If you feel chained to a pattern of conflict you’d like to break out of, this video will give you tips on how to do just that.  You will also see what can and cannot be negotiated.

How can you deal with this more effectively?  This video will help.

The video here will show you the link between the two.

Check out the video below, and you will be a step closer to well disciplined kids who will make better decisions.

Don’t you hate to approach your spouse/partner with questions that can elicit the answer “NO!”?   For example: “Honey, is it OK if I …(fill in the blank)?”  Or, “Can I …(fill in the blank)?”   Some of you guys out there, more than once, have implored your partner/spouse:  “Can I go bowling tonight?”  And then there’s the all-time favorite guy question—“Sweetie, I can go to the (name of favorite sports bar) and watch the football game tonight, right?”

This isn’t reserved for men only.  A wife/partner may ask:  “Dear, is it OK if I go shopping?”  Or, “Can I go with the girls to Vegas this weekend?”   “It’s OK if I go to the movies tonight and leave the kids with you, right?” Permission-seeking opportunities among couples are endless.  But are they necessary, and is it healthy to seek permission?

Well, consider this:  A marriage/partnership is our only opportunity for a non-hierarchical, balanced relationship.  How and why is a CounselorLetter for a later date.  For now,  think of  a non-hierarchical relationship this way:  it is  a collaboration between equals.

Equals who collaborate are reasonably well differentiated.  Well differentiated couples approach each other as adults, and respect each others  separate desires, requests, thoughts, feelings and needs.   As collaborators,  decisions and plans are made together.  Generally speaking, collaborative adults live by consideration. They tend to avoid permission-seeking, and instead offer and seek consideration.

PERMISSION SEEKING

The questions in the first two paragraphs (above) are permission-seeking questions.  Many women have expressed that permission-seeking questions trigger maternal feelings toward their husbands.  Men,  that  has serious implications:  It is very difficult for the woman in our lives to feel simultaneously spousal and parental toward us without a cost to the relationship.

One woman, to her husband, said it best:  “If you want me to treat you like a man, and you want me to respond like a woman & wife, stop asking me for permission like a child.  I’m not your mother!”

It’s very much the same for women who seek permission from their spouses/partners.  In both cases, permission seeking sets up and reinforces a relationship hierarchy. The short version is described as follows: The marital relationship is more PARENT to CHILD, (hierarchal) than it is ADULT to ADULT (collaborative)  While some relationships may seem to thrive within this type of hierarchy, many, if not most, do not.  Sooner or later, the one who tends to be the permission-seeker, i.e. CHILD, will experience resentment, and distance.  The PARENTAL spouse often feels frustration, irritation and distance.  Couples who experience this hierarchy are frequently in conflict about a lot of “little things,” and don’t know why.

CONSIDERATION

Rather than seeking permission, employ consideration.  Now those questions above become statements:  (PERMISSION-SEEKING)“Honey, is it OK if I …(fill in the blank)?” morphs in to:  (CONSIDERATION) “Honey, I want/would like/have begun planning (fill in the blank) and, want to know how that works for you.  Any thoughts or feelings about that?”

Example #2,  (PERMIMSSION-SEEKING) “It’s OK if I go to the movies tonight and leave the kids with you, right?” (CONSIDERATION) “ I really want to go to the movies with (friend’s name) and I know it’s last minute, and I also realize that means you would have to watch the kids.  I really need a break.  How would you feel about that?

The previous are examples of consideration; they are ADULT to ADULT (collaborative) vs PARENT to CHILD (hierarchal) interactions.  They consider how, and/or what, your partner feels and thinks about what it is you want, as well as day-to-day logistics. Equally important it gives you a voice as well, i.e., you are free to say what you want without fear.  Couples who tend to approach each other ADULT to ADULT (collaboratively) generally find they are able to hear objections or conflicts generated by their stated desire.  Furthermore, they area able to negotiate effectively.

The converse is more likely in the hierarchical or PARENT to CHILD interaction—there’s no room to negotiate.  It’s a binary “yes’ or “no,” often followed by a fight, or go-along-to-get-along silence, which we know from the research produces warmth equal to, or less than, that of  the granite counter-top  in your kitchen.

Give consideration a try the next time you catch yourself about to seek permission, and see for yourself.   Here’s a cool twist:  While it’s true that differentiated couples tend to operate from a position of consideration, a couple can become more differentiated by taking the risk to use consideration in place of permission seeking.  It may seem like a small issue, but it can have big rewards.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D. MFT

© Jim Hutt, Ph.D. 2008

In the physician’s office you’re not likely to query your doctor about his/her ailments.  If you did, your own problem might not be adequately addressed.

When you go to a physician,  you go to explain what it is YOU are experiencing–where YOU hurt–what YOUR problem is.  You do that by talking about yourself.  This is common sense, and we all do it automatically, without question.  Why?  BECAUSE IT WORKS–your problem/experience is understood,  appropriately attended to, and ultimately resolved.  That is a metaphor for couples in conflict.

Consider approaching your partner/spouse the same way you approach the doctor.  Imagine talking about yourself,  instead of discussing the faults of your spouse/partner.

What happens when you talk about yourself?   YOU SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE YOUR ODDS OF BEING UNDERSTOOD, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY REDUCING THE INTENSITY, LENGTH AND INEFFECTIVE old patterns you’ve probably been repeating possible for years. In short you break an old pattern.

But you’ve also done something else: You’ve taken charge and control of yourself instead of trying to control/change your partner/spouse.  When you make a conscious decision to break an old, ineffective pattern, and instead take control of yourself, you are doing something very POWERFUL.  You have maximized your odds of being understood.   Conversely, repeated attempts to control your partner’s/spouse’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings is OVERPOWERING.  And guess what–it does not work!

If you want to have a positively effective impact on your relationship, do what’s powerful:  TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.  If you want to break old, ineffective, frustrating or destructive patterns, TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. That is, if you really want to be understood.

So, how do you actually so this?  Well, start with the following exercise: The next time your partner says or does something that rubs you the wrong way, don’t ask the usual question we all know how to ask, such as, “Why did you say/do THAT?!!”

Instead, break that old pattern– talk about yourself by saying something like: “Gee, that was hard to hear– I felt a little bruised when I heard that.”  Leave it at that for the moment.  That will pave the way for your partner/spouse to ask you as question such as: “Really?  What did you hear?” Now, as you answer that question, you have an opportunity to talk more about yourself, which has increased your odds of being understood.  The old, ineffective pattern has been interrupted.

This is easier said than done because it’s hard to break old patterns–they seem to be automatic.  If it did not work as you had hoped, try again.  It takes practice and repetition, repetition, repetition. Remember, progress, not perfection.

Wishing you a more satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

YELLING AT CHILDREN

This is a topic that has meaning for everyone.  All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once.  No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings.  However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling know what I’m talking about.

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

First, it teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations.  By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.

Second, yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel.  In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior.  If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake.

Third, regularly yelling at a child before the age of 3 or 4, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling.  In other words, a child will not learn  useful, effective expression when yelling is their model.  The short version is, ‘if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.’  They are too young to know better.

Back to the fear induced by a yelling parent.  Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid.  Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid.  Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents.  Sometimes they grow up to be yellers.  No surprise.

HELPLESSNESS

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless.  It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment.  Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it.  The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

First, make a conscious, verbal decision to stop.

Second,  make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses.  Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s.  From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!).  All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox.  But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part.  Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.

Third, if reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.

Fourth,  try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop:  There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.

By the way, in 29 years of practice, I’ve never met a parent who remarked:  “Boy, do I regret not yelling a my kid, what a mistake that was.”

YELLING AT YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear, just as it does in a child.  Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear.  If you want your partner to think about what you say,  the odds for that increase  when you speak in a way that does not produce fear.  When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear.  It (the brain)  immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat.  The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode).  Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.”  In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair.  Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at.  That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out.  Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle  is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process.  The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal.  In flight mode, two common options arise:  One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother.  Either way you have no voice.  In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se.  In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective.  More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management.  All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity.  Why might professional counseling helpful at this point?  Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history.  A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

AN ALTERNATIVE TO YELLING

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort.  If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

1.  Before you begin your discussion,  each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working.  It might sound like this:  “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively.  I am going to try some new behaviors.”

2.  Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion.  If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated.  You might say, for example,  “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.”  THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR.  If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner.  What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion.  No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.

3.  Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself.  How you aspire to be is all you have control over.

4.  In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion.  If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.

5.  When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume.  This reduces the chances of  avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.

6.  After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went.  Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner.  Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner.  Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern.  It’s not easy.  The fact that you made an attempt builds trust and self confidence.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

© Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

In “Sorry,” Part 1,  I mentioned that apology is rare in some  marriages.  Why is that?  After all, during courtship couples create a bond they dearly desire and strive to protect.  I have heard many couples mention that apology occurred more frequently during courtship than during the entire span of the marriage.  Here are some thoughts about infrequent/absent apology.

PREVIOUS WOUNDS

In some cases the offending partner already feels wounded (traumatized), either by significant others earlier in life, by their current partner, or both.  If we have been fed a steady diet of repair, we learn to repair, and experience its positive impact.  If we grew up with little or no apology—i.e., repair—there is a good chance we will offer little in significant relationships later in adulthood.  Apology/repair leaves the heart open;  absence of repair shelters the heart in a protective callous.  The result is a short supply of empathy accompanied by an absence of apology when one is called for.

EMAPTHY

Empathy and compassion are part of apology.  Also, they are essential to our emotional lives.  Empathy and compassion toward others rely on your ability to identify, label and express your own feelings.  Equipped to do that you are more likely to have a sense of what your partner may be feeling, and therefore, more apt to provide apology/repair.  Why?   Because you can recognize the emotional signs that your partner may be feeling hurt, you have experienced repair in past experiences of your own hurt, and you pass it on, so to speak.

The long and short of it is this:  If you got empathy and apology/repair, you’re more likely to give empathy and apology/repair.

DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness often replaces empathy and apology/repair when  feeling blamed or attacked.  In addition, some people assume blame by virtue of the fact that their partner is in pain, and automatically feel defensive.  Point is, a defensive posture precludes an overture of repair.

When apology would be just the right medicine in a particular moment, but is not forthcoming, the wounded one often feels more hurt, and angry.  When those emotions are expressed, the situation can become more emotionally intense or escalated, and each partner is apt to crawl away licking their own respective wounds.  The result is distance and disappointment, and a lingering sense of not being understood and loved.  Smoldering hurt can lead to seething impasses, and the repetition of a frequently repeated painful pattern.

“I’m sorry. It was my fault.  How can I make it right?”  If all three parts seem too much to provide at once, start with the first one.  It will go a lot farther toward repair than you think.

Wishing you a satisfy relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

This issue of CounselorLetter will focus on apology.

Apparently Elton John was so accurate when he said, in one of his songs, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The complaint that apologies are offered too infrequently and insincerely is near the top of the list couples mention in my office.  The desire for, and the power of apology is matched by little else.  And yet, apology seems to be a rare staple in many couples’ marital pantry.  Why that is will be discussed in a future issue of CounselorLettter.

Apology is a phenomena that is equally powerful when given, or when withheld.  When we think we deserve one and receive it, its quasi-magical effect can alter a relationship.  When omitted, the precipitating emotional injury may seem interminable or unforgivable.  Indeed, to quench your partner’s thirst for an apology is to feed the intimacy of a relationship.

What makes apology so powerful?  First, it is a sign of emotional responsibility:  Basically, it’s saying “It was my fault.,”  or, “I take responsibility/ownership for my actions.”

Second, apology typically originates from an empathic position, one with some degree of self-reflection.  It shows you can imagine the pain your partner feels, realize your role in precipitating it, and apologize for that role.  The apology says “I care about you;”  “you matter to me,”  “this relationship matters to me.”

Third, an apology reinforces emotional relationship safety.  Apology equals repair–a fundamental ingredient in a moment (or later, if appropriate) of injury no matter how slight.  When repair is made on a regular basis, it helps maintain a solid foundation of trust, a necessary element for the continued growth of a relationship.  Apology creates emotional safety.

INTENTIONALITY

When is an apology offered?

First, when emotional injury occurs unintentionally.  The idea that you did not intend to say or do something hurtful, bad, wrong, unkind, insensitive etc., does not relieve you of responsibility.  Couples frequently tell me that sometimes more damage is done due to the absence of  apology than by the act that warranted an apology in the first place.

Second, when we intentionally do something to get under our partner’s skin.  Few of us can say we’ve never done that.  Whether intentional or unintentional motives are associated with our less than stellar behavior, an apology can bring quick repair to a  relationship in an single moment, when given genuinely.

GENUINE APOLOGY

A genuine apology NEVER has the word “but” in it.  “Honey I’m really sorry I called that terrible, crass, nasty, gross name, BUT, if you hadn’t given me ‘the look’ while we were arguing, I wouldn’t have said it.”  Ladies and gentlemen, that is NOT an apology.  That says ‘I treated you like dirt, you deserved it, it’s your fault, so don’t blame me—you asked for it.’ Uh Huh.

Here’s a tip:  Take the word ‘but’ out of the mix, and leave it out, or, replace it with the word ‘and.’   Now the apology looks like this: “Honey I’m really sorry I called you that terrible, crass, nasty, gross name,  AND you didn’t deserve that, AND I’d like to know how I can make it make it up to you.  Please forgive me.”

Which of those would you rather hear?  Remember:  apology usually has three elements:  I’m sorry.  It was my fault.  How do I make it right?

Look for “Sorry, Part 2,” coming soon.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

DIFFERENTIATION & PERSONAL INQUIRY

Differentiation is a clinical term, and when therapists talk or write about it, it often leads to confusion.  I’m going to try anyway, because I think the concept  is a good one, and can be helpful  for couples who are trying to make their relationship more satisfying.  It is a concept/theory that has a practical application.

I like the term because it has the word ‘different’ in it.  And that’s what you and your partner are: different—not the same—two separate, distinct people with your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  That is part of what differentiation means—you are different.

Differentiation also means:  You see the world through your eyes, and your partner sees it through theirs.  When observing the same thing, such as an abstract painting, or experiencing the same event, such as a movie, neither of you are likely to see, or experience, them the same way.

This probably all seems so obvious—you see and experience stuff your way, the other their way.  Here’s the rub:  will you do the same when under stress with each other?  In other words, will you see, and take responsibility for, your role in the issue, take responsibility for your  part in the conflict?  Can you, will you, take your inventory, and make it safe for your partner to take their own inventory?  When you do, you are living a differentiated moment, and your partner will respect your efforts.

That means letting go of winning and being right.  It means taking the time, effort and energy to understand your partner’s thoughts, feelings and behavior, i.e., their experience, instead of forcing him/her to accept your experience as the truth or reality.

But wait—there’s more.  Differentiation also means you are able to resist the contagion of your partner’s mood,  and their emotional intensity.  When he/she is irritated about something, are you willing to resist taking on a similar mood or emotional state?  When she/he is angry at you, are you able to maintain your emotional equilibrium?  Rather than defend against your partner’s complaint, ASK WHAT IT’S ABOUT!  Try to hear what he/she has to say.

When you and your partner talk about difficult issues, are you each willing to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors associated with the conflict instead of blaming the other one?  Bottom line is this:  A well differentiated couple works hard at staying on their own respective side of the street, minding their own thoughts, feelings and behavior.

If you find yourself blaming or accusing your partner,  you’ve crossed the double-yellow line and you’re risking a head-on collision.  Playing chicken usually leads to damage that’s not easy to repair.

Get back on your own side of the street, and do this:  ask yourself what got triggered in you, rather than jumping all over your partner about what you heard or saw.  Easier said that done, but worth the effort.  Why?  Because it paves a clearer path to self-understanding, and it may also limit the duration and intensity of the conflict.  Wouldn’t THAT be nice!

No doubt,  much more could be said about differentiation, but this is all you need to know for now.  Keep it simple—mind yourself, not the other.  Feel your feelings, mind your own thoughts and behavior, and let your partner do the same.

Here are some exercises you can each try–these help with continued   differentiation progress.  Ask yourself the following questions, and/or discuss them with your partner/spouse.  It ‘s a personal self-inquiry.

SELF-INQUIRY

1.  Am I willing to take a risk by examining my role in the way things go in my relationship, especially when in conflict?

2.  Am I at least as concerned about, and willing to examine, how I have let my partner down as I am about how she/he has let me down?

3.  At the end of the day, am I willing to share with him/her how I have or have not been the partner I aspire to be?  It’s easy to put the microscope on your partner.  Now, put it on yourself and share what you see.  Lose sight of your partner’s stuff for a moment, and gain some vision of yourself.

4.   Am I as committed to changing something about myself as I am demanding of my partner to change?

5.   What do you each believe the role conflict plays in a marriage?

The differentiated experience of conflict allows conflict to lead to greater intimacy, shared warmth, and a solid foundation of trust.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

© Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2003