count your dressings

Sketchy Salad in Only 2 Months?

2025-06-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

While never doubting the brutal truthfulness of Reductress, we just had to wonder...

Is it possible for a woman to grow a salad, sketchy or otherwise, in only 2(two) Months??

Yup!

It IS totes truly possible, even easy feasy to go from seeds in dirt to tiny mouthfuls of sad, slumpy salad in two(2) months -- or less!

After selectively skimming the work of others, along w/ a flurry of related search results, we discovered that vegetables can grow really fucking fast!

For starters, leaf lettuce, generally matures fast, in about seven to eight weeks, which makes it ideal for a home garden. As a bonus, it can really be harvested anytime you see leaves big enough to eat, making it ideal for the general pace of life + unevolved patience that has one wondering why they ever thought a garden was a good idea in the first place.

Next in our living salad bowl is the radish. Generally considered to be the fastest-growing vegetable, the radish can be harvested as soon as 3-4 weeks after planting. While there's an outside chance of pulling off a few cucumbers or baby carrots, stick to the produce aisle for standard salad faves onions + tomatoes.

If timing is everything, we should point to the publish date of the original post in question, May 14, which is a perfect point on the calendar to plant this pathetic pursuit! Another truth-o-meter star for Reductress, which we discovered during our research for this article is a feminist news satire site, which parodies the way the media talks down to women.

Unbiased research + countless unread articles aside, lettuce smile for salad + DIY enthusiasm! We hope this encourages all aspiring, overidealistic salad farmers out there to not go too hard on themselves, or the lettuce leaves, + we look forward to a bumper crop of aimless, sputtering personal social media posts + blog entries this harvest season!

*Thanks again to Ms. Canada for another absolutely apposite prompt! Nice follow up to "women laughing alone with salad"!

And the post following the previous post is...

2024-08-18T03:41:00.000-07:00

The

Count Yr Dressings™
Open Call for Articles of Interest

for May 2024

(published in this Leo's month of August, 2024)

winner was...

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Skinny Girl™, Discontinued (for Honey Dijon)
by Emji Saint Spero

what is that thing that women do when they eat salad?
i can't remember.

it's been so long.
since i've been a woman

or it could end like this:

____________________________________________________________________________________________

To emji it may concern,

Thank you for finally submitting to Count Yr Dressings!

Submission(s) Accepted and you are herein notified that though you have won, we encourage you and all accepted submission(s) to remember,

Nobody Wins Ever.

Wild Arugula Dreams on a Bed of Baby Spinach on a Sea of Vinaigrette. - CYD

For more terrific, though largely non-saladacious, work
by Emji Saint Spero, visit saintspero.com

And We'd Like To Thank...

2024-03-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

...Baseball Card Vandals for fronting this dressed-down, motivational powerpoint of a piece! Pure taser-mounted chainsaw energy to get us back in the game. Announcing Count Yr Dressings™ Open Call for Articles of Interest (Submissions) for May 2024!

Image Credit: Baseball Card Vandals (https://shopbcv.com/)

I mean... look, we haven't posted single fucking follow up since 2(two)02(two)-fucking-2(two). Somebody hast, on the sliding scale of hast, to do this. That said, this is now your problem, and we're absolutely ready of capability and willing to make it damn happen to you - like it happened to us.

Send SUbmissions to: kennedy.tableblue @ gmail.com
Deadline: 11:11pm, April 15, 2024
Fuck taxes. Get dressed.

*Article Submission Guidelines: Just take a look around

Ken's Steakhouse Peppercorn Ranch Dressing Concern (Part Two - Co-Plaintiff)

2022-01-29T09:14:00.003-08:00

On the 29th day, no response...

from Ken, with no resolution (DPI), thus enters founding editor/co-concerned/artist Jeremy Kennedy...

Not so much from Ken himself, but still more concerning the situation surrounding his "just alright" dressing.

STILL Awaiting Reply.

TO BE CONTINUED...

*Disclosure: CYD has absolutely no issues or complaints concerning Ken's original Ranch, Bleu Cheese, and/or Caesar dressings, OR that other one that happens to be vegan. Yet. Vegan.

Ken's Steakhouse Peppercorn Ranch Dressing Concern (Part One - Lead Plaintiff)

2022-01-23T08:55:00.008-08:00

On the 23rd day, there was an issue...

with Ken, herein addressed by artist Emji Saint Spero.

Not so much with Ken himself, but more concerning the situation surrounding his "just alright" dressing.

Awaiting Reply.

TO BE CONTINUED...

*Disclosure: CYD has absolutely no issues or complaints concerning Ken's original Ranch, Bleu Cheese, and/or Caesar dressings. Yet.

Breakable news - The Free French!

2020-12-28T12:16:00.007-08:00

Goddamnit, today is so fucking dumb. However! Big snacks to CYD follower pal, Elaina Morgan for bringing this desperate not-headline by Michael Levenson to our attention!

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/20/us/fda-french-dressing.html

"French dressing can be easily forgotten..."
Yes, very true. Honestly, I haven't even noticed "French Dressing" since I was in short pants, and I thought "French Dressing" closed, and only Portuguese-speaking people ate at "French Dressings", nor have I tasted this substance since like, elementary school (When I spoke Portuguese?), and that can just be chopped up to a bad call at the cafeteria because I was a child = idiot. And I have never ever seen a French person use this product.

The begging question, void of answer, in this excellent article concerns this statement:
" — a sticky, sweet, carrot-colored blend..."
"Carrot-colored". Yes. But why? Why, why, why is it that colour?

So, then, I actually read the article and it said something like:
"The F.D.A. said consumers had come to expect that French dressing will contain tomato or “tomato-derived ingredients” and will “have a characteristic red or reddish-orange color.”

So then google said some bullshit like:

"And our “French dressing” wasn't French at all! ... I've always loved the reddish American “French” dressing, which is basically a French vinaigrette sauce punched up with tomato ketchup (sometimes tomato soup) and other flavorings such as Worcestershire sauce, garlic and sugar."

Then, blah, blah, blog, it's been determined at CYD, that it is ketchup, but thinner, becuz all the water, and other very stupid stuff.

While Count Yr Dressings has no real "Opinion" on this terrific article, we do support the congressional repeal of the provisions of a federal law criminalizing unauthorized use of Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl, but still frustrated over the publishing industry's lack of resolve in lobbying to absolve protective rights for the workable attribution "Choose Your Own Adventure".

*For disclosure, Count Yr Dressings has requested special membership status from the Association for Dressings & Sauces. They have not responded by the time of publication.

**Also, chose "Franch" as an unhealthy, but amusing alternative.

***Also also, fuck industry groups. I hope that does not jeopardize any opportunities for future engagement and/or money.

La Tourangelle Organic Creamy Ranch Dressing

2020-12-11T19:28:00.002-08:00

Hmm... I actually rather like this, which means this is going to be a very boring post.

Oil heavy w/ pretty swell avocado and lemon vinegar going on. Don't forget the garlic. Ever.

Also, Gluten Free, Vegan, Certifiably Organic, Low Sodium..."Artisan" (ha!), and probably a buncha other noise I don't care about.

That's it. It's good.

*U.S. ranchers! DO NOT APPLY.

Puree-ly Garbage

2020-10-14T20:51:00.006-07:00

Ya know why these are sitting on top of a trash can? Cuz that's where they're goin'! Cuz they're fucking trash!

I don't even know how this stuff came to haunt my refrigerator. (actually, becuz they were two for $2). BOLD FLAVOR?! Jah, sure, if you have the taste sensitivity of a Swiss toddler.

Cauliflower puree, tomatillo puree... that's all good and fine, puree whatever yr fucking heart desires, but give me a fucking break with the "POWER DRESSING" bit, ya dig? Healthy, sure, probably. I don't see it killing anything except my goddamn salad!

Also, STOP using classic salad dressing names for shit like this. That's not ranch, and that's not Italian, and you fucking know it. If yr so damn clever with weird appropriations of vegetable matter, then surely there's someone on yr fantastically food fuel focused team that can easily dream up some super obnoxious names for yr game!

Please spare the time-tested traditional tags the indignity of having their names marred for the sake of shelf recognition... actually, just spare me.

not so concealed carry

2020-07-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

she strapped.

her valley is not so hidden, nor properly refrigerated (pretty sure that's an open container).

nice tassels without hassles.

(wear a mask)

someone give this gal a ticket. for any of the above. or below.

nicely shared to cyd by ms. chelsea rector.

packin' ranch.

Faux-PA!

2020-04-10T11:05:00.003-07:00

Recently found myself, yet again, with another hoof-snookering Litehouse product in my refrigerator. And yes, once again, because it was on sale. Such a tired process, but if didn't do this, I'd have to start writing more positive reviews...

So here we have OPA's Tzatziki Ranch Greek Yogurt Dressing.

Ok, so with a grain of self-isolated compassion, this isn't AS tired date as other Litehouse products or yogurt dressings I've dealt with before. Though the tzatziki is only there in spirit, and the ranch thing... well, it's fucking yogurt, but ok for one spinached-up bowl, if you doll it up with more flavorful distractions.

Still, on the whole, it's not good. I definitely did not exclaim "OPA!", but on the second attempt, I did feel like smashing a plate... alas, NOT in the intended celebratory attitude. Maybe as I was eluding to, useful a base. If desperate.
*Not terrible w/ cucumbers.

And another note for clarification... As I've often expressed my distain for yogurt dressings, this largely only applies to bottled, store bought varieties. I have enjoyed many homemade and tasty restaurant offerings. There is just something about the mass produced selections that wrings out a residual aftertaste, something akin to what i recall about diet sodas. At the market, the word yogurt on the label is at best a cause for hesitation, but often simply a non-starter.

Visit their official website to discover more of their disgustingly generic products, which unfortunately, some of you may enjoy!

What the fuck, Girard's?!?!

2020-03-28T18:09:00.001-07:00

Fuck this noise.

[Some readers] Everyone [may recall] knows Pierre Girard's Champagne dressing has forever been probably my flavourite over-the-counter grabs EVER! (Some of the other varieties are pretty good too). One of the key elements to the brand's appeal has forever been it's distinctive triangular bottle...

ºsmilesº

...and...so....

WTFUCK!? ?! ! WHY CHANGE IT? ? ! !? ?

≥not smile≤

😊 - Triangle = Taser Factory - 👍

😡 - Square = Tired Date - 👎

Why?!?! Now instead of the poser sophisticated charm of the triangularly-based vessel we knew and loved, we find ourselves with this dumbass skinny, square tower thing. Totally tired date.

For some answers, I checked out Ardagh Group, the team they turned to to "refresh" the design. Argadgh proudly implicate themselves in this bullshit travesty, and highlight such reasoning as...
- "...it is more efficient and increases shelf holding power at retailers by 33%..."
- "...optimized for manufacturing, filling and packing..."

I don't give a fuck about the retailers or the manufacturers! Destroy a (the) standout, if not near iconic, elements of one of, if not the only reasonably priced, not gross, store bought dressings on the market just so you can fit a few more bottles on the shelf?

(unsolicited answer) No.

and I know I'm alone in saying that that now abandoned bottle design was huge in the whole Girard's experience - more so than the actual contents.

Just another item on the "Fuck This" list for Girard's, T. Marzetti, Aradagaha Group...

Thanks for ruining one of my favorite OTC dressings.

Fucking squares.

*swear it even tastes different now. lost charms.

Is it chopped salad, or is it cole slaw?

2019-04-29T16:35:00.002-07:00

As a rule, I never buy bagged salad kit things. Equally as a rule, when the price is right, I sometimes ignore certain rules. Usually to my disappointment. Enter Taylor Farm's Avocado Ranch Chopped Salad Kit...

* i don't always keep bags of salad in the shower, but when I do I choose Taylor Farms...

It appears that Taylor Farms has taken it upon themselves to expand the "chopped salad" genre to now include vaguely cilantro'd up, DIY cole slaw with a hint of avocado flavoring.

Whether cole slaw fits in the chopped salad category is question for the ageless.

So, everything went down as the god's intended, and now have yet another review of a lackluster salad product.

*The leftover lettuce did not get brown and weird 24 hours after opening, so have to give props on that.

The Ides of March...

2019-03-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED THAT I DIDN'T THINK OF THIS FIRST!!

Also, that I'm only seeing this now.
Fuck you, Brutus.

Chicken hungry says: "Chicken hungry"

2019-02-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

Chickens.

The little ones I call "chik chiks", I like them. The big ones I call "chickens", and they terrify me. Fears aside, when I discovered that some pals in the neighborhood (specifically one 5-year-old yard chef named P) were preparing fresh salad for their stable of chickens, I had to learn more.

P was unwranglable for commentary at this time, but fortunately her representative, and mother, Sandy, was kind enough to respond...

Sandy- Our daughter has been making "salads" for a couple years with yard clippings... we just got these chickens and it occurred to me that we now have real customers for her salads!

Jeremy- At yr home, is this referred to as chicken salad, just salad, or something else? Also, not to be grotesque, but there is no chicken or egg in the chicken salad, correct?

S- It's chicken salad because it's salad for the chickens... no chicken or egg included.

J- Ok, so chickens like salad? I could totally see them going crazy for croutons, but admittedly, I do not know that much about chickens.

S- Chickens love greens. They are also hunters of bugs and mice but love grains and greens as well.

J- Any dressing? If not, if you guys could pair a dressing with this, what might it be?

S- No dressing, but if we did it might be minced mealworm with a dash of avocado oil... but not much, too many fats are bad for their chicken innards.

J- Do the chickens have any personal reviews they'd like to add?

S- Personal reviews: Love: Spinach, kale, chard, dandelion, grass, sourgrass, mostly any weedy type thing that is growing in front yard.

J- Do the chickens have names? Are any of them mean? I have a recurring dream about a mean chicken.

S- Terribly sorry for your chicken nightmares, but they do have crazy eyes. And crazy eye totally warrants nightmares. Doubly sorry that its recurring. All of our ladies, as we call them, are friendly. Some dont mind being cuddled and held while others you need to have strategy and read their body language in order to pick them up.

Names:
First three: Fire (top lady), Brighty (both Rhode Island Reds), and Scout (a Barred Plymouth Rock).
Second three: Althea (Grateful Dead song), Sophia (a name P liked), and Pio (means cheep in Spanish). Althea, Sophia, and Pio may be Orpingtons (Buff and Black). But not sure, thats our guess. First three came from guy on craigslist, second three came from North Central Animal Shelter.

Brighty and Scout

Only time they got out was to venture to neighbors yard that is now filled w greens. Had to block a hole in the fence, now they just stare at the the literal green grass on the other side of the fence. Sorry ladies.

Terrific project and compliments to the chef!

Now feeding chocobos in Final Fantasy totally makes sense.

Barnyard pop-up shop coming soon?

Holiday Special

2018-12-22T23:23:00.000-08:00

THIS is the best use of ambrosia salad I have EVER seen, way better than putting it in your mouth. Damn skippy, and word to Rob Hessler for once again tuning my ear to where the action's at!

My mind goes in way too many directions when considering this gift wrapping alternative... I'll leave it to your imagination.
However! Key points here:
1. Traditional bows are probably harmful to the environment ...somehow (that's not my field), so this is terrific.
2. There are far better uses for whipped cream.
3. If you actually waste good fruit making this, then you deserve to be left with the entirety of the "dish" in your refrigerator for like 2 weeks, because nobody at your stupid fucking dinner party even touched it (If you have questions in regards to this please contact, I'll explain. Calmly).
4. Whipped cream and fruit both expire at differing, yet rather rapid paces when left out at room temperature. A good thing, bad thing? Depends on who the recipient is.
5. Seepage.

Ambrosia salad is gross, but when giving gifts, it's what's in your heart that matters most. As long as your heart isn't filled with ambrosia salad, then there is peace on earth (Not really, but just don't).
Thanks and happy holidays,
Count Yr. Dressings

Enjoy yr mold!!!

2018-07-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

Working from memeory...

OK, I gotcha... M-O-L-D.

Pop the Cork...

2017-12-18T13:16:00.000-08:00

In light of the overtly critical, and straight up negative attack tone of recent C.Y.D. posts, thought to brighten things up for the holiday seasonings, with something I actually like...

Champagne Vinaigrette.

I mean, what good can't come from champagne vinegar??

Quite versatile.

Nothing bests a good homemade recipe of course...

However, Girard's (which resides under the now mildewy corporate umbrella of Marzetti), though entirely different, still kinda has a place in my heart...

as you can see, this bottle is very, very empty.

"What would you say to some champagne?"

"Hello champagne." - Rope / Hitchcock (1948)

Tap that!

2017-11-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

Hidden Valley is seemingly boundless in it's array of dumb-ass promotions. This time targeting the ever important 18-25 male demographic, those who have yet to grow into the more refined "Ranch Fountain".

For full disclosure, I have performed 2 keg stands in my life, and I surely have several bro-bo-pals out there that still get wild with their wings... However, they know best not to arrive at this studio with those, or any other tortured, dip-able items.
Conclusion: The keg is kicked.

Dude! Brah! SPOT ME!

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

https://www.flavourgallery.com/products/hidden-valley-ranch-keg

*Thanks to Rob Hessler for calling this out for the cause!
Wash this noise outta yr head and check go out his radness in the link above!

Not in my garden...

2017-08-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

Scene: Supermarket.

Item: 1 bottle of Olive Garden Italian Dressing.

Price: $2 (plus $1 off coupon)

...and still I couldn't bring my cheap ass to buy it!
I can't remember (because it's like 20 years), but salad maybe the only okay thing this place does, however...
The thought of seeing that logo staring back at me every time I open the refrigerator was a non-starter. Regardless of price.

I'm not there, and I'm not your fucking family.

.merda.

Trader No's - "Cilantro Salad Dressing"

2017-05-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

So bored at work today that I actually looked inside the disgusting refrigerator (which as a general rule I refuse to touch) and discovered this...

Don't get me wrong, I like cilantro, but have a very strong feeling that this is probably terrible.

Dressing intuition.

Ranch-ers! REPRESENT...

2017-03-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

Well, from the looks of this new online shoppe, it appears that the valley has been discovered...

(bejeweled bottle)

That's right folks, from t-shirts to bejeweled bottles, this Hidden Valley storefront has all your ranch related needs (ahem... wants) covered. Don't forget to pick up a RANCH FOUNTAIN for your next terribly disgusting dinner party!

(bottle coozie)

Right. I'm not a ranch hater or lover. I appreciate the love and dedication that whoevers the fuck put into this.

Then!!, from this article on Delish, I learned that March 10th is "National Ranch Day", so now I'm pissed and retract anything nice I might have said about ranch.

If any dressing deserves a holiday, it's definitely NOT ranch... maybe Franch tho? (celebrated as Thousand Island Day in Canada)??

I can see all the way through this ruse.

The valley isn't so hidden anymore.

Korean Fusion Salad Taco...

2017-03-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

Q- Is it really salad?

A- ...of course it's salad, fool!

Q- Why?

A- Because this is MY f'ing blog!

...Now somebody get me a food truck, stat.

Designed and constructed by artist Erica Ryan Stallones.

Materials: lettuce, noodles, maybe kimchi.

Dressing: pork I believe.

*My daughter needs a horse.

Gourmet Garden- Land of the free...

2017-02-23T18:52:00.000-08:00

Sooooooo. This is exactly the type of stuff I NEVER buy (esp. with a name like Gourmet Garden). But guess what...
I didn't! It was free!!

A selection of run-of-the-mill herbs (and spices) available in gel form, or "lightly" dried, found up in the salad zone at market.
I chose basil things, becuz my foreseeable menu required basil things. Label reads that it stays fresh for up to 4 months after opening, which is nice. Also says it's or-gan-ic... like I give a fuck, it was free.

1 TO 5 SCALE:
Taste= 4 (I guess... I mean it's basil)
Uses= ...multiple. (Yes, salad)
Creative Name= 0
Price= 10!

Good while it's lasting...
"Herb Hub": http://www.gourmetgarden.com/en-us/herb-hub

Saladini The Magnificent...

2017-02-02T20:45:00.000-08:00

These cardboard bounds were of little match.

From farm to table.

Then! Suddenly! Poof!

For its next challenge, defy drowning in dressing.

Overpaying customers. Step right on up.

Behold The Great Saladini.

Viola!

You Wish-Bone!

2017-01-09T18:16:00.001-08:00

Dear Wish-Bone,

To start, I found this combination of words: "Ristorante Italiano Garlic Parmesan Vinaigrette", ridiculous and ultimately kinda insulting.

However, at $1.99 a bottle I figured it would least be a good investment for the sole purpose of adding a much needed scathing review on this site.

Adding flecks of "parmesan" (cheese?) + garlic ort does not make this special or separate from the pack in any sense. I mean what's wrong with a title like: "Vinaigrette Dressing With Stuff In it".

Alas, the label reads "Authentic Italian Recipe"... surely stripped straight from the pages of the age old family recipe book of some guy who opened a Fazoli's franchise outside of Cleveland er something.

Yeah, combining water, vinegar, oil (not olive). not a new trick.

Wish-Bone, take it easy.

Stick with making ranch...

Unless you're interested in buying my "FRANCH" recipe, then yes! please contact:

Jeremy Kennedy: fmsmprc@gmail.com