Cosmos from Chaos

Good Morning

2012-02-12T10:21:00.001-05:00

You are a tornado of restoration.

I see you physically as a tornado, instead of taking down homes you are restoring households.

You hands are restoring wombs, taking out the evil and growing flowers.

Coming Alive.

Relapse

2012-02-09T09:46:00.001-05:00

So I relapsed into sugar again. This time adding 4 pounds to prove it. I know, many of you reading this are telling me to not complain since I still haven't busted 100 pounds. But my petite size isn't the point. The point is gaining 4 pounds of sugar alone over the holidays. That is not good, if I keep it up at this rate, my body will be diabetic much sooner then later.

This time, I do not have as much motivation like I did last year. So I am pulling out the big guns of education. I am starting to read "Sugarettes" by Dr. Scott Olson MD.

This book is about sugar addition and how it's harmful to your health and contribute to weight gain, diabetes, heart disease and other health problems.

The doctor addresses the history of groceries in adding sugar to sell there products, carbohydrates, high fructose corn syrup, and drinking sugar. He also talks about what sugar does in your body and the destruction involved.

There are more topics he covers over sugar and disease, but I am sure you get the point.

I am hoping through education my self control will kick in a little stronger!

So here we go... Again!!!

Changing Dirty Diapers

2012-01-14T14:42:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, I was changing Nick's diaper and had a realization moment. No one really wants to change dirty diapers. However, you change them because you do not want the child to have to sit or smell his own poop. Nick is at the age of understanding potty movement now, and when I ask him if we need to change his diaper, he starts running to the changing table, ready to get fresh again.

I feel like all of my friends, and myself are there now. The honeymoon stage is over, and everyone is getting real on how they really feel about the other person. There is alot of positive and negative emotions that come from this. So I am going to try and tackle this at a few angles.

:: SHE said WHAT about ME?!?!?! ::

The angle of defense. First off, no one likes to be called out in a negative way. The blame game goes into full swing. And there are two ways you can react to this. You can either apologize and take responsibility for what you are being blamed for OR you can react of being hurt and be rude back.

Both of those sound horrible to me. But I know, in many ways. I felt like those where my only two options to react. Then, I realized there was a third option. Explaining yourself better.

I had an incident this past week where a couple of my friends were offended at me because I haven't talked to them in a couple weeks. Some thought I was mad at them or they we worried that they did something to me and I was mad at them. However, neither of those were true. I was just taking time with my husband and traveling. And I thought I only had two options to react to this message. But, when I prayed about it, God gave me a third option out honesty.

The truth is I am changing, and changing requires some alone time and fasting time. So, I wrote all my friends an email, explaining my angle in life and where I am as a person. So far, I haven't had any bad replies said to me. [;

:: You're Mad at me about THAT?? ::

This is always a surprise one. I have been in both roles on this one. Either me to someone else reacting that way or me reacting that way to someone else. Either way, it is a goooooood self check.

The reality is that ALL OF US have wounds. And wounds aren't healed yet. They are in the process of healing but any little word or reaction can reopen it at anytime through many levels of triggers.

Now, it is impossible to know all the wounds your friends have and why they have them, unless they are willing to look at themselves and ask a few questions to get them to the true root of the problem.

Let's say I am mad at someone for not calling me back. Which I have been. The truth isn't that I am mad at the person. I am mad because the emotions of abandonment come up, which is rooted at the fear of that person going to leave me or not care for me. This was something that I dealt with in counseling, rooted at coming from a family of divorce. Again, that is a trigger that I personally had.. everyone is going to have a different reason and a different life experience of being wounded.

In my last blog, I defined that punishment as suffering, pain, or loss of someone or something. In this punishment, you are going to see if you were a prisoner or captive in the situation. The step that is needed when you are offended or hurt is to ask God why are you feeling this emotion and He is reminded you of memories when emotion first started to come up. Then ask Him to replace it with is love, truth, and forgiveness.

:: Are We Breaking Up?? ::

The third question of the sequence of freak outs. When someone isn't meeting your needs, then you break up with that person. Right? Well, by American society standards, yes. By the standards of Jesus, not really. Jesus known for healing and restoring everything and everyone! The only thing that Jesus "broke up" was sin. And He destroyed that. So, no argument there.

Breaking up is the easy thing to do. You go your way, I go mine. Then you reopen another wound on top of the others that are already there. That hole gets deeper and wider with pain and hurt.

Why? Because breaking up is a form of running away from the problem instead of facing it.

Restoring and rebuilding requires forgiveness, grace and patience for the long haul. The healing process takes a lot of time, your body is creating new skin and blood that had been destroyed by the wound.

So I decided that I am going to face everything head on in my life now.

:: Depths of Questions ::

Someone taught in me in a training one time that there are three types of questions and answers.

1. You ask a profound question, you get a profound answer.

2. You ask a superficial question, you get a superficial answer.

3. You ask no question, you get no answer.

Truth.

It is time that we all ask ourselves these questions first, and get some real answers for our stinky, diapers that need to be changed.

In the words of Michael Jackson,

"I am starting with the man in the mirror, I am asking him to change his ways."

Love and Fear

2012-01-09T15:16:00.008-05:00

There are only two emotions. Love and Fear. All others, stem from these two categories. I really wanted to take some time and define and set up the two.

Now-a-days, you hear that "love is a verb" and it is. But, it is also a noun. This is how Webster defines love.

So love defined covers a lot of different areas and expression of emotions like, joy, happy, warm, peaceful, excited, hopeful, confident, etc. These are all emotions that describe the emotion of love.

Now fear, is the other main emotion. This is how Webster defines fear.

So fear defined covers expression of emotion like, embarrassed, lonely, discouraged, envious, angry, anxious, worrying.

The Word of God speaks a lot about love and fear.

1 John 4:18 says,

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Wait? Fear has to do with punishment? Yes. That is correct. Now, punishment is defined as suffering, pain or loss of something or someone. Since that is truth defined. Then I can really believe that my fear emotion is definitely linked and connected to all the punishment in my life in experiencing some kind of suffering, pain or loss of someone or something.

Jesus talked about this all the time. In the gospel of Matthew he talked about not worrying. Worrying is a fear, a fear of not being provided for in some way or fashion. Stress is linked to worry and is FEAR.

Right after Jesus talks about that, he talks about not judging others. Why do people judge others? It is all comparing. Comparing what you have more than the other person or visa-versa. You develop the emotion of being mad, angry, and disappointed. It is welcoming in jealously, pride, and putting yourself in a position of being better then that person. When you do that, it is impossible to serve the other person. In fact, you start to hate that person and talking bad about that person. When everyone has some sort of sawdust in their eye when their is a plank in your own eye.

Jesus says instead of doing that, FIRST take the plank out of your own eye, and THEN you will SEE clearly to remove the speck of dust from your brother's. He is saying YOU need to seek healing and freedom FIRST, then you can HELP your brother step into freedom as well! Exchange the fear for love!

You know, Jesus really knows what He is talking about. You just have to trust him. And trust is the absence of fear, which is love.

Now there is a healthy way of comparing. It is rooted in love, humbleness and generosity. In 2 Corinthians 8:8-9 says, "I am not commanding you, but want you to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty became rich." Just thought that I should mention that there is a emotion of love that is tied to good comparison when bringing more glory to the Lord. [:

If you are like me, maybe this has brought up an overflow of exchange that needs to happen in your life. I know I am constantly changing the way I think, dropping things off at the foot of the cross and asking Jesus the Messiah to replace my fear for his love. And He does, and he gives me a picture of exchange, an emotion of love with forgiveness.

______________

There are tons of verses on how to love in the Word of God.

Here are a few I pulled out to encourage the language of our loving and merciful God.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

- Ephesians 3:16-19

And this is my prayer, that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insighty, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God.

-Philippians 1:9

May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.

-2 Thessalonians 2: 5

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. IT always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Leave it at the Door

2012-01-06T12:56:00.002-05:00

Feels good. 2012.

I love how the Lord has protected me and guided me through deep valleys this year. He has ended relationships that didn't see me has He sees me. He has ended social standards that were pulling me away. And it feels good.

However, I have a new challenge for the year. My desire is to move away from Atlanta. But it is only my desire, because of how much I have changed as a person. When I go through huge changes in my life, I like to take it to an extreme measure. I love freshness. This time, the Lord has challeneged me to push through the fullness of my change while still in community with some people.

Ugh.

That just sounds painful if you ask me. But I am up for the challenge. At the end of the day, I am going to be closer to God and better in hearing.

The hardest thing for me right now is social. Most my friends, that I see are very single. I think that is a wonderful thing and looooved the days that I was single. However, I am now married, and that brings in change in it self. Learning boundaries, learning what kind of atmospheres are going to better our marriage, protect our marriage, and what friends [single or married] have me and Reu's best interest at mind in keeping our marriage safe.

March 1st will be our one year. I have learned in this first year our social boundaries a little more. It was a whole lot of testing in every kind of lighting. Many different groups of people, many different places, and some are great and horrible experiences. But, at least we can both say that we tried it, and now we know.

Now that Reu and I are coming up to our one year. We have declared this year to really chase after our dreams. For Reu, that is getting signed in some fashion and tour with his new record. For me, it is going deeper in training in sozo and applying for grad school for counseling. No more funny business.

So 2011, I have left you at the old door.

And 2012, is the year of knocking on new ones!

To Do's 2012

2012-01-04T13:53:00.003-05:00

This is really for me to put this out there so I feel accountable in moving forward this year. I will go into detail later on the why's. But I just needed to list it out first.

To Do's

Go deeper in training for listening prayer [intern with Sozo]

Take GRE

Apply to grad school

Volunteer with PT

Up my intercession life

Cut my social life in half

Travel to:

California- Mala

Texas- Malloree

NYC- Allie

Middle East- my heart

Where ever my husband goes

Forward March

2011-12-29T16:35:00.003-05:00

I haven't updated in a few weeks. I feel like a lot in moving forward in my life, which is exciting. I wanted to take some time to reflect on what is happening to clear up mind up and refocus in the last week of December.

The biggest 'forward march' is Reuben's record, The Signs of God, is FINALLY released!!! Our entire first year of marriage has been writing and recording this record. I am absolutely in love with it. It is 35 minutes long, so naturally I listened to it three times in a row, every time. I can't seem to get the melodies and lyrics out of my head. It is absolutely beautiful. Of course, the best musicians poured themselves out in creating this record. I am proud to call all of them friends. I am crazy proud of my husband in creating a new river in music. It takes a lot to step out creatively as an artist of any kind. My heart is the Christians humble themselves in the hearing these songs and return to be followers of Jesus. That a heart of the Word of God would captured and rekindled in the love story that is here. That they would also seek relationship with our Muslims brothers and sisters and see that we can learn so much from them and there heart of these prophets, peace be upon them.

Another positive 'march forward' for me is ending my time with one of the families I nanny for on Thursdays. Of course, this is me trusting the Lord in providing, but I really feel like my time is coming to an end. In the same vein, I am also taking steps forward in studying for the GRE and possible applying for Graduate schools to study family counseling as early as next fall!

As a writer, I feel the Lord wants me to create stories for children and parents that release healing in a different way them other authors. For me to get to that place, education would be the next step forward for me to achieve this desire. So conversations are taking place in our marriage on what that looks like for the Bidez family.

I am so thankful for this past year. Even though I am changing a lot as a person, the growing pains are worth the creativeness and life that is entering inside of me.

The Signs of God:: PART 2

2011-12-13T14:39:00.002-05:00

Remember this post?

Here is the video promoting the record and explaining it from my husband's perspective.

Salaam

A Step in the Right Direction

2011-12-11T14:32:00.004-05:00

Oh, Happy Sunday.

This morning was good. I love when I go to church and God just explains everything a little more clearly. Today was one of those days. In reference to the last post, God gave me some more encouragement in the direction of Reu & mine's marriage path. Using Brian's sermon this morning from Matthew One when Joseph was preparing for Jesus birth.

Brian used the perspective on really getting inside Joseph's head. Knowing his soon to be wife would be shamed and labeled.. and how his reputation would be tied to her's...even in the engagement stage. But God, as always, sends hope and direction to them.

God gave Joseph dreams. Dreams with angels on telling them which direction to go, what to do, and not to be fearful. Joseph responded with a yes. That is not to say that others around them in their culture weren't gossiping Mary and Joseph. That is not to say that no one believed them about God, The one true God, breathing His Spirit into Mary. That is not to say that the path that they were on was easy. Because it wasn't. But, it is what God was asking them to do, in a marriage, and they stayed on the path and walked with God.

I really relate to that. Reu and I are about to dive head first into a beautiful culture that we do not know. We have prayed and prayed and God keeps speaking to us about this while giving us words of love and grace. He keeps bringing people in our lives that are excited and are on the same path with us.

In all honestly I have this emotion of complete excitement and another emotion of fear. That fear of what if mess up. But the truth is that I can't mess up. That God is with me. Emmanuel.

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I was at a Muslim pizza restaurant [ I know pizza? That is more Italian] but that is where it took place. Reu and I walked onto the patio and there was a table of people from Grace Fellowship and the JIQ team with a bunch of others that I didn't recognize. We smiled at them, then we got in line. Nathan G was also in line to order a pizza, so I just got behind him and he explained how the line worked so the Muslim man could take my order. Once we got to the front, the man came out and asked what toppings we wanted, but since I only wanted a couple slices he couldn't waste a whole pizza and that he would have to make the whole pizza. I smiled and he smiled back at me then walked back behind the oven. As soon as he turned around, our pizza fell into the coals and burnt the whole thing. I instantly felt sad and shame come over me, because the pizza he made for me was ruined. But the opposite happened. He came out and said, "NO! No! Don't be sad, I will make you another one! That happens all the time.. it's the oven that does that! " I remember being so thankful and surprised by the man's reaction. And I turned around and saw another younger high school aged Muslim man just smiling from ear to ear at me. Then I realized, I was okay and they liked me.

A lot of fear comes into play with the unknown. But God giving me dreams, like Joseph, has been so amazing. It has brought me closer to Him and easier to stay on the path that he wants me to go in building relationships of Peace.

In that dream, the oven symbol is a huge sign. The man recognized that it was an old oven and would cause the food to burn or spoil all the time. He didn't shame the oven, even though he could have got a new top of the line oven... he just accepted the flaws and moved forward in his business. However, the path that God is putting us on is a path of grace, righteousness and mercy in relationship.. and that was exactly the heart of the man and his response to the pizza and me. There is a lot more that God revealed to me in this dream over community, team work, love, and relationship.

The key is looking for that person of peace. That person of salaam. And let God do what He does best. Give mercy, give grace, and thank Him for helping us!

Praise the Lord!

Sozo, Hemingway and Rottweiler's.

2011-12-10T00:28:00.004-05:00

The only two absolutes in my life right now is Hemingway and Sozo. That is, the direct paths that the Lord has spoke to me. However, that doesn't mean that I know exactly what I am doing with either of them. It is rare that I ever know exactly what I am suppose to do for any exact time in my life. It also wasn't just today that I recognized either of those paths. Sozo started over four years ago.. and Hemingway a few months back. The Lord is mixing the two in my life right now, so I am just going to do my best to step forward in that and try to do my best to be an A+ student in this schooling.

So what is Sozo? I am glad you asked. It is the greek word of being saved/healed/delivered. Used in the Good Book quite a few times. One of my qualities is meeting with the Lord and people [or myself] and walking them through sozo prayer times. They meet the true Lord and He does all the sozo. I simply sit and become a middle communicator and watch the Lord do exactly what He came to do... to Sozo the world.

So, how is Hemingway tied into this? Honey, I am still trying to figure that one out. I just started my second book written by him... and still enjoying his travels and writings. I wish I could have met the man at some point. We would have had some great conversations and inspirations to each to think about. Maybe you remember this post from a few months back.... I am learning from the old bag. I like reading all this writings and imaging the culture and sound of the winds behind him.

I feel that the Lord is going to move my writings into my travels. Pull a Hemingway, if you will. All his books are in different locations around the world. What is more inspiring then that??

I had a dream a couple nights ago. I was in a music recording studio and the walls were all windows and there were doors on each wall.. but it was almost a hexagon shaped room. The doors would open and close... lock and unlock... while I would walk around closing and opening them as well. There were also three rottweiler dogs protecting me in this room. I am still learning about the dream.... the doors are a little more understandable but I am still learning about rottweiler's. My first instinct was protection, they were friendly to me.. but my experience with them in childhood were protectors... if you messed with their owner... count yourself attacked. However, I have also learned that they use to be herding dogs in Germany. I also learned that in WW1 and 2 they need of police dogs grew in number.. and helped in ambulance, messengers and guard dogs... Their behavior is steady, self assured and fearless.

"The American Kennel Club says it is basically a calm, confident and courageous dog with a self-assured aloofness that does not lend itself to immediate and indiscriminate friendships. A Rottweiler is self-confident and responds quietly and with a wait-and-see attitude to influences in its environment. It has an inherent desire to protect home and family, and is an intelligent dog of extreme hardness and adaptability with a strong willingness to work, making them especially suited as a companion, guardian and general all-purpose dog." [^ American Kennel Club Standard for the Rottweiler, akc.org]

Crazy. The knowledge goes on and on they more I study on the breed. But the protection of three that the Lord is giving me with the knowledge of the breed is more than encouraging. But that is the next step in my life.

Sozo and Hemingway.

Doors opening, closing, locking and unlocking.

And Rottweiler protection.

The Signs of God

2011-12-07T14:18:00.005-05:00

My husband is releasing his latest album on December 27th. I am more than excited about this project. It is aimed to Christians and Muslims in creating an environment of honor and common grounds to build love and communications with each other.

Unfortunately, most Christians have no idea what is in the Qur'an. And not knowing the heart of an amazing culture, especially in a city with thousands of Muslims, it is time we change the conversation and become brothers and sisters of peace and honor.

There are many assumptions and miscommunications on what is in each Holy Book. This record is the beginning of many stories that are shared in the Bible and Qur'an. However, if you are a follower of either the Bible and or Qur'an, you know that they are more than a story. They are signs of God's mercy on mankind. These moments in time are a great place to start in building relationships with each other and learn from each other.

My personal adventure in reading the Qur'an and Muhammad's peace be upon him writings have been beautifully eye opening. My father has always encouraged me to live the golden rule and to love people deeply. In walking through Reuben's writing process with him, we have learned so much and never thought the Lord would put us on such a beautiful straight path.

We are excited about the relationships that are to come with our Muslim friends and what the Lord shows us through their love and culture. I cannot wait to hear the conversations that this record brings to Christians and Muslims around the world.

Salaam

Dried Bones

2011-11-02T15:17:00.004-04:00

Today I was reading through Exodus and came across the passage of crossing the sea. Moses took the bones of Joseph with him because Joseph had made the sons of Israel swear an oath. He had said, "God will surely come to your aid, and then you must carry my bones up with you from this place."

I paused for a second. I know I have read this passage hundreds of times, but I never really paid attention to that line. Of course, I flip back to Genesis to see why in the world would Joseph request this after he is dead.

Turns out Joseph stayed in Egypt, along with his father's family. He lived a hundred and ten years and saw the third generation of Ephraim's children. Also, the children of Makir son of Manasseh were placed on his knees.

Then Joseph said to his brothers, I am about to die. But God will surely come to your aid and take you up and out of this land to the land he promised Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Then he made the sons of Israel swear that same oath that Moses brought to life and fulfilled before the Red Sea.

Joseph was placed in a coffin in Egypt.

Remembering Joseph's life, he was sold into slavery by his own brothers, then put in charge by the Pharaoh over Egypt giving him his ring, then his brothers later beg for forgiveness only in fear of their death. Joseph even told his brothers that 'they intended harm to him, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done in saving lives.'

Bam.

Go, Joe.

Go, God.

Fast forward X amount of years and here is good ol' Moses. Carrying the dried up bones of Joseph. The Jew that the Egyptians served. The same Egyptians that placed Jews under there slavery. Yet, Moses, remembered and honored the words and oath of his past generations.

Moses.

God is fulfilling his promise after generations of slavery in Egypt.

It is time.

___

This has made me think about generational curses and blessings.

What are you caring from past generations.

What promises of freedom has God promised you and delivering you from?

What is stopping you from repenting from the lies of your past and replacing it with truths of your future?

Spiritual Mind

2011-10-25T11:03:00.009-04:00

The only reason I can spell spirit correctly is because of my past days of cheerleading. I don't know whether to be proud or disappointed in myself for that. I never have been much of a speller. It must be the rhythm of saying it in a singy-song way. However, the past 48 hours I have been challenged in a deeper way as I have started to change the way I think, in my spiritual mind.

It takes a spiritual mind to comprehend spiritual truths. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2:14 that, "But the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned. "

Bobby Conner reminded me of the time in the Bible when Martha was freaking out about Lazarus tomb reeking of the smell of death. But Jesus said to her, "Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?" Martha was thinking from a carnal perspective. Jesus changed her viewpoint by raising her brother from the dead. (John 11:40).

Well said, Bobby.

The natural mind says, 'If I see I believe.'

The spiritual mind says, 'If I believe I will see.'

"... That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power." - Ephesians 1:17-19

This morning, Ashley Kaiser texted me. And Holy Lord was He speaking to her, this is what the Jesus directed her to speak over me::

good morninggggggggg. marvin says. "what goin on? whats goin on?"

love your way today. and jesus told me to tell you to listen to "show me your glory" by jesus culture and carry that cloud and dance in it nonstop today. like swinging a super-woman cape around dancing like a gypsy.

Here are the lyrics to this song

I see the cloud, I step in
I want to see Your glory as Moses did
Flashes of light and rolls of thunder,

I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid

Show me Your glory, show me your glory, my God
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory

I'm marked by Your beauty, lost in Your eyes
I want to walk in Your presence like Jesus did
Your glory surrounds and I am overwhelmed

I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid

Show me Your glory, show me your glory, my God
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory

I long to look on the face of the One that I love
Long to stay in your presence, it's where I belong

Oh how we love you, Oh how we love you
Oh how we love you Jesus

I SEE the cloud and I RUN in!

I'm NOT AFRIAD!

Could that be more perfect from my last post and the past 48 hours.. YES!

All that to say, I am seriously dancing in the cloud today.

I have also been released by the transforming of my MIND.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not be conformed to this world , but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect fill of God."

Well, worldy spirits hate nonconformists, and I am not a cookie-cutter christian. I am a follower of Jesus who uniquely knitted me together and wants my uniqueness to be squeeeeeeezed out. I get to reflect His GLORY!

I will not conform to the religious.

I will not conform to hollywood.

I will not conform to my friends.

I will not sell myself sort of others disbelief.

I will only conform to my God.

I will believe what He tells me.

I will believe what He shows me.

I will believe in Him.

Trust Him.

So Lord, SHOW ME YOUR GLORY.

I'M NOT AFRAID!

I will.

2011-10-19T11:20:00.008-04:00

I am not going to be in denial anymore.

I am changing.

I said it.

There has been a shifting in me since this summer. I haven't been able to verbally put it in words, and when I have caught myself trying to explain it to someone I just couldn't do it. I thought that maybe if I tried to rumble through my thoughts, I could make a little more sense of it all.

A month ago Mary called me [along with a couple other people] speaking about Rosh-Hashanah and it stated to confirm a lot more than I could explain. Mary posted about it and I continued to press my ear into the Lords' whisper in sharing with the heavens.

Maybe this will end up coming out in confession form or not... so I am just going to roll with what I am hearing God speak to me about in my life:

Cheers to prophetic hearing.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hayley,

I want to run away with you, creatively. I want to captivate your heart, just as you have captivated mine. I love you deeply and have designed you with an imagination that will make others uncomfortable and envious at the same time. So let's run. Together.

I hear your thoughts and worries about your friends. Remember that I have them. You do not have to mother them right now. You will cut the string that is binding you to them and you will tie that string around me. Let me have them. Let me have you.

It is time to run.

Receive the washing waterfalls of cleansing purity. Do you feel it? I know you can see it, but I want you to feel the weight of the washing. Stand and soak up the freshness of my water. Look up. Drink it in. Open your mouth and let is overflow with the water. This water will be this full and comforting. Stand in it. Open up your mouth, keep it open, let me pour this water over and over and over you. I won't stop. Water is running over you, we are one together. Running together. Water.

I want all of you. Push through and give me all of you.

Hayley, do not worry about your friends. Let me have them. Trust me. Let's go deeper in trusting me. Oh Hayley, I love you so much. I love you. I am dancing over you. Let's keep dancing together. Pure. Dance. I love when you dance, it is what pushes you into freedom.

You are a peacemaker. I want to teach you more on this. I want you to carry a mantel of peace over you. You are a peace maker. Let go of your friends. I will show you what to say. I will show you how to love. Hayley, you know my grace. I love how you can give grace. I have seen you struggle in the flesh of not wanting to give it, but my love always wins and always over takes you. I see this. I see you. I hear your thoughts. I love you. Thank you. I will honor how you keep forgiveness in front of you. I love how you walk in forgiveness. You are a peace maker.

Let that water continue to pour. I have ransomed you. Did you hear me. I have ransomed you. You are walking in fullness of freedom. I want to teach you more on this. Open your hands toward me. Open hand. Freely open. You have so much to be opened too. I love you.

My peacemaker, you will inherit the earth. I am your Father and you are my inheritor. Now is the time that I want to give you my all. You are my peace maker and my daughter.

Let's run away together.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Then the Lord reminded me of this song and I trusted Him, more than I have before::

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2U3PU-E32E

Ernest.

2011-10-13T18:24:00.005-04:00

Do not worry.
You have always written before and you will write now.
All you have to do is write one true sentence.
Write the truest sentence you know.
-Ernest Hemingway

What wise words Hemingway gave. A simple idea that drives a writer to speak in ink. Advice that I have held onto tightly during my creative time. My desires and gifts have been alarmingly growing, which brings up the battle of time.

The more time I desire to write, the more days come in between my mind and my fingers. The Dam that is built up in my soul and the rushing winds of water just want to break the beast to flow freely.

Thankfully, God has been pushing me into more reading lately. The writers' down time of common inspiration.

I realized that I can read in the most noise driven places. The conversations flow like the bidders on Wall Street. I have never seen this in person. I have only flipped through the images on television seeing the men in shiny suits and perfectly knotted ties running, yelling, with cell phones lighting up like a disco ball. Straight chaos. At least from an observer perspective.

This time, reading has been different for me. I had a dream a few months ago about the journey and life of Hemingway. Yes, a full on dream. Starting with his trips in Africa, to Italy, to his home in Key West. Not to mention a fellow writer who wrote biographies on Ernest by the name of Reynolds. Yes, all in one dream.

After much prayer and guidance, I took it upon myself to start the journey and to read all of Hemingways' books. Even after half a book, I see how similar we write and think.

The most interesting observation that I have heard from my friends after telling them about my dream is them saying something like; Hemingway is a drunk, a liar, depressing, etc. Pretty harsh judge of character, considering he is known as one of the best American writers of all time. Unfortunately, people do not know how to read his works anymore. Especially, Southern Americans.

If Hemingway was still alive to defend himself. I am sure he would repeat something that he wrote in A Moveable Feast:

When I first met her she did not speak of Sherwood Anderson as a writer but spoke glowingly of him as a man and of his great, beautiful, warm Italian eyes and of his kindness and his charm. I did not care about his great beautiful Itialiian eyes but I liked some of his short stories very much. They were simply written and sometimes beautifuly written and he knew the people he was writing about and cared deeply for them. Miss Stien did not want to talk about his stoires but always about him as a person. P59-0.

Hemingway knew how to honor the gift in someone before he put a personal label on the nature of that person. That is a way of life that is not honored anymore. Maybe it's the nature of a false persona through Facebook that we decided to be a Miss Stein before we truly think like Hemingway.

Hemingway is truly inspiring the way I write and think as a writer. I am very thankfully for the dream that God gave me to explore more as I develop a sound ear for the writing world.

May the power of the pen never die.

..with a little help from my friends...

2011-09-14T13:35:00.002-04:00

.. Yes.

The Beatles are playing in the background as I write this post. Naturally, the title became that song. It is almost ironic, considering my reasoning of this post. To be straight forward, I have had the most emotional month of friendships. Don't worry, this isn't about specifics on those friendships but more of trying to talk some sense to myself.

I feel there is a wind on my life.

A wind of change.

A wind of stepping into something new.

Naturally, some friends continue seasons of life with you, others fade out, new ones come into play. It's the motion of life.

There are specific woman that the Lord has called me too. Soul sisters is what I like to call them. They are my accountability, my life, my tears, my disco ball dance party, my prophetic ear... they are amazing.

Last Thursday, almost a week ago, I was talking to my friend Mary. Mary is wonderful. I had a Holy Spirit tie to her before I met her. I became her facebook friend, stalked her, and then if anyone mentioned her name, I replied that one day I would be her real friend. And sure enough, the Lord put us together. In the most perfect season.

And then Mary asked me a simple question.

"How are you doing?"

Then I realized... No one ever really asks me that.

I started to 'word vomit' on the phone with her while I was cleaning out my closet in Snellville. [Already a prophetic sign if you ask me.] Of course, God takes a hold of my tongue and he just leads me into revelation on my life, my friendships changing, my marriage changing, and just start realizing God is really trying to get me to a breakthrough level. Of course, Mary is just listening, and listening, and listening and giving me encouraging advice the whole way through.

So thank you Mary.

Break through.

That means, me changing some things. Letting go of unhealthy friends, unhealthy scenes, confession, repentance, forgiveness. The full system change.

Even though, the pain of friendships the past few weeks have been hard. It has made me look up and ask God what is going on. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?

So I am walking in.

Walking in the change.

Walking into the friendships he wants me to sew in.

Just good ole walking.

It feels good to stretch my legs.

And thank you Jesus, for singing this to me. I love you.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

2011-09-05T19:49:00.000-04:00

After walking through years of forgiveness, I have stretched my heart and mind to the fullest of it’s weakness. The weakness of forgiveness. Or at least, that is what we tell ourselves that it is. Weakness.

However, forgiveness is the most powerful response of the heart and mind. The official deep root killer that drops the weight of a lifetime.

Imagine a tree.

Deep roots of strength sinking into the earth’s soil. The trunk of the tree bringing up the nutrients to survive. The bark of protection. The branches that produce the fruit. The leaves providing shelter for the hearts that lean against the tree. The seeds that get carried away by the wind to reproduce the tree itself.

A tree is an amazing creation.

Although, I am writing a book about this very thing. I am going to try and simplify it. A couple of gold epiphanies.

The soil.

There are many types of soil. Not all produce the mighty depth that a tree can grow into… Think of all the options; gravel, sand, mud, dirt, rainforest, frozen soil. So many different types of land and soil that Earth produces. But not all have the soil to grow a tree.

You are probably wondering how is this tied to forgiveness at all.

Well, it is the same for us. We cultivate the soil in our lives, assuming we are the tree in this metaphor. Our life experiences in the natural turns and pulls of life create how healthy our soil is being developed. The soil is what feeds the tree.

Life feeds us many things. The good, the bad and the ugly. But the question really is how have you kept your soil healthy? Or have you?

Roots.

Roots are what carry the nutrients from the soil into the tree. They are like a sea of webs in how they are connected.

As you see the picture above, you can see how roots are any interesting system of connections. They are all connected in some way.

Years of growth and weather. Stories and experiences echo in the ground of this tree.

Our power of forgiveness lays in the roots. We have the power to go back, search our past and ask for the True forgiver to replace and forgive these messy places in our life.

The relationship of the soil and roots is crucial for the rest of the tree to live and grow.

If we are hanging onto our past experiences with bitter and revenge then that is what your tree, your self, is going to grow into and look like. But if you are leaning to get healthy and lean toward forgiveness and replacing your soil with the dust that He created us in. Then, your tree will grow fruit, grow seeds to reproduce, grow healing leaves of shelter and protection for others…

Forgiveness isn’t saying I am sorry. It is canceling debt to each other. It’s deeper and holds the keys of the kingdom. It gives the judgement over to the King and He speaks His truth and love over you. Gives you a new picture, new soil to mix in so your roots can go deep inside of on the top of the soil, like the picture above.

May peace be upon you.

________________________________________________________

And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.

And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld.”

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you

The Summer Wind Blows

2011-07-19T09:42:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I have posted.

So I am sorry.

I've been writing a lot just not publicly the past few months.

I've been sorting through my life a lot lately. My twenty-fifth year has definitely been a reflective year. Reevaluating my goals.

Trying to figure out what I am best designed to do. .. that kind of thought pattern.

I have truly realized that I am not encouraged in my own life at all.

No direction. No promotion.

I am just kind of here.

Of course, there are perks and struggles with marrying a man that is always in the spot light.

Everyone glows in his talents, and constantly pouring into him on his gifts.

Even I have to give all my earnings into his dreams.

I am not bitter about it, because I am completely 120% excited about what he is doing...

but...

again, there is no team effect involved on my side.

Just helping flip the bill.

In this post, I am sorely asking for some guidance and prayer.

If you hear the Lord speaking through you, please post a comment or email me at hbidez@gmail.com

I would love some simple encouragement.

Thanks for leading your virtual ear.

It's Over.

2011-06-09T14:58:00.003-04:00

Dear Sugar,

You have swooned me over and won me with your taste. We have had a great and care free relationship for years but now I see your true intentions! I recently stalked you and quickly realized you have been swooning all of America's hearts too. Therefore, we are going to have to break up. Your careless ways are slowly bringing my heart to an early death! I'm sorry I can't tell you face to face, but our relationship is over.

Best of luck,

Hayley's Body

Man, do I wish it was that easy to break up with sugar. Unfortunately, everything America eats has been laced with the addictive white powder. Believe me, I wish I was talking about cocaine too. At least cocaine labels herself as a drug. Sugar is just a typical player that lies and causes me to be a crazy girlfriend. OVER IT.

So it is official, I called the quits to my sweetest friend sugar. It is going to take a while to detox and revamp my eating habits but it is time. Let's face it, I am not getting younger or healthier.

I apologize in advance for my mood swings and freak outs. It is going to be a messy break up. Thankfully coconut and avocado are really supporting my decision.

XO. HB.

PS. [[ More Information Here ]]

Health and Healing

2011-06-07T11:15:00.000-04:00

For over 15 years now, I have been one to have a sugar tooth. A severe case of it. As of yesterday, I am a changed woman. Well, at least the start of it.

I was invited Sunday by my sister's mother-in-law, Donna, to go to this wellness & health class that her church is teaching. It is every Monday evening in the Marietta Square. Thankfully, Mondays are my day off and was able to make the meeting. And of course, the topic was sugar. It was the most educational health class that I have ever been a part of and gave me some great encouragement and guide in changing my horrible eating habits.

I'm not going to re-teach the class via blog, but if you are interested please come to the class or I would be glad to talk to you about it more. Here is the email that I sent Donna this morning on how Jesus completely came and did a new work in my health and healing. I hope this encourages and stirs up your desire to search your heart and health.

Cheers to rebuilding my temple.

Hey Donna!

Thank you so much for inviting us again last night! It was so eye opening and encouraging to hear your testimony and know that I can make the same applications with my life! I wanted to sure with you an already testimony that Jesus did on the drive home last night. Our Lord is sooo gracious!

Last night while sitting in class, Jesus highlighted the similarities in inner healing/sozo that can apply to eating habits. So as Reu was driving us home last night, I was just talking out loud about my sugar addiction and roots. Then Jesus stirred up a memory and constant root/lie that I bought into when I was probably 12 or 13.

The lie started when a neighbor of ours called my parents because they were concerned that I was anorexic/bulimic. However, at that point in time I didn't even know what that was but it was the first time anyone has ever judged me for my weight and even called my parents concerned about me. At that point in time it made me very insecure about being petite and I was always nervous that others were going to think that I was anorexic/bulimic. That is when I made an inner vow and became best friends with sugar. It prove to others that I could eat everything bad for myself and still keep a small figure.

The best part is that Reu is also equipped to lead sozo sessions, so has we are driving down 75 South into the city. Reu starts to walk through this memory and pivotal moment in my youth:

First the Lord asks me to release the neighbor that accused me into kingdom forgiveness. The great exchange on the cross, I confessed my hurt, anger, and insecurities and Jesus took those from me in this moment. I gave the neighbor to Him and the words of the accuser :: who is the not flesh and blood, but satan himself. I denounced that inner vow that has been apart of me for over 15 years. At this point in the memory I was standing by the phone where I originally got accused, this time Jesus was standing in the way of me and the phone protecting me from hearing those words. He wouldn't even let the phone be picked up!

Next, I went to stand in front of the cross and saw myself standing on a weighing scale in filthy rags In front of Jesus. Then Reu asked Jesus to exchange this view of myself in how Jesus sees me in Him. I then see Jesus walk toward me and take me off the weighing scale. He starts to take the weight apart and takes all the numbers and makes those old school judging cards that read across, "10 10 10" perfect score. Reu then asks me to look at myself and see what I look like:: I look down at myself and see my naked body. But there is no shame, no imperfection and Jesus is just smiling and loving the way I look. Like he is bragging about how he created me and my body.

It was so beautiful, I am so thankful for the overwhelming love and care that Jesus has for me. I really wanted you to know about this experience and healing, and I know there will be more. Thank you again for the invitation and just being obedient in the Lords overall plans in our lives! I've been reading 2 Corinthians 5 this morning and just thankful that the Lord makes ALL THINGS NEW IN HIM!

Love you so much,

Hayley B

When Soul Meets Body

2011-04-22T18:38:00.002-04:00

Jeremy Cowart did this project for Easter.

It is a better visual than I could ever write.

Happy Good Friday & Easter lovelies!

To move or not to move

2011-04-05T18:24:00.002-04:00

I am in a bend... not a bind.. a bend.

I really want to move to a different city and just press restart but another part of me wants to buy a house in the city. ... Of course, I can not make a decision .. its on the hubs theses days.

I am really praying that the Lord starts to move us around and we can really start relying on Jesus in a new way. I have realized that once I have a consistent pattern in my life I need it to break. Patterns to me are like asking for boredom. ... lame, lame patterns (except in fashion). I have gone through so many patterns in my life and each have resulted in breaking it... each break leads to something better. It's just wondering when the levy is going to break...

I know I can get up and move it an instant.. however, in Reu's job of being a worship leader... we can only go if he has a job lined up... (that's everybody).

I just know my soul is yearning for a change of location....

Naturally, I should probably be asking the bigger questions.... which I really believe that the moving helps me clear my head completely. But why is my head so clouded? It's to cloudy to think.

Self- Portrait

The Start

2011-03-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

After a long and amazing lunch at Sun in my Belly with Ashley. I have decided to take the next step in my writings and start a blog that is for publishing my heart in writing children's books.

My new blog is called The Ruby Tree.

I really hope you like it. I am even more excited to start getting my writings out in public so others can enjoy them. What good is a gift when you don't share it with others?

I'm still in the constructing zone and still have some updating to do.. but I knew if I didn't write this now, I would probably never do it.

Wish me luck...

When in Rome [Italy].

2011-03-23T12:19:00.000-04:00

I left my heart in Italy, I fell in love with the language and history that the grounds hold. Especially with my seminary background, I was loving just breathing in the air that Jesus, Paul and the history of the Bible writes of.. walking the streets of the true saints and martyrs where murdered on..just in the name of Jesus.. and when the Holy Spirit awoke the ground of the earth.

Death being defeated, once and for all.

I learned alot about myself and there.. I felt a different spiritual warfare than I have ever felt. Especially in the Vatican. The higher principalities that Paul writes about are still working the grounds of the country.

The Lord came through with Reuben and I on being able to speak truth and life into a couple in our hotel. Her background of being raised Catholic then converting to Mormonism to marry a man who soon beat her and started pursuing polygamy. The Lord allowed us to speak truth in the lies that Satan was getting away with and see some true breakthrough in her life and husbands. My heart continues to pray and break for there life and marriage as she seeks deeper healing and searching for the creator of love and redemption.

Overall, the trip was amazing and Reu and I finally got some good time in together.

Here are some of my favorite photos from Italy...

[[My facebook has all the details if you would like to see more of our honeymoon adventure]]

This carnival went on every evening up to Lent in Piazza del Popolo

Piazza del Popolo :: Obelisk :: From the top of the hill

Orange Trees where EVERYWHERE!

Flower Shop

Streets of Rome

Colosseum

Arch of Septimius Severus

The Roman Forum and Temple of Castor and Pollux in the back

Inside the Colosseum

Our hotel

Our train stop

Puppet Show in Piazza Navona

Next to the Puppet Show in Piazza Navona

Pantheon

Latte in front of the Pantheon

St. Peters Square

Dove of Peace in the front of the Vatican

Creation in Sistine Chapel

In Vatican Museum

Vatican Museum: this hallway was out of control beautiful

In the Vatican

One of my favorite stained glass in the Vatican Museum

September T w o - F i v e

2011-03-21T22:09:00.001-04:00

One of my bests Allie is getting married! She had the maids get H&M dresses that are a rose color that seems to be the Spring pick of the season. Hopefully, my jeweled colored complexion will be able to work out that color after a summer of sun kissing. [:

She asked the maids to get different belts and shoes, which I LOVE, so my hunt began. This time, I stumbled across Cassie in Nashville who makes belts.

When I got home from work, the box was waiting on me and I wanted to see what your opinion is... Reuben really loves it, and it is easily goes with other dresses. The best part is that the belts are reversible! I think its a keeper even if its not with the dress [see below].