Corrections: A helpful guide to everything that's wrong with you

You're getting your news from the wrong places

2017-05-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

Read the following news article to learn more about why you feel unsatisfied after reading certain news articles.

News outlets pretend slow news days don't exist

Special report on the state of the media

Many news outlets publish meaningless and meandering articles when they fail to find anything substantial to report.

This leads to long-winded, very redundant, and extremely wordy writing about pointless topics as the journalists attempt to reach their daily article quotas and minimum word counts set by their managing editors—who can be overzealous in enforcing the rules, as they are typically dick-less shells of human beings with sad little lives.

Telltale signs

One of the clearest ways to spot these articles is rambling sentences that seem to go on and on for no good reason, filled with words and phrases that are totally and completely unnecessary, reiterating the same points over and over without adding anything new.

Another red flag is when the subject of the article is unrelated to any current event, and instead seems based only on the writer's personal experiences and immediate surroundings.

Local man agrees

A local resident said these stories are the result of laziness, and they're easy to spot.

“They just come up with a topic out of thin air, get a single quote from a random person, and call it a day.”

Though these articles might come across as lazy writing to the layperson talking out of their ass with no experience writing anything beyond a grocery list, it's usually the result of the writers being overworked and losing motivation to continue plodding along in their shitty, thankless, and painfully boring jobs when the only reason they got into journalism in the first place was because they thought it would mean getting to write about something significant.

In conclusion

Often, this type of article concludes with some empty cliché as the writer attempts to wrap up the heap of shit they've just been forced to produce.

Whatever the cause, whether it's disillusioned writers or their asshole managing editors, it’s a sad state of affairs for journalism.

Your Dating Profile is Inaccurate

2011-08-30T09:57:00.003-07:00

The problem with dating sites is most people have inaccurate profiles. They present shallow, idealized versions of themselves, which leads to awkward first dates when a couple discovers they have nothing in common.

To help you avoid this traumatizing experience, I've found some examples of effective profiles where people allow their true personalities to shine through.

Elizabeth93

To all the guys who keep sending me messages like “nice boobs,” stop it. Not only is it rude, but your arms are usually twiggy and gross. If you want to get with me you better be muscular, because biceps are like the male equivalent of boobs.

I know you’re thinking, “man-boobs are the male equivalent of boobs”. But I mean a part of the body that the opposite sex finds attractive, which you partially expose in public. For example with a low cut dress for cleavage or tank top for biceps.

Some might argue men’s packages are “partially exposed” with tight pants, or that women show off their butts the same way. But showing your butt crack is not as accepted as cleavage, and bulging penises aren’t as accepted as biceps. That’s why breasts and biceps are unique. They’re equivalent parts that we show off to attract partners.

But if I want bigger breasts, it requires painful, expensive surgery (and the doctor was really creepy). While a guy can enlarge his equivalent parts with a bit of regular exercise. I guarantee if women could get bigger breasts by exercising, gyms would be a lot more crowded. And women with big boobs would be all over the place.

P.S. My profile pic is of a mannequin, I only send real pics after we have chatted online for at least two months.

To send a message to Elizabeth93 you MUST meet the following criteria:

Must not have small arms. Try lifting some weights you lazy bastards.
________________________________________________________________________________

Arthur5000

Age: 27 Interests: Wheel of Fortune, Crosswords, Boggle competitions

I’m a bit of a "word nerd". I love learning about the origins of words and finding new exotic terms that most people know nothing about. For example, do you know what autocoropophagy means?

Well I do. It means eating your own poop! Isn’t it amazing that there’s a word for that? It doesn’t simply mean eating excrement in general, that’s coropophagy. But you add the prefix “auto” and voila, now you’re eating your own poop.

I wonder if they have an equivalent word in every language. You know how Eskimos have like 20 words for different types of snow? Maybe in some countries they have many words for eating different types of poop.

I also enjoy coming up with ideas for improving the English language. For now, I’ll give you a small taste. I think that the letter W is an abomination, as it’s obviously more like a double V than anything, though it really should have its own unique name. I propose its name should be pronounced “wee” or “way”. We can discuss this further on our first date.

To send a message to Arthur5000 you MUST meet the following criteria:

Must never use made-up compound words like “ginormous” or “chillaxin’” (I once ripped up a poster advertising a “Tweet-estival”, despite the idea of a Twitter festival sounding quite interesting)

________________________________________________________________________________

Hotguy58

I’m just a regular guy looking for a regular girl. I would like a girl who’s down to earth yet has great ambitions. She should have a good career but be able to make time for me.

Looks are not important. However, I find I’m only attracted to redhead girls ages 18-29 with at least a C cup, and a healthy BMI. My ideal woman would have thick thighs and butt, with a slim waist. She should be feminine, but not like shitty romance movies.

She should like long walks on the beach, but not too long, 2km tops, if the weather is not too hot. She should also be refined and classy, with no gag reflex and a high pain threshold.

To send a message to Hotguy58 you MUST meet the following criteria:

Must not be allergic to ether

Must like cats.

You don't play enough videogames

2011-07-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

Read this to find out why its important to make more leisure time, and see some unique things about videogames.

As you grow older and take on more responsibilities, there’s less time for leisure activities like playing videogames. But it’s vital you make time at least once in awhile...

Not just for your own enjoyment, but for the sake of your friends who still feel nostalgic about the times you played together. They still lie in awake at night thinking about slaughtering you in Super Smash Brothers, and they get teary eyed reminiscing about Goldeneye.

Just because you have a job now doesn’t mean you can act better than everyone else and stop visiting your friend’s badass mancave. His parents are going away this weekend so you can play some PS3 on their big-screen TV. Plus, he has beer and chips.

Personally, I don’t have time for videogames between the daily international business deals and nightly rave/orgies. But I know this guy who’s disappointed his friends aren’t gamers anymore. Whenever he gets a new game, he tries to convince his friends it’s worth checking out. He never has time to properly describe the game before they dismiss it, so he’s resorted to showing them the most unique or shocking thing the game has to offer.

Here’s a small sample of the ways he’s tried to catch his friends’ attention and their narrow-minded responses.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater – “You can hide in a cardboard box.”

Friend: “Snake Eater? Sounds pretty gay.”

We Love Katamari – “You can roll up almost anything.”

Friend: “This looks like a Japanese LSD hallucination.”

Portal – “You can fall forever if you shoot one in the floor and one in the ceiling.”

Friend: “I don't get it.”

Condemned 2 – “You can investigate crime scenes and punch people in the face.”

Friend: “Is that a doll attacking you with a metal lollypop?”

Indigo Prophecy – “You can make the characters so depressed they kill themselves.”

Friend: “Then do it. Now turn it off.

GTA IV – “You can have sex with prostitutes”

Friend: “That’s pretty cool.”

Red Dead Redemption – “You can lasso old-timey prostitutes and kill them in slow motion.”

Friend: “Can you have sex with them? No? That sucks.”

Take advantage of this wisdom and find some more leisure time in your own life.

Submit a one sentence description of the most unique thing about your favourite game, and I’ll forward them to this lonely gamer so he can try them out.

You're confusing your dog

2011-06-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

If you own a dog, chances are you've disciplined it for crapping on the floor. You probably even pointed at his mess and said something stupid like “What did you do?”

Guess what? The dog has no clue what he did.

Inevitably, the dog starts going outside to relieve itself. Congratulations! You were successful in housebreaking your pet. Now call the humane society so they can send someone to shoot you in the face.

If you have yet to housebreak your dog (a.k.a. crush its spirit), stop and think if it really understands the problem. When you yell at your dog for crapping, he’s likely to think crap itself angers you.

Most dogs never see their owners take a dump. Imagine the confusion and shame they must feel. A dog could justifiably think: What is this stuff that makes everyone angry? Where is it coming from? And why is it only happening to me?

They’re now struggling to resist an unstoppable force. They wish they could cease the endless flow of excrement, but don’t have a chance. Instead, they find a dark spot behind a tree or bush to shamefully do their “business”.

It's important to let the dog see you "sittin on tha toilet"

If you want to spare your pet this unnecessary stress, the key is making them understand that you poop too. You should let your dog accompany you into the bathroom, and show them how it’s done. To pass the time, you can leave the bathroom door open and play a game of fetch.

Letting the dog see you “drop a deuce” in the backyard is another effective way to send the message that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

You don’t watch enough sports

2011-06-19T08:34:00.001-07:00

If you don't watch, listen, read, or masturbate while thinking about professional sports on a daily basis, you are missing out.

Read this article and you'll fall in love with professional sports along with the author.

Pirates dominate Jays once again

By Ray Turner and "Lou from Pittsburgh"

Photo illuration by Lou

Though The Jays won the game, The Pirates dominated in terms of team spirit.

Baseball is one of the most under-rated sports today. To the untrained spectator, a ballgame can seem downright boring. Until recently, I even felt this way myself. But after witnessing last night's electrifying match-up between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Toronto Blue Jays, I’m now a baseball fiend.

For you “rookies” out there, baseball involves two opposing teams that alternate between "fielding" and "batting". Believe it or not, they do this nine times. You might think that you'd be ready to go home after the sixth "inning" when your ass completely loses feeling, and the Pittsburgh fan behind you spills his beer down the back of your shirt. Yet somehow you feel compelled to stay.

If you take the time to talk to that clumsy fan, he might turn out to be quite friendly, as he was in my case. This selfless fan volunteered to help me appreciate the finer points of baseball.

That’s why today I share my byline with Lou, my personal baseball expert. I only regret I hadn’t utilized him earlier, so I could have understood what was going in the first five innings. However, Lou said I didn’t miss much.

At the start of the sixth inning, the Pirates spread out on grassy field and dirt area. They showed strategic consideration in the placement of the players, covering the play-area effectively.

When the “bat-man” stepped up for The Jays, (Sorry I missed his name, but he’s the tall guy with the moustashe) he purposely swung and missed the first two throws. The ploy worked, as when the ball was thrown a third time, everyone was shocked when he struck it and sent it flying. Unfortunately, the ball went far into the stands, so they had to use a new one. The coaches made the “bat-man” run a lap and think about his wasteful behavior.

Apparently, Pittsburgh's squad is called The Pirates because they’re a “pretty badass" team, while the Blue Jays are named after a “pansy" bird because they "suck". Why The Jays haven’t changed their name is beyond me, but as Lou says “it don’t need to make sense, it’s baseball.”

The Jays carried their early lead into the following innings. But the real star of the show was the man in black, known as Umm Pire. Lou described him as The Jays' most valuable teammate. It was clear players on both teams idolize Pire, as everyone kept looking to him for approval.

Pire was on top of his game all night long, repeatedly helping The Jays come out on top.

Early into the eighth inning, Lou left to get a beer and never came back. I think he was overwhelmed with the atmosphere in the ballpark and forgot the location of our seats. Without my guide, again I was lost in terms of understanding the game, but it was thrilling nonetheless. On the way out of the stadium, I overhead someone say The Jays won.

After the match, I caught up with Lou who was drinking beer in the parking lot with friends. They taught me an old baseball tradition where you pick the largest fan of the opposing team and say the most offensive thing that comes to mind.

Some fans who were unfamiliar with the custom actually wanted to fight me. But after only a few broken ribs, Lou came to the rescue by taking my attackers out for beers. This is just one example of the overwhelming camaraderie among fans at the ballpark. I recommend anyone who has overlooked this wonderful sport to check it out.

Watch for my upcoming coverage of the rest of the season. Though the nurses say they can do nothing to remedy the blurry reception in my room, I welcome the challenge.

Photo sources: pirate costume, blue jay, umpire

You don’t know what love is

2011-06-03T14:17:00.001-07:00

The following article shows it’s not always easy to recognize true love.

Test results vindicate Gibbs

Canadian Press - June 3, 2011

TORONTO - The Canadian Academy of Science announced today a Toronto man is the most heart-broken person in history.

The announcement follows weeks of rigorous testing on Cody Gibbs, 19. The findings show Gibbs has experienced unprecedented levels of angst and self-pity after being dumped by his girlfriend. Gibbs volunteered for the tests in order to silence accusations that he overreacted to the breakup.

Last month, Gibbs received national attention when he launched his blog, Tortured Romeo. The website features Gibb’s original poetry, such as this entry.

Tortured Romeo also includes a photo album labled “Wish you were here,” consisting of self portraits of Gibbs sitting alone at places he used to visit with his girlfriend.

Gibbs quickly gained popularity, but a vocal minority labeled him a “drama queen”. Reportedly, even Gibbs’ family and friends assumed he was being overdramatic, and that he would eventually “get over it.” Gibb’s father confessed he was one of the critics.

“It was his first relationship and they had only been dating a month. I said, ‘Everyone goes through this sometime. Trust me, poetry is never the answer.’”

Lead researcher on the project, Professor Hans Glüten, said Gibbs was an unusual case.

“When Cody was first brought to us, he was malnourished, he had long neglected his hygiene and he was sobbing uncontrollably. It was extremely irritating just to be in Cody's presence.”

Gibbs' tragic story recently catapulted him to stardom.

Source

But once they began testing, it became clear there was a reason behind Gibbs’ annoying behavior. He scored a 7.9 on the pining scale with a rate of 6 wpm (whines per minute).

For comparison, the average breakup results in a score of 3.5 for at least one partner, and the average man reaches 4.0 when a restaurant discontinues his favourite sandwich. Professor Glüten said most people are incapable of understanding what Gibbs is feeling.

“It’s clear Cody and Amanda had something very special. It’s inconceivable she would throw it all away. If there’s any justice in this world, she’ll grow fat and die alone.”

Gibbs however, is expected to go on to great things. Earlier this week, he was spotted with Swedish-Japanese supermodel Ivanna Blohyu-Alldae. He’s also in early talks with Michael Bay to star in a film trilogy based on his ordeal.

You have no appreciation for Shakespeare

2011-05-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

Many people avoid reading Shakespeare because they get intimidated by the unfamiliar language. Others simply assume the stories to be outdated before even picking them up. If you are one of these people, you are missing out.

Shakespeare’s plays offer some of the greatest stories ever written. They are masterpieces of tragedy and comedy, with a timelessness that makes them relatable to today’s readers. The following scene from the classic Antony and Cleopatra is a perfect example.

Photo source

[Scene III. A desert road.]

(Enter MARK ANTONY and CLEOPATRA on a chariot.)

MARK ANTONY

“What a moron! Cleo, did you see that guy?”

CLEOPATRA

“See who?”

MARK ANTONY

“That guy who just cut me off,”

CLEOPATRA

“Oh.”

MARK ANTONY

“Well, did you see him?”

CLEOPATRA

"What’s it matter?”

MARK ANTONY

“So you’re going to take his side? Wow. None of you Egyptians know how to drive.”

CLEOPATRA

"Right."

Cleopatra looks off in the distance, appearing offended by the comment.

MARK ANTONY

“Oh, I know that’s just a stereotype. I guess that guy isn’t what’s bothering me.”

Cleopatra snaps out of her sulking and turns to Antony with a smile.

CLEOPATRA

“I know. You’ve been in a bad mood all day. Cheer up, and we’ll have sex when we get home.”

Antony appears satisfied for a moment. He pauses before responding quietly.

MARK ANTONY

“Maybe we can try that experiment we talked about,”

Antony looks at his groin then back to Cleopatra

CLEOPATRA

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

MARK ANTONY

“I think you know. If we do it now, you’ll be free to do whatever you want when we get home. At the very least it would be an efficient use of time.”

CLEOPATRA

“I’m sure time-saving is your only motivation.”

MARK ANTONY

“And for the principal of the thing. Now that I’ve thought it up, it would be a waste not to try it. We could be the first people to do it 'on the road'. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

CLEOPATRA

“People could see us. Why not wait till we get home where there’s privacy? It’ll be worth the wait because I’ll be more comfortable.”

MARK ANTONY

“Remind me again, whose idea was it to take this cramped Egyptian chariot? If we were driving something Roman, there’d be plenty of privacy and legroom to spare.”

CLEOPATRA

“It’s too dusty, and those horses stink. Somehow this romantic setting isn’t getting me ‘in the mood’. Can we wait till we get home?”

MARK ANTONY

“I think it would be pretty romantic if you would take the risk of being seen for me, and overcome the dust and smell.”

CLEOPATRA

“It’s too dangerous. I know what you’re like when I’m down there. Your eyes roll back in your head, and you get those spasms, it’s probably not the best state for driving.”

MARK ANTONY

“Well, we could try letting you drive, but you’d probably have trouble seeing the road from 'down there'.”

CLEOPATRA

“Enough kidding. I think it’s too risky. If we got in an accident, you could poke my eye out.”

MARK ANTONY

“Once you’re 'down there', I’d do anything to keep you from stopping, so I promise I’d drive more carefully than ever.”

Cleopatra sighs, and thinks for a moment before responding.

CLEOPATRA

“I’ll do it. Just make sure you keep that promise. If we hit a big enough pot hole, I might accidently bite it off.”

MARK ANTONY

“Ok, Never mind. But when we get home…”