cranelegs pond

987. the promise of snow will do just fine

2009-12-05T09:30:00.004-05:00

it's a steely gray saturday morning.
the air is thick and cold like i suspect a meat warehouse might be.
my friends on the weather channel are talking it up about our first snow.
it all sounds so promising to one who believes snow puts the "mas" in christmas.

but if you know anything about the west new jersey rt 78 corridor, along which i live, then you know it is the dmz between rain to the south and snow to the north.
always.
as such, you can't be sure what you're going to get.
the truth is, usually it's neither.
more often than not it is a mutant slush the density of uranium.
and when i rank precipitation, mutant slush is at the very bottom of a long list.
it's like kissing my great aunt bibbit, which under the best of circumstance was bad enough but lately she's been quite dead.

the point is most of the time the promise is as good as it's ever going to get.
so i'll take it right now and pretend the best is to come, knowing full well the kissing will commence soon enough.
cause if you know anything about bob, then you know such is bob's life.

986. i don't know ...

2009-12-04T10:49:00.001-05:00

i know the fat lady has sung and all.
but i don't know.
i still have a lot of funny left.
why just the other day i spent the better part of the morning looking for the car keys i had clenched by my teeth.
then of course there was the rolling off the treadmill when i knelt down to tie my sneaker.
can't forget the beaut when i said "it's not you, it's pee," after keaton inquired about something unsavory she felt on the toilet seat.
it was a frozen pork chop moment if ever there was.

but i get the feeling this stuff bores most folk.
who cares?
right?
we all do these things from time to time.

oh well, i'll continue to check in from time to time until i get my groove back.
until next time, a bob healthy living tip: if you own a penis, lift the seat up.

985. Newsweek needs a name change

2009-11-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

(from the files) 364. the manly-ways bribe

2009-11-17T11:00:00.002-05:00

keaton said, the dog just threw up on the carpet.
i yelled, what?
she said louder, the dog threw up on the carpet!
i said, sorry, didn’t quite get that?
she said, i said don't expect me to entertain your manly-ways for a month.
i said, i'm getting paper towels and a bag as you speak, hon.
she said, now that's more like it.

and i thought, yeah, more like another manly-way bribe.

(from the files) 181. aroma therapy

2009-11-17T09:47:00.001-05:00

keaton said, you know we could use a little aroma therapy around here.
i figured she was talking about me being stinky.
so i took it upon myself to sneak off, take a bubble bath, and use some of that fruity soap—something i have only considered doing under duress, like torture or something.
when i came downstairs, she had ignited a boatload of smelly candles, i guess to mask my man stink. so i blew them out.
she asked, what are you doing?
i said, you don’t need them, i applied some bubbles and fruity soap therapy to my aroma.
she said, i was trying to mask the burnt garlic on the stove top from dinner.
i said, yeah, i knew that. and now i plan to stand here smelling of fruits until the stink is gone. how about them apples?
she shook her head and left.
and as she disappeared into the hallway, i yelled sarcastically, you’re welcome!
then, as i leaned against the stove top, i thought, maybe she is just shocked by my sacrificing ways and doesn't know how to express her gratitude.

357. groovy

2009-11-02T10:31:00.001-05:00

i was driving in the car recently with my son when someone on npr said, that’s groovy.
i got the heebee jeebees.
it is the one word from my generation that diminishes any language high road i can possibly try to take with my son’s generation.
it is far worse than “far out” or “peace man”.
and we can’t get rid of it fast enough in my book, including that dumb song by simon and garfunkel.
so i glanced over at my son to see if he heard it.
he was smirking but he always smirks at npr talk.

i asked, did you hear that?
he said, hear what? i never understand what they’re talking about on this station.
i said, good. good. keep it that way.

i had dodged a baby boomer bullet.
i could continue on with my lectures of the good old days—something i had mastered from my parents, as they from theirs.

109. job interview hint 2

2009-11-02T08:42:00.002-05:00

it’s always a smart move to never use the "f", "b", or "c" words during a job interview unless encouraged to do so by the interviewer, and even then it is recommended that you use restraint, especially on that "c" one.

176. blogging with tourettes

2009-11-02T06:54:00.001-05:00

the other day—facken dock mucker—my dog ran—betch betch betch—down the—whoo whoo blatmecot ...

(i hate when my—jast me knob—blogger's tourettes kicks in)

984. she's singing! it's time!

2009-10-20T08:35:00.000-04:00

thanks so much to regulars pam, itsmecissy, & lightly, and to all those folks who have made cranelegs pond their humor water cooler for the past few years! it's been fun!

983. hate to burst the balloon but ...

2009-10-16T12:53:00.000-04:00

i missed all the commotion from yesterday, why with that six year old being in that runaway wacko balloon, and then his not being in the ballon at all, and then his being found in the attic playing with toys, and then that tearful (well, huggy anyway) reunion with poor dad for all the world to see from the cnn situation room.

yeah, i missed it.

but i didn't miss some of the coverage today, why with those clips of dad acting deranged in that wife swapping reality show, and then the same poor kid tripping up on his lines about this all being a show, and dad and mom parading the whole clan before all the morning "news" shows, and then with the same kid puking on each and every network, and then the so called cable news shows suggesting something sinister might be afoot.

well, i don't want to burst anyone's balloon but "something sinister afoot" is an understatement.
it was a sensational hoax, the parents are certifiably uncertified to be parents, the kid is cute but on his way to a troubled life, the news networks are anything but, and we, the public, are the enablers of this freakin' mess.

our thirst for dumb reality shows, dumbed-down news and dummy people engaged in their dumb quest for fifteen minutes of fame can't be quenched.
we are riveted by the ridiculous while bored by the important.
we deserve what is coming.

and coming it is.

982. ever have one of those nights?

2009-10-14T10:51:00.004-04:00

ever have one of those nights when you fall asleep before brushing your teeth?
and you wake up at three in the morning with that god awful, gloppy taste in your mouth?
so you lumber half awake into the bathroom?
and you don't turn on the light because you don't really want to wake up?
so you brush your teeth in the dark?
and you notice that the toothpaste doesn't have that minty clean taste?
but you brush anyway because it's not so bad and you just want to get back to bed?
so you rinse and stumble your clean teeth back to bed all satisfied and all?
then morning comes and you reach in the medicine cabinet for your razor?
and that's when you notice that the preparation h tube is on top of the toothpaste tube?
and it kind of gets your mind wondering?
so you check your gums to see if they are receding?
and they are?

you know, one of those kind of nights?
just wondering, that's all.

981. eggplant and salt

2009-10-14T07:59:00.002-04:00

it seems that whenever i snuggle up to keaton, i cause her to sweat.
it's as if she's a skinned eggplant and i'm a big old block of salt.
fortunately, i just don't think that's possible.
well the eggplant part anyway.

980. those who can't do ...

2009-10-13T08:27:00.000-04:00

woody allen once observed, "those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym."
while i don't agree with the first part, i concur with the second.
regardless, the claim is literally old school and needs updating.
with that in mind, i'm taking a shot at it:
"those who can't do, blog, and those who can't blog, blog anyway."

again, while i might not agree with the first part, i definitely do with the last.
and if i had any self awareness skills, i would have closed this place down at post #4.
but noooo ...

(post #4 follows)

(from the files, 4/7/07) 4. 3 women from houston

2009-10-13T08:22:00.000-04:00

on the train into manhattan today there were three women from houston sitting right in front of me.
one said, i need me some big old white sunglasses, no rhinestones though.
another said, ya know my sister needs to live the life she was given, that's all there is to it.
the third said, i don't want any of them fake handbags. i want the real thing.
they all said, i just love your hair color.

i thought to myself, keaton and her feminists sure do have their work cut out with their own kind.
listening in a little longer and concluding it was mission impossible, i then wondered, if i jumped from this moving train, could i be certain i'd die.

979. peace and bombs and intelligent design

2009-10-09T07:44:00.038-04:00

it took us forty years from our first steps on the moon to bomb it.
and what a better way to acknowledge the feat than for our president to win the nobel peace prize.
if this isn't the death of intelligent design, i'm not sure what is.

978. another keaton birthday

2009-10-08T12:00:00.003-04:00

this is that period of time when keaton's elliptical, age-differential path is closer to me, and thus the "gettin' old" jokes at my expense diminish somewhat.
it's why i like her birthday so much.
every october ninth she closes within three years of me until late february when she orbits back out to four years.
she's like the moon really.
i see her more clearly when she passes closer to my age.
it's as if she becomes a bigger font of some sort.

and let me tell ya, what i see, i love.
clearly or blurred for that matter.

happy birthday keaton!

977. it's always jamais auparavant

2009-10-07T11:19:00.004-04:00

most people i know occasionally experience deja vu—that feeling you been there before.
not so for me.
i always experience jamais auparavant (rough translation: "never before").
it always happens when i go to a place i should know but feel like i've never been to before.
like this blog for instance.

(from the files) 435. a forest fire just in time

2009-10-04T09:00:00.001-04:00

i'm in the midst of a grand forest fire.
leaves ablaze in orange, red and yellow.
a smokeless sting to the eyes that lifts my heart.
it is autumn.
just in time, once again.

976. we both have our causes

2009-10-04T08:34:00.006-04:00

today keaton is finishing up the third leg of her three day walk (60 miles) throughout the hills of windy san francisco for breast cancer.
it is just one of her many causes that make me proud.
as for me, today i'm sitting for hours in anxious wait to support my beloved n.y. giants play yet another game.
it is one of my many causes and while i haven't asked keaton, i'm certain my total devotion to this cause has a special place in her heart somewhere—like an aortic aneurism perhaps .

and when i think about it, this is exactly why keaton and i get along so well.
we maintain a shared desire to be driven to something bigger than ourselves.
and at the end of the day, we just do it with the quiet confidence that it isn't so much what the relative merit of our cause might be but that we have one.

(although nothin' for nothin', placing my very being in the hands of the n.y. giants sunday after sunday isn't exactly like a stroll through the park. i'm just sayin'. that's all.)

974. bob gets caught at the airport

2009-09-30T09:34:00.006-04:00

okay, so i had too much cabbage the night before my departure from ireland.
how was i suppose to know they used heat sensing scanners at security?
the only thing i can say, they was silent ... and they was deadly.

973. the shipyard dog

2009-09-29T12:15:00.009-04:00

keaton and i hopped out of the car to begin a 3.5 mile walk just a stones throw east of the small town of ballydehob.
the walk started at a shipyard, and curled around the nob of a small peninsula.
up hills and through pastures with mindful views throughout.
like all the other walks in every way.
except this time we had the pleasure of being accompanied by a four legged guide.

as we made our way around the first bend in the road, here he came.
he quietly walked up to us, sniffed our knees and carried on ahead.
the entire walk.
all 3.5 miles.
sometimes behind us.
sometimes along side.
but mostly in front.
and always making that next choice for us when we came upon a fork or crossroad that required a decision.

he didn't speak much.

but he was a busy little guy.

at one point we were faced with a rather large herd of hefty heifers coming up the road.

our guide walked through the open gate that led to the field the cows were clamoring towards, where we can only imagine he helped the farmer shepherd them to their final grazing place.

we pressed on without him, making a few turns here and there along the way.

and soon enough, here he came.

marking his spots at every chance.

as quietly competent a canine as ever there was.

and when we arrived back at the car, off he pranced to the shipyard from where he came.

no paw out for a tip or a treat.

just another job well done.

the people we met were great but when the dogs are even first class, you start to wonder what's in the water.

972. either perfect or brilliant

2009-09-29T07:05:00.004-04:00

what i miss most about ireland is that everyone thought i was either perfect or brilliant.

bartender: and what will you have?
me: i'll take a pint of guinness.
bartender: perfect!
(three minutes later)
bartender: another guinness there?
me: no, let me try a murphy's.
bartender: brilliant!

either perfect or brilliant.
all the time.
everywhere.
i know keaton heard them tell me too.
and do you think she might just show me a little acknowledgement?
nooooo!

(maybe she's just plain awe struck. i do that to people you know.)

971. an irish home, a front view and a kitchen view

2009-09-28T13:17:00.008-04:00

an irish home

a view from the front

a view from the kitchen

i think i figured out why the irish drive so fast.
it is to get home, pour a cup of tea and smile with the earth.

970. safe and not sound

2009-09-20T11:58:00.005-04:00

"you take the high road and i'll take the low road and we'll both be dead by the morning."
i think that's how the song goes.
and if it isn't, it should.

well we made it to our destination but i'm certain i shortened keaton's life by three years and mine by seventeen.
it was a recipe for disaster.
no sleep for 24 hours.
a car with the zest of a three legged cow.
a steering wheel in the front passenger seat.
200 miles on the contrarian side of the road.
two lane country roads the width of a driveway.
in town roads the width of sidewalks.
insane speeds nearing light.
people in a rush to somewhere.
rain.
93 roundabouts.
and keaton, a demonstrative passenger caught in a four hour keystone cop chase.
in short, i will never, ever speak unkindly of new york city cabs again.

i can tell you first hand, the path to hell may be paved in gold but the path to heaven is paved through hedges and brimstone.
i am shaking just thinking about it.
almost killed us five minutes into the drive, which didn't bode well for the remaining three hours and harrowing fifty five minutes.
but somehow we made it.
and i only clipped one mirror in route.

i do not recall any scenery from the ride.
keaton tells me it was quite beautiful.
i wouldn't know.
my knuckles actually broke through my skin and the bleeding was distracting.

however, now that i'm out of the car, the place is something out of middle earth.
i half expect to see frodo baggins come over the heathered hills behind our abode.
pictures will be forthcoming, i swear.
it's just that they are all blurred from the shaking.
some ex-pat we met at a food festival today said my condition would subside in another day or so, and i'd soon see the folly of my old driving ways.

anyway, i'm on my second guinness and third prozac right this moment.
so i'm feeling a little nick nolticky.
stayed tu...

969. blogging from ireland

2009-09-17T08:59:00.003-04:00

keaton and i are heading off to ireland.
never been there.
keaton has been there a few times.
i'm not irish but my son is 50%, which i think entitles me to be 25% pseudo irish, which i plan to take advantage of.

been working on two things in preparation:
1. i've been driving on the opposite side of the road and through circles the opposite way to practice. it was suggested by benny and seemed like a good idea but frankly the tickets are starting to pile up.
2. i've been practicing my pseudo irish brogue. it needs work though. keaton says i sound more like pseudo ramesh patel, who honestly doesn't sound very irish.

anyway, i'll be snappin' photos and bloggin' beginning sunday.
so stay tuned.
and if any of you have "must see" suggests, please do tell.

until then:
"may the road rise up to meet you.
may the wind always be at your back.
may the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
(except for lightly.)"

just kidding there big fella!