Core to Win

Gifts From The Heart

2012-02-13T15:23:00.000-08:00

You know, I used to wear black every Valentine's day because I had so many awful disappointments on this supposed day of love that I not only gave up on this celebration, I boycotted it. Thankfully, I now have some great memories associated with February 14, so I don't wear black anymore.

One great learning for me for this day of love is to share with the loves of my life the memories of love they have gifted me through the year. I have some photo collages that I frame of my little girl to commemorate her growth (and cuteness). Plus, my husband and I still have many images up from our wedding - what a day full of love and laughter that was!!!

If you're dreading the hooplah that's pushed a little too hard by our culture tomorrow, remember this day might be best enjoyed focusing on what YOU want to when it comes to love and who means the most to you!

To Speak or Shut Up

2012-01-26T13:37:00.000-08:00

In this information age and the validation of experiences through writing and sharing through online forums such as Yelp, Facebook, or Blogger, are there times when it's better to just shut up and not share your thoughts?

Well, I think I may have found an instance to shut up. Recently I went to a few yoga classes where a friend/colleague of mine works. The classes were not as I would wish; I'm very clear on the elements I enjoy when being in a class. So I thought I would exercise my online voice and let my experience be known. Well, I had already shared my experience with my friend earlier in the week, so I knew my sharing would not be a surprise. In cases like this, which is a mediocre review, I don't like to surprise anyone.

My dislikes that earned an average review were:

climate control (68-70 degrees) - someone might LOVE this
class led by instructor and no adjustments given (not my preference) - again, someone might LOVE this
too many people in the classroom (not my preference)

My friend emailed me incensed by my lack of support and wanted to know why I would do such a thing. I think his beef was do such a thing "publicly." I'm torn. I value my friendship more than the review, so I've offered to remove the review to save the friendship - though I do wonder if the damage is already and cannot be undone.

What I weighed in this contemplation was the value of the relationship with my colleague versus my want to share my experience. My real life relationships are more important than expressing myself to an anonymous audience. What would you do?

Copywright 2012 Heather Corwin

Anxiety Dreams

2012-01-19T11:57:00.000-08:00

Want to know when I know I'm doing too much? I start to problem solve in my dreams OR I have anxiety dreams. My favorite one lately had to do with my child's daycare provider. I dreamed they called me to ask if I wanted my child to continue in the program. The tell-tale sign that the communication was not real was the fact that they told me if I didn't let someone know by next week that my child would simply not be allowed to attend anymore. They just don't operate like that.

But today, just in case, I asked if someone had called me to ask about my daughter's enrollment. Knowing I was probably imagining things did not stop me from making sure my daughter was going to stay at this great daycare. My feeling was right, it was a dream.

So I started to think about what might cause a dream like this... The answer rolled around in me: Anxiety born from the idea that I'm not enough. Now it's not often I grapple with this personal theme in this way. What struck me about this dream is that this theme seems to be trickling onto what I perceive as a great opportunity for my daughter. Even if my personal theme is NOT trickling on to my daughter, I want to make sure it doesn't.

So what am I going to do about it? Go back to my amazing therapist and work on myself. When I'm a healthier person, all who come into contact with me can enjoy me more. Conversely, I can enjoy them more too! I know I'm at the end of a long road with my Ph.D. coursework ( it's almost complete!); the road has taken a toll on me. I'm tired, you see, from doing too much. When I'm tired, I look to the resources around me for support. Therapy, here I come!!!

Days My Heart Hurts

2012-01-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up knowing I was going to be able to have a little time to myself to read and watch THE HELP. I'm a SAG member and I was delighted to receive a screener for it. Watching THE HELP, I started to think about my life and the mean people who have tried to scar me in my life. People who have bullied me or tried to take advantage of me. Somehow in defining moments, I had the courage and strength to stand up for myself.

One such occasion was in 8th grade. A girl named Jinx in one of my classes who had been held back, had a reputation for fighting and winning, and who was reputed to have a criminal record took to calling me "Duchess." She called me Duchess because I wore a pair of my mother's heeled clogs to school. I LOVED those clogs. They were my favorite shoes to try on when my feet were at least 4 sizes too small to fit the shoes. When I wore those shoes, I knew I had become a woman. And this bully was making fun of me for wearing them.

Red-faced, ashamed, and scared to death that she even noticed me, I let her call me Duchess that day and I didn't say anything, hoping her name-calling would blow over and go away. That was not to be. The next week, she thought it would be funny to start in on me again. With every ounce of courage I owned, I asked her to please not call me that. The girl stood up, all 200 or so mean pounds of her, looked me up and down, and said... "okay." Blotchy-faced and sweating, I said "thank you." She laughed at me and sat down. She never bothered me again.

When I think of all the people who don't have the courage to stand up for themselves or who can't, it makes my heart hurt. If it's the last thing I do, I want my daughter to know she deserves to be treated well and should not tolerate anyone to treat her otherwise.

I am scared to the core of my soul. For the first time in my life, I understand what might compel me to become violent toward another human being...if someone hurt my little girl maliciously and knowingly. I pray that day never comes. If it does, I hope to God I can have compassion and give my little girl all the love I have in my heart. Thank God I have a loving husband who stands with me in this world to raise our little love. You see, I prefer my heart to sing, not to hurt.

Intimacy...is great!

2012-01-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

There are times when the world is too much and I need a little rejuvenation before tackling the hassles that challenge me. The simplest and quickest way for me to feel solid again is some affection from my husband. I'm not talking about sexual touch, I'm talking about sensual touch.

When I wasn't married, I knew sensual touch - which is touch directly to my skin with a loving kindness intention - was something I craved. I lived in the middle of Ohio, had no boyfriend, and very few people touched me (literally) when I lived there. To remedy that problem, and it was a problem for me, I sought out regular massage therapy. That choice was a successful do-fer (as in "it will do fer now").

Everyone has their own resources that help salve the wounds of the world and we all are wired to crave touch. Touch releases hormones in our bodies that keeps us happy. In the awful event that touch has been used as weapon against us, healing can begin with professionals in a safe setting who support our need for touch. Plus, touch is non-verbal and can help get underneath all the brain chatter to help soothe our souls.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who I can go to anytime I want for an embrace to soothe my soul. I have the added joy of having a massage therapist and Rolfer who both work with me to keep my body rejuvenated as I bombard it with the stressors of my life. If you crave touch, you might consider the loving and trained hands of a massage therapist or Rolfer. I know I'm gratful every time I visit!

When Friendships Fade

2012-01-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

I have a friendship that I really enjoyed with a woman who I met in one of my many education endeavors. I had just moved to a new state, just graduated from my MFA in actor training, and was looking for some great friendships. Enter my friend, we'll call her "Jane".

Jane and I had many similar interests. She is a few years younger than me, which seemed to encourage our relationship as a little bit of a mentor relationship. Perhaps that was just my point of view. Maybe that was why the relationship faded sadly into nothing. Jane and I both lost a parent and that bonded us. Well, that may have been another reason our relationship faded, for her the reminder of loosing her parent may have been too much.

Friendships come and go. Some friendships last and some fade. When you are not the person who ends the friendship, it can really hurt. Well, even when you do end the friendship it can hurt. What I'm trying to say is that letting this friendship go was hard on my heart. Jane never said she didn't want to talk to me or end our friendship, she just stopped talking to me. It's been almost 3 years since last we spoke.

Actions speak louder than words. Since Jane has made it clear she doesn't want a friendship, I have to honor that in my own way. I don't have to like it, and I don't. If Jane every comes around to wanting to be my friend again, the road will be an interesting one to negotiate because trust has been broken. The trust I refer to is the knowing that the person who calls herself my friend will be there for me when I need her; Jane abandoned me without warning or reason. I don't hold a grudge, I'm sad about the way in which our friendship died. So today I let it go fully and wish her a great life. If she won't give me closure, I'll take it.

Time is Money

2012-01-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

Paying for a session of time that you reserved is absolutely understandable when you attend the appointment and enjoy the service, but what about when you forget? Or your car breaks down? Or you are 20 minutes late? Or (insert your excuse here)?

If you've ever known someone who works for themselves, owns her own business, you know that if the person doesn't work, the person doesn't get paid. So, if a person doesn't show up who booked an appointment, the business person suffers as a result. That's why many owner/operators have a policy that requires 24 hours notice for cancellation or rescheduling.

As an owner/operator, I have a heart and have a few exceptions to my rule. However, the time that is reserved for the client is precious. That time does not go to another, it is set aside especially for the client at the client's request. You know, sometimes mistakes happen and people forget. AND that translates to the owner/operator taking a financial hit that was unexpected and could have been avoided if the client had cancelled with enough time for the owner to fill the slot with another client.

I never enjoy enforcing my own rule when people forget or have a car break down or whatever. When I am the person who misses an appointment, I don't like paying for a service I didn't receive. However, the policies are clear and laid out from the beginning so I know what I'm getting into and so do my clients. I can say I'm slightly more fierce about my policy these days because I have more responsibility. So...do what you can to be on time and present for your appointments. And when you cannot make your appointment on time or you forget, please gracefully fulfill your agreement which is: when you reserve someone's time, you pay him or her for the privilege of doing so.

Dates are Wonderful

2012-01-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

Last night my husband and I went on a date to the Melting Pot in Pasadena. We haven't been able to have many dates since the arrival of our daughter for the simple fact that she wakes up at 6am and so do I (during the week, my husband gets up on the weekends). That translates to an early bedtime for me because I like sleeping and being rested. Sadly, that also means that going out at night means I turn into a pumpkin at 9pm or so.

However, last night, caution was thrown to the wind! As a thoughtful and terrific Christmas present, Doug's sister not only gave us the funds to have a night on the town, the offer came with babysitting!!! So after a fun afternoon of playing a board game together with my sister-in-law and her honey, my husband and I fed the little one, loved her up, and tucked her in for a restful evening. Then ... we hit the town!

We had reservations in "lovers lane." This meant we had a cozy booth where other patrons did not have a view of us, nor did we have a view of others. The privacy was dreamy. We enjoyed the classic fondue menu and relished the time to reconnect. My husband is a great guy who is fun to be around. That's why I married him!

This semester (I'm a Ph.D. student as well as a professor), my husband and I have dedicated one night a week to date night. We're planning on having a babysitter (who primarily watches TV and calls if anything suspicious happens) one night a week so we can have a date. I'm thinking we'll sometimes go out to eat, but more likely is us going to a great bookstore or walking around old town Pasadena. Dates don't have to be an expensive dinner to be terrific. Just having the time to laugh with and enjoy my man does the trick for me!

Magical Powers

2012-01-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

I am fascinated by the idea of magic. I love the thought that I could conjure energy to open doors without moving or fly to transport myself without a plane. But is there magic in the world? I really think there is.

When I work with people through Rolfing or Somatic Psychology coaching, I partner with them to change both structurally in their body and mindfully. I witness a spine lengthen, breath increase, and balance prevail. The body mirrors the mind and vice versa. So...that transformation is magical to me.

Another form of magic is the ability to help another perceive the gifts they bring to the world. As an educator in my wellness practice and at the colleges where I teach, I witness students discover elements about themselves they may not have been aware of; these elements give these students courage to follow their dreams. That's powerful and magical.

Remember that tingling feeling of your skin when something is just perfect in your life? Or the buzzing in your belly when you know something is just RIGHT? That's your own personal magic cheering you on! Do you believe in magic?

Not Just a New Year's Resolution

2012-01-06T09:30:00.000-08:00

It's the time of year when many people are baffled that the holidays are over and that there are no more parties with great food and drink to attend. Some feel relief at knowing there are no more surprise gifts needed (for those who do gifts). Some are thrilled that the travel and niggling discomfort at sleeping in another's bed, no matter how lovely, is OVER. Many will be pondering if the resolutions thought about will ever come to pass.

Well, I stayed home with my family this holiday season and we had no visitors from afar. Sickness plagued our house, so that validated the decision. During the care-taking of others, I had plenty of time to think about what I would like to experience in the new year. I'm not necessarily a "resolution" girl, I just like to take the time to review what's happened, what I'd like to happen, and how to make things happen in my life.

Here's what I came up with:
1. More time with friends
2. Dating my husband
3. Me time
4. Family time

Memories inspire me and make me happy - and making them is a joy! Thankfully, I have great people in my life to make memories with. Now I just have to see them to do so!

What are the happenings you'd like to create this year?

Fruit of your Labor

2012-01-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

Today as I was picking the oranges and tangelos and Meyer lemons from my back yard to share with my clients and friends, I started to think about all the fruit that might not get picked off the trees just because I don't have time. What happens to fruit that stays on the tree?

Well, I'm no arborist. However, I have some ideas what I think happens to the fruit that doesn't get harvested. The fruit either falls off and rots on the ground waiting for me to dispose of them, a squirrel feels lucky to have a great meal, or it dries up and stays on the tree far longer than it should. I started to think how that might apply to my life. What happens to the unrealized opportunities in my life? Do they get taken by others? Dry up and rot? Or do the fruits get composted to turn into another version of opportunity for me?

The interesting aspect to this pondering for me is the fact that the lens I choose to use determines how I am affected. For example, if I go with the idea that the fruit I eat is the perfect fruit for me and the others all go to good and appropriate ends makes me feel like all is right in the world. This idea feels right to me. I also like the idea that the fruit all returns to the earth in some way thereby feeding the earth and it's inhabitants in the circle of life. Maybe a little airy fairy thinking, but I like that idea too.

What I'm NOT going to focus on is the stuff I can't control: the idea that the fruit left on the tree is all missed opportunities. That's just plain foolish. I'm lucky to have these fruits in my backyard at the ready for juicing and enjoying. That's just what I'm going to do with them - enjoy the fruits! I think I started off the New Year in this celebration: mimosas with fresh orange juice that I squeezed myself. Sigh. Life is good. Let the fruits of your life be plentiful and overflowing!

Restlessness

2012-01-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

There are days where no matter what I do, I just can't seem to be comfortable in my skin. Some of these days are inspired by lack of sleep, hormones, or simply needing to take care of others. Other times I wonder what the restlessness is about.

I am a firm believer in pursuing the career that makes you happy - and I'm doing that. I am an educator, wellness facilitator, wife to a wonderful husband, mom to a sweet pea, and Ph.D. student. All of these things make me happy. Plus, I've already acknowledged that too much of a good thing can make me unhappy too. So what's missing or needed that I'm NOT doing?

Motion. All my life I've loved to move and stretch and dance. The past two years have been so full that I've either not been able to or not had the energy to move in an enthusiastic stretch. In truth, I just wanted to nap if I had the time! But as the restlessness creeps into my skin, I recognize my need to move.

So, with a joyful heart, I'm off to MOVE! Let the restlessness dance right out of my soul!

My Thoughts for the Year

2012-01-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been the hardest year of my life and I can safely say I'm glad it's over. I did too much and was not able to find the simple joys as often as I like. Teaching too much, finding my footing as a new mom, taking the gargantuan and terrifying statistics classes in my Ph.D. classes (that I thankfully passed - a C is failing), and running my private wellness studio all added up to very little time to rejuvenate and enjoy life. I'm NOT going to do that to myself again EVER.

How am I avoiding over-committing this year? I've backed off of one teaching engagement so I'll only be teaching at PCC this coming semester, 2 classes. I'll be taking more normal courses for my Ph.D. that should be challenging in a way I enjoy. I am going to re-dedicate myself to my yoga practice and GO TO a class weekly to remind my body of the joys of motion. I'll be seeing more clients in my BodybyHeather practice in my new studio because I'll have more time (without loosing my personal time). And my husband and I are making a date night at least once a week.

I have much to look forward to this year. Most of what I'm looking forward to is exercising my ability to choose how my life happens. Thankfully, I'm really clear on the things that make me happy and how I can incorporate them back into my life. Now, I just need to do it.

No better time than the present! I'm off to read a book. Happy New Year!

'I Am Ready to Be a Parent' List

2011-12-26T17:58:00.000-08:00

If 7 of 10 of these are true, you may be ready to be a parent.

1. I don't really feel like I need time to myself.
2. "Sleep? Who needs sleep?" or "I can sleep when I'm dead" are thoughts I think often.
3. I don't have to prove myself to anyone.
4. I am in a loving supportive relationship and/or feel I have the resources to successfully raise a child.
5. I don't get angry or freaked out often.
6. I believe I can model good behavior for a child (all the time, not just in public).
7. I have the humility to recognize when I need help and I ask for it BEFORE situations become hazardous or out of control.
8. I'm okay with situations when I don't have the answers.
9. I like being sick and taking care of others.
10. The needs of others can be more important than my own needs most of the time (especially when infants or toddlers are in my care).

2011-11-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

Being a mom is F-ing hard. Jeez, I can't even swear about it these days. For Pete's sake!

I'm just now starting to comprehend the awe that I should have for my mother raising 3 children, the second birth being twins (of which I'm one)! Egads. In the past few weeks (which seem like a millennium) I have helped my daughter weather 2 vicious fevers (one is still one the outs), another tooth eruption, an allergic reaction to amoxicillin, and many sleepless nights for both of us.

Being alive with offspring means that my time is not mine anymore. My time is hers first if she's ill because she needs me to take care of her. Never did I really understand what that would mean in real life. I used to fantasize about the type of mom I would want to be when that day came. Well, that day's here and the type of mom I'm striving to be is kicking my butt. Parenting is freaking hard - if you do it with your heart and soul.

I guess what I'm saying is if you're already a parent, bless you. If you're thinking about becoming one, think long and hard - it's not all a bed of roses. It's going to try your partnership, take away the spare time you ever thought you had, and many of the things you'd want to do socially just have to wait until your child's age allows it, or you can get enough sleep to have the energy to go out!

It may not be Mother's Day or Father's Day anytime soon, but I'm inspired to say thank you to the people who raised me. It's a tough job!!!

Colds Stink

2011-10-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

The tickle at the back of your throat... the itchy and watery eyes... the runny nose... feeling worn down... usually these symptoms all add up to a cold. So what do you to weather the feeling bad, but not so bad that you stop your life and take a day off? What if you have an audition?

Many swear by teas, echinacea, vitamin C, orange juice, plenty of liquids and chicken noodle soup. Emergen-C is handy in my bag of wellness. If you're able to get some doting on my your mom, all the more power to you! Do you also use petroleum jelly on your nose to stop the red dry and achy feeling the skin around the nose gets from the constant wiping, dripping and blowing? If you don't use that, what do you use?

And when I have to audition, I don't stop and give excuses. If they can tell I'm sick, good for them. If they can't and they just think I have a bit of a nasal quality, good for me. Either way, I've done what I wanted to do which is to show up, do my best, and give myself another opportunity to work.

After all, when should a sneeze stop me from getting cast?

The Holidays...Already?

2011-10-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

That was my first thought when I went to Home Depot the other day upon viewing rows of Christmas trees and decorations...in October. Really? Am I just getting more weary because I'm older or is consumerism, in fact, becoming more pronounced? Maybe both? Either way, I started to think about how I want to spend the holidays this year. Last year I was healing from having my little girl at home; I'll spare you the details. This year, I am well and can celebrate the holidays with cheer. But where should we celebrate as a family?

My first reaction was with my husband's family because they're within driving distance. That was our plan. But then my husband and I started to think about the travel hassles, how our little girl doesn't love to be still for long (let alone a five hour drive), and how we have weathered a hell of a year. Our revised plan is to stay home and rest.

While I don't think this plan went over well with our family, it sure does make my heart feel cozy. Holidays are for creating family traditions and celebrating the gifts we have enjoyed during the year. My husband and I are new parents with a spectacular little girl! What's not to celebrate? We made it through the sleep deprivation and are now on our way to laughing often and looking at every day as a fun adventure rather than something to slog through. Plus, I'm almost done with my Ph.D. coursework, something I never thought would actually come to pass. I have one more semester and then it's just writing the dissertation. Phew! Then all I have to do is land a professorship! :-D

No matter how you choose to celebrate your holidays this year, follow your heart. Life has challenges - so make your heart happy the best you know how. And if you happen to cringe when you see the rows of Christmas decorations at any given store, know that you're not alone. Find your reason for the season!

Copywright 2011 Heather Corwin

Take Time to Connect

2011-10-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

As artistic people, we need to take time- especially in an urban environment- to connect to other people in a meaningful and supportive way. One simple way that we often overlook is resting WITH someone else. The truth is, as animals we sleep more soundly knowing that someone is looking over or out for us. So why not rest in a pack every now and then?

By resting with others, we give our over-stimulated nervous systems a chance to regulate and synch with others at a time when we're all calm. When's the last time you felt truly calm with another? What a cozy feeling! If you're able to, choose a place that makes you all or both feel safe and good like the people in the image above lying on the deck by the water with a fuzzy friend keeping watch. You might choose in front of a warming fire or on an inviting couch.

Even taking 10 minutes a day to rest with someone else can make a calming difference in your life. Give it a try. Isn't it a lovely thought to know that you can bring more joy into your life?

Do Hormones Really Do Anything?

2011-09-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

In a word: Yes. First, the average male has 9 hormones where as the average female has 126. No wonder women suffer from migraines more than men! But that's not all. What I'm learning first hand is mood swings and intense feelings after giving birth. These fluctuating hormones make me feel like I have some sort of madness at times.

The intensity of feelings harkens back to the beginning of the time when my period started. There's a great reason most teenage girls are portrayed as moody and bitchy. During my time, I would feel on edge and vulnerable and not understand why.

Well, now I know why and I'm annoyed that most of the time I'm doing damage control in my own mind. For example, if the dishes are in the sink and dirty left by anyone else, I'm furious. Seriously angry. This anger is followed by a bafflement that anyone would be so selfish as to do something they know would annoy me. Yeah. Not fun to be in my head as this whirlwind of emotions swirl.

The healthy part of this present process is my ability to step back, take a breath, and realize that this too shall pass. Sigh. As I begin the process of slowing down and stopping breast feeding, I'm hoping my body doesn't offer me an all out riot of screaming hormones... it will. So until the storm passes, I thank all of you who have to sit it out with me.

Too Much On Your Plate?

2011-08-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch today with a friend when I realized my life is so full it's over-flowing. Most of the time I'm really proud that I'm managing to do all the things I am: Ph.D. student, new mom, new wife, private wellness practice (that's successful), teaching at 2 universities... and those are the main highlights. But when is enough enough?

Doing this much means that I have created self-imposed anxiety. That translates to lower tolerance for adapting to situations. For example, going to out to eat with a friend and bringing my daughter is not so easy. I have to factor in when she's going to eat, when she's going to get her nap, what she's acting like today, hope that I'm hungry but not starving by the time we eat, and hope she likes where we are. Then I get to worry about if we're irritating the other patrons if she behaves like a baby and cries at all. Sigh. Going out makes me anxious instead of happy.

Even if I wasn't doing all the things I'm doing, I do wonder if going out with my little girl would cause me as much anxiety. I'm an introvert, after all. But I know stress is taking its toll on my jolly attitude. I'm not saying you have to be a parent to understand pressure, I'm wondering if it's just the one more thing that's gotten me close to my tolerance point. Sigh. I'm trying to get to the "I don't care, it's just life" attitude...but I do care. When I do something, I like to enjoy it. Makes sense, right?

Man. Life can give challenges! So I plan on being strategic and practice adaptability. Plus, I need to get better at asking for help when I need it. Phew. If this resonates with you, please know you're not alone!

Find Your Edge

2011-08-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

Practicing. It's something you have to do to perfect anything. Walking (at first), running, speaking, communicating, - everything. So why are we so hard on ourselves when we don't get it right? Why do we continually compare our progress with others instead of our own journey? Oh, those loud judges in our minds keep us on our toes, don't they?

Today, for the first time since having my little girl, I was able to do some stretching that didn't hurt. I was able to breathe, work out some kinks, and make my little girl giggle as I contorted into much needed stretches. And I started thinking about how I could be mad at myself for not being in great shape after having a baby. But then I remembered the great point my client made yesterday, "You listened to your body when you were pregnant. You were gestating - and you're not 20. You were doing your job."

I didn't come to that conclusion on my own. However, what I take away from that is the truth that by listening to my body, I can decide to grow whatever it needs. Now I can grow my flexibility and ease after a hiatus of growing a life. That not only feels great framed that way, it is true.

Sometimes we move away from things that make us feel good for a reason. We can either move toward something else that makes us feel good or we can beat ourselves up about it. Eh. I vote for move toward the good feeling stuff!!! Life is too short. It's all about PRACTICE anyway, not perfection!

Solitude

2011-08-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's just great to get away and breathe. Living in an urban center makes that possibility remote and difficult - because there are usually people trying to be alone at the same time you are in the same places. So what do you do to get to the quiet places filled with solitude?

In truth, I try to skip the country once every few years and make sure to hit a countryside. When I'm really lucky, I'm able to go to Northern California with my husband - Trinidad. It's quiet and reminds me of the coast of Scotland with it's jagged rocky shore and cool mists that ease the soul. Plus, we have a special place there where he proposed to me - Fern Canyon. It's amazing with the walls of ferns and herds of elk that stroll through the beachfront. Just lovely.

If I can't get to any of these places, I find refuge in a book. Okay, I admit I'm a huge romance novel fan because, frankly, I enjoy the formula. I like having a certain expectation of happiness in some of my reading. The academic books will always be there, but that reading is not my refuge.

Some of my favorite writers: Nora Roberts, Paulo Coehlo, Jude Devereaux, Jodi Picoult, Shakespeare, Clifford Odets, and Dan Siegel.

Who do you curl up to? Man, I love that we are all blessed with imagination! How do you use yours the most? Happy resting!!!

Planting a Garden When It's HOT

2011-08-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not a native Californian like my husband and daughter, I'm from the hard-working city of Chicago. Life is very different here. Here I can plant and play with plants all year round! Now, Chicago is in the great planes and has wonderful soil for farming, but only in seasons when you don't freeze your eyeballs off. In California, this introvert can enjoy warm breezes all year round.

So I started thinking about why I like to tend to my garden. When I was little, my mother loved roses - but wasn't very good at keeping them. She also loved to plant herbs. I didn't always love helping her, but now I can't stay out of my garden! This love had to come from somewhere. Spending quality time alone thinking while my hands are busy making beauty is important to me. I think that's another reason I love the healing arts (Rolfing and maternity massage).

I think of walking, gardening, playing cards, and intimate moments with my husband are the activities that help my mind stop reeling and get me back into the moment. The latter is my favorite by far. However, he's not always available. Slow your world down and enjoy your garden. Today is a great day to practice - strike now while it's HOT!

Just Say Sorry

2011-07-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I screw up. I know! Hard to believe, huh? You would think the hardest thing to do when that happens is accept the embarrassment or regret or whatever bad feeling erupts and move on. Oh, no, I say it's apologizing if I did another person wrong.

Like most people, I don't like to make another person feel bad. I know (usually) when I do make someone else feel bad, as an offended or taken aback face is not difficult to spot. What can be challenging is the simple act of saying. "Wow. I really screwed up. I'm sorry I did that. I'm even more sorry I made you feel bad."

I did not used to excel at apologizing. Over time, I've practiced and gotten really good at it. I'm also good at not taking the blame when it's not mine to take. Sometimes the blame game hinges on point of view, but that may be a topic for another reflection.

All in all, I can say without a doubt that apologizing -- when I feel bad and another person feels bad -- makes me feel better immediately. Plus, we both feel relief that the conflict is over. When I apolized to a friend today, she told me I'm good at saying I'm sorry. That felt good to hear. Why? Who wants to be sorry when there's so much joy to be had in the world!

Guilt...

2011-07-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

Well, it can consume us. And not always for reasons that seem reasonable. For example, sometimes we feel guilty (or are made to feel guilty) if we do not anticipate the needs of another. In truth, the other person is responsible for getting her own needs met, which means she needs to speak her needs to have those needs be acknowledged and, ideally, met. Nobody can read minds.

So why does guilt come into the picture? Sometimes I honestly believe of myself that I should be able to read minds. As if that were possible! That's what's known as "magical thinking." Circumstances are always going to be evolving and changing in life which also means all situations will be different, even if those situations have similar events involved. Why is that important? Because every moment is a new moment and can have new outcomes.

I don't have to beat myself up for not being omniscient. Puh-lease! What I do have to do is be gentle with myself and do the best I can in any situation. I tend to dwell on things that I can't change and feel guilty about some of those things. An example is I want a vacation to Italy, which also makes me feel guilty for wanting to take a break from my great life. I'm not even going to do this vacation - but the very act of thinking about it makes me feel guilty. Stupid, huh?

Well, guilt be GONE! I'm going to enjoy my imagination, my wants, my desires, and know that I won't get all of them. I will also work on being gentle with myself when it comes to magical thinking. This trap is a tough one for me and one that I continually work on. Most of all, I will use my sense of humor as often as possible to not make moments monumentally important that don't need to be. Sigh. One day at a time!!!