CRACKPOT PRESS

Ring Recon

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:32:00 +0000

Six months earlier I had decided to explore the diamond market. SHE had been a little PMSy, drinking wine in the afternoon, knitting and watching “Titanic.” I can’t remember how the subject was broached but it we usually have an argument around the time when Kate lets Leo drown. Somehow I had said something or said something similar to the word “wedding” or “marriage.” Breading? Carriage? I dunno, but the response was definite:

“Yeah, so what’s the fucking holdup?”

Oh, SHE felt strongly about this. Well, I wasn’t about to cave to a blind demand but figured I should at least find out how much a ring would put me in the hole. My mom was coming into town on her way to Palm Springs to play golf with old ladies and young gay men. So why not ask a women who had experience in such matters?

Besides Mom’s dig this kinda shit.

I did a little half-assed research. Talked to some married buddies over at the Cat and the Fiddle during a Sunday afternoon over a beer or four. My friends and I don’t talk money much so I would have to be crafty. Also, I didn’t want to seem too obvious about my intentions so I would slip the question between inappropriate, lusty comments about the waitresses.

Check out those Hefewiezens! How much did you pay for your engagement ring?

Full on nipplage at 3:00.Is that more than a carat?

And the all important:

Does the two month salary rule really apply?

Unanimously, the two month salary rule DID apply, plus some. Each of them had paid between $4k and $9k for their rings. My next questions, “Where did you buy it?” The answers were what I expected DeBeers, Robbins Brothers and some mall shop I can’t remember.

I thought of HER, first thing after the day of our wedding. We are still both drunk on the whirlwind of the day before. Stumbling smiles, we make some in-a-bag coffee in the room while wearing those ultra comfy white hotel robes. Rose petals, a wedding dress and a Men's Wearhouse cumberbun are tossed about on the floor. She looks down at her two rings as her new bride tender smile turns into a scowl. “FUCK! I have to pay off half of this now!”

I wasn’t about to have my marriage start off like that. I took my Mom to the wholesale jewelry district downtown.

The Wholesale Jewelry district hasn’t changed a bit since the days of Chandler and Spillaine. It also hasn’t been given a good cleaning since then. If you could shovel out the homeless and the junkies, I’m sure you could still find a Private Dick’s office with 60 years of filing to get through. Odd, because in this four block stretch are millions of dollars of jewels. All you would need is a good sized hammer and a decent exit strategy and you could rip that place off blind.

Similar to Egyptian markets you feel as if life is cheap no matter where you turn, which should be kept in mind when planning an exit strategy. You also get the idea that everything was negotiable. Rock hucksters in rented booths stare back at you, attempting to hypnotize you with their bling.

The first guy we meet is Jerry and he shows me his card which on the back matches the clarity and grade of the diamond. After a while I can spot the differences, yellow diamond bad, clear diamond good. I had also learned in a "Sex And the City" episode that a pear shaped diamond was a definite no go. I didn’t need a “why” if the ladies on "Sex And the City" hated it, so did I and so would her friends and mom. Those were the folks I wanted to impress.

He showed me a few, some of which looked like crap an Armenian Great Grandmother wouldn’t even wear. Then suddenly there it was. .97 Princess cut G grade clarity (which I couldn’t tell from an E or F) placed in a classic white gold band. It looked exactly like the ring on the Luxury Tax space of the Monopoly board. I held it in my hand, didn’t know her size but that was the one I wanted. The rock was about the same size my friends had bought.

I must have tipped my hand. Perhaps my normal chitchatery subsided. My eyes may have glazed over or tear spit out of a duct or something. In a husky indeterminate middle eastern accent he said to me “You see the fire, don’t you?” Yes, I had seen the fire. It was as if a gypsy had placed three wishes on into that ring. Deep inside the ring there was something invisible that only I could see.

The ring retailed for $3600 and was going wholesale for $1300. $100 a month on layaway. No interest. Did I want to wait a year? Another "What is the fucking holdup" year?

Was I really going to buy the first ring I saw? Nada way, so we made our way off to a dizzying amount of vendors. In guy language that means about four. My mother sat their cooing at all the different cuts and shapes. I didn’t see the one with “the fire.” I couldn’t believe that the first ring I saw was the one that I wanted. They were all pretty, but where was the gypsy magic of Jerry's ring?

Here’s the problem. I had done a lot of freelance work the previous year and currently owed Uncle Sam $1700 due in September, none of which I had squirreled away yet. We went back to Jerry and I saw it again. No further deciding needed to be made. Jerry's gypsy magic ring was it.

When she saw how excited I was, Mom teared up a bit. She had one hand placed firmly on her purse in case I asked her for a loan. But I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t let Mom even think about picking up the bill. This was my ring, my decision and the start of my family.

So the ring could wait until next year. This was gonna take some time. I wasn’t ready yet, so I have a few months to figure this all out.

They Do Things A Bit Different In Houston

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 00:45:00 +0000

My future Father-In-Law put up some pictures from today at the Houston Rodeo.

This sort of mistreatment of animals is usually reserved for dogs in Beverly Hills around Halloween. Good for them!

I now present some pictures from the Alpaca/Llama costume contest at the Houston Rodeo. NSFPeta.

Now, a note about this one. IT IS A MAGICAL UNICORN made by an 8 year old girl. I don't want to see any comments about... let's say... what it may REALLY look like. She tried her best to bring some magic into your life. You are welcome!

Oh and there is a whole bunch of new stuff up on http://www.crackpotpress.com/

Check out the main site.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:19:00 +0000

Leave comments it only took four years to figure out how install them!

www.CrackpotPress.com

Fortune Don't Know Shit or Is It Me That Don't Know Shit

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 01:24:00 +0000

Went to the library and read this article from Fortune “Like Your Job? Keep it!” The article explains how to save your own hide in case layoffs are coming. Now regardless that I did most of the things in this article, I still lost my gig.

Let’s review with my real world experience:

DO take credit... but don't "walk around with a big neon sign that says I'M GREAT,” I did this. However, the tattooed in a promising local band jackass from the design department who boasted about his work while lambasting others still works there. Perhaps the shrill of the squeakiest wheel caught the ear of the boss.

DO volunteer for more work.
WRONG! I took on many more responsibilities without being compensated. All of those “not my jobbers” still work there. If you take on additional responsibilities for free, you are being a sucker and will soon become undervalued. And then you will:

DO arrive early and stay late.
No, because I volunteered for more work I had to come in early and stay late. This made my boss believe I couldn’t handle to workload.

DON'T be eccentric.
BUT of you are in a workplace that is ALREADY eccentric the square still looks like a square.

DON'T be high maintenance.
The art department divas were EXTREMELY high maintenance, blaming blown deadlines on “I’m artist… I need to create… I’m going on a burrito run.” Divas: 1 Dave 0.

Then I began to think. How can FORTUNE, one of the kingpins of business journals be so far flung off their rocker wrong? Companies profits zoom if included in the Fortune 500. Fortune's "Best Companies To Work For" get pummeled with resumes. This isn't the TMZ of finance, this is the gold standard.

At this point I had a great epiphany: I was just at a fucked up company.

Perhaps my boss is the grand nincompoop that I always suspected he was? Maybe it was one of the situations where “It’s not you, it’s me” really does apply? I'm not one to bash the hand that used to feed me and let me go a week before Xmas with no severance. I do however, have a talent for the truth.

After all, as this article shows, there are exceptions to every rule. SO I am off to fill out some job applications at THESE PLACES!

Straight Eye For The Queer Guy or Gal.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:41:00 +0000

As are most people I know, I was extremely disappointed and disturbed by the passing of Prop 8.

My growing up is bit different than most of my other friends. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area theater scene, so during the 80's a lot of my friends were suddenly dead. I'm not saying that Reagan administration and the religious right killed them, but by not acting out of fear they could have spared millions of lives. Instead they attempted to define family values, rather than acting.

I watched from a country away as my Uncle's partner of 40 years passed away in a long complicated illness. Yet he wasn't allowed to see him in the hospital. Then he endured a long legal battle as Doug's estranged family suddenly showed up after thirty years to fleece the savings the two had built over the years.

I am for equal rights for all, but I can't help but wince at the poorly executed campaign for No on 8 and now the subsequent protests.

The biggest problem the gay community had on this was their failure to reach out to other folks of in California, just like other groups of folks have never reached out to them. LA is a very segregated place, the blacks stay in Baldwin Hills and Inglewood, the westsiders don't dare cross Sepulveda for social reasons, the newbie actors/muscians/waiters/whatever stay in Korea town and Beachwood Canyon (like Brad Pitt in "True Romance") and the power gays stay in West Hollywood, Studio City, Silverlake and Beverly Hills.

Sure, I am speaking generalizations but that seems to be true

I was at Hollywood/Highland on Saturday night as the protest begun. There was one black kid holding a "Yes on Prop 8" sign to the protesters and he was shouted down. Not one person tried to talk to him. Just yelled at him. In Hollywood, West Hollywood and Silverlake.. we get it. You are preaching to the choir.. and the media helicopters over my house after midnight are not good for my beauty sleep.

There's a lot of anger. I'd be fucking pissed too. Yelling at people outside their church is not going to work. Scaring people who are already AFRAID of you is not going to help.

This is gonna take some work, so here is anecdote.

My mother and her cousin have always been at odds on this issue. Mom's straight, Roy's gay. There's the old school morality issue. Roy could never understand why good christian's couldn't accept the teachings of "love thy neighbor as yourself." Over the years family members came out. I explained to my Mom that Uncle Tom's (a great man) roommate of 33 years was a bit more than a roommate. Her stepson came out (who is a prick) , her adoptive daughter came out (she's somewhere between prick and great) came out. But I still couldn't crack her on the morality issue.

UNTIL..

A few years ago, after my stepfather passed, I talked her into going to Palm Springs for Xmas. I did it mostly so we wouldn't have to spend a dreary, snowed in, under home arrest Xmas together missing him. I wanted something were we could go outside, enjoy good weather and ride bikes. So we went to Palm Springs and she fell in love with the place. So much that she would go down to golf with her girlfriends on regular trips. Regardless that it is the "not so underground" gay capital of California.

My favorite stereotypes about "the gays"? They are great to little old ladies, it has completely changed her viewpoint.

So here is the point. The folks that voted against you, don't know you and you haven't given them the opportunity to get to know you. They don't understand. Skin color, they get.

The gay community didn't reach out to Inglewood or Bakersfield or Tahoe. C'mon you didn't even drive down La Cienega to Culver City. You will not take this by force. You will only take this through peace, love and understanding. The people who voted against you don't get you.

So this is what you need to do. Try it, it may not work but it is better than making them think they are being forced to do something. Volunteer at "their" church. Volunteer in "their" communities.

Let "them" get to know you. Let "them" work beside you. Let "them" understand. "Them" don't get you. One by one, let them get to know you. And perhaps you will learn something about "them" that you may like.

It's gonna take some extra work. But who said this was gonna be easy? You got one hand for the taking and one hand for the giving. Reach out one hand and say "Ain't that what is there for?"

An Excellent Purchase.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 04:14:00 +0000

So I went to a fund raiser for PAWS LA.

It was a great night, really well put together. It was an art auction that helps out folks with pets.
I met the "West Wing"'s Mrs. Landingham, who I always thoughts had an awesome story arc.

Well, there was also an open Martini/Wine bar. Due to the prodding of Dick Hollywood (and the good folks at Absolute), I bought this piece of art.

I got it at much lower than the market value. It's called "Douglas, Drive By Passion" by Rose-Lynn Fisher.

This picture makes me happy. Not just for it's great use of light and color. I don't know anything about art really so I can't really call it an investment. I think it really captures the journey that moving to Los Angeles entails. When you first move here, you come in your overly dented '79 Chevette, roll the dice and take the tour. Everyone meets some fancy folks, everyone has moments of true sadness, Everyone takes the tour. Everyone has the excitement and we tend to wear funny clothes but you should always keep your goggles on.

However,the tour never really stops and it goes by really fast. I have no idea where my friend Douglas (pictured) is going from or going to. I keep hearing a whizzing of "blllrrrllleeerrr" going through my head. This picture really brings into focus the blur that Los Angeles has been over the last (gulp!) 16 years. The voyage keeps going and is always exciting. I think of all the times I have had to move very, very fast in any direction with a true sense of adventure and passion. It

And this "Drive By Passion" is why I bought it. Did I NEED it, probably not. Did I WANT it.. you betcha.

It's really the only way to see Los Angeles.

Some people look at art as an investment. Some gewt all snobby about it. Me, I buy things because it reflects part of me.

An excellent purchase.

DAG

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 22:26:00 +0000

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I got your Creepy Right here.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 23:08:00 +0000

So Fox News.com has gone with this as headline news:

It's a video of some little hippie kids from Venice, Ca.. signing and signing a Pro-Obama song.

Now granted, the video does come off a little.. Cable Access, a little too touchy feely.. a little too retarded.

Let's take a look at what some of the Fox Viewer comments were...

Ron Adair:

Really, really creepy. In all my years of voting for president, I have never known anyone like Obama. Why he doesn’t scare the hell out of American voters with his messianic complex, cult worship mentality of the unwashed masses, is amazing to me.

Eric l.

How chilling. It remins me of the old newsreels and films of the “Hitler Youth”.

Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it. This is freightening when you consider how poor a grasp on history O’bama has shown.

This is a very dangerous time in the history of the USA. Think hard before you vote for this Liberal Facist.

ED:
CREEPY!!! What’s next, are they all gonna join the OBAMA HEAVEN’S GATE cult & commit mass suicide if he doesn’t win? Kind of wish that music teacher would!

Rich From Ohio
WWWWWOOOOOOWWWW,Ididnt think i would see another HITLER in my lifetime,the only difference is this one has a different skin color.

Hili
clearly disturbing….using children who don’t have the ability to reason the facts or their future, these adults, organization, obama and all concerned have gone too far…. but as so far the media has allowed this mania, it’s no wonder. Americans… wake up! History has taught us to BEWARE of this craziness!!! wake up!

WOW! Tough room for these kids. Jees Louise.

But of course, I have some videos of my own to share!

Oh... you poor babies

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 12:36:00 +0000

So Sarah "Cupcake" Palin got her emails hacked.

Pretty innocuous stuff, nothing juicy. But here we go again with the fake outrage.

Again. the Republicans have been especially loud about this invasion of privacy.

Really?

The folks who, after failing to find any evidence of wrong doing in Whitewater, simply invaded a personal matter and splashed it through the history books?

The folks who decided the best crisis to active around meant meddling in the personal affairs of Terry Schiavo?

The folks who spying on your neighbors is patriotic?

Get over yourselves and stop being such a bunch of crybabies.

Spend and Spend

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:00:00 +0000

Well, good ole Sarah Palin really knows how to get to core Rerpublicans values.

She has the whole God thing going on, a blind acceptance of Iraq and, apparantly, no knowledge of science and wants to lower taxes.

If that weren't enough, she embraces the core Republican value.

Spend on pet projects and bill it to the taxpayers. Here are the per diem charges:

Palin: $16,000ish
Her Husband: $43,000ish
Her kids" $25,000ish

$85,000 in personal expenses for someone who makes $125,000 a year. In her defense, how the hell does someone raise a family of 6 on a measly $125,000?

The family also charged for flights around the state, including trips to Alaska events such as the start of the Iditarod dog-sled race and the Iron Dog snowmobile race, a contest that Todd Palin won. She wrote some form of "Lodging -- own residence" or "Lodging -- Wasilla residence" more than 30 times at the same time she took a per diem, according to the reports. In two dozen undated amendments to the reports, the governor deleted the reference to staying in her home but still charged the per diem.
WaPo via Raw Story

How to Get Vet Health Benefits.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:20:00 +0000

Hat tip: Anja Carle

Over the years there have been a series of blogs here and on the main site on obtaining health benefits. Now let's say you work for a start up.When you first got in they told you it was well fiananced. The work was enjoyable and gave you sense of purpose lacking from your previous career. Your bosses realize the tough road ahead that faces any start up, but everyone is so dang excited and optomistic. You are pulled into a meeting where it is stated that Morgan Stanley is all a buzz, the folks in the know are eyeballing you company A few years down the line, the company is tight on cash flow but strongly believes the goal is "just" out of reach. So they change health care policies. You're a pretty healthy person and enjoy the work (albeit your moral if lower) and health insurance has always been a "nice to have it there" kind of expense.

Then while writing the new copy for the new router, a bomb tears into your arm. They patch you up, slap you on the back and send you back to your keyboard. A little while later, while explaining the difference between unique visitors and page impressions to client, a second bomb goes off in your face.

You are sent home and start collecting disability. However, the health insurance company needs proof that these things actually happened at work. You can't sleep at night because of the trauma. The health insurance company tells you that it is because you drink too much caffiene.

You sue your health insurance company.

Now picture this start up is the Iraq war. This is the story of Juan Jiminez, a twice wounded Iraqi vet, who the VA has asked to prove where his bomb injuries actually came from.

His post war trauma was diagnosed as "too much Red Bull." So, he sued.

This is a direct result of the previous Republican congress cutting as many health benefits

as they could.

Olympic Objectification

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 04:36:00 +0000

I know y'all are probably sick of me whoring my TV Show...

but here it is again. Check it out

The number one question I have been asked lately is “Why do the women wear bikinis at the beach volleyball events?” This is usually accompanied by a sneer that implies that I only watch the sport for the T&A.

To which I always respond “You mean their uniforms? You don’t ask ‘Why does a ballplayer wear stirrups?’ It’s part of the uniform.

My girlfriend and my best gal pal have both put me through the grinder on the objectification of women in sports. .It has been a dizzying onslaught of Platonic argument after argument that I simply can’t win.

Fortunately Michael Phelps comes on TV a lot and their concentration is blown.

Read more

I'm confused.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:13:00 +0000

Over the years, I have been given a lot of flack for my passion for Women's Beach Volleyball.

Why is it that watching Kerri Walsh and Misty May is "objectification"

YET!

Watching Michael Phelps is "patriotism?" (click to ..ahem.. enlarge)

What a Douchebag.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:10:00 +0000

You realize W. would drill for oil under the Hermosa Pier if he could.

Why doesn't this guy get back to work?

Oh< I forgot.. he doesn't work.

It was just an earthquake folks!

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:36:00 +0000

Yes, I felt the earthquake yesterday. It was a good shaker but nothing compared to the five second jolt of Northridge, the fifteen seconds of the World Series Quake or the 15 second Pasadena earthquake of 1987. Let's get this straight. IT WAS NO BIG DEAL!!! Anything under a 6.0 magnitude isn't even worth getting out bed for! Some us went outside for a smoke break, but that wass the extent.

As I have mentioned before LA news freaks at the first sign of rain, but an earthquake???

OH,NO! They have gone through and handpicked a few grocery stores where some delicous canned goods splotted to the floor. Some bricks fell off of a few buildings. Everyone's cool and kinda just went on with their day.

Now let's take a look at how the media reacted..

CNN put this lame ass story on it's front page. But the girl is kinda pretty.

If anyone has any green screen talents... I would love to see your work on this!

NBC and Fox 11 have been airing clips of Judge Judy keeping her cool. And some other Judge that is a hotter, younger version.

But the real BIG local story was reports from the Dallas Cowboys training camp located in Oxnard, California. This was a 100 miles from the epicenter. According to DL Chris Canty, "I am not in a emotional state to practice, I am distraught and don't think I cna practice for a few days"

Okay fat boy get your traumatized ass back on the field.

Just like the rest of us.

The New Guy

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 04:34:00 +0000

We hired this new designer at work. He's from Argentina and all into soccer and shit.

On Thursday afternoon he asked a weird question...

"We have tomorrow off?"

He had no idea.

GO AMERICA!

Bush Praises Father of The AIDS Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 17:07:00 +0000

“Jesse Helms was a kind, decent and humble man and a passionate defender of what he called ‘the Miracle of America.’ So it is fitting that this great patriot left us on the Fourth of July”- President Bush

While we all know that this president doesn’t have the best grasp on history, does he not even remember the 80’s?

Jesse Helms was not a “kind, decent or humble” man. I’ll give Bush “the passionate defender” crap. This I believe to be true.

But Jesse Helms was the king of the distraction. HE often busied himself with issues that hit the heart of his back woods constituency. He filibustered the Martin Luther King day holiday for 16 days. He used racial attacks against competitors. He furthered the Grand Southern Tradition of fear of the black man. Did Bush run this by Condi before dribbling this out?

Here is Jesse Helms’ legacy. He let millions die because he was a bigot. Back when AIDS was primarily being noticed in the gay community, his ignorance led him to believe that “there is not a single trace of AIDS that cannot be traced back to Sodomy.” He further championed other misinformation about the disease.

As a result, the disease was allowed to spread. Eight years after the first reported case, Jesse’s homophobia continued to fire his arguments. By blocking AIDS research and education, Jesse Helms continued to let men, women and children die painful deaths. This has led to world epidemic disaster which now costs 100’s of billions of dollars every year.

In his later years, he did attempt to redeem himself by working with Bono with the AIDS crises. Had he only been “a kind, decent and humble man” in the 80’s, what a difference he could have made.

Memo to George Carlin

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:14:00 +0000

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits

Friday Afternoon F---koff

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:45:00 +0000

Friday afternoon is prime goof-off time at any work place. You check your Facebook and MySpace. You make final arrangements for your weekend pet projects. You can make a Youtube video bashing your co-workers and then broadcast it on Cspan.

Whaaaa?

Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich), did just that. Because the party who promises "unity" actually used the House Floor to promote division in the workplace and in Congress. Armed with a ruler and some charts he rips off an Ann Coulter bit "What Democrats Really Mean." Without half of the wit.

Now can you imagine if a Dem started defining the Republican like this? It would be everywhere... and yet this has seemed to slip on by.

While the Rep could use a a master's class in Stand-up from even the folks at Comedy Traffic School, there were two things that really stuck in craw.

He says when Dems say change we mean "The 70's." I guess that's a jab at Jimmy Carter. Has he forgotten that decade was controlled by the Republicans 60% of the time. The big Jimmy Carter fouls were the Iranian Hostage situation and the oil crunch. Has he forgotten what happened from 1970 to 1976?

I can't defend the hostage situation, but the oil prices today are so out of control.. perhaps a little 70's oil rationing is in order. Prices might go down just a bit. And Repubs created that problem.. Jimmy just had to solve it.

Now sure I could go into some easy reversal bits... like

"Morality" means deception, hate, and unnecessary violence
"Low Approval Ratings" means "No one understands me"

But just those two already make me feel uncomfortably Foxworthy.

But the other thing is "Ehy the hell are you broadcasting the fact that you are screwing off at work on a Friday afternoon? Wasting my money, not working for me?"

Just go back to your office and hide it...

like I do.

Hat Tip: Gawker folks

So The Question Was...

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 06:29:00 +0000

I write for this other website in addition to Crackpot Press.

The posed the following question:

What is the most egregious entry/oversight from AFI’s top genre film list?

http://www.afi.com/10top10/

The former San Francisco film student and bong team captain came out. Enjoy!

Dave: There are plenty of snubs.

Top Animation: “The Wall,” “Heavy Metal” and/or “American Pop”…the AFI continues to suck some serious Disney Cock. Also “Yellow Submarine” beats out most of these.

Top Western: “The Magnificent 7” and any early Clint Eastwood tops “Unforgiven.” Any western with the abbreviation “Mrs.” in the title should be immediately disqualified.

Top Romantic Comedy: “Sleepless in Seattle”… enough with the Nora Ephron girlie claptrap! “Lost in Translation” and “Heaven Can Wait” are my kind of romantic comedies.

Top Sports: As usual, the AFI continues to ignore the Walter Matthau version of the “Bad News Bears.” I blame Tatum O’Neal. “Caddyshack” is in sports? C’mon.
Top Fantasy: Again, “Field of Dreams” is a piece of crap and belongs on no list that includes the word “Best.” Their definition of fantasy seems to be “alternate universes”, so I think “Dr. Strangelove” would have been a great substitution. I do respect the “Groundhog Day” inclusion.

Top Sci-Fi—One word “VIDEODROME.”

Top Epic: “Titanic” isn’t an epic, it’s just long. “Dr. Zhivago” or “Ghandi” should have made the list. Has anyone seen “Titanic” on TV lately, the blue screen doesn’t hold up. David Lean didn’t need no special effects. Let's kill some fuckin' horses! Saw “Reds” again recently-- brilliant.

Hollywood is full of weird folks

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:22:00 +0000

So I just moved to spacious one-bedroom in the heart of "Glamorous" Hollywood, Ca.

I like the fact that I am walking distance to grocery stores, farmer's markets, the Chinese Theater and some bars that are somehow still surviving off of the fact that Bukowski drank there. With all the tourist attractions, I am surprised I rarely see a tourist. The locals are far stranger.

In front of the Chinese theater in the last couple of years folks have started to dress in poorly made "Hollywood Icon" costumes in attempt to hustle a few bucks from Iowan rubes.

This kind of sums it up.

If you live in the general LA news cycle.. you already know Elmo is trouble. I once saw him just after midnight in fight with some guy. Elmo was on top of him beating him with his furry red head.

I realize that these folks like to park on my street and hang out before their tribute performances.

The other day Elmo was sitting in his car in full costume sans head. It was resting on the top of his car. Elmo was torching up a spliff.

Another time I came out of my garage to see perfect buttocks leaning into their car in black spandex. If I was 16 I would have gotten wood. The spandex clad beauty flipped back and shook dark brown locks. This is when I realized it was the dude who played Darth Vader.

But today I spotted a tourist on the way to the Fresh and Easy Market. She was mid 40's curly, dirty blond curls and flabby. She was wearing those 2008 New Year's Eve fake glasses. The ones that say 2008 and the 00 are the eyeholes. She was just sitting on the sidewalk fondling one of the embossed stars somewhere between "The Simpsons" and "Emilio Estefan." It is sort of the B-List section of the Walk of Fame. The classics i.e "Gregory Peck" or "Fatty Arbuckle" are Hollywood and Vine. The Big Deals "Tom Cruise" and "Harrison Ford" are Hollywood and Orange, near the Chinese Theater. But La Brea and Hollywood is reserved for B-Lister or folks that will never get any respect.

This woman was sitting there, just sort of hand hugging the embossed star. She was weeping. Not the big tears the news like to show as entertainment. But a small weep with an understanding upside down smile. As I passed by I glanced down at the star to see who this woman was so moved by.

It was Deforest Kelly. I just learned that last week marked the nine year anniversary of his death. God bless the supporting actor.

So I know that it's dorky, but some folks mean a lot to people.

These Hollywood Tribute artists need to raise their game.

Oh and if your are planing to come to LA to see the stars... don't come to Hollywood Blvd.

Check out the Rite Aid and 7-11 on the corner of Vineland and Ventura in Studio City.

Poets Don't Know Shit About Music

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 21:30:00 +0000

So I am doing some research for work, attempting to find some poetry sites for a client.

Now this has led to a lot of myspaces pages, that have more than poetry in common.

They all have REALLY crappy taste in music. Usually some kind of Indie verion of Sarah McGlocklyn funeral durge.

I get it. You're deep.

and shit.

Just As Predicted! Fun Times Come to Baghdad!

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 15:50:00 +0000

It is a small world after all. In a post some years ago, that I am too lazy to find, we predicted a Godfather II-esque cut up of Iraq. And now it has come true.. Disneyland is coming to Baghdad!

Okay so it's more aof a Zoo style park.. but what if it was the real Diasneyland.. can it really be that far behind?

But which Mickey fans will show up?

Ah Mickey and Minnie in matching flak jackets humming along to Uncle Remus' favorite tunes. The hourly electric fence parade, except at Xmas when it becomes the snow blown Christmas Parade!

Won't this brash Splash Mountain of Americana become an immediate target? Or will this finally be the snuggliness that will force the Iraqi's to treat us as liberators? Or will this become merely another reason for a bunch of Mickey Freaks to enlist? After 9-11 Bush told us to go to Disneyworld." Is this what he meant?

In any case, this is the first sign of a permant American presence. Who's next?

Trump Plaza ?
The Hustler Casino?
KFC?

or more than likely... the Ford Motor Company...

Let the outsourcing begin!!

Dave
New Crackpot Press on Fridays

Wilshire Blvd Closed! Local Media Panics!

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 21:15:00 +0000

So Wilshire Blvd is closed today for an Earth Day festival downtown.

And the local media panics as if there were three drops of rain falling! That happens in LA. The news media panics.

You'll never get around it!
Your commute is hopelessly blocked!
Delay! Mayhem! Tie-Ups! Crashes!

Wunderfuk!

I sat on the couch and thought to myself:

Why doesn't the media suggest you take a bus to get around the Earth Day Celebration?
or walk?
or ride your bike?

Why panic?

It' s Earth Day... chill.

Sterotypes Attempt to Buy My Company.

noreply@blogger.com (Crackpot Press) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:59:00 +0000

I work at a mini-studio that makes movies.

Walking out into the lobby, I spy three Japanese men in their 50's wearing well-tailored suits.
All of them are perfectly coiffed and maincured. Each of them has a determined inner confidence about them. Each has an "evil" appearance equal to that of George Takei on Heroes.
Immediately I freak...

Are we being bought?

Have the Japanese foreign markets come into my lobby to buy out the joint, montblancs a-blazing? Movie producers never really retire.. they just move on... usually without me.

I work myself into a bit of a frenzy, smelling impending doom... I just got this frickin' job!
What I am gonna do? If they buy the joint and can everyone... what will happen to my health benefits. My girlfriend wants a ring.. will that be post-poned (again!) for God knows how long? My car needs a couple of hundred dollars of work.. where the hell is that going to come from?

These former Japanese Banzai soldiers (despite they are way to young to have been in WW2) are coming for revenge!

Then I learn we are doing some kind of action flick and the bad guy is some Japanese Business "The Man" type.

So I got frightened by some unemployed actors in most likely borrowed suits.

Lesson learned about sterotypes, I retire to my cubicle and attempt to juggle my bills.