Author of Cooperation Counts.

Dave was loving being a grandfather, but there were a few challenges along the way.  His daughter, Lisbeth and his five-year-old grandchild, Samantha, lived some distance away. But whenever they were able to come to visit, their time together was challenging, to say the least.  Samantha was a sweet child, but one who loved to get her own way. Lisbeth didn’t particularly appreciate it when Sometimes-Sweet- Samantha drew a clear, firm line in the sand and, for example, refused to brush her teeth.  This refusal was not a quiet one.  Actually, everyone within ear shot clearly knew Samantha’s stance about her teeth as well as when various other daily life requests were not to her liking.  Lisbeth described Samantha as ‘stubborn’ and this unfortunate description led to even more specific refusals, such as: “I WILL NOT BRUSH MY TEETH. I’M STUBBORN AND I JUST WON’T.”

Oops!

What was needed in these no-win negative scenes were some adjustments on Mom’s part.  Samantha had little to do with it.

Grandpa Dave knew about a special star chart that he had seen on the Cooperation Counts program website: www.cooperationcounts.com  and on their very next visit, he decided to tell his overwhelmed daughter about it. They agreed to start using the special star chart, telling Little-Miss-Stubborn  that they were looking for good choices and that ten stars meant something special for her.

Mom and Grandpa went about the fun business of catching Samantha ‘doing something right’ and Grandpa and Mom cheered her on.  “How many times have I told you to brush your teeth.  Do it now!” was replaced with, “Way to go, Samantha!”

Here’s what her chart began to look like:

SAMANTHA

Date_1-29-12 Got into p.j.’s quickly_

Date_1-29-12   Very gentle with the cat

Date_1-30-12_ Put dirty clothes in the hamper

Date_1-30-12  Brushed her teeth 
Date_1-30-12_ __Helped with the groceries_

AND SO ON……. ALL THE WAY DOWN TO 10 STARS WHICH WAS:

Something special !  Going to the park with Mom and Grandpa

Part of the magic of this kind of chart was that compliments, even when enthusiastically given, did not disappear into the universe.  The stars were actually read aloud: at dinner, after breakfast, anytime anyone wanted to read or hear them!  This highlighted Now-Proud- Samantha’s wonderful choices. Power struggles disappeared. Samantha was the one who decided whether or not to cooperate.

And as it turned out, Mom and Grandpa made a wonderful cheering squad and Samantha was only too happy to be the recipient of their enthusiastic support,

Yes, little changes make a big difference!

About Departures and Teeth: Let’s See What the Kids Decide to Do

By Jean Hamburg

Author of Cooperation Counts.

I have the pleasure of meeting with many families and when I ask for a wish list of what would make everyone tickled pink if there were to be changes, the top winners are:

Adults:  tooth brushing and getting out in the morning,-on time.

Kids : having the freedom to decide whether or not to brush their very own teeth, and not being nagged in the morning.

It is clear, parents generally seem to care more about the tooth brushing and leaving on time than the kids do.

In my view, nothing will change unless the parents make some adjustments.  When well meaning parents nag, threaten, bribe, yell or show almost any level of desperation, things usually get worse.

A SIMPLE SOLUTION FOR NOT SO SIMPLE SITUATIONS: DO VERY LITTLE, AND THEN DO EVEN LESS!

Power struggles are nasty and adults will usually never win them, so it is best to stay out of them altogether.  Easier said than done?  Consider asking a lot of questions and giving brief information.  Translation: playing dumb can be a good thing.

AVOIDING POSSIBLE PARENTAL PITFALLS

“What time does the late bell ring?”  Let’s say the answer is 8:15.

“How long does it take you to get to school?

“It is now 7:30.  That gives you 45 minutes to get there, if you want to be on time.” (key word- you)

“It is now 7:50.  That gives you 25 minutes to leave the house get if you want to be on time.”

“The car (or the bus, neighbor’s car, etc.) is leaving in 30 minutes.”  “The car is leaving in 10 minutes.”  “It’s almost time for the car to leave.”   “Now, the car is leaving.”

Notice what is missing:  “You have to get out of bed now!”, “Your breath is going to smell if you don’t brush your teeth.”  “It’s embarrassing for the family if you go without brushing your hair.”  “I told you to do your homework last night.”  “ Your clothes don’t match! “If you don’t get down here right now, you are going to be late and you might not care, but I do!”

By this time, the adults are often driven to distraction and the kids get slower….and slower…..and…….

I do not know of any child who has died from missing breakfast, going to school in mismatched clothing, having a bad hair day and with breath smelling bad.  There might be a case somewhere in the world but……………..

Note: it is perfectly kosher for parents to call in information to school regarding the fact that the children are appearing in a condition not condoned by the adults.

THE BEAUTY OF BACK-UP PLANS

Creative back-up plans should be made and able to be implemented

in the very likely event that there will not be a timely morning launch.

Of course, there will be consequences-not punishments- in the event that there are poor choices. Some consequences will be natural ones (usually at school) and some will be (very sadly) at home.

HEADING FOR STAR CHOICES

It is vital to notice those who are deciding to cooperate.  Less attention on the dragging-their-feet ones and focusing positive praise on the others, is essential.  It is also a lot of fun! Give it a try!

Author of Cooperation Counts!

Adam was ten and Todd was fifteen.  Their parents had had it!  The rule was ‘no pee on the seat ‘ but no matter how may times they were reminded, there it was—again and again and again!

Mom and Dad punished the boys, they bribed them, they begged, they threatened to allow them to go to the bathroom only when an adult was present to supervise.  We don’t know the outcome of that one, since it never happened, but what we do know is that the rule of cleanliness in the bathroom was not being followed.

When the Cooperation Counts program was introduced into their daily lives, the parents saw the light. They knew that the ‘no pee on the seat’ rule was not in the category of impossible, but it was clearly not the boys’ top priority.  Both parents now knew that there would be a plan if there were clean seats and there would be a plan if there was not.

The Cooperation Counts program was put into place. That took about two days.  Very quickly, time warnings, counting clues, 3’s, work-offs and plenty of visible stars were in full swing.  Work-offs (announced with great empathy, of course) had included the usual things like losing time from video games; waiting for a friend to come over (or not having the friend over at all); no ice cream from the neighborhood ice cream truck; missing a few rounds of bowling (or no bowling at all); losing cell phone minutes and texting (that would be Todd), etc.  The boys said they didn’t care.  Mom and Dad knew differently, but they didn’t get into it with arguments or pleading, as they might have, pre-CC.  The parents now had the boys’ attention: 3’s were sad but would be worked off, and stars were great.

The adults knew that life in parent-land was much more than about 3’s and stars but now, the adults remained calm, even when the boys refused to cooperate with very usual requests.

Pee still appeared on the seats and the phrase ,‘not me!’ was clearly alive and well.

One day, Mom and Dad shared with the boys that each time there was pee on the seat, that would equal an automatic 3, for both boys.  That’s all they said.  That’s all that was needed to be said, and everyone went about their business.

Later, Mom overheard a very interesting exchange between her sons.  The subject was definitely about pee.  In complete shock, she heard the following, “Mom’s serious. Let’s figure something out.”  This was music to her ears!

From that day on, the bathroom seats were mysteriously clean, and minus any hint of pee.  Amazing but true! The boys themselves had simply decided–their choice, of course!

Maddy was 6 years old and completely adorable, except for her mouth.  Actually, her mouth was just fine, but the words that came out of it were not!  There was a mystery attached to this ‘R rated’ situation:  She was just fine in school, the neighbors clambored to have her play with their children, and even at family get-togethers there were no eye-raising events having to do with ‘truck driver language’. She was in angel mode in all settings except at home.  I am choosing, purposely, not to share the specifics of Maddy’s inappropriate language due to the fact that it was quite startling.  Trust me on this one.

A fact: more than occasionally, Maddy’s parents had been known to swear and so had her four older and younger siblings, but Maddy’s mouth was over the top!

Both parents were usually exhausted.  They worked multiple shifts, often not seeing each other for days and nights at a time. Money was tight—very tight. The strain of it all was affecting their marriage.

No matter what anyone said or did, Maddy and her mouth continued in over-the-top fashion. Her parents and adoring relatives tried everything they could think of, including begging, bribing, punishing, cajoling, yelling, ignoring, and anything else that came to mind.  Maddy continued to express herself in ways that were completely unacceptable.

What did Maddy need in order to decide to talk in a more acceptable way?  That remained a mystery until several thoughtful interventions were introduced.

1)   Mom and Dad decided to get out of the no-win power struggle of “Don’t ever say bad words again!”,  which was 100% ineffective.  However, instead, they announced that “Any bad word you decide to say, Maddy, turns into a ‘3’, belongs to us and will, sadly, need to be worked off.”  A work-off of a 3 is a consequence, not a punishment, and must be important to Maddy, along with being in the category of happening, or not happening no matter what.  For example:  If Maddy wants to go get a donut with Dad, and it’s fine with him, he would check her 3’s chart to see if there were any that need to be worked off.  If so, the work-off might be waiting for a few minutes to get the donut or the work-off might even be ‘no donut today at all’—announced sadly, of course.

2)    Maddy’s parents watched very carefully for times when she decided NOT to say bad words. They were vigilant about catching her talking nicely!  She was then given applause, high five’s, and a with ‘didn’t say bad words’ written on her special Cooperation Counts star chart: (go to  www.cooperationcounts.com.) Ten stars equaled a little treat.  They kept cheering her on!

3)   Maddy’s parents decided that they needed to find ways to help their little girl to feel good about herself—to fill her up emotionally.  Her special star chart was certainly an ego booster but they also added other ‘connecting’ times, which helped a whole lot!  They made sure to have special time with Maddy and also made sure that they always said, “This is our special time”—a very important detail.

4)   Maddy’s parents also made sure that they were not showing any adult theatrics like sarcasm, outrage, frustration, etc. They spoke to her calmly and without anger.

The adjustments that the adults made took some time and effort, but at least they were working with the issue in positive ways.  It was a win/win situation.  If Maddy decided to cool the ‘language’, there was a plan.  If Maddy decided to continue ‘the mouth’, there was a plan.

Another fact: when the adults make thoughtful adjustments, it can make all the difference in the world!

Author of Cooperation Counts

When things are going along nicely in the parenting department, that’s great but…..

When kids get into trouble, adults tend to notice.

“How many times have I told you not to open the refrigerator door?”
“The rule is to put your toys away.  I see toys all over the floor!”
“I asked you to put your dish in the sink, and it’s still on the table.”
“Don’t kick the back of my seat in the car. It’s not safe!”
“Stop begging for ice cream.  I told you, not tonight.”
“No pajamas.  No story.”
“Why won’t you share your toy with your sister?”

And on it goes……..

So, how about making it a parental habit to notice when our youngsters ‘happen’ to do something right-even by accident !

It could go like this…..

When Stacy happens to zoom by the refrigerator, even when she has absolutely no interest in it or its contents at that moment, there could be enthusiastic applause and “Stacy!  Great job not opening the refrigerator door!  WONDERFUL !”  

When Buddy happens to put a train in the toybox, give wild applause! “Terrific, Buddy! I love the way you cleaned up your toy!”   High five, thumbs up, more applause!

If Claud happens to put his plate in the sink, “Claud! Thank you so much for putting your plate in the sink. I love it!” Of course, more applause follows!

And on it goes……..

Getting the kids’ attention is vital, but being careful to avoid lectures, adult theatrics, criticism, begging, yelling, threatening, punishment, pleading and bribing.  Parental traps loom everywhere, and by catching the kids doing something right  the nasty negatives are avoided while being replaced with positive praise and upbeat encouragement. Kids might ‘shut us down’ if there are negative comments, but when good deeds are enthusiastically endorsed, that’s a whole different ball game-a very nice one, indeed.

author of Cooperation Counts

“I WON’T, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME” is a huge challenge when we are asking or telling our teens and kids of any age, to……fill in the blank; the list is endless.

The question of what adult responses are effective largely remains a mystery.  Because there are so many variables to consider, by the time we were to sort them all out, our kids and teens might be well on their way into adulthood!

The complex nature of any power struggle in everyday parenting is  staggering, so I suggest we consciously avoid them.

Conscious Disengaging
Conscious disengaging is not about ignoring, it is not about “I’m all done with you”, and it is certainly not about “Just do what you want.”

It is being thoughtful about a response. Even if there is an impulsive one, driven by well-deserved emotions, it is a good thing to do just what we want our kids of all ages to do: re-group. In the following anecdote, Todd is a teen; however, his age is irrelevant—the  principles are the same.

Instead of Any or All of the Following:
“Todd! I can’t believe you haven’t turned off the video games yet.  You promised you would do that at eight o’clock. When I went to the store, I trusted you to do that, and look what time it is! Nine o’clock doesn’t even resemble eight o’clock. I’ve been trying really hard to trust you and look what you have done with that trust. You’re grounded!  Don’t even THINK of using your cell phone or computer or video games for at least two weeks.  Maybe that will get you to think about the trust thing. When will you ever learn? Now, you’ll have plenty of time to think about how important it is to just do as you are told. I don’t even want to lay eyes on you for the rest of the night.”

Re-Group Instead:
This can be done within a few seconds or an even longer period of time.

“I was really upset when I came back from the store at nine o’clock and found the video games still on.  Since it is never a good idea to make a decision when either of us is upset, I think it’s best that we talk about this when we are both calmer and can figure out what this is all about.  I’ll be in the kitchen. We can have a meeting in about  half an hour to figure out together how to handle this.  I’ll check with you in a little while.”

Adding Any Expectation When There is a ‘Situation’ Can Create More Challenges:
I considered adding to Mom’s statement, “In the meantime, turn off the video game” but I decided not to do so, as adding any expectation at a time when our kids are ‘dug in’, just adds ‘fuel to the fire’ and sets up another layer of  power struggles, when that is not the point.  The point is the fact that Todd had decided not to turn off the video games when he was asked to, and continued to play them, illegally.

I also considered having Mom asking Todd to check in with her, but this could add yet another power struggle to the mix, as he might decide not to do so. It makes much more sense for her to check-in with him when it is time for the meeting.

Focus on One Behavior at a Time:
In order to be effective, addressing one behavior at a time makes the most sense.  Refusals, rudeness, etc. can be handled at another time. It is tempting to add “And turn off the game now!” and “Don’t you talk to me in that tone of voice!”  Actually, if Todd decides to turn off the video game before the meeting, this would certainly be noticed my Mom!

The Meeting – a Short One
Now there is a chance for a thoughtful response.  Even if Todd gets rude, minimizes the issue ( “What’s the big deal???”), blames it on someone else, gets into “I don’t care what you do to me, you’re always more fair with Gabby than you ever are with me”, etc., at least Mom is in a calmer ‘place’, and that is critical to any positive outcome.

Traps
Traps also include such familiar phrases as “It doesn’t make any difference to me!” or “Whatever!” or “This is just plain stupid!”, plus a host of other nasty remarks. If there is any response at all, how about considering: “Thanks for letting me know” and leave it at that.

Cool Heads (at least one) Prevail
Adults are always ahead of the game when problem-solving if blood pressure is down, even if Todd is not quite there yet. For example: “Todd, I was disappointed that the video game wasn’t turned off.  I want to be able to trust you. This has happened two other times this week, so it’s time to address it.  Do you have any ideas about how to do that?”  If Todd doesn’t share even a glimmer of a thought in this matter, it is a good idea for Mom to offer something herself. Fewer sparks tend to fly that way, and even if he is thoroughly annoyed with Mom for ‘making a big deal out of nothing,’ kids of all ages (as well as the adult crowd) tend to experience less resistance to the outcome when they have a part in their fate.

Earning a Negative Consequence
Note: In the Cooperation Counts system, a consequence is noted as a work-off of any 3 that Todd decided to get. It must be something that is important to Todd and will or won’t happen no matter what he says or does. There are no power struggles in sight when there is a negative consequence.  (Notice that I have not used the word ‘punishment’.)

It would be wonderful if Todd were to have input and agree to the consequence.  Hope springs eternal, but the consequence will happen with or without his input. It just seems to be the right thing to do to offer to consider his input as important to the process.

Let’s say that Todd’s consequence for deciding to play the video game illegally is no video games for six waking hours. There need be no ‘bad guy hat’ for Mom. There is absolutely no point in a punishment mode.  It is what it is. No power struggles allowed. The controllers to the video game become unavailable-in the trunk of a neighbor’s car?  At a parent’s office?   Period.  End of story, beginning of the six-hour count-down.

Trouble During a Consequence Time
If there is trouble during the consequence, sadly the time starts again.  Trouble can take the form of rudeness to a sibling or parent, such as slamming a door, teasing the cat, refusing to clean up, etc.  There are other negative things that Todd can do during the consequence, but of course, the time for no video games will need to start over.

More Global Consequences
Sometimes families will prefer that a consequence having to do with a video game include ‘no screens’. This means TV’s, computers, cell phones, movies, etc.  This is fine, but remember that the consequence will happen, no matter what he says or does.  This translates into adults needing to have control of the ‘screens’.  Computers have keyboards; laptops are portable; i pods, hand held devices, TV’s  and DVD players, etc. can all or partially be included in the consequence.

The Point of a Consequence
The point of a consequence is to get Todd’s attention, without lectures or lessons.  The point is that it has happened at all. When the consequence is done, it is done.  Move on.  Discussion can always happen, but at a later time, when everyone has settled down.
Encouragement
It is vital that the adults let go of the urge to be negative, give lectures, or attempt to teach lessons.  Instead, encouraging Todd to choose to do the right thing, and sharing faith and hope that he will decide to do so, is the way to go. It might even be that Todd would prefer more of a setting-him-up-for-success approach. This might include the fact that if it is hard for him to stop playing video games when Mom is not in the house, Mom can keep checking in with him from time to time about when he feels that he is ready to stop playing the games on his own, without reminders.

Letting Go of the Negatives, Noticing the Positives
Letting go of “I can’t believe that you…..”, etc. is oh-so-important. Praise is definitely preferred, and turns out to be quite pleasant!

Sometimes it happens that children of any age can escalate from mellow to madness at a dizzying rate of speed. This incredible feat has been documented by parents, relatives, teachers, acquaintances, and complete strangers.  At other times, children of any age can achieve the exact opposite: that is to become mellow within moments.

Triggers to the wild escalations are often easy to identify.  Usually, something is not to their liking and kids express themselves…. strongly! But the phenomenon of  the madness-to-mellow scenes are often trickier to identify.

One thing is clear:  If kids are motivated enough to either escalate or de-escalate, there is a higher chance that either will happen.

Take the Smith Family……. Jocelyn, Judy, and John are not shy about showing their emotions and it happens that they ‘take some space’ in their rooms rather regularly.

Mom and Dad are Cooperation Counts parents and follow the program to a ‘T’, and so it is that if the kids decide to get to “That’s 3”, there is a time-out either for the adults or the kids.  This particular afternoon, “That’s 3. No spitting” resulted in Judy being in a time-out in her room.  At other times, “That’s 3” might translate into adult time-outs; however, let’s get back to Judy in her room.  Every few minutes, Mom went in, asked in an upbeat way, “Are you all set?  Are you all set to come out and no spitting?”  Judy was NOT ready and demonstrated that in a number of high drama, negative ways.  Mom just kept checking with her, avoiding any nasty confrontations, arguments, or lectures.

Finally, she decided that enough was enough and she had an idea.  She made popcorn. Yes, you read that right.  She made popcorn.  Mom knew that Judy loved popcorn and she also knew that it was no problem for Judy to take as much ‘space’ and time as was needed to settle down, but……..popcorn smells really good, and mom knew that.  Soon, the yummy popcorn smell drifted under the door where Judy had decided she was NOT ready for the no-spitting thing.

But then she smelled the popcorn and she decided that she wanted some.  Out she came, and when mom asked, for the umpteenth time  if she was all set to come out and agree to stop spitting, she was!

Aaah, yes.  The power of popcorn is a wonderful thing.

“But it’s really important!”

It frequently happens at bedtime.

“Mom, I have to tell you something really important and I didn’t want to tell you this afternoon because you were so busy but I just can’t go to sleep without telling you about what Andrew did to me at school today.”

A sincere outpouring of sharing momentous events and feelings is important, of course. The trouble is the timing. The trouble is that adult evenings slip away and kid sleep is delayed. That combination can spell Trouble, with a capital T.

TIPS TO CONSIDER

1) A little preparation can go a long way.
During the day, offer ‘special time’ where important ‘anything’ can be brought up. Thoughts, concerns, anything nice can even be put into a special box to be addressed at another time but, dollars to donuts, the vital issues will not be shared at those offered moments. There are too many other really important things to do, like play with the neighbor, build a fort, talk with a friend, play video games, etc. Still, offering to be available to listen to news of the day is a good thing. The key word is ‘day’ as opposed to listening to news in the night.

2) Bedtime is bedtime, not talk time.

Agree on a specific phrase that will signal the end of adult interaction. The end means no more talk, no more cuddles, no more anything unless there is blood. Period. Then, stick to the ‘good night’, no matter what.
3) Put it on a list of important things to revisit at a legal time.

‘Something important about Andrew’ will do. Paper and pencil can be kept handy. Writing something down acknowledges the importance of the Andrew scene as well as keeping ‘No talk after the last good-night rule securely in place. Putting important issues on a list also applies to various other tricky times, like when it is launch time for school or for work. “This
Is really important. Let’s get it on the list !” can be done in a flash!
4) Removing adult attention firmly and respectfully.

There is a big difference between ‘ignoring’ (I’m all done with you!’) and conscious disengaging (‘Now is not the time for discussion but I am interested in what you have to say. I’ll put it on the list.’) When we decide to ignore, there are often various adult emotions evident. With conscious disengaging, there is a thoughtful choice, minus obvious frustration, annoyance, etc.
5) Heading for the stars.

Compliments for a job well done are great but they disappear into the universe. By using a star chart where the praise is visible by writing next to the star, ‘Great bedtime’, ‘Great staying in bed all night’, compliments can be re-visited time and again and then they mean something, long after the joyful event.
6) We can’t make someone go to sleep. This is a proven fact.

We can make a good effort at keeping a child in a room but we can’t make them go to sleep. This is where a respectful, follow-through getting-the-kids-attention-to-help-everybody to-do-their-best plan comes in mighty handy.
7) Parents are in the driver’s seat about when good night is good night.
It turns out that conversation can be grand, but just not in the night. There is no law that says, ‘Parents must answer a child’s question in the exact moment it is asked.’ It is up to the adults about when good night is really good night. Of course, there are many layers of why it is hard for children to let the day go and allow themselves to drift off to sleep. These layers can, and should be addressed, but everyone is in much better shape to do so when everyone has had enough sleep.

PEACE !