This past weekend I organized a marriage retreat for couples in our church community.  So that my wife and I could fully participate in the retreat I brought in a team of marriage mentors from another local church to facilitate the weekend.  I kicked things off with a prayer and then turned it over to the team.  Because of this I was able to focus on being present with my wife and work on strengthening our own marriage.

If we want to change the culture of our churches it has to begin with us.  We have to model it.  If we want the couples in our church to have healthy marriages, where they have learned how to fight fair and are on the same page with a common mission and purpose then we have to be willing to model the work that it takes to get there.  We have to be open and authentic about the struggles and realities of married life.  We have to be willing to work right alongside other couples.  We have to stop pretending like we all have it under control and help couples realize that our relationship with our spouse never gets to a place where we can stop ‘working’ on it.

If we are not growing together, then we are going apart, relationships are never static.

So it starts with us, which mean modeling healthy schedules, healthy finances, and healthy relationship.  It means modeling what it looks like to intentionally invest in our own marriages. And it means being open an authentic about the hard work that it takes to stay on the same page with a common mission and purpose for our marriage.

In many ways that means with have to change the culture in our churches.  And culture change always begins with leadership.  We can’t change what we don’t live.

What are your thoughts on practical ways to model the importance of healthy marriages in our churches?

KB

Closed Roads

Headed to spend some days with my family over the holidays we encountered a freeway that was closed.  Closed!  How do you have a closed freeway?  We of course hit the detour button on our GPS which took us seven miles out of our way only to dump us onto the soon closing freeway.  In the middle of the detour, we had some decisions to make as our four children were watching our attitudes and actions.  It made me think about the major financial decisions our church is experiencing where the “freeway was closed down” symbolically speaking.  Our congregation and ministry teams are watching to see our character as well as conduct.  It’s tough to keep it cool when things don’t go as planned while the Lord teaches us incredible lessons about trust and integrity.

Detours

As I finished up my masters in 2008 from Bethel Seminary our fourth child was born; an unexpected blessing.  At first I thought the road was closed for my ministry activity (amazing how current situations can make us blind to what’s really true).  One day as I prayed and sobbed before the Lord with my Bible open looking for answers…the Lord broke me with His gentle words, “Do you trust me?” Now four and a half years later I can see that the Lord truly was setting up a re-route or detour to help me learn a lesson in balance, trust and most importantly where my value rested.  I had to learn that what I could do in ministry was not as valuable to the Lord as who I was in Him.  I had to learn again to trust Him.

I have a ministry friend who is caring for one parent who is dying while caring for her other  parent who is losing her spouse; a major speed bump.  It doesn’t matter what else is going on in life, she cannot change the fact that life just cannot continue at the fast pace she is used to.  She must slow down because her body and mind and emotions will not let her move faster than it is able.  We often under estimate the power of our mind, soul and spirit working together.  In the middle of slow-downs, there are times when we just have to rely on our previous spiritual and physical investments because we are too weary to do the normal.

Why do I share all these stories?  Why do I expose the truth of ministers?  Whether we like it or not, we are human and not immune to the realities of closed roads, detours and speed-bumps.  In your upcoming year know that God does not bring trouble your way to make you miserable.  He loves you more than anyone you could imagine (yes, more than your Mom) and wants to see you grow to trust Him.  He wants to help you in your troubles so you can have compassion and the ability to help others with the help you have received from Him.  You will soon discover that it is HE who gives you breath; you don’t make your own existence.  He is your daily bread to sustain you; your wisdom is not enough to feed your heart and soul.  You may not see it in the midst of what you’re experiencing, but that wisdom will come if you look for it…wait for it.

As you journey through your upcoming year, I pray your life will be full of patience, character development and trust.  When you experience speed-bumps, think of “patience”.  When detours come expect “character development”.  And when the roads unexpectedly close before you rush to the word “trust.”

Matthew 6:33 “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness then all these things (things you worry yourself with) will be added to you.”

Two Simple Ways to Make Sure Your Kids NEVER Like the Bible

Sarah, Caleb, and Hannah. All three are under 10 years old. All three live in my house. All three have the very real potential of growing up believing the Bible is true…and boring. If your kids grow up believing the Bible is true, is that enough? If they think this “true” book is dry, boring, and “for old people” will the Living Word of God ever be more than just a phrase?

Unless I am intentional (more on the power of that word in another blog post) about helping my kids fall in love with God’s Word – they never will. I run the risk of doing the very things that will cement in their minds the boringness – and irrelevance – of the Bible. So…if you want to make sure your kids never like the Bible, there are two ways to guarantee it:

#1: Don’t let them see you liking it.

This is the one that hits the hardest. We all know the truth of the saying, Our kids do what they see us doing, not what we tell them to do. If you want your kids to stay away from the Bible, all you have to do is stay away from it yourself. Thankfully, the opposite is true as well. If you want them to fall in love with God’s Word, let them see you reading it and enjoying it.

In 2010 I moved my early morning time in God’s Word from my upstairs office (where I prefer to read, pray, and study), to my living room couch. Each morning I would read until my first kid woke up. They would groggily lumber down the stairs, crawl into my lap, and we would sit. Sometimes we would talk. Sometimes not. Sometimes I would tell them about what I was reading. Sometimes we would simply talk about the upcoming day or a crazy dream they had. It quickly became one of our favorite parts of the day.

I didn’t fully realize the power of this early morning time until returning from my last trip. After snowstorms in Seattle and Chicago kept me stuck in the Windy City an extra 46 hours, I landed in Seattle and was greeted with a monster hug from my oldest (now 9). The second thing she said to me (immediately after You can NOT travel for several more months!) was So…does this mean you’ll be on the couch in the morning? I’m not moving back to my office until my youngest moves out!

#2: Only talk about it at church.

Let’s face it. We are an “outsourcing” society. Someone else can do our shopping, clean our house, mow our lawn, or walk our dog. Honestly, I think a lot of that outsourcing is good. I am all for saving time. However, thinking that getting our kids to church on Sunday and youth group on Wednesday is going to guarantee that they like the Bible and love Jesus is a massive mistake.

Here is why. Our kids are connected to everyone and everything that’s important to them – all the time! Between cell phones, texting, Facebook and Twitter (just to name a few) there is rarely a time when they aren’t connected. “Connected” is possibly the single, best word to describe this generation. And yet, the temptation for me is to feel like going to church (and eventually youth group) is making it a priority.

The harsh reality is this – If it’s not relevant on Tuesday mornings at 10am or Friday nights at 8:30pm, then it’s not relevant. There must be conversations at home, over meals, in the car, or walking through the store. We must intentionally (there’s that word again) help our kids connect the Bible to everyday life.

Fortunately, the more I talk with my kids about the Bible, the more they like it. And the more I like it. And the more they bring it up. And that is a beautiful thing!

You can find out more about Keith Ferrin and Like Ice Cream: The Scoop on Helping the Next Generation Fall In Love with God’s Word at www.thatyoumayknow.com.

I don’t have Barna certified statistics, just years of watching the same story play out over and over again.  Kids that come from homes where there is marital peace and a common since of mission and purpose do well.  They are more confident, they navigate peer pressure more effectively, and they develop a faith that sticks.

We have all heard that statistics that upwards of 70-80 percent of kids leave the church after High School.  For years I have focused on creating solutions to overcome these statistics, only to realize that I have been treating the symptoms and not the underlying problem.  Kids leaving the church is a symptom not a problem.  It’s like putting a Band-Aid over a cut that needs stitches.  It may make the cut look better, but the cut won’t heal right if not given proper care.

I am beginning to see that one of the reasons 70-80 percent of kids leave the church after High School is that upwards of 70-80 percent of marriages in our churches are in trouble.  Parents live at odds with each other, they lack mission and purpose, or they have given up and settled for divorce.

What are your thoughts on how your Children’s and Family Ministry can help strengthen and empower couples?  What are your thoughts on the importance of healthy marriages and the role the church should play?

Over the next couple weeks I will share some initiatives I have been working on in my church community, I would love to hear any thoughts you might have as we seek, together, to raise spiritually healthy kids.

KB

If courage is the state of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger or pain without fear then it is chosen state of mind.

So what affects our state of mind? Rest, nutrition, focus (what we give attention to in our thoughts), education, whether we start off weak or strong affects our ability to have courage in a situation are some of the things that affect our ability to walk courageously.

Courage comes also from the support of others who believe in you and who is at your side. Joshua was told by the Lord as he entered a new chapter of his life, “Be strong and courageous. Be very strong and courageous for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:6-9) He was not alone.

When was the last time you paused to remember that the Lord your God is with you wherever you go? Are you choosing to have a healthy mind and control what your mind dwells on? Be strong and courageous, the Lord has many things for you to accomplish for Him this year.

As I wrap up this series, I’m drawn to the discussion that I have had with each of my sons at some point after they have chosen to follow Christ. These discussions begin a careful watch over their heart.

Solomon wrote, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life.” (Prov. 4:23) As I met with my youngest we talked about his anger which often grabs control of him – it is an issue of the heart. Anger can gain control and make us do things that we will, even in the moment, say is wrong. But we do have too, a guard, that we can put in place to keep anger out. His name is forgiveness.

Anger can be boiled down to the idea that you are owed something by someone. He hit me so he deserves to be hit back. She wants me to do something so she deserves to also be controlled…and so on. Forgiveness closes the book on this debt. He hit me, but I forgive him. She wants me to do something I don’t want to…but that’s okay, I can do it.

It won’t be easy for him to move anger out of his heart and there will be a constant push to come back…but we have Christ on our side and his bother, mother and I are all there for him when he needs a “heart check.”

What about you, is there a debt that you need to forgive?

Wow. I think I just summed up what I have sensed for the past 10 years in ministry.  That phrase captures the reason why I started blogging four years ago, the purpose of my ongoing research, and the explanation behind my heart beating so quickly when I get up in front of a group of Sunday school teachers and volunteers to talk about today’s kids.

Understanding digital learners is the most critical knowledge gap in children’s and family ministry today. 

If you are involved in any type of children’s ministry (VBS, Sunday school, Awana, club programs, Sunday morning services), you are in the thick of reaching digital learners.  Discovering their characteristics, tendencies, habits and traits (especially as it relates to media) can bolster your efforts.  In most cases, it will send those efforts into a new orbit.

A great place to start is by reading and reviewing the 2010 seminal report from the Kaiser Family Foundation entitled “Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds.”

The report highlights the following:

• Young people spend 7:38 each day consuming media
• Due to using multiple devices at once and the explosion of mobile tools, total media consumption averages 10 hours and 45 minutes daily
• Two-thirds of young people own their own cell phone, 76% of young people own a portable music device

Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds is a must read for any children’s ministry leader.  Download it, review it, and share your notes with parents and volunteers.

What stands out to you as an action step after reading this research on kids and media?

http://www.creationswap.com/media/934

As a coach one of the first things that you teach young soccer players is to keep their head up.  When a soccer player focuses all their attention on the ball they lack the vision to be a part of a game winning team.  When we fail to manage our schedules to incorporate seasons of rest we inevitable turn our attention to the ball between our feet.  All we can see is our next step, and we natural become more defensive then offensive.  As leaders this is not a place we can afford live long-term.

Rest affords us the opportunity to pick up our head and react offensively and proactively with the whole field in view.

http://www.creationswap.com/media/3278

I love to go hiking, but one of the keys to safely enjoying the outdoors is knowing where you are going.  Before you head out in the woods you stop and evaluate where you will be exploring, what you will need to take with you, and who you need to tell before you head out.

Intentional holiday pulls you out of the trees and lets you see the forest.  Creativity, vision, and ingenuity all flow from a place of rest.  So if we are going to lead ministries that adapt to the needs of our cultural context and provide innovative strategies for helping others grow in their relationship with Christ, intentional holiday must be a part of our spiritual formation process.

What’s your story?

KB

I went into the bathroom and found my older son draining water from various toys rather than showering as he should have been.

“Why aren’t you washing yourself? It’s 10 o’clock and you should be in bed. Get cleaned and get ready for bed.”
I knew I was being abrupt – I wanted him to know I meant business. His response shocked me.

“I don’t care what time it is, I don’t want these toys in the bathtub.”

Decision time.
My wife, hearing this exchange was unsure if she should come rescue her son or simply call an ambulance.
Kidding aside, it didn’t sit well with me. Now, I too am angry.

Something like this can easily happen in our classrooms as well and it becomes decision time. What do you do?

Maintain control:

This is the hardest part. At home, I simply said: Get clean. Then I walked away, I could address the issue later. Sometimes that should be your response in the classroom. However, this can also be a time when you authority as the teacher has been directly challenged and you can walk away.

Even so, you must never respond in anger. To do so will mean giving away even more control – and needing to apologize later.

It wasn’t easy to walk away from my son and not “fix it” right away but I paused to think. That pause let me keep control and reminded me of my goal – get them to bed. Losing control, reducing him to tears, then building him back up would not help me to get them to bed faster – quite the opposite.

Address issues of disrespect:

It’s important that children (and adults) grasp the idea that all authority comes from God. God is the one that has placed you as the leader in the classroom.

After everyone had cooled a little and my son was closer to being ready for bed, I approached him. I calmly explained that his tone and his words were disrespectful. I let him know that I understood that he was irritated but that did not excuse his reaction. There was no punishment but he did learn that his response did not fit into what is acceptable.

The same is true in the classroom. Come back to the issue when things are calmer. Remind the child of the rules, if you understand their reaction tell them, and let them know how the rules were violated.

How do you address outburst in your home/class?