Cranelegs Pond

A Few Pond Thoughts

2020-06-17T15:19:00.002-04:00

I'm getting my Thoreau on with a little visit to the pond I just had. Not sure it's quite the caliber of old Henry there but they're thoughts nonetheless.

If one finds pleasure in rejection, trying to get published is a fulfilling endeavor.

The right wine, the right food and the right company are about as far right as I care to get.

During these tough times, many simply cannot make ends meet. Well add my dog to the list of victims. She had to foreclose on her doghouse.

Whenever I have a regret, I place it in a special, large jar. I'd say it's about two thirds full. I plan to take it with me when I die because I figure I'll have plenty of time to grapple with them then.

I like spreading rumors about myself. That way when I catch wind of them later, I'm not nearly as shocked.

Three things drive me insane: forgetting stuff and whatever the other two are.

Whenever I think I have an answer to all this life stuff, I think some more and realize, I don't have an answer, just a resting place.

There's something to be said about thoughts best left unsaid, which might be the angle I should have taken here.

Fleeting Self Confidence

2020-06-15T15:10:00.002-04:00

Self confidence is fleeting. I have plenty of it until I need, and then it's harder to find than a prime rib option at a vegan banquet.

Hearing Trees

2020-06-15T15:05:00.002-04:00

There are times I stare out back at the tree covered hilltop beyond, but I don't see the trees really, as much as I hear them. And for a moment I allow myself to imagine if peace made a sound, this just might be it.

Twitter

2020-06-14T15:37:00.002-04:00

I've been a member of Twitter since August 2008. I remember thinking then, "This is stupid. Who cares what I'm doing? Who cares what I think? And why do I have to tweet what nobody cares about in handful of characters?" Well, it's been almost twelve years now and I still ask, who cares?

So why? Why do it? I think the way I respond to notifications that someone retweeted or liked one of my tweets, indicates vanity is lurking about in all this. And when the notification is that someone is following me, I'm, for the moment, kind of goofy proud about it. But none of this is enough to keep me plugging along as I do.

I think what I really enjoy is being a freakin' wise guy. A smart ass. If you knew me in person, not through the prism of anonymity that Twitter provides, you would come to know a guy who is relatively calm, cool and collected. Strike the cool. I avoid conflicts. It's an occupation of mine. That's what I do and I do it well.

But put me on Twitter and I become something else. And I have to say, it's been therapeutic. For instance, enter Donald Trump. Look, I hate the fellow. Oh, I know. Hate is a strong word Bob. Yes it is, which is why I stand by it. I hate him and I process everyone of his tweets as if he slapped me in the face. And boy do I unload. Crisp one-liners. Crackling criticism. All with the humor of wise crackin' lounge comedian. And it feels lemony refreshing.

So I guess if I had to summarize why I tweet, it would be fueled by a smidgeon of vanity and ignited by a hefty dose of comedic bravado protected by the cloak of anonymity. Yeah. That would be it.

Blogger's Block

2020-06-12T12:09:00.002-04:00

I've got it today. That is I've got blogger's block. I'm trying to think of something funny to blog, but I got nothing. I mean the only thing funny so far is the claim from Trump that the mayor of Seattle is doing a terrible job. So bad he wonders if she's ever had a job like it before. Now that's funny coming from a guy who's resume for President included being a two bit reality show host, a failed casino owner, a scam University founder, and a beauty pageant producer. But it's not laugh out loud funny. It's sad funny.

The other thing that is mildly funny is the Stock Market. Yesterday it closed nearly 1900 points down. The guys who know stuff about this said it was due to the announcement that we are most likely going to experience a second wave of COVID-19 in the coming weeks. I went to bed thinking here comes another down turn. I woke up my usual time, when the chirping birds wake the dog. Tumbled out of bed to let the dog out. Fed the dog. Made coffee for my wife (no sugar, heated nonfat milk, whisked into a foamy froth and sprinkled with freshly ground cinnamon; in short, high maintenance) and myself. Took the coffees up to bed and turned on the TV for our daily torture of Morning Joe.

It was early enough to catch the financial summary on the show preceding Joe. Settled in, I awaited the bad news about the stock market opening today. The financial whiz announced, "Futures indicate the DOW is going to open 550 points up." Huh? What had changed about COVID-19 overnight? A vaccine was approved? The number of new cases was zero? Tests were available for everyone? Well, the truth is nothing had happened. The dismal prediction from yesterday remained unchanged. So why did the DOW collapse yesterday and within 16 hours go up substantially today when absolutely nothing had changed?

Now I'm not a conspiracy theorist by any stretch, but if ever there was something deserving of a conspiracy, this is it. There are people out there making a boatload of money and it ain't me. It ain't most of us. Something is going on. And now that I think of it, it's not funny.

Note to Bob: stick with funny.

Off the Top of My Head

2020-06-11T15:19:00.002-04:00

I don't like people with last names that rhyme with rump.
The band Strawberry Alarm Clock was completely misunderstood.
If I have to wear a mask to a restaurant, how am I supposed to eat?
I don't understand the stock market, and I'm beginning to think no one understands the stock market.
Nudity at age 68 isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I know COVID-19 is driving us all nuts but my wife thinks she is a mermaid, so there is that to deal with too.
I'm willfully retweeting Joe Walsh tweets. I never saw that coming.
I don't know when it happened but someone stole my ass cheeks and hid them under my chin. Has that happened to you?
I have good reason to believe my dog is trans. I just wish she would talk to me about it.
I wonder if Sean Hannity's wife reached out to Melania Trump for marriage advice recently. It would explain a few things.
Using the phrase "circle around" should be stopped as soon as possible.
My parents are in a Senior Living Community and have been in lockdown for months. I'm concerned that there are knives in the apartment.
Sometimes I feel like a sheep in chicken's clothing.
Q has to be the dumbest letter in the alphabet.
Life would be so much easier if weeds were actually attractive.

Mermaids and Such

2020-06-10T12:04:00.001-04:00

I asked, "Do you really think mermaids exist?

"I'm pretty certain," Keaton replied.

"Where's the evidence?"

"Yeah, like where's the evidence that they don't exist," she snapped back.

Then I thought: her argument is very fishy for someone who doesn't have scales or a flipper ... yet.

The Holiday Go and Shop

2020-06-10T11:54:00.002-04:00

We were about halfway through the drive to our vacation destination when it started.

"Do you need to go to the bathroom," Keaton asked.

"Nope. I can make it to the end." I did not ask the expected follow-up question because I knew the answer, and I did not want to stop for I was on track to set a travel speed record of sorts.

"Okay," she mumbled.

Ten minutes later. "We have to stop in Stockbridge. I've got to go bad."

"All right," I replied, "but please don't turn this into a go and shop. I'm beggin' ya."

She wasn't having any of it. "Well they do have great little stores and restaurants. We can get a lobster roll. How does that sound?"

"That's a bribe," I replied. I could feel my position losing ground. "Look, we are on a record breaking pace here. Let's not throw it all away for a lobster roll." My argument was weak but it was all I had.

"What's the big rush? We're on holiday babe."

"It's not a holiday. It's a vacation. The closest holiday is like weeks away. What's with the holiday stuff?" I was deflecting.

"It sounds so European. Holiday."

"But we're going to New Hampshire. You know, 'the live free or hang' state."

She corrected me. "That's 'live free or die'."

"Whatever. It still sounds crazy to me. I mean it should be 'live free or maybe not so much'. Death is not a choice I would make."

"Are you done because death will be a choice I'll make for you if we don't stop in Stockbridge. My motto is 'I pee or you die'!"

And that's when I was reminded there is always a bit of danger lurking nearby when I travel with Keaton.

Mud Finnegan and the Half Sandwich

2020-06-08T16:14:00.002-04:00

I was ten years old. Mom wouldn't let me go to the matinee with the guys to see The Alamo at the Royal Theater in downtown Bloomfield. "It's too violent," she said. I could tell it was a battle I would not win, so I dragged my heavy burden to my room and gave the situation a solid ten minutes of kid thought. I concluded my life couldn't carry on like this without serious change. I knew what would be required. So I got up, stood tall, and defiantly stomped down the stairs in search of the matriarchal menace. I found her in the kitchen.

"I'm leaving for Pennsylvania," I announced. "I'm gonna be a farmer!"

"What do you know about farming?"

"I watch Modern Farmer every morning. You should try it."

"Modern Farmer? Okay, I guess that will do." So she packed me a baloney sandwich, wanted assurance that I had clean underwear on, and demanded I write her when the potatoes came in. Then she pushed me out the front door and pointed to the west.

I proudly walked up the street, finally liberated from the fickle whims of an intrusive mother, warped by the communist propaganda in Family Circle magazine. At the top of the street, a turned left to cut through Carteret Park, my home away from home, before making a turn to the Delaware river, roaring about 63 miles to the west. I'd worry about crossing it when I got there.

As I was cutting through the park, I saw Mud Finnegan at one of the wooden benches busy doing something. I stopped to talk to him because he was twelve years old and pretty much knew everything.

"Hey Mud! Whatcha doin'," I asked.

"Fuckin' carvin' my initials dipshit," he barked. "What does it look like I'm fuckin' doin'?" There was a reason he was called Mud.

I responded, "Yeah, cool!"

He lifted his head and looked at me with those crooked eyes of his. "What the fuck is in the bag?"

"It's a baloney sandwich. My ma made it for me. I'm runnin' away to Pennsylvania."

"So ya say," he mumbled. He continued to look me up and down with those crooked eyes. "Listen up turdball! You need some fuckin' advice but it'll cost ya half of the sandwich though, ya fuckin' poor use of two good legs." (I often felt Mud could talk in half the time if he'd simply drop the F bomb but it's what made Mud ... well ... Mud. That and his renown knowledge of sex and female parts.)

I gave his offer some thought and figured I needed his advice, so I handed over half the sandwich. As he bit off pieces, he looked out over the open playground, his brows curled and his cockeyed eyes focused beyond the baseball diamond to the south. Then he spoke slow and thoughtful-like.

"Ya see Crane, it's like this. Ya think the fuckin' world is better in some fuckin' other place, but ya get there and the grass is still that fuckin' green color. Ya see what I'm tryin' to tell ya, ya midget fuck?"

I thought for a moment, but the only thing that was coming to mind was that he was nuttier than a Chunky bar, and this notion that he was all-knowing was highly overrated. He interrupted my deep thinking.

"Nice fuckin' sandwich."

"What?"

"I said nice fuckin' sandwich. Your ma makes a nice fuckin' sandwich."

"Oh yeah, she does."

So I hung around Mud a while longer until the proper amount of big kid respect time had passed. I also figured I'd never make it to the Delaware with only a half sandwich. I'd have to swallow my pride and save the farming for the next parental atrocity, which was sure to happen. It would only be a matter of time. I said my good byes. Mud never looked up and never spoke, as he was applying the final touches to his initials.

I sauntered home, gnawing at my half sandwich, more confused than when I had entered the park. I'd have to eat crow when I got home but was used to it, as this was not a first runaway rodeo. I'd survive the crow. I did conclude though that the next time I would require at least three sandwiches and no park stop and chats. Yeah, that would do it. There would be no stopping me. Fire up the tractors!

Reincarnation

2020-06-08T15:07:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure in my prior life I was a shoemaker who made those court jester slippers with the bells at the end of the curled up toe, which is why I try to change subjects when people start talking about reincarnation.

Sports Radio and Social Issues

2020-06-05T15:52:00.002-04:00

With the COVID-19 virus putting major sports on hold, Sports Radio hosts and their callers have plenty of idle time on their hands to discuss ... well ... non sports topics. Enter the heightened racial tensions, demonstrations, and yes, rioting, triggered by the murder of George Floyd, and we've got clash of worlds.

let me qualify myself. I am a die hard NY Giants, Rangers, Knicks and Mets fan. I've been a raving mad Villanova basketball fan ever since my son got his acceptance letter from Nova some 17 years ago. I love the four golf majors and the occasional UFC fight. And I religiously listen to our local sports radio station: WFAN.

Here's the problem. There is nothing worse than listening to sports fans discuss social issues. These are my people, except when they start swerving way out of their lane. They are fish out of water. They are square pegs jamming into a round hole. They are out of their element. And it doesn't take much before the flood gates open with crazy conversations.

The latest catalyst is New Orleans Saints quarterback, Drew Brees. He seems like a nice guy, but he put a match to the gasoline tank earlier this week. Someone asked him during an interview what would he think if kneeling during the anthem started up again. His answer was short and tone deaf sweet. He views taking a knee during the National Anthem as disrespecting the flag and country and there is no argument to change his mind, which turned out not to be true, as he apologized for "getting it wrong" 24 hours later. But the gas tank had already exploded.

It became open season again on Colon Kaepernick, Black Lives Matter & White Privilege. And the arguments were, for the most part, hard to follow and in many cases actually intelligence-sapping madness. The latter is demonstrated below:

Joe (host): And on the line we have Benny from Islip. What's on your mind Benny?
Benny: Hi Joe. Long time listener. First time caller.
Joe: Great! Welcome to the show! So what's got ya calling in today?
Benny: Now Joe just hear me out. I'm a 53 year old white guy and I don't got no privilege. I worked 40 to 50 hours a week driving buses for 25 years now and haven't asked for nothin'. Understand? And this guy Kipernike--
Joe: It's Kaepernick, Benny. Kaepernick.
Benny: Kaepernick then. Whatever his name is. He comes along and puts his knee on the ground during our sacred anthem. And because I don't like it, I have privilege? Joe, I don't have privilege, I just love my country. Am I wrong?
Joe: Look, I understand where you are coming from but I don't think it's like that.
Benny: This guy makes millions of dollars playing a game. It's a game Joe! I wish I could play a game like that but I'm 5 foot four and have bad arches. So I drive buses. But he should be in love with this country for what he does but instead he disrespected it.
Joe: I understand but you have to admit Benny that maybe he wasn't wrong about some of this.
Benny: Why because that guy died, what's his name, George Flynn--
Joe: George Floyd. Floyd.
Benny: Yeah Floyd, that guy! Listen Joe, my nephew Alphonso is a cop and he tells me all the time that he never knows what a situation will bring. That's a lot of stress on these guys. You know he was resisting arrest Joe.
Joe: Who was? George Floyd?
Benny: Yeah, he was.
Joe: No he wasn't! Where'd ya hear that.
Benny: That's the part we didn't see. I mean of course the main stream media doesn't have that part. But listen, even if he wasn't, why do I got privilege? And why is this privilege, which I don't got, have anything to do with him taking a knee? I mean it's like Black Lives Matter. Why do their lives matter more than my life, and if I have privilege, than maybe my life does matter more, but since I don't, then we have equal lives. Joe, where am I wrong here?
Joe: I don't think you're wrong but it's not quite like that.
Benny: So ya agree?
Joe: No I don't, but hey do you have a sports question.
Benny: Yeah, actually I do. Why does the NFL make owners interview at least one black for a coaching job. I mean supposin' there aren't any qualified.
Joe: We're gonna move on. And now we got ... oh no ... Jimmy from Hohokus. How are you Jimmy? Long time no hear. What going on?
Jimmy: Hey Joe, been busy. My daughter got married two months ago and shortly after I got the COVID thing.
Joe: Sorry to hear that. I mean I'm happy for your daughter but the virus Bro. How bad?
Jimmy: Well I needed to go on a ventilator.
Joe: Wow bro, a ventilator?
Benny: Yeah, but that's only the half of it. While I was on the ventilator, the nurse, a real nice oriental gal, very sweet, comes in and tells me my wife just texted her station and asked, since she couldn't see me ya no because of the virus and what not, to pass along that she wanted a divorce. So I've been busy Joe.
Joe: Oh no! Really? A divorce? Wow that's cold Bro!
Jimmy: It's all right Joe. I'm okay. My girlfriend has been my rock.
Joe: Girlfriend? Already? That was quick.
Benny: Not really, I mean we've been off and on for a year or two.
Joe: Okay, I see. let's move on. Do you have a sports question Jimmy? \
Jimmy: Yeah, this has been bothering for awhile now, but it just happened again with the Drew Brees thing. So why does LeBron James always have to tell us what he thinks about this thing or that thing. Laura Ingraham was right. He should just play basketball and shut up. Am I right Joe?

That folks is going on all day long all over the nation. We need sports to come back so we can argue bad umpire and referee calls, terrible coaching decisions, trades and drafts. We need sports so we can stay in our lane. Please, for the sake of sports radio, let the games begin, albeit safely.

The Gift of Gab

2020-06-03T15:25:00.001-04:00

I've been told I have the gift of gab. It's more like a curse, particularly when I go to parties and a guest yells across the room, "Hey! There's Bob! He's a gifted gabber. Say something gabby, Bob! C'mon!"

Trapped, I reply, "So where's everyone from?"

And then the guest responds, "See what I mean? He's killer gifted. Just killer!"

Its obvious that I don't go to parties that really swing. The truth is (and I'm extrapolating from a classic Groucho Marx line), I should never go to a party that would have me as a guest.

The US Postal Service Interview

2020-06-02T14:33:00.000-04:00

During my job interview to be a mail carrier, the local Postmaster asked, "Are there any situations or circumstances in which you might be inclined to shoot a fellow postal worker?"

I thought about the question, thinking it seemed a bit odd but I guess maybe they have to ask, given some of the Postal Service history. So I thought some more and I couldn't help myself, I said in jest (because I'm such a jesty character), "Well I suppose if someone sorted the mail in reverse alphabetical order using only the last name on the return address, I might be so inclined."

He replied, "Hmm ... we have a few of those. When can you start?"

The Talk

2020-06-02T14:19:00.000-04:00

Not sure why or how but recently I was reminded of my son’s wedding reception speech. He was my Best Man and extremely funny at my expense. The bit that got the loudest laugh was about “The Talk” I had with him. Of course, “The Talk” is about sex. I don’t remember it going down quite like this but I suppose it’s possible. He was maybe 14 at the time and “The Talk” was brief.

“So son do you have any questions about, you know, um--”

"Sex?"

"Yeah, that?"

“Not really dad. I’ve got this covered.”

“That’s good cause I got no answers.”

Boom! Drop the mic! It was quick, simple and honest. Unlike the ordeal I had to go through. Mine was gut wrenching. And it went exactly like this.

Sometime late in the spring of my freshman year in high school, "The Talk" took place. It snuck up on me, when my guard was down. Even the warning shot was subtle. “Bobby, after the boys go to bed, your father and I want to talk to you about something very important,” mom volunteered matter-of-factly, as I was drying the dishes.

She was good at being matter-of-factly, but this was different. “… your father” was not a phrase casually tossed around the house. If we heard it, it was always preceded by “wait until”. I hadn’t done anything even remotely wrong lately. My third semester grades were solid. I wasn’t in trouble. I don’t think they saw me hide a sliver of extra steak under my mashed potatoes. No, this was different. Something ominous was in the air.

Clueless but cautious, I replied, “Sounds good.”

I pondered some more. In my best play-it-cool impression I added, “Anything wrong? Something I should know about?” Unlike the old lady though, my voice cracked under the stress, giving away the little game I was up to.

“Nothing’s wrong. We just think it is time to talk to you about something. That’s all.”

My brain instantly began doing what I can only describe as a rudimentary form of a Google-like search against “it is time to talk”. After some tedious searching through my cranial indexing method, bam! Pay dirt! A match!

“So my mom says to me, ‘it is time to talk to you about sex’,” Rye Bread Russell reported to the gang as we sat around the park table one evening, waiting for Rye Bread to show up so we could start swing jumping.

I ran the search again to be sure. I came up with the same result. I was finished, done for, doomed. It was going to be about sex. Mom lived for moments like this. She wanted her boys to know the facts so we’d grow up being knowledgeable, caring husbands. She didn’t beat around the bush either. Her style was direct and to the point. This was going to be really brutal.

The old man on the other hand would rather have been left out of the whole affair. This was not his bag. Shooting hoops, splitting tops, making yo-yos sleep, hitting fly balls, those were the things he did best—things that didn’t require conversation or discussion or chatting. Dad was not big with the chatting and I was more than okay with that.

Apparently though, mom had made up her mind that it was important that dad be present, just in case I had a specific, male-only question. She was out of her mind. I think raising four boys whose ages spanned a paltry six years from end to end will do that to any normal human being. She was no exception.

And now because she had turned insane, I was going to have to endure the big talk—the sit down session of all sessions. For a brief moment I thought of breaking a limb to buy a few months. Alas, I was trapped. I was also certain that I’d have to ask one question just to show interest and get her off my back for fear of follow-up talks. What could I possibly ask? Dishes dried, I schlepped out of the kitchen to retreat to my third floor room to give this quandary serious consideration.

As I walked through the living room, dad was sitting in his favorite spot, staring blankly at the sports page, while the TV weatherman Tex Antoine prattled on about a low in the Ohio Valley.

“How them Dodgers looking this year, Pops?” It was my standard Spring sports question. I just wanted to make contact somehow to assess his response. Maybe my primitive Google memory search was faulty.

“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled from behind his paper curtain.

Normally, he’d go on about the pitching of Koufax and Drysdale. I’d then counter with the hitting of Mays and McCovey from the Giants, and we’d have at it. But he didn’t even invite the argument. He was obviously preoccupied. It was a dead giveaway. There I was, stressing out over coming up with one knucklehead sex question to ask. Meanwhile, dad was sweating bullets over having to answer it.

Suddenly, without warning, it spilled out of me like a backed up toilet.

“Guess were gonna talk about something later, huh dad?”

Dead silence from behind the Newark Star Ledger. I continued on my way. Then, he mumbled.

“Yeah, it’s your mother’s idea.”

Oh, no! Not, the ‘it’s your mother’s idea’. I suddenly had one of those mysterious shivers through my entire body. Someone must have stepped on my grave. My shoulders slumped as I ascended the stairs.

Now, if dad and I had it in us, we could’ve tossed around this “your mother’s idea” a little. Maybe we even could’ve worked out some innocuous dialogue—create a little win-win scenario. But no! We were the doomed stupid silent types. The deal was sealed. I was going to get the “sex talk” for sure. I entered my attic sanctuary, shut the door behind me, lit some sandalwood incense and pondered the possibilities.

Time passed quickly and harshly. I got the knock on the door. It was time.

Dad sat in his favorite part of the couch. He looked defeated, war torn. Mom sat next to him with her hand placed reassuringly on his leg. It was a sure sign he was under her control, that they were unified. There was going to be no “divide and conquer” that night.

I was invited to sit in a chair which mom had pulled from the head of the dining room table. It sat lonely and isolated in the middle of the living room. To be honest, it was weird, way weird! I felt like I was being brought in for interrogation. To top it all off, I was sure I could hear the faint asthmatic breathing of my brother Doug coming from the upstairs landing, just out of sight.

“So did I tell ya what happened to Otter today at lunch?” I tried to throw a curve ball, buy some time, and possibly subvert the whole discussion.

Dad didn’t disappoint. He fell for it instantly, “No what hap—”

“Your father and I think it is time to have a talk with you about sex,” mom interrupted. Dad sank back into the couch. I began to sweat and needed to pee.

“We want to answer any questions you have. Do you have any? That is, any about sex?” she inquired.

The ball was clearly in my court. I anticipated this. I had come up with a bland, generic question but my mind went blank under the scrutiny of mom’s probing eyes. She had a way of doing that to me.

“Um … um … um—“ I was wracking my brain, searching. What was that question I had? Nothing was coming to mind, nothing. I had to do something. I took a thoughtful pause. Nothing.

“Actually, no I don’t.” I heard the faint sound of snickering coming from the shadows upstairs.

Dad relaxed briefly. “Great! I guess—”

“So then you know that when a married couple decides to have a baby, they engage in sex during which the man has an erection and inserts his penis in the woman’s vagina,” she pressed.

I looked at her like a deer in headlights. What was she? Nuts? I couldn’t believe she had the chutzpah to be so blunt like that. I was trapped like a guilty witness under cross examination by Perry Mason. Dad looked at me sympathetically. He was bailing out, leaving me on my own in that solitary chair in the middle of the room.

“Yeah, I know,” I replied, exposed. Suddenly though, out of nowhere, a burst of formidable savvy. I continued on, “Yeah, we learned all about that stuff in Health, in seventh grade. Yeah, it was pretty interesting. Yup, there were charts and even a movie if I recall. Real informative. Mr. Brown did a nice job explaining what you just said and all. Think I even got an ‘A’ on the test.”

It was as slick a piece of weaseling as ever there was, but would it work? Did I play it too strong at the end? I stopped for a response.

“Oh really? That was two years ago. I don't recall any ‘A’ on any test on human sexuality. Why didn’t you say something to us then?” she asked.

She was calling me on it. I was sunk if I didn't do something real fast. Sensing defeat, I pulled out the wild card.

“Oh gee ma, com’on. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to tell you. Dad, help me here.” I pleaded for his rescue. He couldn’t hide anymore. I dragged him unwillingly into the fray. It was my only hope to end this torture.

Dad surprised me. He leaned forward, put his hand on her hand and looked her square in the eyes.

“He’s right. Do you really think he’d say something or bring home a test on that? I mean look at him.”

It was supportive, yet demeaning, all at the same time. I didn’t care. If it stopped the madness, I was fine with it. There was a long moment of silence.

Mom continued.

“Well that is good. No questions. I just wish you felt like you could talk to us about this kind of subject. Anyway, here is a book explaining how babies are conceived. Read it. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask us. We want to open the lines of communication. Okay?”

“Lines of communication” What was that babble? It dawned on me that she got this whole, hair-brain idea from one of her magazines. Probably it was that “Redbook”, that piece of drivel.

“Sure thing ma,” I quickly responded, sensing this ordeal was coming to a swift close.

And it did.

That was it. It was over. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the silhouette on the landing disappear. Mom got up and handed me this book called, “Growing Up”. It was okay. No real sweet pictures though. Just a lot of charts about nine months. She retreated into the kitchen. I got up and dragged the chair back into the dining room and proceeded up the stairs to bed.

“Good night dad,” I moaned.

“I’m thinking Koufax is going to win twenty five games this year. It’s all ours,” he replied.

He was back in the saddle.

“Not if Mays has anything to do with it.”

He smiled, “We’ll see. Good night.”

“Oh yeah, and keep those lines of communication open buddy,” he added with just a hint of sarcasm and a little wink.

“Sure thing Dad! Sure thing.” We had connected.

“The Talk” was completed. I think it was sealed when mom very clinically spelled it all out in that one sentence. It was almost as if she had to say the three words, “penis, erection and vagina” or it wouldn’t have been official. She had to get them out on the table. Her job was done.

It would have been so much more simple if she had just left it up to dad and me. Probably would have been just like my discussion with my son. But noooo! She wanted us to sweat.

And we did!

More Signs of Aging

2020-06-01T14:10:00.003-04:00

Two more signs of aging have occurred during the past few years.

1) The hair on top of my head has begun growing backwards and is now coming out my ears and nose.

2) When I was preoccupied with number one, someone stole my ass cheeks and hid them under my chin.

There seems to be no end to my physical deterioration.

Too Many Pieces of Mom's Mind

2020-05-29T14:28:00.006-04:00

Mom used to give us a piece of her mind on a daily basis. Four boys, 365 days in a year, 15 years each. Do the math. That's a lot of pieces. By the time we were too old for mind piecing, it was a miracle she had any brain left.

I think the over arching theme of her mind pieces was "the good old days". She would rant about "in the good old days there was no TV, no Three Stooges, no sneakers, no telephones, no fancy cars, blah, blah, blah."

To be honest, it sounded like the only thing there was "no" of in the "good old days" was "good". They were just "old days"; not too different from the middle ages really.

Dancing

2020-05-29T14:08:00.002-04:00

Keaton loves to dance. Sometimes anywhere. So I asked her once what does that feel like and she said, "It feels like I swallowed the world and it's shooting out of my feet. What does it feel like to you?"
I answered, "Pretty much the same except my feet get constipated."

Plumbing Is Not My Thing

2020-05-28T13:58:00.000-04:00

I had just finished doing a lot of garden work and needed to water the newly planted herbs, tomatoes and lilac trees. So off I went to get the hose attached to the side of the house. I turned the thingamajig on and nothing came out of the hose. The spigot was not working. When I least expected it, I found myself thrown into the plumbing … twilight zone … Da Da Da … DAH!

So off I went to the basement to locate the pipe to see if it had been shut off for some reason, like for winter or something. Now the part of the basement I had to go to is not my favorite. It's dark, musty and behind the furnace where dead mice rot in traps. Many years ago I had a nasty encounter with a three foot, pale yellow snake of some sort not far from this area, which escaped behind the wall board, as I tried to round it up with my trusty grill tongs. I figure it's probably eight feet by now and very hungry. I never told my wife, so I'm taking a risk revealing it now, although I'm relying on the certainty she doesn't read this blog. We also had a yellowjacket nest just above the pipe and between the exterior wall and interior wallboard. There are still a few dead bee bodies strewn about.

Get the picture? It's not the sort of spot in which one can relax.

After sorting through dozen of pipes going up, down, across and sideways, I found the pipe leading outside to the spigot. It looked good to go. The interior valve was set to open. Next step was to trace it back to see if maybe it was turned off way back at the beginning where the water pump (we have well water) enters the house and sends the water through a series of treatments. We had just had a plumber install a new water pressure tank, so maybe he shut off a valve at the source and forgot to turn it back on.

Tracing the pipe was not easy. It never is. Whoever plumbed this house had a cruel sense of humor. I'll leave it at that. Using my flashlight I followed the pipe as it disappeared above the ceiling of the next room. No problem. I went into the room and began lifting ceiling tiles. Actually it was a big problem. The snake. Dead mice. Live mice. Every panel was a candidate to unleash unimaginable horror on my head. Every last one of them. So I nervously lifted one after the other, as the pipe snaked with a sudden left turn, and then a few more panels, when it snuck a sudden right turn towards the exterior of the house. I traced it until I ran out of ceiling and nerve. It just disappeared to a place that it had no business disappearing to. I do not know where it goes. Maybe to the neighbor's house. It's beyond me why this pipe is not working. I decided I would just have to live with it.

So I decided, fine, I'll just move the hose to the spigot at the front of the house. I returned back to the scene of the plumbing crime to unhook the hose. It wouldn't budge. I couldn't free it from the damn spigot. I got a hammer and tapped it. Nothing. I got a wrench to add leverage. Nothing. I poured liquid wrench on it, waited, and tapped with a hammer again. It just wouldn't budge. I figured, fine, I'll just go in the garage and find another hose to attach to the front spigot. I walked down to the garage, at this point a little heated. The dog wanted to play and I yelled at her, "Not now!" She whimpered, her head went down, and she walked away with her tail between her legs. I felt terrible. I made a mental note that Id have to make it up to her later.

I found no less than three different hoses and learned quickly why they were all in the garage. None of them were any good. They all had problems.

I just wanted to water the goddam crap I planted two hours ago!

Undeterred, I stomped up to the house, grabbed my car keys and wallet, told my wife I was going to buy a hose, begged her not to ask any questions, and promised I'd be back soon. I took off like a bat out of hell and got no more than two miles from the house when the freakin' Check Engine light went on.

And this is exactly why plumbing is not my thing. It's nothing but trouble. Understand?

Outer Body Experience

2020-05-28T09:21:00.003-04:00

Keaton asked, "Have you ever had an outer body experience?"
I replied, "Oh yeah, every time I come out of the shower and see myself in the mirror, and to be honest, if that image is same thing you see, then your declaration of love for me is suspect."

She thought about it for a second, possibly recalling the image in her head and said, "Well, that wasn't exactly what I was asking about, but yeah, I follow your line of thought."

I said, "Well, don't follow my line of thinking too hard because this just may be another one of those moments when my line of thinking ain't leading so great."

I've Taken Up the Sweet Science

2020-05-27T15:47:00.000-04:00

Science is getting it's well deserved props lately, so I decided six months ago to take up the sweetest of all Sciences: Boxing. I've always wanted to learn how to throw a punch and build up my self confidence. Ya know, just in case someone kicks sand in my 68 year old face. Anyway, our gym had a class that I jumped into with the hopes and dreams of a ten year old. Olympic gold is my motivator.

The classes lasted six weeks, culminating with a three round match against a fellow student. After weeks of pounding the heavy bag with lightning left jabs, punishing right crosses, uppercuts from both dazzling hands and my power punch, a crunching right hook, I was ready for my first match. And what a fight it was. My footwork was prodding and forceful. My body slipped punches with quick weaves and unpredicted dodges. My hands were fast and piston like. Needless to say I won handily and at the end when my hand was held high, I was gracious in victory, which will be my trademark. I put my arm around my dejected opponent, the tallest twelve year old in the class, and then I whispered in her ear, "You've got game kid!"

I introduce to you extra middle weight, Gentleman Bobby Cranelegs (1-0)!

Watching a youngin'

2020-05-26T16:17:00.002-04:00

A year and a half ago, the Crane clan had a batch of babies. I'm now a grandfather to a boy, a step grandfather to a boy and a great uncle to two girls. I've got stories about all of them, like any proud grandfather (aka "PopPop") would have but this is not the time. I would like to talk about the one outcome I was a part of that frankly has nearly killed me.

I don't know exactly when or how, but apparently, while in a state of new grandfather bliss, I mumbled something about volunteering to watch my step grandson two days a week, when mom returned to work. Last June I began the job. It's been nearly a year, and I'm seriously thinking of going back to corporate work. It would be easier. Watching a youngin' is back breaking, mind numbing work at my age.

The only thing that has saved me is the COVID-19. I don't have it. It's just that mom and dad have been working from home since March. I only do four hour, two days a week and what a difference. Those two nine hour days were killers. Every night when I would go to bed, all I heard in my head was that song, that Baby Shark song! Oh the pain!

And this is why I don't think people should go back to work until my wonderful step grandson is in nursery school. Maybe two or three years away max. It's selfish, I know, but is truly is a matter of life and death.

the flying squirrel conversation

2020-05-26T09:33:00.001-04:00

We have a family of flying squirrels that have set up home in our attic. They are protected so we can't kill them … yet. So I've rigged a cage trap (that doesn't kill them) with peanut butter. The problem is the peanut butter is always gone and no flying squirrels. One night while I was sleeping, I had this dream about what those rascals might be up to.

Bob's dream:

Flying squirrel one: What do ya think? I mean it's definitely peanut butter but what's with the steel cage it's in?

Flying squirrel two: Don't know what to make of it. But I think it's a trap of some sort. That human man that walks around here in his underpants is tricky that way. Maybe we should sneak up when he's sleeping tonight and swoop down and bite his ass something silly.

Squirrel one: Ya mean that guy Bob? Yeah, he's trouble but dumb as tar. So what do you think about the peanut butter?
Squirrel two: Scrumdiddlyumptious! It's worth it babe!
One: Worth it, for sure.
Two: I have an idea. Let's reach in with a stick and skewer it like a shish kebob.
One: I get shishke ... Bob! That's a funny one.
Two: Yeah. Boy he sure is a heap of human stupid to think we'd fall for this.
One: Heap of steamin' stupid, for sure!
Two: Ummm ... yummy! How's your's?
One: Lip smackin' yummy, for sure.
Two: We struck gold in this joint Archie!

One: For sure, Jimmy!

I awoke enlightened!

It's the only thing that explains why the bait is always gone but the trap untriggered. So I'm going to give it a try a few more times but and i'm gettin' pretty close to bringing in Sheldon Stimplehouse (a.k.a., grim squirrel reaper). He'll shoot their butts dead without thinking twice and eat them like satay to boot. He get's joy from it quite honestly. He's not what I'd call a normal man.

Soon it'll be no more mister have-a-heart trap nice guy!

getting old

2020-05-26T09:09:00.001-04:00

Lately I can’t hear myself think as well as I used to and have to ask myself, “I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?”
Unfortunately my brain is growing forgetful as well, and sometimes answers, “I can't. I forgot what I thought."

Updated Monty Python Classic Witch Scene

2017-01-12T13:13:00.002-05:00

Cast:
Sir Clapper
Lord Obama
Man/Warlock
Common Folk (CF1, CF2, CF3)

Common Folk: We have found a warlock!
A warlock! A warlock!
Burn him! Burn him!
CF1: We have found a warlock, may we burn him?
(cheers)
Sir Clapper: How do you known he is a warlock?
CF2: He looks like one!
Sir Clapper: Bring him forward
(They advance the man by pushing him through a growing crowd)
Man: I'm not a warlock! I'm not a warlock!
Sir Clapper: ehh... but you are orange like one.
Man: They colored me up like this!
Common Folk: naah, no we didn't ... no!
Man: And this isn't my hair! They put a ferret on my head!
(Sir Clapper lifts up the ferret skin on top the man's head)
Sir Clapper (looking CF1): Well?
CF1: Well we did do the hair
Sir Clapper: The hair?
CF1: … And maybe some orange around the edges, but he is a warlock!
Common Folk: Yeah, burn him! Burn him!)
Sir Clapper: Did you dress him up like this?
CF1: No! No! No! No! … Yes! Yes! Yes! A bit. A bit. A bit. A bit. But he's got a wart on his small hand!
(CF3 points at the wart.)
Sir Clapper: I see. But what has he done to make you think he is a warlock?
CF2: Well, he turned me into a Newt!
Sir Clapper: Into Newt Gingrich?!
(CF2 pauses & looks around)
CF2: Well, I got better.
(Pause)
CF3: Burn him anyway!
Common Folk: Burn him! Burn him! Burn!
(Lord Obama walks in)
Lord Obama: What brings so much commotion to my town square?
Sir Clapper: The Commoners think they have found a warlock. But I'm not so sure.
Lord Obama: You know there is a way of telling whether he is a warlock.
CF1: Are there? Well then tell us!
Common Folk: Yeah! Tell us!
Lord Obama: Tell me ... what do you do with warlocks?
CF2: Burn'em! Burn them up!
Common Folk: Burn! Burn! Burn!
Lord Obama: What else do you burn?
CF1: More warlocks!
(CF2 nudge CF1 shaking his head no.)
(pause)
CF3: Dung!
Lord Obama: So, why do warlocks burn?
(long pause)
CF2: Cuz they're made of ... dung?
Lord Obama: Gooood! Very good!
(crowd congratulates CF2)
Lord Obama: So, how do we tell if he is made of dung?
CF1: Build a hut out of him!
Lord Obama: Ahh, but can you not also make huts out of stone?
CF1: Oh yeah...
Lord Obama: Does dung sink in water?
CF1: Yes!
CF3: Yes!
CF1: Let's throw him into the moat!
Lord Obama: But what floats in the moat?
CF1: Bread!
CF3: Dead rabbits!
CF2: Very small rocks!
(Lord Obama is losing patience)
CF1: Hats made of wood!
CF3: Ice cream!
CF1: Cherries!
CF3: Lady Lustfield!
Lord Obama: An orange Duck!
(All look and stare at Lord Obama)
Lord Obama: So, logically...
CF1 (thinking): If he weighs more than an orange duck... he's made of dung!
Lord Obama: And therefore ...
(they pause & think)
CF3: A warlock!
CF1: A warlock!
CF2: A warlock!
Crowd: A warlock!
Lord Obama: We shall use the largest scales.
(The crowd cheers as they follow Lord Obama who is walking over to a giant balance scale)
Lord Obama: Does anyone have an orange duck?
Old woman: Yes me lord! I has one right here!
Lord Obama: That's a fine looking orange duck.
Old woman: Why thank you me Lord.
Lord Obama: Now kindly place the duck on that plate over there.
(Old woman places her duck on the plate.)
Lord Obama: Now load the man onto the other plate.
(CF1, CF2 & CF3 load the man onto the other plate.)
Lord Obama: All right! Remove the stops!
(CF1 removes the stops that keep the plates in place.)
(Scale topples over to man’s side)
CROWD: An orange warlock! Burn him! Burn him!!

The Crowd Idiot

2014-07-28T20:59:00.000-04:00

I saw Lewis Black perform not too long ago. He was hilarious. The bit about a Starbucks being across the street from another Starbucks was top shelf. I sat in the back row. And two seats to my right sat the crowd idiot. They always sit within arms length of me. It is my lot in life. Some people make millions of dollars playing the games we all played while growing up. I sit next to the crowd idiot.

I don’t know why this is always the case, but it is as much a certainty as Newton's law of gravity. It is primarily why I hate to go out where people gather, but this is getting off point. Between Lewis's jokes, the crowd idiot was compelled to bark out words in an idiot’s tongue. He did this a dozen times—an idiot's dozen, which is around 31. He wasn’t funny. He wasn’t engaging. He was, however, a particularly effective crowd idiot, drawing the ire of those near and far alike. And he sat two seats away.

It was when he screamed, "Kentucky Woman", apparently under the delusion that he was at a Neil Diamond concert, that I had my "aha" moment. Ushers should be armed with assault rifles and allowed to remove crowd idiots from the gene pool before they procreate with their tainted seed. And when they do, a tip bucket should be passed among the audience as reward for a job well done.