Watch the video.



Your conflicts sometimes lead to painful or bitter fights.  When all is said and done after your difference du jour, you both feel frustrated, hurt, dejected and misunderstood.  You both know you will repeat your familiar but painful scenario in the near future; it’s a matter of when, not if.  You feel helpless and confused, and have no idea how to break the pattern you faithfully, but regrettably, repeat.   In the end, the refrain is the same: “You just don’t understand!  This article is about how to change that.

We all want to be heard and understood, and when we’re not, all too often we blame our partner for it.  However, the responsibility for being understood begins on your own side of the street, not your partner’s.  Unwittingly, you undercut being understood when under stress.

Ironically, you probably ‘know’ what constitutes effective and ineffective behavior when hashing out an issue. And yet, ineffective stuff easily surfaces.  For example, calling your partner a derogatory name seldom leads to your partner feeling safe, but you do it anyway, with predictable consequences.

This happens, in part, because emotional states tend to trump clear thinking. Keeping emotional reactivity low can be a challenge.  Humans run from pain much faster than doing the crucial work that leads them toward pleasure.  Why?  Our brains are wired to run from danger and pain.  It’s a survival reflex.

Ineffective behavior in the service of decreasing your pain reduces emotional safety.  In short, a relationship is only as emotionally safe as the partner who feels the least safe.

Winning, and setting the record (facts) straight in an argument also inhibits being understood.  When couples decide to join their lives together, they believe their union is a team.  Introduce conflict in to your day-to-day lives, and voila, it may feel like you’re on opposing teams!  Amazing, isn’t it?  How often have you said to yourself, your partner or a friend, “when we fight, I can never win,”?  Or, “I knew I married Mr./Ms. Right, I just didn’t know his/her first name was ‘always’!”

Being right during a conflict goes hand in hand with winning.  Ultimately, the result is the same.  The ‘right’ one feels good, and the ‘wrong’ one feels bad.  The net effect:  distance, and a failure to produce emotional safety and relationship closeness.

So, here’s what to do instead of pounding a nail in to your shoe.  What if you did some things completely different, such as the following:  1). gave up being right and winning; 2). spoke with honesty;  3). talked about yourself.  Those elements keep connection during conflict, lead to being understood and promote emotional safety.  OK, now, suspend disbelief, take a deep breath, give it a shot, try any or all,  and see what happens.

Here are an examples of each:

1).  GIVING UP BEING RIGHT/WINNING

Your partner says something like this (I know you wouldn’t, right?):  “You NEVER do what I ask, even the smallest, simplest thing!  You ALWAYS ignore me!”  (Here’s a hint for you that will take the “u” out of clueless–NEVER and ALWAYS are not meant to be taken literally.  NEVER and ALWAYS  point out the intensity of the emotions or feelings accompanying the complaint–NEVER  and ALWAYS are qualitative, not quantitative. DO NOT take “never” and “always” literally.  Got it?  Excellent!)

HERE’S YOUR OLD, TIME TESTED AND HONORED, DEEPLY GROOVED PATTERN RESPONSE, BASED ON YOUR DESIRE TO BE RIGHT, SO YOU CAN WIN, SO THAT  YOUR SEX LIFE REMAINS DORMANT, IF NOT DEAD:

“Yes I do.  In fact on January 4, 2001 when you asked me to take the garbage out, I did it, and I didn’t even sulk.  And right now, I am, in fact, listening to you, or I would not have been able to remember when I took the garbage out.  So, I don’t know what your problem is.  By the way, why do you always say “always” and “never” when you know they’re never true?  I don’t get it”

No, YOU don’t get it, but that’s OK, because you’re only human, too. try the following alternative response.  Take a risk, stretch, give it a shot, see what happens.

HERE’S YOUR NEW, NOT TIME TESTED, NOT PART OF A DEEPLY GROOVED PATTERN, BUT BASED ON YOUR DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND AND CONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER, SO THAT HE/SHE WILL BE MORE COMPASSIONATE WHEN PICKING OUT YOUR NURSING HOME, NEW RESPONSE:

“Wow, it sounds like you’re telling me maybe I’m not as reliable as I like to think I am, and, when you try to tell me about it, I really don’t want to hear it, so I shut you down with an air-tight counter-argument.  And now, you sound really irritated and hurt.”

That is what giving up being right and winning looks like when morphed into understanding looks like.

2). HONESTY
Honesty is the best policy. Well, at least that’s what we’re told.  Notice I didn’t say that’s what we’re taught.  That’s because, by and large, in this culture, we are not taught how to be honest, we’re simply told to be honest.   In fact, we are told to be honest, but are taught/shown how to be dishonest, an implicit double message.

Bullwash, you say.  Well, maybe, but here’s a test:  What was NOT talked about in your family of origin?  Did your parents/step-parents/caregivers talk openly about sensitive issues like sex, eroticism and love, and the connection between them?  Were emotions talked about?  Was it acceptable and safe to express your thoughts & feelings?

Was it safe to honestly tell family members what you thought and felt–in other words, was the price of honesty low enough to reinforce honest, effective communication when you were a kid, especially when there were differences?

Did mom and dad display their ability to listen and understand each other respectfully?

If you were the bearer of ‘bad news,’ such as a less than stellar report card, or you lobbed a baseball through a window, or you got a ticket, was it safe to come clean, even if a bit reluctantly?  Could you question parental authority (appropriately) without repercussion simply because you questioned?

That is a short list.  There are countless family of origin situations that either promote or discourage honesty.  If your answers lean more toward “no” than “yes,”  lies of omission may pepper your current relationship more than you are aware.  If so, there’s a good chance  your partner will not understand you.  Why? Because information withheld or omitted prevents understanding.

Here’s an example of a dishonest exchange, i.e., replete with omissions, followed by its honest counter-part:

Scenario–You really want to confront your partner.  He/she was drunk at a party the night before.  This is a recurring event.  You were embarrassed and humiliated, and today you feel hurt and angry, and now you’re worried that he/she may, indeed, be an alcoholic.  Bringing up a thorny topic has always been difficult for you–a part of you is afraid of conflict.  There was alcoholism in your family of origin.  Conflict was seldom managed effectively.

A DISHONEST EXCHANGE–looks like this:

YOU: “Did you have fun at the party last night–you seemed to have a good time?”

PARTNER: “I had a great time!  Did you?”

YOU:  “It was OK, not great.  Sometimes being around all that drinking gets kind of old.”

PARTNER:  “Hey, what’s the big deal, it’s a party, right? That’s what parties are about.”

YOU:  “I know, but still, it would be nice if it were different, that’s all I’m saying.”

(Nice and safe, didn’t scratch the surface, no understanding achieved.).

HONEST EXCHANGE– looks like this:

YOU:  “Honey, I want to talk with you about the party last night.  It was not fun for me.  In fact,
there were several times I felt terribly embarrassed and humiliated.  When I think back
on it today, I am very hurt, angry and scared.  I am afraid that there is alcoholism in our
house, just like when I was a kid. I don’t want to ignore it in our marriage like my
parents ignored it in theirs.  Please, can we talk about this and do something about it?

(Safe, non-reactive, but direct, clear, honest expression of feeling and experience).

PARTNER:  “Wow, this is really hard stuff to hear.  Part of me feels really defensive right now.
But another part of me knows there’s some truth in what you’re saying.  I really
don’t want to see myself as a drunk, but I know I really lose it sometimes.  I’m
sorry I did those things last night–I can see how you’d feel.  Do you honestly
think our marriage is like your parents’?

YOU:  “I don’t know, that’s the problem.  All I know is, I won’t live like they did.  I told myself
it would never happen to me, but I’m so scared that it’s happening anyway!”

PARTNER:  “I feel really weird saying this to you, but the truth is, I’ve secretly been worried
about my drinking for a while now.  I didn’t want to tell you that because I thought
you might kick me out.  I’ve been worried about that, too!”

YOU:  “I am SO relieved to hear to hear you say that!  I don’t want to kick you out, although,
there have been times when I’ve thought about it –maybe we ca find a way to kick the
the alcohol out.

The differences between the two scenarios above are numerous and hopefully, obvious.  It isn’t necessarily easy or comfortable having open, honest exchanges similar to the one above. But they work!  Developing the ability to have them is crucial to a long and happy relationship.  Remember, all the external communication tools and skills are ineffective unless you have the internal ability to risk being honest.   Sometimes that requires professional counseling.

3).TALK ABOUT YOURSELF

Being understood also requires you talk about yourself.  I am not referring to an egocentric or unhealthy narcissism.  Talking about yourself means not talking about your partner.  Quite simply, if you want to be understood,  talking about someone else makes no sense.  It’s impossible to be understood if you’re talking about your partner.

If you and your sibling each broke a leg in a car crash, which leg would you talk about if you wanted your experience to be understood?  Yours, of course.  It is virtually the same with you and your partner.  When you want your partner to understand you, chances are the more you talk about your partner the less you will be understood.  Here’s the deal:  TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.

Easier said than done, you’re right, and here is why:  Chances are, the model of conflict management you grew up with included watching and/or listening to parents talk about the other, rather than themselves.  Accusations, blaming, name-calling, making the other ‘wrong,’ are but a few of the ways partners/parents talk about the other.

If either parent was conflict averse, and could not be honest (a la the example above) there’s a good chance neither felt understood.  You may have carried a similar pattern into adulthood.

What does talking about yourself look like?  Let’s use the example above (HONESTY) for reference:

NOT TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF EXCHANGE– looks like this:

YOU: “Did you have fun at the party last night–you seemed to have a good time?”
(Instead of telling your partner about yourself, you focus on your partner).

PARTNER: “I had a great time!  Did you?”
(Doesn’t really understand what you are actually trying to say because you
are not saying it).

YOU:  “It was OK, not great.  Sometimes being around all that drinking gets kind of old.”
(This is vague and indirect, and does not convey your true experience).

PARTNER:  “Hey, what’s the big deal, it’s a party, right? That’s what parties are about.”
(Doesn’t tell you anything about his inner thoughts about his/her drinking).

YOU:  “I know, but still, it would be nice if it were different, that’s all I’m saying.”
(Omits any feelings or thoughts that reflect inner experience that would
facilitate being understood).

TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF EXCHANGE–looks like this:

YOU:  “Honey, I want to talk with you about the party last night.  It was not fun for me.  In fact,
there were several times I felt terribly embarrassed and humiliated.  When I think back
on it today, I am very hurt, angry and scared.  I am afraid that there is alcoholism in our
house, just like when I was a kid. I don’t want to ignore it in our marriage like my
parents ignored it in theirs.  Please, can we talk about this and do something about it?

(There is no blaming, accusing, name-calling, or talking about the partner.  Everything
that was said is clear, direct, honest, and about the person speaking).

PARTNER:  “Wow, this is really hard stuff to hear.  Part of me feels really defensive right now.
But another part of me knows I should be concerned too.  I really don’t want to see
myself as a drunk, but I know I really lose it sometimes.  I’m sorry I did those
things last night–I get how you’d feel.  Do you honestly think our marriage
is like your parents’?

(No defensiveness; clear, direct, honest expression and ownership of his/her own
thoughts, feelings and behavior.  These responses clearly tell the other partner
it is safe to have a talk about about a difficult topic–definitely talking about
self).

YOU:  “I don’t know, that’s the problem.  All I know is, I won’t live like they did.  I told myself
it would never happen to me, but I’m so scared that it’s happening anyway!”

(Again, talking only about self).

PARTNER:  “I feel really weird saying this to you, but the truth is, I’ve secretly been worried
about my drinking for a while now.  I didn’t want to tell you that because I thought
you might kick me out.  I’ve been worried about that, too!”

(Again, talking only about self).

YOU:  “I am SO relieved to hear to hear you say that!  I don’t want to kick you out,
although, there have been times when I’ve thought about it–maybe we can
find a way to kick the drinking out.

(Again, talking only about self).

Give these a shot, ask each other for support in attempting different ways of being honest.
Let go of being right and winning for a day–try it on.
Take a risk, if even for one short conversation, to be deeply honest (not to be confused with hostile, brutal honesty).

Talk about yourself, your own feelings and experiences, absent blaming, accusing and name-calling.

Being understood is your responsibility, not your partner’s. The more patience, effort and repetition you put toward giving up being right/winning, honesty and talking about yourself, the greater likelihood for healthy connection. Chances are, your next conflict may not end with the words “you just don’t understand.”

If you feel chained to a pattern of conflict you’d like to break out of, this video will give you tips on how to do just that.  You will also see what can and cannot be negotiated.

How can you deal with this more effectively?  This video will help.

The video here will show you the link between the two.

Check out the video below, and you will be a step closer to well disciplined kids who will make better decisions.

Don’t you hate to approach your spouse/partner with questions that can elicit the answer “NO!”?   For example: “Honey, is it OK if I …(fill in the blank)?”  Or, “Can I …(fill in the blank)?”   Some of you guys out there, more than once, have implored your partner/spouse:  “Can I go bowling tonight?”  And then there’s the all-time favorite guy question—“Sweetie, I can go to the (name of favorite sports bar) and watch the football game tonight, right?”

This isn’t reserved for men only.  A wife/partner may ask:  “Dear, is it OK if I go shopping?”  Or, “Can I go with the girls to Vegas this weekend?”   “It’s OK if I go to the movies tonight and leave the kids with you, right?” Permission-seeking opportunities among couples are endless.  But are they necessary, and is it healthy to seek permission?

Well, consider this:  A marriage/partnership is our only opportunity for a non-hierarchical, balanced relationship.  How and why is a CounselorLetter for a later date.  For now,  think of  a non-hierarchical relationship this way:  it is  a collaboration between equals.

Equals who collaborate are reasonably well differentiated.  Well differentiated couples approach each other as adults, and respect each others  separate desires, requests, thoughts, feelings and needs.   As collaborators,  decisions and plans are made together.  Generally speaking, collaborative adults live by consideration. They tend to avoid permission-seeking, and instead offer and seek consideration.

PERMISSION SEEKING

The questions in the first two paragraphs (above) are permission-seeking questions.  Many women have expressed that permission-seeking questions trigger maternal feelings toward their husbands.  Men,  that  has serious implications:  It is very difficult for the woman in our lives to feel simultaneously spousal and parental toward us without a cost to the relationship.

One woman, to her husband, said it best:  “If you want me to treat you like a man, and you want me to respond like a woman & wife, stop asking me for permission like a child.  I’m not your mother!”

It’s very much the same for women who seek permission from their spouses/partners.  In both cases, permission seeking sets up and reinforces a relationship hierarchy. The short version is described as follows: The marital relationship is more PARENT to CHILD, (hierarchal) than it is ADULT to ADULT (collaborative)  While some relationships may seem to thrive within this type of hierarchy, many, if not most, do not.  Sooner or later, the one who tends to be the permission-seeker, i.e. CHILD, will experience resentment, and distance.  The PARENTAL spouse often feels frustration, irritation and distance.  Couples who experience this hierarchy are frequently in conflict about a lot of “little things,” and don’t know why.

CONSIDERATION

Rather than seeking permission, employ consideration.  Now those questions above become statements:  (PERMISSION-SEEKING)“Honey, is it OK if I …(fill in the blank)?” morphs in to:  (CONSIDERATION) “Honey, I want/would like/have begun planning (fill in the blank) and, want to know how that works for you.  Any thoughts or feelings about that?”

Example #2,  (PERMIMSSION-SEEKING) “It’s OK if I go to the movies tonight and leave the kids with you, right?” (CONSIDERATION) “ I really want to go to the movies with (friend’s name) and I know it’s last minute, and I also realize that means you would have to watch the kids.  I really need a break.  How would you feel about that?

The previous are examples of consideration; they are ADULT to ADULT (collaborative) vs PARENT to CHILD (hierarchal) interactions.  They consider how, and/or what, your partner feels and thinks about what it is you want, as well as day-to-day logistics. Equally important it gives you a voice as well, i.e., you are free to say what you want without fear.  Couples who tend to approach each other ADULT to ADULT (collaboratively) generally find they are able to hear objections or conflicts generated by their stated desire.  Furthermore, they area able to negotiate effectively.

The converse is more likely in the hierarchical or PARENT to CHILD interaction—there’s no room to negotiate.  It’s a binary “yes’ or “no,” often followed by a fight, or go-along-to-get-along silence, which we know from the research produces warmth equal to, or less than, that of  the granite counter-top  in your kitchen.

Give consideration a try the next time you catch yourself about to seek permission, and see for yourself.   Here’s a cool twist:  While it’s true that differentiated couples tend to operate from a position of consideration, a couple can become more differentiated by taking the risk to use consideration in place of permission seeking.  It may seem like a small issue, but it can have big rewards.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D. MFT

© Jim Hutt, Ph.D. 2008

In the physician’s office you’re not likely to query your doctor about his/her ailments.  If you did, your own problem might not be adequately addressed.

When you go to a physician,  you go to explain what it is YOU are experiencing–where YOU hurt–what YOUR problem is.  You do that by talking about yourself.  This is common sense, and we all do it automatically, without question.  Why?  BECAUSE IT WORKS–your problem/experience is understood,  appropriately attended to, and ultimately resolved.  That is a metaphor for couples in conflict.

Consider approaching your partner/spouse the same way you approach the doctor.  Imagine talking about yourself,  instead of discussing the faults of your spouse/partner.

What happens when you talk about yourself?   YOU SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE YOUR ODDS OF BEING UNDERSTOOD, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY REDUCING THE INTENSITY, LENGTH AND INEFFECTIVE old patterns you’ve probably been repeating possible for years. In short you break an old pattern.

But you’ve also done something else: You’ve taken charge and control of yourself instead of trying to control/change your partner/spouse.  When you make a conscious decision to break an old, ineffective pattern, and instead take control of yourself, you are doing something very POWERFUL.  You have maximized your odds of being understood.   Conversely, repeated attempts to control your partner’s/spouse’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings is OVERPOWERING.  And guess what–it does not work!

If you want to have a positively effective impact on your relationship, do what’s powerful:  TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.  If you want to break old, ineffective, frustrating or destructive patterns, TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. That is, if you really want to be understood.

So, how do you actually so this?  Well, start with the following exercise: The next time your partner says or does something that rubs you the wrong way, don’t ask the usual question we all know how to ask, such as, “Why did you say/do THAT?!!”

Instead, break that old pattern– talk about yourself by saying something like: “Gee, that was hard to hear– I felt a little bruised when I heard that.”  Leave it at that for the moment.  That will pave the way for your partner/spouse to ask you as question such as: “Really?  What did you hear?” Now, as you answer that question, you have an opportunity to talk more about yourself, which has increased your odds of being understood.  The old, ineffective pattern has been interrupted.

This is easier said than done because it’s hard to break old patterns–they seem to be automatic.  If it did not work as you had hoped, try again.  It takes practice and repetition, repetition, repetition. Remember, progress, not perfection.

Wishing you a more satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

YELLING AT CHILDREN

This is a topic that has meaning for everyone.  All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once.  No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings.  However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling know what I’m talking about.

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

First, it teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations.  By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.

Second, yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel.  In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior.  If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake.

Third, regularly yelling at a child before the age of 3 or 4, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling.  In other words, a child will not learn  useful, effective expression when yelling is their model.  The short version is, ‘if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.’  They are too young to know better.

Back to the fear induced by a yelling parent.  Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid.  Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid.  Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents.  Sometimes they grow up to be yellers.  No surprise.

HELPLESSNESS

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless.  It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment.  Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it.  The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

First, make a conscious, verbal decision to stop.

Second,  make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses.  Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s.  From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!).  All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox.  But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part.  Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.

Third, if reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.

Fourth,  try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop:  There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.

By the way, in 29 years of practice, I’ve never met a parent who remarked:  “Boy, do I regret not yelling a my kid, what a mistake that was.”

YELLING AT YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear, just as it does in a child.  Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear.  If you want your partner to think about what you say,  the odds for that increase  when you speak in a way that does not produce fear.  When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear.  It (the brain)  immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat.  The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode).  Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.”  In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair.  Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at.  That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out.  Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle  is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process.  The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal.  In flight mode, two common options arise:  One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother.  Either way you have no voice.  In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se.  In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective.  More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management.  All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity.  Why might professional counseling helpful at this point?  Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history.  A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

AN ALTERNATIVE TO YELLING

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort.  If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

1.  Before you begin your discussion,  each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working.  It might sound like this:  “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively.  I am going to try some new behaviors.”

2.  Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion.  If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated.  You might say, for example,  “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.”  THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR.  If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner.  What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion.  No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.

3.  Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself.  How you aspire to be is all you have control over.

4.  In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion.  If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.

5.  When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume.  This reduces the chances of  avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.

6.  After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went.  Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner.  Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner.  Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern.  It’s not easy.  The fact that you made an attempt builds trust and self confidence.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

© Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

In “Sorry,” Part 1,  I mentioned that apology is rare in some  marriages.  Why is that?  After all, during courtship couples create a bond they dearly desire and strive to protect.  I have heard many couples mention that apology occurred more frequently during courtship than during the entire span of the marriage.  Here are some thoughts about infrequent/absent apology.

PREVIOUS WOUNDS

In some cases the offending partner already feels wounded (traumatized), either by significant others earlier in life, by their current partner, or both.  If we have been fed a steady diet of repair, we learn to repair, and experience its positive impact.  If we grew up with little or no apology—i.e., repair—there is a good chance we will offer little in significant relationships later in adulthood.  Apology/repair leaves the heart open;  absence of repair shelters the heart in a protective callous.  The result is a short supply of empathy accompanied by an absence of apology when one is called for.

EMAPTHY

Empathy and compassion are part of apology.  Also, they are essential to our emotional lives.  Empathy and compassion toward others rely on your ability to identify, label and express your own feelings.  Equipped to do that you are more likely to have a sense of what your partner may be feeling, and therefore, more apt to provide apology/repair.  Why?   Because you can recognize the emotional signs that your partner may be feeling hurt, you have experienced repair in past experiences of your own hurt, and you pass it on, so to speak.

The long and short of it is this:  If you got empathy and apology/repair, you’re more likely to give empathy and apology/repair.

DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness often replaces empathy and apology/repair when  feeling blamed or attacked.  In addition, some people assume blame by virtue of the fact that their partner is in pain, and automatically feel defensive.  Point is, a defensive posture precludes an overture of repair.

When apology would be just the right medicine in a particular moment, but is not forthcoming, the wounded one often feels more hurt, and angry.  When those emotions are expressed, the situation can become more emotionally intense or escalated, and each partner is apt to crawl away licking their own respective wounds.  The result is distance and disappointment, and a lingering sense of not being understood and loved.  Smoldering hurt can lead to seething impasses, and the repetition of a frequently repeated painful pattern.

“I’m sorry. It was my fault.  How can I make it right?”  If all three parts seem too much to provide at once, start with the first one.  It will go a lot farther toward repair than you think.

Wishing you a satisfy relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008