theaters and was a scarier, and superior sequel… that is till the final ten minutes when the film goes insanely off the rails and, to use a popular phrase, “jumps the shark”. The plot is about a group of school friends that get together for a boat tour to see Great White Sharks. They later decide to go scuba diving at a secret location to swim through an underwater Mayan city. By the time they discover blind Great Whites with even greater heightened senses roaming among the ruins, their time quickly runs out. Prior to losing the raw horror it spent 90 minutes building up, UNCAGED is one of the most genuinely scary shark pictures of the last decade. The haunted house ambiance returns but is even more palpable since the doomed divers are lost inside a darkened, cavernous ancient city.

THE CHUM BUCKET: 5 SHARK MOVIES THAT STINK

1. SOMETHING IN THE WATER (2024)

Five women go on a boating trip in the Caribbean where they all plan to attend a friends wedding the following day. One of them is bitten by a shark and upon speeding off to hurriedly get her to a hospital, they hit a reef. The boat quickly takes on water and sinks, leaving the women adrift at sea with only a single life jacket between them. It isn't long before the shark senses more food in the water, pursuing the girls as they attempt to swim to safety miles away.

There is definitely SOMETHING terrible IN THE WATER, the most relentlessly in-your-face, box-ticking feminist shark movie ever made. You'd think a mixture of OPEN WATER (2003), THE REEF (2010) and THE SHALLOWS (2016) would yield some thrilling moments, but instead, you'll find your attention drifting away along with your patience. There are a few attempts at suspense, but the filmmakers sink those in favor of absurd behavior. On two occasions, the women literally laugh at the shark attacking them. And when the full CG shark is finally seen in the last ten minutes, it moves faster than a torpedo. The movie, on the other hand, sinks fast like it’s been hit by one.

2. MANEATER (2022)

Another group of friends on another vacation are attacked by another Great White Shark. An old man of the sea is hellbent on killing the beast after his daughter was eaten by it.

Sometimes with these films, you’ll find a diamond in the rough; MANEATER isn't a diamond, it's just rough. The attack scenes are vicious but the computer generated shark perpetrating them is atrociously rendered. Apparently most of the budget for this home computer-made motion picture went to stars Trace Adkins and Jeff Fahey. Unless you’re a completist, you can steer clear of this Carcharadon Carelessness.

3. THE REQUIN (2022)

A couple on vacation in Vietnam try to stabilize their relationship by spending time on a small bungalow on the water. A tropical storm hits and rips the tiny home from its foundation, sending them out to sea and into the waiting jaws of a Great White Shark.

Alicia Silverstone, previously of three Aerosmith videos and Batgirl in BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997), takes the lead role in what could've been an intriguing killer shark movie. Vietnamese director Le-Van Kiet seems less interested in making a horror movie than he is a dramatic thriller that uses a shark motif as a backdrop instead of building his movie around it. It's an hour before the shark attacks and only around 5 minutes total of that; and even then it's via the lowest quality desktop special effects. A total chum-fest.

4. SHARK LAKE (2015)

A black marketeer dealing in exotic animals sets a Bull Shark loose in Lake Tahoe. He’s arrested but gets out on parole five years later. What’s unknown at the time is the Bull Shark was pregnant and bodies keep piling up. The ex-con returns to the scene of the crime and teams up with the local police chief to rid the lake of its shark problem.

Another horrible CGI shark movie, this one starring and produced by Dolph Lundgren, who meanders from one scene to the next looking like he lost a bet. Bull Sharks can indeed survive suitable freshwater conditions and have been spotted in rivers and lakes all around the world. As for this movie, an opportunity to pit one of action cinemas greatest stars against a killer shark was unbelievably wasted.

5. SHARKTOPUS (2010)

A scientific experiment involving the DNA of a shark spliced with an octopus goes wrong, escapes into the sea and heads for Mexico. The creatures creators are then hired to track it down and capture it if possible.

SHARKTOPUS, which plays like a comedy, was a big success for producer Roger Corman and the SyFy Channel, leading to two sequels, SHARKTOPUS VS PTERACUDA (2014) and SHARKTOPUS VS WHALE WOLF (2015). As bad as these desktop disasters are, they're endearing to many horror fans.

SchlockTOPUS either started a new wave of shitty shark movies, or reinvigorated it with an abundance of Crap Generated Imagery--namely the sextet of the wildly popular SHARKNADO pictures that began in 2013. SHARKTOPUS must've been popular in China too since a remake was made there in 2023. The Sharktopus itself had to have been inspired by the part shark-part octopus monstrosity of Lamberto Bava's pedestrian oceanic horror MONSTER SHARK (1984), released in America as DEVIL FISH. The poster art was the best thing about that sea monster misfire. You can read our review HERE.

The success of these cheaper films on cable and video have influenced many more of them. As long as they attract big numbers on the small screen and sell DVDs online and in department stores, the flurry of DIY special effects shark flicks will continue. Thankfully, there are enough good ones that leave a lasting impression, instead of the quick buck CG feeding frenzy that dollar sign-seeking producers are all too quick to churn out. After DEEP BLUE SEA (1999), it took nearly 20 years before the next major studio shark movie swam into theaters.

8. THE MEG (2018)

A deep-sea mission to explore the Mariana Trench six miles below the surface loses contact with the underwater research facility that launched the submersible. A rescue mission is mounted headed by Jonas Taylor. Deep into the Trench, a Megalodon is discovered among the many forms of sea life. Thought to be extinct, the giant fish stealthily follows them through the thermocline barrier, and into the open sea. Jonas and the rest of the team manage to kill the Meg but a short time later, an even bigger Megalodon appears and heads for a well stocked Chinese beach resort for dinner.

After decades of languishing in development hell, Steve Alten’s novel finally came to the screen. It was a surprise summer hit as well as a surprisingly enjoyable action horror movie with a bit of humor. One of the keys to the film’s success is Jason Statham playing a red-blooded, 80s style action hero. This, blended with wacky monster movie cliches, was a welcome breath of fresh air. The wild finale where the Megalodon attacks and eats hundreds of beachgoers at Sanya Bay is like Godzilla stomping Tokyo with thousands of people trampled beneath his footfalls. The way the monster shark is killed is as creative as it is outrageous. THE MEG is enormous fun for monster movie fans.

Five years later, the Carcharadon Megalodon surfaced a second time in MEG 2: THE TRENCH (2023). It was a much bigger movie with a slightly smaller budget. In spite of this, the film crams everything in it—martial arts action and more monsters. There’s three Megalodon’s, a giant octopus, and packs of voracious, amphibian carnivores; in addition to other dangers found deep in the Trench during a lengthy and thrilling sequence that shamelessly rips off 2020s UNDERWATER, a sea monster movie that sank in theaters but is worthy of discovery if you haven't seen it.

As for MEG 2, it’s a good time even if the monster rally at the end is messily edited while the film as a whole is wildly over the top. The tone rambles too, starting out with a pleasingly darker tone, but switches to a lighter, tongue in cheek one for the second hour. THE MEG 2 tries mightily to outdo its predecessor, and it does in terms of spectacle. But unlike the more focused first film, the sequel is in the tradition of a SyFy Channel shark flick with a $130 million budget.

9. DEEP BLUE SEA 3 (2020)

Oceanographers and marine life scientists study Great White Shark behavioral changes on the floating research facility Little Happy Island. The ex-boyfriend of one of the scientists unexpectedly shows up with a team of mercenaries who are tracking three escaped and genetically enhanced Bull Sharks who are highly intelligent. The newly arrived team have ulterior motives leaving the scientists of Little Happy to try and survive threats above and below the water.

The first DEEP BLUE SEA (1999) was a slickly made, $60 million dollar B movie. It's certainly an entertaining flick, even with the goofy dialog and even worse CGI sharks that are rendered even more fake-looking by how fast they move. The Tough Guy performance of Thomas Jane (THE PUNISHER; THE MIST) made up for some of its shortcomings. The animatronic sharks are incredible, and especially noticeable when put up against the remarkably awful CG Shortfin Mako Sharks. The Made For Cable and DTV Shark flicks erupted after DEEP BLUE's box office, resulting in a sea of terrible special effects. The plethora of substandard shark flicks on home video ensured the theatrical life for such films was likely dead. It took nearly 20 years before Renny Harlin's movie was sequelized, and those too were made for video.

Minus Thomas Jane, there was no such savior in DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2018) with its lower budget and even lower grade CGI sharks. The inclusion of genetically enhanced baby sharks with a Piranha-style ferocity didn’t help this sequel rise to the corniness of its predecessor, either.

For the third, remarkably plotless DEEP BLUE SEA movie, a level of the first film’s polish returns, along with a surprisingly efficient C movie entertainment value that blows past the previous entry. The first quarter is aggressively political with climate messaging that claims the sea levels are rising and they're making sharks meaner. The movie then tosses its political plot points overboard and settles on genetic experiments as the meanness and intelligence increase in three doctored up Bull sharks (giving the Great White the backseat as well as a protagonist role). Add in a villainous crew of musclebound malcontents, an out of left field Kung Fu fight, and sharks flying through the air to take a man’s head off and you’ve got what is possibly the first shark movie with multiple cinematic personalities.

10. GREAT WHITE (2021)

A young couple who own a struggling charter plane service take their cook and another couple out to an isolated beach. Instead of rest and relaxation, they find a half eaten corpse and a capsized yacht. When their seaplane is attacked and sunk by a Shark, the five manage to stay afloat in an inflatable lifeboat. Miles away from shore, they try to paddle to safety while being pursued and attacked by two Great White Sharks.

GREAT WHITE is one of many movies derivative of THE SHALLOWS. A single and limited location where the writers must find ways to put the characters in peril. The film loses some steam during the ‘adrift at sea’ section of the movie, but does spring to life during the finale of this Australian production. A big plus is the inclusion of animatronic shark action that displays a level of realism you simply don’t get from the typical bargain bin desktop special effects so many of these films swim around in.

11. SHARK BAIT (2022)

A group of friends on vacation in Mexico steal two jet skis for a day. When careless behavior leaves them stranded miles out at sea, the party animals lose their enthusiasm after attracting hungry sharks that intend to devour them before they reach shore.

Don't let the generic title fool you, SHARK BAIT is better than the average summer shark shocker. A more appropriate title would've been 'Blood in the Water'' considering its used a few times in the narrative. The characters are the usual stock obnoxious versus resourceful types; regardless, the film succeeds due to the filmmakers finding ways to juice up the peril the victims put themselves in.

The CG sharks are better than average and the kills are more elaborate and brutal than what you get in most of these pictures. Some of them recall both JAWS and JAWS 2. Probably the best example is a recreation of JAWS's estuary attack wherein a female is trying to get out of the water and we see the shark just below the surface as it bites her in half. The filmmakers had the time and ingenuity to do more than have victims splash around and get pulled down below the depths. SHARK BAIT is one of the best of this sub-genre you may not have seen.

12. NO WAY UP (2024)

A plane headed to Mexico crashes into the ocean after a flock of birds fly into one of the plane's engines. Many are killed in the crash while the remaining survivors become trapped in an air pocket as the plane sinks further into the sea. With both time and air running out, the passengers must try to survive hungry sharks that find a way inside the fuselage.

It's AIRPORT '77 but with sharks. Unlike that disaster movie, the third entry in the 70s airplane action-drama quadrilogy, the UK-funded NO WAY UP doesn’t have a disaster movie budget or a big name cast. The script is too ambitious for the budget to fully realize; but the filmmakers do very well with what they have in what amounts to a medium level popcorn movie. One of the film's poster designs is a bit of creative genius in that it inverts the classic JAWS motif of a shark coming up from the depths to sink its teeth into a woman swimming on the surface of the water. Nearly all of these films use a modified version of the iconic JAWS poster painted by the late Roger Kastel.

This film's plot is about to tread water again in the upcoming US-Australia co-production DEEP WATER (2025), directed by Renny Harlin and produced by KISS guitarist Gene Simmons (along with half a dozen others). Intended to have been a sequel to BAIT (2012), the film was in production back in 2014 but was canceled due to the eerie disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight 370 that same year. As of August 2025, the plane, nor any of its passengers, have been found. This is Harlin's return to shark cinema since 1999s DEEP BLUE SEA.

13. THE LAST BREATH (2024)

Divers find the sunken remains of the USS Charlotte, a WWII battleship, while scuba diving in the Caribbean. After assembling a team, the group explore the vessel. Venturing deeper into the ships corridors, the divers' guideline snaps, leaving them lost among the many darkened corridors. They quickly learn, albeit too late, they’re not alone inside the rusted ship; Great White Sharks stalk the darkened hallways for food. Their air tanks getting dangerously low, time is rapidly running out to escape both the ship and the sharks that intend to eat them.

Easily one of the best shark movies on this list, THE LAST BREATH has good performances balanced with anxiety-fueled sequences of peril the cast find themselves in. The title derives from the plot point of the divers' air running out. This was likely influenced by the 47 METERS DOWN films; only here, it carries a lot more significance as the dwindling cast must risk leaving one area of the sunken vessel with an air pocket for more dangerous ones while losing air, finding another tank, as well as gambling on trying to make an escape to the surface. Sadly, it ended up being the last film role for Julian Sands. He made a name for himself among genre fans starring in movies like BOXING HELENA (1993), WARLOCK (1989) and WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON (1993). He died in January of 2023 when he went missing January 13th while hiking Mount Baldy in California. His remains were recovered five months later on June 24th. A month later, his cause of death was listed as undetermined due to the condition his body was in.

14. UNDER PARIS (2024)

A research team tracks a Mako shark they named Lilith only to discover she’s grown from 6 feet to 25 feet within two months time. Lilith kills the four-man team and Sophia, the scientist that has been studying her, is nearly killed in the attack. Three years later, Lilith has reappeared, spotted in France’s Seine River. After a freak accident below the city’s catacombs leaves over a dozen people dead, Sophia finds out that Lilith is no normal Mako shark but a new species that is asexual. Havoc erupts during a triathlon when dozens of people are killed when Lilith and other Mako Sharks attack, leaving Paris flooded.

UNDER PARIS is a French shark thriller directed by Xavier Gens (FRONTIER(S); THE CRUCIFIXION) that was picked up by Netflix. It’s an impressively polished motion picture that almost cripples itself with excessive eco-messaging; while the script opts to make Lilith the protagonist instead of the usual villain of all your finer human-gobbling, man-eater movies. This current trend of sympathetic sharks is hard to swallow considering if you’re in the water with them and they’re hungry, you will possibly be bitten, maybe even maimed by them if not eaten. It's not demonizing them, it’s what sharks do. As Matt Hooper pointed out in JAWS, “It swims, and eats, and it makes little sharks, and that’s all”.

Political messaging is becoming a prominent trend in this sub-genre, too. It used to be called social commentary but now filmmakers rub your face in what they believe instead of simply telling a story. Probably the most extreme example of this is 2023s THE BLACK DEMON directed by RAMBO: LAST BLOOD’s Adrian Grunberg. It revives the unused plot point of the broken down, dilapidated town of Amity as depicted in John Hancock’s vision for JAWS 2 that was thankfully scuppered in favor of a plot set in reality. DEMON’s story is about El Diamante, an oil rig that has somehow left the neighboring town of Baja, California bankrupt and in disrepair; not by the destructive policies of the state's politicians, but an oil rig. Meanwhile, a Megalodon has been wished into existence to swim through the oily, black waters to eat the man responsible for building the oil rig who is on vacation there. That its well shot doesn’t take away how gigantically idiotic the storyline is. So far, BLACK DEMON is the only anti-oil and gas killer shark movie till the proposed sequel surfaces.

As for UNDER PARIS, the script is almost as relentless although it’s based in reality in regards to oceanic trash dumps like the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. You’ll be hard pressed not to notice that women are in every position of power; even the sharks are all asexual females and don't need males to procreate. The opening sequence is impressive if outrageously staged whereby the lead character is dragged by Lilith, moving like a bullet train, for what seems like miles below the ocean, and yet she manages to survive. The film works best when it’s paying homage to JAWS (1975), and this is most apparent during the wild finale. In a refreshing change, the filmmakers avoided using words like BLOOD, or DEEP, or even SHARK in the film’s title. It was a quick hit for the streaming service, and a sequel is already in development, so the gamble on a major cliffhanger ending paid off.

15. INTO THE DEEP (2025)

A young woman tries to cope with her fear of sharks as a child after witnessing her father being eaten by one by going deep sea diving for sunken treasure with her husband in Thailand. They, along with another couple, cross paths with drug smugglers who lost containers of cocaine at the bottom of the sea. They send their captives into the water at gunpoint to retrieve the drugs whereby they must get passed the Great White Sharks hunting in the area.

Richard Dreyfuss features in his first shark movie in 50 years. His scenes amount to maybe 15 minutes. But his participation feels more like a messenger for Shark conservation than an actual character in the film. His scenes are mostly flashbacks teaching his granddaughter in an Obi Wan Kenobi tone to "conquer her fears" to the point she becomes something of a Shark Whisperer at the finale. During the end credits, Dreyfuss discusses sharks being killed for their fins in Asia. Shark fin soup is a delicacy there (you used to be able to order it at some Chinese restaurants).

The only Zen Shark movie yet made, it's not very good with its SyFy Channel level CGI. What makes it watchable is the nasty turn by Jon Seda as the main villain; and the filmmakers keeping Scout Taylor-Compton and Lorena Sarria in their thong bikinis the entire time. Some of the film’s promotion rips off the same poster design from 2024s superior THE LAST BREATH. Amazingly, Saban Films has another shark film out with the exact same plot called FEAR BELOW (2025); only that one is set in 1946 Australia and features a Bull Shark in a lake. Similar to the superior shark pictures from Altitude Films, Saban Films has a growing roster of them, even if these are mediocre at best.

Crazily enough, there’s another shark movie mixing drug traffickers and man-eating sharks called DEEP FEAR that came out in 2023. The plot is near identical with a brother and sister pair of drug dealers stranded at sea who are rescued by a woman running a yacht charter service. They force her to retrieve their sunken stash of cocaine and their partner who is stuck in an air pocket aboard their sunken boat. DEEP FEAR is a far better movie than INTO THE DEEP. And not just because of the camera lingering on the stunning form of leading actress, Romanian model Madalina Ghenea, but the shark action is far superior and with CG to match. The only reason it's not the lead title for this selection is due to the JAWS connection of Richard Dreyfuss.

It's been 50 years since Steven Spielberg made moviegoers second-guess going into the water; made us think about what exactly is below us that we can't see. That element of fear is hard to capture. Some of the films listed are more successful at it than others. With no end in sight, the cinema of saltwater terror and other man-eating denizens of the briny deep continue to entertain audiences at home and in theaters. For 50 years, the sub-genre continues to show us it still has teeth.

Cool Ass Cinema Book Review: Kung Fu Craze Hits USA, Revised and Expanded Edition!

2025-07-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

THESE FISTS BREAK BRICKS: HOW KUNG FU MOVIES SWEPT AMERICA AND CHANGED THE WORLD (Revised and Expanded Edition)

By Grady Hendrix and Chris Poggiali

375 pages; hardcover; color and B/W photos; first edition (For Running Press) 2025

When Chinese Kung Fu Fighters and Japanese Ninjas invaded America in the 1970s and 1980s, the Asian martial arts genre was branded into American pop culture like the scars on Lo Lieh's FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH. You'll read all about the many forms the genre took in the 70s, 80s and beyond in this revised and heavily expanded edition.

If you've never seen a Kung Fu movie before (or, under their condescending moniker, Chopsocky flicks), and wondered where the martial arts style of action you see in American movies like THE MATRIX series and others like the BOURNE series originated from, this hefty hardcover chronicles that subject. Asian cinema's infiltration of the US and other international territories is even more meticulously detailed the second time around. (insert: US poster for 1973s THE AWAKEN PUNCH)

It's been three years since FISTS broke BRICKS on bookstore shelves across the US. Now, the voluminous tome on America's (and the rest of the Occidental world's) fascination with Asian martial arts action cinema of the 70s and 80s has been unleashed once more; only this time, it's expanded by 40 pages (pay no attention to the incorrect page counts on Amazon for both editions) and approximately 100 new images. (insert: US poster for the 1975 South Korean martial arts movie, KILL THE SHOGUN)

The number of chapters remains four, but there are additional sub-sections on a variety of topics like paperbacks, 80s video companies, and write ups on selected actors--all of which are new. The layout is different from before and you'll notice the two books have a few things here and there the other doesn't, so it's beneficial to have both versions. Completists, however, will certainly want to own them together.

The original book was a coffee table-sized publication. The new version is bigger in terms of pages but slightly smaller in size, making a better fit for your bookcase (see insert pic for size comparison). Other than the difference in size, the glossiness of the pages are the same. As mentioned above, the images have been increased by nearly 100, so for those who love an assortment of imagery and creatively assembled collages, you've got more variety in the number of photographs than you can twirl a pair of nunchuks at.

It's worth pointing out that once major American studios gave up licensing Asian martial arts movies, the smaller outfits snatched them up by the dozens. Industry insiders in Hong Kong were frustrated with many Chinese film producers in that they continued making endlessly cheap fighting movies for those quick monetary fixes foreign distributors were giving them. Just as critics and filmmakers outside Hong Kong mocked these films, many within their own markets often pleaded with producers to spend more time making quality pictures for export so that their industry would be taken seriously. Had they done so, we possibly wouldn't have gotten the volumes of entertainment; nor a book like this one documenting these wacky cinema endeavors when they took America by storm, and maintained a strong influence and market share from the cinema, television and on home video. (insert: newspaper ad for 1977s THE 7 GRANDMASTERS paired with 1979s THE MYSTERY OF CHESS BOXING)

Even if you're not into these films, the history of the genres impact and influence on American culture will surely fascinate even the most casual of readers. That time will not come again.

You can still buy the first book, but for the newer, bigger version, you can purchase it at Amazon HERE. If you want to read our earlier review of THESE FISTS BREAK BRICKS from 2022, which contains an interview with co-author Chris Poggiali, you can read that HERE. Simply put, THESE FISTS is as highly recommended the second time around as it was the first. (Insert pic: 1981s IRON NECK LI released in the US as KUNG FU IS FOREVER)