Counsel the Heart of Culture

If Only... and Midnight in Paris

2012-03-16T09:54:00.019-07:00

(No.2 in a series on the 2011 Oscar Films)

"I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not" ~ Mark Twain

There’s a decadent French pastry cafe near us that’s to die for… you know what I mean. Isabelle Brien’s has creamy cappuccino, buttery almond croissants, savory french toast (obviously), and a sweet name that reminds me of my grand-daughter. It’s a fine breakfast with ma belle femme on a Saturday morning.

Which is why I’m thinking about film critic David Edelstein’s recent remarks on the film Midnight in Paris, when he boiled down the basic philosophy of Woody Allen's films in one sentence: "Life is meaningless… the best you can do is find a good restaurant." Seems like alot to ask from your beef bourguignon! However, food and feasting do hold incredible meaning for us - if we'll listen.

And in Midnight, Allen has his fine restaurant. Paris is romance par excellence, and we're treated to a visual feast from the opening credits. In classic Woody style, he also sets the table for us with some great questions. Yes, we do often find ourselves dissatisfied, with our time (doesn’t every age?), and our circumstances can feel meaningless, as even Solomon discovered – so what to do? Have another croissant! Merci!

Or, as Paris suggests, why not escape to the “good old days” - even the ones that haven't happened yet?

Nostalgia Calls

On vacation in the “City of Lights” with his upwardly mobile fiancé Inez (Rachel McAdams), Hollywood screenwriter Gil Pender's (Owen Wilson) dissatisfaction with life kicks into high gear. If only he could go back to the golden age of literature - Paris in the 20's! Hear the heart of Hemingway; see the flair of Fitzgerald! If only he could leave the shallowness of his day-job behind, and finally pen something with substance! If only he could marry Inez, and return to Paris to write - ironically, a novel about “a guy who owns a nostalgia shop.”

But while Inez indulges her “if only” with the insufferable Paul (Michael Sheen), a pseudo-intellectual who prefaces his sentences with “If I’m not mistaken…”, (a sure clue that he probably is), Gil strolls deep into the heart of the city. Eventually, he sits down to rest…

And at the stroke of midnight, an elegant taxi appears to whisk him back in time, to the golden age of his dreams! There’s Gertrude Stein (Kathy Bates) to dispense literary advice, Salvador Dali (hilariously played by Adrien Brody) to show him the essence of love and art, and even Ernest Hemingway himself (in a great turn by Corey Stoll) to suggest the meaning of life:

Hemingway: Have you ever made love to a truly great woman?

Gil: Actually my fiance is pret-ty sexy...

Hemingway: And when you make love to her, you feel true and beautiful passion, and you for at least that moment lose your fear of death...

Gil: ...No, that doesn't happen...

Hemingway: I believe that love that is true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving, or not loving well, which is the same thing...and when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face, like some rhino hunters I know, or Belmonte [the matador], who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds, until it returns, as it does to all men. And then you must make really good love again...think about it.

L’amour! Surely this is the meaning of life? But when Gil finds himself smitten with the alluring Adriana (Marion Cotillard), he soon discovers (surprise!) that she is also dissatisfied with her own age. Alas, this has all been tried before, with gusto: wise Solomon went this route to cure his meaninglessness, and 700 concubines later, he came to a different conclusion (see Ecclesiastes 7:2).

We Want to Change our Circumstances…

As Gil loses himself in the past, surrounded by his real-life idols, Allen flirts with the question: Is a change of circumstances, or even the ability to “turn back the clock” the real issue? Is romance, or beauty the meaning we’ve been searching for all along? Or might there be something even deeper? Listen to CS Lewis:

Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. Wordsworth's expedient was to identify it with certain moments in his own past. But all this is a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering. The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers... C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Could it be that the search for the good old days are less about the days (or whatever it is we think we need), and more about our hearts? Perhaps this is why "the past seems so much more vivid, more substantial, than the present," writes A.O. Scott. But maybe "... the good old days are so alluring because we were not around, however much we wish we were..." Maybe this is what Solomon was getting at when he said,

"Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions.” Ecclesiastes 7:10

...But God Wants to Change Our Heart

So allow me to suggest...

A New Philosophy: Life is meaningful, so find a really good restaurant!

Wait, you say - that sounds a bit un-spiritual! But remember how Jesus kicked off his ministry? His first miracle, announcing what his whole mission was really about, took place at a feast - a wedding. 180 gallons of water were transformed into the finest wine. What was going on?

Like you and I when we attend the marriage of friends, Jesus was thinking about his own wedding! That day when He would take His ransomed bride and throw the most amazing party and feast that has ever been, beyond our wildest dreams:

"On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine--the best of meats and the finest of wine." Isaiah 25:6

Which means that in holding up his glass of fine wine, Jesus was trying to show us the meaning of life! There's a wedding coming...

And you must remember that the way there, to the feast – as well as the meaning of your every moment today - is completely unexpected. The “foolishness” of the cross (I Cor. 1:18), where real love won the day, opens the door to life. Real celebration. Because on that "good old day," the King of Love pierced the heart of evil, and a world of darkness was flooded with light .…and meaning was revealed. Forgiveness flowed forth. Slaves to sin were set free, and brought back to God – our deepest longing.

Three days later, Christ stepped out of the grave, having "swallowed up death in victory." So that this day, this moment, you could find your meaning, and new strength to love, in Him.

Midnight in Paris is full of whimsy and wonder, a great film to enjoy and to help us explore what really matters: where we look for meaning. So the next time you take a bite or lift a glass, pause and wonder...and give thanks. There's a greater, more lavish feast coming. Think about it...

Note: Taking an x-ray picture of our heart (our dreams and escapes), as counselor David Powlison says, is an important clue for discovering what rules and enslaves us, and where we tend to look for meaning. The place where we sip our usual daydreams, indulge our if onlys...then I'll be happy!"? can tell us alot about what we're really living for.

Here's a few of our everyday, garden variety if onlys…

If only I had more money…(living for pleasing ourselves, pleasure)

If only ______ would notice me! If only my nose was straighter, my butt smaller, my hair less curly (or straight)… oh, if only I hadn’t had that second croissant! ...(living for approval)

If only my kids were nice, obedient children...(living for good behavior, pride, and nice circumstances in life...)

It’s a smorgasboard of poison - often masquerading as real food - that's never ending. And when we find ourselves dining there for our meaning and joy (instead of enjoying them as gifts, with thankfulness), we not only grow sick and in despair, but miss the greater meal and greater affection our hearts were made for. Only Christ is strong enough to conquer the idols that enslave, setting us truly free to love well again. So learn to feed on him, for He has prepared a real feast for you in His Gospel. Taste his mercy, kindness, and love - and see that He is good!

Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do Eccl. 9:7

Telling Your Story

2012-03-10T11:25:00.002-08:00

Interrupting our look at the Oscar movies of this past year to ask, "How well do you know your own story? Are you able to speak the meaning of your story to others?" A great resource for diving in to the meaning of your own story is To Be Told: God Invites You to Coauthor Your Future, by Dan Allender.

Allender says, "Mirrors are needed to see who we are. Our stories can be a mirror in the hands of our friends and loved ones." Good counseling, like an insightful friend, can help us to know our own stories as others "who know our past help us look into our present."

Moneyball, and the Father's Blessing

2012-02-28T10:12:00.015-08:00

(No. 1 in a series on the 2011 Oscar Films)

There’s a scene in the Oscar-nominated film Moneyball that took my breath away. But hold that thought a moment....

This artfully crafted film starring Brad Pitt as Billy Beane, General Manager of the 2001 Oakland A’s, is much more than a sports story about baseball lore. “Converted” by his number-crunching sidekick, Peter Brand, (Jonah Hill), Beane chucks the conventional wisdom of the baseball sages to put together a team where money and status bow to passion and heart - and the question of someone's real worth is brought into focus.

We see it in one especially funny bit in the film when Billy, surrounded by his team of seasoned scouts, keeps asking “What is the Question?” over and over, while the “experts” feed him what it really takes to win: a right stance on the mound, a sweet-looking swing, and even a good face for TV. But as the story unfolds, Billy and Peter wonderfully seek out the “hopeless cases,” players that the rest of the world has ignored. As Brand puts it, it’s like a fielding a team on the “Island of misfit toys.” Not unlike what God does with the church, I thought – the God who delights in choosing the weak things to shame the strong.

But one of the sweetest scenes for me (you knew I’d get to it eventually), however, is when Billy is serenaded by his daughter Casey, played by Kerris Dorsey. Shy and reluctant and first, she gives in to her dad’s requests in the middle of the music store to sing out instead of just hum. Why? Because she longs to hear the words her father will say to her…that she is worth more to him than others, and that she is treasured and delighted in. She wants his blessing, and to know that she is not alone...

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go, can’t do it alone I’ve tried

And I don’t know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment

I’m so scared but I don’t show it

I can’t figure it out

It’s bringing me down I know

I've got to let it go...

Watching Billy’s face as his daughter plays the guitar and sings to him is a wonder, and Pitt plays it perfectly. It’s a study of deep joy, and of awe - and yes, of pure delight. To hear her voice makes his own soul sing. There’s nothing more beautiful.

The Father’s Blessing

The scene especially reminded me how we long, even ache, to hear our father’s blessing. A strong case can be made that ancient Jacob, that deceiver who conspired with his mother Rebekah to steal his father Isaac’s blessing, was plagued his whole life by repeated attempts to fill the “blessing void” inside him with another person. Maybe it's partly why it’s a breeze for him to work seven years to win his Rachel (that, and her beauty). And when he finally comes to that climactic scene of wrestling in the dark with God Himself (in the person of Jesus, I would suggest), what does he want? He says it himself:

“I won’t let you go unless you bless me” (Genesis 32:26)

Out of this wrestling, Jacob gets more than he bargained for - a limp, and a new name: Israel (which means, “he struggles with God”). Note well: It’s the 2 marks every believer will carry with them the rest of their lives.

The Singing Savior

This longing for a blessing during the “dark nights of the soul” needs a vision. It’s why I love the coronation scene at the end of The Lord of the Rings,The Return of the King. There we see the assembled throng, as Gandalf lifts high the crown of the new king and places it on Aragorn’s head. But what happens next is the real wonder. He opens his mouth, and begins to sing over his rescued people. We get the sense that in the back of Tolkein’s mind, Zephaniah 3:17 is resonating:

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

In this life, you and I will often find it hard to sing. At such times, we must remember this: someone else also wrestled in the dark – for you, and for me.

But why would he do it? Why would the God-man Jesus want to take this on, for rebels like us? As Tim Keller asks, “Really, what do you get the man who already has everything?” Jesus had his father’s blessing already– but he put it all aside, choosing instead to be hung on a cross and forsaken – for you. Because you were the one thing he didn’t have. You were the “joy set before him,” his true Rachel. And when morning comes, he will sing over you!

In Moneyball, there’s a reason that Billy comes to a place of dissatisfaction. Yes, baseball has a certain romance – the ninth inning home run, the rare no-hitter. But a winning season, just like the accolades of this life, is all just so….temporary. Like us, Billy wants something more, something that will last.

So remember this: the father longs to hear your voice. He loves it. The Savior who wrestled for your blessing longs to bring it forth. And though he speaks to you now by Word and Spirit, one day your fading ears will come alive to a new voice – one that will sing over you with such beauty, your heart will melt in gratitude. Until then, know that in Christ, you have his blessing right now (see Eph. 1:3)... and then listen for his song of comfort in the night.

Note: The psalmist remembers, and sings his songs in the night (see psalm 77). In the painful night times of your life you may also ask the question he asked: “has his unfailing love vanished forever?” (77:8). Here is where you must also ask yourself, What am I really longing for? Pain relief only? And who (or what) am I trusting in as my “Blessing substitute”? See how the psalmist himself wrestles for his hope, as he reminds himself of the Gospel story: “With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph” (77:15).

Glorious Forgiveness

2012-02-10T17:54:00.016-08:00

Counselor Ed Welch shares the story of a young man who left Christianity behind, only to show up at a worship service later in life. When Ed found the young man afterward and asked him what brought him back to seeking Christ, he simply said, "my father asked my forgiveness for his anger. I knew God must be real, because he had never done that before."

Why is having to ask forgiveness such a rare thing? Parent to child, spouse to spouse, friend to friend - why are we not quicker to run to the "sinner's place" with these precious relationships? (See Stanley Voke's excellent article, The Sinner's Place). I mean, if what Jesus says about us all is true in his famous Sermon on the Mount, that essentially we are all adulterers and murderers who live with adulterers and murderers, then why are we surprised?

I'm convinced that this is so for two reasons:

1.) We're all so addicted to self-righteousness (see Rom. 10:3), that this leads us to a very small view of sin, and also the cross.... we simply refuse to be the bigger sinner, with the bigger log in our eye. Yet our willingness to reveal the truth about us actually displays God's strength and grace!

2.) We're all addicted to the idea that good behavior (morality) is enough of a goal, and so sin and grace simply aren't the main themes of our lives - when they should be our norm.

Do you want to give others around you a taste of God, and His grace? Then own who you really are - an adulterer. Do you want to give others a taste of glory? Then own your lusts, your addictions to your gods (including your "electronic dis-associations" that keep you from loving people, as Dan Allender calls them), and also your anger when those addictions get blocked.

This will be impossible on your own, so pray. Unless you see your sin as the log; even greater, unless you see your great debt against a holy God as the real issue, forgiving others will be impossible. But once you know the great debt you've been forgiven, you may claim the righteousness of Christ as your new clothing and be rid of your own rags - they're only the Emperor's new clothes anyway. Then a new freedom will come to ask forgiveness of those you've failed to love and hold in awe, as a fellow image-bearer of a glorious God.

This, perhaps like nothing else, will show people why the Gospel is true - maybe even more than your preaching and counseling - for they will see why it is that you need a Savior. As Jesus said, "I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners...." (Luke 5:32) Which camp will you be in?

Who is Your Father? (Impossible Parenting 2)

2012-02-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced that most Christians know about God's love in theory, but in practice, tend to have a warped view of Him as "Father." Our upbringing, wayward hearts, and the deceitfulness of Satan may all be against us.

So what if our family background taught us that "father" meant someone who was absent, or even distant or cruel? (Sadly, it's an increasing reality in our culture.) Or what if we were taught about God, yet without a true understanding of grace, and so we now wonder if we can really rest in the arms of a good and loving Father?

It becomes a crucial question on a practical and interpersonal level too, for one of my best hopes for my family to see the real heart of God in this "impossible calling" of parenting - in addition to prayer - is a changed me.

For these reasons especially, our hearts so often need to be bathed in the gracious promises of the Father; to hear the words spoken to His own beloved Son Jesus: "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." (Matt. 3:17) Amazingly, the Gospel tells us that now, because of what Jesus has done in His righteous life, atoning death, and glorious resurrection, that very same statement the Father spoke of Him also applies to us!

"Behold the throne of grace... there Jesus holds a smiling face" (John Newton)

If you belong to Christ, you can insert your own name: "_____ is my beloved son (or daughter), in him (or her), I am well pleased!" Now, as members of God's new family by grace, God wants us to call Him our "Abba," (or Daddy) Father:

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Son-ship. And by him we cry, “Abba (“Daddy”), Father” Romans 8:15

J.I. Packer, in his classic book Knowing God, says:

"If you want to judge how well a person understands Christianity, find out how much he makes of the thought of being God’s child, and having God as his Father. If this is not the thought that prompts and controls his worship and prayers and his whole outlook on life, it means that he does not understand Christianity very well at all ... “Father” is the Christian name for God.…Our understanding of Christianity cannot be better than our grasp of adoption." (pp. 201–202)

How vital this is for us to trust! The reason is this:

The more we know we are loved by our Father, the more we will begin to love others well. It is for this that we were made!

Consider the great mindfulness of your Father - His thoughts are on you 24/7 (see Psalm 139:7). He is continually attentive, full of thoughtfulness, and knows your every sigh, sorrow, and pain. Yet how prone we are, especially when conflict and great stress arises, to instantly trust ourselves and forget the Father's love!

The good news is, God's Word is for you. In it, you will find law (commands) and Gospel (free gift) side by side...and to gravitate to the law alone without the gift will destroy you. (Actually, that's part of it's job - as a mirror to show you your dirty face (heart) and destroy your pride, and lead you to the soap (the blood of Christ) which alone can cleanse you (see Gal. 3:24).

So all that is left for you is gift - and the beautiful surprise is, it comes to you again and again, right in the middle of your mess (Rom. 5:8). Christ has kept the law and all its commands perfectly in your place. He is the true, obedient Son - the real and last Adam and older brother who has come to bring you back to the Father. And now His words of promise are intended to go deep into your soul and transform your false thinking and painful emotions, for “man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of God.”

So try the following. Print out the following promises of God and read them once a day for 30 days. Then choose a specific promise to meditate on each day. Begin to let the Word of God fill your mind and transform your thoughts with a new view of the Father's heart, and His amazing grace. Remember that they also express the heart of Jesus, for he said "Whoever has seen me, has seen the Father" (Jn. 14:9).

Finally, as you go, begin to share your reflections of your Father with others, for community (His body) is one way God shows his perfect Father-heart to you ... then thank Him for all He's done, and that He so passionately desires for you to grow in intimacy with Him:

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Galatians 4:4-7: But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, (daddy) Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

John 14:18: “I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.”

Isaiah 54:10: "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you."

Isaiah 54:4 “Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; Neither feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; but you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more."

Isaiah 51:12 “I, yes I, am the one who comforts you. So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear?"

Romans 8:32 God, who did not spare his own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will [the Father] not also, along with Christ, graciously give us all things?

Luke 15:20,22,23,31 (Parable of the Prodigal (or "extravagant") Father):
So the son got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. And the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate."

Hebrews 12:7,10: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.

Isaiah 49:1, 6, 15: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."

Impossible Parenting, Part 1

2012-01-22T12:44:00.000-08:00

You would think a guy who counsels others and has raised 3 kids of our own (my youngest is now 17) would have this parenting thing down to a science by now. (If this were a sitcom, they’d cue the laugh track at this point. Pause a moment for the effect).

But that’s just it, isn’t it – raising children isn’t a science – despite the plethora of self-help books and videos that overwhelm the shelves down at the local Barnes and Noble, or that beg for your time (and money) at your favorite internet hot-spot. Oh sure, you can tell me about the latest "wonderful book you’re reading," and the sure-fire platitudes and proverbs that you’re banking on to “get it right” – even if they’re attached to a Bible verse. (This last crowd might be the most dangerous. I know, I’ve been there. Really, we should know more about God than to think we can cage Him like that. Think instead that He’s more like a lion on the loose…)

But a science? Really? That would mean this life – not to mention parenting - is akin to a kind of controlled experiment, taking place in a sterile lab or clean room somewhere. No extraneous elements to foul the result. Just a dash of this and a drop of that, and you'll get the desired result. It's so darn perfect, because in this world, everyone manages to follow protocol to a “T.”

Cue that laugh track again. (I am sorry, but if that’s what you think life is (or even should be), I can’t help but chuckle. And then ask you what world you're really living in.)

But of course, I’m learning the hard way too. Sometimes I even act as if the above scenario is true; after all, it does fit well with the "American way" of "Father Knows Best" and "Work hard enough and you too can be a success!" Not to mention that Lord knows I’ve read enough books to have a boat load of tips and suggestions – some of which are actually very useful. But lately, I’m preferring what this seasoned parent confessed:

It took me seventeen years to realize I couldn’t parent on my own. It was not a great spiritual insight, just a realistic observation…

Now, a statement that offends my sensibilities like that needs to be unpacked, so I eagerly read on...

... If I didn’t pray deliberately and reflectively for the members of my family by name every morning, they’d kill one another. I was incapable of getting inside their hearts. I was desperate. But even more, I couldn’t change my self-confident heart…I need grace even to pray.

~ Paul Miller, A Praying Life

Please don’t get me wrong. The purpose of quoting that statement wasn’t to make you groan, “Oh, I see, the issue is I’m just not praying enough… and if only I prayed more, things would work out fine with my kids.” Wrong. My purpose was to help you, as a fellow struggling parent, to actually breathe a sigh of relief. To get off the treadmill, and allow yourself to catch a wind of the freedom that can truly come by not having to play God. Call it "weakness parenting."

So, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you and I just aren’t in control of how our kids turn out. (And no, that doesn't mean we do nothing - on the contrary. Love is most free when it flows from a heart that is becoming unhinged from our pathological addiction to self righteousness, and moralism. But more on that later.)

And that’s a good starting place for this awesome calling of parenting… don’t you think? Stay tuned!

Our Greatest Need for the New Year

2012-01-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

Our greatest need for this new year is not to resolve to turn over a new leaf, be more religious, or get more disciplined. Rather, it's simply to rest in the outstretched arms of a real Person, and to know that at our worst, we are unbelievably loved, forgiven, and accepted:

The Not-So-Thin Thread of Thankfulness

2011-11-30T15:46:00.000-08:00

It was just the other day when I caught a glimpse of it, in that still moment of reflection when someone asked, just before the turkey and sweet potato casserole, “So, what are you thankful for?” Truth be told, at the moment of hunger? Not so thankful for questions about thankfulness!

But it is good to be slowed down ... I am too often in a hurry. Taste your food, and savor it. Make more room for these "Consider the lilies" moments. And so I do...

And soon, thankful thoughts begin to race like wildfire. Faces appear, some right in front of me, others from the not-so-distant past – both smiling, and weeping. It is a privilege that I am here at all, I think; to experience this life of joys and sorrows - it is a gift. That too, is grace.

Now as I sit here, days from Thanksgiving, typing thoughts and words and dreams with the Vince Guaraldi Trio’s What Child is This? keeping time with my tapping, I consider, How strange that that one small question about thankfulness can bring a sense that, in gratitude, I am “getting warmer, warmer,” like the children’s game when you’re closing in on the hidden prize. It’s so easy to be in a hurry; add to that, to become jaded about this life, and revert to the status-quo of criticism and the pretended wisdom of the cynic ... it all thwarts this desired gratitude.

Thankfully, a Christmas carol jolts me back to the warmer place, leaving behind the “always winter, but never Christmas” hopelessness that Lewis described. Ahh, there it is again - Christmas working backwards, to put the real thanks into “Thanks-giving.”

Surprised by Gratitude

But of course, it makes no sense at all to be thankful if you’ve been operating from the assumption (maybe even the desired belief) that there really is no one there to say thanks to, right? I remember hearing how the great writer G.K. Chesterton was surprised by this fact, and at a moment in his life when faith still eluded him…

As the story goes, while out strolling one day, he “happened upon” two aspiring artists on the river bank, poised at their easels. Brushes in hand, they attempted to capture the serene beauty of the landscape – for it was a stunningly beautiful day. Pausing to watch them paint, Chesterton could not help notice how their conversation seemed strangely out-of-place, for despite the overwhelming beauty before them, they were filled with complaining. Oddly, and in marked contrast, he found his own heart wanting to say “thank-you” to someone. Beauty, after all, had smote his heart, and it must be acknowledged. But where was this strange sense of gratitude coming from, he wondered? And to whom could it possibly be directed? Chesterton would later say that from that moment onward, he began to hold on to faith by “the thin thread of thankfulness.”

Ann's Story

For years, Ann Voskamp struggled to see any reason for thankfulness at all. At 4 years of age (her earliest memory), she watched as her 18 month-old sister Aimee, the little sister with the silken hair, was crushed in their driveway by a farm truck. Her mother saw it too, watching in helpless horror from the kitchen window. Later, Ann observed how a cloud of despair set in upon her and her family, a winter chill that would not depart. From that moment, her father abandoned faith. And by the time she was in college, Ann was on anti-depressants and suffered with a fear of almost everything (agoraphobia).

It’s painful for me to write these things. I’m reminded of my own family’s suffering - my sister’s ongoing struggle to live life in a wheelchair after a car accident at 17, and dad's cancer. How do you take a risk on love again when you’ve been cut so deeply? And just how do you unclench your fists and open your heart to even the possibility of God – let along a good God who doesn’t deal in cruel jokes and seemingly senseless pain – when you've experienced such great losses? What is God up to?

Love will avoid the easy answers, the “buck up and bear it” or “God works all things for good” response that attempts to make it all go away (so we don’t have to feel it), or explain it with a self-righteous platitude. No, let mystery be mystery, and learn to weep with those who weep is the first order of business.

But there is more. One of the profound things such pain produced in Ann Voskamp’s life was to one day awaken her heart to the suggestion and challenge of a friend: create a list of 1,000 things you are thankful for. In starting, Ann realized something vital: If I am to really do this, I must begin with “the little gifts” of each day. The colors in a soap bubble as she washed the dishes. Children building a snow-fort, making a door in the side. The falling of leaves from an oak. New toothbrushes. Nylons without runs.… (I will leave the rest of the list for you to read and discover yourself! Put her book One Thousand Gifts on your Christmas wish-list. You'll be thankful you did!)

How Gratitude Can Change Us

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

Gratitude is the natural response when we begin to understand grace. And while on some days it seems so impossible to find, it has a way of transforming us as we follow it back to a loving God's hand. As Ann writes,

I know there is poor and hideous suffering, and I’ve seen the hungry and the guns that go to war. I have lived pain, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives. Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy ,when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn’t rescue the suffering. The converse does.

The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest light to the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks.”

What is this dare to write down a thousand "thank-yous?" Try it - start with just ten or twenty - and you will see what Ann herself discovered about our hearts: “Something always comes to fill the empty places. And when I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me…” What then is the real beauty behind the list? “It is really a dare to name all the ways that God loves me…” To bow before His wisdom, and to see who He really is. All that He has done, and has promised. And all because a greater gift has been given...

“On the night he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread… and giving thanks, He broke it and said, “This is my body, which is given for you ..
~ I Corinthians 11:23,24

A Scandalous Grace

2011-11-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

So here’s a bit of good news for the Penn State victimizers: God never said you’ll go to hell for being a child molester - or even an administration or coaching staff that knew, and “should’ve done more.” But more on that in a minute.

When Penn State coaching legend Joe Paterno addressed reporters early after the abuse went public, his impulse was to say one thing, at least, of especially great value: “Pray for the victims.” Indeed. Pray for them, for the sting of this victimization will not fade with the camera lights, but will linger. But have you and I asked ourselves what to pray for, specifically? Do we have any sense what the victims will really need in the days and years to come?

Childhood victims of sexual abuse grow up to tell us many things. Here, in the form of a prayer, are some things that they especially struggle to believe:

1.) God, (if You are even there) - it’s so hard to trust now sometimes – you, or anyone. I trusted once and got hurt. Do you love me? Where were you? I felt (and sometimes still feel) so abandoned…

2.) God, are you good? How can it be? Is the song I learned in Sunday School, “Jesus loves me, this I know…” just a farce?

3.) Does real love even exist? Or is it a lie, and do people just want to use you up and throw you away?

4.) What is my body good for? Is it just certain parts of me that are worth anything? (I hate those parts - they invited pain). I will never let myself be touched again…by anyone.

5.) God, sometimes I also feel such guilt that my body “responded” to the stimulation. And afterwards, I felt so ashamed, I couldn’t speak. How could I possibly tell anyone what happened?

6.) So now you know what I do…I squash my pain again and again with over-eating, or alcohol abuse, or whatever else helps me to “check out” of life and stay numb to the pain. I’ve even thrown myself into elicit sex, and allowed myself to be used again - it’s all I must be good for, right? But I feel nothing, I am a hollow shell…

Our Prayer

1.) Oh Father, your heart breaks for those who have been victimized by selfish lust. Our hearts break too.

2.) We must believe You weren’t absent, or caught off-guard, but caught every tear that fell. Help them to believe this too. Even now You store each tear in your bottle, for they are precious to you (Psalm 56:8) – yet we still sometimes struggle to know why You didn’t intervene to stop it…

3.) Oh Jesus, you reveal to us the Father’s heart. And we remember that Your name is Immanuel (God with us), who came down to the mess - to walk in our shoes, to feel our pain, to endure our rejection, and then to die our death. You know abandonment (for we have often abandoned You), you know firsthand the pain of rejection. You even know the shame of being stripped naked before wicked men: “And they stripped Him…” (Matthew 27:28)

And yet because your Father didn’t intervene to stop it, great good came to the world. So too, bring good to the world through this suffering, as you did with Joseph (Gen. 50:20), and ultimately, Jesus.

4.) Merciful God, please begin to show the broken-hearted (for words are not enough) that their bodies are a gift, incredibly good, and were never meant to be treated as an object for someone’s selfish pleasure…

5.) ... and that their body responded as it was designed – for this is how You made it. Surround them too with loving people who will begin to transform the abuser’s touch through the healing touch of real love – the love of Jesus, revealed through them.

6.) Father, help them to trust your love, which is greater than our darkness; help us all to see it with our own eyes, growing in the world. We pray that our churches will be a safe place of refuge - help us not to be ignorant or silent. Keep us near the cross, where we see that love most.

7.) Help each of these children to grieve the loss, and to run to You… In the name of Jesus, who has retained His scars even while He waits until the day when He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and put all things to right…

8.) Finally, God, we trust that you will bring about justice for the oppressed – a better justice than we ourselves can muster. We dare, by your grace, to pray for the victimizers also – may their end not be this:

"But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." (Matthew 18:6)

(And thank-you that you care so much for the victimized to include this verse in Your Word). May the victimizer too find mercy at the foot of the cross - and rise, forgiven, to make real restitution to their victims.

Now, to return to the beginning…

Grace is indeed scandalous to our senses, but oh so humbling. Why must it be so? Because we have all – each one - done the unimaginable: our sin has killed the precious and perfect Son of God. Which means that anything else must pale in comparison…and that is why no child molester will ever be separated from God on the basis of his crimes alone, but for this only: if He (or she) rejects the one rescue that God Himself has provided – Jesus and His cross. Any rejection of that great sacrifice is an attempt to establish one’s own “self salvation project”(see Rom. 10:3) – be it through sex, career, money, personal reform - or even religion.

As the words of the old hymn put it:

“His blood has made the foulest clean,

His blood availed for me.” (O For A Thousand Tongues to Sing, Charles Wesley)

So it seems that even at Penn State, the field is quite level before the cross. The beauty of a scandalous grace is this: even tainted football fields and locker rooms can be transformed by the touch of Amazing grace.

So now, let us pray…

What's Love Telling Me to Do Right Now?

2011-11-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

If anyone ever answered that question fully, completely, most beautifully, in everything He said and did, it was Jesus. See the way Jesus loves, and you see love elevated to an art-form. See how he answered the question, when gazing at the cross before him ... with thoughts of you. Thank him for such amazing, completely unmerited, love.

Now let yourself ask the question again, and answer with the first person who comes to mind.

(PS Sometimes a great question becomes a life-mission. The question jumped out at me the other day while listening to a band my son enjoys (and now I do too), called Baths. Asked in a song called Maximalist)

On the Bench ... (If You Love Someone, Pt. 2)

2011-10-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Perhaps an annoying part of your story at the moment is that God is contradicting your desire to be “in the game” – whatever that is for you. Maybe you dream of a new job, but the path seems blocked, or even indiscernible. You’d love a relationship to blossom, but it isn’t happening – not even close. Or maybe you just want to be more noticed, or less noticed (is that possible?), or to be ok with not being noticed at all (JD Salinger’s wistful Zooey comes to mind: “I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody!” Great line.). But listen, we need to talk - because I need to hear this too.

In his excellent book Love Walked Among Us, Paul Miller shares the story of Robertson McQuilkin, who left his university position to take care of his wife, Muriel. Not long after, when a student asked him, “Do you miss being president?” McQuilkin reflected, and “put his wondering into a prayer”:

“Father, I like this assignment, and I have no regrets. But if a coach puts a man on the bench, he must not want him in the game. You needn’t tell me, of course, but I’d like to know – why didn’t you need me in the game?"

I didn’t sleep well that night and awoke contemplating the puzzle. Muriel was still mobile at the time, so we set out on our morning walk around the block. She wasn’t too sure on her feet, so we went slowly and held hands as we always do. This day I heard footsteps behind me and looked back to see the familiar form of a local derelict behind us. He staggered past us, then turned and looked us up and down. “Tha’s good. I likes ‘at” he said. “Tha’s real good. I likes it.” He turned and headed back down the street, mumbling to himself over and over again, “Tha’s good. I like it.”

When Muriel and I reached our little garden and sat down, his words came back to me. Then the realization hit me. God had spoken through an inebriated old derelict. “It is You who are whispering to my spirit, “I likes it, tha’s good,” I said aloud. “I may be on the bench, but if You like it and say it’s good, that’s all that counts.”

Miller reflects on this beautiful episode with some thoughts of his own:

“When McQuilken “heard” God’s voice, he could “rest” in God’s assignment for him. It deepened the meaning of his love for Muriel. Many times people give up on love because they get sick of hearing other people’s voices – their demands. Then they walk away from a relationship and experience an initial freedom in regaining their own “voice...”

What If…

You may not realize it, but the story of your life and how you love others hangs in the balance with such a move. I like how Tim Keller (of Redeemer, NYC) approaches it:

Think about it. In your relationships with people, what would it be like if you never allowed others to contradict, or correct you? You’d really be a lonely person, wouldn’t you?” (Really, how could you maintain relationships where you have to have the final word on everything?)

Keller goes on to apply the argument to God, saying, when we hear our culture (or our own hearts) say, “I could never believe in a God who would do ------- (fill in the blank with anything we don’t like)”, does it ever occur to us that we aren’t willing to apply to Him the same privilege we grant to others – to contradict us – in order to maintain relationship?

And so because God’s ways aren’t allowed to contradict human reasoning, God is simply rejected out of hand – or at least deemed irrelevant to my current struggle. (Some even bend over backward to “protect” God from unpleasant and devastating things like tornadoes and famine and sexual abuse, contradicting His right to be involved in them … but what if He wasn’t in them? How could the dreadful abuses and wonderful grace of the cross mean anything?)

Your Role of Love

So it appears that often, for the good of “the team,” (or the family, or church, or job), you will sometimes be asked to play a much different role than you think you should – maybe, even a role other than you think you are most gifted for. The team needs a defensive end, but you usually play quarter-back. Theology and teaching is your thing, but the homeless ministry needs your hands. Will you allow your idea of self to be contradicted in that case, for the good of the team?

Now consider Jesus – the Sovereign One – in whom “all things hold together” (Colossians 1:7), and “through whom all things were made” (John 1:3). Which means He’s the Astronomer who keeps beautiful Jupiter hanging in space 390 million miles away, tucked under a dazzling moon (as it was last night). He shapes and holds your blue (or green or brown) eyes and your skin - every molecule – all held together by His powerful word. Shouldn’t He have demanded His rightful place of honor in this world?

“…with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves… Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross…” ~ Phillipians 2

Further, since He is who He is, and has done all that He has done for you, should you get to contradict him about your life plans, or does He contradict you? Is He a person who, as Keller says, you “invite into your life to be your personal assistant,” or, with the whole universe hanging together in Him, does He get to command you?

Consider what it feels like to be dearly loved and prized by someone who absolutely has your best at heart – because he knows it better than you. Wouldn’t you want to stop and listen to him, to pay him mind? Further, might you even allow yourself to be contradicted, corrected, and convicted by him – because you prize him and love His selfless heart?

Here, as in all good relationships, we find real love loosening our grip on control and our own demand for rightness. But there’s a beautiful result: we ourselves begin to love well.

So learn of Him, spend time as you would with someone you deeply admire, just observing Him. And as you get to know Him, ask then if it make a difference that it’s Him who “keeps you on the bench.” Or rather, like McQuikin, if He provides you a new bench to sit on, beside one who needs your love…

Note: There’s a name for all this, and it’s called His providence. And actually, it’s very, very good news for the world - and for you. Think of life without it - a life where we are never contradicted...

Let all divine restraints be removed and man be left absolutely free, and all ethical distinctions would immediately disappear, the spirit of barbarism would prevail universally, and pandemonium would reign supreme. ~ A.W. Pink

Thank Him for His powerful and wise ways today.

The End of the World as We Know it: A Conversation with Olivia

2011-09-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

We're especially excited to be joined in the counseling office today by Olivia Dunham, Special Agent of the FRINGE division (see her tonight at 9pm on FOX!)

ST: Welcome Olivia, thanks for taking time out from the strange and wonderful world (or worlds!) of FRINGE to join us. And may I say before we begin, that my wife loves you?

OD: Awww, that’s very kind. Tell her I love her too!

ST: I definitely will. Ok, so for those who may not know, you’re actually an FBI agent in a special “Fringe” division, solving X-Files-like cases every week – and tackling a host of cultural issues while you’re at it. And on top of that, you have a doppelganger (“Bolivia”) in a parallel world – one where the World Trade Centers are still standing, and “Dogs” is playing on Broadway!

OD: (laughs) It's been fun to find out that JFK was never shot, and the "Dogs" thing really cracked me up. But in our world, it’s pretty clear that Peter (Bishop) and I aren’t Mulder and Scully. Mulder was just never wrong, you know? And Scully, bless her soul, was almost always missing the mark!

ST: Why do you suppose that was?

OD: I think because she consistently approached things from a purely scientific standpoint – even though it never turned out as she imagined - and life simply can’t be reduced to things we can measure or quantify. For example, do we really understand how the brain works? Or where laughter comes from? So for me, while I’m out trying to help save the world, the question of “Who am I, really – on the inside?” is very present.

ST: And this “alternate you” in the parallel universe … is it fair to say that she gives you the opportunity to see yourself as you might have been, or could be?

OD: Yes, it’s very weird! Bolivia is certainly less uptight than I am (laughs), but it’s not like she’s my “evil twin” - it’s not that clean cut, or black and white. She wants love, like all of us. I guess that became clear …

ST: Yes, I’m sorry. But you learned that Peter was really thinking of you all along.

OD: (Smiles) Trust issues, you know?

ST: Well, tell us more about your story (we counselors like to ask, you know!) What were the significant, formative events from your own past?

OD: Are you ready for this? As a little girl (they called me “Olive”), I endured an abusive step-father, and then was used by scientist Walter Bishop and his notorious partner William Bell in their “cortexiphan” experiments. Walter’s need, his controlling passion to open a door to the “other side,” the parallel universe was …

ST: … after his real son Peter died and he was grief-stricken, right?

OD: … Yes, he desperately believed he could find another “Peter” over there to fill the hole in his life, and somehow “cheat death” - which in a way, he did.

ST: Grief is a powerful thing, isn’t it? And death is more than just a "part of life." There's a reason we call it an "enemy"...it's not the way it was supposed to be.

OD: Yes, I think it's more powerful than we know. It sneaks up on us. And Walter believed that using my “psychokinetic ability,” coupled with my feelings of abandonment and this cortexiphan, was the key to finding objects in this parallel world ...

ST: Amazing the lengths we will go ... I'm reminded of that episode awhile back called "Marionette." That Dr. Frankenstein guy was creepy ... but he wanted to master death.

OD: Yes! So Walter eventually did succeed in going over there and stealing that Peter away from his rightful father (whom we affectionately call “Walternate”). Little did he know that this would start a war between the universes – a kind of cosmic jihad!

ST: Wow, that’s a lot! First let me say that I’m truly sorry for all that what was done to you. Abuse for a child is so very, very difficult. You were vulnerable and without protection, and because it came from someone close to you – as it so often does for children – a family member, neighbor, or even someone at church - the feeling of betrayal is multiplied, isn’t it?

OD: It is … sorry, I told myself I wouldn’t cry.

ST: Well let it go if you’d like – your tears are a gift.

OD: Thanks.

ST: I’m reminded of how the ancient king David cried: “Even my close friend, in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.” (Psalm 49:1) He knew that soul pain, but it turns out the prophecy was also meant for someone else…

OD: Hmmm. Did it involve a doomsday device?

ST: (laughs) Actually, just the opposite. Think of what Peter Bishop was willing to do, except in a much deeper sense …

OD: You mean, go to “the machine?”

ST: Yes. Remember when Peter said to you,

“Whatever our fate is, I’m right at the center…I understand what the machine does … I’ve torn holes in both the universes, and they lead here…a bridge, so that we can begin to work together to fix our worlds …”?

OD: Of course, I’ll never forget it. Unless Peter never really existed...but that makes no sense!

ST: But what if someone has torn a hole in our universe - in order to enter into our pain and our deepest shame (yours and mine), and to fix our world - one heart at a time?

OD: Well, that would be good news! I’ve tried to carry the weight of the world - or I guess I should say, two worlds - on my shoulders for a long time. It gets unbearable.

ST: It does! If it helps, the cross is Jesus' “machine,” where He sets in motion his redemption process of undeserved grace, to touch the whole universe ... like Lewis talked about the Stone Table in Narnia:

"When a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and death itself would start working backwards..."

OD: I love that story ...

ST: Me too ... and the prophecy also says that because of what happened at the cross, abuse doesn’t have to have the final word in any of our lives. You see, you can have a greater identity than “abuse victim,” because He desires to give you a new name (see Rev. 2:17) ... a new identity that's even better than the parallel universe.

OD: As Spock would say, “fascinating!”

ST: (laughs) Right, I forgot you channeled “Spock” – or William Bell, didn’t you!

OD: His soul inhabited me for a time, yes. It was a hoot. But thank-you for explaining that about Jesus…it seems much better to be inhabited by His Spirit.

ST: Absolutely... what are you thinking?

OD: About Walter Bishop. He and I seem to be linked in that way - so often operating out of guilt, you know? Like what he prayed in that chapel …

"God, I know my crimes are unforgivable. Punish me, do what you want to me. I beg you, spare our world,"

as he knelt crying before a cross. But then eventually he does come to the place where he’s willing to give up his son to save the world. Even for a guy with half his brain missing, his heart seemed to end up in the right place!

ST: (laughs) I think so. Maybe all the red licorice and strawberry milkshakes have something to do with it.

OD: Well, I'd like to explore this more ... but Broyles is calling.

ST: Ok, cool. One final question: who do you like in the World Series this year – provided the universe survives?

OD: Well, Bolivia likes the Phillies in five. But me, I’m a bit nervous about the whole thing.

ST: (laughs) Thank-you so much Olivia for this time. Like the Observers (are they angels with hats, or what?), we look forward to seeing this all unfold!

OD: No clue what they are. And I’m happy to say the pleasure was all mine!

Final Note: Facing tragic events in our past can seem a pointless process ... after all, isn't it behind us? But often, we don't take stock of the ways we learned to cope as a result, and the harm we can perpetuate even now (much of which can be worse than the initial abuse).

The good news is that in Christ, we have new resources to actually face the harm done to us – to call evil what it is – and to refuse to cover it over any longer with busyness or distractions in order to feel better. Then when we are ready to grieve it, and give voice to our pain, we’re ready to embrace our new name...but it’s a process. We’ll still be marked by it, but the end goal is even greater than "recovery." Jesus wants to heal us so we can learn to "comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received (2 Cor. 1:4)." And we can make use of the resources of his family to experience this love, because healing is meant to be a “community project.” You don’t have to go it alone.

If You Love Someone...

2011-09-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

One of the wonderful, unexpected side-effects to love is that you're forced, albeit often kicking and screaming, to confront your own selfishness. Like the Polaroid photo that's shaken while developing (sounds like a song?), expect to have your heart rocked before your love (or lack of it) comes into focus.

It's the relational secret we'd like most to avoid; eHarmony probably won't detect it. Yet its roots are as old as the garden, and just as snakey. What is it? We love to get our own way.

Take marriage, for example - a common counseling scenario. The once-blissful couple has, to use an apt metaphor, let their precious garden fill with weeds, and at some point one or both makes the decision not to get up off the couch (or move from the computer, or say "no" to the million other available distractions and pursuits) and aggressively pull them up. Soon after, because weeds grow like...well, weeds, they're jolted into action by an icy wind; a chilly interaction, a hard stare, or a bitter remark makes one look out the window and notice that the garden is nearly gone.

Ugh ... how quickly is everything that makes love so good and nourishing easily swallowed up by a selfish green weed-monster called "a divided heart." Before you know it you'll be using the "two ships passing in the night" cliché as well.

The Cost

So what to do? How do you love when it gets really hard to engage another and you want to say "enough!" The only way I know that you can possibly do this is to grasp the profound meaning of what love really is; that in essence, as Tim Keller notes in King's Cross, "all life-changing love [the kind that really transforms you] is substitutionary sacrifice."

Do you struggle with the cross of Christ? Has it been your idea - maybe somewhere in the back of your mind - that the whole story-line involving the cross on which Jesus died is just too much like a blood sacrifice to appease an irritable, blood-thirsty, and capricious god - the kind you might have heard of in primitive religions or read about in the works of Homer? If so, take a look at the cross from a new angle - the angle of relationship as we have been thinking about. Keller notes,

"Think about it. If you love a person whose life is all put together and has no major needs, it costs you nothing. It's delightful. There are probably four or five people like that where you live. You ought to find them and become their friend. But if you ever try to love someone who has needs, someone who is in trouble or who is persecuted or emotionally wounded, it's going to cost you. You can't love them without taking a hit yourself. A transfer of some kind is required, so that somehow their troubles, their problems, transfer to you.

There are a lot of wounded people out there. They are emotionally sinking, they're hurting, and they desperately need to be loved ... The only way they're going to start filling up emotionally is if somebody loves them, and the only way to love them is to let yourself be emotionally drained. Some of your fullness is going to have to go into them, and you have to empty out to some degree. If you hold onto your emotional comfort and simply avoid those people, they will sink. The only way to love them is through substitutionary sacrifice."

Do you see how there is always a cost to the lover? It will inevitably cost you to love someone well, to pour into a spouse, child, hurting friend, or the needy outcast on the street. (Jesus was saying exactly this when he crossed all kinds of ethnic and social boundaries with his "Good Samaritan" parable, see Luke 10:25-37).

This may sound overwhelming, even impossible, and it is - on your own. But when you begin to see this in light of your own selfish heart, you're just starting to tap into the profound power of the cross - that it cost God Himself - and then it becomes especially good news for you:

"God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom. 5:8)

You see for those of us addicted to our own way, this comes as especially good news. For if God loved the way we so often do - when people seem deserving enough - we'd all be lost. But He doesn't, thankfully, and so the cross stands forever as the greatest, one-sided gift ever given. Only as you internalize this truth and faith springs up again, are you energized to love, and keep loving when it hurts.

When the Lily Dies

I love how Keller fleshes this out further, using the character of Lily Potter:

"...When the Voldemort-possessed villain tries to lay hands on Harry, he experiences agonizing pain, and so he is thwarted. Harry later goes to Dumbledore, his mentor, and asks, "Why couldn't he touch me?" Dumbledore replies that "Your mother died to save you ... love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign ... [but] to have been loved so deeply ... will give us some protection forever."

Are you willing to see God as a "mother" like this? (See Isa. 66:13, Matt. 23:37) The beauty of submitting yourself to be loved like this by Jesus, to receive life and protection from his death, is that you will begin to change - for love always changes things. Even more wonderful is the fact that it comes to the undeserved, as the Romans verse above shows us. So as selfishness tries to rear its ugly head today, let the words of an old hymn also fill your mind...

When I survey the wondrous cross,

On which the Prince of glory died...

my richest gain, I count but loss,

and pour contempt on all my pride.

As you grasp this, again and again, your love will become more like Jesus, your Rescuer; sacrificial, humble, and less about self (your main problem). You will begin to see the world with new eyes. And one day, when you look out your window, you will even see beautiful fruit growing on the vine.

King's Cross

2011-08-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

King's Cross Station in London, more famously known these days as "Platform 9-3/4" for the Hogwarts Express in Harry Potter,* now has a better king for a namesake. Thanks to Tim Keller's new book King's Cross...the Story of the World in the Life of Jesus, the lazy and often rebellious George IV - that most unpopular English monarch during the American Revolution (and for whom the station was later named) - can pass the mantle of honor to a far more glorious King.

The symbolism behind the title is appropriate. For as Potter pictures so well, train stations represent departures to new vistas and experiences, never-before-seen countries, and quite possibly, a whole new perspective on life. Can books do the same? Yes, especially those that so helpfully expound on the life of Jesus and how He loved. Why? Because it's in gazing at Jesus that we are transformed (see 2 Cor. 3, esp. v.18).

Great for believers and inquiring skeptics alike, King's Cross is essentially a collection of Keller's musings, study, and preaching through the Gospel of Mark at Redeemer Church, NYC. It's also my favorite book of late because it's so good on how Jesus is always going deeper, past the rules and trappings of the "outward appearance" (where we and our culture so often live), to the heart - a vital aspect of counseling. Mark is also the shortest of the Gospels on the life of Jesus, which is especially attractive for a quick-read. Having Keller (who has been called by some "the C.S. Lewis of the twenty-first century") as a guide to understanding what Jesus is up to in some key passages is a great asset.

To whet your appetite, here's a sample "story" about our hearts and Jesus that Keller relates in chapter 3, The Healing. It involves the experience of Cynthia Heimel, a columnist who wrote an article for the Village Voice from which Keller quotes. (Keller is commenting on the healing of the paralyzed man in Mark 2:1-5, and the oft-debated and perplexing question of why Jesus addressed his heart (and greatest need) first:

"Over the years she (Cynthia) had known a number of people who were struggling actors and actresses, working in restaurants and punching tickets at theaters to pay their bills, and then they became famous. When they were struggling like all of us, they said, "If only I could make it in the business, if only I had this or that, I'd be happy." They were like so many other people: stressed, driven, easily upset. But when they actually got the fame they'd been longing for, Heimel said, they became insufferable: unstable, angry, and manic. Not just arrogant, as you might expect-worse than that. They were now unhappier than they used to be. She said,

I pity [celebrities]. No, I do. [Celebrities] were once perfectly pleasant human beings...but now...their wrath is awful....More than any of us, they wanted fame....They worked, they pushed....the morning after....each of them became famous, they wanted to take an overdose....because that giant thing they were striving for, that fame thing that was going to make everything okay, that was going to make their lives bearable, that was going to provide them with personal fulfillment and....happiness, had happened. And nothing changed. They were still them. The disillusionment turned them howling and insufferable.

(Keller continues)..."Then Heimel added a statement that took my breath away: "I think when God wants to play a really rotten practical joke on you, He grants you your deepest wish." You know what Jesus is saying to the paralyzed man? I'm not going to play that rotten joke on you. I'm not going to just heal your body, and let you think you've gotten your deepest wish."

If you know the story, Jesus will go on to heal the man (in this case) - but only after telling him "Your sins are forgiven." Would you think this harsh if you were there? Wouldn't you want Jesus to do the obvious, and immediately heal the man who was lowered through a roof (!) to get to Jesus? Jesus is intent on going deeper. It's not that the body doesn't matter - it does, tremendously. The resurrection makes this clear. But Jesus shows the man (and the millions who would read his story through the centuries) that we really don't go deep enough in analyzing our longings, and identifying our greatest need. For to be granted our greatest desire - without Jesus as Savior and King, (whether it be better health, more money, or as with Heimel's celebrity friends, fame) - is to insure that we won't enjoy lasting fulfillment. As Keller says, Jesus loves us too much to play that bad joke.

So let me encourage you to do something really good for your heart. Take one chapter of King's Cross each night, before bed. It may be that you'll find yourself on a train to a whole new world.

*see my August 1, 2011 article A Conversation with Harry

Soul Painter

2011-08-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

I have this great idea for a screenplay that I'll write some day, percolating in the back of my mind. It goes like this:

(Cue “Chariots of Fire”- inspired score)

EARLY MORNING, 1906 INDIA: A handsome young British soldier sits at a desk. On the stained wooden surface before him, colored inks bottles, pens, and paint brushes lay scattered about. He raises his sparkling eyes, and through tears of joy surveys an explosion of color and shapes dancing outside his window: brilliantly colored blooms of yellow Indian poppies, purple sweet peas, magnificent red poinsettias, and large jacaranda trees – the richly ornamented landscape of Bihar. He ponders how to present a gift worthy of his beautiful bride-to-be, Clara.

In the fertile mind of the groom, the true-life James S. Freemantle, an idea begins to form. He will carefully letter and paint his way through every word and phrase of all 150 Psalms – and he's not even a religious man. He just can’t find better poetry to present his love.

(Cue music change) - This isn’t exactly a 100-yard dash between Eric Liddell and Harold Abrahams. Much more like a marathon that will take a lifetime. Years of excursions, in and out of the army, produce more drawings: the Golden Temple of Amritsar, the sea villages and harbors of Turkey; evenings observing spectacular sunsets and bright moon risings. If his drawings are any indication, Freemantle especially enjoys Psalm 19:

“The heavens proclaim the glory of God; the skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known…God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding…” (19:1,5)

Perhaps the story of James Freemantle may never grace the silver screen. But the results of his years of passionate work now adorn the pages of a beautiful anthology of The Psalms of David, dedicated to “my beloved Clara.” A published copy now sits upon my nightstand - a gift from our dear friends, Joe and Janelle when we moved away five years ago. And each morning, between the teeth brushing and the coffee pot, I try to take in a new page.

Miserable Psalms?

I confess, Clara wasn't the only beneficiary. I hadn't always loved the Psalms. As Dan Allender likes to say, our stereotypes and jokes have a way of revealing some "sprinkled contempt.":

“It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing..." (God, according to Monthy Python)

Hopelessness is depressing - we've all been there. But Freemantle’s story invites us to see more - much more. And when we look, we find the Psalms to be rich, even over-flowing, in all expressions of the heart - a virtual “emotional outlet” for many a thirsty and joyful soul. From the depressed and lonely traveler who picks up a Gideon’s bible in a hotel room (and finds a kindred spirit in the lamenting psalmist), to the joyful choirs of the redeemed, who have tasted the precious sweet wine of grace (and are thankful to sing of it), the Psalms have it all.

So think of it this way: if God asked you to paint an expression of your heart right now, with words, what would it look like? Would you default to the standard “I’m fine, we’re all good” that you give your neighbor or co-worker? Or would you see that God actually invites your picture to be real – even messy?

Take your morning’s sin of quarreling with a family member, just before you ran out the door for "more important things." David, the fellow-murderer of Psalm 51, has some words for you: “Have mercy on me O God, according to your unfailing love…”

Or maybe you feel like you’re the only one in the world with an anxious heart as you ponder the future this afternoon? The Psalmist of 131 can relate, as he reflects on the tender “mothering” of our Father God who quiets us in his arms: “I don’t concern myself with matters too great…I have stilled and quieted myself as a small child on his mother’s lap.”

Or a surprise illness has you turning to the sweet comfort-pictures of Psalm 23 (a psalm for the living in the “shadow of death,” where “goodness and mercy” still pursue us because of a pursuing God). No wonder Calvin calls the Psalter “an anatomy of all parts of the soul.”

A More Glorious One

But as impressive as each Psalm is as a work of art in itself, and as a voice for our full and honest range of emotional expression and confession, the Psalms are aiming at more. And they ultimately do so by focusing our hope, as CS Lewis would say, “further up,” to a mysterious "Suffering Servant" who can relate to our deepest fear:

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1)

The unfathomable part? This cry of utter dereliction from the cross is His, so that it does not have to be cried by you. And see how that cry is answered with a great word of hope from the Father:

"He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; He has not hidden his face from Him but has listened to His cry for help." (22:24)

Two Psalms later we read again of Him who has climbed the unclimbable mountain for us:

"Open up, ancient gates! Open up, ancient doors, and let the King of glory enter. Who is the King of glory? The Lord, strong and mighty; the Lord, invincible in battle." (24: 9)

There is Gospel (good news), entwined like one of Freemantle's flowering vines, all through the Psalms, richly set in poetry and song. The laments are plentiful: I can’t get to God, for I am unworthy, sick, harassed, and helpless. But the hope is overflowing (like the cup of Psalm 23): Christ is my Conquering Warrior, Redeemer, Wonderful Counselor, and Friend, who was forsaken for me. In doing so, He defeated my greatest enemies, sin and death, at the cross. But His Father did not abandon Him to the grave; He was raised, and then He actually leads me in his train of spoils all the way and through the gates to God Himself.

In this way, the Psalms reveal a God who invites us to pour out our hearts - often best expressed in poetry - for though we are bought, we are still in a battle. But wonderfully, they don't only give us words - they point us to a greater hope outside of ourselves. This hope is powerful, for it connects to Somone greater than me, transforming our culture's tendency toward “self-esteem and me above all things.” As Lewis writes in Mere Christianity:

"Look for yourself and you will find in the long run only find hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ [everywhere, and in the Psalms] and you'll find Him, and with everything else thrown in."

Christ is the true Bridegroom, the Lover of our souls, the Sun around which we were meant to orbit.

James Freemantle finished Psalm 150 in 1934 - the year he died. After a lifetime of beautiful pictures reflecting a glorious God, he penned these final words:

"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord." (150:6)

Here at the end of the Psalms, we see the only fitting response to an Amazing God. Hmmm.... maybe I should write that screenplay after all.

A Conversation with Harry

2011-08-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

As "Deathly Hallows, Part 2" hits the theaters and the Harry Potter film series draws to a close, we're privileged to have Harry drop by the counseling office for an informal chat...

ST: Harry, it's been a real pleasure. You've heard this before I'm sure, but I feel like my children have grown up with you!

HP: Sweet - yes, I think I may know your children! Weren't they desperate to enroll in Hogwarts?

ST: Absolutely! I still have vivid memories of them, curled up beside their mom while reading your adventures aloud; chomping at the bit for the next movie - not to mention wearing your robes and glasses at Halloween ... that's good times for a kid.

HP: Ahh - to be a Halloween character for millions of kids. One never imagines such a thing! Unless you're Voldemort, I suppose (laughs).

ST: The "one who must not be named?" Glad you mentioned him! He and this whole wizardry thing - they've sort of been like the "big elephant in the room" for some Christians, haven't they? They just can't think of anything else.

HP: Isn't that a bloody shame? They certainly don't understand the power of fairy tales the way C.S. Lewis did - or J.K. Rowling. Lewis really believed that fairy tales could reveal the magical wonder of the natural world. Ordinary woods can become enchanted ... because they are. So fairy tales actually serve to remind us, as G.K. Chesterton said, that "our own world is just as much a fantastic creation as any that the most imaginative fantasy writer can devise."

ST: Amazing. And the last time I checked, the Bible itself contains stories of giants, and dragons, and vivid depictions of great battles against evil...(see Rev. 12)

HP: Spot on. Yes, the richness of the Potter stories is that they're essentially epic tales of good fighting against evil - all in a fantastical imaginary school-setting where stair-cases move, pictures on the walls are alive, and magic happens at the wave of a wand. What child wouldn't want to do school that way?!

ST: Right, and what kid hasn't pretended they could do things like ride on the back of a dragon, play with giants, and most especially, fly? Then throw in a wise, grey-bearded headmaster by the name of Dumbledore, a lovable giant-protector in Hagrid, and the sweetness of 2 close friends, Ron and Hermione (who along with you, face real struggles as they grow), and it's a great combination.

HP: Ahh, all my dear friends. Nothing like a friend to love us when we're down, huh?

ST: Indeed...you've been blessed. So tell us what you've come to understand about yourself. You did have a bit of an identity crisis growing up, didn't you?

HP: Yes, thanks to J.K. Rowling, I'm your classic "wounded hero" who is born right in the middle of a struggle against evil. Lord Voldemort, like Lucifer, is a defector from the ranks and "a murderer from the beginning" - killing my parents when I was a baby - and then coming after me.

ST: Sort of like how the Evil One tried to snuff out the promised Messiah through king Herod. Nasty stuff.

HP: Exactly - but then I also grow up to save mankind in the end! If you stop and look at all I've endured, I'm really a classic literary Christ-figure -

ST: ...he said modestly...

HP: (laughs) of course....growing up in humble circumstances, making friends - but also dealing with the rejection of community - and later, willing to die to save the world. Come to think of it, I even retain my "scars" as proof (laughs).

ST: Excellent! Wow, you've really tuned in to this character. But are we stretching it to say that J.K. Rowling, your creator, was influenced by these Christian themes?

HP: Well, I'm not saying that J.K. set out to write a specifically "Christian" allegory, any more than Tolkien did when he wrote The Lord of the Rings - but as Tolkien said, the themes just made their way into his writing - themes of sacrifice, the perennial struggle to resist power, and enduring love.

ST: And you think that may be the same with J.K.?

HP: It's interesting, but in the Potter series I think there's even one place where she "tips her hand," so to speak. It comes in the "Deathly Hallows," Chapter 16: Godric's Hollow, when she has me visit my parent's graves. On their tombstone I read the quote,

The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

And on another tombstone (belonging to Dumbledore's mother, and his sister) Hermione sees this:

Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

ST: Fascinating, I love those verses. So Scripture even exists in Harry Potter's world.

HP: It seems so.

ST: So tell me, what else can we learn about life from these stories?

HP: Well, one thing I would say is the sheer power of imagination. (Do Christians have this in their experience anymore?) If you'll permit me a long quote, I love what Thomas Williams writes:

"Our problem is that – in Harry Potter terms – we have become “muggles” – mundane creatures unappreciative of and denying the power of anything we cannot see, hear, feel, taste, or touch…we reject the magical, romantic view of reality as head-in-the-clouds fantasy. We smile indulgently at teen crushes that send young people swooning and dreaming of that one face that entrances all the senses. We warn about-to-be-marrieds not to expect the euphoria of palpitating romance to last. Romance is an illusion caused by stars in the eyes. We tell couples to expect the romance to fade and warn them to steel themselves for the long haul, every-day chore of making a marriage work. Work is the key, not romance. Not joy…

Not so. In the play as God originally wrote it, the euphoria and tingling romance were intended to last. Wonder and delight are essential ingredients of reality, deeply embedded beneath the canker and rust that has marred the world since creation. Beneath the crust of decay, immense glory resides latent in every created thing. That beauty is still visible to any eyes that can be opened to see it." (Williams, The Heart of the Chronicles of Narnia)

ST: That's awesome. You memorized the whole thing...

HP: I'm a wizard...

ST: Of course. Your quote also reminds me of Chesterton saying that joy is the "gigantic secret" of the Christian. When you come to understand that even the "trees of the field" are called on to clap their hands at Christ's victory, you begin to see real enchantment. It's like the beginnings of a universal explosion of joy:

"Sing for joy, O heavens, for the LORD has done this; shout aloud, O earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the LORD has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel." Isaiah 44:23

...Doesn't that fire the imagination? And one day, when the thorn tree has been replaced by the pine (Isaiah 55:13), the trees will rise to a standing ovation, when the King returns.

HP: No more Whomping Willow? That sounds good! And I was just reading your author - what's his name - Eugene Peterson, I think, talking about the cultivation of wonder. He says we had it when we were kids, but we lose it when we attempt to gain mastery over our lives, our workplaces, etc. Without wonder, he says, we turn life into a self-help project. (See Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places)

ST: Man, you are deep.

HP: (Smiles) You flatter me. Oh, and I must also mention one more thing about the climax of our story. Keep an eye on Neville Longbottom - he's really a key to the whole thing. Like Frodo Baggins in that other story, he exemplifies that true heroes are not really the strong and powerful who seem to triumph in their pride...

ST: You mean it's something like "God uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong?" (I Cor.1:27)

HP: Yep, something like that...

ST: Beautiful. Well, Harry, it's been so much fun. Thanks for coming in for counseling...and for counseling us!

HP: Anything for my "recovering muggle" friends (smiles). Keep reading, and enjoy!

What Kind of Change?

2011-07-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

It seems that transformation and "change" is on everyone's mind these days. Just turn on the television for 30 seconds and it hits you: Extreme Makeovers of homes, with fancy new appliances (especially from Sears, you know, the ones that cost as much as your first car); of clothing, on TLC's What Not to Wear ("You will ditch that 90's wardrobe already, like it or not"); even your (OMG!) wrinkled face - (Nip a little here, Tuck a little there, and whatever you do, never, ever tell your age). And we haven't even mentioned the pundits on cable news...

Or how about those among us still pursuing the "hippie myths of the perfection of nature," as Joel Stein comically described in Time magazine some time ago, with neighborhoods "full of places you can go to detoxify with colonics, get healed with crystals and magnets and buy non-genetically engineered food"? (Feeling blue? Nothing that a good enema and some wheat grass can't remedy! Somebody get me a cheeseburger, please!)

But what if we paused long enough to ask, "Are a new wardrobe, brighter smile, and a cleaner colon - as nice as they may be - really enough? Will a new washer and dryer really bring me lasting fulfillment?" (Maybe this is a better question for someone who actually enjoys laundry? Sorry, the answer is still the same). Or might we actually be longing for an answer that goes much deeper - something closer to the heart - because we keenly feel the truth that Dylan also felt when he sang:

Broken bottles, broken plates,
Broken switches, broken gates,
Broken dishes, broken parts,
Streets are filled with broken hearts...
Broken bodies, broken bones,
Broken voices on broken phones.
Take a deep breath, feels like you're chokin',
Everything is broken.

Can you imagine a sadder scene? With all this brokenness, denial certainly seems a viable option. But then you still have to answer, "if things ain't that broke, why all the desperate fixin' goin' on?" (You'll also have to deal with the loads of empirical evidence from around the globe, presented nightly on the evening news – unless you just decide to switch it off.)

Moral Clean-up?
I find it striking how Jesus, a widely accepted "go-to guy" when it comes to real make-overs, used a vivid dish-washing metaphor to locate the source of real change - and notice, it wasn't a call to go get a Kenmore:

“What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law… For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too. Matthew 23:25-26 (NLT)

Strong words, Jesus! Of course the real irony here is, he’s talking to the most outwardly religious, put-together people of the day - the Pharisees - and not the broken prostitutes or openly immoral. (For them, it’s a surprising, transforming message of grace). And notice how he’s directing them to look inside, to their hearts.

It's a sad fact - for all the outward clean-up the moral man does, he cannot escape the fact that he is also selfish and evil (full of greed and self-indulgence). And Jesus knows that just giving an evil person a cleaned-up exterior, or even a set of good rules, is only a set-up for disaster, for he'll inevitably look down on others and pride himself on how good he thinks he really is – just as the Pharisees did, and as we ourselves often do. (American churches and "Christian" Self-help experts take note: the more you lay moral orders or "good principles" on people, without talking about your brokenness and God's grace; the more you emphasize good behavior or conservative politics or even "your best life now!" - rather than the centrality of Christ's work for us - the less you will see real change).

Imagine This...
But now imagine this: say you went with the idea that what you really needed was not another new therapeutic technique (as temporarily helpful as some may be), or a new program to improve yourself by becoming a "better you" (and the versions of this are legion) but actually – as Jesus knew - to come in contact with a real person; someone who would love you so well you would want to change, just because He was so beautiful to be with? And just for the sake of argument, say that person actually specialized in dealing with broken cases (just like yours), because he also had the only remedy for dealing with our deepest problems (all the evil in men’s hearts - both that committed by us and done to us) - as well as the variety of insecurities and fears that swirl around it? Would he not be the kind of person you’d long to be with, to actually get to know?

Further, as you saw yourself actually changing - from the inside out - might you also want nothing more than to learn to love like Him, expressing gratitude and telling everyone you meet what a strong Rescuer, and Wonderful Counselor he is?

So stop and ask yourself, "What do I really believe this God is like? How much do I really believe He's interested in loving...not just someone else...but me?" If the cross doesn't come to mind, you haven't yet grasped the wonder.

Perhaps another small - but also wondrous - illustration from God Himself, given to stir and enlarge our thoughts about Him, will suffice:

God tells his children that His thoughts of love and care towards them actually outnumbers the grains of sand on the shore (see Psalm 139: 13-18). Stop and consider it. (That's real thoughtfulness). Then next time you're on the beach, kneel down and scoop a handful of sand in your hand and start counting. If you make it to a thousand, you're probably only a small fraction of the way there. Now as you slowly pour the sand into your other hand, say this aloud (and don't worry about who's listening):

"God has had more thoughts about me than the total of all the grains in my hand, or even on this beach, or on all the beaches in the world!” Now if you can imagine such a thing, allow yourself to marvel. But then you will probably also say, "But how could he really, as broken and selfish and messed up as I am?"

True Change
Now see that person, in much the same way that Aslan in the Dawn Treader speaks to the boy Eustace (who followed his selfish heart and became a dragon in Narnia), saying to you: "You cannot tear away the dragon layers yourself. All the ugly pride and hardness that ruins your relationships will not come away with with makeovers, or good laws, not with more money or appliances or politics or self-help - but you must let me undress you. And if you will, if you ask me to change you, you will begin to see what you’ve only imagined you could become – but what I can already see." And as He begins to do it - throughout the days and weeks and years of your life - you will want to say:

Now to him who is able to do far more than all that we ask or think (imagine), according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3)

Singleness, and the Waiting

2011-07-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

Intimacy, like joy, is a by-product of knowing, and being known by One who sees our hearts and still pursues us...Though not the goal itself, we can short-circuit our opportunities to enjoy intimacy with those around us (the neighbor next door, the business client) by being selfish, self-destructive, and undesirable to be with.

In the desire to enjoy another, waiting is a vital part of the story. As Paul Tripp has said, "waiting isn't just about what you are hoping for at the end of the wait, but also about what you'll become as you wait." Sometimes poetry is the best way to say it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs&feature=grec_index

Optimistic Realism

2011-07-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

Took a drive up to see the Palomar telescope recently, a 200 inch spyglass for gazing at the stars. (Actually, as I learned, the viewing lens itself isn't 200 inches, but rather the polished glass mirror that catches the star light and reflects it for taking camera shots. Very cool.) At any rate, it was a date with my wife, and we both endured the winding and somewhat nauseating road up to the top of beautiful Palomar mountain. (They used to call this jaunt "the highway to the stars" - at least until those scavengers of nostalgia stole the signs and put them on e-bay.)

I tell you this because besides the fact that the making of the reflector glass was a marvel itself (for the 1930's especially), and it was cast in the Corning, NY glass works (near my boyhood home in upper PA., and a frequent destination for fun grade-school trips), I was struck by inventor George Ellery Hale's passion for imagining and building bigger and better telescopes - but especially his motto for what to do with our lives:

Make no small plans, dreams no small dreams.

I've since learned that part of this quote might have been borrowed by Hale, because Daniel Hudson Burnham, author of the Chicago City Plans also said:

Make no small plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.

Part of counseling is the privilege of opening up a counselee's imagination to that "deeper magic, from before the dawn of time," as Lewis put it in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The Gospel story is that deeper magic, and because its also true, it gives great hope for right now, as well as tremendous optimism about the future.

The realism part enters in as a happy result of that confidence. And it works like this: Because of the work of Christ (see Aslan on the stone table) you are incredibly secure: "It is finished" is his cry. Accomplished. Done. Every day you are able to say, "If I am his, nothing can separate me from his love - not even my days of doubt, my rebellious heart, or my lack of love. His grace is stronger than all these put together."

This means you are now so secure, as to be able to look realistically and honestly at the painful parts of your story. You don't have to sugar-coat evil, or pretend that nothing in the past matters because you now have God. On the contrary. Your whole story counts.

Frozen in Fear
I know what you're thinking. Do you fear if you do this (take real stock of your past) you will disappear? Melt in a pool of tears and fall apart? Understand that mixed in with those real fears are always lies that Evil would have you believe. The truth is, "No, you cannot be separated from the love of Christ (see Rom. 8:35) - not by life, or death, or danger, or your past, or the real demons that raise their vicious accusations and attacks (read The Screwtape Letters by Lewis to see how subtle those attacks can be).

Such security means you are now so covered with Christ, that you're actually able to be changed - underneath that covering - in your heart. The heart of stone has become a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26), able now to be molded and reshaped.

What's your motto for life? Does it involve opening the observatory doors of your heart to let the "greater-than-starlight" grace of God shine and exposing it to His loving gaze, so that you can change? Understand, that kind of love and grace is actually more than "unconditional." It's a love springing from the heart of an incredibly good God that is so concerned for our freedom from Evil's grasp that it says, "Yes, I will receive you the way you are - warts and all - but no, I will not leave you as you are! I care about your healing and freedom too much to do that. And I care about my own glory - which is actually your best shot at joy."

Do you believe this? God has made His "no small plans" in the great rescue mission of His Son - the "bright Morning star" (Rev. 22:16). And because He has, a universe of new wonders awaits....real magic to stir men's blood.

Because of Him, you are "...children of God, without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe." Philippians 2:15

Modern-Day Lepers

2011-07-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

My lovely wife and I are dating more of late (a sweet thing) - in part, to celebrate our 20th anniversary (we'll essentially celebrate all year), and also because the kids are away on extended holiday, so it frees up a bit more. (Moral of that story: parents, send your kids away once in a while. You'll re-connect, and you can still love them from afar. It usually does them good to get out of the nest too). Anyway, on one of our recent dates we decided to take in the new X-Men: First Class movie. Cool fun!

These X-Men guys, if you don't know the previous films or the comics, are "mutants," human aberrations of some evolutionary process-gone-wrong (or right, depending on your point of view). Some mutants grow colorful insect wings and spit gooey fireballs (Angel), others can heal super-fast and have gravity-defying hair-do 's (Wolverine, who makes a cameo in this one), and still others can read your mind (Charles Xavier) whether or not you want them to - and then counsel you on what you were about to do (Ahh, just the mutation I need!)

Evolutionary mutations do make fascinating fodder for fantasy movies and Comic-con gatherings, but I happen to like the X-Men films because, not only are they creative, well-made, and fun - but I also relate to one of the underlying premises: Don't we often feel like a modern-day leper (or mutant) in our own skin?

The average guy on the street in X-Men either has it (this mutant gene) or he doesn't - and the film certainly plays with the tension of who's really the "normal" and "acceptable" in society (there's a whole Nazi angle dangling in the background too). But of course if the guy's got it, he's not talking - it's very much a covert affair. The reason for the silence hits all too close to home.

Watching these characters wrestle, I couldn't help but think: "What is it inside us, this "mutant gene" that shuts us up and sends us into hiding?" I suspect that one especially strong strain, with many facets, might just be our "mutant feeling" in a nutshell: shame.

Not Just X-Men Hide

Shame has a unique power to shut us up, taking away our voice and our honesty. We've all sensed it. It can leave us feeling cast-aside by others -which like the mutants, might actually be true, sadly- or even draw us to take up residence in our own self-imposed "leper colony;" one that lives within. (If we were honest, we might rather have actual leprosy than shame - the former being a "disease" that's now fairly easily cured, while the latter is much more stubborn to go.)

So imagine we can take out the microscope for a minute, and pause long enough to look at this mutant gene called "shame." After all, the original design was "naked without shame" (Gen. 2:25). The sample on the glass? The human heart.

Now here's one strain, a case of what I call "every-day shame": You've done something wrong (why is this so hard to believe?), or stupid, and you don't want to confess your weakness or sin to anyone - especially your spouse or family. Like the mutant, you really despise the idea of looking bad or wrong (feeling shame), or appearing weak, and the possibility of not being thought well of or accepted just kills you.

So, how do you deal? Well, like the mutants, you just don't talk about it - you shut up - but then end up not so honest when your spouse, or parent asks, "How was your day?"

In this case, the motivating desire (call it 'My Favorite Self-Salvation Attempt') comes into focus: "If I just pretend to look good, I will secure my acceptance with others - which if I could actually be honest, is often way more important to me than God, and what he thinks." Yep, pride is definitely involved here in this mutated strain.

Different Strains of Shame

Or, there are other versions of shame one might detect in certain individuals, such as accident victims and war vets. This "survivor guilt shame" courses through their veins, in some cases, even though they've done nothing wrong relative to the trauma - yet they still feel a certain shame about being alive. "Why them, and not me?" they ask...but mostly just to themselves. Just shut up and try to live with it, they think. (The question of a good God invariably is at root, and nags at the edges of their heart.)

Or - and this one deserves a whole book - shame may be cast on you by another, such as in sexual abuse, leaving you with a deep sense of feeling defiled, or dirty. "Unclean," the ancient cry of the leper, becomes your silent cry. This one may be the hardest of all to talk about - rarely will you hear this dealt with in family contexts, or churches - and so the sufferer (leper) lives in silent shame. (And what's even worse - if one can imagine it - is when the sufferer finally has the courage to talk about it, and then is labeled by others as the problem - in order to silence them again! This is all too common, if not enraging for the victim. Note: For an excellent new resource on this subject, see Rid of My Disgrace, by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb)

A Wounded Hero Comes

What's cool in the X-Men story is that an unlikely hero/rescuer emerges to lead the outcasts to a place of refuge - his own lavish home. In the process, "Xavier" suffers greatly at that hands of the enemy. Still - and this is the beautiful part - he gladly welcomes the weird and strange to join him, and he teaches and takes care of them. He doesn't just talk the talk, He "embodies it," identifying with them. And not only this, his heart is big enough to seek other outcasts too, and bring them home. What's more beautiful to a "leper" than that? Sound vaguely familiar?

Hopefully. But here's something even better. In Jesus, you have a TRUE Hero and Rescuer who see your "mutant" condition of shame. (Look at his time on earth - Jesus longed to be with the misfits, the outcasts, the broken - good news for us!) And much like Xavier, once he finds you, he makes his home with you and begins to target and go to work on the very things that Evil uses to attack you (the whispered distortions about God and His goodness, as well as your own guilt and shame. See I John 3:8).

This message about Christ is what brings faith (Rom. 10:17), and faith renewed is what we need. Why is it so vital to hear, again and again, these Gospel promises? Because we can still think like mutants, often, even though we've been bought with the precious blood of the King. We've been adopted into His family, but we're still prone to shut-up in our shame, or pride. We still need daily grace to shun our pernicious self-reliance and be on guard to open our hearts to be encouraged and loved by others, so that we won't be "hardened by sin's deceitfulness" (Hebrews 3:13). We still need to remind each other of the promises and character of our good God every day.

Our Daily Dose
The moment by moment issue is still this: we are to come with empty pockets and hands. "Come empty? Seems so simple, right?" But in fact, it's often the hardest thing to do! (Despite the fact that we may sing "I Surrender All!") Leave your reputation as a "good parent," and come. Leave your "status and position" at work or church or wherever, and come. Leave your right answers, and your "right appearance," and come. Leave it all...

Come to the fountain and receive, as Francis Schaeffer put it, "A present application of the blood of Christ." Hear again "Be clean!" and believe. Believe that Christ is all you need, see Him only, and when faith is enlarged again, (even if only a mustard seed size), understand that now anything is possible. Christ is for you!

The old preacher JC Ryle puts it well (a quote sent to me this week by my wife):

"He can wash us thoroughly from all the defilement of sin in His own blood... Let this sink down deeply into our hearts. There is medicine to heal our sickness. If we are lost it is not because we cannot be saved. However corrupt our hearts, and however wicked our past lives, there is hope for us in the Gospel. There is no case of spiritual leprosy too hard for Christ."

That's how the mutant and leper becomes a son or daughter. And that's also how we, as adopted sons and daughters, learn to actually live out of our "Son-ship," or union with Christ, and embrace daily our new identity. And finally, it's how our shut-up mouths learn to sing and praise once again the One who called us home.

Little Did We Know

2011-07-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

Harold Crick is in perfect control. A senior IRS agent, (who also happens to be the main character in one of the best films released in recent years, Stranger than Fiction), Harold has “the efficient life” down, figured like a flawless tax return: counting each brush-stroke of his teeth (35 up and down, 35 side to side), the exact number of paces to the bus-stop (57); even the precise twists and turns in his Windsor-knotted tie. By all appearances, Harold is the paragon of expediency, a calculator on two legs. Unfortunately, all this has led to a "deep and endless ocean" of mundane existence. Obsession with control can do that to you.

But on one particular Wednesday, Harold (played with perfect pitch by Will Ferrell) is given a great gift. When a blip in his wrist-watch begins to mess with his ordered world, (for us, fill in the blank with any broken situation or relationship), his uneasiness begins to rise exponentially. On top of this, an audible voice (the author of his life-story, played by the always amazing Emma Thompson) begins to follow him, narrating his every move, and even tipping him off to his “imminent death.”

What Story am I in?
According to director Marc Forster, Stranger than Fiction seeks to grapple with the question, "how much of our lives are being written? How much control do we really have over, say, whether we get hit by a bus or not?" Do such questions matter? And who really wants to ponder their own death anyway? (Hint: see Ecclesiastes 7:2 “…death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.” Hmmm, apparently pondering the brevity of life and our story’s end can actually open the door to wisdom!)

With death now closer on the horizon, Harold’s new obsession has a better aim: a desperate need to learn the kind of story he’s in and what his life means. He begins to question: “is my life just a comedy? A cosmic joke? Or is it a tragedy, with death and taxes (the actual title of his story) the only “sure thing?” What's the author up to anyway?

"Shut Up and Leave Me Alone!"
A pivotal moment in Harold’s story comes when he's called upon to audit Ana Pascal (Maggie Gyllenhaal), the young bakery-shop owner who sees through Harold's controlled exterior. As she presents to him some warm chocolate-chip cookies she's made just for him, he must decide whether he can accept them as a “gift,” or insist on paying for the cookies - avoiding the scarier, out-of-control feeling of accepting an act of love. (Isn't this the scandal of grace? Like the prodigal returning to his father, we insist on paying our way, but the Giver will hear none of it.) The next scene pictures Harold, sad and alone on the street-corner, screaming at the heavens. Can we relate?

But what if life was actually a “Shakespearean comedy” (as counselor Ed Welch has suggested) – one where our lust for control and insistence on paying was not the final word? A story where the freedom to love, and a taste of unbelievable celebration - one better than any fiction can imagine - was the theme that transcended even death? Who would not want to be part of that story?

Diagnosing Control
Stranger than Fiction doesn’t reveal all the reasons for Harold’s obsessive-compulsive behaviors, but as physician and counselor Michael Emlet has noted, OCD tendencies can reveal many things: on the biological side, causes such as head trauma, strep-throat, and low-functioning thyroid may all play a role. Call these important factors the physical, “outer-side” of who we are. Obsessive hand-washing and house cleaning, repeated trips to check the locks on the doors, even persistent counting (like Harold) and compulsive hoarding of certain items has its reasons, and biological factors are sometimes known to play a part.

But a holistic, Scriptural view of what it means to be truly human also takes into account our “inner side,” or the “heart,” with all its desires, cravings, and assigning of value to people, places and things in our lives. We must ask, what fears are really controlling us? What cravings (think of approval, or comfort, or peace) tend to lead us around, and make us miserable? (There seems to be some evidence that this powerful inner-side can even influence the neurochemicals in our brains. How could it be otherwise, as we are a unity, an interconnected soul and body? Just think of how persistent anxiety or stress can make you feel old, or even cause physical illness.)

In addition, an “it’s all up to me” mentality in our heart can certainly lead us to seek mastery and control over our environment, as Harold desires, with self-imposed rituals and perfectionist tendencies. Or think of living with the persistent “fear of man” (Prov.29:25) which seeks to keep anxiety minimized by never looking bad or making a mistake before the eyes of others. Add to this efforts to “self-atone” and live a perfect life - when we’re plagued with persistent guilt - and its alot of plates to keep spinning in the air at once! Keeping danger and unwelcome surprises (including death) at bay while saving face can be at the heart of a desire to control our world. It’s also a cruel master, keeping us enslaved to fear and unable to rest or trust.

Control-Freaks Take Heart
Thankfully for Harold, learning to give up control means a better end. For us too, it can come as a great surprise (and relief) to learn that our suffering and struggle with control is actually written into a better story, one where “...all the days ordained for me were written in your book, before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). In this truer story we can take heart, for real control over history and evil was ultimately displayed at the cross, where death was swallowed up in victory (1 Cor. 15:54). Trusting his control, we find freedom to really live.

In conclusion, the “divine interruptions” that call us to face our brokenness and the illusion of having control - like of the author’s voice for Harold - can awaken us to a new hope, as we learn to rest our anxious hearts in a loving Christ, receiving all His benefits. For if it’s true that we don’t change unless we’re gripped with a greater affection (and it is), a glorious Christ is exactly where we find it. And as we also learn to see ourselves as part of his body, meant to work in harmony with others, our self-reliant tendencies can give way to greater cooperation with others, which is love in community.

Little did we know that this stranger than fiction, real-life story offers exactly what we need!

Every Woman's Dream

2011-06-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

However much reality actually exists in “Reality TV” these days is a question, but a particular show’s widespread attraction might be an indicator of things. Take The Bachelorette, for example. With ten million weekly viewers (and a high percentage of those in the 18-49 age female category), the question begs asking: Why are so many women, both single and married, gathering en masse to hang out and watch this show?

Sure, you could say that part of the reason is that women are tremendously social creatures, and will take any bonding-time excuse to be together. And you’d be partly right. Chatting with the girls, building community, and enjoying each other’s company is something they do well. It's how they're wired as compassionate verbal creatures. (The old joke about women using twice as many words as men primarily because men need things repeated comes to mind - but poor communication alone doesn’t explain this. Think of it as a wonderful Designer feature for men to appreciate).

But perhaps the immense popularity of these largely women-only groups surrounding this particular show suggests a deeper reason, one that lies closer to her heart:

Every woman longs to be courted, to be pursued by someone who finds her irresistible.

To test this, just watch a woman while she’s watching this show (as I have), and you’ll see how something deep inside her visibly resonates with Ali’s plight (or privilege, depending on how you look at it). To be showered with gifts and attentiveness and even silly romantic songs by a group of relatively handsome (how would I know?) and eligible guys appears, initially at least, like she died and went to heaven. (That is, unless a woman has been deeply hurt, and is swearing off the whole idea of men for a variety of reasons. But more on that in a moment).

Is it unrealistic? Sure. But that really isn't the point here.

The Most Powerful Man in the World
And this deeper resonance doesn’t surface because reality television comes along and unlocks a hidden door. It’s there from day one for little girls. As soon as they can express it, they want to know: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for?

John Eldredge, addressing these comments to Fathers, writes:

All through those years, when she’s dressing up and doing shows for you and playing princess and trying to look beautiful and shedding tears over the fact that she might not be, she is trying to capture your attention. She wants to know: Am I lovely? That’s the question every little girl is asking. And she looks to her dad to answer it.

That’s why dress-up, and putting on make-up, and eventually shows about relationships, as well as numerous magazines about couples, fashion, and bridal gowns are all part of the deal for girls.

Deep insecurities grow when fathers fail to answer these questions, early and often, with hugs and compliments and reassurances. The result, Eldredge says, is that girls will tend to seek the answer from someone else as soon as they possibly can. (Might this explain at least some of the attraction of the show?)

Losing the Dream: “Evil wants you to hate your face”
Perhaps. But if all this is true, then it’s vital for us to recognize that a girl’s (or woman’s) worst fear is anything that smacks of "you are not wanted, not prized, not lovely enough to be pursued and fought for." Fathers and would-be courters should take serious note: any expression of false intimacy or abandonment (from preoccupied or absentee fathers to addictions with internet porn) will certainly cut her to the core. She will notice when you can't take the hard work of meaningful relationship, but instead have opted for an easy out.

Even worse, maybe she's received the message that she appeared to be wanted, but for other, and decidedly insidious reasons. (Sexual abuse now impacts a staggering 38% of all girls before the age of 18).

The devastating impact this will have upon her heart often results in a sinister belief that grows within her, and is hard to shake: she must hate the face and body which appeared to cause her pain. (Men also experience levels of this shame, and are not immune to its effects. See Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart book and workbook, two excellent resources for women and men struggling to find hope and healing).

Notice how the two questions above are impacted. A woman's face, meant to uniquely reflect and “shine” something of God’s beauty and image to the world, and to give and receive love, is now seen by her as shameful and despised thing to be hidden or distorted (after all, how else can the pain stop?), further abused by men, or even destroyed (by escaping into drugs, bulimia, and various false forms of intimacy herself, in order to find some kind of acceptance and meaning). This is the message she was sent through abuse, and how evil seeks to triumph and obliterate God’s handiwork.

Finding the Perfect Man
But there is another way, barely (if ever) hinted at by reality television, that these deep questions of a woman’s heart begin to be answered. Yes, there is a perfect man! His is a way of healing and renewed beauty, where the soul pain of rejection can begin to melt and hope can grow. A perfect and true Man, one who promised to “bind up the broken-hearted” and “carry our sorrows.” (Isaiah 53:3-6). He will not abuse, and He knows how to speak tenderly to your soul and touch the broken places. All that you have turned to and covered yourself in up to this point (and all your future attempts as well) - even the contempt for self and others - can be forgiven and thrown into the heart of the sea, forever. And a new identity as a beloved bride will also be yours:

For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you, like a wife of forsaken and grieved in spirit, even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected. Isaiah 54:5,6

The path to healing and real intimacy is to recognize that Jesus is a man willing to fight – even die - for your womanhood. His cross should be seen - in part - in this light. And he went there to restore you, forgive you, make you beautiful, and to make your face shine, for his triumph on your behalf means he can provide a new heart that is set free to love and receive love again.

Men who would truly love a woman must first recognize this. Embracing Christ's sacrifice ushers us into a new reality, one we all long for. His perfect love is the true rose, and its for you.

Call Me Scrooge!

2010-12-29T12:20:00.000-08:00

Poor Scrooge! Despite being "redeemed every year" as his timeless story is told and re-told (and Disney's new 3-D, animated version is a surprisingly fresh and faithful rendering), he just can't seem to shake the bad rap. To be called a Scrooge today, for example, undoubtedly means you're tight-fisted with buck - as I know I can be, to my shame. But I do wonder (as I wander), will the name of Scrooge forever be associated with his past sins - even though his story ends so gloriously?:

"Many laughed to see this alteration in him, but he let them laugh and little heeded them. His own heart laughed and that was quite enough for him. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge."

I want to be that Scrooge! I mean, think of it. The very sight of him - which once elicited shudders and chills - now brings others deep joy and delight! How inviting is that?!

But perhaps the greater irony concerning Scrooge has to do with his first name, Ebenezer, which is I'm guessing why Dickens chose it. Following the pattern of many good words from antiquity, Ebenezer once enjoyed a better past. Long before all the negative Scrooge connotations, the Hebrew word originally came from the Israelites setting up a commemorative stone (literally, "a stone of help," see I Samuel 7:12-14). The idea was they could look at it and remember God's preserving grace to them in the past, and thus be encouraged for the present and the future. Kind of like Scrooge needing those three visitations before he could celebrate.

But why a memorial stone, or stars (for Abraham), or bread and wine? Why Christmas movies, and carols, and gifts? Apparently God knew the Israelites, much like Scrooge (and me) were prone to forgetting certain key things - really important things like past grace, and His future promise to care. And so God graciously gives to us Ebenezers, or physical remembrances, because while it's true that faith comes by hearing (Rom. 10:17), God throws in seeing, tasting, and touching as a bonus, added means to spark off our celebrations.

Christmas then, like good counseling, is in large part about helping us remember - or maybe even learn for the first time - that an outrageously gracious God has come to heal twisted pasts, and to bring us joy. Like the surprise gift you never expected, God wants to surprise even you with unimaginable and healing grace, so that you will be set free to really know, love and enjoy him.

So what are three "Ebenezers" that a better Scrooge and Christmastime helps us remember, so that we may celebrate well this year?

Ghost of Christmas Past (Ebenezer stone #1): Your past story matters immensely, but it need not define you (i.e., make you a crotchety Scrooge forever).

In the original Carol, Dickens wisely gives us glimpses of a young Ebenezer, and we are saddened by the sheer amount of brokenness. There he sits, alone at school. We then learn that his mother died giving birth to him, which likely (and sadly) accounts for his father's relational coldness - a trait he not surprisingly comes to follow. His beloved sister Fan also dies in childbirth, bearing his nephew Fred. So when Ebenezer turns for rescue, as we often do, to the illusory "safety" of making money (his "golden idol" of choice), sacrificing the prospect of a loving marriage in the process, we see clearly where pain and bitterness can take us.

Like all of us, Scrooge is clearly a victim, but also a victimizer. But how much do we take pride in wearing these labels - "I'm an adult survivor of ________ (fill in the blank)?" Here is where the story, like our persistent God, surprises us. For like the three visitors, God Himself wants to get our attention long enough to hear him say, "No, that is not your true identity - if you let me surprise you with my visitation. His name is Immanuel, God with us, and His past included a manger and a cross, followed by an empty tomb." So now, if you meet and really get to know this living Jesus, as Sinclair Ferguson notes, "His past now becomes your past." Beloved child, son or daughter, becomes your new and better name. But how is this possible, you ask?

Ghost of Christmas Present (Ebenezer stone #2): Jesus can teach you to love - and rescue you when you don't.

I always love the scene when Scrooge is cut to the heart by peering in on the Cratchit's humble yet loving home - just what he (and we) needed to convict our hearts about our failures in love! In the same way, do you really think you can learn to love without seeing God's grace in action - without seeing the real point of the manger and cross? The important "Ebenezer" here is that trying to give yourself a new law to "just go out and love" will only leave you powerless and sad, crying out like Scrooge to Marley, "Speak words of comfort to me, Jacob!" (At this point the Law will also answer, "I have none to give.") You can't do it! That's the whole point of Jesus coming at Christmas. God's commands to love are meant to serve as a mirror in which we gaze long enough to see our dirty faces (hearts), leading us to seek after (cry out for) the soap, the cleansing blood of Christ:

So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. (Galatians 3:24)
and
...the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. (Galatians 5:6)

Only as we turn from ourselves to look (and rest) in Christ, are we then empowered anew to love.

Moralism and legalism, along with good intentions, weren't born in the manger - but they were crucified on the cross. So try this Gospel remedy to counteract your tendency to run back to legalism, as the old preacher McCheyne suggested: for every one look at your sin, take ten at Christ. The loving Christ of Christmas - given for you - is your present substitute and cleansing, not just your past or future Savior.

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (Ebenezer stone #3): God holds your future! (Better yet, God is your future)

Further, understand that what you do right now, at this very moment, matters for the future. I love the film versions of A Christmas Carol which show a humbled Scrooge, upon having immediately secured the prize turkey for the Cratchit's Christmas feast, in worship on Christmas morning, singing. So start by cranking up some good Christmas carols, and take the opportunity to sit and listen closely to the words: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (the one the new Scrooge usually sings) is unparalleled for its Gospel truth. I'm also reminded of a dear friend who had her own "visitation" with a line in O Holy Night (the line was "Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth." Very cool). Christmas Carols make an awesome Ebenezer. But you must learn to be still and listen (Ps. 46:10). But then don't just be still. Break out, like Scrooge on Christmas morning, and dance and sing. Then I'll call you Scrooge too, and together we'll say,

God bless us, everyone!

(Movie note: I had a great time with my teen-age son watching the latest Disney version of A Christmas Carol, 3-D glasses and all. The film is surprisingly scary, however, so those with small kids may want to take note! Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!)

Your Greatest Nightmare

2010-06-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

There’s a tremendously motivating theme of our existence – particularly germane to counseling - which is often missed in Christian circles, especially those which focus almost exclusively on guilt and forgiveness (important though each may be). But it’s a theme that comes through loud and clear in Scripture, and also in a quirky but endearing Cameron Crowe movie called Elizabethtown (2005 Paramount Pictures). As the film reveals, the theme of shame seems to touch almost every area of life – but mostly our relationships.

One particular scene revealing this theme of shame is especially poignant. Traveling “back home” to attend to the funeral arrangements of his father, Drew Baylor (Orlando Bloom) meets a happily persistent flight attendant (played delightfully by Kirsten Dunst). Their ensuing relationship leads Drew to a moment of confession: what she doesn’t know is that he’s a “spectacular failure,”- thanks to a hugely unpopular and costly sneaker design that hits the skids - to the tune of almost a billion dollars.

As Drew bleeds out his bleak news (his “dark appointment with destiny”) to Claire – news which will hit the newspaper stands the very next day - he wonders how he might, in fact, disappear. (There’s a particularly funny attempt to do away with himself earlier in the film, but even in this, he’s a failure). Unable because of his shame to pursue his interest in Claire, Drew sees his very existence through the lens of his failure, stating “that’s my secret. That’s who I am.”

Shame, it seems, is like that, isn’t it? Not only does it dig it’s sharp claws into our very soul, wrenching our enjoyment of others right out of life, it seems to attach itself to who we are – our very identity. We feel as if hiding, or disappearing from the gaze of others, is the only option. No wonder Sartre called shame a “hemorrhaging of the soul.”

The Beginnings of Shame
Elizabethtown rightly pictures shame as intensely relational – an experience primarily involving another’s eyes. When Genesis first pictures Adam and Eve as “naked and without shame,” (Gen. 2:25) we get the idea that in each other’s original gaze, there was nothing but complete and utter acceptance, a purity of love. Can we imagine such a state? Absolute harmony, with God and man.Surely this made for enjoyment in their looking, both at each other and all the beauty God had made. And just as the refrain is repeated throughout all creation, for this first couple, it was truly “all good.” (Notice too how our essential dignity is also established, (fashioned in “His image”), answering that first question of all questions – “who are we, really?”

Our place in the universe then is not accidental, but intentional and immediately relational - made to know and reflect our Father. Our counseling goal, to reestablish relationship with God our maker, is clearly established from the first three chapters of Scripture.) But it’s what we do next that becomes the real issue.

CS Lewis, in his space-novel Perelandra, pictures in a unique way what transpires – albeit, on a fictional planet. In Lewis’s world, it’s as if the Tempter handed a mirror to the woman, so that she might gaze inward - at herself. Here on earth, however, the lie is literally spoken: she could be independent. (Adam is of course, quite culpable – he wimped out on crushing the serpent and protecting his wife.)

Then the lie then grows even more sinister: Eve and her husband could be as God himself, knowing not only the beauty of good, but now also the agony of adultery, the poison of pride, and the despair of death. (Did we really need to know that?) Realizing their nakedness of soul, our first parents sought to cover their shame and rebellion with flimsy “fig-leaves” of their own design. In so doing, they reveal two more crucial aspects of shame: a sense of exposure, and blame-shifting. No longer is there a joy in “being known.” The only recourse is to hide, to try to deflect and control each other’s gaze, and (sadly) to make each other the problem in order to salvage some sense of self.

More Than Forgiveness
All of us need desperately to be forgiven. But is it possible that we now actually need more than God’s forgiveness – as essential as that is? Like Drew Baylor, it’s not merely that we occasionally fail (a sense of guilt) with poor choices. What is also true is that we are in fact failures - at our very center. Have we not all felt this?

Dan Allender relates the story of a boy who was sent out to the store by a teacher to buy napkins for his class. He returns with a huge box of sanitary napkins, completely unaware of his mistake. The teacher’s face, as well as the laughter of his classmates, causes him to want to disappear in horror. Will he ever want to volunteer his service again?

We can all relate to such stories. Someone lies about us, and our reputation is crushed. We want to retreat, to build walls of perfectionism and protection so that it never happens again. We mess up big time (like Drew), and are exposed as "inadequate." Or perhaps the shame is dreadfully cast on us by another, such as in sexual abuse. A young girl is molested, killing her deep longings to be wanted by anyone ever again. All of the sudden her own body – once a beautiful flower unfolding – becomes an object to be despised. After all, it seemed to get her into trouble, and bring shame. For her, intimacy equals pain and shame, so why bother? Avoid being known and loved by another, at all costs.

A Refuge for Our Shame
But what if we were truly known, exposed before someone whose eyes truly matter, yet still loved? Here is where Claire shines in the film, in a moment of grace that disarms Drew:

“Do you think I care about that [his failure]? …You want to be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around…make ‘em wonder why you’re still smiling. That’s true greatness to me…”

Where does such courage to "stick around," even smile at ourselves, really come from?

As we look for the grace of God revealed in Scripture – centered particularly on One who would come and crush the Tempter’s shameful head – we see a wonderful promise revealed:

Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth.” (Isaiah 54:4)

But how, we say? Consider what this Rescuer does. Two thousand years ago, on a Roman cross, he becomes humiliated – naked for all to see. Imagine it! What would you feel if you were paraded naked through a city, then raised up, abused and bleeding, for all to see? But it’s not actually for himself that this shame is upon him – it’s for you. It’s your shame he bore, yours and mine. He does it so, as David said:

"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame.” (Psalm 25:3)

So what’s your greatest nightmare? Whatever it is, it’s not remedied in self-protection. Not found in the “safety” of disengaging. It’s remedied only in being known, being seen by the most important eyes in the universe, and yet loved in His Son. It’s healed in embracing a new identity – beloved son or daughter. He takes your shame, and you wear the clothes of royalty. And the good news is, these "Emperor's new clothes" are real.

So you are free now to confess now what you really are. When you find yourself retreating in shame again, ask him to tear down your walls of safety, so that you can actually breathe his free air. And He will. And as He does, you will find healing for your shame beyond your wildest dreams.

The Two Things You Want Most

2010-05-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

Escape into reality - that’s what a good book or film does for me. If it’s really good it makes me ask, “Isn’t life like that?” “Isn’t that beautiful, or true of relationships?” “Isn’t love just impossible, but when touched by grace, so worth it in the end?” Whether its a comedy that pokes at the absurdity and sadness of pretentious, selfish relationships (like the recent Ghost-Town movie), and then is able to melt your heart with the surprise of redemption, or a drama that marvelously hints at a hidden hand of Providence operating in the midst of our brokenness (Slum-dog Millionaire), stories and films can counsel our hearts and ask some great questions. (Yes, they can also be a whole lot of fun too – and that’s not at all bad, as CS Lewis noted).

Take the recent Rachel Getting Married film, now out on dvd, starring Anne Hathaway (written by Jenny Lumet and directed by Jonathan Demme). Watching this film with my wife and son was literally like being flies on the wall at a family week-end wedding party, where every detail – like life itself - had the potential to reveal some new aspect of brokenness and grace. The purposeful “camcorder” feel created by the hand-held camera work was also especially effective, bringing us (the “party guests”) up close and personal with a family that turns out to be not too unlike ours - trying desperately to figure out how love and relationships can look in a broken yet glorious world.

What does this have to do with counseling? Everything! Our lives are a story, unfolding every moment, pregnant with meaning. The details matter. Good questions help reveal them: What happened to you? What did you think/do about it? How are you now seeing yourself, others, and God in the middle of all this? Who (or what) are you really hoping in now? What are your struggles and joys?

Rachel Getting Married works as a film and a mirror for truth because it effectively reveals a world where each person’s heart has both a history and the wonderful opportunity for redemption. And like all of us, the characters are busy grappling with (as counselor and author Dan Allender notes) two great and motivating heart-desires: Who will love me? and (often), How can I get my own way? Think about it. Aren’t those two desires the source of most of the drama in your own life?

We’re All Addicted
How do those two questions take shape for each of us, especially in the kind of world that Rachel portrays? In a world where we battle with our own addictions (call them idols of the heart), just as Kym (played with wonderful realism in the film by Hathaway) battles with hers? It may not be the more dramatic addictions to alcohol, drugs, or sex, but the same root motivations and questions lie behind our quests for acceptance, comfort, and significance. Our lives may indeed look different on the outside, but inside, the situation has many similarities. This is because all of us long to respond in adoration to someone or something; to be swept up, dazzled, and “blown away.” It’s how we’re made.

Romans 1 clarifies this heart desire by explaining that our desire will either be wrapped around a glorious Creator, and enjoying His world in thankfulness to Him, or it will be something we’ve turned to in creation – whether a person, food, sex, etc. But to the extent that you and I believe the lie that only some people are addicts – you know, the ones who really need rehab (like Kym, and the others at Narcotics Anonymous) we’ve missed the boat about grace. As screenwriter Jenny Lumet said in a recent interview with Glide magazine,

“…Some people are addicted to information – there are people who can’t leave their house without their Blackberry. I know a lot of people who are just addicted to plain old drama. Like, how about a nice non-dramatic day? No, no!”

To Be Loved
So where do you tend to look for your desire for love, for acceptance, for approval? In the film, and in life, it is the desire to be loved when we’re at our very worst which catches us up short. Plagued with guilt over how her addictions contributed to the drowning death of her brother, Kym attends a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. When she finally speaks, one line is particularly illuminating:

“I struggle with God so much…and sometimes I don't want to believe in a God that could forgive me. But I do want to be sober...”

What does Kym really want? Behind the swirling mix of wounded pride, guilt, and destructive behavior, lies the prospect of actual forgiveness and complete acceptance – to be a “maid of honor.” And yet, how could God actually forgive an addict and a murderer, and still be a good God? Isn’t that really the question for us as well? Maybe it’s because we want to see ourselves in a better light than as “murderers of God” (since it is our sin that necessitates Christ to bear our guilt and die) that we choose all our “God- substitutes.” Are you really telling me I can't fix it myself?

Exactly. But here, to our great surprise, is where the scandal of grace is best seen. While we’re busy seeking our own saviors that will somehow absolve us (or at least help us forget for awhile), Jesus offers to throw us a party – the likes of which we’ve never seen! At this party (as in the film) are all the freaks, the outcasts, the spiritually lame. And still bearing his own wounds of love, he welcomes each one!

“Come, all you who are thirsty…and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come buy wine and milk, without money, and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.” ~ Isaiah 55:1,2

The real scandal here is that the cost has already been paid by none other than God Himself. And He does it to love you - yes, even you. Counseling needs this truth at the very center, for it is the only valid answer to the cry of our soul: who will love me? The cross is indeed the place where "God’s justice and mercy kiss," and we are healed – again and again. And surprise - you are invited to this banquet of grace!

Do You Really Want Your Own Way?
You see, if we got our own way, you and I would opt for a self-salvation program. Many addicts do, which is why “the program” now becomes the new idol. (This is not to knock programs, but if they don’t lead to the banquet of grace in Christ, they’ve missed the boat.) However, we certainly need a family around us – spiritual brothers and sisters to help shoulder the burden of change for us, to keep us accountable, and away from what one counselor has called “a banquet in the grave.” Like Kym’s family, that family of grace called “the church” won’t be perfect (they’re fellow addicts too, just perhaps in different ways) but the more they keep their eyes on the wedding feast of grace, the closer we will all be to true celebration.

And that’s why this film becomes for us a great insight for counseling. Life - as it can be in Christ - is really about moving away from the lies that want to kill us (think of the moment where Kym wants to drive her car into a tree) and toward a wedding celebration – it’s the very purpose of history. It’s the purpose of your personal history. Your deep sorrows, your many tears will give way to laughter and incredible joy. You will, in fact, want to dance at this wedding celebration – like you’ve never danced before. But you will first show up, like Kym, battered and bruised, to let Christ wash you.

As the film ends, we're caught up in this most unlikely celebration. Everything isn’t perfect yet (life is still a battle for Kym), but there is now hope. The same is true for us: one day in the future, your heart will know what you’ve longed for all along. Just like the moment in a wedding when the bride is given to the bridegroom, you will know true joy, and will sit down to a banquet. So live right now in the hope of that great celebration. In fact, try celebrating grace right now, and in so doing, find the best answers for those two questions you and I are always asking.

(Note: Rachel Getting Married is Rated R for sex, drug use, and emotional violence. Like any film that seeks an accurate portrayal of addiction in a fallen world, these elements ought not surprise us. However, parents should certainly take this information into account before viewing with their children.)