A journey by me , co-staring HIV

Still fighting the good fight .

2017-03-22T08:49:00.001-04:00

Wow as I change the calendar this month. I am immediately reminded , I am going on 20 years of surviving HIV, & Hepc . Both are undetectable . I am semi healthy , by that I mean I have maintained my weight of 150 Lbs for 6 months now . My Dr. Had switched me to complera and the weight just flew off my body . I could not or did not want to eat . The side effects of this drug ,plus my antidepressant did a number on my stomach . I finally remembered a friend from the 80's who was losing weight and having stomach issues used ENSURE to help put on weight and add some more nutrients as well. The Dr also switched me to Odefsey, and a different antidepressant Effexor.
I am sure you long time survivors have been switched a few times by now .The side effects are the worst but once you get used to them , you will get switched again .

The only other issue I have is dizziness and fainting .If any of you are having this problem, we need to talk about it. I am sure I am not the only one out here . Hoping you are all well , and Blessed

Lady Antebellum - Golden (From CMT Crossroads)

2013-11-16T05:23:00.001-05:00

Lady Antebellum - Golden (From CMT Crossroads): CMT Crossroads: Stevie Nicks and Lady Antebellum
This is amazing , making life a bit brighter ...That is what music is .......Better than any drug

I am back!

2013-06-03T22:49:00.002-04:00

I am continuing this blog many months have past and I have alot to discuss and vent of course. Hope all is well

Best,
S
ean

Springtime

2013-05-25T11:42:00.001-04:00

Well here we go finally spring . Filled with Hope , allergies , bad storms .. I prefer to stay on the hope part . I don't know if its possible to be happy when other people suffer from these horrible storms . Bless them for mother nature can be quite explosive . I have been feeling alive again ,as I do every spring ...HOPE . The Dr's say my numbers are great and I am "undetectable " a clearer answer I shall soon find out . I don't doubt what they say as they have the "numbers" and that is what it says .

I have a question for all my friends who went through the horrors of the liver treatment . How is your head these days ? Peace and love .....Sean

2013-04-29T22:01:00.001-04:00

I know you can have the bad days where you just can't better any thought going through your brain.Is this just my poor brain fried from the years of happy boy living and the decays of HIV/AIDS sure enough ,But I was able to help my friends when they needed it , To many people to many friends . yes it affects you but so does missing out on the life they left behind . I have to give up to the guilt and fear of being here to actually enjoy it . As My good friend told me I am dead before I am alive .. What am I left to do , for there is a reason an important one .I have more than had my

9 lives and more chances! most, I have reveled in , some I got burned as we all too well have done in our lives . And some of course changed who I am . But I do know who I am and continue to learn who I am until I die as we all do .Many positive thoughts to you all and thanks for checking in!

2013-04-09T19:38:00.002-04:00

I am not going to run around life with an HIV label on my head . In fact I never wanted to be a "victim' to this disease at all . Spending day after day, week after week avoiding myself of thinking of this ,,HIV. I have controlled the meds, made a time when they fit into my schedule , Learned when I am really sick and when I need a Dr immediately, as apposed to "the side effects " illness. My body temperature can tell me so much . If my temp goes above 98 there could be a virus ,be cautious. My so called "normal temp" is usually 96.5 . When recently I had a cold it topped 101 for 3 days and I felt the virus drain from my sweat which since I drink so much water and green tea, and other herbal teas . Coffee too but it doesn't count LOL! point is to always be drinking fluids .. After that my body returned to its 96.5 and I was better . Side effects checklist is many , which can confuse you if you don't know your body.
Carefully read or meet with someone ( your Dr) the tiny print about your drugs , you must be diligent and educate yourself about YOU! There are no stupid questions in life, so always ask away , not only will you learn other peoples answers you will also help others by asking !

2013-04-09T19:38:00.000-04:00

Ostrow and Shelby (2000) describe psychotherapy with men like Toby who use drugs to enable them to lose inhibitions and engage in fantasy sex that they might otherwise have difficulty engaging in without guilt or remorse.

Nightmares of Meds .....

2012-08-15T14:50:00.001-04:00

Just have to say the medicaions forH.IV/ are not anything to take lightly ....I know how it was when I was 20 and didn't give n2 shits about anytthing and nothing about my life or qualliy of life . Everything was a party , that is until it finally hit close to home my first BFFF ( Best fag friend forever) I took care of him as his body got eaten away with Aids ..ravaged him like he fought a war and then there was nothing they could do but give you worse meds than they have now and of course high doses of pain meds , cause well everyday is a pain when you have this deal ..... As usual I digress here . I know when peole my age ( you'll just take my word for it

Importance of your state of mind

2012-07-19T12:12:00.001-04:00

I have recently told you the horrors I went through switching from one anti depressent to another . Time heals all wounds , maybe ,. But more importantly you have to be very careful messing with those types of medication . The commercials you see on TV are just a summary of the side affects you feel going off these medications . While I agree they have helped me along this journey and especially when having the HEPC treatments . I also believe they are very strong dangerous drugs and should not be abused, or taken with out the observation of a Phyciatrist .
Talking is the best way to actually deal with these issues with your Dr . If you don't feel comfortable talking to your Dr , I suggest you find one you are comfortable with . There should be nothing you feel wierd about talking about . May I suggest this be the first thing you do in your journey with HIV-HEPC , find a Dr you can talk to on a level you are comfortable ... My best to all of you ! BB

BASICS

2012-07-11T11:12:00.000-04:00

I certainly hope all of you are having a great ,healthy summer . Please always remember to keep water on you no matter what you have done.After much research and study's. I make sure my water is filtered, even bottled water has the potential to make you sick with ecoli and other crap ! I swear by BRITA , But there are many more out there . The sun is wondeful for us but it also can be a pain ...Use sunscreen ! Be well and be happy ! Life is good if you make it that way ! B.B ......P.S. Berries are a great sourse of nutrtion!

ALL RETAIL PERSONALS !

2012-07-11T11:01:00.000-04:00

I GIVE YOU KUDO'S FOR BEING ABLE TO SMILE AS YOU SCAN MY ITEMS AND BAG THEM UP , AND WISHING ME A GOOD DAY !!!!! JUST SAYIN....

Changing your situation

2012-07-09T11:31:00.000-04:00

You know we all hate change and most of the time change is not easy . I am making major changes now that I finally have my head back on semi -straight . The winter was not kind to me mentally which of course affected my physical self . I wanted to get myself off of some of the " mental health " drugs I was on . Not really expecting being thrown into a whirlwind of darkness and emotion it would cause . There were weeks I couldn't function . This happens alot when you adjust these meds . While my numbers were doing great I felt as though I was going into some kind of horrible sickness. Alas it was all in my head and due to the fact I was off these " Mental health " drugs . I won't mention the names of the drugs , but I will say most of us taking HIV medications are also on them as a precaution. I just suggest now you all beware of trying to take yourself off any medication and make sure you have medical back-up to help.ie a Dr . Good to be back and able to chat again ! Welcome back and talk soon .. Blessed be all!

I am still here LOL

2012-06-07T21:05:00.001-04:00

No funy stuff I am doing o and just wanted to let you all know I am regaining my steam ! At long last I am blessed and sending out love and light to Y'All xo

In a perfect world.

2011-11-05T11:04:00.000-04:00

We would all have jobs we love and pensions that support us when we are old . Dirty laundry would clean itself and annoying roomates would move out . Sounds like a wish list . I am aware I have alot to be greatful for but it still doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for my situation. The weather is getting cold , I hate the cold and why I live in New England is nobody's guess. I used to love the change of seasons .
Still playing with the idea of moving to San Diego with my very good friends . It would be a drastic change but hey change is good for the soul . I am really not into the changing od the doctors and health coverage , with so many people with HIV fighting to get health care and coverage I am not sure it would be in my best interest to make such changes . But the weather is certainly a great plus !

Dating and having sex .....again

2011-10-01T09:13:00.000-04:00

OOhh yes....... it's certainly time to move on and move forward with my true self. I have been so turned off about sex and having it, I convinced myself I was no longer date-able or attracted to anyone for that matter. I have been violated several times which is a turn off. I contracted HIV and Hep-c, another turn off . But with my new found second chance comes choices I need to make for myself. I certainly didn't think I would be celibate for this long or that I wouldn't want to date anymore. I had so much to think and deal with, first and foremost myself and my health. I have also been in therapy for the last 6 years which has assisted in my successful decision making skills. So then how do I put myself out there........it shouldn't be so hard . Take off my commitment rings and leave myself single. I have been on a few dates, chemistry is a bear sometimes . But most importantly I am NOT HIV. I have HIV. I have nothing to be ashamed about and nothing to regret.

Keep a check of your health - most importantly. Keep up your daily regimen of meds. Eat well and exercise regularly. All of these are important no matter what you are going through , take care of your body and it will do the same .

Just a case of medication rage....

2011-09-09T07:57:00.000-04:00

This may be the worst affect I have felt so far . Not really sure how to explain it on a forum like this . I think I am having a reaction to the Noravir as I suspected it is running my energy level to zip . I have switched times I take everything and it doesn't seem to matter. As I read in someones blog, I am soaking in Meds! This too will have to be addressed with my Dr. You figure if your numbers are good. It will be ok .But I have questioned her on this issue . I don't take anything besides Gabepentin which is a nerve painkiller . I am supposed to take up to 1300 mgs a day . But I take 900 . Another drug that zaps my energy , but it helps the neurological pain I have in my back and legs.

The condom conversation

2011-09-08T08:42:00.000-04:00

POZ - Newsfeed : Boys Who Masturbate Are More Likely to Use Condoms, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or take this seriously. It doesn't even make sense that because you masturbate you will wrap it up during sex . To be honest with you condoms are the only things not getting better in time . I think most men agree its sometimes a show stopper . While there are men who continue to not use them because there is no -feeling when you use a condom . Many younger people have written to me saying they swear they use them , And feel comfortable with that .

I have also got comments such as I am a top so I am not at risk . Tisk , Tisk . blood can be transfered from bottom to the top when there is a sore , or scrap. I think the best way to use condoms is to double wrap them , they fit better and you can feel everything much better. Cheers everyone

Storms

2011-08-26T12:46:00.001-04:00

We can only do our best and give people a chance. Be kind and respectful :)

The Bright Full Moon

2011-08-12T22:02:00.001-04:00

Another gift from the Universe........the huge shining moon. I wonder to myself, is it so bright because it will guide us or other wonders? Astrologers have said it effects our ocean, weather and surely the way people react within a span of a week before and following its wholeness. I wish to receive positive energy from all of it.
Rocky road for most of the summer. I am having a hard time still with my HIV meds. I am going to just let the meds do what they do and plan around the toxic affect they have me. I can smell them when I sweat, when I take them (at night again ), I smell them in my urine and wonder if I killed a few fishes along this journey.
But I am taking them the way I have to. I have to start dealing with the 'fat" issue. I feel so skinny everywhere but my bloated belly . Sit ups and a daily workout is just to be healthier, it is not actually working on my belly, might be time to suck it out. I hope you are all well and feel free to leave a question or comment. Blessed be

What The Hell is going on !

2011-07-25T06:35:00.000-04:00

Slow the F#$#$ down and take a minute to look around you ! People seem vicious and viral . Forget when they get a chance to sit behind their screens glaring and judging I know .. thats Gay life for you! We are all bitches and not in a supportive way .Here I am at 47 and nothing has changed with that . I am glad I have the friends and family I have so you can all take back your negativity and grow the hell up !
I suppose its my fault for writing in my profile that I am positive , I am not saying I am proud of it I just have come to grips with it . Meanwhile the people who are booing me are having sex without condoms and anyone can say hey are not positive and be positive because they haven't been tested at all . It really strikes me as stupid and arrogant on their part .
So why is it everyone is so damn judgmental ( in the gay community) we should all be helping each other in this struggle with HIV and other diseases . we want our rights like straight people , then let us act together and not against each other . I will no longer be going on Manhunt because of that reason . Imagine being blocked because your hiv positive. Sounds to me we are taking a step back .

Budget cuts for HIV programs !

2011-07-07T10:27:00.000-04:00

Join AIDS United TODAY in a National Call-in Day to Support HIV/AIDS Programs!	Take Action!


Background: Last week, Congressional negotiations to reduce the federal deficit hit a roadblock, putting at risk critical services upon which millions of Americans rely, including persons living with HIV/AIDS. The Ryan White Program, Medicaid, housing, prevention and other programs that make up the social safety net for vulnerable Americans with HIV/AIDS are on the line. Congressional leadership is negotiating an agreement to reduce the deficit and set new spending limits now. Action Needed: Please call Congressional Leadership and President Obama TODAY with this message: Prevent harmful cuts and caps to health care and low-income programs, including those that impact persons living with HIV/AIDS, such as the Ryan White Program, Medicaid, housing and prevention programs! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), 202-224-3542 House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), 202-225-0600 President Barack Obama, 888-245-0215 (Please note that it may take a few minutes to be connected to a live operator with whom you can leave a message. These calls MUST be placed before 5:00PM EST – the White House comment line closes for the day at that time.) Additional Talking Points: Balancing the budget on the backs of vulnerable Americans, including those living with HIV, is wrong, will potentially cost lives, and will cut jobs in the health care and human needs sectors. Early and reliable access to HIV care, treatment, and support helps people with HIV live healthy and productive lives and is cost effective. Investing in HIV prevention today translates into greater health and less spending in the future. In my state/district, such programs are greatly needed, because (insert local details or tell personal story).

Spring , Renewal ?

2011-06-03T11:13:00.000-04:00

Sorry its been so long . I have been constructing what I wanted to say since It has been an incredible time for me , both sad and glad . My two very good friends have passed 1 from his horrible HIV and the other by accidental suicide . I only say this as she tried so many other times , this time she just plain took her pain and left. I have become somewhat of a good mourner, I know exactly what I am supposed to do and feel . I suppose you reach an age where it is second nature , mine was 25 most people would say 40-45 .
I am starting a new study for the newer drug called Raltegravir in place of the white cocoon Norivir ! Yeah, I hated that pill it was always the one I could taste , feel , make me aware I am sick . Anyway this pill also helps stabilise your cholesterol which mine has gone through the roof ( no more daily ice cream). So I hope it helps me and countless others this happens too.

I am looking forward to the warm weather which was here a day ago before the twisters came and sucked it away ! Honestly twisters in New England "?Really?? yes they were bad too .

I hope your all well and enjoying the warm weather where ever you are . Sending you love and light , Blessed Be!!

Long time coming !

2011-04-25T06:52:00.000-04:00

So sorry I realized I haven't been on for a bit . Lots going on and I have been sick for over 2 weeks, since returning from my San Diego . I do plan on moving there I have so many friends and cannot beat the weather . I of course over indulged myself in partying . I don't really indulge when I am home but of course all my Blessed friends found a reason to " go to happy hour" oyeeeee I am sure I drank away some of my T-Cells . Seeing my Dr before I left was a very positive appointment , My t-cells went up but so did my cholesterol . Trying to work on that with a much better diet . less Ice Cream and stupidity!

I am not sure if it was the "Partying " or the woman who sat next to me on the plane sneezing all over me . But I got home very sick , I held out in bed , That is why I haven't posted in so long . Better days to come physically as I am also on an exercise regime now . I still am holding out for being able to be active for more than 4 hours a day . It is so important and it really does feel much better .

Today is a very sad day for me I lost anther friend Lauren , She was a big support for me in ways she never knew and of course it is to late to tell her that . She had a very hard time with this life and mental issues . To talk to her or look at her you could never realize the pain behind her smile . It is sad and I will miss her alot , but forever she will be in my heart.

Christie Brinkley - I've only had botox ONCE?!?!?

2011-04-23T16:14:00.000-04:00

Stigma ............

2011-03-28T17:44:00.001-04:00

I have just realized with the passing of the Fabulous Liz Taylor, how ignorant people still are about HIV/AIDS. Silly me for thinking it isn't so. Of course it is so different for me since I spent my twenty's taking care of my dying friends without the thought of transmission. One after another, some of them calling me 'Nurse Rachet' in an amusing sort of way...........watching my best friends leg being eaten alive by KS....... I am sure I could sit here and write how horrible it was and list all the aliments I took care of.

I have noticed while on a cruise site and labeling my status POS, you hear little whispers and frightened men, who meanwhile, are ready to screw anyone without a condom. Tops still think they can't get it, bottoms do not insist on using condoms. I don't understand gay men or why they would be so ignorant. So, dating right now is going to be pretty hard for me because I am honest about my status? We shall see. I don't know that I would bother.

I finally get to see my Dr on Tuesday. I haven't seen her in a while and I think I need to get some readjustment of my meds. I have no energy. Somedays I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. The head Dr is today and she will need to help me adjust my meds or something. I feel my bright light dimming and I refuse to give in at this point of the fight !

Blessed be all**