This dynamic closely mirrors a classic trauma response seen in survivors of childhood abuse. In dysfunctional family systems, a child often experiences greater, more conscious anger toward the non-abusive, passive parent than the overtly abusive one. Why? Because of betrayal trauma theory. The child expects malice from the abuser—it is integrated into their survival baseline. But the non-abusive parent represents a shattered expectation of safety. You expected them to have a conscience. You expected them to protect you. When they remain silent or, worse, active enablers, the psychological contract of shared humanity is broken.
 
With flying monkeys, the anger is amplified because they validate the abuser's reality, inducing severe relational gaslighting. The primary narcissist is often viewed as a force of nature—pathological, rigid, and devoid of empathy. Emotionally, we expect a shark to bite. But the flying monkeys are presumably capable of empathy, yet they choose willful blindness or active collusion to protect their own social standing.
 
To process this rage, you must understand that flying monkeys are operating under a system of defensive identification and fear. They see the narcissist’s wrath and subconsciously realize that the only way to avoid becoming the target is to become an instrument of the narcissist. Recognizing this doesn't excuse their cowardice, but it shifts your perspective. Your rage is a healthy protest against their moral failure. By understanding that their loyalty is born of fear and psychological enmeshment, you can begin to withdraw your expectations of them, stepping out of their distorted theater entirely.
 
I wonder if any of this resonated with you. If you would like to explore this more, get in contact with me. I would love to discuss how we can work together.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in New Jersey and the United Kingdom

This pseudo-neutrality is what triggers the survivor’s deepest fury. In therapy, we recognize this as the agony of being systemically scapegoated. It is the same visceral pain felt by a survivor of domestic abuse whose extended family tells them to "keep the peace" for the sake of the family unit. The bystander’s neutrality is, in fact, an act of alignment with the oppressor.
 
Handling this requires a strict policy of radical non-engagement. When dealing with a proxy, any attempt to defend your character or explain your side of the story is weaponized. Because they are emotionally invested in the narcissist's narrative to protect their own psychological comfort, your defense will be framed as "proof" of your hostility. You cannot cure someone else's cognitive dissonance. Your path to freedom relies on an internal boundary: recognizing that their distorted view of you is a reflection of their psychological captivity, not your character.
 
As a psychotherapist and parent, I am passionate about this subject. If it has been causing you difficulties, I would love to see how we can work together. Get in contact so we can arrange a time to explore this in more detail.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in New Jersey and the United Kingdom