Highfill Performance Group

Changing Might Save Our Lives – So Why Don’t We Do It?

2013-04-11T19:11:49Z

When my friend, Helen, found herself in an emergency room with high blood pressure, she began to think about her young boys. She wanted to stay around for them, so she worked to do whatever it took to lower her blood pressure. She spent the next several years compiling all of the information she needed to make healthy choices on low-sodium food items. And, her blood pressure is back to an acceptable level.

Her experience propelled her to write “Salt Is A Four Letter Word,” an easy-to-use book that anyone with high blood pressure can use to shop for the right foods and make the right choices. She also writes a newsletter named See Salt, which provides helpful tips and invaluable information — like why Olive Garden should be avoided. If you know or are living with someone who has high blood pressure, it’s worth the read.

Helen recently asked me to contribute a blog on why change is difficult, because even people dealing with life-threatening health issues find it hard to change. It’s true — but not always for the reasons you might think.

Sometimes the hardest part of change is getting those closest to you to accept the “new you.”

Let’s say you have a cousin who comes to the annual family reunion and eats more than anybody else. He’s large and loud and makes everyone laugh. Then, one year, he shows up 50 pounds lighter. He brings baked chicken instead of steaks and potatoes. Rather than providing the comedy, he discusses the upcoming 10K he’s signed up for. He isn’t so comforting anymore. His new standards feel like something the rest of the family should live up to.

Research shows that even when people are told they will die within a year if they don’t change their eating habits or take medication, most stop their new behaviors after just a few weeks. What could possibly be more important than living?

Perhaps social acceptance and inclusion by those whom we most love.

Here are 3 reasons we might not want those we love to change — even if it’s for the better:

Balance is lost. Family members and friends have roles to play in our lives. Perhaps they’re the funny one, or the cynical one, or the health nut. We know what to expect from them. When the cynic becomes optimistic, it feels all wrong. Maybe we looked like the optimist next to them, and now they’re happier than we are. Should we now become the cynic?
Change is personal. Maybe we feel like our child’s high blood pressure is our fault; perhaps we feel we should have done more to prevent it. Regardless, another persons’ change is taken as a personal attack. So we resist it.
Standards shift. If our sister is now a vegetarian, and her health is better than ever, should we do the same? When she comes for the holidays, do we have to give up the food we live for all year so she can lower her salt-intake? Suddenly, the change becomes a burden to us. In addition, we think we must now live up to the same standards.

Resistance to change is normal, but resistance to a family member’s change could be fatal . . . for them.

Make sure you offer your support to those who are making healthy changes in their lives, because change IS difficult. Helen Woodward knows, and has dedicated her life to helping those whose change is built around lowering sodium intake so they can lower their blood pressure.

Check out Helen Woodward at her blog, on Twitter and LinkedIn.

Why Change Warriors Love Roast Beast

2013-03-21T19:01:47Z

[Synopsis from my Upcoming Book Called "Amazing Change"]

I was born a Baptist preacher’s kid, and never before nor since have I learned so much about being a change warrior.

My parents were called to churches that were struggling. Our job as a family was to spend the next two to three years leading the church through substantial, difficult change efforts.

I learned to define each of the critical milestones with types of meat. I’m a simple woman.

Roast Beef: When we first arrived at a new church, my parents were welcomed as heroes. Dad was going to give everybody what they’d always wanted. The Choir Director would get his new robes, the woman in charge of the fellowship hall committee would get new dishes, and the Sunday School Director would get new quarterlies.

Of course, a change warrior can’t make everybody happy. And change, even when clamored for, is almost always resisted.

But no one knows this when you first walk in the church doors. You are seen as the “fixer.” We called this our honeymoon phase, capped off each week by those Sundays when we were invited over to a congregant’s house and served roast beef on linen tablecloths. Those were happy times.

Chicken: Once potential changes were announced at Wednesday night business meetings, our Sunday invitations lessened. Perhaps the funding for the new fellowship hall dishes was given to support a mission church. Whatever the case, our lunch invitations were cut by 50%, and our lunch meat was reduce to poultry. Chicken was our sign that the change effort was starting to engage.

Sandwiches: The church would inevitably reach the chaos stage of change, where everything feels like a new pair of Spanx — tight and uncomfortable. Disgruntled church members left, the pews weren’t filled, and tithing was down.

At this stage the entire church staff knew that lunch invitations were over. Instead, we would go to each other’s homes and commiserate over sandwiches. We survived with gallows humor, supported each other emotionally, and dreamed of roast beef.

Chicken: Eventually, the changes began to take hold and make a positive difference. New church members joined the church, filling those empty pews. As a direct result, lunch invitations reappeared. We tossed away our PB&J’s and prepare for some roasted chicken at the kitchen table. Mom and dad knew, at this stage, that the darkest part of change was over.

Roast Beef: Inevitably, by the 2nd or 3rd year, the changes would become internalized. The church pews would would be spilling over with new members, and fear would leave the building. My family knew that this phase meant it was about time for us to go. But, in those months, we became roast beef worthy again. We were moved back to the dining room. And it was good.

If you’re a change warrior, this is your path. Just remember that when people love you and love your potential change, you need to gobble down as much praise and roast beef as you possibly can. Because those chicken days are on the way.

And when the sandwich days arrive, when your technology recommendation isn’t working or the sales culture has yet to generate more revenue, it’s okay. You won’t be that hungry anyway. Just work through the nausea and keep telling yourself that popularity has never driven change. Nibble on the crust of your bread and know that chicken is on the way.

Once that new system starts working for everyone, once that single branch exceeds their deposit goals because of your sales strategy . . . then, invitations to lunch will increase. And while you will still have the occasional dark day, once you see that light at the end of the tunnel there is no stopping you.

Because you are a change warrior. And you know roast beef is only a day away.

Does Anger Promote Change?

2013-03-11T21:00:31Z

I have a humor blog that I write for baby boomer women called DameNation. My articles are intended to lighten women’s lives through laughter. Thanks to this blog, I’ve become a regular contributor to Huffington Post, where it seems my humor is pissing some people off.

In a recent post I discussed how talented women are portrayed in the media, with a focus on body parts rather than talent. This generated over 320 comments — many of them angry.

In another post, I talked about how I was finally happy with my body, no matter how imperfect it might be. You’d think that would be a pretty safe topic, but you would be wrong.

While supported by a majority of the readers, I got SLAMMED by a significant number of others. I am talking piledriver, verbal throw downs. One woman was absolutely disgusted with the fact that I feel good about my body. I’m wondering if it was my ex-diet counselor.

Here are her exact words:

Wow, seriously? I am 58, and I do not have rolls of fat around my mid-section. And I don’t resort to brownies when I’m stressed, I just hit the gym harder. It’s fun being sexy. Yes, more fun than sitting in a movie eating popcorn. And loss of Estrogen is NOT what causes that extra weight. It’s all the sugar and grains you’re eating, that now, because of loss of Progesterone makes you store excess fat around your middle. The problem is, you have too MUCH Estrogen in relation to your other hormones. At least get the FACTS straight, if you’re going to post excuses about feeling old and getting fat. And, I’m not fooled; you’re not really happy with that body, you just think you have no choice, so you may as well accept it. That’s noble, but what a shame! Suzanne Somers and I would like you to know that you DO have a choice.

I was really blown away when Suzanne Somers got thrown into the mix. What did I ever do to Chrissy?

When Attacks Get Personal

Let me make one thing clear – I support a free press and freedom of speech. I have no issues with people having their own opinions and voicing them.

What is so surprising about the comments is how quickly they morph into personal attacks.

One respondent accused me of yellow journalism. Since the piece’s title included the word “nipple,” I could see why he might go this direction. But then he went into warp speed, and told me that I was “a shallow thinker without the depth of a spit.” I told him that I’d look up how deep a spit was before I determined how offended I would be.

At its best, an honest critique can surface certain issues, generated discussion and provide possibilities for improvement.

At its worst, an angry critique can instigate heated, thoughtless attacks with one result – more anger.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth said she loved angry discussions because it meant people were passionate.

Is that what we are? Or is it a faux passion used to get attention?

My Question is . . .

Does the angry discourse that seems to prevail in current media actually promote any kind of positive change?

I really want to know your thoughts. This is a discussion worth having. And you’re allowed to express anything you believe, as long as you really believe it.

Even if you tell me I’m only as deep as a spit.

How Work Is A Playground

2013-02-21T21:29:02Z

While work-life might offer education on skills, rarely does it help us understand how to get along with those around us. This is ironic because research reveals that poor relationship skills is the number one derailer for professionals.

As I work within companies, I find that at the heart of the greatest project failures is a damaged relationship, a lack of communication, or a lack of motivation. Rarely does the problem involve implementing the change for which I was retained.

Try this. In your next meeting, look at the people around you. Don’t stare openly like a creeper, but do pay attention to their behavior. I promise, you’ll find that the people in that room do not differ significantly from those with whom you played in 6th grade.

In that conference room, you might just recognize:

The Hand Raiser - She was the competitor in class, the one who knew every answer and had her homework done a day early while you were scribbling yours two-minutes before it was due. The hand raiser might have morphed into the meeting dominator . . . the person who talks for 45 minutes without taking a breath. The good news is that this mixed blessing’s preparation often positions a project for success.
The Class Clown – You know the guy who would shoot rubber bands into the ceiling tiles while the teacher’s back was turned? He’s still there. He’s the guy who places a funny PowerPoint slide in the middle of his deck. He adds more value than you may realize, as he provides the release of laughter that keeps everyone working together.
The Leader – Remember those girls or guys who organized every event? Ran for student body president? Led the pep rallies? They actually worried about school spirit, and still do. These are the people who will still step up when nobody else will, taking on responsibilities with pride and determination.

When team issues come around, just remember that we’re all still on the playground doing the best we can with the DNA we’ve received. There are very few true bad guys, and absolutely no perfect individuals.

We all want to be acknowledged, and valued, and included. The very factors that make us annoying are also the ones that will help us succeed. If you want to figure out how to handle a teammate, try this:

Get to know him
Show her respect
Value their differences
Acknowledge them when appropriate

Generally, this works. If it doesn’t, then just try to stay away from that person. Avoidance isn’t always a bad strategy. But most of all, try to always engage in fair play.

Life’s a playground. There will be confrontations, but there will also be amazing fun to be had. Enjoy it.

The New Story of Age

2013-02-12T19:40:33Z

Nobody told me the greatest difficulty of aging would be growing older in a world that spins an ugly, sad story about the experience.

We live in a time of anti-aging serum, anti-aging vitamins, and anti-aging exercises that are used as weapons to fight the enemy of change.

In this world of anti-aging, those who grow gray and wrinkled are ignored. We become invisible, and are unprepared for this indignity. We begin to tell each other a story of potential irrelevance that results in desperate action, as we hold up shields of plastic surgery and face-lifts to fend off the onslaught of change.

Our fear of aging creates an environment where we constantly, frantically spin to make all things new. Our phones and laptops are improved every year, and we stand in line to buy the youngest version. Beautiful old houses of character are gutted, their historical details destroyed so that we can have a new, open concept with shiny stainless steel appliances.

We cut down redwoods to make new cabinets, totally discounting the fact that the redwood might have 1,000 years of rings inside its trunk.

Since the consumerism of the 50′s, we have built a society where everything must be young and new and fresh and unwrinkled. Every single new house looks like every other. Every car mirrors the car beside it.

Plastic surgery has created the flawless, uniform face that lacks the physical characteristics that distinguish us.

Perhaps we need to rewrite the story we started writing in the 50′s. . .

Maybe our story shouldn’t be about anti-aging. Maybe it should be about the wisdom, experience and peace gathered along the way.

Perhaps our story of buying new appliances should become a story about saving the earth, and appreciating the palate found in a house where appliances don’t match.

Our new story won’t worship the young hero or heroine before the journey begins. Because, quite frankly, the main character rarely becomes a hero or heroine until he or she has faced life’s difficulties, and battled dragons, and learned lessons, and come out the other side. True beauty comes from every scar, broken bone, broken heart and courageous moment.

If we release our need for all things new, perhaps our story will be less about the outside of life and more about the interior landscape that becomes more beautiful with every day met and every lesson learned.

Let’s join together and start telling a new story where our goal is not to run against Father Time but to hold his wizened hand and walk down life’s path together. In this story we will listen and laugh and learn.

Just like the rings on a redwood, our wrinkles tell the story of our years. There is beauty in them. And, boy, do we have some stories to tell.

How to Face a Questionable Decision

2013-01-31T21:00:57Z

My senior class was the first class in our school’s history to have Senior Skip Day revoked. Not because something we had done, but because a senior the year before had set something on fire.

We were livid, filled with rage at the general unfairness that teenagers fight against every day of their narcissistic existence. We were going to fight this by skipping school anyway. It was only fair.

Being a serial confessor, I told my mother about our plan the night before we skipped school She said, That’s your decision, but I will not write you an excuse nor will I cover for you if the office calls me.

So, I made the decision every 17-year-old would make — I skipped school. And it was good.

The next school day, our first period teacher asked for notes. Since her class had only two students the day before, she had probably put two and two together. She looked over her reading glasses with disdain.

One at a time, my friends handed in their forged notes. The teacher sneered, but accepted them. Then it was my turn.

I decided to be the Norma Rae of school skipping.

I walked up to her desk and said, I don’t have a note from my parents, because I skipped school yesterday.

I could hear the gasp from my friends who were terrified I was going to roll over on them. I didn’t.

The teacher looked at me and said, Fine. I commend you for confessing. I am also giving you a zero on your next three papers.

I went from a noble Norma Rae to a furious Braveheart in about 2 seconds.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I asked, incredulous at the unfairness of it all. You’re going to punish me for telling the truth? That’s not fair!

I stormed to my desk waiting for her apology. Instead, she told me I had to stay after school.

The final school bell rang, and I walked slowly into her office. She sat me down and said:

Donna – there are a lot of liars and cheaters in this world. Today you chose not to be one of them. But you still skipped school, so you’ll live with the consequences.

I worked my butt off to make-up for those zeroes.

And I watched my friends spend the next few weeks wondering if anybody was going to call their parents.

I had paid my price, and lived with the consequences. I didn’t realize it then, but that incident taught me to always consider one thing when choosing a less than honorable behavior. I always ask myself:

Is it worth the consequences?

That doesn’t mean I always make the right decision, but at least I consider the right question.

How to Change Your Life with an Improved Story

2013-01-22T16:49:54Z

“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

I didn’t want to be in college. My boyfriend lived at home, and I missed him every single day. I was attending an amazing institution with a lot of bright people, and yet I hated it. I had been dating the same guy since I came to Wake Forest in my sophomore year, and he lived five hours away.

I told my family that while the university offered a great education, I found the campus to be boring, the students snooty, and weekends almost unbearable.

I sat around at night waiting for the phone to ring so I could talk to the love of my life. I made little effort to get to know other people. Granted, I was working three jobs most semesters, but still, my free time was spent watching television in the common room.

I lived for the one trip each semester my boyfriend made to see me, and I dreaded to see him drive away. I told myself and everybody I knew at home that this school was probably a mistake. I shouldn’t have come to it. I should have gone to school at home.

The summer of my junior year, my boyfriend asked me to move home and attend college there. For some reason, I refused, and we broke up.

I returned to school with a different story. I had made a choice to leave my boyfriend and complete my education. While it was a difficult break-up, it all felt right.

I started to reach out to other girls on my hall. Every weekend night I played Uno with a bunch of friends in New Dorm. I attended a dance on the arm of a guy I had met during one of those card games. I reconnected with an old friend who was attending the seminary nearby.

When springtime hit, I put on roller blades and skated around the campus. I landed a teaching job at the Optional Education school, and found a dear friend who let me borrow her car several times a week to teach. I bet on the ACC Tournament and watched the games with about 25 other people. I was one of two remaining in the betting pool when Georgetown lost.

I met a guy who was writing a novel, and we talked for hours about his next chapter. I thought it was brilliant.

Finally, in my senior year, I began to love my school and the people in it.

Had the school changed? No. Had the people on campus changed? No. What changed was the story I told myself about it.

No longer was it a snooty school where people refused to interact with me. No longer was it unbearable.

I had come back to school with a new story in my heart about this place where I had chosen to stay. I started creating new relationships and opportunities by saying “yes” instead of “no.” Well, I didn’t say “yes” to everything, but you get the idea.

I learned something in that senior year:

If you want to change your life experience, then change your story.

If you’re miserable at work, change the story you’re telling yourself every time your feet hit the floor in the morning.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, perhaps you need to tell a new story minus one character. There are plenty of wonderful characters out there.

Life change is just a new paragraph, sometimes written by us, sometimes written by outside circumstances. The way you edit the event matters. Why? Because you tell yourself stories every single day — it’s the way the two hemispheres of your brain make sense of the information being taken in. The left side of your brain has an inherent need to link events and construct a story to help you understand what is going on.

Change your stories and you’ll change your beliefs. And then your actions. And then your results.

Remember that you are the editor of your life’s story. Edit carefully.

Are Women Tougher on Other Women?

2013-01-15T15:18:22Z

Are women harder on each other in the workplace than they are their male counterparts?

I’ve heard this question posed dozens of times, and I often hear the same response from other women: Absolutely.

Several female leaders I’ve talked to have admitted they were harder on the females they led. An anonymous source told me that she feared if she weren’t tough on women who exhibited stereotypical female behavior (e.g. crying, not speaking up, etc.) then the male leaders would view her as just another weak female. Therefore, she cracked down on the women rather than coaching them.

Let me say the best consulting relationship I’ve ever had was with a female, but she was in the minority. In at least 80% of my consulting experiences, if I’ve been blocked from a job by an internal leader, it’s been a woman.

I think many of us have examples of situations where women battled women rather than supporting them. Here are a couple of mine.

Example #1:

A male division leader had worked with me in the past and witnessed my success with coaching and sales strategies at another institution. He asked me to work with one of his leaders who had requested a leadership coach. He also said that the company needed a series of sales strategies, and he wanted me to work with her on development of those strategies.

On the day of our first meeting, I walked into the female leader’s office, excited by the new opportunity.

As I entered her office, she stay seated. The room was eerily quiet, so I tried to break the ice. Often leaders are skeptical of consultants (and sometimes for good reason), so I tried to start with a question about her needs.

Before I could complete my first sentence, she squinted her eyes, leaned forward, and uttered these words I will never forget:

My job is to ensure that in three months time nobody at this company hears your name. If I don’t succeed in doing this, then I have failed. My job is to make sure that you’re no longer here.

I was actually speechless, which is a rarity for me. I had every intention of helping this woman from behind the scenes. As a consultant, my need was not internal visibility. It was to help her and the company succeed.

I walked out of her office dumb-founded. I later discovered that she went to her leader and convinced him to hire people internally with the money he was going to use for me. He told me that he didn’t agree with her decision, but she was new in the role and he had to trust her judgment.

Example #2:

I was brought in by a man who wanted me to develop sales training for his team. He had a female who worked for him, and she was extremely bright and talented. After our initial meeting she invited me to lunch. She was charming, and asked me to send her a detailed description of my materials and suggestions so that we could work together effectively.

Being the naive consultant that I was at the time, I sent her a series of workshop suggestions, as well as a recommended strategy which could be tailored to her particular organization. I thought we would make a dynamic duo.

Several days passed, and I had heard nothing from her. After a week of attempting to reach out, I called the male leader and scheduled a meeting.

During our conversation I found out that this woman had recommended a consultant friend of hers and they had pitched their own solution that looked a lot like mine. In fact, it looked almost identical to mine. As I left the building, she smiled and said, Better luck next time.

So, What’s the Deal?

These examples of women blocking women match with the stories I’ve heard from dozens of women who have had similar experiences, or men who have witnessed the same.

Here some questions to build our discussion:

Are women truly harder on each other than male counterparts or is this a mirage created by the behavioral expectations we have of women?
If you’ve witnessed women being tougher on other women, why do you think this behavior occurs?
Do you have your own example to share?
Do men see this happening? If so, do men sometimes sacrifice the right business decisions in deference to the most disgruntled female?

I’d love to hear from both men and women on these questions, because it is a topic worth pursuing.

Some Baby Boomers Need a Conversational Change

2013-01-09T20:01:43Z

I go to lunch with many fascinating 50+ friends only to realize that the reason I am severely depressed after lunch is because 80 percent of our conversational time was spent discussing ailments. Each of us took turns discussing a hurt back, an injured knee, or, God forbid, a falling uterus or bladder.

I think we need to tap into our experience and stories and amp up our lunch topics.

Yesterday, I ate in a booth beside four men in their late fifties and early sixties, who talked about their illnesses throughout the entire lunch. One man had a bum knee, and another had recently hurt his hip. The really fun guy talked about his prostate and how he couldn’t pee. Really? I pushed my fresh lemonade away.

The booth behind me consisted of three women who were also about my age and also dealing with illness. One woman had tendonitis in her elbow, which would hurt every time she drank a sip of her tea and therefore set off a series of complaints. I wanted to turn around and say, “For God’s sake, use a straw and keep the glass on the table!” But I didn’t.

I knew I was in trouble when her next story started with, “I can eat more today because I just got over the stomach flu.”

Lucky me. I pushed my bowl of chili away and scoured the area as I looked for another table.

After that lunch, I decided that I am going to create a device that yells out, “Help! Our conversation has fallen and it can’t get up!”

I know that many of us have legitimate health issues. But I also think, as baby boomers, we should be held responsible for topics that will help our conversations find their intellectual legs again, much like those conversations we used to have in school when learning was our business.

I remember the days when I was an English Major in college, and we talked about things like Dante’s Inferno instead of our own heartburn.

Or maybe we discussed Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, where the topic of gas applied only to the Wife of Bath rather than to everybody at the table.

But nowadays, I’ve found my own conversational topics moving into the ailment arena. When I had a bulging disk in my back, I spent WAY too much time discussing it, and the conversation only made the discomfort more significant. Well, that and the searing hot pain. But how much better would my back have felt if I had shared a funny story? At least, for one moment, I would have been more focused on laughter than illness.

If your lunch table is going down the path to Dante’s conversational hell, I challenge baby boomers to come up with new topics. Ask people what their favorite movie is. If they say “I haven’t been to a movie for a while because of my back,” try telling a story that makes you laugh out loud. If it’s funny to you, it will be funny to your lunch companions.

I would tell the story about my best friend and I when we were with our boyfriends in Charlottesville, Virginia. We were on a double date and entered a little pet store to pass the time. As we went toward the back of the pet shop, we noticed a big empty bird cage. I noticed a live mouse on the bottom of it. Unfortunately, my friend, who was terrified of mice, saw it at the same time.

She let out a short scream, grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room. We both had on flip-flops, but we made pretty good time until we hit the fish display. There was water on the floor from the aquariums, and we hydroplaned. Our feet flew up in the air, and we both went up and then DOWN. We landed back-to-back, and my friend’s arm was in a fish tank. We leaned on each other and laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe.

That’s a fun story to tell, and it beats fallen bladders and diarrhea every time.

So, please, become the conversation captain of your table. Throw a yellow flag and penalize the conversation when illness becomes the main topic. Demand that each person comes up with something more interesting or they’ll be thrown out of the lunch establishment for bringing everybody down.

The woman eating chili and drinking lemonade will thank you.

4 Steps to Significant but Small Change

2013-01-02T17:33:36Z

New Year’s resolutions are often a powerful yet perilous way to start off your new year. Why? Because too many unrealistic expectations predestine failure for New Year goals within 24-hours (check out my humor blog on this topic on Huffington Post).

If I’ve learned anything from the past year of change, I’ve learned that trying to change everything at once is a mistake. It’s similar to running stadium steps when you haven’t worked out in years. I did that with one personal trainer, and once I regained the ability to walk I marched straight to his office and smacked him.

There are those times when major changes like divorce, death, and a job move seem to fall into the same, awful year. During those times, survival without drinking excessively is a clear victory.

But what about those years when you want to change your own life? When you decide to do what you love because the latest motivational bestseller has promised that money and success will follow? What about those times when you want to do something that matters?

These changes are more frightening, because you CHOOSE them. That makes you responsible, and you transition from a pitiful victim to a villain whose change impacts the lives of others, and they’re not always real happy about it. Change that you instigate starts with excitement, moves into loneliness, and has periods of Texas-Chainsaw-type terror.

The good news? Sometimes the dark portion of your change journey is preparing you for what’s to come. As Thomas Moore, author of “Dark Nights of the Soul” explains, those times are purposeful even if they don’t feel good. He uses the biblical metaphor of Jonah in the belly of the big fish. While it was dark and Jonah was not in control, the fish was still moving him forward.

Four Change Steps

So, I am emerging from the belly of my own big fish, and I’m finally starting to see things clearly. Here are a few suggestions for your own change based upon my experience:

Follow your gut. Change rarely has much to do with logic. If only thinking was involved you would stay in the land of what you know, where the ego part of your brain feels safe. Listen to your body. If you consider your next step and your body experiences what Martha Beck called Shackles Off, a lightness of being, then move ahead. If the consideration of your next move makes your body feel heavy, it’s a Shackles On move and you need to let it go. By the way, just because you follow your gut, don’t think your next move will feel immediately right. Sometimes you’ll wake up in a sweat panicking over what you’ve done. Keep moving forward. And reserve your logic for times when your gut tells you to do something like get a tattoo sleeve or multiple nose piercings.

Stop Trying to Figure It All Out. Rather than trusting my own gut, rather than spending some valuable time in prayer and/or meditation, I kept trying to figure out what the ultimate destination was going to be. Here’s a tip – snakes don’t turn into other animals when they shed their skin, they just develop a better version of what they already have. Who you are meant to be is part of your DNA. So, get quiet and listen. The answers are there. And feel free to use my snake metaphor in your next presentation.

Simplify Simply. Some people can leave their jobs, give up their worldly possessions, and move onto a sailboat. Those people usually don’t have families reliant upon them. You don’t always have to do something dramatic. Sometimes you can take smaller steps. For example, I am selling jewelry that I never wear to buy tickets for the Redskins playoff game. There was a time I’d never do that, but I haven’t worn the jewelry in years and I really want to see this game. This way, I get rid of something I don’t need and pay for an experience. Little things matter.

One Step At a Time. Change is not about the end result, because there is no end to change. You are constantly evolving. Hopefully, your journey will take a lifetime. Therefore, the only thing that matters on your path is the next step. If you try to move beyond the next step you’re going to face plant just like you did when you were a kid trying to run faster than your legs would take you.

After a year of crazy, wonderful change, I’m moving forward. And I’ve realized that it’s all about the next step I take – not the whiteboard with the goals, or the new laptop, or the new haircut.

Change is simply about being courageous enough to take one step forward. And, if your gut is really telling you to get that sleeve tattoo, please feel free. I might have one before the end of the year, just don’t tell my husband.

You are the sole person responsible for your next step. You, and God, and the Universe. Stay in touch with them, because they are guiding you from the inside out.