One way to undercut a relationship is by not managing conflict effectively.

And that will usually occur one of two ways:

Either you are afraid of conflict, and avoid it, or your methods of managing conflict render you more like a bull in a china shop than like a loving partner. Both methods may be due to FEAR of conflict.

But here is how you change that: Redefine fear of conflict as fear of fighting. In other words, conflict and fighting are two separate entities.

Here is exactly how to do that.

First, define conflict as a difference, and view the difference as a neutral entity.

Second, think about what exactly it is you fear–it probably has to do with fighting, and all the bad behavior that historically has been part of how conflict may have been managed in your family of origin, which you now, at times, manifest in your relationship with your partner.

Next, define the problem as fear of fighting. Now you have the opportunity to manage conflict with out fighting.

This is the first step in the process of working your way out of being afraid of conflict.

Let’s take a look at a real life example of this in action:

Your partner calls you a name, or says something that you interpret as a put down. In the past perhaps you “didn’t want to make a fuss,” because he/she might get really angry and loud. In order to avoid “angry and loud,” you said nothing.

Now, however, you’re unwilling to continue to avoid, so you say the following: “Ouch, that comment you just made did not feel very good, and here’s why: I experience it as diminishing. Please tell me again what is is you really want me hear that let’s me truly understand what is bothering you.”

Doing that may feel risky, but the rewards are generally with that risk.

My next video will show the next step to take in becoming more comfortable with conflict, and how to manage it more effectively.

Wishing you a less conflict avoiding relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Because we are social animals, and because it feels so good, we all want to get connected, be connected, and stay connected.

But, we often forget, one of the primary reasons for being connected has to do with survival: Without connection, we simply do not survive.

Problem is, it doesn’t seem to be that easy to stay connected.

Why? Glad you asked.

Simple: Survival doesn’t necessarily call for us to feel good about one another in spite of being connected.

It’s only when we add closeness, love, desire, etc., to the mix that things get dicey.

So, let us assume that we are evolved beyond the Alley Oop stage of human development, and that we wish to remain connected to our partner for reasons beyond those of primary survival.

How, on earth do we do that?!

First, you scratch your partner where he/she itches.

In other words, learn from your partner just exactly what it is that he/she wants from you that shows you care. And if you can’t figure it out, ASK DIRECTLY!

Once you know where he/she itches, scratch on that spot! If it seems too hard, or you are not comfortable giving what he/she wants, negotiate! Talk about it! But don’t just refuse without dialog.

Second, lose the defensiveness. Basically, defensiveness simply tells your partner that what he/she has to say is not worth listening to. THAT breaks connection. And besides, just because you get defensive doesn’t mean you will change your partner’s mind.

Just because you feel defensive, doesn’t mean you have to act defensive, set the record straight, or be right.

Setting the record straight, being right and general defensiveness all break connection.

Third, be curious about your partner’s experience. Just because YOU think he/she should not be having the experience they are having doesn’t mean you are right.

Instead of being right, ask him/her for more info about their experience. That sends the message that your partner is important to you. That maintains connection!

Once again, keeping the strong connection you have worked so hard to create means:

1.) Scratch your partner where he/she itches;

2.) Reduce your defensive responses

3.) When your partner is having an emotional experience, ask questions–get curious.

These are 3 powerful ways to maintain connection. Take a risk–try them all.

I am Dr. Jim Hutt, from CounselorLink.com, wishing you a satisfying connection!
©2011CounselorLink.com & Jim Hutt, Ph.D. MFT

All rights reserved

Many couples and individuals have come to counseling after divorcing fifteen, twenty or twenty five years earlier. Most are quite happy in their current lives and marriages. Many, however, have looked back on their previous marriage with one very powerful observation:  Their original divorce did not need to happen!

What an astounding realization!  Not only was I impressed by their honesty,  I was also amazed they could look back on their divorces and understand them in a completely new light.

So, what is this all about?   As I spoke with these couples it became clear to me that they were looking at how they previously managed emotional reactivity, and how that dovetailed with divorce.  Every couple has to manage conflict, but the business of managing emotional reactivity, which is part of managing conflict, is not easy.

Knowledge of how the brain works and how to use the brain to one’s advantage is critical to managing reactivity, especially intense reactivity.
Specifically there are two brains that come into play when managing reactivity.

Those two brains are the prefrontal cortex, and the limbic system.The prefrontal cortex and the limbic system are often referred to as the logical and emotional brains respectively.

Here is a quick overview: the prefrontal cortex is the brain that allows us to make decisions, reductions, inductions, calculations, etc. The prefrontal cortex is the CEO of the brain.

The limbic system, otherwise known as the mammalian brain, is the center of all emotions.  The limbic system possesses all the pain centers, the pleasure centers, and is the part of the brain that has a very unique connection to the prefrontal cortex. It is the fight-or-flight-brain, among many other things.

Here is how the two brains work in concert: when the limbic brain is activated, it sends an amount of adrenaline up to the prefrontal cortex commensurate with the degree it wants to inhibit prefrontal cortex functioning. In short, adrenaline inhibits the prefrontal cortex from thinking.

Those two brains, in effect, operate in opposition to one another. It is a survival function that allows us to take action without having to think first.

Another way to think about these two brains is that they often function inversely. When limbic activity is up, pre-frontal cortex activity is down, and vice versa.

In practical terms this means that the limbic system will inhibit an individual from thinking clearly when they are feeling intense emotions. That is why in the middle of a heated argument people may say and do things they wish they could take back–sometimes that includes divorce.

The one thing that is very important to understand about the brain and conflict, is that the limbic brain always wants relief. And the fact that it wants relief is not enough: it wants relief NOW!  The lengths to which an individual will go to get relief can include divorce.

An unfortunate artifact of those couples who are in constant conflict, is that they become so tired of chronic conflict and the intense emotional reactivity that comes with it, that they will do anything to reduce their emotional reactivity.  When the high emotional reactivity has persisted for many months, or in some cases for many years, couples will often decide to get a divorce.  They just can’t stand “it” anymore: they want relief.

After a rear-view look in the mirror several years post-divorce, some couples have realized that had they known how to reduce their reactivity as a way to get relief,  they may have been able to avoid a painful divorce.

The Catch-22 that comes with divorce as relief, is that the divorce process, rather than decreasing reactivity,  actually increases it. That is one of the reasons depression often accompanies the divorce process, especially a protracted one.

Ironically, a couple may not experience the emotional relief they went down the divorce road looking for until many years later.

That is why it is very important when seeking couples counseling that the couple and the therapist both understand how the brain works.  In addition, the therapist must know how to teach a couple to manage emotional reactivity.  Once emotional reactivity is managed consistently, then a couple is able to determine whether or not divorce makes sense.

Divorce as an emotional reactivity reduction strategy is not the best way to achieve emotional equilibrium.  In fact, is possibly one of the worst ways to reduce reactivity.  Fact is, couples who have a smooth divorce process tend to be very effective at managing emotional reactivity.

My purpose in cautioning against “relief divorce” is not to moralize against divorce. Clearly there are many couples for whom divorce is the viable alternative, and it may have little to do with reducing emotional reactivity.

Overall, it is important to understand the distinction between divorce as relief from intense emotional reactivity,  and divorce that is not about relief of that sort.  Remember, reducing emotional reactivity will allow you to think more clearly about the marriage, and also about divorce because the pre-frontal cortex will not be inhibited by limbic activity.

Reduce emotional reactivity before you choose divorce.  You won’t regret it.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

The file below is an audio file, approximately one hour in length.  It is Dr. Jim Hutt being interviewed by Dr. Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute, in Menlo Park, CA.

The subject of the interview: Integrity: The Core of Relationships.  Even thought it’s long, give it a listen, and post any comments you have below.  Would love to know what you think about the topic.

Integrity: The Core of Relationships 

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 Counselorlink.com & Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT, Inc.

Well, Dr. Goulston, one the Psychology Today bloggers, has something to say to say about this.  Check it out at the link below this line:

Dr. Goulston’s blog

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

JIm Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 All rights reserved

Click on Dr. Mark Goulston’s name at the end of this sentence for another gem of a post by Dr. Mark Gulston, from Psychology Today.

Check it out–you will not be disappointed!  He explains direct connection between listening and happy marriages, and the connection between
divorce and not listening.

Do you have a listening story you can share with us that shows us how listening made a huge difference between you and your partner?
Do tell it! We can all learn from you.  Share in the box below.  And thank you!

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Resentful Compliance

Resentful compliance is an agreement that is not an agreement, but sounds like one.  Right away you can see the potential problems resentful compliance might spawn.

Resentful compliance, or going along to get along, as it it sometimes called, means doing something somebody else wants you to do, but, for whatever reason you do not want to do it.  Problem is, you do not, or cannot, say “no,” when you want to, and instead you agree to do something just to get the other one off your back.

Here’s the twist–There are the resentfully compliant who do what  their partner wants, but are resentful about doing it.  Their are also those who don’t do what their partner asks or demands; they say ‘yes,” but passively fail to follow through. They, too, resent their partner for a variety of reasons. They actively agree to do what their partner wants to get them off their back, then passively refuse to follow through.

When complying with a request or demand is accompanied by resentment, and it develops in to a pattern, the resentment toward your partner is palpable, and the disdain for repeatedly selling yourself out is significant.  This type of conflict pattern is difficult to break without counseling.

This pattern drives a huge wedge between the two of you.  The resentfully compliant one feels bossed around on the surface, and underneath it feels weak, powerless and scared to express him/herself.  The resentfully compliant one usually feels unheard, misunderstood, unloved and without a voice.  This person is often conflict averse.

The partner of the resentfully compliant one, on the other hand, resents the passive aggressive behavior, and often meets with denial when confronting it.  If confronting the resentfully compliant is done with intense emotional reactivity, the price of honesty is deemed too high, and the conversation shuts down as quickly as it began.  Rinse, wash and repeat, the gap between two of you widening.

This is a recipe for one of two typical outcomes:  either constant bickering and fighting, or, painful distance and silence, like two ships passing in the night.  By the way, neither of those lead to a good sex life.

It’s up to the resentfully compliant one to begin to voice their discontent with what’s going on.  Your partner is angry and resentful that “you never live up to your commitments,” or, “…you never do what you say!”  Likewise, the one making the request must keep their reactivity low when they hear “no” if they want commitment in place of resentful compliance.

What neither understand is that there is never commitment when there is resentful compliance.  Resentful compliance negates responsibility, undercuts integrity, and only gives the appearance of a commitment.  That is why resentful compliance is often mistaken for a commitment.

Commitment

Commitment follows a decision to accept responsibility for doing something based on mutual acceptance and/or agreement.  A request is considered, discussed with your partner, perhaps with some negotiation, and then acted upon.

When following through with a particular commitment, integrity remains intact, and the trust between the two of you is reinforced. Commitments  are made consciously, and typically are made together.

When you follow through with a commitment, you do so because you understand that following through, in general, keeps trust alive.  There may, indeed, be the occasional decision to be a good sport and “go along to get along,”  but it is not done as part of a pattern that has a core of resentment running through it.

The Partners of The Resentfully Compliant

Are you the partner of someone who is resentfully compliant?  If you think you are, ask yourself the following questions:

Does my partner avoid conflict?

If so, what role, if any, do I play in that?

Do I make it difficult for my partner to say “no?”

Am I aware that my partner cannot say “no,” and do I take advantage of that     to get what I want at my partner’s expense?

These questions begin to address the core of the patterns that resentfully compliant people and their partners engage in.

The Resentfully Compliant Partner

If you are the resentfully compliant one, ask yourself:

Do I avoid conflict regardless of how my partner responds to me?

Am I afraid to say “no” because of thoughts, beliefs, feelings and patterns I     developed in my family of     origin?

Do I refuse to accept responsibility for my role in this pattern, and instead blame     my partner?

Answers to those questions begin to break the patterns resentfully compliant people and their partners repeat.  Discuss them with each other. If necessary,  explore them with a counselor who can facilitate a healthy process.

These patterns can be changed, but requires persistence, effort and commitment.  Resentful compliance will not work.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

1.  Find a pen or pencil and some paper so you can take some notes.

2.  Click on the video below, and watch the video, by Dr. Mark Goulston.
Not only will you find it well worth your time, it may very well change your life and your relationship.

3.  Take notes.

4.  Watch the video below with your partner when ready.

Dr. Goulston, in my opinion, has hit the nail on the head with this very astute video, which details his method of recovery.

Learn the “Four H’s,” and the Four R’s.”  See a therapist if you need some help sorting it out.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Improve Conflict Management

If you really want to improve your communication skills, particularly related to conflict management, it’s crucial to begin with changing your thinking.  For the moment, forget about finding new skills, getting new tools.  Start with changing your thinking.

New thinking helps create new and effective patterns of conflict management, which helps resolve conflict much more efficiently.
The new, more effective patterns create relief, which, in turn, leads to a happier relationship.

Changing how you manage conflict begins with changing how and what each of you think and believe about conflict.

The following are the logical places to start:

1.  re-define what conflict IS

2. re-define what conflict is NOT

What Conflict IS

Conflict is a difference.  That’s it.  Male-female; that is a conflict because it is a difference.  You and me; that is a conflict because I am not you, and you are not me.  None of us is likely to change the other’s gender, nor who they are.  It is those conflicts that initially attract us to one another.

As male & female differences, we experience the world from very different political, social, power perspectives, among others.  We can either listen to how these differences impact how we relate to one another and learn, or, we can fight about them hoping the other will change. The former option is far more effective that the latter.

You and me as a conflict or difference also applies to heterosexual unions, alongside the female-male differences.  It also is central to same sex relationships/unions.  Each partner brings to the union their specific, unique differences.  Neither of you is going to change who that other person is.  Better to get to know each other via the differences, rather than fighting about them.

All in all, conflict is merely a difference. And that is all it is, a difference. The conflict is not a fight. A fight is simply a mis-managed conflict. It’s sort of like when you give directions to somebody to get somewhere and you tell them: if you’ve gone past “34th Street, you’ve gone too far.”  The difference is very similar. If you’ve gone to the point of fighting, you’ve gone too far.  Go back and start over, and manage more effectively.

There is not the time or space here to elaborate on what more effective management looks like.  Starting over means more effectively managing what we think, feel, and do under the stress of the conflict.

Conflict gives us an opportunity to show and experience empathy, compassion, understanding and validation.

New thinking:  conflict is the royal road to intimacy.

What Conflict IS NOT

Conflict is NOT war. Conflict is NOT bad. Conflict is NOT a fight.  A fight, or a war, is what happens when a conflict is mismanaged.  Conflict CANNOT be avoided, except at the cost of intimacy.  Avoiding conflict is avoiding the opportunity for intimacy.

Conflict is generally NOT the problem. How we MANAGE the conflict is the problem. And how we manage conflict depends on how we manage what we think, feel, and do when we have a difference.

Managing conflict gets easier as you change your thinking. For example: instead of thinking “conflict is painful,”  think “fighting is painful!”  Allow yourselves to explore the difference, rather than fight about it.

For now, simply detach “fight” from “conflict, and instead attach “intimacy” “to conflict.”

Old thinking leads to repeating old, ineffective patterns of conflict management.

New thinking creates new, effective patterns.

So remember: change your thinking, manage conflict more effectively.

Be patient with yourself, and with your partner/spouse, as you work together to create effective conflict management patterns. As you become better conflict managers, the tension level in the relationship will begin to subside.

As you manage yourself better, you manage conflict better. Stop trying to manage your partner!! Remember, small changes lead to huge progress!  No need to try to hit a home run, so to speak.

Conflict can help us understand ourselves better, and to be understood more completely by our partner.  Welcome conflict!  Work to avoid fighting.

Ultimately, conflict is an opportunity to build trust, become more intimate, and have a closer, more satisfying relationship.  Now that’s a new way of thinking!

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Competitive  vs Cooperative

We are taught from the earliest of ages that good communication is imperative.  In both subtle,  and direct ways, we are taught to be competitive
when we communicate.  Simultaneously, we are told to be cooperative.  What an impossible task–to be cooperative and competitive at the same
time.

The conundrum we are all faced with has its roots in two complex social environments: those having hierarchy structures, and those which do not.  Hierarchical institutions include schools, our family of origin, the family we create, workplaces, churches and government as the most common.  Within those institutions we learn the power of the politics and practice of competitive communication.

Part and parcel of those systems we learn the power of being right, winning, and fighting for what we believe in.  It is from within those hierarchical environments we learn that debate and argumentation can propel us up the ladders of success.  Within hierarchies we learn the art of both direct and indirect communication.  Whether or not we decide to learn or participate in competitive communication processes is very much dependent upon the degree to which we are conflict averse or not.    The less conflict averse we are, the more direct our communications tend to be.  The more conflict averse, communications may be less direct.

The one opportunity we have for a non-hierarchical relationship  is our marriage/partnership with our significant other. This is where, as I mentioned above, social environments become complex.  The intimate partners’ relationship is one that functions best when not hierarchical.  Problem is, by the time we reach significant other intimate relationships we have cut our communication teeth on competitive communication principles, techniques and lessons.  Therefore, we will likely employ them with our intimate partner, often ineffectively,  sometimes with disastrous outcomes.

Therefore, is there any reason we should not be having the relationship troubles we have given this backdrop?  We grow up being taught how, when, why and where to be competitive in our communications–just about everywhere.  We are told to be cooperative, but are taught with competitive means.   Furthermore, we understand the politics of hierarchical relationships far better than non-hierarchical relationships.  That in turn, leaves us ill prepared for marriage/committed relationships,  the one non-hierarchical intimate relationship we might develop.  Adding to the confusion is the fact that we create our own family, which clearly is a hierarchy, with the non-hierarchy of the partnership/marriage at its core.

What’s the answer?  Consciousness.  First, each individual in a couple, particularly those couples with children,  must become consciously aware of the differences between competitive and cooperative communication.

Second, put effort toward understanding how to create a non-hierarchical relationship in practice, not just theory.

Third, where children are involved, make an effort to practice cooperative communication principles between yourselves as parents as an example for children to emulate.

Fourth, correct the communication between the children when they are in conflict with each other and with you.  Recognize their tendency to be competitive, and  teach them the language of cooperation instead.

Below is a short version breakdown of each style;  judge for yourself which one you think might work best for you in a non-hierarchical relationship, that is, your
marriage or committed relationship, especially when conflict is involved. And remember, a conflict is a difference–not a fight!  A fight is what breaks out when
conflict is     mismanaged.

COMPETITIVE COMMUNICATION        COOPERATIVE COMMUNICATION

Adversarial–you vs me                    You each work together toward  common goals

Winner and a loser                                                No individual winners or losers–both “win”

Objective is to win vs being happy                     Objective is to understand each others experience

Objective is to be right  vs being happy             Objective is to learn (about the other, and ones self)

No resolution                                                          Resolution is paramount

Builds distance between partners                       Builds intimacy and closeness

No room for negotiation                                        Negotiation it is what it’s all about

Fundamentally rigid/inflexible                             Fundamentally flexible and open

Now, discuss these two very different styles with your partner just to see what you each think about the differences, and which one, or blend of the two, you each       tend to employ.

Next, explore the model your parents used when they were in conflict, and see if you can determine how what they did might have affected how you operate in your current relationship.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved