How To Re-Build Trust

As you can see by the title, the word “re-build” implies that the trust between the two of may have been damaged.  The damage may range from minimal to substantial.

The range of events that can have a negative impact on trust goes from minor things that we say we will do but don’t do all the way on up to physical violence, infidelity.

What follows are a few things to consider when repairing it.

There are three fundamental elements that effect restoring trust:
1.  Family of origin impact on the brain

2.  The couples’ talking and listening process

3.  Lies of omission and lies of co-mission

Family of Origin Impact On the Brain

Obviously, we all have our own separate, distinct, individual brain. In general, most of us are raised in one of the two possible early, family of origin states: one in which family trauma predominated. This trauma can come from the severely or chronic alcoholic or drug addict, frequent physical abuse or domestic violence, or something that beset the family that made the children and the parents live in a state of fear.  In general, the environment did not feel safe.

The second situation was that of fundamental stability. The usual ups and downs occurred, there was conflict, but it was usually managed effectively, and the basic homeostasis in the family was one in which there was relative calm, the ability to learn, and each of the individuals felt that they were valued, loved and cherished.  Most of all, the environment felt safe.

Here is why these situations are so pivotal later on in life in our primary relationships when we’re faced with the task of rebuilding trust:

If you come from the first situation, your brains is accustomed to looking for danger,  and are unable to see  what’s not dangerous. i.e., that which is good or positive. The state of alertness feels “normal.” This is the brain that is not able to find relief, and is typically in a constant state of vigilance.

In the survival state your brain looks for real or imagined threat. In some situations is unable to distinguish between the two.
Ofttimes people raised in this high alert state are criticized for being negative, cynical, pessimistic, and angry. In fact,   these are individuals who are always in a chronic state of pain and fear. They are so used used to being in that state of pain that it feels normal to them.

Later on during typical difficulties in their relationships, difficulties we all face from time to time, their tendency will be to look for what the partner does wrong, and avoid seeing and/or pointing out what their partner does right. You can begin to see now how that’s going to to make trust very difficult to build. The bottom line is this:  if you are trained for survival, you will notice danger, even in place where it does not exist.

In that context it makes it very difficult for the partner, after having been criticized for doing something wrong, and who then makes an effort toward correcting their behavior, to trust their partner will see them for who they truly are. When the survival oriented partner sees the other as quasi enemy, trust takes a back seat.

The Couples’ Talking and Listening Process

Rebuilding trust with a couple involves the couple’s process itself.  By process I mean how a couple actually talks and listens to each other when they’re dealing with a difference.  If the process between the couple involves interruptions, outbursts of anger, withdrawal, getting up and leaving the room, etc., the process is flawed, and trust will suffer.

It is not unusual for couples from relatively safe backgrounds to have process difficulties.  One process issue that comes into play for couples is elevated reactivity. If you are an interrupter, find a way to listen; if you get loud or yell, work on reducing the impulse to yell;  if you get silent and withdraw, take a risk to speak up These are very common process issues at all couples face to some extent or another.

Lies of Omission and Lies of Co-mission

The third element that goes into building trust has to do with lies of omission and lies of omission.

A lie of omission is something that is not said, but, had it been said would have provided a more accurate or honest picture to the listener.  Typically a lie of omission is conscious, although not always.

A lie of co-mission is something that is said that is not true. The lie of co-mission is the is the purposeful distortion of a fact or a element that is put forth to purposely keep the truth from the listener. Obviously, a steady flow of either type of lie will not help building trust.

1.) So, what do you do? You check in with yourself and your family history and if you have a family of trauma, go figure out how to start to look for the stuff that’s good instead of being on the alert. That may take some counseling, but do it is worth it.

2.)  Next check the process between the two of you. See where you need to make improvements in how you listen and how you talk to one another so that your messages are put across in a way they can be heard, and when they are heard whether or not they’re heard accurately. If you need help with that, seek counseling, especially if you need help reducing your reactivity.

3.) Stop lies of co-mission and lies of omission. If you’re telling little white lies or big fantastic lies, trust will always be damaged. On the other hand, if you’re omitting things that can help your partner better understand you or situations, which prevent a clearer picture of what’s going on, you will have trouble building trust. Remember,  in many instances what’s not said is just as important as what is said.

Trust is a complicated matter. There are several elements that go into building the trust. These are only three elements to look at that can help advance the two of you on the road to greater trust, intimacy and connection. Bottom line, however, is that without trust, love is usually painful.

If you run in to roadblocks in your effort to rebuild trust, seek professional counseling–it can significantly speed your progress.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2012 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Try the following, and note the responses:

–Catch your partner in the act of doing something you like and point it out…
–Make a positive comment about him/her regarding ANYTHING…
–Ask yourself during a stressful moment with her/him if what you are about to say is likely to be helpful…
–Consider saying three apparently difficult words more frequently…”I am sorry…”
–Refrain from commenting on something that bugs you that you typically do comment on…

At the end of the day, Pete Pearson of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park recommends each of you share with the other the following exercise while lying bed about to fall asleep:

“I regret (fill in the blank)
“I request (fill in the blank)
“I appreciate (fill in the blank)

Additionally, ask yourself at the end of the day: “Have I been the partner/spouse I aspire to be, and committed to be?” Or, “Have I lived according to the values I purport to possess as an individual and spouse/partner?”

If you want to experience a moment of vulnerability, try asking those questions out loud, and hear your partner’s/spouse’s perceptions and thoughts.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
©2012 CounselorLink.com & Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
All rights reserved

Vulnerability has been linked almost exclusively to the expression of feelings.   Most couples who grace my office tell me that they want the other, usually the male partner, to be “more vulnerable.”  Often that means, “I want him to express his feelings.”  Well, yes, that is a good thing to do, but folks,  expressions of feelings are NOT necessarily acts of emotional vulnerability.  True, many cultures teach males not to feel, and if, by chance they should actually happen to feel something, keeping it to themselves is the order of the day.  That, depending on the social context, MAY constitute vulnerability when a boy or man expresses a feeling.  But that ‘s another future post.

In the context of a relationship, I submit that vulnerability is much more complex,  generally misunderstood, and ill defined.  Here, in my opinion after sitting with thousands of couples over 32 years in practice, is a practical, accurate way to describe vulnerability:  Vulnerability is the act of saying the unpopular.  When we say something unpopular, to  what are we vulnerable?  REJECTION.  Plain and simple rejection.  What tends to be “unpopular?”  HONESTY.  Why?  Because honesty may lead to painful consequences.

Why do new found lovers put their best foot forward?  Acceptance.  Or if you want to be more cynical about it, they wish to avoid rejection.  One young woman explained to me she would never tell a man on the first or second date she had a chronic STD.  “I want to wait until I know he likes me, because that way he will be less likely to reject me when I give him the bad news.”  In other words, ‘ I’m going to lie to him until I think he can handle it to my liking. He won’t mind.’  Interesting.  I wonder how she might feel if the tables were turned.

One man dated a woman for five years before he told her of his vasectomy.  (I know, I know, she could have asked, but she didn’t). The subject was elevated to reality because of marriage discussions, when she mentioned her desire to have children.  His lie of omission was then revealed.  In a pool of tears she sadly asked him why he kept that secret.  He told her he did not want to be rejected.

She told him that had she known up front, she would have viewed him as unselfish, honest, and willing to take the risk to be vulnerable, all values she cherished.  She did end the relationship,  but  she made it very clear she did not end it because he did not want children.   She ended it because of his lack of integrity.  This was the story of a man unwilling to be vulnerable.  The price he paid for protecting his vulnerability came at the expense of his integrity.  Ironically, his lie rendered him much more vulnerable than he every imagined.

When he naively asked her how it would have been for her to know this on their first date she replied: “I would have felt some disappointment, but I would have respected you.  We could have at least talked about it.  Then I would have had to weigh how I would deal with having a wonderful partner, versus having children.   But neither of us would have wasted five years of our lives because of your fear, and lack of integrity.”

That is not an unusual scenario.  Most of us can think back on various situations where we were vulnerable to rejection,  and threw our integrity under the bus in order to avoid a particular vulnerability,  only to have it backfire.

That does not mean not to feel fear in the face of vulnerability.  It means that when you feel fear in the face of  vulnerability,  respect it, but honor your integrity, and respect yourself and your partner.  You will never regret not throwing your integrity under the bus.  And yes, anything we throw under the bus hurts, but remember this:  selfishness thrown under the bus hurts less then trashing integrity.  Throwing selfishness under the bus leads to more humility.  Selling out integrity eventually leads to humiliation, heartache, and reinforces poor self concept.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2012 Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT & CounselorLink.com

All rights Reserved

Seems one person or the other of a couple wants the other one to read their mind.

This is what they tell me in my office :
“He should KNOW what I like/want/need without my having to tell him. If I have to tell him what I want, well, then it doesn’t mean as much when he gives it to me.”

And the funny thing is–some couples seem to be very good at mind reading.  But are they really?

No, they are not–they are NOT mind readers at all!
They are:  VERY good anticipators.

Here’s the way it works.  Couples meet, decide to court, and spend a lot of time together.

Over the course of time, they actually tell each other what they want–repeatedly.  Especially early on… The operative  word here is REPEATEDLY.

What happens next?  They get what they ask for, and are pleased, and appreciative.  Why?
Because being given what we ask for is a direct sign that our lover cares about us.

The repetition of appreciation reinforces the behavior.  With reinforcement,  a pattern is built.  A pattern is a pattern because it is repeated.

So, if you frequently tell me that bringing me a hot cup of coffee in bed on Saturday morning means more to you than life itself, and I bring it to you, and then you tell me how much you appreciate the coffee, and that  you also appreciate me, after a while the coffee magically shows up each Saturday morning without you asking for it.

Why?  Because I’ve been conditioned to bring it. And the cool thing about all of this?  It all happens unconsciously.

Fast forward 20 when you happen to mention to one of your neighbors or friends that your spouse does this for you every Saturday morning, they will ask:  “How does he know to do that?”

You won’t say,  “I’ve conditioned him well.”

You will probably say:  “I don’t know, I guess he just reads my mind.”  And your neighbor will remark:  “Jeez, I wish my husband would read MY mind!”

But clearly, no one has read anyone’s mind. Both of you have participated in building a pattern that no longer depends on verbal commands.  If, however, you find these patterns of affection seem to have vanished, maybe it’s time to have a talk about the relationship in general.

But remember, it all began

BY ASKING FOR OR MAKING KNOWN WHAT YOU WANT!

“Ah,” you say, “but I already HAVE told him/her what I want, and I’m not getting it.  Your theory is WRONG.”

Well maybe, but maybe not.  Maybe one part of the pattern reinforcement is missing, such as the appreciation;  Or, there might be some resentment for an unspoken wound that is standing in the way.

Whether a pattern has been set or not, the only way create a pattern is by asking for what you want.

So maybe it’s time to let go of the belief that asking for what you want means he doesn’t care about you.  Instead, change the belief to:  Ask and you shall receive.  Consider what you receive a gift, show your appreciation, and build a pattern.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2012 Jim Hutt & CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

One way to undercut a relationship is by not managing conflict effectively.

And that will usually occur one of two ways:

Either you are afraid of conflict, and avoid it, or your methods of managing conflict render you more like a bull in a china shop than like a loving partner. Both methods may be due to FEAR of conflict.

But here is how you change that: Redefine fear of conflict as fear of fighting. In other words, conflict and fighting are two separate entities.

Here is exactly how to do that.

First, define conflict as a difference, and view the difference as a neutral entity.

Second, think about what exactly it is you fear–it probably has to do with fighting, and all the bad behavior that historically has been part of how conflict may have been managed in your family of origin, which you now, at times, manifest in your relationship with your partner.

Next, define the problem as fear of fighting. Now you have the opportunity to manage conflict with out fighting.

This is the first step in the process of working your way out of being afraid of conflict.

Let’s take a look at a real life example of this in action:

Your partner calls you a name, or says something that you interpret as a put down. In the past perhaps you “didn’t want to make a fuss,” because he/she might get really angry and loud. In order to avoid “angry and loud,” you said nothing.

Now, however, you’re unwilling to continue to avoid, so you say the following: “Ouch, that comment you just made did not feel very good, and here’s why: I experience it as diminishing. Please tell me again what is is you really want me hear that let’s me truly understand what is bothering you.”

Doing that may feel risky, but the rewards are generally with that risk.

My next video will show the next step to take in becoming more comfortable with conflict, and how to manage it more effectively.

Wishing you a less conflict avoiding relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Because we are social animals, and because it feels so good, we all want to get connected, be connected, and stay connected.

But, we often forget, one of the primary reasons for being connected has to do with survival: Without connection, we simply do not survive.

Problem is, it doesn’t seem to be that easy to stay connected.

Why? Glad you asked.

Simple: Survival doesn’t necessarily call for us to feel good about one another in spite of being connected.

It’s only when we add closeness, love, desire, etc., to the mix that things get dicey.

So, let us assume that we are evolved beyond the Alley Oop stage of human development, and that we wish to remain connected to our partner for reasons beyond those of primary survival.

How, on earth do we do that?!

First, you scratch your partner where he/she itches.

In other words, learn from your partner just exactly what it is that he/she wants from you that shows you care. And if you can’t figure it out, ASK DIRECTLY!

Once you know where he/she itches, scratch on that spot! If it seems too hard, or you are not comfortable giving what he/she wants, negotiate! Talk about it! But don’t just refuse without dialog.

Second, lose the defensiveness. Basically, defensiveness simply tells your partner that what he/she has to say is not worth listening to. THAT breaks connection. And besides, just because you get defensive doesn’t mean you will change your partner’s mind.

Just because you feel defensive, doesn’t mean you have to act defensive, set the record straight, or be right.

Setting the record straight, being right and general defensiveness all break connection.

Third, be curious about your partner’s experience. Just because YOU think he/she should not be having the experience they are having doesn’t mean you are right.

Instead of being right, ask him/her for more info about their experience. That sends the message that your partner is important to you. That maintains connection!

Once again, keeping the strong connection you have worked so hard to create means:

1.) Scratch your partner where he/she itches;

2.) Reduce your defensive responses

3.) When your partner is having an emotional experience, ask questions–get curious.

These are 3 powerful ways to maintain connection. Take a risk–try them all.

I am Dr. Jim Hutt, from CounselorLink.com, wishing you a satisfying connection!
©2011CounselorLink.com & Jim Hutt, Ph.D. MFT

All rights reserved

Many couples and individuals have come to counseling after divorcing fifteen, twenty or twenty five years earlier. Most are quite happy in their current lives and marriages. Many, however, have looked back on their previous marriage with one very powerful observation:  Their original divorce did not need to happen!

What an astounding realization!  Not only was I impressed by their honesty,  I was also amazed they could look back on their divorces and understand them in a completely new light.

So, what is this all about?   As I spoke with these couples it became clear to me that they were looking at how they previously managed emotional reactivity, and how that dovetailed with divorce.  Every couple has to manage conflict, but the business of managing emotional reactivity, which is part of managing conflict, is not easy.

Knowledge of how the brain works and how to use the brain to one’s advantage is critical to managing reactivity, especially intense reactivity.
Specifically there are two brains that come into play when managing reactivity.

Those two brains are the prefrontal cortex, and the limbic system.The prefrontal cortex and the limbic system are often referred to as the logical and emotional brains respectively.

Here is a quick overview: the prefrontal cortex is the brain that allows us to make decisions, reductions, inductions, calculations, etc. The prefrontal cortex is the CEO of the brain.

The limbic system, otherwise known as the mammalian brain, is the center of all emotions.  The limbic system possesses all the pain centers, the pleasure centers, and is the part of the brain that has a very unique connection to the prefrontal cortex. It is the fight-or-flight-brain, among many other things.

Here is how the two brains work in concert: when the limbic brain is activated, it sends an amount of adrenaline up to the prefrontal cortex commensurate with the degree it wants to inhibit prefrontal cortex functioning. In short, adrenaline inhibits the prefrontal cortex from thinking.

Those two brains, in effect, operate in opposition to one another. It is a survival function that allows us to take action without having to think first.

Another way to think about these two brains is that they often function inversely. When limbic activity is up, pre-frontal cortex activity is down, and vice versa.

In practical terms this means that the limbic system will inhibit an individual from thinking clearly when they are feeling intense emotions. That is why in the middle of a heated argument people may say and do things they wish they could take back–sometimes that includes divorce.

The one thing that is very important to understand about the brain and conflict, is that the limbic brain always wants relief. And the fact that it wants relief is not enough: it wants relief NOW!  The lengths to which an individual will go to get relief can include divorce.

An unfortunate artifact of those couples who are in constant conflict, is that they become so tired of chronic conflict and the intense emotional reactivity that comes with it, that they will do anything to reduce their emotional reactivity.  When the high emotional reactivity has persisted for many months, or in some cases for many years, couples will often decide to get a divorce.  They just can’t stand “it” anymore: they want relief.

After a rear-view look in the mirror several years post-divorce, some couples have realized that had they known how to reduce their reactivity as a way to get relief,  they may have been able to avoid a painful divorce.

The Catch-22 that comes with divorce as relief, is that the divorce process, rather than decreasing reactivity,  actually increases it. That is one of the reasons depression often accompanies the divorce process, especially a protracted one.

Ironically, a couple may not experience the emotional relief they went down the divorce road looking for until many years later.

That is why it is very important when seeking couples counseling that the couple and the therapist both understand how the brain works.  In addition, the therapist must know how to teach a couple to manage emotional reactivity.  Once emotional reactivity is managed consistently, then a couple is able to determine whether or not divorce makes sense.

Divorce as an emotional reactivity reduction strategy is not the best way to achieve emotional equilibrium.  In fact, is possibly one of the worst ways to reduce reactivity.  Fact is, couples who have a smooth divorce process tend to be very effective at managing emotional reactivity.

My purpose in cautioning against “relief divorce” is not to moralize against divorce. Clearly there are many couples for whom divorce is the viable alternative, and it may have little to do with reducing emotional reactivity.

Overall, it is important to understand the distinction between divorce as relief from intense emotional reactivity,  and divorce that is not about relief of that sort.  Remember, reducing emotional reactivity will allow you to think more clearly about the marriage, and also about divorce because the pre-frontal cortex will not be inhibited by limbic activity.

Reduce emotional reactivity before you choose divorce.  You won’t regret it.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

The file below is an audio file, approximately one hour in length.  It is Dr. Jim Hutt being interviewed by Dr. Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute, in Menlo Park, CA.

The subject of the interview: Integrity: The Core of Relationships.  Even thought it’s long, give it a listen, and post any comments you have below.  Would love to know what you think about the topic.

Integrity: The Core of Relationships 

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 Counselorlink.com & Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT, Inc.

Well, Dr. Goulston, one the Psychology Today bloggers, has something to say to say about this.  Check it out at the link below this line:

Dr. Goulston’s blog

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

JIm Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 All rights reserved

Click on Dr. Mark Goulston’s name at the end of this sentence for another gem of a post by Dr. Mark Gulston, from Psychology Today.

Check it out–you will not be disappointed!  He explains direct connection between listening and happy marriages, and the connection between
divorce and not listening.

Do you have a listening story you can share with us that shows us how listening made a huge difference between you and your partner?
Do tell it! We can all learn from you.  Share in the box below.  And thank you!

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved