Corey John Richardson, MPAS, MBA

Corey Richardson published again! The national medical journal JAAPA: The PA Profession and Substance Use Disorder

2015-09-25T18:56:00.002-07:00

Click this link to read the FULL TEXT

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2015-06-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

I believe that physicians and other prescribing providers, such as dentist and physician assistants, are too eager to write narcotics. Often it is due to little medical knowledge about substance use disorders and the prevalence of genetic predispositions to these disorders. It is often due to drug-seeking behavior of patients who are very persuasive. Fortunately, being North Carolina Medical Board (North Carolina Medical Board, 2014) has outlined specifics for appropriate prescribing of narcotic pain medication. The rampant problem of opiate misuse and overdose has made applying the ease evidence-based practices not only important in the care of patients, but mandatory. Many patients that come to us for you substance use disorder treatment started with one simple prescription for a sprained ankle or a toothache. They had no idea the misery of addiction that would follow after filling that simple prescription.

Add to the conversation!! What are your thoughts???

Reference

North Carolina Medical Board. (2014). Policy for the use of opiates for the treatment of pain. Retrieved from http://www.ncmedboard.org/images/uploads/other_pdfs/Policy_for_the_Use_of_Opiates_for_the_Treatment_of_Pain_June_4_2014.pdf

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TRIGGERS AND SUBSTANCE USE DISORDERS

2015-06-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

A discussion on triggers is very important in recovery. My work with patients who are struggling with their substance use disorders proves this. They really have an eye-opening experience when we discuss their triggers. The trigger worksheet that we start with moves across the spectrum. It includes craving and withdrawal, the belief that one can use “just one” drink or pill, or maybe the sneaky thought that they can one day use moderately. It may be boredom, anger, and so on that causes them to crave a drink or drug.

As we move up and down the 20 different possible triggers, patients figure out that they are checking almost every single trigger listed!!! This means that essentially we may be finding excuses to use drugs and alcohol. Now, some of these triggers for certain patients are very powerful. Many will get to a triggers such as stress and stop. They look up at me with this look that says, “This is definitely a trigger for me!”

Dopamine is a very powerful neurotransmitter. The pleasure centers in our brain do not care about our lives, jobs, and families. I tell people that that part of your brain doesn’t care if you sleep under a bridge. It only wants to get drunk or high, and set you anything just like the used car salesman to get you to buy. Years of drug use have created certain neural pathways that are highly activated by drug use. For many patients, just knowing that they are on their way to pick up drugs relieves much of their craving and withdrawal. These triggers can light up that narrow pathway once again causing us to want to use. Identifying triggers, avoiding them when possible, thinking through possible consequences as a result of use, and so on are all powerful components of any relapse prevention plan. With abstinence and an active recovery program, many triggers that formerly would drive patients to relapse lose their power to influence over time.

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Bath Salts and Designer Drugs are NOT legal

2015-06-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

“Bath Salts” are Synthetic Cathinones, an amphetamine-like stimulant found naturally in the khat plant. Unscrupulous chemists are creating these designer drugs. They continue to alter in small ways the chemical makeup of the legal drugs, thereby making them legal…. Or so it would seem. While these substances may be legal on the state level, they are still illegal on the federal level. The Controlled Substances Analogue Enforcement Act of 1986 (Analogue Enforcement Act) outlaws any substances or chemicals that are “substantially similar” to it illegal or controlled substances. The Synthetic Drug Abuse Prevention Act of 2012 (SDAPA) also strengthen the laws against designer drugs. And as we all know federal law supersedes any state laws that may apply. The difficulty does occur when these drugs are marketed as products not for human consumption, such as bath salts. We have seen that in many instances false labeling have not been effective in circumventing federal laws written to stop designer drugs.

Reference

Lowe, M. (2014, May 31). Synthetic drug busts: Federal arrest for fake pot and designer drugs that are legal under state law. Dallasjustice.com. Retrieved from http://www.dallasjustice.com/synthetic-drug-busts-federal-arrests-for-fake-pot-and-designer-drugs-that-are-legal-under-state-law/

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INTEGRATED CARE: APPROPRIATE CHRONIC PAIN MANAGEMENT USING SCREENING AND ASSESSMENT TOOLS FOR SUBSTANCE USE DISORDER

2014-11-02T05:50:00.002-08:00

Corey Richardson of Rudisill Family Practice gave a talk to the

Blue Ridge Foothills Regional Medical Meeting on 10/21/14 on

Integrated Care focusing on appropriate Chronic Pain

Management and Substance Use Disorder Treatment. After the

talk, he participated in an expert panel discussion. Thanks to all

of the doctors, PAs, NPs, administrators, and other who drove

from the surrounding region to participate in the program.

Cell Phone Addiction... Published in Spotlight on Recovery (August 2014)

2014-10-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

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Dear Mr. President!!!

2014-06-01T19:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Mr. President!!!

Haven't you ever wanted to give the man who runs this country a piece of your mind??

Well, the latest issue of Spotlight on Recovery does that. A varied selection of authors present their perspectives, including Mr. Richardson.

He addresses the War on Drugs in a way you may not have thought of before - and how our Commander in Chief could have been the one behind bars had things been different.

To read more, order your copy today from Spotlight on Recovery by clicking this link.

A Single Step........

2014-06-01T19:12:00.001-07:00

Our country has been torn apart by gun violence. Corey Richardson offers a balanced approach on

this issue in the latest issue of Spotlight on Recovery, Spring 2014. For more on Gun Violence and other recovery issues - click this link to go to Spotlight on Recovery

Project Lazarus of Catawba County

2014-03-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

Corey Richardson has been asked to be a member of the Project Lazarus of Catawba County Steering Committee. Our county has decided to take the needed steps to address drug overdose. We commend Mr. Richardson for his effort in this field and his participation in this organization as well as other state professional organizations. Watch here for more!!

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FOURTH CITY: ESSAYS FROM THE PRISON IN AMERICA

2014-03-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Once again, Mr. Richardson is published!! Four of his articles can be found in the new publication from Michigan State University Press. His topics range from family life with incarcerated parents to prison relationships to The Convict Vote.

Check out his work and this great new reference!!!

Check out this new publication

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2014-02-20T04:37:00.000-08:00

CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY......

Learning to live From inner life.

In codependency the locus of control is external. We cut off all contact with the painful in life and cling to external cues to tell us that we are okay and what to do next. In recovery need to begin to make contact with our inner world of emotions, pain, regret, happiness, and all of those things that make up what goes on inside of us. We've lost touch with that. If we can gain contact with this in our lives then we can make more meaningful, healthy relationships with others. This is an essential aspect of making recovery go more smoothly.

Learning to tolerate emotional pain.

Building upon what we just discussed, a large part of codependency is running from emotional pain. Just as the alcoholic or addict uses a substance to emotional pain, the codependent individual runs from the emotional pain through other people. It is at this point we need to get in touch with this pain and learn to tolerate it. This means being present to the emotional pain and allowing your inner world to surface to the top. In this way we can start to open up in therapy and groups and allow the healing process to begin.

Learning to set healthy boundaries.

A large part of codependency is based upon unhealthy boundaries. We become enmeshed in other people and their lives. We do this to such a large extent that their lives crowd out any needs that we have whatsoever as a codependent people. To allow our true selves to develop, we need to separate ourselves from other people through healthy boundaries. Without creating healthy boundaries, we can never recover.

Getting our needs met.

For many codependents, they have absolutely no idea what their needs are. They only live to meet the needs of other people due to their codependency. Therefore it is crucial in recovery to begin to understand what our needs are as human beings. By understanding what are physical, emotional, and psychological needs are, we can begin to meet these needs and become home, thereby giving ourselves completely to recovery and moving towards healthy relationships with other people.

Working through our core issues.

For many people, there are core issues which hold back healthy productive personal growth. These core issues very from fear of abandonment to all or nothing thinking. They stem from personal trauma as children in dysfunctional family relationships. This is where many people develop their codependency and this is where they have to start when it comes to the recovery process.

(based upon Charles Whitfield's theory of Codependency)

THE 12 STEPS OF CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY EXPLAINED........

2014-02-13T05:01:00.003-08:00

THE 12 STEPS OF CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY EXPLAINED........

COREY RICHARDSON, MPAS, LCASA

The 12 steps of Codependency Anonymous.
The first step says "we admitted we were powerless over others and that our lives had become unmanageable." For the codependent this is a very important and necessary step. It's counter-intuitive because the one thing in recovery we wish codependents to do is assume power and control over their lives. But we cannot change the past and we cannot change the fact that we are codependent. Therefore we are powerless over that and we must therefore accept that reality of our lives today . It is this acceptance that allows us to move into recovery.
The second step says that "we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." This Power greater than ourselves can be a higher power as in the God of our understanding or it may be something as in a codependent group or possibly the 12 step program. It is important to believe that past failures as individuals with regard to codependency can now be overcome in recovery through some other mechanism greater than what we have used so far as individuals.
The third step says that "we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God." Again this is counter-intuitive to codependency recovery because previously allowing others to control us caused us much pain. This step is very important because it is based upon trust. Previously our trust in other people and other things failed us and we were hurt because of it. At this point we need to trust the right people and trust in the recovery process as a positive thing as we move towards healing.
The fourth step says that "we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." This is a very important step as we move toward honesty in self reflection about our lives and ourselves as individuals. Many of us have believed the wrong things about ourselves and have had these beliefs supported by people who were very unhealthy influences in our lives. It is during this step that we are able to address our codependency issues. These will be our core recovery issues as we move through the rest of the 12 steps.
The fifth step states that "we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." It is in this step that we not only learn to trust another human being but we begin the process of healthy communications with people and we move away from the irrational thoughts and perceptions about ourselves and our lives as we begin to listen to caring, objective people who support our recovery.
The sixth and seventh steps state that "we were entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character," and "humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings." This is not a self deprecating process but is honest reflection of whom we are and the necessary commitment to the recovery process. Just as it is with alcohol and drug addiction, the codependent is reluctant to let go of her codependency.
Steps eight and nine require making amends. They state "we made a list of all people we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all," and "made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except to do so would injure them or others." It is first and foremost a willingness to recover and move toward health and well-being - evaluated our past and working toward recovery is woven into this step. It is important to take an honest look at the people we have harmed as part of the healing process, and be willing to make amends when appropriate. A sponsor is very important in this process so that these two steps can be a healthy part of recovery and not a continuation of our codependent behavior.
Step 10 states that "we continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong probably admitted it". This allows us to take our recovery into our daily lives and live according to the principles we have learned so far. It is easy to slip back into codependent behavior and therefore this step allows us to stay the path of recovery.
The 11th step states that "we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." This allows us to be reflective about our lives and to begin to experience our lives in a healthy meaningful way. It is in this way that we allowed ourselves to gain balance and direction in recovery.
The 12th step says that "having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and the practice these principles in all of our affairs." This step acknowledges that we've gained an awareness about ourselves and our codependency. That we have now gained insight and balance in our lives and have been able to incorporate the principles of recovery into daily living. Now we not only live healthy lives but it allows us to bring recovery to other people. We're not trying to save other codependents, but we are trying to bring them the tools necessary so that they can save themselves from their codependency through the 12 steps of recovery. It is very important aspect of continuing to heal ourselves as we present our recovery to others suffering from codependency.

Please add your input on these 12 steps and how they relate to recovery!!! THANKS!!!

Power = Awareness + Responsibility

2014-02-07T07:09:00.002-08:00

P = A + R

Some feel confused and lost within codependency. This is how this equation works toward RECOVERY.

Awareness (A) is how I am gaining insight into this disorder and how it effects my relationships. Awareness changes my thinking. But knowledge alone is NOT enough.

It takes ACTION through personality Responsibility (R). Action moves me from old codependent behaviors. New behaviors equals new relationships and a new life.

Thereby I have gained the Power (P) which I did not have while suffering from Codependency.

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CHARACTERISITICS OF TRUE SELF LEAD TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

2014-02-07T05:45:00.001-08:00

It is easy to see how some of these characteristics of the true self can lead to healthy relationships and balance in our lives.
1. Seeing love in other people it changes our perspective completely and allows us to be more forgiving and caring. It also allows us to be more accepting of other people just as they are. And in doing so we begin to love and accept ourselves just as we are.
2. In taking responsibility for our own shortcomings and suffering, we begin to take personal responsibility and by doing so claim our personal power and begin our journey away from codependency. It is this responsibility that is extremely important been recovery from codependency.
3. Much of our co dependency stems from shame, guilt, hurt, anger, and resentment. By addressing these issues within our lives, we begin to see what the cause is and we can begin to forgive ourselves and others. Much of the pain caused by these issues forces us to act in very codependent ways as a coping mechanism. Through forgiveness we can claim our personal power and take responsibility for our own happiness.
4. Much of our co dependency may stem from fear of abandonment and therefore we cling to other people for fear that they will leave us. A perception that love is limited and therefore we must attempt to capture and hold it from other people may cause us much of this fear of abandonment. To begin to appreciate an abundance of love, allows us to lose much of our fear.
5. The perception that we are complete just as we are is very important in the treatment of codependency. Very often a codependent people feel that they are not worthwhile and this low self esteem is demonstrated in their relationships. If they began to perceive if they are perfect just as they are, that they have nothing that is lacking, and that they are good enough, they begin to act that way in all their relationships. It is just low self esteem that drives codependency and therefore positive self esteem is necessary for the treatment of codependency.

Keep the conversation going.......

What are some other traits???

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2014-02-05T14:27:00.002-08:00

Corey Richardson today gave a talk to the Dept of Social Services in Catawba County about substance use disorder screening, assessment, intervention, and treatment. He offered an overview of numerous screening tools which can be used in a clinical setting by a patient's primary care provider. Also, he offered some insight into comprehensive outpatient substance use treatment, including various modalities such as Motivational Intervention and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, as well as Medication Assisted Treatment with Suboxone. It was a lively discussion and well-received by AccessCare nurse case managers, local doctors, local healthcare administrators, etc.

GROWING UP CODEPENDENT AND TOXIC RULES

2014-01-30T08:36:00.002-08:00

In a dysfunctional family, many feel they must act as perfect little automatons, or the wrath of the family will come down on them. Usually, when there is trauma or addiction in the home, quickly the child must be quiet, out of the way, good - which often means managing many of the adult tasks like laundry, dinners, siblings, etc. - or the child is made to feel bad or wrong. Any needs of the child can be considered selfish and secondary to the adult family members in crisis. As we learn these behaviors, they stay with us a lifetime. So, the following rules apply, particularly with regard to grieving but also with all our relationships and our perceptions of ourselves.

There are 6 toxic rules that block grieving in codependency which are:
1. It's not OK to talk about problems or talk about or express feelings openly.
2. It's not OK to communicate indirectly through another person than the one
you need to talk to.
3. Don't be selfish.
4. Always be strong, good, perfect, and happy.
5. It's not OK to be playful and have fun.
6. Don't rock the boat.

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN ANY OF THESE???

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Psychological Disorders and Relationship-Building Skills

2014-01-30T07:50:00.005-08:00

Psychological Disorders and Relationship-Building Skills for The Therapist

As professionals working with co- dependent clients, we must use our relationship building skills in order to support their positive growth. In particular, empathy is very important. Very often are codependent clients feel unimportant and ignored. As such empathy allows us to focus our concentration on the co dependent clients needs and feelings. This ensures that they realize their value as individuals and that their needs and feelings are important. It is a very important aspect of treatment because unless we build rapport and trust with the patient, they will not trust us to move forward in this process of healing.
There are several psychological disorders that are frequently related to codependency. A few are reviewed here today:
General anxiety disorder is a mental condition where the person is extremely anxious or excessively worried about a variety of things and is unable to control his or her anxiety to such a degree that it causes difficulty in life. In situations like this there is no clear cause for the anxiety. These worries are generalized and I'm not focus on one particular problem or situation. The symptoms include 50 gig, your ability, difficulty concentrating, and restlessness when awake. They may also find it difficult falling or staying asleep and that sleep is usually restless and unsatisfying.
Avoidant personality disorder is a mental condition where the person has a lifelong pattern of feeling inadequate and extremely sensitive to rejection. They are often shy. It is characterized by feelings of tension in apprehension, insecurity in imperial city. There is a continuous unhealthy need to be like an accepted. They usually avoid work or activities that require significant interpersonal contact because of fear rejection. They are usually unwilling to get involved with people unless they are certain of being accepted. They are unusually reluctant to take personal risks or engage in new activities for fear of embarrassment.
Dependent personality disorder is a mental condition where the individual has excessive need to be taken care of and an excessive fear of being abandoned. as such, these persons engaged in dependent and submissive behaviors that are designed to elicit caregiving behaviors in others. These persons demonstrate excessive pessimism and self doubt and tend to be a little their own abilities and self worth. These persons have difficulty making everyday decisions, need others to assume responsibility for most areas of their life, have difficulty expressing disagreement with others, have difficulty initiating projects, go to excessive lanes to obtain support from others, feel uncomfortable and helpless when alone, originally seek relationships, and they are unrealistic me preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of themselves.
Dysthymic disorder is a mental condition defined by chronic depression. Over the symptoms are not as severe as those with major depression. The condition of depressed mood must be present for most of the days for at least 2 years. The person must have gone no more than 2 months without experiencing 2 or more of the following symptoms : poor appetite for overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self esteem, poor concentration, or feelings of hopelessness. It is important do note that the patient must not have been diagnosed with major depressive episodes during this time, there can be no physiological reason for the depression ( eg, no substance abuse can be the cause), and there can be no medical reason. The symptons must also cause significant impairment in social, education, occupational, and in other important areas of functioning.
Post traumatic stress disorder is an anxiety disorder that can occur after an individual has experienced extreme emotional trauma that involves threatened injury or death. This event can can be sexual assault. Our textbook intimates that a dysfunctional family history can be the cause of PTSD. The individual may experience recurring flashbacks, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and high levels of anxiety which usually continue for more than a month after the traumatic event. Women are most likely to develop PTSD. War vets are commonly at risk. The symptoms must lead to significant distress or impairment over important aspects of daily living such as social relations, work, and other aspects of functioning.

List others in the comment section to continue the conversation!!!!

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A brief review of the Cardinal Characteristics of Co-Dependency

2014-01-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

A brief review of the Cardinal Characteristics of Co-Dependency

Corey John Richardson, MPAS, LCASA

1. Learned and acquired: as discussed already, co-dependency often stems from a dysfunctional family of origin (and also reinforced societally). This "wounding" process which occurs in childhood when maturation occurs within a dysfunctional family leads to a defense mechanism of self-neglect, etc. as described in the text. It is in this environs that the "true self" cannot develop fully. We do not shake off these behaviors in adulthood and are thus saddled with the inability to have loving, caring, trusting, mutually-beneficial relationships. Hence the term Adult Child is used interchangeably at times with Co-Dependent. Does not appear to have a genetic predisposition as does substance use d.o.

2. Developmental: This seems readily apparent to me, as these individuals seem stuck in an earlier developmental stage. Unable to have or even appreciate healthy, balanced interpersonal relationships. As with children, the sense of self, namely autonomy is lost. Happiness, direction, misery, fulfillment, etc. all stem from another - like an infant and her dependence upon a mother for all needs.

3. Outer focused: Like a war zone, where the grenades and bullets are flying, normal is the chaos around them. Growing up, the war zone may be the dysfunctional family of origin. Later in life, it may be a relationship with an alcoholic or addict, or maybe an abusive partner. The inner life of a co-dependent has been limited since childhood and continues as an adult to be outer focused - seeking direction as described above from others. The inner world is bereft that simple questions to evaluate their inner life are met often with blank stares and teary-eyed questions: How do you feel? What are your dreams? What do you enjoy? A sense of self is derived from other people and things external to the co-dependent.

4. Lost Selfhood: As described above, a during maturation in a dysfunctional family of origin, an important aspect of healthy development is lost. This is a sense of self. Due to a survival mechanism, we hide out true self and as such feel empty and lost. Fulfillment must then be derived from outer things and people.

5. Personal boundary distortion: As co-dependent feel inextricably woven to those with whom they are involved. This lack of inner world and need to derive direction and fulfillment from the outer means that that co-dependent persons lack personal boundaries. Treatment is largely based on developing autonomy and personal responsibility for self.

6. A feeling disorder: The numbness and emptiness a co-dependent feels stems from the pain of childhood and often current dysfunctional relationships and the need to insulate one's self from that pain. As such, the feelings and emotions of shame, low self-esteem, anger, etc. bubble up sporadically and at times unyieldingly through the deadness. Becoming in touch with those feelings is a great part of co-dependent treatment.

7. Relationship difficulties: Relationships remain the core issues in co-dependency treatment as this is the primary cause of dysfunction. As with substance use disorder, the primary issue is the substance - the primary "drug" for the co-dependent is the unhealthy relationship.

8. Primary: Most co-dependency stems from childhood issues and is not related to other conditions or diseases within the patient/client, therefore the term primary. This is caused in the “wounding” process as described above. Some though is Secondary in the case where a healthy person becomes involved with a person with substance use disorder or similar condition which fosters co-dependency in others. As such, the secondary having not been caused in childhood and having just been established recently in the patient’s history, is usually less resistant to treatment.

A co-dependent living with an addict or sufficiently distracted from the necessary substantive therapeutic intervention will be prevented from advancing in recovery.

9. Chronic: Co-dependency is persistent or otherwise long-lasting in its effects. Sufficient and meaningful work over time is required for treatment to be effective.

10. Progressive: The condition does not stagnate or lie dormant – but worsens over time.

11. Malignant: The course of the condition leads to various serious situations, such as suicide, violence, or homicide, and causation and/or worsening of medical and/or psychological conditions.

12. Treatable: The condition of co-dependency is treatable, but often requires a multi-disciplinary, multi-faceted approach from trained professionals along with peer support and a serious, timely commitment toward recovery from the patient/client.

New NCAPA Health Committee BLOG

2013-07-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

Mr. Richardson continues to work on the North Carolina Association of Physician Assistants Health Committee, and the committee has started its new blog. Please visit the new site.

North Carolina Association of Physician Assistants Health Committee

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2012-09-14T06:02:00.004-07:00

Mr. Richardson is the NC, Catawba County Coordinator for the ELECT GARY JOHNSON FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN 2012 for the Libertarian Party. Seeking real change in our lives today!!!!

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Mr. Richardson has been elected to the NCAPA Health Committee

2012-09-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

Mr. Richardson has just been elected to the North Carolina Association of Physician Assistants' Health Committee. As a former PA and recoverying alcoholic/addict, he will work closely with PAs statewide with health and welllness issues, in particular, addiction issues. As a Health Committee member, he attended his first North Carolina Physician Health Program Retreat this September in Asheboro, NC.

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HEALING THROUGH WORDS

2012-07-17T03:41:00.002-07:00

Mr. Richardson's latest article on sobriety published in Spotlight on Recovery (March 2012).
Words are important. In sobriety, especially so as they are windows to our minds' inner workings and to our charted courses in recovery.

HEALING THROUGH WORDS

I can tick of the worst of my times today with some ease: Child sexual abuse, addiction, coming out, early recovery, prison, and then cancer. As I was going through some of the really bad times, I felt most alone. I thought that no one knew the pain and suffering I did. I look back today and wonder, How did I do it? and then I remember, Corey, you were never truly alone.

I had help, even in the worst of times. Even when it was only a letter, a kind comment from someone that cared, or some little something I read, it led me to not give up – not just yet. My mother was number one and still is and there is a long litany of “angels” who popped out of nowhere, and then those who were in the “fox hole” with me.

I also realize that as I was climbing out of my hole, helping others in this journey was a large part of helping myself. Be it in meetings and support groups, the mentoring and educating opportunities, or writing. These were a big part of not only enduring – but growing in the tough times. Taking the pain and turning it into gain. It sounds trite, but while I was going through it, I was becoming this person with a voice.

It was awkward at first, then I felt comfortable expressing myself in many ways. It grew slowly. At first, I could help individuals in a one-to-one situation or several people in therapy groups – and they were a sounding board as I kept trying to understand my unfolding life more clearly. Then people began asking me to speak at functions, like when I speak to At-Risk Youth. I was even recently asked to speak about prisoner re-entry at the National Legal Aid and Defender Conference in DC. My voice through the written word has been published in dozens of articles also effected change in a national way as I highlighted problems with the prison systems and the criminal justice system, or when I wrote about the life of a prisoner or about my recovery. My “voice” even won a precedent-setting lawsuit against the State of Kentucky for Abuse of Power and ended up in law and psychology journals.

So, my message to you is this: If you are hurting, EXPRESS IT. Find your voice. In doing so you are embarking on a journey of healing. Yourself and the others you meet who are on the same journey. You are never completely alone, and your attempts to express yourself as part of your own recovery – be it cancer, abuse, addiction, or even prison - are reaching others in numerous way. Your recovery can grow and grow in amazing ways through this process. You truly cannot imagine what good you will accomplish. Don’t try imagining – just begin the work today….. One word after another.

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Mr. Richardson is a Guest Speaker at The National Legal Aid and Defender Association's Centennial Conference 2011.

2011-12-11T06:22:00.000-08:00

Mr. Richardson, along with a government official and a NLADA board member, spoke at the prisoner re-entry workshop as part of NLADA's Centennial Conference. His talk was well received and he was approached by the State of Texas Indigent Defense Commission Executive Director, among others, to assist in some various projects for the new year. This is quite a feat - not only did Mr. Richardson try to engage hardened veterans in the field.... he has just completed a grueling year of cancer treatment. His talk focused on a prisoner's personal responsibility in the re-entry process. A Blue Print for Re-entry was created and offered to NLADA for approval as part of its corrections policy. This was a rewarding experience overall for Corey and this opportunity is only the beginning of trying to effect change with respect to an egregious system, which includes facilitating successful prisoner re-entry into society.

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Kennedy Center honors prison writers in competition - including Mr. Richardson

2011-09-23T01:21:00.000-07:00

GUMBO:

The Adaptation.

Screenplay

by

Corey John Richardson

former prisoner
coreyjohnrichardson@gmail.com

Characters:

Frankie Hart Male Prisoner (Alphons Dupart)
Etta Marquis Female Guard (Ms. Calhoun)

The stage is pitch black.
BANG!
The gunshot echoes as Frankie startles from sleep with an animal cry.
“Hey, keep it down.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Piece o’ shit.”
A panoply of voices comes from up and down death row along with a few men banging on the bars.
“Dammit, Frankie… Every night?” comes from an adjacent cell on the block.
A light opens on the center stage where Frankie in his prison cell on death row sits up on his metal cot. He coughs roughly. He is behind bars and there are cells on either side of his.
“God, I need a cigarette,” Frankie mutters as he seems to try to rub his face off of his head, exhausted and frustrated. He coughs again, this time deeply as if he were ill. “AAhhh, Fuck!”
A white female guard eases up to the cell, then suddenly taps a bar with a large key. “So, Frankie. Hard time?” Silence. “Getting to ya.”
“Listen rat, I …”
“Watch ya mouth.”
Frankie wonders how far to take this. Does he want trouble? “I hear ya.”
“What ya looking at Dupart…” asks the guard. The man in the next cell has moved near the bars and is filling his sleepy eyes with the female’s body.
Both men pull up against the bars so they can talk as the guard walks away. She knows they are watching her leave. They continue to stare down the hall as they talk.
“I hate that bitch,” mutters Frankie.
“Yeah, there is something she hates about you, but I love that ass.”
“Yeah,” Frankie chimes in sincerely and mostly as an afterthought. “Ya gotta cigarette over there? Al, I know you do.”
“No, man. Hitting bad.”
“Al, I smell smoke last night.”
“No, Frankie, I’s hitting bad. But catch this. See how’s she lookin’ in my cell like that? She may just wanna slip into the ol’ shower one day when Dupart is sudzing up the anaconda. No, I mean it. I watches her check me out. Don’t be su-prised none if Ms. Calhoun has a nice brown baby boy in 9 months.”
“It’s too early Alphons.”
“She seems to hate us, but those tha ones – I tell ya, those tha ones…” Dupart lies back down and Frankie weaves his fingers around the bars to face the audience.
“They do hate all us – no, not hate – despise. Look down their trailer park noses at our poor asses sitting here, year after year. Us hoping for a funckin’ miracle – hoping to just stay alive a few more years. But me…. Yeah. They get to dog hate me for real. They love to say I murdered some poor ol’ woman who never done no body no harm. Yeah, to these rats I’m a special treat. I’m no baby raper, but it takes a real special piece of shit to murder an ol’ defenseless woman.
“Even my public pretender as’d me, ‘Frankie, son, why?’ Why? Why what? That what ever’body in the whole wide world always as’: Why we here, why you do that, why not, why now?” Frankie scoffs. “Well, I always had to make my way. That’s why I did ever’thing I ever done. I got no breaks like the rest of these muthafuckas. Like you in ya nice comfortable seats, an’ ya full bellies, an’ya fat wallets. Sittin’ there while I scrapped each day to get by, and now sittin’ here year after year waitin’ to die.
“See, I had to claw my way up an out since the day I fell out of tha snatch. That’s why. Every dime, every red cent, they been hard to come by. First, I was a door shaker with my ma’s boyfriend when I was just thirteen. I ‘member I just got out of juevie for stabbing a boy in the eye - making fun of my shoes. We’d run ‘round to hotels and such, apartments, find an unlocked door and go to town taking all we’s could carry. ‘Fore long got caught and then right back to jail. By then I was on junk, oh sorry ya nice people...heroin.
“That first time back to the county was a bad time coming off the shit. Me, sweating and twisting and junk sick, an’ a bunch of old men looking at me like I was dinner… (mock tone) ‘Yeah, Sal, ain’t she sweet’ and such shit. So, from then on, I knew I was on my own, learned to spot the right places to hit, an’ always tried to keep a small bag of smack under my nuts ‘case I gets caught.
“‘Oh, ur a thief?’ Yeah. Most have more than they ever need anyway, and half don’t know it when it’s gone, no how. Sitting in a shed or dragging it round in tha back of their car year after year. An’ they just as crook’d as me. They wheel an’ deal an’ don’t pay their share, and know they can charge more than ya got. Then they talk interest, and fees, and some such shit – Well, I takes it. Now what? There’s ya interest.
“Yeah, it could have been sweet for ol’Frankie Hart. They could have treated Frankie like a man. Gave a little respect. But they kick ‘im ‘round and treat ‘im like a dog, then wonder why he robs. But ya don’t give a shit about that. Ya wanna know ‘bout tha ol’ woman. Well, I didn’t murder that ol’ woman. She was a good woman who gave, and gave, and gave, and didn’t ask for nothin’ but some kindness. No, she was nice lady. I would’ve kilt for that woman. I would’ve give my life for her.” He thinks about what he has said with a reflective pause.
As Frankie is about to move back to his bed to lie down, “Etta. Etta Marquis. What a name. That’s a showgirl name, not somebody’s gran. She had that sparkle still under all those years of living.”

Not far from the cell block, a light opens on an old woman. Prim in her Sunday Best blue gingham covered by a pressed white apron. She is rocking slowly by a table with a pill bottle. She seems at peace and yet there lies a spark in her – a secret smile. A laugh about to come forth. He voice is very polite and proper, but still creole, as she has a conversation with the audience:
“I always thought the same about my name. A little too flashy for me. I was no showgirl. No liquor runner’s wife. The boy said that and a mess ‘o nonsense that day, but he knew better. Sweet nonsense. And some sad nonsense too.
“Well, as a girl I was too careful to live it up. I married the first decent boy who asked me – that’s Marion, Sr. – and we lived a nice quiet life. Raised our children in the church, though like most today ya can’t tell none. Then, I buried my husband and waited for my time to come. An’ waited. But is was a long time a comin’. A real long time. I kept the house, ‘tended socials, kept the grandbabies, and still it didn’t come. Well, who woulda thought.” She smirks, “I wondered if I would go at all. It was such mighty long time.
“Then that last storm come. Ms. Katrina. Pretty name for such a mean storm. I was feelin’ so bad then. Well, it felt like Ms. Katrina was comin’ from inside ‘a me. Life had got so black and dark, an’ I goes to church an’ sing His praises, but it’s someone else be singing. My joys left long ago. Well, that storm come, an’ I knew my boy would come ‘round, an’ I thought, ‘Well, I won’t go. I seen storms my whole life. But this was a mighty bad storm an’ I knew they would make me. They’d go on an’ pack me up, an’ we’d go on up north a bit.
“But after I says no, well, that was that. They gone an’ left with the rest, an’ I knew it deep down in my bones, I got nobody. I don’t even have my boy no mo’.
“Well, child, I had ‘nough. Oh, I was mad. I saw ‘em drive away an’ I walked ‘bout the place a bit. I didn’t even know if I could sit down in my own home no mo’. Then I knows all I needs to. I put on my coat an’ went straight down to the drug sto’. That man at the counter don’t care none what he fills anyhow. I tells ‘im, ‘I want that strong stuff the young men get who wear their pants down low. He looks at me with this look, like ‘I know what you want, Ms. Etta.’ He knowed me all these years and knows I don’t play none with his kind, and jus’ said, “Yes ‘em. Pills or liquid?”
“I calmed down some, but the weather, she didn’t. I thought, ‘Etta, you don’t need to worry none ‘bout that bottle. No, the Lord’s done gone an’ seen a solution for all ya problems. No more loneliness, no more bills, no more worries none.’” She laughs a little harder than she should.
“But I weathered it like always. The water rose right up an’ covered the folks’ place ‘neath me. All the way up to where I could touch it from up right here.” She points to the window next to where she sits. “But then it stopped. I always told Marion, Sr., the stairs were no bother none. Up’s here keeps out the thievin’, but it keeps out that water too.
“So, here I is. It real quiet now. Never in all my days had this neighborhood been that quiet. I’s the only one here. I might hear a helicopter go over at night, but it’s just Etta now. An’ it gets so heavy on me. Why was I here? Not here in this house. But here in this world.” She draws a deep sad breath. Then near tears, she says with a quiver, “I pulls out a piece o’ paper an’ writes it all down. Let ‘em know why.
“An’ then I feel free. I says, ‘Etta, you is free now.’ Freer than a bird. Like how ya feel after a long day’s work done. It washes over me that day like Gulf out there washin’ on tha shore. I went ‘bout fixin’ my home jus’ right. Even though I had no water comin’ out tha faucet, I fixed myself up as if I had company a comin’ on Sunday.”
She takes a thoughtful breath, “An’ I figure I did in a way. I’s a good woman and the Lord would still come for Etta. He’d overlook my a leavin’ this way. Then I sits right here and hummed a few bars of hymns. My heart was right, an’ I had those pills all set. I was ready. I was just waiting for, well, I don’t knows what. A sign, or courage to say goodbye, or maybe my boy to come back in that door.
“Then I heared a noise coming in, an’ I thought, ‘Oh Thank God, It’s my boy come back for me,” she smiles, “an’ me ‘bout to take these here pills like an ol’ fool.
The face pinches up once again. “And there he was. Draggin’ the mud in on my clean rugs. Goin’ through my things. Takin’ my dead husband’s clothes even. I seen it ever’ time. The hurricanes come an’ tha power goes, an’ then they come out like roaches. Theiving ever-thing in sight. I says, ‘Etta, he’ll be gone in a minute, an’ you can get on with your bidness.”
In the back ground the light opens behind Etta onto Frankie in his blue jumpsuit. He is rummaging through a room in the old woman’s apartment. Under the mattress, the drawers, the closets. He finds a bright yellow Walkman. Apparently dissatisfied, he places it in his back pack nonetheless. He finds some men’s clothing which he puts on, though they are ill-fitting. The lights dim on that room as he moves to the next room. Etta’s room. He searches the room with no luck. Disappointed, he moves into the living area to where Etta sits with her eyes closed. He is quietly startled and looks to make his escape.
“Don’t need to be quiet now. I heard ya when ya opened the door,” she says calmly and with the authority that comes from age.
“Hey, gran, you heard me, huh? Ya hear pretty good for someone so old. Now, I’m not gonna hurt you or nuthin’. Just here to look ‘round a little, and then I’ll be gone.”
“Wastin’ your time, boy. Ever’body’s done gone but me, and there ain’t nuthin’ here worth takin’. Was I you, I’d on down to Magazine Street maybe where the water didn’t get in. Ya fit in better over there. You so lily white, the cops see ya down here they gonna know ya up to somethin’.”
“Look, Gran, I don’t mean ya no harm. I just… “
“You a thief, boy, and theivin’ always means harm, so don’t go lyin’ to me like that. I’m too damn old, and I’ve heard all tha stories from people a lot better than you. So, why don’t ya go ahead and take what ya want and get out of here and let me be. I got things to do.” Her eyes turn toward the table with the pills and the envelope.
Frankie edges closer to the old woman and then grabs the pill bottle, studies it. “Goddamn, Gran. I don’t know what sickness ya got, but it must be a monster if they give ya straight reds for it.”
“This is my house, boy. And I won’t hear the Lord’s name taken in vain. You hear me. Ya do what you want to me, but ya watch your tongue.” She pauses as the man takes this in. “Ya probably going’ to hell anyway, but I don’t wanna hear that kind of talk. An’ don’t ya worry none ‘bout what’s wrong with me.”
“Okay, Gran. I’m sorry. I just got outta jail, and I’m not used to bein’ ‘round people yet. I haven’t seen any of these here in a long while.” He places the bottle back on the table and quickly snatches the envelope as Etta makes a feeble attempt to prevent him. With a tinge of sarcasm, Frankie asks, “Ya got a little cash in here, Gran? That it? That why ya got so grabby all a sudden.”
Impatiently, Etta replies, “Ain’t got no money in here, boy. I done told you. What ya got there is private ‘tween me an’ family. That’s all.”
“Let’s jus’ see what we got. Old as ya is, you might have stuck a few dollars in here and forgot all about it.” Frankie pulls out the letter. Slowly the lights dims on all but Etta.
Her harshness softens as she speaks to the audience with a half smile, “Rotten that boy. Wanderin’ in here, an’ then all of a sudden I felt like he needed a momma. Maybe I needed a son. Well, anyhow, Lost. That’s what he was. An’ I don’t mean he need directions none. His soul was lost. Just plain lost. Now, there’s a good heart in there…if ya can find it.” The old woman lightly chuckles. “But I could tell that he cared. Tha way he read that note I left to my boy about wanting to go ahead, leave this world. Well, that thievin’ boy even cried a tear. Sure ‘nuff, that tear was for his self, but it started with Etta.”
From off stage, Frankie’s voice reads, “I am tired and alone and I feel like stranger on this earth.”
Etta sits quietly looking at the window as her own words wash over her.
Me too, Gran. Me too.” Frankie now asks, “So, they just left you here all alone?”
The light fades on Etta as she sadly looks out the window.
The light opens back on Frankie in his cell again with his jumpsuit on by the bars. “I can’t believes I cried that day. It touched me. I’s this horrible person out there taking from ever’body, spent most my life in jails and prison, and there they are, these fine, upstanding folk who abandon this poor sweet woman like she was a dog.”
Frankie’s voice grows more agitated as he continues. “She wipes their asses, feeds ‘em, clothes ‘em, work hard all her life to make a way for ‘em. And what for? To be dumped like trash. And I’s the bad guy? There’s the crime for ya, and still out there like they tha victims. Ha!”
Frankie quiets. “Yeah. That old woman. Heart of gold. If I had had a granny like that growing up, my life woulda been different. I wouldn’t ever leave her like that. An’ they call me trash.
“How ya ‘member a day like that for always. It stays with you. You can’t wash it off. Ya go ‘bout your day and ya act the same. And maybe ya is the same. I don’t know. But ya changed too. It’s inside ya. That one day changed ever’thing. It marks ya.
“Ahh. I don’t know what I am saying. I guess I’m saying I ‘member that day all the time. It became more me than my own name.
“And that woman, she didn’t just say – Get out, boy – she weren’t scared none. She was lonely. She wanted me there. I heared it in her voice. An’ she kept talking to me like I existed. Well, shit, nobody talks to Frankie Hart like that. Nobody decent. It’s been ‘Stand here, Hart.’ Or ‘Where you goin’?’ or ‘ Hey, boy, what you up to?’
“Yeah, only one other person ever wanted Frankie ‘round: Mrs. Nagel. She was the best teacher in the world. Cared for a boy, didn’t whip ‘im or talk down to ‘im like some poor bastard. Yeah, I screwed that up too when I stabbed that little fucker for laughin’ at me.” Frankie takes a sigh. “Hope some S.O.B. stabbed out his other eye.”
“Chow!” The guard rolls the trays down the walk stopping at each cell to pass the meals. Alphons and Frankie wait at the bars. She fills their juice cups as well. After giving Alphons his juice and moving toward Frankie, her demeanor grows a little harder. Her face pinches and her voice gains an acidity to it. “Hart. Got ya favorite. Liver. Yeah, knows ya love liver.”
Hart is motionless as she fills the juice cup.
“Come on, Hart. Take it.”
“What’s your problem with me?” Hart barks as he grabs the bars.
“What? What’d ya say?” She talks to Frankie like she would a child. Clearly the guard is ready for this fight. Itching to tell Frankie what she thinks about him, though it breaks all the rules.
“Your problem?” Frankie asks again.
“I got no problem with you.” She quickly gains some control of herself now confident that she will finally get to tell him what she thinks - if he will only pull it out of her.
“Yeah, ya do. Everyday you gotta say something to me. I’s no different than any other man on this walk.”
She jumps on these words quickly. “Yes, you are. They kilt for somethin’. Not you, Hart. Actin’ so high an’ mighty behind these bars when ya’s nuthin’ but a piece of scum. Yeah. I gotta problem with ya. We all got a problem with ya. I knows ya case. What ya did to that poor woman.” She pauses and begins again.
“Ya kilt that ol’ woman for nuthin’. Nuthin’ at all, but to kill her.” Then her voice grows cold and sarcastic. She has waited years to tell Frankie what she thinks. Had it all planned out. Now is her chance. “What kinda man kills an ol’ defenseless woman? We all thought we knowed you all these years. In and out of prison, year-in, year-out. Sure, we knowed ya no good like the rest. Worthless, just like tha rest. Yeah, you a thief. Thievin’s wrong, but just an’ shiftless thief.
“But, no. We had ya all wrong. You is dirt, Hart. Dirt. Kilt an ol’ woman fer nuthin’. That’s a special low-down. Now, keep it up. Say somethin’ else to me. Go on. Jus’ one more word, an’ so help me I will have back-up run in on you so hard that ya won’t a tooth left in ya mouth.”
Frankie doesn’t say word. He knows that she is dead serious about having him injured by the male guards. They both stand motionless on either side of the bars.
“Ya want this liver or not.”
“You eat it.”
As the guard wheels away, Alphons jumps from the shadow of his cell. “No. No. No. Frankie grab that shit and give it ta me. Ahhhhh, damn, my brother. My stomach’s on my back.” Alpons finishes a bite of bread in his hand.
Alphons continues, “So, Frankie. Why did ya do it? I always wanted to know. I bet that old woman was sittin’ on a stack of money an’ wouldn’t give it up. It’s buried out there. I’s right, huh?”
“No. No money.”
“What? Jewelry then? Somethin’?”
“No. Alphons. Nuthin’.”
“Ya mean ya murdered that ol’ woman fo’ nuthin’?”
Angrily and suddenly Frankie barks back, “I didn’t murder that woman – ya hears – I didn’t murder her.”
“Oh. Was it an accident then? Gun just went off?”
“No. No accident.” Frankie is obviously still irritated, but calming down as he sees the guard look up from her table.
Alphons drops his voice. “Nobody kills an ‘ol woman fo’ no reason.”
“Yeah, you’re right. There’s always a reason,” but the words are barely a whisper.
““Well, is it something else?”
“Fuck off, Alphons,” Frankie says dismissively.
“The word is ya told ‘em you done it when tha got ya. I mean, ya hardly denied it. Now, ya here on death row with the res’ of us. I mean, we gotta chance, but Frankie… ya time is up.”
“I know it. I wished I cared more. Ya see,… no reason to go on anyway. I mean what’s the point. I got no life. Never had. Never had love. Not even from my momma. Some just knows that there’s none of it for ‘em, and see it’s best to move on.”
“Man, what’s you talkin’ ‘bout? That’s crazy talk. Love. I could always buy love, and in the mornin’ just keep movin’. ” Alphons walks back to his rack, his voice fades as he weaves some lie about his sexual conquests. Frankie looks over at a light opening upon Etta in her rocking chair.

“Love did move on, and Ol’ Etta wanted to moves on also,” the old woman chimed as the light begins to fade on Frankie’s cell. “Seemed like ever’ passing year, I growed more and more tired, likes I coulda just lied in bed all day long, but couldn’t get no real rest to ease this soul of mines. I always said, ‘Etta, you’s still got your family, an’ that boy of yours. He’s a good boy. You gotta be here in this world for ‘em. Well, when they left, it was done.”
From out of the dark, Frankie’s voice begins again as he walks toward Etta and then sits in a ladder-back chair opposite her dressed in her husband’s clothes. “They just left ya here all alone? Your own son just packed everybody up and hauled ass and left ya here, with no money, no food, no nothin’?” He embarrassingly wipes a tear from his eye.
Etta nods, now eager to tell her story to someone – even this thief. “Day after tha storm hit. As’d me once if I wanted to go, but I said this was my home and I wasn’t leavin’. Marion, that’s my son, he threatened to carry me down the stairs, buy Jeanette, that’s his wife, she told him to just leave me be. Said I was old and tough enough to do what I wanted. Took the children and drove off on Monday.”
“And they left, just like that?” Frankie looks down again at the letter. “And drove up to Baton Rouge?”
“Guess so. The phone ain’t been on none since.”
“But they promised to come back for ya.”
Etta sits back now and folds her hands in her lap. “That’s what they said. But I could sees somethin’ else in they eyes. They ain’t gonna come back. Don’t matter now anyhow.” Etta’s voice hardens, “‘Preciate it if you’d just put that back where ya got it and go on with your stealin’and leave me alone.” Etta closes her eyes and lays her head back on her chair’s cushion.
He spies the ring on her finger and drops the letter on the floor. “Goddamn, gran,” he says softly as he eyes the simple gold wedding ring on her finger. She opens her hand for him to take the ring.
“The ring’s all’s I got left.”
Frankie is checking the inside of the ring as the light fades on the two and opens onto Alphons’ cell.
“Hey. Frankie. Keep it down over there. Ya hear me. Ya doin’ it again. Makin’ all that noise. Some of us tryin’ to get some sleep ‘fore they stick tha needle in.”
The light widens a little to show Frankie’s cell also. “What time is it?” asks Frankie, but we can’t see his face yet.
“Hell, I don’t know. About five or so in the morning. I heard the chow cart down on the other walk. You been going all night. Thought you had a whole mess of folks over there, the way you be talkin’ to yourself. I can’t sleep no ways. Gotta visit from my girl today.”
“Yeah. Must be nice.” Frankie eases up to the bars.
“Don’t ya have nobody?”
“No. Have no idea where my ma is.” Frankie wipes his eyes and awakens a little. “She wouldn’t come see me if she were ‘round no how. Never came to see me even when I’s in juvie.”
“My people like that too. Couldn’t spare a nickel when I got locked up, but sho’ nuff when I’s out there, ‘Alphons, boy, help ya mamma with this, help ya uncle move again, come take care ‘a that boy next do’ bothering, ya po’ mamma .’ Oh, yeah. Everybody need somethin’ then.”
Frankie weakly smiles.
“Now, this one I gots now. She a winner. Oh, man. She got an ass on her. Let me tell ya. She got a mess ‘a snotty kids, one half-white. Still she brings ‘em all down. They run all over and dirty up the glass, drop food on tha flo’. Tha guard always tell her, ‘Maam, quiet those kids. Keep them off those chairs. Miss, we can’t have none of that.’ Ha. I love to see it, but I can’t talk to my girl much over the noise and a runnin’.”
“Never met a girl I’d keep no how, an’ no chance now.”
“Well, you never know. Appeals go through sometimes, even in Louisiana.”
“Not mine. You know it and I know it.”
“Man, Frankie. Ya didn’t try to cover it up none. I mean ya did it, didn’t ya?”
Frankie looks up suspiciously. Although Alphons can’t see his neighbor, the pause in the conversation says it all.
“Never mind. I don’t mean ya have to tell me nuthin’. Hell, we all innocent, right?”
“Listen. I tol’ ya. She was a fine ol’ woman and I woulda never have hurt her. I mean, she showed me a little kindness and she deserved more than this world gave her.”
The guard is nearby with a pad of paper writing down something, but as she overhears the conversation she abruptly interrupts. “You mean she deserved more than you gave her. Don’t play games and expect the res’ of us to buy it. Ya murdered that woman for a cheap ring and some old clothes. I know it, her family knows, and you know it. The papers told it all. Alphons here may buy this – I cared about that woman nonsense – but we know the truth. Don’t we, Hart.”
“Listen, you don’t know shit about it.”
“I know enough. I know they didn’t offer you a deal because they had you. I know the papers said you had her wedding ring and her husband’s clothes. The bullet was in that poor woman from a gun you stole. Still had the gun when they caught ya, didn’t ya? I know that. Say you’re not a murderer. Well, you’re a liar. Ya murdered her.” The guard, disgusted, turns her back and walks away.
“No. It wasn’t like that,” calls out to her.
“Yeah. Ms. Calhoun. I have been talking to Frankie fo’ months now. I can tell. He liked that ol’ lady. It’s not just loose rap.”
Now, she is getting visibly irritated as she turns back around. “I know exactly what he is. Jus’ another man ‘fraid a’ dyin’ an’ trying to save his skin. I seen it, again and again. All this innocence and regret and I’m such an angel. That’s how ya are on death row. Writin’ people all over. I’s innocent as a babe. Done nuthin’ to no one. You this way the first day on the death row an’ ya this way on tha last. An’ your last is comin’ soon, Hart. I bet that poor old woman was ‘fraid when ya took her life. But she don’t get no second chances now like you want. Do she? Big man with a gun. Made ya feel like a man to kill that poor thing. Didn’t it?”
Frankie is visbly shaken. “Ya don’t know the first thing ‘bout it.” The words creak out like an old rusty door.
“Oh, don’ I? I work here goin’ on near fifteen year, and I seen it all. Tears, and ‘I’s sorry’, and, ‘Why can’t I have a few more minutes to say goodbye to my people.’ Well, none of ya feel bad. Ya got caught’s all.” She pauses and adds sarcastically, “Got ya Bible handy in that cell, do ya? Found God, all a’ sudden.”
Frankie bursts out, “No, I ain’t found God. And He ain’t found me. All’s I found in this world is worthess sons-o-bitches like you who live off misery and see bad wherever ya look. That’s all I’s ever seen in this world. And you don’t know shit about me. I didn’t murder that woman – her family did. The people about her who saw her every day and left her to die. They did. People like you, did who think they so perfect, but don’t care a bit about no one but themselves.”
Alphons confused tries to break in. “What ya mean, Frankie? Someone else kilt that ol’ woman after ya left? Ya found her dead.”
The guard practically spits at Frankie. “Her family??? I heared many a story of innocence, but never this one. Her family? Her neighbors? They kilt her? People like me? That supposed to save ya?”
“I don’t wanna be saved.”
The guard overwhelmed, leaves.
“Ya didn’t kill her. I knows ya didn’t. Everyone knows Frankie. Railroaded. I knows it. Railroaded ya, huh? Probably beat the confession outta ya.”
Frankie doesn’t respond to Alphons, but stares off toward the area of the stage where Etta has been. “I knows what I did. Look at us now, Gran.” The light opens on her as it fades on the walk, but Frankie can still be heard talking. “Makes you wonder, doesn’t it, Gran, what’s the use? I mean, you bust your ass all those years, raisin’ kids and taking care of ever-thin’. Ya ain’t got much of a house here, but at least it’s yours, and ya made it nice, and then off they go, leavin’ ya like ya were dirty laundry and promisin’ to come back when they knew it was a lie. It’s like nobody really cares what ya think ‘bout nothin’.”
Frankie steps out of the dark in the ill-fitting clothes once again and places his hand on Etta’s rocker. “When I was in school… well, I didn’t last too long, but I ‘member this one teacher I had, name of Nagel. Well, all the other teachers I had used to tell me how dumb I was, always getting’ in trouble and not doin’ my homework, stupid shit that I knew I’d never use in the real world. So, Ms. Nagel she pulled me up and didn’t tell me nuthin’. She asked me what I thought ‘bout things and what I wanted to do. Ya believe that, Gran? A teacher who actually asked and gave a fuck what a kid thought?
“’Scuse me, Gran. Didn’t mean to cuss. All the jail time, you know. Plus, I ain’t used to bein’ ‘round ladies.” He takes his seat on the ottoman beside Etta. “So, that’s what ya are for me, Gran, believe it or not. Right now. Sure, you’re nearly dead and all, but ya showed me somethin’, an’ in your way, ya asked me somethin’, too.”
“Didn’t ask you nothin’, boy. Already knows all I needs ‘bout white trash like you.”
“Don’t know, do ya? Well, I’ll tell ya. Ya sorta as’d me the same question ya as’d that no-good ‘scuse of a son: why bother to keep on goin’ if ya life ain’t nuthin’ but a big, black sinkhole that’s suckin’ ya under all the time like some undertow out there in the Gulf, and it’s all ya can do to grab onto the edges with ya goddamn fingernails to keep from fallin’ in? That’s what ya as’d me. And ya know what, Gran? Ya gonna show the bastards, by God. I mean, ya got them pictures a King an’ Jesus in ya bedroom, but when get right down to it, just like we are now, ain’t neither of ‘em gonna help either you or me. Ain’t no damn body gonna help us, an’ that’s why we gotta do things for ourself.”
Frankie picks up the pill bottle and examines it again. “Yeah, you gonna show ‘em, alright. Ya show ‘em, people like us, we don’t need nobody, an’ when we’s get ready to check out, cain’t nobody stop us. This’ll give ‘em somethin’ think about.”
Etta just stares at Frankie as she continues to ever-so-slightly rock. Frankie picks the letter off the floor, places it back in the envelope, and with the pill bottle puts it back on the table beside Etta. He then walks to the kitchen, finds some liquor and two shot glasses in a cabinet, and brings them back into the living room. Frankie sets one glass on the table beside Etta and fills it, then sits on the ladder back chair across from her. He then reaches into his back pack and pulls out the thirty-eight.
“I like your style, Gran, but there’s a problem. Wouldn’t work your way, the way ya got it planned right now. Goin’ out like that wouldn’t make ya kin hurt tha way they need to hurt for leavin’ ya like this. They figure ya ol’, and killin’ yourself was tha natural thing to do, sorta tha way they expected when they pulled out.”
After reflecting, Frankie continues, “That’s what ol’ people do, ya know? Like they don’t wanna be a burden. Leaves tha family with a clear conscience, like they really didn’t have nuthin’ to do with it. But there’s another way, see? How I sees it, this other way means they gotta live with leavin’ ya here all’s by yourself. That’s the difference, Gran. Ya got the right idea about makin’ ‘em hurt, but ya just didn’t go far enough.
“What happens if ya didn’t do it yourself, but somebody else did it to ya? Ya see what I mean? That will give ‘em the right knda hurt for the rest of their lives, because tha papers and tha TV and everybody who knows ‘em won’t ever let ‘em forget , ‘specially when they catch me and I tells ‘em ‘bout how I found ya by yourself and helpless and all after ya family done run off and left ya.”
With seriousness, Etta points at the gun. “What about you and what ya got to live with?”
Silence. And then from Frankie, a whisper. “It’s so bad now. I could tell ya ‘bout that time over in Mobile, tha time I really needed some money and what I had to do to get it, but it don’t matter none what I did. Not now.”
“It always matters, boy,” Etta softly pleads. “You sayin’ it don’t change it.”
Frankie dismisses the comment with a look and a slight wave of the hand. “Ya know, Gran, me and you got a lot in common. Bet ya never stole nuthin’ in ya whole life or shot dope, but we still kin in a way. See, I got nobody who gives a good goddamn ‘bout me neither, and sure ‘nuff wanna make some people hurt in this world.”
“Ain’t ‘bout somebody else’s pain, boy,” Etta softly offers. “It’s ‘bout your own. That’s what I’m tryin’ to tell ya. It’s about bein’ alone with everything behind ya, an’ nothin’ in front o’ ya. You the one got it wrong.”
Frankie shrugs. “Maybe. Seems to me like you and me both pretty much fucked up. I got nuthin’ and nobody ‘cept this gun, and nuthin’ to look forward to ‘cept getting’ dope sick and lookin’ for somethin’ to steal or sell.
“Here’s to you, Gran, I owe ya one,” Frankie says a little too cheerily as he drinks a toast. Etta ignores her drink and continues to look at Frankie expectantly.
Frankie continues, “I’ll always ‘member that part ‘bout havin’ nuthin’ in front o’ ya, an’ nuthin’ behind. [You and Mrs. Nagel best teachers I ever had.]” Frankie raises the gun and aims directly at Etta. The lights go out and the gun blasts and then echoes.
The sound is quickly followed by a smattering of angry voices on the death row walk and some banging on the bars.
“Hey!”
“Fuck, Hart, keep it down!”
“Goddamn it, Hart!”
Alpons calls over, “You a’right, Frankie. Hey, Frankie, you a’right?”
The light opens on a shadow of man in Frankie’s darkened cell with his head in his hands.”

The End

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Throwing Stones... For Anonymous

2011-08-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

Throwing Stones
“What in the world were you thinking?” “Looking what you’ve done now.” “How could you?” “What is wrong with you anyway?”
Does any of this sound familiar? I heard these and many others far worse. All lobbed at me from friends, family, that little voice inside my head which may have been a conscience, and, yes, the Law. Each morning, year after year, as I would pry one eye open and survey the damage - and not always from the vantage point of my own bed - I would try to put all the pieces together. Some years were worse than others, but inexorably I would pile wreckage upon wreckage. With each new day, I would muddle through till that first evening's drink gave the illusory clearing away of my past, every problem, and all my shortcomings. I couldn’t see that every drink I threw back was just another brick used to wall me into my own prison of guilt and shame.
Eventually, beaten and broken, physically and spiritually, I had enough. Early sobriety required a bit of focused self-concern. I had been a self-absorbed jerk for the majority of my life, therefore I thought I could handle it... until the Pink Cloud of new sobriety dissipated and my vision cleared enough to see the truth of my life. That hurt like never before. Worse than any hangover. This is the time when many of us decide to head out to the liquor store, but by some miracle a voice inside said, “Stick it out.” I figured that "just this one time" I would do what I was told by those in the program who seemed to have pulled their lives together. They said, and you already know the drill, “90 in 90, then regular meetings; sponsorship; read the Big Book; service; and work the steps with complete honesty, especially the inventory. I began this simple plan over a decade ago and try to work it the same way today.

The Inventory: Sobriety isn’t just the story of one person’s journey. It is a trek that implicitly includes everyone around us. Those we’ve harmed directly or indirectly, as well as those we love. How many inventories have I done over the years? Well, I couldn’t begin to count, but I remember that I had to be corralled that first time by my “Old Timer” sponsor. The place was set: a local coffee shop. I arrived with my hurriedly scribbled inventory in hand loath to review the chaos of my past. It was a lousy attempt, but I showed up and I got through
it. Though I didn’t understand why this was such a pivotal part of my program at the time, the years have opened up to me a new appreciation for this essential aspect of sobriety. Today, I am the one trying to corral my sponsor for a little bit of time to go over my inventory. My sponsor and I still meet over the “time—honored” cup of coffee, but for years it was at a literal prison in its visiting room; not the figurative prison that held me years ago before sobriety.
I believe the change that I’ve seen on my sponsor’s face over the years during our “mini—AA meetings” has something to do with me. Her face seems to say, I think he is getting it. As the years have passed by I felt a certain depth to my sobriety. The program became part of whom I am, and imperceptibly it gave to me a life of fulfillment that I could have never expected. This I carried away from the meetings, and yet it is always inextricably woven to the 12 steps and our AA community. It allowed for a maturity and a peace of mind to flourish in me in the seemingly worst of circumstances. It was a few years into my prison term when I realized the most important truth of my life: The worst day in prison sober is always better than my best day in the “free world” drunk — every single time, no doubt whatsoever. This is not a testament to me, but to the power of this simple program.
As you can imagine, there is a special place on my gratitude list for the inventory. An inventory shines light on one’s alcoholic past and yet in doing this, it gives direction for a sober future. Don't think that after you complete one you can simply bundle up all of your past mistakes, toss them into a cardboard box, and store them in the attic. You must keep them in your heart at all times. These discoveries and reflections become a guiding light for the road ahead. A North Star.. And just as ancient mariners had to constantly look up into the night’s sky to guiding constellations in their journeys across the dark seas, the inventory must be reviewed periodically as it guides us forward as well.

Today, I know that I am truly sorry to those that I have harmed. No one can turn back time and change the past, but I do hope that in sobriety I have been able to help a few others like myself while attempting to right my own life. It certainly is never too late to take “the next right step.” After you get and stay sober people may still “throw stones” at you and any good you try to accomplish. I know. They throw plenty at me still. Stones from only yesterday, and some from many years ago. In my mind, they have every right. They could never know, nor would ever believe, the remorse that I feel. How could they? I have tried to amend my life as much for them as for myself. These stones which they throw are not empty accusations; they are in large my past wrongs and numerous shortcomings, and they guide my inventory work. I call these Inventory Stones. I have gathered many. Most do when they get honest with themselves.
These stones which cut, also heal. These stones I have gathered weigh me down for awhile, but also strengthen my legs for the journey ahead. These stones though painful have prodded me onward when the road became steep and tortuous. Through rigorously working my program, I have continuously worn away these rough and varied stones as a labor of love. A love which I am only just beginning to understand. They have become companions to me as real as any others in my life, and have given to me new meaning to the words “touch stones.” As hard to bear as some may be, I never let one out of my sight. They have come to me at great cost. In this way, these stones have been transformed. They have been worn smooth and polished into precious gems and for me they are much more valuable than actual gems, such as diamonds or rubies. As you see, it was in this process of changing them that I was changing myself the entire time.

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