Cosy Wreck

Over?

2009-11-29T21:50:00.003+05:30

It has probably happened.

When a person doubts whether s/he is still in love, then its probably the best time to convince themselves that they are not... if they know that its love with no destination.
When love hurts, when there is too much pain and they are fed up of the pain, I think its the right time to try to let go.

Seems it has happened. Seems the distance will only grow now. Been saying it won't happen for so long. Its been at least 5 months. And he says it took me only a day :(
Said stuff that hurt me. Its okay. Its not comparable to his pain.

Seems the detachment has happened. I feel so bad now :(

I'm going to miss him so bad.

Will miss his soothing voice, the gentle touch, gentler warm hug, that impromptu kiss, that sudden super cute smile, correcting his past perfect tense, laughing aloud when he discovers that I'm recording the phone conversations, his puppy eyes... walking alongside him... oh! how I love that...

I'll miss u my love :(

Will u come see me on my big day?

2009-08-21T02:47:00.005+05:30

I wonder if he will come for my funeral. I'm sure I'll die of a tumour. May not be in the brain, like I always hope. Tumour, if it is not suicide. I will not tell him when I am diagnosed of a tumour. That will be very painful for him.

I want him to come attend my funeral. My soul will wander about waiting for him. When I see him there, I will whisper in his ears-- My love, u wanted me to forgive u for all the times u cheated, all the times u sinned and hurt me. U know why I didn't? Because if I did, it'd just mean that I didn't care, that it makes no difference to me whether u hurt me or not. U should've been glad that I did not forgive u. It only showed that u were still the most important to me. The day I forgive u, it'll mean that anything u do is no longer going to make a difference to me. Is that how u wanted it? I will not forgive u, my love. Be happy about it."

And then I will plead to the powers above to let him feel it when I kiss him, one last time. After that kiss, my soul would be free and go away. I will try to go visit him but I don't know if that is possible.

He asked me a few days ago why I am talking so much about death.

I don't know.

The past pricks again

2009-08-18T01:12:00.002+05:30

Times like right now, I feel like dirt when I think I am sticking by him. Of course I give him a piece of my mind often, I behave badly when the past pricks, but still I feel like dirt. DIRT.

Sigh!! I read an old conversation from his mail again today, a conversation he had with a girl the day after they shared the same bed. At her place. When both were drunk. So drunk that, during the conversation, neither remembered what happened on the previous night. And both are amused. Both going on saying that they are exhausted from last night.

Why did he not have the decency to say that he'd sleep somewhere else? When they had met the previous day, for the first time in their lives, he had called me. He called when she was away. Not when he was next to him. Why? And then when he saw her coming, he cut the call. Why? Of course he had in mind that he wanted to leave me and make her his next girl. Once a playboy, always a playboy. Foolish of me to have thought that he must've changed.

I don't understand why I am sticking to him. I know he did not feel much for me back then. But he did. He had come back home the next day and said 'sorry'. Why did he say that? He knew he had cheated. And then he had spent a month flirting with this girl through mails and chat. He stopped only when she found another guy for herself and told him about how hot and good looking the new guy is.

This is deliberate cheating. And then he lied to me that he changed his passwords because he had applied for a job and he was getting some 'embarrassing job offers'. Naive me believed it. Trusted him so much back then. Then I lost my trust, my faith, my confidence in him. Reached a phase where even if he came and told me that he had gotten-- too close to a girl, I wouldn't be surprised one bit.

The past will keep pricking me. I have lost all trust. I feel if he has done it once, pardon me, thrice, he can do it again.
Maybe he is trying. The day he is successful, he will give me an emotional speech about how he is lonely when I am away and how broken he will be when I am gone and that he should divert his mind elsewhere before things are so bad that it will break him, shatter him... and then he will tell me about the girl slowly, over the next 1 or 2 weeks. I will not be too surprised. Such things are expected of him.

When I tell him such stuff, he says that things are different, that he loves me way too much to hurt me hurt me again. But, what to do? He will never understand the amount he has hurt me. Because when he did it, he wasn't in love with me. He was only playing games. Playboy. Once a cheat, always a cheat.
I don't know why I am sticking by him. He has been used by a lot of girls when he was with me, even if it was just namesake. Well, he cheated hen he was important to me. I cannot be unhurt just because he did it when he did not love me. I think through my head, not his.

He hates it when I dig into his past again and again. But.. :'( it hurts to know that he had left me for so many other girls, fooled me so many times. Why am I sticking by him?

Sweet crime

2009-08-17T04:36:00.003+05:30

When he does it, it is a sweet act by a helpless, little kid. But when I do it, it is an unforgiveable crime. I don't really like the idea of keeping my stuff open to critical eyes that love to peep.

It seems it is a crime to be thoughtful. The only reason I did not call when I woke up is because I did not want to be the source of distraction. As it is, he is short of time. Then why create a chance where he will again try explaining Greek and Latin to me and waste time? I thought its wiser to keep mum and let him work.

Talking to a friend in the meanwhile is a crime! And look at the things he says after he peeps into my account!! My God! I wonder how a life with him would be. Maybe I'll be cut off from the whole world!!

That's it!

2009-05-01T13:23:00.000+05:30

I have mighty messed up my life. Have to make that final post and go. Just go. Not giving myself a chance to think much. Its easier that way. I dont care what happens after I'm gone.
7th May.

Hate all u men!

2009-04-04T14:31:00.002+05:30

Bloody men! I hate whatever constitutes men, whatever they are made up of. I hate their sick brains, their horrible hormones and their hateful instincts. Bastards all of them. Can never see a female as another human being. They are always an object- an object of sexual satisfaction, object to pass time on and to feast their eyes upon, and sometimes hands or other parts of the body too.

Hate u all, u bloody men! And THIS is the very reason I never let em go happily if I see them enjoy a woman's discomfort when they stare at or wink at or touch a woman stranger. I quickly pace up and reach the culprit and give him a hard kick an inch above the back of his ankle, where it hurts a lot. When he turns to look, I give him exactly the same look that he had given to the woman whom he had troubled, when they looked at him. I get a sense of achievement, jubiliation, joy, satisfaction and fulfilment after that act. I did it a while ago on an eve teaser.. teasing me! Kicked a big cement block backwards so that it'd land on his bony leg and hurt him. It did. YAY!
Bastards all of them!

Other things in life

2009-03-18T16:22:00.001+05:30

For once, I like the distractions. It feels good when I don't feel the pain and sorrow, the possessivness and jealousy, the thirst and passion. For once, it feels nice to be away, distant, apart, to not have the feeling of being wanted.
For once, I have given myself a chance to look at the other little joys of life which I have been overlooking... and I saw... and now, I shall try never to forget them or ignore them.

Life is actually cute. Just look around at the right time with an open mind.

Wishes..

2009-02-25T19:04:00.000+05:30

I wish his annoyance would melt, wish his anger would leave him, wish he'd realize that even I don't like his arrogance.. When he snaps at me for something, I feel sad. But I remain silent and listen. Because most of the times than not, he proves to me from his actions and words and silence that he needs a listener. Only a listener. He doesn't even want the listener to ask anything. I know that because when I ask him to repeat what I haven't heard, he snaps again. So, a lot of times, a lot of things remain un-understood. Because I stop asking him to repeat thinking he'll be angry. He whispers on phone. Talks as if I'm right next to him in a silent room. But, my surroundings are not very quiet. But, I feel that he might get angry if I ask him to be louder. So, I press the phone hard to my ear. It hurts. But.. I can't help it. I wish he were more empathetic. I wish that he'd be a little less biased towards himself. I wish he'd understand me more. I wish he'd understand how sensitive I am..

And then he tells me that I shouldn't be scared of him..

This is how it is..

2009-01-07T14:00:00.000+05:30

These days I walk with my head held low, aiming to study the stones that everybody steps on, trying to concentrate on the weeds so unwanted, wanting to give them some attention too, for they are usually left forgotten, and when they are noticed, they are kicked away from the way or plucked away from the rest of the good ones around, so that they don't get seen, because they don't gel in with the better ones around.

These days my smiles aren't genuine, they are forced out to humour people who smile at me, people who think everything is still smooth and fine in my life, at people who crave to have someone smile at them, at my family from whom I hide my sorrow because I don't want them to be worried or to come to me with cheer-up advices; these days my laughter doesn't echo like before.

These days, I am being judged, scrutinized, scanned, criticized, rebuked, warned and left with a feeling that everything is going to come to an end, that my source of happiness will be snatched away from me, that my smiles will disappear permanently, that life will become meaningless, that I wouldn't mind it if life left me behind to rot on this cruel loveless land.

These days, I wish I were robotic, that I wouldn't feel for things, for people, that I wouldn't get attached to them so easily, that letting go would be no mean task for me, that I'd really not care for them.

These days I ask Him why I was born Indian.

Not good..

2008-11-07T13:12:00.000+05:30

I feel suicidal...

I fear...

2008-07-06T15:04:00.000+05:30

And then one day, you'll grow out of me and you'll think how foolish you were to stick by me when you could've had better. You'll ask urself why you did it and you'll get the answer - guilt. Guilt for making me dream, for building up hopes in me, for hurting me.. and then the occasional human side of yours didn't want to hurt me again. You'll feel it has been a waste of good years, wasted amply with me, gaining nothing when you could've been elsewhere, bathing in pleasure. And when I know that you were with me because of your guilt, that will be the day I break. I will lose my speech, will have no words for anyone.

I hope you never look back at our togetherness as wasted time, or with complaints. I hope you always smile when you think of 'us', that the memories that are sweet to me are cherished by you too... forever...

Farewell

2008-06-17T00:58:00.005+05:30

Go. You may go. I set you free. Free from the bounds of my love and possessiveness. Go far away so you don't feel it because if you do, you will have the urge to come back to me. I can only give you this much. You have been happy and contended with it. But you have needs too. I understand. I will complain. But you don't need to listen. You can fly far away to fulfill your needs elsewhere. You made me feel so complete once. Now, with all your unfulfilled wishes, I feel so incomplete. Your happiness and satisfaction are important to me. So, I let you fly high, soar high, far and wide, in search of ways to fulfill your needs, your beautiful dreams. Do not be scared, do not hesitate. You have nothing to lose. When you feel lonely, you can turn to me. When the world turns its back at you, just turn your back at it and you will be facing me. I will be your supporting strong pillar, never failing and ever trustworthy, always there for you. Do not worry, I will not betray. I set you free for I know my shortcomings. Go, go fulfill your dreams.

Farewell, my lovely one! Farewell!

Angry for now

2008-06-07T13:07:00.004+05:30

"Call me" the SMS said.

Aww.. so sweet. I called immediately. We spoke for 5 minutes. All the while, I sensed distractions on the other side.

"Whom are u talking to?" I enquired.

"I'm not alone!! I'm here with 4 other people", said the stern voice on the other end.

"Oh"

I wanted to ask, "Why the hell did u ask me to call if u cant talk?!" I didn't.

"Call me later" said the voice.

Grrr.. I'm so angry right now! Oh I AM understanding, I am. Tomorrow, I'll understand. But for now, I'm way too angry.

Phew!

2007-12-24T11:13:00.000+05:30

Yay! I've got the crap out of my head. I sort of feel at peace now. Like I have said what I wanted to whoever I wanted to say it. Even though I know the message has not been conveyed, I feel at ease. At least I spoke it all out.

Now. I would like to close this chapter. Forget that I ever had an inclination for this friend of mine. Forget it because his friendship, come what may, is too precious to me to lose. So, I gladly let him look for his love, and like always, I'll be his never failing support.

I feel at peace. Seriously. Nothing like being surrounded by some wonderful friends. If you have a group of well bonded friends around you whom you can completely trust and depend on, life's really worth it then!

Three cheers to all my close buddies!! :-) I feel so much at peace... Time for chocolates- the ultimate celebration!

Friendship murdered

2007-12-22T22:04:00.000+05:30

Girl, I can never forgive you for what you did. I don't blame him. It is you who came in our way. Things were so beautiful, so sweet. Such beautiful things planned for later. Everything was lovely and nice. Then you came. His attention got diverted. His mind was biased. His heart was harder and he forgot all the sweetness. He turned his back to me, ignored me. He was head over heels in love with you. My absence was not felt. I was sad, left forgotten and unwanted. I knew it was you who did it all. He was not sorry for anything. He said the rest of the world is a blur when one is newly in love. Everything was beautiful now between the two of you. I was happy for my lovely friend, for he had finally found the happiness that he had been in search of, for long.

Then, you left him. In the middle of nowhere. Lost, like I was, loveless, like I had been, unwanted, like I had felt. He loved you a hell lot, could do anything for you. Could even change himself. But you left him for another. He was alone again. I had made myself believe that I had recovered from the shock of him going away from me. Now, he needed a listener, he came to me, sorry for what he had done. I felt for him now more than ever before. But there was an awkwardness for all that happened in between. The purity and beauty levels had fallen.

I blame it all on you. Things would have been heavenly if you had not come and troubled it all. We would've had lovely memories if not for you. Why did you have to come in? And if you came, why did you have to go, leaving the dear boy a broken heart, a lost soul? There has been a major rift in the beauty of our friendship ever since you came into the picture. Why did you ever come in? I can never forgive you for this. You have brutally murdered something very precious, priceless.

Why girl? Why? Why did you ever do this?

Missing you

2007-12-16T23:45:00.000+05:30

Its you that I miss, you stupid little fool! Its you who has been on my mind. Its you who's been pounding and poking at my head. The pic that was piercing into me was yours. Its you whom I was missing horribly.. and still am. Its you whom I dread meeting now, for I may just get too emotional. It will bring back the memories again.. the times you used me as your alarm clock, when I'd wait for that time and when I'd try to wake you up, you'd plead for another 10 minutes, you'd say things which made me angry and which you'd not remember after u woke up. I miss all that. Make me angry again..

Its you whom I miss when you are so busy missing someone else..

Memories flood back

2007-12-14T01:00:00.001+05:30

"Never leave me. Lost without you"
Those were his last words before separation happened. How ironical! But yeah, its a fact that his mind changed too soon. Those words had touched me and I had made it a part of me. Accepted it and promised myself to live it till he would decide against it; I knew deep within me that it would be him who would walk away. Then I'd be free to leave him, because he did not want to stay. I knew that such a time would come, just that I did not know that it was only a few hours away. I accepted the things that happened later- the separation, the distance- when I came to know why it had happened. Tried to let loose the attachment I had, told myself I had succeeded. Did not try to find out the truth. I wanted the attachment to fade away. And I thought it had.
But, it hadn't and it wouldn't. I cannot be close to someone for less than a year. I cannot think of 2 ppl in a year. That's the way I am programmed. I realised when I was looking at some photos that I had taken. Was quickly browsing through them.. My eyes fell on a picture of his. A picture I had taken. He seemed tired, sleepy, relaxed, his ever cute self.. but his eyes seemed to be full of passion.. and now they were piercing through me. Couldn't take my eyes off it for a long time. I felt like I was being pulled into another world. Everything came flooding back. Like a tsunami.. drowned me in my past, killed my peace of mind, the emotions resurfaced and I was a wreck. I have been a wreck ever since. A whole day has passed and he's been on my mind all day- pricking me, bringing back into my mind everything that I had tried to forget. Tears rolling down often. A stone in my throat because of the guilt of not being able to forget it all. The emotions only growing stronger than ever. I can't take it. Can't take the distance. Can't take this undying attachment. All the effort I took to accept the distance had been in vain. Now, I'm back to square one, an elevated one this time.
I cannot face him now. Its going to be very awkward. Or, I may just burst into tears. Or behave stupidly.. I might.. I dont know.. I feel weak, like a helpless kitten. I cannot do anything about this. I will live with it, silently, trying once again to supress it all. This time it is not going to be easy at all.

A birthday

2007-11-23T17:12:00.000+05:30

Its my ex's birthday today. My first ex. I don't miss him. But for some reason, he has been on my mind since last evening. And the bad part is that I have been at my irritated worst since I woke up today. Maybe because it wasn't a good way to part.

I'm keeping away from my dear friends as much as I can, or else I might pounce on them for no fault of theirs. Aah.. a few more hours for this phase to pass. I hope. For now, there have been two victims. One close buddy, whom I look forward to talk to each day.. and my mother who is almost always my only source of pure happiness. She is the reason for all the loud laughter that echoes around my house at regular intervals (I'm the source of laughter). But, I've been literally shooing her and everyone else away from me today.

Just for today.

Celebration Time

2007-11-21T14:29:00.000+05:30

Am done with my seminars. And it was a success :) Its been exactly one week and I have been celebrating that for all this time. I have been writing, planning, and leaving everything I do halfway. There are half a dozen half done drafts in my blog waiting for completion and posting. There was a poem pending to be written which would be a maximum of 12 lines long because I didn't want it to be too detailed, of which I already had 4 lines in mind. I started writing the poem 2 days back and while doing it, the subject changed, the story changed and I started writing a completely different poem altogether. And its 28 lines so far. A minimum of 8 more lines are needed to complete it with the least of details. Its like a story told in the shortest time :)

Oh yes.. about the jerk - the once upon a time friend whom I had cut all contact with and who is trying to rebuild that friendship. I have to say about him! About 5 days after that 6 line conversation I had, he buzzed me on my messenger again. This time, we spoke for about 2 hours. It was awkwardly nice and healthy.. for a change! Awkward because we were talking so much after nearly 2 years and nice because.. well, because he had kept his irritating sarcasm locked far away while talking to me. I hated to like it. Then he had to leave from his workplace and thankfully he didn't have a net connection at home so we could only talk that much. New phone numbers were exchanged and he SMSed a few times. I did not reply because I knew that his sarcasm and old colours would soon be shown.

We met online again after 3 days. I felt a rush of spite run through me the moment he buzzed me on my messenger and I knew that this was going to be the day I was going to cut off once again. Just as expected, his sarcasm and hateful attitude was back by late afternoon. And I spat out words of hatred, about how unhealthy it has always been for me to talk to him, the repulsive aura that surrounded him. I was at my shrewd best. And I was loving it. Because I so so hate him.
So.. I feel satisfied finally. Satisfied that I could finally speak out uncensored words of hatred to the man I hated most on earth.

Aaaahhhh.. I feel so much at peace..

I have another reason for celebration. How about some chocolates? :D

Not sulking

2007-11-11T03:12:00.000+05:30

There's a lot on my mind these days. I bounced back beautifully from my low phase and was in a great rockstar mood for about 6 consecutive days. That is till I announced it. A few minutes after the public announcement I made through a group mail, life was normal again- spiced with anger, irritation and all the usual stuff. No regrets. I'm too busy to get any emotion elaborately expressed.

Busy? Good for me. Busy preparing for some presentations coming up early this week. Oooh.. thinking of the presentations makes me feel so useless. I have er.. ok let me give myself some deadline.. I have 6 hours.. yeah 360 minutes to complete my work. Then I have to mail it to my guide, he should read it, approve it, make changes or whatever and send it back to me.. eep.. will have to hear his feminine voice over the phone to find out what changes he has made. Then go take prints and then make a power point presentation. All because of these vacations. Uh.. am I cursing vacations? (hush hush.. else eggs land right on my head SPLAT!!)

So there's a lot on my mind these days. But that doesn't mean I suddenly talk niceeeely to someone I have been very busy hating for two whole years?! hmmph!! I call him a 'jerk' because he is one. A chat friend.. uh ex-friend hehe.. I broke the friendship because of some very good valid reasons. I found him so hateful that I didn't even want to keep him in my ignore list. It was a hatred overflowing phase for me. Somehow, he managed to buzz me on one of those 6 lovely days after my low phase.. and.. I ended up being so sweet to him eek.. *slap**slap* to me. Thankfully I was very busy and kept the conversation very short. WILL keep in mind not to talk to him again. I'm so unpredictable. Will keep you all updated.

Oh!!! 355 minutes...

Happy birthday Aashi.. :-*

2007-11-01T20:01:00.000+05:30

Its Ash's Birthday.. ahem.. Aishwarya Rai.. my favourite face.. the best face I've ever seen. In fact I think she looks divine! Impossible not to dedicate a post to her today :) I can't stop admiring her beauty. Been an ardent admirer since 1994, that's ever since she won the Miss World crown. And I've been a faithful fan. Got loads of pics of her, thanks to my brother.. once upon a time he used to be her fan. Somehow, from the opinions of people around me, it seems that the I-hate- Aishwarya list is growing by the day.. yeah my brother included! I don't understand why. Oh, maybe because she crossed 30 and is still rocking? Bah! Jealous lot! Anyway.. I'm here to give her my wishes.. very late, but better than never :)
Happy Birthday, my dear Aashi... :-* muuuaaahhhhh!!!

...my net is so damned slow.. I got a lovely lovely pic of Ash and its just not uploading; so u know the pic that you're seeing up there came there after a lot of effort.. uh.. I mean waiting... zzzzzz...

Repairing the soul

2007-10-30T19:00:00.000+05:30

Its not a good phase that I'm going through. I've been earnestly trying to help myself come out of this sad unhealthy state of mind. Mmm.. music.. music can be a good help in this matter. Of late, I've been listening to very sad heart-broken songs like What Hurts the Most, Fool Again, That's Why You Go Away and the like. I chose these songs because the happy lovey dovey ones seemed to be mocking at me, celebrating love and life when I was sulking for lack of them. And these sad ones that I chose unfailingly put me in a sickening state of mind. Was more like I was calling out to sorrow for company. Not only was my mind sad and my eyes perenially moist, but it was also affecting my health. I had had enough. Why should I cry for someone who doesn't even deserve my tears? Why should I sulk and waste away my beautiful life? I needed to urgently bounce back to my normal self, to my normal naughty crazy state of mind.

One little thing I could do was to change my playlist. So, I deleted all the sad ones and put in all my goody favourite songs just before a two and a half hour journey. I carefully filtered the playlist and saw to it that there were no sad songs at all in it. Shakira was in my list earlier because she was a refreshing splash of energy and never failed to make me rock along. But now, I was so confident about my new playlist that I didn't include her this time.

My journey began. Switched on my music player. I loved those songs, they were all my favourites. And then, the inevitable happened. Tears welled up in my eyes. Oh oh! I shouldn't have included that song. But I loved it, so didn't skip it. Next song. More tears. Oh freak! ALL my favourite songs had a touch of sadness in them. Such a loser! Like I enjoyed sorrow, loved sulking and having eternally moist eyes. I need help!

Seriously, I have to do something about myself. I have to get busier maybe. Spend less.. aah no.. spend NO time thinking about my past. Get in touch with long lost friends and strengthen the bonds with my close buddies. Now they've been a refreshing lot :-) Yes I know how to repair myself, how to pull myself out of this huge lone hole that I fell into, how to live once again..

Where are all the chocolates?

2007-10-29T16:32:00.000+05:30

Of late, I have this developed this immense craving for chocolates. And I'm not choosy. Anything will do, with or without the wafer or nuts inside, though I prefer pure chocolate. Better if its not dark chocolate; its bitter, its fun, its healthier, it leaves me feeling naughty and adventurous, but I prefer milk chocolates. White chocolate is good too. What's more.. I'm having one right now.. as I type this. And getting this one was more like a treasure hunt.

I was lying down and listening to a song by this lovely voice.. and like heaven, poured into my mind- hot chocolate. (Yeah, heaven.. chocolate.. one and the same) I sat up, eyes wide, mouth tight shut coz I was drooling, my earphones lying on the bed, that lovely voice abandoned. That was for precisely three and a half seconds. Then I jumped out of bed as if I was bitten by a bug and paced all the way to the kitchen, opened the fridge with anticipation in my eyes, gladly dug my hand in and pulled out a... a... a...?
...
.....
huh?
...

WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES???

Oh mighty heavens, or hell.. or whatever was responsible for this craving in me.. who ate all the chocolates? I vividly remember having seen at least a dozen bars when I had them last. My brother it has to be. Grrr... He was in office. I called him; rarely ever call him when he's at work. He was concerned.

"What's the matter?"
"WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES??"
"WHAT?? Are you crazy? You called me for this?"
"WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES????"
"Don't yell."
"There's not one in the fridge"
"Ohhh hussshhhh!!! Open my black bag. There are a few KitKats in there. And keep everything else in place. And don't..."
BANG!!! Oh.. that was me slamming the phone. My work done, who has time to listen to his silly instructions?

Rushed to his bag and there they were.. half a dozen shiny red objects. Crunchy munchy KitKats mmmmmm... heaven... :-) :-) :-)

And here I am relishing them and finishing them. Will tell bro to buy another boxful on his way back :D Oh by the way, the dozen chocolates that I had seen in the fridge last time, probably had seen them before they got attacked by me heh heh..

Just another day

2007-10-03T17:07:00.000+05:30

Like he’s a little kid, I’ve started taking lightly everything he says.. every thoughtless, angry rude word he utters.. I show that I’m taking it jokingly.. hopefully makes him feel light. And that way I can fool myself too. Can make myself believe that he really doesn’t mean what he says; its just his frustration that he’s letting out. He’s already burdened n stressed. He’s not big enough to take all that. He used to let it out by talking it out and I listened to him. It was nice. His stress was a hell lot more than what I was under.. even I used to let it out by talking to him probably made him feel like he’s not the only one around who has tensions.. and he’d try to calm me down. It always worked.. always works.. he’s good at it :-) He’s younger.. but I have loads to learn from him.. I think he teaches and inspires me a hell lot more than I do to him.. if I do that is.. He’s a charmer at times :P that’s when he’s ‘in the mood’.. and.....
when he’s not, he can be oh so rude n arrogant. I think he knows what exactly he has to say to make me angry.. smart little thing.. Today I said something that made him angry and irritated and then started his attack of words.. just started saying things. Now that.. sort of hurt. Tried to take that lightly too. He hurts me with words.. regularly, knowingly or unknowingly. Sometimes I shed a few tears.. he doesn’t know.. never will. Who knows.. knowing that might hurt him too. These rude words.. I wouldn’t have cared a damn if it came from someone who dint matter.. but this little friend of mine matters for sure. Somehow, for the past few days, he’s been more bad to me than good.. unlike it used to be earlier. It was very sweet earlier, very very sweet. These days.. oh.. my eyes are wet as I type this out.. these days he leaves me wondering why he seems to hate me so much.. He says its exam fever.. but.. tell me.. would we hurt a dear friend with words if we are stressed? :-( no.. I think he really hates me now.. I have no idea what I have done.. His behaviour towards me is suddenly so bad.. a very beautiful friendship seems to be heading towards a dead end.. just like he had once said.. I have to turn it back in some way.. it should live on forever.. I cant afford to let something I cherish end like this.. cant let it end in any way.. I hope he really doesn’t hate me. Hope everything comes back to normal again. I wish I could turn time back. Here I am.. trying to build back a wonderful relation and he.. all ignorant, rude and uncaring :-( How can he not feel it?
Its draining me, I’m tired. Famished. Hollow. I feel useless, unwanted, forgotten. And helpless. I seem to be losing control over everything – myself, my behaviour, my words, my emotions, health, thoughts, my heart and soul. It’s such a weird and painful phase that I’m going through. Find my self staring into nothingness till someone calls out to me. There’s an emptiness.. like I’ve woken up from a long dream only to realize that all my comrades have left this useless being and gone away.. far far away where I can never reach..
These emotions are strong. They are biting into me because neither can I do anything about it, nor will I let him. Because me the fool doesn’t know how to talk. How to open up!! Look at stupid me sit and type as if it’s a letter to the family psychiatrist!!! My head is splitting with questions.. with sense and nonsense and non sensibilities and the urgent need is to let it out into the open.. to talk it out.. to let the frustrations out... so what if it leads nowhere? At least I’ll feel lighter.. why cant I ever talk.. why cant I learn from my mistakes.. why am I such a dumb weakling.. wish I could control my emotions better.. wish I were stronger.. wish I hadn’t got so attached.....