Counseling Men Blog Advice for men – and the women who love them!

How Do Men Cheat? Here's How

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Wed, 29 May 2013 23:01:00 GMT

Part 1 of 2

I recently received the following request from a woman asking me to explain how do men cheat. As the wife of a cheating man, she wanted help understanding how men cheat. Here's what she wrote, followed by the first six questions she asked and my answers.

“Kurt can you write an article to help shed some light on the common questions/issues faced by the women who are left disillusioned by an affair. There is little written about what the affair partner goes through that can help betrayed partners understand what they are faced with on a daily basis - their partner's changes in personality, attitude & behavior.”

How can someone change seemingly overnight?

Partners don’t change overnight – no one does. Your partner was changing - you just didn’t see it. The same answers go for how do men cheat - the change that happens to allow someone to cheat typically happens over time too.

Most likely the reasons you didn’t see the changes earlier on is a combination of his (or her) hiding it, your not paying enough attention, some denial or ignoring of the clues on your part, and being distracted by the busyness of life.

The biggest take away of these for a betrayed spouse like your self is, why you didn’t see or ignored the clues. This can be a tough one to hear, but it’s true in every situation, if you’ll look close enough. This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for his bad choices, but it does mean that you played a part in the cheating happening.

How can someone who loved & respected you have no care, compassion, empathy for you or your situation?

First, just like above, there is no switch that flips and a person goes from loving and respecting to not caring and hurting by cheating. There was change going on that you just didn’t recognize. When change is gradual many of us don’t see it, especially if we’re close to the situation.

Second, part of the way our mind deals with behavior that goes against our belief system, is to disconnect from rational thought and normal feelings. A phrase that is often used is that we compartmentalize, in other words we separate ourselves from those thoughts and feelings. How do men cheat? One of the ways is that they compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings about cheating.

How can they be so cold towards you?

They’re cold towards you because of the compartmentalization technique (described above) that their brain is using to manage the cheating behavior - behavior that they know deep down is wrong. If they disconnect themselves from you, physically, mentally and emotionally, then it’s easier for them not to have the normal feelings connected with wrongdoing, such as guilt or remorse; it also helps prevent second thoughts.

How do they deal with the fact that they've hurt another?

How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you. A technique that many cheating men use is to shift blame – they’re not the one doing the hurting, they're the one who was hurt. They then use this rational - that they’ve been wronged - to justify their wrong behavior, which from this point of view can now be defined as right.

How can they turn their backs without an explanation knowing how much it pains another?

Turning their back is easy when, as I said above, they deny the pain they're causing and believe they’re cheating is justified. Remember that they've also disconnected mentally and emotionally from you, and thus they probably don't recognize or care about your pain.

How can they leave without trying to fix a marriage or end respectfully?

Fixing a marriage first requires acknowledging that there are problems. If cheating men are using some of the above coping mechanisms (and all of them are), then they'll either be denying the problems or blaming them on their partner - especially the problem that they've cheated.

Fixing a relationship also requires change. Most of us don't like change. Cheating men typically don't want things to change. They like the joys that the cheating relationship brings.

Answering the question, how do men cheat, is at the same time easy and complicated; psychologically it makes sense, but logically it's very confusing. If you're the partner of a cheating man, hopefully these answers will begin to help you make sense of how men cheat.

Is Flirting Cheating? Yes, Flirting Is Cheating.

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 23:04:00 GMT

Hey there, it's Kurt Smith. You know a few days ago on my Google Plus profile I made a post about flirting, and I said that flirting is cheating.

Here's a little bit of what I wrote. Flirting is fine if you're not in any kind of relationship, the same goes for the person you're flirting with, but if you're married, or in a serious relationship, flirting with someone else is wrong.

Well that got a lot of response. Some people agreed with me and quite a few people disagreed with me, some strongly both ways. So is flirting cheating? What do you think?

Before we talk about it any further, let's get on a level playing field and establish a couple of definitions. First, flirting. Webster's Dictionary defines flirting as to behave amorously, which means with a sexual love, without serious intent. So flirting according to Webster's is to behave amorously without serious intent. I would add that having a relationship with another person that has sexual chemistry is flirting.

Let's look at a couple of comments to get an idea of what other people would define flirting as. Walther M.M. says, "Flirting is generally seen as behaving in "suggestively sexy" ways with other people, and is generally the first step towards developing romance, as this is what singles usually do to signal interest in others." I would agree.

MaLou Santos wrote, "Flirting is done to arouse sexual interest in another person. If it is a simple admiration without sexual connotation, then it is not flirting." I would agree with that as well.

We all know what flirting is. I don't think we need to debate that. We could argue about whether it's intentional or not, but that's not the point. The point is that we know when there is sexual chemistry -- we know when we are flirting.

Let's add another definition before we explore this a little bit more. So cheating. How would we define cheating? I would say that cheating is going out of the relationship to meet any needs that are supposed to be met in the relationship by your partner.

Nearly all of us would agree that having sex with somebody else when you're in a relationship is cheating. But cheating doesn't just happen around sex. It can take many other forms.

Here's another comment. This comes from Greta Piperkoska. "I'm gonna imagine myself as married. Me and my husband go into a restaurant. Some man closer to the door than my husband opens it for me. I throw him a sexy smile, because I'm a woman. Cheating? Haha."

Well, Greta, I would say yes, that may have not been your intent, but you did cross a line with the 'sexy' smile. A smile, perfectly fine, a 'sexy' smile and you've crossed into the cheating waters. It wasn't your intent, but that's what's happened.

So, here's what I meant, and here's how I would explain why I believe flirting is cheating. Flirting is cheating because it's breaking a boundary within a committed relationship. In a committed relationship we agree to give certain parts of ourselves to our partner. When we're flirting, we're giving sexual interest and attention that only our partner should get -- we're giving it to somebody else.

Flirting with someone when we're in a relationship is unloving and it's disrespectful to our partner. That may not be our intention, but it's a result of flirting.

So how are we supposed to act? Here's a question from Samantha H. "So because I'm married, I can't smile and say thank you to a man who holds the door open for me?" No, you exactly can and you should. This does not mean you can't be friendly, that we can't be nice, or engage with the opposite sex. It's just that there's no flirting with anyone but our significant other.

So that sexy smile that Greta threw that man, not okay. Samantha, just smiling, you're fine.

So flirting is cheating. What evidence is there to support this statement? All you got to do is look at our culture, and how many failed and broken relationships. I work with people everyday as a counselor, men and women, and I hear from hundreds and thousands everyday online. Who are struggling in broken and failed relationships because they didn't respect boundaries in the relationship.

So, that's my belief, flirting is cheating. Is flirting cheating? Agree or disagree??

How Do You Make Your Husband Love You? Learn The Secrets

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 14:50:00 GMT

Q: How do you make your husband love you? Recently my husband informed me that he has never felt physically or sexually attracted to me. We did not sleep together before we were married, so he thought once we started having sex the feelings would come. He believes that this is the way it is and he will never find me attractive or be turned on by me. He is also feeling we lack an emotional "in love" connection. Since these emotional needs have not been met by me, he has had other women meet them (not physically, emotionally). So how do you make your husband love you? I believe attraction and chemistry can be built. Is this true? -- Sheri P.

A: You’re not alone in asking the question, “how do you make your husband love you?" Other wives ask that question too, and many of the couples I counsel share the same problems you and your husband are facing.

You're correct in believing that attraction and chemistry can be built. Let's try to understand what's probably going on for your husband and with that we'll find some answers on how to get your husband to love you.

First, people often wrongly assume that when they get married feelings will change and things will get better, but things only change with effort to change, not with "I Do."

Second, I assume that because your husband did marry you that he does find some things about you attractive. They may not be physical or sexual, but that's okay. One of the misperceptions about sex is that it requires raging sexual attraction for sex to be good. That's a myth that has been created by our media saturated culture.

Sex is a physical expression of the relationship. When your relationship is close mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, sexual attraction just naturally develops. When other areas of your relationship improve, your husband may be surprised to find himself sexually attracted to you. This is one of the answers to how to make your husband want you.

Third, another false belief that a lot of people have is that they should naturally and automatically feel 'in love' just by being together. Love is not just a feeling, but also a choice and an action. When your husband practices making better choices about the ways he loves you, like not connecting with other women, he may find that he'll become more attracted to you.

It's possible that your husband has a longstanding habit of meeting emotional and other needs outside his relationship with you. For example, I'm counseling a couple right now who just married and did not have sex before marriage too. This husband used porn regularly to manage not having sex while they were dating and has had a tough time being sexually attracted to his wife too. But that's begun to change as we've changed his habits.

Going outside the relationship to meet needs that are supposed to be met inside the relationship is extremely common. This can happen in many ways - like using friends on Facebook to connect emotionally with others rather than your partner; having too close of a connection with family members, such as a mother; or using porn like the guy above. How Do You Make Your Husband Love You? You stop tolerating and accepting your husband getting his emotional needs met by other women.

Lastly, there are some other possible reasons why your husband isn’t sexually attracted to you that have to do with the dynamics within your relationship. Here are a few those possibilities: he's unhappy with how he's treated by you; he may not feel respected, appreciated or valued by you; he may believe that you nag or treat him like you're his mother; there could be weight, hygiene or other ways you take care of yourself that he doesn't find appealing, but has not been honest with you about. More than likely, if any of these are true, you're not doing any of it intentionally.

Okay, that's a lot of possible answers to the question of how do you make your husband love you? So where do you start to begin to get things to change?

I'd start by finding a good time to talk to your husband, when the two of you can be alone and not distracted, tell him that you love him and want things to get better between the two of you, then show him this post, ask him to read it, and tell you what parts he can relate to. When you start to have an honest conversation, you'll start to understand how to get your husband to love you.

-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

When Do People Watch Porn?

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 18:38:00 GMT

When do people watch porn? It turns out, according to one study, that there are certain times of the year when people watch porn more than others. Surprisingly or not, the times of the year for watching more porn also matched the seasons.

So when are the peak seasons for people to watch porn? Winter and late summer.

Researchers at Villanova examined the Google trends for such commonly-searched-for terms as "porn," "xxx," "xxvideos" ... and other, more descriptive phrases . . . Once they'd gathered those terms, the authors examined them in Google Trends. And what they found was a defined cycle featuring clear peaks and valleys -- recurring at discernible six-month intervals. The cycle . . . surprisingly well to the world's calendar seasons.

Other searches don't. The researchers also ran a control group consisting of Google searches for non-sexual terms. And those terms demonstrated no such cyclical pattern.

So there's something about sex itself, it seems. Porn is periodical. Which is born out by another (semi-)control in the Villanova experiment. Researchers determined search terms associated with a relatively purpose-driven category of sexytime -- prostitution and dating websites -- and found that, for those terms ... the six-month cycle showed up again. (On The Internet, Porn Has Seasons, Too)

Are there other answers to the question, when do people watch porn, besides the times of the year? At Guy Stuff we've learned through our treatment of porn addiction that there are several other factors.

The first reason that comes to your mind maybe when people are not having sex. It’s commonly, but mistakenly, believed that how much sex a person is having contributes to porn viewing. Men often blame not having sex for why they watch porn. In actuality, having sex or not having sex is not a significant contributor to when people watch porn.

Opportunity to watch porn is a key factor for when people will watch porn. But opportunity takes a couple of different forms. First, having the access to porn, which most commonly today is accessed through the Internet and by devices like cell phones, tablets and laptop computers. Second, having time to watch, which supports the seasons of the year findings. Since in winter and late summer people are spending more time indoors.

Since porn is almost always watched individually, being alone is another contributor to when porn is watched. If there isn't alone time, we've found that men will often create it by doing things like staying up late alone or isolating themselves in a separate room of the house.

Boredom is a common reason men give. Although boredom is a contributor, it is not a core drive for when people watch porn. What is a core driver for watching porn is mood. When people are unhappy, depressed, and most frequently stressed, they watch porn.

Who would have thought that there are cycles, particularly certain times of the year, when people watch porn? But it's not surprising when you really understand the real reasons people watch porn.

What do you think? When do people watch porn? If you know someone who watches porn, what have you discovered about when they watch? Please share your insights below.

Why Do Women Cheat? One Woman Explains

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 17:36:00 GMT

Although there’s not one answer to the question, why do women cheat, there are some frequently repeated reasons. Surprising or not, the reasons why women cheat aren’t that much different from the reasons men do.

Do you think it's odd that I'm exploring the question why do women cheat on a blog for counseling men? After all, aren't men the ones who cheat? Actually, some studies have shown that women cheat more frequently than men. I regularly counsel men who've been cheated on. As we explore this question, I’ll share excerpts from the article, Confession: Why I Cheated On My Husband, by Marina Pearson.

"How could you have done this to me, to us? Who are you and who did I marry?”

So who does this sound like, a wife or husband? I’ve heard these words and others similar from both women and men dealing with a cheating spouse. These were actually said by Marina's husband.

With tears in his eyes, my ex-husband shouted and screamed these questions at me on the day he found out that I'd had an affair. All the while, I stood there shaking, in shock, not knowing what to say that would make what I had done right. I was a cheater.

According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012 by undercoverlovers.com, cheating women are more likely to stray as they are seeking emotional fulfillment, an improvement to their self-esteem and romance. When women cheat will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages. But according to the survey, wives who cheat will do so five years into their marriages whereas men will do so seven years in.

The top reason for why do women cheat is happiness. Women who cheat are unhappy, for one reason or another, and are seeking happiness outside their relationship.

1. My Mindset. I was still living in the illusive notion that happiness was something that I could acquire from an external source, so I bought into a fantasy. It's a fantasy that I see a lot of my clients buy into, which is that there is a fairy tale, one-sided man that exists to bring happiness to them. This is just not true.

Back then, I bought into the notion that because I wasn't happy that someone else could dish happiness up on a silver platter. As my ex husband was not able to, someone else could surely, right? This of course wasn't true and to this day, still isn't. In fact, the whole ordeal stressed me out and exposed me to more confusion and unhappiness.

Another reason why women cheat that Marina's cites is guilt. She didn't find her husband sexually attractive anymore. I hear this a lot in counseling. A common mistake is to believe that this feeling means the relationship is dead.

2. The Guilt Factor. I honestly believed I was a bad person for thinking that I no longer fancied my ex husband, so as not to hurt him I kept quiet. I couldn't find the words to tell him that I no longer found him sexually attractive. I was scared that he would finally find out that I was that "bad person" I judged myself to be. Instead of being able to confront him with my feelings and thoughts that "only bad people" would have, I proved my own beliefs of being that "bad person" anyway hoping he wouldn't find out.

Not having the tools to fix the problems in the relationship is another reason why women cheat, and men too. Rather than learn how to fix the problems people just look for an easier solution like finding someone else where the problems don't exist (yet).

3. Lack of Maturity and Knowledge. Looking back, I realize now that I didn't have the maturity or the tools of how to live with the problems that my ex-husband and I were encountering at the time. We would argue, get upset and as a result, our communication broke down and so did our intimacy. I didn't know how to manage the dynamic nor manage my thoughts around them either. Any time we argued, I honestly believed that he didn't love me. So, I acted out to get my own back.

Why do women cheat? A passionless relationship is last reason Marina says contributed to her cheating. Add this to the unhappiness that results, and was already described, and you have the stage set for an affair.

4. The Passion Died. At the time, I remember feeling that the passion had died in our relationship. I wanted to feel that my ex husband longed for me, that he wanted me and that he would woo me. Our relationship fell into a day to day routine, taking all the excitement out of it and the passion died. I wanted to break free from this and thought that the best way was to do it through a selfish act. (from Confession: Why I Cheated On My Husband)

So why do women cheat? Unhappiness, wrong mindset, lack of sexual attraction, guilt, lack of honesty in relationship, immaturity, lack of knowledge and relationship tools, and being in a passionless relationship. How many of these do you have? And even more importantly, how many could your partner have?

As you can see, the reasons why do women cheat could describe men as well as women. The solutions, as well as the prevention of an affair, are the same too. Start by dealing with problems, and if you don't know how, ask a professional for help.

Verbally Abused - How To Make Verbal Abuse Stop

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 20:13:00 GMT

Q: We have been married for 42 years. From early on my wife has been sharp tongued and has verbally abused both our children and myself. It is always verbal accusations of how sorry you are, you are a screw up, and using the past as nothing but a weapon of hurt. It has escalated to physical abuse a few times on myself mainly. She did lash out at our children when younger but never in front of me. That I would have never tolerated. As the children have grown and moved away the shared abuse has now been mostly targeted at me. My company I worked for closed about a month ago. So the tension has grown. Not that it needed anymore fuel to the fire. I am tired of it. It has gotten vicious. I am weary, and no words ever help or apologies seem to never come unless they are from me. She gets almost violent. I am a big man and would never hurt her. How do I deal with being verbally abused, and can our marriage survive and I survive? -- Willie D.

A: You use some very accurate words to describe what it’s like to be verbally abused. I’m sure others can relate to how you feel: “I am tired.” “It has gotten vicious.” “I am weary.” “No words ever help.” Women just as much as men can get abused verbally too.

You also give several really good examples of what being abused verbally can look like:

A common form of verbal abuse is the put down - as she tells you "how sorry you are."
Another way we can be verbally abused is by name-calling - "you are a screw up." And we all know that the names can get even more hurtful than that.
The final one you describe is extremely common in a lot of relationships - "using the past as nothing but a weapon of hurt." I can't tell you how many times I've had men tell me that their partner never forgets anything. A guy in counseling this week described how his wife told him last weekend (for the umpteenth time) how he had let her down for the last 24 years and then listed all the ways.

Now to your question about how to deal with being verbally abused. How you deal with it is to stop dealing with it. Another words stop accepting it. Most likely, barring a miraculous change by your wife, the only way to stop her verbal abuse is for you to stop tolerating it.

If you stop accepting her verbal abuse, one of two things will have to happen. Either she will change and stop being abusing you, or your relationship will change and potentially end.

It's very important to note though that since you've been together for more than 42 years there's a long history of her abusing verbally and your accepting it that has to be overcome. That means it's going to be hard and take some time for you both to start creating some different ways of doing your relationship.

How do you begin to stop tolerating verbal abuse? In many small and large ways you send the message "I won't accept it anymore." Here are a few examples:

Walk away, hang up the phone, or leave the house when you're being verbally abused
Tell her how you feel when she speaks to you like that and then follow that up by doing one of above
Start to set consequences if she continues to be verbally abusive. That can look like things like you no longer do activities that she wants to do together, you don't pay for things she wants, you stop doing things for her that she expects from you. In different ways you have to exercise consequences for her continuing to mistreat you.

Can you marriage survive? That's up to you and whether or not you'll continue to accept getting abused verbally, and whether or not your wife will choose to change. You've lasted 42 years, but certainly not in a happy or healthy way. Sadly, a lot of people just accept the abuse and don't ever do the hard work to force change. I hope that's not you. For the best interests and happiness of you, your wife, your kids and family, I hope you'll start today to stop accepting being verbally abused.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Why Do Married Men Cheat? Learn The 3 Reasons

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 17 Nov 2012 20:10:00 GMT

Wondering why do married men cheat? Let’s examine the latest high profile cheater, General David Petraeus, to find some answers. Below are excerpts from a USA Today article on Why Do the Powerful Cheat. It gives us a few starting points in understanding why do married men cheat.

David Petraeus is not your run-of-the-mill husband with a wandering eye. He's not just another philandering politician or celebrity cheater, like so many others whose indiscretions have come to light in recent years.

He's a retired Army general who designed and led the military surge in Iraq and was top commander in Afghanistan. He had been deployed much of his career until he was named CIA director last year. His abrupt resignation amid news of his extramarital affair with a married Army Reserve officer brings a new wrinkle into an old story of why yet another powerful man risks so much for a woman.

Yes, Petraeus joins the list of wayward sons: Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Mark Sanford and Eliot Spitzer — just to name a few.

All of these men were married, so are nearly all the men I counsel after having an affair. But if you already have a relationship, why would you be looking for another one? If it's not the need for a relationship, then why do married men cheat? Here are some of the article's suggested reasons why powerful married men cheat:

Risk takers "tend to believe they control their destiny or fate," Farley says. "The risk-taking personality has a bold quality. It's at the heart of great leadership, and sometimes it overrides what many Americans would call common sense."

Risk taking? Married men cheat because they're risk takers? Well, maybe. Certainly no one will argue that cheating isn't risky. But is this really why married men cheat? I don't believe so. Although I would agree that for risk takers it's easier to cross the line and cheat.

Add in a dose of entitlement, suggests Mira Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston who has written books about infidelity.

"Power and success give people a sense of invulnerability," she says. "A lot of guys like Petraeus have worked awfully hard, and yes, they have a lot to show for it, but day-to-day mostly what they face is more hard work. Where's the big reward? An affair can seem like a long-deserved perk."

Entitlement? Now we're getting closer to one of the real reasons for an affair. Nearly all cheating married men I've counseled have been unhappy in their marriage. This unhappiness, whether about the sex life, not feeling respected respect, conflict with their wife, or a number of other factors, does contribute to them feeling entitled to finding pleasure elsewhere and thus to cheat.

Petraeus' resignation letter, which cites "very poor judgment," is particularly troubling to Dan Crum, a former CIA polygraph examiner and now consultant in Fairfax, Va.

"When he said he showed poor judgment, it minimizes the affair and characterizes it more as a one time poor decision than an extended period of decisions to maintain and continue the affair," he says. "It's almost like a 'How dare you?' response. It's part of that almost arrogance — 'Who are you to question me? I'm the one giving the orders here.' "

Crum says the fact that there was an e-mail trail "demonstrates a level of arrogance and a feeling that you're above the law."

Arrogance? Yes and no. Certainly arrogance and entitlement go hand in hand. I think arrogance explains more why men continue the affair even after the first indiscretion. Whereas entitlement can be more of the reason why do married men cheat in the first place.

New research by sociologist Andrew London, a senior fellow at the Institute for Veterans and Military Families at Syracuse University in New York, has found increased risk for extramarital sex among veterans. One study online now in the Journal of Family Issues used 1992 data from 2,308 ever-married people to find that more than 32% of veterans reported extramarital sex -- about twice the rate among ever-married non-veterans.

A follow-up that includes data from 2010 finds "elevated odds for extramarital sex were higher among both male and female veterans," he says. London, the lead author, also finds that those who served in the military four years or longer had a particularly high risk.

Cregg Chandler of Sumter, S.C., has seen it firsthand. He retired in 2007 after 29 years in the Air Force, including the last nine as a chaplain at bases in the USA as well as overseas in Korea and Spain. He says infidelity appears to have escalated in recent years. That's why he wrote A Separation Survival Guide for Military Couples, out earlier this year. He says military life often brings stress, isolation and frustration, which can lead to infidelity.

Military separations, which are recurring and often long-term, create loneliness without the family support system.

"They have a saying in the military: 'What happens TDY (temporary duty assignment) stays TDY.' I'm not saying it's an overall mentality, but they have that saying." (from Why Do The Powerful Cheat)

Opportunity? Yes, now were getting to the real answers to the question why do married men cheat. How married men cheating happens is very much like how fire starts. To start a fire you need to combine 3 ingredients: Oxygen, heat and fuel. In another words, when you put a combustible material (unhappy husband) together with oxygen (marriage not addressing the problems) and provide spark (opportunity for relationship with an appealing woman) you get fire (cheating). Unlike fire, this combination does not always result in cheating, but it does frequently.

Why do married men cheat? First, because they're unhappy, lonely, stressed...(fill in any combination of unpleasant feelings). Second, because they're in a marriage that is not meeting nor addressing those needs not being met (which is both partners' fault). Third, opportunity presents itself in the form of another woman not to feel those unpleasant feelings. Spark. Fire. Cheating. And that's why married men cheat.

Husband Midlife Crisis & Wives' Biggest Mistake

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 22:58:00 GMT

A husband midlife crisis can easily push the 'Mrs. Fix-it' button in wives. Typically the need to fix problems is more of a problem for men, but it can be hard for all of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So thus when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis it can be very hard to do nothing.

Yet one of the biggest mistakes wives make with a husband midlife crisis is pushing him to fix it. Often times wives' responses, although well intended, just drive their husbands even more deeper into a midlife crisis.

A wife of a husband having a midlife crisis asked me two weeks ago to give her some guidance on what to do for her husband. So what's a wife to do?

Here are 5 husband midlife crisis dos and don'ts:

#1 - Give Him Space. Although this will be hard for wives to hear, many times one of the contributors to a husband midlife crisis is their relationship with their wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor' not 'cause.' It's important that wives hear that difference and not be personally hurt that they could be part of the problem.

Wives have to remember that they're not going to be able to fix their husband's midlife crisis - only he can do that. The best way to help him to choose for himself to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So give him space.

#2 - Don't Label the Problem. It's okay to seek to understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men any kind of suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or depression, is a big, big turn off. If you label his problem you could very easily lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.

#3 - Don't Focus on Symptoms. The reason for this is very similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband already may feel that you either 'nag' him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the husband midlife crisis symptoms, it's very possible he will only hear you 'criticizing' him.

#4 - Comment on Harmful Changes. Rather than pointing out husband midlife crisis symptoms, suggest ways the changes are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "you seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."

#5 - Give Hints at the Possible Problem. Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband midlife crisis is because what's a whole lot more important is discovering what the underlying cause could possibly be. When you have an idea of the possible causes you can be a lot more helpful. Some causes of midlife crisis for men I've worked with recently have been not getting that promotion last year and now feeling stuck in a career that has stagnated; he really doesn't enjoy being a father (sorry, but this can be true); unhappy in the marriage; dissatisfied with how his life has turned out.

A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes for a midlife crisis. How wives respond can make a huge difference in the responses of their husbands. Although, I must say that husbands' responses are their responsibility, and even though wives can be big influencers, ultimately the response is all up to him.

There are typically psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis as well, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important. Until then, wives can best help their husband midlife crisis by not being "Mrs. Fix-it" and following the above recommendations.

3 Porn Addiction Symptoms To Watch Out For

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 13:41:00 GMT

Are there porn addiction symptoms? What do you look for if you suspect porn addiction, but don’t know for sure?

A study recently published in Newsweek, “Comparing Sex Buyers With Men Who Don’t Buy Sex,” reveals some clues to porn addiction symptoms. Here are some excerpts from the article:

The men who buy sex are your neighbors and colleagues…Men of all ages, races, religions, and backgrounds do it. Rich men do it, and poor men do it, in forms so varied and ubiquitous that they can be summoned at a moment’s notice.

And yet surprisingly little is known about the age-old practice of buying sex, long assumed to be inevitable. No one even knows what proportion of the male population does it; estimates range from 16 percent to 80 percent.

And yet buying sex is so pervasive that Farley’s team had a shockingly difficult time locating men who really don’t do it. The use of pornography, phone sex, lap dances, and other services has become so widespread that the researchers were forced to loosen their definition in order to assemble a 100-person control group.

“We had big, big trouble finding nonusers,” Farley says. “We finally had to settle on a definition of non-sex-buyers as men who have not been to a strip club more than two times in the past year, have not purchased a lap dance, have not used pornography more than one time in the last month, and have not purchased phone sex or the services of a sex worker, escort, erotic masseuse, or prostitute.”

What does that say about our societies acceptance of selling sex today – when you have to lower the research standards to find enough men who don’t buy sex? So what’s that got to do with porn addiction symptoms? A lot.

The normalization of strip clubs, sexually orientated magazines like Maxim, and sexually suggestive images at almost every turn on the Internet, should make porn addiction almost to be expected for men. Which supports why the researcher had such a hard time finding men who didn't buy sex. Having these things in your life are also potential symptoms of porn addiction.

Many experts believe the digital age has spawned an enormous increase in sexual exploitation; today anyone with access to the Internet can easily make a “date” through online postings, escort agencies, and other suppliers who cater to virtually any sexual predilection. The burgeoning demand has led to a dizzying proliferation of services so commonplace that many men don’t see erotic massages, strip clubs, or lap dances as forms of prostitution. “The more the commercial sex industry normalizes this behavior, the more of this behavior you get,” says Norma Ramos, executive director of the Coalition Against Trafficking in Women (CATW).

Here are 3 porn addiction symptoms that can be seen in this research:

1. Lack of emotional connection with their partner during sex

Farley found that sex buyers were more likely to view sex as divorced from personal relationships than nonbuyers, and they enjoyed the absence of emotional involvement with prostitutes, whom they saw as commodities. “Prostitution treats women as objects and not ... humans,” said one john interviewed for the study.

2. Requests for unusual sex acts, such as anal sex

Farley’s findings suggest that the use of prostitution and pornography may cause men to become more aggressive. Sex buyers in the study used significantly more pornography than nonbuyers, and three quarters of them said they received their sex education from pornography, compared with slightly more than half of the nonbuyers. “Over time, as a result of their prostitution and pornography use, sex buyers reported that their sexual preferences changed and they sought more sadomasochistic and anal sex,” the study reported.

3. Aggression or anger around sex

“Prostitution can get you to think that things you may have done with a prostitute you should expect in a mutual loving relationship,” said one john who was interviewed. Such beliefs inspire anger toward other women if they don’t comply, impairing men’s ability to sustain relationships with nonprostitutes. (all excerpts from The John Next Door)

These are all porn addiction symptoms that I see in my work with men who have porn addictions. Please understand that these are possible symptoms of porn addiction, but are not a guarantee of it. It's important to also keep in mind that this study focused on the selling of sex, prostitution in particular, and porn addiction does not have to mean a man uses prostitutes too.

Are there other porn addiction symptoms? Sure. Keeping computer or smart phone use secret, loss of interest in sex, seeking time alone or unaccountable are a few others. if you suspect a man you love may have a porn addiction, speak with a professional counselor who specializes in treating men addicted to porn.

Husband Wants Divorce - What Do I Do?

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 29 Sep 2012 16:21:00 GMT

Q: My husband wants divorce. We have been married for 2 years now...we got married in a hurry b/c we got pregnant but I admit we hardly knew each other. Our relationship was great, we fit so well together…until our child was born. My hormones and mental state went haywire and he somewhat abandoned me as far as helping with the responsibilities of a baby. In fact he slept most of the day and was out of the house the rest. I completely lost 100% of my sex drive entirely after the baby and he's never stopped resenting me and rubbing it in my face. Now he says the physical aspect of our marriage is over. He's tired of being rejected and no longer desires me…oh and everything is my fault. Now my husband wants a divorce. What do I do? Is my marriage essentially over? --Lindsay H.

A: I hear “husband wants divorce” from women every week. Divorce is typically threatened many times before actually acted on. So keep in mind that your husband may be using the threat of divorce more for the effect it has on you than because he’s actually planning to do it.

Obviously, there are problems in your marriage that need to change for both of you to be happy. But problems do not have to mean the marriage is over. Problems are fixable.

One fixable problem is your sex life. Even though there were some legitimate reasons for your sex life dying, the pain and hurt is still there and needs to be healed. It sounds like your husband wants divorce because he doesn't know how to do this.

Having kids is a life change that puts a lot of stress on marriages. If you each learn how to better communicate your feelings and needs to the other, and how to work together as a team, then having kids will be a whole lot easier.

Sadly, a lot of men falsely believe that divorce will excuse them from their parenting responsibilities when it does not. I wonder if your husband wants to divorce because he believes this.

Husband wants divorce doesn't have to mean your marriage is over. Suggest to your husband that you go to marriage counseling together to learn how to end the marriage and co-parent afterwards. Then while you're there you can learn how to fix the marriage too.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

What To Do When Getting A Divorce (Part 1)
What To Do When Getting Divorced (Part 2)

Porn Addiction Help - When A Wife Finds Her Husband's Porn

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 12:10:00 GMT

Part 3 of 3

Charlene had no idea that Jay needed porn addiction help. And she never would have thought that she'd be looking for porn addiction help either. Charlene beleived she knew all about Jay's sexual behavior, but like most women there was a lot she didn't know.

She could see Jay noticing other women and heard the sexual jokes with his buddies at parties. She knew he'd been to a strip club and looked at porn before they were together. But she just assumed that behavior had ended once they got married. With jobs, kids, and a household to run, sex was a luxury that just didn't seem to fit into their lives too much anymore. At least that's what Charlene believed.

When Charlene would hear about porn addiction help in the media she thought that was for men who are sex addicts, not her husband. That was until that Saturday 5 months ago. Jay was working overtime, the kids were spending the day with grandma, and Charlene decided it was a good time to do some spring cleaning. When she found some unmarked DVDs in a box in the office, she decided she should take a quick look at them before tossing them.

As she sat in front of the computer, she was horrified at what she saw. Jay had been saving porn videos on the DVDs. She was shocked and her mind raced to remember all the things about porn addiction she'd heard and ignored because that was for other wives' who's husbands look at porn. She went to Google and searched porn addiction help to find out what to do, but didn't find much help (Guy Stuff provides counseling for women too).

Jay got home and walked in as she was still searching. He could see she was upset, so he asked what she was doing. With tears in her eyes, she looked up at him and said searching for help with porn addiction. Before Jay could say anything, Charlene was screaming at him about how she couldn't believe he looks at porn. Jay angrily yelled back at her -- "You don't get it 'cause you're not a guy." Then he walked away.

They didn't talk about porn addiction again for 2 months. Charlene decided she'd just let it go. But of course it was on her mind almost all of the time. Whenever Jay was home alone she'd wonder if he was looking at porn. So she decided to see if she could catch him.

It became a cat and mouse game of hide and seek as Jay tried to keep it from Charlene and she sought to catch him again. He knew Charlene didn't like it. She'd get really upset about it when she saw he'd been looking at it again. They'd fight about it. She'd ask him to get some help. But he'd dismiss it and tell himself that she just didn't understand that all guys do it.

What's porn hurt he thought? Guys, we can easily rationalize our looking at porn and talk ourselves into a belief about it that's comfortable and not challenging, but also false. Porn hurts everyone, even you. Jay found that out one night when he was up late alone. His 8-year-old daughter came down stairs and saw what daddy was looking at (and doing).

The next day when Charlene asked him again to get some porn addiction help, he finally agreed. It was really embarrassing for Jay to admit that day that he needed help with porn addiction. But he'll tell you now that it was a lot more work keeping up the lie than it is now being the man he is today.

If you're struggling and need porn addiction help, learn something from Jay, stop the lying to others and yourself, and get the help of counselor who knows how to stop porn addiction.

(Don't miss Part 1 of Jay & Charlene's story - What Porn Addictions Look Like For The Average Guy & Part 2 - Addicted to Pornography - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted)

What Porn Addictions Look Like For The Average Guy

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 12:03:00 GMT

Part 1 of 3

Jay is just an average guy -- one of the many guys with porn addictions. But Jay didn't know it. He thought other guys were the ones who had porn addictions, not him. Porn was just a regular part of his life, but not an addiction.

Here's how routine porn addictions can be: Usually after work Jay would come home, grab a beer, and surf the Internet to relax for awhile before Charlene would get home with the kids. Often he'd end up on porn sites. Jay had some favorites that he liked, but buddies would also send him pics and clips from other porn sites too.

Jay and Charlene had different sleep routines. She went to bed early, he stayed up late. Jay liked to watch Sports Center on ESPN after Charlene went to bed, but would also channel surf and could easily find something 'entertaining'on Cinemax or Showtime.

Once in a while, the guys at work would go out for a drink after work on Fridays and typically they'd go to a strip club.

Pretty normal guy behavior he thought. Some of it Charlene knew about, some of it she didn't (Find out Do Women Like Porn).

What Jay didn't recognize was how much he came to rely on porn to relieve stress, escape, and just to be able to relax. He hadn't noticed how regular it had become.

When you have a need for or dependence on porn, that's one of the signs for porn addictions.

He didn't know that porn stimulated his brain and created more and more desire to look at women. He didn't see how the late night cable shows and occasional strip club visit fed his desire to look at porn.

When you need to have more and more stimulation, that's one of the signs for addictions to porn.

Jay also couldn't see the affects on his sex life with Charlene -- they would often go long periods without sex, while at other times he wanted sex even more than usual for him, and he pushed Charlene to have sex in ways he'd seen on porn sites.

When your sex life is affected by viewing porn, that's one of the signs for porn addictions.

Porn addictions can often look like what many people would describe as pretty normal guy behavior -- most guys just like to look at girls. But when you can see what's going on from the inside, addictions to porn becomes easier to see. If you think you may have a porn addiction, or know someone who may, don't struggle alone. Get some help from a counselor experienced in porn addiction.

(Be sure to read Part 2 of Jay & Charlene's story - Addicted to Pornography - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted and Part 3 - Porn Addiction Help - A Wife Finds her Husband's Porn)

Addicted to Pornography - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 22:40:00 GMT

Part 2 of 3

Jay never saw pornography as a problem. He certainly didn't think he was addicted to pornography. Looking at porn is pretty normal guy behavior he thought.

Once in a while he'd wonder if he could be addicted to pornography, but he'd quickly rationalize the question away. How could he be addicted to pornography? He didn't obsess over it, he didn't plan his whole day around looking at porn, he didn't have an expectation and build-up for the next time he could look at pornography. He wasn't like that.

What Jay didn't see was how routine looking at pornography had become for him. He didn't see that, just like the addictive patterns described above, he also was dependent on porn. Pornography gave him a little pleasure, sometimes for only a couple of seconds, in his otherwise stressful, demanding, non-stop life. And he needed that. (Learn Is Porn Cheating?)

Jay almost never got on the computer to go right to porn. But he usually ended up there. He did like to check his email every day though, and mainly to see if any buddies had sent him any clips. Also just like the addictive behavior he believed described someone who is pornography addicted, he'd became religious about checking his email. It never occurred to him that his irritability and constant fights with Charlene the week the computer wasn't working were because he couldn't get into his email.

Jay's awareness changed after he began men's counseling at Guy Stuff. Here's what he's shared with me since about his being addicted to porn:

"It was a distraction."
"It became an escape. I'd get lost in it."
"I'd sit down to check my email real quick and before I knew it 2 hours had gone by."
"I'd go to it out of boredom."
"It was almost instinct to click on pics."
"It became a game to find pics to fulfill a fantasy."
"It wasn't an obsession. I never thought, 'I can't wait to get home to get on the computer.' It wasn't like that for me."

As Jay and I have worked together he's confessed that "lusting after women is huge for me. It's my biggest challenge." He says, "I live a life of fantasy. What could be. Not just with porn, but in my work, my relationship with Charlene, my whole life."

Are there any parts of Jay's story you can relate to? If you're wondering if you could be addicted to pornography, and maybe even denying it like him too, talk to a professional counselor who knows porn addiction (be careful though, not a lot of counselors really know porn addiction). Get an expert's opinion. It's too easy for us to talk ourselves out of the truth. Just like Jay.

(Read Part 1 of Jay & Charlene's story - What Porn Addictions Look Like - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted and Part 3 Porn Addiction Help - A Wife Finds Her Husband's Porn)

Married Man Other Woman - How To Stop & Prevent It

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 17:33:00 GMT

Got a married man other woman problem? Or maybe you just want to prevent one. Let's see what we can learn from the latest celebrity cheating married man that could help you.

You're probably aware of the recent married man other woman situation actress Kristen Stewart, from the “Twilight” movies, and "Snow White and the Huntsman" director, Rupert Sanders, have gotten themselves into. Here's an interesting take on how married man other woman affairs are viewed from Jeffrey Scott Shapiro:

There’s a very specific reason Stewart is taking all of the heat, however, and it’s because tabloid journalism has a formula of almost always blaming 'the other woman' whenever a major male celebrity has an affair or commits an act of cheating.

The tabloids have done their own studies based on week-to-week sales, which reveal that since most tabloid gossip readers are middle aged, married women, who prefer to read stories that blame the other woman instead of the cheating married man. That’s because these same readers are addicted to stories that target their own fears—and the idea of a younger woman coming along and stealing their own husband one day is a big one. And after reading about how awful someone else’s life is, they can breathe a sigh of relief and say to themselves, “Well, at least MY marriage isn’t THAT bad!”

Could the last two lines above describe you? Could you be fearful, consciously or subconsciously, that another woman could steal your husband? Do you feel better about your marriage when you read how bad someone else's marriage is?

One of the lessons I have to teach couples in marriage counseling after an affair is how they let their relationship become vulnerable to cheating in the first place. This is a very difficult concept for people to grasp, after all almost no one intends for an affair to happen (usually even the cheating married man says this).

However, the marketing by the media of married men other woman problems shows some of our susceptibility. We are much more comfortable and able to see the faults in others' marriages than in our own. Until we're willing and able to take an honest look at our own marriage and address the ways we're vulnerable to an affair, we're setting ourselves up to have it happen to us too.

If you've got a married man other woman problem right now, you're probably feeling overwhelmed by the anger, hurt, and betrayal. And that's totally normal and okay. As those feelings begin to subside, take a real hard look at your marriage, getting the expert opinion of a marriage counselor really helps, and find the ways your marriage was not protected well enough so you can prevent it from happening again. If you haven't had a married man other woman situation arise yet, do this above to prevent it.

Above quote from: In Defense Of 'Twilight' Star Kristin Stewart

Learn How Your Marriage Rates & How To Protect It

Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and how to protect your marriage from an affair. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).

Social Network Connections with Guy Stuff Counseling

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 15:46:00 GMT

You can stay connected to Guy Stuff Counseling on your favorite social network site like Facebook, Google+, or Twitter.

Our director, Kurt Smith, is the most active on Google+. He posts daily relationship advice, help with 'guy stuff' issues ranging from anger management tips to midlife crisis to divorce help, and shares interesting and funny news stories. You can also follow our #marriagemonday, #guyfriday, #menbehavingbadly, #goodguys themed posts. Of course, you'll also get links to his newest blog posts too.

Here's the link to Kurt's Google+ page. Add him to your circles and check out his stream for yourself.

If you're on Facebook more, you can follow Guy Stuff there too. We post our blog posts here and share similar stories as on Google+, but Kurt's not quite as active here. Check out our Facebook page and give us a like.

If you're a Twitter user, Guy Stuff is there too. We post links here to many of the stories we share on Google+ and Facebook, just without the commentary, and all the new content on our blog is immediately posted on Twitter too.

See which social network works best for you and stay connected with Guy Stuff's great and free advice for men and women.

Top Reason for Internet Porn Addiction

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:42:00 GMT

What drives an Internet porn addiction?

Sexual excitement and release? Yes.
Available when partner isn’t? Yes.
Explore fantasies? Yes.

These are the most common reasons for Internet porn addiction. But there’s another reason that often is over looked -- Stress Management.

Why do men look at Internet porn so habitually? Often, it is to relieve stress. Most men feel an enormous amount of stress trying to balance their work, family, and personal lives. On top of that, a lot of us guys are really bad at stress management.

Internet porn provides a quick, easy, and enjoyable way to relieve tension. Why bother going to the gym or learning how to make lifestyle changes when the release of online porn is just a couple of clicks away on our computer or phone.

If you’re a woman and you have a man with an Internet porn addiction, try not to look at it just from a sexual point of view. Think about other reasons why he may be watching porn.

If you’re a man who struggles an Internet porn addiction, also consider other reasons you may be looking at porn. If you’re using it for stress management, think about a better alternative, one that comes with less secrecy, guilt, and shame.

Here's the key to dealing with Internet porn addiction: Understanding what's really driving our behavior, which then gives us the secrets to change it. Learn more about what's driving you in our counseling men here at Guy Stuff.

Inside Look At Pornography Addiction

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 22:39:00 GMT

Part 1 of 2

Are you a little curious about pornography addiction?

If you're a woman, you most likely are more than just a little curious. You could be searching for all the information you can get your hands on so you can try to understand why your man has a pornography addiction.

If you're a man, you're probably just a little curious how your addiction to pornography compares to how other men deal with pornography.

At Guy Stuff we work with men who are addicted to porn every day. We help men overcome porn addiction and help women learn to deal with it. Just for clarification, women can struggle with addiction to pornography too, but as you'll see below it looks a lot different for most women than it does for men (check out Do Women Like Porn?).

WHAT'S PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION LOOK LIKE? Good question. Let's start to look inside with a couple of real-life examples. All of the excerpts that follow are from the article Porn Addiction Destroys Relationships, Lives published in the San Francisco Chronicle.

A 50-year-old married physician views Internet pornography for hours at home, masturbating five to seven times a day, then begins surfing porn sites at the office and risks destroying his career.
A woman spends four to six hours a day in Internet chat rooms and having cybersex, and eventually starts arranging to meet online strangers for casual sex in the real world.
A man spends many hours a day downloading porn, filling multiple hard drives, and devotes a separate computer just to pornography.
A married couple view pornographic movies together as part of their loving relationship, but the husband starts spending more time watching and less time with his wife, who feels left behind and rejected.

You can see from these examples that pornography addiction doesn't just involve men. Also, like any addiction it can start innocently enough, such as the couple trying to improve their sex life, but it can quickly get out of control.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE A PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION? Specific numbers are hard to come by, but here are some statistics that can give some us idea.

The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity estimates that 6 to 8 percent of Americans - or 18 million to 24 million people - are sex addicts. And 70 percent of sex addicts report having a problem with online sexual behavior.
ComScore Media Metrix, a company that measures Internet usage, reports that more than 70 percent of men age 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month.
In 2008, Nielsen Online reported that one-fourth of employees use the Internet to visit porn sites during their workday. Online porn sites report that highest usage is between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.

This starts to give you a little bit of a look inside pornography addiction. Obviously, there's much more to it than this. In Part 2 of this series we'll look deeper into understanding the causes of addiction to porn.

Top 3 Causes of Addiction to Porn (Part 2 of this series)
Is Porn Cheating?
Porn Addiction Help - A Wife Finds Out Her Husband Looks at Porn
Porn Addiction

How to Stop Porn Addiction – First 2 Steps to Stop Porn

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 23:45:00 GMT

Want to know how to stop porn addiction? Step one is don't watch the Super Bowl. Sadly, the first place to begin in how to stop porn addiction is with the biggest sporting event of the year.

The number of overly sexual commercials that ran during the 2012 Super Bowl shocked me. And I must qualify myself as not being a prude, and very accustomed to getting exposed sexually suggestive images when watching sporting events on TV. This Super Bowl, however, took it to a whole other level and just made it more difficult for men who wonder how to stop porn addiction.

As a professional counselor who helps men learn how to stop porn addiction, I make this prediction -- more men are struggling to stop porn addiction because they watched the Super Bowl.

Here’s some of the highlights of what men watching were exposed to:

Toyota had a commercial with 7 bikini wearing women posing as living room furniture;
Teleflora ran an advertisement with a super model sexually rolling stockings up her leg and talking seductively to the men watching;
Fiat's ad had a beautiful woman seducing a man by dropping whipping cream on to her cleavage;
GoDaddy.com, never to be out done, had Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels dressed in leather skirt and pants writing on the body of a nude super model.

The GoDaddy.com commercial ends with the announcer telling viewers to "see a lot more now at GoDaddy.com.” Another GoDaddy.com Super Bowl commercial featured Danica again sexually dressed and telling two young men that at GoDaddy.com you can "make your business and personal Internet dreams come true." Both gave direct instruction to go online and look at sexual images – the last thing a guy needs to hear if he’s wrestling with how to stop porn addiction.

Every man who saw these ads had his brain receive visual stimuli that was pleasing. When the brain gets this, it wants more. Unfortunately, most guys were not even aware this was happening and how they were being prepped to struggle with porn addiction in the coming days (Learn more about Why Men Watch Porn).

Seeing these commercials was a recipe for failure if you were looking to stop porn addiction:

Sexual Images + Brain Reward + Verbal Instruction how to get more = Porn Addiction

What's a guy to do? Here's the first 2 steps in how to stop porn addiction:

1) Wake up and become aware of all the ways your brain is being exposed to sexually suggestive images;

2) Start to stop yourself from looking at the sexual images you can stop.

These first 2 steps may seem really basic and easy, but when you begin to realize how much sexual images you're seeing you'll discover that they're not. Below are some other articles on how to stop porn addiction that will help you learn more -- take a look.

"How Can I Get My Husband to Love Me Again?"

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 28 Jul 2012 18:25:00 GMT

Q: How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went and he stayed. He was going to leave in February then it was eventually now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family Easter dinner with him but still insists he is done. I am not sure that he is and that is why he hasn't left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn't talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn't left or filed for divorce. I think he is having a midlife crisis and doesn't know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again? -- Alissa

A: “How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot. First, we need to remember that we cannot ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to keep in mind is “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

The way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not by forcing him. What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone.

Here are some ideas on how to answer the question, 'how can I get my husband to love me again?':

Give Him Space. A big mistake is to fear that letting him go means losing him, when actually you can lose somebody by holding on to them too tightly.
Go to Counseling. Getting a professional's opinion on yourself and your relationship can be eye opening and invaluable. Don't worry that he won't go with you and go without him (marriage counseling can still work with only one person).
Change Yourself. This could mean changing a behavior he dislikes, such as nagging or too often reminding him of the things he does wrong; it could possibly be something about your appearance; don't be desperate to keep him (desperation is a big turnoff).

I'm sure your husband has a lot of things he needs to change about himself too. But it's a big mistake to focus there at first because he's probably not willing to hear that from you. Nevertheless, it is possible to get your husband to love you again. By changing ourselves our partners can become attracted to us and begin to love us again.

How can I get my husband to love me again? Change yourself.

-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Top 3 Causes of Addiction to Porn

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 00:04:00 GMT

Part 2 of 2

For men, three things drive addiction to porn more than anything else:

Visual Stimulation
Need to Relax, Feel Pleasure, and Escape
Addictive Aspects of Pornography

In the first article on this topic, Inside Look at Pornography Addiction, we answered the question what's addiction to porn look like and how many people struggle with it. Now let's see what we can learn about the causes for addiction to porn.

The following bulleted excerpts are from the article Porn Addiction Destroys Relationships, Lives from the San Francisco Chronicle.

#1 -- Visual Stimulation

Probably not much of a surprise here for anyone who knows much about us men.

"For 90 percent of men, images are a big source of stimulation," he says, whereas women - an estimated 25 to 30 percent of online porn users - tend to prefer interactive chat rooms.

The way men's brains are wired sets us up for porn addiction being a huge problem for us.

#2 -- Need to Relax, Feel Pleasure, and Escape

Most of us men aren't very good at relaxing. Many of us struggle with turning off our brains. We often don't use good stress management techniques. Not any different from women, we can struggle with negative thoughts about ourselves and low self-esteem.

We want a quick and easy solution to these problems. Isn't there a pill I can take for this? Sure, look at a little porn.

If people want to escape feelings of low self-esteem, shame, isolation or the pressures of life, work or relationships, pornography is a place to get lost and feel wanted, imagining the perfect partners who always desires them - and whom they can always satisfy.
"Like with any addiction, it's a predictable way to soothe," says San Francisco psychotherapist Gregory Rowe. "I've talked to soldiers back from Iraq who say the Internet centers there are jammed with soldiers masturbating to porn. It's a way to manage their anxiety.

#3 -- Addictive Aspects of Porn

There are some unique aspects about pornography that make it easily addictive. It's so readily available online; sex is a wired in desire for all men and not one very easily done without; Internet porn sites are designed to get us to want more and more, which feeds a key ingredient of addictions.

San Francisco marriage and family therapist Julian Redwood, who specializes in treating patients with pornography addiction, says the biggest problem is that there is a physiologically addictive nature to porn and all sexually addictive behavior. People build up a tolerance and need more and more stimulation to achieve the same high. "So someone might start by looking at images of a normal heterosexual couple having sex and then move on to watching bestiality or sex with children. People push their edge."
"Online porn is so much about the hunt," Redwood adds, which is part of why people spend so many hours at it, at the expense of their jobs, family, social life and sleep. They keep searching for the image or video that is going to turn them on. It's similar to the drug addict going out to score the drug, or someone into prostitutes cruising the red-light district. "But there are lots of people who would never go to a prostitute who engage in Internet porn."

The biggest question for each of us men to answer is what are we going to do about our susceptibility to addiction to porn. If you don't have a plan to protect yourself from porn addiction, seriously consider meeting with an expert to get one. (Read Part 1 of this series - Inside Look at Pornography Addiction)

Inside Look at Pornography Addiction (Part 1 of this series)
What Porn Addictions Look Like For The Average Guy
What To Do When Husband Looks At Porn
Porn Addiction

What Do Women Think About Porn?

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 16:07:00 GMT

Part 3 of 3 on Porn for Women

What do women think about porn? What's your guess? Before you read any further, what do you think women think about porn?

In the last 2 posts we've answered the questions: Do Women Like Porn and Do Women Watch Porn? Now let's hear from some real women and find out what do women think about porn.

Below are excerpts from the comments section of just one of our posts on porn; the majority of which are aimed at examining men and porn. In response to the post Why Men Watch Porn, here is what a few women think about porn:

"Porn makes me feel like I dont look good enough for him and that I dont please him so he has to go to that. I dont like it.. I seriously work my butt off to stay in shape and being in the mood for him even when I am tired."
"It makes me feel horrible and I am a woman with a strong sex drive and I do many things that give him pleasure that many women wouldn't do. I feel as though I can't trust him although he says that he has never cheated on me."
"I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship that he looks at porn . . . he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will some one make sense of this for me. If Im bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy him self and only use me when he cant be alone to use porn, why should i stay?"
"By its very nature porn is exploitive. I was told by my husband that if I had done to him the things he has done to me and our marriage with porn our marriage would be over. Its the he can, but I can't thing."

What are you noticing about how these women feel about porn?

"Last night while using his phone to look something up I found that he's been visiting several sites. It really hurt me that he shut me out of his fantasy. Especially since I ask him often about his wildest desires. I take pride in being a great girlfriend/wife. I'll pretty well do anything he asks. Hell I've lost 40 lbs in 2 months and started being more seductive. Why couldn't he just be honest with me? Why hide it? Why lie about it?"
"My boyfriend . . . still refuses to stop buying it even though he clearly knows how much it upsets me. It is, for me anyway, a situation of being with a man who shows little to no respect for women, not even the one he claims to love and I believe it is the same for many others who have that problem with their partners."
"Men looking at pornography in secrecy is disrespectful to their partner. . . I feel betrayed, because all my efforts to achieve something significant for our life is not reciprocated. I feel alone in my relationship."
"My boyfriend looks at porn every night when he's at work. I'm trying to get use to the fact that he watches it but I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough, I'm not sexy enough, my breast aren't big enough."
"I have not mentioned that I know he still abuses porn. I don't know what to do. I love my husband so much but I really can't deal with the reallity that I am not enough. That he doesn't love me enough to stop. I'm hurt, I'm pissed and I'm confused."
"I was soo hurt that I want to walk away. I told him how i felt and he accused me of being insecure and ignorant. He don't see what he is doing as hurtful. I don't know what to do because i feel that I am not what he truly wants."

See any themes here? So how do women feel about porn? These women feel it's selfish and dishonest; porn makes them feel not good enough, not important enough; they betrayed, hurt, angry.

Read the first 2 posts in this series and you'll know this isn't what all women think about porn. But these comments by far represent how the majority of women I work with and hear from think and feel about porn.

Read more comments about porn from women here: Why Men Watch Porn, What Average Guy Porn Addictions Look Like, A Guy Confesses He's Addicted to Pornography.

What do you think about porn? Please leave a thought below.

Addicted to Porn - Why Men Deny It

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 15:26:00 GMT

"Addicted to porn? No way!" Jason told his wife. Even though porn has been a regular part of his life for as long as he can remember, Jason never considered himself addicted to porn. He just never saw it as a problem.

How could porn be a problem when every guy he knows looks at porn? Now that he’s married, it’s become a big, big problem. And he now sees that he’s addicted to porn.

Jason was in the Army for 8 years, much of it overseas, and has been out for a little more than 2 years. He says in the Army everyone looks at porn. A lot of wives and girlfriends would even email homemade porn of themselves to their soldiers.

Porn isn’t so normal though for Sheri, Jason’s wife of 16 months. She says it makes her really, really upset. It makes her feel insecure too. She even has nightmares about Jason being with other women because of the porn. Ironically, Sheri’s a former model. (Learn What Women Think About Porn)

Despite having a very attractive wife, Jason continued to view porn. Being addicted to porn has caused a huge trust problem between he and Sheri. He’s told her repeatedly that he would stop looking and hasn’t. As a result, she’s suspicious and distrusting of almost everything he tells her.

The stress and strain from the conflict in his marriage finally got to be too much for Jason and it brought him to Guy Stuff to find some solutions. He didn't want to watch porn anymore, and he became open to the idea that he could be addicted to porn. He wanted to learn more about using a safety plan he’d read about on our website. And he wanted to rebuild trust with Sheri.

Jason’s made huge progress in stopping his porn addiction. With Guy Stuff’s help he hasn’t viewed porn in months. He has a safety plan in place that Sheri’s a partner in. With his taking these steps she’s starting to trust him a little more each day.

"My Husband Has No Interest In Sex With Me" - Here's What To Do

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 21:45:00 GMT

Q: My husband has no interest in sex with me. I've been married to this good guy for 26 years. Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children. He's always had a low libido. For the past 5 or more years he's had E.D. on top of it. He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex with me! I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage. I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling. I've done the research...he won't make the appointment. We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem. I feel like he knows I'm trapped. He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life. It makes me angry. Help. What do you suggest? --Renee B.

A: Feeling trapped is a common feeling for a lot of spouses -- not just wives, but men too. And it's easy to feel angry when we feel trapped.

I can't say at this point exactly why your husband has no interest in sex or won't go to marriage counseling. But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.

However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his having no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about it. A lot of men use not going to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship. And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands. I hear you surrendering power in the statement "he won't make the appointment."

I'm glad to hear that you're working with a counselor. You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.

Here's what I suggest you do:

Tell him you're going to marriage counseling, with or without him, but you'd like him to come with you.
Give him the option to have input on choosing the counselor and meeting time. Give him 24 hours to give you his feedback.
If he gives you none, then go ahead and choose the counselor and make the appointment.
Let him know what day and time the meeting is scheduled for and the location. Tell him he can meet you there.
Don't say anything else about it and go to the meeting.

I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story. Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went. There are ways to discover why your husband has no interest in sex, so stop feeling trapped and learn how to change your sexless marriage.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Husband Not Interested

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Do Women Watch Porn? If so, why??

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 14 Jul 2012 15:42:00 GMT

Part 2 of 3 on Porn for Women

Ok, all the men are dying to know, do women watch porn? Yes, some women do watch porn. However, from my experience the majority of women do not, and they have no interest in doing so. Sorry guys.

To better understand women and porn, be sure to read the last post, Do Women Like Porn?

Why do women watch porn? Here are a few of the reasons why some women watch porn:

Accommodate the desires of the man in their life. Many women mistakenly put their own feelings aside and accept watching porn to try to make their men happy.
Understand why men watch porn. A lot of women really want to understand their man more, why he does what he does, so they’ll watch porn to try to find out.
Peer pressure. Our culture has made watching porn normal and removed nearly all of the negative views that once surrounded it.
Some women watch porn for the same reason men do, visual stimulation, sexual arousal and release. These women are a small minority though.
Lack of knowledge about how porn negatively affects all of us, men and women. Porn distorts our thinking about sex, but most people don't know this or realize how damaging this is to them.
Unhealthy understanding of sex. Many women have had negative sexual experiences that have altered their view of sex. Some of them are aware of this, but many are not. An unhealthy view and understanding of sex contributes to a desire to watch porn -- for women and men.

So back to the question, “do women watch porn?” Yes, some do, but the reasons why they do are varied, and just because they do doesn’t make watching porn right or good for them. Remember, a lot of people unknowingly do stupid things that aren't good for them.

In the next and last post on women and porn we’ll hear what women think about porn in their own words.

Do Women Like Porn? (Part 1)
What Do Women Think About Porn? (Part 3)
Why Men Deny Being Addicted to Porn
Learn More About Porn Addiction

Do Women Like Porn? – The Arrival of 'Mommy Porn'

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 15:56:00 GMT

Part 1 of 3 on Porn for Women

Ever wonder do women like porn? It may surprise many of you, but the answer often is yes (although this isn't true for all women). However, typically women like porn in a different format than men. (Learn more about Porn Addiction for men)

An easy way to see the difference in how women like porn compared to men is that for years women have been attracted to the less visual, more emotional sexual appeal of online chat rooms rather than porn sites.

Do women like porn? Yes, but rather than watch it, like men, most women want to experience the romance and emotional connection, not just the sex.

The latest form of porn for women, or what is being called 'mommy porn,' comes in the form of the book trilogy, 50 Shades of Grey. Amazingly, these books have been on the New York Times Best Seller list for 17 weeks and counting.

Here are some excerpts from an ABC News article (Why 'Mommy Porn' is Hot) that helps explain why many women like 'mommy porn':

"I loved the book -- all three," said Rachel, who has been married to her husband since she was 19 and has a healthy sex life. "But this is pretty hard-core porn."

"The first book is very, very graphic and harsh with a lot of S & M – and quite frankly, did not do it for me," she said. "I would never try anything with pain."

Interesting, she didn't like the first book because it was too pornographic, but nevertheless bought and read all three. Hmm...

But, she got hooked on the romance that develops in the second book, when Steele tries to change Grey. "What I loved was that it was a great love story."

The heart of the romance is the notion of submission and the way in which Steele accommodates Grey to "make him love her," according to Rachel.

"She sees being submissive as a necessity to save him," she said. "He was broken. That was more of the appeal. And the sex was a bonus."

Do women like porn or romance? For this woman the romance was the appeal and the sex was just extra. Nearly all guys are just the opposite would prefer to skip the romance and just have the sex. Must be that men are from Mars; women are from Venus thing again.

Its success raises the question how sexual submission, especially when pain is involved, could be such a turn-on for many young well-educated suburban women who are empowered economically and enlightened sexually.

"Our customers are very smart and they say it's badly written, but they are in the middle of book three," laughed Margot Sage EL, co-owner of the Watchung Booksellers in Montclair, N.J., which carries the trilogy.

"One woman couldn't believe her friend was so gushing about it," she said. "She was horrified by the domination."

"But when you're a young mom and everyone depends on you for everything -- your husband your mother -- the idea of having someone take care of you and telling you what to do, even in twisted sense, it rocks their boat."

The undisputable popularity of 'mommy porn' clearly answers the question do women like porn? Yes, many do, but that's not true for all women. We must also keep in mind that what makes 50 Shades of Grey so appealing to women is many other things than the porn.

So now we know the answer to the question do women like porn, but I said at the beginning of this article that most women prefer not to watch porn, though some do. So in the next post we'll look at some of the reasons why women watch porn.

Do Women Watch Porn? (Part 2)
What Do Women Think About Porn? (Part 3)
Why Men Watch Porn
Is Porn Cheating?
Porn Addiction

Counseling Men Blog Advice for men – and the women who love them!

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