Crabbie's Hollywood

Let's Get It Right This Year, Emmys

2009-07-16T17:05:00.002-04:00

For the second straight year, John Slattery has been nominated for an Emmy for playing Roger Sterling the hard-drinking, twin-fucking, oyster-puking senior partner on Mad Men. And this year he is going to win. Or the Emmys will be dead to me.

Also: Would it be possible for the Emmys take a break from giving Kathy Griffin's show the award for Best Reality Program, and throw a little love in Mike Rowe's lap for Dirty Jobs? Truly, if anyone deserves an award, it's Mike Rowe. Dude jacks off turkeys, sticks his arm down cows' assholes and wades waist-deep in shit, all to amuse us. What does Kathy Griffin do? I still haven't figured it out, to be honest.

Oh, Ryan. You Are A Pip.

2009-07-16T16:45:00.005-04:00

A wacky new story claims that, while Farrah Fawcett's dad was paying a visit to his dying daughter, he opened the door next to hers by mistake and found Ryan O'Neal in bed with Farrah's friend Alana Stewart. And they weren't eating cookies and crank calling their teachers.

Denials have already been issued by Ryan himself, but the story is confirmed by his son Griffin, who frankly isn't the most credible individual given that he probably still hates Ryan for shooting at him and his pregnant girlfriend.

Of course it isn't right to jump to conclusions. Maybe Farrah gave her blessing to Ryan and Alana to have wild sex in the room next to the one she was quietly expiring in. Maybe it was her way of saying thanks for their devotion. Maybe they were taping it so they could all make popcorn and watch it together later. You just never know.

(Thanks Maggie)

Madonna Causes Death

2009-07-16T14:10:00.003-04:00

One worker is dead and 7 more are in bad shape after a stage they were erecting for a Madonna show in Marseille fell on them. Now the bad news: the show has been canceled! Well, fuck, guess there's no point in me flying to Marseille now. Don't know what I'll use these nose plugs for. Maybe I'll go hang out on a hog farm or stick my face in Sarah Silverman's armpit.

Does Sarah Palin Shit In The Woods?

2009-07-16T13:12:00.003-04:00

Crabbie's favorite new hobby: reading between the lines of Sarah Palin's tweets. Here's a nice three-parter she posted after hanging out with some bear experts in the great state of EEEElaska.

Great day w/bear management wildlife biologists; much to see in wild territory incl amazing creatures w/mama bears' gutteral raw instinct to

protect & provide for her young;She sees danger?She brazenly rises up on strong hind legs, growls Don't Touch My Cubs & the species survives

& mama bear doesn't look 2 anyone else 2 hand her anything; biologists say she works harder than males, is provider/protector for the future

Translation: I am the mama bear who rears up on my hind legs and growls and protects my children from David Letterman and all the other meanies out there. And if America will just elect me I will be the mama bear that works harder than (Democratic negro) males and provides and protects (and occasionally scolds and chucks into concentration camps) so we can have a wonderful (Fascist, fag-free) future.

Dear Sarah: Do bears protect their children one minute then turn around and exploit them for political purposes like you did when you carted them onto the campaign trail with you? Oh I get it - they're your kids; only you get to exploit them. Gotcha.

I Guess Someone Was Feeling Neglected

2009-07-16T12:28:00.003-04:00

The LAPD has confirmed that actress Mischa Barton was "removed" from her West Hollywood home Wednesday after calling 911 in apparent distress.

"We responded to her home last night on a medical issue," an officer told Us Magazine.

They're not saying what the medical issue was, but there's nothing on CNN right now so I'm guessing she's not dead. Mischa dying would create almost the same furor as Michael Jackson, you know.

Today In Mere Formalities...

2009-07-16T10:40:00.003-04:00

It took 75 seconds for the Family Division of the High Court in London to grant Blake Fielder-Civil a divorce from Amy Winehouse. Adultery was given by Blake as grounds for the divorce, but if there were any truth in such things, it would've said something like, "I married her cause she was a rich pop-star, but now she can't keep her shit together and will soon be broke, plus it gets old fucking some bag of bones who's covered in festering sores, you know what I mean?"

So many memories...

Aw Darn

2009-07-16T09:51:00.003-04:00

Peter Andre says there is no chance of reconciliation with his estranged wife Katie Price. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Kaput. Turn out the lights, that party's over.

"I think what's done is done, and I think we have to move on and I don't say that happily," Andre said. "I just say it because it is what it is.

"It's our fault. We cannot complain about things like that. Showing our life so publicly is a mistake sometimes, but I blame myself as much as anyone else."

Peter Andre admits living your life in the public eye is a bad idea...in a television interview. He ain't much for the learnin'.

He Doesn't Mind Her Ugly Arms

2009-07-16T09:25:00.002-04:00

Jesus Luz and his sugar mama Madonna. Money ain't everything Jesus. There's such a thing as self-respect too. Ha ha, just kidding...go crazy kid.

Jon's New Ride

2009-07-15T16:05:00.002-04:00

Jon Gosselin got off his new ride, Hailey Glassman, and onto his chopper. The helmet shows that Jon is into safety. Let's hope he used protection while astride Hailey too. 8 really is enough.

More Fun With Michael Jackson's Messed Up Body

2009-07-15T15:18:00.002-04:00

Michael Jackson revelations coming like a tsunami. ABC has gotten its grubby hands on photos of Jackson's legs, which show track marks, dead tissue and splotchiness associated with vitiligo. Will the grossness never end?

Religion: Like Drugs, Only More Likely To Cause Terrorism

2009-07-15T14:49:00.003-04:00

I feel sorry for Michael Jackson's kids. They've lost their daddy, they're destined to be hounded by the media for the rest of their lives...and, to top it all off, they're religious drones. Is there anything sadder? Hopefully when they hit their late teens they'll rebel and become sex-crazed drug addicts. Anything's better than following the fairy tale.

Michael Jackson Hair Burning Video Surfaces After 25 Years

2009-07-15T14:00:00.003-04:00

The Michael Jackson vault is being emptied of everything, including video of that famous incident in 1984 when his scalp was burned filming a Pepsi commercial. I can't remember ever seeing this, or any other clear video of that event. Obviously, this is all part of a push to explain how he ended up becoming a painkiller addict, in hopes that people will feel more sympathy for him. I don't know if it will work. I just know that video is creepy, very Faces of Death-like. Gives me the willies.

Oh, Spare Us

2009-07-15T13:18:00.002-04:00

I don't know why, but for some reason Renee Zellweger is doing another Bridget Jones movie, and yes, she's going to get fat again for it. And in this one, Bridget hears her biological clock ticking! If you are excited to see this movie, then I don't want to know you.

Why doesn't Renee admit that these movies are just an excuse for her to stuff her face for a few months?

GaGa GooGoo

2009-07-15T12:57:00.002-04:00

Okay so I guess Lady GaGa had a boyfriend, and she broke up with him, and now this guy is her boyfriend, or maybe he was just a one-nighter, or perhaps he's a hologram. Oh fuck, she totally ripped off my hose and lace bunny ears outfit! Bitch.

Why, Madonna's Arms? Why?

2009-07-15T12:20:00.003-04:00

Madonna had scary bodybuilder arms before, but now she has scarier, decomposing zombie horror movie arms. "Braaaaaaaaaains." Ugh, God honey, just stay in the house with the doors locked and the shades drawn.

Thanks, Sherlock

2009-07-14T15:10:00.004-04:00

I don't mean to disillusion those who thought Jon Gosselin had found true love with Hailey Glassman, but according to one of her friends, bitch is only using the stupid ass to get famous.

"I think after realizing she had a connection to Jon through her father [the doctor who did Kate's tummy tuck] and that Jon and Kate's marriage was rocky, she saw an opportunity to get famous," the anonymous Glassman pal said.

The source says Glassman tried out for The Real World and some other reality shows before hitting the jackpot with gullible horndog Jon. And then there's this from the loser Hailey was fucking right before she hooked up with Jon:

A couple days [after Hailey and I broke up] a mutual friend was like, "Oh hey, your girl Hailey is pretty famous. She's dating this older guy who has like eight kids."

Another crafty slut gets the last laugh.

American Psycho Remake

2009-07-14T14:58:00.004-04:00

The only thing creepier than Robert Pattinson is Robert Pattinson all cleaned up and wearing a suit. And no, Pattinson did not knock up K-Stew, so stop saying he did. Jealous haters.

(K-Stew, if you're reading this, I love you honey but you gotta stop with the distraught emails.)

Why Bother, Christian

2009-07-14T14:20:00.003-04:00

Christian Bale has done horrible things to his hair and body, so he can play a crackhead former boxer in a movie called Playing a Washed-Up Wrestler Got Mickey Rourke an Oscar Nomination, So Maybe Playing a Washed-Up Boxer Will Get Me One (or something like that). Some will call this dedication but I call it masochism. And by the way, Christian, just being willing to starve yourself and have someone fuck your hair up doesn't make you a great actor. If that was all it took, Lindsay Lohan would have six Oscars by now.

Someone's Getting Reamed

2009-07-14T13:01:00.000-04:00

I have no context for this photo of Angelina in her SUV. I have no idea if she's going through a drive-thru here, or screaming at a pap, or reaming out a pedestrian who failed to bow as she drove by. I'm going to assume that, if her window is rolled down and she's interacting with people outside the vehicle, she is either giving an order or delivering a tongue-lashing. The Queen of the Universe would have no other reason for lowering herself to acknowledge a peasant.

Nice Try Kelly

2009-07-14T12:40:00.002-04:00

Kelly Clarkson thinks she can distract us from how fat she is by wearing a colorful shirt. Unfortunately, the shirt does nothing to hide her fat face or fat sausage fingers.

Negress, Please

2009-07-14T12:20:00.002-04:00

Reason #1233 to hate Beyonce: She makes her little nephew wear a shirt that says "My Auntie Rocks." Full disclosure: I have no idea if that really is Beyonce's nephew, but I'm going to assume it based on the shirt.

It Must Be Some Kind Of Front

2009-07-13T17:13:00.002-04:00

Lindsay Lohan is teaming with the woman responsible for her highly-unsuccessful line of leggings to start her own film company, Unforgettable Productions, which will focus on developing projects for Lohan herself to star in.

Unforgettable's first two production ventures will reportedly be an Entourage-like show called Faux Real and, I kid you not, a game show called That's What Friends Are For.

Like most Lohan projects, neither of these will ever come to fruition, but won't we have a high old time making fun of them until they don't.

Now Starring As Chris Christofferson In Anna Christie

2009-07-13T16:44:00.003-04:00

When you go with the headline about someone playing Chris Christofferson in Anna Christie, really, your work is done. I mean how much more amusement do you want than that?

Tony Romo Is All Heart

2009-07-13T16:01:00.003-04:00

Tony Romo has gotten sick of playing with Jessica Simpson's milkbags and decided to dump her. Funny thing about this one: reportedly, Romo told Simpson to take a hike the day before her birthday. Well, I guess that's better than waiting until the day of her actual birthday. "Wow, this is some tasty-looking cake Jessica. By the way, I never want to see your stupid face again. We're through. Oh, there's pin the tail on the donkey? Shit, I should've waited."

A friend of Jessica's says, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

Sure, anal is fun for awhile, but eventually a guy wants to stick it in the other hole. Or someone else's other hole.

That's What Happens When You Think Too Hard

2009-07-13T14:15:00.004-04:00

Sarah Palin got so stressed out during the presidential campaign that, according to the New York Times, her hair started falling out, necessitating an emergency intervention by her hairdresser.

That's the New York Times saying that, by the way, not me. So if any of Sarah's lawyers are reading this - no need to threaten me with a defamation suit. It's those New York liberals bad-mouthing your girl. I'm just a messenger.

I will say this though: if you can't even handle a campaign without getting stressed, how the hell are supposed to handle being president? Now I can see why Sarah quit. She's just too soft.