cottonspew

Not Writing

2015-12-28T11:03:00.001-07:00

I wish I could make myself write more often. I know I should and yet I never get my dumbass up here to write. I guess this post is simply a chastisement of myself for not doing what I know I should be doing.

It would be easier if somebody actually wanted to read what I was writing. It's like I'm living in a vacuum. I write and when nobody is interested, I stop.

I actually did get a children's book done. It was a Christmas story that I tried to self publish on Amazon. com, but the crappy software would never work for me. I posted it on facebook and got quite a few nice words and some shares, but the picture I took of myself and Emily in front of the Christmas tree got five times as many likes.

A fucking picture. It takes absolutely no effort to take the damn picture and post it, but everybody throws a like on that stupid thing. I work hard on something that I care about, like the book, and very few people give a shit. Why is it so much easier to like a picture than it is to like an actual creative work?

A Long Lost Father

2015-03-26T13:08:00.002-06:00

I was listening to the Nerdist Podcast this afternoon and there was something very interesting. The guest was the Amazing Randi who is a skeptic. As a skeptic, he has spent most of his life debunking fake mystics who claim they can tell the future or heal or speak to the deity of their choice. As he was speaking, he said he thinks that he is a free thinker because he did not have a close relationship with his father.

This was an interesting thought to me. I also consider myself a free thinker as well. I also did not have a relationship with my father. It was a bit different in that his father just wasn't close to him and mine died when I was very young, but the result seems to be the same. I'd never thought about it that way. I don't know if it is causal or just coincidence, but it definitely got my mind going.

As if that wasn't enough, Chris Hardwick, the host, asked the Amazing Randi if he would give up the way he thinks about things for the opportunity to have had a closer relationship with his father. It was the perfect follow up question. Randi said no. He was very comfortable with the way he thought and his outlook on life. Of course, I had to ask myself the same question as soon as I heard it.

Of course, this isn't the first time I'd asked that question of myself. There have definitely been times in my life when I have wondered about the enigma that is my father. When those times have come up, I have had to decide whether or not I wanted to delve into the past to find out more about him or just let the enigma live. I have always decided against.

I decided long ago that I don't want to know much about my father because of the few things that I actually do know about him and his family members. He was from a small town in Iowa, loved to hunt and fish, worked at John Deere with his high school diploma, and served in the National Guard after finishing his stint with the Air Force. If I were to be introduced to a person like this now, I would probably not have much in common or even want to know him that well. That person is not a bad person, he just doesn't interest me. I figure if I ever really looked into who he was and how he thought about things, I probably would not like him. Therefore, I have always decided to just let it be. But, that isn't the question, is it?

The question Hardwick asked was whether I would give up who I am now to have had my father for my whole life knowing full well that it would have completely changed my childhood and the person I was to become as an adult. That is a much harder question.

Initially, I want to say no. I would rather be who I am now because if my father had been alive to guide me, I probably would have become the conservative type of person that I assume he was. I don't like those types of people, so why would I want to become one of them? Makes sense, right? Well, it's not that easy when I think about it more.

If I were to regain my father, it is true that I would grow up very different than I did and become someone else. The thing is, I wouldn't remember the me that exists now because that liberal free thinker would have never existed. This means, I would also probably love the alternative me from that different reality in which I had my father. Plus, I would have a father, which is something I've wished for all my life. So would that not be better? Maybe it would be worth going back to 1980 and changing the past.

That's the thing with the "changing history" question. It can never be a clean cut answer because we can't know all the ramifications it could have. For all I know, my life would be 100 times better if my dad had lived. It could be worse too. Regardless I would never know because I would not have the personal knowledge of the alternate realities I am conjuring up inside my brain.

So, even though the question posed is initially a question of what would I personally like to have happen, the answer can not be personal to me at all. The only logical answer is to go back to the catalyst and decide on the answer with no regard at all to my own personal life. It comes down to one specific thing; should I decide to save my father or let him die. That only has one answer, which is to save him.

Not only does it save a young man, but it also saves his family the grief of losing him. My mother. My sister. How can I not spare them that grief? Does it really matter that I generally like who I am now? Not really. What matters is that if I choose myself now, I also choose to let a man die. I can't do that.

It would be horrible to lose my wife and boys whom I love more than anything else in this world. But, they would never know and neither would I. So, despite the logical conclusion, saving my father, it still batters my brain thinking about how the things I have enjoyed in my life would need to be given up in order to fix the thing that created it back in 1980.

Working on a Book

2015-03-09T20:22:00.002-06:00

I have not written here for a few days because I have been working on a book. I am writing a novel about a kid that hooks up with Frankenstein's monster to search for the Stones of Eternal Evil and Dark Sciences. S.E.E.D.S. for short.

Each stone will be hidden somewhere on the planet and it will have a guardian. In order to find the stones, our heroes will need to find where they are hidden and then defeat the monster that protects them. The monsters are classic monsters like vampires, werewolves, mummies, swamp creatures etc. I'm looking at it being kind of a young adult book.

So far, I am at about 3500 words, so I'm really just getting started. I have been averaging a little over a thousand words a day. That takes a couple hours each time. I'm hoping I can up that production as I get better at writing. It's not always that easy. I am also thinking about starting another class at the Lighthouse Writers workshops in Denver.

The Lighthouse Writers workshops are great. It is a place where you can take classes on how to write creatively at a fraction of the cost of taking a class at a university. Plus, the classes are very hands-on type classes where you get to work on your own stuff. If you've ever taken a writing class at a university, you will understand that this is a bit different than what you will do there. In fact, most universities don't even offer creative writing. It's always geared towards the academic writing instead. I think it has a lot to do with it being almost impossible to grade someone writing creatively. Of course, there are no grades at Lighthouse. You simply do or do not as Yoda once said.

Anyway, that is what I am doing right now. I have taken the first step on a thousand mile journey. It is not easy to write a book, as I found out once upon a time, but I think I have a good foundation for getting this one going. Maybe I can sell it and write the rest of the books in the series too. Oh, did I forget to mention that? It is a five to seven book series total. Yep, nothing like jumping all the way into the deep end.

What? It's only been six days.

2015-02-19T14:31:00.003-07:00

I know I said I was going to come right back to this, but clearly I didn't. That's okay. We all need hard to attain goals or we won't strive hard enough. (wow, really spun the narrative on that one to make me look good) After missing two years, six days is almost great. (said no one ever who has been waiting 5 extra days for something that was supposed to happen in 1 day)

That's not even the full depth of the crappiness of this post. I'm writing on this thing instead of starting my new book. I have a fully formed outline and direction and everything I need to go ahead and write my first novel, but instead, I am procrastinating by writing this. It makes my ridiculous justification of not writing earlier that much worse, huh?

Anyway, I was in the middle of letting you all (all? who are we kidding, nobody is reading this) know what I have been doing over the last two years.

There's really not much more to tell. I got a freelance job covering sports for a small newspaper in Niwot, Colorado. It is called the Left Hand Valley Courier and is a free weekly. I get paid per word to go to Niwot High School sporting events around the state and write about them. I probably get paid less than a dollar an hour based on how much time it requires to get a small article done. It is so little, I have flirted with just not even billing them because it is an annoyance. Of course, then I think about how ridiculous that is and send them a bill anyway.

I guess it is time to get to wrapping this thing up. I need to go pick the boys up from school soon. The biggest thing I've got going (if you can call it "going" after all this procrastination) is that I am writing a novel. It's not "Gatsby," but I'm really not going for that. I'm writing a tween novel about kids battling the classic horror monsters like vampires, swamp creatures, werewolves, zombies etc. I think I have finally cracked the code on how to get it started. It will be a series of books and if all goes well, I will sell it to a movie studio so they can hack the thing to pieces. As a freelance/technical writing background person, I'm not into it for the art. I just want to get paid. Look for my stories to hit the theaters in 2030, haha. Hopefully I'll write another blog post before then.

What? It's only been two years.

2015-02-13T08:45:00.001-07:00

Yeah, it's ridiculous, I know. Almost two whole years between posts on this blog. Maybe I'll do better than that now.

Since I've been gone, I have been doing some writing. I wrote for a website called DMV.org for a little over a year. I was basically translating government websites into functional text so that normal people could understand what they are supposed to do when going to the DMV. It was a good gig while it lasted.

Unfortunately, the company changed directions in how they wanted to do the job three different times over the one year. I was the only off-site writer/editor that made it through all three changes. Of course, I knew that once the others had been canned, I was living on borrowed time regardless of how well I wrote. I worked directly for the boss, then I got moved to the second-in-command, and finally to some sort of underling who spent his time blowing sugar up my ass instead of giving me good feedback on my writing. To be fair, the first two people were good to work for, but you know what "They" say, "Third time's a charm." haha.

I spent a rough year not doing much writing in 2014. I did start teaching kids some Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and then I took over an exercise class at the gym too. Then, changes started. A new instructor took over the kids jiu jitsu classes and I don't mesh well with him. I'm sure he's a fine instructor, but I don't like his style, so I'm not doing that anymore. I'm still running the exercise class, which is good.

I tried to publish my children's book, "Santa's Gift" on Amazon. They made it seem so easy to do. It wasn't. Maybe if I didn't have pictures in the book, it would be easy, but that isn't the case. I failed miserably at that endeavor. I'm hoping to get it taken care of properly this year, so be on the lookout for Santa's Gift this coming holiday season.

I got some podcast equipment for Christmas this year. I have recently been working on learning how to record things. I'm hoping to have some sort of podcast going soon, but there is a bunch of stuff I have to learn first. Also, I don't know what I want to talk about. The Bears, Northern Exposure, or just Newsy stuff. I'd like to do them all, but I think I need to hold off and get one thing down at a time.

I also spent a couple weeks in Peru with www.v4peru.com (Voices4Peru), meeting the child I sponsored there and hanging out with Dan Klopp, the president. It was an eye opening experience. I wish I could do more, but I feel so disconnected here in Colorado.

Dan did get some traction in Pennsylvania this year at Westchester University. I met him there and we sold the idea of Criminal Justice major people going to Peru to study the area where our school and futbol team is located.

Both trips were great. I felt so much more connected to the experience by working with others. I think that is one of my major obstacles right now. I really want to work with other people, but I'm trapped in my home, alone, most of the time. I can write here, but not having human interaction is rough.

Okay, I'll ramble more tomorrow about what has been going on in the last couple years. Right now, I have to go get sweaty with some ladies.

Endings

2013-05-03T20:37:00.005-06:00

The house was still standing. A little ways down the street there was nothing but ashes waiting for families to come claim them. It was a week after the storm that destroyed everything on the island. It's usually water that puts out a fire, but the water mixed with electricity and helped start these fires. Some houses remained, but they could not be saved. The ocean had seen to that. Today only a few lonely spirits drift through the wreckage. The old neighborhood is a ghost town.

I am one of the ghosts returning to haunt this place. The door does not want to open. The floors and carpets are swollen with flood water resisting any intrusion into the property it had claimed. Inside is stale and musty. The walls wear a black moldy band about four feet up like a black armband worn in mourning. Once a thriving life filled these rooms, but now the house is a bloated, rotting corpse.

The living room is covered with warped photo albums as if the house tried to take one last look back. Wrinkled, bent, and smeared, the faces smiled out of those photos, and the past, never knowing what lay in store for them. They stick together while everything else falls apart.

The china cabinet built in the garage during those early months of marriage, lay in ruins in the dining room. The fine dining ware it housed, and we never used, was smashed. I flipped it over and found it gutted. The drawers ripped from its belly leaving a gaping emptiness where the silver had been. The scavengers had been here.

These houses are carrion to the scavengers of the city who feel no remorse taking advantage of broken lives. They come in and steal just when we are struggling to find things to help put the old life back together. It is hard to decide whether it would be better if the house had been lost to the sea instead of being drowned and left on the beach to be picked apart.

Out the window, I can see a family from years ago playing in the sand and splashing in the waves. The water that lulled them in with its beauty. The ocean that hides its true face behind the smiling white caps. Salty water that will suck a person down in an instant or slowly eat away at the foundations of a home. Water is a fundamental need for survival, but that water outside the windows is unfit to drink. There is only death in that water, no matter how it tries to hide it.

The door to the basement squeals in protest as it is pulled open to reveal whatever dark secret it hides. The bottom four stairs lie hidden under three feet of dirty water. My wife cleaned the blood and sweat of life out of our clothes in that basement and now this murky water had returned as a physical manifestation of the dirty past I thought had been washed away long ago. I tell myself the stench of basement rot is what brings tears to my eyes as I stare into the dark abyss.

I return to the front room and kick around the wet piles of furniture. Particle board garbage that seemed strong enough, but turned to mush when hit with a real crisis. This is my life now, stuck to the bottom of an old rubber boot.

I test the stairs. They seem strong enough, but I still walk lightly on the sides where I hope there is more support. All I've got left is my health--that's what they say anyway--so I don't want to go risking that too.

Upstairs, everything is gone. Beds. Dressers. Even the linens. Everything the scavengers put value on is gone, but they left the real treasures: the smiling faces in the photos. The bedrooms are now rooms in a museum, existing only to showcase what is on the walls. Those pictures remind me of bugs trapped in amber. They look so alive except for the yellow hue that reveals the truth.

The window in the master bedroom is open. A breeze brings in the clean fresh air off the ocean. I close my eyes. There is no mildew, mold, or rot while standing in front of this window. For a moment, I forget myself and smile just a bit. This is why Doris would never leave this place.

It's time to find the door and get outside. This is no longer home and it won't be good to be here when Doris returns with whatever rat she is with now. I grab our last picture with Tommy and walk through the door. That life is gone and those people don't live here anymore. Outside the air is rancid with the decaying remains of this neighborhood and the ocean behind it.

Fail Blog

2013-05-02T19:18:00.000-06:00

I know I said I was going to start writing once a week on this blog. I know I failed miserably at this since it has been over a month since I wrote last.

The reason I haven't posted anything for awhile is because I've been having a hard time putting a positive post together. Nobody needs another grump on the interwebs. It has been very frustrating for me personally because I try to write things and when I get into them, they feel very negative. It's something I battle with constantly.

That's kinda why I began writing that first post. I wanted to remind myself that the world is actually good because I often lose sight of that. Well, I don't really, but it can seem that way to the outside world when I'm harping on bad things. Needless to say, even that post went south. It wasn't nearly the flowers and puppies type of wonderful I had hoped it would be.

Where do I go now? I've spent a month just grinding my own gears and actually feeling pretty guilty about it even though there's nobody holding my feet to a fire. Except myself, of course. I'm a bit anal. This process has really highlighted that fact for me.

I'm trying to fix that. At least, I'm going to start trying to fix it. If I don't let go a little bit, I'll never write anything. And I do want to write. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it to any of you who may actually be reading this stuff, but it is actually a new goal of mine to write and publish a book.

Yes, I said a new goal. In fact, it's probably my only finite goal right now. I'm not a big goal-setting type of guy. My most feared question whenever it comes up is "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

What? Hey man, let's get through the next five hours and then we can start to talk about the five after that, but five years is a little out of my league.

Every successful person in the world just shook their collective head and sighed. It is one of the most basic of principles and yet, I've never been able to grasp it.

I'm thinking it is that anal, perfectionist, guilt streak I have running through me that is killing me. If I set myself a goal, I have to get there or I will drive myself crazy.

Case in point: I decided I was going to become a high school English teacher when I was a senior in high school. That was 1994. 10 years later, I was finally making that goal happen. I spent 2½ years being stupid, 4 years in the army, and 3½ years in college but I was always moving towards completing that goal.

Then I realized I didn't want to be a teacher. I don't like teachers (no offense; sorry) or the school system so it was probably never a good idea. Anyway, I was faced with the actuality of making this my career and I decided to go in another direction. No big deal, right? It's all worked out.

Wrong. It still nags at me that I didn't become a teacher. Even though it would have been the wrong thing for me to become a teacher, I am still guilty that I didn't complete the goal. Save the advice, please. I know it's a stupid way to think about it, but humans are stupid creatures. We're all doing things we shouldn't be doing even though we are fully aware of the stupidity of it.

So here we go. For the first time in a long time, I have a goal. It's a scary prospect, but as I said, I'm working on becoming a better me rather than sitting around feeling guilty that I didn't write something on my blog. Now I'm going to sit around feeling guilty that I haven't written a book yet.

It's not an improvement per se, but I did write another blog post, right? Maybe I'll actually write a book too.

I'll keep you posted.

P.S. I'm going to try and write on Cottonspew more often. I'm going to toss out any sort of theme and just write whatever I can. That being said, I've always been better writing things when prompted, so if you have anything you would like me to write, let me know and I'll see if I can crank something out on that topic.

The World is Good

2013-03-24T12:29:00.000-06:00

Let me start this version of my blog with a nice, happy thought: The world is good.

It may be odd to start with that, but I'm afraid many people just don't see this fact. If this blog is about anything, it's about seeing things we aren't seeing and trying to take advantage of new viewpoints. So, before I get into discussing some of the lesser things in this world, I want to go on record that the world is good.

So why doesn't it seem like the world is good? Why do I even have to state this as if it isn't well known? It's because of the way we interact, the media, and fear. For some reason, in this country, we seem to want everything to be bad. We are wallowing in our own despair instead of seeing the good all around us.

People tend to talk much more about the horrible things that happen to them rather than tell the good stories. When is the last time somebody came into work in the morning talking about how good their commute was? Instead, people walk in and immediately say, "Traffic was so bad today because some jerk was changing his tire on the side of the road, ruining it for everyone." Invariably somebody agrees with you and tells their story of woe and the perceived horror of the commute is propagated again helping to reinforce the idea that commutes are horrible.

I'm not saying that the commute is the best part of the day, but think about all the good things the commute represents. You have an operational vehicle, which I think is an excellent thing. The guy with the flat wishes he had your car. Maybe your slower commute let you hear some more good music or you laughed a few extra times because of the people on the radio. This may not be enough to make you happy about your commute, but it could be worse, right?

The second part of this scenario is the response of others. You might be the only person that had a bad commute into work, but when you walk in and start talking about it, it reminds others of bad commutes too. Now they are becoming a bit more agitated because their good feelings have just been infringed upon by past bad feelings. That person then shares their horrible story, which must be worse than your or why would they want to share it. Now there are at least two people who are annoyed by bad commutes, and one of those is also annoyed because his/her story was just topped by that other jerk who had to belittle the bad commute experience. More than likely, others are bothered by these exchanges as well. So now, one person's bad experience, which probably wasn't all that bad, is being shared by everyone who was within earshot of the initial griping.

Your mother told you if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all. It's good advice, but our mothers never really explained why it was better to say nothing. I hope this little example makes it a little more clear how saying bad things breeds those bad feelings that everyone begins to share. If you just don't say anything about the bad commute, which probably wasn't that bad (cancer, anyone?) in the grand scheme of things. Instead, tell someone about that funny person on the radio or the good song you heard. Then someone might tell you about something good that happened to them and maybe the office is filled with good feelings first thing in the morning. That would be nice especially if you need help getting rid of that pissed off mood you were in because of your crappy commute. It doesn't take any more effort to cheer something rather than jeer something, but the results can really affect your day.

Another reason many of us are in a perpetual downward spiral of sadness is the media. The news and the opinion shows are killing us mentally and spiritually. A friend of mine used to work for a news program and said their motto was "If it bleeds, it leads," which means that the very first thing they are going to show every broadcast is the story of some tragic event. Plus, it's not enough to just tell us something bad happened, but they will describe it as much as is possible. And, if you live someplace that doesn't have enough bad stuff happening, the news will tell you about a horrible thing that happened somewhere else that really would never affect you except that the local news just decided to remind you that the world is a horrible place.

Each time we hear these things, it hurts whether you realize it or not. It taints our view of humanity. It makes us not like other humans. Do we really need to know every single horrible event that happens in our community? The answer is no. If the event affects us directly, we will already know about it and won't need the news to tell us. If it doesn't affect us directly, or we can't help in any way, I think it would be better to not know. I'm not arguing they need to tell us happy stories instead, though that would be nice, but just don't tell us the terrible stuff so we aren't haunted by the horrors of the world that would not have affected us in any way if we hadn't just seen it on the T.V.

The opinion shows (not that there is any real dividing line anymore) are doing the same thing. This country was not polarized until news media outlets started to take sides and vilify the other side. How are we supposed to feel empathy towards other humans when it has already been instilled in our minds that at least 50% of the population is not just wrong, but actively trying to destroy us? It makes us afraid of people. It makes us afraid to be ourselves in public for fear that someone with a different viewpoint will attack us. It makes us afraid of our government. The reality is that your neighbor, co-worker, or family member has different opinions and they are not bad people. In fact, you may like them a lot. They are not evil creatures. They are good people and we all need to remember that. We are all more complex than a party-line and we should remember that others are too.

Is the news going to stop? No. But we can. We can turn off the news so that they can't infect us with tales of people being bad to people. Turning off the news won't change your life. It won't keep you from hearing about bad things. It will lessen the exposure to the horrors of humanity and that alone may make it just a bit easier to get through the day.

What it all comes down to is fear. Our society is afraid the commute will be bad. We are afraid half the country is against us and is actively working to destroy it. We are afraid the horrible things they show us every single night on the news is going to happen to someone we love. When we are afraid, it is very hard to be happy.

It's hard to not be afraid. It is possible to mitigate that fear. We can start by simply omitting things. We don't have to spread fear by sharing that fear mongering Facebook post, which may or may not even be true. We don't have to tell every bad thing that happens to me to other people. We don't have to watch the news, or talk shows, or reality T.V. We don't have to do these things, so maybe we shouldn't. We can be a little less afraid because we're not surrounding ourselves with horrible reminders that it is a scary world. We can't completely hide from all the bad in the world, nor should we, but if we aren't as afraid, maybe we will notice some more of the wonderful things that are out there.

Once we start to notice the wonderful things, maybe those will be the things we start to share with others. Maybe others will start to share their beauty with us. The world is good. Don't let it hide from you.

Creating Memories We Never Really Had

2013-03-24T12:28:00.005-06:00

“I don't have to tell you that the one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has been erased like a blackboard, only to be rebuilt and then erased again. But baseball has marked time while America has rolled by like a procession of steamrollers. It is the same game that Moonlight Graham played in 1905. It is a living part of history, like calico dresses, stone crockery, and threshing crews eating at outdoor tables. It continually reminds us of what once was, like an Indian-head penny in a handful of new coins.” --W.P. Kinsella Shoeless Joe

Many of you just read that quote and immediately heard James Earl Jones from Field of Dreams in your head. Maybe some of you read the quote and thought: “Wait, that doesn't seem quite right. Who the hell is W.P. Kinsella? What is Shoeless Joe?” What you read didn't quite match what you remembered.

The rest of you didn't make the connection to Field of Dreams at all, and could care less who said it, who wrote it, or where it came from.

Regardless of whether you had memories of the movie, the book, or you are reading it for the first time, we are all sharing this memory of baseball even though we all experienced it differently and at different times. This is Wrigley Field.

We all have the memories of a pristine Wrigley Field even though all of us visited a different Wrigley Field than those before us. It's true that the Friendly Confines has resisted modernization, but the Wrigley Field of our fathers' childhood in the '60s is much different than the one we visited in the '80s and the current one our children will profess love for when they are adults. Each generation bemoaned the fate of the old ballpark whether they were adding lights in '88 or a Toyota sign in 2010. There have been changes, but so far, it hasn't destroyed the feel of Wrigley Field. It still feels like a piece of history, even though we all know it was better when we were kids.

That history is the greatest asset the Cubs have in regards to marketing their brand and their field. Much has been made of needing advertising, but Cubs fans are up in arms against it because they don't want to go to their beautiful hundred-year-old ballpark and see a garish red Toyota sign. They aren't revolting against advertising as much as they are arguing for keeping the old-timey experience. The Ricketts can use this to their advantage. I think they can sell tons of advertising all over Wrigley Field, create things for kids to enjoy, and not alienate Cubs fans.

If I owned the Cubs (we've all said that before), I would do a complete Disney-fication of Wrigley Field. Disney World doesn't make money because they have the best rides; they make money because they have the best atmosphere. Every ride has a theme and that theme is carried out from the start of the line to the exit tunnel into the gift shop. It is a full experience and the nostalgia of time gone by, embodied in the walls of Wrigley Field, is what should be marketed from start to finish at Wrigley Field.

It would start when the fans arrive to a newly restored Wrigley Field. It will look just like we imagined it did back when it was still a new field. They will look up at the red marquee with a temporary board announcing the team, month, and dates of the current homestand just like it was back before digital technology. While the fans wait to be admitted, Chicago blues music will float down from the rooftop bar above. Fans will then be admitted by ticket takers dressed in period clothing from the '20s.

Just inside, paperboys will be selling programs that are made to look like newspapers (at least the outside will look like a newspaper with the inside being very modern with glossy ads and pictures of players). More programs, and souvenirs, will be available at the NEWSTAND near the entrance.

About 30 seconds after grabbing a paper, it will be time to hit the speakeasy for a bottle of the good stuff. A guy dressed like a shady character or a woman in a cigarette girl outfit will sell the fan a beer and a dog from the food-stand or food-window that “secretly” has beer too. Now the fans head for their seats.

As they walk along, all the latest and greatest products are displayed in advertising everywhere. The ads all look like old Coca-Cola advertising. Many of them have a Norman Rockwell painting style; a boy dressed in his ball uniform playing catch with dad in the front yard with a 2013 Toyota Prius parked in the driveway. The golden age advertising makes the fans feel like they are headed into a post-WWII when baseball was king.

The ushers dressed in period uniforms of the '30s or '40s await the fans at the different sections of seating. When the fans sit down, they look out on Wrigley Field, ivy walls, and the old hand-operated scoreboard that their fathers' watched when they were boys. All along the top of the bleachers is more advertising like they saw as they walked up. Huge billboards showing a golden age of America even though they are selling new products.

By the second inning, the kids want to go wandering. At Wrigley Field they can go out onto the concourse and find the 5-piece brass band playing tunes every half-hour. The kids can see the musicians play their instruments and dance to the music. Then they can go over to see the organ. Wrigley Field has a beautiful, large organ that anybody can go by and watch while the organist performs the soundtrack to the game being played on the field. Behind the bleachers, young men with buckets, a fan favorite, are drumming away on the five gallon. Up on the rooftop patio, a blues guitarist is playing a Chicago Blues show every half-hour. The kids love seeing the different parts of the old ballpark and hearing the different types of music in each area.

The Cubs win and the game is over. The fans sing to the only song heard in the stadium that is not organ music. “Go Cubs Go” finishes and the fans head for the exit. They stop and buy souvenirs of their day in another time at Wrigley Field and then step back out into the bustling city of Chicago circa 2013 and beyond.

When they go home, the fans tell their friends about how going to the game was like stepping back into a different era. They talk about how everything at Wrigley Field was completely different than any other field they have visited. Their friends will be amazed that there was no jumbotron. The kids will talk about the music they heard that they'd never heard before.

Instead of being just another field with the latest pop song blaring between innings, fake races being run on the jumbotron, and mascots being pushed around by drunk jerks who think teddy bear beatings are funny, Wrigley Field will become that Indian-head penny in a handful of new coins. It will be the place people want to go to see what baseball was like before teams decided they needed to distract fans from the game with every electronic gizmo around. The team will be allowed to put up advertising and even bad Cubs years will still be good Wrigley years because people will come for the experience. The experience of watching baseball like they think their parents and grandparents did and sharing that with their children.

“It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again. Oh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.”--James Earl Jones Field of Dreams

Screaming into the Wind

2013-03-22T16:21:00.002-06:00

I haven't written for awhile. I have never really had a good feel for what this blog should be about, plus, I'm lazy. I'm hoping to change that now.

I've written a few, very few, personal things on this blog. Most of the stuff I've written is Onion-style fake news stories. Last year, I was even going to try and write about the Cubs, but it was a little disheartening trying to describe how they lost 101 different ways.

So, now I'm going for the new iteration. I will be writing something every Saturday. It may be a bit eclectic, but I think the main focus is my opinion on how to change the world. Okay, not the WHOLE world all at once. Just certain things that pop into my head that seem like common sense to me, but for some reason are not practiced or aren't seen by others.

It's my way of screaming into the wind. It won't make any real difference and most people probably won't be able to hear it, but I'm going to do it anyway. Maybe I'll feel better at least. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not just going to be whining and bitching. I'm going to be writing about solutions. Anybody can bitch about things, CottonSpew is spewing answers.

So jump on and listen up, maybe you'll learn something. Or maybe you'll teach me something after I completely miss on my answers. Either way, let's see what happens.

Michael

A NOSE SMOKING POLICY

2012-04-20T10:10:00.000-06:00

In an attempt to stop the annual 4/20 pot smoking rally at the University of Colorado, police and university officials have deployed a new secret weapon in the war on drugs: fish fertilizer. University officials announced they would shut down the campus to any non-students or non-faculty in order to stop the annual "Smoke In" held on campus that police and officials describe as a party and not a protest. To help with this effort, all the lawns on campus were sprayed down with fish fertilizer, which reeks like dead fish, to keep people from congregating around the campus.

It seems to be an odd tactic to keep pot smokers away considering that many of them smell strongly of body odor, wear waaaay too much patchouli oil, and love skunky smells. It seems that the intended targets of the fish smell may not even notice it through the dense fog of hippy-stank they carry around with them on a regular basis. A non-smoking student on the way to class stated, "I'm somewhat used to the hippy smell, but when you add the fish stink in with it, I'm not sure I will be able to concentrate on anything except trying not to vomit." At least for one student, it seems the university's attempt to keep 4/20 from disrupting the school day has failed.

A few blocks away, near the Boulder Creek, hippies are smoking pot in peace without the annoying smell of fish harshing their buzz.

The "Hair" to the Leadership of North Korea

2012-04-15T12:20:00.002-06:00

North Korean Leader Continues Legacy

In his first public speech, Kim Jong Un, North Korea's newest dictator, has vowed to continue on with the legacy of his father. World leaders were prepared for Un to outline a continued plan of nuclear armament and the build-up of the nation's military. They were caught completely unaware as the entire speech was actually focused on Kim Jong Un's appearance. Kim Jong Un assured his country that although his father was gone, Un would continue to bring joy to the world with his comical appearance.

Over the months since he officially took office, Kim Jong Un has been growing his Kid 'n Play Hi-Top Fade out before addressing the nation. In that time he has also had his late father's polyester leisure suits tailored to fit. Though Kim Jong Un does not have the signature large glasses of his father, he has assured the nation he will soon have even bigger and better ones to debut at his next speech. It seems that while Kim Jong Il was fascinated with Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan, Kim Jong Un is a Cubs fan and is in negotiations with Harry Caray's family to get an old pair of Harry's glasses. As soon as the glasses are obtained, the dictator will hold another public address to further alleviate his country's fears that they will no longer have the funniest looking dictator in the world.

Christopher Reid Issues Apology

Christopher "Kid" Reid of the rap duo Kid 'n Play has issued a statement apologizing to the world about the hi-top fade he helped popularize in the late '80s. According to Reid, he was aware of the dangers of the hi-top fade. "It was just fun at first, but the longer I wore the H.T.F. the more out of control I got. I couldn't keep my ego under control."

According to Christopher "Play" Martin, it was the major factor to the break-up of the group. "Kid was just scary in the late stages of the H.T.F. I saw the horrors of a soul consumed. Kid's H.T.F. led me to search for salvation and find Jesus Christ in my life."

After massive reconstructive scalp surgery to make sure his head could never support another hi-top fade, Chris Reid is still dealing with the emotional scars. "I thought I had put all that behind me and then I saw Kim Jong Il on the T.V. and realized the danger was still out there. And now Kim Jong Un too? I apologize to North Korea and the world for opening the Pandora's Box of haircuts 25 years ago."

Currently Kid 'n Play have reunited and are playing concerts around the world bringing awareness to the dangers of the hi-top fade.

Stocks Rise for GMF Marketing

2012-01-12T17:13:00.001-07:00

In a shocking turn of events, the marketing firm GMF (Generic Marketing Firm) landed Starbucks coffee as a client causing stock prices formerly priced at a penny to rocket to well over a dollar. GMF is known for it's innovative use of plain white labels with black words on their advertising. Despite being responsible for numerous marketing campaigns such as "Beer," "Soup," and "Speed Limit 55," their stocks have never moved more than a few cents up or down. CEO of GMF, John Smith stated, "We've been around forever. Everyone knows our stuff, but for some reason we just never landed that big name client. That's all in the past now. Once people see what we did with the Starbucks campaign, they'll realize we're not only the right client for them, but for everyone." Mr. Smith then revealed the new Starbucks advertisement: "Finally! A Starbucks roast for everyone who always wished Starbucks had a roast like this." After the unveiling, the crowd was dumbstruck for several moments as they read and re-read the slogan. Slowly, the brilliance of the advertisement began to sweep over the crowd. The silence was followed by a smattering of applause, a veritable slow-clap began, until the entire crowd grasped what was in front of them unleashing a full standing ovation for Mr. Smith and GMF. Stocks in GMF rose sharply once the advertisement was rolled out and the business world began calling the Generic Marketing Firm to tap in to the unlimited possibilities of Generic Marketing. On the downside of the business report, every other marketing company in the world have filed for bankruptcy and fired all their employees causing the overall market to plummet on Wall Street today.

Uncaged

2011-12-20T16:08:00.005-07:00

Cindy walked into the gym with her baby in a sling on her chest. There was a cage set up in the middle of folding chairs. It looked like the play pen where Samantha spent much of her time. People sat around the giant play pen waiting for two men to enter it. Cindy sat down and waited for her ex-husband Bobby to be called to the ring.

They'd had a fight and separated. They always fought at the end. But now he was fighting someone else.

The last six months had been good for Bobby. Bobby was getting his life together. He had a new job working third shift in a warehouse. He joined the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Bobby hadn't touched a drink since. He'd gotten into shape.

The gym where he'd been working out had started offering mixed martial arts classes. Bobby was a natural. The owner had started to train Bobby for a real fight. Bobby had a purpose for the first time in his life.

Cindy had even gotten a child support check. He'd called her and told her he'd done it all for her. He wanted to see his little girl and talk to Cindy after the fight.

Bobby looked good to her standing up in the ring. His muscles rippled. It was the first time she'd seen him smile in years. This was the man she'd fallen in love with in highschool. Cindy's eyes welled up with the memories of her past life. Things were so good before...before he...the bell snapped Cindy out of her memories.

The fight started and Bobby attacked. Cindy watched as he threw his punches. She saw Bobby pushing the other fighter against the cage. Grabbing him and holding him there while the man tried to get away. Bobby kneed him in the stomach. He threw the man to the ground and jumped on top of him. The other fighter struggled as Bobby pinned the man's hands to the floor. Bobby hit the man with short little punches in the body that would eventually take their toll. His forearm pushed against the throat choking the man. Then he started hitting the man's face as he lay on the floor. One after another Bobby's fists landed as the man tried to crawl out from under him. The referee jumped on Bobby's back and pulled him off. The other man lay twitching inside the cage.

Cindy drove home fast. She didn't even get Samantha out of her car at when she ran inside. A few minutes later Cindy was speeding down the road again with a trunkful of clothes and no plans to stop.

Animals Not Making News

2011-12-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

Mona Lisa is Stifling a Laugh

For many years the smile of Mona Lisa has left many people wondering about its meaning. Currently, the smile is the result of a barely contained laugh.

A graphic artist recently discovered what he claims are images of animals hiding in the background of the famous painting. He went looking for the images after finding animal references in the writings of Leonarda daVinci even though the references do not specifically, or even generally, refer to the Mona Lisa.

To view the animal images, the painting needs to be tipped on its side. Certain areas on the painting need to be specifically highlighted while the rest of the painting is darkened. Then it is just up to one's imagination to find the menagerie supposedly hidden in the background. Of course, these images, once highlighted, completely discount that there is anything else around them to make them a part of a painting rather than an animal.

It is no surprise that news agencies immediately reported on the story. The idea that little bits of information can be pulled out of the whole and construed to mean anything a person wants it to mean is the basis of many news stories already. When asked about the story, all but one media outlet responded with “Wha?” The only different response was an open mouth, blank eyes, and a bit of drool.

In a related story, after many hours of studying the Mona Lisa myself, I have found an image of the Playboy bunny hidden in the folds of the woman's dress near her breasts. It is currently scheduled to be the cover of Playboy magazine in February as part of their “Artistic Expression of the Feminine” issue.

Dog Bites Man

Reuters reported yesterday in an article titled (I kid you not, this is the title of the article) “Poor Struggling, Rich Spending as Christmas Nears.” In an amazing turn of events, poor people are suddenly cash strapped in the winter while rich people are running around buying extravagant gifts for other rich people.

It seems this winter, due to the completely unanticipated increase in the use of heat and lights due to the cold, dark days, poor people have found they don't have much money. When asked about this a poor person responded, “I didn't have money this summer either. Or last winter. Actually, since I've been poor, I haven't had a lot of money to spend. It's even worse in the winter because I'm poor and cold.”

This is indeed a shocking news story. At least, it may be shocking. Or at least a little surprising. Or maybe even completely normal. The only people who might find this revelation newsworthy are those who are so rich that the idea of poor people is completely foreign to them.

In related stories coming later this week: “Water is Wet,” “The Sky is Blue (Except at Night),” and “News Agencies will Report Anything.”

2011-10-14T10:03:00.000-06:00

Owners of NYC Park Postpone Eviction of Occupy Wall Street

Yesterday, it was announced that Brookfield Office Properties (B.O.P.) wanted the park they owned cleared of Occupy Wall Street protesters. At 7pm the eviction of protesters was cancelled after a meeting with NYC government officials. It seems there was a disagreement as to who should carry out the operations.

B.O.P. officials believed that the NYPD would be handling the eviction duties. The NYC government agreed, but asked for B.O.P. to foot the bill to pay the police who would be conducting the eviction and subsequent arrests.

The B.O.P. argued that they had already paid their taxes and told the city officials to get on with it. NYC officials countered with the fact that the B.O.P., being a very wealthy property ownership group, did not actually pay enough in taxes to cover the costs.

One anonymous company official stated, "Why should we even pay taxes if the government won't intervene when we need them?"

Brookfield Office Properties promptly called off the eviction notice stating, "Fine, we don't care if people live in the streets. Let the city deal with it; we're not paying one red cent."

Occupy Wall Street Raises Awareness of Oppressed Muppets

In the wake of Occupy Wall Street, another long suffering group has caught the public's attention. Marrionette Puppets, or Muppets, have been exploited and oppressed for over thirty years.

In the 1950's Muppets were discovered by entertainment mogul Jim Henson. Immediately upon finding these playful, musical creatures, he realized the potential revenue potential of these colorful Muppets and signed them all, as a species, to lifetime, legally binding entertainment contracts. He then built an empire on their backs.

While there was limited success in the '50s with the Muppets appearing on television shows, the real goldmine came when Jim Henson partnered with the U.S. Government to provide poor children with educational programming on the Public Broadcasting Station. With the Federal Government as a partner, the Muppets challenges to their continued exploitation and oppression have gained little to no notice.

For 60 years this species has been relegated to non-citizen status. According to the government, they are "entertainment properties" and belong to the entertainment corporations who use them as slave labor. Since the late 1960s they have all been forced into a ghetto of New York City called Sesame Street where the Public Broadcasting Station has been televising their lives as a reality show.

All the popularity and fame these creatures have attained has done nothing to improve their living conditions. The most famous Muppets are still forced to live in garbage cans, alleyway nests, or backstage of a dilapidated theater owned by Scooter's uncle. The less famous are relegated to being tossed into boxes with hundreds of other Muppets and kept out of sight of the public so as not to bring to light their horrible living conditions.

This all changed when Occupy Wall Street started a few weeks ago. The Muppets of the Sesame Street ghetto decided to seize the opportunity to get their voice heard and started Occupy Sesame Street. For weeks now there have been Facebook posts, an email campaign, and protests to raise awareness of the plight of these poor Muppets.

Alas, it may all be in vain. The Muppets solidarity has begun to fracture as the Cookie Monster was bought off with the promise of being given 99% of all the cookies on Sesame Street. Snuffleupagus has come out against the rest of the Muppets claiming, "Most of them refuse to believe I even exist so that they don't have to share anything with me." Reporter Kermit the Frog has refused to cover the Occupy Sesame Street protests for the mainstream media severely limiting their exposure. Sadly the most famous Muppet, Elmo, who might actually be able to force the hand of government officials if he were to take part in demonstrations, years ago retreated into a world of his own imagining that he drew with crayons and has been catatonic ever since.

Occupy Sesame Street lives at the moment, but will soon die if the Muppets can't find some way to get their voices heard and taken seriously.

Cotton Candy: Poop and Oil

2011-08-29T14:36:00.001-06:00

Cure for Gas is Poop?

Recent studies in the area of panda poop show that microbes in pandas break down all sorts of hard to process plants. This leads scientists to believe they may be able to use these microbes to create biofuel from inedible plants and plant waste. The study of panda poop as fuel came as a result of a serendipitous trip to an outhouse by a Pandalologisterer. The presence of a corn cob, thoughts of pandas, and poop created a eureka moment. Soon, we may all be benefiting from the lack of plumbing and the ability to use inedible plants instead of corn to produce biofuel. Panda poop scientists, also know as poopy-heads by their stuck up non-poop studying colleagues, hope to one day rub their findings in the noses of evil oil executives.

You Want to Stick a Pipe Where?

Plans are moving forward on a controversial oil pipeline running from Canada to Texas. The new pipeline would be transporting oil extracted from tar sands from Alberta, Canada through Montana, S.Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, and Oklahoma to refineries in Texas. Many activists believe the pipeline is a bad idea due to the ecological cost of extracting the sand and the chance of a spill along the pipeline. In a recent poll, most Americans did not even know where these states were and didn't understand how a pipeline might travel through all of them at once. Only 27 people, all residing in at least one of those states, understood the question. Of those 27 people, 20 of them didn't understand why Texas needed oil. 95% of those polled thought it was a good idea because the U.S. needs to get away from dependency on foreign oil. One oil executive who asked to remain anonymous said, "Stick that up your panda's butt and smoke it" and then cackled wildly as he rolled up the window on the solid gold, stretch limo, humvee he was driving.

Cotton Candy: Old News

2011-08-19T20:46:00.000-06:00

Old Man Dies, Police Not Concerned

Sometime late last night or early this morning an 84 year old man died. It was a tragedy for everyone who knew him. The man, whose condition had generally been deteriorating over the last half of his life, died suddenly and without explanation. This reporter wants to know "why don't we have an explanation?"

I questioned the police officers and the county coroner's office as to the causes of the man's death and both have responded that he was simply old. What is odd about this statement is that there was not autopsy to confirm the man was indeed old. For years, officials have held back on the cause of death until such time as an autopsy could be performed and the exact reason determined. How else could we know that a 90 year old woman died of heart failure rather than massive stroke? What about the 99 year old who suffocated in his sleep when he rolled over in bed on to his face? Clearly these people were not "old," there were real reasons for their deaths and I think the public should know, "Why are old people dying?"

It is a known fact that a large majority of deaths in this country are old people. Is there some sort of virus spreading throughout the aged population? Unfortunately, nobody seems to be concerned about this epidemic. These are dangerous times for the aged, but this reporter vows to continue fighting until we find out specifically what kills the older generations even if it means costly autopsies funded by the tax payer. We will find out why extremely old people die at a much higher rate than young people and then we will stop it from happening.

102 Year Old Man Mistaken for Zombie

In a somewhat related story, a 102 year old man inexplicably got out of his bed and left his nursing facility on the outskirts of town. A local hunter who was leaving the woods next to the facility saw the man walking towards him and mumbling something over and over. The hunter assumed the man was a zombie and promptly shot him in the head.

In a press statement the hunter said, "That old dude was scary. Anybody would have done what I did. I mean, we can't have zombies running around these parts. Imagine if he actually had been a zombie, I'd be a hero."

The family of the victim was surprised by the news. "We thought he'd died years ago. Are you sure he wasn't a zombie?"

The nursing facility believes that the man had simply wandered away as many old people do, but could not be 100% certain the man was actually alive when he left the building. Official cause of death will not be determined until the autopsy has been performed.

Cotton Candy: Not NEWS is good NEWS

2011-08-18T12:04:00.001-06:00

BREAKING NEWS: The Current Economic Situation Started During the Bush Administration

During investigations into the economic woes of the United States, this intrepid reporter found evidence that the economic downturn started in 2008 and was a result of unregulated practices that took place during the Bush Administration's 8 years in office. This is an absolute shock to me because of the continuing reports declaring this to be the Obama Administration's economic crisis. I refuse to believe the Liberal Media has not caught on to this fact. I can only believe that the Obama Administration is actively working to take ownership of this crisis in order to purposely continue the downward economic spiral so that they can hand it off to one of the "lucky" Republicans running for president now. Once the hand-off of the presidency is completed, it will then become that president's fault allowing Democrats to once again win the presidency. In related news, the new head coach of the University of Miami football team has been told he will be fired in 3 years due to the lack of productivity of his team that was decimated by sanctions incurred by the coaches before him.

S&P Being Investigated by the Federal Government After Dropping the U.S. to AA+

Despite propping up the U.S. Economy for years with AAA ratings for mortgage backed securities and the companies that owned them, S&P now faces a federal investigation after dropping the U.S. Government to a AA+ credit rating. For 8 years, S&P heroically signed off on garbage mortgage securities so the U.S. Economy could continue to experience record growth and prosperity. Even though they knew they could not keep the economy from eventually crashing down thanks to the existence of the Democratic Party and poor people, S&P helped keep the job creators rolling in the money so that they could support the dredges of society with jobs. When asked to comment, S&P stated, "So what if some people are having a rough couple of years? We kept them working for at least 7 years with our patriotic credit ratings. If they had cut their costs and not been free spenders they would have money now to fall back on." And on the subject of the Federal credit rating: "Now that the Democrats are running things we really can't continue to carry the economy when we know the Obama Administration just wants to waste money on things like health care. It's not like it was when the Bush Administration was trying to bring freedom and democracy to the world." S&P has little worry the investigation will find anything besides Patriots supporting the country especially since investigations like this take years to complete and by then the Patriotic Republican Party will have returned to office. At that time they are sure the leadership of this great country will have shown they are deserving of a AAA credit rating.

Political Party Bumper Sticker Ideas

2010-08-14T09:56:00.003-06:00

The other day, as I was driving out to the mountains, I saw a bumper sticker on a car that made me laugh out loud. It said "Tea Parties are for little girls and their imaginary friends." And I'm positive Sarah Palin is the Mad Hatter in this scenario. I thought it was hilarious, but then again, I don't like the Tea Baggers. Of course, I don't like any of the political parties. That got me thinking about other bumper stickers that would fit other political parties and their friends. You may have seen these on Facebook when I originally posted them as individual posts, but I didn't want them to disappear into the FB void where I own the content, but FB uses it in my sidebar as a page suggestion or some sort of advertising that I knew nothing about. So here they are in all their dirty, muckraking glory.

Sarah Palin is the Mad Hatter.

The Democratic Party is for people who don't have friends, but would like to buy some.

The Republican Party is for people who have friends and would love to help them so long as they don't have to do anything, pay anything, and can make a buck off of it.

The Green Party is for people who have given up on friends and would rather hug a tree.

The Independent Party is for people who have no friends.

The Libertarian Party is for people who want to be free to shoot their friends.

The Socialist Party is for people who want everyone to be their friends....with benefits.

The Nazi Party is for people who want friends who are exactly like them.

The Occupy Movement is for people who don't want to say who their friends are, or what they are planning on doing, or where they are going.

There you go. If you have a political party and want to make fun of their friends, I'll add it to the list. If you have a political party and you might want me to make fun of their friends, let me know and I'll do my best.

Take care, and remember, vote with your mind, not your party.

Cotton Candy: No Newstritional Value Whatsoever

2010-06-09T09:07:00.002-06:00

White House Reporter Goes Down Spewing

Helen Thomas, 89, retired from the White House Press Corps after telling a Rabbi visiting the White House that all the Jews should leave Israel and go back to Germany and Poland or wherever else they originated. Not reported was Helen Thomas telling the NAACP to go back to Africa, Mexicans to go back to Spain, and Sci...entologists to go back to Helatrobus, Espinol and Arslychus of the Galactic Federation.

4-Sight: New iPhone

Apple introduced the new iPhone 4 today. After the ceremony, Jobs was overheard talking about all those idiots who bought the iPad, calling it a large, mock-up of this newest iPhone they were using during development. He reportedly laughed when he noted, "It's called a freaking iPad for god's sake. They didn't know it was a joke?" Jobs then rolled away on his solid gold segue.

In related news, the iPhone 5 and iPad with wings are already completed and due out as soon as everyone has the current versions. Estimates say this could be next week.

Rookie Mistakes

The least talked about sports draft happened today. Bryce Harper, 17, was taken first by the Nationals. The Nats will now have about 35 million dollars wrapped up in two players who have yet to play an out in Major League Baseball. Three of the four fans in attendance at today's game were ecstatic. The Detroit Lions called to congratulate the Nationals on getting the number 1 draft pick in consecutive years and dumping tons of money into unproven players. Lions management is excited the Nationals may knock them off the worst return for players drafted number 1 list.

My News. (Not news) (or maybe) (There is really no telling with the nature of reality)

2010-06-05T02:02:00.005-06:00

Tar balls are now washing up on Florida beaches. To the relief of BP, it is related to the Rod Blagojevich court proceedings and not to the Gulf Oil Leak.

As the devastation of the Gulf Coast Region of the United States continues, former Governor Rod Blagojevich made a statement to the press denying any connection to the disaster. Upon further questioning the former governor did admit to returning the Chicago River from the Irish Green back to its normal brown color simply by dipping his head in the river on March 18th. Scientists have found the tar balls in Florida to be composed primarily of hair gel, XXXX, XXXXXX XXXX, mousse, and Just For Men hair coloring. (The other two ingredients would make my readers sick to their stomachs so the editor has decided not to publish them.) Because the Chicago River ultimately ends up in the Mississippi River and therefore the Gulf of Mexico, scientists agree there is a 97% chance of this being the origin of the tarballs. Brer Rabbit, currently trapped in Rod Blagojevich's hair, has confirmed this might indeed be the case. BP executives are excited by this news and have stopped trying to stop the oil leak in an effort to blame the entire incident on Rod Blagojevich. In related news, BP has optioned the rights drill Blagojevich's hair, which the former governor is using to finance his defense.

After a couple of days reviewing the tape, Armando Galarraga wants to overturn his decision to be cool about the whole thing and now he wants to punch Jim Joyce in the throat.

A funny thing happened on the way to Armando Galarraga's perfect game in Detroit. It wasn't a perfect game. Jim Joyce, the first base umpire, called the 27th, and clearly the last, out in the game safe. It was the whiff heard round the world. Jim Joyce simply blew the call. The call was a funny thing as evidenced by the amazed smile of Galarraga himself. Everyone was upset, but Galarraga just smiled and headed back to the mound to record the 28th out of his perfect game. The news of this travesty, easily on par with the World Trade Center or the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars based on the media coverage, has been hotly debated. The question is whether or not the call should be amended and a perfect game awarded, or left as it is. The umpire apologized in tears to Galarraga. In a true act of decency and sportsmanship, Galarraga forgave Jim Joyce and let by-gones be by-gones. At least until he saw the replays. Through a translator for the translator, who has a seriously strong accent, Galarraga claimed he thought the play was a bit closer than it was. The video showed how egregious the missed call was and now Galarraga has stated through the translation of the translator that he will be skipping the next few games because Jim Joyce will be there and Armando wants to punch Jim in the throat so that he can't make any more stupid calls. In related news, BP has released documents about their off shore drilling program with Jim Joyce's signature on them declaring them safe.

Lebron James is now free to go to any NBA team he chooses as Cleveland teen brings Spelling Bee Championship to the city.

Anamika Veeramani, from Cleveland, Ohio, won the Scripps National Spelling Bee Friday night, bringing a championship to the trophy starved city. Anamika Veeramani credited her parents with the victory because they gave her such a ridiculously long and difficult name to spell. "You don't even want to know what my four middle names are" said Anamika. After Anamika's victory, she yelled, "Go Cavs!" clearly having no idea the Cavaliers were eliminated by the Boston Celtics a week before as she has been chained to a chair with a dictionary in front of her for the last two months. The Cleveland Cavaliers, in a nice gesture to an actual champion, set up a call to Anamika with Lebron James who congratulated her on her victory.Lebron thanked Anamika immensely for bringing a championship to Cleveland and then asked her to spell NewgoglebazilimillionsYork. Unfortunately, the call was cut short when Anamika asked Lebron for tickets to an NBA Finals Game. In related news, BP issued a statement claiming the Gulf Coast is not nearly as bad as the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland because the Gulf of Mexico never actually caught fire.

Something Else to Remember on Memorial Day

2010-05-31T22:40:00.001-06:00

Memorial Day is a day set aside to remember those who have sacrificed in the Armed Services. It is usually reserved for those who served their country. While this is important, we should also remember those friends and family members who were left at home to worry, grieve, and if they were lucky, care for their heroes when they returned from the horrors of war. Still, only remembering the sacrifices of these people is not sufficient to truly honoring them. If we wish to honor those who have served, we should remember the situations which required their sacrifice and work to ensure the same sacrifice should not be needed by their children and grandchildren.

We should remember that most of those who have suffered because of the atrocity of war did not start the war. Private Snuffy did not decide on his own that the U.S. should intervene in Vietnam. SGT. Snuffy did not determine whether or not Saddam Hussein should be in power. There are no Rambos in this world. The enlisted men and women do not take it upon themselves to wage wars. That decision rests solely on the shoulders of Congress. (At least it is supposed to be though the office of the president has been working for about 70 years to change it.) We should recognize this and make it a point to elect officials who are less ready to send their constituents to war.

We should remember hearts and minds cannot be changed at the point of knife or barrel of a gun. It is quite the opposite. Violence can only harden hearts towards the violent. Violence can only ignite thoughts of revenge. On Memorial Day, we remember the violence directed towards our fallen brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, friends, and fellow countrymen and weep that we have lost them. Our hearts are then hardened. Our thoughts towards other countries are turned bitter. The rest of the world does the same towards us for the exact same acts of violence because their soldiers died in those places too.

Our brave men and women deserve to be honored and remembered. They deserve to be honored because they did what they believed to be right. They deserve to be honored because they did what they had to do. I believe we can honor them by seeing what they had to do and making sure others do not have to do it.

On Memorial Day, maybe we can start to forget a few things. Maybe we can forget that which has hardened our hearts. Maybe we can forget the bitter memories towards other countries. Maybe we can forget our violent past and reputation. Maybe if we forget, we can forgive. Maybe if we forgive, we can find better things to remember in the future.

Maybe we will remember the peace we enjoyed when the fighting stopped. Maybe we can remember humanity. Maybe we will remember to love all people. Maybe the rest of the world will remember how we changed and follow us. Maybe someday we will remember and be able to smile.

A story is worth a hundred words

2010-05-20T12:00:00.000-06:00

This was originally printed in the May 3, 2005 issue of the River Cities Reader as an honorable mention for the Short-Fiction Contest.

Buying In

The crowds were eager and excitable as we faced off. Tension and heat connected us. Two crowds became one. The effect was deafening. Our voices and signs fought for the air. The crowd was everything.

Everything faded when I saw Protest Girl. She stood out amid chaos. She danced with friends. She sang dissent. Her sign, wittier than my own, bounced to the beat. Her face glowed under a blue bandanna. Everything revolved around her.

I imagined being her friend. Her smile directed at me. Holding hands. Dancing... As I daydreamed, the crowds began to shift.

Protest Girl's dance moved. My mind buzzed as she neared. I put myself into her path. The noise of the crowd returned. I was together with Protest Girl. The crowd was everything.

Spit landed on her cheek. Her eyes widened in horror. Shock took her voice. Her sign dropped. Her feet stopped. She no longer stood out.

My crowd enveloped me. It was just a crowd. The crowd was everything.

Is Was, a Paradox

2010-05-20T08:57:00.001-06:00

I know what to say but I have no ideas. Of what I know, involves no things, only ideas, but I say the things that I know, ideas, not things, things about ideas, is was, a paradox.

I know not knowing, no ideas, no things to say, that which I know of, no, but I know to say that I say that I know, to say that I do not know, what I know not, but I know of knowing, no I do not, but I know, is was a paradox.

I know of the paradox, is was not a paradox, is is not a paradox, is was a paradox, the paradox does not know is was, as feet know not a pair of socks, no ideas, but I know, I say that I know while I do not know what to say, is was, a paradox.

I know no knowing of what to say, but knowing what I do not know, which I know not, and saying that I know what I know not is, was a paradox.

I know what to say.

No, I know to say what.

What do I know, I have no ideas to know the things that I do not know, I know what and I say no, and know, but what, and what I say, what I know, I know to say what, I know no things, to say nothing of what I know nothing of, I know that thing I say I have no knowing knowledge of, the thing that is nothing I know of, but I know not that I know these things, is was, a paradox.

I still know not what to say, I know what, that I know, but I know that I have said that I know nothing of that thing, no nothing, or no thing, that thing, but I know to say that I know things, but I do not know no things, nothing, I have said things, not nothing, I know that I do not know what to know, but I say that I know nothing, but what I have said, a thing is, a thing was, a paradox.

The thing is, was, a pair of socks, of socks I know things, but nothing of what I say knows things of socks, they are things, words, words know nothing, but I know the things that know nothing, I say these things, but I know no things that know nothing of me, but things know things that words do not know, say what, what, I know what, I know what things know nothing, but these things know not of knowing nothing, I know what the things know nothing of, but not all of what they know nothing of, I do knot know all things, or no things, or nothing, but things, I know not of the things I do not know, but knowing that I know what is, was a paradox.

Is, was, is a thing, was a thing, is is nothing, was is, after is, a thing, a straight line, time is nothing, time is a thing, was a thing, is is not anymore, time was is, now time is was, a straight line, circling, I know of time, I know what, I know no, I know things, I know is, I know was, I know a paradox: is was, a paradox.