The Candy Stash Wallet is modeled after those sheets of wax paper with small drops of hardened liquid sugar on them, and is great for holding all of your cold hard cash.  No, you can’t actually eat the candy studs, and why would you want to?  Then, you’d just have a plain white wallet with no money in it.  If you don’t eat the candy studs, you’ll have a colorful wallet with no money in it.  This product is from World Wide Fred, who has quite a generic name for being so ethnically and globally aware.  You think World Wide Francisco or World Wide York would have made sense.  Either one of those two would have been parts of major American cities, and what’s more worldly than America?  We’ve got all types of food, because we love to eat.  Therefore, we are the most ethnically aware.  ”Daddy, what’s China?”  Not now – go back to bed and put in your Mustachifier.

The Candy Stash Wallet is $15, and is a pretty geeky way to carry money and maxed out credit cards.  There’s also a zipper for the change that you steal from the register when you work at your part-time job at Wal-Mart.  Alright, I can’t do this anymore.  Spending a night in jail has really taken a toll on my writing style, and it’s hard not to refer to criminal actions.  All that I did was use my FUS shout in public!  I didn’t even knock anyone over!  Skyrim: the only game that gives you the option to intimidate someone, and then has you arrested or killed if you choose to.

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Candy Stash Wallet is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Katapult Pen is the perfect tool for getting detentions and annoying coworkers!  With this innovative device, you can hit people with a blunt weapon, catapult small rocks and pieces of paper at people, and hit them again with a blunt weapon!  What fun!  That guy who put your stapler in Jello and is dating the woman that you’ve never talked to but have thought about talking to is going to feel the wrath of the Katapult Pen.  Half pen, half catapult, entirely geeky.

The Katapult Pen is $5, and writes in blue ink.  With great power comes great responsibility, so don’t screw up this opportunity.  Unless it’s really worth it, and you have somebody with a phone camera.  You never know – you might even become as popular as that lady in the Sitting On Tha Toilet video!  Shoot for the stars, and you’ll land on the clouds be detained by the Department of Homeland Security for shooting blanks into the air.  You can’t do that now days, unless you live in Nebraska.  There, you can drive a truck on daddy’s farm when you’re six and fire a gun before you can spell your name.

If you liked the Katapult Pen, you’ll get a kick to the chest out of the Pet Pal Dog Pen and the Edible Pen.

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Katapult Pen is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Zombie Survival Can Energy Drink gives you that last boost of super energy that you need to run ahead of the horde of zombies.  Tongues lashing out at your feet, rogue zombies hurling balls of ice cream, goth zombies piercing their faces – things can get pretty tough.  Your survivor friends need you to be awake when you keep watch, and that’s why they bought you the Zombie Survival Can Energy Drink.  Also, you’re holding a loaded shotgun with the safety off, so it’s only right that you be at full attention.  It’s too late for your left foot, but two wrongs don’t make a new left foot.  Only stem cell research can do that, and we don’t fund that kind of thing in America since it comes from aborted fetuses.  It’s okay to kill babies, but not to use stem cells from those babies to help people regain THE ABILITY TO MOVE.

The Zombie Survival Can is only $3, and you get a 250 ml can of the stuff, which has been pumped with caffeine and delicious taste.  The only problem: I can’t drink this geeky energy drink through my gas mask!  What, you think that zombies cover their mouths when they cough?  I can’t get sick while I’m fighting off the undead – precautions need to be taken.  *Blasts a zombie and promptly uses hand sanitizer*

If you liked the Zombie Survival Can Energy Drink, I’d bet the left side of my body that you would get a tingle tingle from the Pac-Man Power Up Energy Drink and the Blood Energy Drink.

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Zombie Survival Can Energy Drink is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Original Football Man Candle is for when the bros are coming over – and not the ones that you met at the WE THINK SAMUS IS SEXY convention.  (Man, that’s an awesome convention, isn’t it?  They basically invented Zero Suit Samus at one of those.)  Some guys from work want to come over and watch large men run with a ball until they get rocked to the core by other large men (Americans enjoy this) and listen to guys in a booth describe why that man was just laid out by the other man.  (Apparently it involves a large amount of tact and strategy.)  No, The Original Football Man Candle won’t smell like real football – sweaty jock straps, blood, and body odor – it will smell like dirt and leather.  The candle’s reviews claim that it is a pleasant smell, so I wouldn’t be too worried about ruining your home’s aroma.

The Original Football Man Candle is only $12 and will burn for over 30 hours.  That will probably last you an entire season of football, so it’s not a bad deal.  A bad deal would be that time I sold my pancreas for a couple of bags of Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans.

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The Original Football Man Candle is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Heart Gelatin Mold is anatomically correct, and only for the superior of mind.  With this geeky mold, you can literally “eat a heart!”  ”That was never a figurative saying.  when would I say that I’m going to ‘eat a heart’?  Creepo.”  Did you know that cows have two stomachs?  ”You’re trying to change the subject.”  *Does a barber shop song and dance*

The Heart Gelatin Mold is only $6, and allows you to make as many Jello hearts as you can!  There’s no limit to what you can do with this mold – you can make a heart, you can make two hearts, you can make three hearts, or you can make four hearts!  Not like the pig heart I’m growing in a petri dish in the basement, but you know what i mean.  You could also put pieces of licorice into the heart to make it look like the person died of blood clots.  Mmmmm…. licorice…  It looks kind of like “lice rice” but it has an “ish” at the end!

Remember: Valentine’s Day is coming up, and you don’t want to let your loved ones down!  They’re up in the attic for a reason – the police are coming, and they can’t be running their mouths.

If you liked the Heart Gelatin Mold, you’ll want to take a look at the Heart Knife.

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Heart Gelatin Mold is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

Remote Control Rainbow Candles combine the old with the new – just like when I put all of the muffins that were made last week but weren’t sold with all of the muffins that we made this week!  The antiquity of the candle has been combined with today’s wireless remote control shenanigans.  Back in my day, if we wanted to get our candles to burn different colors, we’d have to travel deep into a cave filled with large rats and harvest our own substances to burn.  Kind of like Runescape, except we weren’t morons who lead people out into the woods and then kill them.  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

For $47, you get two Remote Control Rainbow Candles, which are made of real wax but are flameless.  The remote control that comes with these geeky lights allows you to shine your devices 12 different ways!  That’s 12!  Double six!  Half of 24!  The number of monkeys who hit their heads on the side of the bed before social services got called!  That was one unhappy momma monkey, but how can you let your kids keep getting large welts on their heads?  Make them sleep on the floor or something.

If you like these lamps, don’t have lights in your home, and need more lamps, check out the Light Up Ice Cubes.  They’re not lamps, but whatever.  Bright, right, smite, height, light.

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Remote Control Rainbow Candles is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Rebel Alliance and Empire Star Wars Cufflinks are hot out of the ThinkGeek oven!  These geeky cufflinks are rhodium plated (I don’t know what that means but it sounds like something that gives you cancer) and are a surprising $59.99.  I was shocked when I saw the price tag, and I must surmise that these are top quality cufflinks – only for the most elite businessmen.  The Rebel Alliance and Empire Star Wars Cufflinks are available in evil Empire black as shown below and rebellious Rebel Alliance red as not shown above, since people who support the rebellion are pansies.  Force choke, or small green creature?  Force lighting, or no force lightning?  Horns growing out of our heads, or no horns and no sick face paint jobs?

The Rebel Alliance and Empire Star Wars Cufflinks would be great if you knew any major geeks who are having a Star Wars themed wedding or an upscale geek party.  No need to wear a piece of cardboard on your head the roughly resembles a pyramid – just go with a suit and these flashy cufflinks.

Looking for more geeky cufflinks?  Check out the Math Symbol Cufflinks.

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Rebel Alliance and Empire Star Wars Cufflinks is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Lazy Bows 3D Wrapping Paper is for people who are lazy and do not believe in the “it’s the thought that counts” mantra.  I, for one, think that the thought counts as much as Rick Perry can remember the three governmental organizations that he’s going to dismantle.  You can think about it for as long as you want, if you end up buying somebody a junk-yard gift or a junk-yard dog, they’re going to be upset.  The first one was a terrible gift and the second one ate their legs.  How are they going to use that inflatable foot bath you bought this year?  HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID AS TO FORGET THAT YOUR LAST GIFT ATE TWO OF THEIR LIMBS?  *Vicious facepalm*

This geeky wrapping paper is just regular wrapping paper with a flat picture of a bow on it, and an included pair of 3D glasses.  When you put on the glasses, BOOM!  It looks like there’s a bow on the present!  But there’s not.  Because you’re lazy.

The Lazy Bows 3D Wrapping Paper is going to be released in the new World Wide Fred collection, so it’s not available to you yet.  In other news, Japan has had this wrapping paper plus the Xbox 1,440 for over a year and a half!  ”Can I buy one?”  NO XBOX FOR YOU!  IS IN JAPANESE ANYWAY YOU NOT UNDERSTAND.  (Note to people living under rocks: I am exaggerating.  There is no Xbox 1,440, and Japan doesn’t have it.  But they do always seem to get things before the rest of the world when it comes to video games.  Also, 1,440 is 360 times 2 times 2.)  You can pre-order the Lazy Bows 3D Wrapping Paper for $9, and you should get it by early March of this year.

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Lazy Bows 3D Wrapping Paper is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Mustachifier Baby Pacifier gets the young ones going early.  Their proud dad and embarrassed mom both sport astonishingly thick upper-lip facial hair, so why not teach the kid early about what’s important in life?  And, thank God these hypothetical parents didn’t have a girl – how would you like to be known as the mom who passed on the incredible mustache to her female offspring.  Why do you think the bearded lady doesn’t have any kids?  ”Because nobody wants to marry her – she’s got a beard, man.”  You make a good point there, Rob.  Always so practical.  I’m still not letting you borrow my Munchstache Cookie Cutters though.

The Mustachifier Baby Pacifier only has one thing wrong with it (other than the fact that it gives infants mustaches) – it won’t be available until early March of this year.  Don’t fret!  For $10, the price of the Mustachifier, you can pre-order it and get it to your house and into your baby’s spit-filled gummer before the neighbors get a chance to one-up you.

If you’re tired of getting one-upped by those filthy neighbors the Flanders, check out the CSS For Babies Book and the Introductory Calculus for Infants Book.

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Mustachifier Baby Pacifier is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer

The Unofficial Hunger Games Cookbook is comprised of delicious dishes inspired by the best-selling books themselves.  You want French Bread?  Look no further!  You want Katniss’ Lamb Stew?  Capitol Grade Chocolate Cake?  The Hunger Games Cookbook has it all!  Except roasted squirrel.  They eat that in the book, but nobody wants to skin those furry little creatures and eat them unless they live in a society in which people enjoy watching other people beat the living daylights out of each other.  Wait… come to think of it… doesn’t a significant percentage of the world’s people watch UFC fighting?  Serve up the fried squirrel, Chez Rodent – my gramma’s not going to feed herself!  ”That’s sad – it’s great that you take care of her.”  No – she can feed herself, she’s just lazy and stubborn.  ”WHERE’S MY FRIED SQUIRREL?!”

The Unofficial Hunger Games Cookbook is $19, and was written by Emily Baines.  The recipes are probably just normal recipes with names reminiscent of the book, but it would be a cool item to own anyway.  Besides, it might be the fourth book that I’ve read in my life!  The three Hunger Games books, and now the cookbook inspired by the trilogy.  I’ve gone through the Bible, but that was on a Morgan Freeman audio book, so that doesn’t count as reading.  I just wish that Jerry Seinfeld hadn’t guest starred on that tape.

Looking for some more food-related products?  Check out the Brain Freeze Ice Tray.

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The Unofficial Hunger Games Cookbook is a post from: Cool Gizmo Toys

©2012 Cool Gizmo Toys. All Rights Reserved.

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Jack Kieffer