Country Lilies

Green Baby ~ Cloth Wipes

2011-05-06T07:43:00.006-05:00

This will be the first of a few posts I want to do on green living, both with a baby and just around the house. Obviously, being environmentally conscious is a great reason to look for easy alternatives around the house, but it has the added benefit of saving money too. Always a good thing with a new baby!

When I was pregnant I started sewing and often had lots of scraps left over from flannel blankets I was making. I got the idea for doing cloth wipes from another mom blogger (and I can't remember which one) who was also doing cloth diapers. It is so easy and Prairie just loves them. A friend who has a baby the same age as Prairie was over one day and I told her to try the cloth wipes and wipe solution. You should have seen the smile on her little guy's face. He loved them! Prairie doesn't seem to care either way, so I'm sticking with my plan of going the cheaper route!

Here's the basic recipe and idea...

Collect scraps of flannel and sew pieces together. Obviously, what they look like and how you sew them are of little importance. I mean...look at what they're being used for!

You will also need an empty spray bottle:

And some chamomile tea:

Steep the tea for about 5 minutes in hot water:

Pour one cup of the steeped tea into a measuring cup along with another cup of cool water:

Pour the mixture into the spray bottle and you're ready to go! Some people say that a couple of drops of tea tree oil (a natural disinfectant) can be added to the mixture as well. I never do simply because I have pets and if they somehow get a hold of one of the wipes, tea tree oil can make them very sick. I also sometimes use the solution and a cloth to wipe Prairie's face and don't want that oil near her mouth. Totally up to you though!

Once I've used a wipe and cleaned up a mess I toss it in a laundry basket and wash with the rest of the laundry. If you're doing cloth diapers, simply toss the wipes in whatever container you store the dirty diapers in. If you are lucky (unlike me) and don't do laundry every day, you may want to put them somewhere separate - a small metal garbage can works perfectly - until you're ready to do laundry.

Disposable wipes are not only bad for the environment, but also costly. Every little bit of savings helps!

Here we go!

2011-05-03T12:41:00.002-05:00

It seems that it is often feast or famine in my world. There is no happy medium. There is either nothing going on and I'm so very bored, or there is way too much going on and I need to make list after list just to keep track of everything!

As always, this is shaping up to be an incredibly busy summer. There is yard work to do - I'm a freak in that I LOVE yard work. Bring it on! There are friends and family to visit with...yay! There is a beautiful daughter to play with each and every day. There is her first plane ride to look forward to (or fear if she screams through the entire flight)! And then, there is writing!

The Divine Miss Tova graciously asked me to be part of her "Muchness" challenge and to guest blog on her site. Sooo...I've taken up the challenge! Watch my 30 day journey to find my "muchness" here.

Don't worry, I'll still be blogging here about all the other goings on!

Speaking of which, heading back outside to do yet more work. Does anyone else get this excited at the idea of digging a flowerbed? It seems most kids grow out of the "playing in dirt" phase. For some reason I never did. Pictures to come soon!

Making over me

2011-04-28T08:49:00.004-05:00

Well this is definitely not getting off to a great start! I'm trying, honestly I am! However, Ash decided to jump start our (he needs to lose weight too) diets with a cleanse.

Don't get me wrong. I think a cleanse is a great idea and I wholeheartedly believe in them. What I don't like is the fact that minus the black walnut hull tincture and wormwood pills (don't ask!) I basically did a cleanse while pregnant. I've just started to get my freedom back in that area and I LOATHE giving it up again.

In a proper cleanse, there is no caffeine, no alcohol, no sugar (natural sugars are fine), no smoking (if you smoke), and tons and tons of water. I don't have a problem with giving up sweets. Luckily I've never really had a sweet tooth. Except when I was pregnant. The alcohol thing...well, yes, I'd like a glass of wine or a cold beer, but realistically, it's not that big of deal for me to give it up for three weeks. Drinking tons of water? No problem! The one that is absolutely 100% killing me is the no caffeine. Without my morning coffee I wander around the house forgetting what I'm doing and bumping into things. Not to mention how cranky I am.

At this point I don't even care if I've lost any weight or not. I just want my coffee! I did weigh myself at the start of the cleanse (ouch!) so I have my starting weight. I was going to weigh myself once a week, but I think I'm going to skip it this week as I would be incredibly disappointed if I hadn't lost anything. Each Friday I'll weigh myself, so hopefully next week I'll see some changes.

Since I'm on the food and diet topic, looks like there's another bread lover in the family!

In Touch With The Much ~ I've been inspired!

2011-04-26T10:08:00.002-05:00

So over the last couple of months, both on my facebook and on my support board there has been a lot of discussion about "muchness." What is "muchness"? It's getting back (or staying) in touch with that little thing each and every day that puts a spring in your step and a smile on your face.

For many of us baby loss mothers, we lose our "muchness". It gets swallowed up in the pit of grief and despair that takes over our lives. Getting back in touch with the "much" is part of the healing process. A way to reclaim our lives - altered though they may be.

So where did this all start? With the divine Miss Tova. You can check out her muchness blog here to see how many people she has inspired.

She has definitely inspired me! 21 months after losing Kaycie I am ready to move forward and get the "much" back! Which begs the question...what is the "much" in my life? For the divine Miss T, it's sparkles. Lot's and lot's of colour and sparkles. I got to thinking about my friends and family. I think my beautiful sister would say her "muchness" is horseback riding. A day that she doesn't ride feels incomplete to her. For my amazing best friend, I think her "muchness" would be running. Her chance to be alone with her thoughts and music and let everything go for a couple of hours. (Although I'm sure she would also say that a great pair of shoes runs a close second in the "muchness" department.)

My "muchness"...that's got to be decorating, renovating, and most importantly, landscaping! I've always loved makeover shows and home makeover shows even more so. Taking something run down or in desperate need of a fix and making it "much" more again! So I have a few projects in the works.

1. A front flower bed. This will follow in a future blog post, but the front yard is in desperate need of a fix!

2. The back deck. Don't even get me started on what the previous owners had done to it. Again, more pictures to come!

3. Me. Yuck...yup, I need a makeover! Not so much in the clothes, makeup, and hair departments, but I need to lose this baby weight in order to really get back to my "muchness"! (Doubtful that pics will follow of this one, but you never know!)

Stay tuned as I spend the summer getting back in touch with my "muchness!"

Winter Babies (Alternately titled: Google is my enemy)

2011-04-21T13:07:00.004-05:00

So somehow in the last 10 years of my life I've forgotten the art of figuring out things on my own. It's quite common to hear me say: "Google it." As I'm sure it is for many people. Don't know how to tie a tie? Google it. Need to unplug a sink and don't have any Drano? Google it. While this is great in many aspects, it can also be the complete downfall of someone like me who researches things to excess.

The last couple of days spring has actually started to (finally!) arrive here. I've started taking Miss P out in her stroller every afternoon for some fresh air for her and exercise for me. Of course, since she was born in October we spent most of the winter holed up inside. Needless to say, the very bright sun has been causing some squinting for her. Yasmin's boys were both born in the winter as well and she mentioned that this is very common for winter babies. They're not used to the bright lights etc. So...I decided to Google "winter babies."

Wow, was that a mistake! According to some studies (I don't know which ones, I glanced but wasn't really reading), winter babies do worse in life, blah blah blah. Then there were stories that winter babies are larger and healthier than summer babies. Who knew there was such a debate on when kids were born! Seriously, google it for yourself if you're that bored. Google can be such a blessing and such a curse at the same time!

In actuality, I googled the wrong thing. What I really need is some cute baby sunglasses for Miss P. Quickly realizing my error I redid my google search for "baby sunglasses" and look what I found...

Are they not the cutest!?! They're called Babybanz. Definitely ordering a pair of these today. We're ready for summer (and they'll totally match her wetsuit).

I'm Back!

2011-04-05T09:28:00.003-05:00

Life is finally settling into a routine and I am ready to get back to blogging. Both for my own sanity and to keep my friends and family updated on mine and Prairie's life.

As many of you know, I set my blog to private for awhile. I needed the time and privacy in order to get used to having a newborn and do some emotional healing. In addition, I had an influx of emails from some ~~crazy~~ very nice ladies who seemed to take exception to my opinion. That's all well and good, but please remember that this blog is mine. My opinions, my life, my situation. If you have a problem with what I write, feel free to write your own blog (which I'm sure I won't read).

If you have a problem with the decisions I made regarding Kaycie, feel free to keep your opinions to yourself. I'm not going to post any comments that call me a murderer or in any way negate the horrific decision that too many of us have to make. I've said it before and it is worth repeating: Unless you have had a doctor look you in the eyes and say "I'm sorry, your baby's diagnosis is incompatible with life." You have no right to discuss what you "might" do.

One last quick note...after reading the first 15 emails/comments calling me a murderer, I did a mass delete. If you left me a comment that was supportive and/or had a legitimate statement in it, I sincerely apologize for not reading it. A few bad apples truly did spoil the barrell.

Now that that is cleaned up, moving on to better and brighter days! Can't wait to catch you all up on life and get back to the rambling thoughts that roll through my head on a daily basis!

Quick Thanks

2011-01-31T08:49:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone!

Life has been crazy lately as I try very very hard to get Prairie into a schedule. However, just wanted to send my sister a huge "THANK YOU!" for the awesome banner she did for this blog. It looks great sis!

Prairie and I have a big trip coming up to Edmonton at the end of this week but I promise to have another post up before we leave :)

Prairie's Birth Story

2011-01-18T09:17:00.004-06:00

Prairie's birth story actually begins the day before she was born on Saturday, October 30, 2010. I had gone to the city to do some shopping, run some errands and do some visiting. I was supposed to stay in the city for longer than I actually did, but I was exhausted and just wanted to get home. By the time I got home that evening, my back was aching and I just felt generally "blah." Crashing at 11:30pm I figured I would feel better in the morning.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I woke up at 2:30am due to some mild cramping. Obviously it wasn't that mild if it woke me up, but I say mild because it was nowhere near as painful as my PMS cramps. I tossed and turned and fell back asleep until 5:30am. This time when I woke up I noticed that the cramps were coming quite regularly. I shrugged it off and decided to get up. Puttering around the house working on a secret project I kept one eye on the clock. At 9:30am I mentioned to the Sperm Donor that they were coming quite regularly. I decided to shower and see if that stopped them.

In the shower they appeared to stop so I just assumed it was Braxton Hicks and settled down to chat with the Sperm Donor as he played a video game. I kept asking him for the time and the cramps were consistently 5 mins apart. I was slowly thinking this may be it, but didn't want to go to the hospital in false labour. At 11:30am I went to the washroom and noticed some blood. Panic quickly set in. With shaking hands I threw some clothes into a bag, the dogs into the car and told the Sperm Donor I was heading into the city to get checked out.

Many people have asked me why I didn't have the Sperm Donor drive me in. The simple answer is that he tends to be...a drama queen (for lack of a better term). He was already saying things like "you can't be in labour" and "it's too early." The last thing I needed was to hear that for the entire two hour drive! As the cramps/contractions were still bearable I had hopes that I could make it to the city. I figured worst case scenario I stop in one of the towns along the way that had a hospital.

Shortly into the drive the contractions moved to 2-3 minutes apart. That's when I knew that this was probably it. They were getting a little more painful, but were still bearable. I called my sister and Y to give them a heads up. Both said exactly what I needed to hear. They didn't panic, just asked to be kept updated.

I made it to the city and was still feeling moderately OK. I met up with my dad and gave him the dogs to take care of then continued on to the hospital. Walking into the emergency room I think I gave the security guard a panic attack. He took one look at me (walking in mid contraction) and shoved a wheelchair at me saying "sit in this." Really, I would have preferred to stand and walk around, but decided to not force the issue. They rushed me through the admitting process and while they were finishing up the paperwork, I had an interesting exchange with the male admitting clerk. He asked me how I got to the hospital and I explained I drove myself in from out of town. He arrogantly informed me "you can't be in labour then. If you were, there is no way you would be able to drive yourself." Yup, I showed him!

Y and my mom met me at the hospital and I was quickly hooked up to some monitors. The doctor arrived to check me and informed me I was 4-5cm dilated and fully effaced. Baby girl was coming and coming quickly! This was at 3:15pm. Y called the Sperm Donor to let him know I was in labour and he had better start driving. How I would have loved to listen in to that phone call! My sis also got in her vehicle and started driving (a 6 hour drive). I was moved to the delivery room and once again hooked up to monitors. As I was progressing so quickly, the room quickly filled with a ton of people asking me all kinds of questions.

As I was 33 weeks and 3 days gestation I asked the doctor what I was looking at in terms of survivability. Although I knew it was pretty good, I just needed the reassurance. She told me "as of 32 weeks, they're as good out as they are in but she may have a short stay in the NICU." That instantly made me feel better and I was ready to get down to the business of delivering my rainbow baby!

At 5:30pm my water still hadn't broken so they broke it for me. One word...OUCH! I had wanted a natural labour and had so far turned down all pain medication. Y was doing a great job keeping me focused and relaxed. Thanks for the 45min straight shoulder rub Y!!!

At 6pm things were starting to get dicey. Baby girl's heart rate was dropping during each contraction. There was a cord wrapped somewhere and the doctor's couldn't reach it. By 7:30pm they told me I had one hour to get her out naturally before they took her by c-section.

Shortly after that my body started pushing involuntarily. I had absolutely no control over it. They checked me again and although I was 9-10cm dilated, I still had an anterior lip that needed to move. I took an epidural at that point to stop the involuntary pushing. Shortly after that I was ready to push and I think I only had to push through two or three contractions. They did use the vacuum and forceps however.

At 8:11pm, my beautiful little girl entered the world! She was whisked across the room by the NICU team so they could check her breathing. Thankfully we heard her cry fairly quickly. I was even able to hold her for a minute or so before they took her down to the NICU. A quick shower, room change, and sandwich for me and we were told we could go to the NICU to see our daughter. I think I was still in shock that she had arrived...on Halloween...on the anniversary of Kaycie's first EDD (estimated due date). So surreal! Added to all of this, the Sperm Donor's brother's girlfriend also had her baby 45 mins after me. Cousins born 45 minutes apart!

So much of that day is a blur. I wish I could remember it more clearly, but ultimately the only thing that mattered to me was that my rainbow baby had arrived safely. The rest was icing on the cake.

There are no words strong enough to convey my feelings of being able to hold my daughter for the first time. I was flooded with emotions. Joy of welcoming her, mingled with sadness and grieving for my angel daughter Kaycie. Each day is a miracle that I celebrate and treasure. I will never take these little moments for granted. Thank you Kaycie for another gift you have given me...your sister and gratitude for everything in my life!

Everybody's got a story

2011-01-17T08:02:00.002-06:00

I know I still need to post Prairie's birth story as well as a few other posts before I can get to posting about our every day life but there are still a few things that I need to get off my chest.

I've been following this blog for some time now. This woman was due to have her baby around the same time as I was due to have Prairie. Instead, she had her daughter at the end of September. A micro-preemie ie: one who decided she didn't need a third trimester. Still in the NICU, they're hopeful they'll get to go home some time in February. Prairie and I only did 16 days in the NICU, and that was more than enough for me so I can only imagine how she feels about being there for months! In her blog she speaks very honestly about watching other parents take their babies home and the obvious feelings of frustration and jealousy she has over that.

I completely understand. I get it. However, I can't help but wonder what she would of thought of me had she seen me in the NICU. I very likely would have been one of the parents she had ill feelings towards simply because of my child's gestational age. (Her words, not mine) My point is this....everybody's got a story. Yes, we only did 16 days in the NICU and yes, Prairie was very fortunate to be healthy and just need to grow before we could go home. But that doesn't erase what happened to Kaycie. For me, the NICU was a step up. At least my daughter was here, alive, and had a fighting chance! That in itself was such a huge blessing that it allowed me to better cope with the NICU. The average person seeing me there would never know the devastating loss I've endured. It is so easy to sit back and have negative feelings towards someone because you view them as "lucky".

You never know if that grocery store clerk, taxi driver, or countless other people you encounter on a daily basis are going through something extraordinarily devastating in their personal life. Be kind, be patient, and remember..."everybody's got a story that would break your heart."

A long road home

2011-01-05T07:43:00.005-06:00

May 2008 I made the decision to go off the pill. I decided I was at an age that if I wanted to have a baby it was now or never. I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant, just not preventing.

Two pregnancies, a major move, and 30 months later I finally brought home a healthy baby. What a journey. I can't believe that it was over two and a half years ago - almost three - that I decided to "not prevent." It feels like a lifetime ago. I've done alot of thinking about the journey and, if given the chance, would I go back and change it all. Not go through with it. Obviously the answer is no. If I did that I wouldn't have all I learned from Kaycie and I wouldn't have Prairie. It was definitely a long tough road though. One that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I found the following poem and adapted it to fit my situation:

A Mother's Oath

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will understand more.

I will understand more not because of genetics, or luck or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have sat in the NICU and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her and that I am not waking from another nightmare of what could happen or because I am crying tears of fear of the unknown.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that my previous loss has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by a fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown (adapted by me)

Sometimes, success in life can only be determined by whether or not you survived.

...from saying goodbye to Kaycie

...to a high-risk pregnancy

...to a 6 week early delivery of a preemie and over 2 weeks in the NICU

...to finally bringing home a healthy baby

...I have survived.

Never Say Never

2011-01-04T09:19:00.006-06:00

It has been so long since I've posted anything and I really need to do ALOT of catching up! However, before I start posting about my current life and everything that has gone on in the past two months, I just need to get something off my chest.

When I first got pregnant with Kaycie, I joined an online group of mothers all expecting around the same date. It was fun to read about everyone else's journey and know that many of them faced the same issues and questions. However, after losing Kaycie I realized that I no longer belonged there. During my pregnancy with Prairie, I definitely did not belong there. I mean really...I just couldn't care about types of strollers or whether to formula feed or breast feed. I had much more important concerns. At first, I didn't even go near that particular website. However, as I got more and more positive news about Prairie I started to check in on it. I rarely posted but I read along.

The one day I did post it was after a group of women were discussing prenatal testing and ultrasounds and whether or not to do it. There was, of course, the uber-pious types who self-righteously proclaimed "I would NEVER have an abortion, so why test or have an ultrasound?" Needless to say, this irked me beyond belief. I posted my story and basically told them all to kiss my ass. Not nice, I know. But they ticked me off! Most of them fell all over themselves saying: "well, of course, that is a different story." etc etc.

Anyway, I recently went back and read up on the ladies birth stories to see how everyone else was doing. What I read broke my heart. One woman (who declined testing) found out at birth that her baby had serious heart problems and had to be air lifted to the nearest children's hospital. Luckily, her baby will be ok after receiving heart surgery. "Lucky" being a relative term.

Another woman wasn't so "lucky." Her son was born right on schedule and was over 8lbs. However, after a few hours, they noticed he was having seizures and problems breathing. They started running tests and what they found was devastating. This baby is completely "brain dead" in her words. He will never have any quality of life. In a hospital 6 hours away from where they live, they had to make the decision to remove him from life support and "let nature take its course." While I'm devastated for her, I can't help but wonder if the doctor's would have been able to find the problems using tests.

My point? Even if you would "NEVER" have an abortion, prenatal testing is important. If, for no other reason than you can be prepared. Have the doctors and hospital in place that can deal with your particular situation. Knowledge is power and while ignorance is bliss, burying your head in the sand will serve no purpose.

Pregnancy Survival Guide

2010-10-29T11:35:00.005-05:00

Well, here it is...my guide to (so far) surviving pregnancy. I'm sure there will be more to add yet, but this is a good start!

1. Pregnancy Survival Skill: How to pick up a dirty sock off the floor

Spread your legs slightly past hip width apart and make sure you have something sturdy to hold onto like the back of a chair. Proceed to squat downwards slowly in front of the object you are trying to grab. If you become short of breath, tired, or the target does not seem to be anywhere within reach, relax, lower yourself to the floor and yell for help.

2. Eat whatever you can hold down, or whatever sounds good to you.

Babies are the perfect little leeches and will drain whatever they can from what you eat. While it's a great idea to stick to the recommended diet, if there's a day where all you want to eat are grape Popsicles, embrace it!

3. Get a "good night's" sleep whenever you can.

On that note, time permitting, sleep whenever you can. Listen to your body, it knows what to do. If you can't sleep and try to force it you will only become more frustrated. Trust me, you can find plenty of interesting things on the Internet at 3am.

4. It's ok if you don't get cravings like people think you should. Not every pregnant woman wants to eat dirt, pickles, or peanut butter.

5. Enjoy the pregnancy "so cute" comments while they last. Once the baby arrives you're just another woman with a screaming child.

6. Don't freak out if you have weird sex dreams about your 60 year old neighbour or your old gym teacher. It comes part and parcel with being pregnant. If you're too scared to go back to sleep, see #3.

7. Feeling your baby move will be one of the most surreal moments of your life. Seeing it move is even more surreal. Enjoy every second!

8. Fibre is your best friend. 'Nuff said.

9. Your nose will become your worst enemy. You will smell things from miles away and for hours after it's gone. Find the one scent that doesn't irritate you and keep it close by. (Think t-shirt or piece of cloth with a nice relaxing essential oil sprayed on it.)

10. And finally...

Perception

2010-10-28T09:37:00.008-05:00

An email from my dad got me thinking this morning. Why do we all rush through life at such a fast pace? Are we really that anxious to get to the end? I've spoken often about the gifts that Kaycie gave me during her short time. The most important of which, I think, is appreciation. Appreciation for the little things in life. The moments.

I no longer worry about being late for work, hurrying to the grocery store, or even being late to meet a friend. If something catches my attention I'm going to stop to appreciate it. Schedules can be shifted, text messages can be sent, but that moment...the one I'm stopping to appreciate...will only be there for that moment. It's a gift in time and one that I don't plan on squandaring.

Here is a copy of the email. Definitely an interesting read!

In Washington DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later:

The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the DC Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

*In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . .

How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

For the rest of my life I vow to always make time for those moments. It's Kaycie's gift to me and I refuse to throw it away.

Fire and Ice

2010-10-16T11:13:00.008-05:00

So here is my confession of the week. I don't go to church, so this is the closest I get to confessing my sins!

I've been known to have a bit of a temper. *Gasp* Shocker, I know, to those who know me best. Luckily, it takes alot to set my temper off. During normal relationship fights and general fights, my temper is like fire. It burns hot and quickly, but also dies quickly. Especially if no one fans it! The bad part of my temper is when my anger turns from fire to ice. In fact, I think the picture below even resembles what I look like when I get truly mad!

The icy part of my temper rarely, if ever, goes away. It's the part that allows me to hold a grudge. Sometimes for a lifetime. I blame my heritage. I'm part Scottish, and as we are well aware, the Scots can hold a grudge for a very, very long time. Years ago I remember speaking to my Grandfather (who was a Scotsman through and through) about Sean Connery accepting the Knighthood from Queen Elizabeth. Never have I seen my Grandpa so upset. In what only could be described as a Scottish burr my Grandpa proclaimed: "No true Scotsman would ever kneel before the English Queen!" He was livid and refused to watch any Sean Connery movies after that. Just goes to show that I come by my grudge-holding honestly!

In my day to day life, up until this last year there is, I think, only one person who has earned the icy, grudge-holding side of my temper. My ex-brother-in-law. Him and I never got along well to begin with, and once he cheated on my sister...well, it was over! She may be able to forgive and move on, but for me, no one hurts my sister and gets away with it! Anyway, I realized this week just how truly cold that side of my temper can be.

The Sperm Donor and I are both Aries. Known for being stubborn, head strong, opinionated and short tempered you can only imagine what it was like when two fire signs decided to fight. Of course, that same passion that went into our fighting also transferred to the bedroom. The fighting may have been intense, but so was the making up :) My fiery temper will only turn to ice once I've been truly deeply wounded, or if someone I'm loyal to has been truly deeply wounded. If you are standing in my way when it happens, the coldness of my words can sting and freeze as much as the cold air on a winter's morning. I've always lived by the motto "the pen is mightier than the sword." I've learned to use my words well, and to their utmost effectiveness. If I'm in "icy stage anger," every word is thought out, calculated, and delivered to its full force. No it's not pretty, no, I'm not proud of it, but like I said, it's confession time.

There's a guy at work who has taken to spoiling me the entire time I've been pregnant. There is absolutely nothing romantic about it. He's happily married with a couple of kids of his own. He's just one of those guys who thinks that a woman who is pregnant deserves to be spoiled. He's brought me little treats usually once a week. Either from himself or from his wife. Since this started I've been jokingly referring to him as my "boyfriend."

Anyway, the Sperm Donor and I were having a casual small-talk conversation the other night. Nothing bitter or angry about it other than my own internal feelings towards him. I said something to the effect of "hmmmm, my work boyfriend hasn't brought me any presents this week." I've mentioned the treats and this guy to the Sperm Donor before, so the "work boyfriend" should have clued him in to who I was talking about. The Sperm Donor didn't say anything for a minute, then said: "When you say 'boyfriend' you're not talking about me right?" I don't know why, but icy bitchy me decided to make an appearance.

"You know, I use alot of words to reference you, and 'boyfriend' is definitely not one of them." Followed by the ever-so-effective hair flip and walk away. And that's when I realized it. The Sperm Donor has earned my icy anger. The grudge-holding-for-years anger. The scary thing (for him) is that that is how I reacted when it was just me and him. Can you imagine how I'm going to react if he ever does anything to hurt our child?!? Even if it is inadvertent...God help him. Make my daughter cry? Earn the wrath of Keri! I honestly don't think he has any clue what he's in for. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Wave of Light ~ October 15th

2010-10-15T09:11:00.006-05:00

Today is a special day...an important day. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

15.6% of all pregnancies end in loss yet this is still such a taboo subject. Only by speaking about it and encouraging others to speak up can we find support in one another. There are many grieving parents in the world, and today is a day to come together.

A great site has been started to bring together grieving families on this important day. You can check out their website here.

"Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss, know what to say, do, or not say, not do and to help families live with their loss, not 'get over' their loss."

This website started the following grassroots movement that is slowly catching on all across the world. I encourage everyone who has lost a baby themselves, or knows someone who has to take part. United in grief we find love and strength.

Wave of Light for October 15th

Everyone is invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in ALL time zones, ALL over the world.
If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

These candles burn in loving memory of our babies.

RANT!

2010-10-14T15:33:00.003-05:00

Originally this was going to be a "poor me" rant, but I've talked myself down over the last few minutes and put on my big-girl boots. Now it'll just be a bitchy rant :)

I am fucking tired. There I said it. I would love to curl up in bed and sleep for a week. That's not an option, hence the big-girl boots. I have a long list of things that need to get done and I was hoping to get some help with them and after the week I've had, that doesn't appear to be happening so it's time to just do it all myself. Here's the list:

1. Sand the ceiling in the bedroom. I had mudded it, but was having troubles balancing on a ladder and using the sander so I asked the Sperm Donor to finish it. He said he would (two and a half weeks ago). So now it's time to get it done myself.

2. Once the bedroom is sanded it is time to prime and paint it. I'm hoping this one won't take me more than a weekend, but I'm moving a little slower now, so we'll see!

3. Clean out the area underneath the stairs. The bedroom is small, so in the interest of saving space I'm moving my dresser to the area under the stairs. Unfortunately, when we moved in, this turned into a storage area so I need to flatten the boxes for recycling and throw out a whole bunch of packing material, styrofoam, etc.

4. Clean up the backyard and get it ready for winter. This one shouldn't be that bad since it's merely dumping some dirt out of the pots and loading everything into the garage for winter storage. The doggie-do that needs to be cleaned up...*sigh* bending over is the problem with that one!

5. Fix water spout on downstairs bathtub. When it's turned on, half the water comes out the shower head and half comes out the tap. Obviously this is not conducive to taking a bath (which is all my aching body is screaming for) so it's got to be fixed! I did some trouble shooting online and apparently removing the tap and soaking it in hot water and vinegar for 24 hours should fix it. I'll try that first since it's more economical (and easier) than replacing it.

6. Go baby shopping, go Christmas shopping, order sewing supplies, get hair done, visit with mom and dad. These ones should be the fun ones, but they all involve trips into the city, and more than one trip too. It's a 2 hour drive each way, which takes up an entire day off. Again, not a big deal except for the list above.

7. Order baby dresser, crib, glider, etc. Once they come in I am actually looking forward to organizing all the baby stuff. Doesn't every first-time mom look forward to that one?

8. If...if...IF I have time, I also need to prime and paint the living room. I would really LOVE to get that done, but if I don't, I guess I can live with it. That one would actually be easy except there is a large *ahem* hole in the drywall that needs to be fixed.

I was hoping the Sperm Donor would step up and get some of this stuff or at least help me pay for some of the baby stuff etc, but nope. Secondly, I was hoping the ex-husband would take the dogs to at least take some of the work off of me, but nope.

I realize part of my bitchiness/moodiness/anger is pregnancy hormones. Part of it is that tomorrow is an important day. Part of it is that Kaycie's first anniversary of her EDD is coming up on the 31st. I should be getting ready to celebrate her first birthday.

6 weeks from now until the beginning of December. 6 weeks to get all of the above done. Either I'll be successful, or I'll end up on bed rest. Either one is fine with me!

Follow-up and new annoyances

2010-10-08T15:32:00.003-05:00

Not sure if anyone figured it out or not, but on Wednesday I was in love with the number 3! Why? Because I officially hit the 30 week mark. I've had quite a few due dates given to me, ranging from December 11 - 15th. Erring on the side of caution I always use December 15th here. (I'd rather figure later than earlier)

So what's the big deal about 30 weeks? 85% of women give birth before their due dates. 5% give birth on their due dates and 10% give birth after their due dates. This means that in the vast majority of cases there is never a "4" in front of the number of weeks pregnant you are. Home stretch!

Today should be my Friday Funnies post, but honestly...I'm just too annoyed. I get the feeling that once I start maternity leave I'm not going to want to leave the house at all. I am so sick of people commenting on either a)the size of my belly or b)attributing everything to the fact that I'm pregnant.

Some examples:

I came back from lunch today with a slurpee only to have one of the guys say: "Oh, the pregnant girl has a slurpee...must be a craving!" Yeah, never mind the fact that it's a beautiful sunny day, plus 25 degrees C and nicer than it was all summer. Seriously. I love slurpees even when not pregnant!

Reaching for something on top of a shelf at work only to hear this: "hahaha, pretty soon you're going to need longer arms to reach in front of that belly." I'm short, my arms are short, and very few things in life are made with short people in mind. This includes shelf height! It has nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with being vertically challenged!

Ordering a sandwich at a restaurant and asking for a pickle on the side (an option available to anyone who orders a sandwich). "Gotta love those pickle cravings hahaha." No you freaking imbecile! I just like pickles on the side of a sandwich! Like probably 95% of the rest of the population!

I swear this is worse than pms. I'm about to completely lose it on someone! ARGH! Is it too much to ask that I just get through each day without being bothered? I'd be much happier if no one even mentioned the fact that I'm pregnant. Please, strangers in my life...go back to ignoring me. We'll all be a lot happier!

On the upside, it's a long weekend this weekend so Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians! Also been a good week on the rainbow front. One more rainbow baby confirmed on the way (Congrats Z!) and one due to enter the world at any minute now (Congrats Jen!). Always brightens my week to get that kind of news. Happy Friday to all and yay for short work weeks next week!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-06T09:20:00.003-05:00

Did you figure it out? Tune in tomorrow :)

Walk to Remember 2010

2010-10-05T11:49:00.014-05:00

Saturday, October 2, 2010. It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I first did this walk. Pulling up to the Legislature grounds in Edmonton I was flooded with memories. Memories of Kaycie, of my pregnancy with her, of the loss of her. Those thoughts were followed quickly by my memories of last year's walk. Of the horrible weather that so perfectly matched my mood. Of the many people I saw there and the emotions on their faces that was so perfectly mirrored by my own. Of how emotionally draining the day was and how hard it was to even be there.

This year was beautiful. The weather was beyond gorgeous feeling like a hot summer day instead of early fall. I was in a better place emotionally and more able to just be present in the moment. I imagine each year will get a little bit better. Of course it was still sad, and of course it was still emotional, but in a good way. What I took away from the day was the realization of how far I've come and how far I still have to go on this continual journey.

This year I had the immense honour of walking not only for my angel Kaycie, but also for a friend's angel, Sierra. October 2nd was Sierra's second angel day and that only added to the significance. While it may sound odd or sad to someone who isn't an angel-mother, walking for Sierra as well as Kaycie made it almost feel like my daughter had a friend. Something she never got the opportunity to experience in life. Yasmin, Tracy, and myself all released balloons for both of the angel girls and wrote them messages. I wish I had more that I could do for my daughter, but I'll take what I can get.

For the third year in a row, Kate Inglis, author of this blog, was the guest speaker. She is truly an amazing women and I encourage everyone to check out her blog. She speaks more eloquently than I ever could, so I am including her speech from this year's walk interspersed with my pictures. All words in italics are hers.

My baby died.

My baby died.

I don’t know where he is. I don’t know why.

I used to consider myself lucky. You know. Blessed. Tapped on the shoulder by some interventionist of happy fate.

I am Canadian. That’s lucky. I am a Maritimer. That’s lucky too. I’ve got the recipe for my mom’s spaghetti sauce, the kind that simmers all afternoon and makes the house smell like roasted garlic. I’ve got a little woodstove and a pile of kindling. I’ve got a farmers’ market and handmade quilts and British tea.

Lucky. I used to figure that meant being safe, being fed, being heard, being kept company.

Then I had a son, and my son was hurt by birth. He lived for a while, but not peacefully. He got worse. So they took away the ventilator

and they put him on my chest

and we waited

and we waited

and he died.

I don’t know where he is. I don’t know why.

For years I would think, everywhere I went: Ask me how many children I have. Ask me so I can tell you three, but only two. Then ask me what happened. Then ask me his name. So I can say it. And when I do, don’t look away. Look right here. Right at me. Right at him, while I say his name.

I spent a lot of time asking why me? Why does it have to be me wanting, so badly, to make a button pin to wear on my lapel that says ASK ME ABOUT MY INVISIBLE KID?

+++

Why me. It’s the ultimate unanswerable question. It’s exhausting. It makes you ache. It makes you loathe other people who, all of a sudden, seem to be every kind of lucky. Like I used to be. And I resented them for it, from this side now. The unlucky side. Peering out at them across this void and asking Why my son? Why him? Why me?

But then I woke up one day and realized: it’s not at all an unanswerable question. It’s the easiest question of all to answer. Why not me?

Then I took a breath. A very sweet, long breath. Why not?

All of us, no matter how we presume to intellectualize, or talk to a god, or reconcile, or beg, or perform, or strive to be worthy—all of us are the same. Exactly the very same. There’s a chance in the midst of that sameness that doesn’t discriminate. There’s no fault. There’s no lack of wanting. Lack of love. Lack of grace. No blame. There’s none of that. All there is... is why not?

This waking up brought me to a strange sort of humility. Accepting that nobody’s entitled. That we’re all partners in this mystery. This huge unpredictable mess of souls and longing and mistakes and laughter and tears. We’re all the same.

You might say about the rest of the world

They don’t understand.

They can’t possibly understand.

No. They can’t.

Forgive a lack of understanding.

You might say

Where are you? Where did you go?

Why?

There’s no way of knowing.

Even though you are mother, father

and you’re supposed to know these things

forgive a lack of knowing.

You might say Why us?

Twist. Why not?

Forgive this invisible parenthood.

Forgive your body.

Forgive absence.

Forgive your luck.

After a while I got kind of radical. I started to think differently about luck. If I could, would I erase it all? His pregnancy, that birth, those six weeks?

No. Never.

I pity myself for having had to go through that, for having to bear the memory of what happened to him. I pity my son for having been in pain. For never getting to taste chocolate chip cookies or sail on the ocean or get sand between his toes or fly in a plane across the world or read a book.

He is gone, but I still want him. I made him. Just as he was, just as he is.

I am Liam’s mother. What an honour.

If I twist that motherhood just a little, in the right light, maybe I gave him all that he needed, as much as I could, to some greater … I don’t want to say purpose. That’s too close to a ‘god’s plan’. That’s platitudes. That’s not what I mean. What I mean is this: there’s just so much that we don’t understand. And who’s to say that in all that we don’t understand, there can’t be something beautiful?

Humility. Setting aside all those parental instincts and entitlements. Quieting all that thrashing around at not having him safe in my house. At not tripping over his shoes.

Humility. Being okay with all this lack of knowing. With his absence. To trust in it. To surrender to it. To consider that maybe I was lucky.

I got to be Liam’s mother. I get to stand among all of you and look in your eyes and see that all of you loved a child, or the spark and potential of a child, who is not here with you. I get the company of your eyes, knowing that you know what it’s like to walk through the world with this heart that had to contain so much all at once.

We share that explosive moment during which everything we know in the human experience—love, rage, peace, despair, hope—existed simultaneously, right here. And it's the very same thing as a bleed on the brain. The heart doesn’t heal from being so stretched, so drowned. It can never go back to what it was. To ‘lucky’ as defined on a back of a matchbook.

You’ll never see anything the same way ever again. You'll pause where you didn’t pause before. And it won't always make you cry.

Sometimes, with time, it'll make you smile.

The world's oldest profession

2010-09-28T17:28:00.002-05:00

So what on earth am I doing writing about the world's oldest profession aka prostitution? Well, a judge in Toronto, ON has ruled that Canada's prostitution laws are unconstitutional; effectively decriminalizing prostitution in Canada. Cue the outraged conservative right and let the floodgates open!

A quick note before any readers decide to head out and get lucky tonight: the judge also placed a 30-day stay on her decision. Anticipating (wisely) that her judgment is likely headed for the Supreme Court. Needless to say this will be what we're all hearing about for the next 6 months. I wonder if any politicians will be brave enough to weigh in on the issue? Feminists and women's rights activists are divided on the issue.

I personally don't see anything wrong with it. It is one of the easiest and most lucrative ways for a woman to make money. Wait! Don't take away my feminist card just yet! Just because it's lucrative doesn't mean I'm advocating it. I think every woman should be able to make decisions for her own life. There are plenty of jobs and/or careers that I could have that would be quite lucrative. The difference being that I don't want those jobs. I could (in my younger and skinnier days) have been a stripper had I so desired. So why didn't I? Because morally it felt wrong to me. But it was my decision. If a woman wants to be a prostitute, why should society stop her?

If prostitution is legal, it can be enforced thus offering women in that profession some protection. It would keep minors away from the profession and get rid of the men who seek to take advantage of women making money in an illegal fashion.

"But it's degrading to women!" the hardcore feminists will scream. To which I simply shrug my shoulders. Sex can be powerful. In fact, sex can be a powerful weapon. Being in control of your sexuality can be empowering. And let's not delude ourselves here. Men pay for sex every single night, we just don't notice it. I asked the Sperm Donor one night if he had ever paid for sex. His response? "Not with cash." Thinking about it, it makes perfect sense. If a guy wants to seduce a woman, what does he do? Buy her drinks, buy her dinner, buy her flowers etc. Where's it all leading? This isn't the 1900's. It's leading where (hopefully) both halves of the couple want it to lead.

Taking the stigma away from prostitution, removing it from the "taboo" list and working towards a healthier mindset about sex in general is a step in the right direction. I, for one, am all for it and can't wait to hear Stephen Harper's Conservatives fumble their way through this one. Bring on the political missteps! Now...where's my popcorn?

Our First Fight

2010-09-27T09:23:00.002-05:00

Trouble Maker definitely earned her nickname last night. Although, I think my sister should take partial blame. I was talking to Tracy last night and she asked if her niece was allowing me to sleep at nights. I jokingly responded: "very rarely." She cursed me!

I went to bed at 10pm all set to get a good night's sleep before yet another week of work. Right around that time the little Trouble Maker decided to lodge herself on my right side. Head and arms pressing on my right hip and feet firmly lodged against my back. Oh. My. God. The pain! The pressure on my right hip was pinching nerves and the pain in my back felt like I had fallen down a flight of stairs.

I tried everything. There was no getting the Trouble Maker to move. I did laps around the house, I poked and prodded at my belly, I tried reasoning with her and even tried blackmailing her! "Mommy will eat that chocolate cake you've been wanting if you just move a little bit!" No such luck. I muttered under my breath, I tried stretching, a hot shower, a heating pad...nothing! On my fifth lap around the house I passed the Sperm Donor. I asked him if it was wrong to want to swear at my unborn child. He said: "yeah, probably" and even tried to help as the baby usually moves when he touches my stomach.

Eventually I just gave up and curled up in bed determined to get some sleep at least. It was now 3am and I had to be up in 3 hours! As I laid there in pain and muttering under my breath to the Trouble Maker I couldn't help but smile. As painful and tiring as it was, it beats the hell out of the alternative. Not having her causing me pain at all. How ironic that something many women would spend their Monday complaining about has actually put me in a good mood today. Even with the lack of sleep! Yet one more gift that I can thank Kaycie for.

Of course, when I woke up this morning, the Trouble Maker had moved to the middle of my belly again and was happily kicking away.

Friday Funnies

2010-09-23T16:52:00.009-05:00

Today's edition of Friday Funnies is coming right from my own house! First for a quick recap, I moved from a city to a small town last September. A definite change of pace, but one that I was ready for at that time. Fast forward almost one year to the day...

The Welcome Wagon (aka one lady looking for gossip) showed up at the door. Better late then never? Anyway, she handed me some flowers, some papers, and some gift certificates from ~~the four~~ various businesses in town. I nodded and smiled and did my best to avoid her obviously prodding questions and she soon left me alone.

This is when I started going through all the papers to see what goodies were there. Of course, I couldn't resist taking a picture of the flowers she brought me...

But wait, what is that in front of the flowers? It was a blank postcard that came with my welcome package. I guess to send to someone you forgot to tell that you moved? Let's take a closer look at that postcard shall we?

No, you're not seeing things. That is a postcard of a bunch of dead birds! Curiosity got the best of me and I flipped the card over...

Well thank goodness this is a duck and goose hunter's hunting paradise. Just what I've always looked for in a home! It honestly doesn't get much more redneck than this!

Just had to share and let you all join in the laughter of what I've gotten myself into. *sigh*

Another blanket

2010-09-23T12:05:00.005-05:00

I couldn't resist! I saw some blankets like this for sale online and thought to myself: "I can make that!" After doing some google research to figure out what the heck I was doing I went fabric shopping. I also made the mistake of looking online for fabric. I now know what is out there. My local post office is going to become overwhelmed with incoming fabric orders.

Anyway, it's the first one I've done, but I had so much fun I'm sure there will be more in the future. For a first attempt I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

Here's the front...made up of four different patterns of flannel:

A close-up of the front so you can see the "rock star" idea that I went with:

The back is done with the super-soft minky fabric again. However, this time I cut it all individually and X-stitched it to the front flannel for that quilt look:

The ruffled look on the front will only become even more ragged and soft with each washing. Here's one of the blanket all washed and folded up ready for baby:

That'll be it for new projects for about the next month. I need to catch up on some receiving blankets, burp cloths, scratch mittens and hats. I want complete sets for everything I've done so far. After that it will be on to something new. Now, what should I sew next...

Celebrating and catching up...

2010-09-23T10:19:00.004-05:00

I had initially meant to get this post up yesterday, but an impossibly slow Internet connection prevented me from doing much of anything. Ahhh, the joys of small town life.

Anyway, yesterday was one of those days where two good things happened on the same day. It was Yasmin's birthday. Happy Birthday Yaz! It hurts that I wasn't able to spend the day with her, but we have a great day planned for Saturday, so at least I have that to look forward to. It was also the day that I hit 28 weeks. Third trimester! I never thought I would get this far. I had such a feeling of peace and happiness when I woke up yesterday morning.

Another great thing happened yesterday as well. The photographer that I went to last weekend emailed me a couple of the pictures that she had taken. I still have to wait a couple more weeks for the edited final versions, but I was so happy I got to see at least a couple!

When I hired this photographer I told her about Kaycie and that I wanted the pictures to reflect the fact that I wasn't the naive, happy, pregnant person. That I am all too aware that pregnancy is a hope...a chance, not a promise, of a baby. I also wanted a couple of the pictures to represent more than just myself. I wanted them to represent all women who go through a subsequent pregnancy after a devastating loss. The fear and hope that, all too often, exist simultaneously within us. That is what these two pictures below are of. I think she did a great job.

28 Weeks:

28 weeks 1 day down, 11 weeks 6 days to go.

Pregnant me vs. Non-pregnant me

2010-09-20T11:37:00.005-05:00

For the last 27 and a half weeks there's been a battle waging. The battle between Pregnant me, and Non-pregnant me. I've got to say, up until very recently, Non-pregnant me has definitely been winning. This battle started as self-preservation. It was easier to believe I was Non-pregnant me in order to not get my hopes up too high. I've been waiting for the day when Pregnant me would take over and I think that day is coming soon.

This weekend proved that denial might not be an option for much longer. Here's how the weekend played out:

Non-pregnant me - "I'm going to get so much done this weekend! So many appointments and things to do plus some shopping and of course, house cleaning, laundry and cooking!"

Pregnant me - "Guess again sucker!"

Non-pregnant me got off to a great start at 5am on Saturday morning. Up and getting things accomplished and had my blood tests and glucose test done by 9am. Followed that with breakfast, shopping, more appointments, shopping, pictures, more running around and finally got home at 10pm.

Pregnant me was quiet all day letting Non-pregnant me lead the show. However, Pregnant me was apparently just biding her time. Sunday brought this:

Non-pregnant me - "One more day off still to get all the house cleaning, laundry and cooking done. I can probably also get some sewing done!"

Pregnant me - "Kiss my ass Non-Pregnant me. You had your day yesterday. Today is my day and we're going to sleep, watch some DVDs and sleep some more. I might allow some sewing if I get some rest first. Try any funny stuff and I'll make you so sick you'll be begging for your pillow."

Evidently Pregnant me is quite the bitch and definitely won that round. I finally had to bow to the pregnancy and admit that maybe, just maybe, I can't put in a 17 hour day and expect to feel 100% the next day. Time to huddle up with Non-pregnant me and devise a strategy. Maybe if we sneak in a little house cleaning and laundry each night during the week we can get a little bit more of the other stuff accomplished on the weekends!