Cornucopia of Life

People Pleaser

2019-08-09T14:02:00.003-07:00

“Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner” - Lao Tzu

Have you heard of the ‘Magnetic Hill’ phenomenon in the Indian province of Ladakh? There is a certain stretch of road on the Srinagar-Leh highway that appears to be going uphill. If you close your ignition on your car while on this uphill road, it will strangely start moving forward, instead of backward (downhill). This strange road defies gravity, but in reality is an optical illusion! The landscapes surrounding the road are sloped in such a way that the road appears to be going uphill. In fact, many magnetic hills all around the world defy logic.

A reflection of life. Reality is sadly, different from perception.

Let me explain with a story.

There was once a wise man who had constant complainers coming to him. One of them said that he was tired of making others happy, but still kept doing it. The wise man, listened day in and day out, with a gentle smile on his face.

One day, he told the man a joke and the man roared with laughter. The next day, he told him the same joke, and the man laughed a little. The day after he repeated the same joke, and the man smiled in respect. Finally, after a week of listening to the same joke, the man’s patience gave in and he could not laugh anymore.

The wise man smiled and said, “You can’t laugh at the same joke again and again, can you. So why do you insist on crying over the same problem? You are tired of making people happy, because you are unhappy. Change your story. You will change the consequences”.

One of the greatest upheavals in life is caused by just one emotion. Fear.

Both fear of the known and unknown. Our lives run with an undercurrent of fearful thoughts such as fear of rejection, loneliness, status and so on. These very fears breed into our sense of lack of control and downright helplessness. And this fuels certain needless decisions, that might not achieve what we want and create far-reaching ripples of havoc across different lives.

The fear is in our heads. The reality is far deeper and different. Yet we need to “feel safe.” And we continue on this path, creating chaos for ourselves and others.

Now I am not going to dwell too much here, or else this blog will never end. But today I want to touch upon a common fear many of us suffer from and succumb to. In fact, it has been termed as a disease without a clinical terminology, even though it borderlines personality disorders. It causes chronic stress, which can lead to a myriad of ailments. What am I referring to?

The ‘people pleasing’ syndrome.

The nameless disease that has plagued thousands, without most of them even knowing it. We may suffer from it in different doses, but many have trodden down this downhill path. And seeing a mirage of paradise on earth, keep lingering on, with a false sense of hope.

It is said people pleasers run on one dire need. A need to gain approval or appreciation from others. Usually this need to please, stems from the core of low self-worth or lack of confidence. People try and find their resounding sense of self from others, as they go out of their way to help them in order to feel better about themselves. In their terminology, they are being “nice” and “good”, but this is just a dark shadow over the truth. They need validation for what they do. So bending over backwards, to get that, is almost an act of desperation. A sad state of affairs.

Psychologists say that our behavior may be characterized by the stimulants we want in life. Extroverts need more caffeine as stimulants than an introvert, for example. The people-pleaser runs on an adrenaline rush for a unique stimulant - Unbelievably, the subconscious need to be controlled by others.

In a strange mental game that plays out, they seek approval through yessing their way to insanity. They let others take advantage of them, manipulate them and use them as they wait passively for approval. Often, they are belittled, abused, pressured, hurt and run over.

This so called “control attachment” as they long for others to appreciate them and grant them their self-worth, almost like an addiction. However, in their own minds, they are just being nice beings, though they are sabotaging their own needs for others.

What they call love, is nothing but opening themselves up to mere physical and emotional abuse. What they call control, is nothing but being an object for a bully.

And do you know what the saddest part is? No one respects them for their niceness. It is seen as being naive and the trait of the weak. What is the use for all the sacrifices, if it is not seen in its purity.

To me, people-pleasers have a little confusion about boundaries. They dwindle on the plains of the extreme ends of the scale.

I feel life is about winning the balance marathon at every moment. Any tipping of the scale, and you will be dealing with strange consequences. Learning the fine lines between the positive and negative, is a lifelong learning. But you have to first be open to it.

That is why I want to make one thing clear here. This blog is for both sides of the spectrum. The Victims (or the people pleasers) and the Bullies (or the ones that take advantage of them). You know who you are. If you are grateful for being helped by the ones who go out of their way for you, then there is some saving grace. But to take their sacrifices as your birthright, makes you nothing more than a bully. And to me, such characters are no more than empty shells with masks. You have a lot of soul searching to do, to really understand what your purpose is.

Using others mercilessly to get what you want, is a narcissistic tendency that will eventually leave you lonely, empty and unfulfilled. And no medicine or wealth factor can cure that illness.You have a bigger responsibility than the weak ones who please you. You enable them. You make them feel worthless and subservient to your needs. It's really not worth living life like this. Think about it.

To the weak people pleasers, looking for affection and just not having the strength to be who you are, its time you woke up for yourself. Allow yourself some relief. Give yourself some of “your time” too. Some tips to help you recover from this pleasing illness.

· Personal Project. Do you have one?

Question. If I told you that you had only one month to live, what would you want to leave behind as a token to yourself? What is that one thing you really wanted to take time out to do? Your very own personal project to make some ripples of change in this world. Is it writing a book, joining a charity, planting trees or touring the world? Whatever it is. Ask yourself and the answer will come.

Take baby steps and firstly, write it down somewhere. Slowly expand it as a vision board, with pictures and points that you work on daily, to try to make your thoughts a reality. Ask for help with the ones who genuinely care, and take out time from your day for it. You will steer your ship gradually towards your own goals. Start talking about it with others, and soon you will find out that many you had time for, won't have time to hear you out or maybe even help. It will hurt to feel rejected. You will feel a sense of betrayal. Wipe your tears. Carry on anyway. Before you know it, you will be creating something that you had suppressed for so long. Start today. Take out that piece of paper and write down your life’s personal project. If you like, you can share it in the comments box below in the blog. You are being listened to. There is space for your dreams too.

· Choice. Choice. Choice.

The usual excuse for people pleasers? “ I had no choice”. Its easier to say yes, than stand up for yourself. If saying no is not easy, try and buy yourself time. Procrastinate on your reply and take time to reply. There is no rush. Once you determine that you could be using that time on other priorities, it will be easier to wriggle out of it.

Love yourself again. You are perfect as you are.

I read something wise somewhere. Rivers do not drink their own water. Plants don't eat their own fruit. Likewise we need each other to grow ourselves. Reach out to the ones who genuinely care for you. Seek help and comfort. You were not given life to constantly give away your energy to others. Find your support group and have a healthy balance of help, support and care instead of a one- sided leeching away. You will feel happier and lighter about yourself.

Authenticity is your passport to recovery.

Stop trying to be someone you are not. Even if you become the one people want you to be, it will come with a high price to pay - The death of you. You are unique and have a valuable contribution to make in this world, that no one can. It is meant for only you. Don't live life based on others feelings and dreams for you. You have your own. Respect them. Be true to them. Start pleasing your own dreams and aspirations. You are worthy too. Write that down somewhere and read it to yourself day and night. “I am worthy of love and respect”. Good changes will start happening. You will see.

Control tower of happiness.

With self-acceptance, comes another bigger responsibility to yourself. Your happiness. When you set on the path of recovery, you will feel the old trigger, pulling you to go back to the old ways of pleasing others. Almost like an addiction. In order to hold yourself back, understand that there are other sources of happiness and peace, than just placing yourself out in the open for others. This does not mean that you stop helping the ones in need. It only means to understand the boundaries of truly helping or being used. Create your own happiness and understand, that the only one with the remote is you yourself. You are in charge of your control tower of happiness. No one else gets that position in your life but you. Think about it.

This new path will be difficult, but that is where your adventure will begin. This is where you begin befriending your best friend. You, yourself. Reminds me of a poem by Erin Hanson which I read recently and want to share with you. Read it again and again and think about how finding yourself is the best gift you can give yourself.

The moment that you’ve been knocked down,

is the moment that it counts,

and the moment that you’ve lost yourself,

is the moment that you’re found,

you can see the world much clearer,

when your eyes are filled with tears,

the only way to not be afraid,

is to learn to face your fears,

you’re not really afraid of the dark,

you’re afraid of a lack of light,

and it’s a fear of falling,

when you say you’re scared of heights,

the only reason you know you’re sad,

is because you’ve been happy before,

you may say the world’s an ugly place,

but you’re only seeing the view from your door.

This beautiful special life was not given to you to chase mirages of happiness. You do not need anyone’s approval to feel good enough. Despite all your efforts, whenever, you are rejected, mistreated, belittled, judged or abandoned by others, it hardly shows anything about you. It shows more about their own insecurities, small heart, limited mindset and short sightedness. So hold your heart firm, and dust off the memories.

Stand up. Breathe. Simply start again.

Life will now not be the same again. It will not be easy, but it will get better. I assure you. You will see rejection. You will no longer be friends with certain people. Many of your “close ones” will abandon you and you will endure betrayal at its most extreme. But you will have the most precious gift given to you. Your self-respect and esteem. The friends and family who do stay with you in this new story are your true support group. Cherish them. They are a blessing. And if there isn’t any, you will eventually find the ones who will do.

The mirage is no more. The ‘people pleaser’ has to be slayed. See the world as it is. Do not let anyone take advantage of your good nature. Heal yourself from the people pleasing sickness and transform your life, before “you let” others kill the “real you”. There will never be a better time. This world is waiting for the real you to shine. The door is open. The stage is set. Hands are raised, ready to applaud you. Just take the first step. Change your life story today.

Remember, You always had the power inside. You just have to find it yourself. And ceasing to be the People Pleaser.

Sense of Accomplishment & Elation

2015-10-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

There is a deep sense of gratification which comes to someone when they arrive at a node which they have somehow kept buried at a very primordial level.
We sense this when you dream of an event which concurs a reality.

We magnify on the fortitude of one's senses and analyse the stages at a dimensional level. Not to overpower the statement, however when one feels overwhelmed by an event, he does emote to the highest possible emotional state. Mostly these states are conniving and are damn confusing, however from an introspective perception, the emotions do make sense.

How do you beautify a dream which metamorphosis into a being !? Well to tell you frankly, I am coming back to this mode of emotional vomit after at least a descent 3 years. I have not felt the need nor have i had the time to devour myself into plain sheets to just blog my mind out. And it does feel good. The same feeling when you are away from home for a very long time and you long your mother's recipe and the taste-bud explosions when you grab that first bite. In essence.

There was a dynamo hibernating. A flare of restlessness cultivated inside me. And I harnessed it the way it should have been. Giving it the utmost importance, and paced myself just enough to time the event horizon correctly.

Such things have a way of their own.
A mind they would choose.
Coupled with a few pixie dusts and guardian angels.
I have been fortunate enough to witness it with my own eyes and binge on the sensation.

Such is the spirit of success.
We arrive.
We conquer.
And We Lead on.

"Trying to be someone else is a complete waste of the person you are" - Kurt Cobain

2010-01-17T02:20:00.001-08:00

Blah !

Longest week of my life - 11thJan,2010 to 15thJan,2010

2010-01-15T04:17:00.000-08:00

2008-10-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

This is probably the second time i felt a notion of restlessness+sedation , man .... being a 25er has its own pros and cons. I would just like to make a point here, this probably may be surprising for a enormous lot but the indifference for the birthday day grew on me and i felt pretty relaxed about the fact that it passed without any serious recollection.
I absolutely did not do anything.

Evading Objectivism

2008-04-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sigma's that should hold your naive and nascent mind , captivating questions of motives.

Intuitivist

how far can one foresee till it dawns in his head that, rational morales and self-objectives are primary; in order to be blessed by happiness ?
I maintain the belief that the existence of something is regardless of anyone's conscious awareness, it simply exists because it has to exist, and nothing, animate or inanimate can change that.

Rationalist

The platonic relationship of reason and belief , the oddities are submerged in a facet of deep understanding of oneself. What must imbibe in such a non-physiological state of mind is that one can never foretell of what is going to happen but one must always understand the truer essence of the events that happen or digress.

Basest

As a non-responsive anarchy if one must shall indulge in a seductive trance, one must also understand the repercussion of one's doings.

Spiritualist

A light, that fragments from the soul tearing apart whatever evil lays in its path,
A aura so pure that it begets tranquility in its boulevard,
A thought with such finite magnitude, that even simplicity, would reveal envy.

Relinquished earth !

2008-04-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

When every fathomable judgment passes , a entity is summoned,
Every dark-lit word , whiplashes in your flesh, eroding your self-respect and dignity,
Are they the only with the power to judge ?or Are you powerless ?

The resonating words : What goes around, comes around.

When Mortality herself judges you, should you not pay heed to how you are judging her projectile ? Should' nt life be just fair,

If Mortals have the wisdom to judge others with their fragmented,vulgar, impulsive, slap-stick dialect, do they never pay any heed to how they are being judged ?

Is it true that a Mad-man is usually free of any luggage ?

Does it never occur to them that life is about resonating like a filled girdle of ledge-liquid , rather than a battering self which usually stammers on its own semi-moronic self, when its at the receiving end ?

Do people really know when they have puissance ? Are they that Vain ?
Does life always side-by people who can never embrace themselves when they are cornered ?
Does "aggression" really mean you have to "flaunt what you have" ?

Is it not wise to be observant and conclude, rather than jumping the gun ?
Does vanity really think that it can be successful ?

I have finally realized now after coming out of captivity,
No matter how much you bestow are these sets of rules which are always trying to digress your motives and which really are the reason for your downfall if you are susceptible to such a predation.

The wise is not that reflects, but the one that implodes.

Animate elevation

2008-04-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

So here i am back again, aching and trying to make sense of the events that unfold, trying to gasp and Wow everything that encircles me, ultimately overshadowing the clearer thoughts !

Honestly, Do most men really have the balls to live up to their word when they are slit-opened under the knife, i doubt.

I faintly remember discussing this with mom (a couple of days back when i again encountered "Crisis") and in her words she tells me

" Beta, It is really not a place for us honest individuals to linger in our intentions, sooner the world around you is going to capsize and you will fall prey to this unjust society ! " ,

well to tell you the truth now-a-days i doubt if anyone can ever make sense to me except for her, probably the few words that she really grants me are the words that reflect, a depth of meaning, which i hardly fetch from any other source.

The number of links that these omnipresent words, that have shard 'd my left spheric-crown are always beyond a count. At times, i sit back and think about those words and number all the events that have unfolded.

I ponder ... I think ... I succumb ... I rage ... I gaze ... I while away time till nothing else seems illogic-oriented anymore. I seal what is right, i progress in self-argumentation
And then finally,
after realizing that i have invested enough time and that i should get back to chores,
the circle starts again.

It again is probably my sadistic ( As a few close friends like to regard me ) avenue that fills me up with this overwhelming glow of captivity.

Imagine " Sadism as a positive force of reckoning ", ..... that'll be the day, that will honestly be the day.
And just after saying that,
A thought struck me which hexed my cognition,

Am i really waiting to be unleashed ?
Do i always lose my kinetic capacity after i am stung by a series of unfortunate events ?
Do i really have to pay any heed to "being vulnerable" ?

It then dawned to me how foolish i had been all this while, figuring and making sense of eventualities and possibilities,
The spotlight hit my forehead and i saw in my mind something which i had always dreamt but i never could remember, something which i had so longed cherished but never did i pay respect to,
someone who was always there but i never acknowledged the presence,
the voice that was the nearest,
the voice that had been the closest,
the voice of my friend,
the voice of my light,
the voice of my path,
this voice which bellowed like a ten drum echo,
this voice of my father,

"Gear up, Grab your metal and Run!"
" Run like there is no tomorrow. "

2008-04-09T12:48:00.001-07:00

BLAH!

Night spurts that keep kicking till dawn!

2008-04-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

All my life i thought i could sustain myself enough to never let anything perturb my unpredictable nature, i thought it was a wonderful avenue to be in where your boulevard would always talk about uncertainty and ambiguity, leading you into multi-lateral directions which never really make sense to you or to the person affiliated to you. I basically cribbed my way, into my own hole of biasness, which strengthened my beliefs to such a great extent that i always wanted to be portrayed into something i was not.

i am sure most of us would like to be into something which gives us a "High" feel, so what we do is we basically try a few oomph! factors which somehow make us sound more invulnerable towards rudimentary feelings, which people call "Stress", making our beliefs more stronger and probably progressing into things which we feel are more relieving . Things which let us go of the past , the stupid mistakes that we did, the surreal amount of wasted time, the ungodly hours of thoughts for someone, and finally the self-realization as non-achievers till whatever time stamp that we stand at.

Things would be half as confusing if we believed in segmentation and self-organisation, not as a personality phenomenon but more like a biological phenomenon, so like kids if something is self-organizing if, left to itself, it tends to become more organized. This is an unusual, indeed quite a counter-intuitive property we expect that, if left to themselves, probably things get messy, and that when we encounter a very high degree of order, or an increase in order, something, someone, or at least some peculiar thing, is mainly responsible. (This is the heart of the Argument from Design.)

But we now know of many instances where this expectation is simply wrong, of things which can start in a highly random state and, without being shaped from the outside, become more and more organized. Thus self-organization, which I find to be one of the most interesting concepts in modern science if also one of the most nebulous, because the ideas of organization, pattern, order and so forth are, as used normally, quite vague.

So going back again to the fact that our lives would be best if we let ourselves permeable enough from perturbations from the world, eventually eventuality is going to pinch you hard enough to come out more potent and stronger then the rest of the transient lot which usually likes shuttling between window shopping and gossip.

Empty Boat

2008-04-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

A man must die;
that is, he must free himself from a thousand petty attachments and identifications. . . .
He is attached to everything in his life,
attached to his imagination,
attached to his stupidity,
attached even to his sufferings,
possibly to his sufferings more than to anything else. . . .
Attachments to things,
identifications with things,
keep alive a thousand useless "I"s in a man.
These "I"s must die in order that the big I may be born.
But how can they be made to die?
They do not want to die.
It is at this point that the possibility of awakening comes to the rescue.
To awaken means to realize one's nothingness.

Alien soils !

2008-03-16T05:10:00.000-07:00

With each passing minute,

i discover a new idendity, a new role, a new objective, a new responsibility,
Although there are numerous reasons which usually spurt on the onset of surprising discoveries, there is also a deep rooted augmentation of belief. A belief of structure and order, a belief of tombs which seldom falls. The ambigous nature of humans , bars predictability, bars a lot of logic-based conclusions about a persona. The pedigree of thought - chains continue about nature of contrasting individuals, about their pragmatic perception, about a constant forcing of views. It is this nature which separates the alpha and the rest, it is this true nature which segregates a multi-divisional choice boulevards.

There are tough times when a thought over-flow, will just seal one's way of seeing things. A patriotic persuasion of words which lead you to a divine logic , which is above all questions. Is then the realization of your untapped captivity, which usually plays a role in your perception ? or is there always a left-hemisphered conclusion to eventualities ?

Judgment in this case would be absolutely baseless which will always devour you from your untapped potential of seeking the ultimate truth, Will it even matter that the road you chose is always a road that will remain unknown at all times even after establishing a degree of control, will there ever be a fool-proof mechanism of understanding a eventuality, will there ever be a spoked perturbation in your life barrel.

The most tactical way of assuming a event is the fact, that there are unforeseen circumstances which never, Never let you dwell in your logic, there are always a cusp of events which work in a balance, governed by your instinctive fulcrum, which seldom exits you, which always resides in you, which ultimately by a collage of traits morphs you into a semi-epsilonic syllabus,
"I".

It is that "I" that we seek to nurture our shallow desires, it is that "I" which leads you.

Cheesy things for your Fling !

2008-03-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

I have long survived the night,
i have stayed in my tormented times ,
i have lived alone,
i have lived by my own

but there is one thing that is always frozen,
the thought of our dreams broken,
I have scaled,
I have climbed,
I have looked for the things that rhyme,
but i can never forget,

Tumbling thought of resilience got glue
Baked honey-crusted cookies were few
The links that make me miss you,
the innocent morning leaf dew.

Dusk to Dawn

2008-03-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

In these captive times of struggle , i realized one truth that nothing in this world would beat me down. Nothing can ever kill my spirit, ironically this may not hold true for everyone but it holds true for me, for i behold what is closest and the most dearest thing to my life, a champagne of beauty.
The mesmerized fragrance of solitude still lingers, the most frequent thought that could ever occur to me was the helix'd nature of life, turns, potholes, beamers, grappling steps, and unforeseen ambiguity. Perplexing i retired in the night to prepare for my coming days.

Open source option

2008-03-01T15:17:00.000-08:00

Dudes and all you systems biology enthu's , check this out,

Novartis, The Broad Institute, and Lund University announced the completion of a genome-wide map of genetic differences in humans and their relationship to type 2 diabetes and other metabolic disorders. All results of the analysis are being made accessible, free of charge on the internet to scientists around the world (Novartis Media Release, Feb 12, 2007)

The results of this study are available at http://www.broad.mit.edu/diabetes/

Has the increasing complexity of genome-wide studies and other large-scale systems biology datasets reached a threshold that makes the open source option more attractive to the pharma industry?

Silence of the Moon.

2008-03-01T14:45:00.000-08:00

A undebated gospel , leads us to no good, ....
tragic words of emotions that can be unfolded till eternity, no one cares, no one bothers, alas! a lamp kindles, a fire roars....
A motive so pure, so powerful that it can torment whatever that comes its way.
The stronger force beckons,
The Zeusic strength flows,
Massive attack.

Unholy Aura, Holy trail

2008-02-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

Earth shattered boulevard of mine,
Take me to a place of lure,
where the stars are grey and the light is blue
and the kingdom of gold.

Relentless, i stay in these times of tide.
Resonating,
Sonicating the time that i need,
Awaiting,
For that dying desire.

Defragmented Equinox

2008-02-13T11:27:00.001-08:00

Most of us do not correlate with the ideology of a balance in self-sustainability,
We constantly try to moralize our principles and tilt towards a meaningful extreme.
what i really reckon is the self-indulgent notion of a fulcrum,
A balance of senses,
A composite layout of virtues which ultimately strengthens from within.

Every con-man desires to be what he is not,
And on many such occasions gets away with the ring,
The sultry notion of a mere bridge that can possibly rid you of a ridge or a niche can be regarded as a subtle value of existence.
it is not always possible to rebel or submit.

There has to be a way, there always is a option.

|| ॐ सिधान्ता नमः ||

Testing Times,

2007-09-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

Streamed sonicated dreams of mine,
Morph into reality,
Morph into pain,
Make me learn , make me scream ,
Make me awake.