Core to Win

When People Suck - Anger and Action

2019-06-20T11:36:00.000-05:00

When looking around on the web for what to do with anger, I found many glib articles that suggest cleaning your house or directing that energy to social change. While this may be a useful way to discharge the feelings, distracting yourself does not actually address the how the feelings came to be or what to do when you're in a situation wherein you are constantly angered by your peers or boss. Let me also say that distraction is a healthy and psychologically supported way to minimize the feelings. My house looks immaculate when I'm angry because cleaning is a way I expel pent up anger.

So how do we react to people who constantly put us in positions that inspire anger? For me, I was clear with my boundaries of time and workload. My peers and boss culturally did not adhere to these boundaries and mayhem followed. No discussions with human resources or with the peers/boss did anything to rectify this situation. Fundamentally we have different beliefs on how to operate in the world. What I had to piece apart was the fact that the culture I was in went against what I feel to be true regarding elements of self-care, safety, and ethical practices. So you know I'm not grandstanding, the field I am speaking of has been identified as rife with abuse, trauma, and cult of personality: show business. What's profound to me is that it took my education through my Ph.D. in clinical psychology to be able to identify and reject the norms of this field. My colleagues were not so inclined.

I learned that no amount of house cleaning or time at the gym was going to help me manage this situation. I had to quit or remove myself from the environment to move to another situation. This choice is not foreign to many. After discussions with bosses, peers, human resources, and other ethical offices at the toxic position, I knew that fighting this culture was beyond me and not worth my time and energy. If you have not yet exhausted your resources at this position to ideally inspire change that works for you, hope exists that this job could work for you. Before I threw in the towel to move on, I turned to research on stress and how that impacts people, ethical practices in our profession and the lack thereof, and other friends who held similar positions throughout the U.S. to compare notes. This was not my first rodeo, it was my first thoroughly unpleasant and angering experience. My relationships from all sectors in and outside of that job taught me that all places and jobs are not for all people.

When you can't change people's minds, walk away. You don't belong there. Find the people who celebrate you and admire or appreciate your contributions to the team. I now work with people throughout the world who are excited about my work as a researcher and as a person who facilitates change. Know your skill set and find your career home. It's possible and so worth the effort!

Dr. Heather Corwin, Copyright 2019

Unplugging Increases Happiness

2019-02-24T08:31:00.001-06:00

I'm so tired of witnessing the pointless arguing on Facebook about why someone's ideas or morals are better than another's. Or conspiracy theories about why the world is the way it is. To the best of my ability of late, I've stayed away from posting political posts. I've also stayed away from much of Facebook because engaging that way with people doesn't make me happy. There are many studies out at present that support the idea that if you stay off social media, you may not be as up on current events, but you will be happier. I vote for a happier existence.

What can you do? On your phone, remove social media platforms and messaging. Try it for a week and note how you feel in doing so. You might have a little anxiety about not being in as good of touch with people, but you might also feel relief at not having your core beliefs questioned- or reading statements from people you love who disappoint you in their point of views and unflinching judgements. In truth, you might be complicit in judging as well (as I know I have been). Why spend the brain power on interactions you can't change? Research has demonstrated that changing someone's mind via social media is as likely as a comet hitting you on your commute to work this morning.

If you're feeling anxious and possible dread the state of the world, I encourage you to examine how you're receiving information. Find ways to engage in the world that support your wellness. Try unplugging. See what that experiment does for your well-being. Let us know what you think!!

A New Layer Revealed, Personal Integrity Journey 2019

2018-12-31T10:58:00.000-06:00

New Year’s always brings out the philosophers and the ideas for what life has been, and what life can be. I’ve always found resolutions to be interesting. Finding ways and times to assess life is important. Discovering what’s working in life and what’s not is the best way to make choices of how to move forward.

How do we stick to the effort to follow through on a resolution? When I decide to make a change, I call upon my past experiences and all the times I put forth that effort and it paid off tenfold. You see, by linking past experiences to present and future, you may be more able to stick to your evolutionairy plan. The other tactic I use to raise my courage is to take a moment to listen to my bodies’ reaction to my idea. If I feel a sensation of stirring in my gut or a tickle to the back of my neck along with a little anticipation, I know the effort is worth my time. The result is likely to be more happiness because this outcome has been true in the past. Not everyone is this clear or fortunate enough to have a string of positive experiences. To me, finding your first clear successful resolution may be the reason to try. If the alternative is unhappiness or suffering, making a different choice seems to be worth the risk.

I recently left a career defining job because the fit was not for me, and I’m so grateful that I removed myself from that situation. The knowing began in my body as tension, which I tried to ignore. By the end of my time in this job, I had physical symptoms of stress like eczema (newly acquired), brain fog, and inflammation. My body was my clear teacher in what choices, wrong choices, could do to me. However, quitting was not as simple as I wanted it to be, which is an example of having responsibilities. Life got in the way. I am fortunate that I have many skills that can earn me a living, and the change in my career has been wonderful! On the home front, my wellness and personal integrity journey includes making my own meals because my prescribed diet is limited. What a triumph to become a wizard in the kitchen! My body and mind are recovering and healing through my newfound wizardry and attention.

This New Years, I encourage you to try this experiment. First, find a quite place where you can be alone for a couple of minutes. Then, close your eyes and think of your life as it is. Place your hand on your stomach or forehead or both. Breathe. Ask yourself if this is the best version of your life you can imagine. Breathe. What elements do you love about your life? Breathe. What elements do you wish were in your life? See what comes to you. Try not to force any ideas, let the ideas float into you. Discover if your body might have some ideas to offer that your mind may not have been fully aware of… until now.

May you have a wonderful, courageous, and an evolutionairy New Year!

Simplify

2018-11-30T10:48:00.000-06:00

You've heard of a gratitude journal, now I introduce you to the idea of a simplify journal. At different times in our lives, we need things. At others, we don't. So, ridding our spaces of things we don't need anymore is a useful annual project. Many people choose the holidays to do this because others are more acutely aware of needs during this time. So what do you do?

Write your own personal mission statement that reflects how you want to live your life, what you want to do in it (including career and leisure), and the type of people with whom you want to surround yourself. Try to be as concise as possible (3 sentence or less).
Using your personal mission statement, now look around in your space and your closet and see what does and doesn't fit into your life with this as your lens. This doesn't mean you have to end friendships, thought it might. This does mean you can begin to work with your support systems in ways that actively engage with your life mission.
De-clutter. Get rid of anything in your closet that you haven't worn for a year. Anything. If you haven't worn it, you won't next year. If you've changed sizes, you might box a few things up, but know that by the time you get back to that size (if you do), you may not want to wear that again anyway. That ugly nick-nack that's taking up space has got to go. Make space for expansion.
For the next week, record how you spend your time and your actions. This will help you understand if your every day life aligns with your mission. Creating awareness around your way of being will help you make thoughtful choices for your life.

Let me know what you figure out! Life is too short to not make it your best life.

Change Inspires Growth

2018-11-27T07:24:00.002-06:00

As the holidays approach and a snow day extended our Thanksgiving break a day for our family, I'm reminded that every choice we make has many impacts. What is often overlooked is the fact that change doesn't always come in the form of choice. However, what you do with or how your react to those things that happen help define your happiness. Specifically, I'm referring to your life satisfaction.

I'll use the snow day as an example. Now, our family had been together all day since Wednesday. We didn't have much drama at home, we had play dates and hosted Thanksgiving. When the snow came, we all were thankful for one more day together to play games (charades, Scrabble, Life, Duel, Lords of Waterdeep, etc.). We could have been sick of each other and the change could have been frustrating, I'm sure it was for some families who were looking forward to getting back on routine. We rolled with the change. This doesn't always happen.

As some challenges in the form of change occur in your life, I encourage you to take the time to breathe, find a useful lesson that helps you see the change as one that helps you become a better person, and move forward. When we dwell on things over which we have no control, we give away energy that could be used to make us happy. I'm not saying this process is easy or even welcome at times. I am suggesting that every time I have adjusted my perspective on events, I have found greater meaning and satisfaction in my life. Let me know if this works for you too.

Happy Holidays!

Forgive Yourself

2018-10-11T19:35:00.000-05:00

I've had a rough run lately where I felt like the world was against me. That might sound rather dramatic, but accurate in many ways. How I got here was through a rough run where I engaged with people at my job who were demanding, underhanded, and dishonest. This was intermittent, but persistent. Their behavior did not bring out my best behavior. Most of the time, I found myself wanting to completely disengage and remove myself from them to avoid the uncomfortable situations. It's easy to blame other people, but I was most angry at myself for putting myself in that situation, even though there's no possible way I could have known how the experience would be for me.

So I did what most people do and languished in a job I did not feel supported in, found as much solace in the people who were terrific around me, and looked for opportunities that made me happy. Parts of the job were delightful, but those too became less so. As the opportunities and joys shrunk, I became more angry at myself thinking that I'm a bright person, I should be able to fix this.

Should.

That word has illuminated almost every time in my life when I have been mean to myself. Magical thinking is what they call it in psychology - believing that one event happens caused by another event without a causal link. I'm smart so I can fix this. Nope. So how do I end the languishing? I quit. I remove myself from the situation that's causing me distress. Then I move toward events, people, and things that make me happy.

First, I have to forgive myself for making choices that I thought were the best for me and my family that turned out to be ugly and painful. I don't need forgiveness from those who hurt me, I need to forgive myself. This is the beginning of my healing. Yes, I still have anger, but I don't have to wallow in it and make the ugly a badge of honor. I'm thankful to hand the ugly to the wind and move into the parts of me that I enjoy to heal this wound. Forgiving myself is actually harder than I thought, but doing so is necessary. I feel lighter than I have in a long while.

Articulate Your Experience

2018-10-02T16:12:00.001-05:00

Often overlooked and undervalued is the process of articulating what is happening and what happened to you through your experience. By naming the elements of what you're experiencing to yourself and others, you're better able to make choices about what directions you want to move toward. Plus, there's great value in sharing what your experience is versus what other people might be experiencing. Because we all have different focuses in our lives, the things you observe may not be perceived by others. This alone can deepen experiences for others.

Sometimes, life can give you experiences that challenge you. When that happens, finding the words to explain to yourself and others what's happening can help you understand what's important to you. Whether or not people agree with you is not the important part of this process. What's important is that you know what's true for you.

When People Make You Angry

2018-07-04T10:45:00.000-05:00

The most common reason for anger is because someone or something is stopping you from reaching a goal. When I think about anger in this way, I recall when people have inspired anger in me. As a person who values loyalty as a foundational component to any relationship, anger also fires up in me when people pretend to be in allegiance with me.

When you acknowledge that your situation in life does not match the elements of support and encouragement (or whatever you deem crucial to your enjoyment in your career or relationships), change it. If people exist who do not subscribe to your needs, either set out to educate those people so they are able to address your needs, or make those relationships less important and time consuming altogether. This idea sounded difficult to me, at first. But when I put this simple idea into practice, two things happened.

The first outcome was the people who cared about me stepped up to the plate and engaged with me in ways that were satisfying and helped grow both of us. The second result was the people who were not interested in working together to continue our relationship in mutually satisfying ways ended. What I took from this was some people are worthy of investment and others are not.

A prime example of both outcomes was a person in my life who was a subordinate, we'll call him Jim. Jim was good at completing tasks which he was interested in, but not those in which he was not. Problems came to a boiling point when Jim's disgruntled resentment surfaced in a confrontation about what he thought he should be doing rather than what his job demanded. Jim expressed his opinion, I was not able to change what the job demands were. Jim couldn't listen to what I needed as his boss, and Jim needed to move on. Jim also directed anger at me for remaining clear in my stance that the work needed to be done, regardless of his point of view. This type of situation is familiar to many; we all have been on one side or the other at times.

Try out the simple strategy and see what you discover. I'd love to hear your outcomes!!!

Copyright 2018 Dr. Heather Corwin

Be The Change You Wish To See In The World

2018-06-17T06:58:00.000-05:00

As an adult and a parent, I find that I spend time reflecting on what I was taught, how I was taught, and lessons that I value. When I took a Film Studies class in high school, I recall vividly the opening of the Western movie "The Wild Bunch" where kids are torturing a scorpion. The idea that director Sam Peckinpah was conveying, or that I took away, is that all people have a primitive nature and we are taught how to be socially engaged and kind. As in all areas, some people have predispositions to kindness or to cruelty. Plus, parents and caregivers to have a huge impact on the direction of our social engagement preferences.

Which leads me to the idea that not everyone has the same values. At school, my now second grade daughter is taught how to share and focus on the work before her. She is encouraged to play well with others and be kind. Sadly, these lessons do not always serve people. In a large family, if a person would wait to take food, dinner might be gone. Survival of the fittest becomes the lesson of the day. Nevertheless, there is a time and place for everything, including kindness.

Sometimes, doing the right thing is hard. Sometimes being kind and generous takes more energy than we wish to spend. Sometimes people treat us badly and we are not full of what Ghandi called satyigraha, or resisting peacefully. Right now I have many areas of my life that cause me anxiety; I'm not alone in this.

I often look to world leaders to inspire me and how I interact in the world. Past leaders are who I'm turning to these days. The phrase that comes to mind lately again and again is the one inspired by Ghandi, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." I shall endeavor!

Dr. Heather Corwin, Copyright © 2018

Listen to Your Body

2018-02-27T19:31:00.000-06:00

There are days, few thankfully, that I feel simply tired or bad. On these days, I'm often reminded of

the stressors that are filling my life at an UN-ignorable decibel level. When I feel bad, this is my body's way of saying, "hey, calm down. You need to rest today and take care of yourself." When I was younger, I just plowed through these signs and then got sick. Now that I'm older, half the time I jump straight into unwell.

These times are not unique in my body being clear about sending me signs that are terrific warnings for me. When my hair stands up on end, I know something is going on that requires more attention int the moment. When I get a sensation in the pit of my stomach, I stop everything and listen. When I want to be alone more than anything, I find a way to do that, even if in short spurts. My body is loud when it signals to me. I'm thankful, even when I don't want to listen.

Today I have a burning in my throat and an ear infection. I didn't listen soon enough and now I'm paying the price in pain. Pain is the body's last resort to signal something needs to change in behavior. Got it.

May your Spring be filled with signals you hear, your health be vigorous, and your laughter heal your heart.

Grief

2016-09-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

Grief jumbles up my soul inspiring me to cull out all behavior that exists for others and does not serve my heart.

The ache of my mother’s death echoes this new loss of love.

Strings of hurts entwine like a knotted necklace.

Without patience, I try to fling the hurts away.

Impossible.

I will not be who I am not.

Life demands my happiness.

even when I throb within the void acknowledging the hole left behind

even when I sob within the void

even when I …

Time marches onward making the void bigger and smaller.

I am lucky, love is beside me always.

With love I am able to conquer fear.

With love I am able to soothe my soul.

With love, I will find what I need.

and I miss those who came and had to leave

Losing Your Job

2016-03-05T08:56:00.001-06:00

A dear friend of mine was recently laid off. My first reaction was to jump on a plane, surround us with chocolate, and watch "I'm glad that's NOT me" themed films or historical romances. Since that's not possible, I went straight to the internet for inspirational stories around job loss. These stories were mostly thank God I was forced to re-evaluate my life and now I'm happy! And all I could think was, it's too soon to send this sort of stuff.

Loosing your job is a big deal. People you spend the majority of your day with for years are people you will no longer see regularly. What's more complicated is the idea that your boss, the person who may have cheered you on last week, is now the person telling you your services are no longer needed. That hurts. Betrayal and trust are often at the center of this event, which can erode confidence.

What brings little comfort is being let go was not a result of misuse of social media or lying on a resume, it was as simple and devastating as the company did not drive as much business as it once had, requiring down-sizing. Facts do not help the heart feel better immediately, but they do soothe eventually.

What I do know is my friend needs me now: to listen, to laugh, to cry, to support grieving and recovery. The truth is, life can offer us better opportunities than we can hope for when we are open to the possibility - which usually occurs when seeking work. Here's to life healing the hurts and celebrating possibilities!!!

Teaching Problem Students

2016-01-09T15:44:00.000-06:00

Maybe I've been reading too much Brené Brown, but I'm going to dedicate this year to articulating my vulnerabilities. Recently I've been thinking about what keeps me up at night. As a teacher, what keeps me up most is when a student is not thriving or succeeding in my class. My common go-to thought is, "I must not be enough." I gently put that aside, awaken my curiosity around the students and situation, and see what I can bring to the equation that may evolve the situation in the direction of success.

Allow me to introduce one of my undergraduate students who I will call "Jane." Jane loved the teacher who instructed last year who had a totally different focus on the material. That happens. The student felt very loyal to that teacher. I'm not sure where else she and I have challenges, but she stated that she doesn't believe I can teach her anything, which is a little mind boggling, especially since we've already spent a semester together. Ego aside, I've been teaching a long time and this sort of problem has never occurred in my class - especially when I'm teaching majors. This is usually when I have my biggest awareness epiphany's, in the face of challenge. What I find interesting is this student also failed to complete substantial amounts of homework required of the class, which is no coincidence. So is this blame game an attempt to assuage her guilt at not committing to the class or might she simply dislike the material... or me? I'm always looking for logic. I'm not into taking these challenges personally, but it's hard not to do so.

Sometimes, as a teacher, the answer after you've exhausted all teaching angles is, "this student is not interested in engaging in this class for whatever reason." That is a last resort thought for me. Plus, there's always a reason the student does not want to engage. However, discovering what is holding the student back can shed light on a multitude of blocks the student may have, which will allow the student to soar in her academics as well as in her life. Most important, teaching requires both parties to engage. If a student chooses not to, I have little recourse other than a grade reflection, which is lame. Learning isn't happening. Well, not the learning I have in mind anyway.

I'm not the perfect teacher for everyone, that's not possible. So 2% of all of my students who do not connect to what or how I teach is a pretty good average. Sadly, that doesn't salve me. Logic doesn't ease my heart when spreading love of acting is what drives me. I don't even care if a students does not have enthusiasm for the material, the assignments still have to be done. Engaging is required of adults who do more than survive in the world. Clearly, I'm more than a survivor. Can I lead by example and hope that's enough? We will find out.

Relocating Can be a Bitch

2015-07-27T14:51:00.001-05:00

You know where your coffee place is, your dentist, your favorite breakfast place, where your friends like to hang out, your favorite romantic restaurant, etc. But now you're half way across the country and none of those people, things or places are the same. You don't even have the same bank because it's going to be another branch. Life is full of details.

Details make up my life. Now they're ALL different.

I can thank my lucky stars that the sameness is in my marriage partner - Doug. Through the constant changes, we have each other - and will soon have other friends again as well. Thankfully, I have friends in the area, but it's not the same... yet. There's a loneliness that hits when moving to a place that's new because the older people get, the harder it is to establish new relationships. I now have the opportunity to rekindle some friendships that I enjoyed years ago, and I'm delighted that many of those friends are interested in doing so!

Now I just have to have patience and grieve the loss of the life I had in Pasadena. Those people are not dead to me, I just won't have an every day interaction with them. I look forward to visits!!!

To Cassandra... About Dying and Living

2015-01-24T00:25:00.000-06:00

Dear Cassandra,

Elsa (left), Cassandra (middle), Anna (Right)

You can't read this, you're only 4. But I wanted you to know that I have always felt fortunate in that I really love my life. I've chosen some hard paths, but they were ones that I wanted and fought hard to stay on to live the life I imagine and dream for myself. I hope you follow your heart and allow yourself to be happy.

I always wanted you. Ever since I was a little girl, I had conversations with myself about what I would do with you and how well I would treat you when you came into my life. That might sound funny to you because I'm sure you think of rules as unfair sometimes. Still, I'm using every bit of knowledge and wisdom I can muster to be the best mom I know how to be because you're very important to me.

If there's one thing the I wish for you is that you could inherit my optimism. Sometimes the sheer force of it is stunning, because I really have lived a charmed life that supports that optimism. From your father, I hope you inherit his kindness (and his intelligence), but the kindness never ceases to baffle me- because your dad's heart is bigger than Jupiter and is so beautiful.

We all get hurt at times in our lives. I know you will and I hope to be there to help you through. I wish all hurts were as simple as you cutting your finger on the scissors when you weren't looking like the other night when my heart stopped, but that's not realistic. And that scared me to death. When your heart hurts, know that you can grieve. Then take the time to feel into the wonderful things in your life. Call your friends and spend time laughing and sitting quietly together sipping tea and just being. Healing happens in the connections we make with people, even when much of grief occurs when others sever those connections.

Know that all of who I am is thilled that you are mine and I am yours. I'm so happy that you chose me to be your mom!

All my love,
Mom

Interviews Can Go Well

2015-01-17T17:23:00.001-06:00

The feeling I want when I interview for the right University!

I've been on the hunt for a tenure track professorship for the past 6 years - longer than it took me to complete my Ph.D. I had a few interviews in those years, but none of the positions were a fit for me for a variety of reasons. This year, there are more openings in Acting and Movement (Actor Training/Theatre) positions throughout the U.S than the past 6 years combined!

Last year I was a finalist for a position that wasn't a good fit for me, though I tried to convince myself the job was ideal. Thankfully, they didn't offer the position. When they let me know that the job wasn't mine, I was so relieved I actually did a fist pump dance more commonly reserved for "celebrations." It was a celebration because I was trying to ignore my inner voice that said, "RUN!"

This school year I've been honored to be interviewed at more than one college. If you don't know this, the process is long for college hiring of professors, which usually takes one full year to hire for the following school year. For one interview, I knew I wasn't a fit the moment I asked about research support or resources... after which they stared at me with a deer in the headlights look and said, "this is community college. We don't do research." Uhm... I currently teach at Pasadena City College (a community college) and had terrific in house support and student participation for my study... so... huh? I think they heard, "I hate teaching, so how can I get out of it?" Which makes me chuckle to think about - because I LOVE teaching!

I just had another online/video interview that, for the first time in forever (I've been watching a lot of FROZEN), is a terrific match. Essentially I'm looking for an academic home where my colleagues are kind, passionate, still working in the field, and are excited to collaborate with me. This place checks all the boxes!! Now I wait to see if they're into me. Plus, more suitors could be on the way!

What makes for your perfect place to work?

Friends Lead the Way

2015-01-13T23:05:00.000-06:00

This past weekend, a dear friend won a Golden Globe Award for her work in the television show TRANSPARENT. Her name is Alexandra Billings (see photo right), and she is an amazing person for so many reasons including her deep love of living. And yet... what I can't stop thinking is "if Alex can do it, so can I."

Sometimes I can't help but compare myself to others. I cannot be Alex. I cannot be you. I can only be me - but because I know Alex, I know the world is not so small or full of impossibilities. If Alex can do it, so can I.

Plus, Alex is an amazing teacher. I had the luck and delight of taking her Steppenwolf West Viewpoints class in which I reveled as an artist! Alex inspires, motivates, and holds a space that is safe and invigorating. She's not defined by ONE talent, she has many. If Alex can do it, so can I.

I know the work I do with students is deeply meaningful- and feeds my soul. I love to act and dream of working on Downton Abby or any BBC endeavor. (I'm smiling big at the thought!) Alex is helping change the world through groundbreaking television. I know I'll never be cast as a Transgender badass (like Alex) because that's not me. But I do know who I am and celebrate me. So... if Alex can do it, so can I.

Light Your Fire Within

2015-01-12T23:39:00.002-06:00

There are days when I am stunned by how much I enjoy my life. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of crappy days that hit as well, but mostly I'm content. The reason is I really listen to that little voice inside me that is my "fire." Every time I've listened, I know if I'm on the right path. I know if I'm right for a job. I'll know if a friendship is one that I'll enjoy and find much laughter. My favorite fire kindles when I'm around my husband: sparks, embers, inferno!

But how do I listen? I listen with my skin as it gets goose bumps to be dramatically obvious about something being good for me. I'll listen to my thoughts which either get excited and I am drawn to a person or situation or the thoughts produce an exit strategy. I listen to whether or not my body feels good or bad. Amazingly, I find life extremely satisfying and appropriate for me if I simply listen to my fire.

If you feel like your inner fire is at a blaze 24/7 and you're a little out of practice listening, or worse - you keep getting burned, go to a natural setting like a wildlife preserve and find a place of solitude. (I like nature. If you hate nature, try a place you know you can be still and observe your personal reactions to things.) Find a spot that's comfy and be still for at least 5 minutes. Listen to what you think. If you inner chatter is super loud, stay another 5 minutes until you're able to focus on your surroundings and your reactions to them. Let me know what you discover!

Your inner fire isn't about burning yourself up, it's about setting the world ablaze with your power! Your fire signifies that which only you can bring into this world. Be bold!

Stand For Love

2015-01-09T00:20:00.001-06:00

Alan Turing, The Imitation Game is based on his life story

I would like to say that I don't care if you're gay, straight, bi, or transgender - but I do. I care that you know who you are and that you honor yourself regardless of sinister minds and oppression, religious or otherwise. However, I do NOT care to know your business as it is YOURS and has nothing to do with me if I am not the subject of your affection.

After watching THE IMITATION GAME, I was rocked to my core by the fact that homosexuality was a crime in the U.K. I have a bias that Europeans are more open and accepting about sexuality than the puritanical heritage of the U.S. Here laws banning homosexuality were not removed by the Supreme Court until 2003. I wish I was kidding.

In high school, I enjoyed the friendship of many people. We had a few openly gay young men in school and, thankfully, they were not beat up or killed. I recall wondering often why people were so fearful and spiteful to gay, lesbian, or people who seemed different from them. Later, I began to wonder if some of these people were also self-identified with the groups that they seemed determined to hate.

"Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine" is a memorable quote from THE IMITATION GAME. People don't care what you do behind closed doors when you're a genius who can help them, but after this genius served his country they arrested him for homosexuality, he lost his job teaching at Cambridge, and was forced to take drugs to "cure" his homosexuality. He killed himself at age 41. What I find appalling beyond belief is that anyone can be interested in a person's sexual habits when they don't concern that person. If the reason is based in religion, our choices and actions are between us and our maker. Regardless of the basis of hate or contempt, I wish the world moved more quickly to establish equality of all, rights for all. Alas, my optimism often gets my heart hurt.

Romance is Alive and Well!

2014-12-31T18:03:00.004-06:00

Where did I start to cultivate this idea that romance is a wonderful way to enjoy life? Disney? As if that's the only way romance can bloom in a person - hah! The more television I watch covering news and dramatic series, the more I become devastated by how cynical our culture has become. Shows like Black Mirror (BBC) and even shows that are designed to make me laugh at the news (like John Oliver or The Daily Show) only serve to remind me that I live in a backward and negative world.

So what do I do to remain romantic? Well, I read romance novels as much as possible. I used to shy away from telling people this because I thought this pastime implied I was an idiot, though I don't actually think that's true of myself or my friends who also love reading romance novels. What I love about these novels is the fact that the formula for love is clear and I know this book will have a happy ending. Life doesn't work like that. I don't care if the story is implausible and would never happen in a million years, the point is I get to enjoy the feelings of cheering a couple on to love because that's fun and inspiring!

Simple human kindness seems a romantic ideal and is behavior our fast paced society overlooks often, myself included. I feel like I'd really like to be able to invite a little more kindness into my everyday, which makes me think of romance and people simply being courteous to one another. The Victorian era is a favorite in romance novels. The time was not ideal and had many more problems than we focus on in these novels, but the reason so many romances are historical is because society has a set of rules that people lived by, including taking someone at his or her word. That is a ridiculous idea these days because if you don't "get it in writing," the agreement is not lawfully supported. Yet another realm of cynicism that our society requires.

Bottom Line: I like it when I am courteous to someone and they acknowledge that kindness. The opposite is true that I enjoy when others do me a kindness that I acknowledge. Simple, but not a commonly employed idea here in L.A. This starts with me, and I vow to do my best to be kind (with an impish gleam in my eye) to those around me. Here goes!!!

Happy New Year 2015!

Egotism is Not JOY

2014-12-24T21:32:00.001-06:00

I have a few God given talents. I know I do - because I believe everyone has a few. Mine happen to be teaching actor training, healing through Rolfing, and tenacity. I have above average intelligence, but I know many people smarter than I am. This past year I've discovered something new in myself that I have been taking time to examine: guilt at enjoying and celebrating my talents.

It's not like I rub my talent in people's faces, which would be egotistical. Somehow I've linked this teaching ability (take the leap with me) to the idea that I may get attached to students liking me. Well, students usually do like me, but in all honesty, I'm much more attached to the idea that they have to learn something than they have to like me. Regardless, liking your teacher is not a prerequisite for staying in the course.

This past semester was magical for me on many levels. The students I was teaching, some familiar and some new, were reaching new levels of curiosity, achievement, and understanding of the material I was teaching. I felt like I may have just entered a golden age of my teaching career because I feel like I more deeply applied nuanced individual teaching to my students in ways that supported them to soar in the material! Witnessing their growth in acting as performers and as people was a gift and a delight!

And then I started to wonder about wanting them to like me too much, in a similar vein to my ego wanting great reviews as an actor. Though the result is not the same thing, I somehow tangled approval in my mind to both types of reactions to me. As a result, I was aware that I was creating a space where I would not allow myself to enjoy the relationships of the students as much as I wanted to because I was afraid I would become egotistical and NEED the adoration of my students.

Upon great reflection over the duration of this past semester, I've come to realize that confidence is not egotism. Joy is not arrogance. Trust is not dependance or validation, it's a special event that occurs when people have respect for each other. I want to take back the moments of holding back joy!!! I delight in my students and I revel in my successes as a teacher. I promise myself to not confuse these ideas again in the future. I promise to unleash my joy!

This is my foremost New Years' resolution! 2015 is going to be GREAT!

Yoga Wrings Out the Body

2014-10-08T15:40:00.000-05:00

http://shivarea.com/online-store

There are days when I'm able to enjoy the idea of returning to my yoga practice and open up my body with enthusiasm. On such days, I can't usually make it to a yoga studio, so my go-to DVD is Shiva Rea's YOGA SHAKTI, which offers the ability to choose several practices OR I can build my own sequence. Today, I chose the basic flow, which is about 45 minutes. Ahhhh.

Resting always feels better to me when I've done some motion with my body. Today, I also had the added benefit of enjoying my little kitten, Loki, jumping on my arm and wrestling me - which made me cackle with delight.

Every day I need to test my inner and outer energy level. Then I see where I am that day to best decide how to proceed with motion. Some days, that will lead me to a walk. Other days I will want to do a strenuous full body work out.

Today, I'm thrilled that I did what I needed. What do you need today?

Why Kindness Always Surprises Me

2014-10-07T10:25:00.002-05:00

I have a few people in my life who endlessly surprise me with their compassion and honest concern for others. One such person often gets accused of being an upstart because he actually leads others to fight for their rights and to make the world a better place. He is truly an altruistic warrior. It seems to me as I've witnessed people react to his actions that doing this makes some people feel inadequate or small and they lash out at him.

My first reaction to a situation is usually to sit back and assess, whereas the people I'm thinking of who are kind assume the people involved have good intentions. While that point of view is not my first, I do wish sometimes that I had this belief. How great would it be if I actually thought everyone was kind? Clearly, my first thought after this one is, "well, couldn't lumping everyone as KIND be problematic too?" Yep.

I think the lesson here is that borrowing ways to see the world can be useful in some instances and not others. When I'm having a particularly trying day, I can borrow the kind outlook on life and see if that makes my day better. On some occasions, I know it has.

Borrow some kindness today and see how that works for you! I'd love to hear your experience!

A Walk in the Park

2014-10-06T18:37:00.003-05:00

Saturday was a lovely day for many reasons. The temperature was 101 - in October. Oh. L.A. However, my husband and child let me sleep in and we all went out to breakfast. Afterward, at our daughter's suggestion, we went to our local park where she enjoyed the swing, her favorite park activity. My vibrant daughter prefers my husbands' pushes to mine - so I was able to stretch in the shade. Ah.

Yesterday was less active, but I did mindfully rest for 5 minutes in savasanah. Instead of excuses, I'm simply proud I was able to find a small but effective part of my day to be mindfully physically present.

Today, after lunch, I spent quite some time doing some stretches on the floor and standing. I can feel the blood moving, which feels like energy flow!

Baby steps. And I love it!

Getting Back to ME

2014-10-01T22:16:00.000-05:00

There are days when I look at my self and I sigh with resignation that who I am now is close to who I want to be...but I'm not quite there yet. What makes me feel this way is when I look in the mirror, I notice I don't quite look like I did before I had a child though I'm close to the same weight. I was physically a power house before my child and now I barely have time to take a walk once a week. So how do I get back to me?

This morning for the first time in a LONG time, I did a sun salutation. And then I felt better than I have in a long time. Movement for me is integral to my happiness. It's how I manage stress, it's how I work out my inner turmoil, and it's how I feel strong. Ironically, it's the first thing I tend to put to the side when my time is at a premium - and it's the most important resource I have as a human being.

The next bunch of blog posts are going to chronicle how I reintegrate moving back into my life. Some of that may be in the form of laying on different types of objects that open up muscular tension (like a ball), or bamboo, or just simply stretching - or actually using the tread mill I was so eager to buy so I could walk at night in my house. Sigh.

I urge you to take the GETTING BACK TO ME challenge if you need it! One step at a time....