Cool Limerick Poems

The Kool-Aid at Intuit Must Be Delightful

2013-05-23T04:27:54Z

I remember a manager years ago talking about this concept of ‘customer delight’. It was as stupid then as it is now. Intuit (maker of Quicken) seems to think they have achieved it. I’ve got news for them. Nobody is ‘delighted’ to balance their checkbook unless they just won the Powerball! Nevertheless, they keep trying to sell me a new version every year with new features I don’t want or need. Hardly a ‘delightful’ experience. I pity the poor rank and file that have to pretend to drink this kool-aid.

Companies are getting excited
To think that we’ll all be delighted
By everyday tools
‘Cause management fools
Have their heads up a place that’s unlighted.

Big Brother is Watching and Reading

2013-05-14T17:16:54Z

If you think there is any privacy left in the digital age…think again. That latest example is how the FBI (and even the IRS) are freely and legally reading your emails. You might think they’d need a warrant but, with so many loopholes in the privacy laws, they are virtually useless. The ACLU does the best they can to protect us from an over-reaching government but it is an uphill battle. Big Brother is not only watching but reading and listening as well.

The government’s new holy grail
Is privacy laws weakened and frail.
Now with so many reading
Your inbox we’re needing
To change it to ‘we’ have got mail.

Insect Drones – True or False?

2013-05-07T04:44:40Z

I recently received an email describing a new Insect Spy Drone being tested by the government. It looked cool and sounded plausible until one of my friends pointed out this Snopes post that debunks the claim. End of story…right? Wrong! A week later I read about a Harvard team that has developed the first mechanical flying insect. It’s not yet capable to be a spy drone but an important step has been taken. It’s only a matter of time.

It seems that we just can’t forestall
The making of things very small
Like this latest machine
That’s almost unseen
The proverbial ‘fly on the wall’.

Where Is This ‘Shower’ of Meteors?

2013-04-23T04:45:25Z

Last night I tried to watch the Lyrid Meteor shower. I never have much luck with these. It’s hard enough to get up before dawn then I look up and rarely see any meteors. After ten minutes I’m back in bed. I think the term ‘shower’ is a misnomer.

While I patiently watch the stars twinkle
It appears that my plan has a wrinkle
While they talk of a shower
And meteors per hour
All I ever see is a sprinkle.

“and on the 15th day of April, he collected taxes”

2013-04-15T13:31:49Z

Today is one of the worst days of the year…tax day! All that hard earned money gets paid into the government and the great redistribution begins again. Here are some of my favorite tax quotes (and, of course, a limerick).

“You don’t pay taxes, they take taxes.”
- Chris Rock

“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.”
- Paula Poundstone

When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.
-Vanya Cohen

Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.
-Gerald Barzan

I’m proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.
-Arthur Godfrey

Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?”
-Author Unknown

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.
-Author Unknown

Taxes: Of life’s two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.
-Author Unknown

Pothinus: “Is it possible that Caesar, the conqueror of the world, has time to occupy himself with such a trifle as our taxes?”
Caesar: “My friend, taxes are the chief business of a conqueror of the world.”
- George Bernard Shaw, “Caesar and Cleopatra”

Today is the day that the axes
Fall heavy and hard on the back-es
Of regular folk
Who can’t shake the yolk
Of paying their government taxes.

Stacy Lewis Wins But Tiger Gets Headlines

2013-03-20T15:45:51Z

I hope all you golf fans were able to watch Stacy Lewis win the LPGA tournament last weekend. It was a great come-from-behind victory with plenty of drama. She is now the #1 women’s golfer in the world. Her success is a truly incredible accomplishment given the physical challenges she had to endure as a teenager. You would think it might garner some headlines in the sports media, especially for golf. Not so! All eyes were on Tiger woods and his new squeeze Lindsey Vonn. Thanks go out to Tiger for lowering the news bar.

Stacy’s golf game should have beckoned
More media coverage I reckon,
But it seems Tiger’s dating
And with whom he is mating
Has the game itself coming in second.

Taylor Swift Is Perfect For Lifetime Network

2013-03-06T00:54:02Z

Taylor Swift scares me. She has a cold look in her eyes that reminds me of the evil baby-sitters in Lifetime movies. You know the ones, methodically planning to eliminate the wife and steal the husband. Taylor always seems to be cool, calm and in full control of her android like demeanor. That’s why she can’t take a joke from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Whatever the reason, I find her a little creepy.

Celebrities, unlike other folk
Are targets to make fun and poke
So boo hoo Taylor Swift
Who’s reportedly miffed
That her love life’s the butt of a joke.

This Oscar Is More Than A Grouch

2013-02-23T04:19:54Z

The only question in the Oscar Pistorius trial is how long he should spend in jail. Did he shoot his girlfriend on purpose or by accident? Either way he should go to jail. Who pumps four rounds into a closed door not knowing who or what is on the other side? I think blade runner may also have blades for brains.

When Oscar had started to date ‘er
He hoped in the future he’d mate ‘er
But one fateful night
When reeling with fright
He shot first and asked questions later.

North Carolina vs. The Nipple

2013-02-19T03:24:11Z

North Carolina politicians are in the news again. Of course, it’s not for anything that resembles good government or even intelligence. This time they have a bug up their ass for the nipple. They want to make it a felony to show a women’s nipple in public. I’ve been to North Carolina and they are 15 to 20 years behind the rest of the nation (except for South Carolina). Good thing they don’t host Mardi Gras!

When dating it’s more than a ripple
To get to third base for a triple
But in North Carolina
Forget the vagina
You can’t even get past the nipple.

Lance Armstrong For Congress

2013-01-18T06:47:35Z

Here I thought nobody could ever unseat Tiger Woods for lying and betrayal, then along comes Lance Armstrong. He has taken lying and deceit to a new level. Not only did he deny ever taking performance enhancing drugs but he sued those who accused him. His confession is a joke. So what’s next? He’s mastered the ‘big lie’ and the organization it needs to stay alive so the most logical next step…is politics. GOP here he comes!

We’re hearing an old song and dance
And continue our looking askance
At his doping confession
When our heartfelt expression
Is “shut up and fall on your Lance”.

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