I am living proof of coping with hiv and hep-c can be done .

In a perfect world.

2011-11-05T11:04:00.000-04:00

We would all have jobs we love and pensions that support us when we are old . Dirty laundry would clean itself and annoying roomates would move out . Sounds like a wish list . I am aware I have alot to be greatful for but it still doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for my situation. The weather is getting cold , I hate the cold and why I live in New England is nobody's guess. I used to love the change of seasons .
Still playing with the idea of moving to San Diego with my very good friends . It would be a drastic change but hey change is good for the soul . I am really not into the changing od the doctors and health coverage , with so many people with HIV fighting to get health care and coverage I am not sure it would be in my best interest to make such changes . But the weather is certainly a great plus !

Dating and having sex .....again

2011-10-01T09:13:00.000-04:00

OOhh yes....... it's certainly time to move on and move forward with my true self. I have been so turned off about sex and having it, I convinced myself I was no longer date-able or attracted to anyone for that matter. I have been violated several times which is a turn off. I contracted HIV and Hep-c, another turn off . But with my new found second chance comes choices I need to make for myself. I certainly didn't think I would be celibate for this long or that I wouldn't want to date anymore. I had so much to think and deal with, first and foremost myself and my health. I have also been in therapy for the last 6 years which has assisted in my successful decision making skills. So then how do I put myself out there........it shouldn't be so hard . Take off my commitment rings and leave myself single. I have been on a few dates, chemistry is a bear sometimes . But most importantly I am NOT HIV. I have HIV. I have nothing to be ashamed about and nothing to regret.

Keep a check of your health - most importantly. Keep up your daily regimen of meds. Eat well and exercise regularly. All of these are important no matter what you are going through , take care of your body and it will do the same .

Just a case of medication rage....

2011-09-09T07:57:00.000-04:00

This may be the worst affect I have felt so far . Not really sure how to explain it on a forum like this . I think I am having a reaction to the Noravir as I suspected it is running my energy level to zip . I have switched times I take everything and it doesn't seem to matter. As I read in someones blog, I am soaking in Meds! This too will have to be addressed with my Dr. You figure if your numbers are good. It will be ok .But I have questioned her on this issue . I don't take anything besides Gabepentin which is a nerve painkiller . I am supposed to take up to 1300 mgs a day . But I take 900 . Another drug that zaps my energy , but it helps the neurological pain I have in my back and legs.

The condom conversation

2011-09-08T08:42:00.000-04:00

POZ - Newsfeed : Boys Who Masturbate Are More Likely to Use Condoms, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or take this seriously. It doesn't even make sense that because you masturbate you will wrap it up during sex . To be honest with you condoms are the only things not getting better in time . I think most men agree its sometimes a show stopper . While there are men who continue to not use them because there is no -feeling when you use a condom . Many younger people have written to me saying they swear they use them , And feel comfortable with that .

I have also got comments such as I am a top so I am not at risk . Tisk , Tisk . blood can be transfered from bottom to the top when there is a sore , or scrap. I think the best way to use condoms is to double wrap them , they fit better and you can feel everything much better. Cheers everyone

Storms

2011-08-26T12:46:00.001-04:00

We can only do our best and give people a chance. Be kind and respectful :)

The Bright Full Moon

2011-08-12T22:02:00.001-04:00

Another gift from the Universe........the huge shining moon. I wonder to myself, is it so bright because it will guide us or other wonders? Astrologers have said it effects our ocean, weather and surely the way people react within a span of a week before and following its wholeness. I wish to receive positive energy from all of it.
Rocky road for most of the summer. I am having a hard time still with my HIV meds. I am going to just let the meds do what they do and plan around the toxic affect they have me. I can smell them when I sweat, when I take them (at night again ), I smell them in my urine and wonder if I killed a few fishes along this journey.
But I am taking them the way I have to. I have to start dealing with the 'fat" issue. I feel so skinny everywhere but my bloated belly . Sit ups and a daily workout is just to be healthier, it is not actually working on my belly, might be time to suck it out. I hope you are all well and feel free to leave a question or comment. Blessed be

What The Hell is going on !

2011-07-25T06:35:00.000-04:00

Slow the F#$#$ down and take a minute to look around you ! People seem vicious and viral . Forget when they get a chance to sit behind their screens glaring and judging I know .. thats Gay life for you! We are all bitches and not in a supportive way .Here I am at 47 and nothing has changed with that . I am glad I have the friends and family I have so you can all take back your negativity and grow the hell up !
I suppose its my fault for writing in my profile that I am positive , I am not saying I am proud of it I just have come to grips with it . Meanwhile the people who are booing me are having sex without condoms and anyone can say hey are not positive and be positive because they haven't been tested at all . It really strikes me as stupid and arrogant on their part .
So why is it everyone is so damn judgmental ( in the gay community) we should all be helping each other in this struggle with HIV and other diseases . we want our rights like straight people , then let us act together and not against each other . I will no longer be going on Manhunt because of that reason . Imagine being blocked because your hiv positive. Sounds to me we are taking a step back .

Budget cuts for HIV programs !

2011-07-07T10:27:00.000-04:00

Join AIDS United TODAY in a National Call-in Day to Support HIV/AIDS Programs!	Take Action!


Background: Last week, Congressional negotiations to reduce the federal deficit hit a roadblock, putting at risk critical services upon which millions of Americans rely, including persons living with HIV/AIDS. The Ryan White Program, Medicaid, housing, prevention and other programs that make up the social safety net for vulnerable Americans with HIV/AIDS are on the line. Congressional leadership is negotiating an agreement to reduce the deficit and set new spending limits now. Action Needed: Please call Congressional Leadership and President Obama TODAY with this message: Prevent harmful cuts and caps to health care and low-income programs, including those that impact persons living with HIV/AIDS, such as the Ryan White Program, Medicaid, housing and prevention programs! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), 202-224-3542 House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), 202-225-0600 President Barack Obama, 888-245-0215 (Please note that it may take a few minutes to be connected to a live operator with whom you can leave a message. These calls MUST be placed before 5:00PM EST – the White House comment line closes for the day at that time.) Additional Talking Points: Balancing the budget on the backs of vulnerable Americans, including those living with HIV, is wrong, will potentially cost lives, and will cut jobs in the health care and human needs sectors. Early and reliable access to HIV care, treatment, and support helps people with HIV live healthy and productive lives and is cost effective. Investing in HIV prevention today translates into greater health and less spending in the future. In my state/district, such programs are greatly needed, because (insert local details or tell personal story).

Spring , Renewal ?

2011-06-03T11:13:00.000-04:00

Sorry its been so long . I have been constructing what I wanted to say since It has been an incredible time for me , both sad and glad . My two very good friends have passed 1 from his horrible HIV and the other by accidental suicide . I only say this as she tried so many other times , this time she just plain took her pain and left. I have become somewhat of a good mourner, I know exactly what I am supposed to do and feel . I suppose you reach an age where it is second nature , mine was 25 most people would say 40-45 .
I am starting a new study for the newer drug called Raltegravir in place of the white cocoon Norivir ! Yeah, I hated that pill it was always the one I could taste , feel , make me aware I am sick . Anyway this pill also helps stabilise your cholesterol which mine has gone through the roof ( no more daily ice cream). So I hope it helps me and countless others this happens too.

I am looking forward to the warm weather which was here a day ago before the twisters came and sucked it away ! Honestly twisters in New England "?Really?? yes they were bad too .

I hope your all well and enjoying the warm weather where ever you are . Sending you love and light , Blessed Be!!

Long time coming !

2011-04-25T06:52:00.000-04:00

So sorry I realized I haven't been on for a bit . Lots going on and I have been sick for over 2 weeks, since returning from my San Diego . I do plan on moving there I have so many friends and cannot beat the weather . I of course over indulged myself in partying . I don't really indulge when I am home but of course all my Blessed friends found a reason to " go to happy hour" oyeeeee I am sure I drank away some of my T-Cells . Seeing my Dr before I left was a very positive appointment , My t-cells went up but so did my cholesterol . Trying to work on that with a much better diet . less Ice Cream and stupidity!

I am not sure if it was the "Partying " or the woman who sat next to me on the plane sneezing all over me . But I got home very sick , I held out in bed , That is why I haven't posted in so long . Better days to come physically as I am also on an exercise regime now . I still am holding out for being able to be active for more than 4 hours a day . It is so important and it really does feel much better .

Today is a very sad day for me I lost anther friend Lauren , She was a big support for me in ways she never knew and of course it is to late to tell her that . She had a very hard time with this life and mental issues . To talk to her or look at her you could never realize the pain behind her smile . It is sad and I will miss her alot , but forever she will be in my heart.

Christie Brinkley - I've only had botox ONCE?!?!?

2011-04-23T16:14:00.000-04:00

Stigma ............

2011-03-28T17:44:00.001-04:00

I have just realized with the passing of the Fabulous Liz Taylor, how ignorant people still are about HIV/AIDS. Silly me for thinking it isn't so. Of course it is so different for me since I spent my twenty's taking care of my dying friends without the thought of transmission. One after another, some of them calling me 'Nurse Rachet' in an amusing sort of way...........watching my best friends leg being eaten alive by KS....... I am sure I could sit here and write how horrible it was and list all the aliments I took care of.

I have noticed while on a cruise site and labeling my status POS, you hear little whispers and frightened men, who meanwhile, are ready to screw anyone without a condom. Tops still think they can't get it, bottoms do not insist on using condoms. I don't understand gay men or why they would be so ignorant. So, dating right now is going to be pretty hard for me because I am honest about my status? We shall see. I don't know that I would bother.

I finally get to see my Dr on Tuesday. I haven't seen her in a while and I think I need to get some readjustment of my meds. I have no energy. Somedays I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. The head Dr is today and she will need to help me adjust my meds or something. I feel my bright light dimming and I refuse to give in at this point of the fight !

Blessed be all**

A new twitter account !

2011-03-28T12:52:00.001-04:00

Spring is in the Air !

2011-03-18T11:39:00.001-04:00

Thank mother nature for giving us a break from the very long, long winter. I haven't felt well all winter but I put on a happy face anyway. The happy face I am certainly tired of using. I have big hopes for 2011 and feel like I can't do much about them at this time.
So far I have tried Astro-gel, and ritalin, nether of which works for me . I have no energy...... well maybe the first 2 hours I am up. I just wonder if I am doing something wrong or not enough . I do feel the warm weather coming seems to give me more hope and a little more energy.
Each visit to my shrink helps. We are working hard to figure out what we can do. The truth is I don't know if I will ever feel like I did 10 years ago. As you age, yes, you get slower, but I am not that old and think there is something out there that might help.
I am gaining weight on a regular basis again. I was too skinny and looked way to thin .and I am 5 pounds over my ideal weight so thats a good thing. Exercising more too. In my few hours of energy I pump out yoga, a long walk and some weight lifting. The meds are working to keep me alive. I want to be sure I do my part as well! Being sick sucks, but I can and will do more to make it spectacular! Stay well , be safe .

Tom Petty - Stevie Nicks - Stop Draggin' My Heart Around - I Need to Know

2011-03-13T06:30:00.000-04:00

Stevie Nicks Secret Love new song 2011

2011-03-10T17:00:00.000-05:00

Sorry so Long ... Depression and HIV

2011-03-10T12:16:00.000-05:00

I was going to completely stop writing about HIV and my life and how depressing it can become when a friend told me that is why you should write. I like to keep a happy face even when I want to explode and have a full out pity party. Well we are all allowed that, but I know spending too much time on the negatives can bring you straight down to depression. I do go see my shrink at least 2 times a month and I am on medications for depression, so it is not like I am not addressing the issues at hand .

Depression among people with HIV is most common along with anyone facing a life threatening disease. The cold long winter doesn't help either. I know alot of people go to support groups and that helps them. I am all for it if it helps you, but I have never found groups to help me. I am too nervous around people to begin with, so to sit down and talk about my disease to anyone but people I know makes me anxious. The stigma is still there. Judging...... I hate that. I assume people think it is my fault I am HIV positive. Assumptions are stupid I know.

I do want to recommend something I found to help at the moment. POZIAM blogtalk radio which is on Sunday nights at 9:00. Its like being in a group, but more informative and it's just good to hear these people chat about all sorts of things.............being HIV, doing good things to help and also how people got HIV and their stories. Tune in I think you will enjoy this.

Spring is around the corner and I am beginning to get out of my "funk". Until the next time !

Blessed Be and be kind to one another.!

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams - Live in 1987

2011-03-05T20:25:00.001-05:00

Stevie Nicks - Bella Donna Live 1981 HQ

2011-03-05T19:17:00.000-05:00

Time flys when your healing others.

2011-01-20T04:59:00.003-05:00

My roommate has been sick for over two months. I decided I had 2 choices......let her think she was getting better or take the stubborn old woman to the DR. We have been friends since before I sucked my first bad boy, before I had lived in Boston for a year; fresh out of high school with a body to die for and we became friends. I suppose you can call her my fag hag . Never have words rung so true! So anyway she's been coughing for years. She smokes 2 packs of Winston a day and any pot that may be in the area. They say you really get to know someone, the longer you stay alone with them ....27 days oyeeee. I am so used to being alone during the day I have forgotten what it is I do aside from writing this. I do stocks and maintain this apartment building. And of course keep the apartment as OCD as I can.

Well her Dr's did what I would have - they gave her an inhaler and some coughing syrup w/ codeine (yay I can slip it in her wine .JUST KIDDING!). Anyway who has time to think about how horrible my stomach has been feeling, and the fact I am on fire most of the time. But there is no recorded temp? Luckily emphysema is not contagious so I am fine!

Hope you all have a healthy, wealthy, wise day! Be kind to each other. Blessed be

AIDSmeds - Top Stories : Age-Related Declines in Physical Function No More Common in HIV

2011-01-14T13:01:00.001-05:00

AIDSmeds - Top Stories : Age-Related Declines in Physical Function No More Common in HIV

This article relates how the meds we are taking take a toll on our body, probably faster than aging without our disease. I believe staying positive in the way you live and breath is the answer. Some of you may be unable to live a positive life, but I tell you I find it so much easier than having conflict and negativity swirling around in your world. Meditation is a great way to start, just by sitting quietly by your self in a room surrounded by a few candles, some music, and doing breathing exercising.

Take easy steps to improve your mind and soul and the body will follow. I have met the most wonderful woman who has taught me the most incredible steps to a clearer state of mind. Be safe, love each other . Blessed be !

AIDSmeds - Top Stories : Undetectable Viral Load Key to Long-Term Health in Late HIV Treatment Starters

2011-01-12T14:11:00.000-05:00

AIDSmeds - Top Stories : Undetectable Viral Load Key to Long-Term Health in Late HIV Treatment Starters

Forum on Mental Health and HIV: Mental Therapy?

2011-01-11T22:10:00.001-05:00

Forum on Mental Health and HIV: Mental Therapy?

I have a few things to say about this. I will definitely have it up by tomorrow. Please take care and come back!! Blessed be.

Snow Snow Snow.

2011-01-11T09:13:00.001-05:00

Although not a life threatening illness, snow happens to be a pain in the arse this year. Trudging to and from anywhere you have to go, trying to stay dry and warm, trying also to dodge all the colds and flus people. My roommate has pneumonia and is confined to the house for a week (Joys). I am trying to explain the correct way of helping yourself when you're sick...... ie don't drink wine with your antibiotics. Stay in bed and stay the hell away from me!

So other than the weather, my health seems to be at another good can I say week? I have felt good so far, except for sleep. For some strange reason I am waking up at 2 and not able to return to sleep. Normally if I do that I can just start reading and I am out like a light .

I hope you are all well! Please be kind to one another. Blessed be!

Its going to be an amazing year !

2011-01-05T10:26:00.001-05:00

I honestly feel this is a good year for us, for more understanding brings more tolerance and we all need to be more tolerant of our fellow humans. As we are all. It always begins with a smile and hello and just reconnecting with people really does help your positive energy flow. As we would wish everyday be a positive one we can lessen those that are not . Every one has the need to be acknowledged in his or her life , you can be head of your own ( is that word owned by Oprah?) I have such blessed reasons for making this a great year and worth my presence in it.