Courage is Contagious

My Heart Wants What It Wants.

2014-11-18T10:55:00.001-08:00

"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head. – Henry Rollins "

Boy could I relate to this last year while going through a bad break up...wanting to hold on to a way of life I want so badly. Knowing it was going down in flames fast and my head said "Let him go" but my heart wanted to hold on. Many many nights crying myself to sleep. A few months of him pushing me away then pulling me back before I finally said enough. It was the glimpse he had given me that I was mourning for. The man and the life I dream of sharing with someone someday.

He didn't know what he wanted, I do. I want a life that is infused with LOVE, excitement, passion and joy, that basks in tender kisses and making love until dawn. That surrenders to dancing in the kitchen and music to live by. Where a good conversation by the fire is the highlight of my day. Of simplicity, quiet spaces, freedom, grace, kindness, honesty and a light spirit. I am looking for someone to enjoy life with, someone who is self-confident, but not cocky, responsible, gentle and kind. I’m looking for someone who is affectionate, playful and enjoys a good good-natured banter back and forth on occasion. I want someone that doesn’t take themselves too seriously, yet balances me. Someone who brings out the best in me, at the same time makes me always want to be better.

I want a man that is as likely to wrap his arms around me and give me a soft gentle hug as he is to knock me down and tickle me mercilessly. I like the idea of a person who can surprise me in the things they do, the things they know, or the things they aspire to become, even after I think I have learned all there is to know about them. I want to hold hands, steal kisses, have lingering glances, soft touches and whisper sweet nothings to him…basically enjoy the wonderful feeling of being in love.

Clark Gable had an old saying he said

"There is nothing more special than knowing that when you leave in the morning,

there is somebody waiting for the sounds of your footsteps"

As I learned with my weight loss if you focus on what you truly want there is nothing that you can not achieve. I believe the life I described above will be mine someday and I will have my happily ever after.

The struggle strengthens us.

2012-10-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept faith. ~Timothy 4:7~

This was a scripture that lept out at me at church sunday morning. Honestly I was sitting there irritated because the entire sermon was in regards to tithing and I was feeling like why am I here what am I supposed to get out of this, I have a millions things to do and being preached at to give them my money was not satisfying my need for a growth experience out of my visit. This was not just about asking for the weekly tithe, this was asking for the promise of a large donation to the church to be paid over a set amount of time. He was telling us to make that leap of faith and commit.

It was then that I got my ah ha moment, a little smile came over my face and I was suddenly less agitated. My mind began wandering about all the times in my life when I have leapt and relied on faith that everything will work out ok. I know sometimes those leaps I took had me free falling with my arms and legs flailing all over the place til I landed. Like having my first daughter at 14, getting married at 16, life changes, job changes, etc. Many times have I gone for it and then hoped and prayed that it would turn out ok and most times they did.

But just like everyone I have also had my times, that I prayed over and over for some relief and change the scene and got none. I felt discouraged, depressed… and impatient. Why weren't my prayers answered I thought to myself? And then I remembered something: We grow in our faith, and it takes time. The struggle strengthens us.

I get emails all the time from people that have read my story or seen my video. Asking me "How did you get started? How were you able to lose your weight? How do you keep going after all you have been through in your life?" Most are facing the same challenges I went through in their own lives. Unfortunately, I don't have the magic answer for them. I believe the reason why I have been able to persevere is that, I always try to keep a positive attitude even during the worst of times in my life, and I never give up. I believed that no matter what happened things would get better and eventually they do.

So my suggestion to you is to keep the faith! Choose to believe things will get better even when they seem like they won't. I call this faking it til you make it. Learn to bear the discomfort for a little while, remember its strengthening you. Getting to the next level sometimes requires a little discomfort. But it will happen if you just keep pushing.

During the discomfort, pray for guidance, and it will come. This will keep you strong. Temptation will swoop in and out try to mislead and falsely appease you, but pray right through it. And if you fall for it… which we all do at times…start again. Keep choosing to have faith over and over and over.

When you feel the struggle heavy on your back, bury yourself in more good thoughts. Join a support group, read some positive affirmations, put some encouraging messages where you can see them, ask for help when you feel burdened. Find and keep your happy thoughts.

Always remember the tough times will hit us, but we are living for something bigger.

Keep The Faith

If You Call Out Loud

Will It Get Inside

Through The Heart Of Your Surrender

To Your Alibis

And You Can Say The Words

Like You Understand

But The Power's In Believing

So Give Yourself A Chance,

'Cause You Can...

Climb The Highest Mountain

Swim The Deepest Sea,

All You Need Is The Will To Want It

And Uhh, Little Self-Esteem

So Keep The Faith

Its not you its me....No it really is.

2012-06-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

I've realized that I somehow slipped back into my "Queen of Denial" mode, la, la, la, la, everything is ok and its not. What I used to call my "spin cycle" has really become more like Hurricane JJ, me spinning out of control and I've been taking down people in my path. Today I got the wonderful news that I "might" be bi-polar, which makes everyone who knows me laugh because they all think I am rainbows and unicorns and don't see me slip into my oblivion. No I save that for the ones who are really close to me and shut them out by shutting down emotionally. I have become a wiz at avoiding the bad things in my life. I learned so young to kind of have my little out of body experiences, to avoid the fear and pain that was going on in my life. I can remember looking down at myself, saying you are going to be ok, its ok, it will be over soon, please be over soon. Like I was not really there, and now I am not really there. I love but I can not be loved, I for whatever reason won't let it in. I just know I have alot of healing to do, so I stop hurting those I care about.

So now here I am for the first time since I was 11 years old, on my own, truly on my own for the first time in my life. With my wandering mind, my stories, my work, my discoveries, my dreams, my relationships, and all that life encompasses. I carry baggage, as well as some wonderful blessings. I have sad stories that shaped me. I'm not yet sure where I'm going, but I am sure I'll be in the right place at the right time, and that all the wrong turns were right turns really, leading to valuable lessons I'm here to learn. I travel in search of peace within, a midst the chaos and confusion of my environment, to deliver kindness and compassion wherever there is opportunity. I'm a sightseer of beauty in the darkest corners, and a believer in love and I hope that someday I can open up and receive it. Moments of joy and friendship are the souvenirs I treasure most, and the tales of wonder fill my journal. I am an explorer of my soul, a chronicler of emotions, hoping soon to be rewarded with gratitude, and the happiness one finds on such a road.

UPDATE 11/18/14:I apparently was never Bi-Polar...just fed up. Funny how my "highs and lows" ended when my ex moved out and my emotions were no longer being manipulated.

To read the first of my blogs that explain what I am talking about read "Finding My Voice"

"A lesson in Crying"

2012-03-14T14:34:00.006-07:00

One of these days I am gonna have to go to Costco and buy my therapist a HUGE box of tissues...god knows after three years of counseling I owe her quite a few. I opened up a book in her office while I was waiting and the first story I came to was called "A lesson in Crying" It was saying how its good to cry. "Tears are the only cure for weeping" There was scripture along with it that read; There is a future day when there is no death, no crying, for all these things will "have passed away" (Rev. 21:4). There in heaven God will wipe away every tear.

The tears frustrate me, yet I know that I need to get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - the true pain. There is still that pain hidden deep inside of me, and just when I feel like I've cried all the tears I can over my past, something will hit me smack in the face and the water works begin again. Today it was a simple question that my therapist asked. She is using my life story as part of her dissertation and was asking me questions about my childhood, specifically, my parents and timing of events. She asked who I inherited my intelligence from, my mom or dad. I replied to her that both of my parents are pretty smart, but that my dad was highly intelligent and I started telling her about him, what he was like, about how meticulous he was and how he kept his garage, everything always in its place. She asked if I knew him very well and I said no not really because I spent so much time avoiding him when I was little. As those words came out of my mouth it was as if I was that little girl hiding under the covers hoping he was not going to pay me a visit again.

Then, suddenly, one small tear escaped. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture, is such a means of escape. Although it's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And I know it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything.

“I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe.

I can still love passionately without believing.

That means I love humanly.

I wept because from now on I will weep less.

I wept because I have lost my pain

and I am not yet accustomed to its absence.”
― Anaïs Nin

Feeling Naked & Finding Comfort

2011-09-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

I had one of those days yesterday! It didn't start out that way...actually just the opposite! I got up and got dressed, putting on my favorite black skinny jeans and a cute blue top, finishing it off with a great pair of heels. Looked at myself in the mirror and smiled! It was a good day...I looked and felt great about myself. I was on cloud 9! I was in a rush because normally I have to be to work at 9 only I was summoned to jury duty and HAD to show up because I forgot and missed it last month as was sent a nasty letter telling me it would be a $1500 fine if I did not. I've been summoned many times over the years but have never actually served or even gotten as far as into the courtroom. I usually just spend the day in the lounge. Well yesterday was different, I am not sure if I was on the naughty list or what, but I was called to a courtroom immediately. This is the worst possible time to be called in too as I am currently the only person available in my department. I am the Financial Director for a small Foster Family Agency and my back up is on leave. As soon as we were all sworn in the judge asks if anyone has a problem with serving and of course many of us do. He dismisses anyone who does not to go and take a break and begins going around the room asking each person what their problem was. I sat there listening to him belittle each person as he went round and then he got to me. He asked if my company paid for jury duty and I said yes for 5 days, that was actually all the case would take up, so that was not my problem the fact that there was no back up for me right now was. I explained this to him and his reply to me was: "Did I ask you if this was going to be a problem for your work? No I did not....denied!" then he told me leave and come back at 11.

When I came back is when they explained that it was on an assault case . They picked 18 people and they began asking questions. Questions about whether they had ever been the victim of a crime, or abuse or if they had witnessed any, the judge did say if you did not want to answer the questions to let them know and you could answer them in private. They questioned those 18, but had one lady who wanted to answer her questions privately. So they had us all leave the courtroom, then called us back in and released 7 of those 18, called up 7 new prospective jurors and began questioning those 7 and had one kid who didn’t want to answer his publicly so again they have us leave the room. These were questions I knew I was not going to want to answer if I was called up there. So I was praying all day they would pick the jury and let me go. We come back in and they dismiss only that kid leaving one chair to be filled. Then my worst fear happens, they call my name!

I have to go up there and be the ONLY one they are addressing and answer the questions they had been asking about whether or not I have been the victim of any kind of crime or abuse. I do not really want to have to tell what I have been through in my wonderful dysfunctional life so I request to speak in private… Again for the 3rd time in a half hour they have to clear the courtroom and then I have to tell what has happened to me to the judge, lawyers, officers, court reporters and the accused! The judge could tell by my original answers that I was the victim, so he begins by asking me if I was the victim of domestic violence and for a second I wanted to say yes because it sounded nicer then the truth but instead I told him no that I was sexually abused, he couldn't just take that as my answer no, he had to know who and when, and dig deeper into my case. Now I have come to be OK with telling people I've been abused but when it came to me having to get more detailed and to a room full of strangers I just started to panic. I was on the verge of tears but managed to hold it together while he explained to me that he was sorry for what I have been through, but that my abuse was completely different then the guy who was standing there staring at me, who had tazered someone when he broke into their house and did I understand that. I could barely mutter a yes.

They sent me out so they could talk and I have to go stand out in the hallway with all the other jurors and I stood there feeling like I was bare naked and the entire room was staring at me, then felt it happening....tears streaming down my cheeks and I tried everything in my will to get them to stop but it wasn’t working. So now even if I was imagining that everyone was staring at me when I first walked out there, they certainly were now! It was one of those ugly cries where your face gets all tweaked because you are trying to stop it. When they finally called us back to the courtroom I was still wiping my tears and could not bare to look anyone in the eyes. I felt very humiliated. Needless to say I was dismissed. I almost knocked the bailiff down running from that courtroom, I literally wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I was an emotional wreck crying all the way home. Walked into my house and went straight to the fridge. Stood there crying and staring at the food. Fighting that urge to just start a feeding frenzy. Heard those voices whispering to me....eat you'll "feel" better. Looked at the Almond Butter (it has replaced traditional Peanut Butter in our house) which would have been my comfort food before and I wanted it bad, but I knew that if I took even one spoonful I would not quit til I finished off the jar.

Then I stopped and took a deep breath reminded myself how far I have come and how hard I have worked to lose my weight. I told myself that I am not "that" scared little girl anymore. I do not need food to make me feel better! I am worthy of this body and that what I have been through in my life was only part of my life not all of it. I asked myself if I was truly hungry or was I just trying to find some comfort in a jar. I was in fact hungry so I reached into the fridge past the Almond butter and grabbed a stalk of celery instead! Yeah I came home and binged on stalk of Celery and you know what I felt good doing it too! It was a victory over food and good times and bad times are part of living. I know is difficult to fully appreciate joy until you've tasted victory. Laughter is sweeter if you have experienced tears. There may be times when I feel like I am stuck and it might not be easy to make the right choice every time....But I know it will be worth it.

Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow!

2011-09-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

If you feel yourself floundering in the sea of life, try leaning back and floating.Let yourself be supported. Gaze into the beautiful sky and allow time for your spirit to be refreshed. Then when you are feeling stronger, simply choose a direction and start swimming.

Yesterday I had "one" of those days...you know the ones where everything seems to go wrong! First So Cal Edison messed up and shut the power off at one of our offices, and of course since I pay the bills everyone assumed it was my fault, then I found out my insurance will not pay for the kind of skin removal surgery I need, which totally depressed me and made me cry all day. Crying really takes it out of you so I didn't feel like going and working out, only I remembered that working out actually makes me feel better not worse so I get in the car to go to the gym and the freeway was a parking lot! What normally takes me about 20-25 minutes took me an hour and 15 mins! When I finally get to the gym I can not get the lock for the locker to work if my life depended on it, only to find out later I was trying to open the wrong lock...imagine that two pink locks in the ladies locker room. Then the personal trainer I hired got promoted and sent to a different gym and I had to start all over with a new guy! Work out was awesome til I pulled my groin doing some kind of boxing and ducking thing with my personal trainer....LOL. Then I get on the freeway to come home at 9pm and guess what? Yep its a parking lot again! Another freaking accident.

I was upset and relaying my bad news to my beautiful friend De'Anna Nunez, of The Mind Body Fit Club and she reminded me to Think Big. That my world could change for the better in an instant and that you get what you want, when you believe and work for it. She is right as always!

Anyhow I am absofreakinglutely happy that yesterday is OVER!! !! Today I am floating!

Don't Stop

Written by Christine McVie.

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,
Don't you look back.

Click here to learn more about The Mind Body Fit Club

Standing my ground!

2011-08-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

In case you've noticed I haven't been blogging lately its because things I said were being used against me unfairly and so I shut down. But it occurred to me if I do that then my voice is being silenced again. I do not want that to happen so come what may I am going to speak my mind. I am sick and tired of settling for less then I deserve. I have become so strong in so many ways, why do I still let myself be silenced, even for a few weeks? It feels good to let it go...I've spent my whole life letting people walk all over me and lie to me, hurt me, abuse me, and I've sucked it up and taken it....I smiled and said, thats ok, I know they didn't mean to hurt me, and then they did it over and over again. Still I smiled and took it til I could not take it anymore and I broke down and cried. But I am not taking it anymore. You hear that world....I AM NOT GOING TO LAY DOWN AND TAKE IT ANY MORE. I will be loved for who I really am or not loved at all. Because I am a good person and I sure as hell didn't deserve the crap I've been handed in life so far. From now on I am going to speak my mind, and stand up for what I BELIEVE! I am going to grow a backbone. I am going to listen to my own words of encouragement for once, because it seems I have been helping everyone but myself. I am going to fight for me. I am going to learn to take a Stand!

Thanks to Toni for leading me to this song that inspired me to Stand up once again!

Stand lyrics
Songwriters: Daly, Eric Blair; Orton, Dan Earnest;

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, yeah, then you stand

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yeah

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
Cause it's all you can take

Yeah, then you stand
Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Then you stand, yeah yeah

“I believe that it may happen that one will succeed, and one must not begin to despair, even though defeated here and there; and even though one sometimes feels a kind of decay, though things go differently from the expected, it is necessary to take heart again and find new courage. For the great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together. And great things are not something accidental, but must certainly be willed. It is working through an invisible iron wall that seems to stand between what one feels and what one can do.” ~ Vincent van Gogh ~

Laughter In the Rain

2011-07-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Woke up to the sound of thunder, how far off I sat and wonder, started humming a song from 1962, ain't it funny how the night moves. ~Bob Segar~

Ok well Laughter in the Rain is not from 1962, but it is one of my favorite songs....hearing it always makes me smile. Its POURING rain here today....I really love a good rain. I love how fresh everything smells and how it washes everything so clean. I have some of the best memories in the rain, laughing, crying, spending time with ones dear to me. With all the tears I've cried in the last month as I rehashed some not so pleasant memories, its nice to have some happy memories sneak out as well. I truly do have so much to be grateful for in my life and I need to never forget that. I have so many friends and family that love me and support me. I have food in my cupboards and a roof over my head and a pile of laundry to fold so I obviously have enough clothes.

I choose to look for those pockets of happiness...little moments that make me smile....and I hold those moments for a bit longer....and I always feel better. I know that the next hour that comes my way will be perfect, unspoiled and ready for me make the very best of it. No matter what has happened in my past, my future is spotless. I am ready to wipe the slate clean for all those who I love and to let love back into my life.

Laughter in the Rain
Neil Sedaka

Strolling along country roads with my baby
It starts to rain, it begins to pour
Without an umbrella we're soaked to the skin
I feel a shiver run up my spine
I feel the warmth of her hand in mine

Oo, I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Oo, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside

After a while we run under a tree
I turn to her and she kisses me
There with the beat of the rain on the leaves
Softly she breathes and I close my eyes
Sharing our love under stormy skies

Oo, I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Oo, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside
I feel the warmth of her hand in mine

Oo, I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Oo, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside
Oo, I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Oo, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside
(repeat and fade)

“Everything happens for a reason."

2011-07-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

“Everything happens for a reason. Every action has a reaction. Always remember that whats meant to be will always find a way to come about.”

I see this quote over and over, its like its following me. I found myself laying in bed last night with so many thoughts racing through my head. That is always how it goes, in my quietest moments my mind will just burst with activity! I am sure it makes sleeping with me fun....=) Anyhoo.....I know I have been blogging alot about my abuse and my crazy life, its been a very emotional time for me and writing about my past has really helped me to bring to the surface some of my repressed memories. But I don't want you all to feel sorry for me or think that I am a poor soul, because I am not. For every bad thing that has ever happened to me, there has been a number of positive reactions that have wiped out the negative. My blogging is really just a reflection of my struggles and uncertainties that have come recently, and I think it’s important to say something – anything – rather than nothing. So here I go. I’m okay and I’m going to be okay. It’s strange to know that with such certainty when the situation I’m currently in would have broken me apart in the past. I have become so resilient which is ironic because I thought I was already pretty resilient – but I suppose you never really know your true strength until it is put to the test. I know I’m enough even though my “enough” might not be your “enough” I am ok with it.

I won’t ramble on too much more because a) I know you’re not here for the Jaylene Soap Opera … b) what I want to say is not fully known to me because all those wonderful thoughts that come to me when I lay down to sleep seem to disappear when the sun rises – … and c) I want to open up to you about what I’m saying between the lines – what has this struggle been about? And I know that time is coming soon that I will have to face my fear of talking about the unthinkable. In the meantime I am going to share a song that seems fitting and some really great quotes with you!!

This is home by Switchfoot

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was

(Chorus) Created for a place
I've never known
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
I've got my heart
Set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We're miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)
Yeah, this is home
Now I'm finally where i belong
Where i belong
Yeah this is home

I've been searching for a place on my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is hoooome
Yeah this is hoooooooooome

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)
*Ohhhh, this is home
Now I'm finally where i belong
Where i belong
Yeah this is home
I've been searching for a place on my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah this is home

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah This is home

When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. – Patrick Overton

If you were hurt by love, then put love in your mind and that will also be the cure...Unknown

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about. – Marilyn Monroe

Stay on the road because its going somewhere nice....Jaylene

Fighting the good fight!

2011-07-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

Fighting the good fight...How many times have heard that said? Whether we are talking about relationships or diets or whatever. I thought about this little phrase the other day and said to myself "Why am I always fighting something?" I have fought exercising when I knew that it made me feel better, I have fought seeking help for my abuse, I am still fighting to let my walls down. My therapist says that I have an attachment disorder. My painful life experiences have caused me to close my heart in an attempt to protect myself from further pain. My emotional scar tissue has caused me to never fully connect with those that I love.

What makes my life even more exciting is I married a man with an attachment disorder as well. How the heck the two of us screwed up kids have managed to stay married 26 years is beyond me. We are total opposites in everything. Even our attachment disorders, I am what you would call a "dismissive", I am most comfortable being self-reliant and not seeking or accepting of true love. I keep an emotional distance because I find it hard to trust. I avoid conflict and am passive aggressive. Where as he is what you called "preoccupied" he is anxious, uncertain, and very demanding. He is controlling, critical, and argumentative and in constant need to be shown that he is loved but has little trust in others.

The one thing that came to me as I was writing this is that we both equate sex with 'love' I would have never of thought that was what I have been doing that but it suddenly occurred to me that is probably exactly why I was attracted to him. For me, sex is a way a person shows you they love you, and for him its how he shows love. I have been fighting those feelings of sex=love, trying to avoid both. I think its because I did not like what my dad was doing to me and he kept calling it love. Its why I am so afraid of "love" and why I did not like being touched. When I first got married was the worst, because even though he lived with me at my parents house we still had separate bedrooms until we got married. I had never slept with anyone all night before and I can not tell you how many times I got freaked out in the middle of the night because he touched me. He would brush my arm in my sleep and I would wake up gasping and jerk away from him! It upset him because he felt like I was associating him with my dad. It was just my fight or flight response kicking in.

I want so badly to trust and to love fully. I have felt my walls come down for brief periods of time so I know how good it can feel. I have loved and trusted, was lied to and hurt so I put them back up. I have been fighting to knock them down. Fighting, fighting, fighting...always fighting.

The definition of fight is this: To act in opposition to anything; to struggle against; to contend; to strive; to make resistance. A battle; an engagement; a contest in arms; a combat; a violent conflict or struggle for victory, between individuals or between armies, ships, or navies, etc.

If to fight is to struggle, to resist, a battle, a combat....then why would anyone want to fight anything? Even the good fight? I will let you know when I find the answer to that. But in the mean time I will just keep picking myself up and dusting myself off because like it or not I am a fighter and I just keep fighting!

Let it Be

2011-07-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

I am making some changes in my life, for starters I have decided to change the name of my blog from "My life in quotes" to "Courage Is Contagious" I will still infuse my blog with my quotes but this new name came to me and some how just felt right. I've had many revelations lately, yesterday I spoke with a psychic, it was a gift from my sister. Her spirit guides told her that she needed to give me her appointment. He was actually a Monk from Nepal, and called himself a "Remote Viewer" I was slightly skeptical, however when I was speaking with him he used many words to describe me and whats going on in my life that I have actually been using. Such as anger and frustration. As most of you know I am working through some sexual abuse issues from my childhood. However I am having a really hard time processing it because I "blackout" mentally and have been really frustrated because it makes my progress feel so slow. He said to me that I need to "Let it Be" When I explained to him what was currently taking place in my life, about how I am working on my sexual abuse issues, he told me that I need to let go of my anger towards my father and just "Let it Be" and then I get up this morning and one of my friends has posted the song "Let it Be" on their Facebook page.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Yeah, There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

(Instrumental Break)

Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, Yeah, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, Yeah, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, Yeah, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, Yeah, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

I've heard this song so many times in my life but never really took the time to "listen" to it. I found it so very peaceful and soothing. Something I was really needing, as I have been having some very disturbing dreams. The other night was the worst and most realistic dream I have ever had. I was myself right now in the dream a full grown woman, and my sister Genelle was with me. In the next room were my mother and father only they were young, like the age when my abuse started. At some point my dad walked into the room and laid down at the foot of bed, then a skinny little blonde girl walked into the room, she reminded me of my daughter Baily when she was little but it was not Baily, she walked over to my dad laying on the bed and he grabbed her to pick her up and put her on the bed. Only as he was picking her up he touched her in a very sneaky and inappropriate way. I saw him do this in the dream and I lost it. I had my make-up bag in my hand, my little black Lancome bag that I use everyday and I started screaming at him and hitting him with my bag. I was screaming "I saw what you did, I saw what you did" and I was hitting him and hitting him. He then jumped up and ran out of the room and I was still screaming at him as he went down the hallway "You filthy pig I saw what you did!" My sister in the dream was confused she didn't see what he had done and was asking me what happened. I began to tell her what I saw and then I started to sob, and I mean like I have never cried before in my life. I was sobbing and moaning, the most painful wounded noises I have ever heard. Then suddenly I woke and realized that I was really sobbing and moaning and my whole body was shaking.

The monk interpreted this dream as being very powerful, that I had spoke up to my dad as an adult, showing that I was no longer the little girl that would take his abuse. That I did what someone should have done for me....stopped him. He told me that I am not powerless, (another word that I have been using with my therapist) and that I was sent here to be a healer and that I have more power in me then I ever imagined possible. I feel like the song says, the mother Mary has come to me speaking words of wisdom "Let it Be" My father cannot hurt me anymore, what he really taught me was not "love" but "strength" I know I am a strong woman and I will get past all that I need to and I will "Let it Be"

Drama Drama Drama

2011-07-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

"There comes a time when you must let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."

I've written before about what I call my "spin cycle" it was a time in my life recently where I just started to spiral out of control. I was depressed for what I thought was the first time in my life. I say for the first time because I had really gone through my life telling myself that I was fine. I know now that I was far from fine. I was really just disconnected. The light was on but nobody was home for me emotionally. I didn't want to feel anything. I kept myself very guarded, I was very friendly and giving but when it came to love I did not accept it for myself. That was at least until I began my "spin cycle" at the time the kids were suddenly beginning to spread their wings and doing things on their own without Mike and I. That was strange for me, I had always had them around to keep me preoccupied. We were a pretty close family and the kids used to go everywhere with us. So much so that we used to joke that we had to get up pretty early to sneak out of the house without them. Suddenly it was just Mike and I, all alone and really not talking to each other very much. Mike is a very quiet "doer" kind of person. He doesn't want to talk about it he just makes up his mind he wants to do something and then sets out and does it. Me on the other hand loves to talk and think and without the kids there to "talk" to I was feeling very lonely.

I remember exactly when I started spinning, Mike and I had gone on a mini vacation to Yosemite National Park. Our days were busy we had hiked and fished and had a pretty nice time. But when we got back to our cabin, we ate dinner and then he would go to bed leaving me all alone. I remember sitting there feeling so lonely, no one to talk to, no one to share my thoughts with and I started thinking...."Is this is? Is this how the rest of my life is going to be?" Then after he goes to bed at like 8pm, he wakes me up at around 4:30 in the morning and he has decided he wants to go home. Really at 4:30 in the morning? I wanted to enjoy the scenery, I wanted to stay a little longer, not go rushing home. But when Mike wants to go there is no stopping him. His mind was made up and he was packing up our truck. I was so pissed off, I sat there driving home in the dark and started to cry.

Once those tears started flowing I could not stop them.   It was the beginning of months worth of crying. I would suddenly get this overwhelming feeling of grief come over me and start crying. It didn't matter where I was, home, work, The Bass Pro Shop, it felt like someone had just died and I would start bawling. I guess no one really knew how to deal with me being depressed, I had always seemed so "happy" so they just ignored my tears. No on in my house asked me what was wrong, which just made me feel like nobody cared. I felt like none of them loved or needed me anymore. Mike eventually asked me what was wrong, but it was not like he said it with love and care it was more like "What the F@94 is wrong with you?" to which I just lost it and and started screaming and crying back at him "What do mean whats wrong with me? My whole F$%#ing life is whats wrong with me" His reply "Get some help." As you can see there was not much love there. We had both grown so very far apart. Something had happened years earlier (a blog for another day) and I had completely shut down. He tried for a while to make it better between us but eventually he also began to feel resentment towards me. I honestly felt like I had never been anything but a burden on him. That he was only with me because of his sense of duty to the kids. I never felt like he really loved me ever. I had for years planned on leaving once the kids were all grown and out of the house.

Then one day I met someone on the internet who was really nice and friendly to me. He said the nicest things to me and encouraged me to do things for myself. I would wake up every morning and go in to see if he was online and we would chat about what we had done the night before. I began to get very attached to him and felt very comfortable with him. One day we were chatting about politics and he made a comment about how much he disliked Sarah Palin because of her feelings on a woman's right to choose. He told me that she was against abortion even in the case of rape and incest and then he shared with me about how his sister was violently raped in college and left for dead. Out of that rape she had become pregnant and even though she had been raised as a devout Catholic she chose to end that pregnancy and it forever changed her life. It was at that point that I suddenly felt the need to share with him my story and how I had been pregnant when Mike and I married and how I woke up to find that my baby had been aborted without "my" consent in order to save my life. How devastating it was to me. Then I opened up to him and told him all about the abuse and betrayals I had been through in my life, I had never shared the whole story with anybody before. He was speechless. He told me at the time that he just started crying for me. He then urged me to go and seek help for myself. Which is about the same time Mike had his chat with me. So I did, but something started to happen with this stranger, I began having feelings for him. Feelings that I had not felt in a long time. When he sensed that I was 'falling' for him he began to pull away. He was actually a really good guy and had NO plans of wrecking someones marriage even a bad one! I was crushed, I felt so rejected and lonely again and felt like maybe I was really not worthy of being loved.

I had already begun to see a therapist at this point but as I said in my previous blog she was not much help at all. Every week I would go in to see her and all I did was tell her how unhappy I was and how at the time Mike had nicknamed me "Poo poo head" which sounded like his way of calling me 'shit head' That was actually not what he was doing...he had started out calling me "Mamacita" which turned into "Mamacita Poopoopita" which then got shortened to "PoopooPita" and eventually just Poopoo head! Now of all the things in my crazy life my "therapist" decided that not letting Mike call me Poopoohead was what I should work on. I saw her for 7 months and not once did she ask me about my sexual abuse.   Which was really the root of ALL my problems!

So in the mean time I continued to do crazy things, I had met someone else, he too like the first guy seemed really nice. He began to tell me he loved me, so I told him about my past, I think I did it to see if he would run away like the first guy. But he didn't, he pulled me even closer. I really fought having feelings for him because of what had happened with the last guy, but he kept persisting and I thought, Wow maybe he really does love me and I started to peek over my wall and eventually I fell over it and landed on my head. I thought I was just madly in love and could hardly believe that someone might actually love me back.

Let the madness begin. I was "in love" and started meeting with my new guy. I began taking chances, eventually Mike caught me and what happened from that point on completely shocked me. Its a night that I am sure he and I both will never forget. What I did was so insane, but at the time that is what I was depressed and completely out of my mind. The other guy wanted to see me, so I agreed to sneak out of the house and meet 'him'. It was this rainy night and Mike had gone to bed at 8pm as usual. My son was still up and in our family room and there was no way to "walk" out of the house. So I crawled....yes I got down on the ground and I crawled out the door. He was parked out in front of the house. It was just supposed to be a quick meeting but time got away from us. The next thing you know I see our security lights pop on and hear a tap on the window. It was Mike, he was screaming at me to get out of the truck. He just kept asking me "Why?" "Why would I do that to him, how could I do that to him" He said he loved me. This was a complete and utter shock to me...I really thought he would be happy to be rid of me. I spent most of the rest of that night so afraid, he was pacing back and forth and I thought he was gonna lose it and kill me. Every time he went to our bedroom I thought for sure he was going to come out with a gun and shoot me. It was a long long night. He left for work the next morning and I packed my stuff and left.

I was so confused, I didn't think I had any feelings left for Mike and I had met this new guy and was so in love with him. I didn't know what to do. All I had ever wanted was for Mike to love me and had no idea that he actually did. Suddenly I was in the middle of two men pulling at me telling me they loved me. I ended up going back home at the time it was a week before Christmas and I didn't want to deal with this mess over the holiday. But my feelings were still really strong for the other man, and in the weeks after Christmas I started weighing my options. I wanted a fresh start, I didn't want to have to deal with my past and Mike and everything that had happened to me were part of my past...so I chose the other man. I told Mike that I loved him but that I could not quit loving the other guy and that was not fair to him. I moved out for good this time. I had 24 hour access to talk to the other guy who by the way had moved 1200 miles away from me during the time I got caught and when I finally chose to move out. Yeah figures....I meet the man of my dreams and he moves away...LOL. I stayed out of the house for a little while before I started to really miss Mike and the kids. Leaving was not the answer, so I sent them all a text message telling them that I loved them all and that I was sorry for hurting everyone. I think Mike thought I was going to commit suicide and he asked me to come and see him. We talked and I just wanted to come home. I let that wall down and I let Mike in and I felt loved again. We had a good few months before things started going haywire again.

Thats where the drama part comes in. For the next year or so, every time I started feeling pressure around the house or Mike and I were not getting along. I somehow ended up back in contact with "the guy" It just took some kind words and I was hooked again. He always knew just what to say to make me feel good, and it did until Mike would catch me again and kick me out of the house. This crazy cycle went on for too long, Mike would kick me out and I would have 24 hour access to talk to the other guy then realize that I really missed Mike and my old life, and I would end up back home. Then one day my sister Genelle introduced me to a wonderful woman named De'Anna, little did any of us know that she would become the catalyst for complete change in my life from that day forward. Mike and I had been fighting (over the phone) the whole night before and I had shared the story of what had been going on with her and she said to me that I must like drama. I remember telling her no I do not and she said you you must or you would not be doing what you have been doing over and over. She had a point.

It still took me several more months before I would start to turn things around. But De'Anna was right I was just creating my own drama, over and over again. I do this so that I don''t have to deal with my past. For you see as long as I am creating "new" drama in my life it leaves me little time for me to actually be able to get to work on the trauma of my past. But I am ready, I want to finally get to it. I know it's going to be hard. Its been over two years since I have started my "therapy" and I have been working to break through the barriers that have held me back for so long. I have worked really hard at letting go of my past and moving into the future and while sometimes those negative thoughts try to creep in, I choose to replace them with positive aspirations. I have spent too much time feeling like I wasn't worthy of any of the "good stuff" in life. It was devastating not only to my personal life, but to all those around me. I realized one day that I had stopped hugging my kids, I think I must have started to pull away from them physically when they reached the age I was when my abuse started, because I do remember hugging and loving on them when they were babies. I have started to tell them I love them more and give them hugs when it seems fitting. While I can't go back and change the past, I have at least learned from it!

I realized that the person creating the drama in my life was me and am still working very hard to get rid of "that girl" I am making small changes for the good. Today I am living my life to the fullest; reaching out to others for their opinions and experience in particular situations; I give as much as I possibly can and I replace the old thoughts of negativity with positive ones and keep moving in the direction of my dreams. The power of choice holds a special place in my heart; for at one time if felt I had no choice. For so long I felt defeated and taken over by depression in an attempt to drown out the pain I held inside. But today I know that I am free to choose how I feel and that is pretty powerful stuff.   I live each day to the fullest and when those difficult times creep in, I am still working on feeling what I need to feel. I have a fear of being angry, I know I need to see if for what it truly is and release it; but have not get been able to. So I simply do what I can and leave the rest to my Higher Power. Today I know that I have a purpose in life and one step at a time I can make a difference.

Finding My Voice

2011-07-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

"We all have the power to decide to live a great life, or even simpler, to have not only a good day but a great day. No matter how long we’ve walked life’s pathway to mediocrity, we can always choose to switch paths. Always. It’s never too late. We can find our voice." ~Stephen Covey~

Those of you who know or have been following me for a while know that I love quotes. So I have decided to start sharing some of my favorites and telling 'my story' as it relates to the quotes I love so much. I have no idea how often or how many stories I might have, maybe just this one or maybe I will go on and on. Parts of my story will not be easy to read. It isn’t easy to tell, either. It scares me to tell it, and it scares me even more to think of the reaction to it. It is about sexual abuse and betrayal by people who never should have hurt me. It is about my fear and reluctance to talk about it. But sill I need to tell my story, so here goes.

I am 42 years old, married to a man I've been with since 6th grade. We have 3 children, Tiffany 27, Baily 23 and Michael 20.99. I was only 14 years old when I gave birth to Tiffany. Just a freshman in High School. Mike and I married when I was 16, because I was pregnant again. We lost that baby, I had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place and ended up in the hospital with a life threatening pelvic infection on my wedding night. If I had not lost it that would have been 4 kids by the time I was 21 years old. You are probably thinking God why didn't somebody teach that girl about birth control, however with all of my pregnancies but Michael we were actually using some form of protection it just didn't work. Then by the time Michael came around we had given up and like to joke that he was not planned, but not prevented either.

I have not had an easy life, there have been many abuses and betrayals. I was molested by my father from the time I was 8 until I was 14, he would sneak into my room nightly to have his little 'chats' with me. Telling me how much he loved me and that I shouldn't tell anyone about what he was doing. That he was just teaching me about making love and how beautiful it can be. Those were 6 long years! Years where I just wanted to hide under the covers so he would not find me. Six years where I was afraid to ever be alone with him. Six years of wondering how long I was going to have to endure what what happening to me. Six years of being brainwashed to just go along with it. I remember laying there praying it would just end, thinking god just hurry up and get it over with. Six years of hell, til at 14 I finally said "NO!" and it stopped. Well it stopped for me anyhow, little did I know at the time he just moved on. I wish I could have found my voice sooner, I never spoke up and told anyone. It came out later and when I was asked if he had ever done anything to me I said yes. I still didn't want to talk about it. I didn't talk about it for years. I went to a few counselors but as soon as it was brought up I would quit going. I was afraid, afraid he would go to jail, that his life would be disrupted. So to save him I silenced my voice once again.

My life went on, my kids got older and I just existed, I did my best but as I look back now I was so emotionally disconnected. I was still that little girl hiding under the covers, pretending to the world that everything was ok. Telling myself that I was fine. But I was not fine I was just fooling everyone with my smile. Only a few knew my secret. I was doing a pretty good job of fooling everyone until a few years ago when I just could not pretend anymore. I was unhappy, 100+ pounds overweight, feeling ugly inside and out. I could not fake it anymore. I was breaking down, I started crying one day and just could not stop. I was crying for that little girl under the covers, crying for how messed up I had become. This went on for a few months before I finally decided to seek help. Then I chose a therapist that really didn't help me. I wasted months going in telling her my story and during that time I had started doing things that were very destructive to my family life. I had met someone and for the first time in a long time I let down my wall. I thought he was the answer to my prayers. I told Mike it was over and I moved out, or should I say I ran away. That lasted only a few months and I suddenly woke up one night and wanted to come home. My disappearing act had really shaken Mike up as well and while I was out of the house he had started to see a therapist.

When I returned home we decided to go to marriage counseling together. I had seen some really great changes in Mike from the counseling he was getting so we decided that we would go and see his therapist. At first I was really apprehensive that she would judge me because Mike had been going in there portraying a not so nice picture of me. However what I found was that she was very fair and that she did not always take Mikes side. I remember one session when Mike and I were in to see her where he and I were really getting deep into our problems and she told us that Mike needed to learn some respect for me and that I needed to find my voice! After that I developed a trust in her and soon decided to quit seeing the woman I had been seeing by myself and switch over to Avis, it just so happened that she was very highly trained in Trauma therapy...which is just what I needed.

We began two years ago with my trauma therapy. Working the whole time to help me find my voice. Margaret Atwood once said "A voice is a human gift; it should be cherished and used, to utter fully human speech as possible. Powerlessness and silence go together". Sadly my voice has been silent and I have felt powerless for all these years, but like the quote at the beginning said, we all have a choice, its not too late for me, I am choosing to have a great life, I will not settle for mediocrity or silence any longer. I continue to work hard to find my voice and use it. I still have much more to say, and do and learn, For now I am going to end this post.

Hear me now world, I've only just begun......Jaylene